The Convoluted Scientific Guide to Equestria and the Universe

Disclaimer:

Lyra Heartstrings, PhD, Bon Bon VII, Trixie Lulamoon, Esq., and Canterlot Express Publishing are not responsible for any deaths, injuries, property damage, illnesses, destruction, wars, ecological damage, or other harm caused by anypony or anybeing stupid or crazy enough to try what is described in this chapter. Yeah, no. Don't do it, kids. Seriously, don't. If you do, you will be hurt, and all your friends will laugh at you. This was written assuming you are an adult. Sorry, ask your parents. Then tell them to ask the Royal Guard or a princess about it.

Ursus galaxia, in Equestria, Maretonia, Prance, and Saddle Arabia.

Tardigrada magnus in Zebrica, Griffon Empire, Gryphon Kingdom et al.

Before I begin, it's probably best for everypony involved to actually know what an ursa is. An ursa is a sack of star-like matter magically enchanted to create the shape of a bear. The average height of a fully grown ursa is 25 meters tall (82 feet) on all fours and 52 meters (170.6 feet) in length, or 21 times larger than the average pony (120 centimeters or 3.9 feet). Males and females, unlike normal bears, are identical in size. They average 1006 metric tons in mass (1109 tons) and have an average lifespan of 550 years, but the oldest on record died at the age of 830.

They drink milk, eat giant fish, trees, and large creatures. Omnivorous predators, they are the only known species to take on dragons one-on-one (other than alicorns, but they are considered a subspecies of ponies). While they do consume dragon meat, it is extremely rare, and even then only adolescent and baby dragons. They are found primarily in forest environments, but a few inhabit the tundras.

It is believed that ursas were first born from the horizontal gene transfer between a grizzly bear and an unidentified organism belonging to the Phylum Tardigrada. (A good contender is Milnesium tardigradum, mostly due to the two species sharing similar diets). However, despite our knowledge of the genetic component of an ursa, more than 70% of the mass is made of magic, which renders most of this question moot. The magic coalesces into a form resembling stars and nebulae enclosed in a thick outer covering comprised of a translucent glycoprotein resembling chitin (however, it has some properties similar to keratin. A molecular analysis has determined that it is predominantly chitinous).

No, they are not made of stars. If that were true, the temperature around any of them would exceed 4000°K (6740°F). Any historian, zoologist, or veterinarian would know that ursa attacks on towns and cities occur at least once a decade, and no smoldering craters have ever been a direct result of one. There are smoldering craters around, sure, but most were created by a certain alicorn princess engaged in a fight to the death. Convection is also a thing: the transfer of heat from one place to another by fluid movement. Which means that if ursas are made of stars, then that means that going anywhere near them would mean melting buildings and clouds on fire. Also we're not all dead from enormous exposure to gamma and x-rays,

No, what I am detailing is how to soundly use scientific fact, data, information, and figures obtained from various reputable sources such as: Encyclopedia Equestria, Bio-Griffin Magazine, The Jefferponyian, Zoosual Suspects, Water & Sea Bears Monthly, and Scientific Equestrian. So without further rambling, here are several methods that do and do not work:

1. Drawing Anti-Sea Bear Circles. DOES NOT work. First, ursas are related to tardigrades, otherwise known as water bears. They are NOT related to sea bears. At all. Second, creating a good circle that is definitely not an ellipse is incredibly difficult, requiring an eccentricity less than 0.045 for the circle to work. Third, it's sea bears live in the ocean, far away from ursas. Fourth, it's a circle drawn on the ground.

2. Dousing them in water. DOES NOT work. This came from the ancient belief that an ursa was made of stars, and that putting out the fiery balls of light would kill them. First, they are not made of stars. Second, even if they were made of stars, throwing water on them would probably make the stars brighter. The nuclear fusion inside a star would be helped by adding more fuel, making the stars more massive. This would increase the pressure at the core, causing more nuclear fusion, and thus more energy being released, some of it as light. Considering the size of an ursa, they are in no danger of collapsing, going supernova, or running out of fuel. Even if one somehow caused a supernova to happen, making an ursa self destruct in the middle of a town would vaporize everything. So no.

3. Distraction via giant pile of giant fish. Sometimes works. Yep. Trail of fish leading away from town and into a faraway land is a method that has been known to work. Just don't show the ursa anything more appealing than fish, and you'll be fine.

4. Relaxing music. Works. Only applies to ursa minors, but will result in a sleepy ursa minor that can then be moved.

Now, if you want to punch an angry ursa in the face and somehow survive, here's how:

Ursas are really heavy, and thus are much more affected by the force of gravity. While they walk on four legs, they can be tripped if you are able to wrap a rope around its leg. It should be known, however, that an ursa's pulling force is unimaginably high. Therefore, the rope must have a reasonably high ultimate tensile strength (the maximum stress a material can handle before breaking), preferably at least 600 megapascals in ultimate strength. Most kinds of steel can handle that, so if you want to fight an ursa, invest in thick cords of steel. Then, trip it. If you can't figure out how, you have no chance of actually defeating an ursa in the first place, so please skip to the next chapter.

Tripping can also be achieved using powerful concussive blasts from either a unicorn spell of your choosing, or a well planned lightning strike from a pegasus. Improvised land mines are also a possibility. Surprise in this regard is your best ally, as well as cooperative teamwork involving complicated confusion tactics. Scaring an ursa is difficult, so going for the shock value is a must.

Next, you will need to get your hands on some form of sleeping powder or anesthetic. Heavy duty tranquilizers will also do the trick. Before attempting to inject, you would need to be able to pierce the skin of the ursa, which is no easy feat. An industrial drill tipped with diamond might penetrate, but I recommend some high quality adult dragon teeth to make your mark. After injecting a high dose of  sleepy time, you've basically won. There are some spells that could knock out an ursa, but the magical resistance in this species makes it highly inefficient.

Now, if you want to fight one head on without any sneaking around because it not honorable or something, you're probably going to die. But I'll try to maximize your survival rates anyways with some tips (you're welcome):

1. They have no long range attacks. Unlike pegasi, unicorns, alicorns, and dragons, they cannot randomly shoot the power of the elements at you. They are gigantic and fast, though. They can also throw heavy objects (like trees) at you. So keep your distance and keep your eyes peeled. Death by falling tree sounds stupid when fight an ursa major.

2. They have powerful magic resistance. While telekinesis can affect them normally, most spells do not. They can be affected by the effects of a spell. For example, they are burned by a flame spell that makes a fire on the ground, but are immune to being set on fire.

3. They can swim. In water and lava.

4. Ursa majors can jump several stories high, so flying above them is not a guarantee for survival.

5. They are very tough overall. I mean, they fight dragons.

Now that you've captured a beast of unimaginable power, what do you do? Well, I don't know, I'm just here to help you defeat one. Congratulations for beating a giant water bear.

On another note, I have been advised, for some reason, by my attorney not to discuss the events in Ponyville several years ago, when an ursa minor rampaged through the town. Personally, I think regaling all of you about the time when pre-Princess Twilight defeated a baby ursa using motherly techniques would have been great. However, my Pony Relations specialist (aka my best buddy) Bon Bon convinced me to listen to my attorney. But geez, it's been like, years. I'm pretty sure most ponies remember the time she enslaved the town more than that one time a couple colts did something reckless and stupid. I wouldn't know, I was out of town during my attorney's ruthless dictator phase.