Chapters No More Heroes: Friendship is Fucked!!
Chapter 1: Federal Agent Marion Glastits
Chapter 1
Federal Agent Marion Glastits
Travis could not believe what he was seeing. The sky blue, rainbow-maned pegasus (a pegasus for fuck's sake) was freaking him out enough, but it was the fact that he now had two hooves where his hands should have been that really got to him. On top of it all, some pony with pink gatling guns just called him a stripper. Fuck that! Now that Master Thunder Ryu was dead, there was no way he was getting naked for any more old guys!
"Where the fuck did my hands go," Travis yelled as he frantically turned his hooves back and forth looking for any trace of his glorious hands, "What am I supposed to do with these red-pink stub things!"
Glastits smiled at Travis's distress. It was loads of fun watching the guy freak out, but he figured he'd throw him a bone. "Personally, Ah'm a fan o' competitive buckin', but why don't ya start by helpin' th' little lady up?"
His words stunned the mares in the room. He seemed bent on killing them, but now here he was suggesting help. Rainbow Dash, however, took the time to scramble back over to her friends, now that their summoned hero had arrived.
Travis was too busy trying to figure out what the hell was going on to care though. His head whipped back and forth between the eight mares and the gun-toting assassin.
"What the--but--huh--what's happening!?" He sputtered.
"I am Princess Celestia, and that is an assassin! I trust you will know what to do," the solar princess concisely explained, as her magic aura enveloped her sister and the element bearers. Before she could teleport everypony to safety, Fluttershy broke from the group.
"Wait," she said before Celestia could take action.
She ran over near Travis to pick up his cat and her toy before running back to her friends. Not fully understanding the yellow pegasus's intentions, Travis had to protest her actions.
"Hey! Hey! What the fuck are you doing with my cat," he yelled as she took away his precious pet.
"I'm sorry," Fluttershy said to him, avoiding any eye contact, "I'll promise I'll take care of her."
And with that, Celestia's magic flashed and the room was empty, save for the two assassins.
Travis could only sputter in confusion as he realized what was happening. Princess Celestia had brought him to this freaky place to be a counter-assassin to save her own ass.
"Aw, hell..." he moaned.
He was snapped out of his funk by Glastits' chuckling, "'Bout time ya got here. Ah almost didn't think you were comin', slick."
Deep in the Everfree Forest lay the ruins of the Castle of the Two Sisters. Once a majestic structure, which as home to Celestia and Luna, it was now a dilapidated, derelict shadow of its former glory; abandoned and forgotten by most of pony-kind.
Now, a light shone in the throne room, and from the light came the royal alicorn sisters, the six element bearers and one tabby cat. The cat was promptly let out of its carrier by Fluttershy as soon as they arrived.
"Here you go, Miss Kitty. Stretch your paws out," she said as she opened the cage doors.
Jeanne immediately took Fluttershy up on her suggestion and stretched widely before hopping on the yellow pegasus's back.
The other Element Bearers looked around in confusion, which soon turned to familiarity once they realized where they were.
"Princess Celestia, what are we doing here of all places," Twilight asked as she looked around the room, regaining her bearings from the previous time she and her friends had been there. This was the place where she and her friends had defeated Nightmare Moon and restored Princess Luna to her former self. Now, here they were again as another threat reared its head.
Celestia only answered Twilight's question as she and Luna both used their magic to open up a compartment in the floor, and raise a very large crystal ball from it.
The ball rose from the depths, covered in cobwebs, and creaking on the platform it was mounted on, as though yawning after a long sleep. Another small flare of magic from the alicorns, and the crystal ball lit up with all the cobwebs and any other sign of age or wear bursting off of it in a brilliant sheen.
Rainbow Dash flew around it, examining it from all sides as she tried to discern what exactly it was supposed to do.
"Yeah, it's cool how it lights up, but is it gonna help stop Glastits," she said, tapping it with her hoof.
"In a way: yes, it will," Luna answered Dash's question, "This is a relic that was once used by Star Swirl the Bearded to observe any point in the world he desired to further his studies."
Twilight was suddenly overwhelmed by a sense of scholarly joy. Here was a piece of Equestria's history. An artifact that was owned by probably the most important pony in all of history, and at one point it was right under her very hooves. Then something occurred to her. She realized what the princesses were up to by resurrecting this relic.
"That's it! We can use this to find the real hero who can help against the assassin!" Twilight said with a bright smile, which slowly faded when she saw the surprised looks of the alicorns. She blushed sheepishly, "Uh, not that I'm questioning your choice. I just think you might have missed when you picked him."
"Twilight, this is for us to observe him to see if he will need any of our aid," Celestia informed her student.
"Then I think you oughta send us right back. That guy looked like he ain't even seen his own hooves before," Applejack said from the other side of the crystal ball.
"Um, excuse me," came Fluttershy's interjection. Though very quiet, everyone in the room turned their attention to her. "This cat says that she's very worried about her owner, and would like to know if he's okay."
Celestia turned to face the crystal ball once more and flared the magic in her horn.
"Then, without further ado," she said before she tapped her horn to the surface of the crystal ball.
A blur swirled onto its surface before it took the shape of the throne room in Canterlot, occupied by the two stallions.
"Whoah, hang on a sec," Travis said to the gun-toting pony, "You knew I was coming? How?"
"Simple: Ah just looked ahead t'see what happened," Glastits said, as though it made perfect sense.
To the Element Bearers, save Pinkie, this was a completely erroneous statement that pertained to nothing at hoof.
"Shit, you're one of those," Travis sighed deeply, as he rubbed his temple with his hoof.
"A-yepperdoo," Glastits said with another chuckle and a grin, "Ah know all about th' wall, an' th' watchers behind it."
The watchers behind the wall was something that Travis tried to ignore. Though most people didn't realize it, they were all being watched by many otherworldly beings who reveled in the violence and crudeness that happened to them, or the misery that they brought to others. To him, they were even worse than the UAA.
"Why are they just talking," Pinkie yelled, surprising her friends. She pressed her front hooves against the crystal ball, as though trying to somehow reach the assassins. "Cut the small talk and get rid of him already!"
It was Rarity who used her magic to levitate Pinkie back to a proper viewing distance.
"Hush, Pinkie," she said to her bouncy, Pink friend, "I'm sure he knows what he's doing."
Her's and Pinkie's attention went back to the crystal ball where they watched the strange stallion who appeared from nowhere now wore a facial expression as if he just bumped into somepony he really hated.
"So, let me guess: you're some kind of errand monkey for those sick fucks," Travis said, contemptuously.
"Come on, Ah just give 'em what they want. Feels good, actually. Makin' 'em smile makes ol' Marion smile."
Travis had the urge to laugh all of a sudden. His face twisted into a crooked smile as he stifled a sputtering laugh. Come on, his name was 'Marion.'
Agent Glastits, however found it much less amusing, and scowled deeply.
"What the hell're you laughin' at? Huh, slick," he said as his eyes narrowed.
His next words carried an air on anger, though the tone and volume of his voice remained completely calm.
"Ya like jokes? Ah know a joke. Guy walks inta a bar, an' a second guy who's already there invites him fer a drink. Second guy says, 'Hey stranger, what's yer name?' First guy says, 'Name's Marion Glastits.'"
Travis started loudly guffawing when he heard his opponent's full name.
Suddenly, Agent Glastits's tone changed to a more violent one.
"Th' second guys starts laughin' his ass off, so ya know what Ah did!? Ah broke his glass on the bar, picked up a chunk, an' stabbed him in his crap-lousy face! The punchline? DON'T FUCK WITH A GUY NAMED MARION!! "
The next thing Travis knew, a hail of bullets was making a beeline right for his unprotected head.
Travis had fought enemies who used guns before, and was totally okay when the bullets came at him since he could just block them all with his beam katana, no harm, no foul. But how the hell was he supposed to do it with those stupid stubs?!
The thought of grabbing his trusty Tsubaki Mk. III to deflect the oncoming assault immediately snapped to his mind, and something began to happen.
Though unaware of it, the horn on his head began to glow with a red-colored magic. Then, the Tsubaki Mk. III on his belt began to glow with the same magic.
In less than a millisecond, it shot in front of him and protected him from the attack, dancing between each bullet to send them in a safe direction.
"Holy what the fuck is happening," Travis thought to himself.
The initial shock of his sword floating on its own wore off as soon as a wicked idea occurred to him.
As the Tsubaki protected him from the front, he thought of his super speedy Blood Berry flying to Glastits on its' own accord.
Sure enough, it did as he thought would and flung itself at his opponent.
"YES," Travis thought out loud, "Travis Touchdown, new and improved with tele-fucking-kinesis!!"
Agent Glastits deftly side-flipped over the incoming beam katana, his guns firing madly the entire time, keeping Travis on his toes. Or hooves, more appropriately.
The Tsubaki started to sputter as its power ran low. Normally, this would mean that Travis would have to stop fighting and recharge his weapon. But now with his phenomenal, cosmic power of mind over matter, he didn't have to stop blocking to keep on rocking.
The Bloodberry flew in front of himself, taking over the Tsubaki's blocking duty. At the same time, his combo-crazy Rose Nasty flew off his belt and the two katanas wreaked their havoc on Glastits.
"What the buck is he doin' with that sword handle," Applejack yelled in shock.
Dash darted across the surface of the crystal ball, looking at the scene from various angles to see if she was really seeing this.
"Is he..." she began as she watched the stallion hyperventilate as he used his magic to furiously thrust the handle between his legs.
"Yes, Dash...That's exactly what he's doing," Twilight finished for her friend to spare them the vulgar details.
Everypony in the room looked away in disgust. Rarity and Fluttershy blushed particularly hard at the idea.
On Fluttershy's back, Jeanne followed the motions of the sword handle, her head bobbing back and forth with the rhythm of the handle.
"Look away, Tia. This is not for our eyes," Luna said as she looked away, and covered her sister's eyes with her own hoof, though the younger princess peeked curiously over the edge.
The next thing they heard was a chiptune beep, and they all dared to look what that had meant. They were relieved to see that the stallion had finished whatever he was doing and resumed fighting Agent Glastits.
Glastits had had enough of the brutal assault of the Rose Nasty. Though the hits were not fatal, they still hurt like hell.
He took his chance and bucked both swords right back at Travis before his guns began to glow a malevolent pink color.
"What the fuck," Travis yelled before his opponent unleashed a huge stream of pink-colored energy.
The beam hit Travis and sent him flying through the doors of the throne room and through several more rooms of the castle.
Travis finally went through a final wall and landed on a long table in a large dining room.
He slid across its surface, and came to a rough stop, before he got up and rubbed his aching back.
"Ow...Why don't I ever land on a stack of pillows," he wondered aloud.
"Hot-diggity-damn, boy! Ah'd o' swore that'd make ya inta unicorn puddin'."
Glastits was making his way through the holes in the walls to continue his fight with Travis.
His guns glowed once more as he got closer to the dining room where Travis was.
Since Travis had dropped his Rose Nasty the first time he was hit by this attack, he snapped to the Blood Berry as he jumped over Glastits' energy attack just as he fired it again.
Travis swung the Blood Berry down hard on Glastits' head, followed by a blow from the Tsubaki, which was subsequently followed by a blow from the Peony.
It was the Peony that made the madstallion stagger when it hit him, interrupting his attack and ending the stream of energy he was shooting just as Travis landed in front of him.
Upon landing, Travis wrapped his forelegs around his opponent's shoulders and hefted him up and over his head, slamming him hard on the table behind him in a classic luchador suplex.
Glastits reeled in pain at the sudden hard impact on the table, but he couldn't lollygag there all day. Not when he saw Travis jumping high into the air and coming down hard with his hooves aimed to connect with his head.
The agent barely managed to roll out of the way before Travis landed his blow, cracking the table where his head would have been.
The two stallions continued their fight across the top of the table, working their way from one end to the far end. Hard light clashed with lead, and on occasion, flesh. As one got the upper hoof, the other started stepping up their game to overcome their opponent. During the fight, Travis found that Glastits' guns had a limited range of movement, allowing the assassin to block his attacks.
Eventually, when the fight reached the far end of the table, Glastits revved up his energy attack once more, this time sweeping a wide area in front of him.
Travis evaded this time by back-flipping over the energy stream and passed through the massive hole in the wall the attack created.
Instead of landing on level ground as he expected to do, he instead fell down an entire story of the castle and landed hard in what looked like a ballroom of sorts, or someplace where formal gatherings occurred.
"What kind of crackhead architect puts the ballroom below the banquet hall," Travis yelled in pain.
No sooner did he finish talking than a new kind of pain hit him as Agent Glastits landed on him and sprang off in an almost jovial fashion.
Travis didn't stay down for long. Before Glastits even hit the ground, he jumped into the air after him, wildly swinging the Tsubaki and the Blood Berry in tandem.
As he fought, Travis found that it was much easier to just use two katana at the same time instead of three or four, especially considering the great weight of the Peony. He found it very odd that the weapons still had heft to them, despite being lifted with his mind.
The two assassins traded blows as they flew through the air, parrying, striking and dodging until they hit the ground.
The opponents clashed their weapons together, struggling to overcome one another.
Travis felt Glastits' guns pushing him back, slowly but surely.
Before, Travis would have to accept being pushed into a loss as his opponents tore into his vulnerable body, but no more now with his mind powers.
Travis took the Peony off his belt and swung the giant blade horizontally, almost taking Glastits off guard.
Glastits, however, perceived the attack just before it got him. He jumped backwards over the blade and landed nearly fifteen feet from Travis. An impressive jump indeed.
It was then that fatigue took Travis, his nearly infinite stamina running dry. Must've been those damn energy attacks.
He looked over to Glastits to see him panting heavily, his guns relaxed at his sides.
Travis took this cue to take a breather of his own and put his three weapons back on his belt.
The assassins eyed each other carefully in a predatory fashion, waiting for the other to open window of attack.
"Had enough, old man," Travis panted, "Just think: in a few seconds, your ass is headed to paradise. And me? I'm getting my cat and going home."
"Heh-heh...," came the labored laugh of Agent Glastits, "Ya think yer headed home after this? Ain't ya never done this song an' dance before?"
Travis's mind lightly snapped when he was reminded that there was always something else to these bullshit fights between assassins. He lightly kicked the floor in frustration, much to Glastits' amusement.
"That's right, slick. I ain't the only one in this shindig. There's more of us hangin' back fer our respective targets."
"I should've known," Travis growled, "Let me guess: there's nine more of you guys? Or fifteen of you? Why don't we up the ante again and give me all fifty-one freaks to fight!?"
"Easy boy! Keep yer garter on! There's only seven of us," Glastits reassured, much to Travis's relief. "Well, technically six, but there's a reason fer that."
"Two counting as one," Travis thought to himself, remembering one of the fights that Shinobu told him about, "If Shinobu could do it, why the hell can't I?"
It was then that Glastits' cannons started to glow with that pink energy that heralded a painful energy attack.
"But we gotta finish this part 'fore we move onta any o' those shmucks," the agent said.
Travis wasn't fully recuperated yet, but he was forced to brace himself for the attack.
Glastits fired and Travis tried, and failed, to block it at all.
He took the full force of the energy attack once more and it sent him flying into the wall behind him.
He could feel his stamina had nearly reached its limit. He knew he wouldn't be able to take much more punishment like this. It was time to pull out all the stops.
In his mind flashed three slot reels. Each reel stopped one by one.
One bell...
"Fuck yes!"
Two bells...
"Come on..."
Three bells!
"BLUEBERRY CHEESE BROWNIE!!!"
Travis's body became renewed with a kind of energy and bloodlust that almost made him orgasm.
He took all of his weapons off of his belt and wildly swung all three of them, sending a volley of spheres right to Glastits.
Glastits smiled once more as a sliver of fear crept into his mind. His fired his normal bullets at the spheres in futile attempt to dissipate them.
No good came from his actions, as the spheres turned each bullet they hit to dust and hit him one after the other.
With each hit, he staggered backwards a step until Travis noticed something: he was heading right under a very jagged chandelier which was begging to come crashing down on some asshole's head.
A few more hits to push him back, and Travis, with one well aimed swing, shot a sphere that severed the cable that was supporting the deadly decoration.
Glastits barely had any time to comprehend what was happening. As soon as the frontal assault stopped, his senses directed him to look upward to see the chandelier coming down on him like a big, golden iron maiden.
"Fuck..."
Was all that the assassin had time to say just before the deadly impact. Soon after, silence filled the room, save for the coughing and sputtering of Glastits as he tried to catch his breath from the spikes that were impaling him.
"...Me..."
He finished as Travis walked over to investigate the damage he had managed to do.
He stood over his fallen opponent, and found Glastits breathing heavily as he lay on the ground, the spikes of the chandelier twisting his body to grotesque angles. Travis looked him over and felt a pang of pity for the dying stallion. It was too tempting to simply put him out of his misery, but something about Glastits intrigued him.
"You knew how this would end," Travis said, knowing full well that he would have read this far, "Why didn't you stay out of this and go bucking or something?"
Blood trickled out of Glastits' mouth, as he only laughed at Travis's question. He was taking this way too well, and was seriously annoying Travis.
"Gee, nothing gets you down, does it, Pollyanna?"
"I thought his name was Marion?"
"Pinkie, please! He's trying to say something."
Glastits spat out a mouthful of blood before speaking, a smile on his face the whole time.
"Ya still don't get it, do ya?"
This whole time Glastits seemed like a kind of joker, even if he did have a sick sense of humor, but now he seemed dead serious. His voice was low and steady, and his words were laced with a tone of anger and admonishment. The sudden change in the agent's demeanor made Travis uneasy, as it did the mares who were watching.
"It doesn't matter what we do or don't do. Whether we know about the watchers or not, we're still slaves to whatever they want. Bastards never give us a say. An' then they take guys like us, an' make us do the sick shit we do just so's they can have their jollies."
"Sorry, but I don't go for that 'can't fight your destiny' bullshit," Travis said as he activated the Peony. It may have been overkill, but that was what would make his day. "Personally, I take the time to treat myself once in a while."
"An' Ah thought Ah was th' funny one here," Glastits mused after spitting out more blood. "Whatever. Ah don't give a shit. If ya really think ya can make do in a world where everything's decided for ya: be my guest."
Glastits eyed Travis in anticipation as he magically raised the Peony over his head, eagerly awaiting the killing blow. His anticipation was cut off when Travis had just one more question.
"You've already read ahead, right? How do I get back to Santa Destroy," he asked.
"What the fuck're ya askin' me for? The monkey makin' this ain't even figgered that part out yet," came the frank reply from the dying assassin.
Travis only huffed as he readied his final blow against Glastits.
"...See ya 'round, slick..."
The red blade came down on Glastits' neck, severing his head from his body.
Any other blade would have simply sent the head rolling, but this katana had a power in it that dwarfed the others.
As soon at it impacted, it sent a shockwave through the room that made everything present rumble and sent the head flying a distance away. When it landed, it still had a manic smile on its face that reminded the spectators of the one Twilight wore when she almost missed a deadline for her weekly friendship report.
The mares in the Castle of the Two Sisters didn't know what to make of what they saw. They didn't know what to expect when the strange stallion arrived, but they definitely did not expect him to kill the assassin. In all their lives, they didn't even so much as hear rumors of a pony who knew a pony who read somewhere that there was a murder. Murder was something that was not even a part in the background of their lives. But it was Pinkie who was shocked the most.
Not only did the death of a pony send her reeling, but Pinkie took in every word Glastits said.
Was she as bad as he was? Did she really make ponies miserable only for the sake of making some invisible watchers that nopony else knew about laugh?
In all her life, she never took into consideration the feelings of the ponies that she annoyed, abused or embarrassed. Or one particularly egregious instance that happened on Nightmare Night, when she created an irrational fear of Princess Luna to the point where the lunar princess began lashing out at others.
These sudden realizations made Pinkie's head spin. Why did that stupid Marion Glastits have to make her think about these things?
"Hee hee hee..." Everypony turned to see Pinkie giggling gleefully.
"What's so funny, Pinkie," Twilight inquired, expecting an answer that made no sense. What she got, though, was a very different response.
"His name," Pinkie said, barely audible through her giggling, "It's 'Marion' 'Glass-tits!' I just got it!"
There was something about Pinkie's laughter that was contagious, as Rainbow Dash began her own fit of giggling.
"Marion," she said, not believing it now that she actually thought about it. "That's a mare's name!"
"I don't even wanna think what anypony else in his family's name could be," said Applejack, herself giggling.
Everypony else in the room started with their own bouts of the giggles. Even the royal sisters couldn't resist the urge.
"Hey, Celestia! You listening," came the voice from the crystal ball.
Looking back to it, the mares all saw Travis back in the throne room and eating his pizza. He had also collected his dropped weapons.
"I'm ready to get the hell out of here."
Celestia hesitated to do so, because even though Pinkie's revelation had made her feel slightly better, her nerves were still shot from witnessing a murder.
"I...," she tried to collect herself as she put on a smile, which was done more to reassure herself than the ponies around her, "I...suppose we should bring him here...To thank him for his assistance in this matter."
These words made Fluttershy immediately crouch to the ground and hide trembling behind her mane. Jeanne immediately cuddled up next to the timid mare to help her feel better.
Celestia used her magic to summon Travis to them. On the surface of the crystal ball, the mares could see Travis being enveloped in Celestia's magic.
"Hey! Hey," he yelled as he was levitated into the air. He quickly gathered up all of his belongings with his magic just before he disappeared off the surface and reappeared in the room with the mares, landing with an audible, "What the fuck!?" His gaze went right to Celestia as she addressed him for his efforts.
"Mr. Touchdown--"
"Travis," Travis corrected her. He never was one for formality.
"Travis," Celestia continued, "We would like to thank you for services, but I'm afraid your work is not done yet."
"Yeah, I know. I still have to look after the other targets," Travis said remembering what Glastits told him. "How many do I have to guard?"
"Five more. It seems that for now, this one is safe," Luna said, indicating Pinkie Pie who hopped in front of Travis with a smile on her face.
It was a much warmer smile than the malicious grin Glastits always had on, and it made Travis feel slightly better about his scenario. Only by looking at her did Travis feel a gentle warmth that he had all but forgotten. Something that he left behind long ago when he became an assassin, and now that he felt it again, he never wanted to let it go.
The pink mare said nothing at first, only staring and smiling, conveying some unspoken message, before quietly saying, "Thank you."
It was apparent to Pinkie's friends that she also had not fully recovered from the shock of what she had seen.
Travis smiled back at her, putting Pinkie and the others more at ease.
"Don't worry about it. I'm just...," he stopped to think about what to say next to not upset anyone in the room, "...Doing what I'm good at. You know, helping others."
This wasn't entirely false, after all the jobs he did around Santa Destroy, he had almost a mile-long resume. It seemed that he chose the right words as Pinkie giggled slightly at what he said, and not a nervous, polite kind of giggle, but a genuine one.
Travis looked past Pinkie to see Jeanne and Fluttershy on the ground. He walked over to the yellow pegasus and gently shook her shoulder. She immediately snapped alert with a terrified 'eep' when she made eye contact with Travis.
Though she was very afraid of him, he seemed different now than when he arrived. He didn't seem quite as scary now that he wasn't angry and irritated like he was when he arrived.
"Thanks for taking care of my cat," was all he said before Jeanne got up to rub her side against Travis's leg. The fact that the cat trusted him helped ease Fluttershy more, but not so much that she maintained eye contact with him.
A silence fell over the room, that lasted for several seconds until Twilight broke the silence.
"We should probably head home now," she said to the princesses.
Celestia silently agreed and teleported the occupants of the room to the safety of Ponyville.
MARION GLASTITS TERMINATED
Author's Note
Just so you know, I'm going to use that joke about fucking with a guy named Marion in my actual story that I want to put onto retail that has Agent Glastits as the villain. Because that shit is hilarious.
Personally, I thought it was weird that the ponies know all about jerking off, but death and murder are not a part of anything in their lives. But who gives a shit? I'm the one writing it.
That's it for the first boss, and I gotta say, the next one in mind is more bizarre than this one. Sorry if the ending is seriously half-assed, but I'm writing that part past my normal bedtime. I actually do that a lot, and I think I should stop doing it, but I have to get these ideas down while they're still fresh and juicy.
Please, people, do yourselves a favor and have a nice day. Rock on, y'all. \m/!
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No More Heroes: Friendship is Fucked!!
Chapter 2: Flutterbutt the Pissed-Off Butterfly
Chapter 2
Flutterbutt the Pissed Off Butterfly
It had been almost two weeks since Travis arrived in Ponyville and things had seemingly returned to normal. The Element Bearers had mostly recovered from the trauma of what happened at Canterlot and returned to their daily lives.
In that time, the royal sisters granted Travis permission to protect the Bearers by any means necessary, so long as he understood that doing so was more of a privilege than it was a position of authority. Another condition being that he not abuse his position as their protector.
No such problems came in the following weeks. Life was about as normal as it could be around Ponyville. On top of it all, after getting to know Travis, the town's residents learned he was actually a pretty decent stallion, if not a tad crude, foul-mouthed and obnoxious. But he was always willing to lend a hoof to anypony who needed him, be it for apple bucking, pastry making, music rehearsals or even regulating the weather, which was greatly appreciated by them.
In his time there, Travis had managed to make some new friends of his own. Spike and Dash both enjoyed learning about his lucha libre fighting style and sparring with him, usually in the middle of the library, much to Twilight's annoyance.
But it was Pinkie who was hogging most of his attention, probably as a way of expressing her gratitude for saving her from 'Mr. Big-Meanie-Glass-Tits' as she called him, giggling every time she mispronounced his name. Usually, the two of them spent their time working in the bakery, but sometimes they could be seen out and about in town at a restaurant or in the market, leading to rumors that the two were dating.
Today, though, he was with Rarity to model for her, along with Spike who was just along for the ride.
"But why do I have to wear chick's clothes," Travis protested as Rarity put the finishing touches on the very frilly gown he was wearing.
"Because all of my other friends were busy, and you and Spike offered to help me with this. Now, be a dear and pose for me," Rarity replied as she moved on to Spike, who was wearing a tiny sailor costume.
Meanwhile, Travis struck his pose by jumping into the air and somersaulting three times before landing on his back legs and putting one hoof on his hip and holding the other one in front of his face, remembering that he had no middle and index fingers to extend. But he just went with it and smiled an winked anyway.
"At least you can make it look cool with the posing and the flipping," Spike grumbled. Even though he enjoyed having Rarity's hooves all over him, he just couldn't get past how ridiculous he looked in that outfit, "Seriously, I look like some noble's spoiled pet!"
"Perfect," Rarity chirped as she adjusted Spike's collar, "That's exactly attitude to have as a model for my line of animal clothing."
"Animal clothing," Spike exclaimed aloud. Was this how Rarity thought of him? Just some cute little plaything for her general amusement. This is what he suffered these indignities for? These thoughts melted away when he suddenly felt Rarity's hooves on his cheeks as she looked him in the eye.
"Yes. And I can only hope they look half as adorable as they do on you, my precious Spikey-Wikey," she said in a tone that always made Spike freeze up. Maybe she did care? Spike could never figure that out.
Rarity turned around to get some more accessories for Spike's costume. In that time, Travis leaned down close to Spike to offer some encouragement.
"Dude, you're in. Go for it," Travis said, nudging the small dragon.
Of course, at Spike's young age he didn't quite understand what the older stallion meant.
"Go for it? You mean...," Spike's sentence was cut off by the sudden return of Rarity who came back with several ribbons for Spike's hat.
"And speaking of pets," Rarity began as she magically put the ribbons, "Wherever is your cat, Travis. I haven't seen her playing with Opal lately."
"She usually hangs out at Fluttershy's place during the day," Travis answered.
Earlier that day at Fluttershy's house on the outskirts of Ponyville, just on the edge of the Everfree Forest, the yellow pegasus was out and around her yard taking care of the various animals that inhabited the area.
Today, as it was for the past couple of weeks, she was assisted by a playful, very helpful gray tabby cat who played with every animal smaller than she was and rubbed against every animal larger than her.
It made Fluttershy smile to see such a happy cat. Normally, cats were very fussy and had specific needs that varied between each individual one, but it seemed that Jeanne was content with just about anything that came her way.
Their routine took them to the garden where Fluttershy started to refill the hummingbird feeder. She delighted in the way the tiny birds darted about, sipping from the feeder and then backing off, then sipping and backing off again, over and over until they flew away.
"Aren't they amazing birds, Jeanne? You know that they're the only birds that are capable of flying backwards, don't you," she turned to look at her feline company to notice something very odd.
Instead of trying to play with the birds like she usually would, she was crouched into a defensive stance and had her ears folded back. Fluttershy immediately became concerned by this sudden change in behavior.
"Jeanne? Is everything alright?"
Jeanne's answer was an aggressive hiss just before she ran off in the direction of Ponyville.
Fluttershy didn't sense that Jeanne was hissing at her. And it wasn't the birds either. What caused her to suddenly become so hostile? It was then that Fluttershy's attention was drawn to a nearby flower in the garden where she saw the most beautiful butterfly she had ever seen.
It was immensely large, almost as big as Jeanne from wingtip to wingtip, and its wings had the most intricate pattern of reds and blacks on them that she had ever seen. It was almost like the patterns made up tiny flames on its wings.
Its eyes made a dazzling spectrum of blues and purples. Fluttershy stepped closer to investigate the insect, when it suddenly fluttered off the flower it was on and alighted on her nose. Its proboscis uncurled and tickled her nose, making her giggle with glee.
"Hello, Mr. Butterfly," she greeted the large insect, "I hope you enjoy my flowerbed. I watered it this morning so that the flowers can grow big and strong. So if you want to come again, you can bring your friends."
Fluttershy could never have anticipated what happened next. She couldn't actually talk to animals, but she understood what the various sounds and body languages meant, but she never, ever expected to hear an animal actually speak to her, let alone say, "Okie-dokie," in a voice that sounded like it belonged to a twelve year old colt.
"What," Fluttershy asked, dumbfounded that the insect spoke.
The butterfly hopped off her nose and fluttered in front of her face before it gave its answer.
"Say 'hewwo' to my wittle fwiend, Beawer of Kindness," when it finished speaking, it drew a steel katana the size of a telephone pole and raised it over its tiny body.
The butterfly swung, and the pegasus screamed.
"NO," Rarity yelled at Travis, who was now wearing a powder blue sun dress and a matching hat, "I told you turn left, then right, then spin, then right again and then pose! Not left, right, spin, right, pose and pose again! You can expect to lose some of your pay for that," she said with a huff.
This wasn't the first time that Travis messed up on a job and one of his dick bosses docked his pay for it, but it was usually for something like burning the food, or making a late delivery. All he did was add an extra move to a minor modeling job.
"Aw, come on! It's not like I set the dress on fire," Travis protested.
This seemed to make Rarity come down from her melodramatics and she apologized to her friend.
"I'm sorry," she began with a sigh, "I know you work hard, and it's not fair to pay you less for that minor infraction."
Travis got a good feeling that he was about to be paid the full amount for his trouble.
"But I'm afraid that I still can't pay you the full amount for your trouble."
So close, yet so far, Travis.
Suddenly, a gray blur rushed into the boutique and started running around the floor. As soon as it stopped, the three present saw that it was Jeanne with her hair standing on end. Travis immediately moved to console his frightened pet.
"Whoah, easy girl," he said as he walked over and reached out to stroke her fur.
Instead of letting him get close as she normally would, she instead recoiled back towards the door.
Travis knew this behavior. It usually meant she wanted him to follow her, like so may episodes of 'Lassie.' This time, she had a strong air of urgency about her, which Travis couldn't ignore.
"Something's wrong," he announced.
He proceeded to literally jump out of the blue dress and hat, with his usual clothes underneath it and hastily followed Jeanne. "She wants me to follow her! Spike, come with me! Rarity, stay here," he quickly ordered as he used his head to pop Spike onto his back.
Then with all haste, Travis followed Jeanne to the source of her worry.
When they arrived at the cottage, they saw an incredibly bizarre sight. From what they could see, Rainbow Dash had beaten them there, and was somewhere in the nearby Everfree Forest. She was darting above the treetops, dodging a giant sword that was being swung around by someone below the canopy, who Travis assumed to be the next assassin. He quickly assessed the potential threat and looked back to Spike, "Hey, remember that sparring match we had today?"
"Yeah, and Twilight threw you out the window when you broke the table," Spike recalled the event. He and Travis were practicing the belly-to-back suplex, when Spike lifted Travis and slammed him onto the table.
"You just told her I did, you little punk! But it's good you remember, because now's a hell of a bad time to forget," he said as he and Spike charged into the danger zone.
Though Spike told Travis stories about all the times he had been left behind, Travis felt fully confident in Spike's abilities to hold his own in a scrape.
Jeanne went her own way to get the friends she made at the cottage to safety.
Spike jumped off of Travis's back and the two friends ran into the forest.
A few meters in and suddenly Rainbow Dash swooped over their heads.
"WHOAH," the two yelled as they crouched under their speedy friend.
As soon as they stood, a new threat came in the form of the sword they saw Dash dodging when they arrived.
"What the shit is that," Travis yelled as the blade passed over their heads.
"I'm sowwy," came a new voice. Looking to the source, Travis and Spike saw a butterfly with a sword way to big for it to be carrying, "I was twying to kiww the bwue wing-pony."
In all his years, Travis hadn't seen anything like this before. He had fought a serial killing ghost, a dickhead superhero, a grim reaper-ette and a punk rocker who had his brain inserted into an earthquake machine. But this was just stupid.
"Okay, dudes with pink guns is one thing, but talking butterflies is where I draw the line," Travis thought to himself, as he dragged his hoof down his face.
Spike readied himself for his first real fight. He had been on a few adventures, but he never got any real experience since the ever-protective Twilight always wanted him to stay out of harm's way. The little dragon tried to look intimidating as he puffed his chest and put on a war face, "If you want Rainbow Dash, you'll have to get through us, bug!"
The butterfly in front of them glared intensely. It seemed like Spike's bravado didn't fly with this one.
Flutterbutt couldn't believe what he heard. He apologized. Genuinely so. So why the hell weren't they accepting? What was it about saying 'sorry' was so foreign to them?! He would have clenched his teeth if he had any.
"I said I was sowwy," Flutterbutt said, as he raised his sword, "Why is that not good enough fow you bumhugs?!"
The massive blade swung with a surprising speed towards them. Luckily, Rainbow Dash was faster, as she picked the guys up and flew them out of the way of the attack. She proceeded to fly them both high above the reach of the sword.
"'Bout time you showed up," Dash said as she quickly gained altitude.
"When'd you get here," Travis asked, wondering what she was doing so far from Ponyville.
"I came here a few minutes ago when I heard Fluttershy screaming," Dash elaborated. She suddenly flashed a cocky grin, "You should've seen it! Just before he got Fluttershy, I tackled him out of the way and sent him flying!"
Travis would have made some kind of snide retort about tackling a butterfly, but he saw the piece that thing was carrying, and it was some serious shit.
The next thing they knew, the giant sword was swinging again, aimed to cut Dash right down the middle.
She quickly flew over the blade, and the three looked down to see the assassin flying below them, his little wings fluttering furiously as he kept pace with Dash.
"You can't escape fwom me that easiwy you siwwy-biwwies," Flutterbutt said as he swung his sword again.
Dash dove to dodge this time, weaving in between the proceeding swings of the sword.
"Where's Fluttershy now," Spike asked as he pulled his legs up to avoid having them cut off by another swing.
"She's somewhere in the Everfree right now," Dash said as she maneuvered into a nosedive that took them safely under another swing, "I don't know where exactly, but she has a few places in there that she goes to sometimes."
Travis began formulating a plan. Strategy was never his strong point, and he usually worked alone, but he was good at using what he had at hand to pull through. And now he had two partners who could help him take on this menace.
"One of us has to go look for Fluttershy," Travis announced the first part of his plan.
"I'll do it," came the immediate response from Spike. Though he felt more confident with his basic beam katana fencing and lucha libre skills, he still didn't feel up to the task of fighting a seriously messed up butterfly.
Another swing of the sword, and Dash was forced to drop Travis in order to properly roll out of the way.
"Oh, shit," Travis yelled as soon as Dash let go.
Dash then looped around and quickly caught Travis about sixteen feet down.
"You fucking dropped me," Travis fumed at Dash.
"It's your fault I did! I can't maneuver right, because you weigh a bucking ton!"
"No, I don't!"
Once again, they were interrupted by Flutterbutt's attack. This time, he threw his sword boomerang-style right at the three. When he threw it, a strong whirlwind was whipped up around the sword, which forced Dash to drop the guys and threw off her balance, causing her to fall.
Flutterbutt took advantage of this situation. He knew to trust his force (for it was strong in him) and he used it to guide his spinning blade through the air back towards his targets.
As the three fell, Travis put the second part of his plan into play. He knew all about Dash's affinity for speed, so his first move was use his magic to toss her the Blood Berry.
"Dash," he yelled as he tossed the inactivated sword handle.
She almost hesitated to catch it in her mouth, knowing how he recharged it, but catch it she did.
As for Spike, he needed a good weapon for beginners, and the Tsubaki Mk. III was just the one for that. "Spike! Catch!"
The young dragon caught the weapon in one hand.
Just as he did, Flutterbutt's sword came spinning back towards them all.
Travis executed a quick somersault which looped him over the top of the blade as Dash simply regained her balance and dove under. Spike, however, caught the blunt side of the katana with his free hand and was sent spinning towards the fluttering assassin.
Flutterbutt caught his sword, and Spike's world stopped spinning.
The butterfly raised his sword up, and Spike began sliding down its blunt edge towards him. Spike's mind raced for a solution, and one came to mind as he came to the base of the sword.
He thrust both of his feet out and struck the large and surprisingly solid butterfly right on the head. He briefly heard him shout, "Ow! My noggin," as he used the momentum from the impact as a springboard to further launch himself into the air.
With several graceful flips, Spike couldn't help but think if this was what he was capable of if Twilight stopped doting over him.
His trip through the air finished when Dash caught him with a graceful shuttle loop and dropped him off on the forest floor.
Travis, meanwhile, used his magic to soften the impact of the landing on the ground. He winced as a shockwave rocketed through his body. The pain from the landing was enough to make his legs buckle and give way beneath him. The only way this could have gotten worse was if there was a giant sword swinging down from the sky directly at him. Which there was.
Travis quickly rolled to the side as the enormous blade lodged itself deep into the ground.
Using this to his advantage, Travis scrambled to his hooves and galloped up the sloped sword as fast as he could.
Halfway up, he drew the Rose Nasty and held both swords out to his sides as he rapidly approached his opponent.
"Ooh, you don't wanna do that," Flutterbutt admonished Travis as he drew nearer, "I wiww be forwced to to bad, eviw things to you!"
From the base of the blade, a vortex of air began to swirl. Soon the vortex worked its way down the rest of the blade towards Travis, growing in size and strength to become a tornado that sent Travis spinning skyward.
Though he learned from Twilight how to better handle his weapons so that he wouldn't drop them, they were still rendered useless as he spun helplessly through the air.
Flutterbutt raised his tornado-engulfed sword and swung downward at Travis, smashing him into the forest floor.
"I towd you I would do eviw things," Flutterbutt said innocently, as if to apologize for his harsh actions.
No sooner did her finish talking did he suddenly feel a series of slashes that seemed to come at him from all angles.
"NOPONY--TOUCHES--MY--FRIENDS," he heard a voice shout between each attack. Looking up, he saw Rainbow Dash's hooves coming down on him.
Her hooves connected with Flutterbutt's face, and the two plummeted to the ground below. After giving Flutterbutt a thorough squashing, she returned above the treetops to fly to where she saw Travis land.
After a quick scan, Dash saw him lying in a small crater, the Rose Nasty lying beside him.
She swooped down to his side and desperately jostled him, fearing the worst, but hoping for the best.
"Travis," she said as panic crept into her mind, "Travis, come on! Get up!"
Travis's eyelid twitched as he groaned in pain. He slowly got to his hooves with help from Dash.
Her mind couldn't comprehend this. Travis was just hit with the biggest sword she had ever seen and he somehow survived.
"How..." she hesitated as she decided to change her question, "Why the buck are you not dead!?"
"Dunno," Travis said as he casually cracked his neck, "Some guys get cut in half by giant swords, and some guys don't, I guess."
Rainbow Dash just figured that maybe it was the way he was built, along with a special kind of magic. That would explain how he survived the energy attacks from the first assassin after all. She noticed that he was not without injury though: his face was scraped and bruised, and his lip was bleeding. It was amazing that he survived with such minimal injuries.
"Remind me to repay that stupid bug for this," Travis said as he wiped the blood from his lip with his sleeve.
"At weast you know how to wepay favows, Mistew Hown Pony."
Knowing that irresistibly cute voice with the adorable speech impediment, the two ponies snapped their heads in its direction to see Flutterbutt hovering in the air a good distance from them.
It looked like Flutterbutt himself had taken a serious thrashing of his own. The edges of two of his wings were slightly torn, and one of his antennae was crimped. He also had a tiny black eye that was just barely noticeable on his little face. "Being nice goes both ways, you know," the insect said, seething in rage, "And you stiww haven't accepted my apowogy."
"Wait! Is that what this clusterfuck's all about," Travis said in disbelief, "You're trying to kill me just because I didn't say, 'It's cool you almost cut my fucking head off!'"
"That," Flutterbutt answered as a breeze began to blow around the three of them, "And aw the othews just wike you!"
The winds around them grew steadily stronger with every word Flutterbutt spoke.
"It's a sewious pain in the abdomen being a gentwe wittle buttewfwy! You go awound spweading joy and hewping othews! Powinating theiw cwops and theiw fwowers, but to we get any thanks fow it? Noooooo. You wepay ouw selfwess acts by destwoying ouw habitats!"
The winds around them became almost too much for Dash and Travis to stay on the ground.
Dash took this chance to make a beeline for Flutterbutt, Blood Berry drawn.
Flutterbutt would not have this during his rant, and swung his tornado-enveloped sword at Dash, sending her up and away as the winds around them became a full blown cyclone that lifted Travis off the ground.
"My pawents taught me that one good tuwn desewves anothew! And I'm hewe to pay back aw the worwd, with intewest!"
Travis couldn't take this anymore. He drew the Rose Nasty once more and started hacking away at the insect assassin. His attacks fell in tandem with those of Rainbow Dash, as she swooped in to cut up the bug a few times before Travis swung again.
Before long, Flutterbutt swung his tornado sword in retaliation at Dash.
She was wise to this trick, and swooped underneath it towards Travis.
She grabbed her friend's hooves and swung him towards Flutterbutt, as he used his magic to spin the blades of the Rose Nasty around him like an oversized buzz saw. Upon passing by his opponent, Travis drew the Peony and swung it down hard on Flutterbutt's head.
The two ponies could practically see the fury radiating from the bug's little body. In a last ditch move, Flutterbutt focused his energy and ejected his opponents out the top of his storm with a burst of wind.
Dash felt the gust ejecting them, and knew that she would be fine, but Travis didn't have any wings to save his flank.
She caught him as she almost passed him by. As the two of them were rocketed upwards, Dash knew that they couldn't keep this up. They would have to end this, and fast. Luckily, speed was her specialty, and she knew exactly what to do.
She deactivated the Blood Berry, and returned it to Travis, who placed it on his belt.
With a mighty flap of her wings Rainbow Dash and Travis both rose high into the air, the speed of their ascent fueled by the tornado around them.
Dash held Travis tightly as the two flew higher and higher past the top of the storm.
Travis looked down and saw the tornado dissipate, creating a window of attack until Flutterbutt whipped up another one.
"Alright, drop me and I'll take care of him," Travis told Dash.
Dash on the other hoof, felt like she had a much better idea. Her wings beat furiously as she carried Travis even higher into the air, using the upward momentum she had gained from the tornado.
"What the hell, Dash," Travis yelled, "He's open!"
"Trust me," Dash said as she stopped ascending when the clouds were just above their heads, "Whatever you're thinking, my idea's way better."
She tightened her grip on Travis and dove at her top speed.
The wind stung both of their eyes, and filled their mouths so that their lips were pulled back by sheer G-force.
As Dash sped up on her descent towards Flutterbutt, Travis began to notice two things: the first was that Flutterbutt was whipping up another tornado to toss them around inside of it like a pair of socks in the dryer.
The second was that there seemed to be a kind of barrier of air building up in front of them as they dove. And it seemed that the faster Dash went, the more solid and defined it became.
Dash saw the tornado growing closer to them, and knew that she still wasn't going fast enough. She began to strain herself, pushing her wing strength past its normal limits to reach a speed most pegasi rarely hit.
The barrier of air between them began to change shape, from a convex dome to a conical point. Once again, she tightened her grip on Travis, and prepared for what was next.
"Get your sword ready! And hang on, 'cause this could really suck!"
Travis did as he was told and readied the Rose Nasty.
The tornado had just reached them when something happened.
First, there was a deafening sound, like a thunderous rumble all around them.
Next, came the blinding spectrum of color that radiated from the two of them, making the tornado disperse as they streaked towards the fluttering assassin.
Travis only just perceived the tip of Flutterbutt's giant katana before he and Dash were impaled on it. He swung one of the Rose Nasty at it, and the pink beam katana streaked a trail of rainbow behind it as it came down, shattering the massive blade. With the other Rose Nasty, Travis raised it up and brought it down hard on Flutterbutt's face.
All three fighters plummeted into the ground, sending a shockwave rippling through the Everfree Forest, and all the way into the streets of Ponyville where some unsuspecting ponies were knocked off their hooves by the sudden force.
Travis and Dash both sat on the ground panting, enjoying the reprieve they earned from this victory. It seemed though, that Rainbow Dash still had some stamina in her, as she suddenly flapped into the air and did a victory loop.
"Did you see that," she yelled as the adrenaline rushed through her body, "That was victory by sonic rainboom!" Dash's wings soon gave way, and she slumped onto her flank next to Travis. With a relieved sigh, she rested her head on Travis's shoulder. "Too bad nopony was watching. I'd be in the Wonderbolts for sure."
Travis didn't respond. It wasn't often that women got this close to him. Usually when they did, they were trying to kill him in some horrible fashion, be it blowing him up, stealing his soul, or clubbing the ever loving shit out of his face.
That last one made Travis shudder a little bit, but his thoughts were interrupted by a sudden shift from Rainbow Dash. Looking over, he saw that now her entire side was pressed up against him.
As a human, Travis was naturally a poor judge of how hot a pony was, but this felt good, and that was what mattered to him at that moment. Then something happened that barely visible in Travis's peripheral vision.
It was as if something just twitched. Something colorful and small, about the size of a jacked-up butterfly.
Travis stood up and drew his weapons. Dash saw Travis's reaction and followed suit by taking the Blood Berry from him, and hovering defensively.
Another twitch happened.
Upon investigation, it turned out that Flutterbutt had not been defeated quite yet, as he was lying on the ground, barely clinging to life.
"Little fucker's harder to kill than a cockroach on steroids," Travis muttered as he looked over the twitching insect.
Dash, remembering the way she felt when she watched Glastits die, turned away to spare herself from witnessing another death.
Travis was about to put Flutterbutt out of his misery, when suddenly--
"Wait," came a soft voice that Travis and Dash recognized.
Travis sheathed his weapons as he and Dash backed away to make room for Fluttershy to step in, shortly followed by Spike.
The two of them looked like they'd been through a rough patch of their own, as scraped and bruised as they were.
Spike walked over to Travis and returned the Tsubaki that Travis loaned him. Afterward, he climbed onto Travis's back and laid down limp, weary from his protection duties.
Fluttershy cautiously approached they dying assassin. Here was a creature that had solely existed for the purpose of killing her, but she couldn't help but feel profound grief and sympathy for him. She picked up the butterfly, and started to cradle him in her trembling hooves.
Throughout her years of taking care of animals, Fluttershy had learned that life was made of meetings and partings, sometimes by the animals going to another home, and sometimes by passing away. She learned that just being there and speaking to the dying was one of the best ways to ease their passing. But she had no words for this butterfly.
She never once in her life met anything like him. Never once did anycreature, be it pony, griffin or minotaur act with such open hostility towards her. She didn't know what to say to the creatures who acted that way. She looked down at him, wanting to cry, but no tears came to her.
Flutterbutt returned the gaze that Fluttershy had been giving him. His whole life, he had never once received any sort of reward for his selfless acts towards others, leaving him unable to know how to handle such a thing. He continued to gaze at the yellow pegasus, until he closed his eyes, never to open them again.
It was in those few moments that Fluttershy gained a connection to her would-be assassin. She knew when somepony was sad or hurting, and Flutterbutt was brimming with both. He was a creature who had nopony to call a friend, or who would praise him for his kind deeds.
Fluttershy found herself relating to him, as there were plenty of times that she felt unappreciated by those around her.
A terrible thought occurred to her: what if one day, she became like Flutterbutt, and she snapped and started hurting others.
With a shuddering gasp, she gently laid the large insect down on a soft bed of small flowers and covered him with a blanket of leaves. Silently, she returned to her friend's side and the four of them made the trek back to Ponyville.
It was Rainbow Dash who decided to break the silence. "Come on. I bet when we get home, Pinkie'll have a huge 'Victory/I'm-So-Glad-You're-Safe Party waiting for us," she said, hoping to lighten the mood.
It seemed to work, for even though Fluttershy remained silent, she smiled and giggled quietly.
"You deserve it," Travis added, "You two look like you've been through hell."
"We ran into a hydra," Spike said, his face buried in Travis's back, "I tried to fight it as best I could, but we ended up running away."
Fluttershy recalled the event, how Spike fearlessly charged the monster, even though it was several times his size, and managed to trip it with one well placed cut. Afterward, they escaped down a steep incline, into a gully that was home to a group of very nasty quarry eels, which he fought off a good number before they escaped.
It was shortly after that a storm brewed, and Spike led her to a shelter on the lee of a large rock before they found their friends. To her, Spike was seriously underselling the story. "He was very brave," she said quietly.
Spike felt a renewed sense of worth building inside of him. Finally, he was going to be able to share an adventure story of his own with the others. "I can't wait to tell everypony how I fought off a hydra on my own."
"YOU LET SPIKE DO WHAT," Twilight raged at Travis as she chased him around Ponyville as her horn glowed malevolently, "I SHOULD THROW YOU TO THE TIMBER WOLVES!!!"
Their chase led them through a number of locales throughout the town, until it took them back to the park where Pinkie was celebrating their victory with their friends.
They all looked on in amusement at the sight. Though they all understood Twilight's protective nature as Spike's adoptive sister, they couldn't help but think that she was overreacting.
Nearby, the animals from Fluttershy's cottage were having a celebration of their own, in honor of Jeanne, who helped insure the safety of them all. Mr. Bear presented a teacup full of cream for Jeanne, held daintily in his claws. Jeanne happily accepted the offering as she and the other animals watched the drama unfold before them.
"Shoot. Twi' sure is mean when she wants to be," Applejack said, as she reached for one of the cupcakes.
She suddenly felt the sting of somepony smacking her hoof away from the tasty treats. She looked to the owner of the hoof that hit her own, to see Pinkie standing next to her.
"Ow! What gives, Pinkie?"
"Those cupcakes are for Travis! So hooves off!"
in one swift movement, Pinkie erected an entire electric fence around that particular platter of cupcakes before admonishing everypony else present.
"That goes for the rest of you too!"
Rainbow Dash decided that the cupcakes were worth a closer look.
It turned out to be just what she suspected: red velvet with a cream cheese and citrus frosting, with chocolate sprinkles. The kinds of cupcakes she made for somepony *ahem* very special to her.
Dash remembered back in the forest, during their reprieve after the victory by sonic rainboom. She couldn't deny that she felt something between herself and Travis, but the cupcakes sealed the deal. Pinkie had staked her claim, and she was not about to back down from it.
With a slightly disappointed smile, Dash resumed watching Twilight and Travis.
Twilight decided to use her magic to end this skirmish. She targeted the tree that Travis was currently hiding behind and began to shake it loose from the ground.
"What the hell are you doing, Sparks," Travis asked, terror barely hidden in his voice.
With a mighty pull and a warrior shout, Twilight completely uprooted the tree and hovered it over Travis.
"No! No! Put that down! Think about it, Sparks! That tree is public property! You're destroying public property just because I--"
WHOMP
FLUTTERBUTT RAINBOOMED
No More Heroes: Friendship is Fucked!!
Chapter 4
Mare Troubles
Pinkie led Travis away to have a private talk away from any prying eyes or ears. Dash noticed them leaving and informed her friends,
"Hey, check it out," she said as she pointed to Travis and Pinkie. "Looks like somepony's about to have a private party," Dash said suggestively.
"Whah...?! How do you know about Shinobu," Travis sputtered to Pinkie when they stopped under a nearby tree.
Seriously! How the fuck did she know!?
"I went back and read the story from the beginning. What do you think I was doing while I was in the cake," Pinkie sternly explained. "Admit it: you're still in love with her, aren't you!?"
"Uh..."
"AREN'T YOU," she shouted as her mane bulged violently.
Travis recoiled slightly from the force of her shout. Her cupcake breath wasn't very pleasant either.
"Didn't you read the last chapter," Travis asked nervously as he tried to reason with her, "It said that I didn't actually return any feelings she had for me."
"Maybe not then, but you sure as sugar do now. I didn't even have to get past the prologue to understand that," Pinkie retorted, "You said she was the closest thing you had to a healthy relationship, and then you were going to give her a call when you got home!"
Travis couldn't believe this: Pinkie was right on some level. "Yeah, I was. But that's only probably why I was going to call her. You know, kind of the reason."
Okay, that was the wrong thing to say.
"But think about how awkward it would be seeing her! I wouldn't even think about doing her for months!"
Pinkie's face changed when he said that. That was definitely the wrong thing to say.
"RRRRGGGHH," Pinkie growled her frustration before she let her fury loose, "You know what!? I don't care anymore! You're a two-timing playcolt who plays tiddlywinks with the heart of any unsuspecting mare who'll give you the time of day! Well, guess what: time's up, Mr. Can't-Stay-With-One-Mare!"
Pinkie turned to go back to the party, but stopped to give her final word.
"I have to go make sure everypony's having a good time at the party. Don't bother coming to Sugarcube Corner for a while. I'll only have horse apple cupcakes for you!"
Pinkie merrily hopped away, but her face remained angry. That is, until she rejoined Sweetie's birthday party and smiled widely as she blindfolded the birthday filly for pin-the-tail-on-the-pony.
"Wow..." Travis said as he recovered from the maelstrom, and walked after Pinkie to rejoin the party.
"Yeah, what he said," Dash agreed from her perch on top of the tree Travis and Pinkie were under.
The party went on, and everypony had a good time, even though it seemed two attendees were avoiding each other.
When it ended, they all went their separate ways.
Travis sulked over to Sweet Apple Acres to help with the apple harvest. When he arrived, Applejack was already in the orchard bucking trees.
She had left the party early to get to apple bucking, but she stopped when she saw Travis approaching and sent him a playful smile. "Well, look who's here: Ponyville's own tamer o' the heart o' sugar. How'd it go, stud?"
"What the hell are you talking about," Travis said as he bucked a tree hard and shook all of the apples loose.
Applejack watched Travis's bucking technique and knew something was wrong. He was bucking much harder than he usually did. About as hard as anypony with something heavy on their minds.
"Wanna talk about it," she asked him.
"Nothin' to talk about, AJ. I'm--just--fine," Travis said between bucking trees.
Applejack watched him as he continued to whale on the different trees as she assessed his problem. She leaned her side against a tree.
"Trouble with Pinkie?"
Applejack knew she had nailed it when Travis stopped his brutal assault on the trees.
Travis was about to deny her again, but decided against it. In his short time knowing her, she had proven to be one of the most understanding, trustworthy people he had ever met, human or otherwise.
"Yeah," he said simply as he nodded.
Pinkie had walked back to Sugarcube Corner, not even in the mood to bounce. She opened the door and was greeted by the sight of one of her bosses, Mr. Cake, who was working the register.
"Hey, Pinkie," Mr. Cake greeted her warmly, "We weren't expecting you to be back until tomorrow. The twins will be happy to see you back so soo--"
Mr. Cake was cut off when Pinkie walked right past him into the kitchen.
This was very un-Pinkie-like behavior, so Mr. Cake took it upon himself to check on his employee. In the back, he found her with his wife, Mrs. Cake.
The Cakes both watched as Pinkie gathered up various bowls and ingredients, and knew something was wrong.
Everypony had their own way of coping. Some ponies had a punching bag, some ponies went bowling, but Pinkie preferred baking as her coping mechanism. She had just added eggs to the sugar when Mr. Cake cleared his throat to talk.
"Is, um...Is everything okay, Pinkie?"
Pinkie grabbed a lemon and began squeezing the whole fruit between her hooves.
"Fine," she said tersely as she strained to squeeze the unsliced lemon, "Just super...DUPER!"
She finally managed to squeeze the juices in with the eggs.
This was going to be tough. The Cakes knew that something was very wrong when Pinkie used sour ingredients. According to Pinkie, if science could find a good use for sour foods, ponies wouldn't have to eat them to get rid of them.
"Honey, it's okay to talk to us," Mrs. Cake said with a warm, reassuring smile, "We want to help you."
Pinkie was viciously stirring the lemon custard at a speed that would make Rainbow Dash jealous. But she slowed down gradually until she stopped after hearing Mrs. Cake's words. She sighed deeply as she put down the bowl and turned to face the Cakes.
"It's Travis," she said concisely.
Those two words summed up everything for the married couple.
"I guess this was bound to happen sooner or later," Mr. Cake said, as he and his wife both wished they didn't have to be the ones to have this talk. But it would be good practice for when their twins got older, so they began to bake with Pinkie as they offered their guidance.
"First things first: why exactly are you attracted to Pinkie?"
Travis thought about his answer as he bucked his tree.
"I don't know...It's not like I can know if she's hot or not. I mean, come on, I'm a monkey in a pony's body."
Travis often used the word 'monkey' when referring to his real form. It seemed to help anyone who wasn't Twilight understand what he was like before he came to Equestria.
"Ya ever think that maybe you ain't just attracted to her 'cause o' how she looks," Applejack said as she put a basket of apples on her back.
Travis did the same, but carried two baskets.
He never really thought about it before, but it seemed like he dated any woman for the sole reason that he wanted to get laid by some hottie, without any regard to what she was like as a person. This was the exact thing that led to so much tragedy in his life.
"I guess there's that," Travis said. "But think about what she's like: she's a living sugar rush who entertains an audience that nobody else knows about."
The two put their baskets on a cart that was hauled away by Big Macintosh. Applejack paused to speak to Travis.
"And yer an obnoxious nutter who kills for a livin'. That kinda crazy makes ya'll perfect for each other from where I stand."
Applejack walked back to the trees to keep bucking, but Travis stayed put as he raised a hoof to voice an objection.
But none came. Her description of them was more or less accurate, but did that really mean he was at all compatible with Pinkie? He followed her back into the orchard to continue their talk.
"But he's so different from everypony else I've met," Pinkie said as she waited for Mr. Cake to finish up his shortbread crust, "He's literally from another world. How much more different can you get?"
"But is that a good thing," Mrs. Cake asked while she set the oven, "Just how is he different from other stallions?"
Pinkie poured the lemon custard into the crust when Mr. Cake finished with it.
"It's so weird," Pinkie answered, "He acts like I'm just another mare. He doesn't jump or yell when I come out from under tables or jump out of rain barrels. Well, he did yesterday, but that's just because I looked like his last marefriend from behind."
"That would certainly be a shock to anypony," said Mr. Cake.
"But that's not even the whole thing, Mr. Cake. When I'm with Travis, I feel so different than I normally do," Pinkie continued her explanation.
"Okay, um...how exactly do you feel when you're with him," Mrs. Cake asked as she put the pastry in the oven.
"I feel like..." Pinkie paused, and rested her forelegs and head down on the table. She took her time thinking of an answer, and raised her head when one came to her, "I feel well-adjusted. Like I can moderate..."
Her answer made the Cakes gasp sharply.
"Oh, dear," Mrs. Cake said, placing her hoof on top of Pinkie's.
The answer had alarmed her employers. They knew it was serious, but only now did they realize how serious it was.
"Listen, this ain't gonna go away if ya just ignore it. The best thing ya can do is find Pinkie, and tell her how ya feel about her," Applejack said with a tone of finality.
Travis nodded slowly. It seemed her message had gotten through to him.
"Yeah, I guess that's all I can do to fix this cluster fuck, he said."
He stopped working to think about just how he would do that. As he looked into space he could see Applejack busily working away.
With a thrust of her hooves, apples came raining down around her. As they fell, time seemed to slow down when she shook her mane back into place as Travis dreamily looked on.
He was still spacing out as he thought about his troubles with Pinkie, so he didn't even hear his own voice when he said, "Yeah, work that flank."
Travis landed outside of Sweet Apple Acres, right onto his face.
"Come back when y'all learn some respect," Applejack yelled to him from across the property. Apparently Travis had done something to offend her sensibilities and earned a buck off the property.
"Okay, thanks for the advice," he yelled to his friend.
"No problem," came the distant reply from the farmer.
Travis shook his head and began staggering his way to Sugarcube Corner.
"First Pinkie, and now AJ looks hot? Am I finally assimilating?"
"Pinkie, I think that all you can do is tell Travis what's true in your heart," came the advice from Mr. Cake. His wife, on the other hoof, had a different idea.
"No, no. She and Travis need to have a talk with each other about where they are in their relationship," Mrs. Cake rebutted to her husband's guidance.
"I don't know about that, Cup," Mr. Cake chuckled, "That's how I got you to date me in the first place."
Mrs. Cake responded with a gentle push on her husband's shoulder.
"Oh, you were so awkward I had to ask you," she said with a chuckle of her own.
The two Cakes turned their attention back to Pinkie, "Pinkie, what do you think you should do? Do you think you should have a heart-to-heart with Travis?"
"Or let him know exactly how you feel about him," Mr. Cake interjected. "Psst, here's a hint: tell him how you feel," he whispered to Pinkie.
Pinkie looked back and forth between her two employers as she thought about who's advice to follow. She chose her answer as the oven dinged, "Why not both? Lemon squares are done," she said with her usual bounce in her voice. She took the lemon squares out of the oven and began fanning them.
Her answer had confused the Cakes. "So, how exactly do you plan on doing that," Mr. Cake asked as Pinkie cut into the pastry once they were sufficiently cooled.
"Don't worry Mr. Cake, I got it all under control," Pinkie said, fully confident that she could handle this situation. She presented a piece of her pastry Mr. Cake, "Lemon square?"
"I think I will," he replied.
"Me too," said his wife, who was immediately given a slice from the pan.
Pinkie happily bit into her own piece, finding a second reason that she used sour ingredients when she was down. There was always a way to make something bad less terrible. She snapped out of this when she heard the bell at the door ring.
"Customer," Pinkie practically shouted, and zipped out to the register. "Welcome to--"
She stopped when she saw who stepped in was just the stallion she wanted to see.
Travis stood in front of the door nervously, as if he was trying to think of something to say. Truth was, he was planning on leaving as soon as he entered if Pinkie hadn't appeared so suddenly. But he was caught now, and he had no choice but to own up to his actions.
"Look, I know you said you didn't want to see me around here--"
"It's okay. I was doing some thinking and decided that I wanted to see you after all," Pinkie replied with a smile.
Travis was slightly dumbfounded that she'd just take him back so easily, "Y-you did?"
That wasn't the smoothest answer he could have come up with, so he tried again, "I mean: yeah, me too."
Also lame. This would be no picnic.
Mrs. Cake poked her head out of the kitchen.
"Pinkie, the twins have woken up. Can you take care of things around here for me," she requested.
She left and Mr. Cake came next.
"I think I'll go with her. You know, it takes two ponies to take care of two foals," he said as he followed his wife.
Travis knew they were bullshitting. Both parents were more than capable of taking care of both babies on their own, but he allowed them to do what they felt they needed to do and leave the two in private.
Mr. Cake rushed to the door and turned the sign to say "Closed" before he hurried back upstairs.
Travis remembered Applejack's advice and tried to think of any words that he could use for Pinkie. Too bad he didn't pursue a career as a poet. Then again, poetry wasn't much fun. "Sooooooo..."
"I'll go first."
"Thank god," Travis thought, "I was about to bust a tumor."
"So, Travis, I need to know: where are we right now?"
Travis didn't quite get the question, and thought in his head, "Sugarcube Corner."
Swing and a miss.
Then it occurred to him what she meant.
"Oh, uh...Well...We're kind of in a weird spot. See, we don't really know each other that well, but we seem to be attracted to each other."
Wow, that was stupid. Not particularly damaging, but stupid nonetheless.
Pinkie knew she wouldn't get anywhere with just that basic question she asked. She had never done anything like this before, so she decided to try a question that she thought was a little more in-depth, "Are you attracted to me the same way you are with Shinobu?"
Aw, fuck! Why did she have to bring Shinobu up again?! It was almost like the situation wasn't awkward enough for her! But Travis decided to power through it and do his best to answer her.
"Pinkie, I want to make it totally clear that anything I had with Shinobu is done. Okay? All I want to do now is start over at the beginning with someone new."
"Start over? After everything we've been through," Pinkie said, trying not to shout.
Her words confused Travis, so he decided it would be wise to ask.
"Everything we've been through? What does that mean?"
It turned out that it was not a wise thing to ask, as he found out once Pinkie's face changed back to the one she had during their first private talk.
"Travis, we've been through so much! You saved me from a psycho killer, we spent every free minute together after that, I made you my special cupcakes! I even changed my look for you," Pinkie said with her voice choking slightly from the quiet rage building within her.
Travis rubbed the back of his head when Pinkie was finished. He chose his next words carefully.
"I understand your point, but you need to really think about this: was there really anything substantial between us up until now?"
The dead silence that followed tipped Travis off that he said the wrong thing again. He barely even started talking with her and he had already failed.
Pinkie and Travis stared at one another for the longest time. Thoughts of their first meeting ran through Pinkie's head. When she approached him after he defeated Glastits, she wanted to do so much more than simply thanking him. She wanted to throw the biggest, bestest party she had ever thrown for anypony in her whole life. She remembered how when he told her that just did it to help others, chills ran through her body. He was scary and intimidating, but she knew that deep down he only wanted to do good for others. That was what made her want to spend so much time with him while he was there, but now here he was saying that he didn't feel the same way at all.
Pinkie decided that she wanted their conversation over with.
Travis flew out the door and skidded to a halt outside of Sugarcube Corner as Pinkie yelled at him from the building.
"Horse apple cupcakes, Travis!! That's all that's coming your way!!!"
"Pinkie, wait! You gotta hear me out," Travis pleaded. But no good came from it.
"Just go away! Ooh, or better: why don't you go back to Santa Destroy so nopony will have to see your stupid face around here again!!!!" She slammed the door to the bakery, leaving Travis in the dust.
When Pinkie returned inside, she tried to start a game of 'Where's Pinkie' with the twins, but all she got every time she poked her head from between the double hinged doors to the kitchen were glares from the infants.
"Is something wrong, babies," she wondered, getting a disapproving shake of Pumpkin's head and a quiet raspberry from Pound. Even though they missed the conversation with she had with their parents, they could tell that she did not have anything under control.
It hurt being admonished by her precious babies, but she brushed it off anyway, "How could you two understand? You aren't even a year old yet."
Travis stood up and dusted off, "Fuck! I'm striking out all over today."
His effort to patch things up was a bust, and with a heavy heart, he left Sugarcube Corner behind him.
The day had passed, and Travis finished all of his jobs around Ponyville without anymore disturbances.
He trudged wearily back to his house. His house was once a dismal, abandoned motel cabin, but when he and his friends were done with it, it turned into a lightly furnished, less dismal, non-abandoned abode. One where most of the other rooms had faulty plumbing and big holes in the walls or floor.
Travis walked through the door of the cabin he chose as his bedroom, and shuffled over to his bed, though the sun hadn't even completely set. He lay on top of the covers, wishing he could fall asleep and wake up the next morning to find that everything in Equestria was just a dream.
Jeanne had come home from Fluttershy's house earlier that day to greet her owner when he arrived as she did every day before. It killed her inside to see her Travis look so sad, so she hopped on the bed with him and snuggled up to his chest after sniffing his head for a bit.
Travis idly stroked Jeanne's soft fur. The day had been rough, and weight of it all had taken its toll on him.
"Why did I bother, Jeanne," he asked his cat.
The setting sun cast its last shadows in the room as it disappeared behind the horizon, seeming to take all color in the room with it. All but the pink on his Bizarre Jelly poster, which only made Travis sadder.
"I was stupid for even trying."
The nighttime in Ponyville was always a sight to behold. Princess Luna always made sure her night sky was beautiful for any ponies who were awake at these times, and in Ponyville there was no excess of light that blocked out a single star.
Though tonight, the whole town slept peacefully. Save the exception of the occupant of the apartment above Sugarcube Corner.
Pinkie Pie shuddered in her sleep as the weight on her mind tormented her now that she was vulnerable.
In her mind, she was down in the kitchen, surrounded by pastries she had been making to put on display, though none of them turned out right.
A small, meek cupcake with yellow frosting and a cherry on top scooted itself over to voice its opinion.
"Um, excuse me," it said in the voice of a familiar yellow pegasus, "I don't think that apple pie needs quite that much cinnamon."
"She over seasoned another pie," the pie exclaimed in Applejack's voice, "I swear, Granny'd make you into a pie if she saw ya messin' up so many of us! How bad is it this time?"
"It's not that bad," Pinkie assured the pie.
Next came a light and fluffy angel food cake with white and purple frosting.
"Darling, that mound is the size of Canterlot Castle. You'd need a building permit if it got any higher," it said in Rarity's trilling voice.
Pinkie growled quietly before she blew all of the cinnamon off the top of the pie.
"There! Is that enough not-cinnamon for you," Pinkie snapped at her pastry-fied friends.
Pinkie was jumped when a dish of rainbow sherbet ice cream fell from the ceiling and onto the counter in front of her.
"She's just having colt troubles is all. You know, if you want, I could take him off your hooves," came Rainbow Dash's voice from the frozen dessert.
"Oh no! you shouldn't make jokes like that," the Fluttershy cupcake said.
"Who's joking? That guy's hot," the Rainbow Dash sherbet said, "And don't lie: you think so too."
If a cupcake could blush, this cupcake would be as red as the cherry on top of it.
"Everypony, this is serious," came the voice of Pinkie's final friend, Twilight, from a very impressive eclair. "Pinkie needs our help right now."
"Thanks, Twilight eclair," Pinkie said appreciatively to the sparkling pastry.
"It's alright, Pinkie. I think I know just the thing to clear this up."
"Okie dokie lokie! Let's kick this pig!"
"Good, now let's begin," the Twilight eclair said with a slight tone of authority. "I'm going to ask you a question, Pinkie. And I need you to answer honestly. Because that's the only way we can help you to help yourself. Okay? Are you ready?
"Rrrrready," Pinkie said now with her bounce back. She was definitely eager to get this load off her mind.
"Do you love him," the Twilight eclair asked Pinkie bluntly.
All of Pinkie's bounce left her. She wanted to object that this wasn't a fair question, but the eclair spoke before she could, "It's a yes or no answer, Pinkie. Do you love him?"
Pinkie reflected on all of her time with Travis, trying to find her answer. Only the truth came to her.
"I don't know," she answered quietly.
The voices of her friends fell silent. The room began to fade to black, and Pinkie was left all alone. It was in these situations that she said all you can do is laugh, but she couldn't even bring it about herself to do that.
With a jolt, Pinkie awoke in her bed in a cold sweat.
The question from her dream kept ringing in her head over and over.
When she turned to look out her window to find that the sun hadn't come up yet.
She got out of her bed, and paced back and forth in her room, not able to get that stupid question out of her head.
Time passed, and eventually, she decided that there was only one way to find an answer.
She went downstairs and exited her home to make her way to Travis's house.
Nopony was awake at this hour. The whole town was cloaked in a thick fog that kept her from seeing anything more than ten hooves in front of her. This normally wasn't a problem, since she knew her way around the town easily having lived there for years. But today, she couldn't make out any familiar landmarks and her Pinkie Sense seemed to have left her entirely. She wandered into the foggy streets, unsure if she was really going the right way.
"Why am I doing this," Pinkie wondered to herself, "I don't need to be here. I'm only doing bad for myself!"
These thoughts permeated her mind, nearly stopping her with every step she took. On she wandered lost through the fog, fighting her crippling doubt and hoping she was on the right track. Her thoughts stopped when she noticed something.
Through the fog, Pinkie saw a silhouette of somepony. She couldn't be sure of who it was, but the stylized mane gave her the impression it may have been Travis.
Her pace quickened for a second when she saw him, but the silhouette turned and started walking away from her into the fog.
"Wait," Pinkie called to the silhouette, but it didn't listen. It just kept walking further into the fog, leaving her behind it.
As she followed the unknown silhouette, she began to feel her worry and doubt leave her. Even her sense of direction felt like it was returning, though she still was unsure of where she was. Pinkie almost smiled as these familiar feelings welled up inside her as she followed the silhouette to its destination.
"I should hate him right now, so why do I feel this way," Pinkie said quietly to herself as she ran, "Is it because I really do..."
She hesitated before she could finish.
The silhouette disappeared and Pinkie found herself in Travis's front yard. Briefly wondering how she found her way there, she walked down the path to his door and lightly knocked. She waited, but no answer came. Maybe she knocked too lightly? She knocked harder this time, and still no answer. She was about to leave, but stopped herself, "No! I came all this way. I have to see this through."
It was obvious that he wasn't going to answer any knocking, so with a deep breath she opened his door and peeked her head inside.
"Travis," she quietly called.
No answer.
Pinkie let herself into his house and was greeted by Jeanne. A quick scan showed no sign of him in the living room, so she investigated his other rooms. But she still couldn't find him.
Not in the bedroom, not in the kitchen, not in the laundry room, and not even in his save room. It was as if he had completely disappeared from her life.
"He's gone," Pinkie thought to herself.
Dread gripped her as she remembered what she said yesterday afternoon: 'why don't you go back to Santa Destroy so nopony will have to see your stupid face around here again.' Her mind nearly snapped when she realized that she may have been responsible for this.
"I did this...I told him to go away, and he did! Oh no, I'm a terrible pony!"
She ran from Travis's home, desperately searching Ponyville for any clues to his whereabouts.
Ponyville's park was a place where happiness was abound. Ponies taking walks, foals playing games, picnics, street performers, romantic meetings.
None of these things happened here so early in the morning, and the dismal morning fog did nothing to alleviate the dreary atmosphere. Today, Travis Touchdown was the park's sole occupant.
He didn't sleep at all last night. He was busy thinking about Pinkie, and why he felt so bad for her even though his own heart was broken, until he decided to take a walk to clear his head. Instead, he only found his thoughts more cluttered than before.
Travis thought about how every time he thought he found someone he'd want to share his life with, something happened that ruined it, and it was always his own fault. He always screwed it up by being Travis.
Through his time alone, he realized how out of place he was in this land. Equestria was a place that he didn't belong in anymore than he did his crappy homeworld. He began making plans to return home as soon as possible, as sleep was about to finally take him.
"Travis!"
Travis perked up when he heard a familiar voice calling his name. The fog had begun to clear, and he was surprised to see Pinkie running down the path towards him. More surprising was that he could see fear in her eyes.
Partly worried to see her so distressed, but partly relieved to see her at all, he got off of the bench to receive her.
Instead of stopping in front of him, Pinkie threw her full weight onto Travis as her front legs wrapped around his neck, knocking the wind out of him.
"I'm sorry I told you to go away! I didn't mean it! I swear! Please don't disappear again! Please, please don't go," she desperately pleaded with her face buried in his chest. She began to ease as she felt Travis's hooves wrap around her waist.
"Pinkie, it's okay. I'm not going anywhere," he gently consoled the trembling mare. The two sat down in the grass, and Pinkie lifted her head to look Travis in the eyes. "I'm going to stay because you're...," Travis paused before he spoke his next words, trying to pick the exact right thing to say and hope he didn't mess up this time. "Because you're my friend."
Friend. That was the word Travis picked. 'Friend.' Out of all the heartfelt, sentimental words he could have picked, he chose that one. But it seemed that Pinkie understood what he meant. Her face slowly inched closer to his as she smiled.
"You're my friend too, Travis."
Their eyes closed, and the world around them ceased to exist. All they had now was a special place where the two could be happy.
They laid their bodied down on the grass, its coolness contrasting the warmth of the sun that was barely beginning to come up. With the arrival of the sun, the fog around them began to disappear, and with it: the questions that had plagued them so. They had found their answers.
Author's Note
Okay, so obviously this chapter is a part of that different direction that I talked about in the last Author's Notes section, and frankly, I don't know if this chapter turned out very good. Romantic stories aren't exactly my thing, so I'm not sure if this was any good. I got ideas for this chapter by listening to a bunch of sentimental songs like Nelly's Just a Dream or The 69 Eyes' Lost Without Love . Lots of songs like that, but not just love songs, I won't bother listing them since I can't remember all of them off the top of my head. Get ready for more non-assassin chapters and please let me know if this chapter isn't as bad as I think it may be. Please, I live for your approval. Rock on, y'all \m/
No More Heroes: Friendship is Fucked!!
Chapter 5
Noble Choices
"I'M IN LOVE, PONYVILLE," came the call that rang through the town that morning.
The new couple decided to spend the morning together before they had to go to work. Pinkie was determined to share the news with everypony she met, so she spent most of her time zipping between various civilians to announce her new found happiness.
"Hi there, little old mare! Guess what! I'm in love!"
"Hey, young couple with the morning coffee! Guess what! I'm in love!
"Howdy, drunk in the gutter! Guess what! I'm in lo-ooooove!
"Hi-ho, funny-looking animal from Fluttershy's house! Guess what! I'm in l-o-v-e, love!
"Cute, little foals on their way to school! Guess what!
"You're in love?"
"YES!!"
Nopony reacted much to Pinkie's actions, but neither she nor Travis cared. They were happy being with each other, and that was all that mattered to them.
The only trouble happened in the market, from a stubble-bearded stallion in a sailor's hat who said to Pinkie, "I got yer love right here, toots," as he stuck his tongue out at her with an audible *bleh*.
Travis wasn't about to let this jerk get away with talking to his girlfriend like that. His hoof shot out and grabbed the stallion's tongue, before pulling his whole head down to the display stand of his stall.
"Listen, Popeye, it's exciting for her! So start smiling before I come back there and give you a fucking attitude adjustment," he shouted.
"You better do what he says. My coltfriend kills ponies," Pinkie boasted as she put her forelegs around Travis's neck.
"Wow! Heeth uh reel cath! Yo uh wucky mawre," said the merchant, now suddenly enthused for the couple.
Travis released the ruffian's tongue with a smile.
"That's better," he glanced down at the fruit he had on display, "Hey, how much for the strawberries?"
"Fifty bits."
Travis grabbed the merchant's tongue again.
"How much, asshole!?"
"Thwee foh wun bit!"
"Give us eighteen."
Travis exchanged his money for the fruit, and realized he didn't have a basket or saddlebags to put them in.
Pinkie offered her help by stuffing them into the vast spaces of the inside of her mane. Unhygienic, yes, but it was good enough for them.
"What are the strawberries for," Pinkie asked curiously as she and Travis walked away from the merchant.
"I've been in the mood for a strawberry sundae lately. I thought it would be fun if we made our own," Travis answered, which got a giggle and a bounce from Pinkie.
This was an exciting first step for her to be making sweet treats with her new coltfriend. But, it was short lived, as she suddenly stopped.
"Wait: we can't have sundaes," Pinkie said, uncharacteristically seriously. As Travis was about to ask why not, "We don't have any wafer cookies to crumble over the top!"
There was that Pinkie-ness again suddenly.
"I'll make some when I have some free time at work. Oopsy-daisy! Speaking of which: it's about time I got back to the bakery," she said now realizing the time. One more kiss for Travis to hold him for the rest of the day and she hopped off to work. Then she came right back. "I almost forgot: say thank you to Twilight Eclair for me."
This made no sense, but Travis agreed to it anyway.
Pinkie returned to hopping to work, announcing her love the whole way.
Travis stood watching her until she was out of sight. There was only one other time when he felt this way, and that was when he was with his first girlfriend. That is, before she--
Travis hesitated to finish that particular thought, as it would be a serious spoiler for his first adventure in Santa Destroy. Besides, today he was supposed to help Twilight at the library, followed by Spike and Dash's sparring lessons. In such a short time, the two had become very adept fighters, which almost brought a proud tear to Travis's eye. This must be how Master Jacobs felt when he graduated a student. He began devising a training plan for the two as he trotted to the Golden Oaks Library.
The trip to the library was uneventful, with only a single pony congratulating Travis for his relationship with Pinkie. When he reached the library, he entered by smacking the door open with a solid jab and announced his presence.
"SPIKE!! FRONT AND CENTER!!"
Instead of Spike, a pillow came down from the second floor and flopped hard on his face. He shook the pillow off.
"Hey, what's with the crappy reception?!" He shouted, though was slightly grateful he wasn't thrown out the window again.
"You know darn well, Travis" Twilight said as she poked her head over the railing of the second floor," And if that door's broken again, it's coming out of your payment!" She was of course referring to the job Travis had today: shelving the books that were lying around.
"It's your fault for buying these cheap, imported bargain bin doors! You gotta buy 'Made in Equestria," Travis replied.
"Rrrrgh!" Twilight growled, as she came downstairs.
"And where's Spike? He's usually ready by now."
"Spike," Twilight said as she scuffed her hoof on the floor, "He's kind of...indisposed at the moment."
This was odd. Spike never missed his beam katana fencing or lucha libre sparring. Travis wasn't exactly the brightest person around (just ask Destroyman (asshole)) but he knew when something was amiss. But, he just brushed it off. He would just look into it later. Right now, he had a job to do.
"Right," was all Travis said before he got to work on the bookshelves.
The first order of business was to dust the shelves and get rid of all the cobwebs.
With his magic, Travis grabbed a feather duster and gently goaded all of the spiders out of their homes and out the open door.
"Okay, let's go! Move it or lose it! You don't have to go home but...uh..." Travis couldn't finish that thought, as he was just then evicting the spiders from their homes.
One of the spiders turned around to glare at him, with its front legs crossed and two of its little feet tapping.
"Dude, come on! My friend runs an animal shelter like a mile out of town! Pack up and go there!"
Travis could have sworn that the spider flipped him off before it skittered away with the others. After they all left, he went about his job.
He did so by throwing the books like ninja stars into their respective places on the shelves.
It was around noon when he finished, and none of the books were harmed or misplaced. Twilight let out a relieved sigh and got to eating her breakfast. Sure it was noon, but she didn't get a chance to eat, as she was having multiple heart attacks the whole time Travis was working.
Twilight took an eclair from a dozen that she had hidden from Spike after she bought it from Sugarcube Corner yesterday. Before she even took the first bite, Travis grabbed her hoof. "Travis, what are you doing," she asked, slightly annoyed.
"Pinkie says 'thanks,' Travis told the eclair. How this tasty, cream-filled loaf of greatness deserved any thanks was beyond him, but he had fulfilled his promise.
Now that he had finished up the library business, he was now ready to tackle Spike and Dash's combat lesson.
Twilight tried to explain that Spike wasn't feeling well, but Travis reasoned that he wouldn't always be feeling up to snuff if there were a surprise attack.
When he went upstairs, he was greeted by Spike bumping into him.
"Travis! Hey, how's it going," Spike said, almost too enthusiastically. "I just remembered that I can't do fighting lessons yet! Fluttershy said she had a book that she wanted delivered to her!"
Something really wasn't right. The first was that Twilight didn't usually deliver books. The next was that even if she did, she could just teleport it there or deliver it herself.
Spike shuffled past Travis and made his way to the door with Travis behind him.
"Okay, so we can train on our way back," Travis said, knowing full well that if they damaged that book on the way to Fluttershy's house, there'd be hell to pay.
"NO," Spike yelled, almost knocking Travis over with the force of his yell. He realized what he just did and collected himself, "I mean: I can do this by myself. You know, practice being independent. Staying self-reliant. Things like that. Okay, bye," Spike said very quickly as he left the library. He soon came back though. "I forgot the book. Um..." his hand hovered unsurely over the books on the shelves before he picked one, "Here's what Fluttershy wanted. Bye again!" And Spike hurriedly left the library once more.
Okay, so just what was Spike up to. The book he chose was very clearly not Fluttershy friendly. Anything that had a title like Ghost Stories to Scare Your Flank Off couldn't possibly be.
Travis decided that he should follow Spike to see just what was going on.
"Alright, time for another stealth segment," Travis thought. And hopefully, it wouldn't be as crappy as the first one he had back on the prison island.
He waited a few seconds for Spike to get a head start and exited the library to demonstrate his shadowy prowess.
As soon as Travis left the library, he was suddenly ambushed.
A solid kick was delivered to his side that sent him sprawling on the ground.
He recovered with a fluid roll and saw his attacker to be Rainbow Dash, who dove at him with her beam katana drawn.
Travis parried her attack with his Tsubaki.
"Dash!? What the fuck are you doing," he yelled at her.
Dash, responded with a furious assault of slashes.
"Just what you taught me: start a fight with a bang, and show no mercy," she said as she kicked Travis away.
When they were at a distance, she tossed her beam katana into the air, caught it in her teeth after a flashy loop, and finished with a dynamic pose as she flashed her confident smile.
Travis had indeed taught her well.
"I'm gonna win this time!" Dash declared.
Dash continued her assault, and pushed Travis into the busy streets of Ponyville.
The resident ponies all ran for cover as their furious sparring session once again wreaked havoc on their peaceful lives.
Travis used his magic to smash her between two market stalls.
"God dammit, Dash! This is supposed to be a stealth scene," Travis yelled at his boisterous friend.
Dash's next move was to push away the two stalls with her wings.
"Okay, but if we're gonna do stealth, we do it my way," which she meant it was to be just as loud as it was now, but nopony would see her.
She demonstrated this by flying at Travis, and just as he was about to parry, she disappeared from his view.
The next thing he knew, he had to block her attack from behind when she disappeared again.
And then another block to the rear.
And again.
And again.
It was like that annoying attack that Jasper Batt Jr. kept using on him when he attacked from all sides.
"Seriously! Knock it off," Travis yelled as she came at him again.
Dash only stopped her attacks to flash her brash smile and gloat.
"Giving up? Forget it! I'm not stopping until I've got you on your knees eating dirt," she said before swooping again.
Her attacks drove Travis back into the main street of Ponyville, the whole time Travis trying to make her cease her assault.
"Come on!"
"I need to be somewh--!"
"Spike! He's--"
Dash reared back for a swoop that was sure to get the best of Travis, but her attack was offset by Travis knocking her off course and putting his forehooves on her neck and back, followed by Travis bending over backwards and slamming her enter body onto the ground.
"I said: quit it," he sternly yelled at her as he had her pinned under him the way he had done after his first fight with Shinobu.
The message seemed to finally reach Dash and she quit struggling.
"Sorry, were you trying to say something," she asked innocently.
Travis let out a frustrated groan as he somersaulted onto his hooves.
Dash helped herself up with a slightly less graceful somersault, "What's up, teach?"
"Spike's what's up. He's not coming to his lesson today," Travis explained.
This news was a surprise to Dash. She knew full well what an eager student Spike was.
"Seriously? But we were gonna practice piledrivers today! He's been looking forward to that for days," Dash said as she frantically darted to each of Travis's sides, "Somethings doesn't smell right, and we're gonna find out what!"
"Damn straight we are. But we need to find out discretely," Travis instructed.
Dash put a hoof to her chin and nodded.
"Got it. We'll start when I find out what 'discretely' means," she declared.
Spike was nervously making his way down the path to Fluttershy's house. He had grown bored with the walk, and decided to start reading the book he was supposed to be delivering.
Just when he got to the part of the story where the character was holed up in a rundown, wind-beaten shack, and could hear something large slithering through the tall grass outside, he nearly jumped out of his scales when he heard a rustle of grass behind him.
With a yelp, he quickly turned around, and all he saw was the empty road and a perfectly clear sky, save the number of clouds present. He knew he had no reason to be afraid: the grass here was too short to hide anything that wanted to eat him. Spike turned around and resumed his walk.
As he walked away, the grass rustled more, and Travis's head popped up with a crack.
"Kyaaaaa," he quietly yelled as he necked popped.
A small cloud drifted to his side and Rainbow Dash poked her head out from the side of it.
"Nice save. Where'd you learn to hide like that," she quietly wondered as Travis rose from the grass, cracking the rest of his joints.
"I saw Pinkie do it, and I didn't have a lot of options," Travis explained, "She must be double jointed or something. Because seriously: ow."
The rest of the trek to Fluttershy's house was harrowing to say the least. They thought their cover was blown for sure when Spike investigated the sneezing cloud that was hanging suspiciously low.
"Gesundheit," he said before he went about his way.
The two shadows stopped tailing Spike before they reached the perimeter of Fluttershy's cottage so as not to alert any animals. They watched him knock on the door, which was answered after a few seconds.
"Oh, Hello Spike. I wasn't expecting you today," the yellow pegasus greeted him.
Without a word, Spike pushed past Fluttershy into her house and shut the door behind him. Now was the time for Travis and Dash to get closer to further their investigation.
"Dash: recon that window, and I'll listen by the door," Travis said as the two approached the house, when Travis had something he had to ask, "You know what 'recon' means, right?"
He only asked this question as he realized Dash was no longer at his side and flying into the open window. She clearly didn't know what 'recon' meant. But he went with it and knocked on the door, which was answered once again by a distressed Fluttershy.
"Travis? What are you doing here," she meekly asked as he stepped inside with Dash. This was becoming too much for the poor mare. Sure, these were her friends, but there seemed to be something wrong to her.
"Spike's not at his sparring lessons. You seen him around," Travis inquired as he looked around the cottage.
The initial scan showed no sign of Spike anywhere. Travis and Dash both started looking around the house for anywhere he may have been hiding.
Fluttershy nervously shook her head, "Uh, n-no. I haven't seen Spike at all today."
That was a lie, and they all knew it.
Dash hovered over to the other pegasus and looked her in the eye.
"Remember when my sandwich disappeared, and I asked where it went, and you said that you didn't know even though you had crumbs all over your face, and when I asked you about it, you said that you were growing a beard," came the long-winded question from the blue pegasus.
Fluttershy answered with a nervous nod.
"Point is: you suck at lying, Flutters."
"I'm sorry," Fluttershy whimpered, bordering a panic attack, "I didn't get to eat my lunch because Angel Bunny kicked me out of the house to buy more carrots!"
She yelped slightly when Dash grabbed her shoulders and lightly shook her.
"You can't keep the truth hidden forever," Dash yelled before Travis stopped her.
"Let her go, Dash. Spike's obviously not here," he said as he levitated the bags of feed he was looking under. "Let's try somewhere else and-- HIYA!!"
With a jolt, Travis body slammed one of the bags, and Spike's head popped out of the opening, along with a sizable amount of feed.
"Nice," Dash commended, "How'd you know he was in there?"
"Most feedbags don't read their books out loud," he answered as he held up the book Spike had brought with him. The book was now pouring feed out of its open pages."
How the hell was Spike reading in there anyway?
Spike answered with a pained moan, but Travis told him to walk it off and he'd be fine. Of course, that would only be after he could walk, instead of laying limp on Travis's back.
With a whoosh, Dash cleaned up the mess on the floor, and the three left with a short apology for the intrusion.
As they walked to their training spot, Travis tried asking Spike what he was doing ditching his lesson like that, but Spike only gave threadbare excuses. Travis realized he would get nowhere and decided to drop it, in favor of another topic.
"So what happens? Do Strawberry and Blueberry even kiss," Dash asked. The topic they chose was life in Santa Destroy, and the two Equestrians found Bizarre Jelly particularly fascinating.
"Yeah, but only after the writers decided that they need to talk about it for half the episode," Travis answered dully. Seriously, what a crappy thing to do, making him think it was going to be a fanservice episode, only to just be an exposition episode where they kiss at the tail end. "They're probably just friends by the next episode anyway," he thought.
"That's stupid. I say if somepony loves somepony else, they should say so and give in. Besides, lots of fillies experiment at even younger than that," Dash said, getting a weird look from the guys. With a grin and a blush, she decided she'd better explain, "You know, back at camp, me and Fluttershy kind of...Shut up! Don't judge!"
"I actually think it's pretty awesome you at least tried to find out," Travis said reassuringly. "Not like what I found out with my first girlfriend," he muttered, leaving the other two to wonder what he meant.
"What did you find out," Dash inquired.
"Spoiler, Dash. I went over that earlier this chapter," came Travis's short reply.
That was weird. The more she got to know him, the more and more he sounded like Pinkie Pie. It was so strange to her: he and Pinkie had so much in common, so why did they not hit it off? After that fight they had, was there really no chance of them making up? Sure, Pinkie staked her claim on Travis with her special cupcakes, but now it seemed to be null and void.
Not that it was a problem. After all, Travis needed a mare who was more his speed anyway. Somepony who could keep up with him, and give him the challenges a tough stallion like him deserved. Somepony like--
"Wait, what are we doing here," Spike asked, derailing Dash's train of thought. Spike had said almost nothing the whole trip, but he was suddenly speaking now that they were back at the Golden Oaks Library.
"What do you mean? You need your beam katana for today's lesson," Travis answered simply. He was about to go inside when Spike zipped in front of him, impeding his progress.
"But I thought we were just doing piledriver lessons today," the young dragon said as he moved to each side Travis did as he tried to enter the door.
"Yeah, we are, but we still need to do the fencing drills like we always do. And as soon as you move, we can get your sword and start," Travis said, growing slightly more irritated by Spike's behavior.
"But Twilight might be getting out of the shower right now! I don't wanna see her naked," Spike quickly said.
That wasn't much of an excuse, since Twilight was always naked, being a pony and all.
Travis had grown quite weary of this and wound up for a powerful punch. The blow he delivered took the door right off its hinges this time, and what he saw inside the library made everything up to now make sense.
A beam katana was something that was very difficult to put together, and even more so to take apart due to the volatile nature of their engineering. It would take a long time to safely take one apart, and here Twilight was, at her desk, carefully dismantling Spike's Fire Ruby. Or at least she was, until the jolt she got from the door breaking.
"What the hay are you doing, Twilight," Dash exclaimed as she took the partially dismantled handle from her.
"Spike needs that to learn how to fight! I thought you were supposed to encourage learning, Sparks," Travis yelled.
Spike sighed deeply. He knew he'd been caught.
"It wasn't her idea, Travis. It was mine," he said with his head hung.
"I was taking it apart before you came here today. I asked Twilight to finish the job while I distracted you if you came by before I was done."
"So, that's what this was all about," Travis thought, "The kid was only playing hooky to keep me busy." He had to give Spike some credit, because it was actually pretty clever how he had anticipated to be followed by him if he acted suspiciously enough. But there was still the ever important question, "Why don't you want to learn to fight anymore?"
"Well...I..." Spike scrambled for an explanation.
Any excuse would do to subvert Travis, but he couldn't think of any at that moment. He decided it would be best if he just told the truth.
"Travis, you've been awesome. Before I met you, I could only hang out with mares. And every day, I waited on any whim Twilight had. And when she's out protecting Ponyville, or Equestria itself, I always have to sit back hear about the details! I always felt like I was being left out!" Spike cast his gaze downward as he took a seat in one of the nearby chairs. "But you. You're like the big brother I've always wanted. You taught me things that I'd never learn with Twilight."
These words struck a blow to Twilight. She had looked after Spike ever since he was born, and came to love him like her own brother. She felt like it was up to her to teach him the ways of the world as she saw them, and to show him right from wrong as her own older brother had done with her. And now after everything she had worked towards, Spike was saying that he looked up to Travis.
Dash could read all of this in her friend's face, and moved in to stop Twilight from interjecting, "Easy. Let him talk," she said.
Thing was, Twilight was going to anyway. Any other time, she would have put up some kind of fuss about something like this, but what Spike said seemed to take the fight out of her and made her allow him to finish.
"I was always left wondering what good I was besides taking notes and keeping schedules," Spike continued, "I never knew what I wanted outside of my responsibilities." His pent up emotions began to surface, and threatened to make him break down and prevent him from continuing. He did his best to hold them back, which made his voice tremble, "But when you taught me how to fight...I knew that I wanted to protect my friends. But I'm not even any good at that!"
"You're kidding," Travis replied, "You've learned faster than I ever did."
"Yeah, but I can't do what you do," Spike said, now physically trembling, "I can't...kill anypony...I want to keep everypony safe, but I don't think I can if I have to kill to do it!"
Travis smiled after Spike was finished. That was really all that was bothering him? This was an easy thing to fix. At least to Travis, it was easy. He looked over what was left of the beam katana, and deemed it safe for what he would do next. Then, he picked it up with his magic, grabbed it between his hooves and crushed it like a beer can.
What he had done confused Spike and Twilight, "Why did you do that?"
"Because you just made an important decision, Spike," Travis said as he chucked the crumpled beam katana into the trash, "You've just made your own way in your life."
"I did," Spike said, no longer trembling.
"What do you mean," Twilight asked curiously.
"You took the lessons you learned from others and made them work for you based on what you know about yourself." Travis couldn't believe what he was saying. To him, it all sounded like bullshit, but at the same time, it made a weird kind of sense, "And believe me: it's easier to protect others without killing than you think it is."
"Really," Spike's face lit up when he heard this. "Then why don't you do it?"
Travis was stopped in his tracks. He didn't want to say that he did it because he enjoyed killing faceless goons. That would have killed his friends on the spot. He carefully picked his next words, and started with an example, "I did once. She was an assassin too. But sometimes, death's a way of honoring your opponent. When I first became an assassin, I made the mistake of sparing someone who didn't want to live after being beaten, and I regretted it when I did. I won't go into the details about what happened after that."
"Thank Celestia," everypony thought.
"All and all, what really matters is what you want to do," Travis continued, "Come on, buddy. What is it you want?"
"I..." Spike hesitated. Though he had often thought about this issue, this was the first time he really confronted it. He quietly gave his answer, "I want to be worth something in all of this."
These words touched Twilight. To her, he had always mattered.
"Oh, Spike," Twilight said as she took her little brother in her hooves, followed by Dash.
Travis watched the three and decided to join the hug. He put his forelegs around his friends and held them close to him. After everything that had happened between him and his new friends in this crazy world, things were starting to make sense. He began to feel like Equestria was truly the place he belonged. Here, he had friends, a real brotherly relationship, a community that he cared about, and a woman he loved.
Speaking of which, Travis became aware of a familiar presence behind him.
With a smile, he turned to see Pinkie standing there with a platter stacked high with wafer cookies, and a smile plastered on her face.
"Cookies are done," she said cheerfully as the four broke their group hug, "Who wants a sample before they get crumbled for sundaes?"
They all eagerly took a cookie and bit into them. Not too crunchy, perfectly flavorful, perfectly Pinkie.
"If you don't think they're good, I can just have the batch destroyed and start from scratch."
"They're great, Pinkie," Twilight assured her. It was unusual for Pinkie to be so unsure of her baking skills. What exactly could have made her doubt herself.
"Are you sure," Pinkie asked, as she went slightly shifty-eyed, "I have the fire barrel prepped back home."
"Don't take our word for it. Try one," Travis said as he moved closer to Pinkie's face with a cookie held in his teeth.
Travis passed the cookie into her mouth as their lips touched. This naturally led into a passionate kiss, followed by the two groping each other, which was followed by them dropping their bodies and continuing their dance of love on the wooden floor of the library.
Spike gagged from the disgusting display of affection, while Twilight simply watched the two make out in front of them.
"Well, mystery solved," she thought to herself. After a few more seconds of watching them kiss, she began to feel nauseous. Sure, she sometimes fantasized about the perfect stallion, but it didn't seem right when it wasn't her doing the kissing. "So, I'm sure the two of you want to be alone right now," Twilight said.
Her statement made Pinkie and Travis snap to their hooves.
"We can't be alone just yet," Pinkie declared, "We still need to get everything for the sundaes!"
That didn't make sense.
"Didn't you already get everything," Travis asked her.
"Nopie-dopie," Pinkie said with an emphatic shake of her head, "We still need so much stuff: the ice cream, the sprinkles, the candies, the chocolate syrup, the strawberry syrup, the caramel, the butterscotch, the bubblegum, the hot sauce, the corn kernels, the sauerkraut, the--"
"Okay, Pinkie! Stop before you get to the motor oil! I'm nauseous enough after the sauerkraut," Travis said. Pinkie began excitedly bouncing.
"But I want everything to be perfect for the first time we make sundaes together," she practically begged, "We only get one first time, don't we? I want our first time to be something special that we'll remember! And then we'll keep trying to make it better and better and better!"
When she finished, all of Travis's holstered weapons activated on his belt at the same time. Anyone who really knew Travis would know that his mind was elsewhere as Pinkie spoke. With a quick swat on Travis's belt, Pinkie deactivated all of his weapons, "Let's get moving! We need to get everything before it's dark."
"It's only past noon," Travis reasoned.
Pinkie excitedly grabbed his hoof and led him out the door.
"That only gives us a few hours until dessert," she said as she and Travis exited the library. Twilight and Spike watched the happy couple leave until the shut the door.
"Well, there goes a cute couple," Twilight said whimsically.
"But a couple of what," Spike finished.
They both were about resume their duties around the library when they saw Dash staring at the door. She looked like somepony who just received the worst shock of her life, the way her eyes were stuck wide open, and her jaw dropped nearly to the floor.
"Dash? Are you alright," Twilight asked.
In Dash's mind, she was playing the words she had said earlier over and over in her head: 'I say if somepony loves somepony else, they should say so and give in.' She had done neither. It was almost as if she had let somepony else win. That wasn't right! That wasn't Rainbow Dash!
Cupcakes or not, Dash had come too far to quit. With a renewed vigor, she revved up her wings and flew out the closed window to claim her victory!
"Why can't anypony use the door like normal ponies," Twilight said with her face hooves.
Author's Note
Just gonna make the point now: Destroyman is one of the biggest assholes in video games. Right up there with Handsome Jack. I took pleasure in defeating Destroyman! Anyhoo, There was a guy in the comments for the last chapter who wondered where the harem ending was, and I said that this wasn't that kind of story, but I guess joke's on me. Does it count if there are only two women after the same guy? Like Archie with Betty and Veronica. Usually these harem things involve four or five women, right? Whatever. This is another one of those chapters that I think may have been bad, mostly due to the fact that I wrote it well past my bedtime (it's 1:15 AM as I type this). The idea for this chapter came mostly from the fact that on the show, Spike's pretty much just extra baggage. I kind of thought the poor kid needed a boost. It's tough being the little guy in a room full of giants after all.
No More Heroes: Friendship is Fucked!!
Chapter 6: Coming to Terms
Chapter 6
Coming to Terms
Rarity was making the finishing touches on a formal gown she had stayed up all night creating. She did so to keep the idea fresh in her mind as she worked, though she was nearly passing out as the hours wore on.
Another precise stitch there, aaaaaaaaaannnnnnd...done!
There it was: perfection had been achieved. The gown she had painstakingly crafted the night through was now finished. Though now that she looked at it, she realized it may not have been as good as she thought it may be. She wasn't worried though, everypony was sure to love it despite its perceived flaws. Rarity smiled as she left to her bedroom for some much deserved sleep.
A sudden crash on her front door, however, diverted her attention.
She walked to the door, which was still standing from the forceful blow. After all the times that Twilight's door had been broken down, she thought it a necessary precaution to reinforce her own.
Upon opening the door, Rainbow Dash fell inwards right onto her face.
"Rainbow Dash, darling, so good to see you. But what are you doing up so late," she asked in a daze, clearly not aware of the time.
Dash shook the wooziness from her head and shot to her hooves.
"No time for small talk, Rares! Time's a-wastin' and I need a makeover, fast," she declared as she stepped into the fitting area.
"Yes, yes. Welcome to Carousel Boutique. Where everything is chic, unique and...oh, you know the rest," Rarity said dreamily as she walked right past Dash and into one of her mirrors, "Oh my...terribly sorry madam," she said to her own reflection before grabbing her measuring tape for Dash.
"You feeling okay," Dash asked, noticing Rarity's unsure steps, as opposed to her usual refined sachet.
Rarity tried smiling, but it only came off looking like a tired smirk.
"Of course I'm alright. I'll admit I stayed up a little bit past my bedtime, but we shouldn't have any problems. Let's see, collar size: six inches," she said as she tightly wound the measuring tape around Dash's neck, whose face was turning a much deeper shade of blue by the second. "Wait...no, that's not right. That's Opal's collar size," she loosened her stranglehold on Dash, who gasped and heaved for some much needed air, "Much better."
Things weren't much easier for Dash after being measured, since it was followed by a nerve-wracking experience where Rarity cut the material as it was draped over Dash, and then stitched it up when she was finished. Precision is key, after all.
Finally, after the dangers of being fitted for an outfit came the makeup. Dash asked Rarity for the works, but not the eyeliner, stating that she liked her eyes where they were. After almost an hour passed, when the last eyelash had been precisely primped and the last of the hoof polish dried, Rarity was finished.
Dash admired her new look in the mirrors, turning to observe herself from all angles. She had to hoof it to Rarity: even when she was less than half awake, she made one heck of an outfit.
"So, what do we think," Rarity asked as Dash took one last look at a flank shot.
This was sure to be able to compete against Pinkie's frame-hugging uniform. Not only was it going to seriously turn some heads, she knew it was guaranteed to score some serious points with Travis.
"I say: let the games begin," Dash said, admiring how the outfit accentuated her figure. Now came the hard part: paying the bill for this order. "I'm guessing this is going for the usual?"
"Of course," Rarity said with a yawn, "Normally, something like this would be sold for four hundred bits. But for you, darling: four...hundred...bits..."
thump .
Rarity passed out snoring on the floor, leaving Dash to just leave without paying, expecting to get the bill later.
Over in the marketplace, Pinkie and Travis had just bought a package of chocolate squares to make their own homemade chocolate syrup.
"I don't believe this! It's a fucking revelation," Travis said as they made their way to their next stop.
"Well, you'd better believe it! It's the only way that you can get it right," Pinkie answered.
"It's blowing my mind! I never thought it could be done that way!"
"It can be done anyway, anytime. And it's always best in the comfort of home, with somepony you love. Of course, there's always the element of danger when your doing it in public! Just imagine what ponies would think if they saw you doing it behind a hotel curtain. Or in a public bath!"
Some of the ponies nearby entered a mild state of shock and stopped what they were doing to listen to the young couple carry their conversation, while other concerned parents covered their foals' ears.
"That does sound like fun. We should try it sometime."
"Right-o! If we ever feel that brave or stupid, we should make our own homemade chocolate syrup in public!"
And after a collective sigh of relief, everypony went about their business as usual.
"I'm still trying to wrap my head around that: you can make your own chocolate syrup?! I always thought that it came in the bottle, and that was it."
Pinkie smiled as she put her hooves through Travis's mane, "Oh, Travis: you're so sweet and innocent. Just leave it to Pinkie, and I'll show you a side of things you never could have imagined."
Sweet? Innocent? These were words that described anyone but Travis. After his time with the UAA, he barely felt he had any humanity left, so hearing these words from someone like Pinkie was exactly what he needed to lift that weight from his mind. Not all of it could go, since the UAA was always going to be a part of him, but now it didn't matter to him as much. There was something about Pinkie that made everything seem slightly less terrible.
With a smile, Travis moved in to kiss Pinkie for what must have been the fiftieth time that day.
That magic moment was interrupted by a rainbow-colored streak that bolted between them.
Now that Dash had their attention, she made her way high into the sky to begin her work.
She started by darting around and around a cloud, morphing it to a shape of her liking. In a matter of seconds, the large cloud had been changed to a full bodied replica of herself, in intricate detail no less.
Another group of clouds were merged together by her super speed flight into one large mass. She then proceeded to fly around the cloud at an impressive speed until it condensed smaller and smaller into a liquid state.
Once the cloud had become a single, gigantic raindrop, she began to splash her way through it before it even had a chance to fall, thus streaking a trail of water behind her that she arced across the top of her impressive likeness.
The rest of the water was kicked and splashed into a fine mist that was shaped into stars of various sizes that, with the sun in the position it was in, created an array of rainbows across the sky as a finishing touch to her masterpiece.
All of Ponyville applauded the spectacle, but there was only one pony whose adulation really mattered.
Dash floated down from the the sky and landed in front of Travis, posing as she did. "Pretty sweet, huh," she said with a smile.
The look on Travis's face let her know that he thought it was very, very sweet.
The outfit Rarity made for her seemed to be working. It was a black jacket with metal studs on the shoulders, with a striped bikini top underneath. The rest of her upper body was bare, but her lower body was covered by a pair of red trousers, which Dash took the liberty of adding some strategic tears for added style. Her mane had been styled differently, in a way that reminded Travis of one of the characters from the anime he watched back home.
Most striking of all was how heavily made up her face was. This was one of the most un-Rainbow Dash things imaginable, and maybe it was because of this that Travis couldn't take his eyes off of her.
Dash smiled, as she knew she was winning him over. But she couldn't celebrate yet since Pinkie zipped over to her side.
"This is great, Dashie! Now we can match! We could be a couple of super-sexy soul sisters of the femme fatale battalion who wreak their havoc on bad guys and other meanies, but take time out to keep the stallions happy," Pinkie said gleefully as she hugged Dash from behind, her pose and idea clearly taking inspiration from the movies Travis told her about that he used to watch.
Speaking of Travis, his weapons on his belt activated once more as he watched Pinkie reacharound Dash.
Pinkie rectified this with another swat on his belt.
"Honestly, Travis! In public? There are foals here," she admonished him.
"Sorry...They've got minds of their own, you know," Travis apologized as he walked away with Pinkie, leaving Dash behind.
Dash didn't believe what happened. She had given it her best shot, and Travis passed her up. This would never do for her, so she decided to step up her game from that point on.
"Rainbow Dash," asked Fluttershy's quiet voice from Dash's side, "Why are you dressed like...that?"
Dash didn't answer in any discernible way. All she did was look her friend up and down from head to hoof, making the yellow pegasus slightly more confused.
"I-is there something on my face?"
She became more anxious when she saw Dash's sly smile.
"Flutters: how'd you like to be a star?"
Pinkie and Travis merrily continued their shopping, which to Travis took much longer than it should have. This was because every time they found something they needed, Pinkie carefully inspected and appraised everything, looking for that perfect sundae ingredient among a bunch of lesser candidates. Of course this allowed for the two to spend some quality time learning the more personal details about one another.
For instance, Travis learned that Pinkie grew up on a farm that specialized in growing rocks with her family. He also learned how lonely she always felt growing up away from other ponies, and not being able to have any fun at all. To her, it was always like a major part of her was missing, though she was never able find out since she knew nothing but farming. She always felt so sad and grim until she was inspired one day to throw a party for her family. That was the defining moment of her life that led her to be what she was today.
Pinkie learned about Travis's upbringing as well. A perfectly average childhood as an only child with parents who loved him, even though his dad was drunk most of the time, and his mom forgot everything about his personality or likes and dislikes as soon as she learned them. But they were a happy family.
It was Travis's peers that treated him like an outcast. When they weren't shunning him, they mocked him for not being a part of their crappy trends. Travis related that this may have nurtured the part of himself that he kept repressed from sight until he became an assassin for a living, as well as his desire to look after other outcasts in his life. Bishop, for example, along with others he met throughout his life. Despite these details, he left out the part about his first girlfriend, not wanting to scare Pinkie off.
The two shared a sympathetic stare, both of them feeling bad for each other's upbringing before they lovingly embraced.
"Nopony deserves to grow up that way," Pinkie whispered to Travis as she felt his hoof rub her back. "You're going to get a party every day from now on."
Travis smiled at the sentiment, "You don't have to do that for me. I've pretty much gotten over it. Besides, it's not like you had it any easier than I did."
Travis realized how gruesome his story was compared to her's when he felt Pinkie hold him tighter. He decided he should comfort her, and this time not mess it up.
"I wish I was more like you, Pinkie. You ended up so great, making as many people as you can feel the same joy that you do. And me? Well, you know."
"No," Pinkie said in his ear, "You're a pony who wanted to help others any way he could. And you did it with your special talent."
Travis felt his heart sink when she said that, but he tried to remain upbeat, "Well, it doesn't do me a lot of good here. Everyone's encouraged to get along, there's almost no serious crimes, and almost everything can be fixed by relying on your friends." Equestria was pretty awesome now that he thought about it. "I guess I'll have to find a new talent, but I don't know if I can change like that."
Pinkie took her head off her coltfriend's shoulder and looked him in his eyes, "Travis, it's never too late to change."
Travis moved in to kiss her once more, but a sudden blast of sound jerked their attention.
Just what the hell was making that noise?
Looking down the road, they saw Vinyl Scratch's stage set up in the fountain square. She wasn't playing her usual dubstep or big room dance music. It sounded more familiar to Travis. It sounded like the punk bands he listened to back home, but with an electronic twist on it.
Pinkie decided that it might be fun to check it out for a little bit before they got back to their shopping.
When they approached, they saw the show play out before them. First, the lights all converged to a single point on the stage, and a pegasus silhouette appeared within the globe of light that was created. With a burst of pyro fountains and a strike of technicolor lightning, Rainbow Dash appeared onstage, provocatively dancing for the audience. Her tight, gyrating dance moves flowed seamlessly into one another, and captured the audience in a trance of awe and wonder. It even sent many of the teenage colts in the crowd rushing into hidden spots where they could express their appreciation for the show in a more private way.
Once again, Dash could see that Travis's undivided attention was held. Now it was time for the coup de grace. With a raised hoof, she signaled the arrival of crystal ball that levitated from the catwalk onto the stage. The ball had what looked like three small butterflies fluttering around inside of it. Dash began to roll the ball back and forth across her hooves, and then up her foreleg, behind her head and then down her opposite foreleg. She then began her dance once more, now with the ball rolling around her body in tandem with her moves. Then she took the ball between her hooves and smashed it on the ground in a burst of smoke.
The smoke cleared, and Fluttershy appeared in its midst quietly coughing. Then she became aware of where she was and looked nervously at the crowd. That wasn't nearly as uncomfortable as when Dash started dancing around her and touched her in ways that they hadn't done since they went to camp back when they were fillies. Fluttershy almost completely withdrew from the sheer awkwardness and anxiety she felt, especially when Dash grabbed her and began dancing with her in front of everypony. She would have passed out, if not for the sudden splash of water that came raining down on them, which soaked their entire bodies, and received a series of loud cat calls from many of the stallions in the audience.
"You did good, Flutters. You really scored one for the team," Dash congratulated her friend. She looked out into the crowd to welcome Travis into her hooves as he left Pinkie for a mare with some serious flavor like herself. She received a second cold splash when she saw that Travis had already left with Pinkie. "What," she yelled as she dropped Fluttershy to the ground and flew to the back of the crowd to watch them go, "What the hay is wrong with that guy!? I strut my best stuff, and he wanders off with his complete opposite! It's nuts! I shouldn't even bother with a stallion that stupid!" Of course she didn't actually mean that. That would mean that she had lost, and she wasn't about to forfeit this battle.
"You know, I heard that most stallions prefer a mare with substance over style," Fluttershy offered her advice as she walked to Dash's side. "Maybe he sees something in her that doesn't show as much in you?" This only pressed Dash's buttons further, prompting her to hover irritated in Fluttershy's face.
"Everything I have is better than her's! I even make ponies smile more than she does, and that's what she's best at," Dash snapped.
"I don't think you've ever tried to make ponies smile," Fluttershy meekly rebutted. This did nothing to cool Dash's fire.
"He wants a mare with substance? I'll give him substance! I'll give him substance to kingdom come," Dash declared as she flew high into the sky and far over the horizon, leaving Fluttershy to worry about her friend's state of mind.
In a far away land, a notorious band of thugs known as The Galloping Hordes held the populace in a grip of terror. They struck whenever the peaceful ponies began to feel secure with their way of life, swooping like a mass of demons and taking everything from the most valuable antique to the tiniest bric-a-brac. Anypony who was brave enough to stand against them wound up becoming gravely wounded, breaking the courage of others. That is, except for a certain rainbow-maned pegasus.
When Rainbow Dash challenged all one hundred of them at once, they thought it was some kind of joke. It started when a single thug approached her, and was quickly K.O'ed with a masterful combo of punches, kicks, and a topped off by a debilitating suplex. One by one, each member of the band of thieves fell to Dash's fury. In only a matter of minutes, the entire Galloping Hordes had been defeated and sent to prison. Dash was heralded as a hero in their land, and word soon spread via the press. Newspapers headlined her brave deed across all of Equestria.
At a news stand on a certain street in Ponyville, a vendor put out a fresh stack of newspapers and wondered how the hay a completely new headline could be printed, published and marketed in a single day instead of arriving in tomorrow's paper. He decided not to pay any mind to it and just did his job selling papers to his customers. The customers in question being a pink, earth pony mare with a poofy, white mane and her oddly dressed unicorn coltfriend.
"Isn't this great? Dashie's a hero now! It's so cool being her friend! And when ponies ask what's so great about her, we can kick their flanks and say, 'Hey, our friend's a hero! And if you ever need saving, don't count on any of us to help you!' And then we'd walk away, but not really mean what we say, because come on, what kind of ponies would we be if we didn't help out others who need it," Pinkie rambled. When she put the paper down, she saw Rainbow Dash standing there in the same pose as her picture on the front page.
"Don't worry about it Pinkie. When you've got this much cool, ponies are bound to hate on you for it," Dash said confidently. She began to slowly walk to Travis, "Besides, I only did it because it was the right thing to do. I knew that those ponies needed a strong, brave, cunning, bucking awesome mare to look after them. Because if I didn't put those guys in their place, who would? Only a mare of serious substance would have been able to handle it. Don't you think so? Travis?"
"Yeah. What you did was pretty fucking sweet," Travis said to Dash. That brought a smile to Dash's face, as she knew she was now winning him over for sure. And it wasn't like that last times when she was sure she was winning him over. This time it was the real deal, "You're gonna make some dude real happy one day, Dash."
"Ho-lee horse apples," Dash thought, "Did he just reject me?"
Pinkie took Travis's hoof. "Come on, we only have one more stop to make! Then we can go to your place for the sundae buffet," she said giddily, growing more and more excited with every word she spoke.
"Okie-dokie-lokie," Travis answered. This further irritated Dash, now knowing that Travis was picking up on Pinkie's behavior. It only meant that she was losing. Travis used his magic to give the newspaper he and Pinkie had to her, "Here, show that around town to some people here. You might find a guy that'll ask you out."
"You won't have any trouble," Pinkie added, "That headline and that outfit are a winning combination that can't be beat." And she and Travis both hopped away with their groceries.
Though it was very quiet, a storm was brewing inside of Rainbow Dash. It was this storm that made her bite the newspaper she held and furiously tear into it like a timber wolf over a fresh kill. She relented her rabid attack, breathing heavily as she stared blankly ahead, her eyes bloodshot and wide. There was a way to win this! There had to be! She realized that the only way to settle this was the old fashioned way: a direct competition with Pinkie Pie to see who was the better marefriend. She was about to fly over and challenge Pinkie face to face when she felt somepony grab her tail.
"Hold it right there," came Applejack's voice from behind her. Dash struggled hard against the farmpony's grip, flapping her wings as fast as she could.
"Stay out of this, AJ! This is between me and the pink death over there," Dash nearly growled at her friend. A sudden jerk from Applejack, and she was on her flank on the ground. Turning to face Applejack, Dash saw that she was also accompanied by Fluttershy, who was doing her best not to look Dash in the eye.
"You listenin' to yerself? Yer actin' like a dang fool," Applejack admonished Dash, "I been watchin' you all day wonderin' what you were up to! It was only thanks to Fluttershy that I learned what these shenanigans were all about!" At the mentioning of her name, Fluttershy 'eeped' quietly and turned away.
"Maybe you don't really know what this is all about," Dash tried to reason, but it didn't reach Applejack.
"I know exactly what this is about! It's about yer selfish wants an' not even considerin' how others might feel about it. Look at those two over there," Applejack said as she pointed a hoof down the street. What Dash saw was Travis and Pinkie both bouncing merrily with their baskets full of sundae ingredients. "Tell me watcha see, Dash. Look at 'em real careful and tell me what makes that special."
Dash was never much of a romantic, but his was definitely different for her. In all her life, she never felt this way about any stallion, so she was able to let the words come forth to her, "...They're two ponies who are at their happiest when they're with each other. They love each other more than anypony or anything..."
"That's right," Applejack nodded, "Now ask yerself this: Are you really gonna take that away from 'em? Would ya really ruin that kind of happiness that two ponies share, let alone two o' yer friends?"
Dash continued to watch them make their way across her line of vision. With them went everything that she wanted for herself: the happiness, the intimacy, the sheer joy of simply seeing each other. It was something that she nearly held in her hooves and cherished it as she did, but there it went bouncing down the road with its pink parcel. She swallowed hard, and even though it went against every fiber of her being, she conceded to what was already perfectly apparent. She had been beaten. And it only hurt worse since it was her own friend, instead of some powerful face of evil like what she had triumphed over before.
"I guess I can be happy for them," Dash managed to choke out.
"That's mighty big of ya, sugarcube," Applejack said as she released Dash's tail and patted her shoulder. She could see that her comfort did nothing to alleviate the weight Dash felt on her mind. Though it hurt her to do so, she felt that it would be best to leave Dash alone. "It's been a long day for everypony. Why don't y'all call it in an' head home," she said before she left to close down her apple stand.
Meanwhile, Fluttershy remained by Dash's side to offer her own comforts. After that experience on the stage, she was beginning to feel a little more bold. Slowly, nervously, eagerly, she slid her hoof over to Dash's own as she blushed profusely under her mane. "Um, Rainbow Dash," she began with her usual timidness, "I was wondering that if..." She hesitated before speaking her next words, "Since things didn't work out with Travis," her hoof slid on top of Dash's, "Maybe we could..."
"I made myself clear back at camp," Dash said tersely, prompting Fluttershy to quickly retract her hoof.
"I'm sorry. I thought maybe...I don't know," she said as she took a step back. She wanted to help, but there was nothing she could do when Dash was like this. The only option that she had was to allow her friend to work this out on her own. "I'm sorry," she repeated as she gently flew away toward her home.
Dash was left alone, motionless among the crowd of ponies who were all making their ways home from work at the end of the day. She wiped all of the makeup from her face onto her sleeve, and proceeded to take the entire outfit off piece by piece. She hoofed it over to a passing mare, "Here. Take it," she said simply as the mare gratefully took it from her, remarking how her husband would love to see her in it. After sitting for a few more seconds, though they seemed like hours to Dash, she flapped her wings and made her own weary way home.
Back down on the streets, Travis and Pinkie purchased their final ingredients: licorice and raisins, both of which made Travis's gorge rise. Pinkie playfully chastised him as a stranger rapidly approached them from behind.
Author's Note
Oy, this was an uncomfortable chapter to write. It just felt so wrong to me writing all the sexy stuff the ponies do, but a lot of this was inspired by the fan art that I've seen some bronies make, and it needed to be enticing for Travis. My brother happens to be a fan of this particular art (double oy). Oh well, I know a crackerjack therapist who can help me repress this. On to business, the next chapter is going to be an assassin chapter, and it will contain an important plot detail or two. The chapter after it may or may not be an assassin chapter, I don't know yet. I'll just have to see how the chapters turn out. Rock on \m/
No More Heroes: Friendship is Fucked!!
Chapter 7: Griffin of Honor Gina Talon
Chapter 7
Griffin of Honor Gina Talon
"Hey!"
Travis and Pinkie turned to face the source of the unknown voice. What they saw was a creature that looked like a mix of a lion and some kind of bird. A griffin, Travis guessed.
She was astoundingly large, about the same height and bulk as Big Macintosh. Her clothes consisted of a white t-shirt and a leather jacket. The jacket had one of its sleeves torn off, leaving one of her front legs bare. Her one bare shoulder was covered by a single pauldron made of chain mail. On her clawed front feet, she wore a pair of black gloves with chain mail covering the tops. Her lower body was covered by black leather pants which had chains pinned to the legs so that they snaked up her ankle to her hips. On her back, she carried a claymore.
"I'm looking for Travis Touchdown. You know him?"
Travis knew exactly who she was when he saw her. The stand-out attire and impressive weapon were all he needed to see to know why she was talking to him. But he wasn't about to leave his girlfriend to go kill this asshole.
He gave his answer, "Nope," then turned his back to her and returned to going home with Pinkie.
His answer got a complacent smile from the griffin.
"So there's no Travis Touchdown around here? Cool. I'll just go kill the Bearer of Honesty," she said provocatively.
"The hell you will," Travis snapped at the griffin as he turned to face her.
That was the desired reaction for the stranger.
"That's better. Listen up: I know it's you who's been killing the other assassins. I figure by now you feel like a fucking badass, like you're fucking invincible. Here's the truth of it though: you were never meant to win this. It was all set up so that you'd be six feet deep, along with all these harmony whores," she explained, indicating Pinkie as she made the last statement.
Travis wanted to kill her right then and there. The only thing that stopped him was knowing that she'd be expecting that as an assassin. That, and what she said resonated with him.
"That doesn't make any sense. Is this how I sound to other ponies?" Pinkie asked.
"What do you know about all of this," Travis asked her as he stood protectively in front of Pinkie, knowing full well the danger she was in right now. Even though the griffin's target was Applejack, he knew that the assassins weren't picky about who they killed.
When he asked his question, the griffin smiled once more, as if Travis just asked the question that she was waiting for.
"Tell you what, Touchdown," she said, "You've done this bullshit before, so why change anything. If you can beat me, I'll tell you everything I know about this. Trust me: you'll want to know."
This made Travis suspicious. He knew he couldn't trust the word of an assassin, so she had to have some ulterior motive to this deal, "What happened to honor among killers? That's just giving away your allies if you lose. Why would you do something that incredibly stupid?"
The griffin responded with a shrug.
"Shit, I don't know. Why does an old guy admit to cheating on his wife for fifty years on his deathbed? It's because when death comes, nothing else actually matters. You die, and nothing can get you. It's the safest bet for when you have something to say," she said, confusing Travis and Pinkie. "A few miles from here, there's a landmark called Tabletop Mesa. Be there, or I'll kill every pony in this town, starting with your marefriend there," she finished threateningly.
Travis narrowed his eyes contemptuously to the griffin.
"You wouldn't," he said as he tried to stare down this assassin, hoping to call a bluff.
"I'm a hen of my word, Touchdown. And I promise you that I'll make it hurt," she responded, dead serious.
"He'll be there alright," Applejack said as she stepped in next to Travis, "An' count me in too."
Her assertion shocked her two friends into a wide-eyed stupor.
"Applejack, are you insane!? You've seen what these assassins do! Rarity was just lucky to get away from her's," Pinkie desperately tried to reason with her friend. The response was Applejack's hoof in her face.
"Can it, Pinkie! This horseplay's gone on too long fer my likin'," the farmpony rebutted, before turning her attention back to the griffin, "I'll take you on. An' all the other assassin's if I have to! I'm sick an' tired o' seein' folks die around here, so I'm gonna have my hoof in makin' sure y'all are eatin' dirt!"
"If you really want to come, I'm not gonna stop you," Travis told Applejack. He knew for a fact that she would not put herself in such grave danger without any sensible cause. Not that he could stop her if he wanted too.
Pinkie came to realize the same thing, and quit protesting her friend's decision.
The assassin herself seemed delighted with Applejack's decision to accompany Travis.
"Aw, this is too fuckin' good," she said as her grin became a full blown smile, "I love a misplaced sense of honor."
Applejack prided herself on her honor, so this statement did not sit well with her. Before she could say anything, the assassin took to the air.
"I'll see you at sundown." And she flew to their battleground.
The three ponies watched the assassin fly out of sight, but they couldn't linger. The sun was just about to disappear behind the horizon, and they had to prepare for their fight.
"I gotta go get some things from home. Meet me there when yer ready," Applejack said with a determination that spread to Travis.
"Count on it. While you're gearing up: don't forget the ranch dressing. We'll make hot wings out of this bird," he said without regard to the ponies' vegetarian nature.
Applejack ran off to get her supplies, leaving Travis with Pinkie. It tore Travis apart that he had to leave Pinkie for work, but when Applejack was at stake, let alone all of Ponyville, he knew he was needed in action.
He turned to Pinkie, hoping she would understand this scenario. "Pinkie--"
His words were cut off by a surprise kiss. Breaking from the kiss, Pinkie smiled as she looked Travis in the eye.
"Just be back in time for the sundaes," she said sweetly.
The time had come.
Travis alerted Rainbow Dash, and the three made their way to the mesa as fast as they could.
Applejack took the old fashioned approach and simply galloped there as quickly as her hooves could carry her.
Meanwhile, up in the air, Dash held Travis in her hooves as they flew to their destination. She flew slower than she normally did, both because she had to accommodate for Applejack's slower speed, and because she didn't want to let go of Travis when she was able to hold him so closely to herself.
The mesa came into view, and they all readied themselves for what was coming.
Applejack deftly made her way up the sheer side of the monumental landmark as Dash dropped Travis to his hooves and then landed beside him.
Applejack was the last to arrive, and when her hooves found the edge of the mesa, she launched herself high over the edge and landed between the other two. What she had gotten from her home was a length of rope, a pair of saddlebags and gloves for each one of her hooves.
The griffin was nowhere to be seen, and only the view of the vast expanse of the mesa, with the setting sun visible in the background.
The sun was just about to go behind the horizon, creating a glare that seemed as if it were saying its final goodbyes for the day.
This warm farewell was interrupted as something else could be seen in the sun's final rays.
Deep within that glare of sunlight, something could be seen moving rapidly towards the three ponies.
As it came closer, a second glare appeared from the object, as well as the sound of metal scraping metal.
From the sun's last shining came the assassin, Gina Talon, her sword drawn and ready to cut off three heads in a single swing.
The three ponies barely managed to avoid the swooping attack of the griffin before she hovered in the air, silently beckoning her opponents to come and get her.
It was Rainbow Dash who took the initiative to attack first.
She charged the griffin at full speed, hoping to overwhelm her with a blur of attacks, but Gina proved to be a more difficult opponent than she anticipated.
Just as Dash made the first swing with her Nimbus, Gina successfully parried the attack and pushed her with a force that sent her back down to the ground.
Dash shook the dust from her body and made another attempt at her blitzkrieg.
Applejack had other plans, however.
Before Dash even reached Gina, Applejack jumped high onto her pegasus friend's back, where she jumped further into the air as she readied her rope for action.
Gina took her swing with her claymore, but Applejack easily dodged it by twisting her body to the side and delivered a powerful kick to the griffin. After the kick, she threw her rope, already tied into a lasso, around her assassin's sword arm.
This did no good, for with a quick swing of the mighty blade, the rope was cut before it went taut.
It was only because of Rainbow Dash that the assassin was brought to the ground. She had sneaked behind Gina while Applejack diverted her attention and tackled her to the ground just as she was shaking the loose rope from her arm.
Once on the ground, Travis began his attack on her after Dash backed off.
He started with a combination of the Tsubaki and Rose Nasty, feverishly assaulting her with the three blades.
Gina was skilled enough to block all three at once, and it looked like she was starting to give.
When Travis was sure he'd land a hit, Gina shouted and delivered a jab to Travis's face.
Once he was stunned, she swung her sword with the intent to decapitate him.
Travis's unsuccessful attempt to dodge ended up with him getting his shoulder cut deep.
The pain of the cut stung him, though he didn't recoil from the blow, tempering his focus to not repeat just happened when he was punched.
As he and Gina parried each other's blows, a new hazard arrived for the griffin. It came in the form of a horseshoe that nearly hit her squarely in her face.
Applejack had opened her saddlebags and inside were more horseshoes than a pony could shake a hoof at.
The farmpony continued to bombard her assassin with these projectiles every time that Travis was clear of her.
Neither of their attacks hit their mark, though Dash took it upon herself to catch all of the horseshoes that flew wild of their target and toss them back to Applejack.
Applejack needed a new plan. Luckily, she had two lengths of rope at her disposal, one of them kindly provided by the very creature who was supposed to kill her.
Moving quickly, she tied a horseshoe to the ends of the shorter rope that Gina cut, and one to the end of the rope on her side.
Clenching the longer rope in her teeth, Applejack swung it at Gina and managed to wrap it around her, clinching the griffin's sword arm to her body. With a strong pull, Gina was pulled through the air towards Applejack.
The look on Gina's face let Applejack know that this was exactly what the griffin wanted.
Realizing that it was a mistake to bring the assassin to herself when her friends were as far away as they were, Applejack raised her hooves to block any attacks that came her way.
This did not work, as she felt the griffin's claws rake across her face.
With a fluid toss, Gina caught her sword in her free hand and swung at Applejack.
Rainbow Dash would not stand for even seeing her friends in such danger.
Furiously flapping her wings, she cleared the distance between herself and the assassin before anypony could blink, and parried the attack for her friend.
This ended with Dash on the ground, holding the Nimbus between herself and Gina's claymore, struggling to keep the enormous sword at bay.
Applejack tried to save her, but was stopped by Gina grabbing her neck and squeezing hard.
This only left Travis able to attack her.
He started by swinging the Peony at her exposed back, but it seemed he should have used a quicker weapon.
Gina blocked the giant blade with her own before she threw Applejack at Travis and took to the air once more to avoid Rainbow Dash's beam katana.
Travis sent all of his beam katanas into the air after her, each one swinging after the other.
As the swords did their mad dance against Gina's blade, Dash swooped in to add some attacks of her own.
Applejack focused her mind as she held a horseshoe in her teeth, waiting for the precise moment to make her move. Carefully she watched as Dash and Travis made their assault on the griffin, and then she saw it.
Gina was staving off all of Travis's swords with the length of her own blade, keeping them from coming down on her head.
With a yell, Applejack threw her projectile towards her target.
The horseshoe sailed through the air, and connected with Gina's abdomen, knocking the wind out of her and clouding her focus.
It was this that allowed Rainbow Dash to swoop in with a cut to her midsection and with a loop, she grabbed her opponent and spiraled downward for a powerful piledriver.
Then something happened that the pegasus did not anticipate.
She suddenly felt a sharp pain in each of her sides as the assassin dug her talons deep into her body. Then she felt Gina shift her body slightly so that she was the dominant one in this technique.
The reversal had been completed, and Dash's head hit the ground hard enough to take her out of the fight.
Gina raised her sword to put an end to the pegasus, but was interrupted by Travis's interjection.
Learning from last time, he attacked her with the Blood Berry, which she was barely able to block due to the blade's blinding speed.
Another swing, and the Blood Berry managed to hit her once. This one hit seemed to trigger something in the assassin.
She charged Travis, completely ignoring any attacks that hit her, even a heavy slam from the Peony.
As soon as she reached Travis, she let loose her fury and her blade tore into Travis over and over. With one final swing, she sent Travis flying away, leaving him motionless on the ground in a puddle of his own blood.
This left only Applejack in fighting condition.
Gina charged the farmpony, who threw her short length of rope at her like a two-pronged bolas.
The rope wrapped itself around the legs of the charging griffin, sending her sliding towards her target.
Gina tried to swing her sword at Applejack, who dodged it by jumping over her assailant.
In the air, Applejack brandished her weighted rope and upon landing began to masterfully swing it like she had been using weapons like this her whole life.
Blow after blow struck Gina, who soon shook her legs loose of the rope that bound her and started to dodge her opponent's blows.
Each time the weapon missed created a deep indent in the rocky ground, a testament to the power behind the swings of the wielder.
A swift cut from Gina's claymore, and the weapon was rendered useless.
With a dash, Gina closed the distance to Applejack and unleashed a powerful downward cut.
Applejack dodged the cut and only her saddlebags were cut loose from her body.
The farmpony retaliated with a jab to her assassin's sword arm, making her drop the giant blade. Afterward, she delivered a buck that she normally used on the sturdiest of trees back in the orchard, sending Gina sprawling to the ground.
Gina clambered to her feet and locked eyes with Applejack.
The farmpony tried to stare down her opponent, hoping that she would be intimidated into quitting. Then she could be sent away, and Applejack and her friends would never have to see her again.
She sent her sternest look to Gina, letting her know that she would never let up in this battle, and if anypony would end it, it would be her, on her terms where nopony died.
This didn't work on the griffin, however.
Gina just sent back her own stalwart stare.
This was that 'misplaced sense of honor' she mentioned earlier. She wasn't going to let up either, and she was letting Applejack know.
This fact itself almost broke Applejack as she realized why Travis had allowed her to come along. It was the only way that she would be able to understand the ways of an assassin, and how when they battle it was either victory or death.
Steeling herself from these horrible revelations, Applejack charged her much larger enemy.
At the same time, Gina sprang forward with her talons bared.
The battle had been reduced to an old-fashioned hoof-to-talon, the way Applejack preferred it. Little known to her, this was Gina's preferred battle method as well.
The two carried on their battle across the surface of the mesa, their blows tearing into one another, slowly wearing each other down.
With an ear-shattering screech, Gina unleashed a debilitating blow that finally staggered Applejack.
This was followed by several more attacks which one by one brought Applejack closer to defeat.
A final haymaker, and the farmpony was down.
With an exhausted huff, Gina left to go recover her weapon.
Applejack lay on the ground, and realized that she had been defeated.
Through her mind passed the horrors of what would come next. Without herself around, or Rainbow Dash, or Travis, who would stop the remaining assassins and keep their friends safe? Who would look after Equestria if danger came to pass? What would happen to the balance of harmony when the Element Bearers were all dead? And most of all: what was going to stop this griffin from keeping her promise to kill everypony in Ponyville once she was finished here? Applejack knew an idle threat when she heard it. It was just another way to lie. This griffin spoke nothing but the truth.
It chilled her as she realized how much she and the assassin had in common, almost like they should have been friends under different circumstances. Horrible visions ran through her mind of the ponies back home running futilely from the wrath of the assassin as they were cut down one after the other. Her mind went to home, where she could practically hear the screams of her family as they were cornered by the griffin, and then...
The sight of Gina standing over her interrupted her thoughts.
She saw the look the griffin was giving her, and it confirmed all of her worst fears.
Applejack would not have this. She promised herself that nopony was going to die on her watch, but she would have to make an exception for the assassin.
Swallowing hard as Gina raised her sword to deal the killing blow, Applejack mustered any stamina she had left and unleashed one more buck to Gina from her prone position.
This blow was hard enough to make Gina once again release her blade, this time getting caught in Applejack's ready mouth.
With a mighty swing, she delivered a cut to Gina's neck, though it was not enough to kill her. It only cut her neck, though was deep enough to make her stop fighting.
Gina's whole body went stiff as a board as she comprehended what just happened to her.
Applejack went equally rigid as she held the claymore in her teeth, eagerly awaiting to deliver the killing blow, though something within her mind stopped her.
That did not sit well with Gina, who goaded her on.
"You got me. So do it," Gina said plainly, no emotion to be heard in her voice, which was noticeably more ragged, likely due to the cut in her neck.
Applejack trembled as she held the sword to her assassin's throat, wanting to end this, but knowing she would never be able to live with herself if she did.
"There's no other way for this to end. You know damn well that one of us has to die. So, kill me already."
Applejack still hesitated, and the griffin grew impatient.
"DO IT YOU STUPID BITCH!!! FUCKING KILL ME!!!"
With a yell, Applejack raised the sword up to deliver the final blow, and dropped it clattering to the ground. Her breath shuddered as she looked into the stone face of her assassin.
"Shame," Gina said before she made a lighting quick motion to grab her sword and decapitate Applejack.
What happened though, was a very different outcome.
Before she could even bring her sword down, Travis intervened and swung the Blood Berry right through Gina's neck, severing her head from her body, though it remained steady atop her shoulders.
At the exact same time, Rainbow Dash, who had also recovered, took Applejack out of the danger zone and turned both of their backs to the scene, knowing from experience that it was much easier when somepony died if she didn't watch it.
Once they were safely away, Applejack let out a few more deep, shuddering breaths as she tried to collect her nerves. She and Dash then tightly embraced, taking solace in each other's presence.
Meanwhile, Travis approached Gina.
"Now you have to tell us everything, so start singing, bird," Travis said to the dying assassin.
Gina closed her eyes pensively, irritating Travis as his answers were delayed.
"You said you're a hen of your word!"
To the horror of the Element Bearers, the griffin, who should very well have been dead, began to speak, daring them both too look and see what was happening.
"Yeah...I really hate that sometimes...Ask away," Gina said with a ragged breath between each sentence.
Travis started with the obvious first question.
"Why are you assassin fucks after the Element Bearers?"
Gina coughed before her answer.
"You really are fuckin' clueless about this, aren't you...Can't see the bigger picture here..."
Her answer only irritated Travis further, to the point where he threateningly levitated all of his weapons to Gina's face.
"I don't give a shit about the bigger picture! Tell me what the fuck you're doing trying to kill my friends," Travis aggressively demanded.
Gina sighed, making a sputter of blood dribble out of her open neck wound.
"Impatient little bastard, aren't you...Must be a gamer...," Gina remarked before she finally divulged the information Travis desired, "It's not them who are the targets...It's you, Travis Touchdown..."
Though Travis's face remained aggressive and steadfast, she knew that something inside his head had broken the way he stayed silent.
Gina decided to answer the obvious next question, "It's nopony you know....Hell, I don't even know who wants you dead...Never saw his face...I just know that I hate the asshole..."
"If you hate him so much, why get involved," Travis asked.
"Didn't have a choice...He just indoctrinated me and all my friends...Said if we didn't do it, he'd make us kill each other...Sick fuck..."
Travis never would have expected that all of the assassins knew each other personally, let alone be friends. At least so far, it explained how Peaches knew his name, and how Glastits knew he was coming. Sure, Glastits said he read ahead in the story, but chances are that he was expecting him long before that.
"Why does he want me dead? And why is he targeting innocent people to get me," came Travis's next question.
"Got me..." Gina said with a shrug that nearly made her head wobble off her shoulders, "All he said was something about killing the No More Hero...Then he bitched about how you took away his shot at UAA glory..."
So, whoever wanted Travis dead knew about the UAA. That could only mean one thing.
"If they're back in Santa Destroy, why bother crossing worlds to lure me out," Travis said as this slowly started making less and less sense.
"Something about how Equestria is unrealistic...He sounded crazy to me...That, and he seriously needed to get laid..." was Gina's frank reply, "That's all I can tell you about this...I don't know anything else."
Applejack listened carefully to every word Gina said, trying to pick the truth from the lies in her confessions. But nothing but truth came from the griffin.
"There's one more thing you should know..." Gina continued, "I wasn't exaggerating when I said you weren't meant to win this...That psycho wants you dead...There's nothing for you in the end, but defeat..." she said trying to smile. Though it was very small, it sent a chill through the ponies.
Travis recovered from the momentary shock and bucked Gina hard into the air.
"Bullshit," he shouted as he sent her over the side of the mesa.
As Gina flew out of sight, her head and body separated midair, and each took a different action. Her middle claw stuck straight up, flipping off the ponies as the body fell, and the head's tongue waggled tauntingly out of its mouth.
The entirety of Gina's remains soon disappeared from sight, and all that remained to the survivors was her memory. One that they would rather soon forget. All that was left for Travis now was to check on the condition of his friends.
He saw Applejack trembling in Dash's hooves when he went to check on her.
"You alright," he asked quietly, getting a nod in response.
"I-I'm fine...Thanks fer askin'," Applejack said with a deep breath between her sentences. It wasn't the fact that a griffin had just died that got to her, so much as the fact that she was almost the one who killed her. "I couldn't do it, Travis. I tried, but..."
She stopped talking when she felt Travis's hoof on her shoulder.
"You did good, AJ. But from now on, leave the killing to me," he said reassuringly to his friend. He then turned his attention to the direction of Ponyville, "Come on, let's head home. I'm sure your family will be glad to see you safe and sound."
His words noticeably brightened Applejack's disposition. The thought of her family welcoming her back home always had that effect on her. With another silent nod, though this one was much more enthusiastic, they all made their way back to the safety of Ponyville.
The stars had just begun to come out when they returned to their town.
The first stop was Travis's house since it was nearest to where they entered from. His friends offered to stay with him for a little bit, but Travis declined the offer saying that Applejack should get home as quickly as possible.
As soon as Travis opened the front door, the lights in his living room turned on to reveal the rest of the Element Bearers in the room, along with Spike, Jeanne, and a long table filled with every flavor of ice cream imaginable, with all of the ingredients Travis and Pinkie had bought earlier that day.
The three ponies looked in awe at what lay before them.
"You didn't get back in time for dessert, Travis," Pinkie said with a little smile, "I figured that we'd skip that and invite our friends over for a super-dreamy ice-creamy sundae buffet party."
That's just what seemed like the next logical step to Pinkie.
The three fighters stepped into the room, and seemed to suck out all the merriment now that everypony could see their injuries.
Fluttershy was immediately on it with her first aid skills.
"Hey, don't let us ruin the good times. Let's have a buckin' party!" Dash said.
And the festivities commenced.
Due to the late hour, this party was much quieter than most of Pinkie's parties, though it was just as enjoyable.
Fluttershy had patched everypony up, and was finishing with Travis, who made her job difficult the way he insisted on making his sundae with Pinkie while she worked.
When Travis and Pinkie finished making their truly extravagant sundae, they both took the first bite at the same time.
It was heavenly to say the least. Travis closed his eyes, savoring the divine flavor of this frozen treat.
He swallowed and opened his eyes to see Pinkie staring worriedly at him. Before he could ask what was wrong, Pinkie threw her hooves around his neck and buried her face in his shoulder.
"I was so scared when you didn't come home," she quietly shuddered, "I thought that something happened. Something that wouldn't let me be able to share my sundaes with you."
Travis could hear Pinkie's voice choking as tears threatened to escape her.
"Pinkie, it's okay," Travis gently consoled her, "I promise that I'll always come back to share sundaes with you. Cross my heart."
"Hope to fly," Pinkie asked with her face still in her coltfriend's shoulder.
"Stick a cupcake in my eye," Travis finished the unbreakable promise. In that moment, he didn't have the heart to tell her that it was actually him who was being targeted by the assassins.
Pinkie lifted her head to kiss Travis, getting a quiet 'aw' from everypony in the room. All except for one pony.
Rainbow Dash only looked on with a small smile. She realized that as long as Travis had Pinkie, he didn't need her. He was happy with the way things were, and that was what mattered. There were other stallions out there other than him, but one thing was for sure: none of them could possibly be as great as he was.
Besides, who needed stallions when she had this masterfully crafted wonder of frozen delight in front of herself. She took a bite from her sundae, and nearly giggled with sheer glee. When she took her face away, Fluttershy began actually giggling.
"What's up, Flutters," Dash asked.
"Your face. It's all messy," Fluttershy answered.
What Dash didn't realize was that when she bit into her sundae, the toffee bits stuck to her cheeks, along with a few jelly beans, and the cherry she had put on it rested on the tip of her nose. Imagining how she must have looked, Dash began to giggle as well.
The sundaes had been eaten, and everypony had shuffled out of Travis's place to call it a night.
Travis himself crawled into his bed, and began to notice something moving under the sheets. Something that was much too large to be Jeanne.
Knowing exactly what it was, he pulled the covers back as the mass reached the pillow, and he found Pinkie Pie had crawled into bed with him.
"Decided to stay the night, huh," Travis asked as he put his hoof around her.
"Travis, I read the story again."
As soon as Pinkie said that, she felt Travis's body tense up a little bit.
"So, you know why the assassins are here?"
"Yes," Pinkie replied. She knew that reading the story was like a violation of privacy, but she had her reasons. "I'm sorry, but I wanted to know where you were that whole time. I was so scared that not even setting up your victory party made it better."
Travis could feel her shaking against his body, so kissed her forehead to stop her trembling.
"Don't worry, Pinkie. I'm okay. I'm not gonna get killed by some turkey with a sword," he consoled her.
"I know, but what if something did happen that even you or my friends couldn't handle? I don't want to lose you," Pinkie said as she pressed her body against Travis's.
This was the first time that Pinkie had doubted a Pinkie Promise. Despite Travis making the promise that he would always come back to her, she didn't know if it could be kept this time. "I want to protect you..."
Travis was slightly alarmed to hear this. She knew what kind of danger she was facing. It seemed insane, even for Pinkie. Of course, it was only natural to want to protect someone you love, but Travis couldn't allow it.
"Pinkie, listen," he began. When he saw her face, he saw that she would never be at ease if he declined her. He had no choice but to give in, "Just...please, only if I really need you. Don't do anything reckless."
"You mean like you," Pinkie asked with a hint of a smile.
That got a smile out of Travis as well. They shared a quick kiss before they laid down for the night. But Travis had one last request.
"And no more reading the story to find out what I'm up to. Okay?"
"'Kay," Pinkie said, before she and Travis both drifted off to sleep.
GINA TALON HONORED
Author's Note
For anyone who didn't notice: that outfit that the assassin in this chapter wears is almost the same one that The Kurgan wears in Highlander.
This assassin was almost a male minotaur named Toro de la Honoro (Bull of Honor, if my Spanish serves me right (probably not, but I like to think I haven't completely forgotten how to speak it)). Anyway, it was after me and my niece and nephew watched Griffin the Brush Off that my niece suggested the assassin be like Gilda. The Kurgan outfit was my idea. Also thrown into the mix was a bit of personality of Jan Valentine from Hellsing. Why that weird mix? Because The Kurgan and the Valentine brothers are fucking awesome villains.
That's all. Rock on \m/
No More Heroes: Friendship is Fucked!!
Chapter 8: Pounding Brews
Chapter 8
Pounding Brews
Though not much happened over the course of the next few weeks, Travis and Pinkie made tremendous steps in furthering their relationship.
Pinkie kept her promise to stop reading the story, and Travis kept his to allow Pinkie to look after him, starting by teaching her the bare basics of combat.
They spent their time together, building trust, showing affection in any little way that they could, and of course the weekly karaoke night was loads of fun.
But their favorite time together was when they were asked by Mr. and Mrs. Cake to look after their twins while they were out catering a wedding.
It was during this time that the two temporarily lost their minds in the sheer joys and gut-wrenching frustrations of looking after children, and started to fantasize about a family of their own. But it was agreed by them both that it was much too early to even be thinking about such a thing, and they went back to looking after the foals.
But that, dear friends, is not what this chapter is about.
The real point of this is to say that even though they two intimately enjoyed their time together, they both agreed that once in a while they needed a night with their friends.
Travis's preferred haunt was Stagger Jack's, the local cider bar, supplied personally by Sweet Apple Acres.
It was a small place where everypony knew each other's name, and were always glad that they came.
Here, Travis spent his time palling around with his group of barflies, Spike, Big Macintosh, and Mr. Waddle. These were the guys he got along with the best. Also present were locals such as Lyra Heartstrings, Bon Bon, resident intellectual Octavia, down on her luck drunk Berry Punch, and her best friend the local mail mare Cliff Clav-- Derpy Hooves.
The time had come at last when Travis stepped inside, with Spike riding in on his back. Despite being very young, everypony agreed that Spike was loads of fun to have around, especially after he got a few drinks in him.
Everypony greeted him at once, "SPIKE!"
The two took their usual spot at the bar, already occupied by Big Macintosh and Mr. Waddle, both of whom were expecting them at exactly that time, same as always.
Also the same as always, Jack, the barstallion, had a glass of cider waiting for Travis, and a glass of chocolate milk for Spike (extra chocolate, the way he liked it).
"How's the world been treatin' ya, fellas," Big Macintosh inquired after he finished his cider. He then signaled Jack to give him another refill.
Knowing Big Macintosh, he'd probably gone through at least three of those before Travis and Spike arrived. While other stallions would quit after three or so drinks, Big Macintosh had the amazing ability to endlessly quash down mug after mug, and never get the slightest bit tipsy.
"Fuckin' awesome, dude," Travis said enthusiastically, "I haven't had to kill anyone, work around town's been excellent, and things with Pinkie are on the up and up." Travis drank heavily from his mug before he spoke his next words. "Speaking of babes: things are still going good with you and Cheerilee, right."
Big Macintosh quashed down his cider before he answered.
"Gentleman never tells, pal," he said while he signaled Jack for another drink. One look at his friends, and he could see that they were all eagerly awaiting his answer to Travis's question. "Yes they are," he said concisely as his new drink was placed in front of him.
"Hey, kid," Jack addressed Spike, "Ya haven't touched ya drink yet. What's eatin' ya, son?"
Spike's adult friends all turned to look at him, and saw him idly swishing his drink in its glass.
"Nothing," Spike said with a small sigh. "It's just you guys are so great at getting girls."
Travis nervously rolled his eyes when he heard that.
"You'd think that some of it might've rubbed off onto me, but I'm still single."
"You've been at Rarity's again, right," Travis asked, already knowing the answer.
Before Spike could answer, Mr. Waddle offered his encouragement.
"Hey, don't worry, son. These things start to make more sense as you age. Trust me on that. Right now, things are clearer than they've ever been for me," this would have helped Spike if Mr. Waddle's next words weren't, "How'd I get here, again?"
"You were dropped through the ceiling by an overweight penguin," Travis said sarcastically.
Big Macintosh finished his drink and decided to set the old stallion straight.
"Ya walked here."
"Oh, great. Just confuse me, why don't you," Mr. Waddle said, as Big Macintosh started drinking his newly poured cider.
Jack was listening to the patrons speak, as he always did, but he only joined the conversations he found enthralling. To him, nothing was better than topics of love and romance. He decided he'd offer his own two cents.
"Rarity'd be a real catch kid. Dose flutterin' eyelashes, dat snowy white coat, sweetest flank I evah saw. She's da type-a mare ya wanna put up on a pedestal," Jack said, building up and demeaning Rarity in the same sentence. A trait that Octavia found astounding. But she brushed it off and went back to sipping her imported cider.
"You ever been in love, Jack," Spike wondered.
"Yeah. She was a real treshah dat one," Jack said with a sigh that almost sounded sad if not for the glimmer in his eye as he reminisced about his lost love, "But den she toyned out ta be fruit bat crazy."
That last part got a mass of agreements from the barflies. They had all dated somepony who they thought was a little nuts at one point. After all, what pony hadn't?
"I don't tink ya undastand. She was a paranoyd schizaphrenic who had delusions-a toynin inta a timba-wolf onna full moon."
Immediately, there came another bunch of murmurs, but this time they were all conceding defeat to Jack. He clearly had won the crazy lottery when it came to former relationships.
"I bet I could handle the little nutbar," Mr. Waddle said, "Course there aren't many mares that would want to go out with a stallion my age. Sucks for them, because I'm the biggest boudoir bad boy this side of their age appropriate coltfriend! Oy," he said heartily with a small thrust of his hips, making a small cracking sound when he did.
"You know, that's something I've been meaning to ask you," Travis began, "How old are you?"
His question had piqued the curiosity of the other barflies who began listening intently.
"Yeah, I keep hearing ponies around town giving different ages, but none of them sound too sure about it," Spike added. Mr. Waddle rubbed his chin as he thought about it for a bit.
"Eh...you know: at some point in my life, I actually forgot my age," he said with a smile, "That's kind of a pain since my age is the same as my PIN number."
"That's four digits!" Big Macintosh said, his voice almost sounding like it had lost its calm.
"That's right boy! Four digits spells l-o-v-e! Ha ha! But speaking of age appropriate coltrfriends: anypony know if Granny Smith is still single?" The old stallion said with a smile and a twinkle in his eye that almost made him seem youthful again.
Meanwhile, on Travis's back, Spike's spirits had been lifted by the idle bantering of his friends and he finally finished his drink. He ordered another one, figuring that as long as he was feeling good, he may as well get enough drinks in him to keep it going.
That, and when he got that much sugar in his system, he could dance for the barflies and not feel stupid about it, and that was always fun.
The hour had grown late, and Travis had to get Spike home, lest he face the wrath of Twilight once more.
The whole way to the library, Spike never stopped moving. The chocolate milk had gone to his head, and he was running circles around Travis, bouncing on his tail like a pogo stick, somersaulting ahead and rolling back, generally doing anything that Pinkie would do.
Spike was so busy running around that he didn't even notice the door to the Golden Oaks Library, even after he charged face first into it. He only realized where he was when the door fell off its hinges under the force of him running into it.
Travis quickly left the scene, knowing Twilight would be none too happy about her door being broken down, again.
After three unsuccessful attempts to return home, Travis finally found his front door, instead of one that belonged to an after hours anger management group, or a rabies ward.
He staggered into his bed, not even getting undressed for the night, and laid down with his face in his pillow, the cider in his brain letting him hold onto yesterday, and forget about tomorrow. But not so much that he didn't realize that he was slowly smothering himself.
Travis took his face out of his pillow and gasped for air. Afterwards, he rolled over onto his back and passed out into a dreamless sleep.
Author's Note
So, obviously I was watching Cheers lately. I actually finished up the whole series a month or so ago (took forever, I might add), and now I'm watching Frasier. After that it's either Friends or Seinfeld.
Anyway, this chapter was just a kind of fun, spur of the moment kind of thing. I just wondered what activities Travis would take up in Ponyville that didn't involve dating Pinkie and working. Personally, I thought this chapter was a bit boring to write. Oh well, I hope you guys at least enjoyed reading it. Maybe I'll go back and fix it at a later point.
And I don't know why I gave Jack that accent. I just thought of adding it at the very last second before I wrote his dialogue. Plus, if anyone's wondering about him having a human name, so does Donut Joe. Believe me: I was just as shocked as all of you to see a pony named Joe instead of something like Bear Claw. Rock on. \m/
No More Heroes: Friendship is Fucked!!
Chapter 9
Terrible News
On the same night that Travis was having his guy time at the bar, Pinkie was out with her own group of friends, trying new activities that one of them picked.
Tonight was Twilight's turn, and she decided that the six of them should attend a pottery class that she'd heard about. That didn't exactly go over well with some of them, particularly Rarity, who had gotten her hooves done that very day.
It must have been a slow night at the pottery class, because when they arrived, they found that they were the only ones who attended. Nonetheless, the instructor was delighted to see anypony arrive at all.
She gave a brief oration about the beauty and art of crafting pottery before actually getting to the lesson itself.
It took the mares a few tries, but they soon got the hang of it, and were crafting their masterpieces. That is, if you could call them masterpieces.
"Look what I made, everypony," Pinkie gleefully declared as she held in her hooves what appeared to be just a small, circular construct that looked something like a wheel, though no spokes could be seen on it. "It's a picture frame! See?" She held the pottery in front of herself, letting her face show through the hollow in the middle. "Smiles!"
"It's wonderful Pinkie," Fluttershy said as she carefully worked on the smaller details of a ceramic flower garden she was crafting. She turned her attention to her fellow pegasus. "How's your project going, Rainbow Dash?"
"Rrrrgh--mgpf--son of a--" Was Dash's response to Fluttershy.
She had been working with a very unruly glob of clay that was giving her more trouble than the class was worth. In the beginning, she was apathetic to the idea when Twilight announced it, but now it was a messy pain in the flank. Clay speckled her her face, and stains were all over her chest and fore hooves. She had been furiously trying to mold it into a shape of her liking, but to no avail.
"One of us is going down, and it ain't gonna be me, sister!" Dash said to the mass of clay.
Right next to Dash, Rarity was having a much easier time. Despite her earlier protests to the class, she as having a wonderful time. As the minutes carried on, she was busily making various pieces of jewelry out of her portions of clay.
Every necklace, broach, bracelet, manepin, cufflink, amulet, ring and pendant turned out more marvelous than the last one, and Rarity decided to keep them so she could use their designs for her own work.
She looked to her side to see what Applejack was working on. What she saw was that Applejack had already created an entire stack of horseshoes.
"Pardon me, but don't you have enough of those at home," Rarity asked her friend.
"Sugarcube, trust me when I say that ya can never have enough horseshoes. Matter o' fact, a horseshoe can save yer life in a pinch when ya need it the most," she answered as she worked on another horseshoe. Only Dash could understand what she was talking about, regarding the usefulness of a horseshoe.
"You can throw them at bad guys in the air and bring them to the ground," came an abrupt reasoning from Pinkie.
Everypony rolled their eyes at the seemingly arbitrary statement.
All but Applejack, who still wondered how Pinkie did that, even after all this time of being her friend, and hearing every bizarre eccentricity that escaped from her mouth.
The whole time the friends were happily discussing their works, Twilight was busy working on a bust of Starswirl the Bearded, though not very enthusiastically. She had something important to say, and didn't know how to say it. Or even if she could convey it.
Twilight stared at Pinkie with a heavy weight on her mind, knowing it would hurt her if she told her what she had to say. Even though knew it had to be done, it was going to be so difficult when Pinkie looked so happy. When the truth was spoken, Pinkie was going to be devastated.
"They're all very nice, but why are you making so many picture frames," Fluttershy asked Pinkie as she molded the edges of the flower patch she had crafted.
The frames Pinkie had made were all shapes and sizes, some small and simplistic, some large and ornately decorated. But all of them were made with care.
"I'm using them to hold all the special moments we have together. These ones are for me and Travis," she said as she held two small, oval frames in her hooves, "We can keep them on our bedside tables, so that when we wake up, we'll be the first thing that we see, even if we aren't sharing the same bed!"
"Are you ever gonna stop braggin' 'bout havin' a new coltfriend," Applejack wondered.
The two had been dating for weeks, but Pinkie was still acting like they'd just met.
Twilight bit her lip as she psyched herself up to tell Pinkie what was on her mind.
"Um, Pinkie," she said quietly, almost as quietly as Fluttershy normally spoke. Naturally, this did no good for her.
"Darling, please. Don't you remember your first coltfriend," Rarity asked. "It's the most wonderful feeling in the world.
"Righty-o, Rarity," Pinkie agreed, "And I'm going to make it last for all time."
"Pinkie, please listen," Twilight tried again."
"Me and Travis are going to be together, forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever--"
It was becoming unbearable for Twilight. She decided it would be easier to spell it out plain and simple for Pinkie, without regard to her ramblings.
"Pinkie! Travis can't stay!"
The entire room went dead quiet after that. Everypony stared at Twilight in disbelief at her outburst.
Pinkie was shocked the most of all. In the instant after Twilight finished, her entire demeanor changed to a saddened surprise.
"What," she said, staring wide-eyed at Twilight.
Everypony else felt the sudden change in the room's atmosphere and took a step away from Twilight, eagerly awaiting her explanation.
Rarity gestured for Twilight to go on.
Twilight thought that she ought to explain how the machinations of summoning magic worked to Pinkie, but when she remembered all of the times that her friends stared blankly after doing so, or cut her off so she would give a shorter explanation, she decided to get right to the point.
"A summoning spell stops working after the summoned creature has done their job. Once it's done, they go back where they came from," she said, summarizing the workings of summoning spells. A longer explanation would have only hurt herself just as it did Pinkie. She decided she had better try to soften the blow with comfort, "But it's okay, Pinkie: you can still be happy with him as long as he's here."
That didn't help at all. The more she spoke, the more Pinkie's mane deflated.
"I could go with him, couldn't I," she asked hopefully.
Twilight mulled over the answer before she spoke.
"You could, but then you'd be leaving all of your friends in Equestria behind."
That sounded like a pragmatic answer to Twilight, but she only realized how terrible it really was when she heard Pinkie's pitiful whimper.
"You should...try to make your remaining time with him count. And be happy that you met him at all."
Pinkie didn't say anything, but Twilight knew exactly what she felt. Though she herself never experienced heartbreak, it was all there in Pinkie, and it was despairing the minds of her friends as well.
They went back to their individual projects, and not another word was spoken by anypony for the rest of the class.
The class ended, and Pinkie promised herself to have a talk with Travis about their limited time together. She knew that Travis didn't exactly have a strict schedule when it came to coming home for the night, so she could only hope that he'd be there.
When she arrived at his house, she entered his bedroom without knocking and checked his whereabouts.
First try, she found him in bed, on top of his covers, fast asleep, and not even undressed for the night.
Pinkie crawled into bed with him, as she had done a few times before, and gazed at his peacefully sleeping face.
As she looked on, she began to miss him, even though she was right next to him.
In her mind she replayed their entire time together, from when he first arrived in Equestria, to that very moment when she was lying beside him, feeling the warmth of his body against her's and listening to the gentle rhythm of his breathing.
It felt like only a short time ago that she had met him, and now she learned that in a matter of time, they'd lose each other forever.
Pinkie knew that Travis needed her, because without her, he'd go back to a life of quiet hurt and arbitrary slaughter. And in some ways, she needed him as well.
She gently stroked his mane, and then slowly traced her hoof down the side of his face as a single tear fell from her eye. After so little time, Pinkie wondered if her being with Travis at all was worthwhile.
She felt her spirits raise slightly when Travis's hoof unconsciously slid over her side and held her close to him. It was clear then that everything with Travis was worthwhile. From now on, it had to be.
Author's Note
Just as a reassurance to any of you who think I might be making shorter and shorter chapters, you have nothing to fear, the next chapter is going to be much longer than these last two I've written. I just kind of wrote these as a spur of the moment kind of thing. I might even just merge the two of them if I feel so inclined.
And no, the next chapter is not an assassin chapter, but it does involve some action, so I hope you have fun reading it as much as I have fun writing action scenes.
And as a note: I don't really know if that's how summoning magic works on the show, I haven't seen any episodes where summoning magic is focused on, but what the hell, that's what an Alternate Universe tag is for. It allows us to be creative and fill in the gaps on our own. Should any of you feel so inclined to write a fanfic, but don't know the ropes of the show, just tag it as Alternate Universe.
That's all. Rock on, everypeoples. \m/
No More Heroes: Friendship is Fucked!!
Chapter 10: Home Invaders
Chapter 10
Home Invaders
The hours passed, and though Pinkie Pie tried her best to sleep, she couldn't. Her mind was filled with ways she could make her remaining time with Travis meaningful in any way she could. She needed a way to let him know how much she loved him every day from this point on. Her mind raced from the biggest, grandest, most romantic-est outing that she could think of, to the simplest, smallest little things that the two of them took for granted. All of it was needed to make every second count.
She then noticed a small change in Travis's breathing, indicating that he may have been awake.
"Travis?" She asked in a barely audible whisper as she lightly jostled him.
His response was only a quiet groan, but that was enough to let her know he was indeed awake, even if just barely.
Pinkie needed to tell him about what little time they had left with each other, but a wall appeared in her mind that kept her from doing so. She was hurting enough from that knowledge, and had no intentions of spreading it to her coltfriend.
"Nothing," was all Pinkie said before gently kissing him. Then she closed her eyes and attempted once more to fall asleep.
Her attempt was futile. The kiss she gave Travis awoke something within her that made her heart race, and a warmth spread through her like the first bite into an oven fresh pastry. Their time together had to be special, and she was going to make it so.
Pinkie was no longer in control of her actions. Barely aware of herself, she passionately kissed Travis, and the next thing she knew she rolled over on top of him.
Travis was now fully awake, and taken completely by surprise. "Pinkie! What are you doing?"
Pinkie gently placed her hooves over Travis's mouth to shush him.
"No talking," she whispered, "Just leave it to Pinkie."
Leave it to Pinkie, and she would show him a side of things that he never could have imagined. That was what she said to him once before. Travis smiled when he realized where she was going with this, and now he was going to be able to use what he learned in those 'How to Please a Woman in Bed' videos. This time with a woman he loved personality and all.
At least, he would have if not for a sudden crash that they heard through the wall that happened ten seconds in.
"What was that," Pinkie asked with a jolt.
"Probably that hole we left in the roof of the next cabin when I was moving in. It's been getting bigger lately," Travis said dismissively, wanting to get back to rocking Pinkie's casbah.
However, he couldn't dismiss the issue when they heard a new noise through the wall.
What they heard were two voices talking to each other. They were muffled and indistinct, but one couldn't help but feel that they didn't belong to anyone friendly.
Though incredibly irritated by the interruption, Travis wasted no time getting ready for action. He collected his weapons off of his nightstand as he spoke to Pinkie.
"I guess I need to take care of this. Don't worry, I'll try to make it short," Travis said as he headed for the door.
Before he opened it, Pinkie trotted up next to him.
"You're not going alone," she said to him. There was no way she'd let him go without her. Not if she was going to make good of her desire to protect him.
Travis put his hooves on her shoulders reassuringly.
"It's just a couple of scrubs, Pinkie. The lowest of low. I'll be done before you know it."
That seemed to ease Pinkie's worry. She knew that Travis had handled greater challenges, but still couldn't help but feel the nagging desire to go out there with him. Silently agreeing, she allowed him to leave on his own. With a goodbye kiss, Travis left to his work.
He casually sauntered over to the next room along the path between all of the cabins and he zeroed in on the one that he used as his kitchen/dining room.
The closer he got the clearer the voices of the intruders became. It sounded like the usual minion on a mission banter: 'Not here, let's check the next place,' 'Let's see what the others found', 'She said the No More Hero would be here,' and other things like that.
At least it let him know that there were more than just these goons, and that they were sent by someone who knew about him. Most likely another assassin. Travis groaned quietly, realizing that this may take a little longer than he thought, but no problem, everything was going to be fine. He came to the door of the cabin and put his plan into play.
I use the word 'plan' loosely, as what he ended up doing after he walked through the open door was dropkick the first guy into the second and then beat the ever-loving piss out of the two of them.
The first guy's head was put through the wall, and the other guy was slammed onto the table, followed by a forceful knee drop (or whatever ponies had to the equivalent) that broke the table in half.
The noise had attracted the others that one of them had been talking about.
The first to arrive was a pegasus with a baseball bat who flew through the window and tried to take a swing at Travis's head.
Travis dodged by dropping to the floor and used his magic to grab half of the broken table and use it as a shield against his next attack.
He got to his hooves as another assailant, an earth pony, started crawling though the window. He put an end to this intrusion by giving him a solid buck in the face, which knocked out one of the attacker's teeth as it sent him back out the window.
To handle the pegasus with the bat, Travis pinned his wings to his sides with the two pieces of table and proceeded to punch the shit out of him until his eyes rolled back into his head and he lost consciousness. As long as Pinkie was around, he'd avoid killing any of them if he could help it.
The next order of business was the earth pony outside.
Travis jumped out the window and was immediately bucked into the wall of another cabin by the earth pony.
The first earth pony was soon joined by another one, and both of them attacked Travis at the same time, which pushed him back along the path between the cabins.
Deftly, Travis blocked their successive blows one after the other until a third opponent blind sided him.
Travis sidestepped to face his three opponents, and saw that the new attacker was a unicorn who brandished a pair of knives (thankfully only two). This forced him to draw a sword to counter the bladed weapons.
As the Tsubaki blocked the blades of the unicorn, Travis continued going hoof to hoof with the two earth ponies.
Eventually, his back was put to another wall and the two earth ponies began to whale on him with double the effort.
The assault disrupted his concentration and made his hold on the Tsubaki waver, allowing the unicorn's knives to get closer to him.
Travis needed to do something fast to get him out of this jam. All he needed was just a second to think.
"Wait! Wait! STOP," he yelled at his attackers as he held his hooves up.
Miraculously, his attackers listened to him, allowing Travis to sucker punch the unicorn's horn and dash away to a safer spot.
As he ran into the main office of the motel, he attracted the attention of more attackers who seemed to come out of the woodwork.
Travis couldn't help but wonder where these guys came from at times like this. It was like they popped out of oblivion, pre-programmed to come after him and only him.
Thankfully though, they weren't the small army that he would normally contend with. Just a small band of thugs that numbered somewhere in the single digit range, if he counted right.
The office drew near, and Travis could see lights on in the windows, indicating that there were others inside who were, as of yet, unaware of his presence.
He was about to make himself known, as a unicorn opened the door to see what that noise was.
Travis jumped and put his front hooves around the unicorn's neck and swung his body hard, putting his rear hooves into another earth pony's face, thus dropping all three of their bodies in one move.
Travis rolled to his hooves toward the stairs to the upper level, while the earth pony whose tooth he knocked out earlier reappeared and tackled him against the wall.
After he had done so, a pegasus came swooping down the stairs, his sword at the ready to stick Travis to the wall.
Travis reversed the hold that the earth pony had on him and slammed his head into the wall, stunning him, as he dodged the impaling strike.
The two thugs who were there when he arrived in the office both started their offensive, the earth pony used brass knuckles (or hooves, more appropriately) as his weapon of choice.
Travis used the stunned earth pony in his grasp as a living shield against the furious hooves of his opponents, and even managed to knock out a few more teeth of his shield.
The pegasus tried to take a few swings of its own, which made Travis's pony shield shriek in fear every time that the blade stopped short of cutting him.
The unicorn assailant used his magic to pick up a flower vase and smash it on Travis's head, which made him drop his shield.
This was almost the end of Travis as the pegasus once again tried to impale him. But the unicorn had given Travis an idea.
He would no longer play nice. Travis used his own magic to draw his other swords and go to town on the opponents, first by blocking the pegasus' sword. He then started pulling in small objects nearby to join the fight.
The two earth ponies got their heads knocked together by an end table and a rotting chair, while the unicorn had his head smashed through the bottom part of a drawer.
As for the pegasus, his sword was parried by the Tsubaki, and his wings struck by the Rose Nasty.
The attack on his wings brought the airborne opponent down and his sword nearly got Travis, if he hadn't pulled the unicorn closer to him so that the sword lodged into the front of the drawer around the unicorn's neck, making the magical pony go pale as the blade got dangerously close to his horn.
The unicorn passed out from sheer terror, which took him out of the fight. Travis then discarded his pony-shield by throwing him at the other earth pony present.
The pegasus was next for Travis. He was taken care of with a flurry of strikes form the Rose Nasty.
Just as it seemed the killing blow was coming, the pegasus shouted ever so valiantly, "I'M STILL A VIRGIN!!" But a killing blow never came. Only a furious punch that put him through the wall.
Travis was in no mood for this. The small headache he had when he woke up now became one bitch of a migraine, Pinkie was probably worrying herself into a coma, and these guys were keeping him from getting his fucking nookie!
Travis blocked the attack from the remaining earth pony, and then picked him up and swung him around, smashing his head into the various pieces of furniture. When he was finished, and his opponent was unconscious, more opponents began to come through the door.
Travis was in no mood to face this many opponents all at once. He needed to find a way to separate them.
Putting the plan into play, he ran up the stairs and led his opponents on a chase into one of the side rooms.
The first opponent entered and immediately fell through the non-existent floor after the first step in.
"What happened," the pony yelled painfully from the next floor down, as the next pony behind him stopped before he shared his colleague's pain.
Travis had a foothold just to the side of the door on the eight inch perimeter of flooring that was present. He grabbed the next pony and and pushed him down to the lower level, followed by jumping off himself. He landed on one of them with a devastating elbow drop, and he swore he heard something crack.
He and the other opponent, another unicorn, began a battle of blades, Travis's five beam katanas against his array of swords, axes and maces.
Their weapons clashed in a furious cyclone of strikes and parries, neither one able to better the other.
At the same time, the two began to bombard each other with smaller projectiles from debris in the room.
Travis could tell that the other unicorn was vastly superior at using magic than he was.
As he tried to use more and more objects to his advantage, the more his hold on his weapons weakened. The grip that he had on them was weak enough, as he was still only adept at wielding no more than two or three at a time.
The other unicorn used his magic to pelt Travis with larger and larger pieces of debris, before he used his magic to heft a gigantic piece of the broken floor over his head and swung it down hard onto Travis.
Travis dodged to the side just as a pegasus flew into the room and was immediately squashed under the piece of floor. That's not to say the pegasus was out of the fight. He still had a few swings left in him, though they all hit nothing. He was easily taken care of with a swift roundhouse.
The other unicorn, however, he still had some fight in him. He began to raise the large piece of the floor over his head once more along with all of his weapons to thoroughly crush Travis.
Travis wasn't about to have this. He charged his attacker, who swung his weapons at Travis making him dodge over and under each succeeding blow.
A hit from a mace grazed his leg, which almost toppled him and allowed the other unicorn to lift the piece of floor over his head to land his blow.
Using the momentum from his stumble, Travis rolled forward and put his ankles around the unicorn opponents neck and lifted his body up to viciously punch his face.
When his opponent's face looked like it was about to be turned inside-out from the repeated blows, Travis somersaulted backwards, and slammed the other unicorn into the ground before he rolled away.
The weapons that the unicorn held all flew through the air with him, and the first thing that hit the ground was his horn. His weapons all dropped around him, each one dangerously close to hitting him. Finally, the piece of floor he held came down hard on his head and split in two, putting him down and out.
Travis was then accosted by two more ponies who started pummeling him against the wall. So hard that he actually went right through it after the pressure he was under grew too powerful for the weakened structure.
The battle continued outside, and Travis was pushed against the wall of another cabin.
He blocked the buck from an earth pony, while his pegasus partner reared back for a swooping attack.
Quickly thinking, Travis ripped the nearby door off of its hinges and put it between the two attackers.
He then flipped the door end-over-end so that the earth pony in front of him was hit in the face and pushed backwards, while the pegasus in the rear was gut-checked by the edge of the door and brought in front of him.
Travis punched with all his might and sent the revolving door spinning in the other direction, pegasus and all.
The door pushed the earth pony back in front of him, but this opponent was more aware of Travis's next attack.
He blocked Travis's punch and rolled backwards after nearly losing his balance.
The door was left spinning in the air, and the pegasus came in for a dive bomb attack.
Travis grabbed the door, and used it as an umbrella against the attack, and then as a weapon once more when he slammed the pegasus into the ground with it.
The earth pony landed his next attacks on Travis's face with his bare hooves, until the door was used as a shield once more.
Travis then backflipped through the open doorway into the cabin that he used as a library. He always kind of thought that Equestria was unfortunate to not have things like video games, movies or anime, but he made do with what they did have: books (mostly comics).
Travis used his magic to place the door behind both the earth pony, and the pegasus who was beginning to get airborne. With a mighty pull, he brought the door towards him, and it caught both opponents like a makeshift bulldozer.
They were pushed into the cabin, until the door caught itself back on its hinges and the two of them were launched toward Travis who took them both down with a double stiff arm technique.
The door was then bucked off of its hinges by the earth pony whose teeth kept getting knocked out. He charged in with a chainsaw that Travis assumed he must have gotten from one of his allies.
His swings were blocked by the Peony, and then his weapon was cut to pieces by the Blood Berry, just as the other two opponents were getting to their hooves.
Losing his weapon only doubled this opponent's fury, as Travis was having a hard time defending himself from his attacks.
As his attacks beat on, the other two ponies started their advance.
Travis pushed his armchair into the pegasus's face, and started using books off the shelves to pelt the two earth ponies.
The tooth-deficient pony's attacks subsided when Travis jammed a particularly large history book, which Twilight insisted he needed to read, into his mouth. Travis punched the book in his mouth, and sent the earth pony flying backwards backwards.
After a hard landing, the earth pony spat out the book, and another one of his teeth. He then reached his hoof inside his mouth and pulled out another tooth that had come loose.
"Oh, no," he moaned as he realized how few teeth he had left. His worry priorities changed when his pegasus ally's unconscious body landed next to him. He figured it would be best to play possum for the time being.
The other earth pony wasn't having a very pleasant time at Travis's hooves. Suffice it to say, Travis's hooves were the cause of his misery the way they were sliding his face across the shelves into the various books and bookends, then finally the wall.
The final attack by Travis was to grab the nearby stepladder and swing it onto him so that his opponent's body was caught in the gaps between each rung. Definitely a tight fit, as it did not get past his shoulders.
With a mighty swing, the pony was planted face first into the decrepit wooden floor.
Travis thought that he was finished, until he saw something that wasn't there before.
The armchair that he pushed into the pegasus from before was now standing up on all of its legs, when Travis clearly remembered it rolled onto its side when he was finished with it. The chair was then enveloped in a dark green-colored magic aura.
When it was magically turned around, Travis saw that the seat was occupied by another unicorn. This one with his mane slicked back and was wearing a nice dress shirt with a pair of slacks. He wore a pair of half-moon glasses on his face as his eyes darted back and forth across the pages of the book he was holding in his hooves.
"When the fuck did he get here," Travis wondered in his mind.
The action had died down, so he was able to read the title on the cover of the book he was holding. It looked like it said Compendium of Weapons Vol., something. That was all he could see of the book.
Travis then sighed at this pony's nonchalant approach to starting the fight, something that Travis could never stand. Especially now, when there was someone waiting for him to finish up this work.
"You wanna get this over with," he asked impatiently.
The other pony looked up from his book, and stood on the floor.
"I suppose," was all he said, in some accent that Travis thought may have been Scottish (Trottish, most likely, given this world's fondness for equine puns in naming their countries). He then casually rolled up his sleeves, and adjusted his glasses.
Travis wanted to bang his head on the wall as this guy dragged out his pre-fight ritual.
In order to speed things up, Travis lunged with his Tsubaki and Peony at the ready as his opponent was fixing his collar.
His opponent caught both weapons by snapping his book shut over them, clinching the weapons between its pages.
With a burst of paper, wickedly barbed chains came flying out of the book, sending Travis's weapons flying back to him, which forced him to duck under them.
The chains then snaked back into the pages of the book the bespectacled unicorn held, and what came after them was a sudden storm of very large blades that nearly stuck Travis to the wall, had he not regained control of his weapons and began to furiously block them all.
The storm of blades began to take its toll on the battery life of his weapons. Even though they weren't in his hooves, he could feel their power dwindling in his magical grasp.
The assault of the knives had broken one of the windows, which Travis used to make his escape as his two weapons fizzled out.
His escape took him out into what was once a garden or something. The plants had all wilted, and the low-set metal fencing was reduced to a pile of rust. He was about to ready his weapons for recharging when the unicorn came leaping out the window after him.
From the pages of the unicorn's book came two snapping metal jaws, much like bear traps, both of which went right for Travis's unprotected body.
Travis drew the Blood Berry and Rose Nasty both at the same time while he set to recharging his other two weapons.
The blades of the Rose Nasty caught the metal jaws, while the Blood Berry started attacking the unicorn.
The unicorn caught the blue blade with the open pages of his book to spin the weapon away to a safe distance.
With another burst of paper from the book, a much larger pair of jaws, bigger than a pony, came forth.
"Holy shit," Travis yelled as dove forward in a last ditch effort to dodge the massive jaws, still violently shaking the two uncharged sword handles between his legs.
The jaws snapped shut just as Travis's tail cleared the bladed teeth of the weapon. He landed on his back with the and the two weapons beeped indicating that they were fully charged. He sheathed the Blood Berry and Peony in favor of the Tsubaki/Rose Nasty combo.
The metal jaws that were summoned all disappeared in a burst of yellow, rigid paper as though it were centuries old, and swirled back into the open book, along with a sizable amount of paper from inside, presumably from the knives before.
The next weapons that burst from those pages were two swords, both wickedly serrated. One glowed as if it was red hot, and the other looked white, and had frosty air drifting from it.
The other unicorn cocked one eyebrow, daring Travis to advance, which he willingly obliged.
Their weapons clashed, and Travis could tell, just by crossing swords, that this stallion's weapons had some serious power.
They each trailed their respective element behind them as they sliced through the air, boasting their power when they burst into a flurry of flames or frost on every impact.
Travis knew it would be the end of him if he were hit by either one. He needed a way to get rid of them both.
Something occurred to him as their battle carried into the paths to all the cabins: all of his weapons came from that book he was carrying. Take out the book, cut off his supply of weapons.
"That's so stupidly simple, it's genius," Travis thought as he formulated his plan to eliminate that book. He would have tried his magic on it, but that would do no good. His magic was tied up mostly with holding his weapons. There was only one thing to do.
Travis leaped backwards away from his opponent, and sheathed every one of this weapons.
This confused the bespectacled unicorn into halting his attacks as he tried to figure out what Travis was up to.
Travis egged him on by cocking one of his eyebrows, mimicking the action that the other unicorn had done to signal him to go press on.
The other unicorn decided to humor Travis and do as he wished, as he himself was intrigued by this change in demeanor.
The two swords came at Travis's neck, crossed to decapitate him like a pair of vicious shears.
Just as the swords got near, Travis used his magic to grab the book from him and use it as a shield by wedging it between the two swords.
The swords stopped right as they touched Travis's neck, searing heat and bitter cold both burning his skin.
The book both froze and burst into flame upon being hit, and the swords both turned into the ancient papers that his other discarded weapons had done, but now the simply blew away on the breeze as the book smoldered on the ground.
The bespectacled unicorn stepped back, anxious to run away now that he was unarmed.
Travis stepped forward, stomping on the book and spreading its charred pages to the winds.
He quickly approached his opponent, who was now too scared to run away from him. He wound up for another powerful punch, and the other unicorn held up his hooves and whimpered in anticipation of what was surely going to be a very, very painful blow.
No attack came though, and he lowered his guard to see that Travis's hoof stopped short of his face, sparing him from the punch. But only for a second, since as soon as his hooves were put down, Travis sent him flying with his blow.
Travis assumed that he was finished when he wasn't attacked by anymore ponies, but when he turned around, he saw that he had one more opponent. That damn earth pony who was doomed for dentures.
He ran yelling down the path, baring what few teeth he had left.
What came with his yelling was yet another sound: the yowling of a cat.
Before he could reach Travis, Jeanne jumped on his face and sent him veering to the side and into a wall.
He shook Jeanne off of his face and spat out yet another tooth.
Jeanne crouched into a defensive stance and hissed viciously at him.
He tried to kick her away as revenge for making him lose more teeth, which was something his didn't need.
Jeanne continued her animal fury back swiftly jumping on his face and then crawling to his back where she started slashing at his neck.
The earth pony tried to get her off of him, but she jumped off on her own. Then he felt somepony grab his shoulder and forcefully turn him around.
Pinkie Pie had grabbed the earth pony assailant and smashed his face with her hoof, which knocked out most of his remaining teeth. After so much abuse, that one particular opponent spat out several of this teeth and finally collapsed to the ground unconscious, almost looking relieved to do so if only it meant he didn't have to get beaten up anymore.
Pinkie trembled from what she had done, so much that her legs nearly buckled beneath her. She had lived her life based on her personal ideal of making others happy, but this was going to make nopony happy. Nopony enjoyed being hit so hard that they lost their teeth. It would have been the end of her if anypony saw what she had done.
Though it did not show on her face, inside her mind she was smiling at her own actions. It made her heart all aflutter when she realized what fulfilling her promise would bring. She had gotten her first taste of combat, and she loved it.
Despite her euphoric feelings, her face looked like it was frozen with horror. Travis hated seeing her distraught like this, especially when she felt so guilty about keeping her promise. He took her hooves in his and consoled her.
"Pinkie! Baby, it's alright. Just keep it together and we can take care of this."
Hearing his words made Pinkie's subconscious smile reach her face.
"That...was awesome," Pinkie shouted enthusiastically, "Why did I never do this before!? That was better than almost having sex!!" She then passionately kissed Travis, and nearly dropped them both to the ground.
As much as Travis enjoyed a kinky Pinkie, they still had to take care of the matter of the various thugs who were laying unconscious around Travis's home. They agreed to put off romance to go see Twilight, so that she could ask Celestia to send some guards to take those guys away. They rounded up all of the thugs, and put Jeanne on guard duty, knowing that she would put any one of them back into place if they tried to escape.
They both trotted through the streets to the library, discussing Pinkie's new training regime. Travis had been holding back while he was teaching her, but now that she was so passionate about it (and found it to be her kink) he decided that it would be a good idea to teach her the same way he taught Dash and Spike. To Pinkie, this would make their time together very special.
Through it all, they didn't realize that they were still in danger.
High in the sky overhead came another attack from a swooping pegasus.
Pinkie nearly told Travis about the summoning spell, when they both heard the unsheathing of a sword as their attacker came down and forced them to dive out of the way.
The attacker came swooping back, this time for Pinkie.
As soon as Pinkie got to her hooves, she was grabbed from behind by the attacking pegasus, and a sword was put to her neck.
Travis drew the Rose Nasty and was about to advance for an attack, but was stopped suddenly when he clearly saw the attacker's face in the moonlight. It was someone who he never thought he'd see again in a trillion years.
"You?...But...how--wha--why!? What the fuck!?"
The pegasus smiled before speaking, "Eloquent as always. Hello, Travis."
"Oh, horseapples," Pinkie said, as she too recognized the assassin.
Author's Note
So this chapter was inspired by a movie I watched recently: John Wick. Never seen it? Watch it. It's fucking awesome. But only if you're into action/thrillers. Personally, I think that a great action movie starts with a bang. John Wick starts with a dull thud (literally), but is gets so much better from there.
Also, that unicorn with the book was slightly inspired by Alexander Anderson, since I've also been watching Hellsing lately. Also, his ice and fire swords were inspired by Agni and Rudra from Devil May Cry 3. Enough about my movie analysis.
For anyone who scoffs at a cat as badass as Jeanne, you've probably just haven't had cats that awesome. I personally have a cat that's as well trained as any dog (don't get me wrong though, fellow dog lovers, I am a passionate dog person. I prefer them over cats, actually).
I'm pretty sure all you little readers out there know who that assassin is at the end of this chapter, since you've been dying of anticipation until they've shown up. Feel free to comment who you think they are, though like I said, I'm pretty sure you already know. Rock on, \m/
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No More Heroes: Friendship is Fucked!!
Chapter 11: Next Assassin (Naming Them Would be a Spoiler)
Chapter 11
Next Assassin (Naming Them Would be a Spoiler)
"You're Silvia, aren't you," Pinkie exclaimed as she struggled against the assassin's grip. She only knew about Silvia from what she read earlier in the story, and guessed that it would be an appropriate plot twist if she showed up about now. She could feel the cold blade shaking against her neck as the assassin gave a small scoff and hint of a smirk at that statement.
"I don't know how anyone could mistake me for that skank," the assassin mused, "I'm hotter and more interesting than she'll ever be. I'm also more popular with all these drooling fanboys. Lots of people even want me to have my own game."
Travis glowered at the assassin who held Pinkie's life in her hooves. He would have charged in and attacked violently to save her, even if it meant getting cut down himself, but he knew this person, and thought it may be wise to reason with her.
"What are you doing here, Shinobu?"
Upon hearing that name, Pinkie turned her head to better see the assassin.
"Shinobu," she exclaimed in her mind. For the first time since learning about her existence, she had met face to face with a mare she herself never expected, or even wanted, to see.
As Pinkie looked her over, she wondered how she missed the fact that she and Shinobu were wearing the same outfit, and had the same manecut. Heck, they even looked very similar in both face and body type. The only major difference between them was that while Pinkie's coat was hot pink, like bubblegum, Shinobu's was deep brown, like coffee.
"You already forgot about that? That's real nice," Shinobu said as if Travis should have known why she was here. She decided to elucidate Travis to the facts of this matter, "I gave you a note, didn't I? It said that I was going to leave the country again to train with a new master. It just so happens that here in Equestria, there's a guy called Razor Edge who runs a school for swordsponies up in the mountains a few countries over. I learned about it from my friend, Strawberry Surprise. I always thought she had kind of a weird name, but then again, how often do you meet people named Scarlett?"
"I mean: why are you here , in Ponyville with a sword to my girlfriend's neck," Travis said, not actually caring about the particulars of how or why Shinobu was in Equestria at all. To him, all that mattered was getting Pinkie away from her, and somewhere safe.
"Cutting to the quick, huh? I'm here to kill someone called 'The Bearer of Loyalty.' She's supposed to be someone important. I guess while I'm at it, I can kill this Bearer too since Glastits couldn't," Shinobu said as she threateningly pressed the blade of her sword against Pinkie's neck.
"In case you don't remember: I'm the one who's supposed to be the target here. Let her go, and forget about the other Bearers. I'm the only one who's death should matter to you," Travis said as he tried to sway Shinobu to let Pinkie go. And from the look of things, it looked like he had succeeded.
"True," Shinobu said as she took her sword away from Pinkie's neck. Then something occurred to her: how far had she come in her training? Maybe now she would be able to get the better of Travis. But to be certain, he had to be at the top of his game. There was only one way to do that, and she had everything she needed right in her hooves. She put her sword back to Pinkie's throat, ready to slice through it, "But then again, whose death really does matter?" she asked slyly.
Pinkie nearly screamed as Travis jolted forward to stop Shinobu.
Before he even took two steps, a familiar rainbow streak came in and plowed Shinobu through the dirt road of the town, freeing Pinkie from her grip.
Upon her release, Pinkie ran to Travis as Rainbow Dash continued her battle with Shinobu in the streets.
That was a strange thing about Dash: whenever you needed her, there she was. It was almost like she had her own version of the mysterious Pinkie Sense.
"Pinkie, go get Applejack and Spike! It's gonna take all of us to handle Shinobu!" Travis said.
Pinkie gave a short salute and zipped away as fast as she could to bring her friends to the fight.
Dash and Shinobu took to the air and flew towards one another. Dash was surprised to see that this opponent was just as fast as she was. This didn't sit well with her, since she prided herself on being the fastest pony in Ponyville, if not all of Equestria, and she intended to keep it that way. She sped up her attacks, but they were only met with mirrored blows from Shinobu, almost as if they practiced the same fighting style.
Through it all, the noise they were making began to wake up the town.
Lights turned on and curious ponies looked out their doors and windows to see what the hay was going on.
One particularly irate stallion yelled from his window for them to 'cut out that racket.'
Shinobu responded with a bland 'shut your hole, douche' as she sent a sonic slash his way.
The crescent shaped energy wave cut the wall next to his window, and the stallion quickly scrambled back into the safety of his house.
Soon after, the streets were lined with ponies who came out of their homes to witness the overhead battle.
High above, the two pegasi battled ferociously beyond the reach of anypony else.
Dash began the offensive by pushing their battle into the midst of a group of clouds. She then pushed all of the clouds together into one single mass, engulfing both of the pegasi.
This kept either one of them from seeing each other.
Shinobu swung blindly trying to hit her opponent, but anytime she came close, Dash easily dodged it.
Dash had flown blind on plenty of occasions, and learned how to maneuver on sheer instinct.
This put Dash at a serious advantage, allowing her to ebb and advance without fear of being cut down. She landed hit after hit on Shinobu, and smiled as she thought that after all the fights that have happened, she would beat Travis's time for ending one.
But it appeared that Shinobu had other plans.
With a shout of, "GENTOKEN," she unleashed a flurry of sonic slashes in all directions.
That sudden attack took Dash completely by surprise. Her rhythm of attacking and retreating was interrupted by the fact that she now had to dodge random projectiles. Every time she got close to attacking again, she had to back off to avoid losing a wing. She decided it was time to change her strategy when one of her feathers got clipped.
One thing that she learned while training for combat was that she should use her environment to her advantage, just like one of those wrestlers that Travis liked. And right now, her environment was a giant cloud. An idea immediately clicked in her mind.
Remembering her attempt to impress Travis a while ago, Dash began to fly around the mass of clouds at blinding speeds.
Inside, Shinobu tried to escape from the sudden gusts that were whipping around her, but it seemed that no matter where she moved, the fog moved with her.
Dash anticipated her escape attempts and compensated by shifting the cloud's position to keep her trapped.
Faster and faster Dash flew, condensing the cloud to a smaller and smaller size.
Soon, Shinobu was trapped in a massive globe of water, which dropped out of the sky back towards Ponyville.
She landed with a large splash that soaked most of the street.
Looking up, she saw Dash dive bombing her with her weapon drawn.
With a simple step to the side, Dash very nearly crashed into the ground, but with a powerful flap of her wings, she only landed with a solid thud.
But this was all that Shinobu needed to gain the upper hand.
As Dash recoiled from her hard landing, Shinobu let loose with her acrobatic fighting style, jumping over Dash, weaving through attacks, even sliding under her to get behind her.
Dash's head was spinning from the flurry of attacks, making it difficult for her to block properly. On the ground, she was uncomfortable, and her combat rhythm was disrupted. Down here, she was out of her element. She tried to take to the air, but every time she tried, Shinobu stopped her with a powerful jumping strike.
Around this time, Travis joined the fight. He needed weapons that would be able to counter Shinobu's speedy, erratic strikes, so he opted to use the Rose Nasty/Blood Berry combo and rushed in.
Travis's advance ended up pushing the battle into the crowd of ponies who gathered around.
The ponies all parted, giving the fighters plenty of room.
Fighting Dash was easy for Shinobu, all that needed to be done was to keep her on the ground.
Travis, on the other hand, proved to be just as formidable as she remembered. And it was only worse now that he could use multiple weapons. Something had to be done, and she had just the thing.
In her time training in this land, she had learned a new technique or two. Quite a devastating few techniques indeed.
Shinobu stopped her attacks and allowed Travis to execute a downward swing.
Just before the blade touched her, something happened that made everyopony watching gasp in equal amounts of awe, wonder and horror.
At first glance, it seemed that Shinobu had been cut in two, but it wasn't so. A closer look showed that what really happened was that Shinobu had split her body into two separate copies of itself, though both were see-through, as if they were ghosts.
"What the fuck is this," Travis yelled as he took a surprised step back from the two phantoms.
Both of the phantoms smiled at his words.
"This is just a small taste," one of them said.
"Get ready, because there's a hell of a lot more," the other one finished.
They both charged at once, and would have killed Travis if Dash didn't intervene.
Each phantom became an opponent for the two solid ponies.
The four fighters then started circling the perimeter of the circle of spectators, sometimes coming dangerously close to a casualty.
Eventually, the two Shinobu phantoms pushed Travis and Dash both into the center of the circle so that they ended up back to back.
The two phantoms dashed forward, trying to kill them both.
It was the lightning fast reflexes of the two that let them dodge to the side as their opponents clashed in the center.
When they met, the two phantoms began to merge into a singular, solid being once more, but not without another surprise.
During the process of becoming solid, sonic blades appeared around Shinobu's body, though they didn't radiate outwards. They simply circled her body, as a way of shielding her from further attacks while she was vulnerable. They dissipated into nothing when she was finished, which took about a second.
"It looks like you've lost your moe, 'Master' Travis," she taunted. Before, whenever she called Travis 'master' it carried an air of admiration and respect. Now, she only used the term sarcastically as she honestly felt that she had surpassed him.
Taunting her opponents was a weakness of Shinobu's. In the past, it left her wide open to counter attacks. This instance was no different, as she felt the sharp pain of Dash's blade cut right through her.
When Shinobu looked to parry the next attack, Dash was nowhere in sight.
Then another attack hit her from behind.
Shinobu turned once more, and was once again attacked from behind. It was like she could teleport or something, a trick exclusive to magical ponies. It had to be some kind of maneuver paired with her naturally blinding speed.
But two could play the speed game.
Shinobu focused her mind and in the fraction of a second between Dash's attacks, she was ready to counter.
Travis had backed off from the other two, not wanting to accidentally get hit by Dash. But when he saw how Shinobu clutched her sword, he knew there was trouble. It was something that she had tried on him when he fought her years ago. Though he was lucky to never be hit by it, he knew that if he had, it would have been the end of him. He charged into the fray, but it was too late.
As Dash was going for what she intended to be the finishing blow that would set up a kill for Travis, she saw Shinobu's body shift towards her.
At first, she thought that her opponent had simply dodged the attack when she didn't feel her weapon cut into her, but then she felt something else.
She had broken her wing once, and that was the most painful experience she ever had, but this pain she felt now vastly outweighed it. It was the single, deepest cut she ever received, and it went all along her side, making her spiral and crash to the ground, bleeding profusely.
Shinobu's mission had succeeded.
"RAINBOW DASH!!!"
Dash was barely conscious when she felt her head lifted off the ground, and found herself looking at the face of a very, very distraught Fluttershy. She looked nearly on the verge of tears, but she soon got over it and started desperately trying to save Dash.
As Fluttershy worked, Dash turned her head to look at the fight that was still happening.
Travis yelled something about a shortcake, which she couldn't hear, since her fading consciousness muffled her senses. But whatever he said, he began to unleash insanely fast attacks that seemed to all hit their mark.
That was all Dash saw before she closed her eyes.
It was then that the cavalry arrived.
The crowd of ponies had pulled way back from the fight, and through them came the reinforcements that Pinkie was sent to retrieve.
Upon seeing Dash get cut, Applejack bucked Spike directly into battle.
He cut through the air with a dropkick that met powerfully with Shinobu's face. After that, he bounced to Travis's side to begin the next attack.
Even though he felt the same rage that Travis did after Dash was cut down, something about him made him uneasy. In all his time with him, he never saw Travis like this. He seemed somehow less approachable and friendly, it was like all the light in his being had disappeared and was replaced by something dark and terrible.
They were joined by Applejack, and the three of them stared down their opponent, who stared right back.
"Another bearer," Shinobu observed, "This keeps getting easier. If this keeps up, I can kill you all in one night."
"Ya don't know what happened to the last griffin who thought that, do ya," Applejack shouted as she bombarded Shinobu with a volley of horseshoes.
Each one of them was cut down by the two spectral Shinobu's, after she split into two beings again. That would have been a problem if Applejack didn't already have a plan as soon as she saw them split.
Remembering what she had done with Gina, she already had a length of rope ready with a horseshoe at the end. Instead of throwing it directly at her opponent, she lobbed it slightly to the side of both the phantoms.
With a small tug of the rope, and a change of her position, she had maneuvered it to wrap around them both, and with a strong pull, she yanked the two together.
The sudden jolt kept Shinobu from executing her sonic barrier technique, allowing Travis and Spike to execute their Superball Special.
Shinobu dodged the first attack, which sent Spike bouncing off the wall back towards her
Another dodge, and Spike was sent back into Travis's chest.
Travis never really thought about how much it might hurt being hit by a ballistic dragon, but now he had a sudden pang of empathy for the Parfait sisters.
Applejack tried to make her move with an up close an personal battle, hoof-to-blade.
But Shinobu had learned much in her training with Razor Edge. She never understood the nature of her sonic slashes, but with her new teacher, she learned that it was a physical manifestation of her ki.
Ki was the life energy that all living things had (or some bullshit like that), and there were other ways to use it besides attacking.
With a powerful roundhouse kick, she sent Applejack flying away. Once she was at a distance, she used one of her new techniques.
The sonic energy now enveloped her body, and from what everypony could see, all the wounds she had sustained during the battle disappeared from her body.
Travis brandished his weapons threateningly as he tried to steel himself for another attack. He never faced any opponent who could do that, and it was such a cheap, dick move that only the most annoying opponents used.
"You know, healing yourself mid-battle is the sign of an unsure fighter," he quipped.
"So is calling for reinforcements," Shinobu shot back.
Her three opponents all advanced at once, and she took to the air beyond their reach.
With a loop, she came soaring back with an added surprise. While she was holding her katana, the edges of her wings became lined with crescent sonic blades. Her rapid flight towards them had become a literal flying guillotine attack.
"Hit the dirt," Applejack yelled as the three of them dove to the ground.
Shinobu swooped over their heads, and one of her wings cut through a wooden column of a building. She flew high up and came circling back.
Something had to be done about this tactic of hers.
Thinking quickly, Travis blurted out the first words that came to mind, "Spike! Hail Mary piledriver!"
Spike responded with an unaware, "What?"
That was the first time that Travis had spoken those words to him, so he had now way of knowing what he meant.
Without warning, he was picked up by Travis's magic hold and, despite his protests, was flung into the air towards the approaching pegasus.
Before he impacted with her, he suddenly understood what Travis meant.
The Hail Mary had been completed, now what was needed was the piledriver part.
He maneuvered through the air over Shinobu's sword, a feat which made Twilight almost bite her hooves off as she watched him.
When Spike reached her back, he grabbed her tightly and pinned her wings to her sides.
The two then went plummeting to the ground, and created a small, pegasus shaped impression in the ground when they landed.
Spike rolled to safety to avoid Applejack's next attack.
She came in from the air, ready to smash Shinobu's head under her hooves, a move she learned from watching Travis fight Pinkie's assassin.
But just like that fight against Glastits, Shinobu easily dodged it and fluidly got to her hooves. In this same motion, she grappled with Applejack and threw her through the nearest window. After that, she flew in to finish off the farm pony.
The building they ended up in was the cider bar. The lights were already on when they came in, probably turned on by Jack when he was making his way through the bar from his apartment upstairs when he came outside. This allowed the two to continue their brawl unhindered.
Applejack's first move was to pick up a bar stool and swing it at Shinobu's head.
The stool was immediately cut in two.
After swinging her blade, Applejack tackled Shinobu, and slammed her back against the bar.
Shinobu reversed the grip Applejack had on her and smashed her face into the wooden surface of the bar.
The pain of having her face smashed, as well as the rage that came from Dash's demise made Applejack unleash tartarus as she grabbed Shinobu and slid her along the bar, smashing her head through the various mugs, bottles, and ended with her opponent's head hitting the post at the end of the bar so hard that it was dislodged from where it was set.
Applejack let go, and Shinobu rolled behind the bar. Looking down, Applejack saw a bottle that hadn't broken when it fell down.
She bent down to pick it up, and as soon as she came up, so did Shinobu.
Applejack broke the bottle over Shinobu's head, not realizing that her opponent grabbed a bottle of her own behind the bar, and at the exact same time, swung at Applejack's head.
The bottles smashed on each of the mare's heads at the exact same time, pissing both of them off.
They both retaliated with a strong jab in each other's faces. Applejack and Shinobu both recoiled in pain, shouting a respective 'buck' and 'fuck' simultaneously.
"Bitch," Shinobu yelled as she jumped over the bar and kicked Applejack in her face. As a human, Shinobu was accustomed to fighting in enclosed spaces, but as a pegasus, she was at an advantage in open areas.
She made her escape out the window, and swooped overhead to ambush Applejack when she exited the bar. However, it was Shinobu who was ambushed.
Jumping from the rooftops up to her was Travis, who executed a heel drop that sent Shinobu back to the ground where Spike was waiting with a 2x4. As soon as she was in his reach, he swung as hard as he could.
Working purely off of her reflexes, Shinobu sliced through the wooden plank, and nearly cut Spike with it.
Spike staggered backwards away from harm, though he was not out of danger.
Shinobu shot a couple of sonic slashes his way, both of which were dodged.
After Spike stumbled to the side, he found that he fell down next to a metal pipe that was lying in the alleyway between two buildings. He picked it up to use as a makeshift sword.
Shinobu almost laughed at the sight of a tiny dragon holding a piece of metal as if it was a real sword, but she soon learned not to judge appearances.
The little dragon proved to be just as formidable as the other two fighters.
Speaking of which, Travis came jumping in from behind her, attempting a surprise attack, but he was countered by a phantom Shinobu that sprang right out of her back.
Next came Applejack who tried to rush in with a powerful buck that would send her flying.
They all should have seen this coming.
As soon as Applejack got close, and they were all near her, the Shinobu phantoms merged and became surrounded by sonic blades.
Travis and Spike both recoiled as their weapons bounced off the sonic blades, but Applejack, who preferred to fight hoof-to-hoof, got one of her rear legs caught in the blades.
With a loud curse, Applejack fell on her side, and painfully climbed to her hooves. It was only a parry from the Blood Berry that kept Applejack from losing her head to Shinobu.
"Spike, take Applejack out of here," Travis ordered, to which Spike obliged. He put one of her hooves over his shoulder, and helped her limp to the sidelines. He turned to watch them both safely make their way to Fluttershy, but then he realized something: his back was turned to Shinobu, and she hadn't attacked yet.
"I guess this is your way of fucking with me," Travis said, remembering what she said to him before their first fight.
Travis turned to face her, just in time to see a nostalgic smile spread across her face. The two then began circling the edges of the crowd of ponies, who all took several steps back to a safe distance.
"What can I say? You've rubbed off onto me," she stated as she eyed Travis, waiting for him to drop his guard. "But why the hell would you remember that of all the things I've said?"
"I've remembered almost everything you've said to me."
"I'm flattered."
"And I remember once that you said you'd do anything I want. And to be honest: I'd really like it if you stopped this bullshit fight."
"No deal. I said I'd do anything my master wants."
"So that's it? Little Shinobu's all grown up and doesn't need me anymore," Travis said sardonically as the two stopped circling, "I guess that means anything we ever had in the past is null and void now?"
"We never had anything," Shinobu bitterly answered, "I wasn't lying when I said that I still loved you, but I did a lot of thinking after I left. I realized that if I kept holding on to something I never had, I would never surpass you. I don't need you, and I never did."
"No! Come back! You need to lie down," came Fluttershy's voice from the crowd.
It seemed that Shinobu hadn't quite succeeded in her mission, because stepping next to Travis came Rainbow Dash, who was glaring furiously at Shinobu. She took a few ragged breaths before speaking.
"You..." Dash began contemptuously, "You backstabbing piece of trash! Is this how you're going to repay him?! He's a caring, strong, compassionate stallion who's been nothing but nice to everypony he's met! You should be grateful that you met him at all!!" She was seething with rage at the idea that she would readily drop Travis for such a selfish reason as becoming stronger, especially when she claimed to have loved him.
Shinobu responded by shaking her head, "I don't know if I should laugh, or feel sorry for you. You spend all of your time looking out for others, so you never end up bettering yourself. That's why you're still in this place instead of fulfilling your ambitions."
Dash hated how the assassins seemed to know how to strike their nerves. She clenched her teeth, knowing that on some level Shinobu was right. But she still wouldn't stand for this mother bucker's selfish behavior.
"Travis, get back," Dash practically demanded.
Travis knew what Dash was planning. She had a sense of duty towards her friends, and Shinobu was offending every sensibility she had.
"You're not in any condition. Just sit back, and I'll handle this," he said as he tried to gently goad her back into the crowd with a hoof on her shoulder.
This was met with Dash pushing him away into the crowd where he was caught by Pinkie. When he looked to the fighting circle, he saw that Dash and Shinobu were already going at it. He simply stood on the sidelines and watched what unfolded.
"Aren't you going to help her," Pinkie asked him.
"This is something that she has to work out," Travis responded with a sigh, "Besides, could we really stop her?"
Pinkie had to agree with him, so they just watched the battle play out.
Shinobu decided to accommodate Dash's handicap by not taking to the air. After all, it would be a good test of her own skill.
Meanwhile, Dash nearly keeled over in severe pain with every strike she made. She couldn't take to the air for fear of reopening her wound if she flapped her wings. But even with these severe hindrances, she still proved to be just as fast a fighter as she normally was.
"Someone's tapped their moe," Shinobu said, feeling the rage in Dash's strikes, and still not knowing what 'moe' meant, "What's your deal? Trying to impress one of the guys in the crowd?"
Shinobu had to jump to avoid having her legs cut. When she came back down, she ended up locking swords with Dash.
"You sounded weirdly fond of Travis earlier. Too bad he's taken."
Dash's face changed, and it revealed something to Shinobu.
"He broke your heart too, didn't he?"
Dash said nothing, but it was this silence that tipped Shinobu off.
"Hate to break it to you, but he only goes for women with serious personality issues."
Dash wasn't about to take that statement lightly. It was one thing to insult her, but another to insult her friends.
"Leave Pinkie out of this," she growled as she pushed Shinobu back. As soon as she regained her footing, Shinobu charged with series of slashes, all of which were blocked.
Under the strain of the attacks, Dash's wound began to open up again, creating a fresh bloodstain under the already red bandages. The two clashed their weapons once more.
"What do you owe him anyway," Shinobu asked, "Why are you going so far that you're almost killing yourself?"
Dash only stared as she thought about her answer.
"Because he'd have done the same for me," Dash said.
Now it was Shinobu's turn to fall dead silent. She remembered how after Travis defeated her three years ago, he spared her life, stating that he did it so that she could come back stronger one day. And there she was reflecting on the fight she had just carried out in the streets of Ponyville.
During the whole fight, she had taken hit after hit of abuse from her opponents, and now she was having trouble against someone she didn't even know. Someone who she could tell was not nearly as strong as Travis.
Everything she had done up to that point now seemed futile to her. Now she doubted that she truly could carry out her mission to eliminate Travis.
Shinobu's thoughts ended when Dash let loose a technique that she had been practicing to beat Travis during their sparring.
With a twist of her beam katana, Dash executed a masterful disarming technique that relinquished Shinobu of her sword.
The sword flew through the air and ended up caught in Travis's magic.
Shinobu could have easily taken him on unarmed and retrieved her sword, but something had stopped her. She dropped to her knees, and hung her head in shame.
"I give up," she said quietly, "I'm so sick of trying to accomplish the impossible and be something I'm not. Travis..." She paused, and closed her eyes as she tried to admit her difficult confession, "You truly are better than I am. And I see no reason to go on anymore."
"Oh no..." Pinkie said, expecting another suicide. She remembered how she felt when she watched Travis kill Glastits. It made her sad, afraid and sick to her stomach, but it was only ten thousand times worse when she watched Cream slit her own throat. She began to feel queasy as Travis approached the brown pegasus with her sword at his side.
Travis stepped in front of Shinobu, who bowed her head in submission, expecting a warrior's execution. Travis turned to Dash, who looked away as she had done before every other assassin was killed. Many of the ponies who were watching followed Dash's example, but a few seemed to be in a stupor that kept them from averting their eyes.
Travis then turned to Shinobu.
Here was someone who he never thought he would end up having to fight again, and now here it was once more: him with a sword, and her awaiting her demise. He sighed sadly as he raised the sword over her head, aimed right at her neck.
In those seconds, Shinobu slightly regretted conceding to defeat, but for her there was nothing else. She had reaped what she had sown, and this was what she got for sparing Travis.
The whoosh of a blade cutting through the air made her blood run cold.
At first she felt nothing but terror, and then nothing at all.
But things hadn't turned out as they seemed.
Shinobu opened her eyes, and found that her head was still attached to her body. Next to her, her sword was dug into the ground.
She looked up and saw Travis smiling at her and her fear became relief. She spared him, and he had done the same for her.
Something changed in her then, which made her do what Dash had said, and appreciate simply being as close as she was to him. With a bright smile, she stood up and threw her forelegs around Travis's neck, an action which dropped the jaw of every onlooker.
"What the hay just happened," Applejack yelled from the sidelines.
"What the--but why--how did--" Dash sputtered as she angrily waved her hooves around.
"I think I could answer if you finished one of those sentences," Travis said with a chuckle.
Dash only let out a frustrated groan, which turned to a pained one as her wound opened up ever so slightly from her flustering about. Fluttershy dragged her back to the crowd to take care of her as Twilight approached Travis.
"Did I miss something," she asked.
Neither Travis, nor Shinobu had said anything when Travis decided to not kill her. Much like everypony else, she was profoundly confused, and confusion was not something that she took lightly. Especially when it came to social interactions between two ponies.
"Best not sweat it, Sparks," Travis casually dismissed the issue, "Right now, we just have to clear things up."
Shinobu readily agreed to that statement with a nod.
"I'll accept any punishment necessary for this mess," she said, still smiling with her hooves around Travis, "Whatever it takes to atone for this, I'll do it."
"You're in luck, Shinobu. It just so happens that Sparks here has a direct line to the two ruling princesses of this world."
When Travis finished talking, Pinkie came in and pushed Shinobu off of Travis and next the Twilight.
"Great! Everypony's happy! Now get your hooves off my coltfriend and go with Twilight already," she demanded. It made her crazy to see Travis with another mare, let alone one that was an ex.
Shinobu brushed off Pinkie's brash actions and spoke to Twilight.
"I guess we should get started then," she said, unsure of what was to come next.
Though it made Twilight uncomfortable taking an assassin who nearly killed her friends to her home, she agreed and called Spike over to her. The three of them then walked away to her home.
As they walked, Shinobu nervously looked back to Travis who gave her a reassuring smile, but Pinkie gave her a glare and gestured that she would be watching her. As far as she was concerned, Shinobu was trouble. Then she noticed that they were being watched by the crowd.
"It's okay, everypony! You can go home now," she called out to the crowd.
Slowly the crowd disappeared back to their homes.
Travis looked around bewildered, not even noticing that there was a crowd until now. He had gotten so into his work, he didn't even notice the dramatic change in the environment around him. He took Pinkie's hoof, and the two of them started their own way back home.
As they walked, Pinkie remembered that important thing she had to tell Travis about. She knew that it was now or never, and avoiding it would only make it worse.
"Travis...we need to talk."
During the entire walk to Travis's house, Pinkie explained the situation of the summoning spell, and how they had a limited time to be together. Travis didn't say much outside of a few questions, such as how long she knew about it, and if they could do something to work around the magic spell.
"We just can't get a break, can we," Travis sighed, genuinely hurt by the news. Now that he found a place where he was actually happy, it turned out that he was going to have to leave it as suddenly as he entered it. What made it worse for him was thinking about how his departure would affect everyone he had grown close to during his time there.
"I know, but I've been trying to think of ways that we could make our time special," Pinkie said, "I thought that maybe we could keep up these fighting lessons since they're such an amaaaaaazing rush."
As she spoke, Travis could hear her begin to hyperventilate.
"Easy, tiger. We aren't even back in bed yet," they both had a small chuckle, but at what, they didn't know. It seemed like all they could do to make their situation seem better than it actually was.
From that point on, they had to try and think about the positive aspects of the limited future they had together.
But not yet.
When they arrived back at Travis's home, they found a trail of blood, as though someone had been dragged away.
Travis drew his Tsubaki and he and Pinkie cautiously followed the trail to one of the cabins on the property. He opened the door and was greeted with a peculiar sight.
What he saw was Jeanne sitting innocently on the ground, and her front paws were stained red. The rest of the bloody trail led to the group of thugs that had been thoroughly trounced earlier.
All of them seemed dreadfully scared the way they were all huddled in the corner, trembling. None of them seemed terribly injured, but one of them was clutching his bleeding foreleg, had a few fresh bruises, two black eyes, and his mane and tail had been shredded.
"Oh, yeah. I forgot about these guys," Travis said.
"Y-Your cat's bucking crazy, man," one of them said as he pointed a shaking hoof at Jeanne, who mewled contently. "Rough House tried to sneak away while she was cleaning herself, but once she saw he was missing, she ran out after him, and he started screaming, man! She came back, dragging him in like a dead rat! Like we're just pieces of meat to her, man!"
"The horror...the horror," shuddered the bleeding stallion as he slowly shrank to the ground and whimpered, "You wouldn't believe those dead eyes of hers! She stopped being a cat...more like a monster!"
The words confused Jeanne, and she turned her head to look at the group of ponies with a small trill as if to ask what they meant.
The cat's action made the entire group gasp sharply and press further back into the corner they were in.
Travis and Pinkie both burst out laughing. In all their years, they never thought they'd see something as silly as a group of grown stallions scared to death of a single, small tabby cat. It was even funnier knowing that Jeanne was such a sweet little kitty any other time.
"Jeanne, can you keep watching these guys? We'll have the guards take care of them in the morning," Travis requested.
Jeanne meowed in confirmation.
"That's a good girl," he said as he scratched her ears, "And I promise that in the morning, I'm gonna give you a whole can of wet food."
Jeanne purred happily at the promise, and hopped on a chair to begin her night watch on the thugs.
Meanwhile, Travis and Pinkie decided to pick up where they had left off.
The two retired to the bedroom, turned out the lights, and noises of love soon followed that could be faintly heard all throughout Ponyville.
With the noises, a strange phenomenon occurred that affected the entire town. Those noises had a romantic side effect on every pony who lived in Ponyville. Everything from midnight rendezvous, to dreams of romance, to bedroom gymnastics happened that night, and it was all thanks to the love two ponies shared, and would share for as long as they could.
SHINOBU SPARED AGAIN
Author's Note
Along with No More Heroes 3, I desperately want Shinobu to get her own game. I saw some screenshots a few years back, and it looked like that was happening, but then it became something called "Let It Die." Lame...
So, Shinobu's new move set was inspired by the Eight Devils of Kimon from the movie Ninja Scroll. I thought it worked: they're ninjas, Shinobu's like a ninja. It just seemed like a natural fit.
I also know that all of you, even the ones who didn't comment, were hoping that the mystery pegasus was going to be Henry, so I'm super sorry that it didn't turn out that way, but I already figured out when Shinobu was going to come in as soon as I finished the prologue chapter.
But fear not: Henry is most definitely going to appear in a later chapter. Not the next one, though. I already planned the point for him to appear as well. Telling you when would also be a spoiler, so just bear with this thing. Have fun and rock on \m/!
No More Heroes: Friendship is Fucked!!
Chapter 12: Making New Friends
Chapter 12
Making New Friends
The sun shone through the window of the bedroom, waking Pinkie up with a quiet yawn.
Last night had been the most satisfying night of her life, and waking up next to Travis made it all the better. With only one assassin left to defeat, he was almost out of her life for good, and this was an experience she would never forget.
The feel of his body rubbing next to her's (and for the last sixty minutes of it, inside of her's) was something that she would carry with her for all time. She smiled contently and reached over to feel for Travis.
What she found instead was something much smaller in his place.
Pinkie became confused when the small object began to purr, and she opened her eyes to find Jeanne lying where Travis would normally sleep. She guessed that Jeanne was there because the thugs she was watching were taken away at some point, but where was Travis? Then, she noticed a piece of paper on the nightstand, and found it to be a note left by Travis after she picked it up. She read it as she scratched Jeanne's tummy.
'Had to leave early for work today. Feel free to raid the pantry and make yourself at home. See you at noon for your combat lessons.'
That was all the note said.
Pinkie felt a little miffed that Travis conveyed this through a note instead of face to face, but at least he promised to meet her at noon for combat lessons. If the session turned out to be intense enough, it may even become something even more exciting.
Pinkie giggled at the thought and decided to look at the clock. She had about an hour before she had to get to work at the bakery. She got dressed before she stepped outside to take care of her first order of business: find which cabin was the bathroom and take a shower.
Pinkie walked to cabin after cabin, trying to remember which one was the bathroom. She did find that the thugs from last night were all gone, and the only evidence of them ever being there was the streak of blood and a few red paw prints.
After the fourth attempt, she heard a new sound. There was water running somewhere, and she followed the sounds to a nearby cabin. Opening the door, she finally found the bathroom, and the shower was occupied.
It seemed Pinkie was in luck, because there'd be only one stallion showering there, and he'd be delighted to have her join him.
Pinkie shuffled off her clothes and put on her best seductive face as she walked over to the shower. She put one hoof on the shower rod, and another hoof on her hip, as she tried to make her presentation as appealing as possible when she revealed her surprise arrival. With one fluid motion, she slid her hoof across the rod to pull the curtain back by the rings that held it up.
Her set up had worked. The pony showering was indeed surprised, but Pinkie herself yelled and nearly fell over backwards when she pulled the curtain back.
Shinobu stared blankly at the sudden arrival as she stood in the shower, but it wasn't long before she spoke, "I know that you ponies have no problem being naked in public and all, but it's kind of a human custom to have privacy while showering." She then pulled the curtain shut.
Less than a second later, the curtain was yanked open by Pinkie.
"What are you doing here," she demanded to know. It was only last night that Shinobu nearly killed Dash and was going to start killing the other Bearers as well, so she wanted to know what was this all about.
"Is this a trick question? I'm taking a shower," was all Shinobu said as she yanked the curtain closed again.
The curtain was yanked back open.
"You know what I mean, you coltfriend stealing home wrecker," Pinkie said accusingly. This was not true, as no coltfriends had been stolen and no homes had been wrecked, but Pinkie wasn't exactly feeling rational at the sight of Shinobu at Travis's house.
"Simple: I don't have anywhere to live, so Travis said I could stay here," and Shinobu pulled the curtain shut again.
"HE WHAT," Pinkie shouted as she yanked the curtain open again. It drove her insane the way she hugged him last night, but now she was going to be living with him!? It was enough to put her in a strait jacket.
"You got a problem, Pinkie," Shinobu asked, as she gradually grew more irritated every time the curtain was pulled back. "If you do, take it up with Travis. He'll tell you the same thing I did."
And the curtain was pulled closed one final time before Pinkie left to make her breakfast. She decided that she would get a shower at her place later.
The kitchen looked like it had been cleaned up last night, but there was still evidence of the scuffle that happened there. Most evident was that the table had been crudely duct taped back together in a shoddy effort to repair it.
Pinkie helped herself to the pizza that Travis always had lying around, and was shortly joined in her breakfast by Jeanne, who was delighted to see that her Travis had kept his promise to feed her a whole can of food. Jeanne had trained him well indeed.
"Has this ever happened to you, Jeannie," Pinkie asked her feline company, "Did you ever know a tom who invited another molly to live with him, even though the two of you were dating, and it drove you completely bonkers?"
Jeanne answered with a trill and a grunt.
Her answer made Pinkie sigh, "You're right. I guess it doesn't happen to a lot of ponies. Or kitties. What should I do?"
Jeanne made no sounds as she continued to eat her breakfast.
"Please! I need to have something to go off of! Short of killing her, that is," Pinkie begged the tabby.
Jeanne made noises that almost sounded like 'num num num num num,' as she ate.
That answer made Pinkie sit back and cross her forehooves.
"Fine, be that way. I'll just figure something out on my own. I don't see any reason why I should be as crazy as you!" Said the pony talking to a cat. And she went back to eating her pizza.
Halfway through breakfast, something happened that made Jeanne jump across the room. In a burst of green embers, a letter appeared in front of Pinkie, from Twilight no doubt.
It was very concise, all it said was to meet at her house at eight-thirty.
A simple request. No problems. She finished her pizza and began her walk to the library.
Along the way, she was joined by Shinobu, who started walking next to her side-by-side.
Pinkie eyed her suspiciously, ready to pummel her if she tried anything funny.
"Are you heading to town too," Pinkie asked her unwelcome companion.
"Yeah. There's somewhere I have to be. No big deal, just a thing I have to do," came Shinobu's answer.
Her answer revealed nothing about what she had to do, but Pinkie didn't care at all what she was doing. It was more of a way to strike up a conversation in an attempt to attempt to be friendly.
Pinkie picked up her pace a bit to walk ahead of Shinobu.
Shinobu wasn't about to be left in the dust. Like Pinkie, she wanted to make this walk as un-awkward as possible, so she decided to match Pinkie's pace to see if she could try and relate to the mare.
But no topics came to her. Instead of talking to Pinkie, she started walking faster ahead of her.
Pinkie couldn't help but feel like that she'd been snubbed by Shinobu and picked up her pace some more, pulling ahead and leaving Shinobu behind her.
Then Shinobu passed her on the road.
This continued on and on until the two mares started sprinting down the road, racing each other through town.
The peaceful, early morning routines of the ponies in town were interrupted by the racing mares who created all manners of chaos in their steps.
Pinkie diverged from Shinobu to take her own route to her destination. She had a full head of steam going, and couldn't stop herself from running.
She zipped by Mrs. Cake, who was taking the twins out for a morning stroll, and greeted them with a happy, "Hi, babies!" She zipped by the candy shop, snatched a few chocolates as she dropped her bits in the pocket of the mare who was setting them up in their display stands and ran back to her precious twins, gave them the chocolate, and continued her mad dash to the library, all without stopping.
The library came into sight, and tried to slow down, but her momentum couldn't be stopped. She had become an unstoppable juggernaut, and the door stood no chance against her charge.
As Pinkie broke through the door, she could see that all of her friends were present as well. Along with that, somepony else broke through the window at the far end of the room at the same time she burst through the door.
"Made it," Pinkie shouted, at the same time as the other pony who came through the window.
This other pony turned out to be Shinobu, who looked at Pinkie as she looked back, both of them equally confused.
"What are you doing here," Pinkie asked the pegasus she had been trying to outrun.
"I got this note saying I should be here at eight-thirty. What about you? Same," Shinobu said as she presented a piece of paper with Spike's hoofwriting on it.
"You all got the same note," Twilight said, effectively clearing up what was sure to be any confusion that would ensue. "I called you all here because I have something that I want to announce.
"Whatever could it be, Twilight," Rarity asked, "It's not anything serious, is it?"
"No, it's nothing serious. Actually, it's the complete opposite," Twilight assured Rarity.
"I can't wait to hear it," Fluttershy chimed in with a cheerful smile, "It would be so nice to have good news after what happened last night."
"Let's have it, Twi," Rainbow Dash said, eager to hear the good news.
Twilight cleared her throat before she began, "As you know, last night wasn't the most pleasant experience we've had."
That was true, as Dash and Applejack both groaned over their injuries. Applejack's leg had been bandaged, and Dash was so messed up that she couldn't fly home and had to spend the night with Fluttershy.
Dash had to admit that the stay there was enjoyable the way Fluttershy kept massaging her, though she didn't enjoy it the same way that Fluttershy did *ahem*.
Twilight continued her explanation.
"However, after speaking with the princesses, I think I've found the solution to help absolve this situation. It's something that I think will make everypony happy."
Twilight paused for only a second, and her friends in the room all grew more and more anxious to hear what she had to say.
Pinkie was literally bouncing up and down with anticipation.
"Shinobu's decided that she wants to be a part of our group."
"WHAT!?!?"
Nopony in the room could believe what they heard.
In all honesty, Shinobu didn't feel at all comfortable with the idea either. But after her talk with Twilight last night, she decided that it beat jail time or banishment.
"Surprise," Shinobu said, hoping to lighten the mood in the room.
But nothing could have been done do help at that moment. All Shinobu got were glares from five very irate ponies. Even the normally passive Fluttershy was sending her a death stare. But none of them could compare to the looks that Applejack and Rainbow Dash were sending her, as both mares were still holding grudges over the injuries they'd sustained.
"So, in order for everypony to get better acquainted with our new friend: she's going to spend a small part of the day with each one of us," Twilight finished up. She knew for a fact that none of her friends would ever go for an idea like this, but she had to at least try.
"Alright. But she ain't workin' with me first," Applejack said. Her reluctant acceptance of the proposal sparked a chain reaction, and the others grudgingly agreed as well.
"I'm not ready to forgive her either, so she can keep away from Fluttershy's place," Dash said after Applejack finished. And even though she said nothing, Fluttershy agreed with Dash.
"Okay," Twilight said as she picked the next friend to accompany Shinobu, "Rarity?"
"No."
That was all that Rarity had to say to make her stance perfectly clear.
There was only left one pony for her to be with for the day.
Everypony in the room looked right at Pinkie.
Pinkie's gazed zipped between all of her friends as she comprehended what had been silently decided by all of them.
"No! Nonononono, nooooooo," Pinkie said as she waved her hooves in front of her.
"I'm so sorry, darling, but it seems that you've drawn the short straw on this," Rarity said sympathetically.
Pinkie couldn't believe her rotten luck. Now she had to spend even more time with Shinobu!? It was an outrage! The day already started out bad, but now it was very quickly spiraling downward.
"Okay, so have fun you two," Twilight said as she pushed them both out the door so that they could get to their friendly bonding as quickly and with as little say in the matter as possible. The way Twilight saw it, the fewer protests, the better.
Once outside, Shinobu decided that she'd better break the ice. She decided to start by asking what Pinkie wanted to do.
"So, what do you--"
Her question was cut off by an obnoxiously loud party horn being blown so hard that it made her mane blow backwards. This was followed by the great granddaddy of all party poppers being popped right in her face, covering her with streamers and making an annoying ringing sound in her ears.
"Welcome to Ponyville. There's your party. Now you can try and be my friend by helping me at work today," Pinkie said, but she had none of her bounce in her voice. Though she still had it in her step, as she merrily bounced to work with Shinobu in tow.
They entered the gingerbread building and found Mr. Cake in the back working on some cupcake dough.
"Pinkie! It's such a relief to see that you're safe after what happened last night." His relief turned to fear as soon as he saw Shinobu come through the doors. "Uh, Pinkie...You know who that is behind you, right?"
"Absolutely-positutely," Pinkie answered, still without her usual bubbly tone. "You can go take care of things out front, Mr. Cake. Me and Shinobu, my new 'friend ,' can bond while we make cupcakes."
"Well, alright. Far be it from me to judge who you make friends with," Mr. Cake said as he left the kitchen by walking along the walls.
As soon as he left, Pinkie took over the cupcake mixture that Mr. Cake had been working on.
Meanwhile, Shinobu looked around as she tried to get her bearings on this place. It didn't look too intimidating, it actually looked pretty nice in there. Almost like the kitchen in one's own home instead of some business.
"We already have everything we need to make cupcakes on the counter, so let's get cracking," Pinkie said. She decided that may as well start by coaching her new friend on how to make the pastries.
Before Pinkie could even start, Shinobu opened a cabinet and began tossing bowls onto the counter. She then proceeded to swiftly mix the ingredients at a speed that only Pinkie could manage.
Pinkie watched in awe as Shinobu added everything as if she'd been doing it her whole life. She used everything that she did when making cupcakes, right down to counting to four after adding the vanilla. And with a graceful whoosh, Shinobu collected the cupcake tray and poured the batter into each slot, opened the oven and put them inside, all in a single movement. She then set the time and temperature before she turned to face an awed Pinkie.
"A big part of warrior training is doing small, menial things like making pastries," Shinobu said nonchalantly.
Her words struck Pinkie's nerves hard. Baking was many things, but 'menial' wasn't one of them. That would imply that it was easy, mindless work. It required skills that took day after day of practice to hone. And not all things could be baked the same way, so they required new skills to be learned to complete the process.
Pinkie wasn't going to take that slandering statement lightly. Baking was sacred to her, and she was going to defend its honor. "Alright, Miss Made-Cupcakes-Before: since you have those mastered, let's see how you handle something a bit harder."
"What did you have in mind," Shinobu asked, intrigued at the proposition of a challenge.
Pinkie got out a new plethora of ingredients, in addition to the ones that she already had out, so that they could make the next pastry. What she got out was some oranges, corn starch, salt and butter.
"Let's see how you handle a round with some orange meringue pie," Pinkie said triumphantly.
Orange meringue pie was one of the more difficult things to make, and it would be a good test to see who the real queen of confectioneries was.
Pinkie's hooves whirred through the process of making the crust and the meringue, both at the same time. She gave Shinobu the instructions on what to do as she did it, and soon had a masterful pie laid out before her.
That is, except for the small chip in the pie crust, which Pinkie quickly evened out by making small chips around the rest of the crust to create a pleasant display.
"Looks easy enough," Shinobu said as she readied her ingredients.
Pinkie smirked at her flippant attitude. There was no way she'd get it on her first try.
Shinobu quickly made the pie crust, but Pinkie wasn't worried. That was the easy part.
"Let's see," Shinobu said as she looked over the ingredients for the filling. She raised her hooves, and Pinkie eagerly awaited her attempt to make the meringue. And her hooves just hovered there.
Pinkie continued watching, waiting for her to make a move.
But Shinobu just left her hooves motionless.
That made Pinkie begin to sweat and tremble, and soon a part of her told her that Shinobu was doing that on purpose.
"Just make the filling already," Pinkie shouted.
And with that, Shinobu's hooves shot into action.
It seemed that she had been paying very close attention to Pinkie, because she copied Pinkie's actions almost exactly as she had executed them.
At the end of it all, Shinobu even made a pie with a small chip in the crust the same way Pinkie had done. She even created the same symmetrical chipping around the edges to make it more aesthetically pleasing.
"You're right: that is challenging. It was pretty fun, actually," Shinobu said as she fanned the pie with her wings.
Pinkie should have been delighted to meet a mare who enjoyed baking as much as she did, but it wasn't so. The idea that this hussy was on par with her was unbearable.
It was time for the gloves to come off.
When Shinobu looked up from her from her pie after it had been sufficiently cooled, she saw Pinkie standing with an entire arsenal of ingredients and cooking utensils behind her.
"Of course you realize: this means war," Pinkie declared, in the manner of a certain duck who's name she couldn't quite put her hoof on. "You like challenges? Here's one: whoever makes the better dish gets to put it on the menu!"
"Deal."
The time passed and the two mares created more and more difficult confections.
If Pinkie made a batch of eclairs, Shinobu shot back with a sheet of baklava, which was countered with a whole stack of croquembouche, which was retaliated with a colorful plethora of macarons.
Their competition kept up until the entire kitchen was filled with advanced-level pastries, all of which were put out on display and promptly sold.
Both mares glared at each other as they panted with exhaustion over their nearly finished goods.
Pinkie had in her hooves, a perfect example of a molten lava cake, while Shinobu held an almost finished, immaculate baked alaska.
The two eyed each other, daring one another to make a move.
Pinkie decided to make the first move by drizzling the chocolate syrup on her creation, as Shinobu lit a match and applied it to the baked alaska, setting it aflame. A flap of her wings snuffed it out quickly.
Mr. Cake stepped back into the kitchen to resupply the front area. "I don't know what's gotten into you two, but business is booming thanks to all this great new stuff you've been making," he congratulated the mares.
They didn't acknowledge him as he spoke. They only wanted one thing from him, and he was about to give it.
"And Shinobu: keep making those little flaky things. They're selling like cup cakes out there." And he left the room, thinking that maybe she wasn't so bad after all.
Shinobu gave Pinkie a smug grin, as she was the one who had gotten Mr. Cake's approval for the new things on the menu.
After so much anguish, it was then that Pinkie finally cracked.
With a mighty boot, Shinobu landed outside the building.
Back in the kitchen, Pinkie decided that she no longer liked her new look if it meant that she had to look like the enemy. She shook her clothes off, which all landed in the trash, and then put her hoof in her mouth. Blowing hard, she inflated her mane, which popped loudly as it changed back into its usual pink, cotton candy form.
Outside, Shinobu stood back up and rubbed her aching sides.
"Ow...Talk about a sore loser," she said as she dusted herself off and ruffled her feathers. "Might as well see what the snobby one's up to."
"Hey, I'm looking for Carousel Boutique. A friend of mine's working there, and I wanna visit."
During her talk with Twilight last night, she learned much about her friends, such as what they were like, what they did for a living, and where they worked. But after a bit of walking, Shinobu realized that she didn't know exactly where Rarity worked, so she asked for directions from a couple of passing ponies.
All the two of them did was cower before Shinobu before one of them pointed her down the road towards a building that looked like a grand carousel.
"Thanks."
And the two ponies ran off like a shot, fearful for their lives.
Shinobu stepped inside, as a small jingling of a bell signaled her arrival.
"Coming," came a voice from the back. From the back room came Rarity with her glasses on and measuring tape around her neck, "Welcome to Carousel Boutique, where everything is chic, unique and magnif--" Rarity gasped sharply. "You!" She said accusingly.
"Me," Shinobu answered.
She took another moment to look around at the building she entered. It was much different from the bakery she was just in. This place felt more like it was something out of a young princess's design catalog. Or at least from someone who had delusions of grandeur about being nobility. Her attention snapped to Rarity when she heard her clear her throat.
"Did you come here for something," Rarity asked suspiciously. After what she'd done, there was no way she'd believe that she just came here to visit.
"We're supposed to get along, so I'm just visiting, I guess."
There it was. Rarity was not about to spend another moment with this violent, uncouth ruffian, so she decided to turn her away.
"I'm sorry, but I'm very busy today. If you're not here to shop, then good day to you," she said as she turned her back on Shinobu.
Shinobu naturally felt irritated at Rarity's attitude towards her, but she decided to persist in her friendliness and not threaten her like she felt like doing. She flew in front of Rarity to try and change her mind.
"Look, princess: I'm not too eager to be in this frill factory. But as long as I'm living here, I might as well try to make some friends."
"Then I suggest you start with the front door," Rarity said with finality. She stepped into her sewing room and slammed the door in Shinobu's face.
With a 'hmph' Rarity returned to the project that she'd been working on, but not without a little surprise. As soon as she turned back to her sewing table, she shrieked when saw Shinobu standing there.
"Don't bust a vein. The window was open," Shinobu said as she indicated the open window behind her.
Rarity promptly closed the window and reopened the door for Shinobu to leave.
"As delightful as it is that you've chosen to visit my boutique, I must request that you make your departure," Rarity said in her ever-refined tone, though it was clear that she was trying to keep her composure from cracking.
"Which are you? Merriam or Webster," Shinobu said with a smirk.
This joke did not go over well with her audience, however.
"You, madam, are trespassing! And I shall have to summon the guards if you do not vacate this premises," Rarity ordered.
"Careful, you might chip a hoof as you 'depart your property,'" Shinobu said, her smirk growing larger and larger as she teased Rarity. It seemed to be working the way that Rarity began checking her hooves.
"Have I," she gasped.
Hearing how distraught she was over something so small made Shinobu smile. She stepped over to Rarity and put her hoof back on the ground.
"You said you were busy earlier, didn't you? Why don't I help you out around here? I have experience making clothes," Shinobu suggested. Rarity looked Shinobu over from head to hoof.
"You have experience?" Rarity asked in disbelief.
"Yeah. Who do you think made this outfit?"
"If I had to venture a guess: a blind drunk with no teeth and only one hoof," Rarity thought.
She didn't like the idea of working with an assassin (other than Travis, of course), but she realized that she may have some use for her. She decided to accept Shinobu's help and put her to work.
"Very well," Rarity said as she directed Shinobu to the nearby fabrics. "I've decided to start making a line of casual wear as a change of pace. Unfortunately, I haven't the slightest idea of how to do so."
"You can't be serious," Shinobu deadpanned. What could be more simple than a pair of jeans and a t-shirt, or something else to that effect?
"You try spending your life creating gowns and suits, then see how you do when you suddenly shift your direction," Rarity said with a huff.
Shinobu rolled her eyes and the two began their work on the casual wear.
It started with the two of them drawing up plans for what they wanted to make. Shinobu came up with something simple, just a pair of jeans and a tank top. Rarity decided to go with something more feminine, conceiving a design for a sundress to be worn on picnics and other sunny day outings.
They both worked in relative silence, with only a request for a pair of shears, or a few pins being spoken.
There were also attempts to make conversation, but they always fell short.
After a few minutes, the two presented one another with what they'd made. Shinobu's was much more in line with the 'casual' idea that they were going for. It was just a plain white tank with a pair of blue jeans. Nothing special, but definitely casual.
Rarity, on the other hoof, didn't have very much luck with her project. Instead of the sleeveless, solid pink dress that she intended, she ended up making it with long sleeves and too many frills and ruffles, which made it look like some old fashioned nightgown.
"Just how much of a shift is this for you," Shinobu asked after she appraised the design. She placed her outfit onto the table and spread it out for Rarity to see. "It's not that tough. All you need to do is think as minimalist as possible."
"You mean, as few sequins and jewels as allowable, with only one or two ruffles," Rarity asked.
Shinobu almost didn't think she was serious, but the look on the white unicorn's face stopped her from asking.
"Forget the jewels, and forget the sequins. The ruffles are fine, but only if you use a few. Here, I'll show you," and Shinobu quickly drew a shirt with three large frills that covered the entire front of it.
"That's your idea of a design," Rarity said as she wrinkled her nose at it, "It looks like the underside of a crab dinner." To her, it brought to mind not a pleasant, sunny day, but rather a griffin's carnivorous diet.
"Alright, princess. Let's see what you can come up with," Shinobu challenged as she gave the pencil she held to Rarity.
Rarity looked at the blank canvas, her mind equally bereft of any details. She looked at the articles of clothing that Shinobu made, and then at her own dress. Then she looked at the design that Shinobu had just drawn, trying to get ideas from any one of them. An idea sprang into her mind.
"That's it!" Rarity declared triumphantly as her artistic muse came alive. She drew a new concept and came up with a simple cardigan sweater.
"It looks pretty nice," Shinobu complimented, "But why don't we make it together, so you can get a better grasp on the concept of 'casual?'"
That was sure to be a friendly bonding experience. But even though she meant well, it seemed that Rarity had misinterpreted what the pegasus meant when she offered her help.
"I beg your pardon! I am one of the most talented seamstresses in all of Equestria! I don't need help on something as simple as a cardigan," she said, with an uppity tone that made Shinobu take a step back.
Shinobu would have protested, but she decided that the best way to make this pomp understand that she needed help was to let her go it alone.
Rarity worked privately on her sweater behind a screen, for fear that Shinobu would offer her help again.
As she worked, Shinobu decided to see how the clothes that she made fit. She took off her ninja gear and put on the tank and jeans. She turned from side to side, so she could properly admire her work in the mirror in the room. She had to admit that for just a simple throw together, she looked pretty good in it. Then, she heard Rarity's screen slide open and turned to look at what she'd made.
It was supposed to be just a cardigan, but this thing was made of blue velvet, had loads of laces and frills, gold buttons and a delicate satin lining.
"What do we think," Rarity asked, just knowing that Shinobu would be dazzled.
It was not so, however.
Shinobu only shook her head at the sight of the thing.
"Hold up the dress next to it," she requested.
Rarity didn't understand why, but she did so anyway to see where this was going. She grew very fearful as Shinobu drew her sword.
"Let me show you something."
Rarity screamed as Shinobu swung her sword at her.
After a few seconds, and Rarity found herself unharmed, she looked around herself to find shreds of fabric all around her. Then she looked up at the two articles of clothing she made to find that they had been significantly altered.
The sundress no longer had sleeves, and the frills and ruffles had all been cut off, giving the dress a much more plain appearance. The cardigan had its lace and frills cut off as well, along with the gold buttons, though the satin lining remained intact to her relief.
"That's casual," Shinobu said concisely.
Rarity looked in horror at what she'd done. Her heart was still racing from what had just happened, and now she was being told how to do her job!? It was an outrage! A scandal! A catastrophe! She could no longer stand the pegasus's company. She forcefully turned Shinobu around and pushed her out of the room.
"Thank you! Your services will no longer be required!"
And the door was slammed behind her.
"And when I try to be nice!" Shinobu said as she walked to the front door.
She then realized that she was still wearing the outfit that she'd made and decided to keep it since it looked so good on her. But there was the matter of the cost of the fabric. Cloth and denim weren't that expensive, so she left what she thought it was worth in a compartment behind the register before leaving.
Shinobu stepped outside and decided who she should visit next.
The only ones left, were Applejack, Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash. She groaned when she realized that two of them would be none too happy to see her, and that she couldn't avoid them for fear of seeming like she brushed them off
With a sigh, Shinobu made her way down the road to her next destination. This was going to be a very, very long day for her.
Author's Note
Yes, that line 'You got a problem, Pinkie,' was taken from Aladdin. I'm a Disney fan, and that one is my favorite animated movie. Favorite live-action Disney flick is Curse of the Black Pearl. And I don't care what people say, I thought Stranger Tides was great.
And for anyone who was confused during Pinkie's conversation with Jeanne, toms and mollies are the proper names for male and female cats respectively (kind of like mares and stallions, or hens and roosters).
Those things that Shinobu and Pinkie make, by the way, are amazing. They are difficult to make, so if you feel like you're up to it, make them. I haven't made some of them, so I'll have to get my recipe book off the shelf again.
Stay tuned for part two of the Mane 6 trying to make friends with Shinobu. Rock on \m/
No More Heroes: Friendship is Fucked!!
Chapter 14: First Lessons of Combat
Chapter 14
First Lessons of Combat
Travis scoffed at the misleading title of this chapter. He knew that the more astute readers would realize that a few chapters ago, it was mentioned that he had been training Pinkie, but was seriously holding back on it. The more appropriate title should have been 'The First Real Lessons of Combat.'
Also, this title didn't end with a plural like all the other ones did. Sure it had a plural word in it, but it still didn't fit with the whole pretentious auteur bullshit this jackass had while he was naming every chapter without an assassin fight.
Another thing that got on his nerves: where was the chapter where he was training Pinkie to convey that he was holding back while training her? Or the chapters where he was learning about Equestria, Ponyville and all of his friends for that matter? That was just lazy writing by a guy who couldn't wait to get into the action like some over eager badass wannabe! And what about all of the people who wanted to read that stuff?
"Travis! Quit being such a nit-picky nelly," Pinkie interjected, ending Travis's stream on consciousness, "They've all had fun reading up to this point, so what does it matter if they missed a chapter or two?"
Travis had to agree. Pinkie was right. After all, why would anyone still be reading up to this point if they weren't enjoying what they saw so far. Unless they were waiting for a really, really smutty chapter, with graphic details about pony anatomy and (possibly deviant) sexual behaviors.
"Sorry, smut-monkeys, but this isn't that kind of story," Pinkie apologized to seemingly nopony, which made a nearby couple trot past her a little faster.
In addition, about a hundred readers quit following the story.
After Travis discarded the garbage he collected, and got his payment for the job, he and Pinkie went to start their lesson.
"So where are we going to fight? Do we go to the gym and pump iron, push it to the limit and walk along the razor's edge," she asked excitedly. "But don't walk too hard, because those things are crazy sharp," she cautioned.
"We're not going to the gym, Pinkie. I never take Spike and Dash there, because a real fight can happen anywhere," Travis explained.
Often when he was training with Thunder Ryu, they'd take field trips into the dangerous parts of Santa Destroy and its neighboring cities to test Travis's skill level. The problem was that here in Equestria: there weren't many dangerous places besides the Everfree Forest. Because of this, Travis had to get creative when it came to a teaching environment.
The golf course at the Trottington Country Club in Canterlot was a tranquil place where the well-to-do nobles and other assorted high society ponies went to enjoy the tranquil scenery and peaceful atmosphere. And on occasion, they would play a round of golf or two to help pass the time while basking in the serenity of the place.
Today, Lord Foie Gras was having the best game of his life so far. The lord had done what most thought impossible: two hole in ones in a row. And he was going to see if he could make a streak of three.
He teed his ball, grasping the club with his magic and lined up his shot.
With a calculated swing, his ball flew in a graceful arc towards the hole on the green.
He watched the ball anxiously, practically willing a hole in one in the hopes that he could set some kind of record at the club.
Then the unexpected happened.
A scruffy looking unicorn stallion in shabby clothes stepped onto the green just as the ball bounced next to him, giving him a jump.
"Hey! You're supposed to yell 'fore,' dick hole," he yelled across the way.
Lord Foie Gras clenched his teeth, and nearly bent his club in frustration had another disaster not happened.
When they were making their way to their destination, Travis shared some helpful tips with Pinkie for a proper fight. The one that she took to heart was that when beginning a fight, you don't just approach it, you make your presence known to your enemy with a grand entrance to let them know that you're a force to be reckoned with.
An explosion sounded behind the nobles, and a pink blur surrounded by confetti and streamers came rocketing out of a cannon past them all and towards the unicorn on the green.
Before the blur even reached him, Travis pulled the flag out of the hole and swung it at the flying object.
Travis didn't swing with all his force, since he didn't want to hurt Pinkie, but even that may have been a bad idea.
As she flew through the air, Pinkie caught the flag as it came at her and gave Travis such a forceful smash, it knocked him backwards. In fact, she hit him so hard that the flag snapped right in half.
When Pinkie landed, she grabbed the other half of the flag, and took a combat stance as Travis got to his hooves.
He drew the Tsubaki and swung at Pinkie. He warned her that the lessons may be very dangerous, and the risk of injury was high, but he had no intentions to actually hit her. Not that this was going to be a problem.
Pinkie easily blocked his strikes with the two pieces of the broken flag. Even though she was just a beginner, she was blocking like a pro, the way her moves flowed from one strike to the next.
Travis decided to up the ante on this. He started swinging the Rose Nasty at her, to test her ability to dodge as well as block.
Two blades were no problem to be blocked, but the presence of a third forced Pinkie to start moving.
Over and under the blade she went, bypassing every attack she couldn't block.
Soon, their fight expanded to the entire span of the green.
Pinkie devised a new strategy to combat the factor of a third blade. As one blade of the Rose Nasty came at her, she threw one half of her flag at Travis like it was a javelin and caught his sword from his magical grip.
In turn, Travis caught the projectile flag pole and swung at her with that.
Pinkie kept up her strategy to catch Travis's weapons as she discarded her own, creating a mad juggling spectacle that would have been impressive if it weren't so terrifying.
Terrifying for Lord Foie Gras, that is. He had entered the fray and crawled under the action across the green to the hole. He truly did want to make the record at the club for most consecutive hole in ones, and he was determined to find out if he had accomplished that. The lord let out a terrified squeal when the Tsubaki flew directly over him. Finally, he made it to the hole and peered in.
Yes! Hole in one! A personal record, and it was all his! He took the ball out and triumphantly held it high from his prone position to show it to his colleagues back at the tee.
"Thanks Mr. Fancy Pants," Pinkie said to him.
That confused Lord Foie Gras, as anypony with any sense at all could see that Fancy Pants looked completely different from him. But it stopped mattering to him when he saw her wind up for a buck.
Pinkie's hooves shot out and sent the ball flying to Travis's head.
The ball was easily blocked, but the next projectile was not so easily parried.
Pinkie had loaded herself into her cannon again, and fired herself at Travis with a deafening explosion.
Travis's swords were tied up with attacking and blocking, so he didn't have time to anticipate Pinkie's impact.
She hit him hard and sent the two of them flying right towards the main building way in the distance.
The patrons at the club house's dining area looked out the window after the first explosion sounded, but disregarded it when they couldn't seen the source of the noise.
After the second time, their attention was recaptured, and this time they saw two large objects flying right towards the windows. Some of the patrons recognized one of them as the stallion who, along with a pegasus and a dragon, trashed the business district and destroyed the museum.
Everypony ran for the doors and before Travis and Pinkie came through the window, the entire building was cleared out.
When the two landed, Pinkie was on top of Travis, hungrily kissing him.
During the fight outside, Pinkie felt a fire growing inside of her that became so intense she nearly exploded. The second shot from the cannon was what pushed her over the edge. As soon as she hit Travis, her passion unleashed itself and she rammed her tongue down his throat before they even hit the ground.
She knew that this wasn't good for her training, but she didn't care as long as she was with her coltfriend.
Then she felt her fire begin to dwindle, and she needed to do something to rekindle it.
Travis felt like kind of a pansy for being the one on the bottom, but what the hell. This was Pinkie he was with. Sweet, saucy, gentle, horny-for-battle, perfect-in-every-way Pinkie.
Well, nearly perfect. The way that she was raising a golf club over her head was a bit disconcerting.
Before she brought it down on him, Travis magically grabbed a silver platter and smacked her face with it.
Pinkie's head rattled with the platter, stunning her and giving Travis time to put his rear hooves on her stomach and launch her across the room.
Pinkie rolled to a stop across the floor, shocked that Travis would hit her, but at the same time, sickly delighted. It wasn't getting hit that she enjoyed, because let's face it: nopony liked getting hit. It was the act of attacking others, and the desire for retaliation that got her heart racing. She almost started foaming at the mouth at the thought of the fight escalating, and needed to do something to take it there. She started by bucking a bunch of tables at Travis.
Travis cut the tables that he didn't dodge, and was barely able to perceive Pinkie hopping across the tops of the tables as they slid towards him.
She jumped off the table, and over Travis's head just as he sliced the legs of the table off.
Pinkie tried to kick the back of his head with a fluid somersault, but this was offset by her missing completely and spinning wildly until she landed behind one of the overturned tables.
Travis charged the table, ready to buck it away and smash Pinkie against a wall, but a surprise awaited him as soon as he got close.
Pinkie shot out from behind the table, holding a portion of the length of the tablecloth between her hooves.
Once Travis was in her reach, she wrapped the cloth around his throat and pulled the back of his neck to the edge of the table.
As Travis struggled against the choke hold Pinkie had on him, she leaned down and kissed him.
Unfortunately, that situation brought up some very uncomfortable memories for Travis. Chloe Walsh came to mind, except instead of being poisoned, he was being choked during a makeout.
Travis could practically feel his face turning blue, so he tried to break from of Pinkie's passionate stranglehold. He grabbed her shoulders and flipped her over the table to try and loosen her grip on him.
No good.
Pinkie spun herself around in mid-air so that the tablecloth stayed wrapped around Travis's neck, and as soon as she landed she began kissing him once more.
This was becoming way too much for Travis, and he now regretted not laying out some ground rules for her. Or at least coming up with a safe word.
Travis meant it when he told Chloe that he didn't have a bondage kink, and this was just another reason to add to the list.
Shit, this wasn't even bondage, because that would imply consent, or that some pleasure was being gotten out of it.
He tried a few more attempts to slip out of the choke, but she always anticipated his movements, moving in tandem with him like some kind of sadistic dance.
A new idea popped into Travis's head.
He drew the Blood Berry and used it to sever the tablecloth.
As soon as he was free from her, he bucked Pinkie across the room, and through the kitchen doors.
"Fuck," he gasped as he caught his breath. He then went through the doors to continue the training session.
As soon as he did, he realized the mistake of sending Pinkie into the kitchen. He was now on her turf.
Once he burst through the doors, he saw that Pinkie was waiting for him with an entire array of cutlery, utensils, and various cooking ingredients.
Two stoves on either side of her flared up violently, surrounding Pinkie with an aura of fire. As the fire roared around her, she took a knife and ran the flat of it along her cheek. When it reached her chin, she licked the blade ever so lightly as she shot Travis a 'come hither' look, daring him to attack.
"Holy shit! I know how to pick 'em," Travis thought. Seeing Pinkie like that, intimidating as if she was simply one of the powers that be, turned him on so much it was scary. It must have been how Pinkie felt while fighting.
Pinkie ended her theatrics by kicking a fully loaded knife block at Travis.
The knives all made a beeline for his face, which he deflected to the side.
The knives were taken care of, but the wooden block was still coming right for him.
This was rectified with by holding his sword directly in front of his face.
The block was severed in two, and both pieces simply diverged around him.
The two charged each other to begin a close quarters battle.
Travis found Pinkie's fighting style to be erratic and unpredictable to say the least.
Whenever she ducked out of sight, she reappeared in the most unexpected place. It wasn't like what Dash did to him, but it was more like when she disappeared, she came popping out of a fridge and slammed the door in his face, or she would come out of a cabinet and smash his head between two frying pans.
Pinkie began using her environment to her advantage by picking up anything that she could find and throwing it at Travis.
The volley that Pinkie sent his way was so dense that he had to use all of his swords against it.
Her tactics wore his magic thin, which let some of the projectiles get past his swords.
Of all the things to get past, he saw that Pinkie had thrown a metal sheet full of still steaming hot croissants at him.
Travis's magic was tied up, and his swords were still blocking for him.
He did the only thing he could do: catch the blazing hot tray in his hooves and throw it back at her.
Pinkie caught he hot tray as it came at her and bounced it back and forth between her hooves, and all the while, she tried not to lose a single croissant on it.
She saw Travis advancing with his swords drawn and tossed him the baking sheet as he got close.
"Whoah, shit," he yelled as he caught it with his hooves.
Pinkie tried to attack with a roundhouse, but this was countered by Travis passing the tray to her.
She almost felt betrayed by the fact that her coltfriend gave her a piping hot metal sheet.
When Travis tried to attack, she tossed the sheet directly upwards, grabbed Travis and switched places with him.
He caught the tray just as it came down on him, and burned his hooves once more.
Travis sheathed his weapons to focus his magic on the croissant sheet, he simply let it hover over the two of them as they continued their battle through the kitchen.
Pinkie grabbed the corner of a table and swung it so that it hit Travis and put itself between the two of them.
This also allowed the sheet of croissants to rest on it.
Pinkie took one from the sheet, bit into it and immediately grimaced.
It was everything that a croissant should not be: grainy, tasteless and entirely un-flakey. She forced herself to swallow her bite and looked at the baked abortion in her hoof.
"What is this!? Chalk!?" Pinkie asked, dumbfounded by the thought that such a thing could be considered baking.
With her guard down, Travis was able to have at her, and this time he wasn't going to let up.
In their previous training sessions he had always let Pinkie get a few hits in, but now that she had proven herself to be such a strong fighter it was time to stop going easy on her.
After so much abuse, Pinkie had to put a stop to Travis's repeated blows. She decided to unleash her full fury too. She was going to make Travis understand the true terror that was her party cannon.
It started with a slap to Travis's face, that spun him a complete 180.
The next thing he knew, something came down over his head. Something pony-sized, metal, and very constricting, like a trash can or an oil drum. But where the hell would an oil drum come from. Then again: this was Pinkie he was talking about.
"Oh, shit!" He thought as it dawned on him what this contraption may be, "She wouldn't!"
It turned out that she would.
Pinkie aimed her cannon at the wall that had the most obstacles in front of it and fired Travis through them all, and out the wall.
Travis landed in a concrete planter, rolled over the edge of it, and then landed once more on a flight of stairs.
He fell down a few of the stairs before he got his footing back.
Travis shot his gaze to the hole in the wall where he just came from to see Pinkie rushing out of it before she jumped through the air towards him.
Her hooves were spread wide, as if she were going to envelope Travis in a massive hug when she reached him. Her smile as she jumped was wide and jovial, and would have looked welcoming if it wasn't so scary, considering everything that happened up to this point.
Pinkie landed on Travis, and the two of them bounced down the rest of the steps towards the harbor by the lake.
They landed in a small, two pony canoe.
The force of their landing shook the boat loose of its rope, and sent the small boat across the water.
As they drifted out into the lake, Travis struggled to keep Pinkie pinned, knowing that if he let go she'd unleash hell.
It may have been the atmosphere of the setting, drifting on a peaceful lake in a boat for two under the afternoon sun, but Travis's will to fight soon waned and he eased his hold on Pinkie.
Apparently, Pinkie felt the same way, as she stopped struggling against Travis.
The two gazed at each other. The lingering knowledge in their minds that they would be separated made that moment a precious eternity to them.
Travis leaned down and kissed Pinkie.
They went on like this for several minutes as the boat drifted closer to the far shore in the shade of a grove of cherry trees. The boat rocked suddenly as it hit the shore and beached itself there. They would have stayed there forever if they weren't interrupted by a warm chuckle.
"Having a little too much fun training I see," came a familiar voice, regal and motherly.
When they looked up, the two saw Princess Celestia standing over them. She knew about Travis training Spike and Dash, since she and her sister always had to fix things after they destroyed half the city every so often, but seeing Pinkie learning to fight was a bit of a surprise, since she knew about her desire to make ponies smile. "I see that you have a new combat protege."
"I'm not a protege, Princess! I'm his marefriend," Pinkie said as she bounced out of the canoe.
Travis followed her shortly afterward. He was exhausted from the fight, and decided to simply direct Celestia to the demolished training ground.
"The country club across the lake's been pretty messed up. But I don't think its anything a few bursts of magic and a construction crew cant' fix," he said. It may have seemed presumptuous, but he was right. He heard how Ponyville was once devoured by a swarm of parasprites, and how Princess Celestia helped repair the damages with her magic.
"I'll see to it," the princess answered, "But I must insist that you choose a less populated area to train. I always worry that somepony may get caught in a crossfire." As far as she could tell, Travis was always very conscious of bystanders, because so far nopony got hurt during their training. But that still didn't mean that it couldn't happen.
She flew away to assess the damage.
Travis and Pinkie looked on until Pinkie grabbed Travis's shoulders and kissed him.
"Travis, we need to make chocolate syrup. Now," she demanded. It didn't matter where they did it, just that it happened as soon as possible.
Travis was almost positive that 'making chocolate syrup' was a euphemism. He had to admit: it would be a great way to wind down after their training session.
"Donut Joe's?" Travis asked, trying to think of an exciting public place to do the deed.
Without another word, Pinkie led him away by his hoof towards the city.
Author's Note
Travis is right. It is lazy of me omit those chapters, but the truth is that I have so much more fun writing the action-oriented chapters, because I love writing action scenes.
And of course Celestia helped repair Ponyville after the parasprite swarm. How else would the town get put back together in such a short time, unless the next episode took place several months from then. We're talking a little over a year from the looks of the town.
That's it for this chapter, have fun with the next one. Rock on \m/
No More Heroes: Friendship is Fucked!!
Chapter 15: Dreams in Darkness
Chapter 15
Dreams in Darkness
Shinobu's time at Fluttershy's house was the best she'd had in years. She never got to know any girls back home on a personal level, since she was always trying to hide her identity as an assassin, and the ones who got close to finding out ended up dead. It was such a relief to get to simply hang out and talk about whatever while spending time with a bunch of girls her own age. The activities they did mostly revolved around waiting on the injured Rainbow Dash.
There were also discussions about designs for casual wear and how Rarity could overcome her inability to make such clothing, but it was Dash who shed light on the situation. She reminded Rarity that she had made a very un-Rarity-like outfit a few weeks ago.
Rarity said that she had no recollection of the event, but Dash figured that it was because she was half asleep when she made it.
"That's it," Rarity declared, "Fluttershy, do you have any tea or coffee here?" She was already formulating a plan to overcome her handicap, and she knew exactly what she needed for it: she was going to stay awake all night, just like she did with Dash's clothes.
"I only have decaf," Fluttershy replied. She never did like caffeinated drinks. The way they made her heart pump faster, her hooves sweat and get all shaky, it was never a pleasant experience.
"Then I'll have to make some when I get home," Rarity answered, "Which should be about now, as I can feel myself growing drowsy."
Everypony then became aware of the hour. It was nighttime outside, and a quick look at the clock showed that it was just past eleven o' clock.
They all decided that it was time to turn in for the night, and said their goodbyes to each other as they exited Fluttershy's house.
"And Shinobu: I'll expect to see you at the boutique tomorrow for help on our line of clothing," Rarity said as they stepped outside.
"Count on it," was all that Shinobu said before she took to the air. She was brimming with glee at the idea of helping a friend with a collaborative project tomorrow. She'd never done anything like that since she was a little girl, which brought back a flood of feelings from those days.
The flight to Travis's house was over before she knew it, and she landed in front of the kitchen area and stepped in, hoping to find something to snack on before bed. The first thing she saw in the room was Travis and Pinkie at the table, dipping strawberries into a bowl of something.
"Hey, how'd it go today," Travis asked his live-in guest.
"Fan-tastic. I'm going to Rarity's tomorrow to help with her new clothing line."
"And Dash?"
"She's actually pretty cool when she's not pissed off at me. What about you two?"
"We made chocolate syrup today," Pinkie announced as she showed Shinobu the contents of the bowl they had out. Inside was a pool of thick, dark brown liquid, no doubt made to perfection, knowing Pinkie's skills. "We were going to dip strawberries in it. Here, try some."
Shinobu lightly dipped her hoof in it and licked it off. She was right: it was perfect.
"We made it in public, in Donut Joe's pantry," Pinkie proudly proclaimed.
That was a detail Shinobu didn't need to know. It made it sound like they were getting away with something dirty.
"We had sex when we finished."
Shinobu really didn't need to know that. She spat out the lick of syrup and started wiping her tongue off with her clean hoof, not wanting to think about what extra ingredients could have been added.
"I don't think she likes our love syrup," Pinkie said with a smile.
"I don't think I can get enough of this love syrup," Travis answered as he ate the first chocolate-covered strawberry. "We should do it somewhere more crowded next time. Like," Travis briefly thought about where to go next, "When's the next formal event at the castle?"
"Ugh! Freaks," Shinobu said disgusted. Was this what it would have been like if she had dated Travis? If so: Pinkie could keep him.
The late night festivities finished, and the three headed off to bed.
Shinobu went to her cabin, undressed and laid down on the bed, as she thought of the best ways to help Rarity tomorrow. Maybe this fashion thing was her calling, instead of the assassin gig she pursued after he dad was murdered. Or maybe nursing, like what she did with Rainbow Dash. She felt that to be pretty rewarding.
Whatever she chose to do to start a new life here, it was no doubt going to be great with friends like her's.
She soon began to grow more aware of the soft pillow and the warm sheets. The mattress had a few stray springs in it, but they were avoided by sleeping in the right position.
Soon Shinobu was asleep, peacefully dreaming of her future happy days.
At least, that's what she would have liked.
Shinobu awoke to find herself in a strange room, strangely vacant of any furnishings, though there were several other people in it. Not people actually, but there were three ponies, a griffin and a butterfly with her in there.
How did this happen? The last thing she remembered was sparring with Razor Edge, and then nothing up to that point. She then saw that the strangers were all waking up just as she was.
"Awe we having a nightmawe," asked the butterfly to nobody in particular. He looked to griffin and fluttered over to her, landing on her beak. "Pwease wake up," he pleaded, almost sounding like he'd start crying, "I don't wanna wose my big biwdie!"
"I'm alright, little buddy," the griffin answered. She gently nudged the older stallion to her side, "How about you, old timer? Still alive?"
"I feel like I got a swarm o' drunk parasprites buzzin' in my head," he said as he held his head in his hooves. "Who else ain't dead here," he quietly called to the remaining occupants of the room.
In response came a series of groans from everyone but Shinobu, who watched them all cautiously.
The two remaining ponies in the room, one almost looked like a pinup model, and the other looked more like she was in a band, both stood up and looked around the room.
"If I had to guess, I'd say we've been abducted," said the beauty queen. The one with her rolled her eyes at the obvious statement.
"No shit," she deadpanned, "You don't go walking to the market one second and end up in a strange room the next without foalnapping being a factor." She then noticed Shinobu in the room with them, "Who the fuck are you?"
Shinobu sprang to her hooves and readied to draw her sword in case they attacked.
The butterfly fluttered over to her. She didn't sense a threat from this insect, so she allowed him to approach her. He started fluttering back and forth in front of her face. "Awe you the one who bwought us hewe," he asked her, "If you awe, I'w go on a wampage and destwoy you!"
Shinobu stifled a laugh when she heard that. That little guy just seemed too gentle and cute to be suited for destroying others. And come on: he was a butterfly!
"Careful. That little fucker's crazy," the griffin cautioned, seeming to know what she was thinking. She approached Shinobu, taking note of the fact that the young pegasus was tensed up, ready to attack. She spoke again as the butterfly landed on top of her head, "I see: you think we're the enemy here."
Shinobu said nothing, but drew her sword slightly out of its sheathe, anticipating the large griffin to make a move. She'd never seen any of these people before, but her years of combat training allowed her to recognize at least a few of them as able combatants. For all she knew, they were waiting to attack her as soon as her guard was down.
"Please, dear, put your sword away before you get hurt," the beauty queen requested.
Shinobu hated that condescending tone of hers', but decided to listen to her. Still, she kept a careful eye on them.
"Much better. Now I suppose all we can do in the meantime is wait for whoever brought us here to show themselves."
"Present and accounted for," a deep voice boomed through the room.
"Who said that," the rock n' roll mare asked as she and everyone else drew their weapons and looked around the room for the owner of the voice, but found no one.
"I am the one who has summoned you all here."
"We were foalnapped by a speaker system," the older stallion asked, "Shit! We must be losin' our touch."
"Your skills are not diminished. This is the reason I have brought you all here: you are all the most powerful fighters in Equestria, and I have need of you," the disembodied voice answered.
"Lemme guess: ya found out the repairman's been cheatin' on ya with that saucy little record player next door," the older stallion said back. He began to cackle at his lame joke.
His laughter was cut off when something materialized in the room and slammed him against a wall. It disappeared too fast for anyone to see what it was, but whatever hit him knocked the wind out of him.
The butterfly flew over to him to see the damages.
"Awe you awight, gwandpa," he asked.
The older stallion coughed lightly as he gave his answer.
"We don't do special investigations."
"I've brought you all here because I need you for an assassination," the voice answered, "And don't try to deny your vocation. I know for a fact that you are all the most powerful fighters in Equestria, capable of matching even the Royal Sisters."
The seven in the room didn't know how he could have known that. The six unknowns had all been so careful to cover their identities as assassins, staying hidden, or eliminating witnesses.
Shinobu herself hadn't killed anyone since she arrived in Equestria, so how did this guy know?
"How long have you been watching us," the beauty queen asked, catching on to how he could have known.
"Long enough. As for how: I will only say that it's within my power to do what I wish. I am nearly a god, if you will," their captor responded.
"Somepony thinks highly of himself," the griffin thought as she rolled her eyes at the megalomaniac statement.
"I will now impart my request to you."
A hologram appeared in the middle of the room.
The hologram was of a two-legged creature, with a face like some kind of simian. It was clothed from head to toe in a jacket, shirt, a ratty pair of pants and shoes, with a pair of sunglasses to top it all off.
Six of the captives stared in wonder at what this creature before them was, but not Shinobu. She was surprised that Travis would appear in Equestria in any form.
"This is your target. He is Travis Touchdown, also known as the No More Hero. More importantly, he is the one who has taken away my shot at being number one in the UAA. It's your job to find him, and eliminate him."
"I think he's coo-coo," the butterfly said, "I've nevew seen a monkey wike that anywhewe. Not even at the Cantewot zoo, and they have evewything!"
"It's because that he is not from your world. He's from a world where there is no harmony, and friendships are used as leverage for personal gain."
Shinobu knew this to not be true. Her friendship with Strawberry Surprise had always been real, and was glad that she was such a flake that she never learned of her dark vocation.
"And how the fuck are we supposed to get him if he's in a different world," the rock n' roller asked skeptically. "Do you think we can just take a train?"
The disembodied voice let out a rumbling laugh, "He will come to you. And I know the way to lure him out."
The hologram of Travis was joined by more images of six mares that Shinobu didn't recognize.
"These are the Bearers of the Elements of Harmony. They are the ones who help maintain the balance of order in the world. If they are threatened, then so is the foundation of the world. If their peril is grave enough, they may go under the protection of the Royal Sisters."
None of the seven captives liked the sound of that. He was right about them being able to take on the Royal Sisters, but even the idea of doing so was insane.
"I realize that this is an unappealing proposal," the voice reassured, "But once they see that they are no match for you, they will summon outside help. The only one who can match you: Travis Touchdown."
"So that's it," the griffin said, catching on to his plan, "You're using us as live bait to bring your quarry out of hiding. That's pretty twisted, buddy. And I can't say that I approve of you bringing in strange fillies and butterflies that just stopped being a pupa. Besides, if you're nearly a god like you said, what do you need us for?"
"YOU WILL WATCH YOUR TONGUE, GRIFFIN," the voice rumbled as everyone in the room felt themselves hit with a sudden force which bounced them back and forth across the room. Through it all, none of them saw what was hitting them. "I AM THE POWER IN THIS ROOM!! YOU SHALL BE THE ONES WHO EXPOSE THIS LAND'S FOLLIES AND ABSURDITIES!!! AS LONG AS YOU SERVE ME, YOU WILL NOT QUESTION MY WILL!!"
The maelstrom stopped, leaving everyone confused, and in serious pain.
Shinobu cleared her head and looked around the room, trying to find what was hitting them all. A scan around the room showed nothing that could have possibly done the damage to them. She thought that maybe whoever the owner of the voice was, they must be some user of powerful magic.
They all heard the voice once more, "Maybe you would prefer the alternative solution?"
This sudden change in disposition made the captives uneasy. Any of them would have liked an alternative to what they were offered, but the way he suggested it so suddenly, and in such a calm tone put them on edge.
"There is a reason I've allowed you to keep your weapons: unless you accept my offer, you will be forced to fight to the death."
"You can't be serious," the beauty queen gasped as she looked to the rock n' roller.
Shinobu could see by the way she was looking that the two were very close, probably even sisters, and that the idea of one killing the other would destroy her.
"I am always serious," the voice answered, "And this is the way it will be if you do not accept. And even then, that will not be the end of your suffering. You will be trapped in an eternal loop of combat to the death until you do as I say."
Shinobu mulled over what she had just heard. She didn't like the idea of being manipulated by anyone, even the UAA. But as she looked at that image of Travis, her desire to be the one who defeated him began to overwhelm her. She had already made serious progress in her training, and with just a little more, she would finally be able to better him.
"We'll take the job," Shinobu said, surprising everyone else in the room.
"I'll be damned: she talks," the rock n' roller said.
"Very good," the voice responded, clearly pleased, "You will all fight your respective targets at the appropriate times. In the meantime, you will all be sent back to your daily lives."
"Well, hot damn. We can write our wills before we get killed," the older stallion said.
"Except for you, Marion Glastits," the voice commanded.
Shinobu tried not to laugh when she heard his name.
"You will be the first to eliminate your target: the Bearer of Laughter, Pinkie Pie."
As the voice divulged the objective, all of the holograms disappeared, except for Pinkie to indicate the target.
The stallion called Marion looked over his target, and wondered why he had to be the one to kill her. She looked so spirited and friendly, almost like the kind of pony who'd be genuinely delighted to meet you even if she never saw you before a day in her life.
"She can be found in Ponyville, working in Sugarcube Corner," came the rest of the details. "I will now take my leave of you. And don't you dare try to escape my employ, or there will be no measure to the suffering that will befall you."
With that, they all found themselves levitating off the ground, though there was no magic present in the room that could have been doing that.
With a whoosh Shinobu's world went black.
Less than a second later, Shinobu found that they were all now on a clifftop, overlooking a forest with a town in the distance. The sun was high, and a breeze blew past them all, making her feel relieved to be out of that cramped room.
"So, newbie," the griffin greeted her, "I guess if we're working together, you should get to know everyone."
The offer was made with the best intentions in mind, but Shinobu declined it.
"Forget it. Now listen up: I don't care who kills which Bearer, but Travis is mine. You all stay the hell away from him, or I'll have your head instead of his," she threatened the others.
Most of the others scoffed at her threat, but agreed half-heartedly.
The butterfly glared at her murderously, angry that she'd turn down such a kind offer.
But Marion smiled widely at her words.
"A lone wolf cutthroat. That Bearer of Loyalty'd love you. Here's hopin' ya get ta meet her." He then turned to face the town in the distance, "Guess I'd better get ta work."
He then jumped down the rocky outcroppings on the face of the cliff to the ground below and made his way to Sugarcube Corner. Meanwhile, the others all made their exits as well.
"Come on, little buddy. We should get you back to your garden," the griffin said to the butterfly who was resting on her talon this whole time. The two flew away from the scene, but not before the butterfly shot Shinobu one last glare.
"Come along, sister," the beauty queen said, confirming what Shinobu suspected earlier, "We have work to prepare for."
The two left in the direction down the side of the cliff to a dirt path at the bottom. As they left, Shinobu couldn't help but notice that the rock n' roll sister looked disdainful at being told what to do and then led around.
Shinobu was left alone at the top of the cliff.
"Travis," she reminisced to herself, "I now realize that I can never have you as my own, as a master, or anything more. I can no longer live in a past that didn't exist in the first place. I'm sorry, but from now on: you're my enemy. The one thing that is keeping me from becoming the greatest assassin who ever lived."
"But I don't want that anymore," she heard her own disembodied voice say.
Shinobu looked around for the source of that voice, and found herself face to face with Pinkie.
"Congraaaaaaatulations, Shinny," she cheered.
Shinobu groaned when she remembered being told that at some point, Pinkie was going to give her a nickname. But why did she have to pick something that sounded so stupid?
"You've just made the next step towards putting your past behind you and mending your ways to become a better pony in the end!"
In that moment, Shinobu was perfectly aware that she was dreaming, but she didn't care about it. She was delighted that now she'd be able to keep Travis, even if they were only friends. Having friends like him, or Pinkie, or Rarity and all the others: that was what mattered to her now.
Shinobu woke up in her bed, light as a feather and merry as a schoolgirl. She got out of bed, and put on her clothes, ready to face the day.
As soon as she put her shirt on, she saw out her window Travis and Pinkie making their plans for the day as they walked down the path through the cabins towards town.
Pinkie said that she was going to do a spa day with Rarity. Meanwhile Travis was going to go help Octavia give music lessons, and then go to the bar with his guy friends afterwards.
Shinobu watched them until they went out of sight, and lingered by her window, thinking about what else they might be up to with their friends. But she decided that she couldn't dwell on the happiness of others. She had to go meet up with Rarity to get started on that new clothing line. And after that, she didn't know. There was just so much to do.
Author's Note
Yes, the title of this chapter was taken from an episode of Batman: TAS. It happens to be one of my favorite episodes in the series. The show as a whole is fucking awesome (with the exception of a few episodes here and there, and I think season four). That's just my opinion though.
Also as far as opinions go: I don't know about you guy's, but I picture that disembodied voice in Shinobu's dream to be Orson Welles. Watch a few clips of Unicron from the Transformers movie that came out back in the 80's to see what I mean.
I hope that you all enjoyed this chapter. It was nothing special. It's only purpose was to convey a bit of backstory as to how Shinobu fell into assassinating Dash. Rock on. \m/
No More Heroes: Friendship is Fucked!!
Chapter 16: Things Change
Chapter 16
Things Change
A month had passed since Shinobu came to Ponyville, and things had been going well. Pinkie joined the combat lessons with Dash and Spike, who all became powerful combatants under Travis's tutelage. Even though the lessons were often interrupted by Pinkie's lustful antics, they all ended up becoming strong enough to graduate to the next level.
Shinobu had made several friends beyond Twilight and her friends, and soon became accepted as one of the ponies who walked the streets. She even helped Rarity overcome her weakness for casual wear, and the two decided to start a line of clothing together. It was by far the best time of her life, and maybe even the place she'd stay forever.
Twilight made her way through the streets to Sugarcube Corner for her morning cupcake, with Spike on her back along for the ride. He tried to decide between getting a gemified donut, or a gemified...what were those flakey things that Shinobu made? Oh yeah, 'baklava.' That was a strange name for them, since they didn't buck, and they didn't have any lava. Maybe it meant something in a different language? His mind then wandered to the gemified versions of all the new pastries they were selling.
As she trotted down the road, Twilight began to hum a little tune to herself. Her song had no words, but each note and pitch was inspired by the sights around her, of the birds in the sky, the ponies doing their daily routines, the new patches of grass where there was none before, and the flowers that had bloomed from their buds.
It seemed that the happy mood from her humming was catching on, as she felt Spike begin to bob his head to the rhythm of the music. The only way this morning could get better was if Twilight won the lottery, but given the odds on that, she had to be happy with what she had already. But she was fine with that. All the bits in the world would have meant nothing compared to how she felt now. Things truly were going well, and they were sure to keep up like this.
But you know how these stories work. Peaceful life, happy days, good friends. The town always has to be attacked by GIANT RED LETTERS FALLING OUT OF THE SKY
THE LETTERS SMASHED ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING IN THEIR WAY AS THEY DROPPED FROM NOTHINGNESS
"What the hay is happening," Rainbow Dash yelled as she was woken up hours early by the unnatural disaster. Her concern for the civilians and her friends flung her into action and she grabbed her beam katana before she rocketed from her bedroom into Ponyville down below.
As soon as she landed, A WALL OF LETTERS CAME AT HER FROM ABOVE TO SQUASH HER
"Oh, horse apples in a hat," she shouted as she flew through the center of a letter 'O.'
All around her, she could see the letters SQUASHING THE ENTIRE TOWN.
Worry clutched her mind, as the thoughts of her friends caught in this chaos fueled her drive to save them.
Dash flew through the streets, pulling anypony she could out of HARM'S WAY to somewhere safer. She grew more desperate in her search when she found no sign of her friends anywhere.
"Rainbow Dash!! Down here!!"
Dash looked to see Twilight and Spike holding off the attack of FLYING WORDS.
Twilight was bursting them apart with blasts of her magic when Dash arrived. She landed next to her friend and tried to get a bearing on what was happening.
"Where did this all come from!?!?" Twilight shouted.
"I don't know, but it seriously has to stop!" Dash said as she and Twilight destroyed MORE LETTERS.
THE ASSAULT OF WORDS GREW MORE AND MORE INTENSE, AND SOON THERE WERE TOO MANY COMING AT ONCE FOR THEM TO DEFEND AGAINST. IT LOOKED LIKE IT WAS THE END FOR THE THREE THERE.
"Gentoken!!!"
A volley of familiar energy blades cut through the dangerous words as Shinobu arrived with Rarity, who was relieved to see her friends unharmed and embraced them tightly.
"Where are the others," Twilight asked.
"Pinkie's with Travis! I don't know about the others," Rarity answered before she ducked in cover at a tremendously loud noise that happened very close by.
Dash flew high and out of sight from the group.
"No! Rainbow Dash, we need to stay together," Rarity pleaded, worried that her friend's reckless nature may finally be the end of her. Her fear was unfounded, as Dash came back after only a few seconds.
"Follow me!" Was all Dash said as she led the others away.
Though anarchy raged around them, none of them were injured as what came next dropped next to them BARELY MISSING ANY OF THEM.
Dash led them to their destination: the remainder of their friends.
Applejack, Pinkie and Travis all stood protectively around Fluttershy who cowered low to the ground, wishing this to just be some terrible nightmare.
At the sight of their friends, Twilight's group rushed over to Travis's, each one asking what was happening.
Nopony had a clue to what was happening, and panicked about what to do next.
Twilight tried to formulate an evacuation plan, but was interrupted by Travis.
"Jeanne!!" He yelled and would have ran off if Twilight didn't stop him.
"We need to stay together!" She tried to reason, but to no avail.
"Fuck that! My cat's over there!" He said angrily, desperately wanting to protect his pet.
Twilight saw that sure enough, Jeanne was amid the chaos around them, but as soon as Travis got close to her, she ran off with Travis following after her.
Twilight groaned as she realized they would have to put off their evacuation to keep Travis safe.
They all ran after him to find both him and Jeanne stopped in an alleyway.
"What're ya thinkin' runnin' off like that?" Applejack admonished. She would have gone on if she hadn't noticed what Travis and Jeanne were looking at.
It was a distorted piece of space, like the one that Travis came through when he first arrived in Equestria.
"What is that?" Pinkie asked wonderingly.
"That's our ticket to safety," Travis answered. "All of you: in!"
His friends all hesitated to do so. Twilight still needed to help evacuate the town.
"We need to help--" Twilight was cut off when more falling letters SMASHED BEHIND THEM ALL
"Get in there!" Travis yelled as he hustled them in.
One by one, his friends disappeared through the portal until it was down to him, Jeanne and Pinkie.
Pinkie stopped before she went in to kiss Travis, hoping that it wouldn't be their last. She went in, and after her, Travis picked up Jeanne and charged gung-ho.
"MOEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!"
A small mewling noise, accompanied by something soft and velvety rubbing against his face awoke Travis from unconsciousness. He opened his eyes and found himself lying on the ground in the sand with Jeanne pawing at his face to wake him up.
"Hey there, kitty girl," he groaned as he extended a hand to scratch her ears.
Wait a second: a hand!?
Travis got up from the dirt to find himself standing on two legs.
He felt his face, to find that it was no longer a pony's muzzle.
A feel of his head, and there was no trace of his unicorn horn.
A car then zoomed past him and Jeanne, making Travis take a startled step backwards.
He viewed his surroundings to find that he was on a long stretch of highway that seemed to go on forever in both direction. More distressing was that his friends were nowhere in sight.
"Jeanne, I've a feeling we're not in Equestria anymore," Travis said to his pet.
He turned around to see if there were any familiar landmarks, and boy did he find one.
On the side of the road, he saw a green road sign that indicated his hometown, Santa Destroy to be fifty-one miles down the road from where he was now. Below that was a second sign that someone must have nailed there that said, 'If you're going away from it, you're going the right way.'
Travis kicked a little dust, knowing that he had a very long walk ahead of him. He picked Jeanne up and put her on his shoulder to ride up there, just like when she was a tiny little kitten.
"This just keeps getting better and better, Jeanne. I wonder how the others are doing."
"What the buck is this!"
Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy both awoke to find themselves in a back alley somewhere, and totally didn't recognize each other when they did. Instead of their familiar pegasus forms, they both looked like some kind of giant monkey.
Worse than that, where the hay were their wings!?
"I can't live without my wings! That's my identity! It's who I am! Now what do I have!? These dragon claw things!? These things on my chest!? I'm a freak! A sideshow! A mutation," Rainbow Dash panicked.
As Dash flustered about, Fluttershy took the time to more closely examine her new form.
To Fluttershy, it wasn't all that bad. She often wondered what it was like to be a different species, and now she was living that fantasy. She then took notice of the fact that she and Dash were both fully clothed like how Travis always was.
"At least we look nice in these clothes," Fluttershy offered, trying to console Dash.
It seemed to work, when Dash stopped panicking to look herself over.
Dash's upper body was clad in a sky blue bikini top and a pair of black, fingerless gloves, and nothing else, which revealed a long scar that went up her side. Her legs were covered by a pair of tight-fitting jeans, which were held on by a belt that had her beam katana fastened to it, and a pair of blue sneakers on her feet.
Fluttershy was dressed simply, in only a solid yellow sundress, a pair of pink flip flops and a floral hairpin that held her bangs. Dash had to admit: she looked adorable in those clothes, even if she was a monkey.
"I guess there's that. So what do we do now?"
"I think we should try to find out where we are."
Dash agreed wholeheartedly, and tried to take to the sky out of habit.
"Rainbow Dash: we're monkeys now," Fluttershy gently reminded her friend.
Dash flushed red in frustration. This was going to take some getting used to.
Instead, she decided to take advantage of her simian body, and climbed a nearby drainpipe with some difficulty.
Fluttershy watched nervously, afraid that Dash may fall.
"Can you tell where we are?"
Dash reached the top and scanned the area. A short distance away, she saw a path through the alleyways to a street. But she couldn't recognize any landmarks that she saw up there. The entire surrounding area was completely foreign to her.
"Negative, Flutters!" Dash called from her high perch. "But I found a way out of this alley. It's just over that waaaay--!"
Dash yelled as the drainpipe she was on came loose under her weight. She fell over backwards off the pipe, and plummeted to the ground.
"Oh no! Rainbow Dash," Fluttershy yelled when she saw her friend falling, knowing that she had no wings to save herself.
Dash realized the same thing when her flight reflex failed to activate. The only option she had left was to right herself to her hooves. Or whatever it was she had now.
She only barely managed to twist mid-air to land safely before she hit the ground.
"Are you alright," Fluttershy asked, wide eyed.
Dash stood up from her crouching position and tried to hide her shakiness.
"Let's just get out of this alley," she said, as she clearly struggled to keep her voice steady after the harrowing experience.
The two made their way through the winding alleyways until they found themselves on a city street with other monkeys using the sidewalk.
"What do we do now," Fluttershy nervously asked.
"We try to blend in, I guess," was all Dash said as she tried to emulate the way they were all walking down the sidewalk.
Fluttershy grew more and more nervous by the second, and took Dash's hand to comfort herself. She didn't know why she felt so anxious there. None of the other monkeys seemed to acknowledge her and Dash, but she couldn't help but feel like they might be hostile. Maybe it was the way they had such harsh faces, and wore dark clothes.
"I want to go home, Rainbow," she said quietly in Dash's ear. She felt her worry leave her when Dash held her hand just a little tighter and her other hand on her shoulder.
"Don't worry so much, Flutters. I bet these guys are nicer than they look," Dash assured.
"Excuse me, but it looks like you ladies are lost," said a monkey as he walked up to them.
"See what I mean," Dash said as she got a better look at the Samaritan who approached them.
He was a tall monkey, with jet black hair and was wearing a dark suit. On his face, he wore a pair of thick glasses. But the features that stood out the most were the sword on his belt, and left arm appeared bulky and mechanical.
"If you'd like, I could take one of you on a walk across the dark side of the moon. And then we could make our dreams come true," he said as he presented a single rose to Fluttershy, who immediately hid behind Dash.
Dash rolled her eyes when she realized why this guy was talking to them. Sure, he seemed nice, but this wasn't the right time for a date.
"Sorry, but she's not into men," Dash informed the lothario, remembering what Travis called the males of his species.
The stranger looked down and saw the way Dash and Fluttershy were holding hands.
"Clearly," he said with a smirk, "Sorry to have bothered you."
Dash realized what he was insinuating and jerked her hand away from Fluttershy.
"What!? No, it's just her! She's the one who's not into men. I am."
Dash then realized that she had left herself open to more flirting from the bespectacled stranger.
"Aw, horse apples," she thought to herself as she tried to walk away with Fluttershy.
But their admirer turned out to be more persistent than she liked.
"You're strangers here, aren't you," he asked as he stepped in front of them once more, "I can tell by the bewildered way your friend's looking around and how you're trying too hard to act like you belong here."
Dash's ire rose as he hit the nail right on the head.
"Why don't you stick with me? I can keep you safe while you get your bearings in this dangerous place."
Fluttershy squeaked nervously when she heard the word 'dangerous,' and she became more nervous when she saw Dash draw her sword.
"Don't worry, we can look after ourselves. We've got all the protection we need right here," Dash said as she twirled the sword in one hand.
"Sure, you have a beam katana, but do you know how to use it."
Their admirer then drew his own sword, which made both of the human turned ponies flinch.
"Let's make a deal: the two of us can duel, and if you win, I'll leave you alone for the rest of the day. But if I win, I get to take you on a grand tour of the city."
Dash could never say no to a challenge. She readied her stance as Fluttershy backed off.
"I hope you're a righty, because you're going to be lonely tonight, pal," Dash quipped.
Fluttershy turned beet red at the vulgar comment. Travis had clearly been a bad influence on Dash.
"Only the morning after you and I experience paradise," their admirer said as he pocketed his glasses and unbuttoned his jacket.
The two duelists took their stances, and raised their swords to swing.
Dash was suddenly stopped when she felt a hand around her waist.
"There ya are, darlin'," the newcomer said to her in an accent she'd never heard before, "I been lookin' all over for ya."
He then turned his attention to Dash's opponent.
"Yer lucky I got here just now. She'd o' taken ya apart and put ya back together."
Dash didn't like that the guy was touching her like he was doing, but she appreciated him vouching for her skill.
It seemed he had diffused the situation, as her opponent put his weapon away.
"You could've said you had a boyfriend," the admirer said as he buttoned up his jacket and put his glasses back on.
"Yeah, but I wanted to fight a tough opponent. Scrapping with regular drips get boring after a while," Dash said, playing off the situation at hoof.
Her admirer's voice remained steady and calm as it had before, but it carried a heavy undertone that let anypony listening know how serious he was.
"One of the worst offenses a man can commit is stealing another man's woman. I'm sorry, but I'll have to decline any future advances you make. And that includes private duels."
"I made advances," Dash thought incredulously, "Now I'm even more glad I won't see him anymore. What kind of guy can't own up to his actions?"
She then noticed the other man's arm wrap around her more tightly.
"Ya best be headin' on yer way then," he said to the man with the glasses, "I'd hate ta think what horrors are workin' their way in from the dark side while yer chasin' tail."
Without another word, the man with the glasses walked away down the road.
Dash took the other man's hand off her waist and stood in front of him to thank him.
She took a brief second to get a look at him, and saw that he was taller than she was, and had brown hair, pale skin, and was wearing a dress shirt under a vest and a pair of pinstriped pants with black shoes.
"Hey, thanks for what you did, but we have to go now. Come on, Flutters."
Before they could even move, the well-dressed man motioned for both of them to follow him.
"Keep walkin' with me," he said simply.
"What they hay for," Dash said, objecting to being ordered around.
"Because if we don't: we'll all end up dead,"
"Are you threatening us!?"
"He said we'd all be dead," Fluttershy said timidly as she went with the well-dressed man, frightened of the aspect of death. Her words let Rainbow Dash know that his own life was at stake as well, prompting her to trust him and do as he requested.
"Why should we follow you," Dash demanded to know.
Did this happen to everypony in this city? Was it a part of their daily lives to be approached by others and lead them to some unknown destination?
"I don't wanna alarm ya, but I'm bein' followed," the man answered.
Dash and Fluttershy both tried to look over their shoulders, but were stopped by their escort.
"Don't look back. He thinks he can ambush us, but it's us who'll have a surprise for him."
This was insane! They hadn't been in that strange place an hour, and already their lives were in danger! What the hay was this place?
"Why are we the ones in danger!? Why'd you drag us into this," Dash asked quietly, though anger was clearly evident in her tone.
"I didn't mean ta do this, but if I didn't ya'd be dead as soon as he passed ya," their escort explained perfectly calm, as if there was nothing to worry about. He seemed to be in complete control of the situation.
It irritated Dash to no end, but at the same time, something about it made her feel slightly at ease. It was the same trait that Travis had: no matter how terrible a situation got, he never lost his cool and maintained a grip on the matter. Maybe it was this similarity to her friend that made her trust him enough to follow him.
Fluttershy's anxiety grew the more she heard spoken. There were many things that frightened her, but nothing so much as the unknown. If their escort was to be believed, they were all in terrible danger, but from what, she couldn't say. Knowing what it was wouldn't make her any safer, but it would ease her mind to at least attach an identity to the threat.
Slowly, she peered over her shoulder, trying to see who or what was following them. She turned her head, and into her periphery came a shadowy figure, dressed in a black shirt with some kind of graphic on it and trousers that were mottled with many colors of green and brown.
He came after them with a rapid pace, anticipating the kill to be made. He was going to get them. It was only a matter of time.
Seeing the figure, if only just barely made Fluttershy shudder and snap her gaze forward again. She wanted to shriek when she saw their pursuer, but fear paralyzed her throat. She jumped when she felt something touch her arm, and found it to be her escort's hand.
"Don't be afraid, Miss," he said reassuringly, "Whatever happens, I'll make sure that no harm will come to either of ya. That's a promise."
Fluttershy was still uneasy for her safety, but this man's words were so genuine that she felt she could trust his resolve to protect her. She nodded and stepped slightly closer to him to remain in his safe proximity.
Dash was impressed. Even she had trouble bringing Fluttershy down from her anxiety attacks when she was that scared. She also appreciated that he was going to take responsibility for involving them by protecting them both. So far, it seemed that he could be trusted to take care of them. Not that Dash needed it. She could probably take on whoever was tailing them with ease, if she could get that chance.
"We're almost in position," their escort said as they approached an underpass, "Do exactly as I say, and we'll make it through this alive."
The three of them went into the gaping maw of the underpass and disappeared from the world of light, temporarily eluding their pursuer.
The man who had been shadowing them stepped into the dimly lit underpass after them, expecting an easy kill. Instead, what he found was that the three of them had disappeared from view entirely.
He stepped further in, cautiously scanning his surroundings.
There wasn't much to see in the dim light, and the roar of passing cars kept him from hearing anything.
But there was still one logical place for his quarry to have disappeared so quickly.
The center of the underpass was supported by a line of concrete pillars, spread out every thirty feet or so. Each supported area held two pillars that were placed about six feet apart from one another.
If they wanted to hide from him, that was where they'd be.
He drew two large knives from his belt, and with the swiftness and silence of a phantom, weaved through what traffic was present in the underpass.
He made it to the center and quickly approached the double pillars.
He stopped suddenly, savoring the kill for a second, and then sprang around the corner stabbing against both pillars.
With a sudden shock of surprise, he found that he had only drove both of his knives deep into the concrete structures.
He tried to pull his weapons out, but before he could dislodge them, his quarry came dropping from above, swinging his weapon down the middle of his target.
The target should have been split in two, but suddenly disappeared from sight to evade the attack.
The escort looked around, expecting an attack from a different angle, like all of elusive speedsters did. Instead, he felt his entire front assaulted by a volley of blows, though the target couldn't be seen.
He was then pushed into the street, where he narrowly avoided being hit by a passing car.
As soon as he stepped back into the safety of the concrete center, he saw the two knives shake loose of the pillars without being touched, then float stationary in the air.
The phenomenon was explained when the target appeared from nothingness, holding his two knives.
So, he could turn invisible, which was probably more annoying than a speedster.
But the escort didn't seemed to be bothered by that just yet, as this fight had only begun.
He surrounded himself with an array of orbs that he produced from the beam katana in his hand.
As he swung his weapon, the energy orbs trailed after it like a wake of water, striking at the opponent in succession.
Each attack from the sword and the orbs were blocked easily, as if he anticipated every direction they would come from.
The two then took their battle to the street, and parted from each other as a car came between them.
They charged again, but as soon as they met, the opponent disappeared.
The escort swung in all directions, while dodging the oncoming traffic as necessary, but no results came from his wild swinging.
He saw his opponent reappear in front of him and stabbed hard.
His opponent disappeared again to reveal an oncoming car that was only a couple feet from hitting the escort.
He dove to the center, between the pillars, and then felt himself kicked by an invisible foot.
It was enough to send him into the other side of the underpass, and push him into more traffic.
He was soon followed by his invisible attacker, who stayed hidden by his cheap tactic.
As the attacks came from unseen directions, the escort began trying to use the oncoming traffic as a shield against the phantom blows.
He started running against the flow of traffic, weaving in and out of the oncoming cars, blocking when an attack was sensed coming.
He became distracted from a knife that materialized out of the air and flew towards him.
That distraction was all that was needed to make the escort barely notice the approaching car.
It was nearly too late for him to move.
The vehicle only grazed his side, but it was still enough to send him sprawling against the wall of the far side.
He held his aching side, for though it was only barely hit, it hurt enough to make him dread imagining getting hit by the whole thing.
His opponent reappeared in front of him, and quickly crossed the blades of his knives at his target's neck.
He smiled sickly, loving the anticipation of the kill, and desperately wanting the thrill of committing the deed. He froze there, boring his insane delight into his target's mind.
But, he should not have drawn out his pleasure.
If the assassin had killed his target as he was supposed to do, he would not have allowed his target to place his foot on his stomach and launch him into traffic, into the front of a passing SUV, which carried him away and out of sight down the road.
The escort sheathed his weapon and walked along the sidewalk to an easily missed alcove just at the entrance where his charges were hiding.
"You can come out now. It's safe."
"Who was that," Fluttershy gasped as she and Dash came out of hiding.
"Don't know. All I know is that he was cut from the story. They seem to be comin' after me with increasin' frequency," he answered.
That part about being cut from the story made no sense at all. It was something that was expected to be heard from Pinkie or Travis.
The women's minds then went to their friends, and the fact that they were all separated in this insane asylum of a city.
"I don't mean to sound ungrateful, but we need to go now. Thanks," Dash said as she and Fluttershy started to leave to find their friends. Not only did they want to find their friends, but they wanted to leave their escort in case he was attacked again by some more random psychos.
"Don't mention it. But if ya ever need another favor, just ask. I'm only here to help."
There was another quality he shared with Travis. He only wanted to help a couple of strangers that he'd never met before, and thought nothing of it, like it was just the right thing to do.
Seeing that in him brought a smile to Dash's face, but he couldn't hold a candle to Travis himself. She wasn't too keen to stay with him, but decided to take up that offer to ask a favor as a courtesy.
"Never bump into us again," Dash said, still with a smile.
"Understood."
And the man turned to walk away from the two former mares.
But Dash wasn't quite done with him.
"Wait! What about your name?"
"Henry. Henry Cooldown."
Cooldown? Cooldown. Cool-down . Touch-down .
It was a longshot, but it was all that Dash had to go off of.
"Do you know Travis Touchdown," Fluttershy asked before she could. Apparently, she had arrived at the same conclusion.
"Know him? He's my twin," Henry said.
He was completely unprepared when the two women suddenly looked concerned and jolted forward.
"Have you seen him?"
"Is he alright?"
"What's he look like as a monkey?"
The two bombarded him with an overwhelming amount of questions, making him take a step back under their advancing steps.
"Take it easy. I can take ya to where he lives if ya wanna see him so badly," he said to the women.
Dash and Fluttershy both gladly followed him out of the underpass to where Travis lived, feeling much better about their situation now knowing they'd be in familiar company.
Dash glanced over at Henry.
"Rainbow Dash."
Henry glanced at Dash, not sure of what he heard.
"My name's Rainbow Dash. Fastest flier in Equestria."
"I'm sure that's impressive wherever that is," he said with a hint of amusement in his voice.
Dash still hadn't had a chance to get used to her new surroundings and introduced herself in the usual fashion out of habit.
"Uh, yeah," she said as her face tinted red. Henry's reaction made her feel uncomfortable, though not in a way that she hated. "That's Fluttershy next to me," she said as Fluttershy waved at him reservedly.
"Pleasure makin' your acquaintance."
Dash's embarrassed grin became a sly smile as they walked.
"How come Travis never mentioned he had a brother?" She thought to herself.
"I look amazing," Rarity said as she looked at herself in a mirror.
She and Applejack found themselves in the changing room of a clothing store, an area that Rarity was able to identify as soon as they had woken up.
The mirror revealed that both of their forms had changed to grotesque proportions, like a hairless gorilla, giving them both the shock of their lives.
Rarity came down from it though, when she noticed what they were both wearing.
Applejack's entire torso was bare, except for a red, plaid flannel shirt that was tied over her breasts with the sleeves rolled up. Her legs were clad in a pair of boot cut jeans and brown boots. Her hat, thankfully, remained atop her head.
And while Applejack looked like some kind of rural laborer, Rarity looked like some sort of high society noble like she'd always dreamed.
She was wearing an elegant, white dress that bared one of her legs and a small part of her chest. Her arms were covered by purple gloves that went up to her shoulders, and were complimented with matching purple stockings on her legs. Her feet were adorned with silver shoes, which matched perfectly with the silver bracelet around one of her wrists, and her silver earrings with diamonds.
Applejack was on the verge of panicking when she saw their new forms, but managed to keep a cool head, knowing that panic never helped any situation. But seeing Rarity take this sudden development so well helped calm her nerves a little bit.
"I guess it's fine and dandy, but shouldn't we see where we are," she asked, eager to get out of the cramped space.
"I completely agree, darling. For no matter how appalling this form is, the world must bear witness to this bedazzling spectacle," Rarity said, touting her new outfit.
"Right, sure," Applejack said with a smile at her friends' flamboyant nature.
She opened the curtain to let the two of them out, but they saw something that almost made the two of them retreat back into the small room.
Outside, they saw a monkey like them, and from what they could see of him behind his counter, he was dressed in a blue jacket, black hat and a pair of glasses. But that wasn't what frightened them.
His face appeared to have no skin on it, baring a skeletal smile as he faced them. Barely a second's time was needed to realized that this was only a bandana that he wore over his face. They both wondered why he would wear such a bizarre accessory as they stepped out into his store.
"Look who stopped in: a couple of new faces, looking for that new style," he said in a foreign accent. The two women looked at him, taking in his gaudy, outlandish appearance.
"I know what you're thinking," he said, making the two realize that they'd been staring, "But that's okay. As far as I'm concerned, everyone has their own thing. They just have to do it first."
That statement resonated to Rarity.
The cashier's words, along with the contents on the racks sparked a creative fire in her like never before. This would help along the budding success of her casual wear as new ideas for shirts, pants, jackets, hats and anything else.
Rarity was reminded that they were separated from their friends when Applejack motioned her towards the door. She left, regretting that she was not able to take a longer look at the store's merchandise.
"See you in another life, sisters," the cashier said as they left.
Once the two stepped outside, they found themselves in an isolated area, bereft of any sign of life, as if the clothing store was the only outpost for civilization in a vast ghost town.
"Ain't anyone else livin' here," Applejack asked as she looked up and down the road. "I mean really: who opens a store in a dusty gulch like this?"
"Perhaps the cashier can direct us towards a more populous area," Rarity suggested, and turned to reenter the store.
Before she even could try to reach for the handle, loud banging noises sounded around them, and parts of their surroundings became riddled with holes.
They both recognized those sounds. They were the same sounds that came from the weapons that Pinkie's assassin used, but without the whirring to accompany each bang.
Before they could take cover in the store, metal shutters closed over the door and every window, keeping them from getting in.
They both searched desperately for something to hide behind, but all they could find was a public trash can that was only big enough for one of them to get behind.
As they both hid behind the can, trying to fit their bodies behind it as well as possible, the noises stopped, and two unfamiliar voices sounded. One sounded nonchalant and disconnected, while the other sounded brutal and thuggish, with an unfamiliar accent.
"Looks like a couple of bystanders got caught in our duel. I told you we should've done this in the field."
"If they were stupid enough to walk into our crossfire, then it's their own damn fault they're dead."
Rarity and Applejack saw one of the voice's owners in front of them. A monkey with shaggy brown hair, and a blue suit with a pink undershirt. His eyes seemed stuck in a harsh glare, like some kind of fierce monster from Tartarus.
The other one looked much different from his opponent. The other participant in the duel was wearing a white shirt, with black pants and a red overshirt. His hair was black and he had sideburns. He had the face of somepony who loved starting trouble, and didn't care about who got hurt in the process. Both of them held small, silver-colored cannons in their hands.
"They aren't dead, Coyote," the one in the suit said. He then turned to Rarity and Applejack, "You two had better get out of here while you can. I can't guarantee your safety if you stay."
The hellion quickly dashed forward, firing his cannon at the other duelist, continuing the fight they were having.
"Rarity, use yer magic to take their cannons," Applejack said, distressed.
"I can't! I'm trying, but I can't," Rarity said, equally distressed, if not more so at not being able to do what came natural to unicorns.
"Then I guess it's up to me to end this," Applejack said as she cracked her knuckles, ready to knock some sense into both of their heads to end their petty fight. She psyched herself up, and stood up.
As soon as she did, one of their projectiles whizzed right past her face, barely missing her by mere centimeters.
"Celestia!" Applejack shouted as she ducked back to her cover behind the trash can. "Second thought: let's get the buck outta here!"
She and Rarity both ran away from the fight, but it seemed that the fight found them once more.
The two duelists had maneuvered so that they caught the women in their crossfire again.
"Why can't they settle this over tea," Rarity shouted as she and Applejack crouched low beneath the cannon fire.
They tried once more to move to safety, but the fight seemed to follow them no matter where they went.
Things became worse when it turned out that the two duelists could use magic.
The one in the red shirt crouched low, and then jumped high into the sky, landing on a nearby rooftop and using the vents up there as cover.
The one in the suit started to gather a strange light into the barrel of his cannon that illuminated the small area around him.
A breeze whipped up around him, and a wave of force radiated from him when he fired his projectile.
"Collateral Shot," he shouted as a ball of malevolent light shot from his cannon and destroyed the entire rooftop.
The one in the red shirt had already jumped from the rooftop and landed on the ground between Applejack and Rarity.
They knew that he was trouble, but he began to show how terrible he really was when he wrapped his arm around Applejack's neck, and used her as a shield against his opponent.
The opponent seemed to care more about the bystanders, as he stopped firing his weapon and stuck to remaining in cover, likely to formulate a plan.
Applejack struggled against her captor, but he proved to be as strong as she was. Or was it because she was weaker in her new form? She thrust her elbow into his ribs, which loosened his hold on her, but not enough for her to escape.
It was when he suddenly jolted forward and cursed in pain that he let her go.
When he keeled over, Rarity hit him again with a wooden plank she had found.
"Evil! Upstart! Thug!" She yelled as she whaled on him. She was going to protect Applejack, even if it meant had to sacrifice her refined demeanor.
Rarity raised her plank to hit him again, but was stopped by Applejack.
"He's had enough, Rarity! Let's go," she said as she took Rarity's hand to leave.
Rarity realized what she had done, and wanted to leave the scene as fast as possible, hoping she'd be able to forget this incident.
Their escape was cut off when the thug in red jumped in front of them and aimed his cannon at them.
Rage had twisted his face to a monstrous visage, and the women knew there was no escaping his fury.
"You bitches are dead," he said under his breath, but just loud enough for them to hear him, "You're fucking dead!"
His voice told them that he would see them both die, even if it meant the end of himself.
"Hold it," they heard the other opponent's voice and saw his cannon aim directly at his opponent's head, "You're fight's with me. You haven't forgotten why we started this, did you?"
"You're right," said the thug in red, "Bigger fish to fry."
And he aimed his cannon in the other's face as he turned to face him directly.
Even though they weren't being aimed at anymore, Rarity and Applejack felt more tense as they watched the men face off.
"Now hold on a minute," Applejack began, "Can't y'all talk about this?"
"You can't understand how deep this shit between us goes," said the duelist in the suit.
"He's the fucker who killed me," said the thug in red.
His statement made no sense. Did he mean that as some kind of metaphor? Did he very nearly kill him and it was just as bad as being dead? Did he mean it literally, and the two were ghosts? Any number of things could have been interpreted from that statement, and trying to figure it out only added to the women's trouble.
Just when they thought the men were going to kill each other, a third monkey arrived.
He was taller than the two of them, and was wearing a white suit. In one hand, he carried a silver briefcase.
"Dan! Coyote! What are you two doing out here? We have business to take care of in Europe. Now go. The master is expecting us."
Applejack and Rarity didn't know what he was talking about, but he seemed to have ended the fight the way the two duelists lowered their weapons. They shot each other a glare, silently letting each other know that this wasn't over. The left down the road, leaving their accomplice in white behind.
"If the two of you need to get to town, just follow this road that way," he said, motioning in the direction opposite the one he and his friends were heading, much to the relief of the women.
Without another word, Rarity and Applejack hurried in that direction, and never looked back.
Though only a few minutes, the walk seemed very long before they finally saw another face.
Along with the faces came the roars of what looked like metal, pony-less carriages, and the stench of the city.
Rarity also began to wonder why those monkeys could use magic, but she couldn't. They immediately began to long for the familiarity of their home, not wanting to spend another minute in this scary, violent, disgusting place.
But then they saw something familiar down the sidewalk.
Two figures, one with pink hair that frizzed like cotton candy, and the other with white hair and a sword on her belt, were on the sidewalk perpendicular to the one they were on.
They dared get their hopes up, and rushed toward the figures, calling out their names.
Author's Note
Henry's fight scene was originally going to be an anticlimactic thing where he just ambushed the guy and split him in half. But then I figured: you know something? People who wanted Henry in the story expect a fight scene from him, so instead of pitting him against some random shmuck, he fought against an assassin who was cut from the original story.
The assassin that Henry fought was supposed to be the Dash's assassin, and his name was Corpse Grinder (due to his violent nature and being named after George "Corpsegrinder" Fisher from Cannibal Corpse. He was also dressed as a stereotypical death metal fan to further drive home the reference).
Other cut assassins have appeared in this story were the unicorn with the glasses and the book, who was originally going to be Fluttershy's assassin, and was to come off as a kindly, welcoming bookish type, but he wasn't weird or cute enough.
Also, the unicorn with the vast array of weapons ended up becoming Cream, and the weapons were changed to a bunch of daggers.
As for the girl's outfits, Dash's was inspired by punk fashion, much like the outfit Rarity made for her. Fluttershy's idea was to look as cute as possible, and what's cuter than a sundress (besides Applebloom in a bunny costume)? Applejack was inspired by ranchers, obviously. And Rarity's clothes were inspired by Bayonetta's 'Sunday Best' in Bayonetta 2.
Cameo appearances were made by Mondo Zappa from Killer is Dead; and Dan, Coyote and Garcian Smith from Killer7.
No More Heroes: Friendship is Fucked!!
Chapter 17: Crossing Paths
Chapter 17
Crossing Paths
"Why does this highway have to be so long," Travis groaned as he trudged along the sun-baked road towards Santa Destroy.
Even though Jeanne wasn't walking, she too was growing exhausted from the sun beating down on them as she rode on Travis's shoulder.
Travis was no stranger to long pathways. The utility tunnel that led to Letz Shake, and the path to the King's Face before he fought Alice Twilight were both long as hell, but they weren't this long. Or blazing hot. Or heavily polluted with litter thrown by passing drivers.
A half-eaten cheeseburger was thrown at Travis, which he shared with Jeanne when he caught it.
As they ate, Travis's mind wandered to if his friends changed into humans the way that he turned into a pony when he went to their world. He imagined the reactions they were all having when they saw their new bodies.
"Spike, what do I look like right now," Twilight asked as she felt her face with her newly discovered hands.
She had already figured out that they had changed into what Travis called 'humans', and conveyed the information to Spike. She then began to brim with glee at the idea of being among the newly discovered species, and experiencing their ways of living firsthoof.
Er, hand.
If she was to fully experience their culture, she had to talk like them too.
"I don't know. Like a monkey, I guess," Spike answered.
When they awoke, they found themselves in what looked like a school library (on the second floor, judging by the view outside the window), that they were now humans, and they were fully clothed.
Spike had on a purple t-shirt with a vicious dragon printed on the front, along with a pair of black jeans and skate shoes. Around his neck was a necklace made of a piece of cord, and what looked like dragon fangs decorating it.
Twilight was dressed in more of a school uniform, but hers' was different from the ones the other girls around her wore.
While the other girls wore white shirts with sleeves that reached their elbows, sweater vests, brown skirts with matching socks and black shoes, Twilight wore a white shirt with sleeves to her wrists, a small, lavender scarf tied around her neck, a green skirt, white socks and brown shoes.
"I know. But what do my features look like? What's the proportion of my nose to the rest of my face? Did my eyes change color? What's the surface area of my cheeks?"
"You're eyes are still purple," Spike answered, not able to keep up with the academic questions.
And Twilight knew that was all the information she was going to get out of him. She'd just have to find a mirror and do a thorough examination and analysis herself.
"Okay, that's actually kind of helpful," Twilight said as she started walking between the bookshelves, her eyes scanning the titles on the spines, "We should ask sompo--someone--for help."
They soon met with a person, who judging by Travis's description was a male of his species.
"Excuse me," she began politely.
Before she could even make her request, the person spoke to her.
"Hey, look at you. How come I haven't seen you around before?" The boy asked her.
"Uh, I'm actually new here," Twilight said slightly nervously.
This person seemed to be friendly enough from his first impression, but Twilight couldn't help but feel like something was off about him. Maybe it was the way he chuckled once she answered. It wasn't a friendly, warm chuckle, but more like one that sounded like a villain from one the books she read.
"Well, welcome to the university. You look kind of young to be in college. How old are you?" He asked as he took a slight step closer to Twilight.
"Seventeen," Twilight answered, desperately wanting to leave. She would have left just then, but she learned a long time ago that oftentimes, others weren't nearly as scary as they seemed.
"Still just a little girl," the person said in a slightly condescending tone. "Why don't you spend a little time with me? I been with a lot of girls, and they all end up women at the end of the day."
Completely missing that she was being asked out, Twilight decided that she should just stick to the matter at hand and ask him for help.
"I actually wanted to ask you something. Do you know anyone named Travis Touchdown?"
She became worried when she saw the person's face change to a scowl.
"Travis Touchdown!? The bastard who killed my girlfriend, and the captain of the football team! The guy who wrecked the campus with his giant robot suit! And then to top it all off, he beat up my cousin who just wanted to meet him!"
Twilight backed away as he angrily advanced towards her, until her back was against a bookshelf.
"What do you know about him? Where is he?"
"I-I don't know! I swear," Twilight said, trying to use her magic to escape. She then remembered that Travis once told her that magic was something that could only be used by a very select few humans. She was apparently not one of them. Twilight let out a frightened squeak when she saw the person draw a knife from his pocket and hold it to her face.
"I promised that nothing would stop me from killing him! And if you're covering his ass, you're whole existence will be nothing but pain until you tell me where he is!" He threatened her.
At that point, Spike stepped in and pushed him away from Twilight.
"Back off," he ordered, taking a combat stance.
The boy with the knife scoffed when he saw Spike, not believing that some kid would stand up to him like that.
"Look at you, little Mr. Tough Guy," he said, talking down to Spike, "What are you, her boyfriend? Get lost."
As he spoke, he put his hand on Spike's forehead and pushed him back.
Spike was not about to take that offense lying down. To protect Twilight, he took the biggest book he could find off the shelf and jabbed the spine of it into the boy's soft and vulnerable stomach, making him keel over.
"I'm her brother--"
He swung the book in an uppercut that knocked him backwards.
"--Jerk!!"
"Spike," Twilight reprimanded him.
Spike knew he was in trouble. Twilight only used that tone when he did something wrong, but what was she doing it for at a time like this?
"I'm sorry, Twilight! I thought he was gonna hurt you," Spike reasoned.
Instead of admonishing him for hitting someone else, she took the book from his hand and showed him the spine.
"Do you have any idea how you could have damaged this book's spine?" Twilight sternly asked.
Normally, Spike would have felt some kind of remorse for his actions, but if that was where Twilight's priorities were, he couldn't help but not feel too bad for what he did.
Their attention was drawn to the boy, who had gotten up, and brandished his knife.
He was soon joined by more students, possibly his friends, or more likely members of his gang, judging by the way that they were all armed and ready to back up the boy Spike had hit.
"Let me clue you in to something, tough guy," the boy, who was the apparent leader of the group said as he rubbed his aching chin, "Nobody, I mean nobody, fucks with us! And everyone who has, ended up dog food! That's all you are, tough guy: a worthless--"
He would have gone on like that, but he and his gang were suddenly bombarded by several books that Spike began throwing at them all, to Twilight's mortification.
Spike had grown tired of listening to him shoot his mouth off, and needed to get him and Twilight out of there. Now that she didn't have any magic, it was up to him to take care of any threat.
He and Twilight both slowly backpedaled away from the situation as Spike continued to throw books.
Not the most effective tactic, as one of the larger boys charged on through, armed with a knife of his own.
Spike braced himself, as he remembered the lessons with Travis: a charging opponent is begging to be halted with an opposing force.
As soon as the charging opponent was in range, Spike jumped high and thrust both of his feet into his face.
His opponent's head recoiled, and his feet flew into the air, making him land hard on his back.
Spike landed softly on his stomach and rolled to grab and twist his opponent's arm into a painful submission hold.
One of the other boys came in to save his friend by kicking Spike in his side.
The force of the kick was enough to make him release his submission hold and sent him rolling.
Spike ended up with his back to a chair, which he used as a shield against a downward stab.
His opponent's knife had gotten stuck in the seat, so he grabbed the entire chair to smash it onto Spike.
Spike caught the chair's legs before they hit him, and he kicked the attacker's knee, making him stagger to one side.
The chair was then maneuvered so that the attacker would sit on it. Painfully so, considering his knife handle was sticking out of the seat.
More attackers came, and Spike deftly dodged around the chair, keeping the one sitting every time that he tried to stand up.
Two of them cornered Spike between the chair and the table it came from, and he needed a quick escape.
Spike kicked the back of the chair, booting the seated attacker out so that he could jump over it.
He placed his hands on the back, and quickly jumped over, his feet landing on the seat.
Before he could jump away, the back legs of the chair were kicked out from under it, making him fall backwards and land on the table behind him.
One of the attackers stabbed at Spike.
Spike dodged, but not without the sleeve of his shirt getting pinned to the table.
He continued to roll out of the way of each successive attack, twisting his body from side to side, and around the surface of the table, kicking anyone who approached.
Twilight watched on, now regretting that she didn't accept Spike's offer to teach her what he learned in his combat lessons. She had always relied on her magic and quick thinking to get out of a tight spot, but now without magic, what was she left with? Logic? Reasoning? She figured it was worth a shot.
When Spike pulled the knife that was pinning his sleeve loose, Twilight pulled him aside and restrained him with her hands on his shoulders.
"Wait!" Twilight said to the advancing attackers.
They stopped, curious to what she had to say.
"I know that you think we've somehow wronged you, but we're not your enemies. We're only here to find our lost friends. Whatever happened is between you and Travis, not us."
Twilight didn't like that she was placing the blame on one of her friends, but something was needed to be done to solve the problem peaceably. Maybe later when this boy met with Travis, they could resolve their differences without murdering each other (more likely Travis murdering him).
One by one, each of the boys put away their weapons, Twilight's words ringing to them. It seemed that her plan had worked. At least on most of the boys, that is. The leader of their group didn't seem to share their feelings.
"Fuck your hippie shit!" He yelled as he lunged with his knife drawn.
As soon as he moved, Spike jumped and put his arms around the attacker's neck.
With a twist of his body, he sent the two of them spinning to the floor.
"Celestia's sake!" Twilight yelled.
The other boys tried to break up the fight, but it was no good.
Spike and the gang leader continued their fight through the library, towards the stairs to the lower floor.
After dodging a downward stab, Spike unleashed a punch combo that finished with a suplex that sent the boy over the rails to the landing down below.
Spike followed up by jumping onto the rails and loosing a flawless triple backflip that flowed into a kneedrop attack.
It would have been an impressive sight if his opponent hadn't rolled out of the way, leaving Spike's knees to strike the hard wooden landing.
"OW! FUCK MY KNEES SIDEWAYS!!" Spike yelled.
"Spike!" Twilight yelled, admonishing his foul language. She was glad that he had found a male role model to look up to, but she couldn't help but think that he was a bad influence sometimes.
Spike knew that he was in for some sort of punishment when this was over. Most likely writing an essay about the use of proper language in social situations, but he couldn't worry about that too much at the moment.
He had to dodge another stab from his opponent.
Spike rolled over backwards, with several thumps down the stairs from the landing.
Twilight and the other boys made their way down the stairs to try and end the fight as the gang leader swung a book cart at his younger opponent.
Spike jumped and grabbed the end of the cart closest to him, swinging his feet into his opponent's face.
His reversal of the attack got a cheer from the other members of the boy's gang, who all couldn't believe that their leader was having his ass handed to him by a kid who couldn't be more than ten years old.
"Your brother's a fucking badass," one of them said to Twilight.
Twilight watched on as Spike and the gang leader trashed one another. She never really thought about it before, but Spike was just as capable as any of her friends when given the chance. Then again, she never gave him the chance to prove himself before.
"He really is something," she said as Spike unleashed a piledriver that split a table in half, and dazed his opponent.
The onlookers cheered as Spike raised his fists in victory.
His opponent wasn't out just yet, though.
Slowly, the boy fought past his slightly blurred vision and gripped the knife that he dropped when he hit the table.
Before his fingers even reached it, someone else's foot forcefully stepped on his hand.
Looking up, he saw the scowling face of a blonde girl with pigtails.
"Hey, Kimmy. How's it going, cuz," he greeted cheerfully to hide his anxiety from seeing the look on her face.
Kimmy reached down and lifted the boy to his feet by his nose.
"Picking fights with children," she sternly asked him, "I'm sure your guidance counselor will love to hear about this! Even I fight opponents my own size!"
Kimmy turned to the other members of the gang.
"Could you please make sure my cousin goes directly to his counselor? I don't want to hear anything about him skipping off to fight the other boys for dirty pictures of their sisters!"
"You said you wouldn't tell anyone about that," the gang leader said.
His cousin stopped him from saying anything further by tightening her grip on his nose.
"Go," she ordered, and the boys took their friend away from the scene.
Twilight wanted to grab Spike and leave right away, but she needed to thank the girl called Kimmy for her help before she did. She nervously approached the other girl, trying to muster the words to express her thanks, but all that came out was.
"Soooooo...we have to go now. Come on, Spike."
To her, the word 'horrible' never applied to a library, but things were very different there, and she wanted to leave that horrible place as soon as possible. But something stopped her.
When she took Spike's hand to guide him to the door, she saw that Kimmy had a picture on her binder of a human that was familiar to her. Granted, he had a different face and form, but the sunglasses, stylized hair and mischievous smile were unmistakeable.
"Wait!" Twilight said as she took the binder from Kimmy and showed her the picture of Travis, "Do you know this person?"
"I'm surprised there are people who don't," Kimmy said with a smile as she took her binder back, delighted to meet a fellow Travis fan, "He's Travis the Great. Possibly the most wonderful thing to happen in the world of assassination. I met him once before."
She then produced a map with directions to Travis's house from her binder and handed it to Twilight.
"Here. You can find where he lives with this. It's so refreshing to know that I'm not the only person completely obsessed with him."
"Uh, okay. Thank you," Twilight said, not fully understanding why she would be obsessed with Travis, and trying not to think about why Kimmy had a map to his house.
"Think nothing of it. I'd love to stay and swap stories with you about him, but I have clarinet lessons to go to." She then left the two to make their way to the door. But not before Spike grabbed a Pure White Lover Bizarre Jelly manga that he found lying on the floor, a casualty of the fight they were having. And what luck: it was volume one so he could get the story from the beginning.
Twilight looked at the map in her hand and led Spike out the door.
"Come on. We should get to Travis's house fast," she said to Spike, "I just hope he's home when we get there."
"Cold beer and hot pizza...Front row seats at a wrestling ring...Anime conventions without fanboys..."
Travis's brains were on the verge of cooking as he dragged his feet down the road.
By that time he had taken his jacket off and Jeanne was draped around his neck like a fuzzy scarf.
Both of them were panting heavily from the long walk that had gone on for a couple of hours now. They were both exhausted, and in desperate need of food and water, now that Travis was only running on happy thoughts.
"Strawberry and Blueberry kissing for fanservice...Pinkie...Sugary sweet, light of my life, Pinkie Pie...Pinkie in leather pants..."
Travis's mind began slipping into the gutter, but now he was diving headfirst into sewage.
"Pinkie in leather pants kissing Shinobu...Licking whipped cream off each other...On a bed with satin sheets..."
His train of thought was cut off by a lethargic meow from Jeanne.
"Sorry girl, but it keeps me going," Travis apologized to his pet.
It seemed that Fluttershy had rubbed off onto him, since he sensed slightly that his cat growing irritated with this line of thinking. After all, what about the things she liked?
"I promise that when we get home, I'll give you two cans of food, and I'll move your bed in front of the AC. Aw, crap. I forgot: we don't have an AC."
Jeanne groaned at Travis's words, as he went back to spouting off happy thoughts.
"Whipping around town on my motorcycle...Movies and video games...My orders coming to Beef Head on time..."
A few cities over, in San Romero, two figures appeared amid the crowd of the local high school populace.
Shinobu looked herself over, relieved to be back in her human body, with all of her clothes she had back in Equestria. She found herself dressed in her jeans, shoes and a white t-shirt which she wrote on with a marker 'I'm Armed and I'm All Out of Estrogen.'
As for Pinkie, she was dressed in a pink tube top with various candies printed around it. She wore black pants made of a material that she didn't recognize, but Shinobu called it 'leather.' Her feet were adorned with a pair of pink pumps that revealed her toes, which Pinkie was fascinated with, along with her new fingers.
"How come ponies don't have anything this much fun?" Pinkie wondered as she wiggled her fingers back and forth. What were perfectly mundane things to others, were marvelous wonders of evolutionary engineering to her.
"Human's don't have anything more interesting than what ponies do," Shinobu said stretching her legs out, getting re-accustomed to her bipedal form. It didn't take long for her to do, since this was the form that she was born with, but it still seemed prudent to settle in.
"So, where are we right now?" Pinkie asked as she touched her fingers together.
"Well, according to that gate over there: we're at San Romero High School," Shinobu said, pointing to a gate that had the school's name above it.
They were standing at a fountain that had a few benches placed around it.
Also present were a few of the students who were enjoying the morning before classes started, and they had their spirits broken by their soul-crushing teachers to turn them into obedient, apathetic automatons who conformed to the whims of society's trends. One boy in particular was sitting on a bench holding a box with a ribbon in his hands.
"Wow, you never said you could read backwards, Nobie," Pinkie cheered as she looked at the gate and found that the side they were on, the name of the school appeared to be reversed.
Shinobu groaned when she heard Pinkie's nickname for her. Granted, this one wasn't as bad as 'Shinny,' but it was still terrible, and anyone else who wasn't her friend would have been beaten to a nasty pulp for calling her that.
"That's something me and Travis should learn to do when we go back to Equestria," then something occurred to her. Something that was so ingrained into her being that she didn't even notice that it was gone until now.
"What happened to my Pinkie Sense!?" Pinkie asked aloud. She should have been able to sense exactly where all of their friends were at that very moment, but it had left her completely. "I feel so naked right now without my Pinkie Sense!?"
"Don't say that too loud. Some of these guys are just finding out what happens after puberty," Shinobu said, indicating the teenage boys around them both.
"Okay. Not having a Pinkie Sense isn't a problem," Pinkie reassured herself, as she reached over her shoulder, "We'll be fine as long as we have one of these!"
As soon as she finished speaking, she whipped her hand in front of herself, but was completely surprised to see that her hand was empty.
Shinobu smirked as she looked on, knowing exactly what Pinkie was trying to pull off. Or at least a general idea.
"Trying to pull some kind of map, or GPS device out of the air," she asked. In all this time of hanging out with Pinkie, she learned that anything was to be expected of her, even the most ridiculous, implausible thing.
"I was actually trying to find a dowsing rod, but I can't even get that," Pinkie said as she began to tremble. She had always relied on her innate abilities back home, but here things were so weird and different from what she knew.
"How will I go on in this harsh, unforgiving world that doesn't let me be Pinkie Pie!?" Pinkie shouted as she dropped to her knees. She came down from her hysterics when she felt Shinobu's hand on her shoulder.
"Don't sweat it, Pinkie," Shinobu reassured, "This place won't be so bad once you get used to it. Remember my first day in Ponyville?"
Pinkie recalled the period of adjustment that Shinobu had at that time, and stood back up, her worry slowly leaving her.
"It's alright. Just stick with me, and you'll have nothing to worry about."
"Those kids over there are eating each other!" Pinkie pointed out.
Sure enough, in the distance past the gate, there were kids eating their fellow students. The ones doing the eating looked much different from the other kids. Their skin was a clammy grey color, and partially decomposed; and their eyes had turned blood red.
"Should we do something?"
"Yeah: kick their asses, and don't get bit," was all Shinobu said before she and Pinkie rushed into action.
As soon as they exited the gate, they both kicked one of the double doors behind them, slamming it shut.
The girls then went to work fighting off any of the cannibalistic creatures who were attacking the students.
Pinkie felt a tad odd, not being able to produce needed items from oblivion, but she made do with only her erratic unarmed fighting style, which was also stunted due to the fact that she could no longer break the laws of physics and nature to her will.
In only less than a minute, the two cleared out the area in front of the gate.
Pinkie would have felt bad about killing anything for any reason, but technically, zombies were already dead. So that meant that she wasn't actually killing anything, but really, she was correcting a mistake in the natural order of things.
"That's taken care of," Pinkie proudly announced, "Do you think there are any more of them sneaking around here?"
"They're zombies, Pinkie. Of course there're more of them," Shinobu responded as she sharpened her sword.
"Oh, right. Duh," Pinkie said, lightly hitting her head. How could she be so silly? she read enough of those B-horror books from Twilight's library to know that zombies travel in packs of hundreds. She then noticed that nearby, some scaffolding was set up for apparently no reason other than to be used as a barricade in the event of a zombie outbreak.
"Hey, why don't we give these kids a hoof, Nobie?" Pinkie asked.
"Hand," Shinobu corrected.
"Shoulder!"
"Crap..."
Pinkie toppled the scaffolding with a swift kick, which landed in a way that created a makeshift barrier with only a narrow space for someone agile enough to slide under.
Shinobu and Pinkie ran down the street, which was nearly empty, except for a few students who were trying to escape the pandemonium.
The women saw a stairway off to the side with a load of zombies shuffling down the steps.
"I got this," Shinobu said as she charged the oncoming horde.
As she ran, a phantom double of herself raced ahead, slicing as it went.
It was followed up by the second phantom who killed any monsters that avoided the blade of the first.
Pinkie wasn't about to be left out of the fun. She bounced off the shoulders of the second phantom and into the fray between the two copies of Shinobu.
They were in an area between two buildings that looked like they were in the middle of being built.
Those pieces of construction materials were just begging to be used for havoc.
Pinkie placed her foot on top of a long, metal rebar and whipped it so that it bounced into the air for her to catch it.
She unleashed her first attack by swinging it into the heads of any stragglers, then impaling two others through the chest and spinning them away into the other zombies.
One of the Shinobu phantoms jumped high over the oncoming zombies and back to Pinkie.
The phantom slashed the strap that was supporting a stack of small, concrete supports, sending the stack tumbling down onto any zombie that Pinkie missed.
The second phantom jumped over the fallen supports and the three started to run towards a stack of lumber at the end of the path.
The phantom nearest to the wall of lumber ran straight up it, while Pinkie stopped just before it and turned around, stacking her hands on top of each other.
The second phantom rushed her and placed one foot into Pinkie's hands, and was launched high into the air, up to the top of the stack, followed by Pinkie who gained extra height by kicking off an adjacent wall and pulling herself over the ledge.
As she did, she kicked the feet out from under an approaching zombie, and allowed the two Shinobu phantoms to decapitate it just before they merged.
"How come nopony's around when we do awesome stuff like that?" Pinkie wondered aloud.
"I asked myself that same question on the levels where I was playable," Shinobu lamented.
But they couldn't dawdle, because they had a zombie outbreak to contend with.
They went along the length of the stack of wood, and down the other side, kicking the zombies that were waiting for them at the bottom.
They continued through the alleyway, smashing, gouging and slaying as they went along their bloody way until they came to a door that the two kicked open, and were surprised to see that it led to an outdoor area like the one that they were just in, only now it was more open and less confined.
"Weird," Shinobu remarked, "You'd think there'd be a building past those doors."
The women then heard a crashing sound behind them and watched as a school bus came speeding down the street towards them, and swipe the side of some more scaffolding, which created another makeshift barrier.
Pinkie and Shinobu ran down the street as the bus rapidly approached behind them.
They both dove to the side and the bus crashed into the nearby brick building, sending several panicked passengers running inside.
A second bus swerved in behind it.
Shinobu rolled to the side to safety, but Pinkie ran straight ahead.
"Pinkie, what the hell are you doing!?"
As she laid on the ground, Pinkie saw through a closed gateway a boy who had zombies closing in around him. She could never leave anyone in trouble, pony or not.
She raced toward the wall, knowing that it was too high to jump over.
An idea occurred to her.
Pinkie reached the wall and ran up the side of it, and jumped off towards the bus that was speeding towards her.
She put one foot on the windshield and kicked off, gaining extra height to clear the wall just before the bus crashed and crushed her against it, the whole time wondering how she stayed so agile in pumps.
Once she reached the other side of the wall, Pinkie quickly dispatched the zombies with a few brain-splattering blows to the head that sent shivers up her spine and made her heart race.
"Thanks for saving me," the boy said gratefully, "Hey, do you know who my favorite president is?"
"Nopie-dopie," Pinkie said with a grin, "You better find somewhere safe to hide before more of those things come."
She scanned the area around her to find a safe hiding place, but saw nowhere to go. Then she saw the lamp post nearby.
"I know," Pinkie giddily announced and shoved him into the metal pole, accidentally hitting his head against it.
"You better start climbing. That shouldn't be too hard since we're monkeys with these cool wiggly things," she said, indicating her fingers and toes.
Shinobu came bouncing over the wall off of the top of the bus and landed with her sword drawn, but relaxed when there was nothing to kill.
"Nice going," she complimented before she hurried Pinkie along.
Pinkie gave her regards to the boy who was struggling to climb the pole and ran through another nearby gate into a small area where they fought their way past a few zombies just as a white van was pulling in.
After turning down another alleyway, they saw another bus that was rolling and bouncing towards them.
"Why are all these giant metal twinkies trying to kill us," Pinkie yelled as she and Shinobu slid safely under it.
They turned around to watch it land upright and block the path behind them. After running through the alleyway, the women found themselves in a parking lot where the student's and faculty's various vehicles were parked.
They saw another student who was about to be jumped by zombies, and they sprang into action, the two attacking one after the other until the zombies were all dead once more.
"I'm so stoked to be alive right now," the boy they saved said.
They took it as thanks and went running out of the parking lot.
Shinobu saw a gate that she recognized as the exit and they both hurried toward it. The only problem was that the exit had more zombies around it than anywhere else they'd been.
Pinkie and Shinobu unleashed every powerful technique they knew, as they tried to thin the horde as much as they could. Their hopes rose when they saw a bus parked outside the gate, waiting to be rode to safety.
The zombies' numbers dwindled, but there was just one more problem: Pinkie.
Pinkie was having way too much fun killing the zombies to the point that she didn't want to stop and became unaware of her surroundings.
She was so deep into her fighting that she didn't notice the horde of zombies closing in on her.
"Pinkie!" Shinobu yelled as she dashed in to save her friend. With a lightning cut, she thinned out a small number of the approaching monsters, and then she made her next move.
She tightly wrapped her arms around Pinkie and activated her shield of sonic blades.
Once the blades came alive, the remaining zombies were cut to shreds, their limbs flying here and there like they were going through some kind of hellish food processor.
The slaughter ended, but not without a little surprise.
Pinkie couldn't help herself. The rush of the battle and the presence of only Shinobu led to something that surprised the both of them.
As soon as the blades disappeared, Pinkie became aware that she was kissing Shinobu the way she usually kissed Travis during a fight.
Her hands traveled up and down Shinobu's back, until she found her shirt and snaked her hands underneath it. The feel of Shinobu's skin against hers created a new sensation that Pinkie never experienced with hooves, and made her shudder with delight as her kiss grew more passionate.
Her tongue found its way into Shinobu's mouth, and snaked around the inside.
The soft, gentle warmth of Shinobu's lips, and the way the inside of her mouth tickled her tongue made Pinkie wish there was a soft, silky bed for them to continue their erotic antics. But, she'd have to make do with the hood of a car.
As much as Pinkie was enjoying herself, Shinobu couldn't take much more of the fanservice.
Before Pinkie could get any friskier, she pushed her away and wiped her mouth with her forearm.
"Pinkie!" Shinobu shouted again, spitting and sputtering to get Pinkie's saliva out of her mouth.
"Sorry," Pinkie said with a smile and a blush, "I guess I got a little carried away there."
"Ugh! Wasn't your outfit fanservice enough," Shinobu yelled as she tried to get the rest of Pinkie out of her mouth.
The two shut the gates to the school behind them.
"Let's just get on the bus. You know how to hotwire?"
"I know you set them on fire to make wires hot," Pinkie happily answered.
It was too much for Shinobu. After fighting their way past zombies and finding a means of escaping, they couldn't take this god sent ray of hope out of the danger zone.
"I can hotwire that for you," said a girl who stepped in seemingly from nowhere.
She was a girl who was younger than both of them, still in her teens, and her appearance made the two of them almost jump back like she was another zombie.
Her face was heavily made up, and her yellow hair had a single pink stripe on one of the bangs. She wore a baggy, pink shirt, and many necklaces around her neck that came in many different colors. On her legs, she wore a pair of striped pants with pink leg warmers, and black pumps on her feet, though her's were closed-toes as opposed to Pinkie's open toes.
She casually walked onto the bus and began fiddling with the wires under the console, "Just give me a hot second, and done."
The bus roared to life and Pinkie and Shinobu hopped on.
As soon as they did, Pinkie got a sudden jolt when the bus lurched forward and started to move at an alarming speed.
"Where are you going, passengers," the girl asked them, seemingly too eager to want to help.
"A few cities over in Santa Destroy," Shinobu said succinctly.
"That's great! I was going to go there real quick to see if Dr. Naomi could mod this bus in case this zombie thing got out of hand. You know, do something to help my sis. Speaking of: there she is now!"
The girl leaned her head out the window to wave at a girl on a bicycle who was pedaling past them in the opposite direction.
"Hi, sis! Happy birthday," she shouted as they passed each other.
The remainder of the trip was uneventful, with only the conversation between Pinkie and the young girl occupying their time.
The two's personalities were so similar that they hit it off almost immediately from a mutual love of parties, candy and mayhem.
Meanwhile, Shinobu was banging her head against the back of a seat as the other girls' happy, crazy, mishmash banter ate away at her brain. Only enough capacity was left for her to lament the fact that she and Pinkie's new friend shared the same voice actress, which only put her into a deeper funk.
They finally reached their destination at a block that Shinobu knew was not too far from Travis's motel room. They thanked their driver and walked down the sidewalk until they heard their names being called.
"Pinkie! Shinobu!"
Looking down the street to their side, they saw two figures running towards them.
"Is that who I think it is," Shinobu asked as the two new faces made their way across the street to them.
The closer they got, the more familiar they became. They welcomed their friends with open arms and a tight embrace..
"I never thought I'd see your faces again," Rarity said hysterically as she clung to Pinkie. She would have fainted then if she could have magically produced a couch at that moment, but no, a lady acknowledges cleanliness.
"Y'all won't believe the day we just had," Applejack said, not realizing that getting caught in a gunfight was much more believable than fighting through a zombie outbreak.
"Everyone," they heard a voice call, and saw the humanized forms of Twilight and Spike rushing towards them.
The two were welcomed with a series of hugs, though Spike insisted on clinging to Rarity, who even as a human, he admitted looked pretty good.
After the joyful reunion, Twilight started taking a head count on everyone present.
Spike mentally checked off everyone counted as Twilight named them: herself, Spike, Rarity, Applejack, Shinobu, Pinkie. That only left Fluttershy and--
"You seriously caught him jacking off to his cartoons!?"
--Rainbow Dash.
Twilight turned to the direction of the voice to see her across the street with someone who had to be Fluttershy they way she looked so nervous. Also with them was a stranger who she had never seen before, but he seemed to be friendly with Rainbow Dash.
"I did, just as he was in the middle of it, all heavin' and sweatin'," the stranger said with a hearty laugh he shared with Dash.
Even Fluttershy giggled when she heard that bit of news.
"Oh, I'm gonna give him so much crap for this," Dash said just as something caught her eye.
Glancing over, she saw her humanized friends all standing around in a single spot.
"Flutters, look! It's our friends! Hey! Over here!"
And she and Fluttershy ran across the street to greet their friends.
Once they arrived, everyone else took notice that the stranger who was with them had followed them across the street.
"Well, well, Rainbow Dash. Look what you've brought home," Rarity swooned as she looked over Henry.
Rainbow Dash was always the type to play it cool, and not immediately let how she really felt about anything show up front, but as soon as Rarity spoke, she began guffawing like somepony who hit her head too hard.
"Darling, please. I was impressed with his ensemble as well, but you're behaving like a schoolfilly who's just had her first crush," Rarity said as she closely examined Henry's sleeve.
"Granted the suit turns a few heads, but I think I have a better personality. Your friend seems to think I'm not too much of an eyesore either," he said with a smirk.
All Dash had to do was say so and give in, but that was easier said than done. Instead, she answered almost too quickly, "No," after Henry stopped speaking. Anyone who was looking at her could tell that her totally red face gave her away, "Where does Travis live again?!"
"Just up there," Henry pointed to the building to their side. He pointed to a room on the second floor a few steps from the stairs, "With any luck, he's up there waitin' for ya."
"Unless he's watching his cartoons, Celestia forbid," Dash quipped to put the embarrassment out of her mind.
"Well, lookee here," a new voice sounded.
Everyone turned to that the new face was someone they didn't recognize from a day before in their lives.
"I went out ta get some fresh air, an' I caught me a buncha free spirits."
He flashed an eerie smile that put everyone on edge.
Henry and Shinobu both knew that he was trouble and stepped forward, drawing their weapons.
"All of you, get inside," Henry said to the seven others.
"This isn't going to end well," Shinobu finished.
Author's Note
So, what the hell are a bunch of college students doing armed with knives? For anyone who has read school drama manga, you'll know that all the kids who don't conform are violent delinquents who carry around switchblades or other assorted concealed weapons.
Some of you might have noticed that the clothes Twilight wears are nearly identical to the clothes that Kagome wears in Inuyasha. The idea for her was to wear some kind of nerdy/intellectual outfit, and I chose Kagome's school uniform because I was watching Inuyasha at the time.
Spike's idea was just to make something simple, but with a slight dragon motif to convey that he was once a dragon (if you didn't know that, then what the hell are you doing on this chapter)?
Shinobu's clothes were something in line with the casual idea that she and Rarity were working on, and the shirt she wears is something that an ex-girlfriend of mine used to wear.
As for Pinkie, obviously she was based on Travis's fantasy.
Cameos in this chapter were made by Kimmy Howell, and Rosalind and Juliet Starling from Lollipop Chainsaw. And if that reversed first level of Lollipop Chainsaw is wrong in any way, please tell me, as I was working off of memory. Thank you all. Rock on \m/
No More Heroes: Friendship is Fucked!!
Chapter 19: Master Planner
Chapter 19
Master Planner Assassin 100
The first order of business was to knock away the letters that threatened to smash Twilight.
Spike and Dash took care of them quickly before they had to turn their attention to their first attacker: Flutterbutt, who tried to take all of them out in one single swing of his overly long sword.
Spike pulled Twilight to the floor while Dash jumped over the gigantic sword.
Everyone else in the room dodged it blade their own way, except for Gina who held her own sword perpendicular to the cut. The force of the swing sent her flying backwards into the barrier.
"You wanna keep that swing under control," Gina yelled as she got back to her feet and charged Applejack.
"Okie-dokie," the young boy said AS WIND SWIRLED AROUND HIM.
None of the others could believe what they saw: the letters that came from Assassin 100's console swirled around Flutterbutt until they became a tornado that engulfed him and lifted him into the air.
Twilight had thought she wouldn't meet anyone there who could use magic, but it seemed that her assassin was one of those few humans who could. She and all the others watched as the young assassin's tornado began to travel around the arena, sucking them all up and tossing them all to separate areas of the arena.
Twilight landed with Spike and Travis, who both readied themselves as they saw another volley of words came in to SMASH TWILIGHT.
Travis batted them all away with his Blood Berry, and readied himself as another wave of letters were coming.
MINIONS JOINED THE FIGHT TO WEAR THE COMBATANTS DOWN.
"Wait! What does that say!?" Travis asked as he looked around as the letters all landed around them. It came to him when the letters morphed into an indeterminate number of random goons like the ones Travis used to kill before an assassin fight.
He and Spike stood back to back as the armed opponents closed in on the three of them.
The first attacker made his move against Twilight, with a pipe held high to cave her skull in.
He was quickly disarmed by Spike, who crippled the thug with a strike to his knee.
Once the thug was down Spike was targeted by another thug who pulled a gun out of his jacket.
Three shots were fired at Spike, each one deflected by Travis, who then charged the gun-toting minion and cut him to shreds, making him disappear in a shower of blood.
Twilight would have been horrified by the what she had seen if her life weren't in immediate danger by another thug with a baseball bat full of nails.
She caught his hands before he could swing at her, but she was struggling to keep him at bay.
Twilight knew that she wasn't strong enough to hold him much longer and needed to do something.
She kneed him in his stomach and twisted his bat out of his hands, hitting him in the face with the tail end of the handle when she did. She had often attacked other opponents, but never physically. Only ever with her magic. Doing it this way felt different to her, like it was much more personal. She didn't like how it made her feel to hit someone like that, but it was what needed to be done if she wanted to live. She held onto the bat and continued to watch Travis and Spike hold off any attackers, hoping that she wouldn't have to get involved once more.
TO MAKE THINGS INTERESTING, PINKIE WAS PROVIDED COVER AGAINST GLASTITS' GUNFIRE.
Those letters scattered around the area where Pinkie and Glastits landed and morphed into raised walls and blocks for her to hide behind.
Just in time too, since Pinkie dove behind a wall that was tall enough for her to stand behind as a stream of bullets came in to reduce her to a puddle of Pinkie blood.
It was only a short reprieve since she could hear the bullets stop, and footsteps rapidly approach her from the other side of her cover.
She couldn't run, since Glastits would just pursue her with that killer cannon of his.
The only option she had was to find a way to incapacitate him.
Just as she saw him come around her cover, she swung her fist and hit him in his face.
But the assassin was not to go down so easily.
At such close range, Glastits knew that his heavy gun wasn't much good. He dropped it in favor of simply going hand-to-hand with Pinkie.
Glastits thought that his match was in the bag after his first few hits landed on her face. He came even closer to winning when he grabbed her fist and twisted her arm.
But he didn't count on Pinkie being so skilled.
With her face to the wall, Pinkie ran up the vertical surface and flipped her body so her arm was straightened. She maneuvered her opponent to trip him and place her foot on his throat to keep him on the ground.
But the agent was also no pushover.
He grabbed Pinkie's foot and twisted it, sending her off balance and allowing him to stand once more to unleash a chain of roundhouse kicks.
Once Pinkie had been driven back far enough, he doubled back to collect his gun, and immediately fired at his opponent.
Pinkie dove behind another wall, thinking that maybe this wouldn't be as exciting as she'd anticipated.
Dash, Shinobu and Henry all awaited to be attacked by an opponent, but were relieved when they saw that no enemies came with them.
They nearly ran off to assist each of their allies, but they noticed a volley of letters coming in from above them.
They tried to dodge the attack, but each one homed in on and was absorbed by Shinobu.
SHINOBU BEGAN TO FEEL STRANGE, AS HER VIOLENT URGES SURFACED AND TOOK CONTROL OF HER.
"What did that say," Dash asked as she read the attack that assimilated with her friend's body.
She and Henry both stepped back as they watched Shinobu turn to them with her sword ready to attack.
"I'm sorry," Shinobu said quietly before she made a quick draw attack at Dash like the one that almost killed her before.
Dash was ready this time, and blocked the cut.
As she and Shinbobu locked swords, Dash could see in her friend's face that even though she wasn't in control of her actions, she was completely aware of them.
Henry came in and cut his beam katana through Shinobu's midsection, making her stagger backwards.
"How do we snap her out of it," Dash asked.
Henry only shrugged when he gave his answer.
"In my experiences, the best thing for it is a good, sound beatin'," and he charged in to keep up his offensive.
Dash had always thought of herself as a protector of her friends, and to have to fight one severely conflicted with her very nature. But then again, Shinobu had to be released from the control she was under, so by fighting her, she would actually be saving her. Even that reasoning didn't sit well with Dash, but it was all that she could work off of to muster the nerve to do what needed to be done. She charged in with her sword drawn, prepared for the worst to come.
As soon as Dash entered the battle, Shinobu split herself into two phantom copies to hold off both attackers.
It seemed that now Shinobu was under the control of another, she had no inhibitions when it came to using the full limits of her speed and skill.
Dash had trouble keeping up with the acrobatic strikes that assaulted her.
It was when she met with Henry between the two phantoms that she ended up getting the higher ground.
The two coordinated their own team attacks, vaulting over one another to strategically befuddle the two phantoms.
Their attacks brought them closer to one another to the point where they ended up making physical contact to direct each other towards their opponents.
It soon became a kind of dance to them that seemed so natural, as if they were meant to be together like that.
They earned a reprieve when Henry took Dash's hand and spun her so that she could slash both phantoms before kicking them away, ending Dash and Henry pressing their bodies together.
It was now or never. Dash quickly spoke her mind.
"We should go out after this."
"Agreed. Right shoulder."
Taking Henry's cue, Dash spun with a slash to her right, which was blocked by one of the phantoms.
This was going to be great: not only was she going to save her friend and defeat another powerful evil, but she had a date afterwards. All the more motivation to succeed.
Silvia watched on, thrilled with how things were going. There was action, betrayal, and now love had bloomed on the battlefield. Her heart leapt with joy, but not for Dash and Henry. As far as she was concerned, they could both burn in hell for Henry leaving her, and for Dash stealing him away.
Her sentiments were with how she would set up a format for her new assassination program. There were two things that people loved more than anything: drama and blood, and so far both were happening. With any luck, it would keep up until the very end and she would be set for life.
"Now where were we," Peaches asked as she faced Rarity and extended a length of her whip between her hands. She approached Rarity the same way that she had before, slowly, prolonging the kill to be made.
Rarity slowly backed away until she found her back pressed up against a wall. With no way out, she balled up her fists in an attempt to defend herself, but her shaking hands would do nothing to hold off her opponent. \
Both women were surprised when a dagger flew in and barely missed Rarity's head.
"Quit dragging it out and kill her already," Cream shouted as she pulled another dagger out of her jacket.
As she lunged at Rarity, she felt her sister's whip wrap around her wrist and pull her back.
"What the fuck, Peaches!?"
"She will die, but it will be as I see it fit: as quickly and with as little mess as possible," Peaches responded, again in her icy tone.
"Sure, because what's more important? Killing her or making sure your dress stays pretty?" Cream spat back as she pulled her arm out of her sister's weapon's grasp.
Rarity could see that this was going to lead to a long, bitter argument between them. She had done the same thing with her own sister before several times, so she knew from experience that they would be at this for a while and not pay any mind to anypony or anything else.
She discretely reached down to pick up the dagger that missed her, in case she would need it to defend herself and tried to sneak away without the twins' knowledge.
No good though, since the twins came to blows and began fighting one another, putting Rarity in the middle of their fight.
Rarity had to hold up the dagger that she had "borrowed" from Cream to block a swing from Peaches whip.
The excess length of the model's weapon swung around to get Rarity with the bladed tip.
But Rarity found that she was not the target of the attack, as the blade nearly cut her sister's face, who blocked it with her own blade.
Cream grabbed the whip below its bladed point and pulled hard, bringing her sister towards her.
Peaches was brought crashing into Rarity, and the two fell closer to Cream, who brandished a dagger for each of them.
They both barely managed to dodge as Rarity avoided the attack altogether, while the sleeve on Peaches' dress got cut, making both the model and the fashionista gasp.
"You bitch!" Peaches growled as she swung her whip at her sister.
"Ooh, did you just curse?" Cream asked sarcastically as she deflected the whip towards Rarity, "So much for setting an example for your little--sister!"
She threw two daggers as she spoke the last two words.
In the meantime, Rarity continued to try and sneak away, and stay alive long enough to reach one of her combat savvy friends.
Applejack had made no moves during her fight, and the same went for her larger opponent.
She and Gina simply tried to stare one another down once more into surrendering, but once again their equally indomitable natures prevented them from doing so.
"You ain't gonna give up, are ya," Applejack asked her opponent.
"Would you," the former griffin rebutted.
She did have a point.
Applejack acknowledged once that she and Gina were very alike in their personalities, and it was proving to be a problem. She often defeated opponents through sheer intimidation or overwhelming power, but Gina had both to match her own. Maybe even surpass her.
In any case, she was going to honor the ways of an assassin and end the fight with one of them dying, and it wasn't going to be her.
Before she could even move, Gina tossed Applejack her sword.
Applejack looked at it, confused as to why her opponent would relinquish her weapon so readily.
It became clear when Gina dragged her finger across the scar on her neck, daring Applejack to try her luck again at killing her.
Against anypony else, Applejack would have thought they were making it too easy, but she knew that Gina was different.
Putting her thoughts aside, she made her first move by trying to cut her opponent in half.
Her offensive was easily countered when Gina took a blindingly fast step forward and drove her knee into Applejack's stomach.
Applejack reeled backwards from the blow and dodged a massive uppercut from Gina.
She countered with an elbow to Gina's face, and followed it up with a jab combo before swinging her sword again.
This time, she only slightly nicked Gina's arm, which was not enough to falter her.
Gina retaliated by picking Applejack up by her collar and headbutting her into a daze.
She dropped Applejack to the ground, and lifted her foot to stomp her head and crush it.
Applejack dodged the stomp and she swung her sword again.
The sword hit home on Gina's hip, its blade digging into her flesh, this time getting her opponent to yell in pain.
Gina pulled the sword out of her leg and backed off to briefly grieve over her wound.
It was only a second later that she had dodge another cut from Applejack.
She clutched both of Applejack's arms in one of her own and punched her away with her free hand, disarming the farmpony in the process.
Applejack reeled backwards and tried to charge again, but stopped when the claymore was tossed back to her.
So, this was how she wanted to play it?
If that was how she wanted it, fine.
She would just have to play along.
Fluttershy only barely managed to dodge any attacks that came her way.
Despite being half her age, her opponent was vastly more skilled in combat than her.
Every time Fluttershy dodged, it seemed that he had anticipated her movement and struck where she was going to be.
She stopped abruptly when her opponent's enormous sword crashed down in front of her, and tried to backpedal away from it, only to stop once more before the sword cut her in two again.
TO DEFEND HERSELF, FLUTTERSHY WAS GIVEN A WEAPON.
The words quickly shrank in size and converged into Fluttershy's hand. Quickly, they morphed and took the shape of some kind of small cannon.
The look of it reminded her of the one that Glastits used, only it was much smaller and more compact. Also, it was jet black in color as opposed to the agent's garish, pink cannons.
Fluttershy didn't know what it was, but she knew that it was meant to be deadly.
Despite that she had been given a means to defend herself, she had no intentions of ever harming her opponent. Not even the fact that her life was on the line would sway her gentle nature.
She dove to the side as another downward strike threatened to cleave her in two, discarding her weapon in the process.
Only a short distance away were Rainbow Dash, Henry and Shinobu.
If Fluttershy could reach them, they could help her against the butterfly who had been given a second chance to kill her.
She clambered to her feet and ran as fast as she could to the safety of her friends.
Her progress getting to them was hindered as COLUMNS BEGAN TO SPROUT FROM THE GROUND, AS IF TO EMULATE THE FOREST SETTING WHERE THE ASSASSIN WAS FIRST ENCOUNTERED.
Both combatants were knocked off their feet as the ground beneath them shook and warped as tree-like columns came out of the ground, obscuring each other from view.
These proved to be little trouble for Flutterbutt, who cut down a whole row with his oversized weapon and continued hacking his way towards Fluttershy.
This spurred Fluttershy to run away, but her progress was hindered by columns growing in front of her.
She stumbled over one column that was beginning to sprout in front of her and kept running as more and more sprouted before her.
Finally, her foot caught on one of them, causing her to fall.
She grew distressed when she felt it grow underneath her.
Up it went, high above the rest of the battlefield with her on top of it.
When it stopped, Fluttershy desperately tried to look for a way down, before her fear of heights made her cling to the surface at the top of it.
However, a way down had been provided for her.
The column she was atop suddenly jolted as if a quick tremor happened beneath her.
Then she felt a familiar sensation of movement as the base of the column slipped from where it had been cut.
Fluttershy panicked as the column she was on lurched forward, forcing her to make a desperate leap to the next column as it grew up from the ground.
She held onto the edge of it, her fingertips barely keeping her from falling.
She felt the column she was on jolt and tilt forward once more.
Using the forward movement she gradually reoriented her balance and center of gravity so that the further the column fell, the more upright she could walk.
This plan failed once the column actually hit the ground, and the resulting shock took her off her feet and over the edge of her column.
Once again, Fluttershy landed on a column that began to sprout, which brought her high above the battle.
As she rose, she could see that she was only a short distance from her friends. All she needed was the means to get there from her rising perch.
Before she could find one, she was cut down once more.
As Fluttershy fell this time, no more columns sprouted. This time, she was sure she wouldn't survive the fall.
But then she realized something: she had both a means to survive, and reach Dash and Shinobu.
Just as her feet slid off the top of the column, she reached her hand out to grab the edge of it.
She clung closely to the top of the falling pillar, and hoped to Celestia that she wouldn't die when she landed.
With a loud crash, she felt a in impact tremor course into her body, making her let go of her handhold.
When the dust settled, she could see that Dash was on one side of the fallen column while Shinobu was on the other.
"Rainbow Dash," Fluttershy shouted as she rushed into her friend's safe proximity.
As soon as she had reached Dash, Shinobu's phantom came jumping over the column with her sword ready to cut them both.
Dash blocked the cut as Shinobu's phantom gained a foothold on the rounded surface of the column.
"Wait! It's us!" Fluttershy shrieked as she hid behind Dash.
It seemed that her words didn't reach Shinobu, as all she did in response was somersault over them and try to cut Fluttershy.
Once again, she was blocked by Dash.
"Something happened to her," Dash explained as she stepped between Shinobu and Fluttershy to continue their fight, "Henry says we need to beat some sense into her, and she'll be back to normal."
Fluttershy took a fearful step backwards until her back was to the fallen column.
It seemed that she had only stepped out of one danger, and into another. She was then reminded that she hadn't left any danger at all when a giant sword came crashing down where she was standing before.
Flutterbutt raised his sword again to cleave her against the wall to her back, but the boy was bombarded by three familiar energy orbs.
Henry appeared in a whoosh and summoned five more orbs to assist him.
He then parried an attack that came from Shinobu's second phantom as Fluttershy tried to step to a safer distance.
As she did, the giant sword came down again, only to be blocked by Dash and Henry crossing each other's swords. They then both blocked their respective phantom opponents before they were cut in two.
In the background, the gigantic sword swung from one side, forcing Dash to block it and kick Shinobu's first phantom away.
Then it came in from the other side, making Shinobu's second phantom jump over it.
When it came to Henry, he jumped over, cutting his opponent and sending his orbs into her body.
Fluttershy watched on, wishing she could do something to help, and soon her wish was granted.
THE GUN SHE WAS GIVEN EARLIER REAPPEARED IN HER HAND, AS THOUGH BY MAGIC
Sure enough, with a flourish of red, the small, black cannon reappeared in her hand.
Fluttershy looked at the weapon, not wanting to have to use it, but knowing she had no choice.
She held the gun in her shaking hands and took aim at the phantom that was attacking Dash.
Though she had never seen a gun before, she knew that something was going to happen once she pulled the trigger on it. Whatever it was, she knew it wouldn't be pleasant, especially considering that it was going to happen to somepony she recently became friends with.
Once again, she saw Flutterbutt swing his giant sword from the background to cut all four of them in a single swing.
Fluttershy lost all control of herself.
She snapped her aim to the young assassin and closed her eyes tightly as she pulled the trigger three times, each one assaulting her ears with the loudest bang she ever heard, and sending a shock through her hands.
When Fluttershy opened her eyes to see what had happened, she saw the boy on the ground with his hand on his bloody shoulder.
Fluttershy couldn't believe what she had done.
She dropped her gun and ran to the child's aid, not even caring about the fact that she had to dodge the strikes of her battling friends and came to a stop in front of the agonizing boy.
Fluttershy tried to calm him down, telling him that it was alright and that she could help him, even though she herself doubted she could.
The young assassin allowed Fluttershy to move his hand so that she could more closely examine the wound.
When he did, Fluttershy could see that it was a deep wound unlike any she had seen before. She had no knowledge of how to treat a wound from a weapon like the one she used, and he had no first aid supplies with her to at least try.
She took the boy's hand as tears welled up in her eyes.
"I'm sorry..." Fluttershy said as the tears began to pour down her face. Not only had she hurt him, but she failed to take care of him afterwards. Now all she could do was offer her comforts by gently embracing the boy and hope he'd forgive her.
The truth was that she already had, in a sense.
Flutterbutt was touched by how even though she had no reason to do what she was doing, she simply did out of concern for the well being of all others, no matter who they were or what they'd done, without any feelings of spite to be found.
He returned the embrace and joined her in her tears, but their time together was cut short when they both felt a pain unlike any other.
Looking down, they both could see a length of bladed steel between the two of them, protruding from bloody wounds in their abdomens.
Looking over his new friend's shoulder, Flutterbutt could see Shinobu standing behind her, and then slash her sword out through their sides.
Fear gripped them both as they could feel their very lives bleeding away.
"It'll be alright..." Fluttershy gasped as she cradled the boy's head. "E-Everything's going to be fine..."
During their fight, the phantom that was fighting Dash could see the two embracing, and took the opportunity to do away with them both.
Dash didn't even have time to blink before the deed was done.
Without even thinking, she charged towards the second phantom and grabbed its hair as she ran by it.
She smashed its face into the fallen column and ran towards the other phantom, plowing the face of the one she held into the pillar as she ran.
When Dash reached the phantom that had attacked Fluttershy, she threw the one she held into it and the two merged to form one solid being again.
But Dash wasn't done yet.
She swung her sword into Shinobu, over and over, taking advantage of the delay that happened whenever Shinobu's phantoms merged.
Shinobu would not be forgiven for betraying her friends, and Dash would see to it that she wouldn't live to regret it.
With a final powerful swing, Shinobu's head was severed from her body, and landed next to Fluttershy's corpse.
The rage left Dash, and she was suddenly overwhelmed by what had happened, and by what she had done. She failed to protect Fluttershy, and instead of saving Shinobu she ended up killing her.
Dash had seen death before when Travis first killed Glastits all those months ago, and the flood of feelings came rushing back to her. The anxiety, the nausea, the sheer will to collapse all hit her even harder now that it was her who was responsible for the death of another. Not only that, but the death of a friend.
She made sure Shinobu wouldn't live to regret her actions, but now what about herself.
There was no going back from this. In her own eyes, she was a failure.
Dash jumped when she felt Henry's hand touch her shoulder. Before she could even think, her arms were around his neck, and her face was in his shoulder as she cried for her lost friends.
Though he was a total stranger to her, he was the only one who she could lean on in her time of need. The way that he cradled the back of her head quieted her sobbing, but did nothing to ease her sadness.
"We can still save the others," he tried to reassure her. Some part of her knew that he was right. Even though Fluttershy and Shinobu were dead, that didn't mean the others had to die as well.
With an affirming nod, Dash tried to collect her nerves and do what needed to be done.
"I-I'll go to Pinkie...She's not far from here," Dash said shakily as she let go of Henry.
"And I'll get to whoever else is nearest," Henry said before he started to run. But then he hesitated to speak to Dash once more, "I'll try to come back alive for ya."
Dash didn't know how she should take that. She definitely felt something for him, but even so, if he did come back they may end up having to kill one another.
Shaking these thoughts from her mind, she picked up Shinobu's sword and ran off in Pinkie's direction to help her with her opponent.
Pinkie hid behind another wall for cover as Glastits blindly shot around, but lost track of her as the debris flew around and blocked his vision.
"Come on outta hidin'. There's a hot piece o' lead here with yer name on it."
Pinkie could hear him approaching her again. She would have blindsided him again, but he would be expecting that.
She zipped around to the other side of the wall as soon as he quickly stepped around it to her side.
"Ya can't laugh yer way outta this one, darlin'. I ain't some figment y'all can guffaw inta oblivion like all the other scary crap out there."
Pinkie knew that he was right. She learned from experience that not everything can simply be laughed away, but thanks to Travis, she learned how to deal with those things.
"Unless ya get real serious real fast, all that funny's gonna come back an' kick ya in the head!"
Pinkie placed her hand on top of the wall, jumped, and swung her feet into the back of his head, making him drop his gun again.
Before he even hit the ground, Glastits somersaulted to a standing position and didn't even have time to think before he had to defend against Pinkie's manic attacking.
Their fight went on, and the two went back and forth on the defensive.
At one point, Glastits grabbed Pinkie in a sleeper hold to choke her out, but something happened that he never would have expected.
Pinkie simply turned her head and slipped out of his arms like water, slid backwards between his legs, grabbed his ankles and pulled his feet out from under him.
She then executed a powerful heel drop on his chest, but missed when he rolled to his feet and punched her stomach, making her keel over.
Using the momentary stun to his advantage, Glastits quickly recovered his gun and took aim at Pinkie.
Pink energy built up at the front of the gun, signalling that he was about to unleash a devastating attack that nearly killed Travis before.
Pinkie was about to attempt to dodge it, when suddenly Rainbow Dash came in and cut Glastits' with her sword and kicked him away.
"Don't even think about it" Dash growled as she took a defensive stance with a sword in each hand.
"Dashie," Pinkie greeted her friend, "Where's everypony else?"
Her heart sank when she saw the sullen way Dash looked at the steel blade in her hand. One look at the hilt showed that it had distinctive silver engravings, indicating the sword was Shinobu's. What stood out even more was that her sword had fresh blood on the blade.
"Fluttershy and Shinobu...they didn't make it..." was all that Dash said.
Pinkie couldn't believe what she had just heard. She took a second look at the bloodied blade in Dash's hand and tried not to jump to any horrible conclusions. There was no way that Dash would do such a thing. It went against her very role as the Bearer of Loyalty. She just couldn't do it.
"Ain't it a sad thing, losin' a friend," Glastits said as he leaned his back against a wall with a wide smile on his face, "I was the first one who died, so I wouldn't really know, but I'd bet dollars ta donuts my friends were devastated when yer boyfriend cut off my head. 'Course, up 'til now: you gals wouldn't know anything about that either. Y'all just sat and waited all tense 'til yer friends came home for ya ta welcome 'em with open hooves. None o' my pals got that feelin' of relief. An' after so long I'm willin' ta bet they just gave up an' resigned ta dying one after the other. Funny thing is, even if we weren't bein' forced inta this, we still woulda done it."
"Why," Dash said as she clenched her fist around the handle of Shinobu's sword.
"'Cause when yer friends die, all ya have is their memory. So why not honor it by fightin' for them?"
"You mean revenge," Pinkie asked.
Her question made the assassin's smile shrink to a thoughtful smirk.
"Ya might call it that. I might not seem the spiritual type, but I kinda see it as fightin' beside 'em in an existential sense. Sorta like a link between the worlds o' life an' death."
The two women paused when they heard the assassin's words. Sure he was scary, insane, and a general meanie, but he made a weird kind of sense.
Memories of their friends echoed to Dash as she looked at Shinobu's sword one last time before she tossed it to Pinkie.
"Come on, Pinkie. Let's bring 'em back," she said, hanging onto any way to keep her lost friends close.
It seemed that Mr. Crazy-Glass-Tits was right.
As Pinkie charged forward with Shinobu's sword in her hands, she felt as if her white-haired friend was running right alongside her. She took her swing, and could feel the power of the two of them in her attack.
Glastits held up his gun to block it, only to be staggered under the power of her blow.
Next came Dash who cut right into him.
The two friends ebbed and advanced one after the other, and soon felt like victory was upon them, but the assassins always had something up their sleeves.
With a sudden burst of stamina, Glastits fought back with a violent fervor that overwhelmed his opponents, even bludgeoning them with his heavy gun like it was an oversized hammer.
"This must be the phase of the fight where they pull out all the stops," Pinkie thought to herself. She learned from Travis that when an opponent is close to defeat, they redouble their efforts to win. It was the most dangerous part of any fight, but it was also the most crucial, given that at that point victory could go either way.
But it didn't seem like it would be theirs.
With another mighty swing of his gun, Glastits knocked both of his opponents to the ground and charged up his energy beam attack.
Pinkie had no time to react as the energy beam came for her.
Her life didn't even have time to flash before her eyes when Dash pushed her out of the way.
Pinkie landed hard and turned to see if Dash had escaped as well.
The beam dissipated, and Pinkie saw Dash lying on the ground, her face bloody and her clothes torn. She was breathing heavily, which the fact that she was breathing at all was a great relief to Pinkie, but the bastard still had to pay for what he had done.
Pinkie charged once more as another energy beam was shot at her.
She jumped high over it, and reached Glastits just as he adjusted his aim to her.
She landed on top of his gun, pinning it to the ground and swung her sword at him over and over.
With one last cut, she severed both of Glastits hands as he futilely tried to block her cut.
To give him a taste of his own medicine, Pinkie kicked her opponents gun into her own hand and began to viciously beat him with it, returning every ounce of pain he inflicted on her and Dash.
She ended up pinning Glastits against a wall with the front of his gun, eagerly anticipating the pull of the trigger.
Glastits knew that he was just defeated, and once again smiled widely before his impending demise. Before he left to paradise, he offered Pinkie one last piece of advice.
"Times like this, all ya can do is laugh."
He began to chuckle, but as soon as Pinkie pulled the trigger and the bullets started tearing him apart, his light chuckle became a mad cackle that rang in her mind louder than his weapon ever would.
Pinkie let go of the trigger, and watched as Glastits collapsed to the ground.
"Ha...ha...ha..." came his last words as his smile slowly turned to a frown before he died.
Pinkie then became aware of how heavy the cannon was and dropped it to the ground with a loud thud.
"Dashie!" Pinkie said to herself before she ran to her friend's side.
Dash was still breathing, but it was much weaker than it was before.
"Dashie, hold on! I can help you!" Pinkie shuddered. She had watched Fluttershy work plenty of times to try and emulate her first aid practices, but it seemed that Dash thought otherwise.
Dash shook her head 'no' as she reached to her side to grab her sword and deactivate the blade.
With her other hand, she held Pinkie's and placed her sword handle in her friend's hand, then closed Pinkie's fingers around it.
With one last deep exhale, Pinkie saw Dash close her eyes, and felt her hands go limp.
"Dashie? Rainbow Dash!?"
Pinkie held her fallen friend in her arms, crying profusely, and it wasn't her usual hysterical wailing. They were tears for a fallen friend, not something to get a laugh from those stupid watchers past the wall, who did nothing to stop this from happening.
She held Dash tighter, and observed the Nimbus in her hand and understood why it was given to her. Now that Dash was gone, who was going to look after everypony? It would have to be up to her to look after the others now.
"I'll do it, Dashie," Pinkie sniffled as she laid Dash down, "I'll protect what's precious to me."
She stood up and ran to the aid of her friends with a sword clutched in each hand.
Spike had disarmed one of the thugs of the chain he was swinging at him, and wrapped one end of it around his attackers neck to pull him down and punch him in the face.
Two more thugs appeared and charged Spike.
"Catch," Spike yelled as he threw the other end of the chain at the thug furthest from him.
The thug caught it, and the third man who was between the other two's neck caught on the length of chain, taking him off his feet and pulling his allies to the ground with him.
Twilight saw that Spike was now without a weapon. She wasn't in any immediate danger at the moment, so she decided it wouldn't hurt to lend him a hand.
"Spike," she called to him as she tossed him her bat.
The boy caught it and clubbed another advancing attacker in his leg, crippling him.
Twilight's choice to give her weapon to Spike was unwise, because at that moment MORE THUGS APPEARED TO ATTACK TWILIGHT NOW THAT SHE WAS HELPLESS.
"I'm not helpless! I'm just combat deficient," Twilight said as the words morphed into more random thugs.
After cutting three more opponents with a single swing from the Peony, Travis glanced over to Twilight to see how she was doing, and she wasn't doing well.
Enemies were closing in on her, and it would only be a matter of seconds until the got her. He picked up a crowbar and threw it to Twilight.
"Sparks!" He called as the crowbar almost missed its mark and hit a thug in the back of his head. Lucky break though, since it bounced into Twilight's waiting hands.
Twilight took a few wild swings at her approaching attackers, only barely managing to fend them off to give her enough space to reach Spike.
When she did, she helped him to fight off the opponents who were attacking him.
They were almost ambushed from behind, before a blur whooshed past them and cut the three attackers over and over until the finishing cut was dealt, which made them burst into a shower of blood until they disappeared. When the downpour stopped, Twilight and Spike saw their savior to be the man who was with Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy earlier.
"You're..." Twilight began before the man finished for her.
"Henry. Travis's twin. Nice to meet ya," he said just before he spun around at an incredible speed to cut another attacker who tried to blindside him.
"Travis has a brother," Spike wondered aloud. He always kind of thought that he was like Travis's little brother, but why didn't he ever mention he had an actual, biological brother before. Maybe they didn't get along as well as he and Travis did.
"We aren't exactly whatcha call 'close family,'" Henry briefly explained as he fought off more opponents, "Just stick with me. You'll be safer with me than ya ever will with Travis."
This got Travis's attention as he finished cutting down another gun-toting thug.
"Oh, would you listen to this guy," Travis proceeded to mock Henry's Irish accent as he spoke, "I'm Sir Henry Mother Fucker. I fight with style and finesse to put me ballroom dancin' lessons to good use. I only had one playable level!"
"There wasn't enough disk space," Henry rebutted as he fended off another attacker.
"Yep, they're definitely brothers," Twilight though as she watched the two bicker.
Then in the distance, she noticed three figures fighting one another. Rather, it looked like two of them, the Parfait sisters, were fighting each other, and poor Rarity was caught in the middle of it all.
Twilight would have gone to her aid, but in this human body, she didn't know how easy that would be. She needed to find a way to stay alive and help her friend, and wracked her brain for an answer.
"Rarity!"
"Oh no," Twilight thought, "Spike!"
It seemed that Spike had seen the same thing that she had and ran to Rarity's aid without a second thought. She almost ran after him, but then hesitated and allowed him to go.
After what she had seen what he was capable of doing, she realized that he didn't need to be coddled as much as she previously thought.
Twilight then had to defend against the downward swing of an opponent's katana before clubbing him in the head.
"Preening snob!"
"Psychotic hooligan!"
"Stuck up bitch!"
"Foul mouthed upstart!"
The Parfait sisters traded insults as they traded blows with each other, all the while keeping Rarity trapped between them.
Poor Rarity was having trouble fending off the two of them, who apparently hadn't forgotten that they were trying to kill her the way that they seemed to be trying to keep her in their sights.
Rarity could see figures far in the distance, and decided that that should be her destination.
She blocked another whip strike from Peaches and ducked under a dagger thrown by Cream.
As much as she hated to do so, she crawled low to the ground and tried not to ruin the dress she was wearing. It really was a lovely dress, and she wanted to replicate it when she got home. But her first priority was to survive this battle and go home.
The battle carried on like that for the longest time to Rarity, who was only just lucky not to get killed after dodging each attack from either sister.
She could see herself getting closer to the figures and from where she was, she could see that three of them were Twilight, Spike and Travis. Now that she was so close, she became motivated to get to them as quickly as possible, by any means necessary.
Rarity saw Peaches' whip swing in front of her and miss hitting Cream, only to have it keep swinging towards her.
The height of the swing placed it at Rarity's neck, and she knew that if it kept coming towards her, it would wrap around her neck until the bladed point dug into her exposed flesh and severely cut her.
Reacting quickly, Rarity grabbed the length of whip, and as soon as she had, a thought occurred to her, "What would Spike or Travis do?"
She remembered watching him and Travis fight the sisters before and the ways that they used objects in their environment to their advantage.
At the moment, Rarity's environment was the whip in her hand, so the answer came to her in less than a heartbeat.
With a strong pull, she brought Peaches toward her, and as soon as she was close enough, grabbed Peaches' arm and pushed her to the ground as she tripped her opponent.
"Sorry," Rarity said quickly before she tried to leave.
Before she could even start, Cream came dashing at her, making Rarity brandish the dagger she had taken from her earlier.
Instead, Cream came to a stop over her sister with one of her own daggers on Peaches' neck.
"This is a long time coming, sis," Cream said with a sadistic grin.
Once again, Cream was going to payback Peaches for all the grief she had been put through, and this time she would feel no remorse for it. Anything that she ever had with her sister was now meaningless, and losing her would be nothing to her.
"No," Rarity shouted as she tried to pull Cream away from Peaches before she could kill her.
Cream stood up and Rarity barely managed to parry the cut Cream sent to her.
"'No,' what?" Cream asked impatiently. "What the fuck business of it is yours if I kill my sister? You should be thanking me, since she's the one who wanted you dead in the first place so that we wouldn't have to kill each other! You can see how that worked out! If it wasn't for her, I wouldn't be here right now, about to kill both of your high and mighty, pompous asses!"
Rarity slowly backed away as Cream spoke. If what she said was true, then Peaches really was the villain in all of this, and maybe she did deserve punishment. But something that Cream said made a new thought come to her. One that may quell Cream's fury.
"She wanted me dead because she loves you so, Cream."
Cream tightly gripped her daggers and began advancing towards Rarity, making the fashionista fearful for her life.
Rarity continued to try and reason with her assassin.
"I've learned so much from you both since that day in Manehattan."
Cream slowed down slightly, but kept her dagger at the ready.
"When I heard your sister's last words to you, I realized what I must do to keep from becoming like you and Peaches. I learned that I had to show my sister how much I Ioved and appreciated her. If I hadn't done that, she would have drifted away from me and I'd lose her forever the way Peaches lost you. I didn't want her to forget that she and I have a responsibility to one another."
Cream stopped advancing on Rarity altogether at that point, and looked back on her time with Peaches. She remembered how when they were fillies, their parents told them something similar about responsibility and the value of having a sister. But then how over time, Peaches seemed to lose interest in being a sister, and instead chose to treat her more as something that was just there to take along for the ride. She recalled how much it hurt during the process of being phased out as a sibling, until the point came where she felt nothing for her anymore.
All those memories threatened to make Cream burst from the flood of pent up emotions. All of her painful memories brought a myriad of rage and sadness into her being, all because of that stupid Bearer of Generosity.
She had to make the pain go away, and she was going to stop it at its source.
"You talk too much..." Cream said quietly as she brandished her dagger once more for Rarity and slowly resumed her advance.
Rarity thought she had reached her assassin and averted her desire to kill, but it wasn't so.
She clutched the dagger in her own shaking hands, desperately not wanting do use it, but knowing that now it was her or Cream.
The assassin was upon her and Rarity thrust the dagger to Cream's chest, but something happened that thwarted her attack.
Peaches placed herself between Rarity and Cream at the very last moment and had the dagger plunged into her own chest, deep into her heart.
Rarity let go of the handle and stumbled backwards, not believing what she had done.
Cream caught her dying sister before she fell.
"Peaches..." she said with a tremble.
But Peaches put her hand on her sister's cheek to stop her from talking. She knew she didn't have much time, and she had to answer her sister's question."
"Because however different we are, a sister is more precious than anything else..."
And once more, Cream watched her sister die.
Her sister's words echoed in her head, briefly recalling to her how close they were when they were younger. This built a new rage inside of Cream, and it was all for Rarity.
Cream rapidly approached the fashionista, who tried to defend herself with the dagger she held, but it was no use.
"Bitch," Cream growled as she pushed Rarity's weapon away and cut her face.
"Bitch," she said again, cutting the other side of Rarity's face.
The finishing blow was dealt when she took her dagger and stabbed Rarity in her stomach.
Rarity had never felt such pain in her life, but with it came the same sensation when Peaches nearly strangled her to death. The shortness of breath, the fading of her vision.
She felt Cream's blade pierce her back, and then knock her to the floor when she pulled it out. And then another, and another, each one of them slightly less painful than the last, until she felt no more and she knew she would never replicate the dress she was wearing.
Cream continued her brutal fury after Rarity died, but her butchering was cut off by a furious kick to her face.
She recovered from her stunned state, and only briefly saw the human form of the little dragon who gave her and her sister so much trouble in Manehattan.
As he charged again with his baseball bat in hand, she could see the pure rage in his face. It was the same kind of rage that she had for Rarity, and now she had to face it head on.
Cream was able to deflect his first few blows, only to have one strike her leg, the nails in the bat digging deep into her flesh.
Cream retaliated by sticking one of her daggers into Spike's shoulder.
The boy recoiled from the intense pain that nearly put his arm out of commission, but he kept up his onslaught, for the sake of his darling Rarity.
Spike landed a few more hits before Cream put another dagger between his ribs, but once again, it only seemed to further enrage Spike, making him attack faster and harder.
Because of her, Rarity was dead, and he never got the chance to tell her how he felt about her. She was almost more precious to him than Twilight, and now she was gone forever. The assassin was going to pay for this, no matter what the cost.
Spike and Cream traded a few more blows, ending with Spike getting another dagger stuck in his stomach.
"Why won't you die!?" Cream yelled before she felt the bat impact her ribs, and heard a sickening crack.
In a last ditch effort to win, she grabbed Spike's collar and plunged a dagger into his neck.
No good, though, since the boy still had enough stamina in him to swing one last time.
His final swing impacted her head, and the nails lodged themselves into her skull.
Cream's eyes went wide, and with a shuddering breath, she dropped dead.
Spike himself had begun to succumb to his many wounds and nearly died there with Cream.
But that would not be the way he would have it. He still had business to take care of.
Spike needed to make himself presentable for what he was about to do, and painfully pulled each dagger out of his body one by one. He smoothed his clothes and his hair as well as he could and shambled as boldly as he could to Rarity's side. When he reached her corpse, he psyched himself up and knelt down to take Rarity's hand.
"Rarity," he whispered, cursing himself that he only had the courage to speak his heart after she was dead, and he was dying, "...I love you..."
And he fell silently beside her, still holding her hand in his.
Across the way, Twilight glanced over to see how Spike was doing, and saw his crumpled form beside Rarity.
"Spike! Rarity!" She shouted before trying rush to them.
She knew she shouldn't have let him go alone, but she did anyway. He was too young and inexperienced to do it on his own, and now she was paying for her irresponsibility.
Her attempt to reach her friends was cut off by a pair of armed thugs who both tried to kill her.
She fought them off as best she could, before she was overwhelmed by their power and knocked to the ground.
Before they could deal the killing blow to her, they were both cut down by Travis and Henry.
After being saved from death, Twilight once again tried to go to Spike and Rarity, only to be stopped by the brothers.
"You'll get killed if you run off like that," Travis said as he held her back.
Henry cut down an approaching opponent and stepped in front of Twilight.
"He's right. You'll have a much greater chance to survive if ya stay with us," he added.
Somewhere in the back of her mind, Twilight knew that he was right. But that didn't sate the fact that she still wanted more than anything to go over and mourn her friends. It was only the fact that MORE THUGS APPEARED TO CONFINE TWILIGHT AND HER FRIENDS TO A SINGLE AREA that stopped her from going to them.
At the furthest part of the room, Applejack wasn't making any recognizable progress with fighting Gina.
Every time she came close to making a killing blow, Gina disarmed her and gave her weapon back.
Applejack's resolve to defeat her opponent grew every time that the sword was handed back to her.
Applejack hadn't landed a single blow on her opponent, who just kept taunting her, trying to goad her into killing her again.
Applejack once again felt Gina's fists impact her face, and her knee in her side.
Instead of recoiling the way Gina meant for her to do, Applejack threw a punch of her own, having grown gradually more resistant to the power of her opponent's attacks.
Gina hadn't expected this to happen, and only barely managed to dodge the attack, with Applejack's fist only grazing her face.
With the distance between them, Gina kicked Applejack's sword hand, knocking it upwards into the air and kicked Applejack to the ground before backpedaling to a safe distance.
Her sword landed between the two of them, its point digging into the ground.
Gina made no moves to recover it, and stood waiting with her hands on her hips, allowing Applejack to get it for herself
Applejack rushed to the sword, motivated by thoughts of going home back to Equestria, back to Sweet Apple Acres where her family would welcome her with open hooves.
Her family!
She stopped short of the sword when it was in arm's reach.
What would she tell them if they asked how she survived the encounter? How would they see her if she had to tell them that she had to kill her opponent, just to satisfy her desire to live by some violent code of ethics? Granny would likely disown her as her granddaughter, and Big Macintosh would probably never speak to her again. And Apple Bloom was so young, and didn't need the mental scar of her big sister being a murderer.
With one last look at the sword, Applejack stepped away from the large blade.
During the whole battle, Gina had taken pleasure in taunting her opponent by allowing her to use her own weapon, but now that she was just staring back at her, she began to grow irritated.
"Aren't you gonna pick it up," she asked, hoping to provoke Applejack into attacking her with it.
"Nope," Applejack said concisely, further annoying Gina, "Don't need it." She realized that by using the sword, she was only bringing herself closer to giving in to her desire to murder her opponent. She nearly lost herself before, and she had not intentions of going to that dark place again. Without it, she had a better chance of ending the fight without a casualty.
Gina almost grabbed the sword herself to cut her down, but then hesitated when she realized why Applejack was doing what she was. She knew that Applejack understood the ways of assassins, but still refused to acknowledge them. Something had to be done about that, and Gina decided that she would have to help her along by playing by her rules. All she needed to do was find what nerve to press.
She cracked her neck and rolled her shoulders before taking an unarmed stance, showing Applejack that she was willing to play along.
"That's better," Applejack thought as she rushed in to attack.
She was able to back Gina against a wall and pummel her nearly to submission before her larger opponent caught her fist, grabbed her hair and smashed her face into the wall.
Before Gina could twist Applejack's arm into a submission hold, Applejack stomped her foot and followed up with a backhanded fist strike.
She decided then to repay Gina for the painful knee strikes she'd been on the receiving end of, and thrust her knee hard into her opponent's stomach.
Once Gina keeled over, Applejack followed up with a knee in her face, which knocked her backwards.
Before she could pin Gina and punch her face to a bloody paste, she felt Gina's heel kick her chest and send her backwards.
The impact of the kick made the unthinkable happen: Applejack's hat fell off her head to be caught by the waiting hand of her enemy.
Gina stood up and looked at the hat in her hand briefly. A glance at Applejack, and she saw how the farmer was eyeing the hat, like she was just robbed of something valuable.
Gina smirked as she realized that she just found the nerve to strike. She put the hat atop her own head, and motioned for Applejack to come and get it.
That was not an offense to be taken lightly. That hat was the only possession of her father's that she had, and if anything happened to it, it was like profaning his memory. The mere fact that Gina was wearing it was enough to make her picture her dad turning in his grave.
No thought was given as Applejack rushed in before the hat even touched Gina's head.
Applejack fought furiously to try and recover her most precious possession, but no matter what she did, Gina would simply counter with her own move, or play a sadistic game of keep away with her.
Gina made a bold move and hovered the hat over Applejack's head, and pulled it away whenever she tried to grab it.
It became too much for Applejack to bear. She could not allow anypony to insult her or her dad this way, and she was going to get it back by any means necessary.
When they got near it, Applejack grabbed Gina's sword and took her swings at her opponent.
She nearly got Gina once, but the swing was stopped by her opponent placing her hat in front of the cut, only barely managing to stop before she cut it.
A new strategy was needed to get her hat back.
Applejack quickly stepped forward, and turned the sword around, knocking the wind out of Gina with the pommel.
Reaching down, Applejack pulled her hat from Gina's grip and placed it atop her own head, but at a terrible price.
Gina was done playing around as well. Now that Applejack was close enough, she could end the fight as the victor. She reached out and wrapped one of her hands around Applejack's neck, squeezing as tightly as she could.
Applejack tried to break her opponent's grip, but she proved to be much too strong. She desperately tried to escape, but there was nothing for it. Nothing but the sword in her hand.
It was all she had, and she needed to survive for her friends' sake.
Applejack did what she knew she had to do. She pulled her arm back and thrust the long blade deep into her opponent's stomach. But even then Gina remained stubborn.
Gina wasn't ready to die just yet, and with her free hand, she reached down to grab the length of the blade that jutted from her stomach. With a pull, she brought Applejack, who still held fast to the hilt, closer to her proximity and wrapped both of her bloody hands around her neck, now squeezing with twice the power.
Applejack strained against the force of her larger opponents grip, trying to pull her hands away, but at the same time something else was giving her pause. She knew that if she ever killed anypony, for any reason at all that she'd never be able to live with herself. This same reason kept her from killing Gina before, but now that she had succeeded, she was warped by her actions and wanted out from it.
Her will to resist grew weaker as her opponent's stranglehold grew stronger. She felt herself gradually growing limp before she blacked out entirely.
With her opponent dead, Gina herself was ready to walk into paradise. She dropped Applejack's still from and crumpled to the floor alongside her.
Henry and Travis were now pressed back to back as they defended Twilight from the various thugs, and the flying letters that tried to literally spell TWILIGHT'S DOOM.
They were both beginning to wonder how much longer they could keep this up as they both could feel their limits being reached. They locked swords with a pair of opponents, who nearly won the struggle, until they were both knocked back in two flashes of silver.
When they rose to their feet, they found their attacker to be a pink-haired newcomer.
"Get! The buck! Away! From my coltfriend!" Pinkie said as she struck the two into submission. She nearly dealt the killing blows herself if Travis hadn't done it himself.
Before Travis could even greet her, Pinkie surprised him with a furious kiss. It still didn't stop them from fighting, since both remained aware enough to cut down advancing opponents.
"Pinkie! What happened? Where are the others?" Travis asked, when he broke the kiss.
"Oh, Travis...Dashie's dead," Pinkie answered on the verge of tears, "And Fluttershy and Shinobu too. What about everypony else," she finished hopefully.
" Brace yourself, Pinkie," Travis said, trying to ease her into the bad news, stopping to fight long enough to hold her steady as Henry took over defending them all, "Spike and Rarity were both killed."
Hearing it all over again made Twilight's stomach lurch.
"And Applejack?"
"Nobody's seen her."
"Then that means..." Twilight began as she did the body count in her head, "We're the only ones left! After these thugs die...we'll have to kill each other!" Twilight finished as her voice gradually became a frighted squeak with every word she spoke.
"We may not have to," Henry voiced his thoughts.
"You're right. There's always a way out of these things," Twilight said, remembering all of the seemingly impossible situations that she and her friends got out of before.
High on the safety of his lofty perch, Assassin 100 was watching the battle unfold on the various monitors he had.
He drank the rest of his green tea and tossed the empty bottle on the floor with the rest of the hundreds of bottle that the fat pig never threw away, having not left his monitor in weeks.
He began to grow bored watching all the little pawns fight, and decided that he had not been meddling nearly enough. Something had to be done to speed up the fight, since there was really only one person that he cared about seeing die.
He flexed his fingers and typed simply that HENRY SHOULD DIE NOW.
The words sprang from the system and down to the battlefield.
Back down on the battlegrounds, the four survivors all tried to formulate a plan to escape alive.
Henry noticed the letters that were coming for him and batted each one away, but it didn't seem to do him any good.
As soon as he did, they regenerated and kept falling to crush him.
He desperately fought for his life, periodically getting help from Pinkie or Travis who took time out to help him in addition to protecting Twilight, despite the fact that they themselves were almost getting crushed in the process.
The more this went on, the more that Henry realized that it wouldn't let up until it had done its work. He was only putting them in danger if he was in their midst.
He slowly backed away from the others, deactivated his sword, and put it on his belt.
"Henry! What the fuck are you doing!?" Travis yelled as he noticed what his twin was doing.
Henry said nothing, but he didn't need to for Travis to realize what he was doing.
"Quit this martyr bullshit and get back here!" Travis ordered as he cut through more thugs to reach his brother.
No good came of his pleas, or his effort to reach him.
He watched Henry dramatically spread his arms as he allowed the letters to smash him into oblivion.
Assassin 100 had taken care of one nuisance and now he had to simply swat the other flies. He would have simply done the same thing he had done with Henry, but his fingers paused, hovering over the keyboard as a new idea occurred to him.
It was sure to make things more entertaining to watch, and it was just what he needed to get a few kicks.
His fingers went to work and typed his message of death.
Travis and Pinkie both worked tirelessly to keep Twilight safe, even giving her tips on how to better protect herself.
Things became heated when finally, Travis became overwhelmed by his opponents.
Pinkie rushed in to save him, even going so far as to kill one of them, making Travis wonder what the hell she was doing before she reached him.
After killing her opponent, Pinkie saw something rushing towards them all. She could see that they were more letters thrown at them by that fat nerd, but couldn't make out what they said.
She readied herself to destroy them, but as they came closer, she could see that they read DIE TRAVIS, and her mind snapped to what had just happened to Henry.
The letters each tried to assault Travis one at a time, but Pinkie would not have this. She was determined to uphold the promise she made to protect Travis, and had no intentions of letting any harm come to him.
As Pinkie continued to swat away the letters, they rearranged their formation to come at Travis stacked beside each other to steamroll him under their power.
The letters grew in size, now larger than any one of them there so that they could maximize their killing potential.
Pinkie had to do something to save Travis, and it didn't matter what. If it meant that Travis would survive, and share the special love that she and him had, no price was too great.
She placed herself between Travis and the letters, and with one last look at him, she conveyed that she truly had no regrets for her actions as the words morphed to spell out DIE PINKIE.
Time stopped for Travis as Pinkie's demise grew closer and closer. He needed a way to avert this situation, and keep everyone safe. He had failed to save the others, but he wouldn't fail to save Pinkie.
He tapped into his latent stamina and focused his mind...
BAR...
"No! Not that! Anything but that one!"
BAR...
"I can't let her see me that way! Don't let her see that side of me!"
BAR...
"Danger..."
Then it came. The monster was out. An epitome of rage and hate for all the world to see but him. His bloodlust set it free, a freak with no morals or limitations or a sense of right and wrong.
As the wall of letters was upon him, Travis swung his katana to destroy it, only to have the whole thing pass right through him, and plow Pinkie into the ground.
The letters disappeared after they had made a bloody streak about fifty feet long, with Pinkie barely clinging to life at the end of it.
Now there was nothing left for Travis. He completely gave in.
He began to work his way to attack the surviving assassins, starting with the one nearest to Twilight.
The man screamed loudly as he tried to scramble away from his attacker, but to no avail.
Travis jumped and swung his weapon, cutting the thug in two and creating a monstrous spray of blood in the process.
In her final moments, Pinkie watched what was once Travis cut through his attackers one by one without even batting an eye at doing so. She knew her coltfriend, and that was not him. What happened to him, she would never know. And it was a heartbreaking question that she would take with her into the next world.
Travis continued to mercilessly slaughter the remaining enemies, each of them screaming in fear as they saw the killing machine approach them.
Their numbers gradually thinned out as Travis killed each one of them in the most horrible, bloody, painful ways that his twisted mind could think of. Soon, they were all dead and only he and Twilight were left. There was only one thing left to do.
"Travis?" Twilight asked fearfully as she saw the way he was looking at her.
There was one person between him and Assassin 100, and she was turning a sickly pale color as he stepped toward her.
Twilight tried to raise her weapon against him, but knew it would do her no good. He was too far gone, and there would be no defeating him. He had lost what was the most precious him, and was determined to take it out on the one who had taken it from him.
She dropped her weapon as Travis seemed to tower over her, no longer the friend she knew and now an evil being who couldn't be stopped.
"Travis..." Twilight whimpered before the blade came down and split her in two.
All it came down to now was killing the fat fuck who was fighting from behind his killer keyboard.
Travis dashed to the force field in front of the impossibly long stairway and whaled on the wall over and over, his strikes amplified by the power of his dark side. But even then, the wall of hard light deflected his blows.
He tried the trick he used to get through in the first place, but AN ELECTRICAL CURRENT KEPT TRAVIS FROM GETTING THROUGH.
Assassin 100 knew that he had no chance against Travis in a face-to-face fight, especially when he was like that. He simply decided that he would wait it out, until he came down from his dark side mode, then he'd let him through. Of course, even then he would make sure Travis never got to him alive. But there was one thing that he hadn't counted on.
The wall was made to specifically hold off Travis, but nobody else.
It seemed that he hadn't quite succeeded in his ploy to kill Henry, who dashed in and opened the wall for Travis.
"Go," he yelled before THE ELECTRIC CURRENT COOKED HIM ALIVE.
Travis didn't even stay to watch Henry's charred corpse fly away from the wall before he jumped through the opening his brother made for him.
This was bad.
If Travis was still in his dark side mode by the time he reached him, Assassin 100 knew he was in deep shit.
He tried to stop Travis's progress any way he could.
MOUNTED TURRETS SHOT AT TRAVIS.
They were cut down.
THE STAIRS GREW HIGHER.
Travis climbed them even faster.
THE STAIRS BECAME A STEEP SLOPE.
Travis used the Rose Nasty to climb the surface.
TRAVIS'S TWO KATANAS BURNED OUT.
Travis jammed his bare fingers into the solid surface to climb ever closer.
It didn't matter what he did. Travis found a way out of anything that was thrown at him, and only increased the speed at which he was approaching.
Now it looked like Assassin 100 would have to quit fighting with his keyboard and attack head on in the real world, something that he always had trouble doing. But maybe, just maybe if he could surprise Travis, he could win.
He looked at the little knife he had on his belt, and decided that it would have to do. He observed the monitor to keep an eye on Travis's progress, and saw that he was just coming over the edge of the stairs.
Travis took the fully charged Tsubaki off his belt and charged to attack as Assassin 100 turned around.
Unknown to everyone present, Jeanne had followed Travis to the UAA building to see if she could do anything to help him. She had done the same thing years ago, but was only a little kitten at the time, and could do nothing that would help, due to her small size. Now she was full grown, and learned a few trick from her years of feline mischief.
That fat guy sitting in the chair was planning something, and she knew exactly what it was. It was the same thing that her Travis did before he turned around to suddenly pick her up and rub her tummy, but she knew that tummy rubs for her Travis weren't in that fat, disgusting gorilla-pig's plans.
In less than a second, Assassin 100 turned around and was on his feet, knife raised to stab Travis, but before he even too the first step, Jeanne rubbed her side against his shins and his foot caught on her, making him trip right towards Travis's waiting blade.
He didn't even have time to scream before Travis cut him over and over.
The first cut had sent him flying back into his chair, and as Travis went to town, he not only destroyed him, but he destroyed the chair and the entire computer system.
Even after he was in pieces, Travis kept cutting until he was reduced to a pile of meat chunks.
With one final cut, Travis cut apart the one who had made life miserable for his friends with a gory satisfaction.
The final assassin had been defeated.
ASASSIN 100 LACERATED, EVISCERATED, COMPLETELY ANNIHILATED
Silvia had taken a service elevator to reach the top of the stairway and watched as Travis slowly repressed his dark side. Once he seemed to be in a reasonable state, she approached him, making Jeanne hiss ferociously at her arrival. Silvia ignored the cat to speak to Travis.
"So, now you see that this is where you belong, yes," she wondered.
No response came from Travis, his face an unreadable mask.
"Now, now, Travis. Don't give me that silent treatment. You know as well as anyone that all you are is a sick killing machine, no matter how hard you try to deny it. I know that when you were killing all those men, and especially when you killed my star client that you felt a disgusting pleasure that only comes from fulfilling your greatest desire."
Travis knew that Silvia was right. He was sick. He was a freak. His greatest pleasure came from killing others, but that wasn't the only reason he did it.
Ever since he went to Equestria, he found that defending others was so much more rewarding than killing for his own personal pleasure, even if he didn't get paid to do it. He learned so much while he was there, which changed him from the human garbage he was before. He was more than a killer now, but without anyone to care about, he was back to nothing.
"Travis," Silvia started, after she allowed her words to sink in, "I would like to offer to represent you as an assassin again. And I want to emphasize that it will come with some very, very good benefits."
As she spoke the final statement, she reached out and traced her fingertips under the belt line of Travis's pants.
It was a very attractive offer, from a very attractive ex-girlfriend, but he wanted nothing to do with her or her business anymore. He'd be damned if he ever killed for anyone else's pleasure again, like some glorified game show competitor. Plus, he had to pay Silvia back for calling Pinkie a ditz.
Travis's fist shot out and connected squarely with her jaw, impacting so hard that if the human eye could perceive things at such speeds, Travis would have seen her jaw dislocate, one of her eyes bulge slightly out of its socket, and one of the vertebral discs in her spinal column slip which would render her a quadriplegic for the rest of her life.
The punch Silvia received sent her spinning through the air until her body hit the stairs, and she went ragdolling down the steps, until she landed unconscious at the bottom.
Travis sat down on the top step, presiding over the slaughter that he was responsible for. Memories of Bishop's death flashed in his mind, but to him, this was thousands of times worse. Not only did his friends get killed, but so did his only living relative and his girlfriend. Not only that, but he was responsible for the death of one of them, and all because of his selfish desire for revenge. As usual, despite his victory, he had been defeated.
He sat for several minutes reflecting on everything that had happened to him since he became an assassin.
It was all one great big, long, bloody ride from start to finish, and he hated every second of it. What was he talking about? There was no finish. Now without any of his friends, what was there? The only thing left for him was to continue his life as an assassin, hoping to one day be killed by someone who was truly better than he was, (like that would ever happen to someone like him).
With a sigh, he resigned to his fate and began to contemplate where he would get more work as a contract killer.
Jeanne had never seen her Travis look this sad before. Every time that he did, she always did her best to help him feel better like any good cat would, but she didn't know if anything she did would help him this time.
Looking over, she saw something lying on the ground that was long, slender and flexible with three metal things on the end. Playing with string always seemed to help her Travis before, so it was worth a try.
Jeanne took the strange thing in her paws and began rolling around with it, getting herself tangled up in its length.
Still no response from her Travis.
She got his attention by letting out a meow, and as soon as Travis turned to look at her, she started rolling around more with the strange string thing.
At first, it seemed her idea had failed, but then she saw his face light up and he reached over to grab the string thing.
Her ploy had worked as Travis dangled the end with the metal parts over her head for her to bat at. The string never failed before, and it still worked its magic now.
"This is it! Jeanne, you've done it!" Travis happily announced as he held the power cable in his hand.
A brief search yielded him finding an outlet to plug it into.
Travis placed the metal prongs into the slots, knowing that every shitty, insane, backwards odds were against him, trying to prevent him from keeping anything dear to him.
At first, nothing happened, then came a quiet hum of machinery working.
One by one, the screens on the computer console lit up, though most of them were blinking or fuzzy.
Good enough for Travis, since all he needed was a working screen and a keyboard.
The keyboard had been slightly broken as well, but still looked functional.
Travis hunted and pecked for each one of the keys to spell out the words COME UNDONE before hitting 'enter.'
Those letters drifted from the screen and down the steps towards the corpses below.
His plan was working, and he began to feel a renewed sense of hope welling up inside him. He would have rushed down all of those steps to be there when his plan came to fruition, but he had a lazier idea.
Turning back to the keyboard, Travis typed in that THERE SHOULD ONLY BE TWO STEPS AND THE ROOM SHOULD BE SMALLER, and the stairs shrank from their grandiose height to a more modest and manageable size. The room became smaller too, now a much more sensible size with only a few steps between any of the corpses.
Travis and Jeanne both watched as COME UNDONE worked its magic first by expanding to cover the entire floor and drifted down on top of all of the fallen warriors.
BUT NOT SILVIA, OR HER FAT FUCK, Travis typed.
Those letters made a barrier that shielded them from the benevolent blanketing of the first statement.
Though he learned in Equestria that everyone deserved forgiveness, he wasn't ready to give his to either of them yet.
Travis and Jeanne both skipped the steps, jumping directly to the floor below and rushed to Pinkie's side. He watched her as the words came down and gently covered her like a sheet, and made all of her injuries go away. Every cut, every bruise, they all disappeared as Travis looked on, his heart growing lighter by the second.
Pinkie moaned quietly, as if she were waking up from a nap. Slowly, she opened her eyes to be greeted by the sight of Travis's smiling face.
"Travis!" She said as she wrapped her arms tightly around him, "I just had the worst nightmare where you turned into a monster!"
Travis rubbed her back to stop her trembling.
"It's alright, Pinkie," he consoled her gently, "It was just a dream. The nightmare's over."
He had no idea just how right he was. All around him, the others healed and began to awaken. As they did, they each looked around, not remembering what happened before they were forced into combat.
"Did something just happen," Fluttershy asked as she looked around, not sensing any hostility in the room anymore.
"We got written back into the story again," Glastits affirmed as she helped Rainbow Dash to her feet.
"Strange," Cream mused, "I should be really mad about that. But for some reason, I'm pretty okay with it." She then helped her sister to her feet.
Everyone else in the room took one last look at each other before regrouping near the stairs.
"So, what happens next," Dash asked as she held Fluttershy who had her arms wrapped tightly around her. Just like everyone else in the room, Dash wanted all of this to be put behind her and hope that something better was to come along.
"Twilight," she asked, hoping that she of all ponies would have an answer.
"Don't look at me," Twilight said with a shrug, "This is all new to me."
She only spoke the truth. In all her years, in all her time defending Equestria, she had never experienced anything even remotely like this. She was glad that everything, and everyone had returned to normal, and was going to start trying to work on a solution. But she was cut off by a sudden gasp from Pinkie.
"Wait! Travis, you just saved us from every assassin! Do you know what that means!" She said in a panic.
All of Pinkie's friends saw exactly where her train of thought was leading. Twilight took it upon herself to relieve Pinkie of her worries.
"Pinkie."
"You have to go back to your own world!"
"Pinkie."
"But I want to keep you!" She wailed as she wrapped her arms around his neck and her legs around his waist, "I won't let you go! Never, never, never, never--"
Pinkie stopped abruptly as it seemed that something dawned on her. Apparently, Twilight wasn't going to have to spell it out for her this time.
"Wait a second: you're already home!" Pinkie said excitedly.
She was only half right though.
"We still need a way to get back to Equestria," Twilight said, "And I think I already know a way."
Travis was one step ahead of her. He promptly went back to the keyboard.
AN AKASHIC POINT THAT LINKED DIRECTLY TO EQUESTRIA OPENED UP AT THE BOTTOM OF THE STAIRS, and it waited to be used.
"Well, I guess this is it," Glastits said his farewell, "Think I'll quit the killin' biz an' do something productive with my life. 'Cept right now, I think I'll take some time out ta treat myself."
He decided that was all he needed to say before he jumped through the akashic point.
After him came the Parfait twins. Cream was all ready to leave through the dimensional doorway, but Peaches stopped to talk with Rarity.
"Miss Belle," she began, a hint of anxiety in her voice, "I know that this situation is a tad unusual, but I would be honored to visit your shop when we return home."
Rarity was surprised at first by what she heard, but it passed quickly, and she gave the model an affirming smile.
"The honor would be all mine." Rarity then turned her attention to Cream, "The shop has also recently been stocked with casual wear, so you're welcome to come along as well."
Cream smiled at the offer, but politely declined it.
"Thanks, but no thanks. I think I want to do some things for myself for a bit. Maybe see if the town has a place to rent sound equipment."
"Scratch and Octavia's music emporium. It can be found on main street," Rarity helpfully informed.
"Thanks," was all Cream said before she eagerly jumped through the akashic point.
Peaches turned to Rarity and motioned to the portal.
"Shall we," she asked.
Rarity nodded and the two stepped through.
After them came Applejack and Gina.
"Hey," Gina began before Applejack cut her off by punching her square in the jaw. Gina rubbed her face, and offered no retaliation. "Guess I deserve that one. Tell ya what: how about we don't see each other for a while before I try to make this up to you?"
"Call it a year or so," Applejack responded, to which Gina accepted before they both stepped through the portal home.
After them came Fluttershy and Flutterbutt, who's hand she gently held.
Fluttershy said nothing to her friends, but in her mind, she was making plans to adopt the boy when she got home. If anything, a boy so young needed somepony to be his mother, and even though it was a very big, somewhat scary step, she had confidence that she could do it.
She was approached by Jeanne, who was happy to see Fluttershy alive again. She picked the tabby up with her free hand, and the three of them went through the portal back home.
"It's been one hell of a day," Shinobu said to everyone before she went through next, "And Dash: sorry about almost killing you...again."
Dash felt a pang of regret at what she had done to her friend, but now that things had been undone the feeling quickly passed and a smile crawled across her face.
"Hey, why don't we make it up over a race through the clouds. Last one in's a rotten egg!" Shinobu quickly finished before she abruptly jumped through the portal.
Dash was about to follow her, not about to be beaten even in something as insignificant as who got home first, but something stopped her.
Looking back, she saw Henry as he walked past her and stopped short of the portal.
"I've always wanted to travel abroad," he said to Dash, "I'm gonna need someone to help me get acquainted with me new surroundin's."
"Look no further," Dash responded with a grin, "It just so happens that nopony makes a better tour guide than me."
She eagerly took Henry's hand and pulled him through the portal with her.
The only ones left now were Twilight, Pinkie and Travis.
Pinkie and Travis hadn't stopped kissing since everyone started to go home, and Twilight wasn't about to stop them. But she did pause to take one last look at Travis, feeling honored that she had ever met him.
She remembered how when she first saw him when he came to Equestria, she never would have believed that he could have been a hero of any kind. She was sure that he was the wrong pony for the job, but in her time with him, he proved that despite his flaws and the horrible things he did, he was everything a hero should be. And even then, he would simply keep it all as quiet as possible, thinking nothing of his actions and act like it was just the right thing to do.
With a smile, Twilight went back home to join her friends and await the arrival of everyone else.
Travis and Pinkie ended their kiss and began walking to the portal to go back home, but Travis hesitated a moment.
"You go on ahead, Pinkie. I have one last thing to do."
Pinkie was curious about what he intended to do, but allowed him to do so anyway.
"Just don't be long," she said sweetly after a short kiss, and left through the portal.
Travis went back to the console and typed that ONCE HE WENT INTO THE PORTAL, IT WOULD CLOSE UP BEHIND HIM, AND THE CONSOLE WOULD SELF-DESTRUCT SO THAT IT COULD NEVER BE REBUILT OR REPLICATED.
Satisfied with his work, he turned to face the portal and jumped into it headfirst.
After the trip which only took a split second, Travis landed hard on the ground and shook any dizziness from his head.
He stood up, delighted to find that he was now back on four legs and had a horn on his head.
A scan of his surroundings showed that he was back in Ponyville, and that it had been completely repaired.
He didn't know it, but his 'Come Undone' machination had worked in Equestria as well, even bringing back all the casualties that happened since the first days the assassins attacked.
But still, something was very off right now.
Where was everyone?
Travis looked left, right and straight ahead, but there was no sign that anyone was living there.
He began to feel slightly bewildered and started to feel panic growing at the base of his spine that began to shiver up his back.
"Turn around, silly," he heard a familiar voice say behind him.
Travis did as instructed, and turned to see the entire population of Ponyville, and the assassins all waiting for him under a banner that read 'Welcome Home.' Everyone he knew from town was there, with his friends all at the front ready to welcome him.
Pinkie stood directly in the middle of the front row. With a burst of streamers and sparklers, Pinkie rushed forward into Travis's hooves, who picked her up as he spun her around and kissed her. They could have stayed like that forever, but Pinkie had a good point to make.
"This isn't just about us. Come on, everypony! Let's party!"
With a shout, the festivities commenced.
Author's Note
That's the end of Travis's Equestrian adventure. And everyone is happy, except for Assassin 100 and Silvia. You know: the bad guys.
Sorry if the content was a tad, you know, unsettling, but logically some of them would die in the process of a battle royal after all. And wow, it was uncomfortable to write. I guess I'm just a sensitive person (I understand that Quentin Tarantino is the same way, feeling uncomfortable while writing abhorrently violent scenes).
The reason for the happy ending and all was because if things were left as they were after everyone died, that would really, really, really, really, really suck ass.
I also want to apologize if the chapter was a bit annoying to read either, given the abrupt size changes in the text. If it's not what any of you were expecting for the end, sorry about that, but them's the breaks. That and I started staying up late again to cram in more writing.
Now for some good news: even though the adventure is over, the story is not. After all, you can't have a prologue at the beginning without having an epilogue at the ending.
No More Heroes: Friendship is Fucked!!
Epilogue: A Royally Kick Ass Party
Epilogue
A Royally Kick Ass Party
It was the same at every party. Vinyl Scratch and Octavia stood on the stage together and argued over who would play the music for the gathering.
Scratch would argue that Octavia's music was outdated and would do nothing but put everypony to sleep.
Octavia would shoot back that Scratch's music can't even be defined as such, since she didn't actually play any instruments, and how the classics never go out of style.
Usually, they left the decision up to a coin toss, but this time the decision was made for them.
Both musicians were so busy arguing that they didn't notice sound equipment being magically placed behind them with a peach-colored aura. Speakers, amps, cables, the whole shebang got set up without either one of them realizing what was happening.
As they bickered on, Cream stepped in and set up her microphone. She magically retrieved her guitar and did a few final touches to the tuning and plugged it into the amp. She then belted out a tune that blew the other two musicians off the stage.
The music that Cream played was something that hadn't been heard in Ponyville before. It was fast-paced and simple, with only a few chords played, but at the same time it was chaotic and insane. Her lyrics spoke of the values of individuality and resisting the pull of tyranny, which kindled a passion in the ponies who listened to her song, making them reevaluate the way they did things because it was they way that somepony else told them to do it. It was new, and they loved it.
A mosh pit formed in front of the stage where ponies expressed their love of the music in a violent, yet good-natured, fashion.
Peaches watched the show from a safe distance, smiling for her sister's success. She had forgotten what a talented musician she was, and now that she was off her reins, she could finally express herself. In her peripheral vision, she saw Rarity step to her side.
"Hello, Peaches," Rarity greeted cheerfully, "Are you ready to stop by my boutique?"
Rarity had been asking that for a while, but Peaches kept delaying to experience more of the party. She was always going to those gossipy, quiet, stiff parties that were thrown by industry higher-ups, so it was a nice change of pace to be in a setting that was much more boisterous and served more than vegetarian and soy snacks.
"After the party ends, Miss Belle. For the moment, I'd like to enjoy my sister's show. From a safe distance of course," Peaches answered, indicating the mosh pit.
"Most certainly. A place like that is unfit for such a pair of ladies like ourselves. I mean, I understand expressing passion for music, but that is so--"
"Let's check out that pit," Sweetie Belle said as she, Applebloom and Scootaloo all ran past the older mares and started working their way through the crowd to the front of the stage.
Rarity was going to run after her sister and her friends, but was stopped by Peaches.
"They'll leave if it gets too rough. For now, why don't you go enjoy the party with your friends," Peaches said, and Rarity walked back to the buffet area where her friends were.
On the way, she happened to pass a few familiar faces.
Glastits was sitting in a patio area with Stagger Jack and Mr. Waddle trading jokes.
"An' the guy throws the giant rock out the window, an' sees a piece o' paper on his bedpost that says 'Torture #2: Testicle tied ta rock,'"
Jack and Mr. Waddle both cracked up, until Glastits hushed them to finish his joke.
"Then he sees a third piece o' paper that says 'Torture #3: Other testicle tied ta bed post.'"
All three of them had to hold their aching sides as they laughed hysterically at the end of the joke.
"All dat from foolin' around wit da guy's daughtah? Jeez, dat's rough," Jack said as he wiped a single tear that leaked out of his eye, "Where da hay ya been all dis time. We need some guy to scrape away da tahnish all da open mic hacks put on my excuse of a stage. What's ya name, strangah?"
"Name's Marion Glastits." His eyes narrowed when Jack and Mr. Waddle cracked up again. "Ya wanna hear the one 'bout the guy who walks inta a bar?"
"I know dis one. He says 'ouch,'" Jack finished for him.
Strangely, Glastits felt no contempt for these two for laughing. Hell, how could he when they were both such funny guys?
Except Mr. Waddle wasn't laughing at the joke.
"Aw, take a train, Jack! That joke stinks," he said with a dismissive wave of his hoof.
"What kinda train's he takin'," Glastits asked, confusing the other two, "Chew some gum, it's a 'chew-chew' train. Pack it with philosophers, it's a train o' thought."
The three all laughed hysterically once more.
"Here's a philosophy lesson for you: I think, therefore I am. I guess you younguns don't really exist," Mr. Waddle shot back, making them all laugh even louder, annoying the Rarity as she went by.
She passed through the crowd and could see Gina in a weight lifting contest with a large, muscular pegasus.
The pegasus walked over the the largest barbel, which had weights on each end that were roughly the size of a foal. He easily lifted them over his head, and got a round of applause. He dared his opponent to try and match his power.
The applause stopped and he looked around to see why, now noticing that the entire crowd was far below him.
Looking down, the pegasus saw that his rear hooves were held in the single open claw of his griffin opponent, who flexed victoriously as she held him high over the crowd, along with the giant weight he held.
Walking down the road, Rarity saw her friends at the buffet table happily chattering away. All except for Spike, who was walking back and forth across the surface of the table, stacking gemified snacks higher than his head on the plate he held
Jeanne trailed behind Spike, quickly gobbling down all the snacks that fell off the top of his stack, minus the gems of course. She preferred to keep her teeth.
Pinkie had also opted to snack heavily, stuffing food into her mouth at a rapid pace.
As Rarity walked closer, she could see Fluttershy talking to a large butterfly who was resting on her nose, before the insect flew away down the road past her.
"Hewwo, pwetty hown-pony," Flutterbutt greeted her as he flew down the road to is destination.
Rarity took her spot next to Fluttershy and made a plate for herself.
"Hello, sweetness," Rarity greeted her friend, "I couldn't help but notice that you made a new friend. What were you talking about, if you don't mind my asking."
"I was just telling him where the other bugs gathered so he could be with insects his own age and make new friends," Fluttershy explained.
That was Flutterhshy for you. Always thinking about the welfare of others. As Rarity looked around she noticed that the stallion of the hour was missing. Without Pinkie, no less.
"Where did Travis run off to. You would think that after the day he had, he would enjoy a pleasant reprieve."
Applejack sighed, and rubbed her temple before she answered.
"Over there with Shinobu, Dash, an' his brother."
Everypony looked to where she pointed and saw their four friends fighting with their swords drawn.
Henry had turned into an orange earth pony with a brown mane and tail, the same color as his hair was back in Santa Destroy. Oddly, despite not having any magic, he was still able to conjure his energy orbs to attack.
"Do I want to know how they came to blows," Rarity asked, deadpan.
"They got into an argument over who the better sword fighter was and decided to settle it over a duel," Twilight explained, exasperated that they still wanted to fight, despite the joviality around them, "They said that whoever hits everypony without getting hit themselves is a winner."
She looked over to Pinkie, whose face was covered in frosting from all the sweets she had eaten, and saw her salaciously lick her lips. She wondered why Pinkie didn't join the brawl, and unleash her libido on Travis at the most inappropriate times, but she guessed that maybe she would rather enjoy the pastries she made after seeing Pinkie dig back into the food.
During the fight, nopony landed a single hit on each other. Though there were times when they came close, they couldn't outmatch one another.
Shinobu, however, had a devious plot to win, which she put into play.
"Me and Pinkie kissed earlier!"
It worked.
All of her opponents stopped, stunned at the confession.
Travis's sheathed weapons all activated as he let out a surprised shout.
Taking this opportunity, Shinobu unleashed a roundhouse kick that sent her friends flying back to the buffet table.
"You and Shinobu kissed," Travis asked Pinkie excitedly as he sprang to his hooves, "Did anyone see it? Did you get a picture?"
"Nopie-dopie. It was a special moment that we shared alone. Unless you want to see a replay," Pinkie said suggestively.
"In your dreams, Pinkie," Shinobu answered as she put together a plate for herself.
Travis looked at all of his friends who were present. He felt a sense of satisfaction and belonging that he never had back in Santa Destroy. Here, he knew he was going to be happy no matter what happened. Sure, there were going to be the times where he may have to assist with keeping the balance of harmony again, but he'd have been more than happy to do it with his friends beside him. Things were going to be different in Equestria.
Dash had been putting a plate of food together for herself, but couldn't concentrate when Pinkie was cramming anything edible into her mouth at an appalling speed.
"Jeez, slow down, Pinkie!" Dash said as she watched her pink friend stuff her face. "You're eating enough for two ponies!"
Pinkie reached out, took Dash's hoof and pressed it gently against her stomach.
"Dashie, you silly filly," Pinkie giggled, "I am eating for two."
"Whupfuhpuwhuh!??!" Dash sputtered as the news hit her like a brick wall she flew into at top speed.
All of her other friends let out excited squeals and crowded around Pinkie to hug her and take turns feeling her stomach. As they carried on, Travis got his own hearty congratulations from Shinobu and Henry.
Spike heard the commotion and put down the Pure White Lover Bizarre Jelly manga he was reading. He was slightly confused about everypony's reactions, given his young age, while Jeanne continued to eat his snack stack from the bottom up.
"I don't get it," he said, as he licked a gemified lollipop, "What's everypony so excited about?"
"I'm gonna be a dad..." Travis said, half excited, and half bewildered.
Spike swallowed his lollipop, stick and all.
"You're what!?" Spike choked out.
"Congratulations, stud," Shinobu said before giving Travis a peck on his cheek.
"Nice going, little brother," Henry said as he put his hoof around Travis's shoulders, "I've not been here an hour and you've made an uncle out of me."
He then looked over to the mother-to-be, but it was Rainbow Dash who caught his eye.
She backed away from her third turn of rubbing Pinkie's stomach and looked right back at him. With a smile, Dash turned to expose her side, slightly lifted one of her hooves and unfolded her wings.
Henry was unfamiliar with equine customs, but it was clearly meant to be an alluring gesture.
"Eventually, I think I may return the favor."
And he stepped away from Travis's side to Dash's.
Pinkie ducked under the table, and reappeared in front of Travis.
"Don't you have something to say, daddy," she asked him.
"When?"
"On that special night when I learned you had to go away. I didn't know it then, but the time corroborates."
"I mean when did you find out."
"Yesterday. I was going to tell you, but the town started getting squished by giant red letters."
She paused to look at Travis, and shared a loving gaze with him as the news sank into their minds.
"Travis," Pinkie spoke quietly, but her voice gradually became an excited shout, "Do you know what this means? We're going to be parents!!"
Travis was beyond words, as he and Pinkie held one another. There was nothing he could say that could express how he felt at the moment, or how he would feel in the years to come.
Things were definitely going to be different in Equestria.
Author's Note
And that is it people. The end of the whole damn thing. Just to clear things up right here and now: no sequels. Things are perfect as they are now, and if there were a sequel, Travis may have to die at the end to get some cheap, emotional reaction from the reader and a lazy way to conclusively end Travis's story. Is that what you really want?
On a happier note: Travis and Pinkie had an earth pony filly, who they named Strawberry Sundae after the first thing they made together, and she takes after both of her parents they way she suplexes whole bags of flour into the mixing bowl while helping her mom in the kitchen.
If you have anymore questions pertaining to the story (i.e. inspiration, cut ideas or the endings to other character's stories) then go ahead and post it in the comments. Rock the fuck on, all you happy, beautiful people \mm/
No More Heroes: Friendship is Fucked!!
Extended Epilogue: Where Are They Now
Extended Epilogue
Where Are They Now
In the months that passed since the day everything returned to normal, things changed for everypony involved in the incident for the better.
Travis and Pinkie's baby was an earth pony filly, who they named Strawberry Sundae, after the first thing that they made together. She is considered the most precious thing they made, and they treat her like the treasure she is.
Little Strawberry takes after both of her parents, and enjoys baking with her mother, helping out by piledriving the eggs, suplexing the flour bags, and creating her own high-flying acrobatic attacks as she mixes the ingredients in the bowl.
Strawberry quickly became friends with the Cake twins, and enjoys playtime with them every time that Pinkie needs to foalsit, especially with Pound Cake, given their mutual love of destruction and rough play. Many years down the road, the two began dating, and she would remain best friends with Pumpkin Cake for years to come.
Travis kept earning his income by performing various jobs around town. Occasionally, the princesses had a seriously high paying job for him that allowed him to save up and buy an actual house for his new family.
Their new house has all the accommodations that Travis wished he had living in that crappy motel (namely that all the rooms are under one single roof). They even had enough money left over to add a room to the building, which Travis and Pinkie made into a playroom for their daughter. He still defends Equestria with his friends and family when needed.
Pinkie continued her work at Sugarcube Corner, though it had to be slightly cut back due to her daughter needing to be taken care of. But things are different, now that she has had experience taking care of foals. Her ability to swiftly juggle work and family astounds ponies who see her do it.
Jeanne looked after the baby like she was her own kitten. That is until she had a litter of her own with a stray tomcat she met one day. Each of the kittens went to a loving home, except for one who Travis kept for his own. He named her Nibbles, due to the way she gnaws everything new she finds.
Rainbow Dash and Henry had a foal of their own almost a year later. A pegasus colt who they named Shooting Star, given his affinity for speed, much like his mom. He didn't take much after his dad, other than a slick fashion sense. He wore his first dress shirt at six weeks, and his first blazer at eight weeks. His parents couldn't possibly have been prouder of him when he got to the first stage of the sonic rainboom at a mere two years old before he stopped.
Dash gave up on her dream of joining the Wonderbolts. As far as she was concerned she was needed by her family. That, and the knowledge that she was able to fly faster and more agilely than any of them, and create a sonic rainboom was more than enough for her. There was always that 'what if' in her mind, but thoughts of her husband and son were more than enough to put her doubts to rest. She had everything she needed, and she knew it.
Henry took up a job teaching swordplay to the soldiers in Canterlot. His finessed, agile, technical style became the standard for all the soldiers in the castle to practice. He even made a friend of his own, the captain of the guard, Shining Armor, who wanted to learn Henry's energy orb technique for himself. The first orb he ever conjured shot straight through eight walls in the castle.
Shinobu kept up her work with Rarity, and the two created a successful line of casual wear, helpfully promoted by Peaches Parfait, who became the boutiques' top promoter, spreading word far and wide about the styles that could be found in the little shop. On the side, Shinobu taught the Cutie Mark Crusaders how to fight like her, since they wanted to toughen up after they got moshed into mush. The three found their cutie marks when Applebloom split herself into seven copies, Sweetie Belle created an entire wall of energy, and Scootaloo shot a larger sonic blade than Shinobu could ever muster.
Fluttershy did what she planned on doing, and adopted Flutterbutt as her son. The two live peacefully, and he helps around by pollinating the garden as needed. With her around, his kind deeds are always rewarded, and he expressed his thanks by introducing her to a mare he knew.
It turned out that Cream was into mares the same way that Fluttershy was. After signing to a record label, cutting an album, and becoming a huge name in the underground music scene, Flutterbutt introduced her to his momma, and the two enjoyed a wonderful time together. They currently live together in Fluttershy's cottage, where they enjoy the romantic evenings together.
Glastits became an open mic legend at Stagger Jack's, keeping even the lowest drunk's spirits high with his irreverent, offbeat sense of humor. When he's not on the stage, he works at the bar, waiting tables and pouring drinks. He also doubles as a bouncer, able to hold off even the meanest drunks that come passing through.
True to her word, Gina returned to Applejack after a little over a year passed by. Also true to her word, she had found a way to make up for her mistreatment and abuse. She spent the year tracking down any traces of the Apple family lineage, and came back with a trunk full of possessions that belonged to both of her parents, in perfect condition no less. The ones that weren't immaculate were restored by her personally. Applejack still hadn't changed her mind about the griffin, but she now allowed her to visit anytime that she wanted.
Spike read his only copy of Pure White Lover Bizarre Jelly over and over, becoming distressed that he would never know how the story progressed. Twilight inspired him to write the rest on his own, prompting him to independently publish his own series of Pure White Lover Bizarre Jelly comics (modified for a pony audience, of course). Each book released in the series shot to the top of the best sellers list, having applied the lessons in storytelling he learned from Twilight's lectures. Of course, Travis helped with the story as well, asking that the girls would now kiss for fanservice.
Twilight is naturally very proud of Spike's success, and promotes his book through her library and other outlets. She helped him along and got him booked to appear at a convention in the summer.
Through it all, they remained very close to one another. They carried on peacefully, interrupted occasionally by the impending force of evil, and enjoyed the magic that their friendship filled their lives with for the rest of their days.
NO MORE HEROES: FRIENDSHIP IS FUCKED THE END
Author's Note
Sorry, folks. I don't think there's anything left to say at this point but to wish you all to rock on. Unless you have anymore questions about the story. \m/
No More Heroes: Friendship is Fucked!!
Prologue: A Royal Invitation
Prologue
A Royal Invitation
"WHOAH!!!"
With a solid kick, Silvia Cristel removed Travis Touchdown from the rear seat of his own motorcycle, the 'Schpeltiger,' sending him barreling to the curb in front of the motel where he lived. She didn't do it to hurt him, she knew he was much sturdier than to get hurt by a simple boot to the curb. It wasn't first time she'd done this after all. Once Travis regained his bearings he watched her speed away.
"On my fucking bike! What bullshit," Travis thought to himself.
Travis stood up and dusted himself off, already past the fact that his now-apparent ex-girlfriend had just stolen his only mode of transportation. After the day he just had of killing a corporate CEO who was actually the alter-ego of some asshole who could be called Pizza Batt-Man, with the power to turn into a seriously overpowered Macy's Day Parade float from hell, nothing else really mattered.
He kicked a little dust on the sidewalk and headed into his room on the upper floor of the Motel No More Heroes. From here on in, things could only attempt the be normal. On Bishop's grave, Travis would no longer kill for no reason, and he would return all of his rented videos on time to honor his friend's memory.
Travis approached his front door and found an unmarked envelope wedged between the cracks near the knob. Travis took it with a groan. "Oh great, more invites to meet psychotic fangirls I bet," he said to himself, remembering the seemingly innocent Kimmy Howell a.k.a. Darth Maul's padawan.
He stepped into his hovel of a room and was greeted with the usual sight of his recliner, empty beer cans and his pet cat, Jeanne, stretched lazily on the floor.
The cat stirred from her nap as soon as Travis walked in, happily rubbing her sides against his shins.
"Hey there, kitty," Travis greeted his pet, before he plopped down onto his recliner and turned on the TV. Finally some good news: Travis's favorite anime, Pure White Lover Bizarre Jelly Tsugi, was on. It didn't make everything better, but it might help lessen the blow when he read his fan mail.
With the dullest anticipation, Travis opened the envelope and unfolded the letter inside.
"Dear Master Travis,"
Ah, it was from that fangirl.
"I want to start by telling you that I forgive you for rejecting me earlier this week, but I still hate you for it."
"That's as redundant as it gets," Travis thought as he read it.
"I hope you succeeded in killing the prick who killed your friend. If not, there's no point in me writing this letter. If you did, I want you to know that since you won't teach me, I've left the country to once again hone my skills as an assassin and one day beat you."
"Yeah, good luck with that. Didn't work the first time."
"Even if you stop being an assassin by then, I want to be the one who finally beats you. I want to be the one whose blade runs crimson with your life on its edge."
"That's fucked up. Poetic, kind of. But seriously fucked up."
"Don't get me wrong though, Master, because I still love you. And if things don't work out with that French floozie, ring me up.
--Shinobu
Next to her signature was a lipstick mark left where Shinobu kissed her letter.
It didn't make Travis feel any better about the fact that she was determined to kill him, but he couldn't help but feel a twinge in his chest for what he almost had with her.
With a dismayed sight, he put the letter back in its envelope and tried to toss it on top of the TV. Too lightly, however, as the letter only hit the screen and fell to the floor.
Normally, Travis would have picked it up, but decided he'd rather watch his show. He heard that this was supposed to be the episode of Pure White Lover Bizarre Jelly Tsugi where Strawberry and Blueberry kissed and he wasn't about to miss that for anything.
"COME AND GET SOME, ASS-BITES!!!!"
"Help!! Somepony!! Please help!!"
"What the hay is happening?!!"
"Doesn't he know cannons are for parties!!?"
Far off, in a land far beyond human imagining called Equestria, Canterlot Castle had been invaded by madstallion who by now had laid waste to at least one hundred guards. Worse still, he had come on a day when the Element Bearers had been summoned there.
He was an earth pony stallion of average size whose fur was colored as though he were wearing an expensive suit. He was all black, except for his chest and stomach which was stark white. His mane was yellow, and was slicked back. On his face, he wore a pair of pitch black sunglasses, and around his neck was a pink tie with little white stars. But what was most noteworthy of all was what he wore on his back. On his back were mounted two very large, very gaudy pink gatling guns which he was using to tear through any guards foolish enough to approach him.
"Ah'm just here fer that Laughter mare, but th' next shmuck who gets too big fer his britches gets 'em an extra spahcy face full o' murder!! Compliments o' yers truly," came the mad cackle of the assassin.
Just that morning, the ruling princesses, Celestia and Luna had both received a disturbing letter from Twilight Sparkle, the Bearer of Magic, which detailed a report of of an attempt on Pinkie Pie's life.
In the letter, Twilight described Pinkie's account of how she was suddenly attacked by the same stallion who was now destroying the castle as she was preparing a party for a stranger who was coming to Ponyville from a faraway land. It was only the timely arrival of Rainbow Dash and Applejack that allowed her to survive the encounter. And now, somehow, the would-be assassin had followed the Bearers to the royal castle to finish the job. Something that the royal sisters would not stand for.
As the assassin finished mowing his way through the next wave of guards, he found himself confronted by the two ruling alicorns, fury burning their faces. He ceased his attack and smiled widely at his royal company.
"Well, lookee here. Guess you gals fahnally got tir'd o' me whippin' yer guards inta red stains." He chuckled as he lightly dug his hoof into the blood stained floor, "Ya better have some serious maids, 'cause 409 ain't gettin' that shit out." This only stood to further infuriate the diarchs.
"You, are a monster! Worse than anything that could come from Tartarus," growled the solar princess as her horn glowed with a powerful magic.
Luna's horn flared up next with a malevolent blue magic, "Thou hast committed what is by far the greatest atrocity we have seen since our birth! Retribution shall be meted out for the sake of all the lives thou have taken!"
Facing down the royal sisters when they threatened violence would make anypony cringe in terror. Many would have outright died on the spot out of fear of what could be done to them. This assassin was different, as seeing the sisters like this only served to amuse him. His already oversized smile widened.
"Aw, lookit you two. Yer practically made o' balls, ain't ya? The kinda balls that's from a guy who plays hopscotch dead center of a buffalo stampede. Not as fun as ya'd think, just so's ya know. 'Cause it really sucks when ya lose."
"ENOUGH OF THIS," roared Celestia in her royal Canterlot voice, "TO THE MOON WITH YOU!!"
She and Luna both fired their horns at the attacker who only stood his ground, as if waiting for his punishment to reach him. With a glint in his eye, and a sly smile, his guns suddenly whirred to life and a hail of bullets flew forth, staving off the alicorn magic.
"MAMA PAJAMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA," the assassin shouted as he fired his weapons, followed by another mad cackle.
The princesses strained to push back his relentless assault, wondering to themselves how this (relatively speaking) perfectly normal earth pony was able to hold off alicorn magic, let alone the magic of two alicorns. More disturbing still was that they could feel their magic being pushed back to them.
Princess Luna wracked her brain for a solution, but none came. Until this point, neither sister had ever encountered a single pegasus, unicorn or earth pony who could stand up to them. Looking to her sister, she saw a reflection of all the strain she was feeling herself. She knew Celestia was coming up short for a plan as well, and without one, they had no chance of winning yet.
"We cannot win this, sister," Luna said, distress clearly evident in her voice, "We must retreat while we still draw breath!"
Celestia silently agreed with her sister as she more firmly planted her hooves into the ground, "We break on three," she told Luna.
"One...two...THREE!!"
Two flashes momentarily blinded the assassin, who, once his vision cleared, saw no trace of the royal alicorns.
"Aw, what the hell," he cursed to himself before calling out to his opponents. "You ladies leavin' the party already!? But Ah hir'd strippers to come later! They're bringin' beer an' pizza!"
Back in the throne room, six worried ponies waited anxiously for the victorious return of their princesses.
"They should have been back by now," came the frantic murmur of Twilight Sparkle as she paced back and forth in the center of the room. Before she could continue worrying, she felt a hoof on her shoulder that filled her with a familiar sense of reassurance. Feeling this, she knew who had touched her. She turned to see her farmpony friend, Applejack, giving her a small smile.
"Don't ya worry, sugarcube," she said, practically feeling Twilight's worry fade. There was just something about Applejack that let her lift any sense of doubt or worry from the minds of ponies, "This is the princesses we're talkin' 'bout here. An' if I know anything, it's that anypony who messes with them is a goner."
"But--," Twilight tried to protest, but was cut off by Rainbow Dash swooping in front of her and interjecting her own point.
"Thing is, Twi, even if they can't handle this guy, we can," she said, knowing full well what the six of them could accomplish if they relied on one another.
"That's right, Dashie," chimed in the bubbly, pink Pinkie Pie, who had hopped in with her three other friends. "We can do anything if we just stay together! We could change the face of the world if we wanted!"
Rarity approached the group next, with Fluttershy close behind her. "I wouldn't go so far as to say that, darling," the fashionista said, "But I do agree that this intruder should be no problem. Not for us, and especially not for the princesses."
"I'm sure they'll be back any second now," Fluttershy said with a smile on her face.
Twilight smiled back at her friends. They were right: this single stallion would be taken care of easily by the two most powerful ponies in Equestria. She knew that there was also the matter of the dead soldiers, but that bridge would be crossed later. Right now, what mattered most was the inevitable safe return of the princesses.
Then a light appeared in the center of the room. Blinding at first, it quickly dimmed to reveal the two princesses. Everypony in the room waited expectantly for the princesses to tell them that it was now safe to leave the room. Some more excitedly than others.
Pinkie Pie hopped up and down excitedly, "Did you get the meanie, princesses?! Huh!? Huh!? Didja!?
Princess Celestia didn't answer Pinkie's question. Her prime concern was to formulate a plan now. But first, she needed to buy time to do so. She turned to Luna, "Luna, get a barrier on the doors!"
With all haste, Luna shot her magic at the gilded doors of the throne room and erected the strongest barrier she could muster. These actions confused the six element bearers. Rainbow Dash flew in front of the princesses.
"Hey, princesses: what gives? You took care of that guy, right," she asked.
The princesses didn't know how to answer Dash's question. They only met her with worried stares. This only stood to worry Dash herself.
"...Right," Dash repeated.
A sudden, loud knocking snapped everypony's attention the doors.
"This is agent Marion Glastits, puttin' an APB out on any royal sisters who ain't suckin' dust raht now," came the assassin's mocking voice. "Oh, an' ta that party-poppin', hot sauce-suckin', cupcake-munchin' pink crank-head: ya better start countin', 'cause yer minutes're numbered, twinkle hooves! I ain't leavin' this place 'til worms're doin' a conga line up yer ass!"
A whirring noise, accompanied by several loud bangs started behind the doors. Pinkie couldn't believe what she heard.
"Why is this meanie after me," she shouted, now scared by the idea that she may very well die there. Any confidence she had earlier wavered now that she actually saw that the princesses couldn't handle this threat. "I didn't do anything to him!!! Is he mad because he didn't get a party when he came!!?"
Rarity put her hoof over Pinkie's mouth. "Hush, Pinkie. You're scaring Fluttershy!" Rarity indicated the yellow pegasus, who was trembling on the floor and hiding behind her mane. Rarity lowered herself to the floor to comfort her timid friend. Twilight and Applejack both approached the princesses.
"Princess Celestia...what happened out there," Twilight asked, afraid of what the answer may be.
"He didn't get the better of ya, did he," Applejack followed up.
"We're afraid that he did," Luna said to the farmpony. "He is much more powerful than we have anticipated. He was able to drive both of us back!"
"We need to make a plan, sister," Celestia interjected, "We can't fight him on our own."
"Then leave it to us! We'll kick his flank to Tartarus and back," Rainbow Dash said, trying to sound confident for the sake of her friends, though she herself was terrified of fighting a stallion who was able to beat the princesses.
"No," Celestia sternly said, "We can't risk any of you getting hurt out there!"
"Then we can retreat, can't we," Twilight nervously asked, "We can go to my house in Ponyville and make a plan there!"
"That won't work either, Twilight," Luna said to the purple unicorn, "He has already tracked you all here, and we're sure he could do it again. And this time, he may lay waste to the entirety of Ponyville if he follows!"
"Then what do we do," Pinkie yelled as she wildly waved her hooves and her mane frizzled with fear, "He could come through that door any minute and turn us all into big, pony-sized colanders!"
"Pinkie, stop that," Rarity snapped at the pink mare. Fluttershy had heard everything Pinkie said and began to cry. "There, there, sweetness. We'll be...alright," Rarity said as she gently consoled her friend, though a tremble and her voice choking betrayed her comforting words.
Despair permeated the atmosphere of the room. The eight ponies inside could not fathom any reasonable means of escape. Agent Glastits was too powerful to fight head on, and any escape would result in him tracking them and laying waste to any town he crossed. It was only Fluttershy's quiet sobbing that kept anypony from completely giving up on formulating a plan. They would escape, if only for her sake. Then, Luna's face briefly lit up.
"What if we..." she hesitated, unsure of her solution, but a gentle prod from her sister told her to finish, "What if we summoned some outside help. After all, it's not like we can do anything about our attacker, but maybe somepony somewhere else can." Luna herself did not think anypony in the room would go for this plan, especially not her sister and Twilight.
"Luna," Celestia began, "I believe you may have found our only viable option."
"Wait, are you saying that you plan on using a summoning spell," Twilight asked her mentor. Not that she doubted her power to do so, but the idea of finding somepony who could help was very slim.
"We don't have many other options, Twilight. This may be our only chance," Celestia said, "I will try to find help somewhere. From somepony who would know how to deal with problems concerning potential disharmony." Celestia then concentrated her power and extended her divine reach into space and time, hoping to find the pony who would be the savior of harmony.
Despite the living chaos that was waiting right outside the door, all six Element Bearers felt a small wash of relief.
"Did you hear that, Fluttershy," Rarity asked the sniffling pegasus, taking her hoof in her own, "We're going to get help."
With one last sniffle, Fluttershy lifted her head a little bit to look at Rarity.
"Just think: a noble, pure hearted hero is on their way to protect us. And we get to be the ones who meet him."
Fluttershy smiled as she imagined what their summoned hero may be like.
"Aw, come on! Just kiss already," Travis yelled at his television set. "You've been yakking about how you just need to be who you are inside and that you shouldn't care what society will think of you for like ten minutes."
Travis threw an empty beer can to the floor. As soon as he did, Jeanne rushed over and started to fight with it.
"Fuck! You think they're gonna add a little fanservice and then it turns out to be some social justice bullshit! Writers are probably stroking their cocks as this airs!" Travis mimed masturbation in his chair, "Yeah, we're good people for making our characters lesbians," he said in a mocking tone. If there was anything he couldn't stand, it was when people focused on how other people were different from themselves and thought that they were holier-than-thou for it.
"They're just lesbians! Two people who happen to be the same sex that wanna fuck! That doesn't make them special! All I wanted to do was watch two girls kiss! Just one fucking kiss! Is even a peck on the cheek too much to ask for?!"
Strawberry finally grabbed Blueberry by her shoulders and passionately kissed her surprised teammate.
"Ugh, fucking finally," Travis grumbled.
Though relieved that he finally saw the two characters kiss, the sour aftertaste of poor writing ruined the moment for him. He turned off the TV and sat back. He felt this way before. Like he wanted to kill someone. And the writer for this episode was a tempting target. He looked to the floor when he noticed his cat staring at him with admonishing eyes.
"Don't look at me like that, Jeanne," Travis said to his pet, "I'm out of the killing for no reason business. From now on, it's the kill to help others biz. So, I'm gonna sit back, and find a new show to watch now that Bizarre Jelly's ruined."
Before Travis grabbed the TV guide to find a new show, the phone in the next room rang. He stormed over to answer it. That better have been Silvia telling him that she just returned his bike, and that it was waiting in the parking lot for him. He picked up the phone from its cradle.
"What's up?" Travis asked.
Instead of hearing Silvia's French accent on the other end of the phone, it was a different woman's voice. One that sounded regal and serene, tinged with a kind of relief that comes after hopeless desperation.
"Lulu, I've done it! I've finally found somepony!"
Travis didn't quite believe what he heard. 'Somepony?' That was a weird thing to say. But maybe it was just a slip of the tongue.
"You found Travis Touchdown, lady. What can I do you for," A realization hit Travis: the woman on the phone had a really, really sexy voice. "Wait! Are you hot?"
"Excuse me?!"
"I'm asking if you're hot. Believe me, I have so much trouble with hot chicks. Just today I got thrown to the curb by one, and what's basically a death threat from another."
The woman on the phone let out an exasperated sigh, "I am what's considered beautiful, but I assure you, I am sane"
"Like I'm gonna fall for that again. Is this you Kimmy?"
"MR. TOUCHDOWN," the woman's voice suddenly became ridiculously loud and seemed to echo in Travis' head, "I am Princess Celestia, and I have a request for you!"
She said she was a princess? Now Travis knew she was crazy. He hung up the phone and was about to walk out of the room, when he heard the woman's voice coming from the speakerphone. "We are in desperate need of a hero, and I have zeroed in on you specifically! All of Equestria is in need of your help!"
Hero? Equestria? What was this lady smoking? He never heard of this Equestria. It sounded like a fantasy playset for little girls. And as for the hero thing, Travis was no hero. Sure, he was sometimes known as the No More Hero, but that was just an honorary title. Travis moved to disconnect the phone from the wall.
"Fuck that. I'm just an average everyday otaku assassin. Not a hero," Travis yanked the phone cord out of the wall and dusted his hands off with finality. That was sure to stop this crazy lady.
"Perhaps you simply don't understand the severity of our problem?!" Celestia said from the speakerphone.
"God dammit! What does it take to get rid of you!? An exorcist!?"
Celestia had had enough of this prattle by now. The barrier she had put up on the door would not last forever. Agent Glastits was gradually breaking into the room, and she was not about to let this one chance of salvation that she had barely grabbed a hold of slip away.
"That does it," she fumed on the other end of the phone, "Luna! Help me with this! We're no longer giving him a choice in the matter!"
"What the fuck does that mean," Travis said aloud before he felt a gentle wind stirring in the room.
In the corner of the room near his closet, the matter of space began to ripple and wave. Travis knew this as an 'akashic point.' Somehow, one had opened up in his bedroom and was starting to suck him in. Something told him that this was the doing of Princess Celestia, and she wasn't about to let him escape from it.
"Okay! Okay! Jeez, just let me get ready!" Travis shouted
To start, he grabbed the cat-carrier and a feather wand from the side of his bed and moved along the wall to the doorway. He firmly planted his feet and dangled the feather in front of the carrier, "Jeanne! Come on girl, we're going on a trip!"
Jeanne rocketed towards the wand, which Travis pulled out of the way a second before she could catch it. She ended up inside the carrier, which Travis secured for her.
Travis briefly scanned the room for anything else he needed. He already had all of his weapons on his belt, since he hadn't taken them off when he got home, he dropped a save during the commercial break from his show, everything seemed to be in order.
Then he spied the box of pizza on top of the fridge; the box that should still have two thirds of its contents inside of it. And on top of the pizza was the rest of his six-pack of beer. With his free hand, he reached around the door frame and grabbed the pizza box with the beer on top.
Now everything was in order, and Travis readied himself to rush the akashic point that was trying to pull him in. At least he would have rushed it, if he didn't notice his Pure White Lover Bizarre Jelly poster next to him.
The show was ruined for him now, but this poster was for the prequel series to Bizarre Jelly Tsugi, which was now a much better show in Travis' mind. He placed the box of pizza on his opposite forearm and gripped it from one end, and secured the other end with his elbow. The beer, he kept secured under his chin. With his free hand, he grabbed the poster and rolled it up, taking it with him as he charged the displaced space near his closet.
"MOEEEEEEEEE," Travis yelled as he jumped in.
Celestia and Luna's magic stopped and they royal sisters let out a relieved sigh. They had both put much effort into getting their hero, and now he was on his way there.
"We've done it, Tia," Luna said, panting as a smile graced her face. Luna's smile and tone of relief rang to the Element Bearers as a good sign.
"Ya mean y'all found somepony," Applejack excitedly asked.
"You mean I'm not gonna be swiss-cheesed by that psycho outside the door, "Pinkie asked when she suddenly popped up in front of Applejack to address the princesses.
The sound of Glastit's guns stopped briefly.
"Aw, come on! Ah know Ah used some coarse words fer you, but that's just plain hurtful. Makes me wanna kill ya more," the ponies in the room heard Glastits say before he resumed his assault on the doors.
Everypony could now hear wood splintering. The barrier was still up, but now Glastits was beginning to break in. Fear gripped Twilight as she turned to her mentor.
"He'll be here soon, won't he," she said, now fearing the plan to summon a hero may have failed. She was surprised to see Celestia smile at her.
"He will come, but it will take time, Twilight," Celestia reassured her student. "
"And we'll just have to hold this guy off until he does. You know, soften him up for the guy who's gonna get rid of him," Dash added. The two alicorns only chuckled, further surprising the little ponies.
"I assure you, the help will come long before the assassin breaches that door," Luna said, fully confident in the strength of her barrier spell.
No sooner did she finish speaking was her confidence shattered, just like the door and the barrier.
Splinters of wood flew through the room, barely missing anypony by mere centimeters.
Glastits stepped into the room, his guns smoking from the assault on the door.
Pinkie wasted no time hiding behind her friends.
"Save me! Save me! Hurt him! Hurt him," Pinkie shouted.
Glastits looked at the mares in the room, smiling now as if it were some kind of joke.
"You gals could just let me put a little daylight inta that laughter bitch, an' this'd all be over," he said, never losing his smile, "So why don't y'all just spread like butter so's Ah can get a clear shot?"
Rainbow Dash couldn't take this anymore. This pony would not take the life of her friend before taking her life first. If only she could buy a little more time to save Pinkie, it may very well be worth the cost. She took action without thinking and flew protectively between her friends and the assassin.
"Forget it, Glastits! You're not calling the shots anymore," she spat at the gun-toting stallion.
Her friend's eyes went wide with horror. They always knew she was a 'leap before you look' type of mare, but this was reckless even for her.
"Rainbow Dash! Come back! You'll be killed," Rarity shouted hysterically, practically on the verge of fainting.
The two princesses simultaneously flared their magic in an attempt to bring Dash back to safety, but were stopped when she raised her hoof to them.
"Don't," she asserted. Her voice faltered as she fought against her trembling knees, "I...I know what I'm doing. Go get somewhere safe."
"Aw, Ah got a friend who'd love you," Glastits said with false sympathy, "Guess Ah'll take you out too an' save her th' trouble."
Glastits' guns began to whir as the princesses were about to teleport everypony to go for their only viable option they had left, since it was apparent their summoned hero would not come on time.
In a fraction of a second before it seemed like Glastits would start firing, his guns died down as he stopped to stare at something above Rainbow Dash.
"Sweet titty-fucking," he muttered, not sure of what to make of what he saw.
"What the hay is that thing," Applejack added.
Rainbow Dash looked up to see what appeared to be the very matter of space above her head waving as though it were a pattern of heat radiating off of a hot sidewalk. Then everypony heard the voice that came with it.
"MOEEEEEEEEE!!!"
The next thing that Dash knew, somepony came falling out of the waving space and landed right on top of her, along with a package of cans, a cardboard box, a rolled up piece of paper, a cat's toy, and finally a crate with the actual cat in it.
"Aw man, I never get used to that," said the pony on top of her.
He rolled over to the side and now Dash could get a good look at him. He was a peach colored stallion with a jet-black mane and a horn protruding form it, indicating him to be a unicorn. He was dressed from head to hoof in a red jacket and a pair of ripped up jeans, both of which made Rarity cringe. His jeans were held on by a belt which had five cylinders hanging from it. On his face was a pair of orange sunglasses, which were transparent so his eyes could be seen behind them. He looked down at Dash as soon as he stood up and offered her his hoof to help her up.
"Hey, sorry about landing on y--"
His voice stopped as soon as he saw Dash on the floor. He stared at her, making Dash think he was acting like he never saw a pony before.
"What the fuck," the strange stallion said. His eyes shot to his own hoof, which he pulled away from Dash to more closely inspect it, "What the fuck," he said again, sounding more distressed.
He looked over to see Agent Glastits standing there, smiling at this new arrival.
"Well, Ah said there'd be strippers with beer and pizza, but you ain't as pretty as I hoped ya'd be," he chuckled.
The strange unicorns jaw practically hit the floor when he heard those words.
"WHAT...THE...FUCK!?"
Author's Note
So, after a bout of wishiness (followed shortly thereafter by a bout of washiness) I decided to just start up a new story, even though I was right in the middle of a completely different one. That's just how I work, I've got like some kind of authoring ADHD going on. I'm actually working on multiple projects that I want to publish. And I mean like things I want to put on the market.
I thought about using some characters from those stories as OC's in a fanfic to see how people reacted, but I decided against it for some reason. Except for Marion Glastits. I put that guy in because he is just hysterical. And come on, it's pronounced 'glast-its.' But you people don't care about that!
This was just because No More Heroes is one of my favorite games ever and Travis Touchdown is one of my favorite characters ever, and I think that having him in a land as sweet and pure that's built on sugar and rainbows as Equestria would be great considering that Travis comes from an armpit like Santa Destroy.
And as for the thing about Pure White Lover Bizarre Jelly Tsugi, Tsugi means 'Next' in Japanese, and it's meant to be like a sequel series where the characters are older, kind of like Dragonball followed by Dragonball Z or Naruto followed by Naruto Shippuden.
Hope you all liked this story. Rock on \m/ and seriously: if you have a Wii or Wii U, play No More Heroes and it's sequel, they are totally worth your money if you like hack and slash style games. Here's hoping for No More Heroes 3!
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No More Heroes: Friendship is Fucked!!
Chapter 3: Sultry Assassin Sisters Peaches and Cream
Chapter 3
Sultry Assassin Sisters Peaches and Cream
"This is going to be fabulous," Rarity shouted as she and her friends stepped into Manehattan's premiere department store.
In the five days since the Flutterbutt incident, Rarity had received a letter from Status Quo, the fashion editor of Cosmarepolitan magazine, requesting to feature her designs in a fashion show.
"My clothes are going to be seen by the most prestigious fashion critics and editors in Equestria. Can you imagine anything more exciting than this," Rarity said with a spring in her step and a sunny smile on her face.
The answers from her friends, she found less than satisfactory.
"Joining the Wonderbolts?"
"Looking after a rare or unknown species?"
"Unlocking the equine genome?"
"Expandin' the apple business?"
"Eating a three story sundae?"
"You're all just jealous because my dreams have come true first," Rarity said with a dainty huff. She then walked off to the elevator. "I'll be on the upper floors, dazzling the staff with my wonderful designs. Feel free to shop around before the show. Everything's on me."
As they walked through the pristine store, Twilight noticed how Travis and Spike didn't voice what their dreams were just then. She walked along side the two, to inquire about their hopes for the future.
"Hey guys, what're your dreams," she asked cheerfully.
The two thought for a moment before they gave their answers.
Spike never really had much ambition beyond serving Twilight. To him, it was what he was born for. Now that he thought about it, it was exactly what he was born for. He reclined on Travis's back when he answered with a shrug, "Keeping your stuff organized and helping make your dreams come true, I guess."
Twilight didn't necessarily like that answer. It almost made her feel guilty, as if she'd clamped Spike into a personal trap. "Well, what about you, Travis," she asked.
"Never really thought about it," Travis bluntly said, "I wanted to train with my personal hero: Master Jacobs. But some douche went and killed him before I could."
This answer slightly disturbed Twilight. When they first met, she interviewed Travis about what his home was like. She was fascinated by the idea that he came from a world inhabited by a completely unknown species of primate, but was horrified by how different things were there. It seemed that the more she learned, the more it seemed that where Travis came from was horribly violent and scary. But Travis wasn't done with his answer.
"It only got worse when his daughter decided to take it out on me!"
Twilight dreaded what he would say next, but she had to confirm her suspicions, "She didn't try to...kill you, did she?"
"Yeah, but it wasn't anything I couldn't handle. Turned out she was just a little girl who watched way too many samurai flicks," Travis said.
He noticed Twilight go pale. No matter how much she learned about Travis's life before he came to Equestria, she never got used to the idea of him killing others.
"Don't worry, she's fine. We're only kind of friends now," Travis said, trying to ease his friend.
"Wait: kind of friends? How does that work," Twilight asked.
Travis thought back to his relationship with Shinobu. He recalled how she came on to him in his motel room. Sure she was interesting, smart, devoted, talented and jaw-droppingly hot, but she wanted to train under him as his student, and that just made it weird to him. 'Like a pervy teacher in a porno,' as he put it himself.
He also remembered how bad he felt when she left him. Though he didn't return her feelings for him, her heartbroken expression left a serious impression. "Sorry, Sparks, but I don't really wanna talk about that," Travis said, suddenly uncomfortable with the conversation.
Twilight wasn't the most socially adept pony around, but she knew when somepony wanted to drop an issue.
"Okaaaaaaayyy..." Twilight said, feeling the sudden urge to leave, "Spike, why don't we look for something to go with your new belt?"
After crushing Travis under a tree (and paying the hefty fine for destruction of public property afterwards) Twilight seemed to understand that Spike was more capable than she previously believed.
She borrowed Travis's beam katanas, and using her weirdly high levels of scientific academia (as well as her seemingly anachronistic science tools) she crafted Spike his own beam katana, as well as one for Rainbow Dash.
For Spike, he received a small, medium weighted beam katana, with a deep red, curved scimitar blade which he named 'Fire Ruby' after his favorite gem. For Dash, her model was similar to the Blood Berry, medium length, and light weight for speedy attacks. Its blade was a silver, ninjato blade. She had named her weapon 'Nimbus' after the cloud.
"Sure," Spike enthusiastically replied, "I bet they have some shirts that go great with this color."
Twilight chuckled when she heard Spike's chipper response, and guided him to where there were shirts his size.
"Kid's spendin' way too much time around chicks," he thought to himself as he chuckled too. Suddenly, a new thought entered his head, "Wait, is that a thing...Nah. Too bad he doesn't get to hang out with any dragon babes though."
When Travis turned to look at what they had for jeans, he froze at what he saw.
It was a mare that he saw from behind, wearing a skin tight black uniform, with a poofy, white mane and tail. He would recognize that look anywhere.
"Shinobu," he thought to himself, "But...it can't be."
Travis cautiously approached the mare and reached a hoof out to tap her shoulder. Could she really be there? The closest thing that Travis ever had to a healthy relationship, even if he felt it was wrong. His hoof almost touched the mare's shoulder, when suddenly--
"Travis!!"
The mare turned around to reveal herself to be Pinkie Pie, completely decked out in femme fatale ninja gear.
"What do you think," she asked as she posed for him. "I just got back from the salon with this tooooootally awesome new look!"
"Holy shit, that was fast," Travis thought, "Aren't salon visits supposed to be drawn out and relaxing? How do I know that? ...Fuck, there is such a thing as spending too much time with chicks!"
"I asked them for a manecut that said, 'I'm sexy, but I'm also dangerous!' But I don't know, I kind of think this says 'I want to go get the guy who killed my dad," Pinkie detailed her visit to the salon.
Travis was relieved that it wasn't actually Shinobu, but the style that Pinkie was sporting was making him uncomfortable as it brought up some awkward memories, though in the back of his mind, it was a serious turn-on.
"It's great, Pinkie," he hastily said.
"Come on, let's go to the bargain bin," Pinkie said as she started walking, "That's where I found this super cool outfit. And I saw some shirts I think you'd like."
As Pinkie walked away, Travis found his eyes drawn to her flank. The form fitting leggings really brought out the contours of her body, that was for damn sure. Before this point, he didn't realize how well toned she was. He also became aware of the way that she swayed her hips from side to side with every step she took.
"That should not be sexy! Why is that crazy sexy," Travis thought to himself. Maybe he was starting to see Pinkie in a different way. One that let him notice things like this. "This department store has a salon?"
He was snapped out of his thoughts by Pinkie grabbing his hooves and pulling him after her.
"Nopony likes a slowpoke," she said giddily as she dragged Travis with her.
The time for the fashion show drew near and Rarity excitedly sat at a table next to the runway, expecting her friends to show up any minute. Her excitement built with every passing second until the glorious moment when she could dazzle even the most bitter critic with her fantabulous designs.
A pony sat next to her, and Rarity's heart lept with joy. She turned to speak to her company, expecting it to be one of her friends, only to see a stranger who looked very out of place.
She was a cream colored mare with an electric pink mane and tail, both of which were styled into wild spikes.
Unlike the other fashionably dressed attendees, she was wearing a jacket which had several patches of varying colors. Its sleeves were torn off, but were held to the body of the jacket by safety pins. Underneath, she wore a blue shirt that only covered her chest, but not her stomach. Torn up pants garbed her back legs, but her's were tight-fitting as opposed to Travis's baggy jeans.
Around her neck, she wore a small strand of barbed wire as a necklace, the barbs that would be a danger to her neck were clipped off. Her ears had several silver piercings, as well as one of her eyebrows and her lower lip.
"Excuse me. Are you lost," Rarity asked the mare. She recoiled inwardly, realizing that may have been the wrong thing to say.
The strange mare instead gave a smile that tried to seem friendly, even though she didn't look at Rarity.
"Nah, I'm here with one of the models," the stranger replied, "Maybe you know her? Peaches Parfait?"
"Who wouldn't," Rarity squealed with delight at the mention of the name, "She's only the biggest rising star in the fashion world, not to mention one of the greatest mares who ever lived! In her short career, she's donated to schools, promoted local businesses; volunteered at humane societies, children's hospitals and homeless shelters! Oh, she's wonderful!"
"I know. I do all of that with her," the other mare said as she extended a hoof to shake, still not looking at Rarity. "Cream Parfait, Peaches' twin."
"Her sister? But if you do all of that with her, how come I've never heard of you," she asked as she shook Cream's hoof, genuinely surprised that she didn't know that Peaches Parfait had a sister.
"Does anypony know about your less famous sister," Cream asked bluntly.
Rarity began to grow uncomfortable with the direction this conversation was heading, but she did her best to be polite.
"I'm...not exactly famous," Rarity said with a sheepish chuckle, "But there are many nobles in Canterlot who specifically make orders to my boutique. I'm Rarity Belle, by the way."
The name seemed to get a reaction out of Cream, as she now actually turned to face Rarity. Her face changed from its previous blank gaze to what looked like an intrigued smile.
"Rarity Belle? My sis saw your designs backstage. Said she really liked 'em."
Those words made Rarity gasp in excitement as her hooves covered her mouth.
"She did," she said, using every ounce of her self-control to not shout loudly, "I never dreamed such a thing could be! What else did she say?"
"Something about how she wanted to visit your place after this thing ends," Cream replied with a smirk.
Rarity answered with a shrill, "WAH HAH HAH," as she bounced up and down, which was a sure sign of her peak of excitement.
"Fillies and gentlecolts. It's time for the show to begin," came Status Quo's voice.
Rarity looked around anxiously, hoping her friends would be present, but couldn't see them. She silently prayed to Celestia and Luna that they were on their way as Status Quo emceed the show's introduction.
The curtains parted and out onto the runway stepped a peach-colored unicorn mare, whose red mane was styled to cover one of her eyes. She wore a deep blue dress which shimmered as she walked.
Rarity was overjoyed to see that it was her dress that was presented first, being worn by none other than Peaches Parfait. But on the other hoof, she was disappointed that her friends weren't there to see it with her. She eyed the doors as she nibbled her hoof, hoping that they would enter right that second.
"Up first, we have Peaches Parfait, sporting an elegant, midnight blue evening gown," Status Quo announced to the audience, "The strategic placing of sequins on this piece give one a feeling as if the wearer is draped in the night sky itself, making this a one of kind item to die for."
There was something about those last three words that when they were used in that order, bad things happened.
This case was no different, for as soon as Status Quo finished her assessment of Rarity's gown, two sharp daggers stabbed her in the back.
The resulting panic sent the ponies in the room running for the door, Rarity among them.
Her escape, however, was cut off when she felt something wrap around her back legs, followed by a stinging pain.
Looking down, she saw a bull whip with a bladed tip tightly wrapped around her legs, surrounded by a cream-colored magic aura. Looking to the owner of the magic Rarity saw it to be Peaches Parfait, who stepped off the runway to join the side of her twin, who was carrying blood-soaked daggers in a peach-colored aura.
"Come on, y'all! Hustle yer bustles! If we move fast, we can just catch the beginnin' of the show," Applejack said as she hustled everypony off the elevator.
"Oh, I feel so terrible," Fluttershy worried aloud as they ran to the fashion studio, "Why does this store have to have such distracting bargains!?"
Their progress was suddenly impeded by a rush of ponies running panicked right past them.
Travis, Spike and Dash saw this and immediately drew their weapons, knowing that wherever Rarity was, there must be trouble.
Dash flew in front, but was grabbed by Travis's magic.
"Someone has to stay and look after the others," he said to Dash.
Dash nodded, realizing that if the three of them all went to Rarity at once, another assassin could easily take out their unprotected friends. She flew to her friends' side as Travis and Spike got ready to charge into action.
"Stay here until we get Rarity," Travis said before leaving.
"Wait," Twilight said before the two could move. She bit her lip as she eyed Spike worriedly. Though she had more confidence in him, she still had a hard time watching him rush into danger. Twilight took a deep breath before she spoke, "Try to stay safe..."
"I'll be fine, Twilight. Travis will be with me," he reassured Twilight.
This didn't comfort her much, however. Pinkie hopped next to Twilight to offer her own assurance.
"Don't worry, I made Travis Pinkie Promise to keep everypony safe." She actually hadn't at any earlier point, which Travis was about to point out before Pinkie spoke up, "Cross your heart?"
"Yeah," Travis agreed.
"Hope to fly?"
"Yeah."
"Stick a cupcake in your eye," the two spoke at the same time, Travis affirming his end of the bargain. "See? Now they have to win."
"Rarity's in trouble and we're dawdling," Spike interjected as he pulled on Travis's jacket.
Travis didn't quite think about that, as he was once again distracted by Pinkie's frame hugging clothes.
"Shit, you're right! Let's go," Travis said quickly as the two ran to Rarity's aid.
The remaining bearers watched their friends rush off into battle. Pinkie quietly wished them safety as she smiled, realizing that Travis really, really liked her outfit.
Travis and Spike ran through the hallways, following the signs to the runway.
Hey, Travis," Spike said as they approached the doors to their destination, "Think we should try out that technique we've been practicing?"
"Fuck yes," Travis said with a grin, "Sorry bastards won't know what hit 'em!"
As they neared the doors, Spike ran ahead and jumped into the air, as Travis wound up for a powerful kick.
"Cream, dear," Peaches said calmly as she and her twin approached Rarity, "We were only supposed to kill the Bearer of Generosity. Why did you feel the need to kill Status Quo?"
"Why wouldn't I," Cream said with a satisfied smile, "You should've seen the way that bitch cringed when she saw my outfit. You know, last week one of the fillies we work with at the orphanage stopped wearing her headband just because she read that Status Quo arbitrarily decided that they weren't fashionable anymore? I think I did the world a favor killing that fucking fashion czar."
"Such language, sister," Peaches gently admonished, "But since you feel so strongly, I guess I'll let you deal the killing blow."
When Rarity heard that, she began frantically trying to use her magic to release herself from Peaches' whip. What she found was that the model's magic was far stronger than her own. The only other pony she knew with magic this strong was Twilight.
The fashionista grabbed one of the lights and tried to swing it at Peaches, only to have it blocked by Peaches' magic.
Peaches smiled at Rarity, amused by the effort as she tossed aside the light. "I hope you won't mind if I keep the dress. It's a pity you won't be making any more."
"Yeah, I'm just welling up with tears," Cream said sardonically. She raised her daggers over Rarity, aimed right at her neck and heart.
"SUPERBALL SPECIAL!!!"
Two loud voices rang out as the doors burst open.
In flew Spike, curled up into a tight ball as he flew right into Cream's face.
The impact sent the assassin reeling, and Spike bounced back towards Travis.
As he did, Travis jumped, and with a strong roundhouse kick he sent Spike flying into Peaches next.
Once Spike had hit Peaches, he bounced high into the air, and Travis jumped up, spiking Spike back into Peaches.
Afterward, Travis crashed downward with an elbow drop onto Cream.
Spike had hit Peaches right in her horn, which nullified her hold on Rarity.
Rarity pulled the whip's bladed tip out of her leg, then shook the weapon loose from herself and scrambled for the door.
As Rarity made her way to the door, Spike uncurled and just barely managed to land on his feet. He was very dizzy from the team attack he had just executed with Travis, and was barely able to parry away Peaches' whip strikes, let alone stand.
"Fear not, my sweet..." Spike slurred to Rarity as his eyes rolled around in his head, "I'll-I'll save you!"
Peaches noticed Rarity's escape attempt and was not about to let her get away. The model flared up her horn and cast her magic towards the door as she battled Spike.
Rarity had just opened up the door, and relief washed over her when she saw her friends' faces.
As she was about to rush into their safe embrace, Peaches' magic struck the door and sealed it shut with a barrier that was made to stave off the most powerful teleportation spell.
Rarity desperately tried to open the doors, and could hear her friends do the same on the other side as the magic that sealed it spread around every wall, the ceiling, and even the floor of the room.
Travis had his own troubles battling Cream.
The assassin proved to be blindingly fast, requiring Travis to fight her with the Blood Berry.
He swung at her with an overhead cut that she blocked by crossing her two daggers in front of her.
With her two daggers tied up, Travis took advantage of her vulnerability by swinging the Rose Nasty at her legs.
What happened though was his two swords were blocked by another pair of daggers that came out of her jacket. These daggers were soon followed by several more.
"Oh, shit," Travis yelled as he quickly counted at least twelve more daggers.
Travis needed all four of his swords to defend against the sudden onslaught of daggers.
He strained to keep a hold on all of them at once, and tried to end her offensive in one fell swoop.
He swung the Peony with all his might at Cream, only to have it slip out of his grasp and fly between Peaches and Spike, making Rarity shriek.
Cream and Travis briefly stopped their fight to watch the projectile katana. She saw her sister, and thought to herself that they spend all day with foals, but now she was having trouble when one little punk had a sword.
She decided to give her sister a hoof and sent a bundle of daggers Spike's way.
Travis had made a Pinkie Promise to keep everyone safe, and he intended to keep it.
As he fought off an array of daggers that were raining down on him, he kicked a table and sent it rolling to Spike.
Spike had only just perceived the daggers coming towards him as the table came between them, shielding him from the attack.
As soon as the daggers hit, Peaches thrust her whip at Spike, who grabbed the table and used it to shield himself once more.
Once he had, the daggers were magically dislodged and aimed at Spike once more.
With a yell of surprise, he dodged the dagger, but not without getting his shoulder cut. The blade was surprisingly sharp enough to cut through his thick scales.
An idea flashed in Spike's head. As the next dagger dislodged itself, Spike aimed the table to Peaches, who dodged each consecutive dagger.
Travis deflected each blade as they came to him next.
Cream collected every blade that came back to her and used them in her assault on Travis.
Travis decided that Spike's shield strategy was a good idea and put one between himself and his attacker.
When he saw Spike still using the table, now to shield Rarity, he got a new idea.
"Spike," he called, "Bitch sandwich, on mahogany!"
The tables were fiberboard, but Spike knew what Travis meant.
Both Travis and Spike thrust their tables forward, crashing into their respective opponents. They met in the middle of the room, smashing the two sisters together between their improvised shields.
"Hey, Travis," Spike called from his side.
"What's up?"
"You know what this sandwich is missing? A toothpick."
"Whoah! That was a surprisingly grim joke," Travis thought, not expecting someone so good-natured as Spike to say such a thing.
"And, uh...Why don't you do it. I have to hold on to my side." Spike said as he pressed his uninjured shoulder against the table.
Travis knew that Spike just didn't want to deal the final blow, which Travis happily obliged him. He quickly drew the Tsubaki back to impale the twins.
A sudden sound like thunder blew the two away. When they recovered, they saw Peaches and Cream both looking no worse for wear.
"Hey, sis: why don't we show 'em that thing we were doing," Cream suggested.
"Alright. But we use the name I picked for it," Peaches said as she snapped her whip into position.
"Whatever. My name's better, though," Cream muttered, as she clasped the flat of the bladed top between her rear hooves.
What came next was a nightmarish team attack as Peaches spun her extended whip around the room, while her sister was spinning wildly on the tip as her daggers flew around her body.
"SPINNING LOTUS," the sisters shouted together, though Cream thought 'Bladed Halo.'
The attack tore into everything it came into contact with, coming threateningly close to any of the three targets.
Travis saw the Peony still stuck in the wall closest to Peaches. He used his magic to dislodge it and send it spinning to Peaches.
A solid hit, and Peaches was knocked off her hooves, while Cream was sent into the ground.
"Peaches! What the fuck," Cream yelled at her twin. "You have any idea how much that fucking hurts when you have this many fucking piercing in your face?!!!"
"Be quiet, Cream! And get ready for our next attack," Peaches said in a slightly raised voice.
Peaches dove toward Rarity with her whip spiraling gracefully around her, point first. Cream's daggers spun around her in a circular formation, steadily getting closer to the tip of the whip.
Rarity screamed as the assassin came at her, "I NEVER SAW TUSCANEIGH!!"
Just as Peaches was upon her, Travis and Spike intervened by spinning the Rose Nasty to deflect any of the daggers, while the Fire Ruby swung at the bladed whip.
The defensive was successful as the twin's weapons were thrown aside, and Travis's head ended up squashed between the chests of the two mares.
"Is it wrong that I wish they had boobs at a time like this," Travis wondered to himself.
Spike was having a little party of his own with his face stuffed into Rarity's thigh.
Cream growled, frustrated at the failed attack. She began to magically toss her daggers at Rarity, whose head zipped back and forth, whose eyes were wide with horror as she dodged each oncoming blade.
Travis put his back hooves on Peaches' stomach and launched the model away from him and his friends.
Peaches performed a somersault and gracefully landed on her hooves on the runway. Her twin joined her shortly after, and the two began using their magic to throw the tables at their opponents and target.
The two fighters batted away the oncoming tables with all their might as Rarity cringed behind them.
Spike knew that this could not be kept up. Not when Rarity's life was on the line. He knew that this had to end.
Steeling himself, and fighting against all of his usual fear and doubt, he sprang forward and sliced the oncoming table in half.
"Spikey-wikey! Come back," Rarity yelled in alarm.
"You better know what the hell you're doing, kid," Travis muttered as he cut away the tables that were flying at him and Rarity with three of his swords.
Spike sliced his way through the projectiles, stumbling as he dodged, and nearly getting hit several times.
He saw one table flying at him, and jumped onto its surface, using the succeeding tables to hop across to his opponents.
When he got close, he heard Cream say, "I'll take care of this," before her array of daggers came flying at him.
The words "I'm gonna die," repeated over and over in Spike's head as he tried to bat away the daggers, but failed to prevent some of them from painfully cutting him.
Rarity shrieked once more and nearly fainted as Travis left her side to aid Spike. He used his magic to keep the Rose Nasty guarding Rarity from any more attacks from the twins.
Spike knew he lacked experience. In the seconds that he dove towards the twins, he hated himself for willingly going with Travis. He wondered what good it was wanting to protect his friends if he wasn't strong enough to defend them.
Those fights against the hydra and the quarry eels were just fluke victories, and he knew it. He only managed to trip the hydra because its foot was stuck, and only two quarry eels actually noticed him, both of which gave up after it turned out that he and Fluttershy were out of their reach anyway. Any time that he didn't prevail by a stroke of luck, he just messed up and set things back.
But not this time. Spike held on to his desire to protect his friends, even if he knew it was bound to backfire. He deflected Cream's daggers and landed on the runway, slicing Cream's legs as he rolled under her, just as Travis came to fight against her.
Spike stood when he came to Peaches, and unleashed his Fire Ruby on her
When Peaches became dazed from his attacks, Spike grabbed the assassin and masterfully suplexed her on top of her sister, leaving Travis in awe of him. It took Travis months to learn how to properly do his first suplex, and here Spike was slamming opponents like a pro.
Spike wasn't finished with the sisters yet. He held the Fire Ruby in front of his face and breathed deeply. In one huge burst, he blew his green fire into the blade.
When his fire connected with his weapon, it merged with the red blade, creating a spray of fire made of beam katana that engulfed the screaming assassin sisters.
Travis was nearly caught as well, but a quick stumble to the side, and he fell off the runway to avoid the attack.
When the attack was finished, the two sisters were desperately patting out the fires on their bodies that didn't simply dissipate. Despite the massive, and apparently painful attack, the sisters didn't look the slightest bit charred.
That was just the thing about beam katanas: even though getting hit by one felt like being cut by a traditional metal blade, they never left a bloody mark until the killing blow was made.
Spike felt his pride welling up just a little. This was the second time he had directly assaulted an enemy, and so far he managed to hold his own quite well. However, he felt his confidence wane when he saw the way the two assassins were glaring murderously at him.
"You are going to die for that, little drake," Peaches said, her voice now icy and bitter.
Spike froze in terror as the twins brandished their weapons.
Travis swung his katanas at them, but it seemed that they had anticipated his attack.
Cream blocked his attack without even looking.
Every succeeding attack was blocked by either sister as Travis released his fury on them. He tried to picture the slot machine in his head.
One Cherry...
"That's what I'm talking about!"
Two Cherries...
"Shit's about to go down!"
An attack from Peaches broke his concentration.
BAR...
"Dammit!!"
The twins onslaught kept up, and Travis's beam katanas burned out one by one.
Soon he was without a weapon, and his opponents tore into him.
Spike leapt to protect his friend, only to be pinned by Cream's hoof, along with Travis.
The assassin put daggers to both of their necks as her sister left her side.
"Take care of them, won't you, dear," Peaches said in her normal, calm voice, "I have business with the Bearer of Generosity."
Travis knew that he and Spike were both doomed if he did nothing, so he decided to stall for time. "How's this gonna look in the news? 'Bloodbath at Runway' doesn't read too good."
"No, it doesn't. But the story of two deranged assassins who murdered a small town fashion designer, and were killed in self-defense by the two survivors? That, dear Travis, reads much better," Peaches said, rubbing her hoof through Travis's mane as she spoke the last sentence. She then went to take care of Rarity.
Though Travis was entirely freaked out that she knew his name without him telling her, he kept his mind on the more important matter of staying alive.
He saw the dead body in the room with two stab wounds in its back, and remembered the panicked rush that came past him and his friends. Travis put the two together as he felt the dagger on his neck shift. "What’ll happen when people nail you for murder? Sure, no one's here for this, but what about the chick over there? How many people do you think saw you kill her?"
Cream hesitated, Travis's plan was working so far.
"You think you can get out of this? You think your sister’s gonna save your ass? Hotties like her are always out for themselves," something that Travis knew firsthand.
Cream clenched her teeth as her daggers trembled.
Rarity was right where Peaches wanted her. Helpless and alone. The model approached the fashionista with menacing anticipation.
"Why are you doing this," Rarity whimpered, "You're Peaches Parfait! You're future was so promising!"
Rarity paused briefly, looking at Peaches. Here was a mare who she had so looked up to, only to learn that she was the one who was going to kill her.
"I...I was going to accept your offer to visit my shop...I was going to introduce you to my friends and...and hope we could all be just as close to you as we are each other..."
Peaches smiled at the sentiment. To her, it was a shame to kill somepony who was not only a very talented seamstress, but a very nice mare as well.
"So sorry, dear, but life has a way of keeping us from getting what we want," the model answered.
Peaches extended her whip threateningly, inching it closer to Rarity's vulnerable throat.
"Now, be still," Peaches said in that ever calm tone of her's.
In a sudden movement, the vile cord was wrapped tightly around Rarity's neck.
"It will be much shorter if you just relax," Peaches gently whispered into her ear.
Rarity desperately tried to use her magic to defend herself, but to no avail. Her breath grew short, and her vision began to fade. Just as she was about to completely black out, several things happened at once.
The first was a sudden yell, followed by a sharp gasp from Peaches.
After the gasp, the whip that was choking Rarity suddenly loosened, and the fashionista collapsed to the ground, gasping and sputtering for air, just as the doors to the runway burst open from a solid buck delivered by Applejack.
Rarity then felt somepony support her head, tilting it up so she could breathe easier. Glancing down, she saw Spike, who was no longer pinned down by the dagger wielding assassin. Immediately, she wrapped her hooves around the small dragon in a tight hug.
The two were quickly hustled away by their friends to a safe distance and group hugged.
"What happened," Rarity gasped as she became aware that Peaches' magic had been nullified.
"Look," Spike said simply as he just stared in the direction of the two sisters, prompting the mares to do the same.
Their first concern was Rarity when they burst into the room, so what they saw shocked them.
Cream was standing beside Peaches, both daggers dug deep into her sister's neck.
Peaches had a look of pure shock and surprise frozen on her face, her eyes wide and her mouth open with blood slowly trickling out. She shifted her gaze to see her sister's face, expressionless, but trembling with anger.
"Cream..." Peaches said, not believing her sister would do such a thing, "Why...?"
Cream did not answer right away. She just stared at her sister, her gaze boring the rage she felt into her before she spoke, "Because it was always about others, wasn't it? That's why everypony loved you. But what about me!? Everywhere we went. Every event, every charity, every photo shoot, I was there. But nopony knew who I was, or why I was with you. I fucking hated it!"
"But you wanted to come with me," Peaches tried to reason with her sister.
"No, Peaches. You wanted me to come with you." Cream's daggers slowly dug deeper up the handles into her sister's neck. "You wanted me to be there as everypony praised you for being such a giver. I always had my own plans. I didn't even want to kill the Bearer of Generosity. Just today, I was going to sign to a record label. But I had to put that off to be here, because I come second!"
Peaches was speechless. All this time, had she been neglecting her own sister? Only one word came to her.
"No..." she said quietly.
With a sudden burst of magic, Cream sliced her blades through her sister's neck, severing her head. The headless body crumpled, and the severed head landed between the body's forelegs, as though being cradled by it. A single tear appeared in the head's eye before it whispered its last words.
"Cream, you were never second to me..."
And Peaches' voice fell silent.
Cream stood over her fallen sister, staring for what felt like an eternity to her.
Travis looked on and found himself relating to the sisters. He himself had a twin brother, but they weren't on the best of terms. Chances were that if they ever saw each other again, one of them would end up dead on the other's sword. He approached the sullen assassin in an attempt to console her.
"Cream," he asked as he reached out to put a hoof on her shoulder.
"I don't need your pity," Cream said as she swatted away Travis's hoof, "Or your sympathy, or your comfort. There's nothing you can do to fix this."
Cream's daggers flew up again, this time one dagger's point came to rest over her heart, as the blade of the other one lay across her neck.
"I can only help myself now," she said as a hint of fear and sadness crept into her voice.
"Cream, be reasonable. Don't do anything drastic," Travis pleaded.
"Shut the fuck up," she snapped at him, "If it's not my sister, it's somepony else deciding what I want! Please...let me have this."
Her words touched Travis, though not in a way he liked. He decided to demonstrate his generosity and stepped back to his friends.
"Thank you," she said forlornly.
"What's going on," Spike asked, dreading what was about to happen.
The mares went rigid as they understood what was coming next.
Rarity began to breathe heavily. "Travis, do something!"
"Stop her," Pinkie begged as she clung to Travis's foreleg.
It was too late.
The first dagger plunged up to its hilt into Cream's heart.
Twilight shrieked as she took Spike and buried his face into her shoulder, sparing the dragon from the gruesome sight.
Fluttershy hid behind her mane and Pinkie covered her mouth in an attempt not to scream.
Dash had already turned away before Peaches was killed, and still had her back turned now, trembling from the noise of the piercing dagger.
The others watched as the second blade magically dragged itself across Cream's throat, releasing a cascade of blood.
Cream settled to her knees and rested her head on her sister's shoulder. She took her hoof in her own, and slipped away with a contented sigh.
Travis recalled Holly Summers suddenly. She had the same look on her face that Cream did before she died. He remembered how he felt that day when she took her own life.
It reminded him of why he hated killing some of these people. Though some of them were shit heads with serious issues, they were still people who had lives of their own. Travis put these thoughts aside for the moment and turned his attention to Pinkie and Fluttershy.
"It's okay. It's over now," he gently said to them as he helped the timid pegasus up. He looked to the others and saw Rarity crying as she hugged her friends.
"Rarity," Travis asked.
"Rarity, what's wrong,"Twilight said, worry building inside of her.
Spike still had not taken his face from Twilight's shoulder. She gently cradled his head as she spoke.
Rarity's voice was barely audible over her choking voice, but after a few seconds she managed to speak.
"I...want to see my sister...It's her birthday tomorrow and...," she began to loudly sob, "And I want to be there for her."
Travis surveyed the scene, taking in the carnage that lay before them.
Dash gently nudged Rarity to her hooves, and her friends guided her to the door.
"We might as well go," Travis said quietly as he put a comforting hoof around Pinkie. Pinkie leaned into Travis's side as they walked as if she was trying to be as close to a friendly pony as possible, "This photo shoot's as good as cancelled anyway."
Sweetie Belle's party went about as well as could be expected without Pinkie's special brand of fun. There were games and gifts and general merriment. But for Sweetie, this meant nothing since her sister was busy in Manehattan. She dismally opened up her last present, and the cake was rolled in.
The cake was a standard chocolate affair, nothing special to say about it. But with a burst of confetti, and a fanfare of party horns, a much larger, much more impressive cake bumped the other one out of the way.
Out of the top came Pinkie, singing a special birthday song for Sweetie. This helped to lighten the birthday filly's mood, but not so much as when her older sister appeared with a gift for her.
Sweetie took the gift and eagerly tore the wrapping off to find a two books inside: Pitch Perfect's Guide to Greater Vocal Technique and The Art of Lyrics. Sweetie's face beamed as she held the books.
"Rarity, it's exactly what I wanted," she said as she happily bounced up and down, "I have the best big sister ever, don't I?"
"That's debatable," Applebloom said.
Scootaloo opened her mouth to say something, when all of a sudden Rarity picked up her younger sister in a tight embrace, much to the little filly's chagrin.
"Come on, not in front of my friends," Sweetie protested.
She stopped though when she heard the quiet sobs of her sister, and her annoyance turned to concern.
"Rarity, are you okay?"
"I'm fine, Sweetie Belle," Rarity said as she stroked the filly's mane, "But I want you to promise me something: never, ever grow up."
Sweetie Belle knew that Rarity had a knack for melodramatics, but this seemed different to her. She looked up at her sister, confused, "You sure you're okay?"
"Yes," Rarity replied with a smile, as tears streamed down her face. "Please, promise me you'll stay the way you are always. It's precious to me, and I don't want to lose it."
Sweetie didn't understand what she was being asked. But she could tell from how her sister was acting that it was something genuine. The filly rested her head on her sister's shoulder, and returned her embrace.
"I promise," Sweetie Belle said quietly.
The sister's actions had an effect on everypony around them, which filled them with a sense of familial love.
One stallion in the crowd thought he should contact his sister, who he hadn't seen or spoken to in years after a fight they'd had.
Another mare began to regret moving away once she got custody of the foals after her divorce.
Even Travis himself thought that he should try to get back in touch with his twin once he got home. Maybe the two of them could start things over and become like a real family. After all, it wasn't as if they had anyone but each other since their sister died. He watched the Belle sisters, wanting what they had for himself.
His mind was made up: when he got home, he was going to call Henry over, order some pizza and kick his ass at Bizarre Jelly 5. Hell, maybe he'd take up Shinobu on that offer to give her a call.
Then he became aware of a presence to his left.
Glancing over, he found Pinkie glaring at him as if he'd just stepped on a cupcake.
"Uh," Travis began, not sure of what to say to the apparently angry mare, "What's up, Pinkie?
"Who's Shinobu?"
PEACHES AND CREAM MURDER-SUICIDE
Author's Note
Cosmarepolitan?! What the hell was I thinking when I made that up? I guess I'm not clever enough when it comes to equine puns.
And the Superball Special, I'll admit was taken from X-Men. Wolverine and Colossus doing their Fastball Special. Sweeeeeeet.
Just a heads up, the next few chapters are not going to be assassin chapters. They will focus on Travis's life around Ponyville. Also, we're going to see how the assassin fights have affected the element bearers and Spike.
We're also going to see just what happens between Travis and Pinkie (TraPinkie, as my brother calls it. Yeesh...). See how you like the upcoming change of direction. And as always, rock on \m/.
No More Heroes: Friendship is Fucked!!
Chapter 13: Still Trying to Make Friends
Chapter 13
Still Trying to Make Friends
The walk through town was as unpleasant as the one before.
Wherever Shinobu walked, ponies cleared out of her way, and those with foals protectively covered them.
She tried to pay them no mind, as doing so only amplified their effect on her, and made her so far bad day that much worse.
During the walk, Shinobu had decided that her next stop would be to go to Fluttershy's house, since she seemed like the one who'd be the most accepting of her, according to what Twilight said.
She remembered that during their talk, Twilight mentioned that Fluttershy lived near the Everfree Forest, so logically, Shinobu took the one road that led to that direction.
It was pleasant as soon as she got out of town, now that she wasn't bombarded by wary stares or ponies cowering out of her way. The peaceful walk allowed her to focus on ways that she could relate to Fluttershy.
She remembered that Fluttershy was into animals, so maybe they could bond over that.
Shinobu herself wasn't very good with animals, outside of a pet dog that she had when she was a little girl, but that would be a part of the bonding experience: Fluttershy could teach her how to take care of each one, and they'd be friends in no time. She was supposed to be the Bearer of Kindness after all, so how hard could making friends with her be?
The cottage came into sight around the bend, and Shinobu once more assessed the area.
It looked like something straight out of a fairy tale, with all the greenery, a river running past it, but most striking of all were all the animals that could be seen.
In the river, frolicked otters, seals, and all kinds of fish.
The trees were lined with small, wooden houses that had tiny birds and squirrels living inside.
Other small rodents, like rats and mice could be seen as well.
Even things like tortoises, snakes and spiders could be seen around the area.
"Walt Disney, eat your heart out," Shinobu thought as she walked across the bridge to the cottage.
Her progress was impeded by a line of birds and rats who all stood their ground, keeping her from progressing. She smirked at the tiny platoon before her, and gently pushed them all aside. With them out of the way, Shinobu walked up to the front door and knocked.
After a few moments, she heard quiet steps coming towards the door, no doubt from the timid little shut-in.
The door cracked open, and a fearful eye appeared in the open space.
Shinobu put on her best friendly face and greeted with an enthusiastic, "Hi."
Fluttershy responded with an, "Eep!" And promptly shut the door. Or at least she tried to.
Shinobu had anticipated that she would have the door slammed in her face, and she placed her hoof in the bottom of the door to keep it from closing.
"It's a nice place you've got here," Shinobu said, trying to relate to Fluttershy as she tried to squeeze through the door, though she found the yellow pegasus to be much stronger than she anticipated. "Did you make all of these animal houses yourself," she asked in a strained voice.
"Y-yes," Fluttershy stammered, for fear that Shinobu may get in, "I make all of the homes for the animals. And I feed and take care of them all too." She then felt her hooves sliding backwards as Shinobu began to push her way in. "It's very--satisfying--work," she grunted as she pushed back on the door.
Shinobu was growing weary of the game they had going on. She tried to think of a way to end it, and get into the other pegasus's good graces. She had an idea to jam her sword in the door frame and force her way in like that, but she decided that may be a touch too intense for Fluttershy. She opted for a gentler approach, and tried to persuade her to open the door.
"Well--maybe we could do it together. I bet it get's really tough--looking after all these different animals at once," Shinobu said as she tried to push her way in.
"It's not trouble at all. I've always been able to do it on my own," Fluttershy said as she finally pushed the door closed. "Thank you for the offer," she said from the other side.
Shinobu wasn't about to be shut out. She went there to make friends, and that was what she was going to do.
She began circling the house to look for another way in. She found it in the form of an open window, just like what happened with Rarity.
When she walked over to it, Fluttershy appeared from nowhere and closed it.
The yellow pegasus then proceeded to board up the window with an amazing speed.
That way was a bust, so Shinobu decided to try the next window.
That was boarded up the same as the last one.
So, she tried a third window, and almost got inside that time.
She would have succeeded, if not for Fluttershy appearing in front of her and hoofing her a watering can.
"Could you please water my flowerbed outside this window," she requested.
Her action was so sudden that Shinobu recoiled back outside the window, which was then shut and boarded up.
"That is...if you want to," Fluttershy finished her request.
With a quiet growl, Shinobu dropped the watering can to the ground, which spooked the nearby animals. She kept trying to use the windows, but time after time, Fluttershy beat her to each one. She tried assessing the layout to find another, more unconventional way in.
She dove into the river, thinking that maybe there was a channel that connected to the house's plumbing.
No such luck there, as all she found was a bunch of angry otters who chased her right out of the water.
Then she saw something that should have been obvious to her.
On the roof was a chimney, but unfortunately, it was smoking violently as if there were a roaring fire down at its base.
Shinobu flew to the roof and tried to take a peek inside to see how bad it was, but the smoke was too thick to anything down there.
She really didn't want to do it, but after all the other entrances were barricaded, she was left with little recourse. She dedicated herself to making a friend that day, and she would do anything to do that, even taking a fiery plunge.
She took a deep breath to psyche herself up, and with a quiet, "This is gonna suck," she dove in, half gung-ho and half temporarily insane.
"I think that should take care of it," Fluttershy said after she threw one last log into the fireplace. She then stepped over the couch where Rainbow Dash was sprawled out, still out of commission thanks to the nearly fatal injury she'd sustained.
Dash's side still ached something fierce, and she couldn't fly due to the wound still not being completely closed, but with a friend like Fluttershy, her ordeal was going to be much easier than it would have been.
Fluttershy went about massaging Dash's back.
"Flutters, you got magic hooves. You know that," she sighed contentedly, as she shifted to a more comfortable position and sipped the drink that had been gotten for her earlier.
Fluttershy giggled at the compliment and started massaging a little deeper.
"Don't worry, Rainbow Dash. Whatever you need, I'll get it for you. My hooves are at your service," she said, genuinely delighted to help a friend in need.
Their pleasantries were interrupted by a sudden bumping sound inside the chimney.
Curious as to the source of the noise, Fluttershy threw a bucket of water onto the fire and cautiously looked up the flue.
With a thud, Shinobu came tumbling into the room with a trail of ash and smoke behind her. She coughed a few times before she stood up and spoke.
"Dammit! I just made this outfit," Shinobu lamented, looking over her now dirty, sooty clothes. She stopped worrying about that when she noticed Rainbow Dash lying on the couch.
In that moment, a new level of uncomfortable was discovered when she realized why she was being kept outside.
"Hey," she said trying to break the ice.
No such luck since all Rainbow Dash did was clench her teeth over the straw in her drink.
Fluttershy looked around nervously as she tried to think of something that would relieve the tension in the room. All she could think to do was what she did best: helping others with what they needed, and Shinobu really needed to be washed off.
"Um...hold still, please," she asked as she began to wipe Shinobu down with a washcloth she had nearby for Dash's wounds. She hesitated when she saw Shinobu look apprehensively at her, "If you want to..." she finished with the usual timidity.
"Do what you have to," Shinobu answered, and allowed Fluttershy to wipe the soot from her body.
As Fluttershy cleaned her off, she locked eyes with Dash once more, and though she said nothing, she could tell that Dash wanted her out of the house. She figured that she'd better try making conversation to kill the awkward atmosphere, "Do you get a lot of guests out here?"
"No," Fluttershy meekly answered as she wiped off Shinobu's front legs, "Not many ponies go near the Everfree Forest, so the only visitors I get are my friends and ponies who need me to take care of their animals." She then moved to Shinobu's face and chest area.
"I don't see why. This place is like a petting zoo. Don't any kids come by here to see the animals," Shinobu asked, nearly giggling under Fluttershy's washcloth that moved to her nose.
"Kids," Fluttershy asked, not understanding the human phrase. Then she remembered that Travis told her about it during a talk they had when he first arrived in Equestria. "Oh, you mean foals? No, not many foals come here, because they're all afraid of the forest. Except for a few times when I have to foalsit."
Fluttershy didn't understand why, or maybe it was because Shinobu was being so passive, but she began to grow accustomed to the assassin's presence.
"Sometimes it's a little difficult, but having guests is nice no matter what. I-In fact..." she hesitated as she worked up the nerve to convey her message, "If you wanted to...you could maybe...visit...some..."
She trailed off as she remembered one important factor: Rainbow Dash.
Over on the couch Dash was glaring at Fluttershy, silently warning her against finishing that sentence.
Fluttershy got the message and went back to wiping off Shinobu's wings.
Shinobu's mood was ruined as soon as she looked at Rainbow Dash. She knew that it would do no good to start a conversation with her, but it was worth a shot anyway.
"So," she began awkwardly, "Sorry about almost killing you last night?" She wasn't sure what the right way to apologize for something like that was, so she went with the blunt, straightforward approach.
It did no good, as all Dash did was growl quietly as she tightly clutched her glass to the point that it almost broke in her hoof. The best thing to do would have been to help take care of her injuries, but she didn't think that Dash would go for that.
Instead, Shinobu observed the drink that Dash held and noted how appealing it looked. The color was sky blue, the same as Dash's coat, and had a small parasol in it. Stuck on the parasol was a single red cherry that leaked its juices into the rest of the drink. The texture appeared thick and icy, almost making it look like a smoothie.
"That drink looks pretty good," Shinobu said, grasping for a conversation starter, "What is it?"
Dash still said nothing. She wasn't ready to talk to Shinobu yet, and chances were that she'd never be ready no matter how much time had passed. A small part of her was relieved that Travis didn't kill her, but if he had any sense in his head he would have sent her back where she came from instead of allowing her to stay. She sipped her drink as she continued to shoot her death stare at Shinobu. She had no intentions of saying or doing anything as long as that thug was in the room, but she was soon spurred into action.
As Fluttershy wiped Shinobu down, her muzzle accidentally nudged her sword a half inch out of its sheathe.
Fluttershy gasped at the sight of the weapon and the sound of the metal being unsheathed.
Seeing Fluttershy distressed made Rainbow Dash drop her drink, fly off the couch and slam Shinobu into a wall.
"What the fuck are you doing," Shinobu yelled as she tried to push back against Dash.
Dash was about to tell her to stay the buck away from her friend, but she suddenly keeled over and held her injured side.
"Oh, Celestia! Why does it still hurt so bad," she groaned.
Fluttershy immediately helped her up and guided her back to the couch. She investigated the wound, and saw that it had reopened as evidenced by the fresh bloodstains forming under the bandages, most likely from Dash flapping her wings. She then started undoing the bandages to see the damage.
"Oh no! You popped a stitch," she said in a near state of panic. She then hustled to close the wound up.
Shinobu was beside herself with guilt. She tried to make friends, and very nearly did, but all she did was ruin it in the end.
"I'm sorry," was all she could think to say at the time. She knew it wasn't good enough, but there wasn't much else she could say to make the situation better.
Fluttershy wanted Shinobu to leave, but didn't want to seem like she was kicking her out. She quickly remembered that Mr. Bear still had some leftover fish that he didn't eat, and decided that it would be a good way to send her off.
"It's alright. Really, I can take care of this," she said hastily, "But if you want to help around here: I usually feed the timber wolves in a clearing about a mile and a half into the forest around this time. Could you please take them their fish? The bucket's around the back in an ice chest."
Shinobu decided that she had better do what she was asked to try and lighten the mood. She wanted to say something comforting to Dash before she left, but decided against it. Without another word, she left out the door and went around back, but the two mares inside could hear her kick something hard across the property.
Shinobu vented her frustration by kicking an unfinished birdhouse across the yard, where it broke against a tree. She then quickly swooped in and out of the river to wash the rest of the soot off of her body before she flew out back to get the bucket of fish.
It was right where Fluttershy said it was, in an ice chest that stank like fish, which only worsened Shinobu's foul mood. After she collected the bucket, she took to the air and flew over the forest, looking for the clearing.
She found it easily enough and placed the bucket on the ground. As soon as she did, she heard growls coming from all around her.
"That sneaky little bitch," Shinobu said as she drew her sword, knowing that trouble was coming.
Out of the thickets on the sides of the clearing came a group of five wolves made of branches and leaves.
"Timber wolves...cute," Shinobu said, understanding the pun.
The wolves all circled her hungrily, waiting for the right time to attack her. But their prey was not as helpless as they anticipated.
Shinobu was not about to be done in by a bunch of lower lifeforms, so she made the first move with a quick draw that sliced one completely in half, and then another and another until all of them were shambles of branches.
She knew that she wasn't done yet. She'd watched enough movies and played enough video games to know that whenever something broke apart like that, it would put itself back together, sometimes combining into a larger, more powerful form.
Sure enough, the branches started to rattle, and Shinobu was on it with a vicious wave of sonic slashes. It looked like she had taken care of them, since they remained a pile of lumber.
With a huff, she tossed her sword over her shoulder and caught it in the sheathe.
Shinobu felt betrayed by Fluttershy for being sent into the woods to be eaten by a bunch of her little animal buddies after they started making a connection. She wanted nothing more than to go back to the cottage and trash the place, using Fluttershy as a sledgehammer to break everything on the property.
But no. She had to make a good impression. Rather than going back, she decided to pay a visit to her final prospective friend.
Shinobu chose to fly to Sweet Apple Acres, figuring that she'd recognize the orchard from high above.
Sure enough, along the treeline of the forest, she could spot a large plot of farmland. She flew towards the largest building on the property, the barn, in hopes of finding Applejack, or another person who could tell her where Applejack was.
As she flew closer to the building, she found it to actually be a house that was designed to look like a barn. Or maybe it was a barn that was refurbished into a house. She couldn't tell for sure, but the one important detail about it was sitting right on the front porch.
Like Rainbow Dash, Applejack was out of commission thanks to her injury. Since she couldn't work in this condition she just passed the time idling in a chair on the front porch, and wished that she could get up and do something.
It wasn't all bad, though: she had her younger sister, Apple Bloom, and their dog, Winona, to keep her company.
As soon as Shinobu landed, the yellow filly hid behind her sister's chair, and the dog stood up and growled at her.
"Is that her, sis," Apple Bloom asked from her hiding place. Apparently, Shinobu had been the topic of their discussion before she arrived.
"Yep. That's her," was all Applejack said as she glared at the unwelcome guest.
"Is it true ya tried to kill my sister?"
"I don't know what she's been telling you, but I never actually tried to kill her at all," Shinobu told Apple Bloom. "She just got hurt when she stepped out of her league by fighting me."
"Y'all don't seem to remember how I trashed yer sorry hide in the cider bar," Applejack shot back, "And ya better watch how yer talkin' to my sister, or I swear to Celestia: I'm puttin' ya in the dirt!"
Winona barked aggressively a couple of times after Applejack finished as if to agree.
Shinobu didn't even bother trying to be friendly anymore. She just wanted to get that day over with by that point.
"Whatever," she said, not wanting to aggravate the situation and leave, but she figured she'd offer a courtesy for the hell of it, "Let me know if you need anything done around here."
"Don't hold yer breath."
"Ya could do Applejack's work for her," Apple Bloom suggested.
During their talk, she learned that the assassin was supposed to be making friends with her sister, and and decided to help the process along. But she grew uncomfortable when the two older mares turned their attention to her. She could tell that Applejack didn't like the idea at all, but she allowed her sister to finish.
"Applejack's hurt, and she can't go apple buckin'. So, maybe ya could do it instead?"
Applejack thought it over for a second. "Ya think ya can handle it?"
"I've done farming before," Shinobu answered, as this was another facet of her warrior training when she was younger.
"This ain't farmin', it's apple buckin'. If ya have any trouble, y'all can ask my brother fer help. And that's all I want ya doin' to my brother, ya hear. 'Sides that, I don't want ya anywhere near him," she said accusingly. Like all of the others, she wasn't about to trust Shinobu very easily, and especially not where her family was concerned.
"Yeah, yeah. I got it," was all Shinobu said as she flew off to the orchard.
She scanned the trees in the area, and saw no sign of a pony who could be Applejack's brother. She gave up searching for him and landed on the ground at a tree that had some empty bucket at its base, most likely left there by Applejack's brother.
Shinobu looked around on the ground level to double check for him, but after not seeing him, she decided to dive into bucking. The problem was: she didn't know exactly how to do it.
She looked at the tree before her, wondering if there was a certain technique to doing it. Then again, how hard could it be? It was an apple tree, and she was going to buck it.
Shinobu turned around and thrust her rear hooves against the trunk, only to have a ripple of pain shoot from her rear legs all up and down her spine. With a loud curse, she looked up at the apples hanging from the branches. Not a single fruit fell, but they did shake ever so lightly as if to taunt her.
She tried different approaches to the apple bucking process, like a roundhouse kick, a dropkick, and even a divebomb.
All of them ended in failure, and a serious pain in her hooves.
In an act of desperation, she started punching the tree with her front hooves over and over.
After nearly wearing through the bark, she stopped to see her results, and only one single apple dropped from the tree.
Shinobu eyed the apple angrily. After all that energy she poured into shaking the apples loose, she began to lose it.
She drew her sword, and rapidly slashed the branches, severing the fruit from the limbs. In no time at all, she was finished, and she stood triumphantly before the tree.
Her bravado left her as soon the limbs that were holding the fruits all fell of shortly afterward.
Shinobu looked at the mess before her. This was not going to go over well with the Applejack. She kicked some dirt as she paced back and forth trying to think of a way to fix the problem, before she noticed that she was joined by someone.
He was a large, red stallion with a yellow mane, who she assumed to be the brother that Applejack mentioned. All he did was stare blankly at Shinobu, which annoyed her to no end.
"You have a problem?"
"Eeyup."
"The tree?"
"Eeyup."
"You know something: fuck your tree! Fuck all of these stupid, fucking trees," she raged at the entire orchard.
"Nope."
"Don't you have anything helpful to say?"
"Eeyup."
"So, cough it up already!"
"I think I can help ya with that buckin' technique o' yers if ya stop actin' like a rabid animal," he said, finally contributing to the conversation at hand, "Wait over by that tree while I haul these outta here".
After he hauled away the bounty of apples that Shinobu cut down, they set up another group of buckets under a different tree, and Big Macintosh began his coaching.
"First thing's first: turn yer back to that tree like yer about to buck it," he instructed. Shinobu did as she was told, "For when yer buckin', ya gotta keep yer legs in line with yer back. That way ya don't hurt yer legs or yer spine when ya buck. Like this."
He demonstrated on a nearby tree.
"Now you try."
Shinobu observed his technique, and tried to emulate it. She was about to buck when she was suddenly stopped.
"Almost forgot," Big Macintosh interjected, "There's a sweet spot that ya gotta hit 'round the lower-middle of the tree. That way ya shake the most apples loose without hurtin' the trunk."
With that last bit of information, Shinobu let loose a buck that shook several apples from their branches. Though many apples remained steadfast, at least she was making progress, and she felt proud of herself for it.
"Not bad for a first time, but the idea is to get 'em all in one go so ya don't hit the trees more than ya have to." He then gave the tree a buck that dropped the rest of the fruits.
Despite her success, Shinobu couldn't help but be confused. He was Applejack's brother, so what was his deal? Did he not care that she was the one who injured his sister? She had to find out.
"Why are you doing this?"
"Doin' what?"
"You know who I am, don't you? And what I did to your sister?"
"Eeyup."
"So, why are you helping me?"
"'Cause ya need it."
Shinobu couldn't help but smile when she heard that. That was probably the statement that summed up her whole day. She needed some serious help, not only with bucking, but also with the 'making friends' thing. She realized that maybe Big Macintosh wasn't as simple as he seemed.
"Saw right through me, didn't you?"
"Eeyup," Big Macintosh said with a smirk.
If there was anything he learned from his younger sister, it was that even the most horrible villain could be redeemed (not always, but some of the time), and it seemed like this assassin was well on her way to doing so. He heard all about how she injured Applejack, and almost fatally wounded Dash, but to him, Shinobu acted like she genuinely wanted to mend her ways, and that made her alright in his eyes.
They continued their bucking in the orchard a few more times, and each time Shinobu got a little better.
At one point, they stopped and needed to take their haul of apples to market.
During their walk, they kept up their conversations about various things, such as how Shinobu liked Ponyville so far, and what she thought of her first apple bucking experience.
Their talks continued after they set up shop, stopping occasionally to help a customer.
Each customer was wary of Shinobu, but after seeing that Big Macintosh trusted her, they looked like they warmed up to her ever so slightly.
To Shinobu, it was her chance to get into everyone's good graces, but she soon learned that good things don't last.
"Applejack, please! Don't do this," Twilight said as she tried to reason with her friend.
Back at the orchard, Applejack asked her sister to go see how Shinobu was doing (from a safe distance, of course) and reported that she saw her heading into town with Big Macintosh. It was then that Applejack decided to go after them.
On her way into town, Twilight saw her limping friend and tried to offer her help, which was refused. When asked what she was doing, Applejack told her about the situation between Shinobu and Big Macintosh.
Applejack didn't care if they were getting along, because to her, it still didn't mean that Shinobu could be trusted. She told Shinobu to stay away from her brother, and she meant it. She felt that it was her responsibility to keep him safe no matter what.
Twilight tried to reason with her, stating that Shinobu was making friends like she planned to do, but that wasn't going to stop Applejack.
"What the hay do ya think yer doin'," she sternly asked when she approached the assassin, "I told ya not to go near my brother."
"So what? He doesn't have a problem with me," Shinobu rebutted.
"Nope," came Big Macintosh's agreement.
Twilight thought that the issue was pretty much ended, but if she knew Applejack, she knew that she wouldn't be convinced by something as trivial as how other ponies felt. She decided that the best way to convince her was to relate it to her.
"See, your brother's alright with her," she began, "You know what an excellent judge of character he is, so don't you think she might not be all that bad?"
"Y'all know what she tried to do to us all last night! For all we know, that could just be a part o' her ruse," came the farmpony's response.
Twilight's strategy didn't work. She tried to diffuse the situation before it was too late. But she already was.
"Ruse," Shinobu yelled as she got in Applejack's face over the aspersion, "I've done nothing but try to make friends all day! I don't get what's so hard to understand about that!"
She would have gone on and on, but she felt Big Macintosh's hoof on her shoulder.
"I think ya should go," he said calmly. As much as he hated to send her away, it was the only thing left to do to before the argument became another violent brawl. He knew that they were becoming friends, which made it hurt even worse when he saw the way that Shinobu looked at him. It was a look of pure sorrow and betrayal, like he let her down hard.
"...Fine," was all Shinobu said as she stormed off down the road.
But Twilight wasn't about to let a pony in need of a friend go so easily.
"Wait," she said as she trotted ahead of her, "Shinobu, wait. We can still find a way to make you some friends around here. We just have to come up with a way to make everypony trust you."
"Trust me," Shinobu said incredulously, "You think anyone around here would trust me!?"
"Well, yes," Twilight began, almost doubting herself in that moment, "All we need to to do is think of something that you can do to earn everypony's acceptance and--"
"Would you listen to yourself," Shinobu interjected, "You think that by doing some spontaneous act of goodwill, I won't be seen as some kind of pariah!? Don't you see how simplistic and unreasonable that is!? I'm not wanted here, and I never will be!"
Twilight didn't answer. Things like earning trust always worked for her, but maybe things were different where Shinobu came from. Wherever that was, it must really have been terrible.
"Just...fuck off," Shinobu's voice choked as she nearly broke down crying. With a flap of her wings, she flew away to be alone somewhere.
"Good riddance to bad apples," Applejack said as she started to limp back home.
But Twilight wasn't about to let her get away. Her hoof shot out and grabbed Applejack's mane, painfully stopping her in her tracks.
"What're ya doin'!"
"We need to talk. Now," Twilight said sternly and walked away, dragging Applejack behind her.
"Hey, hey! Slow down, Twi! I only got three good legs," she futilely protested.
As she flew, Shinobu looked for an isolated place to go for a while. She found a place in the park where only a few ponies were.
She alighted on a bench, and the few ponies nearby cleared out. With a sigh, she laid down on the bench, a myriad of emotions raging inside her. She was too sad to vent her rage, but at the same time she was too angry to cry.
Minutes passed, and Shinobu tried to enjoy what little peace the solitude gave her, until she heard a familiar voice to her side.
"Correct me if I'm wrong, but it looks like you're having a really crappy day."
Shinobu was slightly relieved to find that the person talking to her was Travis, who had a garbage bag, and one of his swords out with a piece of trash stuck on the end of it.
"I don't want to talk about it," she answered with a sigh.
Travis discarded the trash on his beam katana into the trash bag, sheathed his weapon and sat down next to her on the bench.
"I can't really blame you. I can only imagine the kind of day you've been having. I bet it's been a bitch trying to get anyone here to accept you," he said, striking every nerve in Shinobu's body.
"Oh, fuck off," she snapped, "If you don't want to help, why don't you go back into town and hang out with all of your friends!? I bet they'd be happy to see a violent psycho like you hanging around!"
Travis didn't actually have to go far to find his friends. After Shinobu visited each one of the Bearers, they began to seek her out for their own reasons.
After a talk with Mr. Cake, Pinkie decided that maybe she was a little harsh on Shinobu and wanted to apologize for her behavior.
Rarity noticed that Shinobu left her ninja gear in her sewing room, and wanted to return it to her.
Fluttershy found the birdhouse that Shinobu broke, and when Dash found out about it, she stormed into town to give her a piece of her mind. Fluttershy tagged along to try and get Dash back to her house.
And finally, Applejack had gotten a serious earful from Twilight about how she treated Shinobu, and demanded that she apologize to her. When Applejack refused, Twilight dragged her around town looking for the assassin.
They all heard that she was last seen going to the park and headed to that direction, all of them arriving at nearly the same time as Travis. But they all stayed back when the two of them started talking, curious to hear where their conversation would lead.
"Actually, I wanted to talk to you about something," Travis said, "How did you get here in Equestria?"
From her hiding spot behind a trash can, Pinkie grew hopeful to the answer. Maybe there was a way that even if Travis went back to Santa Destroy, he could still come back through some other means.
"I took an akashic point to get here. It was a few cities over in San Romero," Shinobu answered.
Pinkie and Travis's hearts both became all aflutter at the news that there was another way to Equestria. If it wasn't for the serious mood at the time, Pinkie would have leapt out of her hiding spot and kissed Travis.
"The problem is that it only opens once every three years. So I have to stay here until I can go back home."
There had to be a catch. Of all the stupid, bullshitty, dumb fuck reasons to not be able to come back, that had to be it. By the time three years had passed, Pinkie and Travis would both have moved on with their lives. Chances were that they'd barely remember each other after that amount of time, and be in new relationships.
Travis was crushed, to say the least, but then something occurred to him, "Oh... Well, why do you want to go back to Santa Destroy?"
"Because there's nothing for me here. Everyone hates me, and I can't make friends no matter how hard I try," Shinobu decided that she could confide to Travis about her problems as the only person that she could relate to, "You know your girlfriend? She and I both know how to bake, so I thought that we could make a bunch of pastries together. But as soon as she learns that everyone likes my stuff better than her's, she kicks me out of the bakery!"
Pinkie never considered how Shinobu might have felt about that. All she cared about at the moment was being better than she was, and at the same time, making the watchers past the wall laugh. She almost went catatonic when she realized her worst fear: she really was as bad as Mean-Old-Mr.-Glass-Tits. And she wished shame on all of the watchers who laughed during the scene at the bakery last chapter.
Meanwhile, Shinobu continued talking to Travis.
"I tried Rarity next, but she was even worse. We tried making casual clothes together."
"Hence the new clothes?"
"Yeah. But she had no idea how to make them, so I tried to help her. After I showed her what casual was, she pushed me out of her work room!"
At her hiding spot behind a tree, Rarity clutched Shinobu's clothes closely to her. It was a serious blow to her pride that somepony else could do something that she couldn't in the field that she was best at, and that was why she wanted Shinobu out of her house. It was after she left that she saw Shinobu had left her clothes behind, so she began studying them, to try and find out what made them unique from the clothes that she normally made. Though they weren't in line with the 'casual' idea, they were still different from her usual repertoire.
She also looked over Shinobu's sketches, and wondered how she made something so close to the original design so easily. She really did admire her for that, and as soon as she got the hang of it, she was going to make Shinobu a whole closet worth of casual wear as thanks for her help.
"And don't even get me started on the shut-in and her friend."
"Did you hear what she just called you," Dash seethed as she tried to step out from behind their hiding spot behind some bushes to give Shinobu what-for.
"Wait! Wait," Fluttershy said as she pulled Dash back, "Listen."
"I only wanted to be nice to them. I even wanted to help Dash with her injuries, as a way to make up for hurting her. I don't know what I did to piss her off, but she flew across the room and attacked me! And then her stitches broke, and suddenly I'm the bad guy, even though I wasn't doing anything!"
Shinobu's tone began to sound low and angry as her body began to tremble.
"But that was nothing compared to what Fluttershy did. After Dash got back on the couch, Fluttershy sent me into the woods with a bucket of fish to feed the timber wolves, but then it turned out that it was actually bait so I could get eaten by her pets!"
"I didn't think there'd actually be timber wolves there," Fluttershy said as tears leaked out of her eyes. She never felt so guilty in all of her life. She never meant to bring harm to anypony, no matter who they were or what they did. The mere thought that she accidentally put Shinobu into such danger broke her apart. Not even Dash's comforting embrace made her feel better.
Even after what was done to her, Dash felt bad for her would-be assassin. All that she tried to do was protect Fluttershy, but she never thought about the consequences of her actions. It was always a weakness of her's, but it never got her into serious trouble. But now she realized that she pretty much ruined somepony else's day. Somepony who only wanted to help her, for that matter. For the first time in her life, she felt remorse for her impulsive behavior, and wished that she could change the way she was.
"But Applejack was the worst out of all of them," Shinobu continued, still seething with rage, "I didn't even bother with her, but her brother was so nice to me while I was there. He taught me how to buck trees, and while we were in town, he got other ponies to start accepting me."
"And then Applejack wants you to stay away from him, right? Travis asked.
Shinobu stared curiously at Travis, wondering how the hell he knew something like that.
It seemed that Travis understood what she wanted to ask, as he answered, "Family always comes first with her. She's pretty protective of them."
"But that doesn't mean that I can't be friends with her brother," Shinobu nearly shouted. "I was so close to making a friend, and then that apple-sucking fuck head ruins it for me!"
Travis couldn't believe what happened next, something that he never expected to happen: Shinobu began to cry. It was very quiet, and there were no tears, but she was still shuddering the same as someone who had been very hurt.
"I yelled at Twilight too," Shinobu said in a quiet voice, "She was the only one who wasn't afraid of me, and I told her to fuck off."
Behind the low stone wall, Applejack's steadfast and stubborn nature finally wavered. Never before did she feel such empathy for another pony, and it made her feel awful for the way she treated Shinobu. It was a very, very bitter, hard, terrible feeling, and she hated every second of it.
Twilight didn't know whether to feel relieved, or sad. She was glad that Shinobu had genuinely tried to make friends, and that Applejack was remorseful for her behavior, but at the same time: Shinobu had such a bad day, and she never liked seeing her friends sad for any reason. She nudged Applejack so that they could listen to more of the conversation.
"I just want to go home," Shinobu sobbed as she buried her face in Travis's shoulder. The feel of Travis putting his hoof around her quelled her sobbing momentarily.
"You know: there was a time when I thought there was nothing here for me," Travis offered his comforts, "But the great thing about this place is that no matter how bad things get, they always work out and become better. I know it seems crazy, but this world is built on things like friendship, redemption, forgiveness and the idea that everyone can get along."
Shinobu thought that was bullshit. It was an entirely different world from her own, but she didn't buy that such a utopian place could exist. And even if it was true, this place sure didn't feel like utopia.
"Don't worry. I'm sure things will work out here. And until then, stick with me. I'll make sure nobody gives you any shit," Travis assured.
Travis's words managed to lift Shinobu's spirits slightly. With a sigh and a smile, she stopped crying and planted a kiss on Travis's cheek. It was a small, harmless gesture of thanks, but they both couldn't help but feel like there would be trouble if anyone saw them. And then their hearts stopped when realized that someone did.
Pinkie had come out of her hiding spot to give her apology, but didn't expect to find Shinobu smooching with her coltfriend. Strangely though, she didn't care about that. She knew that it was what would make Shinobu smile, and decided to let it slide. After all, it wasn't like they were making out.
"Pinkie! I swear, this isn't what it looks like," Travis said, nearly panicking.
Pinkie calmed him down with a small kiss to let him know that she understood before facing Shinobu.
"I'm sorry," she began, "You really are a good baker. Almost as good as I am. And I know that you won our bet fair and square. It wasn't right the way I treated you for it."
"I wasn't really fair to you either," Applejack said as she and Twilight both approached Shinobu, "I mean, who am I to say who ya can an' can't be friends with? It just ain't right. If ya wanna see my brother again, I got no problems with ya visitin'."
"Nor do I," Rarity added, "Please, accept my most sincere apologies. I only wanted to be better than you at something I've never before attempted. Do you think you can find it in your heart to forgive me."
Rarity's eloquent speech made Shinobu chuckle, because seriously: who talked like that? "Alright. I forgive you, Scarlet Pimpernel."
"Who?"
The cheery mood was lessened significantly at the sounds of sobbing, which came from Fluttershy. She was still upset over the fact that she sent Shinobu into a den of timber wolves, and desperately wanted to make up for it.
"I'm sorry," she sobbed, "I didn't mean for you to get hurt in the woods. I swear, I've never seen timber wolves there before!"
Shinobu would have been more angry at her if she couldn't tell how sorry Fluttershy actually was. "It's alright. I didn't actually get hurt," she said, trying to calm the crying pegasus down. It was a bit awkward for her, since that kind of situation didn't normally happen to people, but she remembered what Travis said about things being built on forgiveness here, and decided to try her hand at it. "Just...try not to do it again, okay?"
It seemed that Fluttershy had accepted her forgiveness, since she stopped crying and nodded.
Twilight was delighted to see that even though Shinobu didn't earn everypony's trust, she had earned something just as valuable: their forgiveness, and their empathy. She realized that she hadn't written a report about empathy yet, and thought it would be a perfect thing to add to her repertoire of things she learned about friendship. She briefly wondered if maybe that was how they made friends where the two former humans came from, but decided not to ask. Right now, they had to get to know each other better.
"Shinobu, if you're not doing anything right now: I need some help at the library," Twilight offered. She figured that as long as the patrons there saw that she was a plain, average mare in a gentle, quiet setting, they might stop being afraid of her.
"Thanks, but I still have something to do. I think that I owe Rainbow Dash more than just an apology," she said, feeling her sorrow leave her. "Dash," and that was as far as she got. She didn't know how to ask Dash if she could be her caretaker, or if she would accept her help. Dash finished for her.
"If you wanna come by Fluttershy's place, it's fine with me."
"Okay, I will. And Fluttershy: if you need a break from Dash, I'll gladly look after her," she said, feeling more comfortable pitching her offer to Fluttershy, since she wasn't the one she injured. Fluttershy didn't know if that would be okay, since she had been taking care of Dash that whole time.
"I'd be okay with that," Dash said, saving Fluttershy from a mess of flustering.
It seemed that Travis was right: here, the rules of friendship conquered even the worst of things. Shinobu wanted to grab all of them in a massive group hug, but decided that the sudden show of affection may have been somewhat off putting.
"Alright, Dash. Let's get you back on that couch," she said as she put Dash's hoof over her shoulder to support her, and they began to walk to Fluttershy's house. "So, what was that drink you had?"
"I don't know, but Fluttershy's great at making them. We'll have some when we get back to the house," Dash answered.
As they walked, the other mares started with them as they left to go their own ways. Rarity offered Shinobu her clothes back.
"I'm sure that you'll want these back, darling," she offered. But Shinobu declined
"Keep 'em for a while. I'm sure you can modify them to get that casual look we were trying to do," Shinobu said.
"Alright, but only if you're present at the time. I would die if I ruined these."
Pinkie had attempted to follow them all, but was stopped when she felt Travis's hooves around her waist.
"I think I promised a combat lesson around noon," he said as he kissed her cheek.
Travis grew more passionate, and his kiss became a tender love bite when he heard Pinkie's breathing grow more rapid and saw her lick her lips at the promise of combat. Her lesson was going to be very interesting indeed.
Author's Note
Hmmmm...I'm not so sure about the last part of this chapter. Ah well. If there's actually anything wrong with it, I'm sure one of you can tell me and I can fix it.
In case anyone is wondering what that drink Dash has, it's a Blue Hawaiian. They're crazy easy to make, and really great for hot summer days.
And Big Macintosh's explanation about the bucking technique? Sorry, but I have no idea what the fuck I'm talking about there. I just spouted off what seemed to make sense for a pony's body structure.
Also, that reference to San Romero: I read somewhere that No More Heroes and Lollipop Chainsaw take place in the same universe. Whether or not this was true, I don't know. But good god damn, that would be interesting.
I also know that almost all of you were laughing as Pinkie wished shame on you, which was kind of the idea. You know: to be funny. I'm not writing this to make any statements, I'm just working with what the characters give me. And don't feel bad about laughing during the bake off last chapter, because that was also meant to be funny. Have a nice day. Rock on \m/
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No More Heroes: Friendship is Fucked!!
Chapter 18: A Few Happy and Unhappy Reunions
Chapter 18
A Few Happy and Unhappy Reunions
"Ow! Fuck! Ow! Fuck! Ow! Fuck!"
Travis danced his way through the scorpion infested fields that were on the outskirts of Santa Destroy, and the little bastards were none too happy to see him again. The fact that Jeanne was digging her claws into Travis's neck wasn't exactly helping him either.
As the scorpions continued to sting him, Travis began to grow woozy from their venom as he hopped across the field to the safe side of the fence that bordered it, where he found a medkit that was loaded with antidotes for the scorpion poison.
Travis took a handful of antidote pills, and shot up a whole syringe of anti-venom to counteract the scorpion poison.
"You can come down now," he said to Jeanne, who still insisted on clinging to Travis, "I get cut up enough without your help, Jeanne."
With a meow, Jeanne hopped off of Travis and they continued to walk even though they were both worn out by that time. Luckily, in a nearby alleyway was a wooden box full of food and water for them that was just lying around.
Feeling rejuvenated, and loving the fact that needed supplies were always lying around the streets of the city, they walked towards home as the sun was going down.
Normally, Travis would have taken this as more of a benevolent sign, that while once princess was resting, the other was watching over him. Now it only meant that his search would be hindered by the approaching dark, and all the bad things that came with it.
He decided that the prudent thing to do was to go home and see if he had a working flashlight to aid his search for his friends.
The two travelers then made their way to their home at the Motel No More Heroes.
When their home came into view, they felt a wash of relief come over them, but the closer they got, the more things seemed out of place.
When they approached, they found brand new cuts in the concrete walls, and bullet holes in all of the surrounding area. More worrying was the amount of blood that was present, and the fact that it was fresh added to their troubled minds.
"Looks like some serious shit happened here, girl," Travis said casually, even though he was desperately hoping that none of the blood belonged to any of his friends.
He and Jeanne both entered the parking lot to find someone's crumpled form lying on the ground. Probably the loser of a hobo knife fight, but then again, hobos didn't dress in such expensive looking clothes.
Upon investigation, Travis found it to be the form of his twin, Sir Henry Mother Fucker, lying on the ground battered and bloody. Jeanne jumped on his chest and looked directly at this closed eyes.
"Hey? You dead," Travis asked as he nudged him with his foot.
Henry moaned in response.
Travis should have guessed that Henry wouldn't have died that easily, especially after all the shit he'd been through with him.
Jeanne meowed as she lay on his chest.
"Is that an angel voice?" Henry asked, barely a whisper.
"Nope. As far as I know, angels don't say 'meow,'" Travis said, refuting his brother's ridiculous question. He saw Henry smile when he heard his twin's voice.
"Then I suppose this isn't heaven."
"What makes you so sure about that?"
"You'd never get past the pearly gates."
Travis walked right into that one.
"I saw an angel today, brother," Henry said.
Travis knew that he was going to go on some bullshit ramble about whatever, using language in some pretentious way that sounded deep, but was just bullshit.
"She came to me in the form of a rainbow-haired girl. She--"
"Hold on," Travis had to cut off Henry's monologue to get to a more important point, "You said that you met a girl with rainbow hair? What was her name?"
"Rainbow Dash. Her name was Rainbow Dash."
Hearing his friend's name sparked a renewed vigor in Travis and he bent down over Henry.
"Where is she now? And did she have anyone with her?"
"I helped her to reunite with all of her friends, until we were attacked by the man sent from the UAA," Henry divulged, still not opening his eyes, or standing up.
Travis's hope turned to frustration. Now the UAA was involved? He thought it was ended after Jasper Batt Jr. was killed. Now what bullshit was going on? And what about his friends? What did the man from the UAA do to them?
Henry stood up from the ground, so that Jeanne hopped off his chest.
"They're all still alive, Travis. He said that they would only die on your defeat as a way to commemorate the event," he said.
Travis hated this damsel bullshit that was going on. He knew his friends, and only one or two of them fit the damsel description. All of the others should have been able to handle themselves, unless there was something more powerful than they were working against them.
"This is pretty twisted shit, bro," was all Travis said as he put his hands on his hips.
"I agree. And it needs to end," Henry said as he started walking away towards the exit of the parking lot. "They're all at the UAA headquarters buildin'. I suggest you take care of things here first before headin' out. Ya might not get another chance to save."
And then Henry left without another word.
Travis watched him go until he was out of sight.
"That was actually some pretty good advice," Travis said to himself.
He was expecting some unimportant ramblings from Henry's mouth, but saving was actually a very good idea to him. That, and he also had to keep his promise to Jeanne and give her two cans of wet food. He opened his front door and walked inside.
It was dark, so he turned on his light, and what he found was the last thing he ever though he'd see. Jeanne hissed at the sight, and retreated behind Travis.
"Hey. How ya doin' buddy?"
What he found was a stranger in his room, sitting in his chair, watching his anime, and eating a bowl of his popcorn.
The stranger was a man in a black suit and a pair of sunglasses. He was an older man in his late forties, or maybe his early fifties, evidenced by his gray-colored temples against the rest of his stark yellow hair.
"What the hell!" Travis yelled as he walked into his motel room, while Jeanne remained outside, "Who the fuck are you!? And what the fuck are you doing in my house!? Get out!"
That was what he didn't need at that moment. It could only lead to more stupid bullshit, the way things worked for him.
"Aw, don't be such a party-pooper. Here, have some popcorn," the man said with an eerily familiar smile as he offered the bowl to Travis. Shortly after he did, he retracted the bowl back to himself, "Second thought: this popcorn fuckin' sucks."
He said this as he stuffed a heaping handful of popcorn into his mouth.
"Ya better find a new place to shop, slick."
Travis's mind completely snapped when he heard that.
There was only one person who ever called him 'slick' and he was in no mood to see him again. Not that he should have seen him again since (if you remember) he should have been dead.
"Betcha didn't think I meant it literally when I said I'd see ya 'round. But from death's ratty door, I've risen like yeast. Or somethin' else that rises. Pull up a chair an' let's have a talk."
Travis did not want to have anything to do with Glastits. The first time he was killed should have ended any relationship they had of any kind. He clenched his fists, unable to process how this could possibly be happening.
"I'm going to go save right now," he told his very unwelcome guest, "And when I come back, you had better be dead again, so I can look for my friends in peace."
"But don't ya wanna find out what I wanna say? It might be important. It doesn't have to be weird for ya ta listen ta me like ya don't hate me," Glastits said with a smile like this was all some kind of joke.
"I don't give a shit! Fuck anything you have to say," Travis shouted before he started to head to his save room.
He was stopped when he heard the familiar clicking sound of a gun being cocked behind him. When he turned, he saw a large, gaudy pink gatling gun, pointed right at him.
"Humor me," Glastits said, any humor gone from his voice.
Travis eyed him carefully and complied with Glastits' request to not provoke him. He leaned his back against the wall, keeping a close watch on him and listening for any sounds from him or his gun.
"Ya seem pretty clueless, so I think I should tell ya that yer steppin' inta a whole world o' shit, slick."
"I knew that as soon as I saw you in Equestria," Travis spat back, "You're only going to tell me what I already know, so don't even bother going on. All I wanna do is get your ass out of my house, drop this save I've been holding since this morning and get this all done with! And I know that since you're here, the others are all back too, so now I have to do some boss rush crap that'll end with me facing the guy who hired all of you! You guys were a pain in the ass the first time, and now this!? Does this ever end!?"
Glastits threw the bowl of popcorn onto the floor and stood up scowling.
"Listen, dipshit: I'm not any happier 'bout bein' written back in than you are!! You heard all the pissin' and moanin' as soon as I showed up!" Glastits proceeded to speak in a mocking voice. "'Oh god, not this guy again! He was such a stupid character! He's just a crappy version of Dr. Peace! This story's stupid now!' Ya know what? Fuck you! Fuck the watchers past the wall!! An' fuck this stupid, fuckin' intestinal scrape that ya call a story!!! Dr. Peace can kiss my ass!!!!"
He and Travis both glared at each other, but hesitated to make a killing move.
Travis knew if he killed Glastits, he would most likely come back again, no matter what he did.
Glastits would have killed Travis as well, but then what would happen next? He had no way of knowing what was going to happen since that part of the story wasn't written yet.
Glastits then backed off from Travis and his voice took on a more understanding tone.
"If ya want, I'll talk ta the others an' call off our boss rush. I best get goin' if I wanna catch 'em before they set up."
Travis opened the door and motioned for his guest to leave.
"Out!" Was all Travis said.
"Ya get right ta the point. I like that."
Glastits almost started walking, but then he stopped, irritating Travis further.
"I know yer not in the mood, but let me tell ya somethin' funny."
Travis groaned at the idea of hearing another joke, but allowed the man to continue.
"Long time ago, some kid tried ta let all th' other kids know what a big deal he was by pickin' on folks bigger than him, 'til he was king o' the neighborhood. In the end, he got tired of that game an' called it quits. Turned out that this whole thing was bigger than he coulda thought. He ended up makin' a monster after beatin' up all those other kids. An' years later he tried to take it on. He tried, an' he failed. So, he left his home to a land unlike his own. There, he learned how ta get along with th' other kids, an' look after anyone who needed him. After a while there, the boy finally became a man, an' he returned home to face the monster he made. As for whether or not he actually beat it: fuck if I know."
Travis waited impatiently to see if there was any more to this joke, but the silence continued on.
"And the punchline?"
"Naw, no punchline. It's just funny. Downright stupid if ya think about it," Glastits said, as his smile returned to his face.
Travis couldn't help himself. The old man was right: that was the stupidest thing that he heard in his life. He began smiling too, almost loosing a chuckle as he replayed the joke in his head.
"There's only one assassin left ta kill. Get rid o' him, an' hope that it's all over from there. I'll see ya 'round, slick," Glastits said, repeating his last words to Travis before he left, and closed the door behind him.
Travis scuffed around his apartment for a second, his mind crammed with rage and frustration. But he knew that he couldn't mope around forever: he still had to save, and then he had to give Jeanne her two cans of food.
Everything at home was taken care of at home. Jeanne was fed, he saved his progress and he ate the rest of his pizza from the fridge (fuel for another save if he needed it).
Travis walked his way through the city streets to the UAA headquarters, thinking of all the different ways he was going to kill the bastard who set everything up when he got there.
Every violent thing ran through his head, from decapitation, to drawing and quartering, to cramming him piece by piece into a blender.
His bloodlust grew and grew with every step he took until the UAA HQ came into view.
Travis drew his Tsubaki, and wished he still had magic to draw more weapons at once. Oh well, he'd have to make do with the old fashioned killing method.
He approached the doors, murder deep in his mind and wanting to let loose every bit of pent up negative emotion. He was going to free his friends, and unleash hell with them on everyone they came across.
His steps became faster until he full on sprinted to the doors, as his desire to kill reached maximum capacity.
He cut the doors down and charged right through them to kill all of the random goons who were surely waiting for him.
But someone had beaten him to it.
Henry was already in the lobby, cutting down the remaining enemies there.
Only two were left when they were both cut down in a single attack.
Travis decided that he would have to save his bloodlust for later.
Henry turned to face his brother as he flung the last bit of blood off his sword.
"Hello, Travis," he greeted with a smile, "Thought I'd save ya a bit of trouble before the main event."
Travis looked around the room, taking in the utter carnage.
Corpses were everywhere, blood in just about every nook and cranny he could see, even in the two story fountain in the lobby. The place would have been pretty fucking posh if not for all the dead bodies.
"You did all this on your own," Travis asked. Not that he doubted Henry's abilities, but it was still amazing that he could take on this many people at once.
"Not on my own. They helped."
Travis looked over to where Henry was motioning and saw two women who he didn't notice in the room right away. One look, and he sighed when he recognized them.
"Surprised to see us again, dear," Peaches asked in that calm, sexy, condescending tone of her's. She was wearing the same blue dress as before, and her sister was likewise dressed in the same outfit she wore as a pony. "What am I saying: of course you're not. Glastits told us about your little arrangement. I must say, it's rather rude to change plans at the last minute. My poor sister cursed a blue streak," she said as she placed her hand on Cream's shoulder.
"I'm still not talking to you," Cream said as she jerked her shoulder away, which got a snort from Peaches.
"You say that as if you have any right!"
"Ladies," Henry interjected, "My brother still needs to confront your boss. So if you'd be so kind to escort him, may we continue."
Travis kind of got the feeling that Henry was getting tired of all this as well.
The Parfait sisters glared at each other, putting their argument on hold to carry out what they were supposed to do.
"Alright. But I get to lead," Cream said to her sister.
Peaches nodded grudgingly, and allowed her sister to lead the escort to the top floor.
The elevators had been cut to force Travis to climb the stairs before this new arrangement, where he was going to face wave after wave of increasingly stronger enemies, and then an assassin on every few floors or so.
Finally, the escort ended at a hallway with a pair of grand doors at the end. When they reached the doors, they were greeted by a small boy who was wearing a black hoodie with flames printed on it.
"Is that the mean owd hown pony," he asked, as he glared at Travis.
"Yep, that's him," Cream confirmed, "Where's Gina?"
"She's inside with hew new fwiend."
Travis didn't like the sound of that at all. What could that thing about new friends have meant? Travis asked no questions and kicked open the doors to find a room that looked much too large for the building it was in, or maybe it just took up an entire floor.
Inside, there was what was unmistakably a combat ring and two figures were inside viciously battling.
The ring was bordered by a barrier of some kind of solid light, much like what his beam katanas were made of, but somehow different.
Outside the ring were more people who were all anxiously watching the match inside.
When Travis entered, one of the people turned around to reveal herself to be a woman with pink hair, wearing leather pants.
"Travis!" She shouted as she rushed up to him and passionately kissed him.
Travis was taken aback by the sudden display of affection, not realizing at first who she was. Slowly but surely, he became aware of a familiar sensation that only came from kissing one particular person in his entire life.
"Pinkie?" He asked as she began kissing the rest of his face. He was then greeted by the rest of his friends, every single one of them: Spike, Shinobu, Twilight, Dash, Fluttershy, Rarity, and..."Where's Applejack?"
"Oh, Travis! It's horrible," Fluttershy said as she trembled more than usual.
"What's horrible?" Travis asked. He meant besides the fact that all of his friends were abducted by the UAA, and the assassins who originally tried to kill them so long ago were now alive and kicking for no apparent reason.
He then took a closer look at the figures in the ring and realized who they were: one was Applejack, and the other was the griffin he killed back in Equestria.
Applejack was viciously punching her target before she was kneed in the stomach and keeled over before she dodged a downward swing from her opponent's claymore.
Without any hesitation, Travis jumped at the barrier that separated them with the Peony drawn.
With a mighty swing, he struck the wall of light, only for his weapon to bounce off harmlessly. He swung again and again, but no results were gained.
"Me and Rainbow Dash already tried that," Shinobu said as she pulled Travis away from the barrier.
"What exactly is all of this?" Henry asked, reminding Travis that he was still there.
"It's a death match," Shinobu informed him, "The sick fuck who hired us is having us all fight each other until there's only one survivor. Then he's going to fight the champion himself."
Fluttershy fell to her knees, shaking like a leaf when she heard those objectives again.
Dash and Rarity moved to comfort her before she started crying again.
It was too much for Travis. He was going to end it by any means necessary, no matter how how bloody or unorthodox. He had an idea of where to start.
It was the longest longshot of them all, and Travis only ever saw what he was about to try in a movie once before. He approached the barrier of light and placed his palms on the wall, his index fingers touching. He then spread his hands apart, and it seemed that his idea had worked.
The point of contact created a ripple of disturbance in the wall, and as he spread his hands, he created a diamond-shaped opening until it was big enough for him to step through if his lowered his head.
His friends looked on in awe, wondering how the hell he got an idea like that as Travis stepped through the opening before it closed. His idea caught on, and Pinkie, Shinobu, Henry, Dash and Spike all made openings of their own.
Travis rushed into the fray, his Tsubaki drawn as Gina kicked Applejack away.
When he got close, he maneuvered a cut to Gina's mid-section, which left a glowing mark where he cut her.
Gina staggered back and saw Travis standing between her and Applejack.
His side was joined by Pinkie who tried to look as aggressive as possible.
The other combatants stayed behind with Applejack for a second wave of attack.
"Look who it is: second billing on the marquee," Gina said as she seemed to forget all about her excruciatingly painful cut, "How ya been, Touchdown?"
Looking her over, it could be seen that she now had a ragged scar on her neck, the same size as the cut Applejack gave her.
To Applejack, it served as a reminder of her inability to kill her before. During the fight, her desire to kill her opponent increased with every blow exchanged to the point where she nearly lost herself. Chances were that if their fight wasn't interrupted, she would have given in to her darker nature.
Travis was about to make a remark about how the opening act was over and that the main event was about to begin when he noticed somebody else on the opposite side of the ring out of the corner of his eye. Turning his head, he saw that there were actually two people there.
One of the was Glastits, but the one who had his attention in the first place was much more familiar to him. Somebody who he was wondering when she'd show up.
"Silvia mother-fucking Cristel," he thought to himself. Travis didn't think about it at the moment, but Gina wasn't attacking him at all. She was staying back and waiting for what was about to unfold.
"Oh, magnificent," Silvia said excitedly. With a clap of her hands, the barrier around the arena were lowered and she stepped forward to Travis, "A guest appearance by the No More Hero himself will bolster our rating and secure our slot on prime time for sure!"
Out of all the people that Travis was displeased with seeing that day, Silvia ranked near the top of the list. The only person he hated more than her at that moment was the guy who arranged all of this. Unless it was her who arranged it, then she would be dead in less than a second.
"Silvia," Travis said with no fondness for her to be heard in his voice, "What happened? I thought that after I killed Batt, you'd stop this UAA crap!"
Silvia giggled when she heard that, which wound Travis up to no end.
"Of course I did, Travis. But after I did, I was out of a job. I only started working in what I do best: arranging organized blood sports for the pleasure of the masses," she said sweetly, making it sound like it was the only logical thing for someone like her to do. "As soon as the UAA ended, many assassins beneath you were very upset that they no longer had a chance at being ranked first. But one man in particular made a very convincing case for me to start my own assassin agency. Perhaps you would like to be represented by me as well? Just like old times?"
Silvia tried to bring back more of those old times by reaching to caress Travis's hip and watch his dazed reaction. Her fingertips didn't even get close before her hand was kicked back to her side by Pinkie.
"Get your own, floozie!" Pinkie shouted as she protectively hugged Travis from behind.
Silvia was outraged, but was in too much control of herself to let it show.
"Are you saying that you left me for this pink-haired ditz?" She asked, earning a glare from Pinkie.
"Two things about that," Travis responded," You left me. And yes, I'm with her now. Because she respects me as a person. She knows she's sexy, and doesn't use it as a way to manipulate stupid, chickless, jackoffs to get her way. She's someone that I'm crazy about personality and all."
"Awwwwww, Travis," Pinkie said as she kissed his cheek.
Everyone else who was present all voiced their approval of Travis's decision to keep Pinkie over his apparently ex-girlfriend. Even the opposing assassins had to admit that he had a lot of class for doing something like that.
Travis hit Silvia hard with the speech he gave her, but she very quickly got over it. To her, there was always another plaything that was waiting to be picked up and teased. And is just so happened that one had arrived through the door with Travis.
"Very well. If not you, I know that I'll always have my precious Henry.
Before Henry could even respond to her, Rainbow Dash's hand quickly shot out and firmly held Henry's, surprising Henry, Silvia and herself.
An entire wave of nerves crashed down on Dash, but she wasn't going to let Henry slip away from her. She only felt so strongly when she was pursuing Travis, and now that she found it again, she wasn't about to lose it.
"I see," was all Silvia said before returning her attention to Travis, "Well now, I think that we need to move things along. Travis: I'm sure you're aware that you're the target of someone else's envy as the number one assassin. In fact, he was originally ranked 100th in the UAA before you killed--"
"So who the fuck is it?"
"So pushy," Silvia said, feigning hurt, "Very well. I shall now introduce you to my new rising star in the world of assassination. The one who has pursued you for the last few months to take your crown from you."
She motioned to the far end of the room, so far away that it was darkened.
Lights turned on, illuminating the rest of the room revealing the weirdly gigantic space of the whole area. Soon, the lights went up a very, very long flight of stairs.
The lights finally lit the top of the stairs revealing a chair that had its back turned to them all. Also visible was the single largest, most high-tech computer console that Travis had ever seen, like the kind that rocket scientists used.
Rather than just assume that he was set up by a chair, he waited for whoever was sitting in it to turn around.
Everyone in the room eagerly awaited the revelation of the identity of the master planner, wishing that whoever it was would stop taking their sweet time to turn around.
And then finally, some movement.
The chair slowly rotated to reveal its occupant, making everyone in the room grow more and more tense.
Travis gripped his weapon, nearly crushing the handle in his hand.
Finally, the chair turned completely, revealing its occupant and frankly, Travis, Pinkie, and everyone else in the room wished that he hadn't.
"Ugh! What the fuck is that thing," Travis yelled, nearly throwing up when he saw Silvia's golden boy, the one who organized the whole thing with the Equestrian assassins.
He was by and large the most disgusting example of a human being that Travis ever saw with those mutton chops, soul patch and handlebar mustache. His face was further disfigured by a pair of nauseatingly large gauges in his ears, at least an inch and a half in diameter.
On his face, he had on a pair of lens-less, thick framed glasses that only made him look uglier.
The rest of his clothes weren't any more pleasant to look at, with his gaudily striped zip-up hoodie that was over a shirt that had a hot dog in front of a galaxy printed on the front. Why a hot dog in space? Maybe he thought it was ironic. Even so, this shirt wasn't large enough to cover up his fat gut. This, along with his brown, argyle shorts and matching brown loafers made Travis wonder how far behind this guy was on the evolutionary ladder than the rest of the human race.
Around him was littered with wrappers from microwave food, and empty bottles of green tea and water. There were piles of garbage like that, which was evidence to the fact that he hadn't left his monitor in weeks. Around the console, were pictures that Travis never thought existed.
They were pictures of horses in bikinis, or horses having sex with each other. On each picture was a sticker of a heart or a star that was placed on the side of each horse's flank. Travis stopped looking as the pictures became more and more deviant.
"So mean, Travis," Silvia chastised him, "I thought you would be happy to see him. He is someone you know of quite well. In fact: he's written several episodes of your Bizarre Jelly show. He even wrote the one that I'm sure is your favorite: the one where Strawberry and Blueberry kiss."
Travis began to heave angrily as soon as he learned who he was to fight. He was the one who tried to assassinate him by murdering innocent civilians and involving other assassins who wanted nothing to do with him against their will, and now it turned out that this was the one who ruined Bizarre Jelly for him!?
"Get your fat ass down here," Travis barked at his final opponent.
"I'm afraid that is not how this match will work, Travis," Silvia said as the other assassins all stepped into the ring and the barriers put themselves back up. This time though, the barriers bordered the entire room end to end with only Silvia and the final assassin on the outside of it, "You see, he's not very good at direct encounters, so he prefers to stay out of his opponent's reach and attack using his computer monitor."
"You're saying that this fat fuck hides behind a barrier where he's safe and attacks on high where nobody can get him!?"
"That's buckin' cheap," Dash yelled outraged.
"That's the sign of an unsure fighter," Shinobu added.
"That's the way the fight goes. And since this is his match, he gets to make the rules," Silvia said, reminding Travis of the same rules that applied to the UAA. "And as per his conditions: all of you will be involved in this fight."
"What!?" Rarity shrieked at the idea of being forced into combat.
"Do you have caviar in your ears, Miss? I suppose I should elaborate: you will all be participating in a battle royale where there will be only one survivor. The one who live gets to fight with him personally."
When Silvia finished speaking, each one of the Equestrian assassin's brandished their weapons, eager to use them on their captor.
Twilight saw their latent fury and tried to quell it.
"Wait! Don't you realize that even if you kill us, you'll just have to kill each other," she tried to reason with them. She learned some things about them while they were keeping her and her friends captive, and tried to appeal to their better nature as friends. It seemed that she had failed as they each shook their heads.
"We know that," Gina answered, "That's a part of being an assassin. Kill or be killed. By your enemy," she turned to look at all of her associates, "Or by your friends."
"We aw know that dying comes natuwawy, and we'w not afwaid of it," Flutterbutt continued, "Being afwaid is what stops us fwom doing what we do."
"And besides: any one of us would love nothing more than to wring that fat neck," Peaches finished up, as her voice became that chilling tone she used when she threatened Spike.
Silvia was very pleased that there was so much hate in the room. It would be good to get their blood flowing (in more ways than one), "I forgot to mention one last thing: my client has reminded me that he would like to kill Twilight Sparkle personally, so if you value her life, I recommend paying particularly close attention to her."
In the instant that Twilight shrieked, Spike and Dash both rushed to Twilight's side as they saw the words FIGHT ON flying towards them.
Author's Note
There he is: the final assassin. The master planner. The big cheese himself. Let me know if any of you expected him to be the guy who wrote the episode of Bizarre Jelly where the girls kiss, because I know that most readers were expecting someone that Travis fought before.
Here's a fun fact. The final assassin is modeled after my own pseudo-hipster younger brother. I use say 'pseudo-hipster, because as soon as that stops being cool, he'll jump to whatever the other kids are doing next.
By the way: a hot dog in space isn't ironic, it's surreal.
Credits to the movie Titan AE for the idea of Travis entering the barrier. If you haven't seen it, I recommend it if you like sci-fi movies.
Get ready for a big ass battle royale in the next chapter. It may take a little while to write and get everything just right, (not that I really do a lot of heavy editing and scrutinizing with other chapters) so find something to gnaw in anticipation. Rock the fuck on, y'all \m/
