Note: The events of this chapter occur 4 days after Chapter 2.

Kobold was in his home, sitting in the chair, feet propped up crossed on the desk, a small glass of scotch on the rocks his right hand, and a leather-bound book titled "Bestiary: Deadly Creatures of Equestria" in his left. Twilight had given him the book yesterday in exchange for letting her catalog him. And a sample of urine. Why she needed the urine sample as well, Kobold had no idea, but he got an interesting read out of it. He took a sip of scotch from his glass, currently reading a particularly gripping chapter about chimeras. When he got onto the part about how they disembowel their prey, someone knocked on the door.

"Comin'." Kobold said. He opened the door to find a grey pegasus with blond hair, bubble Cutie mark, a saddle bag, and...crossed eyes? Kobold decided not to ask. "Need somethin'?"

"Mail." she said, grabbing a scroll with a red seal out of her bag.

"Thank you." Kobold took the letter and tossed the cross-eyed pegasus a bit out of his pocket. Fluttershy had told him about the currency system the day after the party fiasco, and he found a small bag inside his bag containing gold coins that appeared exactly like bits. "I'll be damned." He remembered saying. He closed the door and opened up the letter.

Dear Kobold. There have been mysterious happenings in a town known as Appleoosa. Ponies have been disappearing, leaving behind only small puddles of blood. Considering your expertise with the Glutton, and knowledge of creatures unknown to us, I request that you take the next train to Appleoosa with the Elements of Harmony to investigate. Tickets contained within this letter. Signed, Princess Celestia.

"Disappearing ponies, small puddles of blood, and a bad pun name for a town? What could possibly go wrong?"

Kobold packed away his book, gulped down the rest of his scotch, and left for the train station.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
Train Station
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

Kobold got to the train station before anyone else. He got bored and noticed a newsstand with the label "Ponyville Times." Kobold bought one, leaned up against a wall, and began to read it.

There was nothing overly interesting, mainly "Mayor Mare Elected For 5th Consecutive Term" and "Unknown Species Crash Lands", the later being deep within the paper. Damn, this perception filter really does work.

"Ah see your here early, Kobold." Applejack had arrived while Kobold was busy reading. "Yeah," said Kobold, "Came here soon as I got the letter. Wasn't doing anything interesting, just reading."

"Reading what?"

Kobold pulled out the book he was reading earlier. "Twilight gave it to me. Figured to myself 'Might as well give myself something to do.' Not exactly a lot to do around there. Plus, it's quite interesting. I've gotten to a chapter about chimeras and how they disembowel their prey."

"Mah little sister almost got eaten by one of those things."

"Damn, sorry."

"It's fahin, it's fahin, just don't bring it up again."

"Aight." Kobold got back to reading his paper. In a few minutes, the rest of the Elements gathered at the station.

Twilight said "Okay everypony. And Kobold."

"Yo."

"The train should be here in a few minutes. Kobold, do you have any ideas of what this thing is?"

"I have a few vauge pictures floating around my head. Something might come to me when we see the crime scene. And when we do find something. It would probably be a good idea to listen to everything I say."

"Agreed." They all said at once.

The train arrived a few moments later. This was an overnight ride, so the train had a sleeping quarters. Unfortunately, almost all of the beds were made to hold things half his size. Luckily, there was an extra large bunk near the back to the left, just large enough for him. He threw his bag in it, and lifted himself into the compartment. Hmm, not bad. Plush, yet firm. Kobold pulled out his book and started reading again, without any scotch, unfortunately.

Rainbow Dash had taken that compartment on the other side of him. "Dear Celestia, we're going to have another Twilight on our hooves."

Kobold gave Rainbow Dash the stink eye. Rainbow Dash, remembering what he did to the Glutton a few days ago, decided not to tease Kobold further.

Kobold went back to reading his book. Evidently, chimeras disembowel their victims by inserting their claws directly into the victims anus and creating a hole large enough to disembowel.

He felt something appear on his chest. He lowered his book to find Pinkie staring directly at him.

"Hi, Kobold."

A moment of silence...

"Get off of me."

"Okay."

Kobold, again, got back to his book. If he could juuuuuuuust read without distractions.

"How's that book, Kobold." Twilight took the compartment under Rainbow Dash's.

Well, at least its some intelligent conversation.

"Rather interesting, it is. I've gotten onto chimeras. Although I must ask, why did you ask for a ur-"

"Shhh, nopony needs to know about that."

Kobold was surprised, and frankly a tad scared. Its weird, giant ass man-spiders don't scare him, but an alicorn withholding information about urine does.

"Well, this is an overnight trip, so what to do to pass the time." Kobold said to himself.

"We could all talk." Suggested Fluttershy.

"About?"

"Anything, really. The past few days, maybe?"

"Nothing really worth noting. Got a book. Learned about the currency system. Got wicked sloshed first night here. Found out that the Glutton is not from another dimension through extensive tests. But aside from that, nothing really happened."

"Well, why don't you show everypony that song you were singing your first day here. That would pass the time."

"Aight. Feel like music anyway."

"Okay, everypony," Fluttershy announced, "Kobold is going to give us some in-ride entertainment."

Kobold pulled out his black tablet and said "One Republic: Counting Stars." He then threw the tablet into his carpartment, pulled out the guitar, and repeated his private performance from his first day.

When he was finished, the Elements began to applaud. "Wow, that was pretty good, and I don't normally go for that kind of music." Said Rainbow Dash.

"Do you have any other songs?" Twilight said

"Well, let's see." Kobold pulled out a notepad with virtually thousands of different song names. He found this two days ago when he shuffled through his bag. "Ah, this one sounds good." He grabbed the tablet and said "Living Tombstone: Discord Remix." Some form of synthesizer began to play.

I hope to god this song isn't copyrighted

I'm not a fan of puppeteers

But I've a nagging fear

Someone else is pulling all the strings

Something terrible is going down

Through the entire town

Wreaking anarchy and all it brings

I can't sit idly

No, I can't move at all

I curse the name

The one behind it aaaaaall

Discord, I'm howling at the moon

And sleeping in the middle of a summer afternoon.

Discord, what ever did we do

To make you take our world away?

Discord, are we your prey alone

Or are we just a stepping stone for taking back the throne.

Discord, we won't take it anymore

So take your tyranny awaaaay.

Kobold, at this point, got down on both knees, looked toward the ceiling, and mouthed 'Discoooord' in perfect sync with the song, throwing his arms into the air. The lyrics returned to normal.

I'm fine with changing status quo

But not in letting go

Now the world is being torn apart

A terrible catastrophe

Played by your symphony

Its a terrifying work of art.

I can't sit idly

No, I can't move at all

I curse the name

The one behind it aaaaaall

Discord, I'm howling at the moon

And sleeping in the middle of a summer afternoon.

Discord, what ever did we do

To make you take our world away?

Discord, are we your prey alone

Or are we just a stepping stone for taking back the throne.

Discord, we won't take it anymore

So take your tyranny awaaaay.

The 'Discooooord' portion of the song came back before switching back to normal lyrics after about a minute.

Discord, I'm howling at the moon

And sleeping in the middle of a summer afternoon.

Discord, what ever did we do

To make you take our world away?

Discord, are we your prey alone

Or are we just a stepping stone for taking back the throne.

Discord, we won't take it anymore

So take your tyranny awaaaay.

The song ended, and Kobold got another round of applause from his audience of six. "Well," said Fluttershy, "He's not that bad anymore. I've reformed him."

"Yes, yes," said Kobold, "I'm well aware. He came over to my place the first day I was here."

A moment of awkward, out of place silence

"So," Applejack said to break the silence, "Got anything else, pardner?"

"Depends. Any of you like bar tricks?"

"Yes." They all said simultaneously

"Aight, got something you might find entertaining." Kobold pulled out three sealed beakers, one empty, one half filled with a purple liquid, and the other filled with a red liquid. "In this beaker," Kobold raised the red liquid, "we have deadly, deadly hydrochloric acid. Get this in your eye and you'll be blinded. Just imagine what it'll do to your skin. And in this beaker," Kobold raised the purple liquid, "we have lye. Sink cleaner, also used in some soaps. Still deadly, and you most certainly wouldn't want to drink either of these things. Watch..." He took the covers off of all three beakers and slowly poured the two liquids into the empty one. Kobold took out a stick from his bag and mixed the two liquids, occasionally pouring one of the liquids into the mixture, until it was a nice forest green.

"As you can see, when these two liquids are mixed together, they create a mixture that differentiates from the originals." Kobold took the green mixture, looking at it carefully.

He took a quick sip.

"Tastes like salt water."

"I don't buy it," Exclaimed Twilight, "Those aren't really the chemicals, they're just water and food coloring."

"I knew there would be doubters. And because of that, I've left a little bit of each chemical in the beakers. You are free to test these at your leisure praise." Kobold gave the remaining liquid to Twilight, along with the mixture.

"Well," Said Rarity. "That was quite interesting."

"Yes it was," said Kobold. "And now, I have the sudden urge to look through my bag for entertaining objects." He began to shuffle through his bag until he found a red button, similar to the "I have no idea!" button, but with the words "My body is ready." in white plastic instead. Kobold pressed the button, and a mature, yet slightly high pitched voice came out of the button.

"My body is ready."

Everyone in the cabin began to laugh.

Kobold pressed the button again. This time, a slightly deep voice came out of the button.

"I dont know whats going on, so I'm just gunna let him kill me AAAAAAUUUUUUUGH, MY BODY IS REEAADYYYY."

Everyone laughed again, harder.

Kobold pressed the button again. It was the same voice, but much quieter.

"My booooooody is reeeeaaaaaady"

They didn't laugh as hard this time.

Hmm, if there are more than one of these kinds of buttons, maybe there's more of them in the bag. Kobold began to shuffle through his bag again, finding another button, this time with "SHUT UP, NURSE" on the front. He pressed it. It was the same voice as before.

"SHUT UP, NURSE. I KNOW WHAT'S BEST."

Another laugh.

This continued late into the night, pulling out many fantastic and funny things from his bag. How did I not see these before?

Eventually, Kobold became tired, and tried to sleep, but the other passengers were a 'bit' noisy. So he decided to create a train of thought about the disappearences

Okay, so these ponies disappeared, leaving behind only small puddles of blood. I have high doubts that they're still alive. But the question now is 'what killed them'. Dammit, I hate being an amnesiac. I might've had a clue of what we're going up against.

"Hey, Kobold." Rainbow Dash was looking at him with a curious look. "Whatcha thinking about?"

"Oh, nothing. Just trying to...remember a recipe for Freezepalm." Said Kobold, not wanting to talk about the disappearances.

"Freezepalm?" Questioned Twilight, who had been listening in on the conversation.

"Yes. Ever heard of Napalm before?"

"No..."

"Well, it's this gel that's highly flammable. Sticks to virtually any surface and wont stop burning until it's fuel runs out. Freezepalm is essentially the same AND the reverse of that, producing a cold flame instead."

"I see..." Said Twilight, a tad scared that Kobold would know that.

"I'm putting the equation for the recipe through my head. The problem is I need to lower the temperature of the gel to an exact amount. Too cold, and it doesn't burn. Too warm, and the flame doesn't hurt."

"Well," Chimed in Rainbow Dash, "Maybe you should make it twenty percent cooler." She chuckled at the joke.

Kobold took this seriously "That would neve-wait a second." Kobold put the equation together, this time making the all temperature related variables twenty percent lower then their current amount. "Uh-huh, that's right, carry the 3, eliminate all variables, simplify... I'll be damned. It works! If I got the equation right, and my hands on some liquid nitrogen, this should work!"

"Wait, really? I was saying that as a joke, I didn't mean to-"

"Rainbow Dash. You. Are. Dead." Twilight said angrily was Kobold was still celebrating his success.

"I say we celebrate." Kobold produced a champagne bottle and one champagne glass. He poured the champagne into the glass and offered it to Rainbow Dash.

"No thanks, I don't drink."

"Suit yourself." Kobold downed the glass

And then the entire bottle.

"Woah." Kobold felt the effects of the champagne almost instantly "This must be the 210 proof stuff. Excuse me while I air myself out." Kobold walked out the back door, very clearly drunk. They were the last car in the train, so it just led out to a small train-balcony of sorts.

Interjection: I'm sorry, but my knowledge of trains is very limited. If I've wrote something that makes me seem very stupid, I am very sorry.
Kobold pulled out a lawn chair from his bag and placed it down. He sat in it and put his feet, crossed, up on the railing. He looked out towards the terrain. His vision began to fade as the alcohol hit his brain, causing it to shut down.

Before he blacked out, he could have sworn he saw a white figure running along the tracks toward their destination.

/\/\/\/\/\
Morning
/\/\/\/\/\

"Come on, Kobold," Said a soft voice next to Kobold. "It's time to get up. We're almost there."

"Owwwwwww." Kobold woke up, completely hung over. "Ahhhhh, sweet mother of Jeff. Fluttershy, what happened last night?"

"You drunk an entire bottle of 210 proof champagne, came out here to get some air, and passed out."

"That would explain this headache. One moment please." Kobold pulled out a pill bottle from his bag, grabbed one pill, and swallowed it. After about a minute, his headache was gone. "Ah, much better. You said that we're almost there?"

"Yes, in just a few minutes."

"Well, better pack my things." Kobold went inside and picked up the champagne bottle and glass, stowing it away in his bag.

After a few minutes, the train arrived at the Appleoosa Station. Kobold got off the train and...

It's like he stepped into a pony-fied western film.

The entire town looked like a normal western town, but with a brighter color scheme.

"Applejack, don't you have a cousin here?" Asked Rarity.

"Braeburn? He's moved. Don't know were to, though."

"Alright, ponies, here's the plan." Kobold announced. "Go to the crime scene, look for evidence, and see what did this. Twilight, were is the crime scene?"

"Behind the saloon."

"Okay, lets get moving." It took Kobold about 3 minutes to find the saloon. The group walked behind it to find yellow crime scene tape everywhere, but not a pony in sight.

Aside from a single male earth pony.

His coat was a coffee brown and his mane was a darker brown. He wore a short trench coat, despite the heat, and a fancy looking fedora. His Cutie Mark was a loafer with a chewed piece of gum on it.

"Morning, sir" greeted Kobold. "I am Kobold Hosamen. Might I inquire what you are doing here?"

"Sorry, sir, the name's Gum Shoe. I'm a detective working this case. I received a letter saying that you were coming."

"Well, have you found anything that might help."

"Nothing new. Disappearances, small puddles of blood, and screaming is all I know."

"Screaming?"

"Oh, yes, witnesses reported screaming before the pony disappears. Something terrifying and un-Celestia-ly. And most definitely not made by any known creature."

"Screaming, small puddles of blood, and a bad detective name pun..." Incoherent images began to flash through Kobold brain. He couldn't make any of it out.

"Hey," Said Rainbow Dash, "What's that thing." She pointed off into the distance, to a white, humanoid figure. No one could make out the details of it, only that it was facing away from them. "I'm going to get closer." Said Kobold.

"I'm coming with." Gum Shoe said.

"Okay, but do exactly what I say."

"We'll see about that."

The two walked up the figure. They could now make out that this creature was malnourished. Its bones could be clearly seen through its skin. It was sitting on the ground, its bloody hands on its knees. Kobold grunted, gripping his head with one hand as the information of this creature flooded his mind.

SCP-096: The Shy Guy. Standing at 2.5 meters tall, it remains docile unless a being views its face. When this occurs, SCP-096 will enter a state of extreme emotional distress. This state will last for about 2 minutes, and then SCP-096 will enter an enraged stage. During this state, SCP-096 will pursue the being which viewed SCP-096's face, now designated SCP-096-1, and attempt to kill and (DATA EXPUNGED). To date, no known material has been shown to impede SCP-096's progress toward SCP-096-1.

Kobold's grunt had drawn the attention of SCP-096, making it turn it's head. The skin was shriveled slightly, its eyes were a pure black, and blood covered its mouth

Every. Single. Person. There. Saw. It.

SCP-096 entered it's emotional state, screaming and gripping its face with its blood covered, abnormally long hands.

"Shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit." Kobold swore repeatedly.

"What the hell is that thing!" Gum Shoe yelled.

Kobold had already began running. When he reached halfway back to town, he stopped and turned around.

And he really wished he hadn't.

SCP-096 had left its emotional state and went into its enraged state, charging at Gum Shoe with its arms outstretched. When it got to him, it dug its hands deep within Gum Shoe.

SCP-096 ripped Gum Shoe apart, all while he was screaming.

And when he was done, SCP-096 devoured every last bit of him, leaving behind only a small puddle of blood.

And then it charged at the Elements.

Kobold was right in the path of its charge. Beleiving that he could stop this thing, he braced for kickback, and put his hands up in front of him in a blocking manner. SCP-096 slammed right into his hands, holding it in place but sending Kobold back words while he was still on his feet and creating a cloud of dust.

The two entered a pushing contest, both equally strong enough to keep each other in place, but SCP-096 had an extraordinary amount of stamina. Kobold's arms and legs were beginning to shake from the strain. Sweat poured down his face.

He looked behind him to see the Elements, all of them having horrified looks on their faces. He remembered that these were the same ponies that had taken him in when he had crash landed. The same ponies who had let him live in their town.

The same ponies who didn't leave him to rot.

He couldn't just let them die.

Not without a fight.

He turned back toward SCP-096, its face mere inches from his. He looked toward the ground and whispered "I can't let you hurt them." He looked towards its face again, a look of steely determination upon his face. His tone raised in anger and volume.

"I won't let you hurt them." Steely determination turned into rage as Kobold stared into SCP-096's cold, dark, beady eyes. His rage built as adrenaline pumped through his bloodstream.

And then he yelled.

"YOU. SHALL NOT. PASS."

The adrenaline increased his strength to the point were Kobold was able to push back SCP-096, albeit slowly. Eventually, he was able to send it flying with an arm thrust so powerful it should have created a shockwave.

But that didn't stop it landed, it got back on its feet and ran back toward Kobold.

Kobold had forgottrn to set his perception filter to 'target'. SCP-096 jumped over Kobold in an attempted to mutilate the Elements.

"Oh no you dont." Kobold grabbed SCP-096 by the feet, pulled it back, and spun it around him, gaining momentum until Kobold let go, sending SCP-096 into the far distance

"So long, kay donkey"

SCP-096 got back up and charged Kobold again.

Kobold reached into his bag and pulled out his sword. He put his back on the ground and raised his sword horizontially above him. SCP-096 was impaled through its chest by the sword. The momentum of the impact flipped it around so the sword went into the ground with SCP-096 still impaled, and Kobold stood in front of it, both hands on the sword, driving it further down. SCP-096 was flailing about, and was able to slash Kobold's leg, cleaving off some flesh. White hot agony coursed through his leg.

"These are my best pants, dammit." Kobold moved to the side and grabbed SCP-096, pulling its body up until it was at the handle. Using the last bit of adrenaline, he pulled SCP-096 into two pieces in a bloody shower, throwing the pieces behind him. Kobold retrieved his sword from the ground.

Completely unaware that SCP-096 torso was still alive, and clawing its way up to Kobold. He heard this and, using his good leg, smashed SCP-096's head to peices.

"Looks like Fifty Shades of Gray. Matter." Kobold turned around to find a peice of paper, similar to the one the Glutton dropped.

He picked it up.

On it was written "CAN'T RUN" over a circle, a shade type of thing, and an X. Kobold flipped the paper over to find another crudely drawn word.

Blink.

The paper crumbled to ash, just like the first, and Kobold felt the surge of energy. His leg was fully healed, and better than ever.

Kobold turned around to find the Elements staring at him, jaws dropped.

Twilight was the first to recover. "You-you just maimed that thing. Without any mercy."

"I'm sorry you had to see that. Especially Gum Shoe getting pulled apart."

Fluttershy recovered next. "That thing, whatever it was, it was going to kill us all. If Kobold hadn't been here..."

"You'd be freak food."

Twilight spoke again. "You have saved our lives twice in the past four days. We cannot thank you enough."

"No thanks necessary. Just let me live in the town rent free." Kobold chuckled a little bit.

"But, I must ask," said Twilight, "What did you pick up?"

"Piece of paper. Crumbled to ash, though." Kobold pointed toward the small pile of ash that was once the paper.

"What was on it?"

"Nothing important." Avoided Kobold. He didn't exactly want to scare them with the fact that he might have the ability of 'blink', whatever that was.

Twilight narrowed her eyes, looking suspiciously at Kobold. "Alright." She said causiously.

"Well, were not gunna get anything done standing around here, are we. Let's get back to town"

Rarity spoke up "What about the blood? And the crime scene? And...Gum Shoe?"

"I'll tell the local authorities that the problem is solved, Gum Shoe is dead, and to get a clean up crew. Now, back to town."

Author's Note

Oh, man, I've been waiting FOREVER to get to this chapter. I've been psyched to get to fight scenes in this fanfic. And that gore. AMAZING. Oh, it just feels so good to do this. I love writing this, and I no-homo love my total of 2 fans. But sereiously, it be very nice if I could get a bit more publicity. So, I ask this of you...

Tell your kids

Tell your friends

Tell your wife

I'll fuck her

That's right, I'll fuck her. Cause at No Man's Land fan fiction, your fucked six ways Sunday.

Heh. I've been waiting awhile to parody big bill hell. In all seriousness, if you like this story, favorite/follow/reveiw this. I realize that I look like I'm begging, and I admit, I may be. But seeing a follow and a favorite the first day this was out really inspired me to write faster. So, if I get more publicity, then I'll try to pull out chapters faster and with better quality. And in re-reading this, I sound like an attention whore.

Until next time...

Fun Fact: The 'my body is ready' button and the 'SHUT UP, NURSE' button, minus the first line, was intended to be Markiplier's voice.