Note: If you are easily offended by anything pertaining to devils or Satan, then why the hell are you reading this?

"Welcome back to reality." Echoed a female voice.

"For the past month and a half, you have been playing a 'total immersion' AR video game by the name of 'No Man's Land'. It will take several minutes before your real memories return. Until then, please move to the recuperation lab."

A plastic mask raised off off Kobold. He was attached to a large machine with one seat, hooked up to some form of life support. Darting his head around, Kobold tried to understand were he was.

A stout man with red hair and a weaselly face walked into the room to check on Kobold. He spoke in an British accent. "Lost the game, didya?"

"Where am I?"

"Your in a AR computer simulation room. You've been here for a month and a half. What's the last thing ya did?"

"Last thing I remember doing is dying in the middle of a frozen wasteland after killing Zalgo."

"So, you got about half way through the first part, then?"

"Guess so."

"Hey, didja get Twilight?"

"Wait, what, EW, I'm not into that."

"But that's the objective of the game, init? Tryin' to win over Twilight's affections by defending Equestria. Ya twonk. How about Pinkie's origins, didja get that, at least."

"Why would I want anything to do with that crazy pink bitch."

"But that's the easiest thing to do in the game, init! You go to her parents' rock farm and ask why Pinkie is so different then her family. She adopted, by the way. No wonder you only got six percent. Well, better get moving. Next guy is suppose to be here any second now."

"Wait, my real memories haven't returned yet! Were do I go?"

"The re-cup-er-a-tion lab. Didn't ya here the intercom? Ya twonk. Down the hall, second room on your left."

When the man finished talking, another man, of a short, thin build walked into the room with a smile on his face. "Oi, your the next guy, right? Just sit in here. Alright, now, there's gunna be some disorientation when you go in, just a warning, alright? Good." The weaselly faced man lowered the plastic mask onto the next man. "What you standin' around here for? Get movin'."

Kobold left the room and walked halfway towards the recuperation lab. On his way there, he spotted some form of binoculars fixed to the wall. Looking through them, he saw someone evidently gotten the objective of the game and was getting busy with Twilight.

"Okay, now I need some bleach."

The recuperation lab consisted of a bench in the middle of the room, and various bags with tags on them. Most of the tags had pictures, but a few did not. Kobold flipped through the bags until he found one with his picture on it.

The name read 'Jake Bullet'.

"Well, got a badass name. But is this really...real? Is this a dream, or something?"

"Not quite, Kobold." The Narrator had materialized his door next to Kobold.

"AH." Kobold jumped. "You really shouldn't do that."

"Do you want to know where you are or not?"

"Fine, where I am."

The Narrator, for the first time, left his door and took a seat next to Kobold. "Your soul is in Limbo until they can decide what to do with it."

"They?"

"The big man upstairs and the red man downstairs. Right now, there having an argument. The red man downstairs can either keep his deal or renege on it. And he's trying his best to keep it."

"What deal?"

"You'll find out soon enough." The floor beneath Kobold began to crack. "If he keeps his deal, good job. If he doesn't...well, good luck."

"Wait, don't you have control over what happens? You're The Narrator, for fuck's sake!"

"Not here. I no longer have jurisdiction." A hole opened up underneath Kobold's feet. "See ya."

"AAAAHHHHHH." The world around Kobold quickly began to fall and fade. As he fell through this hole, he began to wonder what awaited him at the bottom.

A hellish landscape.

A heavenly place.

A bed surrounded by extremely attractive, scantily clad woman.

"Okay, that last one's wishful thinking."

The walls around him took a reddish tint as the air began to heat up. Below him, Kobold could see red rock and flames. The closer he got to what was assumed to be the ground, the slower Kobold fell. When he finally reached the bottom, he took a look at his surroundings.

"What have I gotten myself into?"

Around him was a hellish landscape, complete with fire, red brimstone, and screaming.

"So, this is what Hell looks like?" Kobold spotted an nude, anatomically incorrect man with rough, red skin, horns, and a pointed tail. The man looked toward Kobold with a smile of glee.

"Good news, Kobold. I was able to convince the big man upstairs to let you off again. Be more careful, though. I'm not sure how much longer I can argue with him."

"Who the hell are you?"

"Hell is correct, my friend. But how could you forget me? You old pal, Satan?"

"Wait a second, I'm friends with the devil?"

"Damn, He must've made you got through without it being finished."

"Without what being finished?" Streams of light were beginning to emit from above Kobold.

"Whoops, we've been talking for too long. You gotta get moving before he changes his mind. Now, don't go dying again. I can't keep you alive forever. JUst remember to keep your head and/or heart safe. I can't bring you back if both aren't intact."

"What the heEEEEELLLLL." Kobold was lifted off the ground as a strong updraft brought him upwards, toward a circle of light. The light approached rapidly until he passed through it.

Then, darkness.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
Back at the Wastelands
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

Kobold's lifeless body, now blue from the cold, was strewn amongst the snow. Lightning struck the body, and life came pouring back into him. The blueness faded, and his eyes snapped open. He looked down at his chest to see that the hole was still there. But as he was looking, black tentacles, not unlike his own, filled in the void and faded into his natural skin color.

"Narrator?" The wooden door materialized and The Narrator stepped out.

"What is it, Kobold?"

"Did you really have to bring me back?"

"Why are you complaining?"

"Because it seems rather...Mary Sue-esque."

"I wanted there to be some suspense. Plus, you heard Satan. He doesn't know how many more lives you have left until the big man upstairs decides the deal is void."

"So, basically, try not to die again?"

"Yeah. This may be your last time."

"Okay, okay, I get it."

"Now, that paper should be around here somewhere. Go find it." And with that, The Narrator was gone, leaving Kobold alone in the frozen wasteland.

After about five minutes of searching, Kobold came across the water logged paper. "I couldn't have been gone THAT long. Then again, snow everywhere."

He picked up the paper. It was drawn in the same crude form as the others. This one depicted a tall man in a suit, with the words 'no' hastily drawn all around him. On the back were the obligatory words.

Bullet Immunity.

The paper did its normal disintegration shtick, but Kobold didn't feel the surge of energy, most likely because he sustained to current injuries

"How does that make any sense? There's no bullets in this world! Oh well, better make my way back home." Out of Kobold's bag came a large walking stick with an eagle's head carved into the top. He spotted the train rails leading out of the Empire and followed them.

And thus, his long journey began.

It took Kobold about a week to walk on foot back to Ponyville. "I have never loved the train system more. But with the only connecting train to town 'out of commission', then I have to leg it back. Damn cold."

On his way, he saw many strange things. Flying horses made out of wind, weird bug creatures that shape-shift, and a really, really oddly placed rock. It looked like it may have belonged somewhere, or maybe someone had possession of it once.

I might make a spin-off fic of this in the future. Emphasis on the might

But, after much hardship and travel, Kobold arrived at the Ponyville train station.

When he saw this, he dropped his walking stick and bag, ran up to the building, embraced it, and began to kiss the wall.

"I have never been so happy to see civilization. MWAH. MWAH. MWAH."

It took Kobold a moment to notice that no one was around. "Strange, usually, this place is bustling with activity, and now, no one's here. Hmm, must be something going on." Walking a ways inside the town, he spotted where everyone could have gone to. The town hall appeared to be having an event inside. It was strangely quite, with one person talking.

"We are gathered here today to mourn the loss of a great pony."

Kobold strolled inside and looked around. Evidently, it was a funeral. The place was arranged like a church, wooden pews, giant cross up front, the whole deal. No one had noticed him yet, so he decided to announce his presence.

"Hey, guys, what's happenin'"

Every head turned towards him, each with varying levels of disbelief. In the audience, Kobold could spot The Elements, Cold Fusion, and Luna. Kobold spotted a yellow cake on a nearby buffet table, walked over to it, grabbed a plate, took a slice, and ate it.

"Mmm, lemony." He waltzed over to were Cold Fusion was seated, sat down, and took out a bottle of Jack Daniels. "So, what's goin' on? Who died?" Kobold asked as he took a swig from his whiskey.

"You."

Kobold spit out the alcohol in his mouth in the traditional spit-take fashion, dousing the person in front of him with medium quality booze.

"What?"

"This funeral is, er, was for you."

"You think I die that easily? How long was I gone?"

"Two weeks."

"WHAT? I swear I couldn't have been gone that long. I traveled for one week, not two!"

"Well, you're here now. That's all that matters."

"Yeah, guess so." Kobold stood up from his spot. "The funeral's off, people. Go back to your normal, everyday schedule."

And with that, everyone got up and left, excluding Cold, The Elements, and Luna.

"Okay, question. Why didn't anyone come and try to retrieve my body?"

"Celestia." They all responded simultaneously.

"Why am I not surprised?"

"Well," started Luna. "Celestia has an extreme dislike for y-"

"Luna, I was being sarcastic."

"Oh..."

"AAAANYway, I'm back now. Let get out of here and return to our normal lives." Kobold said as he slowly inched his way toward the cake.

Come on, perception filter, don't fail me now.

"OH OH OH, let's have a party to celebrate you coming back to life."

Dammit.

"Two things, Pinkie. One, how did you know I died, and two, no."

"Just a hunch."

"Wait, you DIED!" Everyone minus Pinkie shouted.

"Uhhh, yeah, I did because OH SLENDER, WHAT THE HELL IS THAT." Kobold pointed at the other side of the room. While they were distracted, he blinked over to the cake, grabbed it, and blinked out the door.

"Hehehehe, suckers."

Author's Note

AAAAAAAND cut. I told you It would be shorter.

I wonder if anyone got the joke about some HiE's at the beginning. And the Red Dwarf reference.

But yeah, first and probably the only 2 part chapter I'll make here.

Unless I feel the need to do it again.

Anyway, I need to talk buisness. Which would you rather see Kobold fight, zombies or robots? Review/Comment your side.

Also, would you like to see more of The Narrator in this fic? Or will this be the last of him?

Review your thoughts, favorite if you like, follow if you want moar.