Starting Up

Sunlight. Streaming through the window and hitting me square in the face. With a massive back ache from a shitty sofa to top this margherita of misery, which lasted for all of a couple of seconds until my sense of smell caught up with the rest of my body and gave me the smell of fried grass and buttery toast. One of these things were not like the other. At the same time I could begin to hear that sizzling. Dragging myself up, I looked around to find the source of this, locating it to be coming around a corner. With a push, I bought myself over to that corner to turn it and be faced with a kitchen…

Inside a tree, A big, old tree made of a flammable material , the only upside of it burning down is that the food would be smoked, but more probably burnt to a crunchy crisp. I don’t know, maybe these ponies found a way to make entire structures fireproof, if they can build cities on the sides of mountains then they must of faced quite a few architectural problems which could only be solved by magic.

Moving along, the kitchen was pretty much what you’d expect, a few cupboards lining the wall, a table in the centre and a oven. The dragon was currently at that oven preparing what seemed to be four pieces of toast, all of which had grass on top and bizarrely a few red gems, rubies at a quick guess. Does that mean that dragons eat gems here, or did Sparkle have much harder teeth than I had first imagined.

That question was answered for me when Twilight strolled in, levitating two onto a plate nearby, so unless they were expecting me to have teeth the like of a drill then the only logical assumption is that they’re for the dragon, note to self don’t let him bite me. I reached over and took the other two slices for myself, taking the grass off mine. Something that Twilight seemed to notice, not that she said anything about it.

Eating I inquired about her eating habits, very politely I assure you, just a simple “Are a herbivore, yes or no?” I really don’t see how she could take offence to that, but offence she took by being too smart than is reasonable for a purple pastel pony and using what little glimpse of my teeth she had, combined with my taking off the grass and the question i just asked, she came to the conclusion that I was a omnivore, not a carnivore since I was eating the toast.

After a small squabble, during which I may or may not have thrown my plate at her, we both agreed that maybe a tour of the town was a good idea, for me it meant a chance to find a new place to live and for her a good way to get rid of me. A win-win situation. So while she went to get pieces of plate out her mane, I took the time to read one of the newspapers that were lying around. Skipping straight to the employment section, I soon managed to find that there were no jobs where I would not be severely outclassed by those who could fly, do magic or were reasonably strong.

I was just breathing a sigh of relief when Sparkle came back down. Whisking me out the door, while jabbering on about me meeting her friends, first to one who would get me to give up eating meat, another who would beat me up if I went berzerk, a third one who could chase me out of town in a flash, one who would make me friendlier or else and a final one I would have to apologise to.

To spare you the extremely boring details of being dragged around, sometimes literally, for a whole day, the first one was a yellow pegasus with a pink mane, she was shy, liked animals and made absolutely no progress whatsoever towards making me a vegetarian. Then again, I doubt that she could have done that when she only uttered one word to me and I think that was “sorry”, I’m not quite sure due to how quietly she said it.

The next was a burly country mare, orange coat, blonde hair and brown stetson. She didn’t look that tough until I saw her buck a tree and break it in half, only when we were leaving was I informed that the tree was not going to last long with the amount of wood it had around the trunk and was not destroyed just for the fun of it. I made sure to note, never go to Sweet Apple Acres, most of the residents seem absolutely crazy and there was one old mare who was completely senile.

The third one we couldn’t find, all I know about her is what I was told and that is that she’s a very fast pegasus who could cause a rainboom, probably just broke the sound barrier, somehow, and none of these ponies have seen anything like that before.

The fourth one I’d met before and I had no wish to meet again, as soon as I heard the words pink mare and lives in a bakery, I picked Sparkle up and went the other way. I have no wish to meet a mare who talks like a machine gun and if that bakery is the ridiculous structure of gingerbread that I saw yesterday then screw it, I’m leaving.

The fifth Sparkle levitated me to. It was that imbecile named Rarity and seeing, hearing and smelling her in the flesh only confirmed all my prejudices against her, she had a marble white coat with purple, overly styled air, with a severe air of poshness about her that was alienating. Her perfume was too strong and her voice sounded like an impression of what posh people sound like.

When I went into that heathen building I was nearly forced to model for her and while I would like to tell you what happened when we were leaving I can’t. Mainly because you’re a figment of my imagination I’m speaking to while unconscious because that bitch from a roll of fabric in my face while we were arguing about me modelling for her. Not the soft fabric bit either, but the hard metal rod that it was rolled around hitting me square in the head. I fell straight to the floor while Sparkle looked on with a bored expression.