Author's Note

Next chapter is up and also just know this..... we have not a damn clue what we are doing, we're just doing this because we can and it's fun :D

Where is my damn cheese?!

Spread of Corruption, A Flashback and a Escape!

Absalom POV

Ah, sweet freedom. And me without my axe. Damn those ponies. I miss that thing. I’m doing fine without it though, for now.

I still don’t understand how these ponies can be called guards. They fall so easily. I thought that their entire purpose was to protect the people, or ponies I guess. Yet here I am, knocking down tens of hundreds with just my hands. Pathetic.

“Swing!” I heard Sheogorath yell as he swung at a guard’s head, releasing a loud rang as the guard hit the wall hard. He just laughed as he skipped, literally skipped down the hall.

“I’ll never get used to your weird-ass tactics.” I said. “Seriously, how were you able to survive those years before we got trapped in stone? Wait, how did you even survive to get trapped in stone?”

Sheogorath just grins “Hello? I’m a prince of madness! How do I do anything? You never question what I do!” he yelled as he laughed maniacally. He just grinned at me as he looked over “Also I can make large piles of wine, cheese, and even brain pies!”

“.... You are so…. odd.” I said. “No wonder we’re friends…. Oh, here’s something! You’re the ‘Prince of Madness’. Don’t you have a way to freaking find my weapon? Oh, and about that!”

He just shook his head “Sorry Absalom, my buddy of endless corruption, but I just woke up. All I can do is use my Wabbajack….. and that’s all, I can’t even teleport to my home and bring back some Argonian stew! Do you know how long I want to eat my damn stew while watching ponies do the riverdance?” he asked me. I knew he lost his mind a long time ago when he used his powers both when fighting and just…. well just living up to the title. Probably my fault as well, but oh well we got other problems.

“Speaking of that.” I said. “How the hell did you manage to hang onto the Wabbajack? Isn’t that thing considered a weapon? I mean, they took away my axe!”

Sheogorath just taps my head with it as it did nothing to me, a little trick I learned after the last time he did that “It’s just a stick to them! They think I hold all the power. Plus have you ever seen me just smack someone with this? No! I always used it to turn others!.... like that bunny who turned into a troll.” he said as he got that demented smile again…. that smile. That same smile when he used his power to cause the riots all over the Griffin Kingdom. That smile that caused ‘The Day of Cheese’.

“Stop smiling.” I said. “Just…. stop. Before you ask why, like you always do….. YOU KNOW WHY! Let’s just find the frickin armory or the vault or wherever they’re holding my weapon!”

Sheogorath just kept smiling as he picked up a random guard. He put down the Wabbajack as he knocked the helmet off the brown stallion and started to slap him…. with his own hoof “Where is the armory or vault?!” he yelled and kept asking. I just watched as he didn’t let the stallion answer, just made him keep slapping himself.

“This is going to get us nowhere,” I said. “Let me.” I grabbed the stallion from Sheogorath and stretched some of my corruption onto him. I looked him in the eye and watched as his started glowing a sickly yellow before setting him down. “Now. Please show us to where my weapon is located.” The stallion just turned around and started walking away from us. As we walked down the hallway, I could hear Sheogorath rambling on about plans he had… well barely since I tuned him out after I heard something about chickens and hot sauce.

The stallion that was under my control stopped in front of a large double door. It was gold and black, the same colors of the two princesses colors with a sun and moon on it. As the stallion pushes the doors open, Sheo pats Absalom’s back as they can catch a glimpse of the sisters “I’ll handle this” he said with a odd… seriousness…. If I wasn’t scared about his insanity before…. I’m still not. I’ve seen this guy do some crazy shit, but that’s a story for another time.

As I saw the doors closed, I simply waited outside, behind a pillar. I used one of my tendrils to keep an eye on him. As I saw him kick open the doors, he shouted out three words that made me facepalm so hard “I’m back bitches!” as he strolled in and tapped the stallion, who just fell over like a mannequin. Sheo poked him a few times and just walked forward as he stopped “Celestia!” he yelled with a bit of anger in his voice “I have come for what I was promised!”

“What are you talking about?” Celestia asked.

“My cheese woman! You promised me cheese, but all I got was a rainbow to the face!” Sheogorath yelled as he walked right past the mane six as he stopped. He turned around and crouched before a pink pony “You……”

“You!” said the pink pony.

“You….” Sheogorath said as he suddenly picked her up. He held her close as he gave a deep inhale and called out “You smell like cotton candy!” he yelled as his head…. vanished into her mane. I just watched as he pulled his head out and shook it “Wow…. it’s like a pocket dimension in there! But now is not the time to play, I want my cheese Celestia!” he said as he turned to face Celestia, but now with the pink pony on his head like a hat…. a weird, pink, fluffy, hat.

Why the hell is he so weird? AND WHY IS THAT PONY LETTING HIM DO THAT?!?!?

The purple pony, who reminded me of someone, started flipping her shit at Sheogorath.

“Who are you?” she said. “Why are you assaulting the Princess?”

“Yeah!” said a blue one with a rainbow mane. Is it just me, or does she make me think of the gay pride flag?

Sheogorath spun on his heels as he looks at her “Assaulting? I’m not trying to bash her skull in and steal her brain to make a brain pie am I? I’m not trying to smack her with my Wabbajack am I? I’m not trying to flick her am I? I’m just asking for the cheese I was promised! Instead all I got was a rainbow to the face and let me tell you purple one it did not taste like Skittles! It tasted like vinegar with grape wine!” he yelled as he turned back to Celestia “My cheese now!” he demanded as he glared at Celestia.

Honestly it was like he was TRYING to get himself killed.

“Princess?” the purple one asked. “What is he talking about? And where did he come from? I’ve never read about him!”

….. Scratch that, Sheogorath wasn’t asking to die, that purple pony was.

As Sheogorath turned around, he asked quietly “Who am I?..... Who am I?” he asked as he had that twitch in his eye….. here we go “I am Sheogorath! King of the Shivering Isles! Daedric Prince of Madness!” he said as he slammed the Wabbajack into the ground as the walls shook from the power. He turned around “I am growing so bored here waiting, I may just gut one of your ponies just to use his entrails as skiprope if you don’t hurry up with my cheese!” he threatened as the pink one jumped off to join her friends “Except for these six, you, your sister, and the guards in this room….. they all live” he added.

…. What is wrong with him?....

No, seriously. I’m tired of this. I walked into view and shouted at him, “Stop asking for cheese! It’s obvious that she lied! And why and how did you taste that rainbow?” Damn it, now I want skittles…. Maybe that rainbow pony has some…..

Sheogorath groaned as he looked at me “Daedric damn it Absalom I was just about to get down to negotiations you bumbling fool! Either way, just give me my cheese and his axe and I won’t use my Wabbajack on you” he said pointing it at Celestia. He backpedaled as he stopped before the white mare as he did a gentlman’s bow and spoke Prench as he kissed her hoof. He stopped next to me “When I say ‘Watermelon’ make a b-line for the axe” he whispered to me.

….. WHAT THE HELL?! When did he ever get this serious? I was about to ask as I saw a blinding light glowing at us as upon seeing it, I can see Celestia and Luna get ready to attack. Sheogorath yelled out “Watermelon!” as he spun with the staff and shot a weird bolt at Celestia. The blast connects and started to wrap around her as a bright light filled the room. After it faded, there upon the throne was….. a large, ten foot tall cockroach with ethereal hair and tail like Celestia’s….. Again, the hell.

Well, I still made a b-line… Although, it wasn’t for my axe…. Sadly, Sheogorath forgot that we didn’t know where it was….. Wait a sec…

As I reached the foot of the throne, I noticed something. “There’s a hole in this wall!” I said, looking at the wall. “No, wait. It’s a slot!” I fit a tendril into the slot…. And damn it all….

“It seems like it was meant for Celestia’s horn.” I said. “You, my friend, are an idiot.”

Meanwhile, the ponies that were in the room just stared at their princess-turned-cockroach like they had just seen some Chris Angel shit. Sheogorath just groans as he stopped “Wait…. grab her sister! Her horn may fit!” he yelled as he got bucked in the face by the pride pony. He went flying into a wall as he just…. laughed “You call that a kick? I’ve been kicked in the head by things tougher then you!” he yelled as it was true. From what I recall, he did get a headkick from a minotaur…. damn Daedric powers.

“We won’t let you get anywhere near Princess Luna!” shouted the white pony as she shot some kind of beam at him.

Sheogorath just took the shot as he laughed more “Your blasts are nothing compared to the Princesses! Blast me all you want, I’ll soon get close enough to gouge out your eyeballs and make you feast on your own legs!” he yelled as he looked at me “Go find her, I’ll deal with these six!” he yelled as he started to shoot out blasts from the Wabbajack as it seemed to make small explosions, but also…. for some reason turned the orange pony into a fucking dragon!

“Before you get us both killed, I have another plan,” I said. I punched a hole in the wall, only to find out it was a door before shoving the two sides open. Within the room was my weapon, my axe, bound in black chains with hilt aimed at me, as if calling for me to grasp it once more. All I could hear was Sheogorath doing ‘whooping’ sounds as he ran around the ponies…. how the hell did I get stuck with him again? There was also a random as hell bluish-purple box. Eh, must not mean anything.

I grabbed my axe, breaking the chains in the process, and took the box just to be safe. I turned to Sheogorath and said, “I’ve got my axe! Let’s move!”

Sheogorath’s spell runs out as Celestia and the orange one revert. Sheogorath grins as he seems happy “Yes, soon we will be done with this boring, boring, BORING ORDER!” he yelled. I knew he hated order, but I could also tell he wanted to do ‘THAT’ again, just by the crazed look in his eye.

“Listen, the sooner we get out of here, the faster you can do the second coming of the ‘Day of Cheese’!” I said. “Now grab on.” I offered out my hand to Sheogorath.

Sheogorath held on as he looked at them all “I recommend getting a lot of crackers, bread…. and apples!” he yelled as I could see Celestia start to charge, as if trying to gore me with her horn.

As Sheogorath took my hand, I lifted my axe and slammed it against the ground before several tendrils of corruption surrounded us and dragged us into nothingness.

As the corruption ends, we found ourselves in a cave full of crystals. Sheogorath laughs as he looked completely mad…. but soon calmed down “That was fun…. I wish Haskill was here, he would of liked that blue pony” he said. Haskill was just some random pony he captured and ‘convinced’ to be his servant.

“I personally wish Sombra was here.” I said. “Stupid princesses. They couldn’t have just let him control that empire.”

“I know! He was the one who got me Haskill in the first place…… I wonder if his empire is still there?” he said as he tapped his Wabbajack against his chin. He shrugs “Bah! Nevermind! For now we need a way out of here, a place to call home, and finally…. a way to get revenge….. I still want my cheese!” he yelled in anger.

“You will get your cheese, my friend.” I said. “For now, I’m wondering why they built their castle above the old crystal caverns. Did they not remember I hid the seed of corruption here in the first place? I suggest we find that, then get out.”

Sheogorath just nodded as he followed after me. While he maybe a psychopathic Daedric prince….. well he at least knew when to keep himself calm, or basically when to restrict his ‘Dementia’ as he called it in control…. about one percent of the time anyway.

…. I swear, if he somehow reverts to that ‘Daedric prince of order’ again, I’m going to flip my shit. Last time that happened it took me a couple years before I found out how to revert him…. Who knew his whole spouting about cheese actually was good for something?

A few hours into the search, he did the one thing I hated the most “Are we there yet?” he asked for the…. hundredth time. And for the hundredth time, I responded “No.” Man this search was taking a long time.

We eventually found the black stone that was the ‘Seed of Corruption’ floating above a small pool of corruption. Just how I left it.

Sheogorath looks at it “Looks… smaller than before”. He was right, it was. But still, it was all I had to try to restore my power.

I grabbed it and touched it to my axe, which spouted a couple small tendrils and pulled the stone into it. “Let’s just go. I’d rather not have all this order transform you into -”

“Never speak his name or I will eat out your soul and heart!” Sheogorath yelled angrily at me. I knew he hated that part of him, since it always wanted to help the ponies, hell even went so far as to injure himself to make Sheogorath easier to handle… damn Prince of Order.

1000 years ago

??? POV

The old castle in the Everfree had never been this calm since the two humans had entered this universe. The normally chaotic setting had been calm for a few days now. Not even the animals came near the palace. It was like as if something had been forcing order on the place. And Absalom hated it.

“Why won’t you just do something?!” he screamed at a suit of armor. “You’re normally crazy! Running around shouting about cheese is a normal for you! The worst part of all of this is that you’ve been standing in the same place for three frickin days! DO SOMETHING DAMN YOU!” With the last sentence, Absalom punched the suit of armor.

From behind, a hand pats his shoulder “Absalom I’m right here…. that’s a empty suit of armor”. When the two had arrived, they had landed in a very old castle that looked decadent, but also still…. calm. Ever since they had arrived, it would seem Absalom had mistaken just about every object for the mad man, even a feather duster. Then again, he wasn’t in a right mind either just spouting nonsense of cheese, wine, brain pies, even something about harlots and death threats.

“You know,” Absalom started. “You could have told me that when I started shouting at it the first day.”

“I know, but it was just so good to see you losing your own mind” Sheogorath stated with a laugh. He shakes his head “Sorry just… feeling weird Jack”. He had said Absalom’s real name and it was true. After going through…. whatever it was, the two humans had started to act… well like the character’s they dressed up as.

“I thought I told you to start calling me Absalom,” he said. “My life as Jack is over! I don’t care what happened to us, but I’m stronger now, more powerful. I’m better than I was before.”

“Not to mention stark raving mad. You blew up a squirrel’s home with a something out of a damn Hentai film! Also we are in a castle in only Oblivion knows where, oh lord now I’m talking like him. Point is! We need to get out of here….. wherever ‘here’ is” Sheogorath/Shaun said. He was wrong though, but I could tell from looking at him his ‘Mania’ side was strong, but his ‘Dementia’ was getting even stronger, minute by minute.

“Ya know, sometimes I don’t know what I enjoy about you more,” Absalom said. “Your Mania or your Dementia. I can have an actual conversation with your Mania, but your Dementia doesn’t lecture me for doing things that might be fun.”

“Fun for you… not to mention if we don’t know where we are, then how are we suppose to do anything at all? It’s like running around like a chicken with it’s head cut off, spilling blood everywhere!” Sheogorath said with a, rare moment, of both Dementia and Mania in control as he laughs “But seriously I am starving for some food”

“Hey, at least you can eat!” Absalom screamed. “You saw what happened last time! The worst part was that I wasn’t even hungry. In fact, I NEVER AM!”

“Well good side, you don’t have to worry about starving…. although” he stopped as he poked the fleshy body of Absalom with the Wabbajack “How are you going to wash all the gunk out of you?”. He pulled the Wabbajack back as he flicked off some of the… black slime that was on it.

“That ain’t gunk!” he yelled at Sheogorath. “It’s corruption, or as far as I can tell. I’m kind of made of it. It’s also kind of what I used to kill that squirrel.”

Sheogorath just shook his head “Whatever helps you sleep…. oh wait” he laughed as he looks at him “Okay, enough screwing around! Let’s get some fresh air! Haskill, open a path to wherever there is open space!” he ordered….. nothing happened “Oh right, I don’t have Haskill here… I need a servant”

“Good for you,” Absalom said. “Listen, the sooner we find out where we are, the better. AND CAN YOU STOP TURNING EVERYTHING INTO CHEESE?! I can’t believe we’ve been able to survive out here as long as we have because of your insanity! How about you just SHUT UP!” Absalom accented the last part of his sentence by punching Sheogorath in the face with his giant fist made up of corruption. As the fist connected, Sheogorath got sent flying out through the roof as he became a twinkle in the sky. With his corruption, Absalom exited the castle to find himself in some weird forest with dead trees and hardly any life around save some thorny bushes or dark grass. The path to the forest was marked by a simple rope bridge, but on the other side he could see yellow eyes leer at him, as if waiting to strike.

“Oh great,” Absalom said. “And right after I got rid of Sheo, he would have loved to see little Woody again. How’s it going you murderous little freak of nature?” The monster roars as it covers Absalom in green slobber from a large lick. Literally the first thing Sheogorath did was abuse his power and make a large, ten foot tall Timber wolf with six yellow eyes. “Hey, Woody. Can you help me find the insane kid? I kind of got mad and punched him too far.” The wolf barks and after letting him gets on starts to trudge through the forest.

About forty minutes later, they stop at the edge where Absalom could see the spec falling…. and falling…. falling even faster before colliding through a large, white castle that was on the side of a mountain followed by seeing a group of ponies working a field….. wait…. ponies?

“GOD DAMN IT!!!” Absalom screamed.

Meanwhile, with Sheogorath:

He had just crashed through the wall of the castle, kicked a noble in the head and crashed into a large wall… all before falling off and racking himself on a hanging pole, slowly turning over and hitting the marble floor hard enough to leave an impression. As he got up, his Wabbajack fell and hit him in the head as he mutters something before standing and looking around wide eyed at the familiar scene. The marble tiles, the stain glass windows, the gold and silver thrones, the ponies…. all the ponies as he yelled out “I’M IN EQUESTRIA!!!!” as he hoots and hollers in joy, completely forgetting the Princesses on the throne, whose jaws were hanging low from what… this thing is.

“Sister?” Celestia said.

“Yes, sister?” Luna said.

“What in Tartarus is that?” asked Celestia.

“I have no idea, sister.” said Luna.

The man soon stops as he clears his throat “Sorry to of done that just…. giddy” he said. He walks forward as he looked around again “Also awkward introduction” he said again referring to the… damages. He does a small bow “A pleasure to meet you both. I am Sheogorath! Lord of the Shivering Isles and Daedric Prince of Madness! I did not choose the Prince title, my brothers and sisters did…. ah well, nevermind that now, but I do have a request!” he said with a smile, a calm smile.

“What is it you request of us?” Luna asked the creature.

“May I give you a hug?” he asked pointing to Luna.

“What?!”

“I asked may I give you a hug? Is it wrong I want to hug something that is cute and possibly fluffy?” he asked, possibly embarrassing her in front of the guards and her sister, who just smiled a bit.

Luna just couldn’t get out a response. She was so utterly baffled that any words that attempted to come out of her mouth came out as jibberish.

Celestia, however, could still speak. “Go ahead and hug my sister. I see nothing wrong with it.”

“Sister!” Luna squealed.

A smile came on his face as in a second, he was before Luna and pulled her into a hug. He chuckles a bit “I was right, you are fluffy!” he said as she could smell all sorts of scents on him. Oranges, grapes, wine, cheese, hell a LOT of cheese, and even the faint smell of Timberwolf. As he appeared away from them “Also… do be careful of my friend who is probably riding Woody to get here…. he is not as patient or calm as I” Sheogorath informed them, keeping his Mania side in control. Just as he said that, the doors burst open to show Woody and Absalom.

“SHEO, YOU NUTCASE! WHERE ARE YOU?!” He screamed.

“Calm down you poor excuse for a tentacle monster” Sheogorath said calmly as the princesses could see the whole group now. A ten foot tall Timberwolf being ridden by some tentacle and evil power filled creature and this… thing that just hugged a princess! He turns around “Princesses. Allow me to introduce Woody” he pointed to the Timberwolf who licked him, covering him in green goo “And Absalom…. be nice Absalom, afterall you are the one who doesn’t want to return to his old life right?” he asked, using Absalom’s earlier phrase against him. It was obvious that Sheo was making him try to keep his cool so they aren’t labeled as enemies…. yet “Now come down and say hello to them” he said.

“No.” he said. “You’re acting strange. More like your Mania.”

Sheogorath, for once in his life, gave him a deadpanned expression “Hi I’m Sheogorath, nice to meet you. Also it’s called being a good guest! Now get off of Woody before I turn YOU into cheese!” he said with that same smile he always had on his face.

“No.” he said, yet again. “I’m leaving, if for anything, to just calm down before…. You know.”

Jack had always had some problems with anger management. He was known in the town they had lived in for exploding on a dime when he got angry, sometimes even literally as he had a strange fascination with dynamite.

Sheogorath just nods “Want me to summon a few concubines for ya? Or you just going to find some river or something? Leave Woody though!” he added as he looked back at the Princesses could were composed now…. or more so than earlier.

“I’m going to vent.” Absalom said. He summoned up a small ball of corruption.

Sheogorath just sighed as he rubbed his temple “Try not to destroy anything important alright?”

“Fine.” he said. “I’ll corrupt some animals, or whatever I feel like. Call me if you need me.”

With that, he tossed Sheogorath the ball of corruption. To anyone but Sheo, it was normal, the ball just arced and Sheogorath caught it. To him, however, there was a small flash when it reached the apex before it continued on it’s path into Sheogorath’s hand.

As Sheogorath tossed the ball around, he shrugs “So… how about some wine and cheese as we talk?” he asked the princesses.