101 Ways To Dieby MegatronsPenChaptersSouthern Fried ChickenMEAT BICYCLE!OH MAH GAWD! OH MAH GAWD!The Flim Flam Scam Sham... Spam.Southern Fried ChickenRarity smoothed Fluttershy’s mane as the mare wept into her shoulder, tears streaming down her face as she regarded the somber and silent Twilight Sparkle who stood close to Rainbow Dash, trying to reconcile the stunned mare as the cyan pegasus gawked with near a vacant expression at Nurse Redheart’s revelation, while Applejack had long left the room for some fresh air to process the information. “Is there nothing you can do?” Twilight inquired in Rainbow Dash’s stead, looking hopefully upon the lacklustre expression of Ponyville’s resident nurse. “There must be something we can do. Some kind of spell or a potion…” Nurse Redheart sat back in her chair shaking her head, clopping her hooves together before her as she sympathetically looked on to the distraught group of friends. She really wished she had better news, but the sad fact was Rainbow Dash was going to die and there was nothing nopony could do about it. “I’m sorry-” Nurse Redheart began, but was cut off by a weeping Rarity struggling to string her words out into a coherent sentence. “Th-th-th-there has to b-b-be something… anything!” Releasing a deep sigh, Nurse Redheart regarded the still silently staring Rainbow Dash with a cold professional despite the emotional turmoil of the other mares. “All we can do, is make you as comfortable as we can. Which, with modern day medical and magical practices, will almost guarantee the remaining time you have left will be painless.” Fluttershy looked up from Rarity’s shoulder, her eyes red and bloodshot. “Th-this can’t be happening… r-right?” “How long does she have?” Twilight interjected as she placed a hoof on Rainbow Dash’s shoulder, wiping her eyes with the other hoof, while trying her best to hold her composure not because she was now a Princess and felt it her duty, but instead it was for her friends. She wanted to show some kind of level head to try and calm them; remaining emotionally strong so that they could rally together and cope with this terrible ordeal. No matter how hard she tried, she could not stop her own tears from falling. Nurse Redheart glanced down to her desk. “I’m sorry, but not very long. Unfortunately we caught it too late. The symptoms are very few and death can come quite suddenly to those who contract the disease… but if I had to guess, judging by how much it has spread, I’d say a week, maybe two. I don’t see you making it to season five.” “A week…?” Rainbow Dash choked. “But I… I have so much I want to do...” “H-how could this happen? What i-is it that has done this to her?” Rarity whimpered, the question drawing all eyes upon the nurse who shifted nervously in her seat. “Chickenitis is a very rare disease and it can only be contracted when in close contact with a minor character that may or may not be orphaned due to the ambiguity of his or her parentage that can become a future plot hole or plot point.” “What’s going to happen to me?” Rainbow Dash swallowed hard. “I have to know.” Nurse Redheart stood up from the chair, walking now like a bipedal mammal as she crossed her hooves behind her back, pacing back and forth behind her desk. “Your wings will eventually become useless and your cutie mark will eventually disappear." Rarity gasped. "You will eventually fall from your role as part of the mane six to a side character, often used for comic relief and nothing more. From there, you will fade into obscurity as a background character where your appearance will never be the same from day to day. You might wake up one morning having no wings, while the next day the colors in your mane might become mismatched, until eventually… you are killed off and replaced with a poor imitation.” “Sweet Celestia…” Twilight bit at her lower lip as she drew Rainbow Dash in for a hug. “What a… what a terrible disease… how could something so cruel exist?” Rainbow Dash looked back at her friends, struggling to smile. “It’s okay guys... I’m okay with it. At least I have the chance to say goodbye to all my friends before I… before I…” She sobbed into a hoof, “it’s better than not being able to say it, right? I’m going to say goodbye in time, right?” Tears flowed down her muzzle as she looked to them all. They nodded back to her, coming together for a warm embrace. _____________________ Three days later, Rainbow Dash was found dead on the toilet at her cloud home, seemingly from a cardiac arrest after straining that bit too much. Fortunately, she did not experience many of the symptoms of Chickenitis, but she had the chance to spend her last remaining days on Equestria surrounded by the love of her friends and family. Many happy memories were made in those short days. Pinkie Pie threw the best farewell party Rainbow Dash had ever seen and Twilight Sparkle even managed to gift her a signed copy of every Daring Do novel in existence, including losing her virginity to Big Macintosh on the very same night, though Rainbow Dash eventually admitted that his penis was not as great as everypony was making it to be. He had problems getting it up. Rainbow Dash’s funeral was grand and funded by Princess Twilight Sparkle, who vowed during a moving speech that no other pony would come to meet the same end that had taken away one of her best friends. Personally leading the inquisition to purge the disease from existence, they eventually found the source where Rainbow Dash had contracted it; tracing it back to a filly named Scootaloo, whom had indeed been in quite abit of contact with Rainbow Dash many times throughout the series. Seemingly immune herself, Scootaloo was medically tested to be a confirmed carrier and swiftly detained. Scootaloo was later euthanized and her body was later incinerated to prevent any other pony from contracting it and suffering the same fate as Rainbow Dash. However, the disease was also found in numerous other minor characters (most of whom were fillies and colts), all of which were captured and detained within an a safe encampment, where they were burned alive until there was nothing left. Twilight Sparkle later wrote an award winning biography on Rainbow Dash, though later was arrested for conspiring with several executives at Hasbro for a brand new toy line to be released with their latest Equestria Girls movie, where she marries Flash Sentry and becomes a superhero cheerleader. Author's Note Like, hate, flame! Who do you want next to die? And how? Pinkie Pie - choking on a cupcake? Fluttershy - eaten by white rabbits that may be related to a certain white rabbit from a Monty Python movie? Diamond Tiara - crushed by a falling Sugarcube Corner sign? So many choices, but what's on your mind? MEAT BICYCLE!At first I thought I was just having one of my psychotic moments. Out here in the wastes, you can often get quite bored with the bleak landscape; soaked with blood and stained with all kinds of insanity. “OH-MY-GOSH! OH-MY-GOSH!” With a gasp, Pinkie Pie bounced merrily around the feet of Krieg, completely ecstatic that she had once again found herself in a position to finally meet a brand new—uh, whatever the hell he is. Pausing mid flight during a leap of excitement, Pinkie Pie gave the odd looking creature wearing even stranger clothes with a certain look of suspicion that displayed an ounce of distrust, mostly due to his outlandish appearance. “You’re not something that’s going to eat us, right? Because we have been kind of getting that a lot around here lately and to be honest? I reallllllllly don’t think anypony will be too happy to hear about it happening again.” But my mind has never once constructed a scenario where a brightly dyed little equine is suspecting me of being a ‘creature’ that will potentially devour her. It’s official. I have lost my fucking mind. “Hey?” Pinkie Pie had come down from her gravity defying levitation to cautiously approach the very silent, very strange looking thing wearing a mask with what seems to be some kind of device, she suspected Twilight Sparkle would be very interested in examining. “Are you okay?” After all, she couldn’t tell if the creature was smiling underneath that thing. But there were ways of fixing that. It is times like these I tell myself not to entertain the delusion; but this one in particular? It’s almost amusing. I should say hello, at the very least. She… he? Is being quite pleasantly concerned for my well being. Say something a sane person would be pleased to hear, but for the love God, please, please don’t— “I SHALL SQUEEZE YOUR NECK UNTIL YOUR EYES POP OUT OF THE SKULL!” Krieg clenched his fist and shook it violently before his face before thumping his chest wildly. “THEN I SHALL DRINK FROM THE ORIFICES!” —scream something like that. Every, time… why do I have to say such things like that? Pinkie Pie had by this point shrank back in terror at the sudden outburst of the tall, fleshy colored thing, her ears flat against her head. “O-o-okie dokie pokie… lokie? U-uh… I’ll take that, as a no? Um… maybe if you just tried… smiling, it’ll make everything alright?” Krieg turned away, placing a hand to his face. You idiot. This pony is merely an innocent creature. A pure soul by the sounds of it and you just went and practically announced you were going to drink from her skull like some barbarian. “H-hey, I know what!” Pinkie Pie perked a little bit, doing her best to smile and fight away the fear with a little giggle. “How about I go get my friends and we throw one big party all just for you? Our brand new friend to arrive here in Ponyville. Sure you’re a little loud and a little freaky looking, but we do have the Lord of Chaos himself as one of our closest friends too, so… I think that means you are also a good candidate for the position!” I’m… touched… to think that even now this pony is willing to introduce me to her friends. It is almost inconceivable. This has to be my mind, attempting to make an escape by fashioning an all too perfect world with talking, tiny horses. Perhaps I should had been writing children’s novels before everything went to shit, if my mind conjure such a unique fantasy. With a tear slipping through his mask’s eye hole, Krieg trembled on the spot as he turned about to face Pinkie Pie. “MY EYE IS LEAKING LIKE THE DECAPITATED HEAD OF A WORM LIKE YOU!” “OH! I have gummy worms! This is perfect! I’ll go make the preparations and I’ll buy a TON of gummy worms for you. Great! Sweet! Now don’t be late! It’ll be over at Princess Twilight Sparkle’s sparkly castle; she has SO much room now we can practically invite the entire town in on this super amazing party! I can introduce you and everything! Does eight o’clock sound good? Great, see you then!” And with that, Krieg was left to his own devices, dumbfounded as the pony before him brandished a canon from seemingly out of nowhere, climbed into it and shot herself high in the sky, heading into the general direction of Sugarcube Corner before Krieg could say or do anything else. Don’t question it. I’m beginning believe there is no hope for me, after all. ______________________________________ “—andhewasastallPrincessCelestia; he talked really loud and he—” “Alright, alright, Pinkie! We get it. So… where in the hay is he… she… it.” Applejack looked about the area as the entire mane six awaited outside the doors of Princess Twilight Sparkle’s new home, guests already arriving in a steady stream. “Well, I am excited to meet this creature. You said he spoke Equestrian, right?” Twilight blinked at Pinkie Pie, her interest piqued ever since Pinkie had first mentioned him. “Yep! He seems a bit violent, but I think this super awesome, special welcome party I have thrown for him, this will be the bestest party I ever did partied ever. I’m sure he’ll love it.” Pinkie Pie clapped her hooves together excitedly. “I can’t wait for him to see the gummy worm cake I have baked for him.” “A… gummy worm cake?” Rainbow Dash lifted an eyebrow. “That sound’s… really weird.” “I don’t know,” Fluttershy whispered, “it sound’s kind of nice to me…” “To be honest darlings,” Rarity sighed, “I am not too sure that this creature or whatever it is, is all that normal to begin with, if I judge correctly from Pinkie Pie’s observations.” From the stream of ponies, one particular arrival breaks away and advances upon the group. “Hey, um, Twilight,” Flash Sentry blushed a shade of red as he approached, noting Twilight’s shock with a little bit of amusement. “I’m sorry I came uninvited but, I thought maybe I could… I mean we could… hang out?” Twilight stammered over her words as she looked back to her friends, all of whom but Pinkie Pie returned her glance with all too knowing grins, while Pinkie was just grinning manically anyway from the get-go. Finally summoning her courage, she looked back at the embarrassed state of Flash Sentry as he awkwardly shifted on his hooves, trying his best to not attain eye contact with the Princess. “S-sure,” Twilight the unfaithful waifu took a step forward towards Flash, “I’d love to—” Interrupted, Flash Sentry explodes into a over budgeted shower of gore as body parts went flying in all directions, blood smothering Twilight’s stunned and gawking face while the other girls were in a similar predicament... expect Pinkie Pie, who had magically manifested a black umbrella again from nowhere, which thankfully had managed to block most of the red shower of the gory bits that was once Flash Sentry. Rainbow Dash hyperventilated to the point she passed out, unfortunately crushing the still beating heart of that now cold dead bastard, while Applejack wretched into her hooves. Rarity had fainted outright, a contorted look of absolute horror forever stitched on her unconscious form while Fluttershy had quite literally jumped out of her skin, killing her instantly. Roaring like a beast from Tartarus itself, Krieg had arrived, his meat bicycle perfectly parked where Flash Sentry once had stood, dressed in a fabulous white tuxedo now somewhat speckled with crimson, a trail of steam rose from a portion of Flash Sentry’s lower intestine that was now quite impossibly pulsing on his shoulder. “I AM HERE FOR THE CARNAGE!” Krieg announced as he withdrew his weapon from the holster on his meat bicycle, shaking off the blood that had soaked it. You complete idiot. You just ran one of them over! Say something… say thing! Wait a minute... didn't he just practically explode upon impact? That should be physically impossible! Why can't even my delusions obey the laws of physics. “IS THIS THE BLOOD ORGY I WAS PROMISED?” For the love of fucking God… why does this keep happening to me? Say something normal! Anything! “I mean... thank you... f-for inviting me…” A tear slipped down Krieg’s face, once more touched by the gesture of these imaginary ponies. “NOW FEED ME YOUR FOOD OR I WILL FLAIL IT FROM YOUR FLESH!” To make a point, Krieg slowly dragged the blunt side of his weapon against his throat. It was at this point that Pinkie Pie hovered over to him, still smiling. “That was beautiful. I’ve so wanted to do that for a while now.” Author's Note This chapter’s unlucky winners are: The_Lone_Wanderer and Shadow of the Night for their suggestion of the Meat Bicycle! And Ayin Apholion for suggesting Flash Sentry being a target. I regret nothing. I enjoyed this one too much. Total Death Count Thus Far: 4 Unaccounted Death Count: Fuck knows. Who's next for the chopping block? How will they die? Offer your suggestions and I will pick one, two, or maybe even THREE if I feel like I can somehow blend them altogether. Leave your suggestions below! OH MAH GAWD! OH MAH GAWD!Prince Blueblood dabbed his lips with a napkin as he looked across the candle lit table towards his very ravishing date. His truffled salad of lettuce, tomatoes and a dressing of aioli was perhaps of suitable standard for the restaurant he had taken her to, but had expected a far superior service. With a clap of his hooves, a waiter appeared as if he had been standing there the entire time. With his snobbish Canterlotian accent, Blueblood regarded the waiter with a frown. “The salad… it was very bland. The aioli clearly had not the correct amount of garlic and the truffles clearly were of a cheaper variety than what I am used to. Please, do take it away, it disgusts with me its mediocrity.” “Very good, Sir.” Taking the half eaten plate of salad, the waiter turned to regard the young mare to which the stallion was courting this evening. “And is the salad to your satisfaction, M’am?” Maud Pie lifted her dead eyed gaze up from the empty plate. “Yes. But I think it needs texture.” Prince Blueblood scoffed, indicating a hoof to Maud Pie as he addressed the waiter, clearly outraged. “See?! A substandard salad if I do say myself! What would you suggest my dear to increase the standard of this vile plate of leaves not fit to be consumed by the upper class?” Maud Pie stared across the table to Prince Blueblood. “Needs more limestone. Granite, maybe. I like a salad on the rocks.” “I agree! This salad would look far superior on say a slate, or perhaps a thin slice of black marble colour contrast!” The waiter rolled his eyes. “I will bring your the soup course, M’am, Sir.” With a lift of his chin, the waiter trotted away with both plates in tow. “My word, Miss Pie I have never felt such excitement on a day of courtship before. You are perhaps the most interesting and most educated mare I have ever met.” Blueblood looked dreamily across the table, reaching a hoof across to place it on top of Maud Pie’s own. “Thank you.” Maud Pie replied her usual monotonous tone that better fitted to a soulless machine than somepony of the Pie family. “You are okay, too.” “Miss Pie, would it be too early in our relationship to ask your hoof in marriage?” Blueblood dropped to his hind knees beside the table, just as the waiter returned to set down the soup spoons for the next course. Maud Pie blinked slowly down at Blueblood, her mouth slightly agape, though showing little to no sign of emotion. “I am sorry. But I am in love with someone else.” Blueblood paled, standing up in a swirl of anger. “Who is this villainous cur that hath taken your heart?” Maud Pie shook her head. “His name is Boulder. He is my rock.” “Your rock, you say?!” Taking up the soup spoon in his magic, Blueblood swiped at the air with it, vexed beyond all moral compass. “Well, then I will fight for your hoof, my dear! Show me this rapscallion so that I may show him skill and expertise in the art of the spoon!” Maud Pie took Boulder from seemingly nowhere, placing the heavy rock upon the table. “Please, do not fight of me.” She droned. “I am not worth it.” Blueblood directed the spoon towards Boulder. “Engarde, you vile sediment! I will chip away at your defenses with my agility and grace until there is nothing left!” “Oh. No.” Maud placed her hooves around Boulder. “Please don’t hurt each other. I love you both. I cannot choose. Oh. No.” “Please, my dear! Stand back!” Thrusting a hoof to push Maud away, Blueblood launched a vicious swing towards Boulder’s - uh - face, striking it with enough force to send the rock hurtling across the restaurant at high speed, inadvertently killing several ponies as it penetrated several pony's bodies, even going far as popping a few heads in a gorey explosion that was directed by Michael Bay and George A. Romero’s lovechild. Maud stood up. “Boulder. Oh no. What have you done? I loved him. So very much. We have exactly 139,377 pebbles together. What will they do without their Father?” “But why have that stiff when you can have this ravishing specimen of Equine sophistication?” Blueblood announced, posing atop of the table for good measure. From the wreckage of bodies came something unexpected. Including an announcer and an all too familiar theme tune. “OH MY GAWD! OH MY GAWD! IT’S THE RAWK! THE RAWK IS HERE!” The ripped humanoid stood up from the aftermath of Blueblood’s onslaught, his ripped muscles rippling with even MORE muscles as he lifted The People’s Eyebrow, his sun glassed gaze directing left, and then right, and then back again to make the crowd go wild. “THE MOST ELECTRIFYING MAN IN SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT TODAY! OH MAH GAWD!” Hoisting the WWEF microphone, The People’s Champion brought his lips to the microphone, the music and the cheering dying away as if to allow this Adonis to speak. “Finally… The Rock HAS COME BACK… to… Canterlot.” With a flick of his head left and then right, he raised once more The People’s Eyebrow, much to the cheer of the crowd to which Blueblood was still looking around the restaurant to find. At this point most of the other diners had fled. “Who in Discord’s beard are you?” Blueblood blinked. Maud approached The Rock. “Please calm down.” Lifting a hand to silence Maud, The Rock took a few steps over the corpses of a few diners to approach the table mounted Blueblood. “The Rock, hears that you think yourself a fine ravishing specimen of Equine superiority—The Rock has heard, that you think yourself, sophisticated and dashing. The Rock asks you this - I said The Rock asks you a simple question, jabroni, what is it that makes you think you are better than The Rock?” “Well, for starters—” “IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT YOU THINK!” The Rock pulled back the microphone, socking it under Blueblood chin as with a sweep of his arm he Rock Bottomed Blueblood’s candy ass straight through the table. Next, he picked up the spoon. Beating Blueblood’s head with it until his skull caved in on itself. This process took a full half a day, but eventually when Blueblood was finally dead, The Rock took Maud up in his arms, whistled loud and in through the window crashed a giant white rabbit, to which was saddled and ready for The People’s Champion, whom swiftly whisked away Maud Pie and himself into the sunset. Author's Note This chapter’s unlucky winners are: Birdy Love for the spoon idea, Shadow of the Night for the inclusion of 139,377 rocks and The_Lone_Wanderer for Blueblood and a white rabbit concept. The Rock coming in was just a pun I had to do. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO SEE NEXT?! Comment in the section below goddamnit and I will choose a few and write something around it! If I can. I probably will. The Flim Flam Scam Sham... Spam.“Hello mares and gentlecolts of Ponyville! I am Flim! And boy have do we have a special treat for you today!” One half of the annoying Hasbro monstrosity spoke into the microphone as he stood upon the fold out stage attached to his carriage. Holding above them for all the crowd to see, was a curious little device with metallic teeth on the end, to which when turned on, vibrated and quite obnoxiously much to the confused glances of all below. Next, Flam appeared next to his brother, twirling his mustache. “That’s right brother; hello mares and gentlecolts, my name is Flam and this my dear potential customers to whom we would never scam, is what you call an automatic, electronic, vibrational hair removal device! That’s right! Do you have unwanted facial hair growing out the side of her-I mean YOUR face?” “Yeah!” A few yelled from the crowd which was quite a majority of colts with bizarrely the odd mare thrown in amongst the outcry “Does your mare’s bush need a trimming? Then no worries!” Flim announced, throwing his hooves out into the air flamboyantly while the device still vibrated midflight. “It will make short work of any bush-big, small, thorny-you name is and it will trim it back straight to the roots with little to no fuss at all!” “What’s that, Flim?” Flam leaned in close to his brother. “Did you just say it could trim bushes? Well, not only can it do your gardening chores but it can also give your special somponies a little bit of nighttime fun, if you know what I mean, ladies...” He winked to a mare in the crowd, who clearly was not amused by the insinuation. “Ahem!” Flam cleared the phlegm from his throat. “Don’t worry folks, for we have eighteen of these beauties to sell to today, so how about we start the bidding at-” “We want to see a demonstration!” A heckler called out. Another echoed out along the crowd. “Yeah! Demonstration!” “Yeah! What they said!” “DEETOOK OURAH JOOOOOOOBS!” “Yeah!” Flim looked to Flam, both laughing nervously. “Unfortunately,” they talked in unison, “we can’t give a live demonstration due to the paperwork required to do so!” “Health and safety, unfortunately!" Flim lamented. “Such a pain, Flim!” Flam mirrored his brother’s despair. “Indeed, Flam!” From the front row, suddenly somepony sprang up on stage. It was none other than Miss Harshwinney, brandishing a dildobat as she glared towards the pair. “If you don’t hurry up with the demonstration, I think you will find yourself both in quite the predicament, when I sodomize your behinds with my trusty disciplinary bat. Which, I might add, has not been washed for some number of weeks.” The brothers sweated, nervously glancing to each other. “W-well…” Flim began, before Flam interrupted him. “It is okay brother, please use it upon my fine mustache to show these kind ponyfolk how ingenious and useful our invention truly is! Merely trim a bit on the edges and that should satisfy them.” The crowd cheered. Gulping, Flim drew the electric shaver close to Flam’s face. “A-are you sure, brother?” He whispered now. “It’s still untested!” Flam whispered back through clenched, grinning teeth. “If you don’t they’re going to lynch us, brother…” Resolute to the fate that awaited them, Flim carefully moved the shaver towards the tip of one side of his brother's mustache. All was fine for the moment, as the mustache was trimmed upon the edges by the device until suddenly, it got tangled up mysteriously around the serrated teeth pulling Flam’s mustache and the flesh of his face, clean off from the skull. Screaming in agony, the fleshless face of Flam spewed blood across the crowd’s gawking faces as he ran around in circles several times before collapsing onto the ground, dead, leaving his brother horrified and sobbing at the foot of his brother’s corpse. “N-noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!” “Hey!” A voice called out from the crowd. “That could had killed us!” “Yeah! I’m angry! Let’s kill him!” “Grab your pitchforks!” “I have a comedy plushied hammer!” “That’ll do!” Flim, clearly outnumbered, ran for his life. He galloped hard, only looking back every now and again to note how close his pursuers were and then once at a safe distance, he toned down his speed into a steady gallop, huffing through his nose as tears streamed down his cheeks. "B-brother! Oh brother!" BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP! Unfortunately for the final brother, he was not exactly looking where he was going and had found himself in the direct path of Ponyville Express that was carrying a weeks supply of Playmare magazine, to which, unfortunately, the driver was clopping over. Unable to note the stallion’s path, the driver barely realized what had happened until Flim exploded into a flurry of gore that was scattered across the train tracks. Author's Note This chapter’s unlucky winners are: omegapex and Diamond dust for their shaving mishap idea with Flim and Flam, and Xzrea for death by Ponyville Express. Special props to FrozenInTime for the dildobat, because that shit I find The Rock coming in was just a pun I had to do. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO SEE NEXT?! Comment in the section below goddamnit and I will choose a few and write something around it! I cannot guarantee it will be what you want.
Southern Fried ChickenRarity smoothed Fluttershy’s mane as the mare wept into her shoulder, tears streaming down her face as she regarded the somber and silent Twilight Sparkle who stood close to Rainbow Dash, trying to reconcile the stunned mare as the cyan pegasus gawked with near a vacant expression at Nurse Redheart’s revelation, while Applejack had long left the room for some fresh air to process the information. “Is there nothing you can do?” Twilight inquired in Rainbow Dash’s stead, looking hopefully upon the lacklustre expression of Ponyville’s resident nurse. “There must be something we can do. Some kind of spell or a potion…” Nurse Redheart sat back in her chair shaking her head, clopping her hooves together before her as she sympathetically looked on to the distraught group of friends. She really wished she had better news, but the sad fact was Rainbow Dash was going to die and there was nothing nopony could do about it. “I’m sorry-” Nurse Redheart began, but was cut off by a weeping Rarity struggling to string her words out into a coherent sentence. “Th-th-th-there has to b-b-be something… anything!” Releasing a deep sigh, Nurse Redheart regarded the still silently staring Rainbow Dash with a cold professional despite the emotional turmoil of the other mares. “All we can do, is make you as comfortable as we can. Which, with modern day medical and magical practices, will almost guarantee the remaining time you have left will be painless.” Fluttershy looked up from Rarity’s shoulder, her eyes red and bloodshot. “Th-this can’t be happening… r-right?” “How long does she have?” Twilight interjected as she placed a hoof on Rainbow Dash’s shoulder, wiping her eyes with the other hoof, while trying her best to hold her composure not because she was now a Princess and felt it her duty, but instead it was for her friends. She wanted to show some kind of level head to try and calm them; remaining emotionally strong so that they could rally together and cope with this terrible ordeal. No matter how hard she tried, she could not stop her own tears from falling. Nurse Redheart glanced down to her desk. “I’m sorry, but not very long. Unfortunately we caught it too late. The symptoms are very few and death can come quite suddenly to those who contract the disease… but if I had to guess, judging by how much it has spread, I’d say a week, maybe two. I don’t see you making it to season five.” “A week…?” Rainbow Dash choked. “But I… I have so much I want to do...” “H-how could this happen? What i-is it that has done this to her?” Rarity whimpered, the question drawing all eyes upon the nurse who shifted nervously in her seat. “Chickenitis is a very rare disease and it can only be contracted when in close contact with a minor character that may or may not be orphaned due to the ambiguity of his or her parentage that can become a future plot hole or plot point.” “What’s going to happen to me?” Rainbow Dash swallowed hard. “I have to know.” Nurse Redheart stood up from the chair, walking now like a bipedal mammal as she crossed her hooves behind her back, pacing back and forth behind her desk. “Your wings will eventually become useless and your cutie mark will eventually disappear." Rarity gasped. "You will eventually fall from your role as part of the mane six to a side character, often used for comic relief and nothing more. From there, you will fade into obscurity as a background character where your appearance will never be the same from day to day. You might wake up one morning having no wings, while the next day the colors in your mane might become mismatched, until eventually… you are killed off and replaced with a poor imitation.” “Sweet Celestia…” Twilight bit at her lower lip as she drew Rainbow Dash in for a hug. “What a… what a terrible disease… how could something so cruel exist?” Rainbow Dash looked back at her friends, struggling to smile. “It’s okay guys... I’m okay with it. At least I have the chance to say goodbye to all my friends before I… before I…” She sobbed into a hoof, “it’s better than not being able to say it, right? I’m going to say goodbye in time, right?” Tears flowed down her muzzle as she looked to them all. They nodded back to her, coming together for a warm embrace. _____________________ Three days later, Rainbow Dash was found dead on the toilet at her cloud home, seemingly from a cardiac arrest after straining that bit too much. Fortunately, she did not experience many of the symptoms of Chickenitis, but she had the chance to spend her last remaining days on Equestria surrounded by the love of her friends and family. Many happy memories were made in those short days. Pinkie Pie threw the best farewell party Rainbow Dash had ever seen and Twilight Sparkle even managed to gift her a signed copy of every Daring Do novel in existence, including losing her virginity to Big Macintosh on the very same night, though Rainbow Dash eventually admitted that his penis was not as great as everypony was making it to be. He had problems getting it up. Rainbow Dash’s funeral was grand and funded by Princess Twilight Sparkle, who vowed during a moving speech that no other pony would come to meet the same end that had taken away one of her best friends. Personally leading the inquisition to purge the disease from existence, they eventually found the source where Rainbow Dash had contracted it; tracing it back to a filly named Scootaloo, whom had indeed been in quite abit of contact with Rainbow Dash many times throughout the series. Seemingly immune herself, Scootaloo was medically tested to be a confirmed carrier and swiftly detained. Scootaloo was later euthanized and her body was later incinerated to prevent any other pony from contracting it and suffering the same fate as Rainbow Dash. However, the disease was also found in numerous other minor characters (most of whom were fillies and colts), all of which were captured and detained within an a safe encampment, where they were burned alive until there was nothing left. Twilight Sparkle later wrote an award winning biography on Rainbow Dash, though later was arrested for conspiring with several executives at Hasbro for a brand new toy line to be released with their latest Equestria Girls movie, where she marries Flash Sentry and becomes a superhero cheerleader. Author's Note Like, hate, flame! Who do you want next to die? And how? Pinkie Pie - choking on a cupcake? Fluttershy - eaten by white rabbits that may be related to a certain white rabbit from a Monty Python movie? Diamond Tiara - crushed by a falling Sugarcube Corner sign? So many choices, but what's on your mind?
MEAT BICYCLE!At first I thought I was just having one of my psychotic moments. Out here in the wastes, you can often get quite bored with the bleak landscape; soaked with blood and stained with all kinds of insanity. “OH-MY-GOSH! OH-MY-GOSH!” With a gasp, Pinkie Pie bounced merrily around the feet of Krieg, completely ecstatic that she had once again found herself in a position to finally meet a brand new—uh, whatever the hell he is. Pausing mid flight during a leap of excitement, Pinkie Pie gave the odd looking creature wearing even stranger clothes with a certain look of suspicion that displayed an ounce of distrust, mostly due to his outlandish appearance. “You’re not something that’s going to eat us, right? Because we have been kind of getting that a lot around here lately and to be honest? I reallllllllly don’t think anypony will be too happy to hear about it happening again.” But my mind has never once constructed a scenario where a brightly dyed little equine is suspecting me of being a ‘creature’ that will potentially devour her. It’s official. I have lost my fucking mind. “Hey?” Pinkie Pie had come down from her gravity defying levitation to cautiously approach the very silent, very strange looking thing wearing a mask with what seems to be some kind of device, she suspected Twilight Sparkle would be very interested in examining. “Are you okay?” After all, she couldn’t tell if the creature was smiling underneath that thing. But there were ways of fixing that. It is times like these I tell myself not to entertain the delusion; but this one in particular? It’s almost amusing. I should say hello, at the very least. She… he? Is being quite pleasantly concerned for my well being. Say something a sane person would be pleased to hear, but for the love God, please, please don’t— “I SHALL SQUEEZE YOUR NECK UNTIL YOUR EYES POP OUT OF THE SKULL!” Krieg clenched his fist and shook it violently before his face before thumping his chest wildly. “THEN I SHALL DRINK FROM THE ORIFICES!” —scream something like that. Every, time… why do I have to say such things like that? Pinkie Pie had by this point shrank back in terror at the sudden outburst of the tall, fleshy colored thing, her ears flat against her head. “O-o-okie dokie pokie… lokie? U-uh… I’ll take that, as a no? Um… maybe if you just tried… smiling, it’ll make everything alright?” Krieg turned away, placing a hand to his face. You idiot. This pony is merely an innocent creature. A pure soul by the sounds of it and you just went and practically announced you were going to drink from her skull like some barbarian. “H-hey, I know what!” Pinkie Pie perked a little bit, doing her best to smile and fight away the fear with a little giggle. “How about I go get my friends and we throw one big party all just for you? Our brand new friend to arrive here in Ponyville. Sure you’re a little loud and a little freaky looking, but we do have the Lord of Chaos himself as one of our closest friends too, so… I think that means you are also a good candidate for the position!” I’m… touched… to think that even now this pony is willing to introduce me to her friends. It is almost inconceivable. This has to be my mind, attempting to make an escape by fashioning an all too perfect world with talking, tiny horses. Perhaps I should had been writing children’s novels before everything went to shit, if my mind conjure such a unique fantasy. With a tear slipping through his mask’s eye hole, Krieg trembled on the spot as he turned about to face Pinkie Pie. “MY EYE IS LEAKING LIKE THE DECAPITATED HEAD OF A WORM LIKE YOU!” “OH! I have gummy worms! This is perfect! I’ll go make the preparations and I’ll buy a TON of gummy worms for you. Great! Sweet! Now don’t be late! It’ll be over at Princess Twilight Sparkle’s sparkly castle; she has SO much room now we can practically invite the entire town in on this super amazing party! I can introduce you and everything! Does eight o’clock sound good? Great, see you then!” And with that, Krieg was left to his own devices, dumbfounded as the pony before him brandished a canon from seemingly out of nowhere, climbed into it and shot herself high in the sky, heading into the general direction of Sugarcube Corner before Krieg could say or do anything else. Don’t question it. I’m beginning believe there is no hope for me, after all. ______________________________________ “—andhewasastallPrincessCelestia; he talked really loud and he—” “Alright, alright, Pinkie! We get it. So… where in the hay is he… she… it.” Applejack looked about the area as the entire mane six awaited outside the doors of Princess Twilight Sparkle’s new home, guests already arriving in a steady stream. “Well, I am excited to meet this creature. You said he spoke Equestrian, right?” Twilight blinked at Pinkie Pie, her interest piqued ever since Pinkie had first mentioned him. “Yep! He seems a bit violent, but I think this super awesome, special welcome party I have thrown for him, this will be the bestest party I ever did partied ever. I’m sure he’ll love it.” Pinkie Pie clapped her hooves together excitedly. “I can’t wait for him to see the gummy worm cake I have baked for him.” “A… gummy worm cake?” Rainbow Dash lifted an eyebrow. “That sound’s… really weird.” “I don’t know,” Fluttershy whispered, “it sound’s kind of nice to me…” “To be honest darlings,” Rarity sighed, “I am not too sure that this creature or whatever it is, is all that normal to begin with, if I judge correctly from Pinkie Pie’s observations.” From the stream of ponies, one particular arrival breaks away and advances upon the group. “Hey, um, Twilight,” Flash Sentry blushed a shade of red as he approached, noting Twilight’s shock with a little bit of amusement. “I’m sorry I came uninvited but, I thought maybe I could… I mean we could… hang out?” Twilight stammered over her words as she looked back to her friends, all of whom but Pinkie Pie returned her glance with all too knowing grins, while Pinkie was just grinning manically anyway from the get-go. Finally summoning her courage, she looked back at the embarrassed state of Flash Sentry as he awkwardly shifted on his hooves, trying his best to not attain eye contact with the Princess. “S-sure,” Twilight the unfaithful waifu took a step forward towards Flash, “I’d love to—” Interrupted, Flash Sentry explodes into a over budgeted shower of gore as body parts went flying in all directions, blood smothering Twilight’s stunned and gawking face while the other girls were in a similar predicament... expect Pinkie Pie, who had magically manifested a black umbrella again from nowhere, which thankfully had managed to block most of the red shower of the gory bits that was once Flash Sentry. Rainbow Dash hyperventilated to the point she passed out, unfortunately crushing the still beating heart of that now cold dead bastard, while Applejack wretched into her hooves. Rarity had fainted outright, a contorted look of absolute horror forever stitched on her unconscious form while Fluttershy had quite literally jumped out of her skin, killing her instantly. Roaring like a beast from Tartarus itself, Krieg had arrived, his meat bicycle perfectly parked where Flash Sentry once had stood, dressed in a fabulous white tuxedo now somewhat speckled with crimson, a trail of steam rose from a portion of Flash Sentry’s lower intestine that was now quite impossibly pulsing on his shoulder. “I AM HERE FOR THE CARNAGE!” Krieg announced as he withdrew his weapon from the holster on his meat bicycle, shaking off the blood that had soaked it. You complete idiot. You just ran one of them over! Say something… say thing! Wait a minute... didn't he just practically explode upon impact? That should be physically impossible! Why can't even my delusions obey the laws of physics. “IS THIS THE BLOOD ORGY I WAS PROMISED?” For the love of fucking God… why does this keep happening to me? Say something normal! Anything! “I mean... thank you... f-for inviting me…” A tear slipped down Krieg’s face, once more touched by the gesture of these imaginary ponies. “NOW FEED ME YOUR FOOD OR I WILL FLAIL IT FROM YOUR FLESH!” To make a point, Krieg slowly dragged the blunt side of his weapon against his throat. It was at this point that Pinkie Pie hovered over to him, still smiling. “That was beautiful. I’ve so wanted to do that for a while now.” Author's Note This chapter’s unlucky winners are: The_Lone_Wanderer and Shadow of the Night for their suggestion of the Meat Bicycle! And Ayin Apholion for suggesting Flash Sentry being a target. I regret nothing. I enjoyed this one too much. Total Death Count Thus Far: 4 Unaccounted Death Count: Fuck knows. Who's next for the chopping block? How will they die? Offer your suggestions and I will pick one, two, or maybe even THREE if I feel like I can somehow blend them altogether. Leave your suggestions below!
OH MAH GAWD! OH MAH GAWD!Prince Blueblood dabbed his lips with a napkin as he looked across the candle lit table towards his very ravishing date. His truffled salad of lettuce, tomatoes and a dressing of aioli was perhaps of suitable standard for the restaurant he had taken her to, but had expected a far superior service. With a clap of his hooves, a waiter appeared as if he had been standing there the entire time. With his snobbish Canterlotian accent, Blueblood regarded the waiter with a frown. “The salad… it was very bland. The aioli clearly had not the correct amount of garlic and the truffles clearly were of a cheaper variety than what I am used to. Please, do take it away, it disgusts with me its mediocrity.” “Very good, Sir.” Taking the half eaten plate of salad, the waiter turned to regard the young mare to which the stallion was courting this evening. “And is the salad to your satisfaction, M’am?” Maud Pie lifted her dead eyed gaze up from the empty plate. “Yes. But I think it needs texture.” Prince Blueblood scoffed, indicating a hoof to Maud Pie as he addressed the waiter, clearly outraged. “See?! A substandard salad if I do say myself! What would you suggest my dear to increase the standard of this vile plate of leaves not fit to be consumed by the upper class?” Maud Pie stared across the table to Prince Blueblood. “Needs more limestone. Granite, maybe. I like a salad on the rocks.” “I agree! This salad would look far superior on say a slate, or perhaps a thin slice of black marble colour contrast!” The waiter rolled his eyes. “I will bring your the soup course, M’am, Sir.” With a lift of his chin, the waiter trotted away with both plates in tow. “My word, Miss Pie I have never felt such excitement on a day of courtship before. You are perhaps the most interesting and most educated mare I have ever met.” Blueblood looked dreamily across the table, reaching a hoof across to place it on top of Maud Pie’s own. “Thank you.” Maud Pie replied her usual monotonous tone that better fitted to a soulless machine than somepony of the Pie family. “You are okay, too.” “Miss Pie, would it be too early in our relationship to ask your hoof in marriage?” Blueblood dropped to his hind knees beside the table, just as the waiter returned to set down the soup spoons for the next course. Maud Pie blinked slowly down at Blueblood, her mouth slightly agape, though showing little to no sign of emotion. “I am sorry. But I am in love with someone else.” Blueblood paled, standing up in a swirl of anger. “Who is this villainous cur that hath taken your heart?” Maud Pie shook her head. “His name is Boulder. He is my rock.” “Your rock, you say?!” Taking up the soup spoon in his magic, Blueblood swiped at the air with it, vexed beyond all moral compass. “Well, then I will fight for your hoof, my dear! Show me this rapscallion so that I may show him skill and expertise in the art of the spoon!” Maud Pie took Boulder from seemingly nowhere, placing the heavy rock upon the table. “Please, do not fight of me.” She droned. “I am not worth it.” Blueblood directed the spoon towards Boulder. “Engarde, you vile sediment! I will chip away at your defenses with my agility and grace until there is nothing left!” “Oh. No.” Maud placed her hooves around Boulder. “Please don’t hurt each other. I love you both. I cannot choose. Oh. No.” “Please, my dear! Stand back!” Thrusting a hoof to push Maud away, Blueblood launched a vicious swing towards Boulder’s - uh - face, striking it with enough force to send the rock hurtling across the restaurant at high speed, inadvertently killing several ponies as it penetrated several pony's bodies, even going far as popping a few heads in a gorey explosion that was directed by Michael Bay and George A. Romero’s lovechild. Maud stood up. “Boulder. Oh no. What have you done? I loved him. So very much. We have exactly 139,377 pebbles together. What will they do without their Father?” “But why have that stiff when you can have this ravishing specimen of Equine sophistication?” Blueblood announced, posing atop of the table for good measure. From the wreckage of bodies came something unexpected. Including an announcer and an all too familiar theme tune. “OH MY GAWD! OH MY GAWD! IT’S THE RAWK! THE RAWK IS HERE!” The ripped humanoid stood up from the aftermath of Blueblood’s onslaught, his ripped muscles rippling with even MORE muscles as he lifted The People’s Eyebrow, his sun glassed gaze directing left, and then right, and then back again to make the crowd go wild. “THE MOST ELECTRIFYING MAN IN SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT TODAY! OH MAH GAWD!” Hoisting the WWEF microphone, The People’s Champion brought his lips to the microphone, the music and the cheering dying away as if to allow this Adonis to speak. “Finally… The Rock HAS COME BACK… to… Canterlot.” With a flick of his head left and then right, he raised once more The People’s Eyebrow, much to the cheer of the crowd to which Blueblood was still looking around the restaurant to find. At this point most of the other diners had fled. “Who in Discord’s beard are you?” Blueblood blinked. Maud approached The Rock. “Please calm down.” Lifting a hand to silence Maud, The Rock took a few steps over the corpses of a few diners to approach the table mounted Blueblood. “The Rock, hears that you think yourself a fine ravishing specimen of Equine superiority—The Rock has heard, that you think yourself, sophisticated and dashing. The Rock asks you this - I said The Rock asks you a simple question, jabroni, what is it that makes you think you are better than The Rock?” “Well, for starters—” “IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT YOU THINK!” The Rock pulled back the microphone, socking it under Blueblood chin as with a sweep of his arm he Rock Bottomed Blueblood’s candy ass straight through the table. Next, he picked up the spoon. Beating Blueblood’s head with it until his skull caved in on itself. This process took a full half a day, but eventually when Blueblood was finally dead, The Rock took Maud up in his arms, whistled loud and in through the window crashed a giant white rabbit, to which was saddled and ready for The People’s Champion, whom swiftly whisked away Maud Pie and himself into the sunset. Author's Note This chapter’s unlucky winners are: Birdy Love for the spoon idea, Shadow of the Night for the inclusion of 139,377 rocks and The_Lone_Wanderer for Blueblood and a white rabbit concept. The Rock coming in was just a pun I had to do. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO SEE NEXT?! Comment in the section below goddamnit and I will choose a few and write something around it! If I can. I probably will.
The Flim Flam Scam Sham... Spam.“Hello mares and gentlecolts of Ponyville! I am Flim! And boy have do we have a special treat for you today!” One half of the annoying Hasbro monstrosity spoke into the microphone as he stood upon the fold out stage attached to his carriage. Holding above them for all the crowd to see, was a curious little device with metallic teeth on the end, to which when turned on, vibrated and quite obnoxiously much to the confused glances of all below. Next, Flam appeared next to his brother, twirling his mustache. “That’s right brother; hello mares and gentlecolts, my name is Flam and this my dear potential customers to whom we would never scam, is what you call an automatic, electronic, vibrational hair removal device! That’s right! Do you have unwanted facial hair growing out the side of her-I mean YOUR face?” “Yeah!” A few yelled from the crowd which was quite a majority of colts with bizarrely the odd mare thrown in amongst the outcry “Does your mare’s bush need a trimming? Then no worries!” Flim announced, throwing his hooves out into the air flamboyantly while the device still vibrated midflight. “It will make short work of any bush-big, small, thorny-you name is and it will trim it back straight to the roots with little to no fuss at all!” “What’s that, Flim?” Flam leaned in close to his brother. “Did you just say it could trim bushes? Well, not only can it do your gardening chores but it can also give your special somponies a little bit of nighttime fun, if you know what I mean, ladies...” He winked to a mare in the crowd, who clearly was not amused by the insinuation. “Ahem!” Flam cleared the phlegm from his throat. “Don’t worry folks, for we have eighteen of these beauties to sell to today, so how about we start the bidding at-” “We want to see a demonstration!” A heckler called out. Another echoed out along the crowd. “Yeah! Demonstration!” “Yeah! What they said!” “DEETOOK OURAH JOOOOOOOBS!” “Yeah!” Flim looked to Flam, both laughing nervously. “Unfortunately,” they talked in unison, “we can’t give a live demonstration due to the paperwork required to do so!” “Health and safety, unfortunately!" Flim lamented. “Such a pain, Flim!” Flam mirrored his brother’s despair. “Indeed, Flam!” From the front row, suddenly somepony sprang up on stage. It was none other than Miss Harshwinney, brandishing a dildobat as she glared towards the pair. “If you don’t hurry up with the demonstration, I think you will find yourself both in quite the predicament, when I sodomize your behinds with my trusty disciplinary bat. Which, I might add, has not been washed for some number of weeks.” The brothers sweated, nervously glancing to each other. “W-well…” Flim began, before Flam interrupted him. “It is okay brother, please use it upon my fine mustache to show these kind ponyfolk how ingenious and useful our invention truly is! Merely trim a bit on the edges and that should satisfy them.” The crowd cheered. Gulping, Flim drew the electric shaver close to Flam’s face. “A-are you sure, brother?” He whispered now. “It’s still untested!” Flam whispered back through clenched, grinning teeth. “If you don’t they’re going to lynch us, brother…” Resolute to the fate that awaited them, Flim carefully moved the shaver towards the tip of one side of his brother's mustache. All was fine for the moment, as the mustache was trimmed upon the edges by the device until suddenly, it got tangled up mysteriously around the serrated teeth pulling Flam’s mustache and the flesh of his face, clean off from the skull. Screaming in agony, the fleshless face of Flam spewed blood across the crowd’s gawking faces as he ran around in circles several times before collapsing onto the ground, dead, leaving his brother horrified and sobbing at the foot of his brother’s corpse. “N-noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!” “Hey!” A voice called out from the crowd. “That could had killed us!” “Yeah! I’m angry! Let’s kill him!” “Grab your pitchforks!” “I have a comedy plushied hammer!” “That’ll do!” Flim, clearly outnumbered, ran for his life. He galloped hard, only looking back every now and again to note how close his pursuers were and then once at a safe distance, he toned down his speed into a steady gallop, huffing through his nose as tears streamed down his cheeks. "B-brother! Oh brother!" BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP! Unfortunately for the final brother, he was not exactly looking where he was going and had found himself in the direct path of Ponyville Express that was carrying a weeks supply of Playmare magazine, to which, unfortunately, the driver was clopping over. Unable to note the stallion’s path, the driver barely realized what had happened until Flim exploded into a flurry of gore that was scattered across the train tracks. Author's Note This chapter’s unlucky winners are: omegapex and Diamond dust for their shaving mishap idea with Flim and Flam, and Xzrea for death by Ponyville Express. Special props to FrozenInTime for the dildobat, because that shit I find The Rock coming in was just a pun I had to do. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO SEE NEXT?! Comment in the section below goddamnit and I will choose a few and write something around it! I cannot guarantee it will be what you want.
