Running towards the town, the sound of fire and wood snapping filling the air

Diamond gives Applebloom a weak smile "This should be... interesting, right?"

"Ah hope not, an' knowin' our luck, Scoots is involved" Applebloom mutters grimly, her eyes fixed on the blaze

Applebloom and co. come to a halt, Scootaloo riding a large turtle, reigns in its mouth "HI GUYS!!"

Silver groans "She made a kaiju, after we told her not to? Why am I surprised?"

Sweetie shivers, a grin spreading across her face "I... I... IT'S GAMERA!!! HOLY BEANS, IT'S GAMERA!! I CAN'T BELEIVE IT!!"

Diamond stares up at Scootaloo, the thin athlete trying to control the humongous turtle "How did you get the reigns on it?"

Scootaloo grins "Simple! I put a bit full of cucumbers in the middle and hung it from two buildings! Now I just need to- WHOA!" the turtle shakes its head slowly "Break in the guy! I wonder what Rainbow Dash will think!!"

Applebloom crosses her arms "Why does that matter?!"

Babs gulps "I know I ain' been here in a while, but ain' dat Rainbow's pet tortoise? Bank or somethin'?"

Suddenly, Sweetie's enthusiasm disappears "Oh beans... it is Tank..."

Scootaloo rolls her eyes "Well, duh! Where else am I supposed to get a tortoise?! The pet shop banned me and after the time I tried to extract bird semen to grow wings, Fluttershy doesn't let me near any of her animals! So, I went to the one place I could find a tortoise, Rainbow Dash's house. I got Pinkie to help me turn Tank the tortoise into TANK, THE WALKING AMPHIBI-TERROR!!"

Everyone stares in awe at Scootaloo's mount, the usually calm Tank now obviously annoyed and pissed at being turned into a mount the size of town hall

Applebloom shakes her head and walks towards the acres "Nope! Nopenopenopenopenopenope! NOPE!! Not gonna deal with this, goin' home to bed, wake me up when this is over and we're back in sane Ponyville"

Silver nods, rubbing her head "Count me in too 'Bloom. You coming Babs?"

Babs grins wickedly "An' leave dis once in a lifetime opportunity?! Ya gotta be crazy ta leave such a... treasure of possibilities! I always said, grab opportunity when it knocks, woo it, an' then get its package!" she runs around Tank and walks up his tail, sitting next to Scootaloo "Can we build another 'copter thing wit' chairs an' junk? Oh! Make it like... durable, light steel! We can attach all sorts off weapons on 'im! Think of all th' possibilities!"

Scootaloo stares at Babs, eyes wide "I think I love you..."

Sweetie pouts and pets the side of Tank's jaw, the large reptile lowering his head as if to listen to her

Whispering to him, he nods and Sweetie clambers atop his head before sitting between Scootaloo and Babs "This could be fun! Come on guys, this could be our chance for some adventure!"

Diamond looks from Tank to Silver and Applebloom "I... I think I'll stick with Applebloom and Silv, but have fun? I guess?"

Scootaloo nods, grinning again "Forward Tank! We are to get to the forge by sunset in order to give you the armor and armaments you require!!"

Tanks seems to sigh and takes a large step forward, still moving at his usual pace

Babs shrugs "Ain' fast yet, but when we're done, we'll be unstoppable!!"

Sweetie rolls her eyes "I think that our sisters will stop us eventually"

Scootaloo blows a raspberry "Come on! They'll never notice anything's wrong! I guarantee it!"

Yeah, they'll never notice a giant tortoise with three riders and the fact that there was an explosion that could be seen for miles and half the stalls at market a smoldering mess... no one will notice that at all... Diamond thinks to herself, watching the giant lumber away

Silver sighs "Please don't tell me that the three of us are the only sane and reasonable ones in our group..."

"Okay, ah won't"

"That's not what I meant Applebloom"

Applebloom shrugs "Ah guess humor ain't my thing. Wanna put out these fires 'fore we get in trouble?"

Both girls nod, stomping on the tongues of fire

After successfully extinguished the flames with few casualties (A pair of Italian flats and a pair of name-brand slippers) the three girls decide to head towards Sweet Apple Acres, the one place where hopefully the trio of destruction could not get them

Applejack checks her phone, her eyes widening at the text from Twilight

Applejack, how is your morning so far? Mine was quite fair until I beheld A GIANT FREAKING TURTLE LUMBERING TOWARDS MY HOUSE

I also beheld the figures of not only Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle, but also your cousin Babs Seed RIDING THE GIANT FREAKING TURTLE LUMBERING TOWARDS MY HOUSE

I am a reasonable person by nature, and I expect a somewhat predictable routine, especially in the morning, but I must say that so far, my morning is anything but BECAUSE TWO OF THE THREE BIGGEST DANGERS TO TOWN AND YOUR COUSIN ARE RIDING A GIANT FREAKING TURTLE LUMBERING TOWARDS MY HOUSE

I must, as is my nature to be thorough in my messages and statements that, I can, with absolute certainty beyond a shadow of a doubt, without question, state, for the record, on everything that is holy and dear to me and the world at large, that I beheld SCOOTALOO, SWEETIE BELLE, AND YOUR MANEHATTENITE COUSING BABS SEED RIDING, WITH REIGNS IN THE MOUTH OF A GIANT, HUMONGOUS, FREAKING "OH HOLY SHIT WHAT IS THAT?!?!?!" AMPHIBIOUS TURTLE LUMBERING AT A SLOW, CONSTANT PACE TOWARDS MY PLACE OF RESISDENCE, WHEREIN I AM CURRANTLY STANDING.

I would appreciate a fast, if not instant, reply to my above message otherwise I will possibly become a homeless, inconsolable mess of a person with the whole hearted intent of murdering ALL THREE GIRLS CURRENTLY RIDING ON A FREAKING TURTLE LUMBERING TOWARDS MY HOUSE

-Your friend, Twilight "Twilightlicious" Deirdre Sparkle

Applejack stares at her phone, re-reading the message several times, even saying it aloud in her best Twilight impression, and yet she still couldn't believe what she was reading

"... Just gonna be on of those days, ain't it?"

Out of the corner of her eye, Applebloom waves at her, her clothes blackened with ash "Hey sis"

Applejack waves, watching the two other girls with her walk past shoeless and covered in ash as well

"... Applebloom?"

Applebloom sits next to her "Yeah sis?"

"You didn't have anything to do with a giant turtle being ridden by Sweetie, Scoots, an' Babs do you?"

Applebloom shakes her head "Nope, ah was stompin' out fires near th' market. Ah know about th' tortoise though. That's Tank, Rainbow Dash's pet, remember?"

Applejack nods, her mind on auto-pilot "Ah remember. So... mind tellin' me why he's giant?"

"Ah don't know how he's giant, but from what ah understand, Pinkie Pie did somethin' to him that made him huge" Applebloom replies

Applejack sighs "Go inside, Ah have to go stop Twi from killin' ya friends... again"

Applebloom nods and enters the house, Applejack walking towards town Ah need some kind of help dealin' with this kinda junk...

"I WILL DRINK YOUR ENBTRAILS THROUGH A STRAW!!!" Twilight screams, trying to jump on Tank's back, sharpened ruler in hand

Babs looks down at her feeble attempts to get on Tank's back "... Does she do dis often?"

Sweetie nods "About once a month, I think it's her form of dealing with her-"

"LALALALALALALALAAA!!! I CAN'T HEAR YOU!!!" Scootaloo yells, covering her ears

"YOU WILL BEG FOR MERCY WHEN I AM- eep!" Twilight trips, launching her head over heels into a rolling spin

Sweetie giggles "She looks like a wheel"

Babs nods "She does, don't she? Where is dis 'forge' ya were talkin' about?"

Scootaloo grins "We're almost there, it's the old airfield near the piers. We can use some of the junk there to build whatever we want. I do own it of course, being rich"

Babs rolls her eyes "An how're we supposed ta bend, melt, or even form metal parts? I don't suppose you have an actual forge an' smelter do ya?"

"Duh, of course I do, I bought a bunch, including tools, and how to do that sort of thing in preparation for Armageddon, the zombie apocalypse, the second return of Fixer Christ, alien invasions, and other things!"

Sweetie rolls her eyes "Scootaloo, the zombie apocalypse won't be for another 100 years, and the second return of Fixer Christ will be 20 years after that. We're okay so long as none of us become immortal or have incredible longevity"

Tank snorts

Babs frowns "Of course, our Gamera will prolly outlive us anyways so... sorry about dat big guy"

Tank snorts again, rolling his eyes as they crest a hill

Sweetie smiles "You guys thinking what I'm thinking?"

"You to strip naked and hump Tank's shell until we get to the forge?"

"Go out for pizza wit' clams, pineapple, anchovies, 5 cheeses, and squid on top?

Sweetie shakes her head "No, know what it feels like to be riding a koopa as it spins down a hill. But I don't think that Tank'll do that"

Tank pauses and stops at the beginning of the downhill slope. Pulling his legs and head in, he slams his tail into the ground and launches himself down the hill, all three girls trying in vain to hold onto the reigns

First, Sweetie Belle lost her grip, tossed off and through Berry Punch's open window, landing on the sleeping woman "I'm up! I'm up! I was watching the zombies! I swear!!"

Sweetie Belle looks up at her, dazed "Good morning miss Punch... I just got flung off a turtle..."

Second, Scootaloo lost hers, launching her into Ditzy doo, whom had been watching the whole spectacle

Having caught Scootaloo, she looks down at the girl "Are you okay?"

Scootaloo shakes her head, noticing where her head was placed Holy crap they feel like clouds stuffed with downy feathers and sunshine!!

Finally, Babs loses her grip, launching her into "Sofas and Quills", landing in a bucket of quills nib up "OH HOLY MOTHER OF GLOB IT HURTS! IT FEELS LIKE WHEN I THOUGHT IT WAS A GOOD IDEA TO WEAR BOTTOMLESS JEANS NEAR A HORNET'S NEST!!!"

Davenport, the proprieter of the store, sighed "I know how that feels, I've mooned my share of hives..."

And Tank forgot one thing about that hill in particular...

That is was a step one and had a smaller hill at the end before reaching waterfront

I... appear to have made a grave error in my... attempt at mimicking the videogame turtles... oh de- BY THE GREAT SEAS! I'M FLYING WITHOUT MY HELIPACK, THIS IS STUPENDOUS!! Oh look, the ocean is here to welcome me Tank thought to himself, spinning through the air, over the beachfront and landing in the ocean, a giant ripple that turned into a wave several meters tall cresting onto the beach

Board Wax was an avid surfer and had seen a number of strange things in his lifetime

A giant, flying, spinning turtle took the cake by leaps and bounds

"OH HOLY MOTHER OF FIXER CHRIST!!" he yelled, filming it's simple arc into the ocean with his water-proof phone

And upon splashdown, highly trained surfer instinct kicked in, telling him that an awesome wave was coming

"BEST. BIRTHDAY. EVER!!!!" he yelled, swimming out to it

Applejack finds Twilight hanging from a tree, her clothes and hair in disarray "... Ah'm afraid to ask Sugarcube, but what the hay happened?"

Twilight sighs "I was chasing them, tripped on something that turned my fall into a wheeling nightmare, and then launched off a rock that sent me into this tree"

Applejack nods "Sounds about right. Need some help down?"

"No, I'm enjoying the different perspective this gives me"

Shrugging, Applejack sees Sweetie Belle walk out of Berry Punch's house "What happened to you?"

"I lost my best friend..." she mutters

Applejack raises an eyebrow "How?"

Sweetie sighs "It all started when I ripped..." she pauses, turning around exposing a ripped pair of pants "My pants...*"

After being set down by the mail girl, Scootaloo runs towards the pier "I hope that Babs and Sweetie are okay..."

"Good, just got literal butt-hurt..." Babs mutters, walking out of the store

Scootaloo nods, not slowing down as she watches Tank's massive shell breach the surface "... Okay, I gotta say, that looked pretty awesome"

Babs nods, racing towards the beach "Wonder where Sweetie is?"

Scootaloo smirks "Probably stalling until we tell Tank to hide underwater until we can get him into the hangers"

After finishing her story, Sweetie reaches into her bag and pulls out a grey ball "SMOKE BOMB!!"

The whole street is filled by thick, black smoke, blinding Applejack

A loud crack echoes from somewhere within the cloud as it clears, Applejack wiping her eyes, looking for Sweetie Belle "What th' hay just happened?"

Twilight, still stuck in the tree, sighs "She distracted you with her song and blinded you with a smoke bomb. It's a common tactic for eluding confrontation"

Applejack nods "Sounds about right, where do ya recon they were goin'?"

"Well, turtles-"

"It's a tortoise, that was Dash's pet"

"... Okay, tortoises are amphibious creatures, but unlike turtles, they seem to prefer earthy terrain over aquatic. So they must be taking him to the pier to hide underwater. Or they could be heading to the air hangers and try to hide him there. The former is smarter because we'd need sonar to find a huge tortoise underwater, but then we'd have to either monitor them or spend several hours with a whole fleet of ships to find him. And still, it'd be very unlikely that we'd even find him, even at that size"

Applejack nods before taking off running "Ah'll go check out th' hangers, you check th' ocean"

Twilight groans "I would if I could, but I'm STUCK IN A FREAKING TREE UPSIDE-DOWN!!"

Scootaloo looks around the pier "You'd think that someone would've seen a giant tortoise come down the hill..."

Board Wax walks past them, his board under an arm "That was your tortoise?"

Babs shakes her head "Not technically 'ours' per se... we know th' owner an' are responsible for him, but we don't own him"

Board shrugs "Whatev's anyways, if you guys are looking for him, he landed about half a nautical from the high tide point. See you girls later!"

Sweetie counts on her fingers "So... close enough for my Propellant emitting, nautically inclined searcher!"

Babs rubs her eyes, trying not to laugh "Sweets, what does dat spell? Think about it fer a second"

Sweetie pauses, focusing before blushing like she had sunburn "P-P-P.E.N.I.S...?"

Scootaloo clutches her chest, cackling "O-oh my sides! I think that- HAHAHA!! Pl-plan the ac-acronyms in advance!! Bwahahaha!!!"

Sweetie starts wringing her hands "I... I... I don't... It's an accident..."

Grinning, Babs places a hand on her shoulder "I'm sure it is Sweets, can your- snrk!- PENIS find Tank?"

She nods, pulling out a small disk before tossing it into the water

"Why'd you throw-"

A loud beep emits from Sweetie's C.U.N.T.**, the girl presses a number of buttons and from the ocean, a small submarine rises, several seats of plush leather within

"... HOW?! That disc was the size of a Frisbee! That makes no sense!!"

Sweetie rolls her eyes "It's science, I don't have to explain beans to you"

Babs grins "Sweets, ya may be a girly-girl, but dang if ya can't do awesome things!!"

Sweetie smiles, the top of the sub opening "Come on! We have a tortoise to find!"

Scootaloo shrugs "Not the strangest thing I've heard someone say, come on Babs, we have an adventure waiting!"

Hopping into the ship, the top lowers, Sweetie grinning as the submarine descends

"Scoots, stop making faces at the fishies" Sweeties says, looking around the sea floor "That guy said that Tank landed around here but where is he?"

Babs shrugs, waving to an octopus with a bow-tie "Beats me, maybe he's hiding?"

Scootaloo removes her mouth from the glass dome "How could he hide? He's the size of a house!"

"Hide a fallen leaf in a forest..." Sweetie mutters

"Doesn't dis thing have a translator like in Jenny Quark? Ya know th' one, that let 'em talk to dat giant octopus ta get the sunken treasure?"

Sweetie rolls her eyes "No, that's ridiculous! Why would I need something like that?"

"You have a time machine, a Frisbee sized submarine, a bag that's bigger on the inside, a sonic-whatchamacallit, a laser gun, smoke bombs, a compact hover board, and god knows what else in that bag of yours, and you don't have an animal translator?" Scootaloo asks, counting off on her fingers

Sweetie blushes "Okay, I might have something like an animal translator..." she reaches into her bag and pulls out an S&M bit "Please don't ask why it looks like this, I don't know why, but it just is..."

Babs grins "What's it called?"

"The translator with all of the tongues!" Sweetie chirp before blushing "... Or the T.W.A.T...."

Scootaloo takes it "Seems like it's pretty straight forward, what do I do?"

"You basically think what language or species you want to speak in and talk with it in your mouth"

"Cool, mind buckling it Babs?"

"... I had no idea ya were th' submissive type Scoots"

Scootaloo rolls her eyes "Thou hast wounded me with thy words dear Barbara, and I will simply reply with, your mother"

Babs blinks "Fancy speak?"

Scootaloo nods "It would appear so. Allow me the chance to remedy that with the tongue with which we are in need of"

Sweetie giggles "You sound like VP Luna when she visited"

Scootaloo makes a short crackling noise before motioning to the microphone Sweetie had in her hand

A series of long crackles and breaths come from her mouth, a small mountain shifting in response

Babs stares at Sweetie wide-eyed "Sweets, you are possibly the smartest person ever"

She blushes, twirling a lock of her hair around her finger "Oh stop... I'm nothing special..."

Scootaloo speaks again, the mountain turning around, a dazed looking face looking at them

Babs shivers "I... I don't think that's the Tank we're looking for..."

Sweetie squints before nodding "Nope, that's a humongous sea turtle. Wait, if that isn't Tank, then how on earth is there another giant reptile?!"

Scootaloo shakes her head "I am not to blame for this incredibly exciting yet fear-inducing turn of events. Oh dear god above, I am speaking like an old English escort"

The sea turtle stares at them "Who... is this... 'Tank' of which you... speak?"

Scootaloo looks around the cabin, eyes wide "I implore you my dear friends, tell me that I was not the only one amongst our number that heard the large turtle speak to us in our native tongue?"

Babs nods slowly "I heard it too Scoots, I heard it too"

Sweetie shakes her head "Uh... Tank is a giant tortoise that landed around here about an hour ago?"

The sea turtle nods "Ah, him. He is in that direction, bottom-up and dazed. I cannot say for certain if he is still there, but that was where he was last. If I were you, I'd make tracks for him, tortoises are not aquatic in nature like I am"

All three girls nod, heading in the direction indicated

Several moments of stunned silence pass before Scootaloo breaks the silence "My friends, I think it would be in our best interests if we took what just transpired to our graves and never spoke of it again. I am sure I will hold my tongue"

Sweetie and Babs nod, stares fixed on the form of an upside-down tortoise's shell

Applejack closes the last hanger, sweat on her face "Dang... must be hiding him underwater then... what a world ah live in"

Rainbow Dash swims by, tight latex swimsuit shimmering with droplets "What's the good word Hayseed?"

Applejack sighs "Nothin' much, just lookin' for your pet"

"Tank? Why would you be looking for him here?"

"He grew huge, rode by Sweetie, Scootaloo, an' Babs, scared the crap outta Twi, an' she suspects they're hidin' him either in th' hangers or underwater... an' she's supposed to be gettin' the water"

Rainbow stares at her friend "What the fuck are you two smoking and can I have some?

"Ah ain't takin' any drugs! Twi might need some... look behind ya"

Rainbow glares "Don't hit me on the back of the head or... whoa"

Trudging out of the water is Tank, a small submarine next to him

"... I must have gotten a contact high from you..." Rainbow mutters, swimming towards the sub

Something moves inside of it before opening, Scootaloo grinning at her idol "Hi Rainbow! I made Tank awesome! Watch those meat-heads at your job make fun of him now!"

Rainbow blinks at her before poking Scootaloo's forehead "Okay, not a hallucination... and that means that's... Tank..."

Sweetie ushers Babs and Scootaloo out before pressing a button on the P.E.N.I.S.'s control panel, the submarine beeps and folds into itself, a small disk sitting where the sub once was

Babs shakes her head "If that ain't fridge science, I don't know what is"

"Fringe, and no, it's not, but thanks anyways!" Sweetie says, putting it in her bag

Scootaloo points to Tank who was making his way to the closest hanger, Applejack watching in equal parts horror and awe "Isn't this cool?! Me and the girls are gonna put armor, weapons, a helicopter thingy, and a... what do you call those things that the captain sits in?"

"A bridge?"

"Yeah, that!"

Rainbow grins back at Scootaloo "This is awesome! I have a freaking monster tortoise! If he's able to fly again... I can orgasm just from the thought... uhuhuhuhu~"

Scootaloo fist pumps "Success!! Okay, Sweetie, you start drawing up blueprints and Babs, you get Tank's measurements!"

Both girls salute, running towards the hanger

Applejack snaps out of her stupor "Wha- ya can't be serious about this!"

Rainbow rolls her eyes "Come on Hayseed, we're talking about my pet being an actual tank!! A flying amphibious Tank! This is like my second biggest dream!"

Applejack groans, putting her head in her hands "An' what's the first?"

"Simple, compete in track, swimming, the pole-vault, gymnastics, wrestling, boxing, curling, archery, and the triathlon in the Olympics and place. Why do you think I've been pushing myself to become the best at every sport since grade school?" Rainbow asks, crossing her arms

Applejack looks up, astonished "That's... that's actually a half-decent dream Rainbow... if that does happen, ah'll be cheering ya on"

Sweetie runs over to them "Uh... good news or bad first?"

Scootaloo shrugs "The bad I guess"

"Tank shrunk"

Rainbow jerks her head to Sweetie "What?"

"Good news is, he can control how big and how small he is!"

Scootaloo stares at Sweetie "Are you okay Sweetie?"

"Of course! Anyways, I'll go back to my lab and get some blueprints and stuff and meet you back here tomorrow!"

Skipping away, rainbow shakes her head slowly "Next time I see Rares, I'm telling her to get her tested, because if she's that smart and somehow not insane or crazy like all the geniuses on TV, something must be wrong with her"

Babs walks towards them, carrying regular-sized Tank under her arm "'Ere ya go, I'm headin' to see Silv an' my cuz. Same time tomorrow?"

Scootaloo nods, Rainbow holding Tank who smiles at her "We're going to have a long talk later about what you can do little guy. But for now, I need something sweet and alcoholic. To Sugarcube Corner!!" grinning, Rainbow sprints off the beach, Scootaloo right behind her

Applejack rubs her face, tired "Ah need some sane friends..."

Author's Note

*

Seriously, if you made this connection when she said she lost her best friend, you are good

**

I apologize for the rampant jokes, I just got a new coffee maker and... kinda hyper at the moment

Lyra: I can't feel my tongue...

Then wait for the coffee to cool dum-dum.

Lyra: Yeah yeah... We're out of sake by the way

Why on earth do you drink in the middle of the day?

Lyra: a glass of alcohol is good for you

That's wine and go get me my absinthe, I'm starting to become lucid again

(Some say that Absinth drove Picasso and Van Gogh crazy... I have to agree)