Hair (UN-edited

There I layed, surrounded by my friends, with an unknown taste in my mouth. Everything was pointing towards drugs. But my friends were to dumb to even get their hands on them.

"Mmmmm... Nnnngghhh!"  I moaned

"Is the ass licker awake?"

"Phhhh, What the hell is in my mouth" I asked them

"Ha ha ha!"

"Really Jimmy, really, it was you" I said looking at the man identified as Jimmy

"Hell yeah it was" Jimmy said

"Asshole, so who else had a part in this ass licking?" I asked them

"All of us"

"Damn it Danny" I said looking at him

"Yeah" Danny said

"So what did you do?" I questioned them

"I think the real question is how did horse ass taste?"

"You fed me horse ass!" I yelled

"I guess you could say that"

"You, John are a shitty friend" I said, looking at my shitty friend

"You could also say that" John said

"Hey at least we didn't feed you Ron's dirty underpants" Danny said

"Hey my underpants taste better than yours" Ron said

"Are you implying that you know how my dick and your dick taste?" Danny said

"Asshole" Said Ron

"Hey let's let Oliver here tell us how it tasted" John said

"I guess it would be however horse ass tastes" I said, 'making an inference' as my English teacher would say

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So nows probably as good a time as any to tell you what just happened. But hopefully your smart enough to realize that my friends are assholes. Now, let me explain them to you, so hopefully you'll get something out of it. Their names are, Danny, he's normal. He has jet black hair, green eyes. Alyways wears hoodies (The one who makes dirty jokes about dicks), Jimmy, not to be racist but his SKIN is jet black. He's pretty big, buff, short, stalker (That black dude who sits in the corner and stalks girls), John, bronwn hair, piercing blue eyes, tries to show of his ass to girls, alyways wears muscle shirts,  (The big beef head who flexes once and has a storm of girls trying to 'throw themselves at him' for lack of better term), Ron, wears the weirdest shirts you could think of, I mean take the weirdest person you've ever seen, times them by ten, and you have Ron (The one that shits in the filter tank at party's), and me, my name is Oliver, I have brown eyes, with black hair, I'm pretty buff, I've got a girlfriend, but I'm the one that gets pounded on by the bullies, who pounds on the bullies,  (In all I'm the guy that gets pranked and ends up punching a guy in the gut even though John is the strong one). We're all 18 around years old and are about to start college after one more year. Yipee! Shitty learning! You just can't beat it now can you!

Now what just happened happens to be my friends force feeding me what they call horse ass. Don't ask me what it really was because chances are it was horse ass but it also had drugs in it or something like that (with the way I acted that night I'm not sure if I was on drugs). Anyway, I guess I should go into better detail. I started of like any other night (with the exeption that normal nights for me are full of arguing with my 9 year old sister about who gets the couch, yes I'm a terrible brother, but when your sisters an ass and wants to either play with you every night or have you watch her shows with you your gonna be an ass!).

"Oliver" A voice said coming up from behind me

"What do you need Ron, you here to talk more about which girls are the sexiest?" I said. Yeah he's really messed up.

"No. weren't we supposed to be coming over?" He asked me

"Oh shìt. I forgot. And I had plans with the principle. Guess I'll have to tell him another family emergency came up. What should it be this time. I'm thinking that my cousins grandma passed and she wants me there to support her. And yes I know that sounds like she my girlfriend" I told him. What would a good excuse be? Hmm...

"How about your cousin got pregnant and wants 'Everyone' there to support her" Jimmy said coming up out of no where

"Not bad Mr. Black" John said also coming out of no where

"So where's Danny? Did he switch places with you, Ron, and is shitting on the gym floor?" I said

"That was a one time thing!" Ron said yelling at me.

"Yeah but you want to do it agin don't you, but this time you should piss on the floor to" Danny said finally coming up

"Speak of the devil" John said

"Na, more like speak of the dick" I said

"So what do you want to do tonight? And no more shitting in the filter Ron" I told him

"fine I'll just shit on you" he muttered under his breath

"I'll help!" John said.

"Yeah well I'll see you guys later. I've got to go tell the principle that my cousins pregnant and wants me to support her" I said grinning ear to ear and walking towards the office

"Good luck!" They all called back knowing that this was my 15th time having to get out of the principles office.

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________

"So you mean to tell me that your cousin is pregnant and you need to support her?" The principle said

"Yup" I told him

"and it isn't your kid? And your not making this up?" He said, holy Shit he was slow.

"On a normal day I would tell you to go kiss my ass and sit down. But you know what, since your excuses are not usually this out there im prepared to just let you go and give you 3 more detentions to add on to your 6" He said to me.

"Thank you! I just really have to be there an-"

"Shut up and just go, it's been a long day and I'm sure the real reason behind this is another party so just go" He said interrupting me half way through.

"Thanks!" I said running out

That actually worked! Now dont get me wrong it's worked before but that was before I got my reputation in my freshmen year. So what how am I supposed to get home? I missed my bus, I can't walk, and I'm not calling my mom to tell her I got in trouble again. That would end in a big Ass whipping. Hmm... I know! I'll just get on another bus! What is my little sisters bus number... Umm, I think it's 69... Or maybe that's just Danny's influence... Nope it's definitely 69. Time to tread where no mans gone before a place numbered 69 with my sister... Uhhh, yeah. Don't read this mom.

I started walking towards the her school. "Hmm" 5 minutes till she gets out of school. And.. Theres number 69! I ran over to it and knocked on the door. It opened to reveal the grungiest man ever. This dude looked like he actually chose number 69 on purpose!

"What do you need" he asked me in a gruff voice

"I'm here for sister" I said to the dude

"Brother!" I was so rudely interrupted in the middle of my sentence.

"Whatcha need sis?" I said trying to keep my cool. Now here's where I explain what she looks like. She's pretty much looks like redneck repunzel. Except somehow she makes it cute. As for a name? I call her Asshole but her real name is Sue.

"Why did you come? Is it just another one of those things that's you being selfish?" She asked me. Good god this girl is perceptive. Still an Asshole, but perceptive. Hmmm... What excuse. I think I'm gonna need the bullshit meter. So how about something simple like... I just wanted to see you... *ERRRRR* 89 bullshit points. That's bad. How about

Mom told me... *DING* 26 bullshit points. Not bad, but if I said that she would tell me off and I would have no way home.

How about...

I'm hanging out with my friends for the whole night so I thought I would ride with you since I don't want you bothering me later... *DING* 8 bullshit points, We have a winner!

"Hello, Oliver?" She started trying to get my attention "I came because my friends will be with me all night and I thought I would ride with you so you dont bother me tonight. Come on bullshit meter don't fail me now! "Oh... Okay. I sit back here!" She said obviously happy that I came even with the reason why(like I said, if you put me on a scale of good brother that list 1-100, I would be -1000)

She pointed me to the back of the bus and sat down in the back "You can sit right there since Hanna's not here" she said. I plopped down onto the seat and closed my eyes. Completely oblivious to my sisters comments (I'm a -1000 so I have an excuse) I quickly got to sleep. Ahh! Good ole sleep!

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

"BIG BRO" A voice yelled in my ear "Shit! What do you need?" I asked the voice (now identified as my sister) "were home. And you fell asleep halfway there and, and, sniff, (she actually says the sniffing noise) you just left me hangin! I thought you were cool, but instead your just 20% lamer!" She said, yelling the last parts. "Is that good or bad?" I asked her "bad! Brothers are supposed to care for their sisters!" She roared at me

And the winner for most times called an asshole (my sister just suggests it)... *Ding Ding Ding* Me! With an overwhelming 693 times per usual, every week! "Is this what fairyland brothers do? Or is it what gay brothers do?" I asked her "and now your using bad language! Why can't you just be nice!" Jeez, everyone's a critic. You just can't  fall asleep on the bus without waking  up to screaming girls and other atrocities these days. She ran out crying as where I just walked out casually into the house.

How to play this off... How about some good old brotherly love! "Listen here sis if you tell on mom I will never ever make sure youll be scheduled for weekly swirlies!" I yelled out to her before she reached the door. Now she, by some miracle (or curse) she heard that and stopped running. I walked up to her and saw tears running down her face. "If you don't stop crying I'm going to get in trouble! So stop it and act like nothing happened!" I roared at her this time. Yes, at a site that would have made even the coldest hearts melt somewhat, I was still being an asshole. "Fine!" She said sucking up the tears and walking into the house.

Another problem solved by the worst brother in the world! Cue congratulations music!

I heard a car pull up behind me. "Now time to endure living hell" I said, scared for what was to come.

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

And that brings us to about now. You see, during that night, we played video games, are pizza, crapped in the filter tanks, stalked woman, and pranked my sister. When we went to bed. I woke up at that scene with the stuff in my mouth.

"So what was it really?" I asked

"Oh, it was your sisters stuffed animals ass hair" Danny said

"Shit! That was her favorite! Oh man if she rats me out then I'll never be able to hang out with you ass holes again!" I yelled at them "Do we still have time to get another?"

"maybe if we rush, we have about 2 hours to locate another one" Ron said answering my question

"Jimmy, do you know where to get one!" I asked him

"The store" he dead panned

"The what?" I asked him

"The store, it's where you buy stuff" He said, continuing the deadpan

"To this store you speak of?!"  I said as we tiptoed out of my room and into the outdoors. We got in Ron's car and drove off. I got bored of the radio and plugged in my phone. Time for some not so kid friendly shit.

Ohhh. Uhhhh No No No

By:Eminem (Viewer discretion is advised. Everything is bleeped but i still made my point that we arnt kids hopefully)

See, I don't.. know why

I liked you so much,

I gave you all of my trust

I told you.. I loved you..

Now that's all down the drain

You put me through pain

I wanna let you know how I feel

.:CHORUS:.

**** what I said.. It don't mean shit now..

**** the presents, might as well throw 'em out..

**** all those kisses, they didn't mean jack..

**** you, you ***.. I don't want you back..

They call me superman, leap tall **** in a single bound

I'm single now, got no ring on this finger now

I'd never let another chick bring me down, in a relationship

Save it *****, babysit, you make me sick

Superman ain't savin' shit, girl you can jump on Shady's ****

Straight from the hip, cut to the chase, I tell a ************' ****, to her face

Play no games, say no names, ever since I broke up with what's her face

I'm a different man, kiss my *** kiss my lips, ***** why ask

Kiss my ****, get my cash, i'd rather have you whip my ass

Don't put out, i'll put you out, won't get out, i'll push you out

Puss blew out, poppin' shit, wouldn't piss on fire to put you out

Am I too nice, buy you ice, ***** if you died, I wouldn't buy you life

What you tryin' to be my new wife, what you Mariah, fly through twice...

But I do know one thing though, ******* they come they go

Saturday through Sunday, Monday, Monday through Sunday yo'

Maybe i'll love you one day, maybe we'll someday grow

Till then just sit your drunk ass on that ******' runway **'...

.:CHORUS:.

**** what I said.. It don't mean shit now..

**** the presents, might as well throw 'em out..

**** all those kisses, they didn't mean jack..

**** you, you ***.. I don't want you back..

You thought.. you could.. Keep this shit from me..

Yeah, you burned bitch.. I heard the story..

You played me.. You even gave him head..

Now you're asking for me back..

You're just another hag..

Look elsewhere 'cause you're done with me..

.:CHORUS:.

**** what I said.. It don't mean shit now..

**** the presents, might as well throw 'em out..

**** all those kisses, they didn't mean jack..

**** you, you ***.. I don't want you back..

You questioned.. Did I care?

You can ask anyone.. I even said you were my great one..

Now it's.. over..

But I do admit I'm sad..

It hurts real bad..

I can't sweat that cos I loved a ***..

.:CHORUS:.

**** what I said.. It don't mean shit now..

**** the presents, might as well throw 'em out..

**** all those kisses, they didn't mean jack..

**** you, you ***.. I don't want you back..

oh, oh, uh huh, yeah..

oh, oh, uh huh, yeah..

oh, oh, uh huh, yeah..

oh, oh, uh huh, yeah..

oh, oh, uh huh, yeah..

oh, oh, uh huh, yeah..

oh, oh, uh huh, yeah..

oh, oh, uh huh, yeah..

(Repeat to fade)

"Why are you listening to that?"

"Cause I can" I said. Anyway, I'll skip the boring parts. Me went into the store, bought the toy. Got back into my house, shoved the toy in my sisters closet, and went back to bed.

My dream was very strange. I was in space. But walk-able space. With lasersharks (not really).

"Tonto, we're not opin Kansas anymore" I said (I ment Tonto)

"What?" I looked behind me and saw a small, sky blue, rainbow haired horse. The same type I bought for my sister.

"What?" I said

"What?" It said

"My friends drugged me didn't they?" I asked myself.

"What?" lIt said (It wasn't very bright)

"They drugged me" I said to it

"Oh. Okay" It said, trying to stop acting redundant.

"So." I said

"So, what's your name?" It asked.

"I'm Oliver" I said

"Cool I'm-"

"Let me guess! Your name is skittles!" I said, nailing its name

"No it's-"

"Shhh, don't you cry no more" I said petting her

"Get off!" The horse said

"Why" I asked

"Because! I'm the amazing, one and only, Rainbow Dash! Best flyer in Equestria!" She said flying up out of my arms an-Wait Flying! What the HELL! Oh I get it it's a dream thing.

"That's a terrible reason"

"Jerk" she said flying away. Only to hit an invisible barrier

"Ha!!!" I laughed at her

"So what do you want to do?" I asked Skittles. I didn't know what the hell just happened, but I was talking to the a horse in space with wings. And the introduction we had literally sucked ass. I mean, if I could I would change some of what I said but who really cares.

"I want to know where we are!" She yelled out, obviously just accepting the fact that we just had the worst intro humanly possible and pushed it off like it was nothing. So we just sat there. Until I felt a sharp pain in my ass.

P.S. Eat more skittles