Chapter 1: Where the Actual F**k are We?

        Derrick couldn’t remember much of what happened, all he knows is at the current moment he was falling through some sort of inky darkness that surrounded him from all sides. He couldn’t breath, he couldn’t speak, he couldn’t scream, hell he couldn’t even move or feel his own body. At first he panicked, but he then began to notice that he wasn’t being harmed in any way.

        “Am I dead? No wait, that is a stupid question; of course I am! The real question is where the hell am I? Hell? Heaven? Somewhere in between? Fuck, I don’t know, all this bullshit is making my head spin.” Derrick thought to himself.

        Derrick continued to fall through the inky blackness for some time. He didn’t know if it were for seconds, minutes, hours, years, or centuries. All he knew was that his patience was wearing thin…

“Oh my fucking god, I swear! If this is all there is to death, then death fucking sucks big major di-”

At that exact moment, Derrick then began to see a light in the direction he was falling. Though faint and small at first, it began to grow in intensity and size. Derrick Immediately assumed that this must have been the gateway to heaven. What else could it be?

“Heh, Maybe those religions were not entirely bullshit after all… Then again, if they were not entirely bullshit, why the hell am I of all people going to heaven. Oh well, best not question it. Pearly gates, here I come!” Derrick thought as he was about to hit the source of the light.

        Passing through the light, Derrick then could suddenly feel his body again; as well as the extreme agony it was in…

        Derrick let out a wail of pain as he suddenly found himself falling through the sky approximately two-hundred feet above the ground; he was falling very fast.

        “What the fuck is this shit? Pain? Falling to my death? This isn’t Heaven!!! This is Hell!!! LIGHT YOU BITCH!!! YOU LIED TO ME!!!” Derrick mentally complained, feeling very much betrayed.

        Derrick’s fall began to pick up speed as the earth below began to become closer and closer. Derrick assumed that he, if he even capable, was going to die on impact and he would find himself in darkness again. Where this cycle was going to be repeated again and again until the end of time as punishment for his shitty, wasted life. It was no less than he believed he deserved. So he just closed his eyes and let it happen, he didn’t even brace himself for impact.

        However, none of this happened as he began to feel himself slow down. It felt as if the air around him was getting thicker and he was getting lighter. Finally, he felt himself stop completely in midair. Opening his eyes, he found himself floating a mere inch above the ground; staring through a glaze of inky darkness. He down at his body to find that this shadowy aura was surrounding his entire body.

Before he had to to contemplate this strange energy, it released him; allowing him to fall an inch to the ground. Despite the short fall, he groaned in pain as he felt the huge sore on his belly. It hurt like a bitch, but was bearable...

What? Wait a second? Wasn’t I shot? Shouldn’t I be in more pain right now?” Derrick questioned as he slowly rolled over and lifted his shirt.

He found a huge bruise and a nasty scar where he was shot, but the life threatening wound had completely vanished. Besides for feeling very sore, Derrick was perfectly fine.

        Getting up with a grunt from the effort, Derrick began to feel thankful that he was alive; although he wasn’t entirely sure how. However, that was until he began to recall the events that lead up to him getting that wound. He remembered that night that he was trying to kill himself, nearly succeeding too; although by a different means than he was attempting. The brief thankfulness he had completely faltered.

“Why the fuck didn’t I just die?” Derrick thought grimly.

        Before Derrick could contemplate on his situation further, and explosion could be heard above him followed by someone screaming.

“FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-”

        Looking up, Derrick sees a man falling from the sky directly above him, flailing his arms and legs around in a poor attempt to fly. He was about to land directly on Derrick…

        “Shit!” Derrick yelled as he jumped out of the way, much to the complaint of his injuries.

        Derrick turned around, expecting the man to go splat on the ground where he once was. However, the man instead started to slow down as a familiar black inky aura surrounded him and stopped him an inch from the ground.

“-UUUUUUUUK!!!” The man finished when he finally realized that he was not going to die a horrible death.

The aura released him suddenly and he fell with a grunt of surprise. Quickly getting up he started looking around. He seemed to be in some sort of panic as he began frantically searching for something on the ground.

It took Derrick a couple of second, but he came recognize the young man as the bartender that serviced him last night. The bartender had not noticed him yet, so Derrick figured that this was good time to make himself known.

“Hey.” Derrick said.

The bartender suddenly spun around, apparently having found the thing he was looking for; a double barrel shotgun. Derrick felt his eyes grow wide

“SHIT!” The startled Bartender screamed as he fired blindly, blowing up a rock a few mere feet from Derrick’s leg.

“JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, DON’T SHOOT YOU DUMB MOTHERFUCKER!!!” Derrick screamed.

Derrick’s colorful warning did not help as the panicked bartender took aim for another shot. Not giving the bartender another opportunity, Derrick quickly ran up and grabbed the barrel of the shotgun with his left hand; pointing it away from himself. He followed up by jabbing the bartender’s face with his right hand, loosening his grip just enough for him to take the shotgun from him.

The bartender backed off, cowering as his weapon was taken from him. “Hey, hey! I didn’t mean to shoot! Please! Don’t kill me!” He shouted.

Derrick didn’t take aim at him, he instead popped the shotgun open and removed the shells, his intent to make the gun safe. Much to Derrick’s surprise, both rounds had been shot off already. He assumed that the bartender had fired off both rounds at him the first time he fired.

“Fucking idiot, he shot off both rounds at me on the first go. What was he expecting to do for the second go? Point it at me threateningly in hope I didn’t try anything!?” Derrick thought to himself as he turned his attention to the bartender.

“What the actual fuck is your malfunction?” Derrick asked sternly, as if he was scolding a child.

“I-I’m sorry man, you scared the hell outta me!” The man stuttered.

“Well I guess that makes two of us! Where the fuck did you learn to handle a gun!? I need to burn down their building before they train too many idiots like you!” Derrick yelled at the Bartender.

“Come on, man! I said I am sorry! It was a complete accident!” The bartender complained.

“Yeah, I am sure, but you should know that you NEVER point a gun at ANYONE unless you intend to use it. You are sure as hell are not getting this gun back! Not until you can prove you know how to handle it without blowing away the first person that taps your shoulder.” Derrick said sternly.

Things grew quiet between the two as they stared each other down. Derrick starring with anger as the bartender starred with fear. The only thing that could be heard at that exact moment was the sounds of nature all around. It was this sound that suddenly brought Derrick’s attention to his surroundings. They seemed to be in the middle of nowhere in a pasture of some sort bordering a dark and unsettling forest. The air was fresh and clean, the sounds of nature were peaceful and relaxing, and the surround environment (forest aside) was beautiful.

They were definitely not in their home town anymore. The bartender seemed to notice as well. They had been so engrossed in their yelling at each other that they had not realized they had no clue where they were.

The bartender was the first to bring up the question both had on their minds. “Where the actual fuck are we anyways?”

Derrick didn’t answer, mostly because he didn’t have answer. Otherwise, it was because he was just beginning feel the shock of everything that was happening. First, he tries to get himself killed, then he nearly succeeds, then he wakes up and nearly gets his leg blown off by an idiot, and finally realizes that he is here in this place and has no clue where the hell here is. To him, it was like some sort of nightmare.

A long delayed fear gripped Derrick as he looked in every direction, hoping to spark a memory, to recognize something that would explain how he got here. However, he found nothing. All he knows was that he nearly died, fell from the sky, and ended up here.

That is when it struck Derrick, when everything began to make sense.

“I obviously didn’t die, otherwise I wouldn’t be feeling pain and this other asshole wouldn’t be with me. Yet, somehow, I end up here, falling from the sky, with what should have been an lethal wound miraculously healed. There is only one explanation for this!”

“I think we have been abducted by aliens and left here on this planet as some sort of science experiment, sick entertainment, or prey for a bunch of ugly split faced aliens. This is the start of a shitty science fiction movie.” Derrick concluded.

The bartender stared at Derrick dumbly with a cell phone next to his ear. Apparently he was trying to see if he could get a signal before Darrick managed to break his concentration. “Are you fucking serious?” He asked.

“Come on! Think about it! We fell from the sky! THE SKY!!! This is exactly the same as the start point of that shitty predators movie except without the parachutes!” I argued.

“Yeah… I don’t really think that is the case, I am sure that we are just lost… somewhere.” The bartender tried to rationalize, continuing to fiddle with his phone. Derrick, however, was having none of it.

“BULLSHIT!!! WE FELL FROM THE MOTHERFUCKING SKY!!! We are obviously not on earth anymore!” Derrick yelled.

The bartender looked uneasy, staring at Derrick as if he lost it. In a sense, he would be kind of right. “Yeah, alright man… I can’t get a signal out here, so lets at least try to find a town. Before we jump to any conclusions…”

“100 dollars says I am right. We are not going to find a fucking town! If we do, it is going to be full of aliens that will either want to eat us, fuck us, fuck us in the mouth and impregnate us, or dissect us for science!”

“Yeah, man… Alright… sure. Now let’s go find that town, we don’t want to keep the nice aliens waiting…” The bartender said nervously.

Derrick knew at this point that the bartender thought he was off his rocker, but didn’t pay much mind to it. He knew he was right, though he kind of hoped he wasn’t. Those science fiction movies were kind of brutal sometimes…

The very thought of brutal death reminded him of something, this shotgun was not loaded. If they were to come across and alien, then they would not stand much of a chance. That was only unless they were wimpy aliens, and Derrick was not about to put money on that chance.

“You don’t happen to have extra ammo for this, do you?” Derrick asked as John was getting up.

The bartender seemed reluctant to respond. “I-I do, but I already hardly trust you with an unloaded shotgun.” The bartender replied.

“I think I won’t be blowing away anything that is human, unlike yourself who would shoot anything that moves. Plus, what happens if we come across wild life? You expect me to beat them into submission? I’m good, but I am not that good kiddo.” Derrick replied with a laugh.

The bartender was not amused. “First off, I am not a kid, I am 24 for fuck sakes. Lastly, I am not entirely sure you are all there at the moment. You are not getting these shells from me.” The bartender stated defiantly.

The bartender’s defiance annoyed Derrick, he didn’t have much patience left for his bullshit. Derrick figured he could just go and beat the living shit of him and take the ammo by force, but he was not that kind of person. He was the honorable type who would at least give the guy fair warning before he beat the shit out of him and take the ammo by force.

Derrick, deciding a intimidation act would be the best first course of action, began to dramatically play out his warning. “Alright kiddo, I’m sorry. Let’s start over. What is your name?” He asked calmly.

The bartender was still not amused by the little pet name he had been given, but answered anyways. “My name is John.”

“Last name?” Derrick then asked, setting the shotgun of the ground behind him with utmost care.

John was a bit confused about why he would care, but answered anyways. “Neth.” He said

“Well, alright ‘John Neth’, this is how this is going to play out. I will try to be reasonable…” Derrick said dangerously, reaching into his pockets. He was happy to find that his brass knuckles were still there.

Pulling them out and positioning them around his fingers, he took a intimidating step forward. Causing the bartender to take a step back. “Those shells you have there are needed for the shotgun. While I have no intention to use it, there is still the chance that I will have too; I can only assure that it will not be on you. Without those shells, that gun is about as useful for about as hard as you can swing it. For most wildlife, that mean utter shit.”

Derrick takes another step forward causing John to take another step back. “So to stop something from eating us, I need the ammo to kill it. Without the ammo to kill it we are fucked. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to be fucked, softly, violently, or otherwise.” He said with a laugh.

The bartender took another step back, cringing at Derrick’s disturbing metaphor. “I desperately don’t want to be fuck, so desperately that I might beat the living shit out of you to gain the tools necessary to prevent the rape you and I will receive otherwise. So I will ask you nicely once more…”

        Derrick puts on a sadistic smile to emphasize his point, knowing all too well that it would scare the shit out of John. “Please give me the fucking shotgun shells.”

It was not even a second later when John gave up the shotgun shells. This middle aged man scared the living shit out of him, and he didn’t think he would possibly have a chance in hand to hand combat with this terrifying being. When he first met this guy at the bar, he really did not picture him as a violent, paranoid, and somewhat psychotic man with anger issues. Now was an entirely different story.

“That guy is fucking crazy…” He thought to himself, he can’t believe this was the asshole he had tried to save.

        He briefly wondered if he should have brought up that fact earlier, the fact that he had save that asshole from a hole through his thick head, but completely shot that down.

“The guy is psychotic enough with his paranoia of aliens, there was really no need to tell him about that hallucination I had before we ended up here.”

        John had convinced himself at this point that the encounter with the shadowed figure and his recent falling from the sky was some really fucked up dream induced by the mental trauma he had experience with that whole situation. How they ended up here was still a question left unanswered, but he was sure there was a rational explanation for all of it that didn’t involve aliens.

        John watched begrudgingly as the man made away with his bounty of HIS shotgun shells to load into HIS gun. As the man began to load the weapon, a thought occurred to John. He had just told the man his name and he has yet to return the favor. After all the shit he is putting him through, John believed that he at least owed him that much.

        “What is your name anyways?” John asked.

        The man only responded as he finished loading the weapon and snapped it closed. “What is it to you?”

        “Well, after all that bullshit, I believe you at least owe my that much.” John replied.

        The man smiled, shook his head and sighed. “You are really going to start annoying me about it, aren’t you?”

        “You better believe it, asshole. You threatened to beat the shit out of me and I don’t even know who the fuck you are.” John responded.

        The man took the shotgun’s belt and holstered it on his back. “Okay, let me tell you something. I don’t owe you shit, you should be thanking me for not killing you after you shot at me and at least giving you fair warning before I tried to take the ammo by force. However, given the circumstances, us being in this together for now, I suppose you need a name to call me by aside from ‘the asshole who stole my shotgun’.” He said with a smile as he walked up to John.

        Extending his hand out, he finally said. “My name is Derrick Roberts. You will only refer to me as Derrick. Are we clear?”

        “Got it, Derrick.” John responded nervously, reluctantly taking his hand and shaking it.

        “Good, now lets go find that town you are so sure exists.” Derrick said as he turned around and walking in a random direction, John was just thankful it was away from the forest.

        With a sigh, John followed his lead. He hoped that they would find a town soon so that the would get this mess sorted out.

        Derrick had been walking for about an hour now, John not that far behind him but clearly having trouble keeping pace. This amused Derrick a bit. At Johns age, he should have been running laps around him for the entire hour and still feel energized enough to to do it for another few hours. Instead Derrick’s 45 year old, beaten up, cancer infested, body was out performing John’s like advanced machinery to old machinery.

        He looked back at the completely out of shape wimp behind. “What is wrong, John, do bartenders never exercise? Cancer patients have more endurance than you!” Derrick yelled for the sake of irony.

        John gave Derrick and nasty look. “Yes, we do, but we don’t exactly expect to walk 3 miles a second for hours on end.” John panted.

        “Oh please, save me your whining, we have only been at it an hour and walked 2 miles. Child’s play!” He yelled back.

        “Whatever!” John responded as he focused back on walking.

        For as long as they have been walking, they had yet to find anything that signified that there was any civilization nearby. More and more Derrick was starting to fear that he was right and that they were abducted by aliens. He only hoped that they didn’t come to hunt them down at some point like in those cheesy science fiction movies.

“I swear, if I see glowing eyes appearing from thin air…”

        Suddenly, John shouts something; breaking Derrick from his thinking. “Derrick! Look! Its a road! This could lead somewhere!”

        Turning around, Derrick sees John pointing out something that was indeed a road, but seemed to be very poorly maintained; only small bits and pieces remained. It lead out further into the pasture and looked as if it had not been used in a very long time.

        Standing beside John as he look stupidly proud of himself. “See, there is a town! There is always a town where there is a road. Where there is a town, there are people! We can get there, get this mess we are in all sorted out, and we can go back to our normal lives.” John said enthusiastically.

        Derrick, on the other hand, was not as excited about it as he was. It wasn’t only because he really didn’t have anything to go back to, but it was also because this road rubbed him in the wrong way. It was quite obvious that no one had traveled this road in a very long time, it could be that there was an alternate road made and this one was abandoned. However, it could also mean that it wasn’t traveled for a reason…

        “I don’t like this.” Derrick said.

        John was a bit surprised. “Don’t like what?”

        “The road, it is all wrong.” Derrick explained.

        “Well, it does need a bit of a repair job, but I don’t see anything wrong with it.” John said casually as he walked onto the road.

        “It is not the fact that it needs maintenance, it is the fact that it hasn’t received it.” Derrick explained further.

        John actually stopped to think about it for a second. “What do you mean by that?”

        “I am saying that this road is abandoned, it is likely the same case for the towns it connects. Even if the towns are not abandoned, they wouldn’t have stopped sending people to maintain the road unless there was a reason behind it. What I am saying is that this road could be dangerous.”

        John looked like he actually thought about it for a second, but then shrugged. “I don’t know man, that seems a bit too paranoid if you ask me. It could be that they just don’t need it any more. Forget about it, lets just go and find that town and figure it out from there. I don’t want to be out here after dark.”

        Derrick wanted to say that they should move on and forget the road, but he knew that John was going to be a stubborn ass about it; he couldn’t deal with that headache right now. So Derrick reluctantly nodded in agreement, but couldn’t shake the feeling that they were making a mistake.

        A few minutes later on the road they find their first road sign. It was wooden and was rotting to the core. Walking up to it, the two men tried to read what it said, making out only a few words.

Ponyville: 15 mi**

Popula****: 400

“A town called Ponyville? Must be a horse breeding community… How the fuck did we get from city to country?” John ask no one in particular.

        Derrick ignored his companion’s question, he was more worried about the small, almost unnoticeable message etched into the bottom of the rotting sign. a message that sent chills down Derrick’s spine.

Road is not safe. Town is not safe. No where is safe from the gatherers. Tread lightly or you will find yourself in Tartarus.

        “What the fuck?” Derrick ask himself as he questioned whether or not he read it right. However, he was interrupted by a tap on the shoulder.

        Turning around he sees John with a questioning look on his face. “For the fifth time, we need to go, we have 15 miles to make before it gets dark.” John said, gesturing to the descending sun. Derrick acknowledged him with a nod before turning back the sign. However he found that the message was gone.

        Rubbing his eye, he looked once again to see if his eyes were fooling him, but the message had indeed disappeared.

        “Derrick! Come on, the sun is not going to wait for no one!” He heard John’s voice from afar.

        He shook his paranoid thoughts out, assuming that the words were never there to begin with. With this in mind, he began to walk to catch up with Jack down the road. He knew it would be better to find some sort of shelter before darkness fell. Even if the town was abandoned, they could easily send the night there and continue looking for other towns the next day.

        At this point though, he couldn’t help but be a tiny bit paranoid. Whether that message was real or not, is was definitely a warning coming from his mind or otherwise.

He needed to stay on guard or something bad was bound to happen.