Equestrium: Agency

I rubbed my nose. I rubbed my nose again. "This place smells gamey." I rubbed my nose a third time. "Jesus, horse smell is thick."

The border guard stared at me, chewing a toothpick. "Uh huh.... Well, you're signed through, welcome to 'Questria."

I started to walk out. "Cool th-- 'Questria?" I spun around on my heel. "Really?"

The guard shrugged, his toothpick swinging from one side of his mouth to the other. "Yeah, 'Quest-tria"

I ground my teeth gently. "You're joking, right?"

He shook his head quickly, a smarmy frown on his face. "No, I live in 'Questria."

"Oh fuck off." I walked out of the room and into a large office. "'Questria." I rubbed my face, feeling slightly flustered from the obvious attempt to get under my skin. Sadly though it had worked. "Idiot...Equestria." I shook my body out and walked through the offices towards the front room.

The smell of vanilla drifted gently past as my shoes slid over the rough office carpeting. I didn't feel right in flat bottom shoes, but a pair of boots was waiting for me after we all got our assignments. I hurried after my fellow agents. Equestria awaited, and all that stood between us and it was a thin glass door with a pony sitting waiting to open the door for us.

"Hey John." Nick and Red walked over. "What's up?" Nick extended his hand.

I met his and gave it a firm shake. "Ponies and a man with a speech impediment." I flexed my fingers and started walking towards the door. "Red, hello."

Red nodded, his clean shaven face still a bit red. His name really did suit him. "Hannik, you excited?"

I grunted and started off towards the outside world. "Seems like an easy assignment, so sure."

Red shrugged. "I don't know, I did like Germany."

I shook my head. "I mean the chances of being held prisoner and tortured seem--" I stopped and nodded as we passed the pony at the door. "Thank you."

She smiled and nodded. "Welcome to Equestria."

I hurried after the other agents already walking down the street. We were under some cover as a business venture trying to gain a foothold. A few contracts were fronted and our alibi as Hellas employees felt solid enough. "Less chance of painful death I mean. Hooves and all."

Red nodded. "Could ask Drew, he's been sending letters back and forth with some pony since the door opened up." He looked towards the crowd. "Drew, what's the name of that pony you been talking to?"

Drew leaned back. "Caramel!"

Red nodded. "He knows you're a m--"

"Yes!" Drew shook his head.

My eyes were drawn down to his ass for a moment. "...He's not going to--"

"Oh probably." Red laughed softly. "Did you read those letters? They got a little dirty."

I shook my head. "Can't say I did." I rubbed my hands together, the clattering of our shoes loud against the icy stone walkway. A few carts took off down the streets, ponies both pulling and being pulled. "Horse drawn wagon with horses in them.... This place is already weird."

Red shrugged. "Aren't you--"

"Yes...Nevada is weird too, but there it's just hookers and rednecks. This is a different breed of weird." I rubbed my arms, my shirt far too small. "Agency should have told us it was in the mountains."

Red shrugged. "Door was in Newfoundland...I assumed it would be just as cold here as there." He adjusted his coat, thick and wooly. "Seems like it's your fault."

I felt something brush my hip. "Yeah we-fuh-kuh--" I hopped forward as a pony spun around. "Crotch height!" I dusted off my leg. "Oh Jesus..." I huffed loudly. "That scared the piss out of me." I rubbed my heart. "Christ."

Red laughed and watched the pony right herself and walk off. "About chest height, but whatever."

"She brushed my hip." I stretched my leg. "Felt weird."

Red slapped my chest with the back of his hand. "You're young, I'm sure you'll have to deal with a pony hitting on you eventually. You gonna get--"

"No." I shrugged. "That's whatever, just creepy not seeing them then suddenly feeling something brush your side. Like a shark."

Red took a hard left. I started patting my pockets. "Horse shark? Uh...your wallet okay?"

"Yeah." I rubbed my back. "I get phantom pains now." I opened my wallet and checked it through. "Paranoid as hell."

Red frowned. "Well, I think we're here."

I looked around, the buildings looked old, but above it all sat a huge castle. "I wonder if this is how Europeans feel. It's a little oppressive." I bit my tongue and followed Red into a generic Victorian age building. The air grew warmer as I walked up a set of stairs. they creaked under our collective weight. "Who was from New England? This is safe right?"

I hurried up leaving the line to filter into a long room with a screen hooked up at the far end. A pony with a bright white mane was tapping his hoof on the ground. "Great, everypony take a seat."

I frowned hard but found myself a seat. "Not a pony, but okay." I sank deep into a cheap metal folding chair. The room filled up as agents sat down and got ready for briefing. Two ponies in coats walked in as a follow up.

The pony with the white mane nodded a few times. "Everypony ready? Good." His horn lit up as a small ruler drifted over and smacked the white screen, now a map of Equestria. "I take it you're all familiar?" The room grumbled softly. We'd been training to come over for six months, all of us knew every territorial boundary between every state and nation in Equestria's planet. White mane nodded. "And these...." He pointed his ruler to a set of potions and a unicorn overseeing them. "Transformations will be administered as needed."

I shifted in my seat. The possibility was there, and I wasn't about to back out, but becoming a horse wasn't exactly on my bucket list. The white mane nodded again. "Then let's get started. O'Harra...." A man rose from his seat and walked over. He was handed a small packet and shown to the right, directly over to the pony. "Gressel...." A woman stood and charged over. She took her packet and was lead off to the left. "Hannik...."

I hopped up and hurried over. The walk was painfully long, a room full of armed murderers staring at my back felt like throwing myself to a pack of wolves. I stepped before the pony, a folder levitating gently in his magical grip. "Daring Do, AKA A K Yearling. Mouthful, I know. Information is in the dossier." He tugged my shirt to the left. "Transformation won't help much, she generally works alone, it's going to be up to you to change that."

I held the folder up. "I'll figure it out." I dipped out to the left. I flipped open my dossier, a few pictures of the yellow mare I was to make contact with. "So what am I...mhmm." I flipped through the notes. "I'm just tailing her...great." I looked over the fund they were giving me. "Great, well...." I snapped the folder shut. "Shit."

Red walked over, pulling me towards a few windows out into the snowy pony filled streets. "Equestrian Medical Studies. What you get?"

I shook my head. "Classified.... And by that I mean crap." I handed him my file.

Red flipped through my papers. "I have to admit, I kinda like the lax approach they're-- Oh man...that does suck."

I nabbed my file away and shrugged. "Yep. I have to follow around some bird horse, and in piss poor style too."

Red shrugged. "I think they're assuming you'll be moving a lot. You probably won't need a safe house, so there's a chunk right there."

I shrugged and looked over the pictures. "Huh...at least she's not terrible to look at.... I mean, if you're into horses."

Red popped his eyebrows. "I can see how she's be cute."

I shrugged. "I meant the color. These horses all look the same to me." I narrowed my eyes. "She's not.... Huh, I'll be damned." I turned to Red with a frown. "Twenty six."

Red nodded. "Impressive. Guess they start earlier."

I pinched the thick folder between my fingers. "Ya think?" I shook my head. "Well...I'm gonna go get reading, get this started."

Red nodded. "Sounds good. easy missions man, easy jobs."

I Nodded. "It's no Afghanistan, but hey, I'm not going to complain."

Red laughed loudly. "You weren't even there!"

"Nevada is close enough." I rubbed my pockets again. "Anyways, Daring Do awaits. Mustard mare, away." I walked slowly out of the room, drifting around the side to keep from getting in people's way. "...Away...." I hurried down the steps into the cold winter streets once again. "Great." I looked up towards the castle. "I'm sure they have a coffee place somewhere here." I took a deep breath and hurried off down the street.

I slowly collected a few watchers gawking at me from behind as I went about my way. I stopped down the street and turned to stare at them. "...What?"

The ponies just looked me up and down for a bit, saying nothing.

I rubbed my throat. "Hello?"

A tall mare coughed and looked off to the side. "Hi."

I looked around the small herd again. "...Can I help you?"

A stallion shook his green head. "No, just looking."

I frowned hard enough to notice. "Great.... So staring is--" A pair of white guards in gold armor flew down.

They stomped against the ground and broke up the thin layer of ice on the earth. "Sir, what are you doing?"

I held my hands up. "Walking."

The ponies looked me up and down. "Don't humans wear more clothes than that?"

I grumbled angrily. "The smart ones."

The guards looked at each other for a second, then one turned back to me. "So, you're a dumb one?"

I stared at them, my right eye half open. "I have a masters...."

One of the ponies in the herd laughed. "Then where's your collar." The entire group started laughing.

"Okay, funny. Shouldn't you be pulling a plow?" I turned back to the path. "These ponies are dicks." I could only hope it was a regional thing, or that they were just screwing with me because they'd not seen many humans. Either way, it didn't stop my arm from aching for a satisfying bitch slap.