Equestrium: Agency

"It hurts!"

"Idiot."

"Yeah, idiot!" Clover rolled over towards me. "Shouldn't play with guns!"

I shook my head and pulled the bandages tight around Nick's foreleg. "Clover, not helping." I rolled him over, finding the bullet hole in the dirt. "Well, through and through, look at that."

Nick let out a sharp cry. "Jesus Christ!"

I nodded. "Well, ya fuckin' shot yourself. Did you not think it would hurt?" I pulled my jacket off and looked over at Clover. "Clover...what are you doing?"

She flopped onto her back and looked around. "Uh...nothing." She looked down at the ground and bit off a piece of a flower. "Eating."

I shook my head and held Nick's leg tight. "You're gonna get sick if you look."

Nick let out a loud cry. "Ooooh my god, I'm gonna die!"

I shook my head. "You're not gonna die. You're just stupid." I frowned hard. "I'm not a vet mind you."

Nick looked down at his leg. "Oh my god--oh my god!"

"You're a god damn CIA agent, act like it!" I slapped him and threw him down into the dirt. "God damn...he gets shot and suddenly tables have turned!" I shook my head. "Didn't even have to do it. How long have you been like this!? Two years, you still cant control your magic!?"

Nick blubbered loudly and dug his good legs into the dirt. "Shut the hell up--"

"You shut the hell up!" I looked back to Clover. "Clover, get me something to stop this bleeding?"

Clover nodded and started rolling towards my pack. "Alright, I'll be back."

"It's five feet sweetheart, it's not that far." I switched from a squat to a kneel. "Christ man, they gave you a gun...."

Nick's whimpering slowly petered out as Clover rolled over with a gauze pack in her mouth. "Man just shut up and help me."

I shook my head. "Should I? Seems better for me if I left your ass out here!"

Nick's eyes started to water as I cleaned him up. "Please don't--"

"I'm not going to! But I should." I tied his leg tight and sat back on my ass. "You're bleeding in the grass. Ruining my trip too."

Clover rolled over. "Yeah--"

I grabbed the sausage roll of a pony and sat her in my lap. "Sweetie, shut up." I kissed her crown. "The man was just shot, he doesn't need to be brutalized by a mare with no legs. That's laying it on too thick." I laughed softly. "Oh boy...you're a real idiot Nick."

Nick rolled onto his side, his coat a bit paler around the face. "God...I don't feel good."

I scooted back and grabbed my bag. "You did shoot yourself. Probably going to die out here." I tossed him a box of painkillers. "Eat up."

They bounced off his cheek with a loud rattle. "Ow...." He laid down fully and took a deep breath. "I miss hands so much...."

"Certainly less chance of accidental discharge as a human." I grabbed the box and tore out a few tablets. I slapped my hand against his mouth and watched as they traveled down his gullet. "Better?"

Nick sighed loudly, the wind blowing down from Canterlot cold. "I feel so co--"

"It's fall and we're in a cold air valley, calm down. You're still eighty percent blood." I rubbed Clover's head, the pony refusing to settle down. "Clover, stop."

"It's gross. All red and crap." She stuck her tongue out and looked up at me. "It's gross right?"

I sighed loudly. "Yep. Now, decision time Nick, you gonna take me and this little filly here into custody, or you gonna go to the hospital?" I looked down at Clover. "What you think?"

Clover smiled at me and nuzzled my chin. "He did do it to himself--"

"Why'd you quit?!" Nick jerked his head up to me, sparks falling from his horn. "You could have come back and everything would've been fine!"

I nodded. "I could have, met this little filly though." I rubbed Clover's side. "Seemed like a good reason to stay at the time."

Nick groaned loudly. "Great, so you're screwing a freaking amputee?!"

Clover coughed. "Um...yeah? Do something about it-- oh wait you can't, cause you fucking shot yourself!" Clover blew raspberries at Nick's bloody body. "Yeah!"

I rolled my eyes and set Clover down next to me. "She has a point, you did fuckin' shoot yourself."

Nick growled at me. "I noticed, asshole!"

I stood up and grabbed my backpack, the grass on the side of the path slightly damp. "So, what's the plan here Nick? I could take you to Trottingham, but I don't think the agency would be too happy."

Nick lowered his head against the grass. "I feel lightheaded...."

I plopped Clover down into my bag. "Um...Red, your friend might actually die out here."

I sighed loudly and stuffed my pony away. "Yeah...he might."

Nick stretched his legs. "Stop sighing and help me!"

The unicorn splayed before me somehow still got on my nerves, disregarding the red bandage on his leg and the puddle next to the path. "Sure, yell at the guy who can walk. Clover, how about you save him?"

Clover huffed. "Couldn't if I wanted to."

"Mare couldn't, even if she wanted to!" I nodded sharply. "So what's it gonna be Nick? Because somehow I don't think this whole agent business worked out for either of us."

Nick groaned loudly. "You know they'll come after us!"

I shook my head. "No, if they planned to really come after us, they'd send a hit man. They sent an agent already here, they're not that interested." I shook my head. "They'd send a man, with a rifle, not a pony with a bullet hole in him."

Nick groaned and scratched at the dirt. "They do care--"

I threw my hands up. "About Russia, yes. About Equestria, magic horse people land, already cooperating with Canada, not so much! Some how I don't think they're afraid of all the trade opportunities! Probably the exact opposite."

Nick whimpered softly. "You just don't get it--"

"You don't get it, Nick! You don't get it!" I grabbed him by the back legs and slung him over me knee. "Clover--"

"Yeah, yeah." She rolled out of the backpack. "I get shotgun."

I hurried back and stuffed the bleeding pony into my pack. "Great, pony blood on the snacks. God damn it Nick!" I made sure her was snugly fit and stuck my arms through the straps. "Now I gotta care the sausage by hand!"

"Sex pun!" Clover laughed loudly. "Seriously, you should stop calling me a sausage."

I let her roll into my hands and slowly pushed up off the ground. "I--would--but you fit the bill." I hoisted the pair of cripples up. "Alright...so Trottingham it is."

Nick groaned loudly, his horn jabbing the back of my skull. "Is it safe to sleep? Am I gonna die if I sleep?"

Clover nodded, shifting around in my cradled arms. "Totally gonna die."

"Clover stop. This is gonna be a long walk even without you being an ass."

Clover stuck her tongue out. "He did try to take you hostage."

I shook my head. "Long story Clover, really, really long story."