Chapter 3: Offensive First Impressions

Morning arrived, bringing with it gorgeous sunshine and the beautiful sound of birdsong, sending light streaming through the windows and through the gaps in the curtains of a certain pair of bipedal moto psychos.

They both drag themselves from their pits, attempt to complete their daily ablutions, only to find they are still without electricity. No problem, the backup genny will cover that. More disturbing is the lack of water. Opening the taps, they get nothing but a few drips.

What the pair find most disturbing, however, is the distinct lack of road noise and bustle. And the fucking birds! There are never any chirping birds where they live. The little bastards have kept a healthy distance ever since they turned the place into motorcycle nirvana.

No words have been exchanged thus far, simply confused glares and worried frowns, along with the occasional irritated grunt. This changes, however, when they go downstairs to fire up the generator.

Upon looking out the kitchen window, all is not well.
Not.
Well.
At all.

Skeletoid is the first to speak. "Boy, I am of the opinion we are no longer in Kansas."

This stirs Gonzo from his contemplative reverie. "I am in agreement, boy."

"To the ThunderBus?" The painted man asked.

"Aye, to the ThunderBus." The beard replies.

The pair quickly dress in their heaviest, most armour-stuffed gear, complete with bash hats, grab the keys to the Bus, a pair of old binoculars and head out.

On scanning the immediate vicinity, doing a quick recce of the area, it becomes apparent that everything within, at a guess, a 30-odd metre radius of the kitchen table had been pulled through the portal site from Earth into Equus. What they didn't know, however, was the same area had been spat through the other way to occupy the plot that had been vacated. It was almost like something out of Terminator or the like.

The house appeared whole and sound, along with most of the drive and a fair portion of the garden. But there was indeed a very distinct circle all the way around the house where it was like one was walking from one planet to another in a single step. On one side, the flora were fairly well kept, a bit dry and patchy from a completely un-English bout of hot, dry weather, or it was concrete and Tarmac. On the other side, it was thick, dense, luscious green foliage, massive trees and sprawling ferns everywhere.

Perfect territory for a Hare and Hound race on a pair of lairy SuMos, they both thought.

Once they were satisfied that things were as well as could be expected under the present circumstances, they boarded the ThunderBus, strapped themselves in and began the destruction of the ecosystem...

While waiting for the olive drab mechanical monster to warm up, the pair decided on the quickest route out of the forest, based on which section of trees let through the most light.

"Shall we then, boy?" Skeletoid offered.

"We shall..." Gonzo replied.

He fiddled with the stereo for a moment, selecting the song they oft used when setting off on new ventures. This song, of course, was Carl Orff's O Fortuna. Both gents closed their eyes, allowing the song to stir their souls in a very 'Gone in 60 Seconds' fashion.

And with that, their visors were shut, 4WD was engaged, 1st gear was selected, the loud pedal was buried and the smog poured from the exhaust as the vehicle shot forward, carving a path of literal destruction through the forest as they headed roughly east towards open ground. The pair cackled manically as the truck smashed through the undergrowth, taking out a few of the smaller trees with nary a second thought. The exhaust note reverberated through the forest for miles, scaring any and everything that lived there half to death, causing them to run in the opposite direction as fast as their appendages allowed.

The tyres churned the ground up like rubber ploughs, throwing great clods in every direction, painting the sides of the truck brown in the process. The bull bar had acquired a few scratches from some of the more stubborn undergrowth and was now wrapped with various ferns and vines that almost looked as though they were clawing at the behemoth to cease it's campaign of carnage. Of course, Gonzo took no heed as he went through the gearbox, hammering Mother Nature like a demon gigolo intent on tearing her a new arsehole.

In short order, they burst out of the forest doing about 60-odd mph, dragging with them a trail of foliage and ripping up the unnaturally even grass as they landed. Gonzo threw a donut into the mix as they came to a halt, the clods of turf still raining down for a few seconds afterwards.

"Well that was a laugh, eh boy?" The beak chuckled.

"Aye, 'twas most satisfying boy." The beard answered, turning his head to survey the gaping hole they had left in the treeline. "Ere, you wanna take the bins and jump on the roof, see what you can see?" He asked, setting up some Annihilator to play as O Fortuna had finished not long before.

"Certainly, boy." And with that, the beak unstrapped himself, grabbed the opera glasses and climbed up on the roof, having a nose in every direction before spotting a trail to the south. He quickly clambered back inside the vehicle and strapped in. "Trail to the south, boy. 'Bout a mile or so." He stated, indicating the direction.

"Let us be on our way then, boy!" The beard exclaimed, once again burying the loud pedal and firing chunks of grass and mud behind them at high velocity, leaving 2 trenches and a cloud of black smoke in their wake.

However, unbeknownst to the pair, a certain multicoloured aerial adrenaline junkie had been practicing not too far away from their location in the Everfree. On hearing the colossal cacophony of their trek out of the forest, she had flown over to investigate. Hiding on a cloud, she waited as patiently as she was able until they burst forth in the aforementioned flurry of smog and foliage. The poor mare near soiled herself! What in Tartarus was that thing?! She managed to reign in her fight or flight instinct just long enough to see Skeletoid climb out and jump in the back before she shot off to the library as fast as her wings would take her.

As the gruesome twosome headed towards the trail, Skeletoid noticed a cottage to their right as he continued to scan the horizon through the bins. "BOY! DIGS ON THE RIGHT! HALF A MILE!" He yelled over the noise of the music from the engine and the speakers. Gonzo gave him a quick thumb up to indicate he'd heard before adjusting his course to suit.

It didn't take them long to arrive at the cottage. The beard stomped on the anchors, leaving vast furrows as all four wheels locked up and tore through the soft earth.

"Now I'm really thinkin' we're in Oz, boy. You see that door? That's barely four 'narf foot if it's an inch!" Skeletoid exclaimed. "Am I gonna bang on the door an' get the leader of the Lollipop Guild pointin' me in the direction of the fuckin' yellow brick road?!" He ranted as they both disembarked the vehicle. He took a look at the valleys left by the tyres. "Has anyone ever told you you're about as subtle as a sledgehammer?"

Gonzo chuckled. "I am known for being somewhat loud, aye." He replied. "Anyway, best find out what kind o' shit we've landed ourselves in, eh? With any luck, they've got tea." He quipped optimistically, the pair striding over and knocking on the door...

Elsewhere, specifically Ponyville Library a short time earlier, the resident bookworm and her faithful bitch- sorry, 'assistant' are busy doing what they do best. One reading books, the other putting books away. The peaceful tranquility is unceremoniously shattered by a prismatic blur doing the same to the window it just used as an impromptu entrance. "AAAAAH!" Screamed Twilight, falling backwards off her perch and sending the veritable wall of books she had once again constructed tumbling down around her. "For Celestia's SAKE, Rainbow Dash! WHEN are you going to learn to use a DOOR?!!" She fumed.

"OHMYGOSHOHMYGOSHOHMYGOSH TWILIGHT! YOU GOTTA COME RIGHT NOW! THERE ARE THESE TWO FREAKY DEMONS HEADING TOWARDS FLUTTERSHY'S COTTAGE AND THEY'RE RIDING IN THIS GIANT GREEN DEATH CHARIOT THAT EATS TREES AND BREATHES FIRE AND MOVES BY ITSELF AND LEAVES THESE MASSIVE TRENCHES OF DESTRUCTION BEHIND IT! I GOT HERE AS FAST AS I COULD CUZ THEY WERE ALL SO BIG AND NOISY ANDIWASSOSCAREDSOMEPEECAMEOUT!" Rainbow Dash managed to to yell in nought but a single breath. Her verbal diarrhoea had barely been understood by the pair, but Twilight got the important bits.

Spike, on the other hand, began snigger rather uncontrollably. "Waitwaitwait, the 'awesome' (air quotes) Rainbow Dash was so scared she peed herself?! Oh that is just too good!" He chortled. Twilight simply rolled her eyes as she picked herself up. Little Miss Ego on the other hand...

"AND SO WHAT IF I DID? YOU WEREN'T THERE! YOU DIDN'T SEE IT ALL HAPPEN FIRST HOOF!" She challenged, getting right up in Spike's face.

The young drake put his paws up in defeat, looking a little uneasy. "Whoa, dude, chill! I'm only havin' some fun, I didn't mean anything by it!" He attempted to explain.

Twilight sighed. She wasn't quite sure she wanted to believe what she'd been told. Miss Dash did have a penchant for exaggerating things a touch. "Come on, Rainbow. Calm down. Can you explain to me exactly what you saw?" She asked, hoping to calm her friend down to a point where she wasn't about to cause bodily harm to her young charge.

The blue Pegasus immediately rounded on her, becoming obviously more frantic. Twilight actually began to pay attention to just how tightly-wound she was. "THERE'S NO TIME! THEY WERE MOVING REALLY FAST! LIKE, WAY FASTER THAN I'VE EVER SEEN ANYTHING MOVE THAT WASN'T A PEGASUS! THEY COULD BE AT HER COTTAGE BY NOW! THEY COULD BE IN PONYVILLE BY NOW!" She raved.

That caught Twilight's attention. "Okay! Rainbow Dash! Assemble the girls! Fluttershy and Rarity are at the spa. You know where Pinkie and Applejack will be. Meet me at the outskirts of Ponyville on the way to Fluttershy's cottage."

"Got it!" She saluted before disappearing out the same window she destroyed.

"Spike! Take a letter.
Dear Princesses Celestia and Luna,

My good friend Rainbow Dash has warned me of some strange and possibly dangerous creatures that emerged from the Everfree Forest.
Her description was of 'demons' riding a 'green death chariot that breathed fire.'
While I do not wholly believe her, she was most insistent so I am taking the Elements and meeting my friends on the edge of Ponyville on the road to the Everfree.
I would appreciate it if one or both of you could attend in case we can't contain the situation.

Your faithful student,
Twilight Sparkle."

With a quick flourish and a breath of flame, the letter was on its' way. "All done. Now, I'm gonna assume by the face you're pulling, I'm about to get the whole spiel of how I should 'stay here, lock the door and stay out of trouble' amirite?" Spike reeled off in a disinterested monotone.

Twilight looked positively flabbergasted. "Y-yes, but... How...?"

Spike sighed. "Isn't it obvious? The minute the town is in any kind of danger, you and the girls run off to save the day, and I'm told to stay here and keep safe." He replied. "Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the gesture, it's just a little boring is all. Now go on, get outta here. I got a window to fix..."

"Okay, Spike. I'm sure it's nothing, so I'll see you later!" Twilight called as she gathered the Elements and headed out the door. It didn't take her long to reach her destination, and it appeared she had arrived about the same time as her friends. She quickly passed out the Elements and they gathered on the path, looking out towards the Everfree with mixed feelings. Outright fear (Fluttershy), boredom (Applejack), excitement (Pinkie), curiosity (Twilight), trepidation (Rarity) and indignation (Rainbow Dash).

"Tell me agin, Rainbow, whut'n tarnation y'all dragged us out here fer?" Applejack almost demanded, looking rather disgruntled with the situation. She was already behind with the harvest this season due to various unforeseen circumstances, and Rainbow Dash dragging her away from the bucking of trees for the downright ludicrous story she'd spun wasn't sitting well.

"Yes, quite, darling. While I admit I am somewhat more hesitant in knowing the outcome of this little escapade - there is the occasion that ignorance is indeed bliss - I do share Applejack's sentiments in wanting to know exactly what we are getting ourselves into." Rarity added, looking, as she stated, somewhat uneasy with the situation.

"Guys, I am telling you, I saw two demons walking on their back legs, dressed in this bulky stuff that I've never seen before, riding in something that I swear to Celestia looked like it ate trees and breathed fire! There is no way something can make that much smoke and there not be fire!" She insisted, most vehemently. "Anyway, all that aside, THEY WERE HEADING TOWARDS FLUTTERSHY'S COTTAGE!" She yelled, gesticulating wildly in said direction.

We now return to our two leather-clad antagonists, Gonzo leaning against the front wing of the 'Bus while Skeletoid sat cross-legged a short distance from the door of the cottage. The reason he was sitting was in a vain attempt to look slightly less intimidating as he assumed they would be, on average, about 2 foot taller than the locals judging by the diminutive digs. "Well boy, doesn't look like anyone's in, boy. Shall we venture onwards?"

"Indeed, boy. Lemme get one together and we'll be on our way. 'Ere, make ya self useful wi' those bins again boy, if you would be so kind..." Gonzo replied, pulling his gloves off and reaching into his inside jacket pocket for the associated rolling paraphernalia.

"Righto boy!" Skeletoid jumped up, striding quickly to the truck and grabbing the oculars once again. A swift bit of acrobatics and he was once again scanning the horizon. In short order, Gonzo finishes the blunt and sparks up just as Skeletoid spots something of interest... "Boy! There's a village down the road a ways! Looks like... Fuck me, boy! Get yer arse up 'ere an' 'ave a gander!" He exclaims.

Gonzo swiftly oiks himself up beside his compadre and takes the proffered long-distance spectacles. On seeing what Skeletoid saw, he takes a healthy draw on the smoke.

"You see what I did, boy?" The beak asks.

"If by that, you mean multi-coloured horses looking a bit cross, then yes, yes I do, boy." The beard replies.

"I feared as much boy. Pass the doob, I need a straight head on for this shit." Skeletoid holds out his hand, still looking in the direction of the village.

Gonzo, still looking through the oculars, passes the joint without hesitation. "I'll be honest boy, I don't think they're standing there looking all bent outta shape fer no reason. The blue one with the gay hair's gesticulatin' our way summat fierce."

"Lemme see..." The bins are passed back, as is the doob. "Aye, they're not exactly Rollin' out the red carpet and givin' us a 21-gun salute... Boy, you reckon they'd understand we cum in pies if you tied yer wifebeater to a stick?" The beak asked, pulling his eyes from the binoculars.

"International sign of surrender?" The beard assumed, taking another pull before passing the smoke over. "Kill it, boy." He said, motioning to what was left of the joint.

"Cheers, boy. Aye, flag of surrender." He confirmed, swiftly finishing the blunt and flicking the butt into the distance somewhere.

"Worth a go I spose." Gonzo shrugged out of his jacket, having taken his lid off shortly after arriving at the cottage. He peeled the sleeveless vest off himself before putting the jacket back on.

"I'm also gonna suggest you go easy on the loud pedal, boy. Your driving antics don't exactly scream 'we mean you no harm' ya know?" Skeletoid suggested as the pair climbed down from the roof of the truck.

"Aww. I spose. Fairymuff boy, I'll drive sensibly." Gonzo confirmed in a somewhat downtrodden tone.

"Seriously boy, do try."

Shortly, the vest was tied to a stick one of them had dug up from somewhere and they were back in the ThunderBus. Skeletoid was hanging rather comically out of the window with it in his grasp while Gonzo fired up the beast and began making his way in the direction of what they would soon find out was Ponyville.

The starting of the truck had definitely not gone unnoticed by the assembled group on the path. Poor Fluttershy near keeled over in shock, giving an uncharacteristically loud "EEEP!" While the rest had made equally surprised noises themselves. Rainbow Dash however, did have a mild look of smug satisfaction and an air of 'I told you so!' about her.

"Alright girls, be ready for anything. They seem to be coming our way!" Twilight ordered, as they all turned to face the incoming duo with determination etched on their faces.

Neither party had to wait long to come into view of the other, one party now struggling to contain a fit of the giggles from the ridiculousness of the situation (also seeing multicoloured horses wearing gaudy jewellery and attempting to look imposing), the other now beginning to look somewhat disgusted and also very confused at spotting the battle-scarred vehicle and the creature waving the white flag...

"Okay, ahm confused. Ardee, y'all said these here varmints were demons an' made it sound like they were gonna destroy the town! Now, correct me if ahm wrong, but ahm seein' a white flag a-flyin'." Applejack pointed out.

Rainbow Dash was immediately on the defensive. "Hey, when I saw them, they were dressed head to toe in armour and they were tearing up the place! How was I to know they were gonna roll over and play nice?!" She shot back.

"O-oh dear. They do seem to be coming towards us awfully fast..." Fluttershy interjected. Obviously, having not seen them previously, and not being an especially fast flier herself, the steady 30mph that Gonzo had deemed a safe first-contact speed did indeed seem rather brisk. The others, bar Miss Dash, nodded their heads or made noises of agreement.

Pinkie, having remained oddly quiet thus far, decided now would be an opportune moment to speak up. "Hey! If they're waving a white flag doesn't that mean they're friendly and not looking to destroy the town or turn us into slaves or rape or pillage or plunder or generally be big meanie-pants which means they wanna make friends and be nice to us and then I can throw them a 'welcome to Ponyville and thanks for not being mean' party huh huh huh?" She asked, the verbal diarrhoea finally ceasing.

"Don't get ahead of yourself, Pinkie!" Twilight reprimanded her, causing the pink menace to deflate somewhat. "We still don't know what their intentions are, or if this is an elaborate ruse. And for all we know, that white flag could be a declaration of war to... whatever in Tartarus they are!" She exclaimed, having started squinting to get a better look at the one hanging out of the window.

"Y-you know, it looks to me like they both seem pretty happy, though. I-I mean, they do seem to be smiling an awful lot... But that's just me, so feel free to make your own observations..." Fluttershy added, her voice tapering off towards the end.

"No no, dear, you are quite correct. The pair almost look to be... giggling from where I'm standing! I mean really! This is not a situation to be taken lightly, much less openly display your amusement toward! Ooooooh! I've got half a mind to put those two ruffians firmly in their place when they get here!" Rarity fumed. First contact with an obviously hitherto unencountered species and they have the audacity not to be taking it seriously! Why, the very thought of abandoning decorum in such political instances was enough to give the fashionista heart palpatations!

"Now jes' hold up thar, Rarity!" Applejack reasoned. "Fer all's we know, this could be their way o' breakin' the ice. Y'all tried thinkin' 'bout it from their angle?" She asked with a hint of irritation.

The alabaster mare appeared taken aback for a moment before recovering. "To be honest, Applejack, I hadn't. I appreciate you pointing that out." She replied in a carefully neutral tone, adjusting her mane slightly.

"Any time, sugarcube."

"Guys, they are almost here y'know!" Rainbow Dash snapped at them all. "Quit arguin' and FOCUS!" She yelled, turning back to the looming mass of metal and foliage. It was only as the ThunderBus closed to within 100 feet did the assembled group of colourful equines realize exactly how colossal it was. With the suspension lift, it stood nearly 7 foot tall! Roughly double the average pony! "Oh horseapples..." The blue mare squeaked.

"Boy, I do believe here should be fine." Skeletoid offered as they closed to around 30 foot of their 'welcome' party. "The poor creatures look like they're about to soil themselves." Indeed, the six females had all begun to shrink away from their approach, huddling together to reassure each other.

Gonzo came to a gentle but swift halt, killing the engine and turning the music off. "Aye, I agree. Christ boy, look at how dinky they are!" He observed, cautiously opening the door. "Reckon they're Shetland ponies that dropped a bit too much acid boy?" He quipped, stepping from the vehicle.

"Hahaha! Indeed, boy!" Skeletiod replied, extricating himself from the bus in a rather comical way, having to open the door and get out at the same time, then pull himself and the 'flag' back through the window. "Fuck's sake! Who's retarded idea was it to wave this fucking thing about anyway?!" He demanded of no one.

One of the assembled horse-like creatures, by the looks of it the blue one with the bad dye job, obviously thought his actions amusing. The beak distinctly heard a snort of derisive laughter and looked up in time to see the aforementioned equine look anywhere but at him, an obvious smirk on it's face. "I'm so glad I amuse you. I can also do tricks, y'know." He quipped, looking directly at... Them. At this point, he wasn't going to jump to conclusions on gender.

Said multicoloured pony had the decency to look embarrassed, her cheeks flushing pink for a few moments, but steadfastly refused to meet his gaze. Gonzo, meanwhile, had been carefully watching the group for any signs of recognition or understanding. It was painfully obvious that these were no ordinary horses. For one, two had horns (unicrons? No, that's that giant floating head from TransFormers... Unicorns! Thassit!), and another two had wings (Pegasuses? No, that's crap England. Man, that blunt was strong! Pegasi! Thank you brain!). And with the gaudy jewellery, styled manes and tails and frankly disturbingly large eyes, one could safely assume they knew a bit more than how to eat grass and take a shit without getting it on their tails.

The beard, in the least-offensive tone of voice he possessed, addressed the group while walking slowly towards the holding his arms out to the side in what he hoped was a non-threatening manner. "Mornin' all. I'll be honest in that I have no idea what to say in this situation. We hope you lot understood the white flag?" He asked, stopping about 15 feet away. Skeletoid joined him in short order, having left the aforementioned item leaning against the bus.

None of them were swift to reply.

"Boy, you thought that maybe they don't speak English?" The beak asked under his breath.

"To begin with yes, boy. However, when your friend Skittles over there turned a lovely shade of pink at your comment, I'm willing to bet they speak the lingo." The beard replied.

The purple one eventually broke the silence (after much gesturing from her friends), clearing her throat. "Ahem. Y-yes, we did understand your sign of surrender. M-my name is Twilight Sparkle-WHAT'S SO FUNNY?!"

Both of the bipeds, thanks in no small part to still being rather munted, had completely lost their shit on hearing her name and were snorting and giggling like a pair of school kids who'd just heard their teacher let one go. Skeletoid was the first to regain some semblance of decency after catching the frankly murderous glare from the pretty white one with the purple mane. (Wait a fucking minute. Just back the fuck up a bit, son! Did I seriously just think that a talking horse was pretty?)

"S-sorry, sorry. Please accept our apologies. Bit of an odd morning, as I'm sure you understand. Please continue." He offered, doing his best to look remorseful. Gonzo, too, managed to get himself under control and look ashamed.

"As I was saying," twilight continued, emboldened somewhat by their humility, "my name is Twilight Spark-SERIOUSLY, WHAT IS SO FUNNY?!!" She demanded, becoming somewhat irate.

The pair had once again gone off the deep end and were now openly laughing like drains, completely unable to help themselves. Gonzo was on his knees and Skeletoid was gasping for breath. The whole group, even Pinkie, by this point were looking ready to commit GBH.

"Se-seriously, I don't mean to be rude, but what kind o' name is Twi-Twilight Sparkle?" Gonzo managed between bouts of chortling.

At this, the purple horse looked confused. "Um, it's as good a name as any, I believe. Just ask any of my friends. Pinkie Pie knows everypony- AGAIN?! WHAT AM I SAYING THAT IS SO AMUSING?!!" She raged.

At this latest bout of laughter, Rainbow Dash and Applejack decided to step in. Both mares picked a male each and marched and flew right up to them, heedless of the size difference, and got right in their faces.

"Y'all wanna gimme a dang fine reason not ta buck ya straight back ta whutev'r Tartarus-damned hole ya crawled out of?!" Applejack demanded of Gonzo, looking him square in the eyes thanks to him being on his knees.

"YOU'D BETTER HAVE SHUT YOUR MOUTH BEFORE I COUNT TO THREE OR I'M GONNA FILL IT WITH MY HOOF!" Rainbow Dash practically screamed in Skeletoid's face, having her right foreleg pulled back, muscles tensed ready for the strike.

This open display of hostility was enough to sober the pair up enough to cease the laughter and look suitably abashed. Gonzo was the one to reply, as he had been asked directly and Skeletoid had been forced into silence...

"Well, err, not to be a complete cunt, but Twilight Sparkle? Pinkie Pie? Those sound like names from a dodgy kid's cartoon, and everypony? Surely you mean everyone or everybody, no? I mean, name-wise, where we hail from, you got girls called Tracey, Rachel, Nicky, Helena, Gillian, Emma, ya know, normal names. People who call their kids crazy shit like Autumn Breeze and fuckin' Moon Unit and Leaf Beard are usually hippies who believe in all that 'free love' bollocks and drop more acid than Jimi Hendrix. I mean, I tried takin' a shitload o' Smilies once. The floor started movin' like a conveyor, the walls started meltin', the table tried chasin' me round the fuckin' kitchen, the whole nine yards. Took me a week to come down from that trip! Was a week, wunnit boy?" He asked. Skeletoid nodded the affirmative, rolling his eyes.

"HEY! Autum Breeze's parents may be a bit on the easy-goin' side, but they're definitely not hippies!" Rainbow Dash immediately switched to the defensive.

Gonzo looked completely flabbergasted. "You're shittin' me! You are seriously havin' me on! You actually got someone called Autumn Breeze?! I pulled that name out my arse!" He exclaimed, beginning to feel like both he and Skeletoid were in so far over their heads, they may as well have been wearing concrete shoes in the deepest ocean trench on Earth! A quick look at his compadre confirmed a similar look of helplessness on his fizzog.

...And that's just about when everything went from Wizard of Oz to Alice in Wonderland on SO MUCH FUCKING LSD for the pair.

"PRINCESS CELESTIA! PRINCESS LUNA! You came!" Twilight exclaimed, drawing everyONE's attention to a pair of far larger... No, these were definitely horses. Save the massive head dildos and feathered back umbrellas. Admittedly, the white one was definitely a dress size or so larger than the navy blue one.

The royal sisters had teleported into Ponyville not far from the Element Bearers' location not a minute previously, swiftly yet silently cantering over to the group and sliding themselves amongst their subjects.

"Boy, I believe we are about to be royally fucked..." Skeletoid spoke up, his voice an octave or two higher and a slight quaver to boot.

"Oh, I wouldn't say that. I'm sorry to say neither of you are really my type." Said the taller white one, much to Skeletoid's relief.

"Speaketh for thineself, Sister. I am loathe to admit, the one perched humbly on his knees with the excess of facial fur seems quite the dish." The slightly shorter midnight blue one whispered in the other's ear.

"LUNA! You can't seriously find that... creature attractive?!" Screamed a suitably surprised Celestia.

"Oh do come now, Celestia! Thou hast known since before thou sent me to the moon that I am a Xenophile." Luna responded.

"Now, 'ang on a minute. Just which 'creature' are we referrin' to?" The beard half-asked, half-demanded, standing up and backing away from the now rather confused orange pony in the same movement, folding his arms once he was upright. He was well aware these two were what passed as royalty in this eco-warrior's wet dream (the purple one, Twilight Sprinkle was it? Did call them 'princesses' after all...) but generally tried to treat everyone with equal servings of nonchalance and unpleasantness, regardless of social stature.

The pair turned their heads in his direction, as did everyBODY else in the assembled group. On making eye contact with the blue one, Luna, she immediately blushed and looked away. He looked to the taller white one, raising an eyebrow.

Celestia looked at him with no small amount of disdain. "My sister was, unfortunately, referring to you." She said, lacing the final word with such disgust, Gonzo actually felt dirty.

"Well boy, a talking horse fancies you. I gotta say, she's a damn sight better than some o' the gorgons you usually attract." Skeletoid quipped, earning an exasperated eye-roll from his hairy hombre and stares ranging from shocked to mortified to enraged. "...I get the feeling I overstepped a line with that one?"

Nary a second later, he was being elevated and pulled in several directions by glittering hues of varying colours to the point he was actually in rather severe pain. "WAS THAT A SLEIGHT AGAINST MY SISTER, YOU FILTHY MONKEY-STALLION?!!" Screamed Celestia, whose golden glow enveloped his throat.

"Would it help if I said it was actually meant as a compliment?" He wheezed, slowly asphyxiating in her magical grip.

It took a few moments, Skeletoid turning a lovely shade of purple in that time, but slowly, the magical auras began to fade out and he unceremoniously dropped to the ground in a heap, gasping for sweet, sweet oxygen.

"I don't care if that was a compliment. The two of you will be thrown in the dungeon until I can decide whether you are a danger to us or not, as soon as I have destroyed this... contraption. I will not have such vile affrontery to the ecosystem left in one piece." Celestia stated, turning to the ThunderBus and charging her horn.

"Oh dear..." Skeletoid sighed.

Author's Note

So... That went well, eh?

I imagine there will be a lot of OOC'ness. I've so far only watched 3 episodes of MLP:FIM, and as such, I haven't quite got their personalities down.

That and Celestia is gonna be a wee bit of a bitch in this. Everyone makes her out to be some benevolent, gracious saint. No. Just no. Everyone has a button. Destruction of nature by strange creatures is hers. Never mind that seems a touch hypocritical...