Chapter 4: How To Piss Ponies Off...

The hairy one moved so fast, it shocked even his best friend. Before anyone knew what was happening, he was standing in front of Celestia, his right hand wrapped around her horn, his head level with hers and a frankly murderous look in his eyes. "You so much as LOOK at my truck funny, I will snap off this head ornament and shove it up your arse, blunt end first! You understand me, horse?!" He yelled in her face.

"BOY! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?! CALM THE FUCK DOWN AND STEP AWAY FROM THE ROYAL HORSE FOR FUCK'S SAKE!" Skeletoid screamed at Gonzo, attempting to get the hairy moron to see reason and not fuck his situation up any more.

The entire assembly were frozen in utter shock. Even Celestia herself was stunned into complete inaction. Never before in her entire existence had anyone threatened her in such a violent and defiling manner! Surprisingly, it was Fluttershy who was the first into action, flying swiftly over beside Celestia, staring directly into Gonzo's eyes with such a piercing gaze that despite every ounce of mental resistance, he could feel himself succumbing to the yellow pegasus' will.

"If you could, I would very much like you to let go of Princess Celestia's horn and sit on the ground, please." She asked gently, but firmly.
Gonzo, despite every molecule of his being screaming at him to stand firm and stay exactly where he was, couldn't help but find himself planting his posterior in the dirt with his hands in his lap. The feeling of near-complete helplessness against the will of another terrified him to his core.

"Oh I'm very, very sorry. I really don't like resorting to such drastic measures, but I absolutely can't stand to see anypony being threatened, especially with what you were describing, sir." Fluttershy said apologetically. "I really hope we can all put this little misunderstanding behind us and move on?" She asked hopefully, giving both Princess Celestia and the beard the biggest, saddest, most pathetic-looking puppy-dog pout either of them had ever seen in their entire lives.

Celestia, for her part, felt mildly ashamed of herself as she stared into the eyes of the yellow Pegasus. She had been too quick to anger, and had bandied about some threats that were, in hindsight, a little rash. It seemed a little unfair to destroy this... Creature's property without at least letting her most prized student study it thoroughly first. She could almost sense the inner nerd in Twilight Sparkle having an absolute rage fit at her for not giving her the chance to at least give it a once-over. She was still tempted to throw the pair in the dungeon until such a time that she could set aside a period to question them as to their motives and reasons for being in Ponyville and causing such a scene. Maybe next month, at the earliest.

Gonzo, for his, felt absolutely no remorse for the reasoning behind his actions, but again, in hindsight, the actions themselves were more than a little extreme. Especially considering the facts: they were in another world, and his recipient happened to be royalty. Add to that, he was pretty sure he saw some serious telekinesis at work, that little stunt most definitely didn't help his situation. With this in mind, he decided to help himself to that large, messy slice of Humble Pie and apologise. In his own special way. "Uhh, yeah, my bad. The whole threatenin' to snap yer horn off an' all that was a little bit over the top. Although to be fair, you did threaten to destroy one of my Pride and Joys. Threaten me with violence and pain, no worries. Mess with my babies, I tend to go off the deep end." He explained.

Before Celestia could even inhale to reply, Twilight (of all ponies) cut her off, "You mean to say that that... THING is your child?!" She exclaimed.

Rarity quickly stepped in before the purple nerd could start reeling off every known reason why that should be impossible. "Darling, I am under the impression our... New arrival... Was speaking metaphorically." She stated, eyeing both man and vehicle with equal amounts of unrestrained disgust. "Besides, looking like that I can't imagine a single female of any species actively choosing him to be the father of their offspring..." She whispered so that only Rainbow Dash and Applejack could hear. The pair both fought with everything they had not to burst out laughing at the comment.

"Oh. Yeah, that would make sense..." Twilight mumbled, scuffing the dirt with her hoof.

"Ahem!" Celestia cleared her throat. "I will accept your apology if you will accept mine. I was more than a little rash in my actions to destroy your... machine and throw you both in the dungeon. However, I will still require the both of you to accompany my sister and I to Canterlot so that we may decide your fate." She explained.

Gonzo shrugged, holding out a hand. "Eh, no harm done. I believe we were all wound a little tight under present circumstances."

Celestia eyed the proffered appendage with confusion. "Now, while I do not intentionally mean to come across as rude, what is it you hope to achieve by holding your... forelimb out in such a fashion?" She asked, curiosity and a hint of derision in her tone.

Skeletoid answered, seeming a little quicker on the draw than his companion. "He's offering a handshake. Or in your case, hoofshake, I suppose. International sign of friendship, indicating we bear you no ill will, hold no grudges and carry no concealed weapons."

Comprehension dawned on the immortal pony's face. "Oh I see! I do believe our hoof-bump is a similar social greeting, although it doesn't quite carry the same weight as your... what was it? Hand-shake?" She inquired. On receiving nods of confirmation, she continued. "Yes, as I was saying, our hoof-bump is really a mere sign of informal greeting, not going so deep as to convey the... absence of weapons." She raised an eyebrow in a questioning fashion.

"Well, y'see, the lack of concealed weapons is more a throwback from days of yore when we, err, that is to say humans as a whole were a fuck sight more violent and treacherous. In some backwards little pockets of the world, I imagine that part of it still remains a 'thing', but I'd like ta believe the ol' homo-sapien has mellowed out a bit since then. Anyway, you gonna shake me hand or leave me hangin'?" Gonzo finished his wee narrative, glancing down at his still-proffered extremity.

"Oh, of course!" Celestia quickly lifted a forehoof and placed it in the outstretched palm. The pair shook briefly, each finding the sensation of the others' limb end to be somewhat... enlightening. "Oh, another thing while we are all sharing some history: It is considered extremely rude to call us... horses. We are not the mere animals that roam the uninhabited regions of Equestria, and as such, we are to be referred to as ponies. Do I make myself quite clear?" She asked in the same tone you would hear a teacher use on an unruly child.

"Yas'm Boss-lady." The pair replied in perfect unison. Made sense. Bit like them being called monkeys back on Earth.

"Good. Now I do believe, before we go any further, some proper introductions are in order. I am Princess Celestia, co-ruler of Equestria, this is my sister, Princess Luna. We preside over the day and night respectively. These are the Bearers of the Elements of Harmony; Twilight Sparkle (Element of Magic), Applejack (Element of Honesty), Rainbow Dash (Element of Loyalty), Rarity (Element of Generosity), Pinkie Pie (Element of Laughter), and Fluttershy (Element of Kindness)." The royal pony reeled off. When mentioned, each pony gave a brief acknowledgement before they all then looked expectantly at the pair of humans.

"Oh, right! Sorry, bit much to take in all at once. Still a bit stoned. Ahem! I'm Skeletoid, or the Beak, social misfit and certified petrolhead. This is Gonzo, or the Beard, hater of the general public and moto-psycho extraordinaire. We are but common working-class citizens from a seaside town called Eastbourne in England. No flash titles, honours or otherwise." The painted man explained.

Twilight was practically vibrating with barely-contained questions about where they were from, how they got here, what being stoned was, everything. She was beaten to the punch as Luna, finally having stopped eyeing the hairy one up, decided to speak. "We must say, your names are most curious. And the labels thou hast given to thineselves seem even more so. Social misfit, hater of public, neither seem especially... Flattering." She speculated.

"We choose not to get out much. Neither of us have any great love for interacting with other people as a rule. We have... Had, I should say, a fairly tight circle of friends and a goodly amount of acquaintances in the biking scene, but other than that, we do both generally try to keep to ourselves." Gonzo explained, feeling somewhat down in the mouth as the notion of not being able to go for a beer with said mates down the Six Bells again lodged itself firmly at the front of his mind. Skeletoid, too, seemed to adopt a similar melancholy.

"But why would you wanna do that?! Getting out and socialising is such super duper fun! You get to meet all kinds of awesome ponies and do so many funnerific (author's note: typing that word hurt my brain in untold ways.) things with them! You can go to parties and picnics and functions and parties and galas and barbecues and parties and shindigs and festivals and PARTIES! I mean really, what's not to like about hanging out with all the cool ponies in town?!" Pinkie asked. The notion that anypony would actively choose to shut themselves away from society (Fluttershy aside) baffled the pink mare completely.

"Trust me... Pinkie? (A confirming violent nodding of the head and toothy grin) if you had to deal with the arseholes we do... Err, did, on a daily basis I'm pretty sure you'd want nothing more than to tell the rest of the world to fuck off too." Skeletoid reasoned.

"But everypony here is so nice and friendly!" Pinkie replied. "I can't think of anypony who isn't!"

"Again with the overuse of the word pony..." Gonzo muttered under his breath.

"If I may...?" Interjected Rarity, "It sounds to me, if I am understanding this correctly, that the world they have come from is not a very nice place. Either that, or they are creatures of such coarse attitude and demeanour that the first impressions they present immediately turn ponies against them." She stated, obviously having a dig at the pair if the stink eye was anything to go by.

"I'd say it's a bit o' both." Gonzo replied, shrugging the sleight against them off with well-practiced ease. Skeletoid merely grunted the affirmative. "I suppose it would be prudent to apologise for the manner in which we arrived. I'll admit we weren't exactly putting our best foot forward by tearing up the place in the 'Bus."

"It was fun though, eh boy?" Skeletoid smirked.

"Damn straight!" Gonzo replied with a chuckle.

"See, that right thar is why we wheeled out the big guns when you two hoodlums showed up! RD here was close ta foamin' at the mouth when she come an' darn near dragged me off ma farm hootin' an' hollerin' 'bout a pair o' demons in a death chariot breathin' fire an' leavin' a trail o' destruction behind 'em!" Applejack fumed. Listening to the pair describing their antics as 'fun' reeeeally didn't sit right with her.

The pair looked at each other and couldn't contain a proud smirk. "I would apologise again, but being referred to as demons in a death chariot is fucking awesome!" Skeletoid exclaimed.

"Fuck yeah it is!" Gonzo agreed, fist-bumping his bro.

This earned a facehoof of epic proportions from the farm... girl? Mare? Pony of female gender who owns a farm. "Ah done give up with you two varmints! So long as you stay the hay away from mah farm when you're in that thar... THANG ah don't give a darn whut you do!"

"Aw, don't be like that, Applejack! I can tell ya love us really!" Gonzo wheedled, swiftly bending down and scooping the mare up in a bear-hug.

This startled Applejack into intense embarrassment, her whole face turning bright red at being handled in such a fashion. She started sputtering before finding her voice, and words to use... "PUH-PUT ME DOWN THIS INSTANT YOU CELESTIA-DAMNED FREAK O' NATURE! AH WILL NOT BE MARE-HANDLED LIKE A FOAL!" She screamed, thrashing around in the beard's grasp. The scene, much to Applejack's further embarrassment, garnered a few sniggers from her fellow ponies, namely Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie and, of all of the group, the royal sisters. Skeletoid, also, was stifling the chortles.

Swiftly, she was set back on her hooves by a grinning Gonzo, who playfully slapped her posterior as she veritably galloped to a safe distance before turning and fixing him with a glare that could have killed thousands. "YOU SO MUCH AS LOOK AT ME FUNNY AN' AH'LL BUCK YA TO THE MOON!" Applejack yelled at him. "AN' YOU DARE PUT A HOOF ON MAH FLANK AGIN AN' AH'LL... DO SOMETHIN' MIGHTY UNPLEASANT!"

This little outburst had Rainbow Dash actually rolling on the floor laughing, and everyone else struggling not to follow suit. Even Fluttershy was seeing the funny side of it.

"Come, come now dear. I was merely attempting to lighten the mood. And anyway, can't put a hoof on you even if I wanted to. Don't got none. Got me some pretty nifty hands, mind." The beard offered, holding them up and wiggling his fingers. "But I must say, for a pony, your arse is truly magnificent!" He exclaimed, a mild look of awe on his face. This caused the orange mare's blush to practically burst down to her shoulders, causing her to stammer her way through a slew of warnings and insults.

"Boy, Slow down! I know you're more for what's on the inside than the outside, but seriously! They're not even from the same melting pot, let alone moulds!" Skeletoid warned, more than a hint of worry in his tone. It was all well and good joking about fucking a hor... Pony, but the brief glint in his friend's eye had suggested that if the circumstances arose...

"What can I say, boy? If it's wet, warm and willing, I'm DTF." Gonzo replied nonchalantly. Skeletoid turned rather pale. It was no secret he was more than a touch shallow when it came to the opposite gender, and he was not about to follow his compatriot down the road to what he considered borderline bestiality.

"Gosh, I know I'm gonna regret asking this, but... What does DTF stand for?" Twilight asked the question on everypony's mind, blatantly cringing as she awaited the answer.

"Oh right, yeah, acronyms... My bad. Down To Fuck." Gonzo stated simply.

"...And I'm gonna go ahead and assume 'fuck' is a slang term for... Ahem... For-fornicating...?" The purple pony asked, turning more than a little pink herself.

Unnoticed by all but her sister, Luna's ears rotated a little more squarely in the direction of the hairy biped.

Gonzo nodded. "That's about the long and short of it. It's also classed as a swear word, but really, as far as the English language goes, is one of the most versatile words in the dictionary. One can use it as noun, verb, adjective etc etc." he rambled.

Luna's lips curled upwards ever-so-imperceptibly on learning this little tidbit. It had been a while since she had taken anypony... Or rather anyONE, as had been pointed out earlier, as a bedmate. Her last was a rather dashing gryphon in his thirties who had certainly known his way around a mare. She had thought of pursuing a relationship with him before learning that, outside of the bedroom, he was a shade on the simpler side of the tree of knowledge. Conversations had always been more than a little one-sided. Applejack, on the other hand, had to be laid down on a chaise lounge that seemingly appeared from the end of the white one... Rarestone? No, Rarity! Her horn.

"Sister, I do feel it prudent to warn you against pursuing any form of relationship with these creatures. They are still a veritable enigma and quite possibly dangerous. They seem to make no secret of their almost nomadic lifestyle-" Celestia's whispered warning was swiftly cut off.

"Oh nonsense, sister! Is it not obvious they possess no more magic than the average stone? What danger could they possibly be to beings as powerful as you and I? We understand your reluctance to trust these... Humans, especially given their somewhat abrasive nature and penchant for reckless behaviour-" now it was Luna's turn to be interrupted.

"Luna, you saw for yourself what these beasts and that... Metal monstrosity did to the land on their exit from the Everfree! And the STENCH that still hangs in the air from whatever chemical concoction it burns is frankly offensive!" Celestia shot back.

"Yes, quite. We find it a little eye-watering, admittedly, but can you smell the other scent that seems to be emanating from the cabin? We can also smell traces of it on the two of them. It smells very pungent, but also herbal in nature." Luna offered, completely derailing her sister's tirade in the process.

Celestia, a little put out from having her argument shut down so effectively, nevertheless had her curiosity piqued and took a very deep breath in through her nostrils, attempting to pick out the scent to which her younger sibling was referring. No... There! That's it! Indeed, very pungent, herbal, a touch sweet, but very, very rich. How she hadn't picked up on it beforehand was a mystery. "What do you suppose it is, sister?" She asked.

"We haven't the faintest idea, Celly. Shall we investigate? Our little ponies seem to be keeping our new arrivals quite tied up playing 20-questions with them." The Mistress of the Night replied, a devious little grin on her muzzle as she quietly snuck closer to the ThunderBus, subtly using her magic to open the door nearest them.

"Lulu, you are truly terrible! We really shouldn't..." Celestia half-heartedly objected, already following her younger sibling's lead. She was more paranoid of being caught in the act than Luna was, having never had the rebellious streak her sister so obviously possessed.

The pair swiftly arrived at the open door and both poked their heads in, sniffing intently at anything and everything in the cab of the aged 4x4. Gonzo had, obviously, stashed the rolling supplies in the 'Bus after knocking up the earlier blunt. It didn't take the pair long to locate the source of the smell. If you know the dash layout of a Series 2 Land Rover, you'll know of the shelf-like nature of it, and of the spaces either side of the steering column to house all manner of crap. He had put the gear, baccy, papers and lighter in the left-hand section, next to the clocks. (Author's note: remember, Ameri- and Eurofags, we're talking right-hand-drive in this instance. We English drive on the left.) Luna swiftly picked up the shiny silver... Thing that was giving off the strangely enticing aroma in her magic and the sisters looked the shit out of it as she turned it over and around. It was roughly 4" long by about 1" square, and the silver crinkly stuff looked to be a wrapping of sorts.

"Come on Lulu, open it! Don't keep me in suspense!" Celestia squealed, veritably bouncing in place. Her earlier reluctance seemed to have disappeared in favour of finding out the source of that almost heavenly smell. The more she breathed it in, the more she wanted.

"Calm yourself Celly! Anypony would think thou art a foal on Hearth's Warming morning." Luna jibed, slowly unfolding the metal wrapping. She, too, was most curious as to the contents, but was doing a much better job of keeping a lid on her excitement.

They were both somewhat underwhelmed when they unwrapped what looked to be a lump of very dark brown and somewhat sticky... compacted dirt. At least that's what it looked like. The smell, however, had increased thrice fold, minimum. Oh, this was definitely the stuff! Luna brought the strange block of... whatever closer and the pair took a loooooooooooooooooong sniff.

As did somebody else standing not too far away. "Boy, you got another smoke tucked away in your pocket or something?" Skeletoid asked, interrupting somewhat.

"Yes, Twilight, I am saying that we are the only sentient species... Err, no boy. Why you ask?" Gonzo replied, leaving a stunned-looking purple pony standing there with her mouth agape, the others looking equally flabbergasted.

"Thought I smelled some gear is all." Skeletoid shrugged.

Gonzo took a deep lungful- "Hey! What're you two weirdos talking about?" Rainbow Dash demanded, becoming more and more curious of these creatures the more she heard.

"You tellin' me you can't smell that?" Skeletoid asked the pair, looking somewhat confused.

"Of course I can smell it, boy. It en't... me... though..." He trailed off, a frown coming across his fizzog as he turned toward the bus...

Rainbow Dash and Skeletoid did the same while the other ponies discussed the implications of living on a planet with only one sentient species, seemingly oblivious to the rest of them....

"Whatcha doooin'?" Pinkie asked, suddenly perched on Gonzo's shoulders, appearing out of thin air, and craning her neck forward so she could look him in the eyes, albeit upside-down.

"FUCK ME!!" Gonzo screamed, jumping out of his skin and a whole three foot backwards, which unfortunately had him falling arse over tit as his legs collided with Applejack's rear end, knocking Rarity to one side and ending up in a very compromising position with his head somehow ending up between Fluttershy's back legs. Face up. "Well, that's something I never expected to see quite so soon..." He stated dryly.

It took Fluttershy a moment or two to mentally catch up on what had happened in the space of about 5-odd seconds. When she looked about herself and saw the strange hairy creature laying on his back with his face a scant few inches from her most private area, the resulting tsunami of embarrassment that washed over her, caused the poor mare to faint almost instantly, her legs giving out and letting her body fall.

Straight.

Down.

This resulted in a muffled stream of profanity from Gonzo as his arms flailed uselessly, while both Rarity and Applejack began a completely unhindered verbal tirade about indecent behaviour and minding where one steps.

Twilight had seemingly mentally blue screened, standing stock still, mouth agape with eyes like dinner plates.

Pinkie, being Pinkie, had miraculously avoided the whole kerfuffle and was now rolling around in the grass laughing uproariously at the situation, joined shortly by both Skeletoid and Rainbow Dash.

The whole incident had, of course, drawn the attention of the Royal Sisters the minute Gonzo had screamed. They watched the scene play out with amused smirks on their muzzles. It was only as Fluttershy fainted, planting her mare bits squarely on Gonzo's nose did the pair react.

Celestia very nearly lost her royal composure completely to the hilarity of the situation, sniggering up a veritable storm.

Luna... Well...

"HOW VERY DARE SHE?!! I WANTED TO BE THE FIRST ONE TO SIT ON HIS FACE!!! She yelled in her best Canterlot voice.

Celestia lost her shit. Completely.

Rainbow Dash couldn't breathe.

Twilight and Rarity passed out.

Applejack turned bright red with embarrassment at the mental image.

Pinkie looked genuinely shocked.

Fluttershy remained unconscious. Probably for the best.

Skeletoid looked at her like she'd just killed his mother.

Gonzo made a smart comment: "Takin' public relations a little far, no?"

The resultant vibrations through Fluttershy's unmentionables caused her to involuntarily let out a small moan, even whilst unconscious.

Luna was quick to act at this, swiftly levitating Fluttershy upwards and away from Gonzo's head and depositing her next to the still furiously blushing Applejack. For reasons unknown, ever since he'd picked her up with such seeming ease, she had been struggling not to think of him in a more... suggestive fashion. There was something about a strong stallion... well, male of any species, that warmed her nethers in ways untold. A male that could even rival her in terms of endurance and strength was a rare thing, outside of her own family. And she was NOT about to go fulfilling the southern belle stereotype of interbreeding. Didn't leave her much in the way of choice...

HOWEVER!

In the meantime, Luna had stalked over to the prone form of Gonzo, who now looked a touch intimidated by the seemingly enraged mare. She stood directly over him, forehooves practically in his armpits, rear hooves just past his hips. Looking him square in the eyes, she spoke in a low, almost sultry tone. "Human. While it is my preferred method to attract potential partners by more conventional methods, I feel my hoof has been forced. This being the case, I am taking a more direct approach. I wish to proposition your services to, as you say, fuck with me."

The beard actually looked flustered at this. Here he was, stranger in a strange land, fucked up the meet-and-greet to near catastrophic proportions, nearly caused grievous bodily harm to one of the royal sisters, generally pissed off everyone he'd met thus far, and was now being asked by the other sister for sex.

WHAT?!!

His thought process was interrupted by a borderline hysterical Skeletoid. "Boy! Don't do it! I know that look on any woman and I'm telling you as your best mate, DO NOT FUCK THE PONY!"

The glare Luna shot at him could have lain waste to an empire. A quick flash of her horn and he lay bound and gagged in the dirt. She then leaned in closer to the hairy one twixt her hooves, whispering in his ear, "I am thousands of years old. I have indulged in any and every fetish your puny mind can conjure up. As long as I get mine, I give you permission to use me in any and every way you please."

Gonzo grinned with such animalistic carnality, the Night Princess wondered if the no-holds-barred offer had been wise. "Been a while has it, your highness?" He asked in a worryingly sweet tone. Luna turned more than a little pink at this, a barely perceptible nod all she could muster in response. His reply went thus: "I may not know my way around a talking equine, but by the time I'm done with you, I plan to know how to make you cum using only my little finger." He wiggled the dinky digit in front of her nose for emphasis.

Luna looked equally turned on and indignant at his boastful claim. "Do not presume me 'easy', peasant! I shall make you work for it like you have never worked for anything before in your pathetic existance!" She stated.

His grin only got more predatory. "Challenge accepted! Your place or mine?"

The dark blue alicorn groaned. "That line was old before I spent a millennia on the moon!"

"Ahem!"

The pair turned their heads in the direction of the interruption, matching expressions of irritation, complete with raised brow.

"Forgive me for breaking up your verbal coitus session, dear sister, but we do still need to determine whether your new sex toy and his hogtied companion are a threat to the nation or not." Celestia intoned in a bored, maybe even slightly jealous voice, matching their expression with one of her own.

Luna rolled her eyes. "Ugh. Fine. If we must."

Gonzo looked skyward before rubbing his face with both hands. "Man, what a cock-block."

Author's Note

Well, there you have chapter 4. Bit of a struggle, this one. I'm a bit narked it's only 5k words, there or thereabouts. Been busy making bits for me bike, so writing has taken a back seat for a wee while, and as such the creative juices have been redirected to that.

If you read this and feel the need to click the downvote button, FOR FUCK'S SAKE, TELL ME WHY!!! It royally fucks me off when people don't tell me what it is they take issue with, or simply downvote because they 'don't like the story'.