Friday – 4:28 P.M.

“Are you telling me that you would just stand by and let a civilization be wiped out as it faces a natural catastrophe?” Spike asked in a slightly belligerent tone as he sat at the bar with his brother and brother-in-law.

Several empty shot glasses lined the counter. And so the discussion had taken a rather philosophical turn, at least in terms of Pony Trek.

“Nope,” Big Mac answered after a few moments of thought. “All ah'm saying is that the Prime Directive is there for a reason. Ya can't get involved with a less developed culture, or it'll have unintended consequences.”

“That doesn't justify letting people die for your principles,” the dragon snorted.

“What about a war?”

“That's different. And it's just common sense to not get involved, whether it's a less developed species or not. That's why the Enterprise had to stay out of the Humgonian Civil War. But you can't generalize that. If a natural event threatens a species with extinction, you should apply the intent of the law, not the letter of it. After all, it's meant to protect other species.”

Big Mac shook his head. “A starship captain's most solemn oath is that he will give his life, even his entire crew, rather than violate the Prime Directive,” he quoted stubbornly.

“Can you believe this guy?” Spike asked Shining Armor.

“I’m staying out of this,” the stallion answered and knocked back another whiskey. “You know I’ve always been more of a Space Wars kinda guy anyway.”

“Wait, I got Rodent Berry’s book in my bag somewhere. I’ve got the page where he talks about the Prime Directive marked … and … wait …What!?” All of a sudden, the young dragon upended his bag onto the counter and began frantically searching the contents. “Where is it?”

“Spike, what’s wrong?” Shining Armor asked in bewilderment.

The dragon grabbed him by the shoulders and stared intently at him. “Shining, think back. Did I have a blue ribbon with me when we came here?”

“A what?”

Picking up on what was going on, Big Mac set his features into a scowl. “Don’t tell me ya lost Ma’s ribbon!?”

Spike gulped visibly and let out a breath of flame that only narrowly missed his brother-in-law. “Sowwy,” he mumbled while clamping his claws over his mouth to avoid the unintentional bursts.

That’s when Shining Armor realized the severity of the situation. For Spike to lapse into a flame hiccup, as the Sparkle family called it, something must have startled him deeply. The last time it had happened was when they’d cancelled the Pony Trek movie, and Spike had nearly burned down the family vacation home in the process.

But Shining Armor was a military pony through and through. So he knew information gathering at this stage was of the essence. “Okay, can somepony help a brother out and tell me what the deal is?”

Spike was still hiccupping flame while the barkeeper, a stout earth pony with a red mane, did his best to get all the top shelf alcohol out of the line of fire to avert a catastrophe. So Big Mac took it upon himself to explain. “That blue ribbon, it belonged to our Ma, Buttercup. Granny Smith dug it up from the attic so AJ could wear it at the wedding. Spike was supposed to give it to her.”

Spike’s eyes grew in size with every word, reflecting the apparent horror he felt. “I was gonna give it to her during the cake tasting, but she never showed up.” Then words escaped him as he descended into fresh hiccups.

“Hey, watch it!” the barkeeper pleaded as another bottle of top shelf was disintegrated, spraying little shards of glass every which way. Thankfully, the bar was currently sparsely populated.

“AH CAN’T BELIEVE YA LOST IT!!!” Big Mac bellowed. It was perhaps the highest in volume he’d ever gone up to since his teen years.

“I … I … I …” Spike could only stammer as fear gripped hold of him. He knew AJ would never forgive him if this memento of her mother was truly gone forever. It was almost enough to startle him sober.

“Enough!” Shining Armor said with conviction.

The barkeep breathed a sigh of relief. “Finally, looks like at least one of you still has his head on strai… Oi!”

The former Captain of the Royal Guard jumped onto the counter, his grace only slightly marred by the empty glasses he sent flying. “Pray thee, brave sirs! ‘Tis nary the time to fight amongst ourselves. Noble Sir Spike hath need of us!”

“What the buck?” the earth pony asked, to which Shining gave him a decidedly lopsided grin, making him reevaluate his half-finished assertion as he mentally tallied up how many drinks he’d served the threesome.

“’Tis a quest, good merchant of fine wine and ale,” the unicorn replied airily before turning back to Spike and Big Mac. “Hark! Adventure beckons! We must needs find this ancient treasure so that the golden-haired maid may not weep this day. Our brother knight has humbly asked for our assistance in this grave undertaking! We shall find this erstwhile trinket! Follow me, brave knights! Onwards, to adventure!”

The bartender simply watched as the three adventurers under the leadership of Sir Not-So-Sober-After-All swayed outside. Sighing, he began wiping down the counter and picked up the phone with the other hoof. “Hello, Ponyville Police Station? … Yeah, bachelor party of three, just headed out. Gonna be one of those nights. … Oh, no. Don’t worry. I know them well enough. They’ll pay their tab. Just thought I’d give you a heads up. … And a good night to you, Chief.”

***

Friday – 5:12 P.M.

“Would ya stop fretting, Rarity? The dress looks fabulous as it is.”

The fashionista was sitting in the hot tub of the Ponyville Spa, quietly brooding with the warm water up to her nose. “I will never let it go, Applejack,” she said, lifting her lips out of the water for a moment to reveal a frown. “That mare robbed you, I say. That yellow garnet was the perfect accessory to go with your braids, and SHE STOLE IT!”

“Who stole what now?” Twilight Sparkle asked as she stepped into the room with a roll of toilet paper levitated in her magic field.

Pinkie snatched up the toilet paper and continued on her quest to wrap AJ in a toilet paper wedding dress with the help of Rainbow Dash.

“It ain’t nothing, Twi,” Applejack replied, letting herself get spun around while the others continued with various traditional bachelorette party activities. Twilight, Rarity and Fluttershy had decided to make use of the party location and get pampered before the wedding. Pinkie and Rainbow Dash were mummifying the bride to be with toilet paper, and Twilight Velvet had opted for that most traditional of activities: Staying within hoof’s reach of the bar and getting plastered.

“It ain’t nothing,” Rarity sneered in an impressive approximation of AJ’s country accent. “It was everything! And now the ensemble will never be complete!”

“I’m still not following,” Twilight admitted. “The dress looked fine to me, too.”

Rarity let out a theatrical sigh. “Velvet, darling! I must say something now, or be forever doomed to hold my piece. You, dear madam, did a poor job of giving your daughter a fashion education. And please, when you rectify your mistake, do include your new daughter-in-law. So would you please explain to both of them what tragedy hath befallen us? I cannot even!”

Velvet shrugged. “I was never that fashion savvy myself,” she admitted while pouring herself another Manehattan. “But yes, even I can admit that the embroidery on the Stetson now seems to lack something. It was fine when AJ wore her mane open. But with the braids, it simply lacks a little,” she twirled her hoof, looking for the right word, “panache.”

“Thank you,” Rarity put in. “I’m glad one pony at least understands my plight.”

Velvet nodded, knocking back her drink.

“It ain’t any excuse for giving that mare in the marketplace a black eye over it,” Applejack said accusingly.

“Rarity!” Twilight gasped, giving her friend a disappointed look.

“It was an accident!” The fashionista defended herself. “She vultured the gemstone right out from under our noses just as I’d seen the perfect one. There was a slight argument as I attempted to explain calmly …”

“And loudly,” AJ muttered under her breath.

“… that it was of vital importance that we had this gem,” Rarity went on, ignoring the interruption. “You know I tend to gesticulate while I explain. My hoof didn’t strike her on purpose. And then she had the gall to call ME a drama queen while SHE started threatening to sue the store and us.”

“What happened then?” Twilight inquired.

“The shopkeeper sold the gem to the other mare at a discount and threw us out on our asses,” Velvet replied with aplomb.

“Velvet, darling! Language!”

As Twilight climbed into the hot tub to join the others, she cast a sideways glance at her mother. She knew that impolite language was in the prolific author’s vocabulary of course, but she also knew that she was usually very good at keeping a lid on it unless … “Mom, how much have you had to drink tonight?”

Velvet shrugged and twirled her hoof. “A couple? I’m paying for the open bar, might as well make use of it.”

“And I’m guessing there’s some Writer’s Milk in that mix, too?”

Velvet gave her daughter a blank look, after she’d managed to focus on her, at least. “Twilight, sweetie. Your younger brother is going to get married tomorrow.”

“Technically …” AJ began.

“Yes, yes,” Velvet waved her off. “Technically you’re already married. That’s exactly why I’m celebrating and why I’ve got catching up to do. So, Twilight, my last remaining unmarried foal, when you finally get married, you get to tell me how much I get to drink at your bachelorette party. How does that sound?”

“Oh, sick burn … *hic* … did I say that right?”

“Fluttershy!” Twilight gasped at the tipsy pegasus next to her, given the uncharacteristic outburst.

“Perfectly, dear,” Velvet replied with a beaming grin while walking towards the edge of the tub and bumping a hoof with the giggling pegasus, before lowering her head to whisper to her daughter loud enough for everypony else to hear. “Which reminds me, how are things going with that guard? What was his name? Flash Sentry? Cadence keeps bringing him along on those trips, just so the two of you can see each other.”

“Twilight has a coltfriend!” Rainbow Dash sang in her best schoolyard sing-song voice while catching the roll of toilet paper and tossing it back to Pinkie Pie.

Blushing furiously and thoroughly shut up, Twilight immersed herself in the warm water up to her muzzle. “My mother is a bad influence on you guys.”

“You know,” Pinkie put in at that moment, “if it’s a yellow garnet you’re looking for. The Cakes had a commission a while back that fell through that was supposed to be garnished with one. Some special order by a dragon. They might still have it lying around.”

“What!?” Rarity screamed. “And you didn’t mention this until now? To Sugarcube Corner, gentlemares! Right now!”

“What in tarna … urgh … Rarity, slow yer … urp …” Unable to get out a coherent sentence, AJ found herself spinning like a top as Rarity yanked the mare after her by telekinetically grabbing the toilet paper and dragging her in her wake.

Velvet hiccupped, shrugged and followed after refilling her glass one last time.

“Should we go after them?” Rainbow asked after a moment.

“Or at least tell them that the Cakes have locked up the shop and are camping out at the wedding pavilion to do their final preparations in the morning?” Pinkie added.

Still mostly submerged, Twilight snorted. “Nah, maybe the fresh air will do them good. By the time they find their way back, perhaps they’ll have sobered up a little.”

Fluttershy giggled at that. “Not as long as your mom has that flask of hers.”

***

Friday – 11:15 P.M.

A drake and two stallions stood valiantly atop a dark hill on the outskirts of Ponyville, their uniforms and sashes blowing in the wind.

“Shining, why are we dressed like this?” Spike asked, tugging at his Starfleet uniform.

“Because,” Shining Armor replied, settling the ill-fitting knight outfit, “this was my gift to you, a last night of freedom, one last adventure. Once married, you never get to do this.”

“Eh,” Spike replied and finally realized that, due to his dragon constitution, he was probably the most sober of the group. “I literally married AJ the first time while wearing this. I think she’s fine with it, to be honest. And the other night in the bedroom we dressed up and she came in with a bowl of spaghetti …”

“Nope Nope Nope Nope Nope Nope Nope,” Big Mac, wearing all the trappings of a Humgonian warrior, repeated to himself while clamping his forehooves over his ears and trying to block out whatever Spike was about to say.

“Oh, sure,” Shining went on, only slightly slurring his words. “It’s all fine in the bedroom, or for the Crystal Reneighsance Fair. But you don’t get to LARP. You wanna wear the exact same thing and run around a field with your buddies while throwing packets of rice at each other, then it’s suddenly ‘childish’ or ‘not really befitting of a prince consort to be seen like this in public’ or whatever.”

“Shining? Everything alright between you and Cadence?” Spike asked carefully.

“Sure, sure. I love her. We’re great.” Then he draped one forehoof across Spike’s shoulder and pointed towards town with the other. “But tonight it’s just us, and we’ll have a glorious adventure, recovering the trinket of your lady from the castle.”

Spike cleared his throat and moved Shining’s hoof so that it was actually pointing towards Sugarcube Corner. That’s when he noticed it. “Huh, there’s light on. Weird, Cakes told me they were taking the kids and camping out near the pavilion.”

At that, Big Mac shouldered his way past the two to look down in horror. “Burglars. What if they take Ma’s ribbon?”

“There’s probably a more reasonable explanation,” Spike replied. “Even if, I doubt they’d go in there to steal a ribbon.”

Snorting, Big Mac pawed at the ground, lowered his head and began thundering down the hillside. “TODAY … IS A GOOD DAY … FOR PIE!!!”

“Looks like he’s not gonna take that chance,” Shining determined and began ambling after him. “CHARGE!!! For the Honor of Greyspine!!!”

“Guys!” Spike shouted after them, looked around the now empty hill, and ran after them.

***

Friday – 11:13 P.M.

“Let’s go back, Rarity. This is silly,” AJ pleaded while Velvet made their way past the two mares towards the locked front door of Sugarcube Corner.

“I refuse to give up when we’re so close,” Rarity replied petulantly, stomping her hooves on the ground. “I want this to be perfect for you, darling.”

“It ain’t got to be perfect, sugarcube. Spike and ah are already married. A silly trinket ain’t gonna make or break the day. I love ya for trying, but the shop’s closed.”

*click*

Both mares looked over towards Velvet who was holding the front door open for them. “Did ya wanna go in or not? *hic*”

“Yes, you’re a star, darling!” Rarity exclaimed and wasted no time entering and putting a light on to start rummaging around.

“Rarity!” AJ called, then clamped her mouth shut, looking around briefly before she dragged Velvet inside as well. “Auntie, did you just pick that lock?”

“Why, yes, dear,” Velvet replied with a lopsided grin as she pushed the hairpin back into her mane and took a swig from her flask. “You’d be surprised the things you learn when doing research for a mystery novel.”

AJ raised a hoof, but paused with a wince when she heard some glass shatter from behind the counter. “Hold that thought. Discussion for later.” Then she moved further inside and hissed at her friend: “Ya do realize that what we’re doin’ right now oughta be considered breaking and entering, right?”

“Oh, relax, darling,” Rarity replied, continuing to rifle through cabinets and cupboards. “The Cakes are our friends. We’ll leave them a note and I’m going to pay them back tomorrow. This is a fashion emergency.”

Suddenly, the three mares jumped as a huge crash could be heard from the direction of the back door. “What in tarnation was that?” AJ asked.

Velvet chuckled. “I dunno. Ghosts?”

Rarity gave a nervous laugh. “Don’t be silly, darling. Ghosts aren’t …”

Pans and pots clanged throughout the kitchen, the noise of chaos growing closer and closer until a large, white apparition burst through the doors and into the main area.

“GHOOOSSSSTTTTT!!!!” Rarity screamed and bolted the other direction, bowling over AJ and Velvet until the other two mares scrambled back to their hooves and likewise took of screaming.

***

Friday – 11:21 P.M.

“Mac, stop!” Spike shouted in desperation, but it was too late.

The large form of the earth pony stallion, hardened through years of physical labor, barreled through the back door of Sugarcube Corner as Shining Armor gaily jumped after him with a “Tally Ho!”

Then Spike’s world went dark as something covered his eyes and he found himself running into his compatriots, sending the trio careening throughout the kitchen while seemingly running into every counter, stove and kitchen implement inside the entire shop.

Waving his arms, Spike finally managed to free his vision after they’d already run through the entire length of the shop, out the other side, and him and Shining being dragged along by the tablecloth Big Mac had gotten himself entangled in.

“Big Mac, stooooop!” Spike shouted once again when he saw something big and dark looming in their path, but once again his shout fell on deaf ears until the unstoppable force met the immovable object in the form of Big Mac running headlong into a solid wall.

It was then and there that Spike realized why inertia dampeners were always such a big thing on his favorite show. Feeling himself continuing to go forward, he took Shining’s unintentional hoof right to the gut, found himself heaving and breathed a gout of flame that he was only just able to angle away from his brother and brother-in-law.

He did, however, recognize the Ponyville clock tower as he looked up, as well as the fact that a corner of it was now very much on fire. “Oh no, oh no, oh no,” was his mantra as he tried to pat out the flames.

“Aha!” With that exclamation, his world turned upside down once again as Big Mac ripped something from his foot that had gotten stuck to it through their tumble. “Ma’s ribbon! Q’apla!”

Unfortunately, cracking his head on the dirt road after literally having the ground pulled out from under him, another unintentional fire breath escaped the dragon, stoking the inferno at the corner of the old wooden construction and he moved his claws over his mouth to prevent any further exhalations.

“Quest successful,” he heard Shining declare before he had to blink his eyes as a flashlight was suddenly shone into his face.

Chief Bronze Shield stood there, staring at the inferno before slowly turning towards Spike, not saying anything.

“Hiya, Chief,” Spike said in a muffled voice, not trusting himself to move his claws off his face, “could you get a hold of the Fire Department real quick?”

***

Friday – 11:24 P.M.

“Rarity! Stop!” Applejack yelled while huffing and puffing. “Ya know as well as ah do that wasn’t a ghost back there!”

“I know that!” Rarity shrieked back over her shoulder, her breathing equally labored. “I’m not running! I’m following her!”

She indicated Velvet who was running ahead of them while shouting “Whee!!!”

“The way she’s going, she’s heading straight into the Everfree!”

“Oh, for pony’s sake!” Seeing the dark treeline looming closer, AJ snapped her jaws at the remains of her toilet paper dress, twirled her head a couple of times to twist it into the semblance of a lasso and let muscle memory of years of rodeo participations take over, aiming for her errant mother-in-law.

“Whoo!” Velvet kept giggling in what could only be described Pinkie Pie – levels of elation even as she tripped and the three mares rolled straight into a tree at the outskirts of the Everfree, getting covered in leaves and tree sap. “I haven’t had this much fun since college!”

The two younger mares just stayed on the ground, catching their breaths until they suddenly heard a male voice speak up. “Are you alright, ladies? We had reports of a disturbance in the area.”

“Finally, the evening’s getting good!” It was Velvet who immediately got up to greet the young officer.

“Ma’am?” Deputy Beagle asked in confusion as the older mare got uncomfortably close to his face and he found himself immediately blushing.

“And here I thought my daughter was too much of a prude to hire one,” Velvet giggled, lifting the stallion’s hat off and throwing it away. “Skip the bit, officer. Take it off. Take it all off.”

“Oh no,” Rarity mumbled into AJ’s ear as she saw the display of Velvet rubbing herself against him, tree sap covering the uniform immediately. “Do you think she mistook him for a …”

“Oh, for pony’s sake,” was all AJ could add as she buried her face in her hooves, blushing furiously.

“I think,” Deputy Beagle said, trying awkwardly to keep the overly affectionate Velvet off of him and certainly catching a whiff of the alcohol on her breath, “that I’m going to have to ask the three of you politely to accompany me down to the station.”

“Oh, are you gonna slap cuffs on us if we resist?” Velvet asked in a voice that was way more excited than it had any right to be.

Applejack groaned.

***

Saturday – 3:04 A.M.

“As you can see, Your Highness,” Chief Bronze Shield said while he sat at his desk, going over the paperwork with Twilight, “most ponies, upon hearing the circumstances, were willing to drop the charges, provided the damages will be paid for.”

Twilight, who had been shooting glances at the culprits during the recounting of the events that had led them here, sighed and signed the release forms for Big Mac, Shining Armor, Rarity and Applejack. “I'll make sure of it. You have my word as a Princess of the Realm on it.”

He nodded, adding his own signature and a stamp to the papers. “I'm sure they'll accept that. We both know that the residents of Ponyville are a very forgiving bunch within reason.” He nodded towards Deputy Beagle, who picked up on the signal and opened the cells. “So I'll release your friends and your brother into your custody. Just make sure to keep them out of trouble.”

“I can keep my friends in check,” Twilight grumbled. “As for my brother, I'm quite sure Princess Cadence has her own forms of punishment for him.”

Shining Armor winced noticeably at that comment. Bronze Shield cleared his throat, trying to keep things strictly professional. After all, it was his job to uphold the law, not to judge. That was up to the courts and the princesses. “What should we do about Spike? Damage to a historic monument falls under the purview of the Crown, which means you have the authority to summarily rule on the matter right now if you wish.”

Twilight thought about that for a moment. Then she spoke without hesitation or mercy in her voice. “You can release him as well. He will be donating his weekends for the next month or so to repairing the damage and giving the clock tower a new coat of paint.”

“I will?” Spike asked from his cell.

“Yes, you will,” Twilight told him in no uncertain terms. “And the cost for the supplies will be coming out of your pay.”

The dragon gulped, then lowered his head. “Yes, Your Highness,” he said, in one of the rare moments when he addressed his oldest friend by her official title.

“Don't worry, sugarcube,” Applejack comforted him. “Ah'll help ya.”

“No, you won't, Applejack,” Twilight interjected immediately, not even looking at them. “If I let the two of you handle this together, odds are there's gonna be even more fire damage. No help!”

“Right,” the Chief said, looking a little perplexed at the blushing couple and Twilight's odd choice of words while rifling through his desk drawer for a form 39B. “I'll just mark the sentence down as community service, then. This will require the approval of the Mayor, but, as I've said before, she's probably gonna be happy about getting the tower restored without straining the city budget.”

Twilight nodded. “I'll talk to her in the morning.”

“That leaves us with your mother,” Bronze Shield said delicately, casting a glance at the one remaining mare behind bars, who was sleeping on the small cot, her snores periodically broken up by a small hiccup or two. “Though I'm afraid that's out of my hooves.”

“I understand.” Twilight stood up and walked over to the junior officer standing in front of the cells. “Alright, Deputy Beagle. What's it going to take to make this go away?”

The young stallion glanced over at his boss. “Well, …, this is really a matter of principle. Gotta respect the uniform, if not the stallion, and all that.”

“I understand perfectly. But let's approach this logically. One: My mother isn't a Ponyville resident, so this isn't gonna negatively impact the reputation of the Ponyville Police Force, and it's gonna be much less hassle for everypony involved if you just dropped this. Two: This is a first offense, so letting her off with a warning seems sufficient to me. Three: I'll make sure you get a proper apology, once I get her sobered up that is. And finally, was what she did really that bad?”

Beagle looked away with a blush. “Well, I gotta admit, it was actually a little flattering in certain respects.”

“So would you be willing to drop the charges?”

“Well … maybe, …” The stallion once again glanced at Bronze Shield, then waved for Twilight to come closer while he whispered something in her ear.

Twilight raised an eyebrow. “Really?” Finally, exhaustion overrode her desire to do things by the book, so she gave Bronze Shield a dead-pan look. “Chief, take a nap. You didn't see or hear any of this.” She didn't want to take advantage of his kindness, but she figured she'd be able to get away with it just this once.

“Right, I'll just be sitting here at my desk, dozing off,” he acknowledged.

Twilight concentrated on one of the shelves in her private study back in the castle and summoned a book from there, handing it over to Beagle. “One 1st edition copy of Canterlot Secret Society, signed by my mother.”

The young officer beamed as he received the volume from her, until he met the stern look from his superior. “My wife's a fan of her early work,” he said sheepishly.

“Rule of Acquisition #98,” Spike whispered towards Big Mac. “Every stallion has his price.”

“Eyup,” the farmpony confirmed with a stoic nod.

“Auntie wrote that line, you know.”

“Alright, everypony. Back home and sleep it off,” Twilight told the lot of them. “You've got a wedding to go to in the morning, for pony's sake!”

Spike and Shining Armor took it upon themselves to pick up the still sleeping Velvet between the two of them. There was no need to even discuss the matter.

“Thank you, Chief. I appreciate your cooperation, and your discretion,” Twilight told Bronze Shield as they filed out of the small police station.

He nodded in return. “Just keep them out of trouble for the rest of the weekend.”

“I’ll do my best. And?”

“And I'd appreciate it if you could talk to Mayor Mare about our overtime pay again?”

“Done,” Twilight confirmed, holding out her hoof.

He shook it warmly. “Goodnight, Your Highness.”

“Goodnight, Chief,” Twilight replied with a tone of relief in her voice as she turned to follow the sorry procession out the door. “Keep up the good work.”

Author's Note

The grand finale is likely to come next month as the voting stands on my Patreon page.