20

Okay, so you’re not going to BELIEVE this. It’s a good sort of not-believe-this, I promise.

You know how Twilight was a smuggy Mcsmug-head for, like, the past couple of weeks or so? About this whole “oooh, I know her, but I’m not going to tell you who she is, oooh, secrets and lies, oooh, I guess you like reading after all, oooooooooooooooh”?

And you know how they both kind of ran into me, her and AJ I mean, just like out of the nowhere?

So I was heading out to get a bit of fresh air, spread my wings and – smack – plow right into Twilight while I was rounding a corner. Not my fault this stupid castle likes to have tight, maze-y corners and stuff, being all pretentious with its “ooooooh fabulous ooooooh fancy ooooooooooooooh” layout. Like Carousel Boutique with the tackiness turned up to 11, right?

But she’s holding on to a folder, and like, the contents go flying everywhere. So I start to try and pick them up, while she’s whining and scrabbling about all over the place, and I’m telling her to stop being such a newborn when I go and pick up a stray piece of paper and – get this – it’s a suggestive photo of Princess Celestia.

I know, right?

She was doing one of those lying-on-her-side-body-shot, full horizontal. It looked more like some kind of painting, more then anything else, but it didn’t have any paint or filter or anything. Still, though.

And then I feel a tugging on the paper, and it’s Twilight trying to use magic to jerk it out of my hands, so I grip down harder, at which point she yanks on it so hard the thing tears in half, also horizontally. Ouch.

“Give that back!” she yells. So I tell her okay, and then whip down and grab another picture before she could keep it out of my hands. And this time, it’s a back-angle shot, of the princess almost literally pressing her plot against the camera, turning her head to look at a coquettish (not sure I’m using that word right? I didn’t ask Twilight, she’s not much in the mood to be asked questions right now) side-angle at the lens.

Which was actually the second-best or best plot I’ve seen in, like, ever. ~~It sure as hell blew hers out of the water, and I’m not gonna lie that I kind of blushed while staring at the picture.~~

I’m pretty sure I whispered “Nice”, or something at that point, because Twilight started making little sputtering sounds, and I turned back to look at her and she was blushing bright red. Like, the actual dickens bright red.

“What?” I said, handing the picture to her in what I assumed was nonchalantly. “It’s a great picture. I’m guessing the whole folder’s like that?”

Smoke. Out of her ears.

“Yes”, she squeaks, in the tiniest little voice.

I could have teased her – and maaaaaaaybe, just a little bit, I’m regretting having not done it. But it didn’t seem like the right thing to do at the time, you know? Like I wrote earlier – she seemed really upset the first time I did it, and there’s a difference between teasing someone and making fun of them.

So I helped her pick up the rest, and then I asked when she started getting all of these. The answer is long and rambling and involves a lot of alcohol, and honestly kind of boring to think about writing! So I don’t think I’m going to do it. The point is, Twilight had a crush, and the two enjoyed playing about at being flirty, but Twilight was ultimately not her type, so then she was sad, but then flash sentry happened, and apparently I don’t remember any of this because even if she had made it obvious then it would have taken, like, the ground turning into a checkerboard to get me to pay attention and yadda yadda yadda.

You figure her actual cutie mark is being sarcastic and pitiable at the same time?

So I asked what she was going to do with this, and her answer was “take these outside and burn them.” So then I asked if we should roast marshmallows over this, and she answered yes. I mean, in the middle of the afternoon.

Why does this feel like a page out of my book even more so than it does hers?

Still, it was a better pretense for eating food that Pinkie tends to come up with. Kinda a shame that it had to be just between the two of us – furtively, I mean. Come to think of it, where was Pinkie Pie, anyway? Did Twilight pick the time to burn these as the one time where Pinkie wouldn’t be snooping in, and I just happened to be an accident in all of this?

Okay, that was part one. The fun part. I’m going to go give my hoof a rest, then write you the rest of today tonight or something. ~~Today tonight? Yeah, that totally sounds dumb.~~ Anyway.

////////////////////////////////////////

20, again

You would not believe how sore my hoof is. Okay, maybe you would, but hopefully it’s just taking-my-word believe and not I’ve-experienced-this believe, because the latter would be wicked painful and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.

So just to summarize, Twilight and I were roasting marshmallows over a bunch of vaguely pornographic pictures of Princess Celestia in the middle of the morning behind castle McCrystalGlitter. And I didn’t realize how awkward that actually sounded until I just wrote it out now. I mean, like, wow – you’re just gonna have to accept that and move on, okay?

And that’s when things got weird. Didn’t start that way. I asked her if she had moved on with that, judging by the burning of the vanities, and she said yes, and I asked if it was that flash sentry guy, and she said no, and I was going to ask her who it was and how far along things were with them when she asked me if I was feeling okay.

And I had this sick teasing that I was going to lay down on her since I figure that the new pony isn’t off limits for making fun of, and so I was kind of caught off guard.

“You looked kind of sad yesterday after you dropped off the letter”, she said. “I mean, it’s okay to be sad if you want to, but I was wondering if it had to do with the letters you’ve been writing.”

So I told her no, and figuring that it was just kind of not a big deal to say, I told her that I was writing down stuff that happened to me in the past, and that it made me kind of sad to think about it.

“Do you mean melancholy?” she asked. “Are you sad because of things that you miss?” And the only answer I could think of was “sort of”, because it wasn’t that close to the answer, but it wasn’t entirely false.

“It’s okay”, she said. “I’m really happy that I got to meet all of you guys, since you’re my very best friends! But even though I’m happy with that, I still miss being Princess Celestia’s student sometimes. I learned so much about magic and history and…”

I think she probably noticed the look on my face, because her “I’m-going-to-list-everything-maybe-in-a-song” face kind of dissolved into something slightly chagrined and a heck of a lot more tolerable.

“Anyways,” she said, “If there’s something you want to talk about, you can always ask me, right?”

Which was really nice of her. Twilight can be a bit preachy and meddling sometimes, but she genuinely does seem to care about everypony else. I can see why you’d want to have her as a friend.

We didn’t talk about anything that important afterwards – I gave her a few flying tips while we had marshmallows, but that was that. I got a shovel and helped bury the ashes of the pictures after that, and spent most of the rest of the day washing marshmallow goop off of my hooves, practicing some limb exercises and looking at that picture of Celestia’s plot.

What, you think I was going to let that beauty go to waste?

Anyways. I’d ask if you wanted me to send a copy, but I doubt I’d get a straight answer one way or another. So I guess you’ll hear from me some time tomorrow, and I’ll hear from you…probably never, I don’t know.

Eyes on the prize,

-Rainbow Dash

///////////////////////////////////

21

Pretty fun morning. I brought Tank out to practice some basic agility tests. He’s pretty good at weaving between buildings, which is something that a rookie might have trouble with. Then again, he’s going at a pace just barely above “hover”, but, hey, not his fault. I did what I could for his motor; at this point, I’m just going to ask Twilight and see if she can soup it up a bit, get him up to a more comparable speed. Not to me, of course, but maybe like Flitter. When she has the flu.

But, hey, Tank’s trying really hard. I’ve got to give him credit for that.

Anyway, I wanted to say that it struck me as weird that you’re reading my letters like this. Not that you’re reading, not that it’s me, but this particular song and dance. But I guess we both recognize, at the point, that you’re looking for a safe barrier between the speaker and the spoken to, and I’m kind of looking for that as well. It’s weird, but I should probably stop angsting about it.

But I think the more appropriate question isn’t what I’m writing back – since we already went over that, durr – but why.

I mean, I’m sitting here, underneath this tree, cobbling together these notes like I’ve been doing for something close to three weeks now. There’s a gentle breeze, the air smells vaguely like lilac and vanilla, and the colors are so bright that it’s almost painful. I could be doing almost literally anything on a day like this, but I’m sitting here, hunched over a scroll like a doofus, quill in hand and bottle of ink resting in a nook between a couple of roots. And, y’know, this isn’t the sort of thing I’d be doing for completely selfless reasons. Which isn’t to say that I’d go out of my way for other ponies, but I feel compelled to do this in a different way then duty normally makes me feel.

So we come back to why.

And I think that brings me back to “what’s changed?” and I guess if you want the answer, body and mind, it’s that I actually started slowing down. Not taking a break – that’s a pause from one thing to another – but taking the general pace down a couple of notches. Training Tank’s something I did, sure, but I’m going over it more in-depth these days. Reading, sure, I did that too, but not as much as I started doing a week or so ago. And I’ve been flying less for both of these these things, and (no duh) also to write all of this to you.

So is it something I’m trying to tell you? I mean, that I want to tell you? Are they the same thing? ~~Am I asking too many questions?~~ Wow, I knew that sounded stupid even before I finished writing it.

I’ve been telling you about myself; the day-to-day Rainbow Dash, since you probably know all about the Legendary Historical Totally Awesome Rainbow Dash. Or, heck, I’m sure they’re writing about me in the history books already – check your local listings. And, y’know, that’s kind of nice – I get to share something without it sounding so obvious or redundant. It’s like I get to relive the day, but through you me writing to you ~~if that doesn’t sound stupid~~ of course it sounds stupid, but I’m saying it anyway. So, I mean, that feels good.

But is that because it’s specifically you that I want to tell things to? I mean, I could say the same thing to squirt, or somepony else in the Rainbow Dash fan club. Is it different because I’ve never seen you, or because this was supposed to be a romantic thing? ~~I mean, if Twilight was right~~ I have no reason to believe Twilight would lie to me ~~which is more than I can say for myself, I guess.~~

So maybe I want to have my cake and eat it too, then. ~~Whatever the hay that expression is supposed to mean~~. I want to feel loved, and I want to be cute and drop details of my day as if you were some kind of special somepony, but I don’t want to actually pretend to make some kind of romantic overture. ~~But you’re doing the exact same thing, so who cares?~~

Or is it wrong to just have somepony to talk to? I mean, talk-talk. And is that even really a thing? I talk to ponies, I mean, but I can’t imagine that they’d ever want to do quasi-intimate conversational bonding for its own sake.

Or is that what they’ve been trying to do? Is that what Applejack tried to do, when she wanted to talk about how I’ve changed and wanted to know what was on my mind? Is this what Twilight was trying to do, when she wanted to encourage my reading – did she want somepony to bond with over that?

Are other ponies lonely like that? Are they trying to reach out to each other, but pull back when they think nopony cares? I don’t know how I should feel about that. I’m not sure I have anything to bond over with Applejack and Twilight – should I give it a try anyway? Or will they mistake it for love?

For that matter, I have no idea whether you like any of the things that I do. Not that you’ve actually said anything about it, one way or another. ~~I’ve just assumed everything, and I guess you’re not giving me a reason to NOT assume anything. Guh. Why don’t you ever say anything? Ever? You wrote to me, like, once, and this is just getting kind of frustrating~~

I guess this is the point, though. Having to put faith in something without getting to know about it or not.

~~This had better not start getting quasi-religious or I’m going to flip a table or something, I don’t need that kind of crap in my life~~

I guess the answer is that I don’t really know, but that’s why I’m going to keep going along with it. I still really hope we get to meet face-to-face someday, though. Maybe I’ll even reconsider things.

Just so I can finally start talking.

Mutely,

-Rainbow Dash

//////////////////////////////////

22

Took a bit of a walkabout through the castle today. I tried making a checklist, yesterday and today, of all of the things in the castle that are really more formal than they should be.

The great hall was the obvious one. The thrones were even more obvious. The arched windows are, of course, silly – what’s wrong with having just a small one? If you want that much air or that much of a scene, just go outside. It won’t kill you. There’s no really good reason why they should be there, unless you’re into the whole stained glass thing. And why make a broken window in the first place?

Then there are the stairs. Too many stairs. Too vertical a building. My cloudsdale home’s like that because pegasi don’t care about stairs, and don’t have to deal with lame and thoroughly uncool building materials like wood and stone. But if you’re actually going to walk up and down them…they look impressive, but why not just get someplace flatter? Not have to worry about that? Isn’t it, I don’t know, discriminating against the crippled or something?

And what happens if Fluttershy, or Rarity or Applejack breaks a leg? I mean, Fluttershy has wings, but ~~I don’t think she’ll ever use them unless she absolutely has to~~ flying really isn’t her thing.

Rooms are too large. Corners are too fancy. Entrance is ludicrous. Needs more exits. I’m not going to even get into how silly the commode looks. At least they didn’t mess up the bedrooms too badly.

But I felt like at least part of that was trying not to think about obligations. I know I talked about that earlier. I’m not sure you quite understood what I meant. Maybe it would be better if I gave an example?

The luckiest fillies at flight academy are the ones that are middling in popularity.

When you’re the butter between the bread, you tend to be less obtrusive than the spongy, wheaty, oversized bread on the other side. Having between one and five friends is better than having ten and fifty, because things feel personal. There’s the prerequisite three conversations where you get the boring chatter out of the way – weather, lunch, nice-to-meet-yous, etc. – then you get to talking about hobbies, interests, values. You get to *know* other ponies, not just know them. There’s a world of a difference. I make fun of them, but there’s no way I’d ever stop being friends with, well, my true friends – we’re in too deep, know each other too well, care too much about what’s going on in each other’s lives. Like it or not, when you only know a small cluster of ponies, you’re going to do the same thing.

But when you’re floating on the top, there’s just too many ponies to ever break the three. You get one, two at tops – A BFF or a shoulder curtain, take your pick. Other than that, you can get all of the accolades and be loved by everypony – but it’s a shallow sort of love. Not intentionally or maliciously shallow, but again – not enough time, not enough to invest in anything meaningful. Ironically, we don’t end up feeling any less lonely then anypony else – we’re just supposed to act like we aren’t, and playing a mask the entire time gets tiring. Granted, yours truly has close to unlimited energy, but given that I’m not exactly rarity or pinkie pie when it comes to the sociability department, if nothing else I found it a little bit…you know. Annoying or irritating doesn’t really describe it. It’s probably a bit closer to…

give me a minute

~~make that five~~

~~holy hooves make this ten~~

wanting, I guess. Hollow? That’s the best I’ve got.

Everypony can be wonderful, but the more of everypony there is, the less of everypony there is. It seems greedy, and I’m not sure you’ll understand, but I hope at least some of what I’m saying doesn’t entirely sound like horse apples.

Still, better that than being at the bottom.

Poor Fluttershy.

~~I’m sorry.~~

Screw you. You don’t get to know details about that. Isn’t the fact that she’s a wallflower and a terrible flyer enough of a clue as to what it was like for her?

Trust me on this one. Discord or no, I wouldn’t trade horseshoes with her.

Queen Bee Pegasusy,

-Rainbow Dash

////////////////////////////////////////////////

23

I’ve started hitting the cider again. I’m not entirely sure why. Writing to you didn’t help, though; I just felt sad after doing it, like I was a bit emptier inside. Flight academy was a lot of fun, but that’s sort of the problem: once what you have is gone, you start desperately wishing you could have it back.

Started drinking this morning, right after breakfast (some kind of leek and imitation omelet thing; Rarity’s cooking. She’s been practicing a bunch of the “feminine arts” after she made herself comfortable in the castle, and I guess that was one of them. It actually didn’t taste too bad.) Got drunk, walked Tank, got lunch, here I am. I haven’t flown on my own in longer than is normal, not exactly sure how many days, a bit too light-headed to really care all that much.

I wonder if the girls like drinking? I wonder how good they are at it?

Fluttershy I know for sure did/does/would not ever want it. Pinkie I expect is hitting harder stuff than I’d ever want to.

Twilight’s probably the kind that would be curious, but forfeit after two, three at most.

Applejack and Rarity probably have hidden depths, and I bet either/both could go hard at it.

Not as hard as me, though.

I wonder if I’ll ever be able to drink with you?

Getting myself another mug of off-season cider,

-Rainbow Dash

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////

24

Given how much I had yesterday, I really should have a splitting headache. And I do have a bit of a headache, but it’s not nearly as…apocalyptic?... as I was expecting. You ever wonder if headaches are supposed to be nature’s way of telling you that you’ve had too much, and to cool it down a bit next time?

‘Cause that would explain why Pinkie seemed kind of flummoxed when I started asking my friends about this yesterday. It’s not just small ones – she never gets hangovers at all. Period. I mean, I get little ones if I’ve had too much – sort of like the one I’m nursing now – but they’re manageable. I had to *actually* explain the concept of them to her, if you can believe that.

Which is funny, because almost everypony else said yes, they did. Except Fluttershy, who I didn’t ask, for obvious reasons.

But back to the metaphor. If I used to have only little headaches when I got hammered, does that mean that I was/am the sort of pony that doesn’t have to suffer the consequences of irresponsibility?

Would I have been a better pony if I had gotten them worse?

Should I drink more now just to see if I can make it worse?

And I never asked Applejack, and she wouldn’t tell me the one time I asked her, so…exactly much cider did I drink that one day? I mean, given normally…did I actually drink the entire keg? Or close to it? It’s all a blur, ~~which tends to happen when I’m deliberately trying to drink enough to black out my memories.~~

Screw this. I’m getting more to drink.

Welp, ten minutes later and I’m actually all out of cider. Okay, you know what, that’s got to be confusing for you. Should I put down, like, some sort of mark to let you know when I’m walking away from the page? Okay, you know what, good idea, I’ll do that. And how about a number after it, like, for how long I was away doing other things? So maybe

@10 ?

Little swirly blob says I was out for ten minutes. Okay, I like it. Could use a bit of color, but I can’t find the colored inks again. ~~I think I need to get this place more organized.~~

~~I say that every time and I never get organized so might as well just go with that fact.~~

Okay, you know what? I said that about my inconsistent schedule, and I’m not gonna doubt that anymore. Starting right after I finish this letter, my spot in this castle is getting clean. I can think of worse ways to spend this morning and this afternoon.

I’d say now, but it does actually sound kind of boring and the alternative is writing to you. ~~Which I’m not totally at all running out of things to say.~~

Screw it, let’s go do that right now.

@5

I’m so bored

I’m so very bored

Please don’t hold this one against me. I’ll clean it eventually. Not gonna pinkie pie promise that one, though, because ~~I’m not crazy and~~ I don’t have a death wish.

You know what? If only so I can pretend I’m organizing, I’m going to go through some of my old things. Who knows? Maybe it’ll give me something to do.

Yours,

-Rainbow Dash