32

I’ve been doing some thinking this morning, and it led to more thinking, and then I realized I had something I wanted to say to you and half a day has gone by. If nopony else, applejack’s started to notice. “You’ve been real quiet lately, sugarcube” she said to me. “Everything going alright?” she said. “Is something about the whole mystery penpal thing bothering you?” she said.

I wanted to tell her yes and no. I wanted to tell her that actually thinking about things was making me feel better and worse at the same time, mostly worse. I wanted to ask her if it was okay if I could talk to her quietly, in private. I wanted to confess.

But that’s not her place, and it’s not mine, so I told her I was fine. She didn’t believe me, of course, so I admitted that I’ve just been opening up to things that I didn’t feel comfortable talking about with everypony else. I’m happy she didn’t press the issue; I’m happier that she told me I could talk to her anytime I felt ready to talk about things.

Maybe you’re the mystery thief, applejack? Naw. You’re a terrible liar. But it’s kind of uncanny that you had the reaction that I was sort of expecting the actual mail thief to have. Do you know her? Or him, I guess?

Is it Big Macintosh?

Actually, given the whole silence thing and the assumption of listening thing, that’d probably be a pretty likely answer. But I don’t know. It doesn’t seem like a very “him” thing to do, you know? And I thought there might have been something between him and Cheerilee. Though I guess “thought” was the operative word, there.

Hey, Big Mac, if that *is* you. You know I had a marefriend, right?

Exactly one. Her name was Gilda, and she was a griffon. I told you about her before – the lead guitarist in Violet Haze. She was funny, she was cool, and we were both pretty close to the top of the heap in terms of respectability. I was the best flyer in the academy, but she was pretty close. She was the best fighter in the academy, but I could trade blows with her longer then most ponies or griffons could, male or female. Then there was the whole Violet Haze bit – Breeze Jumper was definitely popular, but she didn’t have the tough-as-nails edge or raw flight talent that either of us had, so she wasn’t really in our league. And then the drummer – Gil’s friend, went by Gesso, not sure if that was her actual name – She pretty much stunk at flying, and wasn’t pretty, and wasn’t vocal, so she was kind of at the bottom of the heap.

Is that a griffon thing, like staying with like? Was it a minority thing? I mean, griffons had their own kingdom, of course, so they were kind of way in the lesser numbers at Flight Academy – transfer students, right? So obviously, there’s probably got to be the whole “stick with what you know” thing, because it’s familiar and in an unfamiliar environment that’s the closest you’re ever going to have to a friend, or family, or whatever.

Then again, I got told a lot that there wasn’t any real reason to be friends with Fluttershy back then. Funnily enough, I really actually kind of wasn’t. I know there was the whole earn-our-cutie-marks incident, but that didn’t mean we became best of friends after that. I was still the flight queen, loved the field and the thrill of competition and the adrenal rush, and she loved her animals and being alone with her thoughts, I guess. I didn’t like it when other ponies messed with her, and I let them know that – bloody noises and pulled feathers were the gentler way of expressing myself on that issue, trust me – but besides beating up the jerks that tried to bully her, there wasn’t really much for me to do. And just because you stand up for somepony, it doesn’t automatically make them your friend.

It didn’t even stop me from pranking Fluttershy. Never to hurt or shame her, though, just to startle her. Rigged water fountains, fart-cushions-beneath-cloud-seats, that sort of thing. And I mean, it was *okay* if it was me, because at the end of the day it was me and I was keeping her from getting hurt worse, and I never actually meant anything *bad* by it, so what’s the big deal, right? I was still the closest thing she had to a friend – even though we weren’t – so I was allowed to shake her out of her comfort zone every now and then. Get her to loosen up.

Granted, that’s what past me thought. I’d never do that to Fluttershy these days. EVER.

~~She could still use a bit more loosening up, though~~.

Actually, you know what, let’s skip that last train of thought. I want to talk about Fluttershy.

I know she’s supposed to be, like, one of the most beloved elements of harmony out there – okay, I guess that’s all of us, actually. But she’s the veterinarian that works pro bono these days, absolutely a talent with all sorts of flora and fauna, almost never raises her voice, just…super, super nice, you know? And she was always like that, really. But mostly towards things that she thought she could comfort. And as far as the comfort scale goes, she was pretty much on the bottom rung: nothing for her to comfort, but everyone could have comforted her.

Then again, nopony actually cared about that in flight academy, because that’s not what we were like. She was less some sort of teddy bear figure and more of a nopony. A butt of life’s joke, but I discouraged that behavior pretty hard, so in the end she was basically left alone. Probably for the best, really.

That didn’t mean that she didn’t show up to flight lessons, but she never really tried. Going through the motions and all that, yeah. But in terms of actual extracurricular practice, she never bothered. That, or sports, or clubs, or anything. If she didn’t have her head in some book, she was flapping away to the ground, checking around the rim of the everfree forest or talking to butterflies or whatever – it wasn’t my business, and I didn’t really care. Like I said – we were never exactly friends. All things considered, I’m pretty sure she didn’t have friends, never really volunteered her opinion, and basically did her best to just kind of disappear from the face of the student body. And she kind of succeeded – at least, until Twilight came to town just before the summer sun celebration four years ago and everything changed.

So there you have it. Proof that nobodies can become heroes. Kind of an inspiring story, really.

And I suppose by the same token, heroes can become nobodies.

And that worries me.

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33

Thought about coltfriends and marefriends again. Now I’ve got Twilight and Rarity badgering me about it. I think they must have talked to AJ about it first, though, because they left me alone after a couple of half-hearted questions. I think they must have asked Applejack about it before they asked me, which was awesome of her. Really awesome of her.

~~I wonder if I should just tell her and get it over with.~~

I wonder if Fluttershy and Discord have had sex yet.

I mean, I guess that means “I wonder if Fluttershy will ever have sex ~~again~~”

I can’t imagine it being her thing.

But they really do like each other…don’t they?

What an odd happy ending to have. The world’s biggest wallflower, and the world’s biggest troll. And there just isn’t any irony in it at all – he goofs around a bit, and she’s a bit of a wildlife geek, but they’re ultimately closer than ever after the whole Tirek thing. Which COMPLETELY boggles my mind. He betrayed us, almost doomed ~~Equestria~~ the entire world, and suddenly he gets a free pass? I guess the assumption of redemption is a powerful thing. Pfeh.

But whatever. They like each other. I can deal with it. I still wonder what she sees in him, though.

…I really hope for his sake, if nothing else, that they eventually get around to it.

Worst physical feature of Fluttershy: her mane. It looks like it must get everywhere, the asymmetrical bob is really stupidly distracting, it looks heavy and hot and awkward, and it’s got the really weird stylized curls at the ending. Rarity does sort of the same thing, but at least the curls make it look like some kind of hearth warming’s present, and that’s kind of funny. Fluttershy’s just looks unironically girly.

Best physical feature of Fluttershy: her butt. And I mean, come on, Discord’s got to have noticed that. Anypony on the entire planet would, I mean, come ON. It definitely wasn’t that way at flight camp, but I guess you can definitely fill out over time. I’m sort of jealous, honestly.

If nothing else, I hope he at least gets to enjoy that. Or, you know, just squeeze it a little. ~~It’d be unfair of~~ not even going there.

I’m gonna stop talking about this before I feel weird.

That one skeeze,

-Rainbow Dash

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34

Did I forget to sign off a letter or two ago? I might have forgot, and I shouldn’t do that. I feel like having some sort of organization in my life would actually make it work out a bit better.

Actually, that’s probably just my neuroticism talking. You know I seriously didn’t use to keep anything regular before these letters?

Come to think of it, I mean, I don’t normally, like, ever, talk about…y’know. Sex? I’m not really like that. I’m not really all that much of a cusser, either. ~~Okay, that’s a lie because I used to do it a whole lot, but I don’t really do it all that much anymore.~~ I mean, what’s the point? I just don’t feel as upset as I used to. Grinding life away at the weather factory kills your emotions after a while, and then after Twilight and the rest of my friends… just not as much reason to be unhappy. Or maybe it’s because puberty was starting to wear off by then? Whatever.

I’m mentioning that because I’ve started to backslide into thinking about parts of my life that I haven’t thought about in ages, and I’m worried that I might start backsliding into those habits, too.

I hope not.

…Thank you for letting me talk about this, though. Thank you for picking up my letters like clockwork. I never thought that just…talking about it, you know? Part of me feels like crud, but another part of me actually feels…relief. Like I’m unbinding a weight on my body that’s been there for so long, I’ve all but forgotten about it.

So, uh, yeah.

Still

-Rainbow Dash

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35

Kill me.

I don’t know why I did it, I don’t know what on earth would prompt me to do it, but.

I ran into Fluttershy as she was picking up “angel food” from the farmer’s market – I guess the little fluffy rat is still as picky and temperamental as ever – and we actually started talking about food and stuff. I haven’t seen her alone in some time. She wasn’t actually part of the whole letter-writing community, ~~not that I can blame her~~. So I was talking about what she was up to, and she mentioned something about a cucumber sandwich picnic in Saddle Arabia of all things, and I asked her if she had done it with him yet.

I haven’t seen her face get that red in a while.

But I actually went and pressed her on it, me being the complete thoughtless jerk that I am. And I promised to keep the secret safe from everypony, and that includes you. This may have been because Discord apparently got wind of this, and promised me that so long as I kept the truth a friendly secret, he wouldn’t make my mouth fall off of my face and start hopping around time, yelling embarrassing phrases in my voice.

Chalk it up to the guy. I’ve never heard anything else that managed to be so silly and dangerous at the same time.

~~I still haven’t forgiven him about Tirek, and I suspect he really doesn’t care.~~

~~The point is that I think he’s getting an inkling that I’m thinking about sexual things, and that might make him start wondering things about Fluttershy, and if there’s anypony who I don’t want to know about everything, it’s him. He might actually, literally, kill me.~~

~~Actually literally~~

Gilda used to say “for real, honestly”, but she never actually meant for real and honestly. In fact, whenever she said it, she always pretty much meant exactly the opposite. I kind of wanted to make “Actually, Literally” be the same thing, but it never caught on, so I just started using “for real, honestly” like she did. Sarcastically, I mean.

But I think actually and literally should mean actually and literally in this case. I just wanted you to know that.

Please believe me.

Please.

-Rainbow Dash.