The Baker and the Braggart

Chapter 8

Sweet Apple Acres, Ponyville

It was an oddly disturbing sight, seeing Rainbow Dash thrashing about like a child in the throes of a temper tantrum. I suppose I should not have been too surprised, though. For all the boasting she made earlier, I was…rather disappointed at how easy it had been to counter her Kung-Fu.

Why you ask? The simple reason was that she telegraphed her movements in such an obvious manner that it took little effort on my part to counter them. And by that, I mean using her momentum against her.

So there I was, looking down at a dirty and bruise covered Rainbow Dash. In all honesty, I felt a twinge of pity for her but Applejack just shook her head when she noticed my expression. Maybe she did not completely deserve my pity for being so arrogant, but I still wanted to leave a good impression. That was why I helped her off of the ground.

Rainbow sighed. “Damn it, I totally got my ass handed to me. I guess I’ve gotta put my money where my mouth is.”

“If it bothers you so much, then we can call off the wager. I shall harbor no ill feelings either way.”

“No, it’d be seriously uncool if I backed out. I made a promise and I’m gonna keep it.”

After dusting herself off, Rainbow Dash removed the tie that bound her hair into a ponytail. For whatever reason, she just stood there and rubbed her hands together while biting her lip. Sensing her friend’s hesitation, Applejack walked over held out her hand.

“Hand ‘em over Dashie.”

“Hand what over?”

Applejack raised her brow. “Yer clothes, sugarcube. Somebody’s gotta make sure ya keep yer end o’ the bargain. Don’t worry; I’ll give ‘em back.”

“Yeah, I know. I’m…just trying to psyche myself up.”

With an extreme amount of hesitation, Rainbow Dash slowly peeled off her clothing. It did not take very long, considering how little she was wearing in the first place. Her body was strikingly similar to my own; however there were a few key differences.

First of all, her breasts were at least a size smaller than my own (not that I was so shallow to judge her lesser for it!), albeit pleasantly shaped. And the skin around both her breasts and groin were paler in complexion as compared to the rest of her body. In fact, they were perfect silhouettes of the clothing she had been wearing earlier!

While I found her non-uniform complexion odd, it was not the strangest thing I witnessed. No, I was fascinated by what she had done with her pubic hair. It was, of course, multi-hued like the hair upon her head, but styled into the shape of a thin bolt of lightning. What purpose did that serve?

Intellectually, I understood that northern people possessed pubic hair even though my own people lacked body hair of any kind. Well, more than just that. I had personally witnessed Macintosh’s own rusty blonde pubic hair when I—ehem that is somewhat off topic.

In any case, I did not understand the value of retaining one’s pubic hair. It just seemed more sanitary, not to mention more comfortable, to be rid of it altogether.

Applejack rubbed her chin. “That’s a fancy trim ya got there, Dashie. Gotta say, I’m a bit surprised. Ya strike me as the Canterlotian Wax type o’ girl. Rarity definitely is, except you’d get it because its practical fer sports instead of the whole ‘lady-like’ bit.”

“S-so what?! I just wanted to try something to make me feel sexy! Jeez, can’t I at least be a little bit girly sometimes?”

“There’s nothin’ wrong with that. But I gotta point out one caveat in this here situation, sugarcube.”

“Yeah, what would that be?”

Applejack wrapped her arm around Dash’s shoulder and whispered into her ear. “A gal doesn’t normally trim her bush into fancy shapes unless she wants someone else ta see it. The real question is: who are ya tryin’ ta impress?”

A sound, not unlike a mouse being strangled, came from Rainbow Dash’s mouth. And instead of answering Applejack’s question, she sprinted at full speed towards the pond and dove in. Applejack and I spectated while our athletic friend swam as per the wager, but she wore a strange expression upon her face.

It was a mixture of guilt, confusion, and…admiration? While I was no expert on matters of the mind, I recognized the expression because I had experienced it myself.

“Where did that come from?” Applejack muttered.

“What do you mean?”

“I’ve got some thinkin’ ta do, is what it means. A-anyway, let’s just enjoy the little show Dashie’s puttin’ on for us. Ah imagine ya won’t see her do it again anytime soon.”

I furrowed my brow in confusion. “Enjoy it? I fail to see the entertainment value in her exercise regimen…”

Before Applejack could properly explain the situation to me, a young girl came barreling towards us on what appeared to be a two-wheeled, metallic cart. No, cart was not an appropriate word to describe the vehicle.

It was more like a long sheet of metal with wheels and a handle attached to it. Perhaps later I would inquire as to what the bizarre contraption actually was. For now, I was more concerned about greeting the one who had ridden in on it.

The girl who greeted us appeared to be about Apple Bloom’s age, but she lacked the subtle feminine charm that her counterpart did. That is not to say that she was ugly by any means, but rather…she resembled a boy more so than a girl. At least at a passing glance. Her messy purple hair and utilitarian clothing were the likely culprits, in my opinion.

“Hi Applejack! Have you seen Rainbow Dash anywhere? She promised me that we were going hiking today and I—”

Applejack rubbed her neck. “Ah reckon you’ll see her soon enough, Scootaloo. She’s uhh… busy exercisin’ right now.”

“Really? What kind of exercises!? Warmups or something?”

“Yeah that’s it! Say, why don’t ya head on over ta the house and pour yourself a nice, cold glass of apple juice. Dashie should be done warmin’ up by the time ya get back.”

Scootaloo shook her head. “Nah, it’s alright. I’m fine waiting here. Thanks for offering though.”

At that very moment, Rainbow Dash returned from her activities. Her face became entirely flushed when she noticed all of us, but I had no idea if it was caused by the running, embarrassment, or a combination of both.

“Squirt? W-what are you doing here?!”

Scootaloo ran up to her idol and grinned. “Hi Rainbow Dash! You promised to go hiking with me today, remember?”

“Heh. Oh yeah. Look, this really isn’t the best—”

“Why are you naked?”

Rainbow bit her lip. “Because fresh air and sunshine are…good for you?”

“Ohhhhh~ I know exactly what you’re talking about! Mrs. Cheerilee taught us that the athletes from ancient Pegalopolis used to exercise naked. I think it had to do with them worshiping the sun…or because it was easier that way or something.”

“Those ancient Pegawhoosit guys were pretty cool…I guess.”

Scootaloo began to strip off her shirt. “I think they’re pretty awesome too! Do you need a warm up buddy? Because if you do, I’m totally ok with that.”

“NO! I mean, you don’t have to. Just put your shirt back on.”

Scootaloo voice began to crack. “B-but I don’t mind! I mean, you’re always saying how it’s better to train with a partner. Is it because…I’m not cool enough to be your training buddy?”

“Scoots, the only reason I’m running around naked like some perverted weirdo is because I underestimated Zecora and lost a bet. Urghh—look this is actually super embarrassing for me! You don’t need to do it too just to make me feel better.”

Scootaloo shuffled her feet. “Oh. I’m kind of confused but it’s not that bad, right? I mean, we’re all girls. Rarity and Fluttershy go to spa that way and they don’t—”

“Trust me on this one, squirt. It’s different. Maybe when you’re older you’ll understand. Let’s just forget this happened and go on that hike I promised you, ok?”

A thoroughly mortified but resolute Rainbow Dash motioned for Applejack to hand over her confiscated apparel. My blonde haired, future sister-in-law acquiesced but not without a moment of hesitation. The expression on her face spoke volumes even though neither of them uttered a single word.

Had I not been paying attention, I would have missed the faint coloring of her cheeks as she watched Rainbow redress. I admit that it puzzled me. What I witnessed earlier, between the two of them, I had assumed to be mere friendly banter. But now I was not quite so certain.

It was almost as if the two of them were…attracted to one another? Yes, I know that I should not be so judgmental about a person’s sexual preference. But it was not something I was accustomed to seeing! While not entirely unheard of, same-sex couples were exceedingly rare in my homeland.

It was not as though such a relationship was against the law. No, it was more like my people held their traditional values in high regard. So much so that few ever gave homosexuality a passing thought.

Well, such a sentiment existed amongst the common folk at any rate. The landed elite, who tended to marry for political or economic reasons, tended to take a more…liberal view on who they took as companions.

I allowed myself a contemplative sigh. Had I not sought asylum in Equestria, I too would have been destined for such an existence. I, a proud huntress, reduced to nothing more than a trophy bride, lazing about all day getting fat and spreading gossip. Instead, the sprits granted me the opportunity to marry a man I loved and start a family. So yes, I considered myself a very fortunate woman indeed.

I was so absorbed in my own thoughts that I barely noticed when Applejack shook me by the shoulders. It only took me a few seconds to regain my composure, but I still ended up blushing. People will begin to believe that my brain is addled if I allow my thoughts to drift with such frequency.

“Are ya alright, Zecora? You were spacin’ out like a turkey in a rainstorm.”

I nodded. “My apologies, I was momentarily lost in thought. What were you saying?”

“Well, ah just remembered that ah have ta go pick up mah sister. Ya interested in taggin’ along?”

“That is a sound plan. If nothing else, I can head back to my cabin once we finish retrieving Apple Bloom. I fear that I may have neglected my business due to…recent events.”

Applejack patted my back. “Hey now, don’t worry about that. Ya did it for a good reason. Besides, ah can always put in the good word for ya while I’m hawkin’ mah own wares!”

“Thank you, my friend. That means a great deal to me.”

“Shucks, it ain’t no trouble at all. Let’s get a move on then. Ah reckon ‘Bloom is gettin’ pretty homesick by now.”

As we walked through town, it occurred to me that I had never been to Sugarcube Corner before. Apple Bloom and her friend had made reference to it, but to visit the place myself was another matter entirely. When we finally arrived, I was taken aback by how utterly ridiculous it looked. Yes, I understood it was a bakery but to have the building’s architecture resemble actual baked goods was unnecessary in my humble opinion.

Perhaps I just simply misunderstood the aesthetic tastes of Equestira’s citizenry. And not to mention the costs associated with implementing such garish designs. However, at the end of the day, it still managed to draw my attention to the shop. From an advertising perspective it worked, even though it was a bit overwhelming.

Luckily, the interior of the shop was far more muted than its facade suggested. I could not help but chuckle to myself. It was clear evidence (at least to me) that the store owners went over budget with their design and decided it was best to keep the interior décor simple.

The main dining area was spotlessly clean and the wonderful aroma of freshly brewed coffee and baked goods permeated the air. I nearly started salivating until I heard someone greet me in an extremely chipper tone of voice.

“Hi, I’m Pinkie Pie! What would you like to order today, ma’am?”

“I am not certain I—”

Pinkie nodded empathetically. “Ooooh I know what you mean. There are so many good things to eat here! Buuuut…if I had to make a choice, I’d go with a salted caramel muffin and a good ole’ fashioned latte.”

“Those sound delicious but I am afraid I do not have—”

“Don’t worry! New customers always get their first order on the house. Mrs. Cake insists on it.”

How bizarre. This strange, yet pleasantly attendant seemed to take the very words out my mouth before I had a chance to speak them. Before I could so much as step away from the counter, the pink-haired woman was already handing me my coffee and muffin. Applejack seemed to sense my confusion, so she decided to direct me towards a nearby table.

“Ah see ya met Pinkie Pie. She’s a real sweet gal, but it takes a bit of time ta get used to her. I’m sure the both of y’all will become friends in no time.”

I nibbled on my muffin. “She is the one you spoke of earlier, then?”

“Eeyup. Pinkie lives on the second floor. The Cakes let her stay there on account of the fact that she works for ‘em. Ah imagine that’s where mah sister is.”

No sooner did Applejack finish her sentence, my personal space was assaulted by a sugary scented pink blur. How could this woman be so stealthy and silent? It was as if she embodied the very spirit of the cheetah! My natural reaction was, of course, to choke upon my food. Applejack did not seem too surprised but she did flash me an apologetic grin.

“You guessed it, AJ! Oh no! I’m super-duper sorry! I didn’t mean to make you choke. Umm…you’re not mad at me are you? Please say no! I don’t want to ruin our friendship before it even has a chance to START!!”

I tried to clear my throat. “Please do not worry yourself. I will be alright. I am simply unused to dealing with your unique personality.”

“Whew! That’s a load off my mind. So, what’s your name? I don’t think I’ve ever seen you around here before. *GASP* Do you know what that means?!”

“My name is Zecora and…no?”

Pinkie pressed her nose to mine. “YOU NEED A WELCOMING PARTY A.S.A.P!!!!!”

“Oh, I was unaware of this. Are you certain it is necessary?”

“Is it necessary to breath air?! Well, except if you’re scuba diving. Then you’d need a mixture of nitrogen and air. But that’s beside the point! It’s a tradition of mine to throw a welcome party for anyone who’s new in town.”

I laughed nervously. “I suppose I shall accept your hospitality then.”

“But first, we’re going to have to get you out of those clothes. They smell musty and make you look like a hobo. Not to worry though! I have plenty of old clothes that should fit you just fine.”

Out of the corner of my eye I noticed the two Apple sisters sitting at a table across from mine. I suppose that took care of one issue, but I could not help but feel they were abandoning me to my fate. In fact, when I glanced at Applejack a second time, she offered me an apologetic shrug that seemed to say: “That’s how she is. Just go with it.”

I sighed. “I cannot help but agree with your assessment. Do as you will.”

“Okie dokie lokie!”

How much stranger could this day possibly get? Never mind, I would rather not tempt fate by having such a question answered. In any case, I was now sitting in Pinkie Pie’s bathtub trying my best to wash away the sweat and grime I accumulated throughout the morning.

Do not misunderstand. I was grateful that she offered to let me use her private bath. But it was so utterly vexing at the same time.

First of all, Pinkie was far stronger than she appeared to be. Instead of allowing me to follow her into the bathroom like a proper host, she picked me up (with very little effort mind you!) and carried me like a princess the whole way up the stairs.

If that was not embarrassing enough, she stripped me of my clothing and shoved me into the bathroom without a moment’s hesitation after shouting: “Have fun getting clean! I’ll bring you some new clothes in a jiffy!”

Did she have no concept of personal space? I do not believe she did even though there was no ill intent behind her actions. But at least she respected my privacy while I bathed. That was a minor blessing. Unfortunately, I had to make due with the products she owned to cleanse myself with.

I cringed when I picked up bottles labeled: “Bubblegum Blast Body Wash” and “Super Duper Strawberry Shortcake Shampoo”. They were just so…juvenile! They did smell pleasant, if one wanted to emulate the scent of a candy store. I wanted to smell like a woman, not some sugar obsessed child!

It was too late now, though. I had already applied the products to my skin and hair. There was no reason to be rude just because of my own personal preferences. Besides, I rather enjoyed the hot water of the bath. It did much to relieve the stress and tension in both my muscles and mind.

That was, until I decided it was time to get out and dry myself off. All of her towels were pink, of course. But they were quite clean and fluffy. Once my body was sufficiently dry enough, I walked out of the bathroom while continuing to dry my hair.

Surprisingly enough, she laid out a set of rather mute-colored clothing for me upon her bed. The top was a dark gray t-shirt with a picture of a boulder on it saying “You Rock!” and the pants happened to be a simple pair of black jeans. Just as I finished drying my hair, I felt someone gently caress my stomach.

“You’ve got some seriously toned abs, Zecora. I’m a little jealous to be honest. My tummy is a bit squishy from all the yummy cakes and pastries I’ve been eating.”

I batted her hands away. “C-could you please stop doing that?!”

“Oopsie. I kind of forgot you were naked.”

“That is hardly the issue!”

Pinkie rubbed her chin. “Hmm. You’re right! We’re both girls, so it’s totally ok!”

“The more pressing concern is that I do not enjoy being groped without consent.”

“Oh my gosh! I’m sooooo sorry! That must have been totally weird and awkward for you. You probably think I bat for the other team now! I mean, girls can be really sexy sometimes buuuuut… I still prefer guys. Mostly.”

I rubbed my temples. “I forgive you; just refrain from doing it again.”

“So, do you like the clothes I picked out? I tried to get darker colors so they would match your hair. Do you like them? Huh? HUH?!”

“Yes, they are fine. And thank you for allowing me to use your bath.”

Pinkie grinned. “No problem! The clothes are actually my sister’s. I figured since the both of you looked to be about same height they should fit pretty well. You’re gonna have to go commando though. I don’t think any of my underwear would fit you…”

There was no doubt in my mind she was correct. While Pinkie Pie was not exactly obese, she was handsomely curvaceous. In all of the classically feminine ways. Let us just say that if she decided to visit my village, wearing little more than a smile, she would have dozens of suitors by the end of the day. The pink haired woman may have envied my musculature, but I was far more envious of her plump breasts.

With a resigned sigh, I slipped on the clothing she provided and looked at my reflection in the mirror. Much to my surprise they fit quite well and the colors, like she said, matched my hair perfectly. They were comfortable too. Not as breathable as Ms. Rarity’s dress, but loose enough not to restrict my movement. Overall, I was quite pleased.

Pinkie clapped her hands. “You look great in that outfit!”

“Ah. Thank you. But it is largely due in part to your selection.”

“Nope! It’s because you’re really pretty. Although, I wouldn’t try wearing the same kind of stuff you had on before. AJ and her family pull off the farmer look waaaay better than you.”

I rubbed my neck. “There were extenuating circumstances concerning my choice of attire...”

“Oh ho? If I didn’t know any better, I’d say they looked like Big Mac’s clothes. You didn’t do anything naughty with him the night before, did you? Because that totally sounds like something that would happen in one of Rarity’s trashy romance novels.”

“What of it? Is it a crime to make love to the man I wish to marry?”

Pinkie’s eyes widened. “No, but—did you really sleep with Big Mac? You’ve gotta tell me! Does he actually have a big weenie? ‘Cause the girls and I used to grill AJ about it during our sleep-overs, but she’d never say anything.”

“T-that is none of your business!”

“Awww~ I was only curious. Now that I think about it, I guess that’s a really embarrassing question to ask someone I’ve just met. Oh well, I’ll have to keep using my imagination instead!”

My face felt like it was on fire. “Could we please move onto a topic that does not involve the details of my love life or that of my future husband?”

“Hehe. Sure, no problemo! What kind of shoes do you like? Do you even wear shoes? I’m only asking because you weren’t wearing any when you came in here. If not, you should probably buy a pair. Just don’t wear socks with sandals. Because Twilight does that and it looks SOOOOO dorky! But I don’t want to a meanie and tell her that. Maybe you should just stick to boots.”

Today was going to be a long day…