The Many Lives of Mortimer Matthews

Mortimer, though still surprised at surviving a case of terminal getting-your-arm-yanked-out-of-its-socket-itis, blinked and sat up. Again. He distinctly remembered the rather painful pain, and the slipping, falling sensation that followed. Mortimer wondered if he was dead. Also again.

"Am I dead?" he wondered aloud. "But wait a minute! I remember the cars hitting me... " Mortimer stroked his chin thoughtfully (having no beard to call his own), and continued thinking aloud. "And those Ent-wolf-things, and that oddly-hued arm-ripping thing! And besides, I don't feel dead," he said as he felt his pulse. "So if every time I die I wake up here... " And then he gasped.

"That means that I can't die!"

A brilliant thought it was. But Mortimer knew that it would require some further testing. After all, what if he was wrong? He stood tall and straight, proclaiming to the forest at large:

"I will seek out all the berries of the forest! And then, when I come across them, I shall consume them and take their powers for my own! Chiefly the powers of killing myself. Thus shall I truly discover whether Death's cold embrace is more like a clammy hug!"

Yes, Mortimer delivered rousing speeches to nobody/pony (delete whichever is inappropriate as to your species and/or your preferred syntax) in particular from time to time. Look, some people have their quirks, okay? And so, quelling the nagging feeling that he was being subconsciously ignorant in order to advance some kind of plot, Mortimer set off through the forest. Instead of water or shelter, however, this time he traveled in search of poisonous berries to shovel into his gullet.

Having avoided the ensnaring bramble patch and the lurking low-hanging tree branch (not to mention those Ent-wolf-things or the beings he would henceforth refer to as arm-rippers), he soon came across a clump of bright red berries. Mortimer plucked one from its branch, scrutinising it closely to make sure it wouldn't try to eat him or something.

It was amazingly red in its redness, so much so that not even the reddest red thing could even come close to how red it was. It was the essence of red itself. Red meant poison, right? Mortimer popped it into his mouth, and died.

Eventually.

After violently throwing up for a few hours.

Yeah, even if you don't stay dead for very long, popping stuff into your mouth isn't the smartest of ideas.

Elsewhere, Mortimer woke up.

"Twilight, are you sure you want to head in there?"

"I'm absolutely positive."

"Look, Ah was just thinking. What if there's more of those... whatever it was that Fluttershy saw. Ah mean, supposing they found that dead one? They might not be able to tell one pony from another."

"I know, Applejack. I have to go, though! Just think: a hitherto undocumented species living in the Everfree Forest, and it can talk!"

"But- "

"Applejack, please. I don't care how dangerous it is. I have to go." Twilight Sparkle sighed. "Look, I've left plenty of messages saying where I'm going, just in case something happens. And besides, Spike even sent a letter to Princess Celestia! And even she thinks that I should go."

"Sorry, Twilight. Ah just get a little overprotective of mah friends sometimes. Just... uh, do you mind if Ah... sort'a tag along?" Twilight smiled.

"I thought you'd say that, Applejack. That's why I packed two day bags."

Mortimer rolled onto his side, curling up into a ball as he clutched his stomach.

"Damn it!"

It didn't hurt exactly, as (unbeknownst to him) the berries resided in the belly of another body, soon to phase from existence. It was more of a phantom pain, an echo of the horrible sensation he had been experiencing. Taking a deep breath, he unclenched his gut and unlocked his knees.

"Well," he said shakily, "I'm certainly not dead any more." Reassured by this final realisation, he began walking. Then he stopped. "Pain, however, still plagues me. Maybe I should try not to die so much."

He decided to travel in the same direction by which he had stumbled across (or into) the arm-ripper. His reasoning was thus: if he could not truly die, then a repeat of his previous experience would not cause any issues save some annoyance. Besides, accidentally killing someone would probably be a shocking experience. Reassuring the arm-ripper that everything was fine would be a nice thing to do.

He came across the path rather quickly, although some way further up than before. After what seemed like half an hour of walking, Mortimer reflected upon the observation that distances, as well as the celestial bodies, were definitely abnormal here.

"Y'know, maybe we should call it a day. It's sorta getting dark and all, and we haven't seen anypony around."

"Patience, Applejack. Patience."

"You sound like the Princess."

"Which one?"

"You know. The Princess."

"What, Princess Luna?"

"Her? Of course not! No, I mean Princess Celestia."

"Ah."

Judging from the small amount of sun that he could see, Mortimer deduced that it was around something-o'clock. Just in time for whatever meal you had around then. A little something, perhaps. Observing some fruit hanging off a tree branch to the side of the path, Mortimer reached up and grabbed it. It seemed an awful lot like a pear. He bit into it.

"That's a pear," he said between mouthfuls.

He tossed the core into a nearby bramble patch, just to spite it. Alas, his hands were now awash with sticky juice! Luckily, there was a patch of broad, not-at-all-poisonous leaves right by the bramble patch. Mentally chastising the leaves on their choice of company, he wiped his hands and completely failed to die. He straightened up and took a step, but stopped as he heard a rustling behind him. A rather small animal.

Obviously not learning at all from what happened previously in The Many Lives Of Mortimer Matthews, specifically the bit where Mortimer was torn to shreds after bending down to look at the cute animal, Mortimer bent down to look at the cute animal. Suddenly, he froze.

No, literally. As in, he turned to stone.

"...And so when he sat down, the- " Applejack's anecdote was cut short as Twilight rammed a hoof over her mouth.

"Quiet!" Twilight whispered.

"What was that for?"

"Just look." Applejack followed where Twilight was pointing.

"So, somepony put a statue in the middle of the path. Weird, but... oh." Applejack gulped. "Is that a- "

"Yes. Cockatrice," said Twilight for the sake of those in the audience too slow to work it out already.

"What's that statue, then? Some poor pony got turned to stone?" The unicorn nodded.

"That's right."

"Well, can you, y'know, use a spell or something to unfreeze them?"

"I'm afraid not. But I do know how to deal with this problem. I'll levitate it, then while it's distracted you tell it to unfreeze whoever it is there."

"And what exactly do Ah say to make it change its mind? Offer it a box of chocolates?"

"Do try to be serious, Applejack."

"Sorry."

"Come up with something. Okay... now!"

The cockatrice, squinting smugly at its new lawn ornament, barely registered the ponies in the bushes until it found itself being hoisted into the air and a leaf draped over its eyes. And then it was shouted at.

"All right, you freaky chicken! Unfreeze that poor pony over there, or else I'll... uh... what'll I do?"

"Cockatrice, if you don't unfreeze that pony, then we'll have to get Fluttershy out here. Remember The Stare?" At this, the cockatrice made a squeaking noise. There was a bright flash, and colour began to blossom over the statue. Unnoticed, the cockatrice slipped away.

"Uh, Twilight?" said Applejack as the hunched figure unfolded.

"Yeah?"

"Something tells me that that ain't a pony."

Subject: Mortimer Matthews

Cause(s) of death:

-Crushed by car

-Bitten by botanical beasts

-Participating in pleasantries with a pony

-Partaking of poisonous produce