Chapters Sombra The Highly Unmotivated
Even before I put my key through the slot, I could hear my TV blaring through the living room windows. I put my hand on the knob and, before entering my condo, made myself a promise.
“If he’s still on that same part of the damn couch, I’m going to strangle him.”
And, obviously, he was.
Sombra, the three and a half-foot tall pony that had inexplicably shot through my toaster some months ago to land in my kitchen, didn’t even turn his head as I entered.
He greeted me coolly. “Good evening, slave. I hope your time spent in the mine today was not too taxing on your frail human body.”
I shut my eyes and pinched the bridge of my nose. I had left eight-and-a-half hours ago and the dark, depressing, and overall moody pony that wouldn’t leave my house had not moved a single inch since I saw him that morning.
I really shouldn’t have been surprised.
I jammed my keys on the hook. “Once again, it’s Steve . And secondly, I work at a call center. These are things you know already. And, also…”
Sombra didn’t take his eyes from the TV screen. Hovering below his head was one of my videogame controllers in a reddish aura that I still didn’t quite understand. At the moment he was playing one of my shooting games, giggling to himself each time he popped the head off an enemy. And to think I had thought it would be a good idea to teach him to play. At least it shut him up for short periods of time.
But that wasn’t what caught my attention at the moment.
“Are you wearing one of my sweatshirts?”
Sombra rolled his oddly-colored eyes. “Well, obviously. I don’t know how to work your cold weather enchanter and this place becomes chilly while you’re gone.” He glanced down to his chest. “I may have ripped a hole in it as well. Your clothes are far from horn-proof.”
“That’s also because they’re not made for talking ponies.”
Sombra paused the game to drink an open soda from the table. Scattered about were another half-dozen crushed and empty cans. “Someone should get on that, then. But more importantly, where is Friday’s edible disk of warm cheeses and meats? You return every Friday with it and now that is what I crave.”
I crossed over to the kitchen, a headache creeping on the horizon. “Pizza . It’s called ‘pizza,’ and I think you know that by now. And I didn’t pick it up because you and I need to have a chat. And I don’t think pizza’s all that good for ponies, anyways. I’m honestly surprised you’re not dead by now, given the amount of cheese you go through.”
Sombra shook his head. “It would take much more than painful indigestion to mark my end, Steve. I am immortal, if you hadn’t become aware of the fact. During my reign as King, I killed thousands and battled—”
I waved a hand at him. “Yeah, yeah, yeah. I’ve heard it all before. I think everyone would have a chance of living forever if they never moved from the couch. Is that honestly all you’ve done today?”
Sombra pursed his lips, slowly looking at all the empty chip bags and punctured drink cans circling his small spot on the couch. He said, “No. I’ve been quite busy, in fact. Before you arrived, I was conversing with other ‘virtual humans’ while removing their heads from their bodies. One of them—once he was systematically defeated and humiliated—even went as far as to insult my mother and question my sexuality.”
I opened my fridge, happy to find my ample supply of chilled beer close at hand. “And what did you say?”
Sombra giggled in that deep, cartoonish way that always made me wonder if he was faking. “I asked him how it felt to be torn asunder by a pony King.”
“Then what?”
“And after that he didn’t talk to me anymore.” He turned to me, a tad more elated. “But I also played that ‘human’ interaction game today.”
“Dating simulator.”
He smiled, showing fangs. “I’m about to breed with the fat one. Our offspring will be healthy and hardy, and once they are old enough we will join forces and rule that high school that mocks our awkward attempts at copulation and denies us our rightful place on their swimming team.”
I enjoyed the cold air from the fridge for a moment, before reaching for a beer. My hand went right through all six cans.
I sighed. “Did you drink all my beer again?”
Sombra snorted and wouldn’t face me. “What are you talking about, Steve? They’re right there in your cold box. Just go ahead and grab one.”
“They’re illusions. You replaced them with your… horn-thingy.”
He snorted again. “Maybe you should get some more, then? Along with that pizza you forgot to bring with you.”
I slammed the fridge door and stormed in front of the TV. I told him thickly, “That’s it. We’re talking. Right now.”
Sombra leaned to his side to look around me. “You’re blocking the image machine.”
Angrily, I flipped off the TV and yanked the cord attached to the headset Sombra was wearing around the ears. Once they were removed, his laughter died, and he glared at me with a deep-set frown.
Having swept each crumb and candy wrapper onto the already stained carpet, I sat on the opposite end of the couch. I told him, “Doing nothing all day is one thing, Sombra, but drinking all my beer—again —is when you start to piss me off. If greasy cheese hasn’t killed you yet, then beer will.”
Sombra crossed his forelegs together—something I was still confused a horse-like creature could do. “But I like your alcoholic beverage. It’s not as well refined as the wine in my kingdom, but it makes my head feel all fuzzy, just the same.”
I closed my eyes and put a finger to my temple. “So not only do I have a talking pony living on my couch rent free, but one that drinks all my beer while I’m away.”
“I don’t understand the problem, human slave.”
“Steve.”
“Human Steve,” he corrected. “You can go buy more.”
I sighed. “That’s not the point. And stop calling me ‘your slave.’ That’s not how this works.”
He displayed a single fang. “Yet I sit here all day while you clean my home and bring me food. Are you sure you’re not my slave, Steve?”
I’d been down this line of looping conversation enough to see the warning signs. I pointed a finger at him. “You’re fat, Sombra. And lazy. And you need to get the hell off my couch and back to where you came from.”
Both of Sombra’s pupils shrunk as he ran two hooves along his stomach. “I’m not fat, you insipid fool! I’m merely preparing myself to destroy those that usurped me and banished me here.”
“By sitting on them?”
“I—” Sombra choked on some spit. He stared at me warily. “You know, Steve, if I wanted to, I could cave your head in like a rotten pumpkin.”
I shook my head. “Doing that would eject you from this place pretty fast.”
Sombra kept prodding his belly. “Well, maybe if you actually let me leave this shack of a castle every once in a while, I wouldn’t be in such a decrepit state.”
I said casually, “We tried that, remember? It was called ‘going for a walk.’”
He growled, “You put a leash on me.”
“That’s because there’s laws for that. And if walking around with Mike Tyson’s interchangeable dog wasn’t enough of an oddity, you tried talking to some people. You’re only lucky most people are dumb and they’d actually believe I was a ventriloquist.”
Sombra set his oversized head on a hoof. “I was only trying to converse with someone other than you. I’m sure if you’d let me explain my predicament to them, they would have understood and tried to help.”
“No. They would have called the authorities and I would have wound up on the news and you would have wound up in a zoo. Trust me. You don’t want that.”
He mumbled to himself, “Why does no one understand that I’m simply better than them?”
I put my feet up on the table, a tad apprehensive about the discussion to follow. “Somehow you landed in my kitchen through my toaster, Sombra, along with my burnt English muffin. For weeks on end you went off all crazy-like about how you were going to kill and maim a whole bunch of other colorful ponies with names like fruit drinks. And now , seven whole months later, you don’t mention going back to your home at all.” I picked up a dusty, leather bound text sitting on the coffee table. “And that’s after I spent one-hundred and twenty bucks on this book to get you out of my hair and back in wacky-pony-land.”
“Equestria.”
“Whatever.” I turned to him. “What happened to that tyrannical ruler that wanted nothing more than to enslave an entire race? What happened to that King that monologues his diabolical plans all night, even after I threw my alarm clock at him?” I motioned to the array of discarded snacks thrown about. “You’ve become lazy, Sombra. Now you need to buck up and move the hell out of my condo, because you’re munching yourself right through my rent money.”
“I told you I’d pay you back. I have a whole treasury under my castle.”
I shook my head. “I’m not interested in your pony bits with Princesses on them.”
Sombra pointed a leg at that old spell book I was holding. “How do we know that even works? For all we know, it could send me anywhere!”
I shut my eyes, once again wondering if the absurd price of steel muzzles from the local pet store could possibly be worth the hole in my bank account.
I said slowly, “We tested it, remember? We sent one of my coffee cups through the portal and it came back far more colorful and cheerful than a cup has any right to be. I’m sure it’s the right place.”
Sombra swallowed dryly, his frown edging into a pout. He hitched in a breath. “But I don’t want to leave, human Steve.” He turned to me with a faint shimmer in both eyes, more adorable than any murderous ex-overload should be. “I like it here. It so much warmer here than in my icy kingdom, and the food is so much better. And you have meat ! And your image machine is so much fun and now the only things I need to worry about governing over are this small house and you , of course.”
“I am not your slave.”
He snickered. “Go ahead and keep telling yourself that.”
As well as annoyed, now I was mad. “I don’t care if you’re comfy, Sombra. Of course you’re comfy. You live on a bloody couch twenty-four hours a day. You need to leave.”
“But…” Sombra glanced around the living room with rising dismay. “What of the stories we watch? The Badly Breaks and the House of Thrones?”
I counted on my fingers. “First off: It’s Breaking Bad . Secondly: it’s House of Cards and Game of Thrones . Thirdly: I don’t care if you watch another second of any of that.”
Sombra’s chin quivered. “But I need to know if that bald mineral human ever finds his minerals. And what happens to that human that became ruler of all other humans by rightfully silencing and destroying those that got in his way. He became King ! I related to him.”
“Well, sorry to tell you, Mr. Couch Potato, but two of those shows won’t be finished for years. One of them, considering the author might die at any moment, who the hell knows when.”
Sombra stood up on the couch proudly, several knees popping from the sudden move. “Then it is settled, human Steve. I will remain in your home until these enjoyable tales are told to competition. And, perhaps, after we view them a single time more, I will leave. I’m glad we’ve come to an agreement, you and I.”
I pulled him back to the couch. “That’s not how this works. You leave, and I get my sanity back.”
Sombra fretfully tapped his hooves together. “Umm… but how do you know I’m not only a part of your subconscious, Steve? Perhaps your twisted and warped mind created me to torment you forever for the sins of your fathers, and also to sleep on your couch.”
“Because I can do this.”
I poked his nose. Repeatedly.
His crossed eyes stared at my invasive finger. “Stop that!”
I wiped my finger on the edge of the couch. “You’re real, pony boy. Real enough to move out.”
He leaned closer to me, adding an eerie glow behind both red and green eyes. “But is that truly what you want, Steve? If I leave, you will be alone in this world. Doesn’t that scare you? Frighten you? Are you not afraid of having no one else around?”
I pushed his head away from me. “We’ve been through this. Your fear mumbo-jumbo doesn’t really do all that much anymore. You scared me out of the house at three in the morning once to get burgers because I thought I was about to die, so don’t think I’ll be falling for that again.”
Grabbing my expensive spell book from the table, I left the couch and went to the kitchen. Then I stood in front of the toaster that had brought my annoying roommate into the world. It still worked, too. “No more talk. Come here and we’ll send you back.”
Sombra hitched in another breath, eyes desperately searching the small room. “But… Steve…”
I ignored him and flipped open the text. “No more ‘buts,’ Sombra. I’ve seen your naked butt enough around my place and dealt with enough clogged shower drains to last me a lifetime and a half. The free ride’s over, my friend.”
I ran a finger down the page I’d dog-eared before, then I practiced a few of the trickier incantation words out loud. What stopped me was an odd sound coming from the living room.
I looked away from my book. “Are you crying?”
“No.” Sombra sniffled and looked away from me. “I’ve only become suddenly allergic to your garments.”
He sniffled again and I rolled my eyes. Painfully, I pried myself from the kitchen and again sat beside him on the couch.
Sombra hastily rubbed at his eyes before he slumped onto my side. Once there, he nudged his head into my arm.
I looked down. “What are you doing now?”
He nudged me again. “I want you to scratch my head, human Steve. Your words have greatly wounded me today and when that lady in the park scratched my head, I remember it felt good.”
“That’s called ‘petting,’ Sombra. And the one time I tried to do that, you bit me and I had to go to the emergency room.”
He wouldn’t stop nudging me. “That’s because you didn’t have permission and weren’t doing it right. But now you do. So make me feel better, slave.”
I ignored the latest barb, hopeful to send him on his way soon enough. Grabbing a handful of dark mane, I scratched him behind the ears as he continued to pout into my side.
He said quietly, “You might not know this, Steve, but it hurts to blow up. A lot. A blinding white light tore me into a thousand tiny pieces and everyone was happy about it. It was like they made me the bad guy or something. All I wanted was to enslave the world and have everyone bend to my will and work in my crystal mines. Was that too much to ask of them?”
I remained silent on the topic of colorful pony genocide.
He rubbed his head into my side, spreading tears and snot in abundance. “What happens if I go back and don’t win? I don’t want to blow up again, Steve. And I know they all hate me there, and I hate them, too—each and every one of those stupid mares and that stupid unicorn couple and that stupid heart and that stupid dragon.”
I was sure it would have all made sense if I had been there.
He stared up at me with tear-stained cheeks. “I’m not ready to face them again, Steve. I don’t want to lose. I don’t want to be universally hated again. It’s safe here. It’s warm and everything makes sense and there’s beer in the fridge sometimes. You don’t hate me, do you?”
I thought about that for a moment.
He continued, “I’m sick of being hated, Steve. It takes its toll on even the most valiant of stallions.”
I chewed on my tongue. “I don’t completely hate you, Sombra. No. I guess not.”
He looked at me again, extending his lower lip. “So you’ll let me stay on your couch?”
My heart lurched and my right eye twitched. If Sombra was considered one of the uglier ponies in his world, I doubted many humans would survive a single encounter with one of the actual adorable ones.
I grimaced. “Only for a little while longer, okay? Because once you figure out what you plan on doing once back in Equestria, you need to be getting out of here. Sound fair?”
He nodded. “Indeed it does.” Then he got up off the couch and removed the tears from his face. “So, how about that pizza, then? I don’t believe it will be getting itself anytime soon, Steve. If you need me, I’ll be on my throne.”
“You mean the toilet.”
“Throne!” he yelled back as he walked down the hall.
Over the next few minutes I sat, wondering once more how to potentially remove my unwanted houseguest. Coming away with little to nothing, I went to my laptop and rechecked the current prices of steel muzzles.
Just my luck—there was even a deal this week.
Author's Note
What is this now, my fifth Sombra story? (Sixth with the other account.) Seems like I have a Sombra-dependency problem. I'll make sure to look into that... later.
Sombra The Highly Unmotivated
I moved my character down the dimly lit hall and was immediately shot in the head. After respawning, I moved him in the opposite direction and was knifed in the back seconds later. After deliberating for a time, I stood in place and wondered how many grenades I had left. During my musings, I was struck by an RPG and my character flipped into the air, crashing back down in a pile of burning flesh.
While I sighed, Sombra laughed.
He turned to me on the couch, giggling childishly. “It’s funny because you’re on fire. And because I was the one that set you on fire. Now I’m imagining you on fire and it’s even funnier than before.” He chuckled and looked at the screen again, his controller floating in a reddish aura. “Why do you buy games you’re so terrible at, Steve? Do you enjoy the art of being defeated with minimal effort?”
I ignored my pony chum’s taunts and concentrated on the game again. On the ground I found a gun I was rather good with and prepared for an assault. Too bad I hadn’t noticed the landmine Sombra had laid for me, leveling my character as the pony guffawed all over again, spraying my coffee table with bits of spit.
I left the couch and shut off the system, once again realizing I was spending my free weekend playing videogames with a pony—a fact I generally held to myself while gossiping at work.
I pointed a finger at Sombra. “Well, not all of us can spend twelve hours a day playing the same game. Some of us need to work for a living. You know, to buy things and keep a roof over our heads.”
Sombra cocked a brow. “Are you saying I never worked during my time as King?”
I nodded. “Yes, actually. That’s exactly what I’m saying. You had slaves, remember? Thousands of them! They did the work and you sat on your ass. I don’t see much of a difference between then and now.”
“Don’t you call your own boss a slave-driver from time to time?”
I thought for a moment. “I do. But he doesn’t kill people for lack of results.”
Sombra rolled his eyes. “He’s going easy on you, then. You humans. So soft and so malleable.” He set his controller down and levitated a popcorn kernel to his mouth from the bowl. He chewed noisily. “What now, human Steve? Another game?”
I strolled to my cabinet of DVDs, flipping out the one I was looking for. “No more games, Sombra. At least until I buy a new one you haven’t had a chance to play. I’ll show you a movie of mine—one of my favorites. It’s not like that recycled garbage you’d find in the theaters these days, so if you actually do leave my house one day, at least you’ll have seen a few good films from the human world.”
I put the disc in and sat back on the couch. I cracked open a pop and watched Sombra levitate another kernel to his mouth.
I told him, “Pass me one.”
Sombra glanced at me. “All right. Open your mouth.”
I did and the kernel flew into my eye, a small trail of butter coursing down my cheek.
Sombra ate another one. “It seems I have missed. Let’s try again.”
I shook my head. “No thanks. I’ll stick with hands.”
I took the bowl away from him and watched the opening titles of the film, trying my best to ignore the loud munching occurring inches away. At least he seemed to be paying attention.
Then I thought of something from the night before.
I tried to say casually, “You know, you could always apologize.”
“For what?”
“I mean, when you get back to your own world, apologize for the slavery and murder and all around dickish things you’ve done. I’m sure given how peaceful you’ve made the place and other ponies sound, they wouldn’t try and blow you up again if you actually meant it.”
Sombra frowned, halting an incoming kernel. “I would never apologize to those stupid mares. They took my kingdom and my slaves and then tossed me here. It is them that should apologize. I was just doing my job. Far better than they ever could.”
I kept silent for a moment. “You could always apologize to me, then.”
He waved a hoof. “Oh, Steve, what have I ever done to you, beside grace your ramshackle home with my glorious presence?”
“For starters, you ate my cat during your first week here.”
He turned to me, confused. “That was a mistake? But it was delicious!”
I shut my eyes. “Mittens wasn’t supposed to be delicious.”
He grinned. “Could you buy another Mittens? Maybe a bigger one this time?”
I stuck my finger into his shoulder. “I loved that cat, Sombra.”
He licked his lips. “So did I! And we got along great. Just ask my stomach what it thought of Mittens.”
Angered by the thought of my deceased cat, I roughly flicked one of his ears.
He brought a hoof to his head. “Ow! Stop that, Steve! My ears are far more important and delicate than yours.”
“After you killed my cat, you know how long I stood over your sleeping body with a pillow in my hands, wondering if I had the nerve?”
Sombra watched the TV again. “Why? If I’d needed extra pillows, I would’ve just taken them.”
I bit the tip of my tongue and turned away from him, again regretting my lack of willpower evicting him from my home. Why did ponies need to be cute? Especially homicidal, cat-eating, evil ex-tyrants? Next time I try shoving him back through the toaster, I’ll try it with a bag over his head.
On the TV, the film titles ended and the main character entered the screen, strolling down a back alley as a strong wind ruffled his coat. A narration followed his actions.
Sombra asked, “Any ponies in this story?”
I shook my head. “Not in this one, no.”
He grumbled, “There hasn’t been a single pony in any of your story discs. I’m starting to believe you humans have something against our kind.”
“Ponies don’t talk in this world. And I think they’d look a little weird next to a whole cast of other humans. I mean, think of it like this: imagine a single human entering your pony world and trying to interact with everyone for some silly reason. Wouldn’t that sound ridiculous?”
We looked at each other and laughed out loud. If I’d have kept a tally of all the nice moments between us, I think we’d be up to number four. I couldn’t wait until next month’s special moment.
On the TV, the main character stopped his narration and entered a small café to sit at the back. A waitress came and handed him a note.
Sombra turned to me, “Why’d she do that?”
“It’s a secret. You’re not supposed to know until later.”
“Was that character important?”
“No. She was just a waitress. That’s the only thing she does in this film.”
“Oh.” He nodded. “What did those numbers on the note mean?”
I sighed. “I told you. It’s a secret. One you won’t understand until later.”
He pointed a hoof at the screen. “So who’s that human?”
“That’s the main character.”
“Why’d he go to that place?”
“To get the note.”
“Why’d he get the note?”
“It’s a secret.”
“Why is it a secret?”
“You’ll figure that out later.”
“But I want to know now. Tell me now.”
“That would ruin the surprise.”
“I don’t like surprises. Tell me now.”
I abruptly left the couch and turned off the TV. In all good consciousness, I wasn’t about to let my pet pony wreck one of my favorite films for me by talking all the way through it.
I said more to myself, “And that’s the end of that film.”
Sombra ate another hovering kernel. “That was it? Seemed short. And I still don’t understand what that note was supposed to mean.”
Fearing my brains were about to pour out from my ears, I walked to my bedroom down the hall and locked the door. Sixty seconds later I heard the TV flip back on and the sounds of shooting soon after. That was fine. At least he didn’t talk while he played.
***
“Why don’t you ever bring that woman over anymore?”
I looked up from my simple spaghetti dinner at the table and pursed my lips. Sombra sat in his usual spot on the couch, his muzzle coated with sauce and bits of noodles. By that point in time, I’d stopped trying to teach him the noble art of napkin usage.
I groaned. “Well, for starters, she never really believed you were a dog that got mangled up in the wheels of a truck.”
He slurped another noodle. “That’s because I’m a pony.”
“I can’t really tell people that, Sombra. PETA would be breaking down my door pretty fast. And not many girls are all that attracted to guys keeping ponies in their condos.”
“Why?”
I didn’t know how to explain that, exactly. “It’s a turnoff, as hard as that is to believe.”
He grinned at me, tomato sauce giving his fangs a red tint. “Afraid I’d steal her from you, Steve?”
“No. Afraid you’d try and talk to her.” I pointed a fork at him. “I remember on our second date you wouldn’t leave us alone. You sat on the floor right next to the couch and every few moments I had a mini heart attack because you’d start opening your mouth, preparing to speak.”
“I wanted to tell her she was sitting in my spot.”
“You don’t have authority over my couch, Sombra.”
He grinned again. “You human slaves are so naive, it’s almost cute.”
I used my napkin and leaned back in my chair. “You know what would have happened if you started talking to her?”
“I would have finally had my first intellectual conversation in months?”
I faked a laugh. “No. She would’ve thought I drugged her and she would’ve called the cops. Then I’d be in jail and you’d be up for sale—purchased by some Nigerian prince that wanted to add you to their collection of oddities, right next to their solid gold Ferrari.”
Sombra scoffed at the notion. “They could never afford the likes of me.”
I took a pull from my beer. “I know I can’t. If I return you to Equestria, could I ask for a refund?”
Now Sombra faked a laugh. “Oh, funny human with the funny human jokes! Hehehe hohoho.” He wiped his messy muzzle with a leg. “You’d be miserable without me.”
I brought my empty plate to the kitchen and put it in the sink. “You’re a dirty, rotten liar, Sombra. I just wanted you to know that. And the moment I can get you out of my hair will be the single greatest moment in my otherwise bland existence. I can’t wait to see your highfalutin ass off my couch and out of my life.”
Knock-knock-knock.
Sombra and I looked at the door and then to the set of shut curtains next to it.
He said to me, “Well, obviously it’s not for me. But what other poor soul would want to spend time with you , Steve?”
I ignored the jab and walked to the window next to the door. “I’m sure it’s just some door to door salesmen or something. Just stay on the couch and out of view. And keep your trap shut for once.”
Sombra said, “It’ll be a hard task, but I’ll try.”
I delicately pulled back the curtain and angled my head to look outside. Finding no one in front of the door, I pulled the curtain back another inch and looked at my doormat. The very sight caused me to cough into my arm.
I shut the curtain and turned to Sombra. “There’s… someone at the door.”
Sombra nodded. “Very good, human. You are making progress. Next I will teach you the subtle art of opening doors . It might seem difficult, but I’m sure—”
I shook my head vigorously, unsure of what to make of our visitor outside. “Okay. Maybe the term ‘someone’ wasn’t correct. Let’s try ‘some pony.’ As in, there’s ‘some pony’ outside the door.”
Sombra cocked his head to the side. “Oh, really, Steve? Some ‘pony’ just knocked on your door? You’re really going to need to think of something better to get me to leave.” He chuckled. “Let me guess: it’s purple and it even has a horn. Am I correct?”
I nodded. “And wings, too. She must be some special edition pony or something. She’s short and… oddly adorable.”
Sombra rolled his eyes. “Well, now I know you’re lying. The only purple pony I remember was the one that helped destroy me months ago. Last time I saw her she didn’t have wings and was uglier than mud.” He left the couch to stand on the floor. “Still, let’s continue onward with your attempt at humor. Is there a blue elephant behind her? Is she here to deliver next Friday’s pizza?”
When Sombra noticed my silence and worried expression, his face dropped and he hurried to the window. Standing awkwardly on a chair, he pulled a section of curtain back, banging his horn against the glass to get a look. Then he fell off the chair.
Sprawled out along the floor, he yelled, “They’ve found me! ”
I stood over the horrorstruck pony. “Who’s found you?”
“Them! Those stupid mares that blew me up using the power of love! And they’re here to do it again, Steve! I know it!”
I knelt down beside him. “You keep shouting like that, and I have no doubt they’ll find you in a hurry.”
He sucked in air and put two hooves to his mouth.
It was oddly pleasant watching the former jerk ass King in such a worried state.
I told him, “So what you’re saying, Sombra, is that these little ponies have somehow found a way into the human world, strictly on a mission to come get you ?”
He nodded, breathing heavy. “Yes, Steve. I’m sure of it. They’ll take me back to Equestria and who knows what evils they’ll do to me. Those mares… they may look cute and adorable, but the moment you enslave an entire race, they’ll blast you with everything they’ve got.”
“I’ll make sure to remember that.” I thought for a moment. “Now let me get this straight. If I open that door right now and tell her you’re in here, you’d be gone from my life forever? Could I possibly be hearing that correctly?”
Sombra gulped dryly. “Umm… more or less, yes.”
I snapped my fingers. “Then let me go answer the door!”
I took a step towards the entrance and felt a pair of legs wrap around my ankle. I looked down and smiled at the desperately clinging pony.
He stared at me with pity. “Now, Steve, we can talk about this.”
I took another step, dragging him along the hardwood. “Nah. I’m good. You had your chance to be a civilized houseguest. Several , in fact. But I think this bizarre experiment has run its course.”
He squeezed my leg tighter. “Please, Steve! I know there is good in your heart and you know this is wrong. They’re going to blow me up again, I just know it!”
I looked at him again. “I highly doubt a tiny pony like that could blow up anything—especially something as second-grade evil as you.”
I took another step and almost tripped as Sombra wrapped his other two legs around my free one. I looked down again and found him trying his innocent face on me. Sadly, he had gotten really good at it.
He said softly, “But, Steve, I’m your friend. I’m your pal. I’m your bro.” He thought for a moment. “I’m your Som-bro, Steve.”
I sighed. “How long you been holding onto that for?”
He glared at me. “For just this type of occasion.”
I stopped my sluggish march towards the door. “I wasn’t really going to hand you over, Sombra. I just wanted to see you squirm, given how evil you claim to be.”
Sombra gravely looked from me to his legs held tight around mine. Finding the sight suddenly disgusting, he rolled away and got back to his hooves. He shook back and forth like a dog.
He shot back, “That was mean, Steve. This is my life on the line, if you hadn’t noticed. These are dangerous ponies we’re dealing with. Don’t let their gaudy color scheme make you think differently.” He looked around the room. “All right, here’s what we do. You lure her in here with the promise of an education program on the image machine, and when she is good and complacent, I’ll sneak behind the couch and bash her skull in with your hammer. Tomorrow, we’ll throw her corpse in the outside garbage bins.”
I was very tempted to flick his ear again.
I pointed a finger at him. “That is not what’s going to happen. According to my rules, you kill someone, you go to hell. You kill a dog or an animal, you go to an even worse hell.” I pointed at the door. “You kill an adorable, talking purple pony in cold blood? I’m pretty sure they hand you the keys to the underworld immediately thereafter.”
Sombra frowned at me. “Would it help if I said please ?”
“No.”
Sombra exhaled angrily. “Then what’s your idea?”
“I’ll tell her to leave. I’ll tell her you’re not here.”
“I’m sure if they’ve knocked on your door, Steve, they know for a fact I’m in here.”
I raised a hand. “And what if they’re searching the whole area?”
Sombra nervously tapped his hooves against the floor. After a moment, he looked up to me. “All right. Try it and see what happens. Perhaps her overall good-natured-ness will prove too much and she won’t be able to barge in without permission.” He walked over to me and placed a hoof on my on leg. “I’m trusting you, Steve. Don’t believe her lies. They’re the evil ones. Not me.”
Tempted as I was to bring up my laundry list of facts proving the contrary, I went to the door while Sombra hid around the corner. I had to remind him that I could still see his horn.
I half closed my eyes and pretended to rub at them. Then I opened up.
A three-foot tall purple pony with wings and a horn smiled brightly as I opened the door. Her mane and tail had a trio of colors and some bizarre tattoo had been stamped on both sides of her butt. Equestria must have been one strange world indeed, I thought.
She greeted me happily, “Hello there! My name is Twilight Sparkle.”
I rubbed at my eyes. “Hello. I’m Steve. What can I do you for?”
Her infectious grin never left her face. “Well, I was just in the neighborhood and since I was close by, I was perchance wondering if you’re harboring an ex-King stallion that goes by the name of Sombra?”
I brought a finger to my cheek. “Can’t say that I’ve heard of such a guy. What’s he look like?”
She angled her head to look around me. “Dark, really. Dark mane. Dark coat. Red horn. Odd hair. Likes crystals and slaves.”
I nodded along to her little list, her high-pitched voice only adding to her overall adorableness. Could these really have been the ones that tore Sombra apart after he was defeated? It all seemed so unbelievable.
I told her, “I think I would’ve remembered someone like that. So, sorry, but can’t say that I have. I live alone. Sometimes I have a girl over.”
I wasn’t sure why I felt the need to tell her such things.
Twilight nodded pleasantly. “That’s all right. Just thought I’d ask.”
I hesitated. “You asking everyone around here that question?”
She answered, “Nope. Just you.”
I spared a quick glance from side to side, curious if any neighbors on my condo block were seeing any of this. Close to nine at night, most had their curtains drawn and the parking lot was vacant.
I rubbed the back of my head. “Well, I see you later, then.”
She nodded. “I’m sure you will, Steve.”
I attempted to close the door, but she stopped it with a hoof. I looked down at her again.
She said, “Sorry to trouble you, Steve, but I’m only surprised with how well you’re taking all this.”
All at once, I was nervous. “What wouldn’t I take well?”
“The fact that you’re talking to a pony. Almost as if you’d done so before, and that my sight isn’t all that new or frightening to you.”
I silently died a little inside. Clearly that was something I should have thought about before talking with her.
I rubbed at my eyes again. “Oh, wait? You’re a pony ? Get out of here! That’s crazy! That’s… insane! And you’re purple and stuff! What an oddity!”
She looked at me curiously.
I tried to think of something else. “I’m also super high right now. Before opening the door, I dropped like three hits of acid. I’m seeing like… six ponies right now. One of them is pink and somehow holding balloons. I’m a total mess.”
She furrowed her brows. “You mean Pinkie Pie?”
This wasn’t going as well as could be.
I grabbed the edge of the door. “I better go sleep this off, hallucinogenic pony. Maybe get myself to rehab in the morning. Okay. Goodbye. Sleep tight.”
I shut the door and went to the curtains, prying open a corner.
Twilight still stood outside, lifting a leg to knock again. Eventually she left, and I collapsed back to the couch, startled and unsure.
Sombra walked back in. “What happened? Do they know I’m here?”
I had trouble meeting his eyes. I told him delicately, “They might.”
Sombra The Highly Unmotivated
I sipped my lukewarm coffee and sighed as my phone rattled against my desk again. After the first few calls, I put it on silent, but that didn’t stop it from shaking across my workspace every couple of minutes.
My computer screen was full of calls I was expected to make at a hurried clip. Most days I simply hated my job. Today, I actually didn’t mind it. At least it kept me out of the potential pony war brewing around my house for a meager couple of hours.
My cell phone buzzed against my desk again.
I mumbled, “I never should have given him this number.”
One of my co-workers walked by and noticed my blinking cell.
He pointed at it. “You ever going to answer that?”
I propped my head up on my hand and glared at him.
Laughing, he leaned against my desk. “Trouble at home?”
“Something like that.”
“With the spouse?”
A terrible image crept into my brain and I was tempted to drill into my temple to pull it back out. “Not exactly. It’s something I can’t quite explain, and truthfully, doesn’t involve me.”
The phone rattled on.
My co-worker said, “Might not involve you, but it seems as if they think it does. I wouldn’t ignore it all day, Steve. At least see what they have to say.”
I stared at him, at once wanting him to vacate my work space. “Such wisdom. All from a person that works bottom rung at a call center.”
He stood up abruptly. “Hey, so do you, Steve.”
I picked up my blinking phone. “I haven’t forgotten, believe you me. I’ve only accepted my fate. Oddly enough, my time spent here is better than my time spent at home.”
He whistled. “You must live with a tyrant.”
I thumbed through my growing list of missed calls. “You have no idea.”
***
“Message one: Steve? Steve, are you hearing this? Is my voice being captured and sent to you correctly? If so, then why in Tartarus aren’t you picking up? If you hadn’t noticed, there are alicorns after me, you moronic fool! Why would you even go to work? Steve, I think—”
Bleep.
“Message erased.”
Gloomily, I looked at the remaining twenty-four voice messages and skipped to number twelve. Never before had I heard Sombra as anxious and afraid. I swear I only took the smallest amount of joy from listening.
“Message twelve: I’m going to start breaking things, Steve. Come home so we can think of some way of destroying them. Pick up, pick up, pick up. You don’t know what they could be doing. They could be outside right now, thinking of new ways of tearing me apart! You really want to clean up all the chunks? Is that what you want? Before I die, I’ll make sure to spray every last inch of your shoddy dwelling with every ounce of my—
“Message erased.”
I knew I shouldn’t have continued, but it was like the audio equivalent of potato chips.
“Message twenty-one: Steve, you’ve given me no choice. I’m using your laptop right now. Hear this? That’s my hooves on the little buttons with the little letters on them. Remember what I looked up before? I’m going to do it again, Steve. And then I’ll save it as your wallpaper. You told me it was illegal before, but now I don’t care. Come home and protect me from those villainous mares. Because I’m almost certain once my corpse has been properly desecrated and erased from existence, they’ll do the same to you. I wouldn’t put it—
“Message erased.”
I mentally told myself to buy a new laptop on the way home. I sighed when my phone rang again. Peering over my three cubicle walls for potential listeners, I finally answered.
“Hello, Sombra.”
“Don’t ‘Hello, Sombra’ me! ”
“Then should I say ‘Bye, Sombra’ instead?”
Sombra lowered his voice. “Wait. Wait. I take it back, Steve. But, how, in all good conscience, could you leave me here on my own while you know ponies are hunting for me?”
I leaned back in my chair. “Because I need the money and this job gives me that money. And also because you’re not really at the top of my priorities list.”
He chuckled. “I beg to differ. I am at the top of every list.”
“Laziest ponies?”
“At least I’m good at something. So then what number am I on your list, Steve?”
I thought of a random one. “Forty-four.”
“Who else is on your list?”
I started listing. “Well, I’m number one. Then this job is number two. Number three would be the condo. The girl I bring over might be number four. The TV’s number five.”
“I get it!” he growled. “Who’s before me? Number forty-three?”
I tapped my fingers against my desk. “The lamp. Good ol’ dependable lamp. Shines a light in my life like no one else.”
“I see.”
The other end of the call went silent.
Crash!
Sombra came back on the line. “I destroyed your lamp, Steve. Now that makes me forty-three. What’s forty-two?”
I sighed, wondering which store along the ride home sold both laptops and lamps.
I yawned into my hand. “When I get home, we’ll think of something. Right now, I’m supposed to be working, not talking to ponies.”
Sombra said earnestly, “We should leave, Steve. We should make a run for it. Someplace those annoying mares would never find me.”
“Since you used to live in an icy kingdom, I could always take you someplace cold again. How about Winnipeg? It’s winter all year round and considering no one wants to live there to begin with, I doubt those mares would come looking.”
Sombra paused. “I don’t like being cold.”
“You’re a real whiner, Sombra. And I’m not going to upend my life and move away just because of you. You’ve ruined half of my life so far, so I’ll be holding onto the second half as best I can.”
I could hear his hooves pacing against the hardwood in the living room.
“How would you like it, Steve, if you came home and I was nowhere to be found? It would tear you up inside, it would. Knowing full well that you could have helped an innocent pony in their time of need—”
I couldn’t help but laugh. “Innocent? ”
“You could never live with yourself if something happened to me. So come home right this minute and let’s destroy those mares once and for all!” He paused. “And bring chips. We’re out of chips.”
I ended the call and stared at my phone for a while. How tempting it would be to drop it in the trash and spend the next two weeks in some cheap motel. Then I could always come back to the condo and clean up whatever mess Sombra and his pony pals had left after everything had been said and done. The condo would become mine again and all this pony nonsense would be over with. They wouldn’t really hurt him again, would they? That adorable purple pony that had knocked on my door actually snuffing out another life? It seemed highly unlikely.
Then again, it was Sombra they were dealing with.
And I thought if anyone could bring murderous rage atop his head, it was Sombra.
***
I ate my lunch at my desk and studied the leather bound text I’d bought to send Sombra back through the toaster. Although I’d yet to make good on that front, I thought maybe there still might be a few nuggets of novelty to mine from the book.
In-between bites of tuna salad, I mumbled a few words.
“Klaatu… Bar… something or other…”
Near the back of the book had been the spell that opened the small portal to Sombra’s Equestria. At the front were a series of smaller spells that I had a miniscule hope of understanding. I could read the words by sounding them out long enough, but I really had little notion of what each one did. Tiny illustrations sat along the top and the sides of the incantations; more than likely a hint at what would happen if performed.
What child never dreamed of shooting fire from their hands?
I flipped another page, searching for such an illustration.
Bring-bring! Bring-bring!
Instantly, I sighed, fearing another call from Sombra. Then I realized it was my work phone ringing.
I picked up. “Hello, Steve speaking.”
“Hello, Steve. Glad we have a chance to talk again.”
That voice. Pleasant. Sweet. Horribly familiar .
I tried to remember her name. “Flashlight Snorkel?”
“Close. Twilight Sparkle. And you remember me, that’s great. I was hoping you’d feel more like yourself after sleeping. Is now a good time to talk?”
My mind raced. “Well, actually, no. I’m at work. And how did you get this number?”
“Simple,” she answered brightly. “We called up your place of work and asked for Steve. Once that first Steve ended up being another Steve, they sent the call here. You’re really not all that hard to find, you know.”
I had trouble putting coherent thoughts together. “Well, that alone is pretty creepy, but now’s not a great time to chat. Maybe later, all right? So—”
“We really should talk, Steve. I understand why you lied last night, but now you can be honest with me. We know Sombra’s been holding you hostage for the last several months, and we’re here to put a stop to it. You shouldn’t be afraid of us. We’re here to help you.”
I silently grunted my disapproval of being labeled as Sombra’s hostage. Since I knew he’d find such a thought hilarious, I vowed never to make mention of it.
I told the purple pony sternly, “You need to stop bothering me, whoever this is. You caught me in an awkward state last night and the fact that you’re continuing on with this pony-business is rather unsettling. It needs to stop. I am not harboring some pony King in my condo. That would go well against the condo board’s strict rules on sizeable pets.”
“You can drop the act, Steve. We know he’s in there.”
Some of her original elation dropped away.
She continued, “We tracked him down to your home, and if we wanted to, we could go in there at any time and go get him. But we don’t want to start a fight with Sombra. We have no idea what state he’s in or what he’ll do if cornered. It’s important we handle this carefully. It would be best for everyone if we kept the existence of Equestria well away from humankind. If we can, we need for him to come back with us peacefully. And we think that’s only possible with your help.”
I closed my eyes and rubbed at my forehead.
It was becoming clear they knew a lot more than I thought they might.
“Sombra doesn’t want to go back. He thinks you’ll blow him up again.” I paused. “Did you blow him up? I thought you guys were all peaceful and junk?”
Twilight sighed. “We had to, Steve. He was preparing to take back his Empire along with all his slaves. If it had been up to me, he would have wound up in Tartarus for his crimes. But, instead of wounding him like I thought it might, the Crystal Heart tore him apart and sent him here.”
Crystal Heart? I thought. “Didn’t have a less lethal setting on that Heart of yours?”
“It doesn’t work like that.”
“How many of you are there? And how did you even get here? I thought my make of toaster had been recalled due to numerous lawsuits.”
“Toaster? What?” She paused for a second. “None of that matters, Steve. All that matters is that you’re on board with this.”
“I…” My next thought seemed like an odd one, indeed. “Sombra’s not a bad guy, all right? From what I heard he did some bad things before, but if you’d look at him now, you wouldn’t be looking at the same pony. He’s lazy. He’s unmotivated. And the last time I tried to kick him out, he wouldn’t budge an inch. I don’t think he’s a threat to anyone anymore. Except my wallet, of course.”
I chuckled to myself. I had to add some levity to this insane situation I’d found myself in.
Twilight said, “I’m afraid what Sombra wants doesn’t matter. He needs to face the consequences of his actions.”
“He didn’t die good enough the first time for you lot?”
She exhaled sharply. “We went over this, Steve. That was a mistake. And no , he won’t be killed again or anything of the sort. We have a perfectly good reformation system in place in Equestria that should help him find the goodness deep inside of him. He will be befriended using various proven techniques. And if he can’t find that gooey center in himself in a timely manner once he’s back, then he just might not see much of the public. Or the sun.”
Sounds oddly similar to the situation he’s living in now, eating and sleeping on a couch.
I told her candidly, “You all sound like a cult.”
She brightened. “Since I don’t know what that term means exactly, I’ll take that as a compliment. We strive very hard to befriend those that need it. I wouldn’t be called the Princess of Friendship if I didn’t believe it.”
“That all makes me feel so much better. Thank you.”
I thought, Sombra was right. These ponies are insane.
“Do you all wear matching robes in this Friendship club?”
“No. But we could. Rarity would be on board, I’m sure.”
I chuckled again. “Would Sombra need to drink the Kool-Aid along with everyone else?”
“I can’t tell if you’re taking this as seriously as you should, Steve. It’s very important to us that this works.”
I stretched out in my chair, my original apprehension gone for the moment.
“The way you’re making this sound, it almost seems as if everything hinges on my approval. And if that’s the case, then it’s no deal. Sombra’s a lazy ass and I do hate him to a degree, but that doesn’t mean I’m about to fork him over to a bunch of ponies he’s deathly afraid of.”
“He’s actually scared of us?”
“He won’t admit it, but he is.”
She thought for a moment. “So does that mean you won’t be willing to help us?”
“Yes, it does. Go back to wherever you’re from and I’ll make sure Sombra stays out of sight from everyone else. When I get tired of him—I’d say give or take a week or two—I’ll send him back myself and you can do whatever you want to him. But until he gets that annoying, it’s no deal.”
Her voice brightened. “You really sure about that, Steve? I’d consider you a friend if you helped.”
So far, I hadn’t come into contact with a single pony that wasn’t a manipulative bastard.
“I’m sure.”
“Then maybe we better speak in person again. Perhaps my friends might help change your mind.”
I pressed the phone against my ear until the plastic bent. “What does that mean? I thought you didn’t want to be seen while you were here.”
She giggled. “Don’t worry. We won’t. There are ways around that. Hold tight, Steve. I’ll see you in a few minutes and we’ll talk again.”
The line disconnected and I slowly set the phone down, wondering if I’d just made a very large mistake.
***
I looked at my screen and the hundreds of calls I was expected to make. I still had close to two hours left in my shift, and the odds of my boss not having a fit if I left early were about as slim as Sombra’s chances of still fitting in his old armor.
I grimaced. I shouldn’t be kicking a pony when he’s down, even if he deserves it and more.
“They can’t come in here,” I mumbled to myself, grabbing at my mouse. “They’d be caught and some zoo officials would be called. They wouldn’t dare…”
I dragged my cursor across the screen and found it frozen in place. I tried again, leading to the same result. I unplugged it and tried plugging it back in, before attempting to type on the keyboard. Not a single result.
“Damn it.”
I left my cubicle and went to the floor’s IT guy in the corner, finally noticing the odd amount of silence that should never exist at the hub of a major call center.
I stopped behind his chair. “You got a minute? My computer’s shut me out or something.”
The IT guy stared at his screen and didn’t bother to turn. Or move at all.
“Hello?”
When he didn’t respond, I spun his chair around to face me. I almost wish I hadn’t.
The IT guy’s jaw was stuck in the middle of a word, his headset strung around an ear. His pointer finger was directed towards the ceiling, as if his latest statement held major significance.
I waved my hand in front of his eyes. “Are you all right?”
He didn’t blink or waver from his seat.
I turned to face the rest of the floor. The sight was more horrible than anything I could imagine.
Every single one of my co-workers had been frozen in place.
“You okay?”
“Why won’t you move?”
“I’m planning on eating your lunch and spitting in your coffee. So say something right now.”
From one cubicle to the next I went, poking and prodding and talking in their ears. My floor had to have close to forty workers on any average day, and now not a single one of them was moving a muscle or even realizing they’d be stuck where they sat.
I thought it might be high time I left work for the day.
“Oh, crap, crap, crap…”
I ran back to my cubicle and picked up my bag, along with the spell book. For a moment I contemplated packing up the rest of my unfinished lunch, but forgot about it entirely when I heard the elevator doors open at the other end of the room.
“Steeeeeeevvvveee! Where are you? ”
Through the stock-still work room, I heard at least a half-dozen ponies exit the elevator and step onto the carpeted floor. The one that yelled out to me sounded in near ecstasy, as if the task of hunting humans was the greatest delight of all. Or maybe due to the madness evident in her voice, everything was to her.
“We’re gonna find you! ”
I hurriedly grabbed the rest of my things and bent near the floor. Hugging the cubicle walls tight, I ran a few workstations away and ducked down. Already, I could hear them approaching.
I heard Twilight, clearly their leader. “Pinkie Pie, saying things like that aren’t helping. From what I’ve read, humans can be very fearful creatures, and we should treat him with kindness and respect. I’m sure he’ll do what is right once we explain everything to him and show him there’s nothing to worry about.”
“I think a party would set him at ease.”
“No parties, Pinkie.”
“Aww. But I’ve never had a human party before.”
“I’m sure it’s very similar to a pony party.”
I heard them come to a stop by my chair and I stuck my head out to see. Twilight had half her body in my cubicle while the other six mares stood next to her. Five of them, including the pink one I was sure they called Pinkie, were the same height and proportion as Twilight. The one in the back—the one that was scaring me the most at the time—was far larger and darker than the rest. Like Twilight, she had wings and a horn. Unlike Twilight, her coat was dark blue and her mane swayed in an unseen wave. Her demeanor also didn’t match a single one of her friends, nearly scowling as she looked over my little work space.
If Twilight Sparkle was a special edition pony, this one must have been limited edition.
The pony wearing the cowboy hat said, “He’s not here, Twilight. I reckon we scared him off with that spell of yours.”
Twilight came back out into the hall. “You’re probably right, but we couldn’t take the risk of being spotted. I only got off the phone with him a few minutes ago, so he couldn’t have gotten far. Fan out and we’ll see if we can find him before he leaves.”
A pegasus of yellow and pink brought her hoof to her mouth and squealed. “I can’t wait to meet a real human. I’ve never had the chance to spend time with one before. I hope he likes belly rubs and stories and playing games and herbal tea.”
Twilight said, “That’s not what we’re here for, Fluttershy. This is a diplomatic mission we’re on. And the sooner it’s over, the better.”
I shrank behind the cubicle walls again, unsure if I should be more afraid of the tall blue one or the pegasus that might try to spoonfeed me baby food. Slowly, I was starting to understand Sombra’s trepidation in returning home, especially considering these mares were the official sworn protectors of justice and peace.
As I walked in the direction of the stairwell by the corner of the room, I heard the seven of them break off and head in separate directions. One of them must have been jumping as they went, emitting a spring-like sound effect I was in no hurry to investigate.
Three minutes later, I’d made it to the stairs unscathed. I had a quick peek around a cubicle I was near and found a trail of chocolate bits along the floor, leading to a cardboard box propped up on a stick. Even from that distance I could see the pink and yellow pony’s curved mane tucked behind a wall, along with the rope tied around the stick.
It was weird, being thought of as an animal, considering it was a pack of ponies thinking of me in such a fashion. Viewing the trail of chocolate again, I thought she’d have better luck tempting me with dollar bills. I might have even risked it.
I went to the exit doors again and pressed my hand against the release. Slipping my pack over my shoulder, I shoved through, grimacing as the alarm went off overhead.
I’d completely forgotten this door was for emergencies only.
Sweat on my brow, I turned and found the pink Pie mare at the end of the room, her already large eyes much bigger than before. Even her hair looked bigger somehow.
“Found you!” she shouted.
It seemed she had.
Sombra The Highly Unmotivated
Another person might have reacted differently. They might have tried to make sense of the series of events that’d led to that particular moment. They might have taken a deep breath and proceeded to tell the pink mare, “All right, you’ve got me. Let’s talk and see if we can make sense of all this.”
This was what I did.
“Oh, sh—” I started to say, before I bolted into the stairwell. I slammed the door behind me, hurrying down the first set of stairs by the time I heard something smash against the door. I glanced back and found the smooshed face of a light-blue pegasus pressed against the glass. Although such a hit should have broken at least a bone or two, her tight-set expression was more of annoyance than pain.
Scraping against the door, the mare trickled out of sight and I heard the rest of their gang gallop in my direction. I didn’t waste any time waiting for them to come. On rubbery legs, I ran down the stairs, hooking my hand on the railing to keep me from falling.
I only hoped two legs were better than four on stairs.
As I got near the basement floor and the hall that led to the parking lot, the sound of hooves filled the small concrete space like artillery fire, garbage left on the stairs trampled underneath.
I pushed open the doors and stared down the dimly lit corridor, the noise from the stairs quieted once the doors shut. Only on occasion had I ventured down this skuzzy avenue towards my car. A leaking pipe from the ceiling dripped into a puddle. Fluorescent lights buzzed and flickered at random. At the very end, a set of double doors fed out into the parking lot, and with any luck, my route of escape.
The only problem was just how long the hall was, and how useless my stubby legs would be in a race against a horse.
Still, I ran like any other person would run while being harassed by ponies: hurried and confused.
Halfway down the hall, the noise of hooves increased and I knew it would only be a matter of seconds before they entered the hall. I made a split second decision and veered into the men’s room near on the right. Once inside, I checked for a lock. Finding none, I prayed that female ponies would have enough manners not to enter if occupied.
The sound of hooves on concrete increased. I entered one of the stalls and put both feet on the bowl. Then I crouched and held onto my pack, trying not to breath.
“He must have made it to the other end!” Twilight Sparkle shouted, out of breath. “We need to talk to him before he makes it out! Remember, we cannot be seen!”
Five voices collectively agreed and then sped past the washroom. I heard them trot to the far distance and exhaled in relief. I shut my eyes and ran a hand through my hair.
Clop-clop-clop-clop.
I heard a lone pony returning down the hall. Given how slow their pace was, I had a horrible idea of who it might be.
I gripped my bag tighter, causing my spell book to tumble out. I scooped it up and held it to my chest.
The washroom door opened and one of them walked in. I angled my head and saw it was the largest of them—the dark blue one with the angry scowl.
At least if I felt the urge to soil myself, I was in the right place.
She trotted to the other end of the room.
“Human?” she shouted. “Reveal yourself and end this foolishness!”
She kicked open the stall at the end. She moved onto the next, kicking it inward.
“I know you are in here, Stove! We must conduct palaver at once!”
Another door flew inward, hard enough to dent it.
Two more stalls and she’d kick in mine.
What an odd way to exit this life , I thought. Killed by a pony in a bathroom stall.
Bang! Clop-clop-clop. Bang! Clop-clop-clop.
Next she stood in front of mine.
She nudged it gently, the door rattling against the lock. “Stove? Cease these games at once.”
Obviously, I’d been found.
I sighed angrily. “It’s Steve , okay?! Steve ! How can you not know that?”
The blue mare took a step back. “I am well-aware of your name, Stove. I only have trouble pronouncing its odd human sound.” She paused. “I have spent much of last thousand years on the moon, you see.”
I didn’t see. But that didn’t matter.
“What did you do to my co-workers? Did you kill them?”
She laughed. “We would never put you in harm’s way, Stove, nor your rabble. We merely froze them in place, so that our presence would go unnoticed.”
“Won’t they suffocate?”
“No.”
“Then what about the alarm? Why did that still go off?”
A sharp edge entered the mare’s voice. “We didn’t stop time, human. We only held the others in place until we were out of sight. The unicorns of our kind can wield magic the likes of which you will never understand. So question it no further.”
I had another dozen or so questions remaining, but thought I’d be shut out with the single word “Magic” repeated continually. My computer freezing like it had should have been enough evidence that something else was at play, but then again, every company computer was a piece of crap.
She said, “If you will not come out, then I will come in there and get you myself.”
A faint blue aura pulsed around the lock. I quickly grabbed it and held it in place. Her magic was horribly strong.
“Occupied!” I yelled girlishly.
“I care not for this metal box’s current occupancy, Stove! You are setting a terrible example for your race.”
I held the lock firm. “Well, you’re not doing that much better!”
She fumed outside the stall, and I felt the tension on the lock cease.
She took a few steps back. “In ten seconds, I will force this door inward, human. If you are of sound intellect, you will come out and agree with our requests. But if you are what I’m starting to believe you are, try not to make too much of a scene as I drag you out with my teeth.” She steadied herself. “One…”
I thought frantically. “Can’t we talk about this some more?”
“We have tried that, Stove. You ran. Discussion time will come later. Counting time is now.”
She continued on counting.
With my free hand, I wiped the sweat from my brow. I stared around the cramped stall again and thought of trying to escape under the wall. She’d only find me a moment later, though.
I opened my spell book and went to the pages I’d dog-eared. The mare didn’t deserve a blast of fire to the face (not yet, anyways), but maybe I could get my most-wanted butt somewhere out of her presence.
“Six!” she yelled.
“You missed a number!”
“I have not! Come out now and help us remove that villain from your home! Seven!”
I turned to a page with an illustration that started with a full black silhouette, ending with a clear outline. I thought I’d either be teleported away, turn invisible, or become some God-like omnipotent being watching events from up on high. I’d take any of the three if it got me away from the angry blue pony.
“Eight!”
I whispered the words, slurring them horribly. These were ones I’d never gone over.
“Nine!”
I shouted them out, feeling a sharp tug on my body in all directions. I gripped the book and my bag and the world went white. As I traveled, I heard a distinct popping sound, like a cork shot from a champagne bottle.
I kept my eyes closed and waited for a sound. When none came, I lifted a single eye and stared at my sweat-drenched reflection in the mirror. I was in another washroom stall, this one with the door open.
Every washroom in the company was stacked atop each other. Before teleporting away, I’d concentrated solely on the floor above. It seemed I’d made it there.
I shouted triumphantly, “Take that, you stupid little ponies!”
“How dare you say such blasphemy!”
The dark-blue mare came to the opening of my stall, teeth clenched and eyes narrowed.
I’d successfully teleported, yes. Only about as far as the next stall over. I made a mental note to speak each word a little clearer next time. Maybe a little louder, too.
I dropped the book back in my bag and held up both hands.
“Time to talk?”
She angrily huffed at a strand of her mane. “Yes.”
Since I thought I might be too valuable to be killed, I asked, “Can I ride you back to the others?”
She leaned into the thin stall until her face was less than an inch from mine. I’m not afraid to admit I’d never been more scared in my life than in the face of an angry pony alicorn. I almost felt remorse for Sombra in that moment; defeated twice by the same group that I was forced to deal with. Then I recalled how he ate my cat and spit out fur for a week, and suddenly I wasn’t all that sad.
The mare answered bluntly, “No.”
***
Begrudgingly, I followed her out of the washroom and back out into the hall. The rest of her friends stood at the head of the parking lot, not daring to go much further. When they heard the door slam shut, they turned and trotted back to us.
Suddenly I was staring at a plethora of varying colors and mares. Three had wings, while two had horns. Each one had their own butt tattoo and manes that defied the laws of gravity. The pink one looked at me as if I were made out of sugar, while the blue pegasus with the bruised cheek looked as if she was debating whether to hit me or not. Considering they all had hardened hooves for hands and feet, I mentally voted “not” as hard as I could.
Twilight walked up. “If you needed to use the washrooms, Steve, you could’ve just said so.”
I grimaced. “That’s not why… oh, whatever. If you wanna talk, let’s talk. You already scared me half to death with your entrance. I just want this over with.”
She nodded. “That’s all we want, too. So we’ll try and make this quick.” She held out her leg to me. “I need you to touch my hoof, Steve.”
“Why?”
“Because I think it’s best if we speak somewhere else. So take my hoof.”
Clearly, it was a trap of some sort.
Twilight smiled and rotated her hoof from side to side. “You’re not going to leave me hanging, are you?”
Trap or not, it was overwhelmingly cute.
I thought, If they wanted to take over the human world, I don’t think we’d stand a chance.
I sighed. “Fine.”
I placed my hand against her hoof, where it instantly became glued in place.
“Hold tight, now,” she said.
Pop!
The same wash of white from before ate up my vision, soon replaced by a sea of black. A chair had already been placed below me, and I heard hushed whispers as well as hooves over carpet.
One of them clicked on a desk lamp and shined it in my eyes. I raised a hand to shield them. “Is this really necessary?”
The pink mare spun the light to illuminate her face. “But of course it is, Steve! How else are we supposed to get all those gooey chunks of knowledge from your head?”
All at once, I was scared again. “I thought you wanted to talk.”
She brought the lamp closer. “Tell us what you know! Where’s the closest bakery from here?”
A set of overhead lights came on and I was able to view the rest of the room. Oddly enough, it seemed about as familiar as home.
I asked, “Is this a condo? Did you teleport me to a condo?”
I glanced behind me and found the kitchen and the hall to the bedrooms. It was the exact same layout as mine.
I asked Twilight, standing by the light switch. “You rented a condo on my block? How the hell does a group of ponies rent out a condo? How the hell has no one noticed you by now?”
She walked up. “We knew this location would be vacant for some time. The tenants are on vacation right now and won’t be back until next month. We haven’t gone out all that much, and we brought provisions with us.”
I nodded, as if that all made sense somehow. “Now what? Am I your hostage or something?”
She shook her head. “Nothing of the sort, Steve.”
The pegasus of pinks and yellows walked to the side of my chair, placing a hoof on my arm. “I know when I’m meeting new ponies, I sometimes get scared. But this time it’s okay, I promise.” She smiled. “You should know that the last thing any of us want is to cause you harm.”
Fearing the effects of diabetes through the consumption of overly sweet visuals, I turned away from the mare. The hand closest to her twitched erratically. Never before had I wanted to pet something as bad. I was pretty sure humans and talking ponies were never meant to co-exist.
Twilight said, “Maybe it would help if I introduced everyone. Obviously, I’m Twilight Sparkle. To your right is Fluttershy.” She motioned to the nearby couch loaded with mares. “From left to right are Applejack, Rarity, Rainbow Dash, and Pinkie Pie on the recliner.” She stared at me again. “And behind you is Princess Luna. But I’m sure you already knew that.”
Two hooves clamped down on my shoulders; a warm breath blew on the back of my neck. “Greetings once more, human. Hope you are seated comfortably.”
She let go and trotted to some area behind me. I gulped dryly.
I told Twilight, “Well, there’s no chance I’m going to remember any of that.” I pointed a finger at each. “So for now it’s going to be Twilight, Ms. Pink, Apple-mare, Marshmallow, Rainbow-something, and the Pie One. And of course Luan.” The alicorn behind me dug her hoof into the floor. “I meant Luna, obviously.”
The mare near my chair whispered, “Why do I need to be Ms. Pink?”
Twilight closed her eyes and sighed. “Considering how we’ll hopefully not need to stay around much longer, I’ll forget you said anything. Now let’s talk about what needs to happen.”
“You want Sombra handed over on a silver platter. You’ve made that clear. And I told you I didn’t feel comfortable doing so. If you want him that bad, go get him yourself.”
Twilight walked back and forth along the carpet. “That could very well end in a fight, Steve. And that’s something none of us want.”
Luna snorted behind me. “I would welcome such a battle! That murderous stallion deserves nothing more than pain and death. Rehabilitation? Bah! You and my sister are too soft on wrongdoers.”
Twilight rolled her eyes. “Remember, Luna, indoor voice. These walls are a little thin.”
Luna huffed again and went silent.
“Has Sombra ever told you what he used to do, exactly?”
I thought for a moment. “He was a King, right? A bad one. Both morally and professionally.”
“That’s one way of putting it. But did he ever say anything more?”
“Only that he was the victim in all this. That you had no business in his Empire.”
Twilight went to the coffee table and levitated a laptop over to me.
“Maybe some more information might help.”
***
I was surprised. For a pony with only a few days’ contact with computers, the whole presentation was better than it should have been. Still, even with the subject matter being shown, I couldn’t help but giggle at each bad choice of font or color scheme.
Twilight hit the next button on her PowerPoint presentation. This page started with a crude drawing of Sombra, standing on some balcony with a crown and red cape. A pink autograph on the side let me know it was Pinkie Pie that was the hired artist, using the medium known as Microsoft Paint.
At the top, block letters in a red font read: “King Sombra: Tyrant of the Crystal Empire.” Below that was a list of facts encased in jagged bubbles, as if the information given needed more emphasis than it already had. It read:
“During his time as King, Sombra enslaved thousands and worked hundreds to death.
“Any uprising was destroyed and those involved executed.
“Writings found in his personal care indicated he would have taken over much of Equestria if given the opportunity.
“He likes crystals and stairs.”
The presentation took close to forty-five minutes and by the end of it I knew practically everything there was to know about the couch-potato living in my house. A lot of it I knew from before, when Sombra would start a monologue and refused to shut up, so I wasn’t completely naïve to the details. Only now was it clear how much of it wasn’t merely for show. Only now, when viewed from a different perspective, did it hit home how terrible he’d been in his world.
“He was a little pony Hitler, wasn’t he?” I mumbled.
Twilight took the laptop away. “I’m not sure who that is, but at least now you understand where we’re coming from. Given his history, he deserves worse than what he’s getting. The only problem is that he never chose to be sent here and live again. It would feel… wrong, somehow, to punish him before he’s done anything else. So that’s why he’ll be reformed once returned.”
I was still so uncomfortable with all this. “What do you mean by ‘reformed?’”
“What we mean is that he’ll undergo a procedure that should wipe away all his villainous tendencies and leave us with a regular pony in his place.”
“That sounds highly invasive. And a little sickening, really.”
Twilight cocked a brow. “You don’t think what Sombra did to his own subjects was sickening?”
She had me there. “Has this worked before? On other ‘villains’ of Equestria?”
At that, she perked up. “Good question! And I brought these pictures just in case.” She levitated a glossy piece of paper over. “Here’s Discord, before his arrival into the world of friendship.”
I took a look at the picture and felt the contents of my stomach rise. My jaw quivered from the sight. “Oh, god! What did you do to that thing? It’s in pieces and like… inside out! Oh, god, that’s disgusting! It should be shot and put out of its misery! You ponies are terrible! What did you do? Blow it up and sew it back together?”
Twilight took the picture away and glanced at it. “What do you mean? This is Discord before he was reformed. Here’s what he looks like now.”
She passed me another picture and I reluctantly looked. It was nearly identical to the previous one—a creature of odd stature, numerous limbs, and wild eyes floating in mid-air, only in this one was he donning a bowtie.
I handed it back. “Doesn’t seem all that different.”
Twilight nodded. “True. It’s hard to show a change that happens on the inside, but you need to trust us when we say we mean Sombra no harm. He could even be happy, once everything is said and done.”
I exhaled and put my head on a hand. “And what if I told you he’s happy right now? He likes not ruling over ponies. He enjoys sitting around all day. I’ve told you this before and I’ll say it again: there’s nothing to fear from him any longer. Now he’s basically a lazy, talking dog.”
Twilight put a hoof on my knee. “Steve, he can’t stay in the human world. If he was found, it would be disastrous for everyone involved.” She paused. “And is he truly your friend, Steve, or does it only seem that way? Sombra is a master manipulator. If he wanted to take your home from you by force, he would. He only needs you around to take care of him. Is that really what you want in life? Remember, he’s immortal . He’ll never go away as long as you live.”
I couldn’t meet her eyes.
Was Sombra my friend? Some days he was. Others not. That still didn’t alleviate a thing.
“He would be crushed if I gave him over to you.”
She shook her head. “It doesn’t matter what he feels. What do you feel? Don’t you want your old life back, no more hiding in the shadows with a brooding pony all day? And what do you think he’d do if the situation was reversed? You think he’d care at all if you were taken away? I’m sorry to tell you this, Steve, but Sombra probably views you as a slave. So for as long as you’re still useful, he’ll try his best to keep you around.”
So much of what she said made sense. A lot of it I could not deny. My and Sombra’s relationship had always been give and take. I’d give him food and he’d take it. Truly, I’d consider a majority of the past seven months close to terrible, yet that didn’t stop those small moments of warmth from seeping through.
Just the other day, he’d opened up and told me what he feared most.
Just the other day, I got to scratch him behind the ears and didn’t need to drive myself to the ER.
Just the other day, he told me that he trusted me with his life.
Or had all of that been nothing more than simple manipulation?
For a very long time, I sat in my chair as seven sets of eyes regarded me wearily. Eventually, I turned back to Twilight.
“Tell me what you need me to do.”
Sombra The Highly Unmotivated
By the time I entered my condo and set my keys on the hook, Sombra had already cornered me, his odd pony features stuck in a frown.
He said coldly, “Steve, you left me here all day long knowing full well I could have been attacked. I’ll have you know I skipped my after-meal nap because of you. How can you possibly live with yourself?”
I sighed and readjusted the grip on my bags. “I had to work, Sombra. I told you that on the phone.”
I tried to enter the living room, but he blocked me. “You still should have been back hours ago. I thought something might…” He glanced down. “I thought something might have happened to you; that those ponies might have gotten to you while you were out.”
With my leg, I scooted him to the side and set my bags on the coffee table. I said casually, “Almost sounds as if my pet pony actually cares about me. But that couldn’t be, could it? He’s a dick.”
Sombra’s original frown came back. “That’s not what I was referring to, Steve. And I am not your pet. If anything, you are mine. My only concern was whether food would be coming or if I’d need to try cooking again.”
I sat on my side of the couch and crossed a leg. “Well, the condo’s not on fire, so I guess you didn’t. How you burnt water that one time, I still have no idea.”
“That’s because I was using unicorn magic. And I was trying to turn it into some of the wine from my old kingdom.”
I kept the religious jokes to myself.
I patted the couch. “We need to talk.”
“You’re damn right we do!” he trumpeted, taking a seat beside me. “We don’t have much time. We need to strike at them before they begin their attack. I know it was only that lone mare the other day, but I can’t imagine her leaving out her other cohorts in laying my carcass to waste.”
“About that.” I rubbed my hands anxiously. “You see, I actually got a call from Twilight today. And then I spoke with them in person. All seven of them.”
Sombra’s pupils shrunk as he stood up on the couch. He tried pacing back and forth, only managing a single step in either direction. “What!? And for some reason you decided not to inform me of such details? Is your head on straight, you fool? We can continue our witty banter anytime ! Not when those psychotic mares have spoken to you!”
I pulled on his leg until he sat down. “Look, it’s all right. We spoke and that’s all that happened.”
Sombra’s eyes went from the curtained window to the door. “How do I know they’re not outside right now? How do I know they didn’t follow you back with a net on a stick, along with another stick, to try and trap me?”
I looked at the window, even if I knew no pony lay in wait. “Why would they need an extra stick?”
“To poke me with, obviously. Those mares…” He growled. “They’re sick, I tell you. Twisted and vile and deranged.”
“They were actually kind of cute, Sombra. Perhaps a little too bright, but I guess anything might seem pretty bright compared to your black on gray color scheme.”
Sombra scoffed. “My coat and mane are the best that you could hope to find. Black goes with everything. Everyone knows that.”
I faked surprise. “Is that why you won’t leave my couch? Because you’re a perfect match?”
He put his hoof to my mouth. “Enough talk, Steve. You said seven of them. That purple mare only had five friends the last time I saw her and I highly doubt Celestia had enough bits to pay another poor pony to be Twilight’s friend for a lifetime. Was it…” He gulped. “Was there another alicorn with them?”
I flicked his dirty hoof away. “Yes. A big one, too.”
Sombra edged his butt to the corner of the couch, wrapping his tail around him. “A big blue one or a big white one?”
“Blue. Named Luna. Is that better news or worse news?”
Sombra contemplated. “I don’t know. But I don’t like it. Any alicorns here at all scares me.”
“You said you wanted to kill them. Where’d all that talk go?”
“Well, of course I still do, Steve!” he shot back. “It’s… I’m just not ready yet. They didn’t give me fair warning.” He bared his fangs. “But if they wish to die, then so be it! I’ll rip out their throats and roll in their blood. I will not go down without a fight.”
I placed both legs on the table and put my hands behind my head. “As much as I’d love to see you get your sorry ass beaten by a group of colorful mares, I actually have some good news for you.”
He looked at me curiously. “What?”
“They left. All of them did. We talked and we talked and in the end they agreed you could stay here, as long as you remained out of sight and didn’t cause trouble.”
Slowly, Sombra retreated from his corner of the couch. “How? I don’t understand, Steve. They came all this way for me and now you’re telling me they just left without me? That sounds too good to be true.”
I grinned. “I might have had to embellish a few facts about you to get them to understand the situation better.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, I told them you didn’t want to rule over anyone anymore.”
“I rule over you , Steve,” he corrected.
“All right. I also told them you’d gotten fat and lazy, and weren’t all that much a threat. That you’d basically become a pony that refuses to leave the couch.”
“Blasphemy! ” he shouted. “Lies and slander, Steve! I am so still a threat. To everyone. And so what if I like this couch? It’s soft and dependable. Qualities I wish more things in my life had.”
“To get them to go, I had to tell them stuff like that. I wasn’t meaning to damage your character, Sombra. You’ve been doing that just fine on your own, I think.”
He opened his mouth to say more, but hesitated. Eventually, he asked, “So, they’re really gone?”
I nodded. “Yes. In a blast of white light and everything.”
Sombra leapt off the couch and jumped up and down in front of the TV, giggling childishly. “I knew I could outsmart those stupid mares! They thought they could best a King? Ha! Run back home with your tail tucked between your legs!”
I rolled my eyes. “I might have helped, too, you know.”
Sombra stopped his silly little prance. His grin left his face as he came up to me, setting a hoof on my leg. He viewed the floor again. “Thank you, Steve. You are a good friend.”
I wanted to rebut what he’d said. Make light of it and tell the dark King he was going soft—compare him to the mares he’d become so afraid of. I was more than sure he’d respond with something about my luck with the ladies and I’m sure we’d both get a chuckle out of it. Only this time I kept my mouth shut and took his statement to heart. I found I could hardly look at him at the time.
I patted his leg. “You’re welcome, Sombra.”
It would only be a few hours more until it’d be over.
***
It didn’t take long before most of Sombra’s muzzle was coated with grease and bits of cheese. Once I’d explained to him that the threat had vanished, I pulled out the two boxes of pizza I’d picked up on the way home.
For the briefest of moments, he glanced at the box nervously. “I thought this was only a Friday thing?”
I opened both boxes on the table. “It’s a celebration, Sombra. Let’s leave it at that.”
It didn’t take long for the pony’s stomach to overpower his thoughts. A reddish aura grabbed at the closest slice and in the blink of an eye it was gone, mashed to bits between his teeth.
It might be a long while until his next pizza, I thought gloomily.
My own pizza I put on a plate before I turned on the TV. I turned to the chewing monstrosity. “I want to show you the last episode of Breaking Bad . You all right with that?”
With a leg, he wiped at his mouth. “I thought we still had a few more tales to go before then, Steve?”
I started the last episode anyways. “Just humor me. I only want you to see the ending.” I decided I couldn’t leave it at that. “I’m curious what you’ll think.”
I started the episode and finished my couple of slices. Sombra closed his box and glanced at the rest of mine. I nudged it over to him and the munching continued. While the show started, I filled him in on what’d happened, including the death of his favorite character Mineral Man. His grief was short lived though, as I informed him he eventually found his minerals before passing on.
It took close to ten minutes to get up the nerve to say what was on my mind, but it was a topic I needed to address. For my own sake, I thought.
“You’re not a very good pony, are you?”
Sombra pried his eyes from the screen. “What do you mean?”
“I mean that you’ve done a lot of bad things to ponies. Hurting them and killing them. It’s true, isn’t it?”
The pony narrowed his eyes. “Did those mares tell you that?”
“They did,” I answered calmly. “About your Empire and your slaves. About your decades of torment.”
He looked at me sourly. “And what of it?”
I put out a hand. “You don’t feel bad about any of that? All those poor ponies you hurt?”
“They had it coming.”
“No, they didn’t.”
“If I hadn’t have done it, someone else would’ve.”
I grabbed onto his shoulder. “Don’t joke this aside, Sombra. What you did in your own world was terrible and unforgivable. Do you honestly not feel the least bit sorry about what you did?”
With two hooves, he took my hand and placed it aside. He answered slowly, “I might regret a few of the things I did, yes, but I’m still proud of my accomplishments. When one is given such power over others, and when misery and death become a daily way of life, it’s easy to lose track of one’s morality. I think, since being away from it, I’ve come to understand it more.”
“That doesn’t sound like much of an apology.”
“That’s because it isn’t,” he responded sharply. “And I won’t be giving one.”
I changed directions. “When you go back to Equestria—if you go back—what would you do? Enslave again? Conquer again?”
Sombra thought for a moment. “No. I don’t think so. A job with less responsibility, perhaps. Something simple, like couch sales-pony. I know couches very well.”
I didn’t disagree.
I watched the TV again. “You know, those mares wanted to help you, Sombra. It was never their intention to hurt you or blow you up.”
“I wouldn’t have believed a word they said.”
“They told me they wanted to befriend you. Show you a life of happiness and joy and all that crap.”
Sombra grimaced. “I’m happy enough right here. Plus, I’ve already got one idiot to contend with, why would I want another seven of them?”
I could tell he was trying to insult me into ceasing my line of questioning. Thankfully, I was almost done.
“So you would be happy spending the next hundred years on my couch?”
He yawned. “As long as the image machine doesn’t break down.”
“No Empires? No pony pals? No sunshine and rainbows?”
“If I wanted any of that, I’d look out the window.”
I let the conversation go and went back to the TV. He wasn’t making what was to come any less hard. Or easy.
***
The final episode ended and I flipped it to some listless game show. I knew during the days, Sombra would go back and forth between channels, searching for any Family Feud episode he could find. He’d yell at the TV his guesses, pouting each time they weren’t accepted. Sombra’s sense of humor must have been removed as a child, not laughing at a single comment from the host.
Finally, I turned to him. “What did you think?”
“I think something’s wrong with that human’s mane. It’s missing.”
I sighed. “No. Not that. I mean with the last episode of Breaking Bad .”
He brought a hoof to his chin. “It was good. It ended well. But I thought that that bald man should have remained as he was, conquering and destroying all that opposed him.”
“I think he was looking for redemption, Sombra, to get a piece of his old soul back. He knew he’d turned into something he didn’t want to be anymore, so at the very end he changed, even if he knew it would likely lead to his death.”
Sombra grinned at me. “Is that what you believe will happen to me, Steve? Redemption? If I spend enough time around a normal, everyday human then sooner or later I’ll shed myself of all nastiness?”
I pointed a finger at him. “I think it’s already happened, Som-bro.”
“I only said that because I had to.”
I smiled. “Sure. Whatever you say.” I got off the couch and went to the kitchen, opening the fridge. “You want a beer?”
He turned his head to me, cocking a brow. “I thought beer was bad for ponies, Steve.”
“Well, as far as I can see, there’s two ways to get you to leave this place. Either I shove your sleeping body back through the toaster, or I slowly kill you with bad human food. So far, my money’s on you eating yourself to death.”
He flashed his fangs and clapped his hooves together mockingly. “Another fat joke, Steve, well done! You truly are the funniest human I’ve ever met! Oh, wait, you’re the only one.” He stopped clapping. “Fine. I’ll take one.”
I brought out two beers along with two glasses from the shelf. I opened one and poured, retrieving the small vial Twilight had given me from my pocket. It was emerald green with a cork at the top. I popped it off and quickly ran it under my nose. It smelled like nothing at all.
The contents of the vial went into the glass and disappeared into the beer. I didn’t even need to stir. Magic , I reminded myself. Don’t think about it: magic did it!
Returning to the couch, I set both down and Sombra grabbed hold of his with his horn. He drank deep and sighed contently, a thick foam mustache on his face. “We should drink more often, Steve. I rarely went a day without drinking myself to sleep in my Empire.”
I took a small pull from mine. “Living with a fat pony, I can handle. Living with an alcoholic one with magical powers? Not gonna happen. This is a treat. You’ve been stressed lately and so have I. So enjoy it, pony-boy, and drink up.”
Sombra did just that, grinning as bits of beer fell from his lips. Halfway finished his glass, his eyes took on a hazy look and he blinked sluggishly. He watched the TV with his head tilted to one side.
He said quietly, “You know, while you were gone today, I spent some time on your laptop.”
“Don’t remind me. I’ll throw it out in the morning.”
He snickered. “I didn’t do anything bad, Steve. I only tinkered a bit to keep myself from thinking about those mares.” He hesitated, before adding, “You used the term ‘petting’ a few days ago. I looked it up and found humans sometimes pet things to alleviate stress.” He gingerly glanced in my direction. “You don’t have to, you know… but since you said you’ve been stressed recently…”
I put the poor pony out of his misery and placed my free hand atop his head. I scratched at his mane and he shut his eyes contently, giggling in that odd deep voice of his.
After a while, I asked, “How bout this?”
I hooked a few fingers under his chin and his eyes went to the back of his head.
“By the gods!” he exclaimed, his tongue lolling out his gaping jaw.
And to think, his slaves could’ve taken back their city in mere seconds if they’d only had fingers.
Fearing wayward drool, I took my hand away and ran my hand across the back of his head. By that point, his eyes had almost closed and he was wavering from side to side.
“I’m sorry, Sombra,” I told him.
He could hardly keep his eyes open. “For what?”
“Just know that I’m sorry. And that everything will be all right.”
Sombra’s eyes shut and he fell to the back of the couch, snoring soon afterwards. I stood and watched the small pony for a bit. It would be the last time I’d see him sleeping on my couch and I found I was torn. I could’ve loaded him up in the car and driven him to Canada, just like he’d asked, but all that would’ve done is stall the outcome that’d always been on its way.
I found I had to remind myself of what he’d done. He might have been my friend, but he was something much worse, as well: a small monster that held not a hint of remorse.
I picked him up and hoped it would all be over soon.
***
Carrying Sombra was hard. He was heavy and his thin legs and wide torso made getting a hold on him difficult. After nearly dropping him to the grass a couple times, I hooked him over my shoulders while both hands held onto his legs.
I entered the thick of the forest a half-mile away from my condo complex and found Twilight and her friends waiting in a circle. A faint glow from the mare’s horn illuminated the small clearing just enough to see and not be noticed.
Luna stepped towards me. “You are late, Stove. You have kept us waiting far too long.”
The other six mares glared at her.
Luna pursed her lips. “I mean, thank you for coming, Stove.”
The glares continued.
Luna exhaled sharply. “I mean, thank you, Stttteeeeepppphhhhhggghhh.” Bits of spittle flew from her mouth.
I said, “Here he is, asleep and sound. Do what you need to do and then go. I feel bad enough already.”
I set Sombra down in the center of the seven, one of his legs peacefully grasping at the air.
Twilight stood beside me. “I know it must have been hard, Steve, but you made the right decision. In time, I’m sure Sombra will understand why you did what you did. We will help him as best we can. He’ll be safe with us.”
I nodded, finding not much else to add. I dug my hands into my pockets, watching the rest of them.
Rarity gave the unconscious King a poke. “He seems… bigger than before. Or am I only not remembering that right?”
Rainbow Dash hovered near her head. “Nah, you’re right. Sombra got fat while he’s been here.” She turned to me. “What’ve you been feeding him?”
“Human food, mostly. Junk food. Pizza. Things with cheese.”
Now Rainbow Dash poked at him. “Huh. Well, I think you overfed him.”
Twilight turned to them. “That’s not nice, guys. Sombra’s in a bad state right now, but when we get back to Equestria we’ll start him on a friendship diet. It might take some adjusting, but I’m sure he’ll come to love lettuce and fruits again just as much as pizza and chips.”
I took a moment to look at each of them in turn, curious which one would have the guts to deny Sombra his snacks. That one might not live to see the end of the week.
The cool wind ruffled against my shirt. “Can we finish this, please? I just want to wash my hands of all this nonsense.”
Luna nodded. “I agree with the human. Let this quest come to its rightful conclusion forthwith.”
Twilight went back to the circle. “Fine. Everyone ready? Let’s form the bond again and I’ll—”
“Huh… what…”
Sombra lifted his head from the grass sleepily, eyes struggling to open. He stared at Twilight’s surprised face for ten whole seconds before springing to his hooves, screaming out in shock.
“You!” he yelled. “I knew you weren’t done with me!” He quickly spun to growl at the rest. “Mares. All of you stupid mares will pay in blood. I’ll eat your—”
His eyes came to mine and his original wrath dropped. What replaced it was confusion, his ears flattened against his head.
“Steve? What are you…” he started. “What am I even doing out here? How did I get here?”
I roughly turned Twilight’s head to face me. “You said that potion would knock him out for hours. It’s been less than twenty minutes.”
She grimaced. “Well, I might not have taken into account the excess weight. His system must’ve burned through it a lot faster than I thought.”
Sombra scowled at me. “You traitorous bastard! How could you? How could you, Steve?” He hitched in a breath and tried flashing his fangs. It was shortly lived, as the anguish was evident. “I trusted you, Steve. You said it was over! You said you made them leave!”
I stood and ran a hand over my mouth; my anger towards Twilight and her lackluster potion edging into my voice. “Then I lied, okay? They’re going to help you, Sombra, not hurt you like you think.”
“And you believed them? What? From a single conversation?”
“I learned more about you in that single conversation than all the time spent between us.” I thought. “You deserve this, Sombra, as much as you might not like to hear it. You deserve worse, actually, for what you’ve done.”
He walked as close to the circle of mares as he could. He told me, “But I don’t want to go, Steve. I like it here.”
“It’s too late for that. And what did you expect out of this relationship? That we’d still be insulting each other and playing video games in a hundred and twenty years?”
“Yeah, why not?”
I turned away from him and tried to calm down. I didn’t want to be apart of this anymore. I shouldn’t have had to watch him leave.
I heard Sombra dig his hooves into the dirt. “Fine, then! I don’t need you to protect me, Steve! I kill all these pesky mares and crunch their bones between my teeth. It will be a short battle, I’m—”
Pop!
Something bright flashed behind me and I spun around to find Sombra stuck inside a large pink bubble. Both of his hooves were pressed against its sides, his expression horrified.
He pleaded to me, “Steve! Steve, they’ve put me in a bubble, Steve! Help me out of the bubble, Steve! I don’t like the bubble!”
I didn’t answer him.
Sombra fumed. “I’ll kill you, Steve! I’ll find a way back and kill every last human on this stinking rock. I hate humans! Every last one of them! All they do is lie and trick! You think this bubble can hold me?”
He lit up his horn and shot red flame at the pink wall. The blast bounced back at him and he screamed, dodging a handful of times before the fire dissipated. Afterwards, he ran horn first into the bubble, each hit sending him back to the dirt.
Rarity turned to Twilight. “I don’t remember him talking this much, do you? And he hasn’t even mentioned slaves or crystals once.”
Twilight ignored her, keeping her horn directed on the barrier.
Sombra started bucking his back legs against the unyielding wall. He panted, “I am more powerful than you could possibly imagine… once free… I’ll gouge out your eyes… and…” Six kicks later, he sank back to the ground, exhausted. He waved a hoof. “Just give me a minute.”
Rarity nudged Rainbow Dash. “He’s really out of shape, isn’t he?”
“Knock it off, all right?” I spat at her, causing her to wince.
I went to the side of the shield and knelt. It was hard watching Sombra in such a state—defeated and scared, betrayed and confused. I shouldn’t have felt as bad as I did.
“I’m sorry, Sombra.”
He looked at me from the ground. “Is it because of the cat, Steve? I’m sorry about that. Really, I am. I could buy you a new one, if you’d like. And I promise we’d get along. Or maybe the rent? I could get a job. I’m sure I could find something. How much do they pay guide dogs? I’m sure I could find the strength to walk around for a few hours a day.”
I sighed. “That’s not the reason I gave you to them.”
“Is it because you hate me?”
“No. And I don’t actually hate you, Sombra, as often as I might tell you that. This’ll be good for you, I promise. You need help and they’ve promised to give it to you. And talking ponies aren’t made for this world. Same as humans in yours. In time, no matter what, you would’ve gone back.”
Sombra’s eyes watered and he said no more. I returned to the outside of the circle of mares as Twilight and Luna cast a large white wall around all eight of them. Each mare closed their eyes and levitated a few inches off the ground.
From inside the bubble, Sombra ignored the rest of them and looked up at me. “I thought you were my friend, Steve.”
“I am your friend.”
“Then why doesn’t it feel like it?”
The wash of white exploded outward and I shielded my eyes. When the dots subsided from my vision, I found myself alone, a scorched circle burnt into the grass. I looked around the small clearing for some possible mistake—perhaps for Sombra to have miraculously escaped. But no, he was gone. They all were.
It would be over two months until I’d see him again.
Author's Note
Sad chapter ending? Don't worry, here's some art! A big thank you to Charliehorse for sending it to me.
Sombra The Highly Unmotivated
In the dead of night, I heard the toaster spring to life. Confused, I rose out of bed and entered the pitch-black hall outside my bedroom. A set of glowing red and green eyes greeted me from the living room, purple smoke billowing out around the sides. That was all I could see.
“I’ve come back for you, Steve,” he told me thickly. “You thought you could be rid of me for good?”
I turned and ran for my bedroom again, wondering just how many cuts I might receive while jumping out the window. But when I turned, Sombra was already there, the glow from his haunting eyes allowing me the sight of his toothy sneer. In all my time of knowing him, I’d never seen him move so fast. He must have been a lot more motivated than before.
I was dragged back to the kitchen kicking and screaming and tossed through a large gray portal whirling and circling around my toaster. I spun through the air a half-dozen times and landed on my head on the other side. What was there was light-purple and blue. Also, shiny.
More graceful than my own entrance, Sombra exited on his hooves and closed the portal behind him. On his head he had a crown, along with a red cape on his back. He exhaled in satisfaction. “That was easy. Come along now, Steve. Let me show you around the place.”
Sombra moved ahead of me and I begrudgingly followed. Each tall wall was made of crystal and every few feet another set of burning candles lit the way. A large set of double doors opened before us and the room beyond was far larger than any room I’d ever seen. Immense crystal chandeliers hung low from the ceiling and by their light I spotted a rusty cage near a shadowy section of the room. Locked inside were Twilight and her friends, dirty and malnourished. Seated in the very center was Luna, her jaw set so tight I figured most of her teeth must be close to cracking.
I stopped in the center of the room. “What did you do?”
Sombra turned back to me, grinning wildly. He pointed a leg at everything. “I’ve won, Steve. Isn’t it obvious?”
“You’ve… won?”
He nodded. “Yes. I’ve bested my adversaries and am now once again the ruler of the Crystal Empire. The Princesses and her friends are mine to do with as I please and now so are you. Did you really think you’d be safe from me?”
“But you’ve been gone like two months. How’s that even possible?”
“I’ve been busy.” His eyes took on a glow akin to fire. He stepped towards me, causing me to retreat. “That wasn’t very nice, Steve, what you did to me. That wasn’t very nice , at all.”
I swallowed thickly, curious if I’d be housed with the other mares or given a rusty cage of my own. “I’m… sorry?”
He glared at me for a time, fangs out on display. “That’s all right. I’m sure you’ll make it up to me in time. You only have the rest of your life to do so. Come now; I’ve one last thing to show you.”
We walked to the other end of the large room and before we even neared the object in question, I could already tell what it was. Even as a poorly constructed crystal replica, I could spot my lumpy couch from a mile away.
Sombra sat in his usual spot. “Now sit, Steve. And we’ll try and pretend you never broke my heart into a million little pieces and left me a more vengeful stallion than before. Later, you will inform my personal chefs how to recreate the wonderful creation known as pizza. But for now, we will watch another episode of Badly Breaks. I’m sure you’ll find it as amusing as I.” He turned his head to the side. “If some ponies would remember their lines for once!”
For close to an hour, I watched the oddest play I’d ever seen. Sombra had made Twilight and each one of her friends act as a character from Breaking Bad , reading off cue cards held up by other prisoners. Considering Sombra didn’t have access to any scripts or real episodes, it was mostly a smattering of remembered quotes and catchphrases from the show. Luna played Skyler and Rarity played Marie, while Twilight played a very unconvincing Jesse, closing her eyes and grimacing each time she was forced to swear. Oddest of all, Applejack took on the role of Walter White, and the amount of grit she added to her performance almost made me wish to see a repeat performance.
At the very end, when a chorus of slaves hummed the closing credits theme, Sombra painfully patted my head with a hoof. “Who’s in control now, Steve?” he asked sharply.
Then he laughed and he laughed, his deep baritone chuckle reverberating off each wall.
It was a laugh of madness.
***
My therapist looked away from his clipboard, his half-spectacles resting near the tip of his nose. “And that’s it? That’s the end of the dream?”
I sprawled out along the loveseat, placing my hands behind my head. “Yes. And I’ve had it a few times before that, but always close to the same.” I sighed. “It’s weird, isn’t it?”
He tapped his pen against his papers. “Well, of course it’s weird. Most dreams are. But trying to understand what they mean is where I come in.”
“All right. So what does it mean?”
He rubbed his chin. “Do you believe your dog would want retribution for giving him away, if he could ever do such a thing?”
I chewed my tongue. “Perhaps.”
“Or maybe it’s something more than odd fear of talking dogs that’s causing these dreams? Could they perchance be due to the guilt you feel, having given him away?”
I crossed my arms. “He was dangerous, all right? He was… a very violent dog. He had to be sent away.”
“Couldn’t you have trained him to be a better dog?”
I ran a hand over my face. “What are you? An animal expert or my overpriced therapist?”
“I’m definitely your overpriced therapist, Steve, but the fact that you try to insult me from a meager suggestion proves that there is inherent guilt on your part. As much as you might wish it was as easy as giving away some nasty old dog, you still find some of the blame left on your shoulders. So, you can either try to cope with these feelings and the recurring dreams that appear to be coming with them, or you can try and fix what you’ve done.”
“How would I do that, then?” I asked bluntly. “Just go and pick him up where I dropped him off? Hope he doesn’t try and chew my face off after I apologize?”
My therapist said soothingly, “Dogs are surprisingly kind creatures, Steve.”
But what about ponies? I thought coldly. Ex-tyrannical King ponies with a love of bloody violence?
“It already feels like it might be too late for that.”
“He’s not dead, is he? You said he was donated to a group that could take care of him.”
“He was. But I’m not sure I could get him back, even if I wanted to. It might be hard. It might even be impossible.”
My therapist nodded. “But even trying, I think, will allow you to discharge your negative emotions surrounding the incident. Was he really all that bad a dog to you?”
I thought about it. “To me? I guess not. But it was what he did before that caused me to send him away. He did terrible things before he wound up in my place. So much so, others even tried to put him down.”
He wrote a few more notes. “The past will remain in the past, Steve, but it’s up to us what we want to see in the future.”
I rose from the loveseat. “Are you quoting something or are you making this up as you go along?”
He chuckled. “Steve, all good therapists are bull-shitters. That doesn’t mean we don’t know what we’re talking about. Sometimes we only like to hear ourselves talk.” He glanced at his watch. “You have thirty seconds left. Do you want to add another half-hour to our session?”
I thought of the sudden new hole in my bank account. Suddenly, Sombra's snack budget felt far more modest than before.
***
It had been sixty-two days since I watched Sombra vanish in a wash of white light, along with the seven other mares. After returning home from the forest, I went straight to bed and slept without thoughts; my mind had been spinning around in overdrive since Twilight had knocked on my door. I more than welcomed its quiet end.
When I came to, I went to the kitchen for my morning cereal and spent almost a minute just staring at the couch; the wide indent where Sombra used to sleep and basically live remained visible on the cushion. Getting it out would be hard, I thought; all the mane and fur I’d end up discovering.
I imagined my vacuum exploding from the black and grey clog and chuckled dryly, finding it did little to elevate my current mood. I’d betrayed someone who’d considered me a friend. He’d trusted me and in return I gave him away to those he hated most. His actions from his past had made my decision for me; Sombra was not meant for this world, and what he’d done during his reign more than deserved sending him back home.
As many times I’d remind myself of this, I still felt regret. No matter how much Sombra boasted about past atrocities or how plain ugly he might have been compared to the rest of his kind, I’d betrayed a little pony in their time of need. It wasn’t something that could be forgotten so easily.
Since most of my time since Sombra had arrived had been spent with him, I found more hours in the day than I knew what to do with. At night and on weekends, I’d spend my time flipping through my spell book, starting small fires in the palm of my hand. It hurt. A lot, actually. And soon I was reminded I wasn’t anywhere close to fireproof.
A month after casting aside my pony pal, I could successfully teleport from the living room to the washroom or bedroom. One evening, I even created a tiny portal near the couch that exited at the front of the fridge. No more getting up if I wanted a drink. Maybe that’s how Sombra got as fat as he did. I was starting to believe magic could make even the noblest of creatures lazy beyond compare.
During my newfound time, my girlfriend became a more permanent fixture in my home. The sight of a Sombra-less space filled her with more joy than I’d thought it would. I guess the awkward glares from a pony pretending to be a dog would start to grate on anyone’s nerves.
The first week we spent together was great. She ate up my time as well as my murky thoughts and eventually Sombra and his pony pals felt like some fever dream from the past. The second week was close to the same, but soon I found myself exhausted. She was the type that liked spontaneous romantic adventures, while I was more the type that liked movies and TV, quiet evenings and sarcastic conversation. Not many were surprised to note this was my first girlfriend in over three years.
The eighth week was when things came to a head. By her decree, videogames were the first to go. Then went my choice of TV or film. Meals became more green and meatless than I’d liked, and I found my wallet soon emptying once again, due to fancy gifts and daily dates around town.
It was clear things weren’t going to work between us.
One minor misunderstanding was all it took.
“Just what do you think you’re doing?” she asked, confusion in her eyes.
From her stare, I looked upward and found my fingers running through her hair. It seemed I’d forgotten exactly who was seated next to me on the couch.
“Scratching your head?” I squeaked out.
Her eyes narrowed. “Like a dog?”
Or some pony , I thought, but dared not say.
Soon an innocent little scratch upon the head turned to something much worse, and forty-seven sentences later, she slammed the door behind her and left my life. During our entire fight, I’d never even left my spot on the couch. It seemed I’d become as lazy as a pony.
Sighing heavily, I glanced at all the items in my home. In two months, I hadn’t watched a single episode of any of my old shows. In two months, I hadn’t played a single video game nor bought a new one, even while I’d had the cash. In two months, I ordered a single pizza, but tossed it in the trash after one slice. It all reminded me of him.
My girlfriend had lived a whole human life and developed hobbies and interests of her own. Sombra had shot out from my toaster a blank state to human customs. I had been his guide to this new world and shared my human interests with him, in a way, creating a mini-version of myself. We might have argued and we might have hated the other from time to time, but what good friends didn’t during their time together?
In the quiet of the condo, I eventually came to a conclusion.
I missed my little pony.
***
I knocked on my boss’s door and entered before he’d had a chance to look up. I figured if I sat in the visitor’s chair before I lost my nerve, I’d find myself forced to say what I was planning on saying.
He set his pen down. “What can I do you for, Steve?” He paused. “It is Steve, right? I think we have at least one other Steve and one Stephano or something or other floating around here.”
I nodded. “It’s Steve, sir. You were right.”
He waved a hand. “Oh, no formalities here, Steve. Mr. Hendricks will be fine.”
I mentally crushed his head in-between a vice grip, watching the bits of brain matter ooze out his ears. Sombra’s taste for gore must have rubbed off on me, I thought.
“All right, Mr. Hendricks.” I cleared my throat. “I need some time off. Perhaps a lot of time off.”
He steepled his fingers. “What we talking about here? A week? Two? A month?”
I honestly didn’t know. “One of those, I’m sure.”
He chuckled to himself. “I like you, Steve.”
“Thirty-seconds ago you didn’t even know my name was Steve.”
“But now I do! And am I ever glad you came to see me today.” He smiled at me, his eyes not matching his smirk. “Time is valuable here, Steve. Every day we make calls and every day more and more of those calls are being ignored. Just between you and me, we’ll be out of business in less than a few years, if not sooner !”
He chuckled again, in that way that bosses do when they think they’ve said something funny.
“So what happens when you’re not around to make those calls, Steve?”
I shrugged. “You get someone to fill in while I’m gone?”
He slapped his hand on the desk. “Nope! You think I’m gonna spend money training someone new, just to throw them away once I get you back?”
I was beginning to understand where this was going. Thankfully, having just lost my pet pony along with my girlfriend in a series of months, I thought, What better way to add to my collage of misery than by losing my job to boot ?
“I have a feeling you’re about to deny me any vacation time. Am I correct in thinking that, Mr. Hendricks?”
He smiled at me again. “I knew you were a smart one!”
If I was going to hit rock bottom, I might as well have a little fun while doing so.
I asked calmly, “Can I at least explain to you why I need this time off?”
He glanced at his watch. “Sure. I’ll give you sixty seconds. Then I got a prior engagement with a toilet and the funny pages.”
I don’t think I’m going to miss working here all that much , I thought, before speaking very, very candidly.
I told him, “Seven months ago a portal formed around my toaster. What shot out from that portal was a three-and-a-half foot tall black and grey pony named King Sombra. He was in charge of an empire in a land of ponies called Equestria. Only problem was that he was a bad ruler. Slaves. Death. Misery. Let’s just say, he was kind of a dick over there.”
I leaned back in my visitor’s chair, the expression on Mr. Hendricks’ face enough to sweeten the blackest of morning coffees. It was almost as if his smarmy grin was melting like candle wax.
“Seven months later, Sombra becomes lazy. Unmotivated, even. Each time I try to kick him out of the house, he guilt trips me into letting him stay. Then, a little over two months ago, a whole plethora of colorful mares arrives at my door and demands that I hand him over. They want to become his friend, they tell me. Because that’s what ponies in Equestria do , I guess. They make friends with everyone, or some hippy crap like that.”
I leaned forward in my chair, causing my boss to recoil.
I opened my eyes wide. “What does all thi s have to do with time off, you ask? Well, I’ll tell you! Using a spell book I bought off eBay, I plan to travel to Equestria to get my moody little friend back. Will I succeed? Who knows! Will I be stuck in what I assume will be the physical equivalent of a never-ending acid trip for all eternity? Maybe so, Mr. Hendricks! Maybe so!”
I stood up and placed both hands on his desk. My boss’s mouth hung ajar, his unfunny Family Circus comic strip momentarily pushed from his thoughts.
“But the one thing you should remember is that if I come back and if I should bring with me my little unicorn buddy, is that if I told him to, he would cave your head in like a rotten pumpkin. And all I’d need to give him in return is some chips. Maybe some dip on the side.”
My breathing became heavy, my brow moist. When you had very little left to lose, it was amazing how soon the opinions of others went down the drain. Especially types like him.
In the silence of the room, Mr. Hendricks’ noisy wall clock ticked on; another co-worker popped in and asked a question, only to be met by a wall of silence. Once he left, Hendricks slowly left his chair and rubbed both eyes with his hands.
He regarded me for a time. “Well,” he started slowly, “I hope your time spent in rehab proves as successful as my days there were. Take it from a sober man for the last twenty years, Steve; I believe in you.”
He reached out and hugged me. I stood motionless and stiff.
He whispered, “I know how hard it may seem to shake that purple and green dragon off your back once it gets its claws into you, but with enough moral gumption, I’m sure you’ll pull through. And just know that your job will be waiting for you when you get back.”
He let me go and returned to his chair. I remained standing, perplexed.
Mr. Hendricks chuckled again. “Equestria. What a great term for it.” He looked at me. “I know my time spent in Equestria was more hellish than most. I hope your trek through that mysterious jungle proves easier than my own, Steve. Good luck.”
Without another word, I left, feeling more bemused than when I originally stepped inside that office. It seemed I couldn’t even get fired if I’d wanted to.
***
That night, I packed a bag with any supplies I thought I might need and quickly discovered I actually had no idea what was waiting for me on the other side. All I knew was I was looking for a pony—the most hated one in all of Equestrian existence—in a bid to return him to my world. My self-imposed mission seemed less and less tempting the more I thought about it. There was a lot that could happen.
I could be sent away the moment I get there.
I could find Sombra dead, one too many insults given to that grumpy blue mare.
I could even find a pony I don’t recognize anymore. Befriended and added back into the Equestrian fold, happy and content, sunshine and rainbows shooting out from his behind.
I also could be torn into a thousand little pieces while getting there, spinning and swirling for all eternity in the portal from my toaster.
It was all a lot to think about. Largest of all was which sweatshirt to wear. The red or the blue? The black and white striped? I thought the more colors the better, exploring such a colorful new world.
Deep in my thoughts, I heard my toaster go off and soon the faint aroma of burnt English muffin wafted down the hall. I pinched myself, fearing I was dreaming again, only to find I was very much awake.
Stuck in the toaster was a note, blackened around the edges. I burned the tips of my fingers pulling it out, unsure of what it meant. Only two words filled the page’s space, written in shaky black font.
It read: “HELP ME”.
Author's Note
If only I could add a "Bro-mance" tag to this story. Maybe I'll suggest it.
Sombra The Highly Unmotivated
A cold chill crept up my spine as I set the note back on the counter. I’d planned to leave in a day or two once I’d packed and prepared and laid out a highly detailed list of instructions should I never come back. Simple things, truthfully. Sell my junk. Donate what didn’t sell. Leave my computer alone. Only now did an overwhelming sense of urgency pull at me.
Someone had sent me a message of help. Had it somehow been Sombra? Or had my dreams been correct in some fashion—Sombra regaining control of the Crystal Empire and changing it as he saw fit?
Both possibilities seemed equally hard to believe.
The Sombra that had left my home two months ago could hardly go to the kitchen and back without needing a breather. Maybe Twilight’s friendship diet had worked all too well and she’d become the catalyst for her own world’s destruction.
Or perhaps I was over-thinking all this.
I gathered my small bag of supplies and stood before the lukewarm toaster. Flipping to the incantation I’d used before to send my mug through the void, I read it aloud (only flubbing a single word this time) and watched the same swirling vortex from my dreams come to life.
The force from the portal tugged at my shirt and skin and soon grew to half my size. I wished my condo well and then leapt through, immediately forming a ball, covering my face and my groin. If some floating portal debris should decide to crash into me, I figured I should be prepared.
I’d like to describe in detail what happened while I traveled through that mystical barrier between worlds—speak eloquently about the various colors and sights and sounds that slowly formed and changed as I went from Earth to Equestria. But truth be told, I spent most of that time with my eyes closed, cursing Sombra along with his punchable-yet-adorable little face.
Our relationship had become very complicated over time.
A blast of fresh air and light caused me to open my eyes. I saw blue sky and white fluffy clouds, so picturesque it seemed almost drawn. I looked down and started screaming at once, finally removing the hand covering my groin to flail uselessly in the wind.
I left the portal a good forty feet above the ground. What lay below me looked like the brown roof of some small tree house, a small balcony and set of stairs connected at its sides.
In that small amount of time before hitting the first branch atop the tree, I cursed many things: gravity, Sombra, trees, Sombra, myself, ponies in general, Sombra, and then I cursed the pain in my chest as I clumsily tried to grab hold of a branch, instead colliding directly into it.
“Uff!” I exhaled sharply, before continuing my trip down. Butt-first, I landed atop the roof, bits of shingles and wood falling to the floor below. My legs and upper half remained outside, horribly wedged in the hole I’d created. My small bag followed close behind, striking me on the head. I was off to a rocky start.
“What in Equestria could that be?” a small southern voice from below me asked.
“I don’t know. It’s all blue and round. It almost looks like some kind of fabric,” an even more adorable and somewhat squeaky voice said from the room below.
I tried wiggling my rump from the newly created hole only to find it painfully stuck in place. Reaching out, I loosely grabbed at the edge of the roof, straining to get out.
“Now it’s moving! Quick, let’s figure out what it is. We might even get our cutie marks in roof repair out of this!”
The third voice was the lowest and raspiest, though it wasn’t saying much. Right under my butt was a room filled with three little ponies—if I’d have to wager, far smaller ponies than the ones I’d tangoed with on Earth. I don’t think the human heart was made for such an obscene amount of cuteness.
“Ow!”
Something poked me from below—what felt like the handle of a broom.
“It talks, too!” the southern one exclaimed.
They nudged me again, giving me enough momentum to grab hold of the side of the house. One shove later, I toppled over the edge and landed on the railing with my shoulder. It hurt, but not as bad as I’d thought it would. Maybe pain and injury worked differently in this world.
“Argh,” I grunted, releasing my inner most Charlie Brown.
I heard a series of hooves gallop in my direction.
“You all right, mister?”
I peeled open an eye and closed it immediately. My hand went to my chest as my heart lurched in all directions. My other hand went to my jaw, where I felt each one of my teeth experience the sudden pain of a hundred cavities. Tears trickled down my cheeks.
One look did me in. Three small fillies with eyes close to the size of their heads, peering at me with genuine concern. I noted a bow and freckles on one and a stylized mane on another. That had been enough to drown each one of my senses with a barrage worth of “cute.” It was like a shot of sugar injected into my veins, racing towards my heart. I really hoped this was the smallest ponies came, otherwise Equestria might be organizing its first human funeral. Then I wondered who’d even attend.
“I think he might be hurt,” the squeaky one said. “Maybe I should go get my sister.”
“Don’t do that!” the tomboyish one interjected. “This might be our chance at getting real nurse cutie marks. I heard about a potion made with leaves and berries that cures every cold.”
“But I don’t think he even has a cold, Scootaloo. I think he’s in pain because he fell outta the sky, although he could still have a cold on top of that.”
I kept my eyes closed and held out a hand. “Stop talking. Please, stop talking. For the love of God, please stop talking.”
“Who’s God?” asked the southern one.
I sighed. “We’re not going to go there, all right? But please… no more words…”
When my heart settled down, I sat up against their little house. I kept my eyes closed. “All right, here’s what we’ll do. The sight of all three of you at once just might kill me, so let’s try this one by one. Scootaloo, you sound…” what? The least cute? I was actually about to say that? I was pretty sure if one of them started to cry, my heart would explode and I’d end up scarring them for life. I thought for a moment. “The one called Scootaloo, just stand away from the other two for a moment.”
I heard her approach and carefully opened one eye. My heart slowed for a moment, but quickly returned to normal. Scootaloo ended up being a small pegasus fitted with even smaller wings. Having known me for all of thirty seconds and still trusting me enough to approach, I heavily doubted the concept of “stranger danger” actually existed in their world.
I waved her aside. “Okay, now the bow one.”
She came to stand next to her friend. “My name’s Apple Bloom, just so you know.”
It was clear she was a relation of Applejack’s. With luck, I wouldn’t see Twilight or any of her friends while I was here.
My heart seized again. I’m guessing because of the bow.
Eventually, I nodded. “Good to know. Last one.”
I turned and looked at the one I’d been dreading most—the unicorn filly that might have literally been made from powdered sugar. By her humongous eyes, she looked more than excited to meet me.
She shouted, “And my name’s—”
I put a finger to her mouth. The sight of the adorable monstrosity was one thing—adding her voice overtop, I might as well begin a new quest while in town. Placeholder title: “Steve’s Arduous Trek to Find Insulin Whilst in Equestria.”
The unicorn filly frowned with an elastic mouth, causing a single tear to drip from my eye. Without knowing it, these tiny ponies were tearing me apart from the inside out. I almost wished Sombra was there to balance out the horribly skewed ugly/cute ratio.
When my body became accustom to the high sweetness levels and names were sorted out, I stood and rubbed at my shoulder. I said to Sweetie Belle, “Stop being so damn cute. You’re going to kill someone someday.”
She glanced away. “You think I’m cute?”
Sensing a possible murder/suicide on the horizon, I gathered my bag and strolled down the stairs. Once on the greenest grass I’d ever seen, I found a dirt road near by. In the few meters it took to get there, I became curious of my own plans. I could walk up the road, but to where, exactly? How exactly was I to find Sombra in a whole world full of other ponies? Hadn’t the whole idea been to remain as incognito as possible while here? Wasn’t I already failing at that miserably?
I stopped in the center of the road. Three sets of small hooves close behind me told me my heart hadn’t been punished enough that day.
***
All three of them sat in the dirt in utter disbelief. Their eyes were much wider than before, every mouth set to a pout. It was a known technique Sombra had used many times before. It seemed being a manipulative jerk was an inherent trait of all ponies.
If you see a lip quiver, you need to run , I reminded myself, fearing the burst of blood that would likely speckle across their colorful coats as my heart exploded in my chest.
Apple Bloom stepped away from the two. “Whaddaya mean, you don’t wanna? Why wouldn’t you, Steve?”
I shouldn’t have told them my name. It’s never sounded this plain delightful before.
I sighed and ran a hand through my hair. “How can I make this any clearer? I have no interest in hanging out for the day, including, but not limited to: picnics, swimming, hiking, cutie mark gathering, tennis, tea time, imagination time, cape creation time or any sort of time. I’ve got other things to get to today.”
She stared at me bewildered. “You mean… you don’t even want to meet some other ponies? Like my family, maybe? Or take a trip into town for the day? I’m sure a lot of ponies would be darn excited to meet you.”
For some reason, it sounded as if this wasn’t the first time she’d said something along these lines. “Have other humans been here before? You’re all taking my being here rather well.”
“Well, of course you’re not the first human that’s visited, Steve! A lot of them pass by from time to time. Most just love meeting other ponies.”
This was all so weird. The fact that I wasn’t the first human in Equestria. Did that mean other ponies could be hanging around on Earth, shot out from some poor soul’s short-circuiting blender? A better question, I thought, was if there might be more worlds than just Earth and Equestria.
I knelt down to them. “I’m good. Honestly, I am. The less ponies see me, the better. I’m trying to keep a low profile while I’m here.”
Scootaloo came up beside Sweetie Belle. “You think maybe you were sent here to go on some kind of adventure, Steve?”
“Nope. I was sent here by myself for the shortest amount of time possible. And only to rescue a friend—if he’s still alive, that is. Or if he still wants to be my friend at all.”
Sweetie Belle perked up and jumped. “A friendship problem? I know who would be perfect with that! Rarity and the Elements! Let’s go and get them, Steve!”
Before she’d had a chance to scramble away, I tugged on her tail to stop her. Unaware of pony culture, I was unsure if this was considered highly inappropriate.
I pointed a finger at each of them. “Nope, nope, nope, nope. Nope to infinity. I’m not being coerced into meeting anyone. This is going to be a one man show, all right? As soon as I find Sombra, I’m gone. Hopefully, that means by the end of today.”
“Sombra?” Sweetie Belle chimed in. “Oh, I remember him! My sister and her friends brought him back here awhile ago. I was even around when they got back. They were carrying this dark pony in a pink bubble across town.”
“That would be the guy. How’d he seem?”
She dug a hoof into the dirt. “Mad. Mad about a lot of stuff, by the sounds of it. He was complaining about everything . How the bubble was too hard. How the sun hurt his eyes. How he was hungry and sleepy at the same time, but didn’t know if he wanted to sleep or eat first.”
I nodded, grinning from the image. “Sounds like he might have been trying to annoy his way back to Earth. Or into an early grave.”
Sweetie Belle grimaced. “He was also saying a lot of mean things to everyone he could. My sister. Twilight. Luna. He even yelled at some ponies just eating ice cream on a bench.” She hesitated before adding, “That was when Luna might have dropped his bubble on the ground and rolled him the rest of the way. By the sounds of it, he didn’t like that very much, either.”
I snorted. Sombra was my friend, but he still deserved a little something for the way he’d behaved. Also, the thought of him stuck inside a rolling hamster ball was just plain rib-tickling.
“Any idea where they took him?”
All three fillies pointed over my head. I turned and scanned up the winding path, crisscrossing along a hill until it ended at the entrance of some dull gray building. Even from that distance, I could see the thick bars along the windows. Overhead hung a mass of black clouds, leaving the entire center darkened by its shadow. Yellow bolts of lightning crashed into the roof and nearby hillside.
How I missed it before, I hadn’t a clue.
I turned to them again. “Looks a little ominous. Is that a prison or something?”
Apple Bloom tilted her head. “Prison? No, silly, that’s the newly created Rehabilitation Center for Wayward Ponies.”
I cocked a brow. “How long has it been around?”
“A few months ago it wasn’t there at all, and then one morning blam! It was there!”
“So it only came to exist around the time Sombra was brought here?”
She thought. “I guess so. But as far as ponies tell me, it has a hundred percent success rate.”
I found that more than surprising. “Really? How’s that?”
“Anyone’s that gone in has never come out.”
I sighed. “I think you mean zero percent success rate.”
Apple Bloom hesitated. “I reckon you might be right.”
Reluctantly, I spun back to the blackened rehabilitation center as another bolt of lightning chipped off a bit of its exterior. I almost thought I could hear the hollering of the mad from so far away, but perhaps it was only my imagination.
I gulped. Maybe Sombra was right all along in not trusting that multicolored crime-fighting team.
I asked, “Do you know who runs that place?”
Scootaloo stood next to me. “Nope. And as far as Ponyville’s concerned, nobody ever goes in and nobody ever comes out.”
I felt my shoulders slump. “And nobody has a problem with that?”
“Just turn your head to the side, Steve,” Apple Bloom added cheerfully. “Just pretend it’s not there at all! I know that’s what I do while looking out the window in the clubhouse.”
I didn’t want to talk about it anymore. “Any chance they accept visitors?”
“I don’t know, but I doubt it.”
I grabbed hold of my bag and swung it over my shoulder. “Then we just might need to change that.”
***
When I said “we” in the hero-like statement from before, I meant it as me, myself, and I. The trio of fillies patiently waiting behind me must have thought something entirely different, as they jumped up and down in a cute little circle, yelling something about potential “visitor” cutie-marks.
Half-way up the hill, I finally told them to scram. As I heard the first of them sniffle, I ran up the hill as fast as I could. I was sure the sight of three crying fillies would find me six feet in the dirt faster than any sinister bolt of lightning would.
Like an idiot, I tried the front doors, only to find no handles to grip. I then went to one of the windows on the sides in an attempt to peer in. It was one-way glass.
I went to the back of the center so there’d be less chance of being spotted. Kneeling down, I brought my spell book out and flipped to the teleportation page. In the condo, it’d been easy. I knew what my bathroom’s and bedroom’s layouts were, so imagining where I’d end up was a breeze. The Rehabilitation Center, I hadn’t a clue.
I took a quick pull from my water bottle. “Here’s to not being sliced in half by a wall.” Then I crouched and disappeared with an audible pop.
The inside of the building was even dimmer than the shade from the cloud. Grungy black-and-white tiled floors went in all directions; thin wooden barriers divided the wide space. When I teleported in, I found myself crouched underneath a desk with a glass front. I heard the pony seated there jolt at the pop noise, but nothing more.
The pony overhead ruffled some papers, then spoke into an intercom. “Doctor to room thirty-one, please. Doctor to room thirty-one.”
From down the hall I heard approaching steps. They didn’t sound like hooves.
“Coming!” they shouted, a hint of laughter in their voice. “Always so busy, busy, busy.”
Panicked, I ducked behind a nearby vacant wheelchair until they’d passed by. I waited an extra moment and then scurried along the ground. Peeking around the corner, I found the main hall devoid of anyone. Along its stained walls were tacked motivational posters hung askew: ponies dangling from tree branches next to ones of “COMMITMENT” printed over a tidal wave. A flickering overhead light illuminated a framed poster near the end of the hall, this one of a smiling Pinkie Pie with the text: “Laughter is the best medicine! So are pills! Make sure to laugh while taking your pills!”
I shuddered. This whole place was well beyond creepy.
On the adjacent wall, I spotted a directory. Across from me was nothing but more and more room numbers. Back the other way was a larger area labeled “The Quiet Room”. I crossed my fingers and hoped for the best.
***
Before I’d even pushed open the swinging doors, I could hear the happy tune. Once it came to a stop, I heard the tape rewind and then start anew. It was terribly catchy and had something to do with smiles. A lot of them, in fact.
Cautiously, I went in, keeping low to the ground. I needn’t have worried.
A half-dozen ponies sat in identical wheelchairs facing a wide barred window. The view outside was of a single tree with all of its leaves missing save one. The strong wind outside nudged against it playfully, tempting to flick its last survivor away.
Each watching pony looked enraptured by the view, a drop of drool hanging from most mouths. I waved a hand in front of a dark-blue unicorn and she didn’t notice me at all. On her lap was a homemade blanket stitched together by hundreds of different threads. Sombra, seated near the back, had something close to the same, only his was a crocheted straightjacket.
I knelt by his chair, his head leaning to the side. “Hey. Hey, Sombra, it’s me, Steve. You all right?”
Saliva dripped from his mouth. His unfocused eyes stared forward blankly.
I snapped my fingers in front of him. “Hello? Hello in there? They couldn’t have scrambled your brains this fast, could they? You watch game shows all day! What else is there left to mush?”
Sombra didn’t budge a single inch. Every few seconds he’d blink and overhead the smile song started again. I soon thought I’d go mad, left inside long enough.
I flicked his ear, hopeful to get him mad. His eye twitched, but nothing more.
I knew then I’d need to resort to something stronger, even if I’d been saving it for myself.
I whispered to him, “Remember this , Sombra? I doubt they allow this in Equestria.”
The slice of meat-lovers pizza I brought along hovered less than an inch below his snout. I hoped the fact that it was a little old and cold wouldn’t matter. I used my hand to waft over the smell.
Sombra’s right nostril twitched, then his eye. More saliva dripped from his mouth and his pupils shrunk to stare near the tip of his nose. Slowly, his lips curled into a snarl, and his tongue exited his mouth in search of the food.
I held the pizza away from him. “Are you back with us, Sombra?”
His hazy eyes were now focused on the pizza. “Why do you retreat from me, oh delicious one? I can keep you safe, I promise, inside me. Oh, please, come back. I only want to hold you close to me.”
And here I thought things couldn’t get any more bizarre.
At least that got him talking. I asked, “Sombra, can you hear me?”
“My name’s not Sombra anymore, I’m afraid. I’m told that’s a bad name. I’m told I’m named Sweet Berries now, because I’m told I like berries more than anything else. Yesterday, I picked berries for twelve hours straight. I was told it was the best day of my life. I’ve been told not to disagree with this idea.”
Well, look at that. Everything just got more bizarre .
Not wanting to hear more, I shoved the doughy mess into his mouth as he swallowed fast enough to choke. After it was gone, his eyes rolled into the back of his head and he swirled from side to side. He must have been higher than cloud nine.
Then he caught sight of me and awareness took hold.
“You!” he growled. “You left me to die, you bastard!”
I raised both hands. “You were never going to die, Sombra. They said they were going to help you.”
He motioned his horn around. “Does this look like help, Steve? I told you they couldn’t be trusted!”
“You want to keep your voice down a bit? I really don’t think I’m supposed to be here.”
He sneered at me. “I guess that makes two of us. Now hold out your hand, Steve.”
“Why?”
“Just do it.”
I held out my hand to him and felt it wrapped in a magical force. My hand flew back to slap me across the face, three times over.
I grabbed hold of my rogue hand. “Stop that!”
Sombra giggled. “You deserve that, Steve. And much more, I’m sure. Now why are you here? Have you come to finish the job? Drive a blade through what remains of my heart?”
I winced. “What? No! I’m not here to kill you, Sombra. I wouldn’t come all this way for something like that. Actually, I’m here to bring you back.” I paused. “If you want to, I mean.”
Sombra’s gleefulness fell away as he looked at me. He almost seemed fearful. “Do you really mean that, Steve? You lied to me before, you know. And that hurt. Very much so.”
I nodded. “I swear, Sombra, just as long as you pick up after yourself every once in a while, you can crash on my couch. Maybe a little less food, as well.”
He still looked hesitant. “How do I know you’re not merely some drug induced dream? I’ve seen things, Steve. Things you wouldn’t believe.”
I poked his nose. Repeatedly.
“Stop that!” he shouted, before looking away from me. “It’s only understandable you want to rescue me now. Anyone denied my royal presence at all times must surely be insane. I will accept your apology and allow you to repay me over time. Let it be known that I am a merciful King, even to those slaves that dare to betray me.”
I chewed my tongue. “I never apologized, you know.”
He looked up quickly. “Whatever, Steve. We need to leave this place at once. It’s terrible here, the food’s substandard, and the beds aren’t like couches at all. And every day they try to get me to feel things, Steve. I don’t want to feel . It makes me feel all gooey inside and I don’t like it. Plus, the one running this place is insane.”
I stared at him for a moment.
“More insane than me , Steve! I kid you not!”
Finding the looping overhead song more than I could take, I ignored the rest of my questions and started untying his multicolored straightjacket. Once free, Sombra fell to the floor and stretched out each leg.
“You lost weight,” I remarked.
He growled. “I think you mean they starved me! I never want to see ice water Jell-O again for as long as I live.”
I picked up the handmade straightjacket to stuff in my pack. Keepsakes and all that.
“Why didn’t you try and escape before with your horn?”
Sombra glanced around fretfully. “Magic’s very limited inside here. Only the doctor is allowed to keep his powers, if that’s what they’re even called.”
“But you slapped my face. A few times.”
He rolled his eyes. “Then I guess I found the strength just for you , Steve. Make you feel good?”
I rubbed at my red cheek. “No.”
Sombra lowered his voice. “Something’s wrong here, Steve. This doesn’t feel like the world I left all those months ago. The moment we arrived here, Twilight and the others started acting differently, not all hugs and kisses as I’d been expecting. That same day, they dumped me here and haven’t returned since. All I’ve heard is that they’re preparing for something, and if I’d have to guess, it involves me somehow, which is why they’ve trapped me here along with that psychotic doctor.”
As much as I’d like to disagree—remind myself I hadn’t been tricked by a bunch of ponies for the tenth time or so—the evidence that something wasn’t right here was staggering. The three fillies I’d met and how easily they took my behind’s entrance into their roof. The fact that this very “rehabilitation” center was allowed to exist at all, even if it seemed to be doing nothing of the sort. Even how badly Twilight and her group had wanted him returned, freezing my work floor and literally chasing me down to talk.
Before I had a chance to speak, we both turned to the ceiling as the smile song came to a stop. Instead of starting again, a two note jingle played and the receptionist spoke over the intercom. “The doctor to the Quiet Room for scheduled rounds, please. The doctor to the Quiet Room.”
I looked down at Sombra. “What should we do?”
“Hide.”
Author's Note
Time for that DARK tag yet?
Editor's picks for the eventual live-action adaptation: Steve played by Simon Pegg. Sombra voiced by Robert Downey Jr.
Author's picks: Steve played by Simon Pegg/James Franco. Sombra voiced by Benedict Cumberbatch.
Twilight played by Leonardo DiCaprio in full costume and makeup. Oscar guaranteed.
Sombra The Highly Unmotivated
My blood turned to ice as I remembered the doctor from when I’d arrived—the one with the bubbly giggle and the bipedal footsteps. If he was in charge of this place of misery and woe, I sure didn’t want to be around when he came by. My short trip to Equestria so far had been light on the fun and heavy on the painful and the creepy.
At least I was getting some fresh air out of the whole ordeal.
I hurriedly looked around the room. “Where am I even supposed to hide?”
Sombra tapped his hooves nervously. “Maybe we can get out before he comes. If we hurry, we—”
I overheard someone come to a halt outside the room as the doctor asked, “Nurse Ratchet? If you’d be so kind, please change my four o’clock to three and my three o’clock to four. But don’t tell them about it. That should make one-on-one sessions a tad more interesting, don’t you think?”
I looked to the small window on the door and my jaw dropped from the sight. In a black turtleneck and half-moon spectacles was the variously-limbed creature from Twilight’s picture back on Earth. A single fang poked out from his one-sided smirk and his eyes were looking down, most likely on the nurse pony he was speaking to.
I felt like ice before, but now I felt like a block of ice shattered with a sledgehammer.
“Very good, doctor,” the mare replied out of sight.
Sombra kicked my ankle. “You need to hide, Steve. Get behind that plant in the corner.”
I turned and found the oversized green and red bush by the corner of the room. I took a step and paused. “What about you?”
Sombra chuckled. “I’ll do exactly what I’ve been doing the past two months, Steve—drooling from the mouth.”
He jumped back into his wheelchair and immediately started spitting on himself. He was damn committed, I’d give him that.
I lowered behind the wide plant and angled to see the rest of the room. Doctor Discord threw the door open hard enough to smack against the wall, the knob creating a hole.
“How’s everyone doing?” he asked cheerfully, an eagle’s claw clamped around a notepad. When his question was met by silence, he added, “Don’t everyone shout at once.”
His stretchable neck circled around the motionless mare by the door. “And how are you today, my dear? Finding everything to your liking? How’s the air in here? Humidity? Blanket too thick? Itchy?” He stared at her. “Well, don’t say I didn’t ask. But, hey, what’re you watching?”
He wrapped an arm around her shoulders, sitting on the armrest of her chair. He put his head next to hers to watch the lone tree outside. “Oh, this old show. I won’t spoil the ending, but let’s just say the ending is much like the beginning. Here, have something better.” He snapped his fingers and the tree outside started playing a fiddle it retrieved from somewhere behind its trunk.
Discord clapped his hands together childishly, until he noted the complete lack of response from every pony in the room. “Oh, come on! He’s not that bad. He only started playing four seconds ago .”
He stood again and regarded the mare sourly. “Maybe we’ll up your dose of pink pills and lower the purple. See if that might get a giggle out of you.” He scribbled something on the pad. “Oh, who am I kidding, they’re mostly placebos, anyways.”
From a pocket in his turtleneck, Discord took out a corncob pipe and started blowing bubbles. Then he casually strolled around the room, stopping at each patient to hold a very one-sided conversation. When one of his guests gurgled something out, he shook his head and said, “Against your will? Whatever do you mean? You’re free to leave whenever you like, just as long as you find the exit.” The guest said something else. “Where’s the exit, you ask? Well, if you can’t even compliment me on my new sweater, than I really don’t feel the need to tell you. Plus, you’re under my care; the best care in all of this Equestria. And I won’t stand to see you leave until you’re fit to rejoin society.” He chuckled. “Don’t you know that would go against my doctor’s code?”
He left the poor pony and greeted a few more. None had much to say. He scribbled something new on his pad before making his way to Sombra’s chair. Once there, he knelt and put an arm around him.
“And how’s our resident troublemaker doing?” he asked with a smirk. “Glad to see you’ve finally adapted to the program, Sweet Berries. Once we flush your system of all its negative-grams, we’ll see what the D-meter has to say again. If you’re in the clear, then maybe, just maybe , I’ll move you to a room with a window. How does that sound, Sweet Berries?”
A bit of saliva fell to Sombra’s chest. His eyes never left the talented tree outside.
Discord sneered. “Maybe we’ll lower your pinks and up your purples. I wouldn’t suggest trying to hide your pills under your tongue again, young pony. There are more than a few ways to get proper medicine inside you, you know.”
Even from the safety of the plant, I could see Sombra’s pupils shrink.
Discord waved a hand. “Well, must get going, busy, busy, busy and all—”
He stopped and lowered his brows.
“What happened to your handmade sweater, Sweet Berries? If you ate it again, I swear I’ll reach in there and pull it out myself.”
Sombra’s eyes found mine and I glanced at my bag. I’d completely forgotten I’d taken his colorful straightjacket from before.
With a lion’s paw, Discord patted Sombra’s head. “Wait right here. I’ll go get my thingy-removing gloves. I’m sure there’s a better name for it, but… whatever.”
Discord spun on a hoof and kicked open the door leading to the hall, sliding along the floor with ice skates. A merry whistle followed—the smile, smile, smile song from over the speakers.
Sombra glared at me. “Steve, not sure if you heard that correctly with your substandard human ears, but he’s planning on removing or putting things inside of me!”
I nodded and began to rise, when the door ripped open again.
“Wait one minute! Just wait one minute!” Discord yelled, a bit of burning red in his glare. “Something isn’t right. Something is actually very wrong here. Something doesn’t belong here. Some thing shouldn’t be in this room at all.” He pulled at his beard. “And I’m beginning to think that its very accidental appearance here might just lead to the downfall of everyone. And because of that ¸ I cannot let this charade continue any further.”
My hands shook along the rim of the flowerpot; my jaw quivered away on whatever it planned on mumbling once I’d been discovered by the lunatic in the turtleneck.
Discord took a lengthy step forward, shoving a wheelchair bound pony aside. He studied the room a moment. “A-ha! Found you!” He bent and scooped up a red pen off the floor, twirling it around his fingers. “I thought I’d forgotten you this morning. How careless of me.”
I closed my eyes and exhaled. When my heart steadied, I opened them again and found Discord’s tired face filling my vision. I was also seated in the center of the room in a ratty old chair, a recently created coffee table between us.
Discord blew bubbles from his pipe and grinned. “Hello, Steve the human. You don’t belong here, do you?”
I struggled for air. “Umm…”
“In this world or in my rehabilitation center.” His grin expanded, showcasing his yellow-stained teeth. “Have you come to be rehabilitated, Steve? What must I remove from you to make you a better human, hmm? Jealousy? Rage? Twenty unsightly pounds that you just can’t seem to shake off around the gut?”
I was going to die. That’d become obvious. I knew it the moment I noticed how neither of his pupils matched the other, constantly swirling around and changing shape. Brain damage, I thought. Probably a lot more than that, actually.
He patted my knee reassuringly. “Well, that’s too bad, Steve. Admission here isn’t cheap and we’re full, as is. So you’ll need to go.” He giggled, dragging a claw across his cheek. “But I can already imagine what a panic you’ll cause—another human in Equestria. Your very existence could upend pony-kind as we know it; you could destroy the world with a simple snap of your fingers. Or perhaps you’re somehow destined to save us from ourselves in a way only a human could. You might have been a cog in a machine in your world, Steve, but there’s reason to believe you could singlehandedly change the course of history for all time if given the chance.”
A pregnant pause followed his little ramble. A few more bubbles from his pipe floated towards the ceiling.
“Or maybe you’re just here to get your little pony back and should probably take everything I say with a grain of salt. If that’s the case, then carry on, my wayward son.”
I’d become so nervous my tongue felt like sandpaper. “So… you’ll let us leave, then?”
Discord rolled his eyes. “I’ll let you leave this room, sure, but that doesn’t mean I won’t warn everyone I can that a human’s trying to escape with the ol’ King of the Crystal Empire under his arm. Especially given how hard it was to attain him to begin with. But then again, the outcome doesn’t really mean beans to me, personally. No matter the circumstance, I always have fun.”
I grimaced. “You can’t just keep quiet about my being here?”
In one gulp, he swallowed his pipe and bubbles oozed out his ears. “Too late for that, I’m afraid. You two should get running.”
“What do you—”
Bang-bang-bang!
“Whoever’s in there better come out this instant!”
It sounded like Rarity, hitting against the windows of the center.
“How dare you make my darling little sister cry!”
Discord put a finger to his lips. “Someone’s in trouble, Steve. Is it you?”
I thought he might be on to something.
***
Sombra and I exited the Quiet Room and took a hard left, sliding against the floor. Swinging my pack over my shoulder, I turned for a moment to watch the center’s front door blow off its hinges, bits of wood and nails spilling along the floor.
Rarity and her five multicolored friends galloped inside, squinting from the gloom. Sweetie Belle stood beside her sister, a leg wrapped around her. The filly’s mouth was set in a frown and it caused my heart to stop for a moment. Even from a distance, that was some rather cute bullshit.
“They went that a’way!” Discord told them from the doorway, a half-dozen arms extending in all directions from his torso.
Rarity seemed not to hear, as her and the five other mares glanced around the decrepit hall, motivational posters and all.
A set of stairs leading to the floor above sat on my end of the hall. I stopped with my shoe on the first step to watch them.
Rarity grimaced. “What in Equestria has been going on here?”
Discord strolled up to them. “Whatever do you mean, my dear? You wanted a rehabilitation center, remember? And you all, ever so smartly, placed its charge in my more than capable claws and paws.”
“If I remember things correctly, you were the only one that volunteered.”
Discord absently filed a claw. “Doesn’t mean I don’t care about the job, Rarity. Just ask Sweet Berries over there.”
“Who?”
A hoof shoved her to the side and Twilight Sparkle trotted forward. She exhaled sharply and forked a leg at Discord. “We’re going to talk about this later , Discord. All you had to do was keep Sombra busy until we were ready for him.” She glanced around the dimly lit space. “The rest of this was completely unnecessary.”
Discord giggled, flicking her leg away. “More grotesque than what you’re planning on doing? I don’t know what more you want, Twilight. I fulfilled my part of the agreement. Sombra stayed put for two months and then some. Not my fault you’re slow.”
During the conversation, Sweetie Belle unhooked herself from her sister and trotted a few paces down the hall. When she saw my shell-shocked expression, she shot a leg at me. “There’s the human that wouldn’t have tea with me!”
Sombra sighed next to me. “Really, Steve? How long would it have taken to have tea? Ten? Maybe fifteen minutes?”
Sweetie Belle added, “He also said I was going to kill someone someday!”
Sombra shook his head and tsk me. “And here I thought I taught you better.”
My shoulders fell. “What she’s telling you has been taken so out of context.”
Rarity came behind her and wrapped her in a leg. “It’s okay, Sweetie Belle. Humans have a bad tendency to do silly, silly things. I met one the other month that—”
Rarity’s finally caught sight of me, causing her eyes to narrow and her jaw to set. “Steve? How did you get here?”
Twilight put a hoof to her temple. “I think the better question is why he’s here. And just why it looks like he’s trying to escape with Sombra.”
Discord gently rapped his knuckles on her horn. “Because that’s exactly what he’s doing, silly billy. Seriously, I thought most versions of you lived in a library.”
Twilight stomped against the floor. “You and I are going to talk later , Discord. As of right now, we have an escaped villain to obtain. As well as a human that doesn’t belong here.”
When he snapped his fingers, Discord reappeared in a recliner with a box of popcorn. He pulled out the leg rest. “Then get on with the chase scene already!”
***
It took a hundred and ten seconds for Sombra and I to get to the second floor of the center and teleport out. Once on the lush field at the back of the place, I wasted not a moment packing my book and running in the opposite direction. Too bad it only took Twilight and the rest of her friends a meager hundred and ninety seconds to get around the building and begin their pursuit.
Having picked up Sombra by the middle to teleport outside, I unknowingly held him with one arm as I ran. Remembering his mass the night I gave him away, he really had lost a lot of weight.
“You can let go of me, Steve,” he said casually. “I’m fully capable of running for my life by myself.”
“Just because you’re thinner doesn’t mean you’ll be able to keep up, Sombra.”
“I’ll think I’ll manage.”
He pushed away from me and rolled to the ground. I continued onward and soon found him galloping by my side, a look of smug satisfaction on his face.
“Look, Steve! I’m running! I’m actually running!” He giggled. “And to think I made all those slaves carry me everywhere on that crystal throne.”
“Don’t get cocky, friendo,” I muttered between breaths. “We’re still trying to outrun a whole pack of ponies. Ones I’m sure run even faster than you, and a couple that even fly.”
Sombra’s tongue lulled from his mouth as he picked up the pace. “Look, Steve! I can even run faster than you! Isn’t it wonderful?”
Sweat formed along my brow and under my shirt. “Sure, whatever. Teleport us out of here. Use your horn and get us away from them.”
Some of his elation dropped. “I haven’t done that type of spell in a while, Steve. It might not work.”
Not in the greatest shape myself, I was soon out of breath. “Give it a try, all right? I thought you called yourself the greatest unicorn around?”
Sombra looked away. “Well, I don’t know if I used those words exactly , but I’m definitely top five.” He pointed his horn at me. “Let’s see how this goes, then.”
A ball of glowing red spun out from his horn, expanding until it swallowed us both. It was bright and warm, and I was forced to shield my eyes. When I opened them again, I was still running across the field. Only now the bottom of my shirt was on fire.
“Oh, come on!” I patted the licking flames out and then blew on my hands. I glared at the galloping pony. “Seriously?”
Sombra rolled his eyes. “What? I tried. Just get that little book out and—”
A blast of purple struck his plot, singeing some hair. He screamed and ran a few lengths ahead.
I looked back and found Twilight and the gang a lot closer than before.
“Give him back to us right now , Steve!” Twilight yelled, charging her horn again.
The second shot hit the grass near my foot, blackening it at once. This sight alone added more urgency to my step.
Several meters ahead of me, Sombra ran at full speed, not bothering to look back.
I felt a cramp looming on the horizon. “Sombra! I don’t think we can outrun them!”
“That’s fine, Steve,” he replied without turning. “I’m reminded that I technically don’t need to outrun them—only you. But please take some warmth from the fact you were the best slave any King could've hoped to have.”
A pain in my chest made me cough. “What? You dick! You selfish little bastard of a pony! If I get my hands on you, I’ll rip your damn ears off!”
“But you won’t, Steve!” With that said, he galloped ahead and well into the distance. Perhaps what he’d said about saving his strength while sleeping on the couch actually held merit.
Before I had a chance to chew the tyrant out anymore, something hard slammed into my back and tried to pull me off the ground.
“Gotcha!”
Two light-blue legs hooked under both arms, dragging me upward.
Five feet. Ten feet.
Rainbow Dash told me, “Now sit tight and I’ll have you back to the others in no time.”
I shook my head briskly. “Nope.”
I thrashed in the air until her grip on me loosened and she had to grab at my sweatshirt instead. Pulling my arms in, I slid out of it and smacked into the ground, knocking the air from me.
I tried to stand, only for Pinkie Pie to leap atop my back and start bouncing.
“I found him! I found him! I found him!”
Pushing her off, I turned to sit on the grass, more than a few limbs painful and sore.
Twilight came to halt in front of me and frowned. “What you did just now was foolish, Steve. Coming here. Trying to retrieve Sombra from us.”
The rest of her friends stood by her side. They seemed much colder than the last time I saw them.
I explained, “Someone sent me a note that said ‘help me’. That’s why I came.”
“That note could have come from anyone.”
“True, but I have a good feeling it came from Sombra, given the state you all put him in.”
Twilight took a breath to compose herself. “I assure you, Steve, that Sombra was being taken care of as best he could. If you want, I will look into the matter myself and make sure he’s treated more… comfortably in the future. But with that said, he needs to be returned to us.”
I glanced behind me, half-expecting Rainbow Dash to come flying back with Sombra by the tail. Instead, she landed and kicked a rock along the grass.
When all eyes fell to her, she said, “What? He teleported before I could get to him!”
I muttered angrily, “Stupid jerk face Sombra and his selective teleportation magic…”
A hoof fell to my knee and I looked up. Twilight regarded me warmly, a gentle smile under a determined stare. “And just like last time, Steve, I know you’ll do what is right and help us find him again. All any of us care about is his safety, so it’s best—”
I slapped her hoof away and she took a step back. “You can cut the act. I’m not sure exactly what’s going on here, but it sure isn’t any form of rehabilitation. Whatever you got Discord doing to those poor ponies is terrifying, and from what I’ve heard, you haven’t checked on Sombra’s wellbeing a single time since you brought him here. Also, I’ve been told that you needed him for something. And I doubt it’s something good.”
She shook her head lightly. “Now you’re overreacting, Steve. What you saw today was nothing more than a minor hiccup in the process. Once Sombra’s safe and sound and returned to us again, you can personally come visit him whenever you’d like.”
Twilight Sparkle smiled, a clear sign that everything was all right and nothing bad could ever happen while she was around. Too bad that smile of hers didn’t match her eyes.
I remained silent to her proposal.
Twilight sighed. “You don’t believe any of this any more, do you?”
I shook my head.
She yelled to the others. “All right, let’s bring him back. Then we’ll start our search for the unicorn.”
A purple blast of magic put me to sleep.
Sombra The Highly Unmotivated
I awoke itchy and sore and soon realized my sweatshirt had been given back to me inside out and heavily wrinkled. The first thing I saw once I opened my eyes was an immature stick figure drawing right under my nose. Coming to, I found my legs and stomach wedged into a miniature-sized school desk, most likely intended for someone a lot shorter than five-foot-ten. I struggled to get my legs out, both knees popping from the stretch.
I groaned and blinked. Then I noticed I wasn’t alone in the room.
Twilight Sparkle stood in front of a cracked wall in desperate need of new paint. The glare I’d received after the chase had all but vanished from her, leaving in its wake a tired mare that could hardly look me in the eyes. She ran her hoof along the ground sluggishly.
“I’m sorry you saw what you saw today, Steve,” she started slowly. “You weren’t supposed to come here and Sombra was never supposed to leave us. A few days more and everything would’ve been over. A few days more and all of this would’ve come to an end… or at least that’s what we’re hoping for.”
I searched my wrists for handcuffs of some kind, but found them bare. Looking behind me, I glimpsed the dying rays of sunlight beaming through an open window fitted with bars. I didn’t know how long I’d been out, but I was sure a couple of hours at most. This must have been another room in the rehabilitation center.
I lifted both hands. “What’s stopping me from walking away right now?”
Twilight motioned with her horn. “That fact that this room has no doors, as well as the fact your book of spells has been taken from you and given to a researcher upstairs. Only a unicorn can teleport you out.”
Damn. “So what do you want from me?”
She lifted her head and took a step closer. “From you , Steve, we want nothing at all. Your part in all this ended the moment we left you on Earth. Now we keep an eye on you until everything’s complete. Once it’s over, we’ll return you home. And that’s all there is to it.”
I crossed my arms and chewed my tongue. “I somehow don’t believe that.”
“It doesn’t matter to me if you do, Steve. That’s all that’ll happen to you. It was never my intention to frighten you or cause you harm. But what I’m trying to accomplish cannot be halted for anything.”
“And I take it Sombra won’t be coming with me back to Earth?”
Twilight shut her eyes. “Sombra won’t be leaving Equestria again, Steve. I’m sorry for tricking you the way we had and for everything since then, but Sombra’s too important to us. To everyone, really.”
I’d found the mare that chased me across a field close to terrifying a few hours ago—this pitiful, dejected Twilight that spoke to me now almost made me want to flip over my small desk just to watch her flinch.
I told her, “You don’t act a lot like the Twilight I met on Earth.”
Twilight smiled faintly. “Would you have been so inclined to give Sombra away to a bunch of miserable, angry, tired mares?”
“I think Luna ruined your image, then,” I shot back.
“I think that’s because she’s lost a lot more than most.”
I put my palms to my temples. “Enough cryptic mumbo-jumbo. How can any of this have to do with Sombra? He was defeated. He was sent to me. He ate garbage and wasted his life. Usually those types of people impact internet message boards at most, and usually in a negative way. So how can Sombra be responsible for anything besides what he’s already done? You still mad about the whole Crystal Empire business? He’s been out of Equestria for a long time now. He’s been away , Twilight! Doing nothing !”
Twilight gingerly strolled around the room, running a hoof along the deep cracks that tracked from the floor to the ceiling. “How long ago was it that Sombra arrived in your place, Steve?”
“Nine months ago.”
She still wouldn’t face me. “You know when all this trouble started, Steve?”
I didn’t answer, but I had a good idea what was coming next.
She finally turned to me. “Nine months ago.”
***
“That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard in my life,” I told her bluntly, cutting her sentence neatly in half. She’d been going on for close to five minutes straight about things I barely understood. Thirty seconds into her lengthy explanation, I was tempted to ask for a pen and paper to jot myself some notes. I only hoped a quiz was not lying in wait somewhere in the near future.
Twilight exhaled and angled her head. “More idiotic than an ex-tyrant appearing out of your toaster, Steve? More idiotic than a working spell book delivered to you on Earth? More idiotic than the fact that you arrived in a land filled with talking ponies, all from an incantation you simply read aloud?”
I snorted. “Well, yeah, that’s all pretty silly stuff, too. But what you’re talking about—”
“Also happened, Steve. And is continuing to happen. Let me try to make this a little more clear.”
Twilight levitated a piece of chalk to the damaged wall and drew a straight line clean across. She drew a large X at both ends.
She indicated the first X. “Let’s say this X represents the moment Sombra was defeated at the Crystal Empire.” She dragged the chalk to the other X, thickening the line between them. “Let’s say this second X represents this exact point in time, meaning that the line between them is the nine months that have passed.”
She turned her head to me and I nodded. Then I waved a hand. “Continue.”
A quarter of the way down the line, she added a smaller X and drew a crude stick figure doodle. “It was around two months after Sombra left that the first human appeared in Equestria. A male, in his early forties. An accident with electricity sent him here.” Twilight came away from the chalk diagram and her eyes took on a far away appearance. “Interested in such a rare find, I took it upon myself to inform him of pony culture. In the two weeks he spent here, we exchanged knowledge of both our worlds and upon reflection I’d consider it one of the most fascinating points in all of my studies.”
I asked, “How’d he get back to Earth? Another bolt of lightning?”
“A group of unicorns,” she answered curtly. “After learning where Earth was located compared to Equestria, I tasked a group of elder unicorns with developing a teleportation spell powerful enough to send him back. The spell worked. I made sure that it would. But it took a full dozen powerful unicorns to accomplish, and then several days’ rest for each. As alicorns, and with a little more practice, Luna and I were able to return here with a little less difficulty.”
I sighed. “I know I’m going to sound like a broken record by the end of all this, but what does that have to do with Sombra? A human popped by, you all had tea and crumpets together, and then you sent him on his way. Seems like a nice little story. Perhaps a tad on the dry side.”
A faint smirk found her. “I wish it ended there, Steve. I really do. But that human was only the first of many to find themselves lost in our world. It was only three days later that a young girl appeared out of thin air in the very center of town—due to another accident on Earth. A week following that, a traveling father and son knocked on the doors of the Crystal Empire, searching for answers. And from that point on, more and more of your kind found their way in, even if only by accident.”
“So you sent them all back to Earth?”
Twilight nodded. “As soon as we could, we sent them home—requesting more and more unicorns to perform the spell. Even now, we can hardly keep up with the humans that arrive. Most are merely frightened by what’s happened to them, or by us. Most are friendly, or confused, or believe themselves to be stuck in a coma or a dream. Either way, we return them as quickly as we can.”
I could tell she was reflecting on something she’d rather not think about.
I said, “I take it you got a few bad humans in the bunch, didn’t you?”
She tightened her jaw and tried for a smile. “I don’t think one out of twenty is all that bad. Those types… we kept well away from the public. This afternoon, you met Sweetie Belle and her friends. Most humans that come here enjoy spending time with those types. The nice humans, I mean.”
I nodded briskly. “Okay. Humans in Equestria. Too many humans in Equestria. How come all of Earth doesn’t know about this place, then?”
She cocked a brow. “If you never met Sombra, Steve, would you have believed someone if they told you they just came from a land of talking ponies?”
I didn’t have a good answer to that. “All right. Again, what does this have to do with Sombra?”
Twilight added a second smaller X near the middle of the diagram. Then she came back to me. “Do you think it’s possible, Steve, that there’s another Earth in existence, identical to yours, except on that Earth everyone’s eyes are blue?”
I blinked what sleep remained from my eyes. “Come again?”
“How about an Earth where hands and feet are in the opposite place or one where dogs breathe underwater?”
I wasn’t following any of this. “Well, based on those descriptions, I know I wouldn’t like to visit either of those places.”
Twilight began pacing around my little desk. “When that first human came to Equestria and unveiled the existence of an entirely new world to us, I began to wonder just how many more worlds were out there—ones we couldn’t even see or know about. Perhaps even some nearly identical to Equestria, besides the smallest of details; there could be millions of them, billions, even. It was something I never thought about before. If a being such as Discord could exist or the Elements of Harmony, then why not the existence of limitless other worlds?”
She pointed a hoof at the middle X along the timeline.
“It was around this point I got my answer,” she said softly. “While dealing with the influx of displaced humans, something entirely different arrived here. You mentioned bad humans before, but never had we come across a bad creature . Since it couldn’t speak, we had no way of reasoning with it. Since all it did was destroy what lay in its path, the Elements and I were forced to put it down. Overall, it proved to be one of our more difficult battles. When things were quiet once more, I asked a human awaiting to be returned home if this type of thing would have come from Earth. In reply, they shook their head and said, ‘Only from my nightmares.’”
Twilight went silent for a moment and went back to the board. Using her hoof, she lightly rubbed along the line, increasing her pressure the closer she got to the end. The diagram now started neat and thin before becoming a wash of white dust by the second large X.
She finally said, “That was only the first of such monsters to arrive here without warning. Ponyville, Canterlot, even the Crystal Empire has seen hit by such horrors. And never has the same creature appeared twice.”
Twilight rubbed her chalk-covered hoof along her side, spreading dust into her coat. She seemed not to care.
“This timeline now represents Equestria’s barrier between worlds. Nine months ago it was a solid shield against any that might have come here—whether it be on purpose or by accident. Now it is deteriorating at an alarming rate. At the moment, it is frail and weak and it is allowing things that shouldn’t be here to come here, and sooner or later I’m worried something will find its way into Equestria that we have no hope of calming or defeating. Too much damage has already been done here.”
Like a schoolboy, I raised my hand. “And what does this—”
“—have to do with Sombra?” she finished. “When Sombra was destroyed, he somehow got sent to Earth through your toaster. I believe this started a chain reaction of sorts. Sombra came to Earth by mistake and by doing so poked a small hole into the fabric between worlds. Humans came here and that hole only grew. Now we have no control over what comes next, and it’s only getting worse.”
I fidgeted in my tiny chair and ran my hands along my numb legs. By this point I was already finding the barrage of information too much to take, especially given how this whole adventure had started.
I almost pleaded, “Really? New worlds and thinning fabrics in time and space? Humans and monsters and ponies?”
Twilight nodded. “I’m afraid so, Steve.”
I rubbed at my temples again. “This all started with a pony on a couch. How the hell did we get here? You must realize this is insane!”
Twilight came around me and placed a hoof on my arm. “I’m sorry it’s turned out this way, Steve, but rest assured that things are almost at an end. I put too much trust in Discord with keeping Sombra safe, but sadly, as things grow worse, I’ve come to depend on him for a lot.” She paused. “The ponies Discord’s brought here will be returned to their homes and as soon as we can, this place will be demolished. Once he’s brought back to us, Sombra will be treated very well from here on out. Anything he wants, he will have. Junk food and stories. Soft beds. I’m sure I could find one desperate mare for him if he wanted one.”
I looked at her, unknowing if I could trust anything she’d said. If it was all another lie, it was a damn complicated and big one. “How does Sombra solve any of this?”
Twilight brightened a bit. “Sombra doesn’t know it now, but he’s the only one that can save Equestria.”
“Did you miss the part where he lived on a couch for seven months and broke the armrest when he sat on it?”
She shook her head. “There are more ways than one to save the world, Steve. And with our help, he’ll do just that.”
“If this all doesn’t involve me, then why are you telling me all this?”
Her eyes took on that far away look again. “Because I want you to know that I’m not trying to hurt you or Sombra. Everything I’ve done has a purpose. And that’s only to help save what little is left of this world.”
I told her bluntly, “You’re one crazy little pony, you know that?”
She chuckled dryly. “Try living in a world for nine months that could end at any moment, Steve. I promise you, you wouldn’t be the same person afterwards.”
I raised a finger. “I still don’t—”
Boom!
A deafening explosion detonated outside the center as bits of concrete and dust fell from the ceiling. Both Twilight and I turned in the direction of the noise—somewhere near the doors of the building. A second explosion followed soon after as beyond the walls of the tiny room, ponies galloped in the direction of the explosion. After each blast came a crackling sound I almost recognized. Fireworks?
Twilight held a hoof out to me. “Stay here.”
I glanced around the sealed room. “No sh—”
Already, she was gone.
***
As the thunderous booming from outside continued to shake the building’s foundation, I grew concerned about my complete lack of escape routes. More dust and bits of debris fell from the ceiling and I started keeping an eye on the larger cracks, should some good-sized chunk decide to pry loose and land on my head. What a short adventure that would make this, I mused.
That was when I noticed the thick blanket of dark smoke lazily drifting in through the barred window and down the wall. Worried about choking to death, I retreated to the nearest corner and brought a hand to my mouth. Needless to say, I was a little more than surprised when the black mass changed directions and hovered towards me.
Two green and red eyes appeared in the thick of the smoke, along with two familiar purple vapor trails. “Hello, Steve,” it greeted calmly enough.
I pried my hand from my face and waved a bit of the smoke away. “Sombra?”
The dark mass stopped pouring in and gathered together to form a dense wall of darkness from the floor to the ceiling. If I wasn’t entirely sure it was somehow my pet pony, I thought it would’ve proved quite the terrifying display.
“Who else?” it answered.
I stuck my hand in the smoke and swirled it around. “You’ve… changed states somehow. Could you always do this?”
The whirling smoke oozed to the floor and hardened into Sombra’s normal pony self again. From his display he looked rather pleased, as he held a half-dissolved hoof close to his muzzle. “It’s a trick I learned a long time ago. I haven’t done it in a while, but figured it would be the best way in here.” He looked up at me with a smirk. “Guess who I am, Steve?” He inhaled a bit of his hoof and then blew it out. He did it again and looked at me.
I shrugged.
“I’m you , Steve. Remember when you started smoking those little paper sticks because that new girl at work did? Even though all they did was make you sick?” He giggled childishly and took another drag of himself. He said mockingly, “My name’s Steve and I’m trying to impress a female by setting paper on fire and eating it! If she said she liked human men that wore eye patches, I’d probably be inclined to take a rusty spoon and shovel out an eye!”
He chuckled again—hardly audible underneath the continued booms sounding off by the other side of the building. Sombra inhaled a bit more and held it in his mouth, slowly exhaling out his nostrils. “Now I’m Steve when he burns that odd smelling plant in that weirdly-shaped flower pot.” He roughly shot out what was left in his mouth and started coughing onto the ground. Extending his tongue out, he scrapped the top of it with a hoof. “Eck! I taste awful, Steve. I taste far too bitter.”
I rolled my eyes. “Then stop smoking yourself already.”
I pressed an ear against the wall, listening for nearby hoofsteps. All I managed to hear were the large barrage of explosions and the occasional muffled shout from some pony many walls away.
I turned to Sombra again, still busy ridding the taste of himself from his mouth. “How can you be so calm about all this?”
He looked at me wide-eyed. “What? The forced rehabilitation and overwhelming uncertainty of whether or not we’ll live to see another day?” He waved a hoof. “I’ve dealt with worse. You know how many assassination attempts I lived through while running my Empire, Steve? Hundreds, if not more. The only times I grew nervous was when no one was trying to have me killed. Moments like those told me I was going too easy on everyone. Plus, it’s only Twilight and her friends, albeit acting a little more sinister than how I remembered them.”
I ran a hand through my hair and shut my eyes. So many questions floated around in the blackness of my thoughts, and the answers I’d been given so far had been anything but helpful. But before trying to comprehend any of that, there was still something I’d promised I’d do if I ever saw Sombra again.
I bent a knee and lowered to the ground. “Come here and give me a hug.”
Sombra grimaced. “I don’t think now’s a good time, Steve. Did Twilight happen to give you some of the doctor’s purple pills?”
I pointed a thumb at my chest. “Real quick-like, Sombra. I didn’t know if I’d ever see you again, so I’m glad you’re okay.”
Sombra thought for a moment. “Well, all right, then. Just a quick one.”
Once close enough to me, I grabbed one of his ears and twisted it around. Sombra yelped and the ear I was holding onto turned to smoke. He retreated to the other end of room, cradling his ear with a leg.
“You twisted maniac!” he exclaimed. “I told you not to do that, Steve! Ow! That really hurt!”
I stood up and crossed my arms. “I’m glad. You abandoned me, Sombra. You ran off without me and then teleported on your own. You couldn’t have included me in that little spell of yours?”
Sombra huffed out a breath. “First off, I didn’t abandon you. I simply left you behind not knowing for sure if Twilight and her friends would tear you to pieces or lock you up for all eternity. Secondly, I haven’t used any magic of worth for some time, so it’ll take a little practice to return to my original greatness. Teleporting, I’ve got a handle on. As well as the smoke stuff. But that’s mostly for show. And don’t forget who got us into this whole mess to begin with, Steve—handing me over to a bunch of complete strangers just because I killed a few hundred ponies a while ago.” He paused and took a hesitant step forward. “What have they been doing to you, Steve? I hope they haven’t given you over to the doctor yet.”
I shook my head. “So far, all I’ve done is talk to Twilight about a whole mess of stuff I really don’t believe. Somehow it involves distorted realities, monsters, humans, the ending of worlds, and even you , although how you’re responsible for all that, I haven’t a clue.”
Sombra grumbled. “Nothing but lies, Steve. I was right this whole time about Twilight and the rest. I should’ve known her original soft and warm exterior was nothing but a mask to keep the deep darkness that dwells within out of sight.”
Another alarming boom rang out further away from the center.
He came closer. “We need to leave this place, Steve. I managed to sneak into town and steal a whole pile of fireworks from a stand. Then I spiced them up a tad and let them loose on this place. It’ll distract them for a while, but not for long. All I know is, we need to get out of Equestria as fast as we can.”
I didn’t disagree with that.
***
After informing Sombra that Twilight left my spell book somewhere upstairs, he teleported us out of the doorless room and into the hallway a floor above. The new floor was near the same layout as the lower level—both sides of the hall were littered with dozens of locked rooms with doors and small windows. I peered into a few and found all types of ponies sprawled out in cramped padded rooms; some gently rocking in chairs, peering out their windows. Most appeared asleep or drugged into another dimension. I was sure a few even had colorful swirls in their eyes.
As we walked down the hall, a light-green mare waved at me through the glass on her door. When I waved back, she put both hooves to her mouth and giggled until she fell out of view.
Sombra walked next to me. “I don’t think your book’s on this floor, Steve. There’s nothing but more helpless saps stuck here. At least these ones got a window. Or a bed. Or a chair. Or a cup and ball to keep them entertained.”
I nodded. “We’ll check the last few rooms and then try the next floor. If Twilight took the book with her while she investigated the noise, then we’re screwed.”
One door at the very end of the hall stood open ajar. As quietly as I could, I glanced in and saw a unicorn mare with her back to me, her head down and reading off the light from a desk lamp. Propped open on the table was my spell book. Every few seconds, she’d turn to the side to make a note on a length of scroll with a quill.
Outside the door, Sombra whispered, “Your book in there?”
I knelt to him. “Yeah. Some mare’s reading it—not any of Twilight’s friends, either. It looks like she’s making notes.”
Sombra motioned towards the room. “Then go get it.”
“Why do I need to go get it?”
“Because it’s your book, Steve. And I’ve already bailed you out of one mess and brought you this far. So come on now and go pull your weight.”
I ran a hand over my face. “How? She’ll blast me the second I try and take it from her.”
Sombra frowned. “Were you always this daft, human? When she’s not looking, just hit her over the head with something. Knock her out. This really isn’t all that complicated, Steve.” He searched around and found a fallen piece of concrete from the ceiling. He levitated it into my hand. “Here, use this.”
I shut my eyes. “You can’t just put her to sleep with your horn or something? Twilight did something like that to me before.”
“As I told you, I’m still working on my old powers. But you know what would still put her to sleep, Steve?” He pointed to the piece of solid ceiling I was holding. “That rock in your hand—smashed into her skull with much force.”
I held out the rock to him. “Can’t you do it, instead?”
He shook his head. “No, Steve. It’s time to get your hands dirty. If you have any hope of getting out of this place alive, you’d better start showing some aggression. Twilight and her friends are trying to kill you , remember?”
I narrowed my eyes. “I don’t think that’s true, actually. I know they don’t like me much right now, but I still think it’s you they have a bone to pick with. Twilight said they’d send me back once they’re finished whatever they’re doing.”
Sombra growled. “L-I-E-S, Steve. How many times must you be fooled before you understand that? You can’t trust a single word that comes from their mouths.”
I really had no idea who I could trust anymore—the Twilight from Earth that’d started off all warm and fuzzy and then became some hollowed out version of herself, stripped to the barest of emotions, or the pony I’d called a pet for over half a year—the same one that’d left me to fend for myself against six angry mares. Maybe I shouldn’t trust anyone for a while.
I chuckled lightly. “Twilight said you were somehow going to save Equestria. That only you could save everyone.”
Sombra sat down on the floor. “The only thing I’m good at is conquering, Steve, not saving. All she’s doing is trying to confuse you. Remember, they’re the bad guys. We’re the good guys in all this.” He pointed at the rock again. “Now take that rock and smash in that pony’s skull with it, and then let’s get out of here already.”
Sighing bitterly, I eventually entered the room.
***
I held the heavy rock in my hand above her head for close to half a minute before Sombra intervened. By that point, a gentle bead of sweat trickled down my temple and my insides fought with themselves about just how to proceed. A big part of me knew it had to get my book back and hightail it out of this place. Another part honestly wondered how it’d live with itself after clobbering a tiny pony with a rock while her back was turned. To add to the difficulty, the unknown mare even hummed a quiet tune as she read and jotted down notes.
Thus far along my adventure, I hadn’t come into contact with a single pony that wasn’t at least the tiniest bit adorable. Were all Equestrian citizens born this way? Or were the less desirable ones sent to a remote location to live and to breed with their own kind? Perhaps a small stretch of land named “Less Adorable Town.” Tagline: “Still a step up from Ugly Town.”
For thirty seconds I stood motionless, besides the rock that trembled in my hand.
Clearly, Sombra must have had very little faith it me.
“Just do it, Steve! ” he screamed from the doorway.
The mare below me jumped in her seat and her horn shot off a tiny bolt of energy towards the ceiling. A moment later, a small chunk of concrete gave way where her spell had hit and came down, clocking her on the head. From there, the unicorn dropped atop her desk, snoring instantly.
I let the rock in my hand fall to the floor and gathered up my book from under her head. Before leaving, I whispered, “I’m sorry,” even if I knew she was well on her way to dream land by then. I knew I shouldn’t have felt as bad as I did, considering the predicament these ponies were placing me in, but still: talking, colorful ponies were cute and hitting them felt wrong.
But not Sombra, though. I was still okay with hitting him.
I’m sure the ghost of my cat would agree.
***
After reclaiming my book, Sombra and I teleported a good distance away from the center and traveled near the outskirts of town. While we ran, I could hear Twilight yelling to others over the loud booms that ripped across the quiet town. By the edge in her voice, she must have been a tad bit irritated by the sudden interruption.
Stopping behind a wide tree trunk, I dropped my book and started looking for a spell that might work. Whatever looked the most opposite of the spell that brought me here, I thought.
While I searched, Sombra glanced around nervously. “This place is so weird, Steve, you have no idea. I tried to get out of town after they chased us, but the whole area’s been encased inside a dome. It didn’t feel like Twilight’s magic, either—I still remember it from the night they took me. I also don’t think they placed it around strictly to try and trap us. I think it must have always been there, either to keep others out or the town inside.” He shivered. “I hate this place. I hate the outdoors, too. When we get back, I want takeout. A lot of it. And candy. I haven’t had a single sprinkle of sugar since I got here. I think I went through some type of withdrawal.”
I flipped to another page. “Could you shut up, please? I’m trying to—” Then I recalled something he’d just mentioned. “Did you say you tried to leave town? As in leave town without me?”
Sombra sat down on the grass. “I was going to see what changes befell my Empire, Steve. With any luck, I could have started an uprising and struck down that unicorn couple that blew me up into a thousand little pieces.”
I glared at him for a moment.
He huffed. “What? I’m sure some of my old citizens would have joined with me.”
I ran my finger down the page. “All right. This one seems… closest to what might work. And if it accidentally sends us to the moon, it’ll still be mounds less creepy and confusing than this place. So here goes nothing.”
Clearly my throat, I carefully enunciated each word. This time I didn’t skip a single syllable or stutter at all. It had to be perfect, I knew. At that moment, I wanted back home so bad I almost missed my drone-like work environment. Hell, even that was an understatement. If this spell worked, I’d go to work on Saturday and not even care if I got paid. At least there’d be no ponies chasing me around.
I finished the incantation and watched the area above the book where the portal should’ve appeared. Instead of a swirling mass of whites and grays, all I saw was the same brown bark in front of me. Confused, I went back to the book and looked it over.
I’d said each word correctly and in a timely fashion. I hadn’t stumbled a single time. Even if this wasn’t the right spell to get home, it should’ve done something to notify me a spell had been cast. Bemused, I fell to the grass and closed the book with a snap. Then the horrible notion of just why it hadn’t worked came to mind.
Sombra nudged me with a hoof. “Where’s the portal, Steve? I crave couches and snacks and less torture and madness.”
It was then that I spoke the oddest sentence in my life.
“I think if we want to create a portal back to Earth, we’re going to need to steal someone’s toaster."
Author's Note
As hard as it might be to believe, this story does actually have a "happy" ending. Even a cute one.
But not the Epilogue, though. Don't trust the Epilogue.
Sombra The Highly Unmotivated
“I’m hungry, Steve. Find me food. I want food and there’s none around. That should change. You should change that. Are you even listening to me, Steve? Steve? Steve! Argh. Sometimes I wonder if your mother gave birth to a deaf, incompetent fool instead of—”
I knelt down and pinched Sombra’s lips with my fingers, exhaling sharply and trying my best not to do a whole lot more to the pony. Since discovering my spell book hadn’t the electrical power to send us back to Earth, we’d been wandering around the darkened town that lay underneath the Rehabilitation Center. I’d been told it was called Ponyville. Most homes were pitch black and scarce few had lights still on inside. From alleyway to alleyway we crept, listening for the sounds of hooves on dirt or stone. The mission we were on was life or death, I told myself—if only Sombra was smart enough to realize it.
I jabbed a finger at him. “You need to shut up. Twilight and her pals could come down on us at any moment, and I for one, would rather be far, far away from here before the night is through. Wouldn’t you?”
Sombra sat on the ground and rubbed his belly. “But I feel empty, Steve. I’m not supposed to feel empty. I’m supposed to be full of chips and cheese and sugary goodness.”
I shook my head, embarrassed for us both. “Where did I go so wrong with you? I’ve really ruined you, haven’t I?”
Sombra lifted his head up. “I have no idea what you mean. I am a pony of royalty, so what I want, I get. And since you’re my slave, that means you need to get it. So go get it, slav— ”
I pinched his lips again, adding extra force. I grabbed his horn and tilted his head up. “You know, Sombra, I could leave you right now. I really could. I could find a toaster on my own, teleport my ass out of scary pony land, and then never bother to think of you again. I came here to bring you back with me because I actually missed you for some reason, but right now you’re not doing the greatest job of reminding me why I want to save your hairy butt.”
I let him go and Sombra frowned, staring at the ground.
“Twilight has no interest in me, but she does in you. And I doubt it’s good.”
Sombra spun around and kicked at a pebble. After strolling a few steps, he lazily came back. “So what do you want from me, Steve? An apology? More cute antics so you’ll bow to my every whim?” With a smack, he fell onto his back and hung all four legs in front of him. He made a trotting motion in mid-air. “This cute enough, then? Looking like some colt that can hardly stand?”
I went over and yanked him off the ground. Before I had a chance to speak, he leapt up and put both forelegs on my torso.
“How about this, Steve?” he said, extending his lower lip and lowering his brows. “I bet I could sound cute, too.” He lightened his voice as far as it would go. “Pllllllease , Steve! You wouldn’t abandon a poor, defenseless little pony, would you? Not when he depends on you for so much. Please, Steve, you’re my only hope.”
He brought his oversized head closer to mine and I shoved him away. When he landed, he started laughing hard enough to bang a hoof against the ground.
“I’ve got you so wrapped around my warped horn, you have no idea!” he exclaimed, barking out more chuckles. “You must be one lonely, lonely human, Steve, coming all this way for me. Or perhaps it was all those nights I spent whispering into your ear while you slept—what’s the term you humans use? Subliminal messages?”
I balled my hands into fists. “I knew that wasn’t coming from the vents.”
He waved a leg towards the head of the alley. “Come along, Steve. Let’s select a house and then enter. With any luck, that one will have something to eat as well as a toaster.”
I crossed my arms and remained where I stood. “Not until you apologize.”
Sombra glared at me, bemused. “We really don’t have time for this prattle.”
“I do. Do you , though, chosen one?”
He huffed. “I told you it’s all lies, Steve. Twilight’s a big fat liar full of lies. She opens her mouth and lies come out. Squeeze her too tight, she vomits out more lies. She’s practically brimming with them.”
“Well, they may be lies, but those lies still include you a whole lot more than they include me. And at the moment, you need me more than I need you. I could ditch you right now and find my own way back home, and I’m sure Twilight and her friends would welcome such a decision. But you , on the other hand—”
“Hoof,” Sombra interjected.
I shook my head. “I’m not doing that. What was I saying? Oh, yes. Without me, your royal ass is royally screwed. So either you apologize to me now, or I start walking in the opposite direction and rid myself of ponies for good.”
He giggled. “Come on, Steve, everyone should have ponies in their lives.”
“That’s not an apology, Sombra.”
“That’s because you won’t be getting one!” he spat. “I am a King, you lowlife cretin! I apologize to no one and make those less than me bow to my every whim. Don’t start thinking you are any different, Steve!”
His last statement echoed in the still night air. A soft breeze blew a bit of trash across the alley. By the time it passed, I was already well on my way. It felt good, like a weight lifted off my back. But how long would it be this time before I missed him again? Two months of empty condo and single-player games was all it took before. How little would it take the next time?
“Steve,” Sombra said. “Stop that, Steve.”
I said not a word and exited the alley, taking a sharp right and standing just out of view.
“Steve, you imbecile! Where do you think you’re going?”
From the sounds of his hooves on the ground, Sombra must have been pacing back and forth in a small circle. After a moment of pondering, he dashed in my direction and left the alley with his head down, panting. He turned to the left, then to the right and found me.
He narrowed his eyes. “Fine! You want an apology? Then I’m sorry , Steve. Sorry about everything! Whatever you want me to be sorry for, I am . All right? That good enough for you?”
I casually stepped toward him. “It’s a start. If you really mean it, that is. Now say ‘Thank you’ for coming to get you in the first place.”
Sombra grumbled and mumbled close to the ground, but eventually I thought I heard those two choice words part from his lips. It would have to do.
I told the mildly grumpy pony, “I’m sorry, too, then. I gave you away and tried to fool you about it. That wasn’t a great thing to do, even if I thought I was doing what was right. And I’ll also thank you for rescuing me after I rescued you. That makes us even, then.”
Sombra continued his inaudible rant and strolled in a circle. He’d called me a friend before, and I think he’d actually meant it. It was only his pride that got in the way of him acting like a decent and sane creature. Perhaps if he stuck around on Earth for another hundred years he might not act like a total dick. Too bad I’d be long in the grave by that moment in time.
He stretched out each leg hurriedly. “Fine. We good? We get all feelsy enough for you, Steve?”
“Sure. Let’s go.”
***
A faint glow on the tip of Sombra’s horn lit our way through the home we broke into. Well, maybe “broke into” was being a tad harsh. The door to the house we selected was unlocked and the welcome matt was out. Curious if most homes went unlocked, I dashed across the street to try their neighbor’s home. Unlocked as well. It was at that moment I discovered Equestria was oddly similar to Canada—warm greetings (besides Twilight and company), homes that never locked up even at night. Just replace all the humans in Canada with ponies and it would become the friendliest place in all the alternate worlds. I know I’d visit.
Once inside, I shut the door and found the kitchen on the right. I entered first and was about to grab at Sombra’s horn to help me see when he lit a nearby lamp, illuminating the cozy nook in a faint yellow glow.
“You know, Steve,” he said, “toasters might not have even been invented yet.”
I stood over the counter and searched. “I doubt they were around in your time, but they must have invented them by now. A thousand years and not a single pony wanted their slice of bread burnt to a crisp in mere seconds? If the greatest invention of all was sliced bread, then what followed should be the toasting of said sliced bread.”
“All right,” Sombra said uninterested behind me.
I heard the click of a door behind me and turned.
“What are you doing?”
Sombra pulled his head out of the refrigerator to glare at me. “I’m getting something to eat. I’m hungry and require sustenance. I will soon faint away should my stomach be deprived much longer.” He stuck his head back in. “Oh, look! A whole wheel of cheese. This’ll do for a start.”
He levitated the block of yellow cheese out and broke off a piece to float into his mouth. Chewing noisily, he tilted his head back in near ecstasy. “My stomach’s going to kill me for this after the doctor’s water-based diet plan, but I’ll suffer willingly. Thus far, I haven’t come across a single type of cheese I haven’t liked.”
I scanned the remainder of the counter and found the sink and an assorted jumble of kitchen-type knickknacks—cutting board, knife set, rolling pin, bread holder. I slid open the bread holder in hopes of something besides bread inside, but found only a fresh looking loaf instead. The moment I did, Sombra grabbed it with his horn and added it to his feast, which by that point included the cheese wheel, six tomato slices, four apples, a packet of peanut butter crackers, and now a whole loaf of bread that he roughly divided in two before stuffing it with bits of cheese.
He looked up at me, chewing vigorously. “If only they had a toaster, Steve. Then I could’ve made us grilled cheese.”
Tempted to slap the floating food away from him, I instead turned to the older stallion in pajamas that had just unexpectedly strolled into the kitchen, rubbing at both eyes.
Blinking heavily, he went from me to Sombra and then back to me. “Hello, friends. What can I do you for?”
It’s just like Canada , I thought again. Only without the hockey that displays Canadians’ true animalistic tendencies.
Sombra stopped eating long enough to look at me. In return, I shrugged.
The stallion chuckled. “I see someone needed a late night snack. You could’ve just asked and I would’ve fixed you up with something.”
I shook my head, trying to clear my thoughts. I knelt down to him. “Sorry about the… food thing. I promise I’ll pay you back if I can. But the bigger question is whether or not you have a toaster in your home.”
The stallion thought for a moment. “A what now ? A tea setter? Is that like a tea set, or something different?”
“No. Not like that. It’s like a metal box that you shove bread into.” I splayed my fingers around an invisible rectangle. “And then like a minute later, it shoots the bread back out all toasted and ready to eat. Do you happen to own one of those?”
The stallion put a hoof to his chin. “Can’t say that I do. But it sure sounds nifty.”
I shut my eyes, not exactly wanting to hear the answer to my question. “I highly doubt it, but would you happen to know if toasters even exist in Equestria?”
The stallion thought a few seconds more. “Why does that name sound so familiar now? Toasters…. toast -ers… Oh, that’s right! That’s what that new business was selling in town today. The Twenty-Four Hour Toaster Emporium, I believe it was called.”
I couldn’t rightfully believe this. “A store in Ponyville that specializes in toasters?”
He nodded vigorously. “Yep. Now I remember. Haven’t gone in yet, as it just opened up this afternoon, but if it does what you say it does, then I’d better give it a go as soon as I can.”
My heart skipped a beat. “It just opened up today?”
He smiled. “Just this afternoon—like right out of thin air! Shelves upon shelves of silver little contraptions. Some unicorn was running the place when I peaked through the window.”
I turned to Sombra who was still busy munching, but at a far more subdued level. “That sounds a little ominous, doesn’t it?”
Sombra nodded and took another bite of his stolen cheese sandwich.
The stallion noted the mound of crumbs forming on his floor. “You want a plate?”
With his mouth full, Sombra said, “No. Got anything to drink?”
The stallion made for the fridge, but I stopped him with a hand. “Which direction is this store?”
He pointed a leg towards the front of his home. “Dead center of town—just follow the street outside. Can’t miss it. Not with the billboards and everything.”
My heart skipped another beat.
The stallion poured Sombra a glass of milk and he took it without question, downing half in a single gulp. The stallion rubbed at his eyes again. “Say, you wouldn’t happen to be that dark unicorn everyone’s been looking for, would you? With the curved red horn and dark coat and long mane and red and green eyes and purple smoke and complete lack of respect or manners?”
Sombra spit out what milk remained in his mouth and choked on the rest. After pounding on his chest, he regarded the stallion wearily. “Now why would you think that?”
“Because you look exactly like the stallion I just described.”
Sombra hid himself behind what remained of his sandwich. “Well, then you must have me confused with my less handsome brother. He must be up to no good… again.”
The stallion took a step away from him to stare. Sombra’s cheeks flushed red as he quietly nibbled on an apple, trying his best to avert the stallion’s gaze.
After an uncomfortable amount of time, the stallion replied cheerfully, “All right. Just thought I’d ask. Good night, and please close the front door when you leave.”
With that said, the stallion left the kitchen and made his way back upstairs.
I wiped the sweat from my hair and exited the kitchen. “Let’s get out of here. We’ll check if that place actually exists and then we’ll decide on what to do next.”
Sombra belched. “Just after this cupcake, Steve. It has sprinkles and everything.”
I grabbed hold of his horn and dragged him from the house.
***
Sombra and I stood outside the shop for close to ten minutes before entering. The Twenty-Four Hour Toaster Emporium was indeed at the very center of town, as were the large awning surrounding the building and the garish decals and blinking lights that made it the largest eyesore around. In the quarter-mile from the overly nice stallion’s home, we’d passed no less than four billboards advertising for it. Each had the same grayish unicorn with black mane holding a shiny toaster by his side. He looked oddly happy to be showcasing such a new device to the denizens of Ponyville.
It was that same stallion I kept an eye on through the window. Inside the wide shop, he went back and forth between several racks of toasters, spitting on their sides before wiping them with a cloth. Once he was done, he went back behind his counter and remained fixated on the door, waiting for whatever customer came next. I couldn’t make it out completely from the distance, but I thought his butt tattoo was of a dark tornado and nothing like a toaster. Considering he’d opened up a twenty-four hour shop selling items ponies didn’t even know about, I thought the tattoo might have been symbolizing his bad choices in life.
I told Sombra, “This is probably a trap of some kind.”
Sombra had both forelegs against the glass. “Probably. But what else are we going to do? And even if it is a trap, we could always snatch a toaster up and get out of there before something really bad happens.”
I looked at him. “You know, it’s attitudes like those that keep getting us deeper into trouble.”
He replied sharply, “Then should we just try every other house in town and hope at least some pony’s gone and invented a toaster in their spare time?”
I held my spell book to my side and gripped it tight. I hadn’t the slightest idea what to expect once we entered.
A tiny bell sounded our arrival as the unicorn behind the counter placed both legs near the register. “Hello there! And welcome to The Twenty-Four Hour Toaster Emporium. We specialize in toasters and toaster related accessories. And it just so happens that you two are my very first customers of all, meaning that if you decided to buy one toaster today, you’ll get the second half-off. Talk about a warm bargain , am I right?”
The silence in the room was near deafening. I glanced to Sombra and he did the same. We both shared the same expression of something sour and revolting. Something about the unicorn’s voice made me shiver. Something familiar I couldn’t quite put my finger on.
I quickly waved a hand. “Thanks. We’re good. We’ll take a look around and let you know if we need anything.”
The unicorn smiled widely. “Don’t hesitate for a moment now. I just love helping others.”
I pulled Sombra with me behind a shelf of toasters and viewed them up and down. There must have been close to forty on both sides of the display, but every toaster looked exactly the same—silver and generic, almost like a cartoonish drawing of the most basic of types. Unperturbed, I set one down on the floor and flipped open my book.
With Sombra by my side, I whispered the incantation from before and waited for the portal. Sadly, none came to be and I cursed under my breath. Nothing could ever be easy, could it?
Sombra pointed a leg at the counter. “The display behind the unicorn has different types than these, Steve. Maybe one of them might work.”
Like a bolt of lightning, I understood. Not only did I need a toaster to make my way back to Earth, but I also needed a toaster of the same make and model as the one in my kitchen. That was the silly logic I was hoping held true, anyway.
But if that was the case, then that would mean I’d need to deal with…
“Need any help finding anything?” asked the unicorn pleasantly from near the register.
Sombra nudged me. “Go ahead, Steve. Ask for another one. Say you want to test it out or something.”
I grimaced. “Test out a toaster? What would you even…” Then the realization of how bizarre this whole trip had been up until now hit me like a hammer to the temple. I’d better start preparing for a whole third act of things that didn’t make sense, otherwise I was certain my mind would jump ship as soon as it could.
I put the toaster back. “Here goes something.”
As I neared the counter, I held my spell book to my leg and hopefully out of sight. The unicorn by the register never stopped smiling, and as I came closer, I started to make out the colors of his eyes—red pupils with a pool of yellow surrounding them. By the time I stood in front of him, my hands began trembling. When I saw how neither of his pupils stopped moving or changing shape, my mouth became a desert.
In the few hours since I’d seen him, doctor Discord had changed his appearance and opened up an entirely new business in the very heart of town. Now the burning question was whether or not he knew I knew it was him. For the time being, I went with not .
“Quite the setup you have here,” I mumbled out.
His grin widened, giving me a full view of each sharp tooth. “Why, thank you! I’m sure business will pick up soon. I’m sure once word spreads, all the humans waiting to leave Equestria will come running to get their toasted bread fix.” He cocked an eyebrow. “Is there a certain type of toaster you had in mind, perchance? I do have a large selection behind the counter.”
I rubbed the cover of my book with a thumb. “Whatever you think is best. Bring one down and I’ll have a closer look.”
Pony Discord climbed off the counter and surveyed the mammoth wall of various makes and models. Selecting one, he brought it down with his horn to set in front of me. Thankfully, by that time, I’d anxiously opened and memorized a spell I’d dog-eared previously.
Not too long ago, I said that hitting ponies was bad and you should feel bad for doing so. Sure, Discord was a pony for the moment, but I knew full fell what he truly was underneath. And I found that that something was very hittable, indeed.
With the same infectious grin, he came back to me, his pupils bouncing around the corners of his eyes like bits of snow in a snow globe. He turned his attention to the toaster he’d brought down.
“This one here’s an older model. Thin silver casing with three dozen steel coils inside. Unlike the standard two slot toasters, this one has—”
On the verge of vomiting from fear, I dropped my book to the floor and held out my palm outwards towards him. I then shouted the short list of hard to pronounce words as loud as I could, slicing effortlessly throughout the quiet store.
From the center of my palm erupted a swirling mass of red and yellow flames, shooting forth and enveloping the unicorn’s head all the way to the tip of his horn. The half-dozen toasters behind him crumpled and bent from the heat, and the wall behind those blackened instantly. The churning, destructive force from my hand lasted for ten seconds at most, and even from an arm’s length away, my shirt and hair became damp from the furnace-like heat and a blackened circle stained my skin.
When the raging fire came to a halt, I took my hand away and prepared to shield my eyes from what remained of the unicorn. Upon reflection, I shouldn’t have worried about it.
“—four slots to place your bread in, as well as over twelve different settings,” Discord finished, his pony features still fully intact and whole, besides a wash of blackened soot coating most of him. Even his damn grin couldn’t be torched away.
My guts twisted in a knot and I glanced down at my book again, wondering if I’d have enough time to try something else. When I looked back up, the original lengthy and tall Discord stood before me, a single sharp fang poking out from his sinister sneer. I still thought the black turtleneck Discord was the creepiest of them all.
“Hey there, Steve,” he said warmly. “Is now a good time to talk?”
Deflated, I sighed and held onto the counter with both hands. The sudden rush of heat and the appearance of the real Discord made me feel like I might faint.
I asked, “Do I have a choice?”
He angled his head. “Not really.”
“You! ” Sombra screamed out behind me. I heard him trot from behind the shelves and approach the counter. “I’ll mash your intestines between my teeth for what you did to me!”
Discord put a finger to his lips. “Whatever do you mean, my friend? I assure you, you were in the very best of care.”
From the corner of my eye, I saw Sombra leap into the air as Discord snapped his fingers. One loud pop noise later, a party balloon filled with a fairly pissed off Sombra floated towards the ceiling, bouncing once it hit.
“Let me out right now !” Sombra yelled. “I swear the moment I get out, I’ll destroy everything you hold—”
From underneath the counter, Discord brought out a remote control and pointed it at the floating Sombra-filled balloon. With a lion’s thumb, he lowered the volume until Sombra’s shrieks faded until all that remained was a gnashing, spitting muzzle. Sombra seemed not to care in the least, as he continued to vent and bounce around the ceiling.
Discord threw the remote behind him, exploding once out of sight. “Sorry, Sombra, but us grown ups need to chat for a bit.”
I pointed a trembling finger to him. “Look, all I want to do is get the hell out of Equestria. All right? So can you just give me the toaster I need, so I can leave this crazy little world? You know I shouldn’t be here. You said so yourself.”
Discord giggled. “Of course I know you shouldn’t be here, Steve. But the better question, I believe, is just where do you think you are?”
I felt cold from the question. “Equestria—land of ponies and sunshine and clear insanity.”
His slimy grin ate up his face. “Oh, my sweet summer child, you’re in Equestria, all right. You’re just not in the right one . You’re in the one that’s going to end soon. And how could I, in all good conscience, possibly let you leave before witnessing such an event?”
He snapped a pair of small espressos with foam near the register, sliding one over.
“So let’s talk.”
Sombra The Highly Unmotivated
As Sombra continued to bounce around the ceiling, Discord snapped a barstool underneath me and I was forced to sit. With his pinkie raised, Discord took a careful sip of his espresso, the foam on top leaving a pencil-thin mustache that he somehow twisted at both ends, giving his already horrible appearance an added punch. He nodded to my cup and I reluctantly drank. To my puzzlement, it was actually the best coffee-related beverage I’d ever had.
I set it back down. “If you want to talk, then let’s talk. Can you at least explain to me what’s going on around here? Perhaps in a less-cryptic way than I’ve been hearing so far?”
Discord chuckled. “I can try, sure, but no guarantees. Take what I say as truth, half-truth, or complete rubbish. That’s all up to you. But first, a question.” He leaned towards me to rest his head on a hand. “You read an incantation to get here, did you not?”
I stared at the bottom of my empty cup. I guess I’d liked it. “Yeah, that’s right.”
Discord snapped his claws and my cup refilled itself. “And I’ve just so politely informed you that this world is not, in fact, the real Equestria. So, Steve, what I’m wondering is just how you got here to begin with? Did you maybe… skip over a few words before you teleported between worlds?”
The fresh espresso sloshed around my gut. While on Earth, I’d received the note asking for help and then immediately opened the portal over my toaster. I’d read the words as best as I could; had I still managed to muck up a few of them? Somehow I’d become that guy that boards the wrong airplane, only to realize it once two-thousand feet in the air.
“So this… isn’t Equestria?” I eventually asked.
Discord leaned back in his own barstool, his cup perfectly balanced on the tip of a claw. “This is Equestria, yes, but it’s also not Equestria.”
I ran a hand over my face. “No. Please, no. Not more of this garbage-speak.”
Discord rolled his eyes. “Oh, you’re no fun, you know that? Fine.” He pointed at the floating and cursing Sombra-balloon hovering near the corner of the room. “When Sombra was defeated, he did not—as Twilight said—create a hole between the fabric of worlds. What he actually did, was create an entirely new Equestria—a perfect mirror image down to the last detail.”
I hesitated before asking, “So this is that Equestria, then. This is the mirror image one.”
He grinned. “Yes. Everything from the original Equestria was copy-slash-pasted and started anew right from when Sombra’s screaming face was engulfed by a blast of white light. And from there, the ponies from the original Equestria went off to have swell ol’ times and learn valuable life lessons complete with a song or two.” He paused. “And just between you and me, the original Twilight is actually a very nice mare, unlike the more troubled version stuck here.”
The idea was already too terrible to comprehend, but I had to ask. “So that means there’s a duplicate of Twilight and all her friends in an entirely different Equestria. Does that mean there’s another version of you back there, too?”
The foam-mustached creature smirked. “Oh, there’s only ever been one Discord, Steve. And he’s seated right in front of you now… and he’s also in the original Equestria, watching Fluttershy through the window as she feeds her little Angel—simultaneously contemplating which color lead-based paint to drop on Rainbow Dash’s head come the morning sun. It’s really a tricky question, considering her mane has so many colors already. I’m leaning towards dull gray. What say you?”
I thanked my lucky stars for the two cups of espresso allowing my brain to fire on all cylinders. As a man who’d barely understood the symbolism behind 2001: A Space Odyssey , I felt I was hardly keeping up with the facts with the complete lack of caffeine in my system.
He continued, “I knew the moment an entirely new Equestria was born. I felt it—suddenly a new me appeared to explore and to enjoy a near identical world. And oh, have I been enjoying this Equestria more than the others. All thanks to K. Sombra blowing up into a billion little pieces.” He winked. “He must be one powerful unicorn to cause such an effect, or he really must have gone out with a bang.”
Sombra, still stuck in the pinkish balloon, dogpaddled in the air until he came face to face with Discord. I was sure the profanities spewing from Sombra’s lips could’ve stripped wallpaper off the walls, yet all I heard was the tiny squeaks as his hooves clipped the sides of the balloon.
Discord absently flicked him back to the ceiling.
I hooked a thumb to the weightless party favor. “We can’t hear him. Can he hear us?”
Discord shook his head. “No. There’re a few things I wouldn’t want him overhearing. Might get a little overexcited and take things the wrong way.”
I nodded a single time. “All right.”
He brought another toaster down from the display and wiped at it with a dirty rag. “The only problem with this Equestria—besides the fact that it was never meant to exist—is that its barrier between worlds is much too thin. As I’m sure Twilight told you, things are coming here that aren’t supposed to be here at all. Humans, monsters… Steves.”
“I heard. Twilight said things might end at any time.”
“And she’s right!” he exclaimed, before a dreamy expression overtook his odd features. “Twilight is usually right about a lot of things. The Twilight from the original Equestria is quite different from the one that lives here. Hardship, it seems, has the ability to change even the most stubborn of mares. If only I could tell the original Twilight what her other self’s been up to…”
His lips curled into a grin at whatever he was thinking about.
I returned to my espresso and pretended not to notice.
Slowly, Discord came back to the present. “She’s lost a lot, the Twilight you’ve met. Her brother, his wife and most of the Crystal Empire are gone. Something no one saw coming erupted from the snow and in one large blast, took out everything surrounding it. By doing so, it destroyed itself and left any form of revenge obsolete.” He paused for a moment. “Twilight… my Twilight, hasn’t been the same since.”
I slowly set my cup down, my own worries and fears forgotten at the moment. I hadn’t known Twilight’s brother or his wife or even their existence at all, but if what Discord said was true, it was still family she’d lost, and in the most terrible of ways.
Discord counted on a hand. “Celestia was next—taking on an adversary with her sister while Twilight and the others battled something even larger. If those two creatures had attacked on different days, I’m sure the outcome would’ve been different, but that’s fate, is it not?”
He added another finger.
“Cloudsdale was evacuated before too much damage could take place, and it was the same for Canterlot, although there are still a few stragglers that survive in the castle ruins, sleeping in rubble.”
He lifted his hand to the window, the first rays of sun glimpsing over the horizon. A slight shimmer curved around the barely visible dome that sealed off the town.
Discord closed his hand into a fist. “When things only got worse, Twilight came to me to help. I created the barrier that protects what’s left of Ponyville, as well as all the displaced residents that now call it home. While those seven mares went to Earth to gift wrap Sombra and lug him back, I was sworn to protect all those here.” He lowered his stare. “And I did. I’m not saying I didn’t have any fun while doing so—like how I kept an eye on your little friend while Twilight and the rest continued construction—but I did as I was told. By that point in time, Twilight trusted me more than the Twilight on the real Equestria ever had.”
Placing both arms behind his head, he leaned back in his seat. “Don’t you understand how amazing this all is, Steve? To enjoy the near bliss of one ordinary Equestria, all the while getting to take part in the destruction of another? To someone like me, I’m practically tickled pink by it.”
He snapped his fingers and went a dozen shades of pink. When I didn’t respond, he snapped himself back.
“Twilight knows as well as I this isn’t the real Equestria. Or, well, not the one that’ll last forever, anyway. Since Sombra’s defeat, it’s taken a different path—one darker than most. One that does not end well.”
I held out both hands. “So what does she plan on doing, then? Using Sombra somehow to fix the barrier? I still don’t understand how that’s supposed to work.”
Discord flashed his yellow stained teeth. “Twilight has only been telling you what you need to know, Steve; half-truths and whole lies. Indeed, she does plan on using Sombra to save this Equestria, but not by fixing it. No. Something else entirely.” He slotted his fingers together. “Twilight wants to merge this Equestria with the original; the one that stands perfectly protected from all other universes. She believes that since it was Sombra’s defeat and banishment to Earth that created this unstable world to begin with, a ritual close to the same should be able to reunite those worlds again—in turn, reversing all the harm that’s happened already.”
With two fingers to my temple, I asked, “What do you mean, by 'ritual’?”
Discord oozed out giggles like sludge from a blocked pipe. “How ‘bout an example?” He reached underneath the counter and returned with a miniature Sombra figure, immaculate in every way. I don’t think I’d ever seen something so detailed in all my life. He held it out to me. “Can you, for a second, imagine this figure to be your little friend?”
“I think I’ll manage.” I looked away for a second to see where Sombra had floated off to, only to glimpse the edge of his balloon prison swaying around the door to the back room behind the display. I thought it best he not witness what I believed was coming next.
“Good.” He set the mini Sombra on the counter and lowered his head until it was level with it. He continued in a studious tone, “Sombra was pulled apart and tossed all around because of the Crystal Heart and the power of love, as cheesy as that sounds. Because of this, he flew out of your toaster and found the second love of his life: bad food and even worse television.”
I raised a finger to argue, but then thought better of it. It wasn’t wise to piss off a sociopath.
Discord waved a hand in front of the figure. “All Twilight and her friends wish to do is the exact same as before. Or would it be the exact opposite of that? I can’t remember it all; she likes to talk in her sleep, but it’s mostly gibberish anyways.” His toxic eyes looked up to me. “Where was I? Oh, yes. This is Sombra.”
With that said, Discord curled his eagle’s claw into a fist and slammed it down on the small figure, bits of clay and modeling material shooting across the counter and onto the carpet. The few legs and bits of face that remained, Discord smashed again until all that was left was mounds of black and gray dust. Each time Discord brought his hand back down, he made an explosion-like sound effect.
“Booooom! Blammo! Poooowwhhhh! Bssshhhhh! Ow, my face! ”
I let him continue for close to a minute before I loudly cleared my throat.
With dust-stained knuckles, he looked at me. Then he blushed. “Oops. Seems I lost track of myself for a moment.” He waved some of the Sombra figure off his hand. “This is disgusting. Let me clean this up.” Discord snapped a swirly straw out of thin air and went to work snorting the debris off the counter and into his nose. I had to turn away to keep from gagging. Once all the Sombra bits were removed, he snapped the straw away and ran a finger under his nostrils. “How impolite of me. Did you want a hit of that?”
I ignored the question and went on with something much simpler in mind—something Sombra had worried about right before all this gloom and doom had begun. It was just too ridiculous to be true.
“So they want to blow him up all over again,” I said bluntly. “Twilight and all the others are planning on taking Sombra and blowing him up just like they did the last time.” I shook my head. “You know what Sombra feared most about coming back to Equestria? Blowing up! And now that’s exactly what they plan on doing to him? Twilight told me before that that was a mistake to begin with, so now that’s exactly what they’re trying to do? I thought she’d have at least a little more compassion about killing someone twice over.”
Discord pinched the bridge of his nose. “You really are a very dumb human, Steve. And I’ve met like… four of them—including one who’d request a high-five every thirty seconds.” He brought his hands back to the counter and looked at me sternly. “This Equestria has been torn asunder by monsters not even I’d dare imagine. Many ponies have lost those close to them. Twilight has lost many; her brother, her sister in law, her mentor. How would you react knowing you could have them back? Would you truly care about the death of one lone pony? One pony King that didn’t even care about his own despicable deeds?”
I blinked rapidly, still trying to process this sudden influx of information. “But the real Twilight is still around, right? There’s a happy, cheery Twilight in the original Equestria, right?”
Discord nodded solemnly. “Yes, and that one’s been living a normal life ever since Sombra’s defeat. And the Twilight trapped here would like nothing more than to return to that life.”
“How?”
“By merging those two worlds, Steve; those two timelines . The normal world with the end of worlds. By undoing what was done, Twilight will become Twilight once more and all of this Equestria will cease to exist.”
“So there won’t be two Twilights hanging around in one Equestria?”
Discord waved a finger. “There shouldn’t be, if all goes to plan. All the duplicates here should merge with their original selves, hopefully forgetting all the horrors they’ve seen here. Maybe a nightmare or two from time to time.”
I tried to boil it down. “So Sombra dies again and Equestria returns to its original state; all the dead are back and everything returns to normal. Is that what Twilight wants to do?”
Discord’s grin touched his lips again. “More or less.”
“Then why are you telling me this? I’m Sombra’s friend and so far all I’ve done is try to protect him. Now you’re saying everyone around here wants to blow him up again. What do you get out of all this?”
“Everything ,” he moaned. “Every-Celestia-damn-thing is what I get. Chaos and misery. Hope and joy. That’s why I sent you that note to begin with. The vaguest of vague: help me! I knew you’d come, and I just knew you’d throw a wrench into the works.” Discord held a hand to his mouth as if sharing a secret. “How much fun would it have been, really, if Twilight’s plan went off without a hitch? There has to be some instability, Steve! Come on!”
Behind him, Sombra again tried to dogpaddle his way back into the room. Once Discord took notice, he grabbed a meter stick from behind him and batted him away. From inside the reddish balloon, Sombra fumed and screamed to no avail. A moment later he was gone again, somewhere in the back of the shop.
“But there’s always more than one way for all this to come to an end,” he said. “I could let fate decide where the pieces may fall. Or I could intervene, guaranteeing Twilight’s plan works perfectly. Or I could even assist you and your pet and help you out of this place for good.”
By our two conversations thus far, I wasn’t about to give Discord the smallest of strings to try and tug me with. He wasn’t the type that helped. He was the type that told you he was helping as he removed the knife from your back, only to then pour poison into the wound.
I told him, “I can’t see you doing…”
The words dropped from my mouth as Discord set down another toaster between us. It was silver and black with four slots and even a tiny dent on its side. When I’d purchased my toaster back on Earth, I’d dropped it while getting it out of the box. This toaster that sat before me looked exactly the same in every way.
And just like that, Discord found a string to tug me with.
“That’s—” I began.
“Not your toaster,” Discord interrupted. “But it’s rather close, isn’t it? Same make and model and ding and dang. And it’s the only one around.” He sniffed the top of it. “What’s that smell? Burnt English muffin?” He put both hands to its sides and lifted it up to investigate. “If I’m not mistaken, this little baby right here should send you home. Wasn’t that the plan all along, Steve?”
I unknowingly began reaching out for it. “Can I… can I have that, please?”
Discord smiled thinly. “I don’t know. Can you ?”
My fingers were mere centimeters from it—the one device in all of twisted Equestria that could send me home before the foretold apocalypse. “May I have that, please?”
Like an accordion, Discord slammed his hands together, crumpling the toaster into a rectangle of mashed silver and black, screws and coils tumbling to the floor. His thin smile turned into a full sneer as his eyes never left mine.
It was hard not to cry. Instead, I rather moaned out what little spirit was left in me. By that point, I’d rather have no hope at all than have it be given and later taken away.
My breath became heavy, and I glared up at him. “I hate you so much I want to write a poem about how much I hate you. And I don’t even know how to write poems, meaning I’d need to learn to write them first and then master the art before mailing them to you. That’s how much I hate you right now.”
Before I had a chance to react, Discord’s thin arms wrapped around mine and pulled me in for a hug. One hand patted me softly. “Oh, come now, human Steve. Things can always get worse. You might think life’s rough now, but in a few days time, it might get even worse. So maybe you should look at this moment as the high point in your life. Feeling better?”
“No.”
Discord pulled away from me and held both of my hands in his, like my Grandma used to do when I’d visit her as a child. “I can tell that you and I are going to be the very best of friends by the end of all this.”
“I highly doubt that.” I tried to pull my hands away, but he held on tight.
Discord raised a brow. “Or, if you want, I could always snap my fingers and teleport you both back home right now. It would be simple, really. And all I’d ask in return is one teeny, tiny little favor from you.”
“I’m not falling for that anymore.”
He squeezed my hands. “Just one more. Please? It’s a good one.”
Since I had little option otherwise… “What’s the favor?”
“That you let me come and crash on that lumpy couch of yours. Wouldn’t that be fun, Steve? Sombra and I living in your condo forever, bugging you every moment of every day until you pass from this life? Unless you don’t like me for some reason. But that’s preposterous. Everyone likes me.” He leaned forward. “So whaddya say, roomy?”
How clear it all became, like a splash of ice water dumped atop the brain. I now had a decision to make, although both outcomes pretty much ended the same. I could say no and remain in alt-Equestria until doomsday, perhaps buying myself a week or two at best. Or I could agree to let Discord live in my home and eventually die, either murdered in my sleep because he got bored or dead by my own hands when I finally had enough of him. Either way, I gave it a day at most.
What would I even tell my parents?
Dear parents,
I regret to inform you I’ve decided to commit suicide. For seven months I’ve lived with a talking unicorn and then a few days ago another creature from an alternate dimension took over my home. I don’t think I need to say more. Sorry.
Love, Steve (P.S. Don’t look at my computer.)
They’d probably chalk it up to drugs or violent videogames somehow.
Discord waved his fingers. “Did I lose you for a second? I’m sure we could get along. And I also have a black-light poster that would just look smashing over the fireplace.”
“I don’t own a fireplace.”
He snorted. “Well, that’ll need to change, now, won’t it?”
By that point, my hands had become sweaty enough to slip out from his grasp. “Thanks, but no thanks. I’d rather take my chances on planet crazy. Not living with planet crazy.”
Discord shrugged. “Your loss. And I didn’t even mention my Margarita machine.”
He snapped his fingers and something popped in the backroom, followed by a smack on the ground.
“Ow! Steve, I’ve hit my head! I landed right on my horn! Gods, that hurts!”
“That’s nice, Sombra,” I mumbled, keeping my head down and trying to figure out which direction to go from here. Obviously, we’d need to run. Get away from this town and away from all Twilights and Discords. Maybe we could bribe a group of unicorns into sending us back. But with what? Could Sombra force them to? And would they even be willing, considering he might be the only hope they had to save their world?
Sombra called from the back. “Steve? You still there? I’ve… hey, a piece of candy.” He gobbled something. “Someone left a piece of candy on the floor, Steve! And there’s another one! I’m going to eat it.”
Discord spent his time drinking from his cup. “Sombra really shouldn’t be taking candy from strangers.”
Still fathoming possible solutions to our plight, I ignored them both. I really shouldn’t have.
Out of sight, Sombra ate something else. “There’s a whole bunch of them, Steve! And they seem to be in a row—as if leading somewhere. I’m going to see where this goes and continue eating. This is really good floor chocolate. And there’s even more by the door.”
By the time my musing went in the direction of spell books and if others could be found in town, I already knew I’d made a mistake. I listened for Sombra and heard nothing. Not even chewing.
I turned to Discord. “It’s a trap, isn’t it?”
He rolled his eyes and took another sip. “Of course it is, Steve.”
Grabbing my book from the floor, I ran into the back and around the stacks of opened toaster boxes. I shoved through the backdoor. What awaited me outside was about as grim as it got.
“I’ve made a mistake, Steve,” Sombra said, once again inside a sealed bubble.
Twilight and her five friends stood side by side, each pair of eyes downcast and half open. None looked all too pleased to be seeing me again, or of what they were doing. Twilight came forward and growled, “This ends now, Steve. I won’t have you messing with our plans anymore. Too much is at stake here and already too much has been lost. I will not lose Sombra again.”
In a flash of white, Discord appeared by her side, wrapping an arm around her.
“And how’s my little sweetie doing? I see you’ve met Sombra and Steve.”
Twilight wouldn’t take her eyes from me. “Thank you, Discord. We needed Sombra back as soon as we could.”
Discord wrapped his neck around her, his face nearly touching hers. “Doesn’t this deserve a kiss, Ms. Sparkle?”
Twilight shut her eyes. “Now is not the time for that, Discord.”
Ignoring her wishes, Discord kissed her cheek anyways and returned to standing by her side. He muttered under his breath, “And to think… all it took to get us together was the end of the world.”
Twilight said to me, “You will not see Sombra again, Steve. Or any of us. Once a group of unicorns is ready for you, you’ll be returned home. Forget all that you’ve seen. Your part in this is over.”
Twilight’s eyes erupted in a bright glow, and her and her five friends levitated in the air. Another blast of light later, Sombra and the six of them were gone, leaving Discord by himself.
He clapped his hands together. “That was sure fun, eh , Steve?”
I balled my fists. “Where did they take him?!”
Discord began walking away from me. “I’m not going to give you all the answers, Steve.”
I made to go after him, but found two heavy hooves on my shoulders, pinning me in place. My stomach dropped.
“Hello again, Steve,” Luna whispered into my ear. “I’ll be looking after you from here on out, so I wouldn’t try anything fool—”
Before she could finish her sentence, I yelled out the teleportation spell from my book, concentrating on the only other part of town I could visibly recall. Once standing alone in the grass, I couldn’t help but chuckle despite the circumstances.
From here on out , I thought, I should always react midsentence .
I turned and found the tiny clubhouse I’d landed in butt-first the day before. With any luck, I could hide in there for a while and get some sleep before deciding on where to go next.
It would only be a couple of hours before I was found again.
Author's Note
Deleted scene:
"...anything foolish," Luna finished smugly, before Steve disappeared from her grasp. Realizing she'd managed to screw up the only thing she was tasked with doing that night, she sighed heavily. "Well, fuck you too, Stove."
Sombra The Highly Unmotivated
I lifted my tea cup to my lips and made a slurping sound with pinkie raised and chin held high. As I’d been told, these were the rules for Royal Tea Time. Since this had been going on for close to an hour, I must’ve drunk four dozen cups of invisible tea already. If my cup had actually been filled with the drink, I might have overdosed by now.
As I nibbled on a muffin Apple Bloom brought from her kitchen, Sweetie Belle passed the empty tea pot around again, filling all four cups complete with pouring sound. It seemed by that point I’d become desensitized to overwhelming levels of cute, as my heart chugged along without much pause. I still kept on my guard, though, in case an impromptu song broke out between the three of them.
Maybe that’s something that only happens in the real Equestria , I thought coldly.
“So… what do you all think is outside of town right now? Beyond the barrier, I mean.” It was difficult putting the right words together.
Apple Bloom looked uninterested in the question. “My sister says there ain’t much of anything out there. But that’s all right. Everyone I know is in town. Plus, Applejack told me she’s gonna fix whatever’s happening.” She smiled. “My sister always has a way of fixing things.”
By the responses to my questions thus far, it was clear Twilight and the others had been keeping the younger ponies mostly in the dark about what was happening to their world. Obviously for the best. Then I wondered who outside Twilight’s circle of mares even knew what they’d had planned. I doubted it was all that many.
“I’m sure she does,” I replied, leaning to the side to get a good view out the window. Every few minutes, I’d look, scanning the grass and area below the clubhouse for Luna. Considering how I’d brushed her off the night before, I doubted our reunion would be all that gentle. A hard hoof to the jaw didn’t sound as relaxing as Royal Tea Time.
Sweetie Belle came around the table with the teapot. “More tea, Steve?”
I covered my cup. “My cup’s still full.”
“No, it’s not.”
I didn’t argue; only watched as she poured out more nothingness. She smiled from ear to ear as I blew on the invisible liquid.
I leaned back in my chair with my tea. “Any ideas where your sisters might have gone last night?”
Sweetie Belle sat down and stirred her make-believe drink with a spoon. “Wherever she went, she must have been in a hurry. All she told me was that I was staying with Apple Bloom for a while. Although, she did bring a jacket with her.”
I cocked a brow. “Ponies wear jackets?”
“If it’s cold enough.”
Good answer.
I turned to Apple Bloom. “Then do you have any idea where Applejack went?”
“The Crystal Empire,” she said plainly. “Or would it be the new Crystal Empire? I reckon that’s what they’d call it now.”
I spat out my mouthful of nothing. “I heard it was destroyed, like, wiped out completely.”
Apple Bloom frowned slightly. “Where did you hear that, Steve? Twilight told me it only needed a little repair, is all. That’s why the six of them spent so much time there the last few months.”
It was all clicking into place. Twilight wanted to replicate what created this Equestria to begin with, meaning a Crystal Empire had to exist before Sombra could be destroyed again. Now came a rather important query.
I took another bite of my muffin. (It was really good, by the way.) “How have they been getting there? It’s far away from here, right?”
Scootaloo ran a hoof around her cup. So far, she’d been a lot less enthused about Royal Tea Time than the other two. “It’s in the frozen north. We went there once. It was fun, but not… amazingly fun or anything. Mostly, it was really, really shiny.”
“Shiny…” I mused. “All right.”
Apple Bloom held her cup on a hoof. “Twilight teleports them there. She’s awful good at it. Heck, she’s good at all sorts o’ magical stuff.”
I felt as if I’d reached the end of the line. “Is that the only way of getting there?”
Sweetie Belle came around with a feather duster, brushing away real crumbs and invisible crumbs both. “You could always walk there. Or run. Or trot. Or hustle.”
“Or fly,” Scootaloo added.
Sweetie Belle nodded. “Or fly. Or bike ride. Or take the train. Or get smacked by a blast of energy and soar thousands of feet in the air and—”
I plucked up the unicorn and set her on the table in front of me. “Did you say ‘train’? As in there’s a train that goes all the way to the Crystal Empire?”
She scooted around the tabletop, still brushing away. “Of course, Steve. There’s always been a train to the Empire. Something broke the part near the end, but I think that’s what Rarity and her friends were working on.”
Maybe all was not lost. “Is the train station in Ponyville?”
Sweetie Belle nodded, humming a gentle tune as she worked.
“Any idea if it’s running, yet?”
Apple Bloom stood and began gathering the cups and saucers. “I’m not sure, really. Applejack told me it would be soon—that a whole bunch of ponies and humans would be invited there for some big event. Why you so interested, Steve? You’re not sick of Ponyville already, are you?”
She looked up to me and pouted, her large eyes taking on a glass-like shine.
I pounded on my chest to keep my heart from stopping. “No. Nothing like that. Ponyville’s… swell. Sure it is. And you three are super nice and cute.”
All three fillies turned to me, eyes wide and mouths agape. A hug was impending, I knew. I could see it in the far reaches of their adorably big eyes—like some boogeyman in a closet, waiting for the lights to turn off. Instead of resisting, I let them come. Three sets of hooves wrapped around my legs and I tasted copper. My body wasn’t entirely ready for filly hugs, it seemed.
Without looking down, I ruffled each of their manes.
Scootaloo looked up to me. “Steve, could you… maybe… I mean if you wouldn’t mind…”
I’d already done the deed four times since being discovered asleep in their clubhouse, but I thought one final time couldn’t hurt. It wasn’t like I was about to throw my back out or anything.
“Okay. Last time, so make it count.”
With two hands, I carefully picked up the pegasus and held her close to the ceiling. When she started beating her wings, I lazily zipped her around the room, adding my own whooshes and propeller noises. Scootaloo held out both legs in a flying pose and I brought her from the ceiling to the floor in a series of wide arcs.
As hard as she tried to keep a straight face during her exhilarating flight, she couldn’t help but smile and laugh, especially as I chased Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom around the room. Apple Bloom even held out a small flag to pass under, as we looped the small clubhouse over and again.
Scootaloo beat her tiny wings harder than usual and I could swear she began lifting out from my grip. From this came a rather dark thought. When learning how to ride a bike, my father had guided my handlebars until I’d picked up enough speed. When he let go, I was forced to pedal and steer or crash into the street. Could I do the same with this struggling pegasus by throwing her out the window? Fly or fall?
In the center of the room, I set her back down. She started jumping up and down, giggling. “Can we do that again, Steve? Please, please, please!”
I shook my head and glanced at the open window. “Better not. I think I’ve been spending too much time with a certain dark pony. I’m afraid he might be having a bad influence on me.”
It was hard, but eventually I exited their small tree house. Before I left, the three of them made me promise I’d come visit them again. Of course, I lied and said that I would.
On the grass, I waved them goodbye and tried my best to smile back. It was hard. Those three deserved a better world to live in than this one. They deserved the real Equestria with all its supposed wonders and delights. Not the horrors that were slowly breaking this version apart bit by bit.
But for that to happen, Sombra would need to die. And I still considered him a friend.
I needed more time to think.
***
The Ponyville train station was easy to find. The train’s whistle screamed out every few minutes, and a trail of puffy white clouds puffed up from its chimney. As I walked, I watched the skies and followed the only path there. It was a crowded path.
Dozens of eager ponies trotted next to me as they made their way to the boarding track, eager faces all. Small groups whispered between themselves, though none looked all that shocked by my being there. Humans, it seemed, had become a regular sight around town.
I leaned towards a waiting mare. “You, uh, going to the Crystal Empire?”
Instead of giving me a look that read No, I’m actually standing here for no reason at all and plan on taking a different train that doesn’t exist because I can totally do that , she flashed me a smile.
“You betcha! And I just can’t wait to get there.” She ran a hoof through her mane and lowered her voice. “Just between you and me, any excuse to get out of town will do. Ponyville’s been pretty crowded lately, and a little weird.”
I angled my head. “You don’t say?”
She smiled again. “But I did just say! Didn’t you hear? Never mind. I’m just so excited I can barely keep still.” She tapped her hooves against the planks.
A sour thought occurred to me. I pointed at the idle train cars in front of us. “Are there still tickets available?”
The mare waved a leg. “No tickets for this train. They’ll take as many as can fit. I heard there’s going to be a big show at the Crystal Empire, including a little play with Twilight and the other Elements.”
“What else have you heard?”
She thought, still tapping away with her hoof. Her eyes opened wide. “Fireworks! At the end of the ceremony, there’s going to be a giant boom with pretty colors and lights. It’ll be nice to see, especially after all that’s been happening recently.” She tried for another smile—a thinner one than before.
“Sombra the firework,” I mumbled. “I don’t think he’ll like that too much.”
She put a hoof on my arm. “What do you mean? Everyone likes fireworks. It’s a scientifically proven fact.”
As much as I wanted her to cite her sources, the doors to every train car opened in front of us and I was pushed inside by the wall of anxious ponies behind me. It was a miracle I didn’t trip and squish a few of them underneath me.
If only I’d noticed the dark blue mare watching me from the other side of the platform.
***
The train had over a dozen cars, and each one held anywhere from forty to fifty ponies. Many crammed together to make more room, leaving several standing in the aisle. None seemed all that bothered by it. Tiny fillies and colts clung to their parents’ sides and stared out the windows as the train began its sluggish chug from the station. Even before the doors closed and everyone found a place to sit or stand, the train blared its horn and was on its way.
Apparently, even the conductor was in a hurry to get out of town.
Since I was one of the first shoved aboard, I got a middle seat near the back of the car. In the first ten minutes of my journey, I’d received four requests for pictures, each time debating whether to flash a peace sign or a thumbs up next to the requester’s head. Most got a thumbs up.
That was when something I hadn’t yet seen in this world entered the train car and sat down beside me.
“My name’s Bob,” the man said, holding out his hand.
I shook it and gave him my name. He chuckled as he relaxed in his seat, surveying the pony-filled car. He must have been around my age or a few years older. He had the carefree speech of a person locked in a dream. Maybe that’s where he thought he was.
Bob raised his eyebrows. “Pretty weird, isn’t it?”
I nodded. “Yeah, it is. You’re also the first human I’ve met so far. Are there others on the train?”
“A few. Not too many, though. I came in contact with an electrical box when I came here. A big ol’ white light spilled over me and then ponies, ponies, ponies. If this is Heaven, then it isn’t at all like the one I read about.”
“I don’t think this is Heaven. Or even a duplicate of one.”
He leaned closer to me. “What’s that now?”
“Never mind.” I thought for a moment. “A toaster sent me here.”
Bob brightened at that. “No kidding? What’d you set it to? Eleven?”
I chuckled, more for his benefit than the joke’s.
He hastily glanced from side to side, a faint smirk on his lips. “How many ponies you meet so far, Steve?”
I roughly counted in my head. “Eight or nine. Haven’t spoken to them all; not all of them were very nice, either.”
Bob nodded. “How close you get to them?”
I didn’t like where this was going. “You mean… distance wise?”
Bob held out a hand. “I’m not trying to get all weird on you—this whole scene’s weird enough, as is—but, I mean, since we’re stuck here and all… and with the choices as thin as they are, you think you’d ever…?”
He angled his head and, just like that, I knew what he’d meant. I wished I hadn’t. I knew it was something wrong. Or in this case: very wrong.
Of all the seats in all the cars in all the trains, this guy needs to pick the seat next to mine. Discord was right all along. Things could always get worse.
I smiled back at him—no teeth, only lips. “How long have you been in this world, Bob?”
“Three days.”
“I see.” I clamped down until my teeth hurt. “And already you’re thinking about what I think you’re thinking about?”
It was clear Bob saw right through my dumb grin. He exhaled loudly. “What? So you’re saying you haven’t thought about it at all?”
“Nope.”
“Really?”
“Yes.”
“Really? ”
“Yes, really. You’re weird and that’s all there is to it.”
Bob crossed his arms. “What other choice is there , Steve? We’re stuck on a planet of ponies! Talking ones! You better be prepared to lower your standards, friend, otherwise you might spend most of your time here alone.”
I put my palms to my temples, a headache on the way. I turned to Bob and searched for hints of red and yellow in his eyes. Nope. Not even Discord could be this surreal.
I raised a hand. “Here’s a thought, Bob. Considering the two of us have met, could there in fact be other humans around these parts? Here, let me test this theory for us.”
I carefully maneuvered around all the ponies standing in the aisles to get to the door between cars. It was simple to spot the humans in the bunch, less colorful and several feet taller. The cart I looked into had two human males and a single female who sat closest to the door. She was busy chatting away to a yellow mare.
I yelled back to Bob, not caring if I made a scene. “Found one, Bob! Right around your age and everything. Doesn’t look like you’ll need to lower your standards. What a relief, right? Before you did something you’d come to regret?”
Bob’s face turned the color of a tomato as he got off his seat and hustled over to me. He peered over my shoulder and into the next car. “Okay, fine. There’s one woman. Congrats, you found one. But I highly doubt she’s all that interested in men here—more than likely has a guy back on Earth. Married or something.”
I could’ve ended it there. But I really felt the urge to brutally pester someone after I’d been brutally pestered previously.
I slid open the door between the cars and looked at the woman seated there.
“You single?”
She blushed and thought for a while, eyeing my head to my shoes. “Um, yes. I guess so. Why?”
“Good. Would you have a drink with this guy?” I hooked an arm around Bob and held him next to me.
The woman gave him the same up and down look, then shrugged. “He seems all right. Sure, why not. I mean, not a lot of options around here, right?”
I slapped Bob’s shoulder. “See? There you go. A nice, normal girl just for you.”
With a forceful hand, Bob shoved away from me and went back into the other car. He stopped to stare out one of the windows. “I’m not interested.”
I glared at the back of his head. “Really?”
“Yeah. I… don’t like her hair. Too brown. Not a fan of brunettes.”
I was tempted to slap his head. “You just want to have a relationship with a pony, don’t you?”
For a very long time Bob stood motionless, peering out the window as the hillside scenery rolled along. When he turned back, a single tear had edged out one eye. “Can you blame me, Steve? Every single one of them is so much nicer than the women back on Earth.”
Things can always get worse, I reflected.
I opened my mouth to speak, but nothing came to mind. I knew I’d gone too far with this.
“I’m going to sit somewhere else.” Bob went in the opposite direction and disappeared into the next car. Eventually, I returned to my seat and glanced around the room.
“What the hell just happened?”
***
The sun prepared to dip below the horizon as the view outside went from lush hills of green to long stretches of barren brown dirt. Rocky mountains in the far distance were shattered in half and scorched around their peaks. I wondered if that was normal in Equestria. Probably not.
The gentle hum of the train engine helped abate my nerves. For hours, all I did was stare out the windows and answer the trickle of questions from ponies that came up to me, interested in human culture. One even had an autograph book loaded with human autographs. While I wasn’t a hundred percent sure, I thought the name next to mine looked an awful lot like Willie Nelson. I’d believe it, too.
As peaceful a time as I’d been having, I was soon reminded that wasn’t the way things worked around here.
“Ticket, please.”
I looked up and wasn’t all that surprised. Discord, clad in a blue and gold conductor’s uniform held out a hand to me. I returned to soaking in the sights.
Discord crossed his arms. “What? That’s it?” He turned my head to look at him. “These clothes don’t just manifest on their own, Steve! I need to snap my fingers to get them, and they’re not only to help me stay in character, they’re for your enjoyment, too. So enjoy them ! And then tell me how much you like them.”
I batted his hand away. “Is Twilight with you?”
Shoving the pony seated next to me to the side, Discord sat and crossed one leg over the other. “No. She and her friends are already at the Crystal Empire. They’ve been there since last night.”
I lowered my head to my lap. I’d only been in Equestria for a couple of days, but already I was tired of its repetitive nature. Each step forward, I was forced two steps back—most of those steps Discord-related. And now I couldn’t even enjoy a gentle train ride to get my thoughts back in order.
“Are you here to screw me over again?”
He chuckled. “I’ll have you know that hurts, Steve. Is that all you think I do?”
I scowled at him.
He waved it off. “Thankfully, I’m made of thicker material than most, otherwise I’d be offended by that.” He retrieved a gold pocket watch from his breast pocket, briefly viewing the time before snapping it shut. “Everything will be ending soon.”
I returned my head to my lap. “I figured as much.”
He put a hand on my shoulder. “If it makes you feel any better, Sombra won’t know a single thing until the very end.”
I roughly clicked up teeth together. “He’s been tortured, hunted, and carried around in bubbles ever since he got here. I have a feeling he knows something bad is waiting for him at the end of all this.”
“Or maybe he’s been given a job offer.”
“Pony firework isn’t a job,” I growled. “Neither is Exploding Pony No. 1 in whatever demented play Twilight’s been putting together. No matter which way you spin it, Discord, Sombra’s going to suffer and die and that’s the only way I’ll be seeing it.”
Discord yanked on my shirt until I sat up.
“Sit up straight, Steve. You’ll only damage your spine sitting like that. Unlike mine, which can do everything.” He twisted his torso until he came back around, giving his body the look of a twisted washcloth. “Sombra’s going to become King again. Isn’t that good news?”
I searched the small car for another available seat. I knew the strange creature would only follow me there, but I’d more than welcome the thirty seconds of silence or so it would bring.
“I doubt it,” I replied, “since it’s a lie or a fib or something not even close to what it sounds.”
Discord propped his elbow on the pony next to him. The pony in question frowned deeply, but seemed to accept his fate as pony armrest well enough. “Because Sombra needs to act out his part, Twilight will crown him King again and give back all that’s left of the Empire. She’ll tell him about the real Equestria, and how this one isn’t meant to last. Then she’ll tell him it was his destiny to rule over the first Equestria; to lead them all towards victory, whatever the costs.”
I thought I saw an empty seat across the car, but a pony snatched it up before I could stand. “He’d never fall for it. Sombra’s pretty dumb, but he’s not that dumb. He’s called Twilight a liar more times than I could remember.”
Discord rapped his fingers against the pony’s head. “But wouldn’t he be more inclined to fall for it if it’s something he wants? To rule again. To hurt and destroy again. The chance to take over an entire world—get revenge on those that defeated him?”
I honestly didn’t know how Sombra would react to that. He’d been a horribly lazy pony back on Earth, but he’d never completely cast aside his villainous role. Could he truly be tricked after all that’d happened? Considering I was sitting in a train filled with talking ponies and a living, breathing cheat-code, I thought that absolutely anything was possible.
Outside the car windows, the last rays of sun disappeared behind the gray mountains.
I abruptly turned to him. “Why are you even here? Why haven’t you just snapped yourself to the Crystal Empire?”
“Because I like train rides.” Discord pumped his arm and the train whistle went off each time. “And more than that, I like annoying you. And also to give you a warning.”
“I’m already full of those, thanks.”
“You sure? I think it’ll help.”
I pondered. “Will you leave me alone if I listen?”
“Sure. Here’s my advice: change cars.”
“Why?”
He grabbed my shoulder and pointed an eagle’s claw at the door to the next car. Just as my eyes found hers, Luna’s found mine. Through her nostrils, she huffed against the glass.
“Because Luna looks pissed.”
***
Once again, I was running for my life, only this time, I had to scramble around dozens of small ponies while trying my best not to shout. I shoved and nudged fellow commuters to the sides and said ‘Excuse me’ on loop. Back on Earth, I would have called Luna cold and intimidating. Now, as I heard her hooves dent the floor right behind me, I’d call her plain old terrifying.
I entered the fourth car and began the task of trudging through. Halfway across, I hurried a glance behind me to see how close she had come. To my surprise, I found no Luna at all.
“That can’t be good,” I whispered, as something popped right in front of me.
I turned and cringed, my awkward escape brutally cut short. Luna stood facing the opposite direction, both back legs up and spring-loaded to buck. This was going to hurt.
“Ouff! ”
Two hardened hooves slammed into my chest and I sailed through the air, landing atop a half-dozen startled ponies. Miraculously, not a single one of them was a unicorn, otherwise “Steve’s Continued Adventures In Horrible Equestria” might have come to an unsatisfying conclusion, as he impaled himself on a pony’s horn.
Spread out along the floor, I stared at the ceiling and tried to force air back into my lungs. A few bruises? Without question. Broken ribs? Left to be seen.
Luna came to stand over me. “You left me with little recourse, Steve. I feel no pity for you, and if I must speak the truth, I could have hit you much harder than what I did.”
I moaned and nodded, softly cradling my torso. I would’ve agreed with anything she’d said at that moment, as long as it meant she wouldn’t hit me again.
“Stand, Steve,” she said, “and let us be done with this.”
A blue aura wrapped around my shoulders and I was brought to my feet. When my legs buckled, I used Luna for support as she quietly grumbled. I coughed and felt along my ribs for a crack. Finding no broken bones, I felt a little more at ease. Not by much.
Luna put a leg around my middle. “Prepare yourself. I no longer wish to be in the company of others.”
I turned to her. “Prepare for—”
Pop!
A cold rush of wind pulled at my face and clothes, my sweatshirt rippling in the air. Luna had teleported us to the roof of the train, its steady chugs much louder outside. The entire sky was black, save for the half-moon giving a milky shine to the mountain tops in the distance.
I lowered to the roof to keep balance. Luna spent her time staring at the moon, along with the thousands of stars dotting the night sky.
I yelled to her above the wind, “Well, now what?”
She didn’t turn to me. “I will return you back to Ponyville in a moment, Steve. I only wish to enjoy the night’s splendor for a while. It has been too long since I have had a chance to watch it and critique.” With her horn, she moved the crescent moon the faintest of hairs to the side. Then she shook her head and put it back. “I was correct before. ‘Tis a fine location.”
Still sore, I sat down with an arm around my chest. “Celestia was your sister, right?”
Luna watched her stars. “Yes. She was.”
“I’m sorry about what happened. I’m sorry that you lost her.”
Luna stomped a hoof against the train. “But she is not lost, Steve. She only needs to be found again. Once Twilight’s plan is complete, I will be reunited with my sister and free from this world.”
Reluctantly, I got back to my feet and made my way to her. Luna was standing at the very edge of the final train car, her hooves less than an inch from the side. I remained a few feet behind her.
“But Luna already has her sister—in the original Equestria. And if you merge with her, you won’t remember a thing about this place.”
She shook her head. “You do not know that. Neither does Twilight—not entirely.”
I exhaled roughly. “It’s suicide, Luna! That’s all it is! Twilight’s plan works and you successfully blow up Sombra again. What do you get out of that? Nothing but the end of this world.”
“This horrible world,” she spat.
“Granted. Sure. Whatever. But that still doesn’t change the basic premise here. This world ends and you merge with yourself, forgetting everything in the process. All that means is that this version of you ceases to exist.”
“No, Steve,” she answered calmly. “I will become myself again, and even if I do not remember a single second of this world, I will live as I was supposed to: alongside my sister and those I hold dear.”
She finally looked at me, her eyes weary and pained. For a second I thought of consoling her, then remembered the current state of my ribs.
“What other option is there? We remain in this world until not a single soul is left? Until monsters too great to be stopped arrive and destroy those that remain—those we love most? All outcomes end the same, Steve. I am willing to leave this Equestria without pain and without fear. Those ponies below us right now deserve a better end than being torn apart by things they could never understand.” She took a step towards me. “I would rather have a choice in the matter, instead of grieving over those we’ve lost until my own time comes. I do not view this as death. I will be Luna again, as she was supposed to be. And I believe a part of this Luna will live on after all is said and done and embrace her sister like she never had before.”
I sighed. “And Sombra dies and nobody cares.”
“You will care, will you not?”
“I—”
A single raindrop fell on my head. I looked up and was instantly drenched by a blanket of rain. I chuckled despite shivering.
“Decide to add some rain to your night, Luna?”
My chuckles died as Luna’s soft expression hardened again, her eyes scanning the pitch black distance ahead of us. A bolt of white lightning divided the dark, crashing into the dirt close to the tracks. What followed this wasn’t a boom of thunder, but a piercing roar that made my hair stand on end.
Luna said to me, “You still wish to understand why this world cannot continue to be, Steve?”
I remained silent, as another bolt of lightning crashed down, illuminating the impossibly tall figure in the distance. One of its legs took a step in our direction, rumbling the earth.
Luna spread out her wings. “If we survive the night, maybe you will.”
Author's Note
Now I know who I've become. Willy Wonka! I've tricked a bunch of innocent readers with the promise of comedy and lazy Sombra-related antics, only to shove them all on a boat and down a scary tunnel, never to escape!
Sombra The Highly Unmotivated
I’d always been the type who tried to look on the bright side of things. I lived on my own. I had a steady job. I—had —a pet pony I could always sell for fur or meat if he got too bothersome to keep. If a problem came up, I was the kind of guy that wanted it gone with as little hassle as possible. No one made coffee in the break room? Easy. I’ll make some. The printer’s out of toner? Simple. There’s some underneath the fax machine. Sombra won’t stop eating the cushions on my side of the couch? Got it. Tell him he’s a dick and hit him with the newspaper.
Otherworldly monster appearing out of thin air and taking an earth-rumbling step towards the train I’m currently traveling on? Let’s see what Mr. Bright Side has in store for this particular occasion.
“There’s, uh…” I began, trying to find enough air to complete my sentence. “There’s always a chance it might not be coming this way. Or for the train, you know.”
Luna wouldn’t take her eyes from the being. She slowed her breathing.
Steady lightning bolts crashed in the dirt near the train tracks, allowing both of us brief glimpses of the creature. Four stories tall, it appeared paper-white compared to the pitch black sky. It was bipedal in form, almost humanoid—except for the complete lack of features on its oval-shaped head. It was hard to tell from the distance and the rain, but its skin never seemed to stop moving, like the ripples of a pond after someone’s thrown a pebble in it.
When it took a second step in the train’s direction, I choked on my spit. Mr. Bright Side had been wrong this time. Since this was alt-Equestria and not the real Equestria or even Earth—and since nothing was even remotely fair in this place—I shouldn’t have even bothered trying to spin the situation. No matter what, things would just keep on sucking for me here.
Luna charged her horn. “Find the conductor, quickly. Tell him we must hasten our journey.”
Watching the creature’s third step, I noticed the absence of joints in both its arms and legs. All four limbs stood out straight like some cheap doll made of wood. It moved steadily, but awkwardly, too. Outrunning it could prove possible.
“You really think—” I asked, before being teleported away.
I popped into the train car near the front and scrambled around another twenty ponies or so, dripping rainwater on each of them. A rumble from far away shook the floor, and the lanterns on the walls tapped against the glass. Only a few ponies took notice.
I slid open the door to the conductor’s cabin and found a dark room with a single chair next to a large burning coal pit. The conductor’s shadow was splayed against the opposite wall. Forgoing introductions, I pulled his chair back to face me.
“Hello, Steve. What’s happening?” Discord asked.
I brought both hands up to grab at my hair. “What did you do with the conductor!?”
He raised a brow. “I am the conductor, Steve.” He flicked off a piece of nothing from his uniform. “What did you think this costume was about? I told you I liked trains.” He pressed a button on the controls, sounding the whistle. Another rumble followed, louder than before.
I ran both hands through my hair. “Great. That’s just great. Just so we’re on the same page here, there’s some giant monster-thing following us right now. Can you speed this train up?”
Discord leaned back in his seat. “Hmm. I guess I could.” He scratched his chin with a claw. “All I’d need to do is pull this do-hickey here…” He slowed his speech down. “Add… some… more… coal… to…”
I could tell where this was going. As long as I was annoyed, Discord would have his fun. Too bad by that point in time I could hardly care about anything besides getting my unfortunate self out of Equestria.
Slap!
I backhanded him across the face as hard as I could, leaving a red mark on his cheek and my hand severely pained. As he looked at me, Discord dropped his claw from his chin, his usual sly smirk replaced by an open-mouthed gasp.
“You… hit me, Steve,” he said softly.
I guess this is the part where I die, isn’t it? Teleported to the sun or the bottom of a lake with the snap of his fingers. Maybe something worse. My insides replaced with animal balloons, so that every time I cry out for help, all anyone hears is the rubbing of balloons.
I took a breath and waited for the end.
Discord sneered again. “Steve likes it rough, doesn’t he? Oh, we are on our way to being good friends!” He snapped his fingers and the train lurched forward, making me stumble back. The steady chugs from the engine went into double time; the heat from the coal pit filling the small space at once. “There. Satisfied?”
No, actually. Not when something so monumental just hit me like a brick.
I snatched up his eagle’s claw. “Snapping! You snap and things happen, right?”
Discord feigned interest. “Sometimes.”
“Then snap us the hell out of here! To the Empire or anywhere away from that thing! You can do that, right? So do that!”
Discord slowly turned his head to stare at his fingers; ones he was flexing up and down and bending in impossible ways. “I could , yes. But what makes you think I would , after everything we’ve been through together?”
I peered into his yellow and red eyes. “Because if you don’t, everyone on this train might die tonight.”
He yawned. “What else you got?”
I squeezed his wrist. “If I survive tonight, and you did nothing to help, I’ll make it my last mission in life to tell Twilight how little you cared. Wouldn’t want to ruin that image you’ve created for yourself, would you?”
“Really? Going with something like that?” He rolled his eyes and sighed. “Blargh. Gag. Are all you humans composed solely of party poop?” He heated his wrist until I was forced to let go. “Fine. Although I can’t just teleport everyone aboard to the Empire—that would go against my basic nature of never shying away from potential chaos—I will help you with your tiny monster problem. All right? Feel better? Wanna hug it out or something?”
I shook my head. “No. Never again.”
Discord hugged me anyways. “Too bad, Steve. Tonight you might be mashed into putty or torn into a thousand little pieces; can’t have you leaving me without a proper goodbye.”
I asked the furry chest against my face. “Were you ever sane?”
“Once. And what a boring day that was.”
***
I again stood atop the train car; the increased speed making balancing a chore. The pasty white behemoth continued its sluggish walk towards us. Both of its completely straight legs fell to either sides of the track. While its speed had not increased, ours had been doubled.
I exhaled a sigh of relief as I watched it disappear farther and farther away, fewer and fewer lightning bolts illumining its completely blank features.
Once it vanished from sight, I turned to Luna at the very end of the train. Discord remained near the other end of the car, tapping his hoof against the roof. Luna didn’t seem all too relieved.
I stood next to her. “That’s it, right? Can’t have any big battle if it can’t even keep up.”
The rain pattered against her face, her hovering mane unaffected by the elements. “I doubt it will be so simple, Steve. None of them has yet been.”
“There’s a first time for everything, Luna.”
She paused for a moment. “Perhaps.”
Discord joined the two of us, his hands shoved into new pockets on his sides. “I’m cold. I want to go back inside. No monster, so no—”
In the expansive dark, the creature roared again. Out of rage or pain, I didn’t know. Next came the brittle snaps of breaking bones, so loud and so sharp it caused my teeth to ache. The monster’s screams echoed into the night, each time followed by more loud pops and cracks. Silence came next, and for a long while the only sound was the heavy rain atop the train. It was then that something began galloping in our direction. Fast. Hard. Heavy.
Luna finally said, “Perhaps not,” before she shot a white spark a dozen meters into the air. With the flick of her head, it erupted like a firework, tiny tendrils of light expanding everywhere.
The extra light let me see the train tracks along with the rest of the rain-soaked cars. It also let me see the monster from before, the changes to its form frightening and grotesque. Like a giant dog, it hurried after the train. Its bipedal nature had been altered, cracking whatever bones that lay inside of it to allow its limbs to take new form. Thick claws dug into the ground, giving it more momentum. Wondering how it’d snarled in the dark before, I watched with horrible fascination as its expressionless face flashed a mouth filled with rows of teeth like broken glass. Once it finished its latest scream, its mouth caved in on itself, its perfect white skin gently rippling in its wake.
Discord leaned on my shoulder. “That’s new. What should we call it? Spot? Rex? Mr. Grumbles? I like Mr. Grumbles. Let’s go with that.” He brought a hand to his mouth. “Hey! Mr. Grumbles! Go away! No one likes you and you’re too big to play here. So get lost and go play somewhere else!”
Mr. Grumbles didn’t take kindly to its new name; its clawed limbs dug deeper into the earth, showering the tracks behind it with mounds of dirt.
Luna widened her stance and spread out her wings. Her eyes turned pure white while a wave of silvery fabric dispersed from her horn. Once large enough, she angled her head and the silver material formed a solid wall from the train tracks up.
The creature collided with it headfirst and the barrier bent in the middle—the monster’s featureless face flattened even more. From its head, it shot out a sharp horn that easily pierced through the magic film. From side to side it thrashed its head, tearing the barrier to tatters.
“It can change,” Luna spoke calmly. “It will adapt to whatever we do to it.”
I lowered myself to keep balance. “You’ve seen one of these before?”
“No.”
I couldn’t take my eyes from the beast. “Any chance of a weakness?”
“I do not know.”
Discord strolled to the edge of the train to nudge us aside. In place of his blue and gold conductor’s uniform, he wore a black and red samurai costume, complete with a sheathed katana blade by his side. On his head he wore a triangular rice hat, casting his head in a shadow. All I could see of his face were his two toxic eyes. It was the first time I think I was actually happy to see him.
In one smooth motion, Discord unsheathed his blade. The weapon was so sharp, it sung. “And you thought my wit was sharp!”
I shook my head. “I never did, actually.”
He stuck his tongue out and lifted his blade. Luna and I backed away while Discord sliced at the air in all directions. The creature stumbled in its step, thin red lines visible on all its limbs. When one leg detached from it and fell to the dirt, so did the top half of its head. With several limbs sliced away, it crashed into the tracks chin first, puffing up dirt.
Discord sheathed his sword and took a small bow, breaking into giggles when he stood up again. He snapped his costume away. “Was that so hard? Could neither of you have done that?”
The creature shrieked again. All three of us turned to the noise, knowing full well what was coming next. Again the being broke its bones, howling in pain each time. The next sound I heard was hardened hooves atop metal. Towards the train sprinted a mammoth white horse, a long horn at the very center of its forehead. Each step it took crushed the tracks underneath it. Two sunken sockets now created its eyes, while its broken glass-like sneer curved halfway up its equine-shaped head, huffing out angrily.
In sixty-seconds it had become much faster than before. Also more frightening than anything I could’ve possibly seen coming. It was one of those times I was genuinely happy standing in the rain with wet clothes. Neither Discord nor Luna seemed to notice while I urinated down one of my legs.
The monster charged forward and slammed its horn into the side of the last car, shattering windows and making its riders cry out in alarm. The hit was almost hard enough to derail the whole car, and I was forced to grab Luna’s side to keep from falling off.
She turned to Discord. “Put a shield around the train. Those inside must make it to the Crystal Empire, whatever the cost.”
Discord leaned back and floated in the air. “And what do I get out of—”
“Please, Discord.” She hesitated, before adding, “Right now I need your help.”
Discord stood on the roof again and frowned, crossing his arms together. “Fine. Whatever. Just don’t say I never do anything for you guys.”
Without bothering to look at his own fingers, he brought them up to snap, instantly encasing the whole train in a shimmering white aura.
With the barrier in place, the creature jabbed at the car again, bouncing off the glowing shield and wobbling the car to one side.
Discord balled his hands into fists and fumed. He took two steps off the back of the train, walking on air. “Mr. Grumbles! You are not playing nice! And I’ve had it up to here with—”
The creature opened its curved mouth and roared, spraying Discord with bits of spit. It slashed at him with its horn, but Discord parted himself in the middle to avoid the blow.
Discord visibly shook with anger. “Fine! You’ve left me no choice!”
He cracked his head from side to side, raising his hand as if it contained a holy relic. He snapped his fingers again and nothing changed. Bemused, he glared at his own digits and tried again. His eyes went wide as he looked from his hand to the monster, then he hurriedly walked back atop the train to stand behind Luna and me.
“That’s… odd,” he said, his face a few shades lighter. “I wanted it gone, but it’s still here. That doesn’t happen all that often.”
Luna said, “We have never encountered the same creature more than once. It is impossible to predict what the next one will bring.” She looked down and her chin quivered. “Discord, teleport everyone from the last car to the rest of the train; I do not care if they are uncomfortable, just as long as the car underneath us is empty.”
Discord seemed to have a question on his mind, but he kept it to himself. “All right.” He snapped his fingers and the shouts heard through the broken windows below halted at once. “Now what?”
Luna raised her head and glared at the beast. “Now you take Steve and get him off this car. Then you disconnect it from the rest of the train.”
“And you?”
“I destroy this creature.”
I stood beside her. “I don’t think you can, Luna. It’ll just keep changing—repairing itself.”
She continued to glare at it. “Then I will stall it for as long as I can. The power of the moon will aid me in my plight.”
“Are you sure you want to do that?”
Luna nodded, smiling faintly. “Yes. I know the end when I see it, Steve, and I will embrace it without fear. I think that is all I have wanted all along. A choice in the matter—the knowledge of when my time has come.” She turned and put a hoof on my chest. “You are a very foolish human, Steve, and a well-meaning one. Do not impede Twilight’s plan further. That is all I ask of you.”
I wanted to say more. I wanted to ask just what she planned on doing to that equine monster chasing the train. I also wanted to know how one death was somehow better than another. The ponies stuck in this Equestria seemed to have a single outcome coming to them—they either died here, ripped apart by some creature from another world; or they replicated the event that created this place to begin with, thus merging with their original selves and forgetting all the nightmares that’d been made here. Perhaps the difference was in choosing to meet your end on your own terms, rather than living in fear that every day might be your last.
This was some seriously heavy stuff to consider. I really missed my condo.
Before I could tell her any of this, Discord grabbed my shoulder and snapped his claws, teleporting us to the previous car. Together, we watched the last part of the train pry apart from the others, slowing down as it rode out whatever momentum it had left.
Still standing near its edge, Luna created another shield around herself, as the monster took a swipe at her, recoiling off her magic. A moment later, the car was consumed by the night, the last image I could glimpse being the faint white glow of Luna’s horn. The crescent moon high above filled into a full moon as it lowered to the earth.
Luna flew upward and stopped at the moon’s center, spreading her wings as her mane billowed out. When she careened back to the ground, I heard one final scream from the beast before a large boom echoed across the mountainous lands.
I never saw her again.
***
“You could’ve saved her,” I told Discord only seconds later, my nerves shot and my hands trembling.
The rain and lightning that had announced the beast came to a stop, leaving me soaked and shivering in the wind.
Discord’s grin was nowhere to be found. “I could have, yes, but would she have allowed me to? Even I wasn’t able to stop that thing. If this train outran it for a time, it could’ve always followed the tracks right into the Empire. It was Luna’s call and she picked up the phone willingly. Although, in this case, I am reminded that all ends are very much the same here—the only difference being how we get to that end.”
I sat on the roof of the car, rubbing my arms. “You know I’m still going to try and stop all this, right? I still want to get Sombra out of here alive if I can.”
Discord turned his back on me. “I know you will, and I’m counting on it, actually.”
“Care to elaborate?”
“No. Not really.” He sighed. “I’m more than done with this world, Steve; too much horror and gore and not nearly enough pies in the face, if that makes any sense. But I don’t think I’m done with this world’s version of Twilight. If she succeeds, I lose her. If she stays here, the outcome remains the same. I don’t think I want that. Not yet, anyways.”
My shakes abated. “Meaning?”
“Meaning that after I’m done speaking, I’ll be sending you ahead to the Crystal Empire. I’m sure you’ll see Sombra again—wouldn’t be much of an ending if you didn’t. And all I want you to do once you see him, is ask just what was going through his mind in the last few seconds of his first life. What he must have been thinking of while being torn into a billion little pieces. He might not want to talk about it, but I think it might be important.”
I stood and went to him. “If you know something, then why—”
Snap!
“—won’t you just tell me!?”
With bag in tow, I looked at the gates of the Crystal Empire. Only a single building stood inside—a mammoth tower of blue and purple crystal. With only one last place to go, I started walking.
I really had no idea how this was all going to end.
Author's Note
Okay. Okay! This was pretty dark, I will agree. But the remainder of the story won't be this bad.
Speaking of which, we only have two chapters left, followed by a friendly visit from Mr. Epilogue. (Or... at least I hope he's friendly.
Sombra The Highly Unmotivated
My cell was six feet by six feet and contained a wet mattress a few centimeters thick at most. I sat against a smooth crystal wall with my knees held close to my chest. I was the sole detainee in the Crystal Empire’s only prison cell, and I began to wonder if Sombra demanded there be at least one prison cell with which to hold people, forcing Twilight to think on the fly. Glancing at the shoddy craftsmanship around the edges and the bars, I thought my metal box must’ve been put together in a hurry.
After being bubbled and taken away, I was lowered down a dark staircase to the tower’s basement. Bits of hay and other building materials littered the floor. Twilight Sparkle didn’t leave the area outside my cell, even as all of her friends trotted back upstairs.
She’d had trouble looking at me before. Now she wouldn’t take her eyes off of me, hardly taking a moment to blink.
“It ends tonight, Steve,” she started flatly.
“Yep,” I answered, not in the greatest of moods at the time.
“If you hadn’t interfered again, you would’ve been home by now.”
“Minus a pony.”
“You gave him to us.”
I flicked a finger against the bars. “After you lied to me about what you had planned for him.”
Twilight sat down next to my cell, her head resting on a rusted bar. She ignored my last statement. “You consider him your friend, don’t you? Even after everything’s that happened, you think he’s your friend.”
I nodded. “He’s been coerced, same as me when I handed him over to you on Earth. You made me believe I was doing what was best. Sombra likes to be in charge. He likes power. You promised him that and he ate it up.” I roughly flicked the bar again. “He’s also an idiot.”
Twilight smiled, the lines under her eyes more evident than usual from the basement’s harsh overhead lights. “A friend that calls his friend an idiot. You two truly must’ve been close.”
I chuckled. “Even you should know only best friends call each other idiots.”
Her smile waned. “But Sombra—oh, wait, I forgot, it’s King Sombra now. King Sombra isn’t just a human’s lone pony pal, Steve. No. He’s a tyrant. He’s a murderer. And if I can save this world with his sacrifice, then I won’t hesitate to do so.” She grimaced. “His type don’t deserve to live while good ponies are forced to die. My brother. My sister in law. My mentor.” She exhaled slowly. “And now Luna, too, if what Discord tells me is true.”
I sat up and propped my chin on a hand. “The train came in?”
“Yes.”
“So that means everything’s coming into place.”
“Yes, it does.”
I waited a moment, picturing what the last few moments of this world might look like. The sight of doomsday might not appear so grand locked up in a cell deep in the basement.
The thought of it all made me mad. “You might all think Sombra’s nothing more than some villainous cartoon character, but what you fail to realize is that if you never bothered him, he wouldn’t have been a problem to anyone. He liked the simple life. He liked not being in control. He liked being someone’s friend. You told me he was going to be rehabilitated in Equestria—befriended for all to enjoy. Well, maybe he already was to begin with.”
She shook her head. “That doesn’t matter anymore, Steve. None of it does.”
She took a minute to lazily stretch out each leg.
I got to my feet and wrapped my hands around the bars. I’d come to the conclusion a long time ago that Sombra’s life meant next to nothing to these colorful world-enders.
“Have you ever thought of Earth?” I asked.
Twilight stopped her movements to look up at me. “Thought about it how ?”
“As a new place to go? To live and be away from all this horror. You seven traveled there easy enough the first time—why not call that your new home?”
She surprised me with a laugh. “Really, Steve? A bunch of ponies living harmoniously with a bunch of humans?”
“It’s worked here, hasn’t it?”
She hesitated for a second. “You honestly believe your world would willingly accept the miraculous appearance of thousands of new sentient beings and somehow not consider that a threat?”
“Maybe a threat against their heart’s wellbeing. Seriously, I’d be hard pressed to find a single human that wouldn’t welcome a busload of adorable tiny ponies. You guys are basically like cats, except you can converse with people.”
She glared at me. “Saying things like that makes me think a lot less of you, Steve.”
I raised a brow. “You honestly think I care about how I look to you right now?”
Twilight strolled along the edges of my cage. “While it’s not the worst idea, there are still big problems involved. Like getting each pony in this Equestria to your world in time before something catastrophic and irreparable happens here. Luna and I were able to get the seven of us there with a small amount of energy, but both of us were alicorns. The magic needed to get everyone trapped here to your universe would be tremendous.”
She stopped to look at me. “Plus, who would decide who goes first and who takes their chances patiently waiting for their turn? Do pegasi and Earth ponies get to go first because all the unicorns would be busy sending them over? Who would make that decision? There just wouldn’t be enough time, Steve. Not for every single pony here.”
“You could still save as many as possible.”
“But if I did that, I still wouldn’t have my brother back. Or any of them.”
I slammed my hand against the bars. “But you’re not getting them back, Twilight! You merge with yourself, you forget this place. This version of you ceases to exist. You die, and that’s all there is to it.”
“No, Steve,” she replied softly. “I get to be the Twilight I was supposed to be, and I know my friends would feel the same, as would Luna. Even if I don’t remember a single moment of this place, I’ll have the satisfaction of escaping here, and being back with those I’ve lost.”
I gripped the bars hard enough to hurt, then I walked in small circles around my cell to calm myself. “Obviously, you’ve seen the original Equestria. Otherwise you’d have no idea of what’s going on there.”
Twilight reluctantly nodded. “We were able to view it briefly, though the spell to do so was complicated and always changing.” She paused. “Watching another version of yourself… a brighter one… happy and content. It’s hard, Steve. You want to be that pony so bad it hurts, and soon it’s all you can think about.”
“Then why not go there? Escape to the real Equestria? It must be easier to get there than Earth.”
“It’s not, in fact. The barrier that holds the original Equestria out of reach from everything outside of it is strong and intact. Earth’s had been damaged by Sombra’s arrival, although just a bit.” She said more to herself, “It all comes down to time… so little of it… twenty-four hours in a day, but who says you’ll make it to the end of that day?”
Twilight’s lost it completely, I thought, as I watched her mumble to herself. This version of her, at least. She’d been hurt and she’d been pained and then hurt again, and now all she wants is an ending she can agree with. All she wants is for it to be over with. In a way, I could understand. But that didn’t mean I wouldn’t try to save Sombra if I could, as well as every poor soul trapped in this nightmare-like place.
She looked up to me abruptly. “I need to go. I may have said it before, but this time, I’m sure: You will not be seeing me again. Or any of us. I’ll give you a few minutes with Sombra to say what you will, and then we’ll finish this.” She gritted her teeth. “You didn’t need to come here, Steve. The awful memories you take back to Earth are your own doing and no one else’s.”
She went to the first step of the stairs and stopped.
“If you really considered Sombra your friend, don’t try and break the illusion we’ve created for him. He likes being King. It makes him happy. He won’t know what’s happening until it’s too late, Steve. So let him die happy.”
***
Sombra came to me next. Or King Sombra did, as he floated into my cell in a blanket of black smoke. He glared at me with his red and green eyes, tendrils of purple smoke filtering out around the edges. When I waved away as much of the smoke as I could, he dropped back to the ground as himself.
“How was that?” he asked, before barking out a cough.
I waved the last bits of Sombra from the air. “Unnecessary.”
“But menacing?”
“Sure. Why not.” I sat on my thin bed and patted the spot beside me.
Sombra hesitated for a moment, but eventually sat next to me.
I scratched at my unshaven face. “Is there any point in trying to convince you that this is all a lie, or has that ship sailed already?”
Sombra could hardly sit still, his hooves tapping against the edges of the cot anxiously. His bushy tail kept whapping into my side. “I don’t know why you keep thinking like this, Steve. Why can’t you just be happy for me? I’ll be the ruler of an entire world! Everyone will do what I want them to.” He looked up to me. “It’ll be fun, Steve. We can hangout and get drunk whenever we like! No more work. No more troubles.” He brightened. “I’m sure Twilight could even create a new image machine for us. Or we could travel back to Earth and take one. An even bigger one!”
I tried to think of all the evidence I could use to prove Twilight was lying to him. All the empty promises and all the ways he was being tricked. If I had more time, I might’ve pointed it out how no mare came forward to fulfill all his eccentric bedroom desires, or when no new Equestria was brought before him to enslave. But the idea of being King again was still fresh on his mind. Bouncing around next to me, he acted more like a child on Christmas morning than a murderous tyrant.
Sometimes you just know when there’s nothing left you can do.
It was hard to look at him, knowing what was to come in a few minute’s time. I hooked an arm around his head and pulled him to my side. I spoke honestly. “You’re a good pony, Sombra. I don’t think anyone’s ever told you that, but I thought you should know. You’re not all that bad. Deep, deep, deep, deep, deep down, you’re all right.”
His tail stopped thumping into me. “Um… thanks?”
I scratched his head, reminded of the last bit of advice Discord had given me, if anything could be called “advice” from such a creature. So for the next couple of minutes I asked Sombra what was running through his mind the last moment before he died. And although it took some time, he finally opened up and told me. And when his eyes became watery, I knew he hadn’t lied to me then, and I was grateful for that.
So I said to him what needed to be said, even if I knew it might all be for nothing. But hadn’t this whole journey been a huge amount of effort for what might amount to nothing at all?
The doors at the top of the stairs opened and Twilight called down to us.
Sombra wiped his eyes and climbed off my bed. “Well, this is it,” he said breathlessly. “Everyone will know who’s in charge after this.”
I nodded. “Just remember what I said, Sombra. You’ll know it when it happens.”
He stared at me bemused. “I still don’t understand, Steve.”
“Just remember. Just picture it in your mind.” I tried for a smile. It wasn’t a good one. “Now go show him who’s boss, all right?”
He giggled happily. “I will , Steve. And then for my first order as King, I’ll release you on good behavior. And then we’ll have a feast. Everyone loves feasts, Steve, because it means you get to eat a lot.”
He really hasn’t changed as much as I thought.
“One more for the road.”
I knelt down and hugged him again.
In return, he chuckled and patted my back. “You’re going soft on me, Steve. I’ll be right back .”
“All right.” I let him go and he floated out from my cell, coughing into a hoof once whole again.
Twilight yelled from up the stairs. “King Sombra, your guests are waiting!”
“Coming, Twilight!” he shouted back, before turning to me. “You’d think Twilight was in charge of all this or something.” He laughed, before trotting up the stairs.
I might not have been able to save Sombra from himself, but that didn’t mean I couldn’t try and save every innocent soul left trapped in this world. If what Sombra told me held any merit.
I stood near the bars and sighed. That might be the last time I see him, I thought.
Then something popped behind me.
“Care to watch the end of the world with me?”
I turned and found Discord sprawled out along the cot, a box of popcorn in one claw and a pair of 3D glasses over his eyes.
I rested my head on the bars. “There’s nothing more I can do, is there? I don’t save anyone, do I?”
He giggled. “Did you really think you would? You’re no hero. You’re Steve . What do Steves do? I’ll tell you what they do: they stumble around, knocking into stuff until the end credits.”
“Shouldn’t you be with Twilight right now?”
“I am.”
I didn’t say anything.
Discord sat up. “Or would you rather sit here and count the cracks in the walls? Come on. It’ll be fun. And I’ll bring the popcorn!”
I really had nothing better to do.
***
The calm night breeze ruffled my shirt. My feet dangled hundreds of feet in the air, my hands gripping the edges of my seat until my knuckles turned white. The seat in question being a white, puffy cloud that somehow supported my and Discord’s weight and wouldn’t move an inch across the sky. By this point, I shouldn’t have even commented on it. But old habits die hard.
I pointed at the cushy cloud. “This doesn’t make any sense.”
Discord shut his eyes and growled. “I’m not even going to dignify that with a response. Either you enjoy my comfortable cloud sofa, Steve, or you go sit somewhere else, although I can’t guarantee you’ll survive the trip there.”
I shut my trap and looked around. Our cloud hovered a hundred feet or so above the crystal tower’s balcony and several hundred feet above the seated crowd on the ground. Hundreds of waiting ponies and a speckle of humans waited patiently in boxed seats with binoculars raised.
Glancing at the remains of the Crystal Empire from so high above, I was reminded of Sombra’s old stories about the place. I turned to Discord, currently munching his way through his fourth box of popcorn.
“Twilight wants to recreate what happened, right? But how can that be possible? The Crystal Heart was what killed Sombra. Wasn’t it destroyed along with the original Empire?”
Discord gagged on a kernel, spitting it out to tumble onto the crowd below. “It was. But in this timeline, Twilight and her friends still have their Elements of Harmony. They were never handed over to some tree or whatever the Tartarus happened. I really don’t remember. It was all pretty silly.”
“Elements of Armory?”
“Harmony ,” he corrected. “All you need to know is that they’re flashy and basically fix whatever problem Twilight needs fixing. In this case: blowing Sombra sky high.” He shrugged. “Twilight has no Crystal Heart, so she’s improvising. Same with the spectators down below. No Crystal ponies left? Well, let’s ship in some random ponies and see what happens next.”
I shook my head. “This whole plan was doomed to fail from the beginning. Nothing about it sounds right and there’s little chance it’ll work in Twilight favor, or anyone’s.”
Discord laughed, banging his hand against the cloud’s armrest. “I know , right? Isn’t it great? That’s why this is all so much fun!” His laughter spun out into giggles. He ran a finger under his eyes to wipe away the tears. “By the way, you want a beer? Might as well make a toast to the end of a universe.”
He lifted a part of the cloud away, revealing a small cooler. He handed me a crystal stein filled with something cold and brown.
I sniffed the top. “What kind?”
“Equestrian.”
“Good enough.” I took a sip. It wasn’t bad. Alcohol was still alcohol, and if there ever was a reason to drink, the Apocalypse was a mighty good one.
From the cloud cooler, Discord pulled out a martini glass and a small vial he emptied into it. The liquid was every color I could imagine, endlessly swirling and mixing together.
With a foam mustache under my nose, I pointed at it. “What’s that?”
Discord took the tiniest of sips. “Oh, this? This is a special drink, but I wouldn’t recommend it.”
“Stronger than this beer?”
“Very much so. Not many have the stomach for it. Or would have a stomach at all, if consumed. I could let you have a sip, but then you’d go blind and miss the show. And believe me, going blind would be the least of your worries after drinking this.” He took another sip, his eyes filling with TV static for a moment. “But at least you wouldn’t be able to see what was happening to the rest of you.”
I took another pull from my beer. “I’ll stick with this.”
“Good.”
For a time we sat and drank, keeping an eye on a group of ponies shuffling around a number of props around the balcony. A large throne. A crystal rock. A long red carpet. Sitting and waiting for the end of the world, I’d never felt so useless in all my life.
I asked Discord, “Did I just pull a Raiders of the Lost Ark ?”
He raised a brow. “Is that the one with all the lava or the really bad one?”
“No, the first one, with the Ark of the Covenant.” Upon realization, I choked on my beer. “How have you seen those movies? Or any movie at all, in fact?”
Discord ran a hand along his face, pulling the bottom of his eyelids half-way down his cheeks. “Stop questioning things, Steve. You’ll live longer. Now, finish your question.”
“Okay. In that movie, Indiana Jones follows the bad guys around the entire time, trying to foil their evil plot. In the end, he can’t, but the bad guys destroy themselves anyways, doing the thing they wanted to do the whole time. Meaning that Indiana Jones could’ve stayed home and watched TV and the outcome would’ve been the same. Is that what I just did here?”
Discord pulled on his beard and pursed his lips.
I continued, “I mean, if I never came here, Twilight would’ve still done all this, Sombra would’ve died again, and the outcome remains the same. What did I change by coming here?”
Discord accidentally pulled his beard off, then glued it back on. “Sometimes, Steve, the journey is more important than the outcome.”
“Meaning?”
“I dunno. Sometimes I just say things. Like purple monkey dishwasher.”
I sighed and consoled myself with my beer. It was annoying being the observer and not the participant when so much was at stake.
“Where’s Twilight now?” I eventually asked, annoyed by the silence.
“She’s with me, actually.” Discord pointed a claw to a lower part of the tower. “We’re saying our last goodbyes. Would you like to see?”
I shrugged. “Sure.”
Discord snapped a pair of binoculars around my neck. I pulled them up and looked through, the outside of the tower melting away as I glanced around. A few stories below the top the balcony, Discord and Twilight stood close together in an empty room. Discord was knelt in front of her, a genuine smile on his face that contained no hint of malice. Twilight held a hoof to his face and even from that distance I could tell she’d been crying. Whether out of happiness or sadness, I will never know.
Discord said, “She’s thanking me for helping her, for keeping her friends safe, and for shielding Ponyville, also for being that small bit of warmth in her life. She’s telling me it’ll all be okay; that the old Twilight might remember what we’ve shared. I know she’s lying, but I don’t tell her this. At the moment all I think about are the color of her eyes, about her warm hoof on my face.”
Through my binoculars, Twilight pulled him in for a kiss. Discord closed his eyes and wrapped an arm around her. The embrace was short, but sweet.
“I think about the taste of her,” Discord said, with an odd amount of calmness.
I put the binoculars down. “You don’t need to tell me that.”
“Saying things like that will only get you the exact opposite effect.”
I see. “Then tell me everything.”
His toxic eyes shot open. “Okay, but only because you asked! You see that couch in the corner there? Well, just four-and-a-half minutes ago, Twilight and I—”
I pinched his lips shut, not all too surprised when they detached from his mouth and new ones formed on his face. I let the severed bits of flesh float away in the air.
He giggled lightly, staring at the spot on the tower where Twilight and him had been. “In that moment when we kissed, I snapped my fingers and brought time to a halt. Although Twilight didn’t know it, I spent a whole month in that embrace. Then I went back and I did it all again. And you know what I found, Steve, even after all that time together?”
“What?”
“That I still wanted more. That I’m not ready to let her go.”
Done with my beer, I found my head swimming. Perhaps the height had something to do with it, too. “You like damaged goods, don’t you? Too bad even all this is out of your control.”
He rubbed his hands together. “Is it?” He turned to me. “Did you happen to ask Sombra what he was thinking about before he died?”
And here I thought I was all done with heavy exposition.
“I did. And you were right. He didn’t want to talk about it.”
“But in the end, he did, didn’t he?”
“Yes.”
He drank from his martini glass. “And what, pray tell, did that little pony say?”
“He said he knew what was going to happen—that the world went white and seemed to slow down. He knew he was going to die and had time to think about it. Sombra hated being defeated so easily, after hardly having the chance to succeed. In those last few moments, he said he thought of Equestria, ripped apart and destroyed by monsters worse than him. He wanted fire and death and for those that hurt him to feel his pain. He said he wanted revenge.”
Discord nodded slowly, casually sipping from his glass. A trail of white smoke oozed from his nostrils.
“Then, after he was done picturing all the destruction he wanted done, he said he just didn’t want to be hated anymore—that he was sick of it. He knew what he was doing was right, so why couldn’t everyone else see that? He said he wanted to go somewhere where ponies wouldn’t think of him as only a villain. Somewhere where he wouldn’t be hated anymore.”
“You think he was thinking about making a friend?”
I paused. “Maybe. Or maybe he wasn’t sure what he was looking for at all.”
“So do you understand what happened, Steve?”
“A little.”
Discord pulled out the leg rest on the cloud, placing an arm behind his head. “Then what did you tell him? It’s clear he thinks he’s King again. Or King for the next two minutes or so.”
I looked down and saw Applejack and Rarity exit the throne room and stand near the edge of the balcony. Some of the crowd down below shouted to them, clapping their hooves together.
“When I knew I couldn’t convince him this was all a ploy, I went with something else. I told him something was going to happen soon and that I needed him to do something for me. I told him he wouldn’t understand right now, but that it was important. He’d know it when it happened.”
“I’m sure he will. I just hope this cloud’s far enough from the splash zone.”
I ignored the jerk. “I told him to think about our time spent together. Of the condo. Of Earth. I wanted him to picture himself surrounded by friends. I wanted him to think of good things this time. Not revenge.”
“You think he will?”
Twilight stood at the front of the balcony, a podium set up for her. The noises from the crowd increased. She started her speech, thanking them all for coming. Then she said she had important news to tell them.
I admitted to him, “I have no idea how this ends. I only wish I could’ve done more.”
Discord smiled thinly, looking through his own pair of binoculars.
“Oh, I think you’ve done plenty.”
***
“Thank you, Princess Twilight, for that warm introduction. I know many of you might be surprised to see your King back from the dead, but please do not be afraid. I have only come back to lead you to a better world—one that we will, together as one, conquer and control.”
As Sombra made his speech behind the podium, Twilight and the five other mares positioned themselves in a half-circle behind him, each of them fitted with a near-matching gold necklace. Only Twilight had a crown. Fluttershy spent that time staring at her hooves, while most of them looked anywhere besides Sombra’s back. Twilight was the only one—a beaten, worn expression on her face.
Sombra continued, “Imagine a world other than this, my slaves. Imagine one far grander than you could possibly imagine…”
Twilight touched the shoulder of the mare next to her, and she nodded in return. The six of them held onto each other and each of their eyes filled with a burning white light. As their manes whipped around wildly, they levitated off the ground. Only when the blinding light became too much to be ignored, did Sombra finally turn to them.
“I said no theatrics, Twilight!” he roared. “No lights! No displays! Only me!”
When none of them responded and the light only grew, Sombra’s wrath disappeared and he glanced around nervously.
“Stop whatever you are doing, Twilight! Your King demands—”
The band of rich colors passing between the six mares expanded outward and struck Sombra in the chest, lifting him up as he was surrounded by more and more burning light. His hooves paddled against the air aimlessly.
He spun his head from side to side. “Steve? Steve! I’m scared, Steve! Help me! What are they doing?”
I leaned over my side of the cloud and sucked in all the air I could. The sight of poor Sombra made we want to vomit up my beer. “I can’t watch this. This is disgusting.”
I could hear Discord snacking on another clawful of popcorn. “What are you talking about? You’re gonna miss the best part!”
“Steve?” Sombra cried. “Steve, where are you? Help me! ”
I shut my eyes and gripped the edge of the cloud, wanting it over with.
A long moment of silence befell the large balcony, as the light between the mares pulsated out until I had to cover my eyes with an arm. Sombra got out one last menacing roar before everything came to a close. I didn’t even hear an earth-rattling boom to mark his latest defeat.
Discord childishly clapped his hands together. “Bravo, bravo, ladies. Encore, perchance?”
I looked back at the balcony and in Sombra’s place was a blackened circle. Twilight trotted into the center of it, as her five other friends whispered between themselves.
I roughly grabbed Discord’s arm. “So what does this mean? Nothing happened! You bunch of depressed weirdoes blew him up and nothing happened!”
He flicked my hand away. “Delayed reaction?”
Twilight stopped pacing around the balcony to stare at her friends. “What—”
Pop!
The soft seat I was on turned to prickly grass. The dark sky with specks of stars became a burning sun with slowly floating clouds. The barren wasteland that made up most of the Crystal Empire vanished in a blink, and in its wake was a field of trees and tiny bushes. Close to that was a thin hiker’s trail that I recognized all too well.
“Okay…” I whispered, getting to my feet. I didn’t have much time to take in my familiar surroundings before a heavy hand fell to my shoulder.
“Is all of Earth this boring and green?”
I recognized the voice, but chose to deny it as long as I could. I looked from my shoulder to his eagle’s claw, finally to his earsplitting grin. Discord looked as pleased as spiked punch.
“This is the park right next to my condo,” I stated flatly, “and you’re here.”
He nodded, closing his eyes and tilting his head back to soak in the sun’s rays.
“Does that mean everyone made it here?”
“Why don’t you ask them yourself, Steve?” He pointed a finger to the edge of field, where Twilight and her friends had gathered together. Twilight sat on the grass with her jaw agape and her brows heavily lined.
I looked up at him. “So what does this mean?”
“It means all the residents of alt-Equestria have miraculously been displaced, all to this little rock you call home. It seems Sombra has the ability to do wondrous things just before dying, as long as he knows what he’s doing. He must have been thinking of Earth before he died… or perhaps you.”
Twilight sluggishly spread herself along the grass, her face already stained with tears.
I told him, “Twilight doesn’t seem so thrilled about Earth.”
“Of course not,” he answered bluntly. “She wanted her brother back, along with all the rest. But now she has time. All the time she needs to find a way back into real Equestria without damaging it.” He smiled faintly. “Her plan failed, but the odds of its success were always shaky at best. This may not have been the outcome she’d wanted, but perhaps it’s the one she needed all along. She still has her friends. Now she’s no longer in danger every moment of every day. Twilight’s resilient. I’m sure she’ll get better in time.”
A couple more ponies stumbled out of the thick of the trees, both expressions startled and confused. One had a twig and a leaf stuck in their mane.
I sighed. “She also has you now, doesn’t she?”
“Yes, she does.”
“You were going to lose her before, but now…” A large mechanism inside my head slid into place as I rubbed at my temples. I stomped a foot against the grass. “I was a pawn this whole time, wasn’t I?”
“Would you have rather been a Queen?”
I pointed a finger at him. “You were the one that sent me the note making me go there. You were the one that kept giving me cryptic clues about what the hell was going on. You were the one that told me to speak to Sombra before he died. You were practically behind everything. So why didn’t you just do it yourself ?”
Discord raised both arms to stretch before bending over to touch his claws and hoof. “How much fun would that’ve been, hmm? Answer: none. Also, I don’t work that way. I am the rightful Lord of Chaos, and Lords of Chaos aren’t supposed to avert doomsday scenarios. Rather, they’re supposed to create them.” He chuckled. “But that doesn’t mean I can’t string someone along and hope for the best.”
I had more questions on the mind. The first one being: “If I punch you hard enough, will you bleed?” But by then he was already walking away from me and towards the others. By that point in time, another two dozen or so ponies had joined their small circle, most eyes on Twilight in the middle.
When Discord strolled into the mix, Twilight went to him and wrapped her forelegs around his chest. A little while later, she faced the rest of the displaced ponies and brushed away her tears. Then she began to tell them what they were going to do. It sounded a lot saner than her previous plan.
I left them to talk and started the short walk home.
What was waiting for me there was not what I expected.
***
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
That was the first thing Sombra said before I sat down beside him. I’d already entered my condo and put my sweatshirt in the closet before something small and dark caught the corner of my eye. Sombra sat in his usual spot, his usual brooding snarl now a bruised and embarrassed pout. Perhaps most important of all, he was now around one-third his original size.
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
With his tiny muzzle, he frowned. His two tiny eyes rarely looked away from the carpet.
I leaned back in the couch. “About what? About how I was right that they were tricking you? Or about how on Earth you’re still alive?”
“Of course I’m still alive, Steve,” he mumbled out. “I died once and flew out of your toaster. What did you think was going to happen the second time? You should really get that thing fixed if you don’t want ponies shooting out of it.”
“Well, sorry if I thought that when ponies magically blew up they usually stayed dead. Guess that’s not the case with you, though, is it?”
He glared at me. “I guess not. But I still don’t want to talk about it.”
“Then you want to talk about why you’re suddenly so small?”
He waited before answering. “I don’t think my body likes being torn apart and put back together all that much. Last time that happened, I couldn’t use my horn for a month, remember? I think this must be similar. I’m sure I’ll return to normal soon. I just don’t like looking like a stupid little colt.”
I laughed. “I might have called you ugly before, Sombra, but now you’re freaking adorable.”
He growled deep in his throat. Still adorable. “I am not adorable, Steve! I am pure, unfiltered evil and I’ll—”
I plucked him up by the scruff of his neck and placed him on my lap, running my hand across his head.
The tiny pony thrashed around with little hope of escape. “Let me go! My body is still sore from blowing up! Don’t touch me, Steve!”
“Because of you, I went through hell over the last few days. So until further notice, you’re my own personal stress ball. So if I were you, I’d stop struggling and accept your fate.”
Instead of trying to squirm his way out from my hand, Sombra settled down and buried his head into my side. He hitched in a small breath as fresh tears stained my shirt.
He croaked out, “They blew me up again, Steve.”
I patted his head. “I know, I know. And they shouldn’t have done that.”
“I should’ve trusted you, but I didn’t.”
“I know. You’re an idiot, but that’s all right.”
“They told me I was King again and I really thought I was.”
“Glad you had fun. I think your second reign lasted even longer than the last one.”
He hitched in another breath. “That really hurt, Steve. I don’t want to blow up again.”
I soothed the quivering pony. “Then we’ll try our best not to let that happen again. Also, we’ll try not going to Equestrias that aren’t Equestrias. Sound good?”
He nodded into my side. “Can we order pizza, Steve?”
“Sure, we can. I think we’ve both earned it. But I won’t get our usual. Given your size, I’d say a slice will do you.”
Sombra sniffled. “I’ll show you. I’ll eat a whole pizza by myself.”
I patted his head. “That’s the spirit. I can’t wait to see a colt-sized ex-villain puke pizza all over my floor.” A tall shadow passed by the window and all at once I was reminded of what I’d just done. I licked my dry lips. “But before I do that, there’s something I should probably tell you.”
“What’s that?”
I felt moisture on my brow. “I… uhh… I didn’t come back alone from Equestria.”
“What do you mean, Steve? Who came back with you?”
I chewed on my tongue. “Everyone.”
Sombra shuddered against me. “You mean…”
Knock-knock-knock.
Right outside my door, Discord asked, “Steve? You home? I need a place to crash for a bit. Since I’m here, I should probably ask: how’s your shower pressure? Should I wipe my hooves at the door?”
From the soft confines of my shirt, Sombra asked, “I’m going to go hide under your bed, Steve. Care to come?”
With Sombra in one hand, I went to the bedroom and slid under the bed, nervously watching the living room at the end of the hall. When Discord didn’t knock again, I sighed into the carpet.
That was when someone tall sidled beside me. “Who are we hiding from?” Discord asked. “And did I hear you mention pizza, Steve? I like mine with no dough whatsoever with extra sauce and olives. Cheese on the side and gluten free, of course.”
I kept my face in the carpet, exhaling the last remaining pieces of my soul. Things could always get worse. Eventually, I exited from underneath the bed.
“I’ll go grab the menu.”
Author's Note
Sombra The Highly Unmotivated
I look up and all I see is white. It’s what I’ve been looking at for the last few months and I know there’s a good chance it’ll be the last thing I see. The bed I’m in is soft and the covers are cool. Each day I’m more tired than the last. Each day I sleep more than I mean to. Too many days pass by without my knowledge or consent. Too fast , I think. Much too fast .
Outside my door I can hear Sombra waiting to come in; his hooves gently clop against the marble in the hall. They’ll let him in soon enough. They always do. I like to see him, same as I always have. The hard part is thinking of excuses that won’t hurt him.
Quiet times like these make me think of how everything settled down.
“Pony Gate,” it was called—the day I returned to Earth with several thousand ponies and a handful of humans by my side (even a few well-hidden Changelings I had no idea existed at all). Upon our arrival, most of the world was aghast and in desperate need of answers. Twilight Sparkle was the one that fronted the large mass of displaced ponies, describing in detail the horrors they’d only just escaped from.
Once it was assessed that these new colorful creatures had no harmful motives in mind, they were allowed to live in society like everyone else. The existence of pegasi and unicorn meant that new jobs would be created; most Earth ponies matched the strength of full grown human males, making them worthwhile laborers.
I’d rather not sugarcoat everything. The assimilation of talking ponies into the human race took time—a great amount of it. Even now, decades later, there are still those that discriminate against them. I just so happened to be in attendance at the first pony/human wedding. Odd Bob from the train and that mare from the Empire were to be the first ever to tie the knot. I don’t believe I’ve ever been so uncomfortable in all my life.
Although Twilight never became her original self again, through the combined efforts of highly renowned mathematicians and scientists, she was eventually able to enter her old Equestria. Once there, she spent several weeks with her brother and sister in law, as well as her mentor and her sister. She told me she had long talks with her original self, delving into all that’s happened in their lives. Once her and Discord’s relationship was explained, the original Twilight tried her best to hold down her lunch. As far as I know, alt-Twilight and Discord are still a couple.
It didn’t take long before I became the center of attention; why suddenly you looked outside your kitchen windows to find a talking unicorn galloping up the street with teeth whiter than a dentist’s. In just a day, I had changed the course of humankind for good, bring with me a race of beings from an unknown universe. I had to speak with many officials in the government, and after those talks ended, I spoke with many people in the press. Thinking strategically, I soon hired myself a lawyer and an agent.
The semi-autobiographical Lazy Sombra: Or Why You Might Be Living Next To A Pony Now remained on the bestseller list for well over a decade. I hired a ghostwriter for the project, using a series of interviews to get to the meat of the story. In less than a year, I made more money than I could spend in a lifetime. And, yes, I even brought Sombra to work with me to tell my boss just what I thought of him. Still colt-sized, Sombra wasn’t as threatening as I’d first imagined he’d be.
Reception of the book was good, though most reviewers had a problem with the last half’s abrupt spiral into darkness. All I could say to that was: “that’s just the way it happened.”
Sombra remained as small as a colt for over two years and it took six months to regain basic control of his magic. I spent most of that time writing my book and cashing in checks. After becoming a bestseller, I sold the condo and moved into a vastly larger home in the middle of the woods. I never was a big fan of the bustling city.
That large house is where I am now; in a corner room with large bay windows. At the moment, a gentle rain patters against the glass. I’ve always enjoyed the sound of rain.
It was during this two-year period that I invited Twilight and her friends over to my new home. Together, we celebrated Christmas (or Heart’s Warming Eve, or whatever they called it) and I still consider it one of the best times of my life. Still adorably small at the time, Apple Bloom, Scootaloo, and Sweetie Belle made Sombra an honorary Cutie Mark Crusader. It was the first time I’d noticed his complete lack of butt tattoo.
Even fighting as he had, mini-Sombra had little option but to join with the three—tea parties and sing-alongs and all. On Christmas Day, he awoke to find something new stamped on his butt. I honestly had no idea he was so talented at doing nothing at all.
The first few hours between Sombra and I and Twilight and the rest were tense. The fact that both sides had tried to trick or kill the other only months ago (some successfully) made for a rather awkward reunion. Discord, thankfully, knew which direction to go, as he teleported behind the bar to make sure everyone had a strong drink close to their hooves.
Ever since Discord played himself in the film adaptation of Lazy Sombra , he’s been enjoying a hit and miss career in the entertainment industry. Calling The Amazing Race not as amazing as it could be, he created a new TV show entitled “Discord’s Even More Amazing Race Across Time and Space”. The show lasted a lone episode and not one of the twenty-four contestants have been seen again. When questioned on their whereabouts, Discord always replies much the same. “They’re safe,” he says, “For now.” Then he always winks.
As I watch the rain patter against the glass in my too large home, the door to my room opens. A second later, Sombra sets his oversized head on my hand, and without even looking at him, I know he’s upset.
“Hey, Steve.”
It takes me some effort, but I turn to face him. “Hey, Sombra. How’s it going?”
He adds a hoof to the side of my bed. “It’s going okay, I guess. I’ve just been bored lately.”
“You could ask Greg if he wants to spend time with you, or his wife.”
He looks away from me. “I don’t think they like me very much.”
“How? You’ve only just met them.” I chuckle. “You didn’t eat their cat, did you?”
“No. But there was an incident with a gerbil you might not have heard about…”
I should be mad, or at least a little bit peeved. Instead, I laugh again, making Sombra’s ears perk up.
“I’d rather hang out with you, Steve,” he tells me. “Are you feeling any better today?”
Now it’s me who needs to look away. “I’m… tired, Sombra. I’m not as young as I used to be.”
Using the hand under his head, I awkwardly scratch Sombra’s chin. It does little to quell him, as both of his large eyes take on a glossy appearance.
He says quietly, “I’d really appreciate it, Steve, if you got up and played with me. We just got a new game in the mail today that I haven’t played yet. Even you might be good at it.”
I smile. “I haven’t held a controller in years, Sombra. My fingers barely move.”
“You could watch me play, then. Sit next to me like you used to.”
A tear hits the hand I’m scratching him with. I pretend not to notice it.
He asks, “Could I order you not to die, Steve? I used to give out orders all the time.”
I shake my head against my pillow. “I don’t think it works like that. Plus, I think it’s about time. I’m a hundred and forty-six years old. I’ve outlived my wife by sixty years. I’ve outlived more relatives than I can count. I’m the oldest living person in the world by decades. And I have a feeling some of that that has to do with you, doesn’t it?”
Sombra closes his eyes. A few more tears fall to the covers. “I tried, Steve. I really did. I wanted you to become immortal, like me, so we could hang out some more, but it didn’t work.” He opens his eyes and pleads to me, “I could try again, if you’d like. I’m sure I could think of something that could make you stay—that could make you live longer.”
I try to sit up, but find the movement too much work. “As much fun as it sounds to blow up from an untested spell, I think I’ll pass. You never made blowing up sound all that fun.” I lean back in my pillow. I say more to myself, “To think my pet pony’s going to outlive me.”
Sombra grins. “I was never your pet, Steve.”
“Then I was never your slave. So maybe I was your friend, all along?”
He sniffles. “Friends don’t leave friends alone, Steve.”
“I’m sure you’ll make a new friend.”
“I have trouble making friends. You’ve been my only friend so far.”
I roll my eyes. “Are you saying we both could’ve done better in the friend department?”
He ignores my last statement. “Remember the second time we went to Equestria, Steve?”
I exhale sharply. “Please, don’t remind me. I thought our first adventure was bad enough.”
Sombra hitches in a breath. “I never said thank you, Steve, for coming to get me before. You didn’t do all that much—since I still died in the end—but, I guess I should say thanks that you tried.”
I look at him, and feel my own tears welling in my eyes. “I’ve known you for a hundred and twenty years now, and I think that’s the first time you’ve said that to me. I must finally be rubbing off on you. If only you’d stop eating so much and playing violent videogames.”
He waits a long while, before telling me, “I’m going to miss you, Steve.”
“I’ll miss you, too, Sombra. But you’ll feel better, in time. I know you can make a new friend. You only need to stop being such a self-centered dick.”
He smiles thinly. “I think it would be easier if you stopped dying and spent some more time with me.”
I pat his head. It takes me a while, but I do. “I think I’m going to sleep now, okay? If you want, you can come and see me tomorrow and maybe I’ll be up for a game. All right?”
“Okay. I guess.” He slowly takes his head from my hand, pausing halfway to the door. He turns. “I’ll see you tomorrow, then.”
I nod. “You sure will.”
He closes the door behind him and I close my eyes, the gentle beat of the rain soothing me to sleep.
That’s the last time I see him.
Even after everything we’ve been through, I never really hated him.
***
For the past two months, my great-great-great Grandfather’s pet pony has been doing nothing but sleeping and crying. He sits all day long in his battered and duct-taped monstrosity of a couch and asks where Steve’s gone every time someone enters the living room.
The answer is simple, really. Steve’s dead. He’s been dead for a while. Hell, Sombra even attended his damn funeral. How could he not understand where he went to?
Thus far, my wife’s been the only one that’s made any progress with him. For hours, she’ll sit next to him on his couch, holding his leaking head in her hands, telling him things will get better. It’s still all so weird to me. I was born into a world full of humans and ponies (I also happen to be related to the one individual responsible for all that, but let’s not go there), and the knowledge that ex-King Sombra will not only outlive me, but could possibly live forever, I find more than unsettling. Why hasn’t anyone carved up the guy to see what makes him tick? What could the price on immortality be?
My wife and I moved into Grandpa Steve’s lavish home six months before he died. By that point he was already tied to a bed, so most of the house became ours. What Steve wanted from us was simple: take care of his pony and you’d never need to work another day in your lives. Enjoy the home, enjoy the pool, enjoy the flat screen TV and the early retirement, but make sure you take care of his pony. Feed him. Entertain him. Make sure he doesn’t choke on a chip and die. Can he die? I read in that book of Steve’s that he’s already been blown to bits twice. Maybe I’ll need to test that theory one of these days…
Anyways.
It’s all so very weird, isn’t it? Like one of those contracts some unfortunate character signs at the beginning of some cheap horror flick. It always sounds simple enough, but it is ever really that simple?
Regardless, Grandpa Steve does have the largest videogame collection I’ve ever seen. Which according to his will, actually means it’s mine now. And Sombra’s, I guess.
At the moment, Sombra’s on his couch, curled into a ball and whimpering to himself. I’d console him if I could, but the one time I tried, it ended with a helicopter ride to the nearest ER. So, for now, I let him do whatever he wants.
I pick out the first game from the shelf and pop it in—a first person shooter that looks nearly identical to the rest—and I begin the first mission. I’m terrible, but I’m not surprised. It’s been years since I’ve played anything besides the likes of Candy Crush .
What makes me nearly drop my controller is when Sombra asks me something.
“What did you say?” I ask.
Sombra stares at me from his couch, red-eyed with his trademark frown. “What are you playing, Not Steve?”
I pause the game and turn to him. “It’s a shooter and I already can’t remember the title. And just to set things straight, my name’s isn’t Not Steve, all right? It’s Greg. These are things you already know.”
He doesn’t answer me, and instead goes back to watching me play on the TV. When I pop someone’s head off with a sniper rifle, he giggles to himself.
“Are you laughing because I just killed someone, Sombra?”
He continues to watch. “No, Not Steve, only because you’re so bad at this game.”
I sigh. “Well, I just started playing, so—”
Sombra leaves his ratty old couch and comes over to mine. “Move over and let me play. I can only stand to watch your poor skills for so long.”
I slide over, clearing some space. I think this is the first time we’ve ever been on the same couch together.
He hovers a controller in front of him, joining the campaign I’m on. In less than a minute, he’s taken out half of the enemies, one shot kills all around. His giggles soon turn into a full laugh.
The mission ends and we wait in silence at the loading screen. Out of the corner of my eye, I see his smile fade as his chin starts to quiver.
He keeps watching the screen. He timidly asks, “Will you scratch my head, Not Steve?”
I tilt my head a bit. “You only let my wife do that before.”
He doesn’t respond, his eyes glancing in my direction.
I put the poor pony out of his misery and grab a chunk of his mane between his ears. If this was all a trap to devour my hand and crunch my bones, I knew my limitless bank account would always cover my new robot hand. This is 2135.
The next mission starts and Sombra plays the course by himself, my one hand busy scratching his skull. I try not to stare as his chin quivers again.
He works on the words for close to a minute, but eventually he asks, “Will you be my friend, New Steve?”
“As long as you stop calling me that.”
“Okay, Steve.”
Sombra slumps into my side and continues to play, happily overthrowing enemies left and right. From the reflection off the screen, I see the faintest of smiles on his face. I know I should feel happy for the little pony. Instead, I can’t help but ponder the horrible ramifications of what I’d just agreed to.
In a matter of minutes I’d somehow become the new Steve.
Author's Note
Hello there, dear reader. Care to try to understand what you just read? All right. I’ll give it a try.
Unmotivated started as a one-shot after I read a story by Sir Hat’s called “Ice”, involving a guy discovering a weakened Sombra in the middle of a snowstorm. Although I stopped reading when things got a tad sexual, I greatly enjoyed the back and forth banter between the pair. Also, if you’ve looked around at half of my stories, you’ll see I write about Sombra a lot.
I live in a condo. One night, I thought about what would happen if a pony suddenly appeared and spent some time here. The logical conclusion, of course, is that they’d become lazy due to humankind’s wonderful technology. Next, I had to figure out just how that pony arrived here. (There was no thought about this being more than a one-shot at this point, mind you.) Since the toaster seemed the dumbest possible way, I went with that.
I wrote the first chapter as you see it and thought it was entertaining enough. Reaction was nice and so were the comments, including a couple that thought I should continue the story. At the time, I had no idea how to continue it, besides Steve trying his best to evict his pet pony every week and Sombra thinking of new ways to stick around. Personal response to that idea: Meh.
Then someone suggested Twilight and company visit Earth to see if Sombra was still around. That was a more interesting idea, so that was the direction I took. At this point in time, this story was strictly a comedy.
So came the first ending.
This story was supposed to end with chapter 5, or “Betrayal… Later”. Steve was supposed to fork over Sombra, but then at the last minute decide he actually likes the little murderer. He’d then give a heartwarming speech that Som-bro’s his friend and already reformed and that they don’t need to take him away. Twilight would agree and that would be that. End credits.
So what happened, you ask? Well, the author decided to push the story a little further. Why? Because he’s a greedy little piggy that likes favs and comments more than fitting conclusions. That’s why.
What came next was a chapter involving Steve missing his little pony before he dives headfirst into Equestria. (At this point, this story is still a comedy.) Then came the chapter that changed the direction completely—the one entitled “Adventure… Later”, involving Discord running a mental institution.
I wrote it and thought nothing of it. To me, it was funny. Twilight and co. hand over Sombra to Discord and then Steve goes to get him back. The remainder of the story would’ve revolved around Steve and Sombra running around Ponyville in a Benny Hill type fashion with half the town chasing after them. Celestia would intervene and, again, Steve would make a speech about his good buddy being a good little pony all along.
Steve: “He sleeps fourteen hours a day and is sometimes so lazy he can’t even open the fridge.”
Sombra: “Stop it, Steve. You’re embarrassing me!”
Steve: “Watch this! He even lets me scratch his head!” *scratchy scratchy*
Sombra: “… I hate you so much right now.”
The end would have Celestia decrying that Sombra can stay with Steve and even asking (privately) for her own head scratch. Cute stuff, right?
So what happened to this ending? My editor happened, actually.
He read the first chapter with Steve in Equestria and rightfully asked just who would let Discord open up such a facility in the middle of Ponyville. Where did Twilight go to? Did something happen to Celestia? Why did the CMCs approach Steve so readily? Is this even the right Equestria?
And just like that, the dark part of my mind began to ponder overtime. I knew if I wanted to go down such a route, I’d need to make the decision before posting the next chapter and start laying down ground work. Truth be told, I spent half-a-day going back and forth, even creating a pros and cons list. Pros—it would extend the story for quiet some time and I love telling dark stories. Cons—I might completely sink a story that some people enjoy and completely polarize reader’s opinions of it.
Well, I’m not going to lie and say everyone enjoyed the dark turn, but, hey, no risk, no reward. Or something like that.
The story’s third ending is close to the one you read, only in that version Twilight’s plan goes off without a hitch and the two Equestrias merge successfully. Steve is taken to the good Equestria and Twilight suddenly finds herself in the Crystal Empire, not sure how she got there. Shiny Armoire pops by and she gives him a hug, not understanding why she misses him so much. Discord talks to Steve, explaining things, and then sends him home. A bittersweet ending, for sure.
I changed the final ending again basically because I found it a little sad and a little flat. Plus, the idea of Twilight, Discord, and the gang living on Earth creates a lot of fun goodies to mention. (Ones I didn’t mention in the Epilogue due to length include: Twilight becoming the President of the United States for life with “Honest” Applejack as her Vice President; and, Steve and Sombra visiting Disneyworld once they adjusted their rides to accommodate ponies.)
Now let’s talk about Mr. Sad Epilogue, which was one of the first things I thought about once there appeared to be some interest in the story. Sombra (in this version) is immortal, but Steve is not. So how does this type of relationship end? Obviously, you pass him on to the next of kin. I liked the idea and, since I’ve never written a deathbed scene before, thought it was a fitting ending to everything. The part with “New Steve” Greg was another last minute addition, but I thought it necessary to show that Sombra does eventually make a new friend for life. Another bitter sweet ending, to say the least.
I guess that’s all I need to say about this. Another big thank you to my editor spigo, who edited the first chapter and then got tricked into returning for the rest. Also, for his numerous comments and suggestions that I stole without mercy. He really needs to stop trusting people on the internet.
And, of course, a large thank you for reading all the way through. It’s because of people like you that this story went as far as it did and I had quite the fun time getting all dark while telling bad jokes. Since this is the second time I’ve disguised a dark story as a comedy, I really should do it more often.
Summary: Thanks for all the comments, likes, and faves. You’re all the reason I do what I do. See you next story.
Sombra The Highly Unmotivated
Author's Note
I'd originally planned to write a very short (1K) extra chapter and release in on my birthday mid-January, basically just as a present for myself. When a few more ideas climbed atop the original, I decided to write a longer chapter and finish it off before I forgot it.
So here's some (mostly) innocent fluff just for the hell of it. Enjoy.
Later (Bonus Chapter)
It’d come to my attention recently that Sombra was a manipulative little shit. Hard to say why it took me four months plus a week after Steve kicked the bucket to finally realize that, but now the evidence had become too clear to ignore.
What worked best was when I reminded myself of all the negative things he’d done throughout his life. Like that he’d been a king at some point, overseeing others and directing slaves and armies to march to war. Not to mention that continued fascination of his with death and gore and terrible jokes.
It was just so hard to remember these things when he had that Pringles can stuck to his muzzle again. How could someone so mischievous be so dumb? Hell, he probably thought the exact same of me.
“Greg?” Sombra asked, his voice muffled from the can. “It’s… it’s happened again.”
I sighed and reached over to him on the couch, one hand on his horn and one hand on the can. One pop noise later and the furry mass murderer was free once more. Murderer . I had to keep using words like that to remind myself of who I was dealing with. Sociopath . That was another good one. If only the terms lazy, sweet, fluffy, and thoughtful didn’t spring to mind at nearly the exact same time.
***
I looked at Susanne across the dinner table and took a pull from my beer. “You see Fluffy Butt lately?” I asked.
“Nap Master?” she replied with a snort. “Nope. But I’m not surprised. He rarely shows up when he knows it’s my turn to cook.”
I nodded and leaned back in my chair. Months ago I’d called a family meeting, if anyone could call our little arrangement a family: the wife, myself, and our pet pony. I laid out my idea to the other two that we had to start eating better and actually start using the expensive dinner table in the kitchen every little while, Susanne and I alternating as the family cook every night. Sombra raised a hoof and asked what day of the week he’d be in charge of. I laughed. He didn’t. Since then, every Friday had been Sombra day. Also, takeout night.
“I think he’s updating his blog,” Susanne informed me at the table. “You ever read that thing? I think he expects us to.”
I rolled my eyes. “I’d imagine he would. And sadly, I’m stuck in control of most of it.”
Susanne cocked a brow. “Care to elaborate?”
“Remember in Steve’s will about us taking the house and the money as long as we take Sombra, too?”
She nodded. “The Sombra Stipulations. I’ve read them over as much as you have. Sombra’s got those pages laminated and framed above his bed. Or… the couch he still calls a bed.”
“One of the agreements was that he remain ‘happy’ and ‘content’ while in our care, or the closest thing to that. Now he’s releasing his inner most thoughts onto the Internet for just anyone to read.”
Susanne smiled thinly. “I take it by your bitterness that the ‘Internet’ doesn’t exactly like Sombra’s everyday musings?”
“Right-o. Or sort of . They may like his one- or five-star no bullshit reviews on movies, but his actual supporters are very far and few in-between. Most know him from that book of Steve’s and all the shit he’d done in Equestria. Also, from all those infamous talk show appearances and those select few that just hate ponies in general.”
“Sombra’s blog getting a lot of bad comments, then?”
I whistled. “Try bad forums worth of comments. Not to mention web pages linking to the blog; comments in all capitals with exclamation points; full blown video responses.”
“Even Sombra doesn’t deserve that.” She grimaced. “How’s Sombra holding up?”
I finished off another portion of my beer, hopeful to wash away some of the more elaborate insults aimed at Sombra. “He’s fine. Actually, he’s just peachy. Since I was the one that set him up with the site, I’m also the one that controls it, so to speak. He knows how to write and update and that’s about it. And post fan art, as little as he gets. Everything else is left to me. Including comment culling.”
“Deleting only the bad comments, Greg?” she spoke as she carried the dishes to the sink. “Aren’t you a big sweetie. But you must realize that by doing that for him, you’re just sticking him inside a bubble—a bubble safe and sound from anything even remotely negative.”
With a hand, I indicated the kitchen around us—the dark marble countertops, the stainless steel fridge and separate freezer, the restaurant-sized oven and grill, the thirty piece knife set and butcher’s block. “You wouldn’t consider this a bubble of sorts? A bubble Steve trapped us in with his very deep pockets?”
Susanne turned away from the sink. “We’re not trapped, Greg. We travel. We have fun. We enjoy life. We’re only able to enjoy an easier life than most thanks to what Steve left you.”
“He left me a never-ending pony project is what he did.”
“He left us a pet. A sweet one, too. You’re honestly going to sit there and tell me you haven’t warmed up to him since he stopped moping about? It’s clear he’s changed since we’ve moved in.”
I thought on that.
“And I don’t think you’d be spending so much time clearing out Sombra’s blog unless you cared about him at least at bit.”
I pointed a finger at her. “That’s called survival, Susanne. Three weeks ago, remember how gloomy he was? How irritable? All that because someone called him ‘fat’ online.”
“That is rather mean.”
“P-H-phat. They actually thought he was cool. They also might’ve been a skinhead, but let’s not get sidetracked here.” I ran a hand through my hair. “I’ll be as nice to Sombra as long as Sombra is nice to me. Simple as that. I’m just not buying everything he’s selling. He wants more ice cream, he ain’t getting it. Sombra Stipulation No. 64: Don’t feed him too much junk food. Sombra Stipulation No. 2: Don’t let him die. He might get all pouty and teary eyed without his sweets and pretend to miss Steve all of a sudden, but shit like that, I just won’t buy anymore. Not from him. He’s a source of income and that’s that.”
I crossed my arms to show how serious I was. My wife did the same, only she added a head tilt to the pose.
“Is that why I found you and him napping together so peacefully in the living room again today? What have you been calling him lately? Fluffy Butt the Nap Master?”
I felt my cheeks flush. My failure to answer must’ve said enough.
I really didn’t think she saw that , I thought dourly.
Since I had no defense in the matter, I polished off the rest of my beer and threw the can in the trash. Susanne playfully patted my stomach where I stood.
“I was gonna warn you about drinking too much, but I can’t say that seems to be a problem. You start exercising when I haven’t been looking?”
I paused, putting a hand on top of hers. “Walking around the house, if you could call that exercise.”
She tipped me a wink as she strolled out from the kitchen. “Keep it up. But maybe less naps with Sombra, hmm?” she japed.
I laughed dryly and ran another hand through my hair. It seemed fuller for some reason—the few strands of grey around the temples not as noticeably as before. But I wasn’t about to question good fortune.
On the way out from the kitchen, I took a quick glance at the couch in the living room.
Stupid fluffy Sombra .
***
The title “Fluffy Butt the Nap Master” wasn’t just some random term that happened to tickle my fancy. It had developed slowly, over the course of a couple weeks, when I would say I was at my all-time laziest.
It was inevitable, I must admit. Given several lifetimes worth of cash, a house with ten times as many rooms as were needed, and with no jobs to devour our time, there was not much else to do besides become one with the pony we were supposed to keep entertained. During the mornings, Sombra would play one of his many video games, yelling at the poor teenager on the other end that had trouble speaking English. Then he’d eat a lunch big enough to make him fall asleep.
It was usually when Sombra napped that I’d toil away on my laptop or read a book. If neither of those interested me much, the midday sun shining through the windows was just warm enough to want to sleep under. And, yes, I know that’s what cats do. Maybe that was the issue with preparing Sombra’s lunch everyday, as that usually meant I ate the same thing. And every time I strolled around the kitchen and cooked, that little black pony would sit on the barstool against the island and ask how my sex life was going.
It was moments like these that reminded me Sombra had the ability to live forever. Was he already trying to secure the next poor soul that would take care of him until they weathered away and died? What a terrible thought that was. My whole bloodline screwed, basically. Maybe I’d rethink that vasectomy idea again. Unless Sombra had the ability to reverse it somehow …
With my hands propped under my head on the couch, I fell asleep. An hour or so later, I pried open my eyes and managed to hold in a scream by sheer will alone.
Dead ahead of me was Sombra’s snout, less than an inch away from my nose. His tongue lolled out between his teeth and his eyes were closed. The first thought that came to mind was being eaten alive while I slept, but that soon sailed out the window. It wouldn’t make sense. I was too important to him. I made him lunch and could reach things on the top shelf. My second thought was a far more abstract one.
King Sombra the cuddlier?
It wasn’t beyond the realm of possibilities. He’d softened up quite a bit during his time with Steve and his impulses for global takeover had effectively been dropped by the wayside. Had Sombra become a big softy since living here?
Truthfully, it didn’t matter. It was still plain weird.
Using the arm not pinned underneath me, I gave his shoulder a shove until he faced the other direction. Once he was near the edge of the couch, I stopped. I didn’t want to throw him to the floor and sour what relationship we had. But the moment I stopped shoving him, the pony scooted backed up until his back was pressed against my chest.
That little shit. That stupid fluffy little shit.
He was practically a portable heater—a furry one, granted, but a heater. A heater that ate Captain Crunch right out of the box and refused to make a new pot of coffee if he took the last cup. I sighed, admitting defeat for the time being. In front of me, Sombra snored on, or at least pretended to. Wrapping my arm around the big softy, I gave his chin a quick scratch and then continued on with my nap, promising myself this would be a onetime thing.
Sombra chuckled quietly.
***
On the laptop in my office, I reviewed the latest comment on Sombra’s blog and sent it to the bin. A comment about finding Sombra’s “Top Ten Best Couch Cushions” far more digestible than his “Top Ten Torture Tools You Need To Try This Winter.” Before I could move onto the next one, Susanne popped her head into my office.
“Get the email?” she asked flatly. “Or the invitation, I mean?”
I clicked out of the blog. “I haven’t checked, but I’m sure it’s there. What movie are we on again?”
“Can’t remember. Lost count around number thirty-six.” She frowned. “How long are we supposed to keep this up?”
“Until Sombra grows bored of it.”
“He’s not the type that gets bored easily.”
“I’ve come to notice that.” I scooted out my office chair to face her. “But what’s the harm? Sombra likes films, so he picks out a series and we watch them together. A guy like that has all the time in the world, so he’s just trying his best to eat it up. At least he doesn’t like trash. Or… complete trash.” I smirked. “One movie a night won’t kill us. And he sets them up for us.”
“He had the basement turned into a theater just to watch films with us.”
“You’d rather it be converted into a dungeon?”
She didn’t laugh. I thought it was funny.
I smirked. “But the popcorn’s nice.”
“Can’t say the same about the pony handing it out, though.”
Later that night, Susanne and I descended the stairs to the house’s far too big basement. Along the hallway that fed to the theater was a series of framed movie posters, some from films over a hundred years old. We exited the hallway and entered the “Snack Lobby” portion of the place. Before, I’d tried to force the word ‘concession’ into Sombra’s head, but it never stuck. Each time I entered the “Snack Lobby” I still had to suppress my giggles as I strolled up to the counter and made an order.
Sombra stood behind the counter with his hooves resting along the top. Around his torso, he had on a button-up vest and nametag reading: “K. Sombra”. The one time I asked him about a hairnet, I was pretty sure he tried to spit in my popcorn bag when I wasn’t looking.
Regardless, it was cute. A little creepy, too.
I was almost certain he’d gotten the idea of building a personal movie theater after watching a repeat of Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous . Why he wanted to hand out snacks before the show and play dress up was still anyone’s guess. Was he trying to show a softer side of himself? A nicer side? Or had living for so many years by then just scrambled his brains beyond repair, leaving him a lonely, desperate, and sad individual, highly dangerous and deranged?
Important questions could wait. Buttery popcorn came now.
I placed my hands on the counter. “Hi, Lloyd. Little slow tonight, isn’t it?”
Sombra furrowed his brows. “What? What are you talking about? Greg, it’s me. Sombra.” He pointed at his nametag to prove it.
A swing and a miss .
I sighed and raised two fingers. “Two popcorns. Two pops. And did you ever get any candy besides Fuzzy Peaches in stock?”
He glanced at the glass counter below—the one loaded end to end with dozens of bags of Fuzzy Peach and nothing else. He set the popcorn and pops on the counter. “But I like Fuzzy Peach , Greg.”
“But that doesn’t mean that everyone does.”
“Why wouldn’t they?”
“Because not everyone likes the same things as you.”
“Why not?”
“Because….”
When it became clear I was confusing him, I dropped the subject and grabbed our snacks off the counter. Instinctively, I shut my eyes and waved the smoke from the air, knowing for a fact that Sombra had teleported into the theater ahead of us. Every time it played out the same. Give out snacks and then be the first to grab their seat. For mostly juvenile reasons.
Most home theaters I studied online had anywhere from five to twelve seats. Ours had only three, seated in the very center of the room and staring up at the twelve-by-ten foot screen on the wall. Already, Sombra had claimed the middle seat, a large tub of popcorn in his lap. He watched us enter and take our seats on both sides of him, then clapped his hooves three times together to kill the lights.
On the screen, the thirty-seventh James Bond adventure started to play and I settled into my seat. For the longest time, I just couldn’t get my damn cup into my cup holder.
Sombra levitated a kernel into his mouth and turned to me. “You think they’ll finally get him this time? No one can stay this lucky forever. They just can’t .”
I lightly patted his head. “You never know, bud. You never know.”
Actually, I did know. For a fact.
If over a hundred years of James Bond lore had taught me anything, it was that the odds of James Bond dying by the end of one of his own films were highly suspect. Too bad what Sombra liked most about the films were their villains and little else.
Goldfinger. Blofeld. Silva. Jaws. Oddjob.
Not to mention his personal favorite baddie of them all—Christopher Walken as the batshit crazy Max Zorin from A View to a Kill . Zorin laughed. He gunned people down in cold blood while laughing. Then he fell off a bridge and laughed some more. To Sombra, that was what real villainy was supposed to look like; giggles and death and plain insanity all around.
I could still remember Sombra almost in tears when Zorin’s plan failed, hiding his face behind his pop. “He was so young,” I heard him squeak out. “He had so much more villainy left to do! And then that stupid Bond had to come ruin it all! Hasn’t he ruined enough villains’ careers by now? When will someone put a stop to him once and for all?”
To console the bastard, I gave him what popcorn I had left. Then I told him that every time a new actor took on the role of Bond, it meant a villain had actually done away with the suave figure and he’d had to be replaced. At that Sombra smiled, before demanding a copy of Bond’s demise. Hopefully by now he’d forgotten I’d ever mentioned it.
By the time I found my cup holder again, I tried to focus on the film. It was one of the newer ones, less than twenty years old and with at least ten percent of the cast filled by ponies. Not any large roles, mind you. In this particular film, one of the henchmen was played by a stallion called Iron Hooves, who bucked just about anything or anyone that happened to get in their way. In the opening action sequence, Bond got his ribs broken by the dastardly pony and spent the next three months holed up in a hospital, piecing together the beginnings of the mystery he was bound to solve over the course of the film.
When Iron Hooves struck Bond and sent him reeling off the building he was on, Sombra almost spilled his popcorn in surprise. He snapped his head back and forth between Susanne and me, clapping his hooves together childishly. “I think this is the one, Greg! Bond’s going to die this time, I guarantee it!”
I left him to fantasize. Whether I said anything or not, his dreams would be crushed in time. I turned to him to see what he’d do next, but already he was leaning his head against my wife’s arm, letting her other hand scratch at his head.
It was clear why he always wanted the middle seat.
If only his slaves could see their King now .
***
That night after the film, I spent a good ten minutes in front of the bathroom mirror, trying to pop a pimple that had arrived in the center of my forehead and refused to go away. Disgruntled, I washed my face until it hurt and made a mental note to cut out the crap—sugar, grease, whatever Sombra was hungry for that day.
A dozen steps towards our bedroom later, I stopped and listened to a voice in air. Even from all the way down the hall, I could hear Sombra writing again. And by writing, I didn’t mean he was scratching his pen loud enough to make a noise or mashing his keyboard until it broke. Rather, Sombra was the type that liked to talk as he wrote—most likely from all that time spent as a monologue-crazed tyrant.
Honestly, it hadn’t been my intention to eavesdrop. If Sombra had been updating his blog, I would’ve just turned around, crawled into bed, and called it a night.
If only he hadn’t had said that name.
“I… uhh… hope things are going well, Steve,” I heard him speak. “I’m not sure what kind of accommodations you have up there, but I could always send you some money if you really needed it. Maybe get away from all those gross, poor dead people and into the richer neighborhood. It shouldn’t cost much and I still have lots. But I guess it’s your money, though. Were you able to bring it up there with you? I’m still not sure how this whole death thing works on Earth. Everyone I ask online seems to have a very different answer for me. Most think the place I’ll wind up in will be someplace hot. That’s fine, though. I’m sick of snow.”
I stood silent outside his door, a lump in my throat. The door had been left ajar and I could see Sombra sitting at the edge of his couch, a piece of paper and pen under his head. He spoke as he moved the pen with his horn.
“Today was fine, I guess. We had tacos for dinner and Susanne made them. But I guess you already knew that, having watched her make them. Can you see everything up there? That’s what Susanne says, although it’s hard to believe. That also means you’re a pervert, Steve. Stop being a pervert. What I do on my throne is between me and my throne.” He paused and thought about what to write next. “Is Luna up there? I’d feel terrible if she was and you had to deal with her. Although if you do see her, could you kick her in the shin for me? Oh, who I am kidding. Luna would never be admitted up there. You’d be where good ponies go.”
In the gloom of the hallway, I sighed and pinched the bridge of my nose.
As a grieving exercise months ago, Susanne had shown Sombra the simple art of letter writing—telling him that channeling one’s grief into a mock letter to the deceased could help ease the pain. What she failed to mention was that the letters were never meant to get mailed at all… and would actually never reach those you were writing to.
Such a long while later and Sombra still had no idea—all those letters to Steve remained locked away in the drawer of my desk. Excuses why Steve hadn’t written back were becoming much harder and harder to come up with.
Deep in my own thoughts, I completely missed a chunk of what Sombra wrote next.
Through the door, I could see his eyes start to water. “I really miss you, Steve. You were my only friend in the world and then you left me. You just left and you didn’t even ask if you could. The answer was no , Steve. That wasn’t part of the plan.That wasn’t supposed to happen.” He hitched it a breath. “I thought we were friends….”
I gripped the edge of the door, prepared to push in and console him when I was once again stopped by his words.
“Although… I don’t really mind those idiots you stuck me with. Greg and Susanne, I think. I guess they can stay here, as long as they don’t get in the way.” He ran a leg under his eyes. “Do… do you think they like me, Steve? I’ve been trying to be nice, I really have, but it’s hard. I was able to insult you and you just took it in stride. Greg… he’s not as witty as you. Or as sarcastic. He doesn’t insult back.”
Only in my head , I thought.
“We have movie nights now, and sometimes we even have dinner together. It’s nice. It’s… I really hope they stay. And before you start to worry, I promise I’m not going to make the same mistake as I made with you. I’ve learned a lot since then and I think this time it’ll work. So, sorry, but that means you might not be seeing Greg up there for a while.”
The hard lump in my throat began to slide down towards my gut.
Sombra nodded to indicate just how serious he was taking all this. “I don’t want to be left alone, Steve, so I’m going to make Greg immortal, too. Only this time, I won’t screw it up. The problem with you was that I tried to make you immortal and remain that way, but all that did was slow your aging by the tiniest bit. With Greg, I’ve instead reversed the aging—day by day, month by month. I’ve even made him a little healthier, too.”
I grabbed at my diminished gut. So that’s where my love handles and grey hair went , I thought, even as a large part of me wanted to do anything besides just act casual.
“It all has to do with body contact,” Sombra continued, far happier than he’d sounded minutes prior. “Whenever one of them goes to sleep, I just curl up beside them and reverse the aging process without them knowing. It’s simple, really, once you know what you’re doing. And I don’t think they’ve caught on yet.”
And that would explain Sombra’s sudden cuddly nature.
It was all clicking into place—into horrible place. Now the one question that remained was if a stern talking-to would do the trick or if Susanne and I had to pack up and find a motel before we wound up becoming fully functioning babies by accident one morning.
“Can you keep a secret, Steve?” Sombra asked the room, glancing at a framed picture of Steve and him in Disney World next to Mickey Mouse. “I’m really hoping to surprise him. Greg, I mean. I’m thinking about turning him into a unicorn. I’ve even done a few tests on some rabbits I found outside. Growing horns is pretty easy, actually.”
I touched the pimple on my forehead, praying it was only part of the de-aging process and nothing else.
“I think it would be fun,” he continued. “We could both be unicorns and live forever and hang out a bunch. Do you think Discord could help with that? I know half my blog’s dedicated to my severe loathing towards the fellow, but… he still might, right? If he had nothing better to do?” He sighed. “Maybe I’ll give Greg a tail first and see how he likes it. I think it’s his birthday’s coming up next month.”
By then, I’d heard enough. Actually, far beyond enough. On numb legs, I crept back into my room and slid into bed beside Susanne, my eyes as wide as they would go.
She put her book down when she noticed me shaking. “Something wrong?”
How could I put this delicately?
Sombra The Highly Unmotivated
Later Later (Bonus Chapter)
It took close to fifteen minutes to explain everything I’d overheard to Susanne. I would’ve spilled it all a lot faster, but every couple seconds I kept prodding my forehead to see if my ugly pimple had grown. Immediately after that, I slid a hand down my spine to search for the hints of a tail. So far, so good. But that didn’t mean that one wasn’t already in the works.
I could tell Susanne wasn’t taking the news very well. She’d slammed her book shut without putting the bookmark back in. As a semi-bookworm, Susanne losing her place in her latest novel was close to being personally slapped in the face with a hardcover.
She pursed her lips. “You think… you think we should go talk to him?”
“I think we should get the hell out of the house, actually,” I replied bluntly, my sense of humor on the subject nowhere to be found. “And far, far away from Sombra. At least until we figure this out.”
“Sombra won’t take that well.”
“I don’t care how Sombra takes it. He’s crossed the line. If he’d have asked if he could do something like this, then it would be a different story. I would’ve still said ‘no,’ but… you get what I mean.”
As I spoke, I hurried around the room, gathering a random assortment of socks and pants and shirts. I hauled out the pair of suitcases in the closet and collected some toiletries from the bedroom bathroom. Easily the fastest I’d ever packed in my life.
I glimpsed Susanne chewing on a nail.
“Something on your mind?” I asked.
“A lot,” she replied, still chewing. “Did he happen to say anything about me? What… what’s going to happen to me?”
I shook my head and threw an extra pair of shoes into the suitcase. “No, but I could venture a guess.” I looked at her. “Sombra ever curled up next to you when you were asleep?”
She paled from the question. I took that as a definite yes .
“Then that means he’s trying to make you immortal, too. To keep me company, I guess.” I chuckled dryly. This was completely insane. How was it Steve put up with this type of crap for over a hundred years?
Having finally heard enough, Susanne left the bed and scooped out a few more items to pack. She said to me almost angrily, “He just has to be so darn cute sometimes, you ever notice that? I’d be reading and I’d fall asleep and next thing you know, he’s wrapped around my side with a big smirk on his face. That little jerk! Thinks he can just get what he wants, whenever he wants!”
I tried to soothe her a bit. “It might only be overreacting on his part, Susanne. Steve’s still fresh in the dirt and this might be Sombra’s way of dealing with things. Securing his caretakers for the next billion years so he doesn’t have to worry about it too much.”
Susanne’s pale face turned green. “Billion? ”
What I’d said didn’t appear to have calmed her much. “Figure of speech. Try a thousand years, then.”
She rubbed at a temple. “Oh, so much better! I can’t wait to explain to my parents how their daughter’s became an immortal pony out of the blue!”
I lifted both hands beside my head. “Take a breath. Calm down. I’m on your side and thankfully we now know what’s going on and can react rationally. The last thing we want to do is lose our cool. What we also don’t want to do is confront Sombra while we’re mad, otherwise he might get scared and do something he’ll regret.”
Susanne exhaled slowly. “And he won’t freak out when he finds we’ve left suddenly?”
“I’ll leave him a note or something. ‘Gone to get bacon. We ran out.’ I’m sure he’ll understand the urgency necessary.”
It looked as though Susanne had more to say, but she held it in as she got dressed and grabbed her suitcase. I pulled on some jeans and brought my own bag to the door. I gave her a quick peck on the cheek, feeling a tiny bit more confident about everything after all.
I gave her a one-sided grin. “But say I was turned into a pony? Does that mean you’d leave me?”
She laughed tiredly. “You’d need to be one damn cute pony, Greg. And considering you never started off cute…”
I chuckled, then felt my elation drop. “This is insane,” I admitted, before I opened the door to the hall.
Sombra was already waiting there, a tight smile on his face.
He glanced up at me. “What’s insane, Greg?”
My eyes went from him to the suitcase in my hand. I gently set in on the floor out of sight. “Nothing,” I chirped. “Just how… thirsty I am, all of a sudden. Yep. Better head on down to the kitchen, then.”
“Oh?” Sombra brightened. “Why didn’t you say so? Here you go.” From somewhere in the gloom of the hallway came a floating glass of ice water. He set it in my trembling hand.
Sombra cocked his head to the side. “Aren’t you going to take a sip, given how thirsty you said you were?”
I brought the glass to my lips and more-or-less tilted the cup until I felt cold liquid touch my skin. For all I knew, there might’ve been pure unicorn formula in there.
To my side, Susanne started forward, her eyes darting from me to Sombra in rapid succession. “I was actually going to grab a glass of milk, actually. Warm milk. Hard to sleep without one. Care to join me, Greg?”
I nodded, thankful for the escape.
Sombra didn’t budge from his spot. “Well you’re in luck, then, Susanne.” Another glass appeared out of the darkness—a steaming glass of milk right into Susanne’s hands.
Sombra was nearly beaming now. “Anything else? I just wanted to make sure my two best friends have everything they need before bed.”
His toxic red-and-green eyes travelled from me to Susanne, almost as if daring one of us to ask for something more. Would a cheese pizza float to me if I demanded one? Honestly, I wouldn’t be all that surprised by this point.
“Odd choice of pajamas, isn’t it?” Sombra spoke as he noted my jeans and t-shirt. “You sleep in those now?”
I nodded faintly. “New fashion trend. Saves me a good five-minutes in the morning.”
“And the packed suitcases?”
My throat went dry. I drank some of my ice water and then put a hand to my tailbone again. Nothing… yet .
“In case of a fire,” Susanne wonderfully spoke for us both.
Sombra narrowed his eyes at us suspiciously. “Oh, all right. I guess that all makes sense. For a while there, I almost thought you two might’ve been… up to something .”
A pregnant pause followed that. Neither of us said anything.
“Well, goodnight.” Sombra leaned his head to the side anxiously.
I gave Susanne a gentle shove forward. She rolled her eyes and gave Sombra a hesitant head scratch, seemingly keeping the rest of her body as far away from him as possible.
“Goodnight… Sombra,” she said weakly, as she closed the door on his grinning face.
For a moment, she stared at the hand she’d used to touch him. Then she looked at me.
“I look any younger to you?”
***
The next morning was a rather quiet one. Tense and awkward.
I sat with a fresh cup of (personally made) coffee and watched TV as Susanne made herself toast in the kitchen. Sombra surprised us both by sitting at the kitchen island only a few minutes after we’d both entered. Current escape plans were immediately put on hold.
I tried to focus on the news report I’d randomly flipped to. A female co-anchor sat next to a wide smiling stallion in a blue suit coat and tie. His mane had been slicked back with a heavy amount of gel.
“Starting the morning off on a lighter note,” the stallion read clearly, “the White House had quite the surprise this morning when a man claiming to be the rightful President of the United States showed up at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue and demanded to be let inside. When further questioned on his claims, he loudly stated he was late for an important meeting and that the seventy-seventh elected President wouldn’t stand for such utter non-sense. He then went on to say that they had the wrong President inside.”
“Seventy-seventh President?” asked his female co-anchor, chuckling warmly. “Meaning he’d already finished his term?”
The stallion flashed his award winning teeth at the camera again. “I guess in his mind he must not have. All I can say to that is: I sure don’t remember voting for the fellow!”
The co-anchor laughed again, covering her mouth with a hand. “Oh, you! You’re such a card, you know that?”
The stallion shuffled the papers on the desk. “A Joker card, perhaps!”
I grunted in disgust. And here I thought ponies couldn’t possibly make news reporting anymore corny than it already was.
Before they cut to the whether report with trusty pegasus correspondent “Gusty Winds”, the co-anchor asked the stallion, “So, Creamed Corn , care to give viewers an update on—”
Click!
I shut the TV off. Guess I couldn’t ignore reality any longer. By that point the bits of buttered toast Susanne kept throwing at the back of my head to get my attention had begun to get annoying. I grabbed my coffee and sat down next to Sombra on the kitchen island. He had a magazine spread out in front of him, alongside a notepad and pen.
As I glanced over his shoulder, I saw a half-dozen crude doodles of unicorns and… more unicorns. It seemed Sombra liked what he liked. Not good news for us.
Sombra was nodding, interested. “All right, Susanne, so what’s your second favorite color? And remember, red and black aren’t viable options. No one likes those two together.”
Susanne was looking away from him, nibbling on the side of her toast. “Can I get back to you on that?”
“Nope.” Sombra shook his head, staring at his magazine. “I really want us all to answer this questionnaire. I feel it’s important that we get to know each other a bit better.”
“You don’t think you know me well enough, Sombra?” Susanne asked softly, spacing her words to take up as much time as possible.
Sombra frowned deeply. “No! Now second favorite color. Now!”
She shrugged. “Lime green?”
Nodding, Sombra made another note. “So sunflower yellow and lime green. Those should go nicely together, I think. I’ll have to dig out my old Crayons before I can be sure.”
I guess that was answer enough. Favorite colors? As in mane and tail colors? Susanne was indeed on Sombra’s pony-creation-station list. She even got to pick out which colors she wanted. I wondered what Sombra would say if I told him I wanted an all-black dye job and a warped red horn? Would he consider it stupid or love it to bits? It was difficult gauging how Sombra would react. One moment, he could be as sweet as a kitten. The next moment, he could suddenly become a kitten you’d have no troubles drowning in a lake with your shoes and socks still on. That was saying a lot, too. You know how uncomfortable wet shoes felt?
Sombra went down his list of questions. “Susanne, have you ever had a dream about flying? Or, say, about moving things with your mind? And if so, which one did you like better?”
Susanne nearly choked on the remaining bit of her toast. The favorite color questions might not have set off any giant alarms, but this one sure had. “I had a dream about being human before,” she said casually, “I think that was my favorite dream of all.”
Sombra giggled. “Sorry, no human dreams in the questions here. Just to be safe, I’ll answer this question for you. I do know what’s best sometimes.”
As Sombra jotted down a few more lines, Susanne shot me a look and mouthed the words, “Do something! ” At that, I shrugged and glanced over at Sombra. What did she expect me to do? Karate chop his head and hope to be done with him once and for all? Didn’t she realize who we were dealing with? The first time he’d died, he’d split an entire universe in two. The second time he’d died, he’d transported millions of inhabitants just by thinking about it. If he suddenly died in the kitchen, what the hell would happen to everyone? Or the world for that matter? What happens if he’s thinking about cereal at the time of his death? Would the world’s water supply suddenly be full of Fruity Pebbles and milk? Or would the Grand Canyon suddenly fill up with bacon and eggs?
After those random images, I thought of Sombra in a completely different light. If he still had these types of mystical powers, then a lot might still be resting on him. But how could something so powerful be incased in something so nefarious and stupid? Was some higher being testing us just by having Sombra exist to begin with? Maybe more importantly: why ?
I shook my head. I was getting off track. Priority number still one remained the same.
Don’t become an immortal pony.
Take out the recycling.
Number two could wait, though. First—
Suddenly, Susanne was looking at me expectantly. So was Sombra actually.
“What?” I blurted out.
Susanne gave me a thin smile that made my stomach drop. “Sombra told me he was planning on heading for a nap. I told him not before Greg gives him a pet. You were telling me just yesterday how fluffy he was.”
Sombra turned on his stool and looked at me as if I’d suddenly become a personal never-ending potato chip dispenser. “Really? You said that? I have been trying a new conditioner.”
I gave a glance to my wife that told her she’d pay for this later. Then I gave Sombra a hearty scratch under the chin. It was only after he’d left to go to the couch that I realized he’d never asked me what my favorite colors were alongside Susanne’s.
Maybe I really was destined for black on black.
***
Susanne gave Sombra’s snout a sharp flick as he snored on.
“What did you do to him?” she asked in a hushed tone. “I know he’s a heavy sleeper, but…”
“I drugged him,” I answered plainly, standing next to her overlooking the couch.
“Drugged him?”
“Yep. A week’s worth of sleep-aid in his morning cup of gravy.”
“Think he’ll be all right?”
I turned to her. “I think it would take a lot more to kill a pony that has a daily gravy intake schedule.”
She nodded. “True. So what now? We just leave and think of a better way to approach this?”
“You want to talk to him one-on-one still?” I indicated the notepad Sombra had been writing in earlier. While he was sleeping, her and I flipped through it and took turns grimacing and moaning by what we found inside.
Besides the scant section of questions and answers near the front (mostly useless notes—as Susanne and I seemed destined to become unicorns no matter what), Sombra had also taken it upon himself to start a self-made comic book where he was the star and we were his sidekicks. The unicorn Susanne watched over the “Som-base” and the “Som-signal”, while Sombra and I tangoed with the horrendous likes of Twilight and Discord, who were generally defeated with little to no effort on our part.
Here was page 16:
Left panel, speech bubble—SOMBRA: “You should’ve known you two stood no chance against me and my immaculate mane!”
Right panel, speech bubble—DISCORD: “He’s right.”
Was this what immortality did to someone? Rotted their brains until each and every one of their thoughts made sense when looked at in a certain light? It would’ve made sense for Sombra. Even a thousands years ago, he was the type that thought he knew best. Before he only wanted to control kingdoms; now he only wanted to control the few friends he had.
I would openly welcome a war against Sombra than whatever this was becoming.
It was clear the contents of Sombra’s book had cooled Susanne’s willingness to try and reason with the pony. Like me, she’d agreed some distance might be good to get our thoughts together and stay safe. Remain human, too.
She was chewing on her nail again. “He’ll trash the place—the moment he sees we’re gone. I just know it.”
I put a hand on her shoulder. “Then we’ll hire someone to clean it, although I’d doubt he’ll go through the trouble. Wrecking a house takes motivation and energy… and Sombra has neither. The worst he’ll do is, I dunno, clog the toilet out of spite.”
Susanne sighed. “What an ass.” Then she caught herself and blushed. “I mean… Sombra’s the ass, not his… you know… never mind.”
I pulled the car keys from my pocket. “Let’s blow this place.”
***
A ways from home and I knew something was off. Sixty years ago, cars stopped being mostly dependant on gas. Thirty years ago, they found ways to make them self-drivable. Ten years ago, they’d become so sleek and so streamlined, owning a car had become more akin to sitting it a comfortable metal box until you arrived at your destination.
On the car’s touch-screen, I searched out the nearest hotel and booked a room under a fake name. Then I feed the directions to the car and off we went, as quiet as a whisper. I should’ve felt better than I was: our bags were packed and we were giving ourselves some room to breathe. Was I feeling bad for Sombra for some reason? I wasn’t sure. Maybe it was that nagging feeling that he might be cleverer than he let on. He got us good with those cute little naps before, hadn’t he?
“We could always send a neighbor to check on him,” Susanne said reassuringly.
“But you forget how few neighbors we have,” I reminded her. “And that fact none of them like Sombra.”
That was when black smoke started pouring through the micro-thin air vents and into the car.
“Smoke?” Susanne shouted. “How could the car be smoking? Its ‘engine’ doesn’t even use—”
I missed whatever she’d said next. The following moment, the car swerved sharply to the left and then to the right. The autopilot must’ve been screwed up.
I took control of the car and gripped the wheel with both hands, but it did little good. The smoke billowing out of the vents had become so thick and so invasive I couldn’t see anything out of the windshield. My foot went to the brake and I gasped. Something had already hammered down the accelerator.
I veered to the right to avoid oncoming traffic and the car dropped off the road, stopping the moment it made impact at the bottom of a shallow hill. I hardly felt the crunch of metal at all. The airbags didn’t even deflate.
“You okay?” I asked Susanne, waving away the smoke. She gave me a nod and undid her seatbelt. It was weird, the smoke. It was so thick, I’d expected to be choking by now, but—
The thick smoke collected and solidified in the backseat as the shape of a deeply frowning Sombra.
“How could you!? ” he started the conversation off loudly.
“How could we what?” I yelled back. “You just crashed our car! ”
“That’s because you left me all alone!”
I pointed a finger at him. “We were going to the store. You were asleep, so we didn’t tell you. We forgot to—”
“Lies!” he trumpeted. “Oh, how many lies can you contain in that frail human body of yours, Greg? Hmm? One? Two? A trillion? How many until they start shooting out your ass?”
“I am not lying, Sombra,” I tried to explain.
Wisps of smoke still clung to the ends of Sombra’s shoulders. I don’t think I’d ever seen him so mad before. “You don’t think I’d recognize sleeping pills, Greg?” he spat. “After what Steve tried to do to me all those years ago, I made sure to develop an immunity to them—to make sure something like that would never happen again! And now look what you’ve done! Trying to abandon me? What did I ever do to you?”
“Greg.” Susanne patted my shoulder, but I ignored what she said. “Greg, that sign on the side of the road just disappeared and came back. It’s not even the same sign—”
Sombra’s anger was making me angry in turn. “Good question, Sombra! Since when is it okay to turn humans into ponies? Or into immortals without asking first?”
Sombra pursed his lips and glanced away. “Well… I sort of thought you’d welcome the surprise…”
“Well, guess again, buddy boy.” I jerked a thumb between myself and Susanne. “Since you’re here, I guess we’ll say it now. We don’t want to be ponies. Or immortals.”
He nodded slowly. “Today , you mean. But later…?”
“Highly doubtful.”
Sombra displayed his fangs and gave a little giggle. Adding that image to his continuous tendrils of smoke and I was actually a little scared of the fluffy grump at the time.
“Then I guess you’ve both found yourselves in quite the predicament, haven’t you? You might have discovered my plans to transfer magic to you via cuddling, but look at where you are now,” he said snidely. “Stranded at the side of the road in a dead car? Miles away from home? Soon night will descend, and with it the darkness and the cold. If you both don’t wish to freeze to death here, you’ll be forced to snuggle up next to me!”
Then he laughed wildly. Or as wildly as a defunct villain that had just threatened me with snuggles could manage to.
I counted on my fingers. “First: it’s the middle of summer. Secondly: it’s half-past one in the afternoon. Thirdly: we’re only like two miles from home. We just left, so we’re gonna walk.”
It looked as though Sombra hadn’t thought this far ahead. He did this weird blinking thing that meant he was attempting to think clearly again.
His eyes popped open when he finally had his eureka moment. “Aha! But you are both forgetting one very important thing! The Sombra Stipulations. You’re supposed to do what I say, no matter what! And now I want you to be my very best pony friends, forever and ever.”
The idea of karate chopping him came to mind again.
“Those were a guideline, Sombra,” I explained. “Nothing is set in stone and that doesn’t mean we have to do anything you say. What it actually means is we need to do what Steve says. And since he’s no longer here, it falls to our judgment to do what’s best for you.”
“Isn’t what’s best for me doing exactly what I want?” he pouted childishly.
“No. So cut out this pony business so things can go back to normal, okay?” I closed my eyes and took a breath. “Nothing needs to change, Sombra. We were doing just fine before. We can… we can go back to that and we’ll forget all about this, all right?”
Sombra set his over-sized head on the back of Susanne’s seat, making her angle away from him. He moaned out, “I just miss Steve, is all. He was a good friend and now I don’t have anymore friends to call my own.”
“We’re your friends now, Sombra,” Susanne told him carefully, “but friends need to be honest with each other.”
A few tears fell down Sombra’s cheeks. “I doubt you’ll be my friends anymore… I might’ve really screwed things up here…”
When Susanne stretched out a hand to him, I shook my head at her and she stopped. Sombra might’ve been in full-blown sad mode, but that didn’t mean his eyes matched the rest of his perfect performance. His eyes watched my wife’s hovering hand greedily.
As she pulled her hand back, Sombra growled and flung himself into the backseat again. “Fine! Be that way! Who needs friends like you? Steve went to the ends of Equestria for me. What have you done? Made me lunch? ” He barked out a single laugh. “You’re both lucky I haven’t booted you out of my house yet.”
When no one said anything for a time, Sombra added quietly, “You’re still coming back to the house, right?” He didn’t look at either of us in the eyes. “I mean… where else would you go?”
Good point.
***
The three of us went to the living room where I paced back and forth in front of them. I don’t recall remembering a time when Sombra wasn’t at least somewhat relaxed; at the moment, he looked close to terrified. I almost found myself pitying the poor bastard.
Before he met Steve by pure chance, Sombra hadn’t had a friend in the world. He hadn’t deserved one and at the time he wasn’t looking for one, either. Then he found Steve and they’d formed an odd bond together—neither having the energy or willingness to cast the other aside even when they maybe should’ve.
That didn’t mean Steve really taught Sombra a thing about real friendship, though. On the contrary, it only distorted that view and focused it in a worse direction. By living with Steve for over a hundred years, Sombra only wanted Steve as his friend. Sure, he tolerated Steve’s wife and his kids and his kids’ kids, but only to a necessary degree. From what I heard, none of them had ever called Sombra a genuine friend .
As long as Sombra had Steve in his pocket, he had that bit of happiness he clung to like rare treasure—almost as if to make it official to all those that thought he could never make a friend in his entire twisted life.
But now that Steve was gone, Sombra had set his eager sights on making new friends as quickly as he could, uncaring how he got them or kept them to his side. Steve remained beside him because their friendship grew from nothing until it formed into something real. All Sombra was trying to do now was skip over the getting-to-know-you phase and get right to the best-friends-forever part.
If only someone had told him that wasn’t how it worked.
“Ever thought of making new friends, Sombra?” I asked him gingerly.
“Why would I?” he replied, almost harsh. “I had Steve. And now I have you two.”
“Well…” I thought on that, “sometimes it’s nice to have more than a few friends—to help give perspective on things.”
Sombra raised a brow. “Is there a ‘friend store’ we could go to?”
I grumbled. “You can’t just buy friends, Sombra.”
“Steve bought you.”
I raised a finger to object, then thought better of it. “What I mean, is that you need to try and make friends.”
“I was trying to make fri—”
“Not as is in ‘make new unicorn friends that never die and do what you want ,’” I hissed out before he had the chance to finish his thought. I ran a hand through my hair before continuing. “You’re immortal, Sombra. You could have loads of friends if you wanted them. Ponies. Humans. Whatever.”
Susanne slid over to Sombra on the couch, still keeping a safe distance away from him. “Haven’t you ever thought about finding a nice mare to settle down with?”
He looked at her perplexed. “What?”
“Or a stallion. Not judging or anything.”
Sombra surprised her with a chuckle. “Oh! A mare for sex! That’s what you meant. Ha! It’s been a while. In my old kingdom there actually was a store for that, if you’d believe it.”
I snapped my fingers in front of his face to remove his dreamy smile.
“I’m sure I could ask around,” Susanne said, “find a mare that might be interested. You ever been on a date, Sombra? A real one?”
“Is that that wine and food thing? And there’s a table? And usually two forks are on the table?”
Susanne hesitated, before saying, “Yes. Exactly that.”
“I don’t know.” Sombra put his head down. “My blog hasn’t been doing all that well, to tell you the truth. I don’t know if any ponies would like me.”
“Can’t hurt to try.”
Sombra turned to me, his eyes shimmering faintly. “Can’t you two just be my friends?”
I patted his shoulder, uncaring if it was all some trick or not. “We are your friends, but that doesn’t mean you can’t have more than two. It’s only normal. You might think you understand friendship, Sombra, but…” I really had no better way of putting it, “you’re actually rather terrible at it. Horrible and terrifying and just plain weird.”
Susanne leaned back in the couch with a sigh. “Can’t be easy, though; being immortal and trying to figure out friendship correctly. Too bad you couldn’t just ask another one of them how they handle it.”
Knock-knock-knock.
All three of us turned to stare at the entryway doors.
“That was—” creepy , I was about to finish, before a bubbly voice from outside overrode me.
“Hey, Steve! You dead yet? Does that mean I can come visit now? ”
Sombra inhaled to scream.
Author's Note
This chapter has not gone through an editor so all mistakes are my own.
I am sure there are many, as always.
Sombra The Highly Unmotivated
Later Later Later (Bonus Chapter)
Before Sombra could even shriek a single syllable, I jammed my whole fist into his mouth. Mentally, I’d only meant to cover his muzzle with my hand to shut him up. Physically, I ended up keeping my hand balled into a fist and nearly rammed it down his throat. Maybe I was still a bit peeved about the whole human-to-pony nonsense over the last few days. Either way, Sombra looked up at me in alarm, trying his best not to gag on my hand.
“Be quiet! ” I hissed.
He nodded. Or nodded as much as he could with a mouthful of fist.
I retrieved my slobbery limp and wiped it on my shirt. “Who’s out there? You seem to have a clear understanding of who it might be.”
“Discord,” Sombra said breathlessly. “I could recognize that damn maniacal voice anywhere. And if he’s here, then I have no doubt—”
He stopped in mid-sentence when Discord knocked on the door again. “Hello! I do hope no one’s simply whispering about me in the living room instead of opening the door! That would be rather… rude , don’t you think? Or am I actually talking to an empty house right now?”
I could see his shadow splayed across the frosted glass on the door. Tall. Thin. Very little symmetry to the creature to be found. Sure, I’d seen Discord on the news and in interviews before, but to actually be in his presence for once? Honestly, I was more than a little scared. Steve’s book didn’t hold back telling the truth about the guy—the type of bastard that would give you a hug only to stick a sharpened candy cane in your back just for kicks. And then there was also that incident in that bar a hundred years ago or so…
Without thinking, I knelt and placed my hands together, mumbling to whoever up above might be listening.
To my side, Susanne angrily tapped on my shoulder. “Just what are you doing?”
“Praying,” I answered bluntly, moving on from Jesus to Buddha in my head.
“You’re an atheist, Greg.”
“Doesn’t mean I can’t ask for a favor, anyways.”
Susanne sighed, glancing at the doorway. “What’s so bad about Discord, even? He seems like a goof and that’s about it. One with magical powers, sure, but all unicorns have powers.”
Two religious figures in and I was already out. I stood back up. “But you never heard about what he did to Arthur Mitchell in a bar a hundred years ago.”
Susanne crossed her arms. “That’s an urban legend and nothing more, Greg. No witnesses ever came forward and it never even went to court!”
“Why do you think it never went to court?” I hooked a thumb towards the front entrance. “If he doesn’t like you he makes you disappear ! Simple as that!”
“So what are we supposed to do, then? Hope he gives up and goes away?”
I shook my head. “I doubt that’s an option. Sombra, what do you—”
It was then I noticed Sombra wasn’t in the room anymore.
“Sombra? If I catch your stupid fluffy ass hiding under the couch, I’m gonna pull you right on out!”
Discord knocked on the door again, a little harder than before. “I’m going to count to six-hundred and twelve and if no one answers the door by then, I’ll assume no one’s home. And in that case, I’ll be coming inside anyways to make a PB and J and S and F and G and C sandwich. And you’d better have the right ingredients!” He paused, perhaps seeing if what he said would finally coax one of us to answer to the door. When no one moved, he loudly started counting: “One! Two! Three!”
I turned to Susanne. “Let’s find Sombra fast.”
***
It didn’t take long to track the furry bastard down. We entered the main hall and immediately heard books tumbling to the ground in our lavish library located in the east wing of the house. I shoved open the door and found Sombra anxiously walking back and forth in front of one wall of books, his horn illuminated and busily lifting out random text after random text before throwing them over his shoulder.
He glared at us. “Don’t just stand there, you fools! Help me find the book!”
I moved to the side to avoid a flying sociology book. “Which book?”
“I can’t remember!” Sombra growled. “But I know it’s around here somewhere!”
Susanne kept peering back into the hall. “Like a spell book? Something to use against Discord?”
“No!” Sombra roared, before a book accidentally clobbered him on the head. That seemed to refocus him. “Didn’t Steve ever tell you about his Discord Shelter?”
I snorted. I couldn’t help it. “You’re joking, right?”
He shook his head gravely. “No. After returning to Earth and starting construction on this place, Steve made it a priority to create a space completely Discord proof. He spent millions building it, contacting well-known unicorns and scientists alike to make sure that it would work.” Sombra hung his head sadly. “If only we had the shelter built before our 2035 New Years party.”
“What happened at your party?”
Sombra sighed. “Nothing. Absolutely nothing.”
I raised a brow. “I don’t think you can blame Discord for your poor turnout, Sombra.”
He frowned. “No, Greg. When I say nothing , I mean that Discord came and sucked the life out of the party. Literally . He pulled a vacuum cleaner out of his ass and sucked out all the fun in the room. Said he’d save it for later.”
“Still can’t see you having much fun at a New Years party, Sombra. You’re not really the best people pony. Or pony pony. Or anything pony.”
Sombra sucked in a breath, his eyes glimmering. “But I was having fun, Greg. I was killing them. I was killing them all!”
“You were murdering your house guests?”
He looked up at me with a twinkle in his eyes. “Only at Mario Kart, Greg. Total domination.” He stared off as if remembering something fondly. “I could still remember the look of utter horror on Odd Bob’s face. I’m sure if I had just a little more time, I could’ve convinced one of them to commit suicide. He looked close… so close. So broken down and beaten. When that blue shell came out of nowhere and he was about to cross the finish line…”
I snapped my fingers in front of his face. “Focus, Sombra. What does the Discord Shelter have to do with a book? Is the shelter behind one of these stacks? Like a secret entrance-type deal?”
Sombra nodded. “Yes, but because the shelter was completed decades ago and was never tested, I’ve forgotten what book makes the shelf slide out. I know it must be around here somewhere, though.”
Out of the corner of my eye, I could glimpse Susanne strolling along the many shelves of books. She held a finger to her lips. “You sure Steve actually finished the shelter, Sombra? I must’ve picked up at least half of these books at some point just to browse them and no secret entrance ever appeared.”
“That’s because we placed it behind a book we thought no one would ever bother to read,” Sombra explained. “Something useless and better left ignored.” He looked up at the stacks of books again. He began selecting and chucking them to the floor. “Let’s see. ‘Best Wood Varnishes’. No. ‘The Rise and Fall of King Sombra’. No, because the second half’s just terrible and inaccurate. ‘Friendship for Dummies’. No, I think I’m good. Oh, here we go!”
His crimson aura pulled out a thin text and immediately the shelf of books swung outward, revealing a set of spiral stairs leading downwards. Before Sombra bounded down the secret passage, he flung the final book into my chest.
I took a look at it: “101 Reasons to Visit Canada”.
***
The Discord Shelter must’ve been close to three stories underground. As we descended, the stone walls around us began to glitter with embedded specks of silver—what the unicorns and scientists must’ve thought was “Discord proof” or similar. At the bottom of the steps was a thick silver door that looked akin to a bank vault. A black electronic scanner was attached to the wall next to it.
Sombra approached it. “This seems more familiar now. How much time we got?”
“No idea. Just get moving.” I perked an ear towards the stairs. I couldn’t hear anything from up above.
Sombra pressed a button on the screen.
“Name authorization, please? ” asked an electronic voice.
“K., Sombra.”
“Confirmed. Breath authorization, please. ”
“What?” I blurted, before Sombra held a hoof out to me.
He leaned forward and exhaled on the screen. It made a few little blip noises before a red X filled the screen. “Unconfirmed breath for K., Sombra. ”
“Damn,” Sombra muttered, turning to us. “Anyone have any spare food? Junk food, perhaps?”
For some reason I still tapped my empty pockets even if I knew no jellybeans or chocolate bars lay in wait. Then I bolted forwards as I saw something neon orange sticking out of the back of Sombra’s mane. I scooped it out and gave it to him.
“A Dorito,” I explained.
He munched it up quick and belched on the screen. This time a green checkmark popped up. “Confirmed. ”
“Thank you!” I muttered sarcastically, taking a step forward.
“Frown authorization, please .”
“Oh, for the love of—”
Sombra chuckled. “I definitely got this one.” A line of light shot out of the screen and hurriedly scanned Sombra’s face. He didn’t change his facial expression one bit.
“Frown confirmed. Welcome, K., Sombra. How many guests with you today? ”
Now I was really getting antsy. “Can we hurry this up?”
Slowly, Sombra turned to me, his “confirmed” frown flipped into a smirk. He said casually, “You know, Greg, if I really wanted to, I could tell this device that neither of you are my guests and that you’re both actually enemies. I could leave you out here for Discord to come play with. Wouldn’t that be quite the scene?”
I glared at him. “You wouldn’t.”
He sneered. “I don’t know. I think ‘guests’ usually mean friends, but the last time I checked, neither of you seemed all that keen on being my friends. Isn’t that what just happened when you both tried to run away from me?”
“You were trying to turn us into ponies.”
“But did I, Greg? Last time I checked, you had no horn or tail.”
I grimaced. “So you want points for not going through with it? For attempted human-to-pony—” I really didn’t have the correct term to describe it “—screwing-around-id-ness?”
Sombra seemed to take great pleasure in suddenly spacing out his words. “I believe it’s only right if true friends share the shelter together. Are you my friends? Are you really ?”
If I had my running shoes on at the time, I might’ve punted him like a fuzzy football into the wall. Afterwards, I might’ve even tried a Sombra impersonation to see if I could sneak Susanne and I in afterwards. Sadly, there was still a good chance I’d break some of my toes on the pony’s ribs. Not completely worth it. Almost, though.
I opened my mouth, but Susanne already took the hit for us. She knelt down beside him and rubbed his ears between two fingers. “We never said we weren’t your friends anymore, Sombra, only that we needed to set boundaries. And don’t you think all of us getting safely away from Discord would be a great way to help strengthen our continued friendship?”
It appeared as if Sombra was melting by her touch. His tongue lolled out the side and bits of saliva dripped to the stone floor. Instead of speaking, he just nodded.
“Two guests,” he finally spoke to the screen after Susanne went away from him.
The silver door sluggishly swung outward and the three of us hurried inside. The Discord Shelter was about the size of our living room. It had couches and a couple of thin bunk beds in one corner. At the front was a command station loaded with rows of monitors that booted to life the moment the door opened. It had the type of lighting most commonly found in terrible office jobs—bulbs that hummed noisily and glowed a sickly yellow. Maybe Steve had run out of money by the time he picked out bulbs. A thin hall was at the other end of the room—what looked like a well-stocked pantry.
By the time the three of us crossed the threshold, the thick door swung shut and sealed with a hiss and a click. Sombra went to the command center and plopped himself into the only computer chair. He hooked a headset made for ponies around his ears and jaw.
He said without looking at us, “There must be more than thirty cameras around the house, maybe twice as many microphones. We’ll be able to see where he is at all times. Give me camera six.”
The main monitor flipped to a clear image of the front of our house and Susanne and I jolted back. Discord the draconequus seemed to be staring right at the screen… or the camera in this case. He was mumbling something we couldn’t hear.
“Audio, now,” Sombra spoke into his microphone.
“…six-hundred and nine! Six-hundred and ten! Six-hundred and eleven!” The creepy figure stopped and exhaled loudly. “Well, now you’re just being rude! Fine. I’ll just have to come find you, then.”
He brought up his eagle’s claws and snapped them together, disappearing in a flash of white. Sombra, Susanne, and I went from monitor to monitor in search of him; every few seconds Sombra would bark out another camera number, giving us another angle of our house.
A minute later we found him in one of our showers, soaped up and energetically singing into a brush. I raised a hand to block out (what I thought) would be the worst of him, before I realized he was actually naked all the time.
Susanne groaned next to me. “He’s using my good conditioner. Jeeze, I had to order that stuff. And he’s using it on his eyebrows!” A moment later, she turned away from the monitor. “Remind me to throw out that loofah whenever we get out of here. Now that it’s been touching his… I don’t even know what that is, actually.”
“I’d give him five more minutes tops,” Sombra said hopefully. “His type need constant attention otherwise they get bored. If he doesn’t track us down in a few minutes, he’ll call it a day and leave.”
Susanne crossed her arms. “I hope you’re right. I can’t stand to watch him touch any more of my things. Why is he using my makeup? Why ?”
On another monitor, Discord was twirling around our kitchen area, belting out a melody completely out of tune “I feel pretty! Oh, so pretty! I feel pretty and witty and bright! And I pity, any pony who isn’t me tonight! ”
It seemed all the stories were true. Discord was as insane as it got.
A thought came to me. I clamped a hand on Sombra’s shoulder. “Why didn’t Steve make his whole house Discord proof? Seems like that would’ve made the most sense.”
Sombra nodded tiredly. “True. But the magic it took to even finish this room…” He glanced around the shelter—the sparkling cave-like walls that nearly hummed with unseen energy. He shot me a look. “Can’t you just be thankful for once? First you don’t want to be a unicorn… even if unicorns are awesome . Then you try and ditch me. And now you’re complaining about my Discord Shelter? Should we go to your Discord Shelter, then, Greg? Oh, wait! You don’t have a Discord Shelter, do you?”
I looked away from him.
“Do you?”
“No,” I muttered.
“No, you don’t…?”
“Have a Discord Shelter.”
“Exactly!” He smirked. “Glad we got that out in the open. Now if you’ll all stop worrying and trust in the two-hundred million dollars Steve spent on this shelter, you’ll soon see—” His head whipped back to the monitors, going from one screen to the next. “See? He’s already gone. Just like that. What did I tell you?”
“Who’s gone?”
The three of us turned to find Discord busily munching through a box of saltine crackers from the pantry. There was already a small mound of crumbs below him.
“You guys really need to make this room more draconequus friendly. It took me like twenty whole seconds just to get in. What’s up with that?”
Sombra inhaled to scream again. This time I didn’t bother stopping him.
***
“You know what? This is a nice place. This place is nice. On a scale from not-nice to nice, I’d give this place a seven-point-five.”
It felt like a death march. Discord was right behind us, leading the three of us up the spiraling stairs and back to the library. I don’t think Sombra, Susanne, or I had said a single word since he’d popped into Steve’s “Discord proof” shelter, but that didn’t mean Discord ever stopped talking. He was like a loud gas engine that never needed fuel to keep on running.
As we exited the secret entrance to the shelter, Discord added happily, “I can’t tell you how happy I am Steve finally died. Just between you and me, I thought he’d never go away.”
I looked over my shoulder at him. “Not cool, dude. Not cool.”
He nodded solemnly. “You’re absolutely right, Greg. Steve definitely was not a cool dude. I’m glad we’re in agreeance.” He grinned. “And since Steve’s not around anymore, I guess that means I can visit anytime, now can’t I? What with that restraining order no longer valid…”
Even more surprising than the sudden appearance of Discord was the fact that Sombra had not uttered a word since screaming for a good solid minute. He didn’t even look mad, more… defeated? Was that what I was going for? As if the light bulb inside of his head had been smashed for all time. Or as if someone had told him that his favorite pizza delivery driver had died in a fiery car crash on the way over here—his extra-large meat-lovers pizza burnt and destroyed beyond recognition.
If Discord stayed for much longer, I’d probably need to put Sombra on suicide watch. We all know what happened the last time he died, don’t we? What happens if he’s the one killing himself? Does the whole universe just cave in on itself and seize to be? One giant “meh” and a shrug and then complete and total annihilation?
I was getting off track again. Discord was still in the picture. And so was—
“Twilight, my sweet! Come greet our new friends!” Discord spoke to the purple alicorn who had her face in a book. I could’ve sworn she hadn’t been there a second ago. She stood in front of another stack of texts, her aura wrapped around a mystery novel held close to her head. I’d seen her picture online enough to know exactly who she was. Since her hundred and twenty years on Earth, her appearance had changed quite a bit. She was a foot taller than before; her horn longer and sharper. Her wings had a greater span and her mane and tail hung in the air as if floating in a rippling pool of water. I can honestly say I was very tempted to touch it.
I really liked her mane.
She lifted her head out of her book and took a few glances around. “You just had to bring us here, Discord?”
“Of course!” Discord said earnestly. “I met Steve, so now I gotta meet the new Steve!”
I raised a hand. “It’s Greg, actually.”
“Greg! Obviously!” He wrapped a thin arm around me. “See? We’re already becoming good friends. Steve ever mention me, by chance?”
“Only to his therapist. And his pillow late at night.”
Discord giggled. “That Steve, always the kidder. What a…” He pulled on his beard. “I’m trying to think of something nice to say, but nothing’s coming. Hmm. I’ll get back to you on that.”
When Twilight returned to her novel, I asked her a question. “You seem oddly okay with just popping in here randomly.”
She looked at me. “I’m used to it by now. Living with Discord, you get used to a lot of things. Discord personally greets all his fans whenever they happen to mention his name. Maybe that’s why his number of fans has been steadily going down recently. Usually he’ll get bored and snap myself or the kids along with him.” She raised her book. “I always have a book prepared, though.”
Kids? That caused me some worry.
Twilight tucked her book away and crossed the room to us. She took a breath to steady herself before speaking. “Hello again, Sombra.”
Sombra grumbled in return. And I don’t just mean he grumbled under his breath. He literally said the word “grumble” three times in a row. At least he was showing more signs of life than down in the shelter.
“I’m sorry for what I did to you,” Twilight admitted evenly, “for what my friends did to you, too. I know I should’ve said that over a hundred years ago, but… well, you made your wishes pretty clear. I really had no idea anyone could make a trilogy of books just about hating someone—‘I Hate Twilight Sparkle And Her Stupid Purple Face Volume One through Three’.”
Sombra suppressed a chuckle and kept his eyes on the floor. “What can I say? When the muse strikes…”
“Although I did somewhat enjoy your autobiography.”
Sombra nodded smugly. “’My Struggle’. I had fun writing that one. Almost as much fun as ‘If I Did Take Back The Empire’.”
I smacked myself in the forehead. “You didn’t really name that first book—”
Before I could finish, Discord loudly clapped his hands. “Before we all start airing grievances—including the fact that Sombra has not once spelled my name correctly on his blog…” He scowled at Sombra. “Dick cord? Seriously? How old are you? Three hundred and five?” He huffed. “Anyways, you might all be wondering why we are here, and the reason for that is simple.”
He let the sentence hang in the air before continuing.
“You have a friendship problem and I aim to fix it.” He smiled devilishly. “From what I understand, Sombra wants to turn you two into ponies and you two don’t want to be turned into ponies. Is that about the gist of it?”
I tried to think of a better way of putting it. When nothing came to mind, I shrugged and said, “Basically, but I don’t think we need your—”
“Tut-tut, Gregory!” Discord snapped. “Steve didn’t realize he needed my help until nearly the end of his journey, and wasn’t he the lucky sort to have me as a friend by then.”
Since I was at least eighty-percent sure I wasn’t going to die soon, I said, “Didn’t you trick Steve into going to Equestria in the first place and then continue to trick him until he did exactly what you wanted him to do all along?”
He stared at me confused. “Isn’t that what true friendship’s all about?” He waved a hand. “You’re getting me off track, Greg. Shush! No. The simple solution is this: we split the difference!”
I didn’t like the sound of that.
Discord snapped his fingers and suddenly him and Twilight were a good three feet taller than before. Even the bookcases to my left were taller. My fingers were gone too. Damn.
To my side, I heard Susanne gasp and her breath quicken. I didn’t bother to look in her direction. Instead, I asked Discord, “You turned us into ponies, didn’t you?”
He nodded gleefully. “And that’s not all!”
He directed my attention to where Sombra had been standing a moment ago. Now he was a six-foot tall man in a red-and-black suit with long sideburns and dark facial hair. His skin was pale and he had long, greasy hair down to his shoulders. I would describe more, but just imagine a person asks you to sell your soul for a billion dollars and that’s about it. Just give him a briefcase and devil horns and he’d be good to go.
Like the ponified Susanne was currently doing, Sombra was staring at his hands—what used to be hooves.
“I don’t like it! I don’t like it!” He slunk into the corner of the room, roughly grabbing at the collar of his shirt. “I can’t breathe in this! I don’t like change! Make it stop, Greg!” He took a quick glance down his pants and somehow paled further.
Rather than try and reason with Discord, I made my way to Twilight, tripping over my hooves and face-planting more times that I could remember. “You want to put an end to this, please?”
Twilight had her head in her book again. She looked up and reddened. “Oh! Sorry, sure.”
One blast of light from her horn and the three of us returned to normal; myself crawling off the ground with as much dignity as I could manage.
In the corner, Sombra had already wrapped his hooves around his torso, rocking himself back and forth. “I love my fuzzy self… I love my fuzzy self…” he repeated on loop.
“Now did we all learn a valuable lesson?” Discord asked us pleasantly.
“No,” I said bluntly.
“Well, too bad. I’m not leaving yet. There’s work to be done here… and don’t even get me started on the serious stuff coming your way.”
I swallowed dryly. “Come again?”
He gave my shoulder a push towards the door. “Forget I said anything. Fluffy stuff, then dark stuff, remember? Oh, right. You’re not Steve. Anywho, come and meet the kids! Just keep your hands away from little Zachy’s mouth. He likes to bite. Also, you have anything sugary? That’s all he eats. Lilly Flower likes veggies and dip. She’s the sweet one. Maybe you should think about going to the store and stocking up? Hmm?”
And just like that, I felt like a prisoner inside my own home again.
Author's Note
How 'bout a little Sombra before Christmas? Too bad. You're getting some anyways.
Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays or whatever you want to call it!
Now what would Sombra look like as a person? Hmm.
Less sexy?
More accurate?
Sombra The Highly Unmotivated
The walk to the center of the Crystal Empire took around ten minutes, and most of that time I kept an eye out for Twilight or her friends. There’d be a good chance some of them would be waiting at the train platform near the gates for the train’s arrival. If things worked accordingly, I could get in and out without raising any alarms.
Halfway there, I actually had to stop and hold my stomach, I was laughing so hard.
There was just no way things were going to work out for me here.
Around the base of the crystal tower was a courtyard filled with wide benches and a dozen or so glowing lamps. On one side of the tower sat a half-circle of raised seats, reminding me of the single—horrible—time I was forced to attend an opera. The seating capacity looked around five-hundred at best.
The courtyard had twenty ponies mingling about, some lying on benches with bits of dirt or grease on their work uniforms. Most held their safety helmets by their sides, the few unicorns’ having holes in the top.
Before entering the well lit circle, I scanned the crowd.
“No Twilight. No friends,” I whispered. “So far, so good.”
Since I thought all of these ponies were the workers Twilight had been using to erect the mammoth eyesore in what remained of the Empire, I sidled up beside a light-blue mare on a bench with soot on her cheek. She huffed out tiredly. They must have been working around the clock to get this all set up in time.
She turned to me and rubbed at her eyes. “A human? Already? I thought that train wasn’t scheduled to get here for another couple hours.”
In a world of ponies, I stuck out of the crowd like a sore thumb. The fact that I actually had thumbs didn’t help. Right now, I couldn’t let myself become the center of attention.
“I… uh….” I tried rebooting my brain. It said it needed an update. I refused and went with what came to mind first. “I came on an earlier train.”
She raised a brow. “There’s more than one train coming here? That’s the first I heard of that, and I should know; I helped build that train station.”
I went for a redo. “Did I say ‘train?’ I meant, I teleported here. Was teleported here.”
The mare sat up on the bench. “By who?”
“Discord.”
“Why?”
“To check on the state of things here.”
“Why?”
“Because it’s important.”
“Why?”
“Do you think Discord would’ve sent me here himself if it wasn’t important?”
She stared at me for a while, blinking sluggishly. “A lot of what you’re saying doesn’t make sense, but I’m too tired right now to figure out why. We’ve all been working double-time and over-time, not to mention the complete lack of coffee or hay breaks. Just don’t touch any of the walls while you’re here—wet paint and all.”
I breathed a sigh of relief. “You got it.” I took a quick glance around to make sure no other ponies were near us. “They say there’s supposed to be some show happening soon. Know anything about that?”
“Of course I do.” She pointed at the crystal tower. “It’s to commemorate the reopening of the Crystal Empire. Twilight and the Elements of Harmony are going to reenact the time when King Sombra was defeated and all his crystal slaves were set free.” She lowered her head to the bench. “Although, it’ll be kind of sad… not many crystal ponies around anymore, besides the ones that were away from the Empire when it was destroyed.”
I nodded and scanned up the shiny tower, stopping at the jutting balcony. If Sombra’s stories were true, that was where it all went downhill for him.
Still gazing, I asked, “How’s Sombra supposed to play into all of this?”
“They’ve brought in some actor to play Sombra.” By the thought, the mare perked up a bit and sat up. “He must be one of those method actors, I think. The second he arrived, he was already in a bubble, cursing and spitting and worse. Whatever dye job they used on his coat must’ve been good. Seriously, it’s crazy. It’s almost like they found the real King Sombra to come act for them.”
This was all so very messed up.
Thus far, Twilight had kept almost all of the populace in the dark about what was happening to their Equestria: the monsters that could arrive at any moment; the fact that another Equestria—a far better one—even existed at all; the horrible truth that she was going to merge the two Equestrias, eradicating every living pony here. On top of all that, the knowledge that the actual Sombra was back in the Crystal Empire, labeled as some actor in a twisted play.
I couldn’t have made this stuff up if I tried.
I turned to the mare, who seemed a tad closer to me than before. “Know where that actor might be by chance? The one playing Sombra?”
She motioned towards the tower. “In there somewhere. Near the top, I’m sure. That’s where we built the throne room and I’d figured that’s where they’d be practicing before the ceremony.” She looked up at me. “Are you going to be around for the ceremony? There’s supposed to be fireworks at the end.”
I chewed on my tongue. “Hard to say. I might need to leave before things get going.”
She scooted a few inches closer to me with a blush on her cheeks. “Well, maybe if you’re still around, you could come watch it with me. I know it’s uncommon for our type to mingle, but you seem really nice.” She placed a hoof on my hand. “And you must be important, working for Discord and everything.”
I wished I’d read the official rulebook before coming here. It wouldn’t have even taken that much time, having only four rules to remember.
The rules of alt-Equestria were as follows:
You lose.
Don’t try to win, because you’ll only lose.
Even if you think you’re winning, that’s only false hope. Refer to rule no. 1 for more information.
Discord isn’t your friend, as much as he says he is.
I placed another hand overtop her hoof. “You’re really nice, and very cute, but I’m just not looking for someone right now. But there’s a guy named Bob coming on the next train who I know you’d get along with.”
She pouted. “Is Bob as important as you?”
Since I honestly had better places to be…
“Yes. Yes, he is. As a matter of fact, he’s the president of Earth.”
***
On my walk to the center of the Empire, I re-read my spell book and tried to memorize as many useful spells as I could. I doubted all that many ponies would give me the time to flip through my book in the middle of a fight.
The first test came at the large set of doors to the tower. Two stallion guards in full glittering armor stood side by side with spears hooked in their legs. If they weren’t half my body height, I might have actually been afraid. Then again, less than an hour ago I’d watched a monster from another universe break its bones in order to catch up to the train I was on.
Along my journey, it seemed I’d completely run out of cares to give.
Several meters from the guards, I flipped through my book and found little of use. I could’ve used my fire spell and torched them both, but that would’ve given me away in an instant. I could’ve teleported in, as well, but the thought of being divided in half by a wall didn’t sound all that relaxing.
With a snap, I closed my book and decided on something rather juvenile.
I hurried towards them. “Can you tell me where the washrooms are?”
The guard on the left sighed. “The washrooms haven’t been finished yet, but the construction crew’s been using—”
In mid-sentence, I roughly mashed their heads together, denting their helmets and knocking them unconscious. As I stepped over them, I tried not to glance at their peacefully sleeping faces. If I ever made it back to Earth, I thought the first place I’d visit would be my local church to confess all my sins. Namely, how many colorful, talking ponies I’d injured in the last few days. I was sure the priest had heard worse.
Inside, a rich red carpet directed me across the hall to a spiral staircase and I climbed, keeping an ear out for anyone around. When the stairs came to an end, I was met with a decision. I arrived in a long corridor with three doors on each side, and one set of double doors at the end. All were made from the same purplish crystal material, polished to a sheen.
I put my ear to the first door on my left and heard nothing.
I did the same to the other five. Three were silent, while I thought I heard light snoring from one and idle chatter from the other. By the voices, I knew none of them were Sombra.
Reaching the end of the corridor, I tried to hear inside the last room.
Sombra’s deep chuckle echoed from inside, rising towards a full shout near the end.
He’s completely lost his mind, I thought, before reflecting. And I really can’t blame him.
Checking the vacant hall once more, I pushed inward and entered.
***
“Steve!”
Before I even shut the doors behind me, Sombra cut his maniacal laugh in half and ran towards me, leaping up to wrap his legs around my torso. I was so confused by the sudden affection that in return, I patted his head while simultaneously pushing him away.
He looked up at me with a grin, giggling while he spoke. “I knew you’d find me again! You were always my best, most loyal slave. And what wonderful news I have!”
I found his newfound energy and enthusiasm worrying me, as did the shiny crown atop his head and the red cape draped over his back.
I knelt down to him. “I don’t care what you’ve heard, Sombra. We need to get out of here. I’m not sure what type of security this place has—so far, I’m guessing terrible—but if Twilight finds me here, I’m sure—”
Sombra held out a bit of his cape to me. “Like my cape, Steve? It’s not as nice as my old one, but I’m sure once I’ve settled in, they’ll make me another. It’s so weird. I haven’t worn clothes for so long, it almost feels odd to have something like this. And don’t even get me started on the crown!”
I put a heavy hand on his shoulder. “The crown looks fine, but you need to shut up right now.”
He flicked my hand away and trotted around the room. It was the first time I’d actually took it all in—the opulent throne at the center of the room, the large opening that fed onto the balcony, the hoof-made paintings adorning the walls and the tables of rich foods pressed into the corners.
“That’s no way for one of my slaves to be speaking to me,” Sombra said, with his chin held high. “I am no longer Sombra to you, Steve. I am King Sombra. So you’d better get that right. Just because you are my friend, does not mean I can treat you differently than the rest. Favoritism cannot be allowed.” He thought for a moment. “Although, if any of the other slaves give you any trouble, let me know and I’ll have them executed.”
It was all coming together. What Discord mentioned on the train; what the mare down below had hinted at. Everyone’s least favorite King had miraculously reappeared and Sombra had taken the bait and swallowed it whole.
I went to his throne and ran a hand along it. “What is it you think is happening here?”
He gave me a wide grin. “A great, big mistake, Steve. One I could not be happier about.” He chuckled deeply. “All day I’ve been trying to get my laugh back in order. It’s nowhere near as terrifying as it used to be. What do you think?”
Sombra began with a timid giggle that slowly turned into a roar. Once finished, he looked at me curiously.
I shrugged. “An eight?”
He narrowed his eyes. “Out of?”
I didn’t feel like making him mad. “Eight.”
He grinned again. “Good. That’s what I thought.” Casually pacing around the room, he stopped at each piece of art to soak it in. “This Equestria is not Equestria, Steve. It’s a far darker version, complete with a set of Elements so corrupt it’s as if I created them myself. The dark Twilight here has decided to leave this world and invade the real Equestria.”
He turned to me, and all at once I was reminded of the first couple of days we’d spent together in the condo. I didn’t trust him and he didn’t trust me. Hardly blinking, it was as if a piece of Sombra’s inner workings had fallen away, leaving an off-balance and unhinged pony in his stead. A part of Sombra might’ve thought what Twilight had told him to be nothing more than lies, but I wondered if a larger part of him wanted to believe it to be true. To be in control again. To be King again.
“Wisely,” he continued, “she has chosen me as the one to lead them all to victory. Having never conquered before, they have given me back my title as King and soon we will open up the portal between worlds and enslave every last pony in Equestria—including those original six that destroyed me before.”
I rolled my eyes. “You actually believe all that?”
He looked hurt at that. “Of course I do! It’s the truth! I’m the best unicorn to ever grace this world, so of course they’d come to me to lead them.” He came to stand beside me, lowering his voice. “And all the things they’ve given me, Steve. It’s wonderful. This castle, this throne room, all the food I want—besides meat, but we’ll iron out those details later.” He bit his lower lip like an excited child. “All the mares I want, too.”
Upon hearing that, I ripped my hand up from his throne. “I hope not in here.”
Sombra gently kicked against the floor. “Well, not yet. Twilight says they’re still looking for someone worthy of me, and I guess I can understand that taking a while. I told her she was good enough—being an alicorn and everything—but even she says she’s unworthy. I almost feel bad for the mare. Depriving herself of me.”
Nice save, crazy Twilight. Nice save.
I anxiously rubbed my hands together. “Okay. Here’s what I’m gonna do because we’re friends, and because you gave me the same advice only a short time ago. Ready? Here it comes. Twilight is lying to you. Big time. Her story doesn’t end with you joining forces and taking over Equestria. This ends with you blowing up into a billion pieces and reversing this world.” Using his horn, I redirected his head to me. “Twilight’s only trying to keep you sedated until it’s time—which will be soon. So that means that you and I need to beat it the hell out of here.”
Sombra pulled away from me and slowly peered around the room; the joy on his face when I first entered melting away. “But there’s supposed to be a ceremony tonight, Steve. Twilight’s going to announce me as her successor and I’ll be crowned King again. Everyone’s going to be there. They’re coming here tonight.”
I put a hand on his shoulder, pitying the small tyrant. He’d been a King for hundreds of years and was leisurely defeated by a couple of unicorns and an infant dragon. Now he’d been just as easily fooled to believe he’d be in charge of all of Equestria.
“They’re only coming here to watch you die, Sombra, as well as watch the destruction of their world. This is a doomsday plot, and I’m sorry to tell you this, but you’re the one at the very center of it.”
Sombra shook his head, his mouth somewhere between a grimace and pout. His eyes took on a glossy shine.
He bared his teeth at me. “You’re the one that’s lying, Steve! You’re only afraid of my power and what I’ll do once Equestria is taken. Will Earth be next? I’m not sure I’m all that interested in a planet solely inhabited by fools.” He abruptly spun around, his cape catching a bit of air. “All you want is your little pet pony back, is that it? Well, too bad, Steve. I’m not interested in your videogames or your head scratches anymore—not when a whole world waits to be conquered. Are you afraid of living alone, Steve? Is that why you’re trying to deny me what should rightfully be mine? I promise that will not be a problem for you, once you join the rest of my slaves.”
I felt like strangling the pompous idiot. Instead, I circled around him so he’d look at me. “You have no slaves! Twilight’s given you nothing! All you have is a cape and a crown and a bunch of empty promises, and the fact that I even need to tell you this is insane. You were the one that said Twilight was a liar. You were the one that said none of them could be trusted.”
“Then I was wrong !” he shouted, spit flying from his muzzle. “I was meant to be King, Steve; forever and always. All I did was take a little break while on Earth, but now that the opportunity is here, I will take it readily. And you will see how great I can be.”
I pointed a finger at him. “If I need to pull you out of here by the ears, then I will. You’re not thinking clearly right now. Deep down, you know this doesn’t make sense. Why wouldn’t they have just told you that on Earth? Or at any point before today?”
Sombra’s mouth opened, but no words came out. When he finally thought of something, his eyes shot open. “Because they were testing me, obviously! To make sure I was still my villainous self!”
I shook my head. “But you aren’t even that anymore, Sombra. Now you’re more akin to a grouchy jerk than a full blown villain. You let me pet you before. Just five minutes ago, you gave me a hug. Does that honestly sounds like something world conquering ponies would do?”
Sombra sat on the ground, wrapping his tail around him. “I wasn’t thinking, is all,” he muttered out. “I was only excited to note you hadn’t been horrifically murdered or decapitated since I’d last saw you.” The distraught pony turned his head to look away from me.
I knelt beside him again. “I consider you a friend, Sombra, and I recall you calling me the same—even calling yourself my Som-bro. Real villains don’t have friends; at least not ones that they can trust.” I put a hand on his head. “And as your only real friend in two worlds, you need to believe me when I say you’re in danger, and that all this King nonsense is a ruse. Your time as King is over, Sombra, and it’s been over for a while.”
The deflated little pony gently rocked himself, not meeting my eyes. A full minute went by before he looked up. The detached look he gave me didn’t fill me with much optimism.
He told me bluntly, “But I’ve always been King, Steve. And soon I’ll be King to all of Equestria. And if I were you, I’d try and stay on my good side.”
My stomach knotted. “Sombra…”
Without warning, Sombra bolted to the doors, ripping them open with his horn. He shouted down the hall, “Guards! Guards! Intruder! Get the intruder! ”
I dove for my pack to get my spell book. While flipping through, a curved wall of pink leapt up and surrounded me on all sides. I looked through the film to find Twilight and her friends standing in the doorway. Twilight ground her teeth together. I figured trying to ruin her plans three times in three days was the amount it took before she finally lost her cool.
The wall of pink closed in around me and I was lifted into the air and carried towards the door.
Sombra trailed behind me. “Take him to the dungeons!” He then whispered to me, “It’s really just a jail cell. The torture instruments I’ve asked for won’t be in for at least two weeks. I’ll visit you when you’ve had some time to think things over.”
I gave him the finger. He didn’t seem to understand its connotation, as he happily raised a hoof in return.
As I floated back down the hall, I contemplated on the first rule to alt-Equestria:
You lose.
Author's Note
The last chapter will be released alongside the epilogue. So stay tuned for the hopefully mildly amusing conclusion to the oddest story I've ever written!
