Dear Diary,
Dear Journal,
I'm not going to talk to this notebook as though it were something alive. It's not. Instead, I'm going to just write down my thoughts and hope that that'll be good enough to help me deal with all these emotions issues.
It's been less than 24 hours since I've heard news of the engagement, but every hour has been dragging so slowly it feels like the past day has been a week. Still no word from Fluttershy on the matter. I could understand it if Twilight had simply let the news slip before she got a chance to tell me personally, but I don't think that's the case.
We saw each other in the marketplace. She was busy on some errand (I think it was buying more kiwi feed) and I was busy with a bit of shopping. Still, we made eye contact and I wasn't that far away. A simple hello would have been all she needed to say. I'd have done the talking from there. Instead, I got a curt nod and she moved off. I almost wish she had come over to give me the news of her engagement herself. I'd sit there and smile and agree when she'd tell me that this was the best news ever.
I guess that issue I mentioned yesterday wasn't just in my head. I thought we were good friends, but that's obviously wrong. Given the sudden cold shoulder upon her engagement, I kind of doubt that we're even friends right now. Maybe "acquaintance" is a better word for how she views me. Maybe I'm not even that high in her eyes.
Either way, I've come to a conclusion. I don't think anypony is raised to think that it's alright to go getting between a married couple. And with the way I feel about her, It wouldn't be right: me feeling this way about her. It isn't right. Fluttershy's been a great influence on my life. Even if I hadn't met her, there's no way I'd allow myself to become the type of pony who harbors feelings for a married mare. It's not the noble thing to do.
But every time I think about her, I can't help
. . .
Again, it's taken another half hour to decide what to say. I need to find a faster way to put my thoughts together.
Regarless, I've decided that I should cut her out of my life completely. No more events like watching the chicks hatch, no more conversations in the marketplace, and no more favors for her. I shouldn't even think about her anymore. Not about how she is now or even all the memories we've had. Thinking about her brings all these feelings back and I'm not going to start pining away for a mare that's engaged or married.
Or at least I'm not going to continue pining away for her.
~ ~ ~
I'm angry. At myself. Two days ago, I resolved to never think of her again and now it's the one thing I can't get out of my head. Celestia, something must be wrong with me.
Everything seems to be reminding me of her. Hearing old wintertime tunes makes me think of the dance we both went to last hearthswarming. Passing by the Ponyville clinic reminds me of the time she patched me up at her cottage when I got injured. Even hearing the birds' singing is enough to set me thinking about her.
This is just getting disgusting. If we hadn't been such good friends, this would make me feel like a stalker. As it is, I feel guilty even thinking about her. I don't want this. I just want to forget about her. It's just that- everything. . . makes it so I. . . can't.
The worst part is everypony else. I figured that maybe visiting or talking with some of my other friends would help get my mind off of her, but that was a huge mistake. Apparently, Fluttershy's recent engagement is the only thing ponies want to gossip about.
That's wrong. They're not gossiping. They're just happy for her and I can respect that. Still, it's just so aggravating that the one time I'm really, really a mess is the one time I can't rely on my friends at all to help me out. The talk of "the shy pegasus getting married" has spread throughout town and I'm pretty sure that even simple acquaintances wouldn't pass on this topic for discussion during these boring winter months.
It wouldn't be so bad if this were summer.
At least if this were summer I'd have work to keep me busy. Being the dead of winter, there's barely any work to be done. What little there is to do is so simple I could do it in my sleep. Trying to work provides nothing but time to think about her.
I don't know how much longer I can do this- keeping up the fake smiles and "wholeheartedly" agreeing that this will be such a lovely wedding.
I've got a bottle of cider in my bedroom. I haven't had any alcohol this week and I don't have a drinking problem. Still, taking a drink when I'm feeling so down would feel too much like using alcohol as a crutch.
But it's looking very welcoming right now.
I think I might need some help.
It seems forever ago that I heard Twilight carrying on about how beneficial it is to keep a diary to jot down all of your thoughts. I guess at the time I considered it to be rubbish. After all, how is writing down all of your unspoken thoughts supposed to help anypony? I know it's foolish to be writing everything down when I don't believe it'll do any good. I've just gotten desperate and I figured I would give writing a chance before I turned to liquor to help me cope.
If anypony is reading this right now, don't. It's not for your eyes and I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive you if you read past this point. And trust me, you don't want to be on my bad side.
Now, where to start?
. . .
I've just spent the past half hour staring at this notebook. I wish it was easier to find a way to put my thoughts into words. Heh, it probably would have been a game changer if I had learned that trick a few years ago. I guess. . . I'm writing my thoughts down because I'm
I'm writing because
You ever have that feeling like everything in life is going well? And then out of nowhere
I'm sad! There. I said it. I heard Twilight excitedly rambling about how Fluttershy was now engaged and it made me sad. When they asked me if I was happy, I said I was, but I guess that's not entirely true. I mean, I'm trying to be happy for her, but. . .
I don't even know how to put it into words. I've never been through anything like this and I knew she was going out, but I thought that they were way too casual for them to be getting engaged right now. It blindsided me. And the worst part is that I didn't even hear the news from Fluttershy. I had to hear it from a mutual friend. I always thought we were good friends, but I wasn't even good enough to hear the news straight from her.
I can't say I wish I'd never met her because I don't. I think knowing her has really changed me for the better. But I just wish. . .
I wish I wasn't still in love with her.
