My Life as a Teenage Bardock

Within a void as black as ink, two figures stood in its endless echo. Bardock, the lone Saiyan Warrior, and David the Human. Bardock noticed where David was and walked up to the lucid dreaming David. Bardock kept an open hand as he slapped David awake.

“Wake the fuck up, maggot!” Bardock took the chance to beat the hell out of the guy he believed hijacked his body.

David squirmed and jumped up on the nonexistent ground to see Bardock in the flesh, he then looked at himself to see he now looked like himself once more. David wondered where they were, to which Bardock told him that they are in a dream of some kind. Bardock walked up to David at laid some rules down as he could.

“Okay David, let’s dish out the pecking order here…there is you, the dirt of this god forsaken planet, the worms in the dirt, The contents of a hobo’s shit filled pants, any random rotting dead body, and finally me.”

“Hey, what makes you think you can boss me around?!” David protested.

“Because I’m pretty sure were still in the same body…My Body! So unless you want me to tear you a new ass, you’d better give me full control of it!” Bardock believed that he could easily frighten this worm, however…

“Fuck you Bardock, I don’t know what the hell is going on anymore, but I know letting you have this body is a bad idea!”

“Okay that’s it, you’re dead.”

“You think you can beat me?! Well, welcome to OZ bitch!” David, to his and Bardock’s surprise, shot an energy blast from his hand, causing Bardock to backflip away.

Bardock dashed to David, who thanks to watching a lot of the Dragon Ball Z anime, easily blocked the attack. The two proceeded to beat the crap out of each other for what seemed like an eternity, a punch here and energy blast there, it seemed endless until…

“Break it up you two.” Out of nowhere, a strange mismatched creature appeared of colossal size appeared, holding both fighters in each of it’s hands.

“Who the hell are you?!” both fighters screamed.

“Well isn’t this an interesting predicament we have here…I am Discord, Spirit of Chaos.” Discord grinned at the two fighters in his claws.

“What in the bloodiest hell do you want?” David was very confused and needed some answers.

“You see, I am the one who brought you to life after your little mishaps that landed you two in my clutches.”

“Okay can someone please, for the love of Space Christ, tell me what is going on?” Bardock was just lost at this point.

“Gladly…you see myself and a few other cosmic beings know of you Bardock…and I made a bet with an associate of mine that if you could beat a warrior he picked, I would win trip to Tamrial…but I couldn’t have the ‘mighty Bardock’ loose on Equestria without a restraint.” Discord looks at David.

“I looked all over the afterlife for someone compatible with Bardock and there you were David, someone who wouldn’t go on a pony killing spree…so I put David’s mind in Bardock’s body…Bardock can fight the other warrior and David keeps Bardock in check, a win for me.”

“What the hell gives you the right to do this to me!?” Bardock screamed.

“Same here, I’m not a babysitter for sociopaths.” David retorted.

“How about this…David, if Bardock beats the other warrior, after I win the bet, I’ll send you home before your death and make it so that it never happened.” David thought about that deal for a few minutes.

“Okay, works for me.”

“I don’t see what I get out of this.” Bardock muttered.

“Well guess who the other warrior is…here is a hint…he killed you.”

“Freeza!”

“Ding, ding, we have a winner! Now you have one year to train for the battle…have the ponies help you, and don’t tell them about this little bet I made…now wake up.”

.                   .                   .                   .

        David awoke in a soft warm bed. It was softer compared to what he was used to, but he didn’t really care. He forced himself to sit up, ignoring the searing pain that rushed through his body. He looked around the room he was in. It was primitive in design yet made of crystal-like material and there was next to no technology present inside.

He removed the covers over his body, It was then he noticed he was wearing Bardocks saiyan warrior outfit, he guessed Discord didn’t want him nude anymore. He looked to his side to see a group of ponies and that spirit, Discord standing nearby a few feet from the bed.

“Greetings, I’m Twilight Sparkle and these are my friends. Two little fillies here said you saved them from some Diamond Dogs. At first we weren't sure what you are or how you got here, but thanks to Discord, we know exactly why you're here.”

“Really?” David was skeptical.

“Of course, Discord said that he summoned you here to help fight an powerful evil coming to Equestria...right?”

“Yep, that why I’m here.” David decided to just roll with Discord’s story. David had a small headache from the rock that knocked him out.

“Oh my gosh, a new pony or non pony in Ponyville… I’ve gotta sing you the welcome song!!” Pinkie Pie was as ecstatic as usual, but her annoying song made Bardock gain control for a moment. Bardock stood up and looked at the ponies.

"There is nothing about this whole scenario that doesn't make me so disgusted I want to violently vomit out my own internal organs, I despise you all so intensely that I can’t tell if my vision is blurry from my brain concussion, or from my unforgiving rage. If allowed, once I am back to controlling my own body, I will gut you all with an honest to God smile on my face, and then proceed to paint the home I build with your bodies with your very blood...."

"Did you hear that Pinkie? You made a friend!" Discord said to the pink pony beside Bardock.

"YAYYYY!" Pinkie Pie screamed with joy.

Bardock slipped back into the void of his mind and David found control again, and so each pony of the group greeted David as a new guest in Ponyville. David was nice to the ponies as Bardock made little comments…

‘Hey, I wonder how these magical ponies breed?’

“Oh god, Bardock get your head out of the gutter.”

‘Just ask those ponies to breed for us…I’m curious.’

“No.”

‘Or ask two female ponies…I’m ‘bi’ curious too.’

David knew this was going to be a long, painful year.