My Life as a Teenage Bardock

David soon found himself being guided toward the town by the pastel coloured ponies. Seeing that several of them seemed nervous, he decided to break this ice.

“Hey, I’m sorry about what was said earlier… Y’know, the thing about the blood and the… house made of bodies thing… In my defence, that wasn’t me talking, it was this other guy.”

“Oh,” Twilight Sparkle perked up. “So that was that fighting spirit that comes out when you’re in danger that Discord told us about. What was his name, Bardock?” David nodded at the purple princess. “It must be really strange, sharing a body with another being.”

David stretched a little as they continued walking. “Tell me about it, it’s like being in a really weird episode of Yu-Gi-Oh.” This comment seemed to catch the attention of the white unicorn of the group. He believe her name was Charity or something like that. He wasn’t really paying attention when they were giving introductions.

“What is ‘Yu-Gi-Oh’ that you speak of? It sounds rather… exotic…”

“It sounds like one of those really weird comics from Neighpon.” The pony with the rainbow coloured mane spoke up. David still couldn’t tell if this one was male or female.

‘I have no idea what this Yu-Gi-Oh is, but it sounds like something counselorNappa would like.’

David scratched that back of his neck before he gave his explanation. “It’s a story about a kid that shares his body with the spirit of an ancient king that lives inside a puzzle that he wears around his neck and they play card games to summon monsters and gods to save the world.” He saw that everyone around him was staring at him, surprised by what he had said.

“Eeyup, he’s definitely an alien alright.” The southern sounding one said as she turned her attention back to the road. David made sure to have a talk with this “Applejacks” mare some time.

.        .        .        .

After the two young ponies left, David’s little entourage had taken him to a small bakery that they said was named Sugarcube Corner. After all of the customers fled in terror at the sight of the saiyan warrior before them, David and the rest took some seats at a nearby table.

“Alright David, as a way of welcoming you to Ponyville, pick out whatever you’d like to eat and I’ll get it for you!” Pinkie Pie said as she bounced away from her chair and over towards a plump blue mare with a pink mane and tail.

“Okay… Could I have a cream puff?”

“Sure thing, David.” Pinkie then turned to face the blue mare. “Just deduct it from my pay, Mrs. Cake.”

“Uh… Sure thing, Pinkie… One cream puff… coming up…” As the plump mare was was getting David’s snack ready, Bardock started up a mental conversation.

‘Hey, speaking of cream puffs, do you think should also get some of these things start training to fight some of FREEZA! Um… Sorry about, it’s just that I think FRE…. that guy’s name seem to be my trigger now. Anyway, think we should to fight… hisarmy?’

‘Bardock, do you really that’s a good idea? These guys seem pretty peaceful.’

‘My point exactly! These guys are so tame and weak that they could probably get completely annihilated by someone as weak and utterly pathetic as Raditz.’

‘Isn’t he your son?’

‘... What’s your point? At any rate, you just know that he’ll sick his army on these guys.’

‘But isn’t our great big fight against him supposed to be one on one?’

‘Oh yeah, and you just know that the evil tyrant that wants to take over the universe and blows up planets on a whim will totally obey rules and fight fairly.’

‘... Point taken.’

At that point, Mrs. Cake had brought David his cream puff. As David started to chew on the delicious pastry, Bardock piped up again.

‘Ugh… I can’t believe you’re eating something like that...’

‘What are talking about, Bardock? This cream puff’s the best.’

‘Eh… your milage may vary, but I was actually talking about the nutritional value of it.’

‘Oh please don’t tell me you’re going to start giving me a PSA about healthy eating or some crap.’

‘Listen, we need to be at our physical peak we want to stand any chance against… You-Know-Who.’

‘Voldemort?’

David then learned what it felt like to receive a mental slap to the face.

‘My point is that we’ll need to not just train, but also have a proper diet. We’ll going to have to find some meat for protein.’

‘You do realise that we’re on a planet where the dominant species are herbivores, right?’

‘Aw crapbaskets...’

‘Hey, leave it to me, I’ll see what I can do about finding some meat.’

After finishing his snack, David spoke up. “Hey girls, there’s some things about this upcoming battle that we need to talk about.”

“Such as?” Twilight asked as her ears folded back.

“Well for one thing, everyone should probably start training really hard. This guy I have to fight will likely be bringing an army with him and I’m not really certain that you would stand much of a much of a chance as your currently are.”

‘If by that you mean that his army will be enjoying a horse steak barbeque on a completely vacant planet less than an hour after arriving, then have I to agree with you there.’

‘Zip it, Bardock.’

“Very well, David. I’ll send a message to Princess Celestia shortly. She’ll make sure that the guards are at their peak for next year’s battle while we’re getting the civilians ready for that day. Is there anything else you think we should do?”

“Well… I’ll need to meet certain… dietary requirements in order to be at my peak.”

“Yeah, and your point is?” The rainbow maned… stallion? mare? pony said as it gave David an odd look.

“My diet is going require me to take in a certain amount of protein, so that means I’ll have to… eat meat.” David then looked at the small group that was seated with him; all of them looked at him in shock except for the yellow and pink one from before.

“So…” David tapped his fingers against the table nervously. “I don’t suppose any of you would know where I could find some.”

“Actua-” The yellow started to speak, but she was quickly cut off as the rainbow maned pony flew across the table and was nearly nose to nose with David.

“Dude, what’s wrong with you? We can’t just go out and kill animals just so you can eat their dead bodies!” The pony of unspecified gender shouted.

“Yeah!” Pinkie hopped next to David’s right shoulder. “How do you think Fluttershy would feel about somepony having to eat parts of animals? She would be traumatized for life!” She said as she pointed at her yellow friend.

“But I…” The one identified as Fluttershy as cut off as Twilight teleported to David’s left.

“Don’t worry David, I’m certain we’ll be able to plenty of foods with sufficient levels of protein to help you sustain and even increase your strength.” Twilight horn started to glow and David felt himself quickly being pulled from his seat and headed for the door. “Let’s head to Sweet Apple Acres, I just know Applejack’s kitchen will be able to help us with your dietary dilemma.”

“Yer darn tootin’ it can.” She said as she got up and straightened her hat.

“Wait, I...” By the time Fluttershy could respond, her friends had already taken out the door, leaving her to follow as they headed to the farm.

.        .        .        .

After fifteen minutes minutes of running that had given David enough time the learn the names, but not genders, of the ponies he was with, they had finally arrived at a rustic looking farm and orchard that the sign out front declared was “Sweet Apple Acres”. As the group was crossing the grounds and headed towards a house on the farmland, a dog that was sitting on the porch had started heading towards them while barking. When dog grew closer, she got a much better look at David. The dog then quickly skidded to a halt before running away, heading out towards the road as she was barking in terror.

“Aw cob, I guess I’ll have to find Winona later.” Applejack soon ushered David and her friends into the family kitchen. “Now you just take a seat, David. I’m pretty sure there’s some leftovers that should be just what yah need.” before she started digging through her fridge. As David took a seat at the table, an elderly green mare strolled into the kitchen. She squinted to get a better look at David before tapping Applejack on her shoulder.

“Applejack, dearie, could yah tell me just who or what’s sitting at out table?” Applejack looked over her shoulder before responding.

“Oh don’t sweat it, Granny. That’s David.” Applejack said before she turned her attention back to the fridge.

“He’s a super warrior that’s gonna help us fight off an alien warlord and we’ve got to find some protein rich foods so he can beat him!” Pinkie called out as she patted David on the back.”

“Uh-huh… Must be Tuesday. Well have fun dearies, I’ll be taking a nap.” Once the elderly mare had left the room, Applejack had pulled a plastic container out of the fridge.

“Alright, I think this aught ta do the trick.” She then opened the container, revealing a fluffy looking yellow substance. David soon realised what it was.

“Scrambled eggs?”

“Eeyup, we had some leftover from breakfast. How’s that?”

“Well it’s certainly a good start, but I’ll need more than just eggs. I’m really concerned about cholesterol. What else do you got?”

“Well if ya’ if want, I can get you mah brother’s nuts.” She said with a shrug.

“WHAT?!” David yelled as Rainbow landed on her back, laughing.

“Applejack, phrasing!” Rarity shouted as she blushed. As realization dawned on the cow pony, she blushed and double facehooved.

“Dangit, I meant his trail mix! It’s got almonds and walnuts!” After a moment of awkward silence, David spoke up again.

“So… anything other than eggs and… pfft… your brother’s nuts…” David could barely suppress a chuckle. “Do you have any other protein rich foods?”

“Well I’m pretty sure we’ve got one last thing.” Applejack opened the fridge once more and took out a small plate with some wavy golden strips on them.

“And what are those exactly?”

“It’s hay bacon. While gryphons may have real bacon, you ain’t gonna cause it would upset Fluttershy, so dig in!” Applejack slid the plate towards David, who picked up one of the strips and brought it up to his face.

“Oh well, what’s the worst that could happen?” David then took a bite of the hay bacon.

.        .        .        .

One emergency flight to the hospital for an epinephrine shot and an allergy test later, David and company were heading towards a restaurant in town.

“So… what’s the name of the place we’re heading to again?”

“It’s a place called Hayburger.” Twilight said as she lead David forward.

“Umm…” David bit his lip.

“Now don’t you worry there, sugarcube. They’ve plenty more than just hay.” Applejack said while gently patting David on the back.

“And after bringing Sweetie Belle several times, I happen to know for a fact that the stuff are very meticulous when it comes to keeping the restaurant clean, so there’s no need to worry about cross-contamination leading to triggering your allergy.” Rarity said as she moved close to Twilight.

“Actually, I was gonna comment on how that’s a really uncreative name.” David said as they reached the doors.

‘Agreed, I’d say it sounds like a worse name than calling it Burger Restaurant 419 or something.’

“Ah don’t sweat that. It’s name may be bad, but the food’s great.” Rainbow Dash said while leading David to a table, letting Twilight take their order. After three short minutes, Twilight came over with several trays of food in her magical aura.

“After carefully analysing the foodstuffs that can be provided by this place…” She spoke up.

‘AKA, she read the damn menu.’

“I’ve believe I’ve found the perfect food for our protein problem.” She then used her magic to remove the wrapper from a small bundle on one of the trays, revealing a burger with a gray patty in the middle. “Tofu!” David then started to gently poke the sandwich.

“Umm… Not to be rude or anything…” David quietly spoke up.

‘Oh just spit it out already you damn wimp, don’t be a Raditz!’

“Fine…” He muttered under his breath before speaking up again, “Are you sure this will… well… taste good?”

“Oh relax Davey-Wavey, lots of ponies eat tofu all the time!” Pinkie said as she bounced in her seat.

“Also, tofu if made from coagulated soy milk, so it’s very rich in protein and we know for a fact you’re not allergic to soy products. I do believe this is the perfect solution for you.” Twilight said with a happy nod.

“That… doesn’t answer my question about the taste at all.” This response caused Rarity and Applejack to rolled their eyes.

“If it makes you feel better, David…” Twilight spoke as she levitated an unwrapped burger up to her face. “We’ll all have some tofu burgers at the same time as you, alright?”

“Alright.” David nodded before he and the other ponies grabbed burgers. “On the count of three. 1…”

“2…” Twilight said as they all brought their food closer.

“3!” Pinkie shouted.

*CHOMP*

.        .        .        .

One emergency teleport to the hospital for a stomach pumping for six later, David and company were shakingly walking back towards the town.

“Uhh… I can’t believe that a major restaurant chain like Hayburger would sell expired tofu to their beloved customers!” Twilight yelled whiling stomping her hooves.

‘I could’

‘Now’s not the time for that, Bardock.’

“At least we’ll be feeling better in time for the class action lawsuit.” Rainbow said while walking along, feeling far too sick to fly.

“Anyone else want to call it quits for the day?” David asked as he weakly followed along.

“NO!” Twilight shouted, her mane becoming slightly frazzled as she swiftly turned to face the group. “We’re not giving up until we’ve found a solution! Everypony, follow me to the market!” She darted forward as the ponies and saiyan all let out tired sighs.

.        .        .        .

After she calmed down the scared Winona and taking her back to the farm, Fluttershy had found her friends had apparently headed back to town. Once she had run back to where several of Ponyville’s restaurants were, she finally ran out of breath. Not seeing her friends anywhere, she then tapped a nearby mare who was sitting oddly in a restaurant’s chair.

“Excuse me…” She said between pants. The green unicorn with a mouth full of food turned back to look at her. “Have you seen… Princess Twilight… and a strange… creature?” The unicorn swallowed before answering.

“Well, if by ‘strange’, you mean ‘sexy’, than yes, I have!” She happily said with a nod.

“Ew… Lyra!” Her cream-coated companion spoke up as she shuddered in disgust.

“But Bon Bon, he had hands! Besides, I’m curious about how he breeds, I want him breed for me!” Lyra said with a wagging tail while grinning ear-to-ear, ignoring the annoyed pegasus who was catching her breath.

“Don’t you mean ‘with you’, you freaky pervert?” Bon Bon responded.

“That too. If you want, you could ask him to let you join in. Lots of guys are into threesomes.” Lyra’s smile grew even wider as Bon Bon’s face quickly became greener than her friend.

“Did you see… where they went?” Fluttershy piped up as Bon Bon ran to the bathroom.

“Last I checked, they teleported to the hospital after having some really bad tofu.”

“Faust damn it!” Fluttershy yelled out before taking to the air.

“If you manage to get him into bed, call me!” Lyra called out while waving to the disappearing pegasus.

.        .        .        .

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU’RE ALL OUT?!” Twilight shouted in the Royal Canterlot Voice at a green stallion running a small food stand.

“I-I-I’m really sorry P-P-Princess, but I sold the last of my soy a few hours ago…” He cringed as he ducked behind his stand, leaving only his brown mane visible. “But I should have a fresh supply sometime next week.” He said as he brought his face up a little, revealing a nervous grin on his white muzzle.

“THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE!” She yelled once more, sending the poor stallion onto his back several feet away. The angered princess then started to take some deep breaths to slightly calm herself. “It looks like we may have exhausted all of our options in Ponyville.”

“So… um… what are we going to do now?” David said as he nervously glanced around the square, seeing that nearly everypony’s eyes were drawn to the frazzled alicorn.

‘Well the good news seems to be that the ponies don’t fear you as much as this one now, so that’s a plus.’

“Oh don’t you worry David, I have a plan.” She said with a sinister chuckle and a twitchy left eye. “I’ll just commandeer a train and take you to Canterlot. And if that fails, then I’ll take you Manehattan, then Hollow Shades, Vanhoover, and every other city and town in Equestria until we can fix this!”

“WAIT!” Everyone within earshot looked up and saw a ragged looking Fluttershy flying next to her friends before making a wobbly landing.

“Ah, Fluttershy. Excellent, I glad that you’re here. With you here, it be much easier to find David a meat substitute once we’ve arrived in Canter-” Twilight was cut off a when a yellow hoof was shoved into her mouth.

“Twilight, stop. We don’t need to find David at meat substitute at all!” Twilight could only give out a confused sounding murmur.

“What do you mean, Flutters?” Applejack inquired as Fluttershy took her hoof out of Twilight’s mouth and wiped it off.

“What I mean is that I have at least ten pounds of fish, pork and chicken my fridge!” She spouted out.

“WHAT?!” Everypony in the gathered crowd asked in unison.

“Fluttershy, why do you have meat at all, let alone that much?” Rainbow cried and before landed next to Twilight. Fluttershy let out a very tired sigh

“Look, I can understand that you wanted protect me from something that you figured would traumatise me, but I’ve been taken care of animals require meat for their diets for years. It’s perfectly natural for some animals to eat other animals for food, and I don’t have a problem with that. I tried to tell you that back in Sugarcube Corner, but you took off before I could.”

“Oh… I’m really sorry about this, Fluttershy. We shouldn’t have rushed off, and we should have listened to what you were trying to say.” Twilight said before Fluttershy pulled her into a hug. “I’m sure we’ve learned something really important.”

“I sure did.” Pinkie said as she popped up between Fluttershy and Twilight. “I learned that if  you’re having unprotected sex, you shouldn’t sing ‘Let It Go’, cause then the stallion will think that’s what you want him to do and then you’ll have to go and get an emergency contraceptive!” She grinned happily while many of the nearby ponies were mortified by what she said. Bardock decided that this was a good time to take control of his body for an instant and break the tension.

“Well, with that out of the way, think I can get a chicken and bacon sandwich?” Fluttershy snapped out her stupor and responded.

“Yes. Yes you may.”