The Shorse's Chortle

Guy was done with this twenty minutes ago.

Now the little sprites or whatever they were, were trying to pull her on a sort of wheeled slab.

Like that would ever work.

Then again, she couldn’t figure out how they’d gotten her on it in the first place, so . . .

She groaned loudly in boredom and frustration. If only she could open her wings and fly away-

“Ouch!”

One of the ‘guards’ sitting on her chest had thwacked her beak with its stick. It packed a punch for something little bigger than a bug.

“What gives?” she said angrily, craning her neck to glare at the annoying little pests. She wouldn’t’ve minded them so much, if they hadn’t tied her up like a rabbit for dinner.

It squeaked strictly at her, waving its stick threateningly as if to scold her for being so unruly. She glared at the forest despondently.

Why did she even try to talk to these things?

There was nothing to do but just wait.

She wasn’t good at that, but unless she wanted to strangle herself on the fishing-wire restraints, she’d better keep still.

…

And Fauntleroy had thought Discord was weird.

He tried to make sense of everything as it whirled in a blur around him.

After the dragon had had his fun teasing him, he’d grabbed up the batpony under his arm like a troublesome foal and walked out of space. He’d taken a zipper–pull that was hanging about six feet off the ground and pulled it down, revealing a rip into what looked like another dimension.

Fauntleroy was just speculating, but that was the only explanation of which he could think.

In this dimension were a bunch of ponies that looked like him. Sort of.

The ones that had wings-the wings were feathered, and not webbed. And they were super-tall compared to him, and they were girls.

Here was how the conversation went after he was plopped in front of six rather shaken-looking, mud-splattered, wide-eyed mares.

“Discord! We saw something in the-” began a yellow Pegasus.

“You don’t have anythin’ ta do with this, do ya?” said one in a cowboy hat accusingly.

Discord scoffed as if his honor had been besmirched. “Why would lil’ ol’ me, want to do something like this?”

“You already know th’ answer ta that!”

“Honestly, all I did was rescue a poor little colt from wandering aimlessly in my realm forever.” He looked thoughtful. “Maybe I should take him back-”

“No!” said a purple Pegasus/unicorn quickly. “Don’t do that, please. And we were talking about an Alicorn, out in the woods.”

Discord raised an eyebrow. “You mean Luna? Y’know she stalks campers, don’t you?”

The conversation continued, meanwhile little yellow Pegasus had crept up beside Fauntleroy and said very quietly “What’s your name?”

“Fauntleroy.”

“Where did Discord get you from?”

“He got me when I was where he was-I woke up where he lives, I guess.”

The Pegasus’ eyebrows knitted. “You mean, he didn’t grab you from your home-not that he would do it to be mean, he just likes to play jokes on ponies-”

The batpony shook his head. “Nope-We were opening a late Christmas present from Trika and it blew up and there I was, looking like this.” He shook his back leg while looking at it and swished his tail.

The Pegasus looked at a loss for words. “Oh. Well, I’m Fluttershy.”

“Hi!” said Fauntleroy, giving a grin that showed all his pointed teeth. The Pegasus jumped with a ‘meep’ sound, then grinned also. He noticed that her canines were more noticeable than they would have been otherwise. He gave her a hug and she returned it.

“We’re teeth-buddies.” He said, muffled by her fur. She giggled.

He was snatched from her gentle embrace and nearly suffocated by a bone-crushing hug against something pink.

“Ooooooooooh!” squealed a bouncy voice. “You’re so adorable!”

“Gak-” he said, and she said “Oh! Sorry about that!” before putting him down. He swayed dizzily before his double-vision combined into the image of a pink pony with outlandishly curly hair. She smiled excitedly and started bouncing.

“I’m Pinkie Pie, but you can call me Pinkie ‘cause everyone calls me that ‘cause ‘Pinkie Pie’ is way too long to say all the time even though I’ve said it like twice now!”

Fauntleroy blinked before smiling and jumping up and down. “I’m Fauntleroy-‘cause that’s my name and most people call me Fauntleroy-I don’t know why I don’t have a nickname yet ‘cause my name’s like super long and I even get tired of saying it sometimes. You can call me ‘Leroy’ or ‘Faunt’ or something like that if you want-I don’t really care as long as I know it’s me you’re calling for-nice to meet you!” He took a deep breath and waited for her reaction.

All he got was another bone-crushing hug, which he returned.

“I guess yu’ll jest have ta stay with us.” Said the one with the hat, reminding Fauntleroy that a conversation had been going on. “’Till we find ‘yer friends.”

~

“Whatever you want-” Winchester said firmly, “I’ll never give in!”

The demon unicorn chuckled, walking around him seductively. He proudly refused to follow her circuit and simply stared straight ahead, his mouth in a scathing half-sneer. He could take this overgrown insect, but he was tied up a hundred miles from any trees.

He had to hold in a groan. Though this was pretty cool he couldn’t deny-how often do you get tied up like a spy and interrogated by a member of foreign royalty?

“I think we can make you talk.” Said the unicorn threateningly. He scoffed, snapped back to the present.

“Pfft-and what exactly do you have to barter with, your highness?”

She grinned wider at his derision that was obviously a façade.

“We have that charming friend of yours in the torture chamber-Miramel, was it?”

~

Queen Chrysalis tilted her head happily as his eyes widened to the size of dinner plates. This always worked-say you had their loved one captive and they’d do whatever you wanted. So it kinda threw a wrench in the works when he burst out laughing.

“What?” the queen demanded. “Don’t deny that you love her-I’ve read your mind!”

He continued to laugh, several tears rolling down his face as he shook against the restraints.

“By all means, keep laughing.” she admonished dismissively, “Every second you do so is another that she suffers.” She watched him closely, but he snorted and kept snickering.

“I promise you, we take things very literally when it comes to breaking captives.” Said the insect-like Alicorn, glaring down at him threateningly.

He just kept laughing, and she’d finally had enough- She was both seriously annoyed at his flippant disregard of her threats, and wanted to end the noise that threatened to infect her as well. He was so cute when he laughed-NOPE Nope-this ends now.

“For the sake of all things evil!” She grabbed him by the neck, pinning his head against the pole. That stopped him laughing, but he was still biting his lip and grinning.

“What in the name of the Sunbutt, are you laughing about, boy?” she spat, shaking him.

“If you have Miramel-” he gasped, still grinning, “then you’re in more trouble than I am.” He burst out laughing again. She let go and stalked away, glaring and cursing under her breath.

“Called your bluff.” He managed to get out, before his breathing steadied. “You just have me, don’t you?”

This guy was infuriating. Yet admirab-

“Fine!” she growled, whipping around to face him. “We don’t have her, but we do have you.” She grinned again. His smile vanished.

~

Idunn’s eyes fluttered open. Her sinuses were all stuffed up like she had a cold, her throat was raw and she was freezing, even though she was surrounded by something warm. Her vision focused on something she’d never seen. It was a horse. She’d seen horses before, of course, but this one was sparkly! Like a gem or something, and it had armor on. It was saying something to her.

The first couple of times, it was too garbled for her to understand, then her ears started to work properly, but by that time he’d stopped talking.

She groaned uncomfortably as she tried to rise. A large blanket fell from her shoulders-that must’ve been what was warm. She rubbed her forehead, then gasped as she realized that she didn’t have her claws.

She looked down at what had been her hands to see hooves. She blinked at them, disoriented, before she realized he’d said something else to her. She looked up at him sideways, then all around. There were more guards like him standing at attention next to doors, different shades of fractal-ed sparkliness. There was also a clerk behind a desk with a nurse’s cap on, flipping through a clipboard of notes. Another nurse that she hadn’t noticed was walking towards her cot with a steaming bowl of something.

Idunn figured she was in a hospital.

“D’you suppose she’s deaf?” whispered the guard sideways to the newly-arrived nurse.

“Doh, I cad hear you.” Said Idunn with a warm smile, her speech muffled by her stuffed nose. He jumped, looking at her weirdly.

“Why didn’t you answer before, then?”

“I did’t cadch whad you said.” She said as the nurse gruffly tucked her in, tutting something about hypothermia and ‘Empress not giving poor fillies their rest’.

“Ooh!” she exclaimed, her excitement peaked. “Are dere Ebpresses here?” She’d always wanted to meet some.

“About that-” began the guard, but the nurse cut him off.

“Yes dear, there is and an Emperor too, but you’ll just have to eat this before you go gallivanting anywhere.” She pushed the bowl of soup into her hooves before shooting a look at the sentry.

Idunn noticed that there were dark markings from the bottoms of her feet to her knees. She could tell that her feather-frills that usually adorned her shoulders were gone. She frowned for a second-How would she present herself to royalty without her plumage? She returned her attention to the soup.

It looked like liquid marble and smelled like bacon. She sniffed at it uncertainly.

“You’re not going to get any better unless you-” began the nurse, but Idunn was already daintily sipping it. She felt warmth pervade her every nerve, flooding her insides like liquid heat. She kept on drinking, and her congestion and sore throat began to fade. When the soup was gone, she’d never felt better. She beamed at them, and they looked a little taken aback at her large, pearly white fangs.

“Oh!” said the nurse. “What big teeth you have!”

Idunn giggled, delicately handing the bowl back. “All the better to eat you with, my dear.”

The guard and nurse looked appalled. Idunn paused.

“Er-have you heard of that here?”

“What, cannibalism?” said the guard, inching backwards.

“No-Red Riding Hood.”

“What?”

She decided to stop before they clapped her in irons.

“You have a very nice hat, by the way.” She said to the nurse.

“Oh.” She said, looking flustered, straightening said hat. “Thank you dearie.” Though she didn’t look like she was talking to a ‘dearie’-more like a rabid animal.

“Erm . . .” said Idunn, looking uncomfortable, “What was it you were going to say sir?”

“The Emperor and Empress wish to see you, miss.” He replied stiffly, looking wary.

“Really?” She said, hopping out of bed and promptly doing the splits on the marble floor. Before they could say anything, she jumped to her feet, swaying a second before standing straight.

“Whoo! This floor is slick isn’t it?” She looked at the nurse and guard, then at the other sentries, who by this time were looking over, too.

“What?” she asked, looking around behind her as if there were something interesting.

“Uuh-this way please.” Said the guard, throwing a glance at the others. They snappily returned to attention, and Idunn followed.

~

One particular orange Pegasus with blue hair was watching closely. This was an odd pony if he’d ever seen one. She was unnaturally tall and slender-almost ferret-like. She limped from an old injury in her back left leg, and scars adorned her body. One deep furrow above her hock was obviously causing the limp, and three sets of claw marks were visible-on the back of her neck, left cheek and across her rear. A long burn-mark showed on both the inside of her right shoulder and her underbelly.

Despite this, the mare’s smile seemed to light up the room, and her step-although halting-had a bounce to it.

Her hair was a dark purplish that curled behind and under her ears in a perfect way. Her tail was long and straight, held into a loose ponytail-ish thing by a tie at the end. Her body was Wisteria-colored and her ‘socks’ were a deeper purple closer to her hair hue. Her neck was almost white, but returned to light violet by her especially fluffy shoulders. She had a single spot of color on the end of her snout-making it look as if she had a dog’s nose. Her ears were also weirdly feathery -maybe she had some batpony in her.

She smiled at all the guards in turn, as if to thank them for being there. When she smiled at him, he noticed that her pupils were oblong-not really circles. He returned the gesture uncertainly, noticing her sparkling fangs. He really hoped that the Emporer and Emporess knew what they was doing.

~

Miramel looked at the towel in dumfound.

Zecora held it out to the sopping-wet Alicorn, but she didn’t take it. Instead, she looked questioningly at Applebloom, who nodded.

“Well don’t make Zecora wait, Mirameyl.” She said, grabbing the towel and throwing it over the larger pony’s back. Miramel watched silently, her head turned 180 degrees around. She looked back at the filly as if waiting for something.

“And?” she said quietly.

“Ain’t’cha never taken a bath before?”

Miramel wordlessly, but gracefully licked her foreleg and rubbed it on her forehead before looking back at Applebloom. The filly’s mouth had fallen open.

“Don’t worry dear, (and use that towel), you needn’t utter a single vowel.” Said Zecora.

“What’s thayt suppose’ta mean?” said Applebloom.

“I’m picking up by observation, that she is not much for conversation.”

“Oh,” said Applebloom, looking back at Miramel. “Why didn’t’cha jest say so?”

Zecora facehoofed.

~

Guy snorted out of her snooze, awakened by a burst of raucous laughter.

“Wha-? Whatappened?” she said, disoriented. She’d laid there so long on this slab that she’d died of boredom.

That might have been literal for how deeply she’d conked out. Her throat was parched and her stomach growled loudly.

The laughter started again, and she squinted into the blinding sunlight to see an eagle.

No-wait-it was way too big. She looked some more, and saw lion paws behind giant eagle’s talons. She knew what this thing was called-it was on the tip of her tongue.

“Griffin!” She said out loud, finally able to think of it. “Oh thank every power there is! Getmeoutta here, will you?” she said, struggling against the fishing wire. “These stupid bugs’ve been holding me like this for days!” Said captors had obviously been scared away by the newcomer.

The griffin snickered cruelly, and walked around Guy. She got a better view of her. The Griffin had an off-grey head of a bald eagle with purple highlights around her eyes. Three long, purple-tipped feathers hung in front of her face. Her eyes were a harsh yellow.

Guy wasn’t sure she liked this chicken.

“What a dope!” she cackled, and Guy’s beak fell open. “Hey guys, check this loser out!” she called, and a second later two other griffins landed beside her.

Guy’s face flushed but she scowled viciously at them. She definitely didn’t like her.

“It’s not my fault-they got me while I was asleep!”

“Snooze, ya lose, wimp!”

Guy audibly growled, her ears laid full back. The griffins looked surprised, then derisive.

“Oooh! She’s so scawy, you guys! I think ah might’ve peed my pants!” snickered one of the griffins. The leader shot him a look and he immediately bowed his head submissively.

“Cut me loose and I’ll show you how scary I am!” Guy yelled, every feather on her bristling.

The eagle one pretended to think about it. “Mmmmmm, nah.”

“WHAT?!”

“I don’t think you deserve to be ‘cut loose’. We can’t have a wimpy lamebrain like you joining our eyrie.” She snapped Guy in the face with the tip of her tufted tail before walking away.

“C’mon you guys, let’s hit the road.”

“W-what about her?” said one uncertainly. Guy craned her neck to try and see them.

“She’ll just be an example to those too stupid to avoid the Breezies.” Said the eldest venomously. She heard the flap of several wings fade as they flew away.

Guy fumed, struggling with all her might. She didn’t care that the wires were digging into her skin-every fiber of her being called for payback.

Revenge.

And even if she had to cut herself into pieces on this line, she was going to get it.