The Shorse's Chortle

Idunn was floored by the sheer beauty of all she saw around her. After endless, glittering hallways seemingly made only of glass prisms, she was brought before two large thrones. Upon the larger sat a buff unicorn with blue hair and a simple, yet distinctive crown sat on his head. He was looking at her neutrally, as if waiting for something to base his overall judgment on. She felt a little pressured. His wife sat beside him, a unicorn/Pegasus. She was beautiful-tall and her hair reached the floor. She had a glittering crown behind her horn.

Both ponies were sparkly like the others.

Idunn, aware of how important these two obviously were, slowly bent on one knee and bowed her head. “My Emperor and Empress.” She said clearly, but not unctuously. Unbeknownst to her, the Emperor raised an eyebrow approvingly.

Idunn heard the soft flap of wings, and her head was raised until she looked into the Empress’ eyes.

“Just ‘Cadence’, is fine.” She said.

Idunn was amazed-she sounded so young.

“And what’s your name?” the Alicorn continued.

“Idunn.” She said smartly, smiling winningly. Cadence returned it. By this time, the Emperor had walked up, too.

“Nice to meet you Idunn.” he said as he shook her hoof. “My name’s Shining Armor.”

Idunn sighed. “How romantic.”

“I know!” said Cadence happily. Shining pursed his lips as if he got this a lot.

“Would you like to sit down?” he asked politely as a couple of servants brought out three chairs. Idunn got the impression that even if she wanted to stand, she should sit.

They were served an odd drink that tasted like peppermint and cinnamon. Idunn politely set it aside after the first sip.

“As a matter of our Empire’s security, how did you come to be here?”

“In the palace?” She asked. She’d have thought he’d known that she walked in.

“No.” he sighed. “Our guards brought you in from the blizzard country surrounding us.”

“That explains why I had that bad cold.”

“How did an earth pony get all the way out there without extra clothing or supplies?” he asked, looking dumbfounded. “There are no records of you being on the train, or in our city before this.”

“Ummmmmm…” Idunn said, looking down. The last thing she remembered was a box being opened.

“Let’s start with where you’re from, originally.” Said Cadence kindly.

“Nowhereland.” She said brightly. Shining’s eyebrows knitted and he half-frowned. Maybe he’d never heard of it- There were, after all, only fourteen regular citizens to her native country.

“It’s also called Cerebrum?” Both of the royals looked no closer to comprehending.

“Gray Matter?”

Nada. Wait- she smacked herself in the head. “Duh! Different universe! Sorry about that you guys. I don’t expect you to’ve heard of any of that.” She smiled at them apologetically.

Shining was about to say something when Cadence stopped him gently. “Well, it’s not the weirdest thing to happen here.” She reminded him. He grudgingly nodded.

“And she’s passed the changeling test.” Said the Empress in satisfaction.

“What?”

“Nothing, just a little precaution we do here.” She said with a bright smile.

“Moving on-” said the Emporer. “I don’t suppose you were traveling with anyone . . .”

“If I was traveling, I don’t remember any of it, so that’s entirely possible.” Said the tall pony with a smile.

“Well, I think we should take you to meet somepony then.” Said the Emporer, offering a hoof to his wife to rise with, then to Idunn. She almost sighed at the gentlemanliness.

“I have to warn you though, if you don’t actually know him. He’s a little-volatile, shall we say?”

“That’s a good word for it.” Said Cadence, looking like she was reliving some unpleasant memories.

~

Shining was a little apprehensive about introducing this sweet-albeit absent-minded and a little daft- mare to who she was about to meet.

He shook his head. It was fine. This guy was in a cell, and she was with Cadence and himself. He just hoped nothing terrible had happened to the sentinels that had been stationed there.

His hopes were quashed by a guard running out of the room with his helmet in his hoof. Upon seeing the Emporer, he backpedaled frantically on the slick stone before falling on his back at Shining’s feet.

The ruler raised an eyebrow. The guard quickly got up, trying to find the words to speak.

“Forgive me, your highness, I didn’t expect you to be right there-I was just running to fetch you! My upmost apologies!” he said, bowing in embarrassment.

“Never mind that-what happened?” said Shining interrogatively.

“The prisoner-he bit me!” said the guard in an almost whiny way.

“He . . . bit you.” Said Shining skeptically, looking the shaken guard over but seeing no wound to speak of.

“Yes! Well, on my helmet, but still-look!” He held up his helm and Shining almost jumped. Inch-deep fang-impressions adorned it in the shape of a jaw right over where the back of the guard’s neck would be.

“How-” said Shining haltingly, tearing his gaze from the helm, “-How did it miss you?!”

“Ducked out of it at the right second sir. The devil couldn’t take my helmet back into the cell with him ‘cause it was too big to fit through. I was just coming to tell you-I don’t think we ought to keep that thing here anymore!”

“Why?”

“He’s started to chew through the bars, sir.” Said the guard, looking frightened.

“Maybe making them out of rock candy was a bad idea . . .” said Cadence thoughtfully.

Idunn just watched all of this with an absent smile, trying to get a good look at the helmet from over Shining’s shoulder.

He groaned while massaging the bridge of his nose. This was not going as planned.

“That sounds like something William would do!” Said Idunn cheerfully. Shining’s eyes snapped open.

“What did you say?”

“William.” She repeated. “Well, usually we call him something else ‘cause he looks like-”

“So you know him?”

“Well I don’t know if that’s him yet-”

“Let’s find out.” Said the Emporer, leading the way into the cell.

~

“So,” said the little batpony, after he’d been introduced to everypony, “Do you guys have any siblings?”

“Yes.” Said Discord, though offered no more on the subject.

“Yep!” said Pinkie cheerfully.

“No.” said Fluttershy, a little sadly.

“Yes.” Said Rarity, and was about to elaborate, when she was cut off.

“BISCUITS AND GRAVY!” said Applejack, facehoofing.

“Such language!” said Discord with a grin.

“What is it?” asked Twilight.

“Applebloom’s still at Zecoruh’s!” she said frantically. “With that, that thing on th’ loose!”

Discord and the other ponies gasped dramatically, but he was smiling.

“How awful.” He said, looking very interested.

“Is that bad?” said Fauntleroy, but no one heard him on account of a sudden conversation being struck.

“We gotta go after her!”

“Not to mention warn Zecora!”

“’Go after her’? As in ‘go back’? Into the forest? Where the monster is?”

“Well yeah! We can’t just leave ‘em!”

Fauntleroy, Spike and Discord simply sat back to watch the mares freak out. Fauntleroy had to admit, it was kinda funny.

“Discord!” Called the Alicorn as they finished.

“Yesh, mashter?” he slurred.

“Are you coming?”

“Most certainly.” He replied. “C’mon Leroy.” He said, grabbing the batpony up by the tail and flipping him onto his head.

“Oh no- He’s not coming with us!” said Rarity sternly. “And neither are you, Spike.”

“What!?” they both said in unison, but Discord silenced the batpony with a claw against his mouth.

“In my professional opinion, I think we should consider the options we have at our disposal.”

“What in blue blazes are ya goin’ on about?”

“Well, think of this-where did both this ‘creature’, and little Fountainroy come from? Hypothetically, if they know one another, mightn’t the batpony be of some use communicating?”

Their eyebrows knitted as they considered this.

“But he’s not like that Alicorn!” said Rainbow sharply. “They can’t’ve come from the same place!”

“We don’t know that, do we?” he countered. Rainbow scowled.

“I can help, really!” said Fauntleroy from his high perch. Discord gave a winning smile.

Twilight groaned.

“Fine.” she said after a second.

“And the dragon?” said the Draconequus, holding up Spike. They both made puppy-dog eyes.

“Absolutely not!” said Twilight.

“Too bad, he comes.” Said Discord, setting off towards the forest with the batpony and dragonling in tow.

Twilight’s teeth were set on edge, but she really didn’t have a choice.

“Boys.” She grumbled, trotting with the others after them.

~

Nixie Sparks could count on one-er-well, she hadn’t been at a loss many times in her life, but this definitely counted.

Nixie was a young Jenny, meaning a female donkey. She was a perky sort of yellow with a dark- and light-blue striped mane that hung in front of her eyes in the front but mohawked along her neck. Her tail was lion-like with a small tuft on the end matching her mane. Her cutie mark was a hammer and anvil surrounded by glowing sparks. She was a blacksmith. Her jaw was set and her ears usually laid back, but despite her surly appearance, she was actually quite cheerful. Her body was lean but muscular-it needed to be for pulling around weapons and stuff all the time.

She’d been pulling a cart full of armor through the countryside to sell at a neighboring town when she heard a terrible racket.

She ditched the cart and went to look. She blinked.

There was a griffin hog-tied to a slab of rock, writhing to get loose. It spotted her and glared.

“If you’ve come to laugh, I’ve had just about enough of that.” She growled, going back to struggling.

“Uh-No I just-Do you want some help?” Nixie asked nicely.

The griffin blinked. “Yes-I would.” She suddenly looked suspicious. “This isn’t a joke is it?”

“No-lemme just get my shears.”

The griffin’s eyes became as wide as dinner plates.

“Relax. I know what I’m doing.”

Within minutes, the griffin was running around, stretching her legs and flapping her wings in ecstasy.

“Oh thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou!” she cried, rolling in the grass and leaping about. “I’ve never been so bored in my life!” she said, shuddering.

“How long were you there?”

“Must’ve’been days, weeks even. All without a drop of water to sustain me!” she collapsed dramatically.

“Want some water?” asked the Jenny.

“Yeah!” said the griffin, in a ‘duh’ kind of way, but the donkey didn’t mind-she was used to rudeness in her trade.

After the bird-dog’s thirst was properly slaked and her hunger satisfied, she asked which way the ‘earee’ was.

“Do you mean ‘eyrie’?”

“Yeah that.”

“Don’t you know?”

“Obviously not.”

This time, Nixie frowned. “It’s on top of that mountain, smart one.” She said, pointing a hoof.

Guy whipped around to see a huge swarm of what looked like gnats from this far away-it was situated at the peak of a foreboding-looking mountain.

“Thanks a lot.” Said the griffin determinedly, and she took off, flying as fast as she could for the eyrie.

“Bye then, I guess.” Said the Jenny, before returning to her cart. “So much for my dinner ration.”

~

Cadence was a teensy bit apprehensive about this, but it was too late-the bouncy earth pony had already followed Cadence’s husband into the cell. She quickly followed.

Both royals’ mouths fell open. The remaining guard was currently trying to jab the sleipnir away from the cell bars with his spear. The eight-legged monstrosity was having none of it, though. His jaw had unhinged into a maw full of fangs and his long, green-striped tongue was stuck out in the snarl. He seized the spear and effortlessly snapped it, spitting out the piece and snorting before glaring at the Emperor and Empress.

“Well hello.” He said in a crazy calmness, though his hackles were raised. “Come to visit the inmate?”

Cadence ignored him and looked at the earth pony. Idunn’s hooves had gone to her mouth and her eyes were wide. The Empress immediately felt guilty. This obviously wasn’t somepony she knew.

“Oh my goodness.” Said the mare quietly, and all but the sleipnir’s eyes fell on her. They heard the tumblers of a lock clicking just in time to see the prisoner walk free, having picked the cell door lock with the end of the spear.

Shining immediately jumped in front of the two mares, but Idunn leapt over his shoulder nimbly and latched onto the sleipnir.

“William!” she cried, and everyone looked surprised, even the escapee. He looked down at her in furious surprise, his mouth partially open, but seemed unable to move. Shining was fully expecting her to be eaten, but nothing of the sort happened.

“I’d hoped it was you!” Idunn said, swaying a little as she clung to his neck.

The sliepnir’s lip curled in exasperation as he rolled his eyes and groaned. His fangs ground together as he seemed to be controlling himself. He shot Shining a venomous look that said Not one word.

“So what if it’s me?” Bones growled, roughly shoving her off. Idunn was unperturbed and bounced to stand next to him, beaming. Cadence could tell that she was used to this kind of treatment.

“Well now we can check this place out together!” she said brightly, trying to catch his smoldering gaze.

“Heck no!” He snarled, pushing his way past the royalty and guards as if they were no longer a part of the conversation. Idunn followed him, not acknowledging the royals either, but more because she was focused on someone else. The crystal ponies followed a little farther behind, slightly spellbound by this odd conversation.

“I’ve had it up to here with this sickening universe, and I intend to get out of it!” he said, his words dripping with vice.

“It’s not so bad.” Said Idunn kindly. The sleipnir whirled about to face her, but she didn’t jump.

“Not, so, bad, is it?” he said, in an inquiring way, looking amazed.

“Which one of us was locked in a dungeon for the last three hours? Maybe you can stay here while I hit the road!” he yelled, walking on again. Idunn trotted after him, still limping.

“You’re right, you’re right, I’m sorry.” She said with true penitence. Cadence was amazed at her meekness. So much love, so freely given was just disregarded, and yet it kept coming.

Bones growled in a surly way, striding purposefully down the crystalline corridor.

Idunn giggled light-heartedly and he glanced back at her.

“What?” he spat. She stifled another snicker.

“What?!” he demanded, louder this time.

“You-you have a mustache now!” she said before dissolving into giggles again.

He moaned as if in agony and stalked on, trying to outpace her.