Bad Stories For Bad People

Hey, people reading, my name is Jason Jones (oh shit, that’s my real name. Damn, I guess you guys know who harpseal2 is now). I’m 21 years old, and I’ve been stuck in Equestria for a while now. I know, life’s pretty weird now. I’m living with Twilight, my favourite pony, in her super huge castle, which is pretty cool. I sleep in her bed, and sometimes we fuck, I mean, nothing special or anything here. Nothing weird about interspecies sex with an equine. It’s really great, I love living here. It’s even better than being in the real world!

I mean, everyone likes me, and they think I’m totally cool. Except Rainbow Dash, who's a fucking bitch. She hates me for like no reason, she just hated me out of the blue, just like I did, apparently. I know, right? I’m not a fucking shallow Mary-Sue of a character or anything, because.

Anyway, good news I guess. She figured out a spell to recharge my iPhone. When she gets all her friends around, I’m gonna play them some music. They’re gonna love it.

Twilight’s friends gathered around me, as my iPhone turned on. They were shocked and amazed, except for Rainbow Dash, that fucking asshole. God, I hate her. Easily the worst character in the show and in this fic. This is in no way related to how much I dislike her in the show or anything.

“Boore-ring!” she said in her annoying voice, “Just play us some music already, dude I hate for absolutely no reason apart from the fact that you dislike my character in the show, and since you’re an autist fuck who created an awful Gary Stu, that means that I need to hate you.”

“Give it a minute you impatient whore!” I said.

All the other girls nodded their heads, and shushed her. Yep, that’s right, even they hate her in this fic, which has NOTHING to do with how I actually feel about her at all. Nope, not one bit.

My iPod came to life, and I unlocked it. My background was a troll face. Damn, that’s awesome.

“What is that?” Rainbow Dash whined like a bitch.

“It’s a meme, you dip.”

I adjusted my fedora.

I picked the “music” app. Hmm, what should I play for the girls?

I saw the name NOFX, and I thought, yes, they’d love it!

I picked my favourite album, War on Errorism, and I picked the only song I’ve heard from them, Franco Unamerican.

The music started.

“...umm,” Twilight said, “This is total shit.”

“Yeah,” Rarity agreed, “What the fuck is this even supposed to be?”

“Not music,” Fluttershy chimed in, “That’s certainly the case.”

Spaghetti fell from my pockets.

“Hey, this is kinda good!” Dash said.

“FUCK YOU!” I said to Rainbow Dash.

“I can’t believe I prepared a party for this!” Pinkie said.

“Ah can’t believe how terrible this shit is!” Applejack said.

Everyone started walking out, except for Rainbow Dash, who wanted to torment me like the snivelling little shit she is.

“NoooooO!” I said, my voice cracking like the fat, pathetic manchild I am.

Spaghetti fell from my pockets. My fedora rolled off my head.

“Damn, you’re fucking pathetic,” Dash said, following her friends out.

I pulled my handy gun out of my pocket (I love the second amendment!) and I shot myself in the fucking face.