A Tiger in Equestria

Twilight and her friends were all inside her brand new sparkly castle. Which is still way too sparkly for my tastes. Rainbow Dash was going on about their exploits, something about Keys, Tirek and a sweet castle. Twilight was being all philosophical again when she sat on her seat. The cutie mark on their respective seats started to glow. Due to past experience, my first instinct was to locate my tank and hide inside it. When you've been here as long as I have, glowing things mean giant weaponized doom, for example, a few days ago with Tirek, Giant Glowing Ball. The wedding, giant glowing shockwave, the Crystal Empire giant glowing heart, Discord, giant glowing Elements of Harmony. Oh, even worse if it's spinning. So, when I jumped back into the tank and waited for the impending shockwave, explosion, something to come, there was nothing. So, I decided it would be a good idea to drive the tank into the castle room itself, the doorway was clearly big enough for us.

We drove in to find a giant crystal table that wasn't there a second ago, Spike walking on said table and stepping on something and Pinkie Pie looking sad. Then glowing symbols of their cutie marks, which made me duck my head in again, since the last few times I saw them meant that the Elements of Harmony were being used, flew from the place where Ponyville was marked on the map, to some random area in a mountain. Twilight made some speech about how the Elements of Harmony were connected to the Tree of Harmony, which was connected to the castle, which created this map. Therefore, it must be telling them to go there. I won't go on about how that may not be the case, since it all did was show their Cutie Mark symbols over a mountain. Twilight and her friends made some plans discussing about how they would go there, while Spike turned down the offer of going, in favour of Hoofball. I decided to tag along, since they're going into the middle of about nowhere and not to brag, but we're the only crew that's equipped heavily enough to take down dragons. Dragons! 88mm cannons with AP shells do help a lot.

I didn't know their trains had absolutely stunning brakes. I should ask them them about it. I mean really, have you ever seen a train, going at full speed, stop in three seconds. I think I'm going to call Magic being the cause of it. It's always Magic around here. Anything interesting? Magic. Anything powerful? Magic. I have yet to find something that's seriously powerful and is not related to Magic somehow.

Well that was a fucking long road trip. At least the tank offered shelter, to us, Twilight and her friends. There are so many ways a tank could be used, you just don't know that some of them are quite unorthodox. So, we arrive on the edge of a cliff, looking at a small quaint town, built in two columns, with one random house in the front. Pinkie rolled down the cliff and was now attempting to hide under rocks. The rest of them followed her down, but not doing the same weird thing she was doing. I learned not to question Pinkie Pie, it makes my head hurt less. It was a pretty steep slope, but we managed to do it without anything falling out or the tank tipping over. After checking that nothing had fallen out, I looked up to see Pinkie Pie lifting a boulder, which was somehow flat, and motion to Twilight and the rest of them to come over.

Later, we managed to find out that they didn't have normal Cutie Marks, instead they were all equal signs for some reason. Twilight remarked that it's impossible and I'm no expert on Cutie Marks so I'll go with neutrality on this one. We all started going into the town, and got greeted by seriously weird smiles. It was seriously unnerving and Pinkie Pie went so far as to say "I know smiles, and those smiles? They're just not right!"

"Well you've certainly come to the right place for friendship."

Oh brother, more of this friendship stuff. I think I'm slowly starting to hate the word friendship, since it usually brings with it a horribly long lecture or speech about how friendship is good and so on and so forth which I never paid attention to anyway. So I my brain slowly began detaching itself from reality. All I got afterwards was mostly their motivation for coming... What's the name of this town anyway!? They did the basic introductions, Twilight asked if there was any trouble, they made some weird looks at their Cutie Marks, before taking us to their leader, some pony named Starlight Glimmer.

More introductions, rapid fire talking, talking about where they found out about the village, a long story, Pinkie Pie as usual popping in with a very detailed explanation later... "We're happy to have anypony that wants to experience true friendship for the first time." Starlight Glimmer stressed the true in that sentence, and her eyes dilated. No, not just her pupils, that's normal, but even her irises shrunk. Her fucking irises! Maybe it's some weird pony ability, like de-synchronized independent rotating eyes?

"Say what?" Applejack, as blunt as ever.

Then she went on explaining why the village was special and what those equal signs meant. Then Twilight asked her about all of them having the same Cutie Mark.

"Perhaps it would be easier to understand if I gave you a tour of the village!" Oh no. There was high chance that the ponies would spontaneously break into song. It was quite loud if enough of them sang all at once. And then a drum started playing. Well that was a surefire sign that they were about to sing a song, at least we had some forewarning about this one. I grabbed the radio and placed the earmuffs securely over my ear, I also noticed my crew doing the same. From the sound of the rhythm, it was a marching song. Starlight Glimmer herself wasn't loud enough to be heard with the earmuffs, but when they sang the chorus I could hear it just fine.

"In our town! In our town! We don't have to wait!" Wait? "To find out our destiny is just to emulate!" That's a paradox in of itself. If you emulate somepony that is emulating another pony who is emulating another pony, are you emulating yourself?

They stopped singing, and Starlight Glimmer picked up the song, but again, one pony's voice couldn't be heard over the earmuffs.

"In our town! In our town! We not dare compete! Winning only brings the worst ego-filled conceit." That is fundamentally wrong on so many levels. I took off the headphones and hung it around my neck, trying to listen to Starlight Glimmer's reasoning for this.

"Life is a joy in our town! We're all equal here! No one is superior, and no one shakes in fear!" The rising of the orchestra meant that it was time to put on the headphones again.  Hmm, that equal part seems eerily similar too... Wait, it is quite similar to... Are these ponies... Do I dare say it, Communist!? Let me go through the checklist. Oppressed people? Check. Absolutely no freedom? Check, since they had to drop everything for the song. Absolute order? Check.

"In our town! In our town! We work as a team! You can't have a nightmare! If you can never dream!" Emphasising Teamwork? Check. Cult levels of devotion? Check. What's left is one of the ponies going "For the people!" or "For the motherland!" and I could be seriously doubting if this isn't the Soviet Union. She went on about how it would be better for Equality and so on and so forth. I couldn't care less for it. They went on for a bit longer, all about how equality was superior and we should join them. Tough luck!

"We were all once confused once, blinded by the promise of our Cutie Marks." Seeing parallels to Communism very strongly here...

"When we were sent to this village, we assumed it was to help in some way." Well, as I said, you're assuming that, the map did nothing but tell you to get here— Oh no, I know where this is going. "But, well... It doesn't seem like you need any help." I'll give them the benefit of the doubt... One more sign of Communism, I'm officially labeling them Bolsheviks and blasting them to pieces.

"Have you considered perhaps that you've been sent here so we could help you?" Called it! She went on about how we were free, pushing more propaganda into our faces.

"But there's no reason to be rude!" Yes there is when they're nearly Communists! The only thing left is the fact that the free market still exists! Wait, that's a pretty big part of Communism.

Then they started arguing about the map, Cutie Marks and so on. A random pony walked up behind them and they still won't shut up. Again, leaving themselves open to being exploited for information and future plans.

"My name is Sugar Belle, what can I bring you? We have Muffins." Wait, is that it? Huh. Why do I feel like there should be more? It's this town's Equality, I swear!

Pinkie Pie order a dozen muffins, and they go on discussing about the village, in plain sight this time. Sugar Belle popped in and started to ask about how they were disagreeing a second ago and were now agreeing. It happens a lot, that happens to me and my crew too. She also carried out a tray of burnt looking muffins. Yeah no, not touching that. Twilight then later agreed that they were being watched. Well excuse me oh smart one, but why weren't you just announcing your plans fucking seconds ago!?

Sugar Belle did leave us with one final message. "Come inside before you go, meet me downstairs!"

Of course Twilight decides to immediately trust the random pony in this random village in the middle of random nowhere! A loud clang was emitted from inside the tank somewhere when Twilight decides to now discuss how to go down into some random pony's house. I rubbed my now very sore forehead, for a tank is made out of metal and it is not a soft material. Twilight and her friends walk into the house after faking eating all of the muffins, and she tells me that we should be outside the door, just so it doesn't look suspicious with a tank inside. What? "Did she think I was glued to the tank or something?"

"You are Schmidt!"

"Shut up Gerhard!"

So, Sugar Belle must have told them something, because we were now in the middle of Nowhere, going up to the Nowhere Cave in the of Nowhere Mountain. No it's not actually called that, but I decided it would be better if I had something besides "Village", "Mountain" and "Cave" to name these. What all I heard of Starlight's Glimmer speech as we went up the mountain was basically this, "Blah Blah Blah Vault, Blah Blah Blah Pilgrimage, Blah Blah Blah Cutie Mark Removed." Now we were going into the creepy cave in the middle of Nowhere.

"Behold!" Holy shit. That is a giant fucking vault! "Our Cutie Mark vault!"

"I've never seen anything like it!" Me neither!

"And here, is the staff of Sameness." What. That's the stupidest name I've ever heard! "It was one of the great mage Metalwork's nine enchanted items!" Whee I know fuck all about this.

More propaganda later...

"I'm curious, how did the subject of the vault come up?"

"Uh... some ponies told us they miss their Cutie Marks and—" I... I don't even. Please. Never. Ever. Hire these six espionage-retarded ponies as spies. Please. Multiple clangs were heard as all five of us began smashing our foreheads into the tank itself. "Oops."

"Well, it seems that you inspire all sorts of free thinking don't you?" Oh god. Communist levels of oppression.

"Well, we didn't mean to cause any disruptions to your charming village." Rarity, please, Communists.

"Good. Let's make sure of that, shall we?" Haha! Here comes the betrayal! Why am I happy about this!? Oh yeah!

"I WAS RIGHT! BOLSHEVIKS CONFIRMED!" I stood straight, pronouncing this highly important information to the world! Then my brain kicked in and now I was suddenly worried. Magic is a serious unknown. Also, Nowhereville ponies seemed to come out of the walls to surround us.

"It's a trap!" Thank you for your very insightful comments Twilight. I'm sure that we shall benefit greatly from this analysis.

Twilight teleported into the air and started charging her magic, before being blasted by the Staff of Sameness. She suddenly looked like she was in pain. Wow. Wait what the fuck!?

"Hey! Hello? Deutschland to Twilight's Friends? Help her?" They gave no reaction at all, besides staring at Twilight. Twilight's Cutie Mark was pulled out and was stored in the vault. Twilight had a very strict no shooting ponies rule. She did a whole weird magical pact thing that I had to sign on, which I am too scared of breaking right now, so we couldn't do anything at all. Twilight's friends' Cutie Marks were also pulled out soon enough and were put in the vault. Starlight Glimmer turned the staff on us and did nothing. No seriously, I know, she tried fourteen times. Each attempted bounced off the hull of the tank like a normal shell would, never penetrating the armor. Starlight resolved to just grab Twilight and her friends to bring them back to the village, and we couldn't shoot them, so we couldn't stop them.

"Can't we just shoot the walls down?" Gerhard was thinking of ideas to save them.

"We might hit them with the shell, even then it might compromise the structural integrity."

"How about ramming it?"

"Same reasoning as above, but this time with crushing them."

I hoped that they would make some plan. We couldn't do anything.

I was just as shocked as they were at Fluttershy's converting to Equalism. I'm going to call it Equalism. Sue me. But really, Fluttershy, I'm kinda disappointed in you. Unless... Nah, she's too meek to be a spy. Not to say absolutely horrible at espionage and subtlety. Well, I can't leave without Twilight calling for a train, since we don't have the fuel to go back.

Wait a second, is that Fluttershy from Starlight Glimmer's chimney? Well she's gonna need some help for this. I'm surprised that she's managed to make it out so far, guess she isn't that bad of a spy after all! She's still pretty horrible though, mark my words. The tank gave her a ledge to stand on as she looked into Starlight Glimmer's room, and we both saw something that was a serious twist. She was actually masking her Cutie Mark all along! Dictatorship levels? Stalin.

Tomorrow morning, Starlight Glimmer was exposed by Fluttershy and thus there was an ensuing scramble for the villagers to get their Cutie Marks back. Ignoring Twilight and her friends. If there was one thing to say about that confrontation, Starlight Glimmer is fucking insane. Twilight and her friends' Cutie Marks were in Starlight Glimmer's room, as seen by me and Fluttershy yesterday. The tried to knock down the door, their desperation ignoring our attempts to get them to move out of the way so we could use the tank's long barrel to ram open the door.

"Stand back everypony!" Oh. Now they listen!?

The door was rammed open and we drove the tank in. I was way to angry to seriously care about structural integrity at this point. Oh look she was smart enough to have an escape plan! Wow. The opening was barely big enough, but the tank's weight was able to make the opening slightly bigger. The cave that it was at was big enough, if we scratched a few spots here and there.

Then one of the Nowhereville ponies made a pair of balloon binoculars? What fucking. I can't grammar. I slapped myself, and I'll deal with this later.

"She's headed for the pass! If she gets there, we'll never find her!" Technically impossible, if we surround all possible exits.

"There's a whole network of caves up there! Your Cutie Marks will be gone forever!" Why not just blow up the cave system then? The range would be too far for now, but if we... Yeah, that could work. Rainbow Dash was flapping her wings as hard as possible to try and go faster.

"Oh god. This is hilarious! Hahahaha! Wow, even we're faster than you!" Yes! Sweet revenge! The slow Tiger was faster than them! Yes! We left them in the dust.

They were chasing Starlight Glimmer up to a pass. I told the crew to aim the bridge, hopefully blowing it up to stop her from escaping.

"Fire!" The shell missed the bridge slightly and fell into the abyss below. Bernhard loaded another shell and Albrecht adjusted the angle slightly.

"Fire!" Sadly enough, Starlight Glimmer had just passed the bridge, and when the shell hit, she blasted the bridge with her magic at the same time, causing the bridge to collapse. Well FUCK.

Wait, did he just fucking— I give up, this guy's on Pinkie Pie levels of Logic. And by that I mean absolutely none! Maybe if we aimed for... Yes that could work

"Aim for the mountain! If we can shake some snow, we can block her path!" The turret began to rotate to aim towards one of the snow-filled peaks.

"Fire!" At the same time, the white Nowhereville pony skied down from another mountain, the shell's impact helping to shake loose the snow to stop Starlight Glimmer. She was buried in snow, and the glass jars holding the Cutie Marks of Twilight and her friends were all returned to them. For some inconceivable reason, they were all standing at the snow pile rather than oh I don't know... MAYBE TAKING STARLIGHT GLIMMER IN FOR CUSTODY? Starlight Glimmer got out of the snow pile, and boy did she look pissed. Twilight did get their in time to block the laser that she used, creating a shield to protect the four Nowhereville ponies. And then decided to go on arguing when she could have oh I don't know... ARRESTED HER WITH HER MAGIC? Then she makes a giant bubble that distracts everyone for a while and she gets away.

Then they decide to hold a party. I'll admit that their regaining of their Cutie Marks is a cause for celebration, but... Isn't Starlight Glimmer only going to go off and find some other random village or town to Equalize? And then she'll be back, with a vengeance? I don't get these ponies sometimes. But hey, it's the world I live in now.