Cauliflower, Surfing, and a Billion Bits!
One day, Twilight was sitting on her porch drinking a mocha latté when a meteor fell from the sky. “Oh, my!” she shouted, doing an unintentional spit take. “I think the Moon just fell!” Quickly doing an astronomical analysis by using her astrolabe, her telescope, and a tuna fish sandwich, she confirmed her suspicions. Or at least she thought she did – some tuna fish got on the lens and messed with the results, but she didn’t realize that.
Anyway, Twilight was in a big hurry to go tell Princess Luna what had happened to the Moon. We’ll get back to her later. Meanwhile, Pinkie Pie was participating in a contest in which the contestants were supposed to juggle the most unusual item they could find. Previous contestants had juggled cauliflower, a narwhal, and Flash Sentry (who exclaimed, “Oh, my!” each time he went up in the air); but Pinkie wanted to find something better. Oh, and did I mention that she was participating in the contest as a judge, not a contestant? So, yeah, I guess she didn’t really understand what her position was supposed to entail.
Despite not actually having signed up to compete in the contest, Pinkie was on the lookout for something unusual to juggle. Simultaneously, in another part of Ponyville, Lyra was having a passionate debate about the existence of – you guessed it – the Rorschach test! Applejack thought that it was just a myth, but Lyra wasn’t so sure. “Look at this!” Lyra exclaimed. “I’ve got some of the inkblots right here!” But Applejack was just confused. “Oh, my! Where did you get those pictures of my parents?” she asked. Lyra facepalmed…er…facehoofed.
While Lyra tried to convince Applejack that she hadn’t stolen her family portraits, Spike was investigating a mysterious mystery. For some reason, he had put his top hat, cape, and mustache on. Maybe he thought it was the next-best thing to Pinkie’s detective hat, and since Pinkie was busy, he couldn’t borrow that. Whatever the reason, he was wearing it while he tried to figure out how he had shrunk to the size of an ant. He had just woken up from a pleasant dream about surfboarding with Rarity and Sweetie Belle when he’d noticed that the thimble he had been sewing with the previous evening was bigger than he was. “Oh, my!” he had shouted. Now he had somehow managed to make it outside, but Twilight wasn’t on the porch anymore. “Oh, no!” he exclaimed.
While Spike began to make his way through the town, shouting, “Watch out! I’m down here!” and hoping that he wouldn’t get crushed by somepony’s hoof, Rarity was taking a relaxing vacation. If by relaxing, you mean a totally exhilarating trip hanging hoof on the waves, that is! Yep, Rarity was surfing and having an all-around great time! She was teaching Sweetie Belle as well. Spike hadn’t realized it, but he was developing psychic abilities – his dream was actually taking place in real life, just without him in it. But all wasn’t rosy – as the sisters took a short break to drink mocha lattés, they suddenly realized that a tsunami was headed right for them! “Oh, my!” Rarity and Sweetie Belle shouted in terror.
We’ll come back to Rarity and Sweetie Belle after a while. For now, let’s see what Rainbow Dash was doing at the time. Huh. Oh, my! Rainbow Dash seems to have been totally off the radar. There’s no record of what she was doing at this time at all. But that means…no, she couldn’t have been…is it possible? The only reason that there would be no record of what she was doing is if she was actually [redacted].
I guess we’ll return to Rainbow Dash later and see if we can’t figure out what she was up to. Next up is Derpy, the mailmare with a lazy eye who formerly had an extreme obsession with Thanksgiving. She’d had to go on a twelve-step plan just to be able to stop talking about Thanksgiving for more than five minutes. Her friends had staged an intervention for her about twelve years ago, and now she had finally been clean for an entire year. To celebrate, she was baking premade cookie dough with her best friend, whose name was [censored]. Yes, you read that correctly. Everypony knew what her name actually was, but it was too impolite to say it among guests. “Oh, my!” Derpy shouted. “Even the narrator can’t say your name for some reason!” Forgetting about the cookies, she suddenly got the urge to go get Princess Celestia to change the meaning of [censored]’s name so that it could be said in polite company.
While they’re doing that, let’s head on over to Fluttershy’s mansion. Yep, you heard me correctly. It was a mansion. She had recently entered the Billion Bits contest by mailing in three proofs-of-purchase from powdered gravy packets, and she had actually won! “Oh, my!” she’d shouted upon winning. “That was highly improbable!” Then she’d immediately turned into the most spoiled pony in all of Equestria and bought herself a mansion larger than Canterlot itself, covered with a huge dome that kept everypony else out. She had also stationed sixty-eight different guards outside (including Flash Sentry, who was out “sick” today, but that was really just an excuse to let him be juggled in the contest) to severely punish anypony who tried to break in. So now that you know that backstory, I suppose you’re probably wondering what she was doing now? Just maniacally cackling as she poured molten lava into her bathtub, of course.
I think we should leave her to it at the moment. I have the strangest feeling that she knows I’m talking about her… Anyway, you might be wondering why I’ve only told you snippets of each story before moving on to another. Do you really have no faith in me, your trusty narrator? I hope so, since you’ll have to wait until the next chapter to find out what happens next!
