Manehatten Blues

When the mass hysteria finally died down, Princess Celestia and her sister Luna were able to come to turns with the United Nations and allow humans to travel to and from Earth and Equestria so long as their criminal offenses were minor since I was a shut in, my record was pretty much nonexistent, sadly once my mom got wind I wouldn’t go to college let alone stay on the same planet as our family we had a falling out and the last thing I ever did before coming to Equestria was throw my old cell phone into a wood chipper.

It was December 22nd, 2016 when I entered the portal, all the new arrivals were herded into cubicles where a domestic agent would interview us, anyone who came to Equestria to live had their records looked over to see if we were worth the extra space sadly that meant that they would choose our jobs and were we lived since the only job I ever had was cleaning the toilets of doctors who never had a solid bowl movement because they ate the shit food we were told was unhealthy and to make matters worse I was selected to live in a city that resembled New York and for the past six years I’ve cleaned strip clubs while living in an apartment with paper thin walls.

“And how does that make you feel compared to when you cleaned clinics?” the shrink asks.

I turn my head from the window viewing the harbor to the scarlet unicorn who sits in front of a brick wall adorned with medical degrees.

“I spent half of my senior year cleaning the toilets of doctors who don’t know the meaning of health food and now I have to clean toilets of people who don’t even aim strait when they puke their guts out what do you think?”

She scribbles into her notebook… maybe I should have mentioned the glory holes.

“I can’t think for you Michael” she says.

“Of course you can’t, if you did I’d be talking to you wearing a straitjacket”

“There is no need for that kind thinking” she complains.

“Then why am I here?!” I shout she doesn’t flinch.

“The judge ordered you to; remember I can say the word and you WILL spend our sessions in a strait jacket but seeing as how relaxed you are when you stare at the harbor, it would be in your best interest to cooperate.”

“I think it’s time I looked for a new job” I sigh looking back out the window.

“You’ve made some progress but I’m afraid we are out of time I’ll see you next week” the shrink says, she walks to the door and opens it.

“Of course we are” I mumble and walk out of the office, down four flights of stairs then into the crowded frigid streets of lower

Manehatten, I reach into my trench coat, and put a cigarette in my mouth.

FLINK! FLINK! FLINK!

“I need to remember to refill this thing.”  I grumble putting the lighter back into the right front pocket of my jeans.

“Need a light?” a woman asks holding up a grenade then pressing down on the lever igniting a bright green flame.

“You’re Highness” I mumble sticking the cigarette into the flame then look into the scolding, emerald, serpentine eyes of an onyx skinned bugmare.

“You know how much I hate being reminded of my failures, Mikey” she growls as she puts the grenade into a fur coat a Russian mob wife would wear.

“And you know how much I hate being called ‘Mikey’… plus if you didn’t want to be called ‘You’re Highness’ you should have picked a different stage name Chrys”

I inhale as much smoke into my lungs before she punches me in the gut.

“I hate that name too” she whispers.

“Do you have the money?” I gag as a large bag of gold coins falls at my feet.

“Next time you quit a job, don’t cry to the boss when you do it” Chrysalis scolds before walking off.

“We still meeting up later?” I shout putting the bits into my jacket.

Of course we are her voice echoes in my head… I shrug and walk to the subways when out of the endless drone of car horns, a race engine revs.

“Oi! Human!” someone shouts “How much?”

“I’m no fucking whore!” I shout turning to see gold 1969 Camaro with a she-Griffon at the wheel “Hello, Gilda”

“Dumbass” she growls opening the passenger door.

“Didn’t your parents ever tell you about getting into cars with strangers?” She laughs as I take put the seat belt on and push the car lighter.

“No, they told me about not copying the stuff I saw in video games at school.” I mumble putting two cigarettes in my mouth.

“You know that shit’s bad for you right?” Gilda chuckles.

“And how much pot do you smoke in a day?” I growl “Besides since the doctors here use magic, they can cure cancer as soon as it shows up” the lighter pops up; I light the cigarettes and offer one to Gilda.

“So did you finally accept Chrys’s offer?” Gilda asks taking the cigarette.

“No, she gave me my severance check”

“Hard to believe she owns the joint AND dances in it”

“A moralist? Gilda I never expected-“before I can finish, a talon strikes across my sleeve.

“Don’t think I won’t throw you out of a moving car” She growls.

“At least I’m moving up in the world” I sigh.

“Does that mean you can work for me now?” she asks

“Don’t know, will you let me fix the radio?” I mumble.

“No one touches my golden child” she growls.

After three hours in traffic, we finally reach our apartment complex; it looks like many of the tall twelve floor buildings compacted together likes sardines with chipping paint and corroding stonework complete with an underground garage. We get out of the car and enter the elevator, I press the third floor button and the elevator trembles and fills the outside with a rusty screech. When the rust bucket finally stops I walk to the last door to the right, I put my key in the door when I realize Gilda followed me.

“Aren’t you going to invite me in?” she smirks

Rule one on dealing with unwanted Griffon houseguests: Saying no results in a slow and painful death.

“Sure come in, hang your jacket and wipe your paws” I answer opening the door.

My apartment consists of the necessities of anyone living in a city might need, two bedrooms, one bathroom, and a main room that acts as a doorway to the kitchen complete with a flat screen T.V., an Xbox 360 and PS2 each accompanied with alphabetized shelves of their respected games, the difference between my apartment and others, is the fact that I replaced all the white fluorescent lights with red ones.

“You planning an orgy or something?” Gilda asks raiding the fridge as I take off my sunglasses and sit on the couch.

“Helps me see in the dark” I sigh unlacing my boots and placing them under the coffee table.

“Griffins and cat people can see in the dark dumbass, you can try all you want but the only way a human can see in the dark is with those clunky goggles you give your military. Why is your fridge empty? The only thing in here is an endless supply of rum, leftover pizza, plastic trays of fruit, and they’re all are starting to mold.”

“Well I have been in the pen for awhile.” I mumble as she jumps onto the couch, places her footpaws onto the coffee table takes a swig of rum then hands me the bottle.

“It’s been two years.” Gilda states, the demeanor of a schoolyard bully turning into a concerned older sister.

“Who was counting?” I ask giving the bottle back to Gilda.

“All of us, even that mailmare you live next to” she answers corking the bottle and putting it back into the fridge.

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! I look down at my watch 8:30:21p

“Are you going to-“I look towards Gilda in time to see the door slam shut and the fridge left open.

“Guess we’re walking.” I mumble to myself.

I put my boots back on, place the bits into a hallowed out wall, throw all the food into the trash compactor then close the fridge, walk into the hall and knock on door 3c.  The door opens and a grey cross-eyed Pegasus gasps at me.

“Hello, Goldie” I chuckle.

“I hate that name a lot more than the other one.” She growls slamming the door behind her then locking it.

“Alright Ditzy-“I sigh “Let’s hurry before they decide to stick us with the tab”