The Rift

HOLY MACARONI!

It took me so long to update! I'm so ashamed!

This Chapter is so fucking long! And it's cut short from what I have first planned! If this chapter had actually covered everything I wanted it to cover, it would have been 70 million words long and would only be ready when Season 5 of MLP had ended!

So, yeah... this was supposed to be the only "Cutie Mark Crusaders Chapter" which would have followed the background adventures of those three fillies (and whoever tagged along) from where we last have seen them until near the end of the fic proper. But, now, I'm gonna have to write more Crusaders chapters to tell their side of the story in full... unless you don't think I should, I mean, if you don't like this chapter.

Chapter 14 will go back to the protagonists' point of view. It will not take as long! I promise!

In other news, Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.: I came for Phil Coulson. I stayed for Jemma Simmons.

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS, YAY!

Somewhere, just inside the limits of Sweet Apple Acres, there was a tree. But it wasn't any tree for that tree housed a tree house. And not just any tree house either! But the headquarters of what is like the greatest secret club like ever!

The history of the Cutie Mark Crusaders organization is a short but glorious one. Its foundation took place in a social event sponsored by local socialite Diamond Tiara, where future CMC founder and CEO Applebloom felt herself undervalued thanks to her symbolic gluteal imagery insufficiency. That's when she met and befriended her future business partners Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo who suffered the same plight. Together, the three associates decided to create a club that could serve as a safe harbor where little fillies like themselves could play and search for their true calling without having to face teasing and discrimination.

And so, the Teen Brigade was born!

I mean, the Cutie Mark Crusaders were born!

The Crusaders' initial mission statement was to welcome any and every pony without a Cutie Mark, and help them find their special talent, so they can finally acquire their Cutie Marks. Thanks to this, the CMC was the only society of any kind where its members' main objective is to try and do anything and everything they can to NOT be eligible as part of that society anymore. (Not counting Alcoholics Anonymous, Weight Watchers, etc.)

While the organization is still young, the future reserves great things for the three young entrepreneurs. Only a few months from now, the Crusaders would have a fateful meeting with one Babs Seed, who went from potential associate to forceful detractor of the organization to potential associate again! After a successful business meeting, the three founders stroke a deal with Ms. Seed which made her responsible for franchising the CMC brand in Manehattan.

In a short few years time, Applebloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo would leave the Crusaders after they gained their Cutie Marks. Later, already as adults, seeing how their little club had helped them during that awkward, difficult phase of their lives, the three friends decided to reopen their Tree House Base to welcome any fillies and colts who wished to have a place where they could learn more about how they can discover their special talents, in an initiative made in association with the school and Ms. Babs Seed who the founders got in contact again.

The renewed Crusaders Initiative would present and guide young fillies and colts through many different activities, from cooking to sewing to rappelling to surfing, so they could test their skills and, with any luck, discover their talent and gain their Cutie Marks. For each new activity the young ponies would try, they would receive a 'fake' custom Cutie Mark so they can remember what they already learned and tried. Those fake Cutie Marks would be sewn into a ceremonial sash, not unlike how humans do in their 'Boy/Girl Scouts' groups.

The Cutie Mark Crusaders would invite anypony who had already gained their Cutie Marks to either tell their stories to the young members or take a part-time volunteer job as an instructor. As the years would go by, former members who gained their Marks thanks to the CMC would return to the organization and its branches as teachers so they could pass their lessons forward. Not long after that, more ponies, mares and stallions, old and young, would ask to join (or rejoin) the Cutie Mark Crusaders despite already having Cutie Marks themselves just so they could learn more. In response, the CMC changed its policies to accept those and anypony who desired to attend their many courses to expand and improve their practical skills. This decision was considered a social breakthrough and helped destroy one of the most long-lasting taboos of pony society: Whether ponies could master abilities that transcended those defined by its Cutie Marks.

In 20 years time, the CMC would end up as the Fifth most recognizable brand in all of Equestria, losing only to PieCo. International - Party Arrangement and Supplies; Rarity Designs; S.A.D.D.L.E.; and Derpy/Dash Advanced Computer Systems.

50 years after its inception, the Cutie Mark Crusaders would win the Cadence Award for Lifelong Achievements in the Betterment of Equestria and Ponykind. Fluttershy, who won the previous year's award for her contribution in the foundation and maintenance of the Everfree Forest Wildlife Sanctuary, presented the award to Applebloom who accepted it in the name of her friends and 'everypony out there who has a dream in their hearts but still no Marks in their flanks. Keep dreaming. Keep trying. Dreams do come true'. During her speech, she told the, by that time, already legendary story of how she and her two best friends finally got their Cutie Marks…

But this is a story for another time.

Back to that tree house, present time, before all that headcanon crap I just made up happened, the Crusaders bravely hid under their conference table, which is actually a crate not a table.

As they tremble valiantly, our three heroes whisper to each other.

"How long we'll have to stay here?" Sweetie Belle asks "Do you girls think it's already safe to get out?"

"I'm not even sure if it's safe to stay in!" Scootaloo replied

"I'm pretty sure Pinkie doesn't know about our clubhouse…" Applebloom says

"But Applejack does!" Scootaloo said "And she and Pinkie are close friends! What if she told her?"

"Scootaloo is right! Pinkie is coming to kill us and turns us into cupcakes! THE CLUBHOUSE IS NOT SAFE!" Sweetie Belle screams, flipping the crate off their heads "WE NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE!" she then proceeds to run towards the exit.

"No, wait! Wait just a fucking minute" Applebloom shouted, which made Sweet Belle stop on her tracks and turn quizzically at her "Why are we running? Why are we hiding? What are we so scared of? Pinkie is not chasing us! She's not gonna turn us into cupcakes! Where did this whole stupid cupcakes thing came from, anyway?"

"Well… it was Scootaloo who said it…" Sweetie Belle says

"Yeah, but we both agreed it was a ridiculous idea!" Applebloom turns to Scootaloo "And ya meant it as a joke, didn't ya?"

"Well, yeah… but then…"

"Then what?"

"Then she asked us about hacksaws!" Scootaloo replied

"So? That doesn't mean anything! I mean, if I asked ya about a hammer, do ya think I just want to bludgeon ya with it?" Applebloom said "I don't know, girls… I think we really overreacted out there"

"But… even if she didn't want to kill us, Pinkie's still a criminal!" Sweetie Belle said "You said it yourself"

"Uh… I don't know…" Applebloom muses "Maybe she's innocent"

"Innocent?" Sweetie Belle asks

"Yeah, I mean, she didn't chase us after we ran away" Applebloom says "In fact, she seemed to just want to talk to us, to explain something… It just doesn't strike me as something somepony who's guilty would do"

"But you said she confessed to be a fugitive!" Sweetie Belle insists

"Yes, she confessed to being a fugitive. She didn't confess to being guilty" Applebloom pointed out "I mean, is that what somepony guilty would do? Just confess to Mr. & Mrs. Cake like that? And then just leave Sugar Cube Corner without making sure they won't tell anypony? I'm telling ya, girls, the more I think about it the less I think she's guilty"

"Then why the hay is she a fugitive?" Sweetie Belle asked, slightly irritated

"She got framed!" Scootaloo concludes

"Framed?" Sweetie Belle asks

"Yes! Scootaloo is right! Pinkie was framed!" Applebloom agrees "It's the only thing that makes sense!"

"But why would anypony frame Pinkie?" Sweetie Belle asked, not entirely convinced

"Maybe Spruce had enemies…" Applebloom starts before being interrupted by Scootaloo

"Wait, Spruce?" Scootaloo asks "Who's Spruce?"

"Oh, right, I forgot" Applebloom said "That's Pinkie's real name. I guess she had to change it so whoever framed her couldn't find her. If they hated her enough to try to frame her is not much of a stretch to think they'll try to find her again and kill her!"

"Or… maybe whoever framed her didn't hate her at all!" Scootaloo chimed in "Maybe Pink… I mean, Spruce was just some random pony they picked by chance to receive the blame for their crimes so they could get away with them"

"Gosh! Yer right, Scootaloo!" Applebloom said "Poor Spruce!"

"Or maybe she's playing with us!" Sweetie Belle says "Maybe all this acting all innocent thing is just that, an act! Maybe she's really guilty! I don't think we should just assume her innocence so fast! We barely knew her before we found out that we don't know her at all!"

"Even if she's guilty, maybe it's not an act" Applebloom suggested "Maybe she truly regrets whatever it is that she did and is trying to make up for it"

"Ouch! All these 'ifs' and 'maybes' are making my head hurt!" Scootaloo said

"Well, 'maybes' and 'ifs' is all we have, isn't it?" Sweetie Belle said "Just sitting here with a bunch of suppositions and no certainties…"

"Sweetie Belle is right!" Applebloom exclaimed

"Of course I am" Sweetie Belle said and then asked "I'm right about what?"

"We need to investigate!" Applebloom answered

"We do?" Sweetie Belle asked

"But of course!" Applebloom replied "Whether Spruce is guilty or not, whether she was framed or not, whether her name is Spruce or Pinkie, we're not gonna find out if we stay here hiding! We need to go out there and find some answers!"

"Are you out of your mind?!" Scootaloo said

"Why? What's the matter?"

"What's the matter?! Applebloom! We're just three little fillies against possible criminals, thieves, murderers, framers, and cannibals!" Scootaloo remarked "We shouldn't mess with this stuff! I'd say we better stay here, mind our own business and, like, never get near Pinkie again"

"What's the problem, Scootaloo? Getting cold hooves?" Sweetie Belle teased "Not surprising coming from a chicken. Bawk, bawk"

"I'm not a chicken!" Scootaloo shouted, irritated "You're the one who were scared as hay just a few minutes ago! It's just… it's just that I don't think this whole thing concern us… that's all…"

"And since when has that stopped us?" Sweetie Belle asked

"Oh, c'mon, Scootaloo!" Applebloom said "Aren't ya just a little bit curious? Besides, do ya really think we should just ignore all of this?"

"I just think we should, I don't know, just tell a responsible adult and let them deal with it…"

"Yeah, like they would listen to us…" Sweetie Belle grumbles to herself

"Oh, yeah?" Applebloom asked with a smirk "Is that what Rainbow Dash would do? Just tell somepony else and trot away?"

"Of course not!" Scootaloo answered "Rainbow Dash would go to the bottom of this mystery and fuck it in the butt!"

Friendly Reminder: The Crusaders (and everypony who they told their 'new word' to) still think that 'fuck' is, among other things, just another world for 'buck'.

"So, don't ya wanna be like her?" Applebloom asks

"I… I'm not sure…" Scootaloo said, warming up a little to the idea

"C'mon! It will be fun!" Applebloom said "Besides, who knows, if we solve this mystery and if we are really good at it, we may get our Cutie Marks as Private Investigators!"

"You're right!" Sweetie Belle smiled

"Why didn't you say that in the first place?" Scootaloo said, now fully on board

"So, are ya girls in?" Applebloom asks

"Fuck yes!" Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle answer at the same time

"Ok, then! Let's go!" Applebloom smiled

"Cutie Mark Crusaders, Private Investigators, Yay!" the Crusaders gave their three-hooves-up salute

"Wait…" Applebloom says "We can't be Private Investigators"

"Why not?" Sweetie Belle asked

"Because nopony hired us!" Applebloom explains

"Darn, you're right" Scootaloo says, disappointed "Wait! I know! We can be Investigative Reporters!"

"Don't we need to be hired by a newspaper for that?" Sweetie Belle asked

"Not if we're freelancers!" Scootaloo said

"Alright! Let's do it!" Applebloom exclaimed

"Cutie Mark Crusaders, Freelance Investigative Reporters, Yay!" the three cheered

After doing their 'three-way high hoof', the three friends just stood still, smiling at each other for a couple of minutes…

"Uh…" Sweetie Belle finally says

"Yes?" Applebloom replied

"What do we do now?" Sweetie Belle asks

"Hmm…" Applebloom puts her hoof on her chin, thoughtful "I… have no idea. How do we start an investigation?"

"We look for clues!" Scootaloo said

"We buy a pipe and a magnifying glass!" Sweetie Belle said

"No, that's for detectives. We're reporters!" Scootaloo pointed out "We need fedoras"

"Yeah, Scootaloo is right" Applebloom said

"About the fedoras?" Sweetie Belle asked

"No! I mean, yeah, that too, but I was talkin' about the clues!" Applebloom said "We need to find clues"

"Then what are we waiting for?" Scootaloo said "Let's do it!"

And so, they start their investigation. They look all over the clubhouse for clues. They look under the table (crate). They look behind the posters and drawings nailed on the wall. They look under their hooves to see if they didn't step on some. They look under the carpet. They look under some loose boards on the floor. They don't find any clues. But they do find an old dirty chewing gum which Scootaloo chews despite her friends' protests…

"THIS IS NOT GOIN' ANYWHERE!" Applebloom finally shouts, frustrated "Why are we even searchin' for clues here?! There ain't any clues here!"

"Well" Sweetie Belle says "Where can we find clues then?"

"I DON'T KNOW!" Applebloom admits "I… oh, let's face it, girls… we have no idea what we're doin'…" she lowers her head in defeat

"Yeah… I guess we're not cut out to be investigative reporters…" Sweetie Belle says, sad "We can say goodbye to those Cutie Marks now…"

"Fuck no!" Scootaloo shouts, spitting her gum out "C'mon, girls! We can't give up when we didn't even start! So, we don't know how to do the first step? Let's find somepony who does!"

Applebloom raises her head. She stares at Scootaloo, thinking it over. After a few seconds, she smiles and says "Alright! Let's not give up! We just need somepony who can tell us how to do an investigation. C'mon, girls! Think of somepony who's smarter than us!"

The three fillies begin to think… Who's the smartest pony in town?

"I GOT IT!" the three say at the same time

"Rarity!" Sweetie Belle said

"Applejack!" Applebloom said

"Rainbow Dash!" Scootaloo said

The Crusaders then stare at each other.

"Rainbow Dash is a lot smarter than…" Scootaloo begins to argue

"Rainbow Dash knows nothing!" Sweetie Belle interrupts "Rarity is much more refined and intelligent!"

"You take that back!" Scootaloo says, angry "Rarity is just a stuck-up, princess wannabe!"

Sweetie Belle gasps "You did not just… Rainbow Dash is stupid!"

"No, Rarity is!"Scootaloo replies

"Nu-uh" Sweetie Belle says

"Yeah-huh" Scootaloo replies

"Nu-uh"

"Yeah-huh"

"Nu-uh"

"Yeah-huh"

"Girls, girls, let's stop fightin'" Applebloom says "We ain't gettin' anywhere! Besides, we all know Applejack is smarter than everypony else"

Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle turn to Applebloom "No, she's not!" they say

"Yes, she is" Applebloom replies

"Nu-uh" Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle both say

"Yeah-huh" Applebloom says

"Nu-uh"

"Yeah-huh"

"Nu-uh"

"Yeah-huh"

"Nu—" Sweetie Belle starts

"You two only picked Applejack and Rarity because they're your sisters!" Scootaloo yelled

"Oh, yeah?" Sweetie Belle said "Well, you only picked Rainbow Dash because she's your idol!"

"May be" Scootaloo crossed her hooves "But I'm not related to her. So my opinion is more valid than yours"

"Why, you…" Sweetie Belle begins to get angry

"No, wait" Applebloom says "Scootaloo is right…"

"Ha! I win!" Scootaloo celebrated "Now let's go find Rainbow Dash!"

"Not about that, ya dummy!" Applebloom said, irritated "Yer right that we picked our choices based on who we liked the most, not on who was better. If we want to become journalists, we need to focus on facts, not in opinions!"

Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle exchange guilty looks.

"You're right…" Sweetie Belle says

"Sorry" Scootaloo apologizes

"Never mind, girls, it's fine…" Applebloom says "Now, let's think, seriously this time, who's the brainiest, smartest pony we know?"

"Smartest pony we know… smartest pony we know…" They all whisper as if chanting a mantra until their faces all light up with an epiphany "I KNOW!" they exclaim at the same time

"Twilight!" Applebloom said

"Twilight!" Sweetie Belle said

"Rainbow D… Twilight!" Scootaloo said

"Alright! So, we all agree that Twilight is the pony we're lookin' for, right?" Applebloom asks. They nod "Then let's go to the library!"

"CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS, YAY!"

A few minutes later, at the library…

Spike is returning the books on the shelves after separating them in three piles: Fiction, Non-Fiction, and Textbooks. Why did they even take the Fiction books out of the shelves is beyond him. Weren't they making a research about magic and the Elements of Harmony? How would the Daring Do novels (which he remembers Stark calling 'a cheap Lara Croft knockoff' whatever that means) help them achieve that?

He would probably keep grumbling to himself had he not heard the sound of steps entering the library…

"Back so soon, Fluttershy? Why, you didn't…" Spike stops once he turns around and sees the Crusaders "Oh, sorry. I thought you girls were Fluttershy"

"We're lookin' for Twilight" Applebloom said "Do ya know where she is?"

"I… uh…" Spike scratched the back of his head "She… she's not here…"

"Well, do ya know where she is?" Applebloom asks again, raising an eyebrow

"Well, uh… she's… she's in another dimension?" Spike replies with a nervous smile

The Crusaders frown at him.

"They never take us seriously…" Sweetie Belle murmurs

"Look, if you don't know where she is, just say it" Scootaloo said

"But it's true! I…" Spike tries to explain

"Never mind" Applebloom says "Let's go, girls. We'll think of something else…"

"Wait! I…" Spike sighs "She's in the hospital"

"The hospital?!" Applebloom turns back "Why? What happened?"

"She broke a leg" Spike says "Long story"

"Broke a leg?" Sweetie Belle said "That means good luck!"

"Okay, girls" Applebloom said to her friends "Let's go to the hospital!"

"Wait! She's there but she's not herse…" Spike begins to say but the Crusaders had already left "Oh, well…" he shrugs and proceeds to put Crime & Furnishment back on the shelf.

At the Hospital Reception…

Nurse Redheart is organizing the patients' clipboards when she sees the three young fillies moving towards her.

"Hello, girls" Nurse Redheart smiled "Is there anything I can help you with?"

"We're lookin' for Twilight" Applebloom said "Spike said she was here"

Redheart's smile disappears "Oh… her" she says with a slight hint of contempt in her voice "Ms. Sparkle is currently on a private room receiving care for her bone fracture and other minor injuries… despite her incessant protests" she says the last few words under her breath

"Can we see her?" Applebloom asks "It's important"

"I… guess I can allow some visitors" Nurse Redheart answers "I must warn you, though, that her erratic behavior may difficult your communication with her"

"Erratic behavior?" Applebloom asks

"She's having violent outbursts, suffering from delusions, and, I suspect, developing a case of dissociative identity disorder" Redheart said "I wanted to put her on the Psychiatric Ward, but her friend, Rarity, insisted that…"

"What the hay is 'disochative' identity disorder?" Scootaloo whispered to Applebloom while Redheart kept talking

"I dunno" Applebloom answered "I hope it's not serious"

"…worst patient I've ever had, it pains me to say" Nurse Redheart concludes as they approach a door "This is her room" she says and opens the door "Ms. Sparkle, you have visi…"

CRASH!

Nurse Redheart is interrupted by a plate of hospital food being thrown against the wall.

"TAKE THIS REPULSIVE DISH OFF MY SIGHTS! IT OFFENDS MY SENSES!" Twilight shouts from her bed "Did you scrap the dirt of the deepest crevice of Niflheim and tried to pass it for aliment?"

"Ms. Sparkle!" Nurse Redheart says while protecting the surprised Crusaders behind her back

"You!" Twilight points at Redheart "You are the one responsible for this loathsome meal! Is with such contempt that you treat your ill?"

"Ms. Sparkle, frankly" Redheart frowns "I know plenty of ponies dislike hospital food but it can hardly count as mistreatment! You haven't eaten ever since you were admitted here! You need to eat!"

"I refuse to ingest any more of this unpalatable grub!" Twilight said with disgust "Verily, the excrements of a Bilgesnipe are more appetizing!"

"Why is Twilight talking funny?" Sweetie Belle whispered to the others

"What are you talking about?" Scootaloo whispered back "She always talked funny"

"Yeah, but she's talking… funnier" Sweetie Belle says

"Maybe it's because of that dis… disservi… dissasem… disarm… That identity thing" Applebloom replies

"Yeah" Scootaloo said "Or maybe she hit that big head of hers" she gives a small laugh

"Or maybe her brain broke down after reading so many books" Sweetie Belle suggests

They both start to giggle

"Girls, c'mon, that's not nice" Applebloom whispered "This could be serious"

"Sorry" they said, still laughing

"Cease treating me as an infant!" Twilight barked to Nurse Redheart "I'm a prince and you're testing my patience!"

"I'm testing your patience?!" Redheart asked, getting increasingly more irritated "I will stop treating you like a child the moment you stop acting like one! And don't think that just because you are Celestia's protégée that I'll treat you any different than my other patients, little Princess"

"You dare call me princess?" Twilight got angrier "The Son of Odin will not tolerate this mockery!"

"Mockery?! I was doing you a favor calling you a princess!" Nurse Redheart said, leaving her bedside manner training behind "I don't even know why I'm even indulging you in your delusions! You're not yet a princess, Twilight! If you keep insisting in that fantasy and in your violent temper tantrums I'll have no choice but to relocate you to a padded room! You understand me?"

"I care not for your idle threats, nefarious witch!" Twilight said

"Ms. Sparkle!" Nurse Redheart yelled, indignant "I will not tolerate this kind of personal attacks! I—What the hay are you doing?!"

Twilight was getting out of her bed.

"I will not remain inside this chamber of tortures while my friends face peril without me!"

"Don't even think about it! You are not discharged!" Redheart said in an authoritative tone "You will only cause further injuries to your leg! You need to rest! Go back to your bed now!"

"I say thee nay!" Twilight said

"Ok, that's it! Excuse me, girls" Nurse Redheart says, as she opens the door of the room and yells at the hall "We have a code 6-1-6 on Room 42! Bring the straitjacket!"

"Straitjacket?!" the Crusaders exchanged curious looks

Before any of them could say another thing, two male nurses arrived in the room in response of the code 6-1-6 (Uncooperative Patient in Need of Restraint) carrying a straitjacket on their hooves, and trying to put it on Twilight.

"Unhand me, quadruped beasts!" Twilight roared "I wish to leave this accursed realm!"

"This is for your own good, Ms. Sparkle" Nurse Redheart said calmly but sternly "For your safety and the safety of others"

With difficulty, the nurses finally manage to put the straitjacket on Twilight and, with a little more struggle, they lay her on a stretcher and proceed to relocate her to a padded room.

"You cannot do this to the Prince of Asgard!" Twilight shouted "I demand you to release me this instant!"

"You tell them!" a white/grey haired blue pony cheered from her padded room before barking

"Such a shame" Nurse Redheart gave a sad sigh, shaking her head as she and the Crusaders stand on the hall watching Twilight being dragged to her new room shouting hysterical protests "She had such a bright future ahead of her…"

"Gosh, Twilight went crazy!" Applebloom said

"Cool!" Scootaloo said

"What are we going to do now?" Sweetie Belle asks

"Well, we can't count on Twilight's help anymore…" Applebloom begins to think "…so, we need to talk with the second smartest pony we know…"

Already knowing the drill, Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle join Applebloom in her task of figuring out who exactly is the second smartest pony they know. The faces of the three of them light up at the same time.

"Ms. Cheerilee!" they say in chorus

"Shush!" Nurse Redheart tells them

"Sorry" Applebloom whispers an apology "Well, girls, it's settled then. We're off to see Ms. Cheerilee"

"Then what are we waiting for?" Sweetie Belle says

"Let's go!" Scootaloo says

"CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS, YAY!" they make their high-hoof salute

"Shush!" Nurse Redheart says again, more harshly this time

"cutie mark crusaders, yay" they whisper with a low-hoof salute

Cheerilee was the only teacher in the only school in Ponyville. She always wanted to be a teacher, but when she received her Cutie Mark she knew she was doomed to become a gardener. Desperately trying to keep her dream alive, Cheerilee made up some bullshit about the flowers on her flank being a metaphor for students. Because her parents were dumb as fuck, they bought it. She keeps the pretense to this day, so she can fulfill her dream of teaching young colts and fillies without fearing persecution. But, one day, she hopes to teach her students the most important lesson of all: that they are free to choose their destiny. That they can ignore their Cutie Marks. That if they want to be an artist even though their special talent is accounting, they can! No more obsolete dogmas of a close-minded society! No more labels! No more Cutie Marks!

Viva La Revolución!

KNOCK KNOCK

Who could it be? Cheerilee thinks as she goes to answer her door

"Oh, hi girls!" Cheerilee greets the Crusaders "How do you know where I liv—I mean, what brings you three here?"

"Hi, Ms. Cheerilee" Applebloom greeted back "We're in an important mission and we need ya help!"

Cheerilee chuckles and rolls her eyes "Of course you are. Another quest for your Cutie Marks, I presume?" she winks at them

"The correct term is 'crusade'" Sweetie Belle said

"No. I mean, yeah, kind of" Applebloom answers Cheerilee "But this is much more important than our Cutie Marks! We're in the middle of an investigation and…"

"Well, we're not really in the middle of an investigation…" Sweetie Belle said

"Yeah, we haven't even started it yet" Scootaloo agrees

"…and that's why we need ya!" Applebloom concludes "We don't know how to start an investigation and yer the smartest pony we know! Can ya help us?"

Cheerilee smiles, flattered for being considered the smartest pony they know "Well, I'll see what I can do" she laughs "What is this investigation about?"

"Uh… wait a sec" Applebloom says and then turns to her friends, as they whisper among themselves "I'm sorry, but we can't disclose that information" Applebloom finally says to Cheerilee

"Yeah, It's Top Secret" Sweetie Belle says

"We can't reveal what we have without verifying its… uh… what's the word… without checking how true it is" Scootaloo says

"Yeah, if word gets out, and it turns out to not be true, the gossip could harm the ponies involved" Sweetie Belle continued

"It's basic journalism ethics" Scootaloo concludes

"And you probably wouldn't believe us anyway" Sweetie Belle added

Cheerilee covers her mouth, trying not to chuckle. Oh, these girls and their little adventures. They look so cute when they're trying to be serious.

"Oh, well, I understand that" Cheerilee smiled "But how can I help the little detectives…"

"Reporters" Scootaloo corrected

"Sorry, reporters" Cheerilee smiled "if they won't tell me what this is all about?"

"Well, there's one thing that we may be able to tell ya…" Applebloom motions for Cheerilee to get closer. Cheerilee rolls her eyes, amused, and lowers her head so Applebloom can whisper in her ear "There's somepony in town who may or may not be who she say she is"

"Oh, really?" Cheerilee indulges them "An impostor, huh?"

"Uh... not really..." Applebloom says "It's more like... uh... it's more like..."

"It's more like if somepony you've known your entire life turned out to be lying about who she was the entire time"

"Exactly" Applebloom says "Thanks, Sweetie Belle"

"I see" Cheerilee says "So you're trying to discover this mysterious pony's true identity?"

"Oh, no, we already know that" Sweetie Belle says "It's Spruce"

"Spruce?" Cheerilee asks

"Sweetie Belle!" Applebloom shouted "That was classified information!"

"Oops, sorry" Sweetie Belle apologized "I let it slip"

"Ok, so if you already know who she is" Cheerilee said, finding everything very amusing "What exactly are you trying to find out?"

"You need to find out what she is" Applebloom answered "What is she running for? What did she do? Is she innocent? Was she framed? If so, by whom? And why? Those are questions that need to be answered!"

Cheerilee covered her mouth with her hoof and giggled "Well, well, well, you girls seem to be taking this very seriously"

"Thanks!" the three smiled

"But where do we find the answers?" Applebloom asked

"Well, have you tried asking your suspect?" Cheerilee said "You know, straight from the source?"

"What?! No!" Scootaloo says

"We can't do that!" Sweetie Belle adds "She'd kill us if she knows we know!"

"We don't know that!" Applebloom reprimanded Sweetie Belle "We don't know anything really, but it may not be a good idea to talk to her… at least not until we know what we are gettin' ourselves in…"

"Well, that's very sensible, girls…" Cheerilee began to get worried. This is starting to sound serious "…don't think you should take this to a responsible adult?"

"We're talking to you, aren't we?" Scootaloo pointed out

"We tried to talkin' to Twilight but she's a little wacko right now" Applebloom said

"Well, we could talk to the Cakes" Sweetie Belle suggested "They already know about Spruce and may know something that we don't"

"Hey, that's a great idea, Sweetie Belle!" Applebloom compliments her friend who glows with pride

"The Cakes? You mean the owners of Sugar Cube Corner?" Cheerilee said "They know about 'Spruce'?"

"Yeah, Applebloom said that Pinkie confessed everything to them" Sweetie Belle said

"SWEETIE BELLE!" Applebloom and Scootaloo yelled

"Oops" Sweetie Belle apologized

"Wait, Pinkie?" Cheerilee asked "Pinkie Pie is your suspect?"

"Uh… yeah" Applebloom admits "Please, Ms. Cheerilee, don't tell anypony! We don't want this to get out of hoof!"

Cheerilee bursts in laughter for the fillies' surprise. Pinkie Pie?! Now she's sure this isn't serious! Pinkie Pie, a criminal? Ha! These girls and their little games…

"Yes, yes, I promise I won't tell anypony…" Cheerilee dries her tears of laughter "So you already know what to do now, yes?"

"Yes, thank ya, Ms. Cheerilee" Applebloom says as she and her friends begin to leave Cheerilee's house

"And do you know what you're going to do afterwards?" Cheerilee asks

The fillies stop in their tracks and look at each other "Gee, we're really lost in this thing, aren't we?" Sweetie Belle says

"So…" Applebloom says, turning back to Cheerilee "Do ya know what we should do afterwards?"

"Well, I have some ideas…" all those detective novels Cheerilee read are about to pay off

"Great!" Applebloom says "Scootaloo, take note!"

"Who do you think I am? Spike?" Scootaloo said "And where am I supposed to take notes? We don't have… OUCH!"

Sweetie Belle had just yanked off one of Scootaloo's feathers "Got a pen! Now we just need a piece of paper!"

"Fuck you!" Scootaloo yelled

Applebloom hits her forehead "We're so stupid! How do we expect to become reporters if we don't even have the necessary materials to do our reportin'?"

"Easy, girls, easy. Don't worry, I have a notebook to spare" Cheerilee said, taking a notebook from a drawer and giving it to the Crusaders.

"Thanks, Ms. Cheerilee" Applebloom said, handing (hoofing?) the notebook to Sweetie Belle "Okay, Sweetie Belle, take note! First: Go to Sugar Cube Corner and talk to the Cakes. Second: Buy lots of paper and pens"

"And fedoras!" Scootaloo adds "Don't forget the fedoras!"

"Ok, ok" Sweetie Belle said, taking note

Cheerilee chuckled "Ok, girls, are you ready?"

"Yeah, shoot!" Applebloom replied

"Well, after you question the Cakes, you'll need to collect the information and reevaluate your suspects based on said information"

"Right, mm-huh, I see…" Applebloom feigned fascinated comprehension

"With your suspect information updated, you'll need to do some stakeouts"

"Stakeouts?"

"You know, surveillance" Cheerilee says "Follow your suspects around, take some pictures…"

"Oh, right, of course" Applebloom says "Anything else?"

"Well, if you girls succeed on your stakeout, you should have enough leads to follow" Cheerilee said "Afterwards, I believe you are all clever enough to conclude this little investigation on your own" she winks at them to which Applebloom smiles and nods

"Did ya get it all, Sweetie Belle?" Applebloom asked

"…paper and pens" Sweetie Belle said, still writing

"For Celestia's sake! Gimme that, you slowpoke!" Scootaloo said, taking the notebook and the pen out of Sweetie Belle's hooves

Sweetie Belle frowns at Scootaloo who proceeds to write down everything Cheerilee said to the best of her memory.

After she finishes writing, Scootaloo gives a small nod to Applebloom.

"Kay, I guess we got it" Applebloom turns to Cheerilee "Thanks for helpin' us out, Ms. Cheerilee"

"Anytime, girls" Cheerilee smiled "Have fun!"

"Fun? Nopony have time for that!" Scootaloo said "We're in a super-mega-hyper-serious mission!"

"Of course" Cheerilee chuckled "Bye, girls. Good luck!"

"Bye, Ms. Cheerilee" the three said

"Oh, wait! I forgot!" Applebloom turns "There's something else I want to ask ya!"

"Yes?" Cheerilee smiles

"What's sex?" Applebloom asks

Cheerilee's smile fades "I'm sorry, what?"

"What's sex, Ms. Cheerilee?"

Cheerilee stays silent, an inner battle happening in her mind.

Oh, dear, that dreaded question… What to do?

Answer it!

No! Don't do it!

How can you refuse to give solicited knowledge? You're a teacher, darn it!

This is different! They're young and this subject is touchy!

Young? There's no such thing as being too young to be informed about the facts of life! They're gonna learn about this in your class in a couple of years anyway! So, you're giving a lesson a little earlier than predicted, what's the big deal?

This kind of thing can upset ponies! You need consent from their parents before giving this lesson!

Does Scootaloo even have parents?

No, seriously. Their families may get angry if you talk about sex to their children without consulting them.

She knows the word. 'Sex'. She heard it somewhere. Odds are that she already asked a member of her family about it.

And considering that she's asking ME, they didn't answer her. More reason for me not to answer it. It's obvious that her family doesn't think she's ready to know it.

Doesn't matter! This is your duty as an educator! This filly trusts in you to teach her! If you fail her now, she'll lose faith in you. She may struggle to accept any of your lessons later on! You need to do it! Be tactful, comprehensive, and informative. DO IT!

"Well… sex… is…" Cheerilee begins to say

"Yes?" Applebloom says

Cheerilee pauses and grabs something out of her drawer "Here are some coins. Why don't you three go to Sugar Cube Corner and buy yourselves something tasty?" she gives them the coins with a nervous smile and closes the door on their faces

"Weird…" Applebloom mumbles

"What's sex?" Scootaloo asks Applebloom

"Is it something you can eat?" Sweetie Belle asks

"I dunno. It is something that Applejack was havin' last night" Applebloom answers "I asked Big Mac about it, but he did the exact same thing that Ms. Cheerilee just did right now"

"What? Gave you money?" Scootaloo asks

"Yeah, and told me to buy something tasty on Sugar Cube Corner…" Applebloom replies

"Really?" Sweetie Belle says "Maybe it is something you can eat!"

"Wait, wait! Go back a minute" Scootaloo says "You ask ponies about sex and they give you money? Just like that?"

"It seems so…" Applebloom says

"Awesome!" Scootaloo says "Let's go find some ponies and ask them about sex so they give us more money!"

"What?! No! We can't lose track of our mission!" Applebloom said "We need to talk to the Cakes at Sugar Cube Corner about Spruce, like Ms. Cheerilee said"

"Oh, oh!" Sweetie Belle waved her hoof "Maybe they have sex! And that's why everypony is sending you there! To buy some! We should ask them for a slice of sex when we get there! I wonder if sex is tasty…"

"Sweetie Belle! Focus!" Applebloom says

"And even if they don't have any sex, we should ask them anyway!" Scootaloo says "Maybe they'll give us money!"

"Seriously?" Applebloom said "Girls, we don't have time for this! We're in the middle of a very important investigation! Did y'all forget what's in stake here?"

Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo exchange glances "Uh… what is in stake here?" Sweetie Belle asks

"Yeah, what?" Scootaloo asks

"What?! Well, it's… uh… Pinkie… and… I… ya see… it's very fuckin' important, okay? There's a lot in stake here! A LOT! And let's never forget that!"

They just stare blankly at her

Applebloom sighs "Sorry, girls… Fine, we can ask them if we can have some sex, but only after we asked them about Spruce, okay?"

"Okay!"

"Deal!"

"Let's go then!"

"CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS, YAY!"

Ding!

The Sugar Cube Corner's doorbell rings, signaling the arrival of three fillies in the establishment.

"Oh, hi there, girls. I'm sorry, but we're closed" Mr. Cake told the Crusaders "Didn't you see the sign?"

"We just need to ask a few questions" Applebloom said

"I'm deeply sorry, girls" Mrs. Cake says "We'd love to help you, but we're in a hurry to go to the hospital. You see, we just received wonderful unexpected news…"

"Oh, right" Applebloom said under her breath "The baby, I forgot…"

Sweetie Belle heard it "You're gonna have a baby?" she asks Mrs. Cake

"Yes! How did you know?" Mrs. Cake says

"She's pregnant?" Scootaloo whispers to Applebloom "Why didn't you tell us?"

"I forgot, okay?" Applebloom whispered back "It kinda skipped my mind when I found out that Pinkie was a fugitive"

"Is it a boy or a girl?" Sweetie Belle asks Mrs. Cake, completely ignoring her whispering friends

"Well, that's what we intend to find out at the hospital" Mr. Cake says "Now, if you excuse us…"

"Oh, I hope it's a girl!" Sweetie Belle says "It would be so nice to have another girl in our gang! We could crusade for Cutie Marks together! Oh, if she turns out to be a unicorn, maybe we can also learn magic together! That would be so fun!"

"Well, I hope she's a Pegasus" Scootaloo said "Then we could learn to fly together! Or I could teach her! Or Rainbow Dash could teach us both! Oh, I'm so gonna turn her into a Dash fan!"

"Girls, please, a unicorn? A Pegasus? Do ya even listen to what yer sayin'?" Applebloom says "Mr. & Mrs. Cake are both Earth Ponies! She won't give birth to a unicorn or a Pegasus! The baby will be an Earth Pony. Like me" Applebloom gives a proud smile

"Well… We'll tell you what the baby will be as soon as we find out ourselves, okay?" Mr. Cake says "Now, if you excuse us… Come on, honey…"

"No, wait!" Applebloom said "We need to ask ya a few questions!"

"Girls, look" Mrs. Cake says "I'm sorry but we don't have time for this…"

"It's about Spruce"

The Cakes pause, confused, before realization begins to creep in…

"Oh, my…" Mrs. Cake sighs "So, you've heard about her…"

"Yeah, I was outside the store and couldn't help but listen…" Applebloom makes an apologizing face

"Oh, dear…" Mrs. Cake says "How much did you heard?"

"Everything from Pinkie admittin' to bein' a fugitive to her rushin' out of here to meet Rainbow Dash" Applebloom answers "We've been wonderin' if ya could help us clarify some stuff…"

"Clarify?" Mrs. Cake asks

"Stuff?" Mr. Cake asks

"We just need to ask some questions" Scootaloo took a professional tone "Don't worry, we won't take much of your time, ma'am"

Mr. & Mrs. Cake glance confused at each other.

"We're doin' an investigation" Applebloom answered their silent question

"Investigation?" Mrs. Cake says "Oh, girls, we would love to play detective with you but…"

"Reporters" Scootaloo corrected, annoyed "and this is not a game"

"We just want to know what's goin' on" Applebloom said "Just answer a few questions. We won't take long. Promise!"

"I… oh, alright" Mrs. Cake gave in "Ask away"

"Alright! So, first question… uh… You… uh… Give us a minute, would ya?" Applebloom smiles nervously, and forms a circle with her friends to decide what questions they should ask them.

"Girls?" Mrs. Cake asks "Girls, look, we don't have time for…"

"Just a minute!" Applebloom raises her hoof. A half-minute later, she finishes the discussion with her friends and turns back to the Cakes "Okay, first question: How long have ya known Pinkie Pie?"

"I would say… about six years?" Mrs. Cake answers

"In those six years" Applebloom continues her interrogation "did she ever act strange?"

"Uh… yes" Mr. Cake says "Like… every day"

"Carrot…" Mrs. Cake says in a reprimanding tone, but barely containing a chuckle

"Right…" Applebloom says "Okay, let me reword that… have she ever done anything that made you suspicious she could be a criminal?"

"Not really…" Mrs. Cake says "She never seemed like the kind that would do anything wrong"

"I understand" Applebloom scratches her chin "Do ya think she may have been framed or do ya really think she's guilty of something?"

"Framed?" Mrs. Cake says "Oh, my! I don't know which of these options would be worse… Why would anypony frame her?"

"Have Pinkie ever made you cupcakes that tasted weird?" Scootaloo interrupts them

"What?" Mrs. Cake asks, confused by the seemingly non sequitur question "Tasted weird?"

"Well, sometimes she misplaces the ingredients, and… well…" Mr. Cake gives a small chuckle "The result can be pretty disastrous"

"Do you think one of those 'misplaced ingredients' could actually be…" Scootaloo then takes a very somber tone "…ponies?"

"What?!" the Cakes say in unison

"Scootaloo!" Applebloom yells

"Have you noticed any neighbors or customers mysteriously disappearing during all those years after you employed her?"

"SCOOTALOO!" Applebloom shouts "Just… just drop the Cupcakes Theory, would ya?"

"No way!" Scootaloo protested "We shouldn't discard any theories so soon! Why are you so eager to dismiss it? Wait… You're in cahoots with her, aren't you?"

"What?!" Applebloom says "What are ya talkin' about?"

"Where were you last Tuesday night? How long have you two been doing this?" Scootaloo keeps pressing Applebloom for answers "How many victims have you two made? Why isn't Diamond Tiara one of them?"

"What the hay?!"

"Are you trying to get the Cannibal Cupcakes business all for yourself? Is that why you told us about Pinkie's convenient confession? So we would get rid of your competition for you? Huh? Huh?"

"I'm not in cahoots with anypony!" Applebloom shouted "I'm eager to dismiss the Cupcakes thing because the Cupcakes thing is stupid and ridiculous! Ya came up with that story as a joke, for Celestia's sake!"

The Cakes just stare confused at the trio "Cannibal… cupcakes?" they ask

"Don't mind Scootaloo" Applebloom said "She just made up all that Cupcakes nonsense to scare Sweetie Belle and now she's sticking to it like a stubborn mule for some reason…"

"Hey!" Scootaloo said

"Girls, I'm sorry, but we really need to go now" Mrs. Cake says "Come on, Carrot"

"But we still have more questions" Applebloom protested

"I think it's clear that you girls know just as much as we do" Mrs. Cake says "By the way, we would like if you don't spread the news about Pinkie being a fugitive. We don't want her to be ostracized"

"Don't worry, ma'am" Scootaloo said "We won't publish anything until we get all the facts. Journalism ethics"

Mrs. Cake gives a healthy laugh at Scootaloo's faux austerity "Thanks, sweetheart, we appreciate it"

"Let's go, honey" Mr. Cake says

"Oh, wait!" Sweetie Belle suddenly says "We have to ask them about the thing!"

"What thing? Oh, yeah, that's right!" Applebloom says "Mrs. Cake, wait up! We need to ask ya one last thing!"

"Girls, please…" Mrs. Cake pleads

"We just want to buy some sex!"

Mr. & Mrs. Cake both stare at the fillies "Wh… what?"

"We were wonderin' if ya had some sex to sell us" Applebloom says

"Does sex taste good or does it taste really good?" Sweetie Belle licks her lips in anticipation

The Cakes keep staring, speechless "I… I… We don't sell sex! Where did you girls heard that?!"

Applebloom takes a deep breath and then says "Well, yesterday Applejack didn't come home and we got worried so this morning Big Mac and I went lookin' for her and found her at the library and Rainbow Dash said that she was there all along and Big Mac asked her what she was doing all night and Rainbow Dash answered that Applejack was havin' sex and then I asked Big Mac what was that and he gave money and told me to spend it here and so I came here but before I could enter I heard Pinkie confessin' to being a fugitive named Spruce and I kinda forgot about the whole sex thing and went to talk with Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo about Spruce and we started guessin' what she could be guilty of and Scootaloo came up with that stupid Cupcakes thing and then Pinkie approached us and we got scared and ran to hide on our clubhouse until we decided that we shouldn't hide but investigate but we don't know how to investigate so we decided to ask Twilight for help but she wasn't at the library but Spike said she was at the hospital so went to the hospital and found out that Twilight was crazy so we decided to ask Ms. Cheerilee instead and she told us to come here and ask ya some questions and then I remembered the whole sex thing and how Big Mac hadn't actually answered my question and so I asked her about sex and she just gave more money and told me to come here and buy something tasty and so me and the girls concluded that since she and my big brother both gave me money and told me to come here then it must mean that sex is some kind of candy that y'all sell and so we came here and asked the questions we had to ask and then Sweetie Belle reminded me to ask ya to buy some sex and then I asked ya to sell us some sex and then ya said that ya don't sell sex and asked where we heard it and so I told ya the whole story and that's where we are right now"

Mr. Cake looks bemused. Mrs. Cake looks amused "Oh, sweeties… They just sent you here instead of explaining it to you, didn't they? You see, sex is not something that you can buy…"

"Actually…" Mr. Cake begins to say and then sees his wife glaring at him "…never mind"

"Then what is it?" Applebloom asks

"Yeah, what is it?" Sweetie Belle says

"Sex is… love" Mrs. Cake answers

"Love?!" the Crusaders ask in choir, glancing confused at each other

"A very special kind of love" Mrs. Cake continue "Something that only ponies that truly love each other can have and it's definitely not something for fillies as young as yourselves"

"Then why everypony was giving us money and telling us to come here?" Scootaloo asks

"Isn't it obvious?" Sweetie Belle says "Cakes are sex!"

"What?!" Applebloom and Scootaloo say at the same time

"Sex is a special kind of love!" Sweetie Belle continues "And nothing says love like delicious, delicious cakes!"

"Yeah, sure, let's go with that" Mr. Cake says "We really need to go now, girls, so please…"

"Oh, right. We've been keepin' ya long enough" Applebloom says "Goodbye, good luck, thanks for ya patience, and congratulations for ya baby"

"Thanks, girls" Mrs. Cake laughed and went with her husband towards the hospital

"Well, that certainly was a waste of time" Scootaloo said after the Cakes had left

"What? No, it wasn't" Applebloom says

"Oh, yeah?" Scootaloo replied "What exactly did we learn here?"

"Uh… Sweetie Belle, read it back to me"

"Read what back?"

"The notes" Applebloom replies "Of the questionin' we just made"

"Wait… I was supposed to be taking notes of that?" Sweetie Belle asks

Applebloom and Scootaloo both facehoof

"Oh, C'mon! That's not fair!" Sweetie Belle said "I don't read minds, you know"

"Doesn't matter" Applebloom says "We did learn something: The Cakes don't believe that Spruce is guilty. Considerin' that she lives under their roof and they see each other every day, I think it's safe to assume they're right and Spruce was framed"

"Yeah, or maybe they're protecting her!" Scootaloo suggested, suspicious "What if they are part of the Cupcakes Conspiracy?"

"Scootaloo, I swear to Celestia, if ya bring up the Cupcakes one more time, I'll kick ya out of this investigation!"

"There's another thing we learned!" Sweetie Belle chimes in "A new word: SEX!"

"Yeah, 'A more special kind of love'" Applebloom laughs "We keep learnin' new words this week. First, 'fuck'. Now, 'sex'"

"Except that we kinda don't know what 'fuck' means yet…" Scootaloo says "Hey! What if 'fuck' means the same thing as 'sex'?"

"Pfft! Don't be ridiculous!" Applebloom replies

"I like sex more than love!" Sweetie Belle exclaims "It has a cooler sound!"

"Fuck yeah, it does!" Scootaloo agrees "Sexxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx"

"Sexxxxxxxxxxxxxx" Sweetie Belle repeats

"Sexxxxxxxxxxxx" Scootaloo says again

"Se—"

"Girls! Focus!" Applebloom yells "We aren't done yet! We still have more investigatin' to do! Sweetie Belle, what's the next item on Ms. Cheerilee's list?"

"Hold on…" Sweetie Belle says, reading over the parchment "…I'm trying to decipher Scootaloo's mouthwriting…"

"Shut up! My mouthwriting is fine" Scootaloo said "I know what we need to do next. We need to get fedoras so ponies will know we're reporters and not detectives"

"Is that really a priority?" Applebloom asks

"Do you wanna ponies to keep mistaking us for detectives?" Scootaloo asks

"I don't really care…"

"Because they will unless we have fedoras with 'PRESS' written on the side!" Scootaloo interrupts Applebloom "Besides I'm pretty sure it was the next thing on the list anyway"

"She's right! It is the next thing on the list!" Sweetie Belle, who has just deciphered Scootaloo's 'calligraphy', exclaimed "We should go see Rarity! I bet she has some cool hats for us to use!"

"Fine" Applebloom sighs "If it's so important for y'all, let's go see Rarity"

"YAY!" Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle cheered, before following Applebloom towards Rarity's

As they enter the store, they hear Rarity and Applejack chatting

"…I think it may look a little better if we add a star riiiight… here" they hear Applejack say

"Fabulous idea!" Rarity replies "Oh, my! How come Stark never said you were such a terrific designer?"

"Probably because he doesn't know" Applejack laughs "My drawing skills aren't exactly my most famous attribute, even though I'm very proud of them"

"As you should!" Rarity says "Your details are magnificent! You should inv… Oh, hi girls! Didn't see you come in"

"Hi, Rarity" Applebloom says "Hello, big sister!"

"Uh… Hello there… uh… little sister" Applejack says, uneasy

"So…" Applebloom says with a teasing tone "Got tired of havin' sex with your special somepony?" she winks at her sister

Both Applejack's and Rarity's eyes widen with surprise.

"Oh, God…" Applejack sighs, blushing "Listen, uh… sister… about last night… Tony… I mean, Rainbow Dash was just kidding. I wasn't having sex, I mean…"

"Oh, Applejack, ya don't need to lie to me" Applebloom dismissed her sister's explanation "If yer not ready to introduce ya boyfriend to us yet, it's okay. We respect ya boundaries"

"Boyfriend?!" Applejack said flabbergasted

"Wait, do you girls even know what sex is?" Rarity raised an eyebrow

"Yeah!" Sweetie Belle answered, smiling "Mrs. Cake explained everything to us!"

"She did WHAT?!" Rarity roared, enraged "She had no right to talk about this stuff to my little sister!"

"Huh? Why? What's the big deal?" Sweetie Belle was confused

"Uh… what exactly did she tell you girls?" Applejack asks

"That sex is a special kind of love that only ponies that truly love each other can have" Applebloom answered "Why?"

Applejack and Rarity look at each other before they both begin to laugh.

"Huh? What's so funny?" Scootaloo asks

"Nothing, darling, nothing" Rarity dries her tears and gives a sigh of relief "So, anyway, was there anything else you girls came here for?"

"Oh, right!" Sweetie Belle says "We were wondering if you have some fedoras that we could borrow"

"Fedoras?" Rarity asks

"Yeah, we're reporters in the middle of an investigation and we want to look the part" Scootaloo says

Rarity chuckles "Oh, we're doing another Cutie Mark Crusade, aren't we? Well, girls, you know I usually work with more… elegant forms of chapeaus, not to mention that fedoras are mostly used by stallions and I don't work with male articles of clothing. But who knows, I may have one or two from when they were back in vogue"

"Kay, thanks, Rarity!" Sweetie Belle says "Let's go, girls, I think I know where we can find it!"

"You girls don't make a mess up there!" Rarity warned them and then turned back to Applejack "Here, Steve, dear, you should go try it on and see if it suits you before we make the modifications you suggested"

"Hey, Applebloom" Scootaloo said as they climbed up the stairs "Didn't your sister's voice sound a little different to you? Like she changed her accent?"

"Now that ya mention it, yeah" Applebloom replied

"And did Rarity called her 'steed' just now?" Scootaloo continues

"Grown ups" Applebloom shrugged "Who gets them?"

"And don't you find any of that suspicious?" Scootaloo raises an eyebrow "What if they're both part of the…"

"Scootaloo! I'm warning ya!" Applebloom snaps at her friend "If ya even think about cupcakes, I…"

"Over here, girls!" Sweetie Belle yelled from a room up ahead

The two fillies raced to the room Belle's voice was coming from, and find her inside a chest, throwing a bunch of hats, dresses, cloths, and feather boas out.

"Uh… Sweetie Belle?" Applebloom says

Sweetie Belle's head pops up from inside the chest wearing a fashionable wide-brimmed derby hat "Good news, girls! I've found two fedoras! Well, technically, one of them is a trilby because it has a short brim…"

"And the one yer wearin' now?" Applebloom asks

"It's glamorous, isn't it?" Sweetie Belle says, touching her mane, trying to imitate her sister's speech and mannerisms

"You're not gonna be wearing that one in our investigation, are you?" Scootaloo asks

"Why not?" Sweetie Belle asks "You're just jealous of my fabulousity"

"That's not a word" Scootaloo says

"Maybe it is. How would you know?" Sweetie Belle replies "You didn't even know what 'sex' was…"

"Neither did you!" Scootaloo yells

"Scootaloo has a point, Sweetie Belle" Applebloom says "That hat is a little… very big and not very professional looking…"

"So what? It accentuates my elegance and sophistication" Sweetie Belle strikes a pose, leaning on the edge of the chest… causing it to tip over, throwing its contents (including Sweetie Belle) all over the floor "Aw…" Sweetie Belle groans, lifting herself from a pile of cloths as Applebloom and Scootaloo glance unimpressed at each other.

"Anyways" Sweetie Belle continues, retrieving her hat from the floor and putting it back on her head "These two are the only 'reporter-like' hats I could find" she throws the fedora and the trilby at her two friends "Since there's no fedoras for me and I still need a hat, might as well pick the prettiest one"

Applebloom rolls her eyes and sighs "Fine. We got our stupid hats. Now, what's the next thing on the list?"

"Let me see…" Sweetie Belle reads the piece of paper "Wait! Girls! I made a mistake! The fedoras weren't the next thing on the list! I've skipped the 'Buy lots of papers and pens' thing!"

"No problem" Applebloom says "I'm sure we can buy plenty with all the money Ms. Cheerilee and Big Macintosh gave me"

"Why waste money?" Scootaloo said, and grabbed a big roll of fabric off from the shelves "We have all the 'paper' we need right here!"

"Good idea!" Sweetie Belle said "Rarity has some markers on her drawers that we could use as pens!"

"Ya sure we can just take it like that?" Applebloom asks

"Sure! Rarity has plenty of those" Sweetie Belle replied "We'll just take one. She won't even notice it"

"Yeah, well, I'm pretty sure she will notice if we just waltz out of here carrying it on our backs" Scootaloo pointed out

"Scootaloo has a point: How we will carry that thing?" Applebloom asks "With that big roll, the pens, the list, the bags of coins… our hooves are gettin' a little full here"

"We could use some of these bags…" Sweetie Belle pulls a bag that was hanging from a mannequin… which causes the mannequin to tip over, knocking the mannequin on its side which knocks another mannequin on its side and so forth, making them all fall like domino pieces until they all collide against a big shelf of fabric which crashes soundly on the floor, spreading its contents all over the place "Oops…" Sweetie Belle says

"Sweetie Belle?" Rarity's voice comes from downstairs "What was that noise?"

"Nothing, dear sister" Sweetie Belle yells back

"Oh-oh… We're in trouble now…" Scootaloo said

"Nah!" Sweetie Belle dismissed her as she put all their materials on the bag "This room is usually a mess anyways. She won't even notice"

The three friends then proceed to each take a small piece of fabric, write 'PRESS' on it, and stick it on the side of their hats.

"There!" Scootaloo says "Now everypony will know we're reporters!"

"Okay, now what's the next thing we should do?" Applebloom asks Sweetie Belle

"Hmm… 'Reevaluate our suspects based on the new information we gathered'" Sweetie Belle reads

"We didn't get any new information and we don't have any new suspects" Scootaloo says

"Okay then, maybe we'll come back to that later" Applebloom says "What's next?"

"Stakeouts" Sweetie Belle replies

"What do we do on a stakeout?" Scootaloo asks

"Hmm… I dunno… observe, follow, take pictures…" Applebloom says

"Take pictures? We don't have a camera" Scootaloo says

"Well, I guess we could…"

"Featherweight has a camera" Sweetie Belle says "We could ask to borrow his"

"Oh, yeah! That's right!" Scootaloo says

"Who's Featherweight?" Applebloom asks

"You don't know?" Scootaloo replies "He's this boy in our class with a big head"

"He doesn't have a big head" Sweetie Belle says "He's just small bodied"

"Anyways, he has a camera that he uses all the time" Scootaloo continues "So much, in fact, that I'm willing to bet that when he gets his Cutie Mark it will probably be photo-related…"

"Wait!" Applebloom says "He doesn't have a Cutie Mark?!"

"Uh, yeah. Why?" Scootaloo asks

"Why didn't you tell me?" Applebloom says "We could have asked him to join the Crusaders! Why didn't ya offer him to join us?"

"I thought we had a 'No Boys' policy" Scootaloo said

"We have policies?" Sweetie Belle asked

"Why wouldn't we accept boys?" Applebloom says "That would go against the reason we formed the Crusaders in the first place"

"To get Cutie Marks?" Scootaloo raises an eyebrow

"No. To prevent ponies from being looked down for bein' different!" Applebloom says

"Hmm… Nah, I'm pretty sure it was to get Cutie Marks" Scootaloo replies

"Whatever!" Applebloom shouts "We need to borrow his camera for the stakeout and we might as well ask him to join us! Now, let's go!"

The three fillies left the room and climbed down the stairs. Suddenly, somepony shouts.

"I'm not a donkey!"

The Crusaders turn to see Rarity staring enraged at a smirking Rainbow Dash

"Careful, Rarity" Rainbow Dash says "Getting so offended for being called a donkey, some ponies may think you're racist"

"Tony!" Applejack says, indignant… for some reason…

"Why, I ought to…" Rarity stops what she's saying when she sees the Crusaders staring at them "Oh, hi, girls. I see you three found what you were looking for" she then looks at Sweetie Belle "Well, most of you"

"Rainbow Dash! Hi!" Scootaloo greets, excited

"Hey, kid" Rainbow Dash replies uninterested, barely looking at Scootaloo

"Can't talk now. We're kinda in a hurry" Scootaloo said, not even registering the apathy in which Rainbow Dash answered her "We're in the middle of a very important investigation" she whispered the last part

"Sure you are" Rainbow Dash couldn't care less

"Oh, no, you're not taking that hat out of here" Rarity said, referring to Sweetie Belle's derby hat

"But…" Sweetie Belle protests

"No buts" Rarity says "You're going to dirty it and I won't allow you to ruin this beautiful hat"

"I promise I will take good care of it" Sweetie Belle says

"Mm-huh" Rarity says with a raised eyebrow, unconvinced

"Pleeeeease!" Sweetie Belle makes a pleading face with huge, teary eyes and pouty lips

"Don't make that face to me" Rarity says "It won't work"

Sweetie Belle continues to make that face

"Sweetie Belle…"

Sweetie Belle's puppy face remains unchanged

Rarity puts her face on her hoof and sighs, frustrated "You can keep the hat…"

"Yay!" Sweetie Belle smiles "Thanks, dear sister" Rainbow Dash smirks.

"Well, I'll be going now. Cap" Rainbow Dash nods towards Applejack before turning to Rarity "Cruella De Vil" she says to her and then turns to the Crusaders "Bubbles" she says to Sweetie Belle "Blossom" she says to Applebloom "Buttercup" she says to Scootaloo "See y'all later" Dash leaves.

"I guess we should go too" Applebloom says "Thanks for the hats, Rarity. Bye, Applejack"

"Bye… sister" Applejack gives an unsure smile

Once outside, the fillies begin to chat

"The pleading eyes… never fail" Sweetie Belle says, proud with herself

"Okay, so now we need to locate Featherweight" Applebloom says "Any idea where we can find him?"

"Probably at the schoolyard" Scootaloo says "He works for the school paper"

"Hmm… maybe we should work for the school paper too" Applebloom ponders

"Did any of you girls think that Rainbow Dash was acting strange?" Sweetie Belle asks

"Kinda" Applebloom says

"Nope" Scootaloo says

"Really?" Sweetie Belle asks Scootaloo "You didn't think it was weird how she seemed to anger Rarity, how she treated you coldly, or how she called everypony weird names like 'Koala The Ville' and the like?"

"Well, that's… that… that's just stuff that cool ponies do" Scootaloo replied "You don't get it because you're not cool"

Sweetie Belle frowns. Applebloom raises an eyebrow "Really? So her strange behavior is not suspicious to ya? Yer not gonna say she's part of the Cupcakes Conspiracy too?"

"You're the one who told me not to mention it again" Scootaloo replied "And let's be real, there's no way that Rainbow Dash would, in any shape and form, be a part of the Cupcakes—"

"SWEETIE BELLE!" Rarity's scream is heard coming from the second floor of her house

"Busted!" Sweetie Belle says "She noticed the mess! We need to run!" and so the Crusaders absconded, almost crashing into Fluttershy, who looks at them running, a curious expression on her face.

Later, on the park near the school, a little Pegasus named Featherweight was taking pictures of butterflies for the school paper. Actually, no. He just likes taking pictures of butterflies.

"Excuse me, Featherweight?" Featherweight turns to see three fillies, two of them wearing fedoras and the other wearing a really big summer hat.

"Yes?" he asks

"Hi, I don't think we've met" Applebloom continues "I'm Applebloom. This is Sweetie Belle and Sc…"

"Scootaloo. Yeah, I know who you are. The girls on my class who are always causing trouble" featherweight interrupted them "What do you want?"

"Uh, rude" Applebloom said, slightly annoyed "We were just wonderin' if we could borrow ya camera for a little while"

"My camera? Why?"

"Well…" Applebloom begins to say

"It's for an assignment!" Sweetie Belle suddenly shouts

Featherweight raises an eyebrow, curious "An assignment? You mean like a scoop?"

"Uh… YES! We're journalists, see?" Applebloom turns her hat around, showing the 'PRESS' written on it "Like ya"

Featherweight looks suspicious "I don't remember you girls on the editorial meetings…"

"Oh, that's because we're freelancers" Scootaloo said "We don't work for the school paper exclusively"

Featherweight frowns "You know what I think? I think that you don't work for any paper, exclusively or not, and this is just one of your so-called crusades that always end in trouble, which means you'll probably break my camera. So, no, thank you, but my camera stays with me" he then turns back to his butterflies

Applebloom sighs and turns around, disappointed

"What if we hire you?" Scootaloo proposes

"What?" Featherweight asks, turning his head back

"What?" Applebloom asks, turning her head back

"You won't need to trust us with the camera if you are the one taking the pictures" Scootaloo replies "So, what do you say?"

"Scootaloo, what ya doin'?" Applebloom whispered to her friend

"I'm hiring him. What do you think I'm doing?" Scootaloo replies

"Excuse us for a moment" Applebloom tells Featherweight and grabs Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle for a 'private meeting' "Ya crazy? Ya can't hire him!"

"Why not?"

"Because our investigation was supposed to be secret!" Applebloom says "And there are already too many ponies who know about Spruce thanks to Sweetie Belle's big mouth"

"Hey!" Sweetie Belle says

"And having just one more pony knowing that is bad because…?" Scootaloo asks

"Featherweight works for the school paper" Applebloom points out "If we tell him about Pinkie's secret, everypony will know about it by tomorrow afternoon. And, then, our lives, and maybe Spruce's life, could be in danger"

"Well, uh… he doesn't need to know" Scootaloo says "We won't tell him a thing. Just ask him to take some pictures and that's it. Besides, think about it… Pinkie, or Spruce or whatever, is already onto us. If we follow her she will notice. If we send somepony whom she never met before, however…"

"Hmm… that's actually a great idea" Applebloom said "Good thinkin', Scootaloo"

"So, what do you say, Featherweight?" Scootaloo said, turning back to him "Are you with us?"

"No"

The Crusaders stood silent for a moment "Uh… what do you mean 'no'?"

"I'm already hired by the school paper" Featherweight said

"Pfft! That's not even a real job!" Scootaloo said "They don't pay you. We, however, will" Scootaloo grabs one of the two bags of coins and shakes it in front of Featherweight

"You can't buy my integrity"

"Integrity?! You published a picture of Snails picking his nose last week!"

"Okay, okay, let's not get hostile here" Applebloom says parting Scootaloo and Featherweight from the intense staring contest they were having "Featherweight, please, couldn't ya just do it as a personal favor to us?"

"None of you said a single word to me during this entire year, like you weren't even aware I existed" Featherweight said "And now you're asking me a personal favor?"

"Pretty much" Sweetie Belle said "Especially considering that Applebloom really didn't know you existed until…"

"SWEETIE BELLE!" Applebloom yells then turns back to Featherweight "Look, I know that it sounds like we're takin' advantage of ya, but believe me, if ya help us, we can pay ya back in spades"

"Yeah, we're all very close to somepony who's very close to somepony who's very close to Princess Celestia" Sweetie Belle said "So, doing a favor to us is basically the same as doing a favor to her"

"I don't know…"

"Please! It's important!" Applebloom says "We're begging ya!"

"Yeah!" Sweetie Belle said "Help us, please"

Featherweight looks at Scootaloo, waiting. Scootaloo looks back, scowling.

"Scootaloo…" Applebloom whispers between clenched teeth "Beg"

Scootaloo takes a moment to swallow her pride "Please" she says with a snarl, and lowers her head, looking less like a reverence and more like she was about to pounce him.

Featherweight looks satisfied "Okay, I'm in. What do you want me to do?"

"It's simple. Do ya know Pinkie Pie?" Applebloom waited for Featherweight to nod "Well, she was last seen near the Sweet Apple Acres. We would like ya to tail her around and take some pictures of her"

"Follow Pinkie? What for?"

"That's confidential" Scootaloo said, almost spiteful

"After that, ya meet us at the clubhouse to show us ya findin's" Applebloom says

"And where the hay is that?"

"Ask 'round" Applebloom said and left with her friends, while Scootaloo blew a raspberry at Featherweight

"So... what do we do in the meantime?" Sweetie Belle asked

"Are ya girls hungry?" Applebloom replied "Let's see if Granny Smith has something for us to eat" and so they went

A few apple pies later, at the Apple's dinner room…

"Ya girls really were hungry, huh?" Granny Smith says to the three fillies, their faces covered in pie crumbs

"Yeah! We were supposed to have eaten earlier, but we got sidetracked by the whole Spruce deal" Sweetie Belle said

"Sweetie Belle!" Applebloom said, making a 'zip' motion on her lips

"What was that?" Granny Smith asked, putting her hoof near her ear

"Oh, nothing" Sweetie Belle smiled "I just wondered if I could have another slice of delicious pie"

"Another pie? But of course, Sweetie" Granny Smith said, putting another full pie on the table "So, I see ya girls are playin' reporters" Granny pointed at the 'press' hats

"Scootaloo and I are reporters" Applebloom said "I have no idea what the hay Sweetie Belle is supposed to be" Applebloom mocked Sweetie's derby hat before receiving a pie to the face

"I'm sorry, Granny Smith" Sweetie Belle said, apologetically "I seem to have misplaced my pie"

"I'm gonna misplace ya face!" Applebloom said

"Hey, Applebloom" Scootaloo said "There's something in your flank"

"What…" Applebloom looks at her flank and sees a weird shape… a weird mark! "Oh my gosh! I've got my Cutie Mark! I've got my Cutie Mark!"

"Actually, I think…" Scootaloo begins to say

"Oh my gosh, Applebloom!" Sweetie Belle said "Lemme see! Lemme see!"

"What?" Granny Smith picked her ear "Emcee? What's an emcee?"

"What is it? What is it?" Applebloom asked them "Is it a fedora? An ink pen? A magnifying glass? What?!"

"I think it's a flower! No! It's an apple! No! A banana! A Go-Kart!" Sweetie Belle kept guessing

"Folk art? What are ya three yabberin' about?" Granny Smith interrupted her "Hold on, girls, let me get my hearin' horn…"

"Girls, I don't think that's…" Scootaloo tries to chime in

"No, wait! I got it!" Sweetie Belle exclaimed "It's a buffalo!"

"A buffalo?!" Applebloom said, confused

Scootaloo facehooves. Granny Smith found her hearing horn and put it on her ear "Say again?"

"My Cutie Mark… a buffalo?" Applebloom repeats, still confused

"Who's Mark Ruffalo? And why do ya think he's cute?" Granny Smith asks, holding her hearing horn "Yer too young to have these kind of thoughts, little lady!"

"It's not a buffalo!" Scootaloo said "It's just pie dressing!"

"Pie dressing?!" Applebloom said

"Oh! That means your special talent is receiving pies in the face!" Sweetie Belle beamed "See? I helped!"

"No! I mean it's literally pie dressing!" Scootaloo cleans Applebloom's mark with her hoof "See?"

"Oh, bummer…" Applebloom sighs. Why she keeps falling for that?

"What?! Oh, wait, there's something in here…" Granny Smith blew her hearing horn, puffing a cloud of dust on Sweetie Belle's face, who coughs. Granny puts the horn back on her ear "Ah, much better"

"There you are, girls" Big Macintosh, who just arrived, said "This lil' fella here was lookin' for y'all" he motions for Featherweight to enter the room

"Finally!" Featherweight says "I was looking all over…"

"Who are ya? Are ya Mark Ruffalo?" Granny Smith asks him "What are ya intentions with my granddaughter?"

"Huh?"

"This is Featherweight, Granny" Applebloom explained "We hired him to take some pictures for us" she turns to Featherweight "So, did ya take it?"

"Yeah, here…" Featherweight says, grabbing a small pile of pictures

"Not here!" Applebloom said, pushing the pile back to him "This is secret stuff! It can only be viewed safely in the privacy of our clubhouse! By the way, ya should already have been heading that way. Why aren't ya?"

"I already told you I don't know where that is!"

"Doesn't matter. We'll go there together" Applebloom then turns to her friends "Are ya finished with the pies, girls? Let's go back to the clubhouse and get down to business!"

TO THE FILLYCAVE! (Horseshoe symbol spins into the screen while swirling tune plays)

"Welcome to our secret headquarters!" Applebloom tells Featherweight as they enter the clubhouse "What do you think?"

"It's nice, I guess… what's with all the Rainbow Dash posters and badly drawn maps of the town?"

"Badly drawn?" Sweetie Belle said, offended

"The posters are there because Rainbow Dash kicks butt! Also, the CMC headquarters double as a Rainbow Dash fan club on weekends" Scootaloo explained "As for the maps, they were the way we used to mark the places that we were more likely to get our Cutie Marks"

"We have since upgraded to a list format" Applebloom said

"Here" Scootaloo points to a list glued to the wall

CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS' CUTIE MARK CRUSADE PROPOSALS:

-Parasailing

-Lassoing

-Holding Breath Underwater

-Kung Fu Fighting

-Mud Wrestling

-Alligator Wrestling

-Choir Singing

-Making Candy

-Eating Candy

-Eating Mud

-Shoe Confection

-Kicking Diamond Tiara's Butt

-Zombie Hunting

-Brain Surgery

-Making Pizza

-Become Princesses

-Overthrow Princesses

-Spaghetti Sculpture

-Ghost Busting

-Stand-Up Comedy

-Reading

-Cutie Mark Crusading

-Miming

-Origami

-Procrastination

-Philosophy

-Writing the Greatest Equestrian Novel

-World Domination

-Making Puns

-Belching

-Cloning

-Impersonations

-Impersonate Rainbow Dash

-Stalk Rainbow Dash

-Become Rainbow Dash

-Chemistry

-Carpentry

-Building Buildings

-Find the Fountain of Youth

-Explore the World

-Travel the World

-Save the World

-Destroy the World

-Abstract Painting

-Crime Fighting

-Firefighting

-Bullfighting

-Bully Fighting

-Ice Skating

-Ice Eating

-Ice Making

-Ice Sculpting

-Juice Making

-Realty

-Theater Acting

-Theater Writing

-Writing Lists

-Dentistry

-Future Guessing

-Jazz Music

-Stock Market Analysis

-Building Bathtub Time Machines

"Bathtub Time Machines?" Featherweight asked after reading the list

"Don't ask" Applebloom said

"It's kind of a substitute to an idea we scrapped about building a time machine out of a toil—" Sweetie Belle began to explain

"We agreed to never talk about 'Project: TURDIS' ever again!" Scootaloo shouted

"Do you girls actually intend to do all of this?" Featherweight asks, skeptical

"Of course not!" Sweetie Belle said "Just until we get our Cutie Marks!"

"And ya could join us!" Applebloom said

"What?"

"Ya don't have a Cutie Mark either! We all could try to get ours together!" Applebloom says "What do ya say? Would ya like to join the Cutie Mark Crusaders?"

"Uh… no. Why would I want to be member of a girl's club?" Featherweight says "I already get enough teasing at school because of my butterfly pictures. You have any idea how much that teasing will increase if I decide to join you in your little make-believe tea-parties?"

"We don't have make-believe tea parties" Scootaloo said, annoyed

"Oh, but we totally should!" Sweetie Belle said

"Okay, first of all, this is not a girl club. Yeah, sure there are only girls now, but it isn't supposed to be just for girls" Applebloom says "And, second of all, who cares if ya like butterflies and spendin' time with girls. What? That makes ya feel less like a boy? Ya can't like stuff just because they're 'supposed to be for girls'? Pfft! Ya like what ya like! Ya do what ya do! But, hey, I guess ya don't have the guts to try somethin' new because others may think it's 'girly'. Or are ya so unsure of yaself that ya think ya will suddenly stop being a boy at any given moment just because of these 'girly interests'?"

"No! It's just that… I'm not sure I want to be a part of this. I barely even know you girls… and you're always getting in trouble…"

"Oh, c'mon! It will be fun!" Applebloom said "And all those boys who would make fun of ya for joining us? Trust me, in a few years, they all will wish they were the only boy in a girl's club" Applebloom winked

"I don't know…" Featherweight said "I don't like the idea of being a token"

Applebloom pauses. She blinks "Uh… excuse me for a minute" she turns to her friends and whispers "What the fuck is a token?"

"I can hear you" Featherweight said

"Oh" Applebloom said "Okay, then"

"A token is being, like you said, 'the only boy in a girl's club'. It means being the only representative of a particular demographic group" Featherweight said, putting his (school) journalism background to good use "It makes you feel inadequate"

"Oh, okay… uh… well, yer a Pegasus!" Applebloom said "And so is Scootaloo! Now, that I think about it, we all were tokens! I'm the only Earth Pony of our group! Sweetie Belle is the only unicorn! And Scootaloo is the only Pegasus! If ya join us, ya and Scootaloo can both be the representatives of the Pegasi race! Would that make ya feel less of a token?"

"Hmm… I don't know…"

"If you don't want to join the Crusaders, you can still join the Rainbow Dash Fan Club" Scootaloo said "That is, if you wish"

"Join us!" Sweetie Belle said "Trust me, you're gonna sex it!"

"I'm gonna what?"

"Sex it!" Sweetie Belle smiled "Sex is like love but better!"

"I… I'll think ab—Oh, what the hay! Okay, I'll join you"

"That's great!" Applebloom said "We'll have plenty of time to do your initiation later. Now, the pictures you took from Spr—Pinkie…"

"We have initiations?" Sweetie Belle asked

"Here they are" Featherweight gave them the pictures

The Crusaders went over the pictures, a confused expression on their faces "Uh… Featherweight?"

"Yes?"

"Why are all of these pictures focused on Pinkie's butt?"

"I thought that was what you wanted me to do"

"Ya thought we wanted ya to take pictures of her butt?"

"Of her Cutie Mark" Featherweight explained "You are the Cutie Mark Crusaders, after all"

"He has a point" Scootaloo said

"If you didn't want me to take pictures of her Cutie Mark…" Featherweight says "Then why did you want me to take pictures of her?"

"Well, I guess it's okay to tell ya since ya decided to join our group" Applebloom says "We suspect Pinkie is not who she says she is"

"What do you mean?"

"She's a cannibal named Spruce who kills ponies and turns them into cupcakes"

"WHAT?!"

"SCOOTALOO!" Applebloom yells "Don't listen to her, Featherweight. All we know is that Pinkie is a fugitive named Spruce. We don't know what she's guilty of or even if she's guilty of anything. She could have been framed. That's why we wanted ya to take some pictures of her. To watch her"

"And also to put on this wanted poster we created" Sweetie Belle lifted a piece of paper

Suspect:

SPRUCE "PINKIE" PIE

Is Pie Even Her Real Surname? Probably NOT!

Was She Framed?

If Not, Possible Crimes:

-International Espionage

-Jewelry Theft

-Identity Theft

-Rock Theft

-Misrepresentation

-Default

-Murder

-Ponyslaughter

-Kidnapping

-Falsehood

-Pants on Fire

-Coup d'état

-Burglary

-Tax Evasion

-Cupcakes

"We're gonna cross that last one out" Applebloom said

"No, we won't" Scootaloo said

"Wait, you're serious?" Featherweight asked

"Yeah, Applebloom heard her confess it to Mr. & Mrs. Cake" Sweetie Belle said "and the Cakes confirmed it"

"Hmm… Well, I guess that weird machinery makes a little more sense now…" Featherweight muses out loud

"Weird machinery?" the three reply at the same time

"Yeah, Pinkie was building this really big and funny looking machine in the middle of the ranch" Featherweight said "At first, I found it really weird. I mean, I didn't know Pinkie was skilled with tools, but now…"

"Well, she did build a helicopter once…" Scootaloo reminisces

"What machine?" Applebloom said "She was building a machine and ya didn't take a picture of it?"

"I think you can see part of it on this one…" Featherweight points at one of the many photographs of Pinkie's butt

"Hey!" Scootaloo pointed at a strand of Rainbow hair on the corner of the picture "That's Rainbow Dash!"

"Oh, yes, Rainbow Dash was there too" Featherweight said

"On, no!" Scootaloo whimpered "Spruce got Rainbow Dash! She's gonna turn her into a cupcake!"

"Pinkie Pie is not gonna turn Rainbow Dash into a cupcake, Scootaloo!" Applebloom said "Get that through ya thick skull!"

"Okay, okay!" Scootaloo said "Maybe she turns them into muffins…"

Applebloom looked like she was about to slap Scootaloo when Featherweight said "Nah, they were just talking. In fact, I had to leave because Rainbow Dash spotted me and called me a 'pervy voyeur'. I don't even know what that means"

"Well, what do ya think, girls?" Applebloom asks "Should we investigate it?"

"Fuck yeah!" Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle replied

"CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS, YAY!"

They look at Featherweight who just stares at them "Uh… you're supposed to join us in the salute"

"I'm not doing that!" Featherweight protested "It's stupid!"

"Failure to participate in the official Cutie Mark Crusaders salute will result in expulsion with dishonor" Applebloom said matter-of-factly

Featherweight sighed and put his hoof together with theirs.

"CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS, YAY!" the three fillies salute again

"Cutie mark crusaders, yay…" Featherweight says with not nearly the same enthusiasm

And so, Sir Featherweight and the Crusaders Three marched towards their destination: The Sweet Apple Acres, where an interesting reunion is taking place beneath a curious looking machine…

"Wow! That is a weird looking machine!" Sweetie Belle says as she and her other three companions observed the curious meeting from behind a rock uphill, a safe distance from the other group.

"Told ya" Featherweight said

"Everypony is here!" Scootaloo said "Rainbow Dash… Spike… Fluttershy… Rarity… Even Big Mac! What's he doing there?"

"What's Twilight doing there?" Applebloom asked "Wasn't she supposed to be in a padded room at the hospital?"

"Shush…" Sweetie Belle said "Something's happening…"

The fillies and the colt watch as Pinkie Pie turns on the machine. The interior of the machine glows, as six rocks levitate on its core. Suddenly, sparks fly from the control panel. Pinkie shields her eyes and tries to push some buttons. Applejack pushes her away and protects them both with some kind of metal round shield she was carrying. The machine blows. Everypony, the ones down in the ground and the little ones behind the rock uphill, all stare surprised and alarmed as the machine emits a wide array of magic beams all over the place, knocking some of them over. One of the beams went astray, hitting an unsuspecting Pegasus who was just flying by, a few miles from there. Not that anypony present would notice that…

"What the…?" Featherweight said

"What the hay?" Sweetie Belle said

"What the heck?" Applebloom said

"What the fuck?" Scootaloo said

"What happened?!" Featherweight asks

"Girls, I think we should get out of here…" Sweetie Belle says

"No!" Applebloom says "We need to stay and observe! It's our duty as reporters! We need to honor our reporter hats!" she turns to Sweetie Belle "Or that thing in ya head… Seriously, Sweetie, we're trying to be covert here! Take that ridiculous thing out of ya head!"

"Hey! Leave my fabulous hat alone!" Sweetie Belle protested "You're just jealous!"

Ignoring her two bickering friends, Scootaloo observed the small crowd downhill. Applejack, who was talking briefly to Pinkie Pie, was now checking on Rarity and Big Mac, who have been knocked out by the beams. Twilight tries to assist her. Pinkie was now talking to Rainbow Dash. Spike just seemed confused and frightened by the whole thing. Somepony was missing… From the corner of her eyes, Scootaloo catches a glimpse of somepony sneaking away…

"Hey" Scootaloo nudges Applebloom "Look"

Applebloom looks to where Scootaloo is pointing and sees Fluttershy walking away from the group trying to be unnoticed.

"Strange…" Applebloom says "We need to follow her. Featherweight, stay here and keep an eye on them. Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle, follow me. Let's see where Fluttershy is going"

And, so, from rock to rock, from bush to bush, the Crusaders hid, furtively following Fluttershy out of town. Until, finally, Fluttershy seems to arrive at her destination, looking around her, suspiciously, before taking her first steps into the wide, haunting gorge…

"She's going into the Ghastly Gorge!" Scootaloo said

"What she's gonna do there?" Sweetie Belle asked

"We need to follow her to find out!" Applebloom replied

"Follow her into the Ghastly Gorge?!" Scootaloo said, a chill going down her spine "Alone?!"

"Ya scared?" Applebloom asked Scootaloo

"Pfft! Of course not!" Scootaloo lied

"Good. Because I am" Applebloom said "So ya go first"

"HEY!" Scootaloo protested

"Uh… girls…" Sweetie Belle says

"What?!" Applebloom tells Scootaloo

"Girls…"

"You tricked me!" Scootaloo shouts

"Girls"

"How did I trick ya?!"

"GIRLS!"

"WHAT?!" both turn towards Sweetie Belle

"She saw us!" Sweetie Belle cries

Applebloom and Scootaloo's eyes widen as they slowly turn their heads down at Fluttershy, who's staring right at them.

Fluttershy raises an eyebrow. They scream.

"WE'VE BEEN SPOTTED! ABORT MISSION! ABORT MISSION!"

They run away, panicking, while Fluttershy smirks before returning to the Gorge. Unbeknownst to them all, a large figure watches from the clouds. The figure seems to ponder, turning its head from Fluttershy to the screaming little fillies. The figure decides to follow the Crusaders.

"Back already?" Featherweight asks them when they returned "Did you find out where Fluttershy was going?"

"Yeah… Ghastly Gorge…" Applebloom says, catching her breath

"Ghastly Gorge? What was she doing there?"

"No idea" Applebloom looks over towards the broken machine downhill and sees Spike and Pinkie chatting "Where's everypony else?"

"They disbanded" Featherweight said "They were arguing so I came closer to listen… don't worry, they didn't spot me. They contacted Princess Celestia. She's coming to town!"

The Crusaders stare at him, a bored expression on their faces

"That's huge, right?" Featherweight said

"Not really" Applebloom answered "Princess Celestia comes to Ponyville once every month ever since Twilight moved in"

"Yeah, nopony cares anymore" Scootaloo said

"So" Applebloom continues "What happened to the others?"

"Big Mac invited Twilight to eat something over at your house" Featherweight tells Applebloom "I guess she was really hungry. Rainbow Dash went to the barn to finish her 'suit'. Applejack and Rarity left together so Rarity could finish her suit. What's with everypony making suits now? Do you girls know anything about that?"

"No. This is getting' stranger and stranger" Applebloom said "Girls, I think we should split up"

"I'll check on Rainbow Dash at the barn!" Scootaloo exclaimed and rushed to the barn

"Wait! We didn't… oh, fuck… MEET US AT THE CLUBHOUSE WHEN YER DONE!" Applebloom yelled

"OKAY!" Scootaloo yelled back, halfway to the barn

"Okay, so now we have to decide who goes check on Rarity and Applejack and who checks on Twilight…"

"I can check Twilight from here" Featherweight said, zooming his camera towards the Apples' house "Yep, she's still eating. You both can go after your sisters if you want to"

"Thanks, Featherweight!" Sweetie Belle said "We appreciate that!"

Featherweight waved them goodbye as they went their way… followed by the large figure in the sky.

Just outside the barn, Scootaloo can hear Rainbow Dash singing a happy tune.

"Dashing through the sky, in a one-pony metal sleigh, over the clouds we fly, exploding everything in our way"

"Rainbow Dash?" Scootaloo slowly opens the doors of the barn.

"Sparkle buries herself in books, thinking she's so bright, I'm a genius with multiple awards and good looks, are you jealous, Twilight?"

Scootaloo gets inside and sees an assortment of metal, tools and computer parts over the haystacks. Pieces of armor dangle from chains hanging from the ceiling.

"Jingle Bells, raising hell, swaggering with sass" Rainbow Dash kept singing, welding something with a blowtorch "Oh, how fun it is to shove a missile up Discord's ass"

"Rainbow Dash?" Scootaloo calls again

"Jingle—what?" Dash flips her welding mask up and looks at Scootaloo "Oh, it's you, kid"

"What are you doing?" Scootaloo looked curiously at the table

"Uh… well…" Rainbow Dash looked from the table to the little filly "You see, your big sister is working on something very delicate and dangerous and you shouldn't be here"

"What?" Scootaloo stared incredulously at Dash "Did you… did you just say you're my big sister?"

"Well, yeah. I mean, you're my little sister, aren't you?" Dash smiled

Scootaloo just stared speechless.

"Oh, fuck, you're not! Shit!" Dash's smile disappeared "Look, kid, I didn't mean…" Before she can complete her sentence, Scootaloo jumped and hugged her

"This is what I always wanted!" Scootaloo cried tears of joy "This is the happiest day of my life!"

Rainbow Dash looked uncomfortable "Oh… I… Kid? Shit… Kid, you know… you know, I'm not really your sister, right?"

Scootaloo just kept hugging her "I love you" she sobs

"Oooookay… now, let me go, please?" Dash asks and Scootaloo complies "Look, kid, I don't want to hurt your feelings, but… we, I mean, I… you see…" Scootaloo stares at her, eyes still teary. Dash sighs "Alright, you can be my little sister. My honorary little sister"

"I-I'm so happy…" Scootaloo dried her tears

"Yeah, okay" Dash smiled awkwardly and rubbed her neck "But seriously, though, you shouldn't be here…"

"Are you building something?" Scootaloo looks behind her at the table

"Uh, yeah. Yeah, I am"

"I didn't know you built stuff"

"Ever since I was little"

"You mean you were a nerd?!" Scootaloo said, shocked "Like Twilight?!"

"What?! No! Not like Twilight! I'm much cooler than her, wouldn't you agree?" Dash says "Besides, I'm much, much smarter than her as well"

"Really?" Scootaloo said "I knew it! I told the girls you were the smartest pony in town, but they didn't believe me!"

"Speaking of which, what happened to Larry & Curly?" Dash asked "Aren't you three always together?"

"You mean Applebloom and Sweetie Belle? They're following other leads. We're in the middle of an investigation"

"You mentioned that" Dash said, referring to when they were all at Rarity's place "What exactly are you investigating?"

"What exactly are you building?" Scootaloo retorted with a smirk

Dash raised an eyebrow. It almost looked like she just felt a little bit more of respect for the little filly.

"I'm building a suit of armor" she answered "To fight Discord"

"Discord?!" Scootaloo asked shocked "He's back?!"

"Yep" Dash says "Now, it's your turn. What are you investigating?"

"I'm not supposed to tell you that, but… Pinkie is actually a fugitive called Spruce!"

Dash covers her mouth to not laugh "Really?" she snickers

"Yeah! We still don't know what she did, but we believe she actually kills ponies and turns them into cupcakes!"

That did it. Dash bursts out laughing.

"You got it all wrong, kid" Dash said, drying her tears

"So, Pinkie's not a fugitive?" Scootaloo asked

"Oh, no. She is" Dash said "But she never turned anyone into cupcakes. She just turns into a destructive green monster when she's angry. She's also from another dimension. And she's actually a boy"

Scootaloo frowns "This is not a joke! I'm serious!"

"Okay, okay, sorry, kid" Dash said, still laughing "What do you expect to get from this investigation, anyway?"

"Long-term? A Cutie Mark"

"That thing in your butts, right?" Dash said, going back to her work "Back where I'm from, if you want a picture in your ass, you just go to a Tattoo Parlor. But you're way too young for that. You three really want a Mark, don't you?"

"More than anything!" Scootaloo said "We've tried everything! And we still have a list of many other things we can try at the clubhouse!"

"Have you three tried to kidnap Sandy Claws yet?" Dash asked

"Who?"

"Never mind, it's just a joke" Dash said "Why it's so important to you?"

"Why?! Because… because… because…" Scootaloo was lost for words "Because I just really want to know what I'm supposed to do with my life… what I was born to do…" Scootaloo's face lights up, like she finally realized why it meant so much to her.

"I can understand that…" Dash said, still focused on her work

"Well, that and the fact that Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon are always picking on us for not having Cutie Marks" Scootaloo frowned "Were you bullied when you were younger?"

"Nah. Bullies usually pester the smart kids but they never pestered me because I had something that the other smart kids didn't"

"What?" Scootaloo asks

"Lawyers" Dash replied "Could you pass me that wrench, Harley?"

"What did you call me?" Scootaloo asked, confused

"Uh… I think I called you 'Harley'…" Dash looked confused herself

"And why did you do that?"

"I don't know. You look like a Harley to me" Rainbow Dash said "What was your name again? Scooby-Doo?"

"It's Scootaloo" Scootaloo said, a little hurt

"Yeah, okay, that name is a little too weird to me" Dash said "Is it okay if I just call you 'kid'?"

"I guess…" Scootaloo said, a little down

"Hey! Don't be like that" Dash said "C'mon, help me out here. Maybe you'll get a Cootie Mark for 'Armor Forging' or something"

"Okay" Scootaloo smiled and went towards the table

Meanwhile, near Rarity's place…

Sweetie Belle and Applebloom are ready to enter when, suddenly, the door opens and Applejack steps out, dressed in an uniform with the colors and symbols of the Equestrian flag and carrying a helmet with the letter 'E' engraved in front.

"Oh, hi, there, girls" Applejack greets them "You need something?"

"Oh, hey" Sweetie Belle said "We were just looking for my sister… why are you dressed like that?"

"I'm sorry, but your sister is very tired" Applejack apologized "She's sleeping now and I don't think you should disturb her"

"Oh, okay then… where are you going?"

"To the City Hall" Applejack answered "I need to speak to the mayor. We have to gather everyone to prepare them for the confront against Discord"

"Discord?!" the two said at the same time

Applejack turned to them "Look, things may get ugly in the next few hours. It's not safe for kids like you to be out here. So, find shelter and stay safe. Okay, little sister?" Applejack asked Applebloom

"Uh… okay"

"Good" Applejack smiled, putting her helmet on and trotted towards the City Hall "Stay out of the streets!" she shouted one last time

"Why was she dressed like that?" Sweetie Belle asked

"Something doesn't feel right…" Applebloom said

"Darn right, it doesn't!"

"What?!" Applebloom and Sweetie Belle looked both sides, confused

"Over here!" Gilda says and lands in front of them "I'm sorry, I don't have much time. I don't know who I can trust right now, but you fillies seem to be noticing that something's fishy"

"Who are ya?" Applebloom asked "What are ya talkin' about?"

"I'm Gilda" Gilda said "And I've been following you. Well, first I've been following Fluttershy, but then I saw you girls at the Ghastly Gorge following her too. So, I thought you might share my concerns and could help me put an end to this"

"Concerns?" Sweetie Belle asked

"Put an end to this?" Applebloom asked "Put an end to what?"

"Those ponies are not who they appear to be" Gilda said, enigmatically

"Oh, so you know about Spruce?" Sweetie Belle asked

"Spruce?" Gilda seemed surprised

"Yeah, that's Pinkie's real name" Sweetie Belle said "She's a fugitive"

Gilda paused "This goes deeper than I thought…" she says to herself "Girls, I don't know how to tell this, but I think Pinkie and her friends are all impostors. And that include your sisters"

"What?!" Applebloom said, skeptical

"I already know that Rainbow Dash was replaced by somepony or… something… and Fluttershy definitely showed a new face earlier today. And now you two tell me that Pinkie's not Pinkie? No, this is much more diabolical than I imagined earlier. Everypony could be compromised…"

"What are ya babblin' about?" Applebloom insisted in her skepticism

"Dash's so-called friends replaced her!" Gilda says "I have reasons to believe that that weird machine they were building at the farm may have something to do with it. I can't investigate much further. I don't exactly have a subtle figure and I'm really not much liked around here, but you! You two are related to them! You can dig deeper! With your help, we can stop them!"

"Why should we believe ya?" Applebloom asked

"Believe what you want" Gilda says and begins to take flight "Soon you'll see the truth. I just hope it won't be too late"

"Do you think she's telling the truth?" Sweetie Belle asked after the griffon flew away "I mean, the grown ups have all been acting weird lately… even your sister"

"I don't know…" Applebloom said "But we need to meet up with the others"

Back at the barn…

"This is really fun!" Scootaloo said, welding something under Rainbow Dash's guidance

"And you're actually really good at this" Dash said "You may have a future on the metallurgy business"

Scootaloo smiled. Her smile faded when she looked at her blank flank "I'm not good enough for a Cutie Mark…"

"Kid, seriously, you need to stop being so obsessed about these marks. It's preventing you from appreciating your achievements" Dash said "So what if you didn't get a picture of a blowtorch on your buttocks? You're really good at something that you have never tried before! Isn't that enough?"

"But it's not my special talent!" Scootaloo said

"I still don't see a reason for that sad face" Dash said "I mean, think about it: If you're already this good at something that's not your 'special talent', then whatever that special talent is, kid, you're gonna be spectacular at it!"

"You really think so?"

"I'm sure of it!" Dash smirked "And I'm never wrong"

Scootaloo beamed "You're the best big sister ever!"

Rainbow Dash paused for a moment. She then dismissed the compliment "Pfft. Yeah, whatever you say, kid. Don't get too sappy with me or I'm gonna throw up"

"Oh. Oh, right… that was really uncool of me, wasn't it?" Scootaloo said, embarrassed

"You know what's uncool?" Dash said "Saying 'uncool'"

"Scootaloo, are you there?" Featherweight asked, entering the barn

"Oh, look!" Dash said "It's the paparazzi! Are you one of the Three Musketeers?"

"Uh… you mean the Crusaders?" Featherweight said "I guess… but we're actually four now…"

"And so were the Three Musketeers" Dash replied

"Featherweight!" Scootaloo said "What are you doing here?"

"Applebloom and Sweetie Belle want us to meet with them at the clubhouse" Featherweight said "It looks like it's important"

"I'm in the middle of something here" Scootaloo said

"You and D'Artagnan go ahead" Dash dismissed her "I can finish this alone. Thanks for the help, though. And remember what I said: Appreciate your little victories"

"Thanks" Scootaloo said "Bye"

"Just fuck off already!" Dash said and went back to her work while Featherweight and Scootaloo trotted towards the CMC HQ.

At the clubhouse, Applebloom walks in circles, impatient, while Sweetie Belle counts the nails on the boards to distract herself. As soon as Scootaloo and Featherweight enter the club, Applebloom turns to them "Did you learn anything?"

"Yes! I learned how to weld!" Scootaloo said

Applebloom looks confused "What?"

"Rainbow Dash was building a suit of armor! And I helped!" Scootaloo said, happily "Oh, and apparently Discord's back!"

"Yeah, Applejack told us that too" Applebloom said "Anything else?"

"Nope. She made fun of our Cupcakes theory" Applebloom frowns at the mention of the 'Cupcakes theory' "And she didn't say anything about that weird machine because… I forgot to ask her about it…" Scootaloo looks embarrassed

"She probably wouldn't answer you anyway…" Sweetie Belle said from her corner

"What do you mean?" Scootaloo says

"So… Rainbow Dash was buildin' a suit of armor, huh?" Applebloom asked her "Didn't that struck ya as weird?"

"Well, yeah, but… she told me she always built stuff when she was younger" Scootaloo said "That was just another layer of her awesomeness!"

Applebloom stares at her, gives a brief nod, and resumes her circle-walking.

"Okay, seriously, what's going on?" Scootaloo asks, annoyed

"What if I told ya that that pony ya were talkin' to in the barn wasn't Rainbow Dash?" Applebloom asked

"What?!"

"Gilda told us that Rainbow Dash was replaced by another pony" Sweetie Belle said "And that may be happening to all the other grown ups too"

"What? No! That's ridiculous! And who the fuck is Gilda anyway?"

"Is it? Is it ridiculous, Scootaloo?" Sweetie Belle said "Almost everypony have been acting weird lately! Sometimes they don't even seem to remember us! What if they're not who they say they are? What if my sister's nex—RARITY! Applejack said that she was too tired and we couldn't see her! What if she was lying and they actually got my sister and she's being replaced right now?!" she cried

"Calm down, Sweetie Belle" Applebloom said "We're all scared…"

"I'm not scared, because this is ridiculous!" Scootaloo insisted

"And your stupid cupcakes theory isn't?" Applebloom snapped at her

"I DON'T KNOW!" Scootaloo said "Maybe it is! Maybe it isn't! Maybe this is all Discord's fault! Or are we just gonna ignore the fact that he escaped? Maybe Discord is into the Cupcakes Conspiracy too!"

"FUCK'S SAKE, SCOOTALOO!" Applebloom shouted

Wow… These girls really are crazy Featherweight thought as he observed them But you know what? This is actually fun!

"But if Pinkie and Discord are working together, we're doomed!" Sweetie Belle said "I mean, one of them is a deranged reality-warping lunatic! And the other one is Discord! What we're gonna do?!"

"We don't know if they're working together!" Applebloom said "We don't even know if Discord really escaped!"

"Oh, but we all know that Rainbow Dash is an evil clone!" Scootaloo said, sarcastically

"No, we don't know that either" Applebloom said much to Scootaloo's surprise "As a matter of fact, we don't know anything! That's why I prepared Operation A.C.R.O.N.Y.M.!"Applebloom points at a paper banner that she had just fixated on the wall

OPERATION A.C.R.O.N.Y.M.

Another
Careful
Recon
Ought to
Nourish
Your
Mission

"I came up with the acronym!" Sweetie Belle said, proud

"What the hay does that even mean?" Scootaloo asked

"It means, Scootaloo, that if we really want to know what's goin' on, we need to go back to everywhere we've gone before, talk to everypony we've talked to before. And if we find nothing, we'll do it all over again. And we'll keep doin' it until we find something" Applebloom said "Somepony's been lyin' to us, girls… and Featherweight. Maybe it's Gilda, maybe it's Applejack, maybe it's Rainbow Dash, or maybe it's the Cakes. Maybe everypony's been lyin' to us and the truth is still out there! Well, we'll find it! The grown ups are always lyin' to us, because they think we can't handle the truth! They think they're protectin' us by shieldin' us from the truth! But they're wrong! We're not gonna be in the dark any longer! We'll find out what's goin' on whether they like it or not! WHATEVER IT TAKES!"

Featherweight, Scootaloo, and Sweetie Belle stared at Applebloom, speechless.

"This is it, girls. No more kid play. This is the moment of truth. The moment to uncover the truth. The tide is risin'"

TO BE CONTINUED...

In the next episode of The Rift…

"I'm sorry to inform you, Rainbow Dash, but you have a tumor on both wings" Nurse Redheart said "We'll have to amputate"

"I've never told this to anypony before" Discord begins to say "but I was married once… to Celestia"

"SPIKE! NO! STOP! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" Rarity cries

"If I can't have you, then nopony will!" Spike shouts and shoots Rarity three times before killing himself

"Everypony thinks of us as just a humble family of farmers, but nopony knows our secret" Applejack narrates "Until now. This is our story. The Apples: Vampire Hunters"

"Hi, my name is Fluttershy" Fluttershy introduces herself to her support group "and I'm a sex addict"

"Told ya girls this marijuana thing was awesome!" Applebloom says to her friends as they get high

"Yes, it's true!" Pinkie confesses, crying "Mr. Cake and I are having an affair!"

"You killed my mother!" Twilight yells, furious

"No, Twilight" Luna replies "I am your mother!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Twilight screams

"Celestia is dead!" the citizens sing "All hail our new leader, Empress Derpy!"

…none of the above will happen.