The Rift

"Where to begin?

Let's start with the end

These black and white photos

Don't capture the skin

From the flash of a gun

To a soldier who's done

Trust me, grandson

The war was in color"

-The War Was In Color, Carbon Leaf

CHAPTER NINE

MORE AMERICAN THAN APPLE PIE

"You do realize that you're basically kissing their feet, right?" Stark reprimanded Thor

"It's courtesy, Stark" Thor replies

"It's bullshit, that's what it is"

"Ahem…" Trixie clears her throat "I, the Great and Powerful Trixie, was informed that your resident spell-caster, the mediocre Twilight Sparkle, was lost in the mists of the cosmos, trading her physical form with the one you call Thor, reducing her already unimpressive skills to…"

"Twilight is not mediocre!" Fluttershy says

"Did I give you permission to talk?" Trixie snaps at Fluttershy

"N-no… but…"

"Then zip it! I trotted all the way from home to help your ungrateful, undeserving magic-less butts! So, unless you can do magic or anything useful at all other than crying like a little baby, I'd suggest you put yourself in your place and shut up!"

"O-okay…" Fluttershy cowers "I will…"

"You better" Trixie says

Angel frowns at Trixie. He wouldn't let anypony talk to her owner like that, so he nails his sharp teeth in her hoof.

"OUCH! YOU PEST!" Trixie yells, shaking her hoof, trying to make Angel lose his grip

"No! Stop it!" Stark says, grabbing Angel "Silly rabbit! Trixie is for kids!"

"You're lucky I'm feeling benevolent today" Trixie tells the rabbit "or else I could transform you into a carrot"

"Yeah, I doubt that" Applejack says under her breath

"This party isn't feeling very festive…" Pinkie says, looking a bit down

"Hey! Don't be like that! We even brought a magician to your party!" Stark says

"Really? Will you make some balloon animals for us?" Pinkie asks Trixie, hopping happily again

"I'm not a clown!" Trixie hisses

"No, she will make some nifty tricks for us down in the basement, right Tinkerbell?" Stark says "As a matter of fact, we better do it as soon as possible because she charges per hour"

"Wait, basement?" Trixie asks Stark "You promised me an audience!"

"Yeah, but we don't know if this is gonna work, do we? What if it fails?" Stark says "Do you really want to have your first try in front of dozens of judgmental ponies? Wouldn't you rather 'rehearse' first?"

Trixie stops to think "Well, I guess you… Wait a minute! If it works, you guys will be out of here and I'll have nothing to show! You're trying to trick me!"

"Oh, well, you got me" Stark says "Here's what we're gonna do: We'll go down the basement and see if you can do what Twilight failed to. If you can, one of us, me, will go while the other stays. This way you're gonna have one of us, Thor, still here for you to use for your little show tomorrow in front of all of Ponyville! How does that sound?"

"How do I know you won't all go together and ditch me here with empty hooves?"

"Thor will give you his word he'll stay" Stark says "And Thor never breaks his word, right buddy?"

Thor looks embarrassed "Well…"

"What?" Stark asks

"I believe it would be dishonest of my part to say I've never faulted on my word" Thor confesses "I've promised dear Jane I would return for her, but Loki's misdeeds have prevented me from fulfilling my promise"

"Jane? Who's Jane?" Stark asks

"My beloved" Thor answers "The mortal woman who showed me the true value of Midgard's…"

"Ho, ho, ho, Thor, you ladykiller you!" Rainbow Stark interrupts "You didn't tell me you had a girlfriend! Went for a vacation trip and fell for a local girl, huh? But let me warn you: These 'Summer Love' things, I don't want to rain in your parade, but they hardly ever last. Not that you can't make it work, no, you may, but it will be hard to maintain a 'long-distance relationship'. Especially now that you were 'in town' for a 'business trip' but couldn't find time to meet her. It will get ugly for you… If it was Pepper, she would sentence me one month in the couch. Minimum."

"Pepper and Tony, Pepperoni" Pinkie laughs "Jane and Thor, Janitor"

"Well, anyways, this was an isolated case" Stark turns to Trixie "Thor is still a very trustworthy guy and he will be here for you. I mean, who cares if you save me, 'Rainbow Dash', in secret if you still can save 'Twilight' for everyone to see?"

"Ok, but you better fulfill your part of the deal" Trixie says

"We will. Now, everybody to the basement" Tony says, as everypony moves down the stairs

"We are going down the base-e-ment" Pinkie sings "Trixie has a lot of resen-tee-ment!"

"Stop singing or I'll turn you into a frog" Trixie says

"After you, beautiful" Rainbow Stark tells Applejack, holding the door for her See, Thor? I can be courteous too…

Applejack blushes "Don't call me beautiful…"

"You prefer 'ugly' then?" Stark asks

Applejack just frowns and enters the basement

MENTAL NOTE: Freckles feels really uncomfortable when I act like I'm courting her. Must exploit this weakness as much as possible. Stark smiles to himself

Once they were all in the basement, Stark explains the situation to Trixie "So, you see, Twilight shot her beam through the Elements, but it went back, concentrating on her Element of Voodoo before hitting her, which caused the swap. The problem is that this shouldn't have happened. It concentrated on this Element" Stark points at the Eight Point Star gem "when it should have concentrated on THIS Element" Stark points at the Lightning gem "the one that started all of this: The Element of Lesbianism"

"The Element of Loyalty" Applejack corrects, annoyed

"I knew it started with an 'L'" Stark replies

"And, of course, Twilight screwed up" Trixie says "Don't worry, Stark, I, the great and powerful Trixie, will…"

"Wait! Not yet!" Stark says, moving towards Applejack "This may be the last time we'll see each other, my beautiful little pony"

"Thank Celestia for that" Applejack says "And stop calling me beautiful… or ugly!"

"I just want to say… when I woke up here, in this strange, strange world, the sight of your rustic beauty and the sound of your sexy accent were a blessing in the middle of the confusion, a ray of light, bursting through the dark clouds. 'Is this Heaven?' I asked myself…" Stark says "Have I ever told you I have a thing for blondies with freckles?"

Applejack blushes "Stark, no, stop!"

"…I know, I know. It's hard for me too" Stark continues "I know you wish we could be together but, darling, it just wasn't meant to be…"

"Stark, shut up!"

"…had we met in another life, we would be able to fulfill our torrid love story…"

"Stark, shut the hay up!"

"…but I have Pepper and you have Buzz Lightyear…"

"Stark… Stop…" Applejack insists

"…just remember: We will always have Paris. And by Paris, I mean Rarity's front porch"

"Are you two done?" Trixie asks, impatient

"Yeah, we're done" Stark says "Right, Applejill?"

"My name is Applejack!" Applejack replied, annoyed

"Yeah, but that's only because your parents wanted a boy"

"Mares and stallions! May I have your attention? I, the great and powerful Trixie, am here as the harbinger of bad and good news. Despite being…"

"Excuse me, what the fuck are you doing?" Stark interrupts her

"Rehearsing my speech. The one I'll do for my presentation tomorrow" Trixie answers "You said this would be like a rehearsal, didn't you?"

Stark sighs "Yeah, I did…"

"So… From the beginning" Trixie says "Mares and stallions! May I have your attention? I, the great and powerful Trixie, am here as the harbinger of bad and good news. Your local magic protector Twilight Sparkle has been cursed with a horrible fate: she's no longer able to do magic. But do not fear! Despite being once casted out of your town, I, in my magnanimity, forgive you from your foolish mistake, and…"

While Trixie kept babbling, Rainbow Stark raises his eyebrows suggestively at Applejack.

What? Applejack mouths at him, annoyed

In response, Stark licks his lips, slowly.

Applejack blushes and looks away.

Stark smiles to himself

Oh, my God! She's still talking? Stark thinks, once he realizes Trixie wasn't finished yet

"You sure like the sound of your own voice, huh?" Stark interrupts Trixie's speech

"And ya don't?" Applejack asks

"First, this is not my voice. Second, yes, I do"

"Ahem!" Trixie says "May I continue?"

"C'mon, now! You don't need to rehearse that!" Stark says "You're a natural at bullshitting. I'm sure you can improvise something great tomorrow. We just need to test the 'magic' part of your act, so, twitch your nose, Samantha"

"Twitch… my nose?" Trixie asks, confused

"Bewitched. It's a classic" Stark answers "Look, just do your magic thing, would ya?"

Trixie looks like she's about to protest, but she just frowns "Fine"

Charging up her horn, Trixie shoots a beam into the Element of Magic. From there, it passes through the Element of Laughter to the Element of Honesty and…

…and it stays there.

"Wait. That's it?" Stark says "You need to pass through all of it! You can't even pass half!"

"If you think this is so easy" Trixie hisses, trying her hardest to make the beam pass through "why don't you do it yourself?"

"Good idea! Wait… what's this I have on my head?" Stark says "Oh, it's 'NOT a horn'!"

Trixie ignores him, and keeps concentrating on her beam, sweating profusely.

"I can't believe you got stuck in the middle!" Stark continues "Sparkle not only managed to hit the end, but it also went all the way back! And you can't make it pass the middle! Well, I guess this wasn't a complete failure… we managed to gauge how much better than you Twilight is: Four Times!"

For a fraction of a second, Trixie looks like she's about to cry, but that's quickly replaced by a look of murderous rage.

"RAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHHHHHHHH!" Trixie screams, putting every single ounce of magic of her body into her beam. But the Apple shaped gem doesn't bulge. Instead, it reflects the beam, connecting it to Applejack's forehead. Applejack's eyes begin to roll on all directions, her mouth foams, and her hooves begin to tap dance on the floor…

"Oh, no!" Stark says "The angry stage performer John Trixie Booth shot Honest Abe in the head! History repeats itself!"

"TRIXIE! STOP!" Spike yells

"NO!" she screams "I CAN DO IT!"

"No, you can't!" Stark says "You're frying her brain! Stop!"

"NO!"

"I SAID STOP!" Stark yells and punches Trixie in the face

Trixie falls, interrupting the magic beam. Applejack collapses on the floor, exhausted and disoriented. Stark puts himself over her.

"Hey, Cowboy Curtis" Stark says, gently slapping Applejack's face "You're alright?"

"Mumblghefrty?" Applejack mumbles

"Look what you did!" Stark yells at Trixie "You destroyed what little brain she had left!"

He barely finished that sentence when Applejack's hoof rose up, punching him in the face "Ya stupid jerk…" she says, faintly

"She's okay, guys!" Stark announces from the spot where he fell

"What the hay is going on in here?" Rarity asks, climbing down the stairs

"Oh, look! Sarah Jessica Parker from 'Hex and the City' decided to show up!" Stark says "What are you doing here, sunshine? Isn't it a little late? Aren't you afraid you might oversleep and miss your breakfast at Tiffany's?"

"I… I felt bad for turning you down, and decided to come here to see if I could help" Rarity answers

"Too late!" Trixie replies, fully recovered from Stark's punch "They don't need you anymore. They have me"

"Excuse me?" Rarity says, slightly offended

"This is MY moment of glory!" Trixie says "I'm gonna save Twilight Sparkle in front of everypony, and I ain't gonna let you steal my thunder, you bi—"

"Hey, hey, hey! Hold your horses!" Stark takes a moment to laugh at his own joke "I'm glad you decided to come here, Colt & Gabbana, but nobody is gonna shoot another beam at those gems until I analyze them again"

"Wait. What?" Trixie says

"This is not working" Stark says "Science demands that we try an experiment twice to see if the results were not a product of chance. But trying it a third time, when the first two times proved disastrous, and expect a different result? That's not science. That's stupidity. I need to study the gems to see what's going wrong"

"I can try harder" Trixie says

"Are you fucking deaf?" Stark asks "You ain't gonna try shit until I analyze it! You can't just keep shooting at that if it isn't gonna make any fucking difference! We're gonna have to delay this until tomorrow"

"Ya sure?" Applejack asks

"If you say so…" Rarity says

"Perhaps…" Thor starts

"NO!" Trixie yells

"Yes!" Tony yells back

"M-maybe?" Fluttershy stutters

"Fuck!" Pinkie smiles

"What?" Spike asks Pinkie

"You're not honoring our deal, Stark!" Trixie tells him, angry

"Our deal was for you to open a portal. That didn't happen" Stark says "And that won't happen until we fix this. Look, you still gonna have your chance, ok? I'll just need some time to read upon these elements to see if I can find what may be the problem"

"Can't you just think of something now?" Trixie asks, impatient

"Think of what? WHAT?!" Stark shouts "Look, I don't know shit about these fucking things! I need to gather more information! All my brainpower won't mean anything if I don't know what exactly I'm dealing with! Sometimes you can't 'just think' to solve a problem! Sometimes you have to fucking read!" Stark pauses for a moment, a feeling of dread and guilt suddenly falling upon him. He turns to Applejack and, just as he suspected, she's looking at him, a judging look on her eyes.

"Shut up" Stark tells her

"I didn't say any—" Applejack says

"SHUT UP!" Stark yells

Applejack stays quiet, but the judgment remains on her eyes

"Why won't you shut up?" Stark screams. The room fell silent, with everypony exchanging glances, except Applejack who maintains eye contact with Stark. After a few seconds, Rainbow Stark rushes upstairs and out of the basement, without saying a word.

The room stays silent.

Pinkie blows her party whistle, half-heartedly.

"I apologize for my friend's behavior. Excuse me" Thor Sparkle bows and trots after Stark. The rest soon follows.

Applejack smirks to herself. She finally got to Stark and… something's wrong… suddenly, she doesn't feel so well…

She tries to take one more step but her knees falter.

"Applejack! Are you okay?" Fluttershy asks

"I'm fine, I'm fine" she answers, slightly groggy "Just help me stand, would ya?"

Upstairs, Stark breathes heavily. He doesn't feel good. It's almost like he's having some sort of anxiety attack… he suffering from an anxiety attack? That'd be the day…

"Stark?" Rainbow Stark turns his head to see Thor approaching him "Oh, hi, Thor…"

"What happened down there? Is anything wrong?" Thor asks

"If is anything wrong? Is anything right?" Stark answers "I… I really didn't want to spend the night in this world... I'm running out of options, Thor…"

"What you need is a dose of Pinkie Pie to cheer you up!" Pinkie says, popping up out of nowhere in front of Stark

"GAH!" Stark shouts, surprised, as Pinkie grabs him and starts to dance "C'mon, Tony! Let loose and dance!"

Everypony else had arrived and were now watching the two dance, their facial expressions ranging from amused to confused.

"Pinkie, stop" Stark says to the enthusiastic pony "Pinkie. Pinkie. PINKIE!"

Pinkie finally stops, looking sad and disappointed for not being able to cheer Stark up.

"Look, I appreciate what you're trying to do. I really do. Honest" Stark says, with a small smile "But this is not the time for a party"

"But…"

"Tomorrow, okay?"

Pinkie pauses for a moment and then puts on a huge grin "Okay" From out of nowhere, she takes a yellow and pink vacuum cleaner, with the words 'PARTY VACUUM' written on the side. She turns it on, and all the balloons, confetti, banners, and all other party stuff gets sucked by the machine, leaving the library completely party-free. Pinkie waves to her friends and, like a proud soldier marching on, she leaves the library carrying the 'Party Vacuum' over her shoulder.

Stark was baffled "Are you sure that Pinkie isn't the magic one?" he asks Applejack

"Whatever it is that Pinkie can do is not magic" Applejack answers "It's… Pinkie"

"So, we're finished here?" Rarity asks "Guess I won't miss my beauty sleep, after all…"

"Your selflessness is overwhelming, Element of Generosity" Stark quipped

Insulted, Rarity frowns "Well, if that's the case, I'll stay"

"Nah. You can go. We are finished here" Stark answers

"Very well" Rarity says, with her nose up "I'll be going. Good night"

Spike dashes to the door, and holds it open for Rarity "Allow me, Rarity"

"Oh, thank you, Spike. My little gentlesteed" Rarity kisses him in the cheek "Is good to know somepony knows how to treat a lady" she turns to look at Stark, who sticks out his tongue at her

"Hmph!" Rarity interjects with scorn as she leaves the library

"Good night, Rarity" Spike says in an almost dreamy way, caressing the cheek Rarity kissed. Stark takes notice.

"So, bestiality is allowed in your world?" he asks Applejack "Kinky"

Applejack ignores Stark's question and says "Ya know what, Stark? If I was ya, I wouldn't accuse anypony 'round here of selfishness. Ya should know better than throw stones at glasshouses"

"The difference is: I never presented myself as a paradigm of righteousness like your posse with your Elements of Lollipops do" Stark replies "So, don't get mad if I call you guys on your bullshit whenever you stray from the path of virtue and perfect integrity. Like you said: Stones and Glasshouses"

"Every time I catch a glimpse of a decent fella inside ya, like when ya were talkin' with Pinkie" Applejack says "Ya come and bury that decent guy within a zillion layers of jerk…"

"Ow… how cute" Stark says "She's falling for the jerk with a heart of gold"

Applejack doesn't blush this time "Ya suck, Stark…" she simply says

"If you ask nicely…" now she blushed.

"So… I guess I'm going too…" Fluttershy says, coyly

"Oh my God! I forgot you existed!" Stark says as Applejack frowns at him.

"Farewell, Lady Ventura" Thor says

"Uh… Actually, her name is Fluttershy" Stark says "I was kidding about that 'Ace Ventura' thing"

"Fluttershy" Thor repeats "A much more fitting name for such a lovely lady" he says, kissing her hoof while Stark rolls his eyes and Fluttershy blushes.

"Oh my… t-thanks…" Fluttershy says with a little uncomfortable smile "Come Angel, it's already past your bedtime"

"You ain't getting rid of me" Trixie tells Stark after Fluttershy leaves

"What?" Stark asks

"I didn't leave my home in the middle of the night just to travel all the way back with empty hooves" Trixie says "I'll stay here until we fulfill our deal!"

Spike sighs "I guess I'll have to assemble the spare bed…"

"Spare bed?" Stark says "It's weird enough that a library has a bed, but a spare bed?"

"I'll be goin' too. It's late and… and…" Applejack begins to say, feeling dizzy "I…" she falls on the floor

"Applejack!" Spike cries

"Jack of Apples! Are you ill?" Thor asks

"I'm okay, I'm alright" Applejack says, trying to get up.

Stark assists her "No, you're not. You have to stay here"

"No, I need to go home. My… my family will be worried if…"

"Applejack, look at me" Stark says "You're groggy. You can't go back to Sweet Home Alabama like that"

"It's… Sweet Apple Acres" Applejack corrects, talking with difficulty

"Sweet Apple, huh? Was it named after you?" Stark starts his faux flirt again

Applejack doesn't answer. Stark is actually worried now.

"Well, Trixie, you're gonna have to share your bed with Applejack" Stark says

"What? No way!" Trixie protests

"Look, there are two beds and four ponies. Spike sleeps on the doghouse" Spike frowns at Stark "So, you're gonna have to choose: or you sleep with Applejack or with Thor or with me! So, what it will be?"

"S-Stark… I'm not gonna…" Applejack starts

"Quiet, gingerbread. You're not in condition to make any decisions" Stark says and then turns to Trixie "Well?"

"I'm thinking! I'm thinking!" Trixie yells. What decision could she make? Share a bed with one of the three ponies that she hates the most in the world? Applejack, Twilight Sparkle, or Rainbow Dash? Well, Rainbow Dash and Twilight Sparkle aren't themselves anymore, so that's a plus. Stark is a pain, but Thor is that stupid mule Twilight! What to do? What to do?

"Well?" Stark repeats

"Fine!" Trixie says in defeat "I pick Thor"

Stark smirks "Decided on your little rival, huh? Well, they always say love and hate walk together…"

"Shut up" Trixie replies, annoyed "It was the lesser of two… I mean, three evils"

"Whatever helps you sleep" Stark says and then turns to Applejack "Looks like you'll be sleeping with me"

"Darn…" Applejack mumbles

"Don't worry" Stark tries to reassure her, helping her go upstairs "Maybe you won't have to sleep with me… Maybe you'll have the entire bed for yourself while I spend the night working on the basement. How about that?"

Applejack gives a faint smile "L-like I said, Stark… Sometimes… ya can be nice, but…"

"But I'm a big jerk" Stark completes "I know. I'll try to compensate you. Here, let me kiss your hoof, since you're the only pony whose hoof Thor didn't kiss"

"Stark… Please, no…" Applejack protests

"I insist" Stark gives a respectful bow, and kisses Applejack's hoof

Applejack blushes, but it wasn't so bad. "T-thanks, Stark… I appreciate…"

Stark kisses her hoof again…

"Uh, Stark…?"

…and again…

"Stark, s-stop…"

…and again and again and…

"STARK!"

Rainbow Stark stops. He looks mischievously at Applejack, kisses her in the cheek, and, seductively, whispers in her ear "Sweet dreams, sugar cube"

If somepony who has never before met Applejack entered the room at that moment, they probably would ask themselves why her body was orange while her head was red.

Applejack takes her hoof out of Stark's grip "I can go to bed on my own, thank you" she says, coldly, and climbs the stairs alone.

Stark climbs down to meet the others, smiling "She's so gonna dream about that and she's so gonna feel guilty in the morning"

"You enjoy being annoying, don't you, Stark?" Spike says

"Is there something not to enjoy about being annoying?" Stark asks

Before anypony could answer, the unconscious body of Applejack falls down the stairs until it drops right in the middle of them.

"Jack of Apples!"

"Shit! My sex appeal was too much for her to handle!"

"Stark! This is no time for your jests!" Thor reprimands "The noble Applejack may be seriously hurt!"

"I know, I know. Sorry" Stark apologizes "Fuck. I should have escorted her all the way upstairs regardless of her protests…"

"Hey, she's coming back!" Spike says, as Applejack blinks her eyes

"Howdy, partner!" Stark greets with a forced accent "Don't just sit there like a lazy dog! Rise up and go to the barn! Those cow tits won't squeeze themselves!"

Applejack looks confused for a second, before fully comprehending the situation "They're called udder, Stark" she gets up, annoyed

"Pfft. Whatever. I'm not a farmer like you…"

"I'm not a farmer either. I'm just not a pervert like you"

"Pervert? I… Wait, you're talking without an accent?!" Stark said. Applejack's voice seemed so strange without an accent. Why, it almost sounded like Rainbow Stark's current voice…

Applejack looks at Thor and Trixie "Which one of you two is Thor?" she asks

Trixie points at Thor.

"Wait a sec. You… You're not Applejack, are you?" Stark asks

"I don't know. Am I?"

"Clint?" Stark guessed

"Steve" Steve Jack answered

"Steve, huh?" Stark says "Well, welcome to the Island of Lesbos"

"Island of Lesbos? Don't you mean Equestria?" Steve says

"Well, it might as well be. I haven't seen a single Y chromosome ever since I got here" Stark says "There's only girls here"

"Ahem!" Spike coughs

"Well, except for the slave" Stark continues

"I'M NOT A SLAVE!" Spike yells

"Are you in charge of taking care of the house?" Stark asks

"You mean the library?" Spike says "Uh… yes"

"Do you do anything that Twilight orders you?"

"I wouldn't say order…"

"Do you have the right to at least one vacation per year?"

"What? Uh… no"

"Are dragons considered inferior to or, at least, less civilized than ponies?"

"What does that have to do…"

"Have you ever gone anywhere without Twilight's permission?"

"I…"

"Do you receive payment for your services?"

"…no"

"You're a slave" Stark says. Trixie chuckles.

Steve and Spike frowns "I apologize for Stark's lack of tact, Mister?" Steve tells Spike

"Oh, right, introductions" Stark says "Guys, this is Steve Rogers. Steve, this is Spike, Trixie, Thor who's now Twilight Sparkle, and I'm Rainbow Dash"

"…and I'm Applejack, is that right?" Steve concludes

"Princess Applejack" Stark says "The secret identity of Wonder Mare! Who forces bad guys to be completely honest with her lasso of truth! On the plus side, you still can wear a star-spangled outfit"

Steve Jack stares at Rainbow Stark, unamused.

"Yeah, you're Applejack" Stark says "You live in the Kent Farm, on the outskirts of Smallville"

"Ponyville" Spike corrects

"By the way, how did you know we were we?" Stark asks

"The pony who replaced you called herself Rainbow Dash. You're the one with the rainbow hair" Steve explains "She then said that her friend, who had replaced Thor, was a unicorn. There are two unicorns here. I just had to ask"

"Nice job, Nancy Drew" Stark replies "Are you… not even slightly disturbed by this?"

"A little bit" Steve says "But it didn't take long for me to figure out what was going on…"

"Well, neither did I! But at least I freaked out a little bit when I found out I was a horse!" Stark says "You… You just accepted it! I mean, I can understand Thor accepting it. He's from Imaginationland already. But you? How can you be so cool about this? Are you a fucking robot?"

"I'm a soldier" Steve says "To solve a situation, you must first acknowledge it. You don't waste time asking how it's possible. You accept it is possible, because it's happening. So you focus on a way to…"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. Spare me the sermon" Stark interrupts him

"Did you catch Discord?" Steve asks

All eyes turn to him. "Who?" Stark asks

"Discord. According to Loki and Twilight…"

"You talked to Loki? Why? When?"

"Loki found out that there was something blocking the portals" Steve explains

"Well, I guess he's right" Stark says "But still…"

"…and Twilight thinks is this Discord guy's fault" Steve concludes

"It couldn't be Discord, Steve" Spike says "He's petrified on the… oh!"

"Oh? Oh what?" Stark asks

"He's… no longer there…" Spike says, a chill going down his spine

"Who's no longer there?" Stark asks

"Discord" Spike says "He's a very powerful and very evil monster. He was petrified on the backyard, but… he's no longer there…"

"You had an evil God on your backyard, who could be the cause of all this, who disappeared" Stark asks, angry "And you didn't tell me… you didn't tell anyone about that?"

"I thought Princess Celestia had sent somepony to remove him" Spike tries to explain himself

"That's it. You're fired"

"You can't fire me!"

"You're right" Stark turns to Thor Sparkle "Thor, fire him"

Thor just stares blankly at Stark

"You have no idea what 'firing' someone means, do you?" Stark asks

"He's a dragon" Thor says "I'm sure he can 'fire' himself"

"He just committed a mistake, Stark" Steve chimes in "He can't be fired because of that"

"You're right. Slaves aren't fired. They're killed or sold" Stark turns to Spike "We'll search for a buyer in the morning. You better hope we find it"

"I'm not a slave!" Spike says, annoyed

"Hey!" Trixie interrupts "Now that we know what's causing the portals to go wrong, we don't need to wait until tomorrow! We can solve this now!"

"You wish it was that simple, didn't you, David Copperfailed?" Stark says "Spike, how did your friends undo Discord's magic?"

"Uh… it was with…" Spike starts

"The Elements of Harmony" Spike and Stark say in unison.

"See? Back to the drawing board" Stark tells Trixie "But we do have somewhere to start our research now. We now know there's some kind of magic shit blocking the portal. We need to find a way to dissolve it. But, as I said earlier, it's too late for that now. Thor, you and Trixie will…"

"I pick Steve" Trixie says

"What?" Stark said "You already picked Thor"

"That's when Thor was the least horrible choice" Trixie says "Now Steve is. I pick Steve"

"Okay then"

"Pick me? For what?" Steve asks

"You're gonna sleep with her" Stark answers

Steve blushes "And I don't have a say in that? Stark, I don't feel comfortable with this. I must protest…"

"You're not going to fuck her, Steve" Stark says "You're just going to share a bed"

"That's not the point, I… Oh, what the heck, alright, I'll do it" Steve sighs and follows Trixie upstairs "Good night you three"

"I will retreat to my chambers as well, Man of Iron" Thor bows in reverence

"You're not gonna kiss my hoof now, are you?" Stark says "Anyways, night for you too. Me and the slave will just clean up the room, and then we meet with you upstairs"

Thor nods and climbs the stairs. Irritated, Spike turns to Stark

"I'm not a slave" Spike insists "I'm part of the family!"

"Of course you are, Uncle Remus" Stark says, indifferent "I bet all the ponies are glad that you're so kind, useful, and indoctrinated unlike the other savages of your race who are too stupid and primitive to accept the pony way of life"

"Exactly!" Spike says, proudly

"Oh, boy" Stark sighs "So innocent..."

On the wall, there was a picture of Twilight Sparkle with her five friends, having a picnic during happier times. Suddenly, a seventh figure appears on the portrait. Discord.

Darn it. They're onto him. He was hoping nopony would find out about his hex, but if this 'Tony Stark' discovers a way to dissolve his aura of chaos, and he shows it to Trixie or Rarity… Well, he must prevent that from happening, mustn't he? He will wait no longer. Tomorrow morning, Equestria will wake up a little more chaotic…

And with a mischievous plan forming on his mind, Discord leaves the frame.

One second later, he returns to the photo. With a sharpie, he draws a moustache on Twilight's face. Cackling, he leaves again.

The next morning, Rarity and Fluttershy met outside the library. After a little cordial small talk, they enter the building… uh, tree… 'Tree building'? 'Tree house'? 'Tree library'? 'Library carved in a tree'? Just library?

Once inside, they are greeted by the sight of piles and piles of books taken from the now virtually empty shelves with Rainbow Stark, Thor Odinson, Trixie, Steve Jack, and Spike each reading a book.

"Oh, look! The dressmaker and the zookeeper have arrived!" Stark says, from behind his pile of books "Take a seat, old chaps"

"There are no seats…" Fluttershy says

"Then sit on the floor. Do I have to do all the thinking around here? Jeez" Stark replies "While you're at it: Choose a pile and grab a book"

"Good morning for you too" Rarity says, irritated

"Good morning. I apologize for my friend's lack of manners" Steve Jack said "Ms…?"

Rarity just stares at Steve, before she whimpers "Not you too…"

"Rarity, Steve. Steve, Rarity" Stark says, without taking his eyes off of his book

"Pleased to meet you, ma'am. Sorry we had to meet under these circumstances" Steve says and then turns to Fluttershy "And you are?"

"F-Fluttershy…" Fluttershy replies

"Pleased to meet you, Fluttershy"

"Okay, now that we've gone through the formalities" Stark says "Would you two grab a book or what?"

"We're researching ways to dissolve Discord's spell that's interfering with the…" Steve starts

"Wait, WHAT?!" Rarity shouts "Discord?!"

"Don't ask me. Ask Son of Godzilla" Stark points to Spike

"I thought Princess Celestia had sent somepony…" Spike mutters

"Tell that to the judge" Stark says

"B-but… Discord is trapped in the statue…" Fluttershy stutters, afraid

"Yeah, well, where's the statue, sweetheart?" Stark asks "It's not here anymore…"

"But if Discord is free, there should be chaos" Rarity says

"I thought the same thing" Spike says

"Why isn't there any chaos?" Rarity asks

"I don't know" Stark answers "Maybe his powers aren't fully recovered yet. Maybe he took a vacation. Maybe he found Jesus. How the hell should I know?"

"What we're gonna do?" Fluttershy cries "If Discord is free, without the Elements, how would we be able to stop him this time?"

"Less whining and more researching would be a good first step" Stark replies "See, it was exactly for something like this that I made the contingency plan"

"What contingency plan?" Rarity asks

"The suit" Stark replies "The armor I asked you to redesign for me"

"Okay, so why are you not using it?" Rarity asks

"I would, but I don't have the necessary materials to build it" Stark explains "I sent Butterfly here…

"Fluttershy" Rarity corrects

"Close enough. I sent her to find a mine of iron and/or gold, but she hasn't…"

"Actually" Fluttershy says "I've found the mine yesterday…"

"You did?" Stark says "Why didn't you say so?"

Fluttershy's eye twitches "I'VE BEEN TRYING TO!" she roars to everyone and everypony's surprise.

"I-I'm sorry… I shouldn't have yelled…" Fluttershy says, embarrassed

"You managed to anger Fluttershy" Spike says "Congratulations, Stark. You're the Unbearable Jerk of the Year"

"Keep the trophy. I have three of those" Stark quipped and then turned to Fluttershy "So you found the mine? Great! Now, why don't you take a cart and bring me a big nice chunk of metal?"

"Going to the mine? A-alone?" Fluttershy asks

"Yeah. Why?"

"Mines are dark and scary…"

"So?" Stark says "It's just a cave. I've spent three months living in one. Quit being a pussy"

Steve frowns and raises his hoof "I'll go with her"

"You will?" Stark asks

"You will?" Fluttershy asks

"Sure, going for a walk, carrying a cart full of heavy metal… I could use the exercise" Steve says

"Fine with me" Stark says

"Lead the way, ma'am" Steve tells Fluttershy, and together they leave the library.

"I don't understand, Stark" Rarity says "How can somepony like you, have such nice friends like Thor and Steve?"

"Maybe it's because I'm so incredibly awesome?"

"No" Rarity says, unimpressed "It's definitely something else"

On the way to the mine, Steve (who's drawing the cart) and Fluttershy have a little talk.

"I appreciate you're coming with me, I really do" Fluttershy says "But I didn't want to cause any inconvenience…"

"No problem, ma'am. No problem at all" Steve replies "I hope Stark didn't bother you too much"

"Bother me? Oh no, he didn't bother me. He… mostly ignored me…" Fluttershy says, sad "I'm… a little used to being ignored…"

Steve thinks back to the time before he got the Super Soldier Serum, when everyone thought he was too weak and frail to fight, when he was too shy to talk to a girl, even the ones Bucky convinced to go to a date with him, girls who would usually stare at him with disdain and, sometimes, even disgust…

"Believe me, I know how that feels" Steve says "Don't let it get to you. You have wonderful friends who'll be always at your side. And, one day, you'll find the right partner, someone who'll never ignore you. I promise you that"

Fluttershy smiles, slightly embarrassed "Thanks, I… Oh, we're here"

Steve and Fluttershy stop, right at the entrance of a dark cave. Tiny echoes from nocturne animals are heard. Fluttershy cowers and silently moans. Steve enters the mine.

"You'll stay here?" he turns his head to ask Fluttershy

"I… I…"

"You'll keep guard until I come back? Good idea" Steve says "I feel safer already with you having my back"

Fluttershy hangs her head "You're mocking me…"

"What?! No! I'm serious" Steve replies "I have complete trust in you"

Fluttershy raises her head to look at Steve and… she believes him! There's something about him, the way he talks, the way he smiles, the way he looks at you… It exhales confidence, trust… It makes you believe… It makes you feel like you can… You start to believe in yourself, because he believes in you. It's his gift.

Fluttershy suddenly showcases a much more confident expression on her face "Ok. Don't hurt yourself in there"

Steve chuckles "I won't" and he disappears from sight inside the darkness.

…and that's when Fluttershy's short-lived bravado disappears too.

Suddenly aware that she's all alone in the middle of Everfree Forest (technically, she's just 10 feet inside the forest. She could get back to the city in less than five seconds), Fluttershy begins to, well, flutter with nervousness. As soon as she hears a twig snap in the distance, she rushes inside the cave…

"STEVE!" she cries "WAIT UP!"

"What? Is something wrong?" Steve asks once Fluttershy catches up with him

"I… I…" Fluttershy catches her breath "I know you said you felt safer with me keeping guard… but I feel safer standing near you…"

"Good thinking" Steve says "Sticking together we'll be able to have each other's back! Nice strategy"

"You're just saying that to make me feel better…"

"No, Fluttershy, I…"

"Steve, please" Fluttershy sighs "I'm a coward. I know that. You know that"

"Coward? Why? Because you're afraid?" Steve says "Let me tell you something about cowards: Cowards only do things when they're sure they can win. They bully the weak. They torment those who can't fight back. They only act when they don't feel fear. Acting when you're afraid? That's courage!"

"But I don't act when I'm afraid!" Fluttershy says, with little tears in her eyes "I stagger. I freeze. I wish I could be fearless like you…"

"What makes you think I'm fearless? I'm not" Steve protests "And please, do NOT confuse fearlessness with courage. Having no fear doesn't make you brave. It makes you stupid or insane. We need fear. It warns us of the dangers. It makes us acknowledge the stakes. It advises us to do our best to avoid mistakes. It makes you care about the outcome. If you don't have fear, you're careless, reckless, dangerous. You just need to remember to not let fear stop you from doing what needs to be done"

"I…" before Fluttershy could answer; a swarm of bats flew past them. Fluttershy shrieks, and buries her face into Steve Jack's shoulder, sobbing softly.

"There, there…" Steve says, while they walk deeper into the cave "I got a little jumpy too"

"Steve, please" Fluttershy sobs "I'll never be brave. I was almost scared to death right now"

"And yet you're still here" Steve remarks "You didn't run away"

"But I wanted to" Fluttershy insists

"But you didn't! That's the whole point of what I've been saying" Steve says "Despite your fear begging you to turn around and run, you didn't. You listened to your fear's arguments to run away and decided that they weren't good enough. You kept going. You're still going. You're brave, Fluttershy. Don't you ever let anyone tell you different"

Back at the library, Thor, Trixie, Rarity and Stark, were still reading through the seemingly endless piles of books, with Spike serving them sandwiches.

"Did you guys find anything yet?" Stark asks

"No" Thor answers

"Nope" Trixie answers

"Not yet" Rarity answers

"Wait a minute… That book is about 'History of Fashion'!" Stark yells at Rarity "We're trying to dissipate a magic block here! Why the fuck are you reading that for? Throw it in the pile of 'Useless Books That Are a Waste of Time'!"

"Useless? Hmph!" Rarity says "If you ask me, you never know when a better understanding of summer hat trends may prove useful…"

"Oh, I have a pretty good idea" Stark says "It starts with an 'N' and ends with 'ever'!"

"Bah! This tedious task irritates me!" Thor announces, violently throwing his book on the floor "I'm Thor, Warrior and Prince of Asgard! I have no patience for books!"

"Thor, I love you, buddy" Stark says "But you're really not helping your fame of stupid"

"I agree with knucklehead" Trixie says "These Spell books are so… complex. They're giving me a headache"

"And you wonder why Twilight is so much better than you…" Stark says as Trixie shoots him a death glare

"Actually, Trixie brings a good point" Rarity says "These spells are complex. There's no guarantee that neither of us" she points at herself, Thor, and Trixie "will be able to perform the spell if we ever find it"

"I know understand why Nerd McNerdypants thought she was such a genius" Stark says "considering that she lived her life surrounded by you idiots"

"Hey! That was uncalled for" Rarity protests "What was the point of that insult?"

"This shit isn't that complicated!" Stark says "I bet if I had a fucking horn I could do all this shit! And you know what? I bet you guys could too, if you hadn't the reading skills and attention span of a five year old! God! I can't believe you guys are making me miss Sparkle!"

You hear that? He misses her. They all miss her. Do you think anypony would miss you if you disappeared? Do you think anypony would care?

"What? Who's that?" Trixie asks

"Who's who?" Stark asks back

"That voice!" Trixie says "You didn't hear the voice?"

Don't waste your time. They can't hear me. Only you can.

"What? How?" Trixie asks the ceiling

Stark stares at her for a few seconds "You're a loony" he says and goes back to arguing with Rarity

Hear that? You're a loony. They don't care about you. They despise you. You're worth less than the mud they step on for them.

"What's your point?" Trixie asks, silently and bitter

Do you honestly think they'll honor the deal? They'll dump you the first chance they get. They'll wait until you're in front of the whole town. And they'll humiliate you, like they did before, and they'll laugh at you. Everypony will laugh at you.

Trixie fights back her tears and anger "No! You have no way of knowing that. They'll honor the deal. I'll honor the deal!"

How noble. Why bother? Why help them? After everything they done? After all the humiliation you suffered? After they destroyed your career, just to protect their own petty prides? Do you think they feel sorry about that? They don't. They would do it again, with pleasure. Even though you lost everything and they lost nothing, you're the bad pony. They're the 'heroes'. These ponies don't deserve your help. They don't deserve your forgiveness. Heck, they probably think you're the pony who should be apologizing, not them. They only deserve your hate. They only deserve PAIN. They need to pay for what they done to you. They deserve to suffer your revenge.

Trixie looks at everypony in the room. A burning hatred boiling inside of her, as she scans every single face. She would love to make them suffer… No, that's not right "I can't" she whispers "This is my only chance. What other way can I regain my reputation, if I don't save Twilight?"

Suddenly, two enormous yellow eyes appear in front of Trixie, but only she could see them.

I have a few ideas…

"…and that's why unicorns are for little girls" Stark concludes to Rarity

"Was that supposed to be an insult?" Rarity asks, indifferent "Because I don't feel insulted"

"Hey, Thor" Trixie calls him "Would you mind helping me out with something outside?"

Thor looks at Trixie. There's something… off in her eyes… He then looks at the piles of boring books in front of him and the two bickering horses just a few steps ahead. "I'll be certainly glad to do so, Lady Trixie" Thor bows and follows Trixie outside the library.

"What do you need my assistance for?" Thor asks, once they reach the main square

"Oh, just a little performance" Trixie looks at Thor Sparkle with his stupid clueless smile on his stupid clueless face. No. Her stupid clueless smile on her stupid clueless face. Oh, this will feel good…

"Mares and Stallions! May I have your attention, please?" Trixie announces as townsponies turn to look at her "Some of you may remember me: I'm the Great and Powerful Trixie!"

"Isn't that the pony that brought the Ursa Major here?" "I think so" "I think it was an Ursa Minor" "The way she ran away was hilarious…" ponies in the crowd murmur

Go ahead, laugh. This will only make the following part much more satisfying

"Those who remember me, may also remember that I wasn't as 'great and powerful' as I affirmed to be. I couldn't solve the mess I helped create, and this mare at my side, Twilight Sparkle, proved herself more skilled than me by taking the Ursa Minor safely out of town in an impressive feat of magic" Trixie says, as the townsponies nod in agreement, some clearly impressed with Trixie's display of humility.

"Now, please, watch this" and with that said, Trixie shoots a concussive beam at Thor which sends him flying against a wall as the crowd gasps with shock.

Thor raises his head with difficulty. This attack was almost as painful as the backhand the Destroyer gave him when he was on his mortal form.

"I'm sorry, Thor, darling" Trixie, who looked anything but sorry, whispered "But this opportunity was too good to let pass"

Using her magic, Trixie lifts his body and throws it with force against the building on the other side of the street. Then she lifts him again and throws him against the first wall. Each hit causes the audience to gasp and flinch. She repeats that routine for a while, like she's playing a game of Pong and Thor is the ball.

Severely injured, Thor tries to counter attack. But what can he do? He tries to conjure some type of magic with his horn, but it's hopeless.

"What's the problem, Twilight? Why don't you fight back?" Trixie mocks "Oh, that's right. You can't!"

"W-what do you want?" Thor asks with difficulty

"I want to hear you scream!" Trixie snarls "I want to hear her voice BEGGING ME TO STOP!"

Trixie starts to inflict something akin to an electric torture on Thor who screams in agony, before passing out.

"BEHOLD!" Trixie lifts the limp, unconscious body of Thor Sparkle for everypony to see "The mighty Twilight! So utterly defeated by me!" Trixie laughs with an almost orgasmic glee "Who's the best now, huh? WHO'S THE BEST?"

"TRIXIE!" Trixie turns her head to see Steve and Fluttershy on the other side of the square

"That's right" Trixie says with a smirk "I'm the best"

"Trixie" Steve repeats "put the pony down"

"As you wish" Trixie says, and throws Thor's body down, with such extremely violent force, it makes a small crater on the ground.

"Thor!" Steve screams

"Twilight!" Fluttershy cries

"What the hell is going on…?" Stark looks outside the window at the tumult "Oh, shit!"

Trixie shoots a huge beam on their direction "Fluttershy! Look out!" Steve pushes Fluttershy out of the way, as the beam misses them and hits the cart, destroying it, but leaving the chunks of iron intact.

"Stay here!" Steve tells the frightened Fluttershy and runs into Trixie's direction

Trixie shoots another blast, but Steve dodges it doing a somersault. Trixie keeps firing at him, and with every dodge, one more acrobatic than the other, Steve draws near.

"Stand still while I'm trying to hit you, darn it!" Trixie screams

"Sorry, no can do" Steve says dodging another blast.

Very close now, before she can shoot another blast, Steve jumps and delivers a kick on Trixie's head, knocking her out cold.

"Sorry for that, ma'am" Steve says "But you have some explaining to do"

"Oh, Steve…" Fluttershy says, running to meet him "That was so… so… valiant!"

"Steve, remind me to never piss you off" Stark says, meeting them "Scratch that: remind me to wear a helmet when I piss you off. Oh, I see you found my raw materials. Rarity?"

"Yes?" Rarity asks from the library doorframe

"Could you use your head boner to bring those chunks of metal inside? Thank you"

Thor wakes up and tries to stand. He screams and falls.

"Thor! Stand down!" Steve says "You broke your leg!"

"Here, use me as a crutch" Stark says, helping his friend stand, while Steve and Fluttershy carried the still unconscious Trixie, and Rarity levitated the iron chunks.

"You know something, Steve?" Stark says as they walk towards the library "I think I know why you were so cool with this body swap thing"

"Oh, really?" Steve says, a little curious "Do tell"

"You basically got swapped with yourself!" Stark says "I mean, look at you! Blonde, similar hairstyle, very strong, very fast, very agile…"

Steve smirks "You know something, Tony? That may be the closest thing to a compliment you…"

"…very annoyingly righteous, same boring personality and I bet you're both virgins too" Stark concludes "Sorry, what were you saying?"

Steve frowns, annoyed "Forget it"

As they enter the library, they notice something that wasn't there when they left: A pink cannon in the middle of the room.

Stark raises his eyebrows "Wha—"

"PARTY TIME!" Pinkie shouts, firing the cannon which covers the library with all the balloons and confetti of yesterday.

"JESUS CHRIST!" Stark yells "Stop doing this ninja shit, you pink creature from hell!"

Stark's surprise causes him to let go of Thor, who hits the floor and cries in pain.

"Oh, shit" Stark says, helping him stand again "Sorry, buddy"

"What's wrong with her… him?" Pinkie asks, worried

"He broke his leg" Stark explains

"That's a shame… but it could be good!" the always optimistic Pinkie says "Is he an actor? Because if he is, that means good luck!"

"Saying 'break a leg' brings good luck" Stark says "Actually breaking a leg does not!"

"Well, don't worry, Twi… Thor… Twor" Pinkie smiles "Even if you can't dance, I'll make sure you'll still have fun on my party!" Pinkie then turns to Steve Jack "Hi, Applejack! Nice for you to come in! Have fun! Just don't eat too much cake like you did in that dream we had last night"

"Wait, what?" Stark says "What did she said?"

"I'm sorry, ma'am" Steve apologizes "But I'm not Applejack"

"Oh, you're one of Stark's friends?" Pinkie asks "Hi, I'm Pinkie Pie"

"Nice to meet you, Pinkie Pie" Steve greets back "I'm Steve"

"Nice to meet you, Steed"

"Steed?" Stark says "No, you're thinking of the other 'Avengers'!"

"Pinkie, this is the third friend of ours who's swapped" Fluttershy says "How you can be so… 'okay' with all of this?"

"Don't be silly, Fluttershy. There's nothing to be worried about" Pinkie answers "Everything will go back to normal in the end. Like it always does"

"Speaking of that, we need to go back to research or nothing's going back to normal" Stark says "Our options are running out quick"

"What we need is a song to inspire us!" Pinkie proclaims

"No, we do n—"

"Loose, hoofloose,

Kick up your horseshoes

Please, Cream Cheese

Pull me off of my knees

Applejack, come back

Come on, before we crack

Lose your blues

Everypony cut hoofloose!"

"That's… Kenny Loggins' Footloose!" Stark says

"No, silly!" Pinkie giggles "That's Pinkie Pie's Hoofloose"

"My ass it is!" Stark replies "You stole it! I don't know how you did it… In fact, I don't know how you do lots of things, but you stole it! You just changed some lyrics for horse-related puns!"

"What's going on in here?" the occupants of the room turn their heads to see Big Macintosh and Applebloom.

"Oh my God! A male pony!" Rainbow Stark shouts "The legends were true!"

"Big Mac! Applebloom!" Pinkie hops "I'm so glad you came to my party!"

"We didn't come for a party, Pinkie" Applebloom said "We came looking for Applejack"

"Eyup" Big Mac agreed

"Oh, you sure you won't stay? We have cake and…" Pinkie stops "Oh goodness! The cake! I forgot the cake! MY PARTY IS RUINED!" a fountain of tears burst from Pinkie's eyes as she cries on the floor.

Steve approaches Pinkie, worried "Pinkie, are you okay?"

Pinkie raises her head, smiling like nothing had happened "Yes. You guys stay here. I'm going to Sugar Cube Corner to bring a cake. I'll be back soon" and with that said, Pinkie Pie happily hopped out of the library.

"That pony's mind must be a fascinating place…" Stark says

"Oh, Applejack" Applebloom hugs Steve "We were so worried about ya when ya didn't come home last night!"

"Oh, I…" Steve didn't know what to say "I'm sorry… uh… you"

"Okay, kiddo" Stark says, pulling Applebloom by her tail "Hugging time is over"

"Hey!" Applebloom protested

"Applejack, we were really worried" Big Mac says "Where were you?"

"I..."

"She was here all night" Stark butts in "You didn't need to worry. Now, if you excuse us…" he says, pushing Big Mac and Applebloom towards the exit

"Here all night? Doing what?" Big Mac asks

"Secret, private stuff" Stark answers "There's the door…"

"Like what?" Big Mac insists, getting a little irritated

"Like the kind that is none of your business" Stark says "Man, you're nosy"

"Rainbow Dash, I'm her brother!" Big Mac says, angry "I have a right to know!"

Stark pauses to think. What could he say to get rid of Big Mac as fast as possible?

"She was having sex" Stark says, deadpan

Big Mac's angry face disappears to give place to an expression of shock/embarrassment "Oh, I-I…"

"She has a life outside you guys, you know. And she would rather you didn't pry on it" Stark finally pushes them outside "So, goodbye. Give us a call someday" he then closes the door on their faces

"Big Mac?" Applebloom approaches her big brother "What's 'sex'?"

"Uh… Here are some coins. Why don't you go to Sugar Cube Corner and buy yourself something tasty?" Big Mac says, still staring at the door, startled

"Ya serious?" Applebloom asks

"Eyup"

"Fuck yes!" Applebloom cheers, and runs towards the cake store

"STARK!" Steve shouts, angry

"What?"

"Why did you do that?"

"What?" Stark asks again

"With all the excuses you could concoct, you went with sex? You don't even care what this may mean for this poor girl's reputation, do you?" Steve says "Of course, I shouldn't expect anything else from you. That filthy mind of yours… corrupting the purity and innocence of these ponies!"

"Good Lord, Steve! Could you sound any gayer?" Stark replies "These idiots don't even know what 'fuck' means. What do you think they know about sex?"

"I know a lot about sex!" Fluttershy declared

All the eyes turn to her. She blushes.

"I-I mean… I take care of animals…" Fluttershy says "I even count the newborn bunnies after mating season is over… so… of course I know about sex… I just don't like talking about it…"

"It's okay, Fluttershy" Steve says "I don't like talking about it either"

"The shier they are in public, the freakier they are in bed. It's what I always say" Stark quips

"STARK!" Steve shouts

"You really thought we didn't know about sex?" Rarity asks "How did you think we reproduced?"

"I don't know. I thought you were just magically created out of nothing like Smurfs" Steve says "And how do you do it, anyway? I can't find my genitals, and believe me, I've searched"

"STARK!" Steve shouts

"ROGERS!" Stark mocks him

"M-my friends!" Thor says, from the pillow where he was resting "We should be focusing on the ordeal at hand"

"He's right. We're gonna need protection now that Discord is out there. Good thing you brought these big chunks of iron here" Stark turns to Fluttershy "Fluttershy, Applejack brought me some tools. They're down in the basement. Could you fetch them for me?"

"In the basement? A-alone? I…" Fluttershy looks at Steve I need to be brave "Yes, Sir" she says, determined, and marches down the stairs.

Stark rises an eyebrow at Steve "What did you two do in that cave?"

"We mined the iron" Steve answers

"Yeah. What else?"

"Nothing. Why?"

"Didn't you see the way she looked at you?" Stark asks "She totally wants to jump your bones"

"She does not!" Steve says, irritated "I don't know what 'jump my bones' means, but knowing you, it can only mean one thing"

"Why are we only focusing on the armor?" Rarity asks "Shouldn't we be searching for the magic spell…"

"Why bother?" Stark interrupted her "As we all saw, Thor can't do magic to save his life, we can't trust Trixie…"

"That should have been obvious from the beginning" Spike, who had just tied up the still unconscious Trixie and shoved a cork on her horn, said "If you had asked for my opinion, we wouldn't…"

"Shut up, servant" Stark says "You were enslaved for your services, not for your opinions"

"I'M NOT A SLAVE!"

"…and you, Rarity Potter, keep whining about not being good enough" Stark concludes "So, why should we bother?"

"Because if we don't, then Discord will still be on the loose" Rarity replies "Because if we don't, our friends will be lost forever!"

"You're right. I forgot. Sorry" Stark sighs "But it's hopeless! Are you sure the Elements of Deus Ex Machina are the only way of defeating Discord?"

"Well, Princess Celestia did manage to trap him for over a thousand years, maybe we should contact her" Spike says

Rarity shakes her head "It's no use, Spike. When Princess Celestia called us the day before yesterday to tell us that Discord had escaped, she told us that she could only do it with the Elements of Harmony"

"Wait, so when Celestia imprisoned Discord, he got stuck in that statue for over a thousand years. But when you guys did it, it only lasted one day?" Stark asks "Wow, you guys really suck at this"

"Excuse me, but Discord was secured and everything was fine until YOU showed up" Rarity points out

"Sure, blame the foreigner" Stark says "In any case, I think we should try your Highness anyways, I mean, why the hell not?" Stark takes a piece of paper, and writes his letter

"Here, do your thing, slave" Stark shoves the letter inside Spike's mouth, who coughs it out

"I'm not a slave!" Spike screams

"Fine, fine. 'Vassal'" Stark makes quotation marks in the air

"That's better" Spike says, and then unfolds Stark's letter to read it…

Dear Princess Zelda or Whatever,

I don't know you and you don't know me. But you probably already heard about me in the letter Clever Hans wrote you yesterday. I'm currently inside one of your subjects, Rainbow Dash. Yeah, I know. I should have taken her out for dinner first.

The problem is: I'm not the only "surrogate" around here. Your beloved Twilight Sparkle committed a magical mistake trying to make the brooms take water from the well for her, and now she's someone else too. And so is Johnny Appleseed. It also seems that this may have to do with that dude you call Discord. He escaped, by the way. I think Baby Sinclair should be severely punished for his incompetence.

So, you see, things are getting ugly. And they can get even uglier unless you take your lazy fat ass out of your throne and come here to help us before your whole stupid kingdom is swapped with my world. Who knows? Maybe you'll get swapped with Rebecca Black.

Sincerely,

A Very Pissed Off Tourist

Tony Stark (A.K.A. The Guy Inside Rainbow Dash)

Spike gasps "You can't send this to Princess Celestia!"

"Why? Because I ratted you out?"

"Because you're disrespectful to her!" Spike says

"So? What she's gonna do? Banish me?" Stark says "Guess what? I don't wanna be here"

Spike frowns "If you don't mind, I'll edit your letter to make it more acceptable" he says pulling a pen

"Actually, I do mind. I…" Suddenly, Stark feels a sting on his chest. A horribly familiar pain. The kind he felt when Obadiah Stane yanked the Arc Reactor off of his chest. He barely even notices when he collapses in the floor, jerking his body…

"Wow. He really minds!" Spike gulps

"Stark!" Thor screams

"Oh, dear" Rarity says, apprehensive

"Tony! What's wrong?" Steve says, approaching him "Tony! Talk to me!"

But Stark couldn't speak. The world had turned blurry. And, in a matter of seconds, everything was darkness…

What… What's happening? I can't see shit!

Me neither.

Who's there?!

I'm Rainbow Dash. You?

Tony Stark.

Oh. So, you're the one using my body?

Yep.

Oh…

Where are we? What's going on?

I think I know, but you ain't gonna like it…

What do you mean?

Loki. He… he killed me…

What?! He killed you? But… that's my body! He killed me!

Yeah. He said that if one of us died it was possible that we met inside the head of the survivor… or that we both would die…

So… we're dead?

I guess.

That sucks.

Tell me about it.

But… how… I mean… what happened?!

It… it was awful! He killed everypony! H-he killed Bruce…

Bruce?! How's that possible?! He can't… Oh, God! Pepper! Is she okay? Please, tell me she's not…

I don't know… Sorry, I… I really don't know…

Oh God, please, no…

I'm sorry…

God…

So… what happens now?

I don't know.

…

…

…I'm scared.

Me too.

And then a burst of light cuts the darkness, as the world turned blurry again, slowly shifting into focus…

"He's coming back!" Stark hears Steve's voice "Give him room to breathe"

"I…" Tony tries to say "We…"

"You gave us a mighty scare, Tony" Steve says "You actually stopped breathing for a few seconds there"

"Weneedtocomeback!" Stark says, abruptly

"What?"

"WE NEED TO COME BACK NOW!" he yells

Oblivious to what just happened upstairs, Fluttershy finally found Applejack's bag of tools.

She just searched a dark, empty basement alone! Steve will be so proud!

She's moving towards the stairs when a shine catches her eye. She looks at Stark's experiment table, where his device was assembled. The gems from the Elements were no longer there. They were levitating, near the ceiling, in a circle, displaying a magic sparkle.

"Oh, my… Was t-that supposed to happen?" Fluttershy asks herself "Uh… Stark?" she calls in her usual quiet, coy manner "I think you should come down here… that is, if you don't mind…"

The gems begin to form a ball of magic energy which begins to grow.

"Uh… Stark?" Fluttershy says, as the orb grows larger and larger, approaching her "Steve? Somepony? Help?"

Fluttershy was now cornered, with nowhere to run, as the orb was ready to swallow her.

"STEEEEEEEEEEEVEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Fluttershy screams, before being engulfed by the expanding orb of magic.