Rock Farms Have Terrible Sex Ed

Pinkie Pie was having a wonderful day. She had woken up and had a balanced breakfast of donuts and chocolate milk. Her morning was spent saying hi to everypony in town, then conducting an impromptu musical number. Lunch consisted of bananas and a sandwich made of ice cream. Now she was manning the front counter at Sugarcube Corner having a splendafulis time putting smiles on the faces of each customer. Pinkie was busy restocking the display counter when the little bell over the door jingled.

“Hi and welcome to Sugarcube Corner!” Pinkie looked up to see a pony that she was not expecting to see that day, “Princess Cadance? Ohmygosh! What a surprise! I so totally wasn’t expecting to see you today! Or tomorrow! Or anytime until Twilight gets a letter saying we have to save the world again! So how can I help you?”

Cadance looked around nervously as she approached the counter, “Um, Pinkie Pie, is anypony else here?”

“Nope! Mr. and Mrs. Cake are out for lunch with the kids!” Pinkie twisted her head upside down and leaned over the counter, “So it’s just you and me right now! Yep, the two of us are all alone. No pony else around to hear if one of us screamed for help.”

“What was that last part?” Cadance took two steps back from the overly energetic pink mare.

“Oh nothing! Just a joke!” Pinkie spun her head back around and rested her forehooves on the counter.

Cadance cleared her throat, “Right then. Pinkie Pie, I was wondering if you could give me some, um, advice.”

“Sure!” Pinkie hopped around the counter and put a hoof around Cadance’s shoulders, “The secret is to always use homemade icing!”

“No, that’s not quite the kind of advice I wanted,” Cadance lifted Pinkie off her, the blue field of her telekinesis appearing around her, “I was hoping for some more… personal advice.”

“Hmmm,” Pinkie put a hoof to her chin in thought, “Nope, sorry. I don’t think you could ever get your mane to curl like mine.”

Cadance rolled her eyes and set Pinkie down, a blush showing through her coat, “I was hoping to get some advice on... I can’t believe I’m saying this. Advice on bedroom activities.”

“You mean like pillow fights?” Pinkie asked, tilting her head.

“Sex!” Cadance blurted out, “I want advice on sex!” Cadance’s head swiveled around after her outburst. However Sugarcube corner was still empty.

“Oh, um…” Pinkie’s smile flickered and was replaced with a forced grin, “Well I’m sure you don’t really need advice from me. I mean, aren’t you the Princess of Love?”

“Love, not lust, not even passion. Just love,” Cadance hung her head, hoofing at the floorboards, “Shining wants to do something to spice up our love life and I don’t have a clue about these sorts of things. Then I remembered how outgoing you were and how Twilight always talks about how you throw the best parties. I sort of put two and two together…”

“Oh, yeah, of course,” Pinkie nodded and kept her forced smile.

“I expected you to be more… forthcoming about it. Sorry this is so awkward,” Cadance shrugged, and tried to look anywhere but where Pinkie was.

“Err… That’s just it,” Pinkie scratched the back of her head, “I kind of, sort of, don’t really know a lot about that topic.”

“I know you’re not an expert, but any little thing you could tell me...” Cadance was cut off.

“Ya see. You’re reeeeeeally not getting it,” Pinkie made a circular gesture with a hoof, “I really don’t know much about that.”

Cadance’s eyes sparked in realization, “Oh… you mean you’re into mares.”

“Nonono!” Pinkie waved her front hooves back and forth frantically, “I mean I never learned about… it.”

Cadance raised an eyebrow in confusion. Then her mouth slowly dropped to form an ‘O’, “You’ve never had sex have you.”

Her blush finally showed through her coat, and Pinkie covered her face, “Please don’t use that word. It makes me uncomfortable. In fact can we get off the subject?”

“I-I’m sorry. It’s just this was the last thing I was expecting to happen,” Cadance stuttered out, “I thought I would be the uncomfortable one, not you.”

“It’s ok, everypony thinks I’m like that,” Pinkie sighed, slouching down behind the counter, “They think because I’m so carefree and know so many ponies that I do those things all the time. The girls had the same reaction when they found out. But they keep off the subject as much as they can when I’m around.”

“I’m just amazed you never learned about the birds and the bees. I mean, you grew up on a farm. I thought all farm-fillies learned about mating,” Cadance explained.

“Yeah. A rock farm. Rocks don’t mate,” Pinkie shivered on the last word.

A silence descended over the two. Cadance spent the time counting the various heart shaped decorations on the pastries and carved into the molding. Pinkie seemed preoccupied with steading her breathing. The noise of the street drifted in through the walls, indistinguishable fragments of conversation and the soft chirping of birds. Eventually Cadance could no longer stand the silence.

“So, um… Your parents were more traditional then?” She asked.

“Yeah, they didn’t talk about it and only answered questions with ‘not until you’re married’. It really got annoying!” Pinkie explained.

“Mother, Father. Why are you two wrestling in bed?” a young, straight haired Pinkamena asked.

“We’ll tell you when you’re married,” Igneous Rock told Pinkie, rolling off Cloudy Quartz.

“Why didn’t you go find a stallion to experiment with?” Cadance asked.

“Hello! Rock farm, remember. There wasn’t another pony around for kilometers besides my family! And I was not going to do anything with my dad!” Pinkie shouted defensively.

“Sorry, it was just a question,” Cadance shrunk back.

Pinkie sighed, “No, it’s my fault. I get a teeny-weeny little bit intense when ponies try to talk to me about these things. And actually I’m pretty sure that’s why Maud likes rocks so much,” Pinkie Pie put a hoof to her chin in thought.

“Mother, Father. Why is Maud out in the fields doing a really weird dance with a rock?” Pinkamena asked.

Igneous Rock and Cloudy Quartz looked at each other before bolting out the door, “Maud Pie! You get in the house this instant!”

“That’s unfortunate to hear,” Cadance offered.

“It’s not that I don’t want to work on it. I just don’t know how I can,” Pinkie sighed, her hair visibly deflating as she exhaled, “It was super awkward with the Cakes when Mrs. Cake got pregnant.” Cadance noticed that Pinkie put unnecessary emphasis on ‘pregnant.’ “I had never learned how those things worked so I asked how it happened… Long story short I learned what the expression ‘put a bun in her oven’ meant.”

Cadance nodded and in the preceding silence, pondered this. And then she was hit with an idea. Keeping her tone casual Cadance decided to test her idea, “Wow, you must have a hard time now when people talk about buns and ovens.”

Pinkie looked up at Cadance and tilted her head to the side, “No. Why would I have a hard time talking about baking?”

“Pinkie Pie, that’s your solution,” Cadance beamed, “You don’t have trouble talking about baking so you just need to use baking metaphors for everything until you’re used to it.”

Pinkie literally exploded into a smile, “Ohmygosh! That’s a great idea! I can talk about baking all day and not get tired of it! So I just need to phrase uncomfortable things into baking terms! There’s just one teeny-tiny little problem.”

“What’s that?” Cadance asked.

“I never get into conversations about that so I’ll never have an opportunity to practice,” Pinkie gathered herself after her outburst.

“I think I have a solution to that too!” Cadance cheered, “We can write to each other! It’ll be like you’re my student.”

“That’s superific! Does this mean I get a baby dragon too!” Pinkie exclaimed.

“No,” Cadance shook her head, “But I will need a source of fire to enchant…”

Dear Princess Cadance,

Today I learned what ‘eating out’ is. It’s when one pony licks a mare’s honeypot until she boils over. And if a stallion shot cream inside her then it becomes a ‘cream pie’. Thanks again for the wonderful suggestions.

Your faithful student,
Pinkamena Diane Pie

Shining Armor looked at his sleeping wife, then back at the letter that had appeared over her not one minute ago, then back to his wife.

“She’s got some ‘splaining to do.”

Meanwhile in the kitchen of Sugarcube Corner…

“Pinkie. Why does our oven have a new setting labeled ‘Mailpony’?”