Author's Note

“People that have trust issues only need to look in the mirror. There they will meet the one person that will betray them the most.”
― Shannon L. Alder

Spike's tale. Chapter 2

Many hours later, Rarity had not returned. In the meantime, Spike’s mood had changed dramatically. At first he was indignant, thinking Rarity was acting like a diva. However, he could never stay upset with her for long, so in less than an hour he had become worried about her. She was out there, in the cold, probably still upset, and as time went on, he worried that she was lost or worse. Since she was such a beautiful woman and most likely looking very vulnerable, something bad could have happened, though Spike didn’t want to consider that.

She had been in such a rush that didn’t take her mobile phone with her, so Spike couldn’t call and check on her. He called Applejack, Twilight, Pinkie, Fluttershy and Rainbow to see if maybe Rarity had connected with them. However, no one had heard from her. Spike tried to downplay her absence, so as not to cause a panic among all their friends.

He went outside and walked around the neighborhood in the rain, looking in coffee shops and bars, even in laundromats or anywhere dry. Rarity was nowhere to be found. He phone her mobile phone back at the apartment many times in case she had returned home while he was out. He left messages that got more apologetic each time. He returned home after hours of searching, cold, tired and wet.

Eventually, all he could do was pace back and forth and feel guilty and stupid for having said what he said. At the time, he was just trying to express how he supported her. However, what he ended up conveying was that he just wanted to keep going, which, as Rarity said, was easier on him than on her. Now he saw that, he realized he should have just listened. Getting mad at her was no way to solve their problems in the bedroom.

When he finally heard the door open, he rushed toward it, his sense of relief was so overwhelming. She was a little wet from the rain, but she looked otherwise unharmed in any way.

However, when Rarity saw Spike, she fallen into his arms. He grabbed her and held her tight. “I’m so sorry!” he said over and over, gently rocking her to comfort her. He held her back to look at her face and she didn't return his gaze. She looked downward and let out a sigh. “What is it?” Spike asked with genuine concern.

“I’m so sorry,” Rarity said quietly.

“No,” Spike quickly responded, “you have nothing to be sorry about. I was the one who was insecure.”

“No,” Rarity said, “you don’t understand. While I was gone, I,” she said, and then stopped, looking unable to get the words out.

“You what?” Spike asked, not accusingly but with worry that something happened to her. Rarity finally looked up and into Spike’s eyes. She looked pained, and seemed to be struggling with what to say.

“I,” she said with some difficulty, “I, just, had an opportunity to think about some stuff. That’s all.” Spike thought it was a bit strange the way she was emphasizing nothing happened. However, Spike realized that kind of paranoid thinking was what created fights, not solved them. “I know now that we can make it work. Sexually, I mean.”

“What?” Spike said, surprised. “How do you know that? I’m happy to hear it, but, still, what’s different?”

“I can’t explain,” Rarity said. She remained vague, and Spike realized maybe she couldn’t explain any further. Sometimes feelings are hard to express. So instead he tried to kiss her. She kissed back, but was a little hesitant and she stopped him.

“I’m sorry,” she said, “I… I’m a little too worn out.” Well, women are more emotional than men, he figured, so probably for her thinking about the relationship was more of an ordeal than how he saw it.

“Does that mean you don’t want to take a break from having sex?” Spike said, “Because I want you to know that I thought about what you said and realized you were right. It is easier for me, and it’s unfair. I don’t know how you feel, and I should have listened better. When I say I’ll try anything, I mean I’ll even try not doing anything. I’m here for you in any way you need me. Any way at all.”

Rarity looked at Spike with a puzzled look. Not that she didn’t understand what he was saying, but that she had no idea how to respond. “No,” Rarity said slowly and carefully, “I think we need to keep trying. I think I have some new, um, insights into how I feel. Just, not tonight okay? I can’t tonight, but we’ll keep trying again soon, okay?”

Spike was extremely happy to hear that, so her hugged her again, and that night they slept with Spike holding Rarity like a little girl and comforting her with his embrace.

Unfortunately, after that, things did not get better. For a few days it seemed like they might, and Rarity was different in the bedroom. She seemed to have more of an idea of what she wanted, pulling and pushing at Spike to move one way or another. However, as much as Spike tried he hardest to do what she wanted, she just couldn’t get whatever it was that she needed. They became distant again, and it became hard to talk about, because this time it seemed like it was Rarity who was calling the shots. Whatever it is she wanted, only she could say how to do it. Spike felt powerless to help, but couldn’t express his frustration without making it seem like he was accusing her. The last thing he wanted was to press her into another fight that would have her running out the door.

Spike felt like they were heading toward an inevitable fight, though, as Rarity became so frustrated that sometimes she would even just stop the sex right in the middle, sighing heavily with frustration and then going out of the room to calm down. Spike, who would still be aroused, found this particularly difficult, and he snapped at her a couple times, and she snapped back. However, both of them knew that the fight that was just about to happen would make things worse, so they both held back.

Then, suddenly, things changed for the better. Rarity didn’t usually go out socializing with friends without Spike, but she said she needed a night out with her girlfriends. Spike suspected that being around women only was a way of getting away from the implied sexual energy she always got around men. She obviously needed a break, and while Spike wasn’t too happy about her doing things without him, he could see how she needed a break.

As it turned out, it seemed to help a lot. Although she was a little tipsy, a little worn out from dancing, Rarity came home completely refreshed emotionally. She gave Spike a big hug when she arrived, and seemed to be in a much brighter mood. Spike was eager to find out what changed, but she was so exhausted that she practically collapsed into bed and went to sleep immediately before Spike even got into bed with her.

“So what changed?” Spike asked over breakfast the next morning.

“I talked some things over with my friends yesterday,” Rarity said, “And they helped me see things in a new light. You know I’m so grateful for how well we communicate, but I think it really helped to get some outside input.”

“What did you decide?” Spike asked. At this, Rarity looked down and a little concerned. She was obviously not sure if Spike would go along with her plan.

“Remember we talked about taking a break? A break from sex?” Rarity asked. She continued, “Well, I think that’s a good idea now. I want to just focus on all the parts of the marriage that work, and take the pressure off the bedroom for now.”

“Okay, fine,” Spike said, though there was just a slight tone in his voice that gave away that he knew this meant no sex for him for a long time. Having a wife as incredibly sexy as Rarity and not being able to fuck her would be a true test of will. “Why do you now think that’s a good idea?”

“Girls talk about things,” Rarity said with a giggle. “I can’t let you in on all our secrets. Are you really willing to go along with it, though?”

Spike looked obviously concerned, but he nodded. “You know I’ll do anything for you. Take as long as you want. We’ll get back to it when the time is right,” Spike said. Rarity looked thrilled and she jumped up so that she could bend over to kiss Spike on the forehead. As she did so, her tits jiggled and wobbled in a way that has Spike’s eyes fixated on them. Already it was hard to be around her and know that he wasn't going to be fucking her.

There was no denying, though, that the break from sex seemed to have helped their marriage over all. Although Rarity was a little busier with work and went out with the girls without Spike more often, the time they did spend together was without any tension. They enjoyed their time together, just being a loving couple. Rarity wanted to focus on more couple activities, like walking in the park and going to movies together. She seemed to be intent on highlighting what was working great about their relationship, the completely platonic part.

Spike tried to not let on how hard it was for him. Spike tried going out a few times with his guy friends when Rarity was out with her girl friends, but he found he wasn't as interested in it. He much preferred being out with Rarity as well. One problem was that the guys would sometimes tease him, saying that if they had a wife like Rarity, they would be at home fucking her all the time. They couldn't even understand why he was out without her. Although they were joking, there was an undercurrent of truth in it as well. All of Spike’s friends would talk more or less openly about how they wanted to fuck her. On top of that, they couldn't understand how they were hitting a nerve with Spike, because that’s exactly what he wanted too, to be at home fucking Rarity. So even when he was out with friends, there was constant reminders of Rarity and their dissatisfying sex life.

The other problem was that they would go out to bars or clubs, and the other guys would want to pick up girls. Spike, however, didn't want any other girls. He would look at even the most attractive woman in any place and she would never be on Rarity’s level. Even though Spike was sexually frustrated, he knew that even if he wasn't so completely loyal to Rarity that he wouldn't be satisfied with any other woman anyway. They all paled in comparison. Spike was completely in love and loyal to her no matter what, so he never considered cheating on her anyway, but he still didn’t like looking around the room at other women and being reminded of how he was both with and not with the woman of his dreams.

Spike would sometimes hope that he would happen to bump into Rarity and her friends at a club by happy coincidence, but he never saw her. Sometimes he would see Applejack and the rest of the gang and ask about her, but whoever it was that Rarity was going out with, it seemed that it weren't the girl friends of always.

Spike stopped trying to replace his time away from Rarity with some kind of distraction, and more and more he would just stay at home and wait for her. He was content to go out when Rarity was with him, and if not, he just finished up some work or watched television or relaxed.

However, Spike was far from relaxed. While the situation seemed to be improving Rarity’s mood more and more week after week, Spike was more anxious about how long this break was supposed to go on. He masturbated thinking about Rarity, and what sex would be like when she was ready again, and if they were able to make it really work. At first that helped release some tension. However, at the same time, it got him thinking about sex with her more too. Even though she was his own wife here in his own home, in his masturbatory fantasies she was like the movie star that one can’t have. She was more desirable because of her unattainability, and then the potential of her actually being attainable, but then again not really, was a cycle in Spike’s head that had him both masturbating furiously and then feeling hollow afterward.

In order to try and get their sex life back on track, Spike wanted to try and talk it out. It started out with small questions and just checking on her feelings. However, Spike was in need of results, and they started talking more and more about the relationship. Long, detailed, conversations, that went nowhere and left them both a little frustrated. Spike wanted to explore all sorts of angles to try and find the key insight that might unlock the door to them trying to have sex again. Rarity, however, strictly maintained that she was just not ready, not able yet, and that was that. The situation was really that simple, but the lack of information only made Spike more frustrated and motivated to try harder.

Rarity clearly found the conversations tedious, and most nights she would endure them. Some nights, though, when she came back from being with her friends or a late shift at work, she was just too exhausted and couldn't talk about anything. She would go straight to sleep, and Spike would be left hanging with many things he wanted to say but couldn't let out. Sometimes he pushed, and once or twice Rarity snapped at him saying that talking wouldn't turn her on.

One night, Spike was home alone, just watching television to fill the time. Rarity was out with the girls again, which she had been doing more of lately since the conversations began.

Spike was sure she probably got hit on a lot when she was out with her girlfriends, since he knew she did most of the time anyway. However, he trusted her to not go too far with anyone. Rarity simply wasn't that type. On the other hand, it felt like she had this new social life without Spike, and he felt a little left out. Spike never really needed time away from Rarity, so he felt a little bit sad that she seemed to need time away from him. She never said anything like that, she just wanted to have time with her girlfriends, but that was still the end result.

It occurred to Spike that there was nothing wrong with calling Rarity, though. Somehow, when Rarity went out with her girlfriends, it had taken on a kind of sacred feeling, like there was a rule that Spike not interrupt. However, now that Spike thought about it, there really was no reason he couldn't just call his own wife whenever he wanted to. He felt it would be good to do, just so he could feel like her social life was not a wholly separate thing from him. He picked up his cell phone and dialled Rarity’s number.

“Hello,” a woman said, “this is Rarity’s phone.” Spike was surprised to hear a voice that wasn’t Rarity’s answer the phone. Spike could hear some music in the background and thought Rarity must be out drinking at a bar or something. Perhaps she was dancing or away from her phone.

“Oh, hello,” Spike said, “Who is this?”

“I’m Crystal, a friend of Rarity’s” the girl said.

“Nice to meet you Crystal.” Spike said, feeling happy that he was getting a little insight into Rarity’s social life. “Is Rarity there?”

“Yes, she’s here,” the girl said. Her voice was friendly and cheerful. “She’s just having some fun with friends. Do you need me to get her for you?”

“Yeah,” Spike said, “thanks.” There was some muffled sounds as it seemed the phone was being passed around or something. Then Rarity answered.

“Hi darling,” Rarity said. She sounded a little distracted, as if she had just been brought from another conversation, or maybe from the dance floor, and talking on the phone was a mental step she hadn't fully taken. “What’s up?”

“Sorry to interrupt you and your friends,” Spike said, “I guess, I don’t know, I was just feeling a little lonely without you. So I just wanted to call and say hi.”

“That’s, uh,” Rarity said, “That’s sweet. We’ll talk when I get home, okay?” Spike couldn't help but notice that Rarity sounded hesitant. Was she bothered by him calling her like this? Spike wondered if maybe he had made a mistake, as if he had made her feel like he didn't trust her by checking up on her. Perhaps calling her wasn't such a good idea after all. However, Spike didn't want to concede to an idea that calling his own wife at any time could be the wrong thing to do, so he wanted to know what Rarity was feeling.

“Is something wrong?” Spike said, “Your voice sounds a little funny.”

“I,” Rarity said, and then paused. “I’m fine. The girls and I have just been drinking a bit.”

“You sound out of breath, though,” Spike said, knowing that if she was bothered, he was probably making it worse by asking more questions. He liked hearing her voice, though, even though the conversation was a little awkward, so he wanted to talk just a bit more.

“We've been dancing a lot,” Rarity said. “Sorry, honey, but it’s hard to hear in here. We’ll talk when I get home, okay?” Spike realized that this was not the best time to really get into another deep discussion about their feelings and their relationship. When Spike thought of that, he then realized that maybe the whole reason Rarity was going out with her girlfriends so much these days was because she was maybe tired of all the talking with Spike about their marriage and their sex life and their feelings for each other. He didn't like admitting that he might be driving her away, but he couldn't deny the possibility either. He suddenly felt a little foolish for calling her up and possibly making things worse by taking the very thing she might be trying to avoid into the world of her friends where she was escaping too. He decided he should get off the phone and let it go.

“It’s okay,” Spike said, “I just wanted to hear your voice. Have a good time.”

“Okay, bye” Rarity said quickly, as if she wanted to get off the phone right away. Spike felt a little hurt that she wanted to end the call, but he felt he knew what was going on. Still, he had one last thing he wanted to hear.

“Love you,” Spike said, but before he even finished saying it, the phone went dead. Although she said it was hard to hear, and maybe it was a little, he knew that she was anxious to get off the phone.

The irony was that he would want to talk to her about how he understood that she didn't want to talk too much, but since that in itself was more talking, it would just make the problem worse. Spike resolved that while he had feelings about this situation that he wanted to address, he would let it go. He would make the effort to start being the husband she wanted, and not talk about becoming the relationship they hoped to have.

When Rarity got home later that night, she was tired, and Spike felt that she was clearly feeling a little wary of having another long talk about the marriage. So Spike just hugged her and said he loved her, and then they went to bed together, with him holding on to her as they drifted off to sleep. She seemed happy with that, and Spike felt they were on a better path to making their relationship work.

While they talked less, Spike was masturbating more. It didn't help that Rarity was dressing incredibly sexy all the time now. She also acted a little different, a little more confident. She walked and talked with more authority. It was very sexy. Spike hoped that these were all signs that Rarity was building the emotional strength needed to work through the issues of their sex life. He masturbated hard and often thinking about what it was going to be like having sex with this new, more erotic, Rarity. The only problem was how it felt after he came. He would lie there on their bed, cleaning his cum and lotion up with tissues, feeling completely pathetic. What kind of husband, what kind of man, jerks off to his own wife instead of fucking her? He tried to dismiss the thoughts as being unjustifiably harsh. This was just a temporary situation, they would have sex again, and it wasn’t anybody’s fault. He just couldn’t hold back the rush of feelings that inevitably always followed. However, he knew it wasn’t just some kind of hormonal thing. The sense that he was some kind of loser in this situation constantly ate at him.