Author's Note

NOTE - this chapter is pending a rewrite.

Soldier! Never Anger A Magician!

Our story begins during one sunny Halloween, when a routine turf war between the mercenaries hired by Reliable Excavation Demolitions and Builder's League United was interrupted by the appearance of a large and grumpy wizard.

The Lakeside afternoon had started off as bright as an exploding sentry, with a beautiful view of the lake that would have been perfect but for the corpses floating in it.

"RUN, COWARDS!"

The BLU Heavy appeared from behind a corner, his minigun raking the sentry in front of him with bullets. It had only just finished constructing, and so easily succumbed to the hail of lead. He was half a second too late to hit the RED Engineer, though, who dived for cover behind a fallen pillar as soon as he saw that his sentry was no match for the behemoth before him.

"Ah need some doggone help!"

"I am full of sandvich, and I am coming for YOU!"

The Heavy advanced, his minigun chipping away chunks of rock from the pillar. Engineer could hear the BLU mercenary getting closer and closer.

"Hahahaha! IS COWARD KILLING TI- " His battle cries were cut short as he suddenly let out a scream. The RED Engineer poked his head up from behind cover, and saw the RED Spy standing over the corpse.

"Hmmph. You got blood on my suit."

"Thanks, mister!"

"You are welcome, labourer. And now, adieu." With that, the Spy faded into invisibility.

As the Engineer rebuilt his ruined machines, the RED Soldier soared through the air on a column of flame as he rained down rockets onto the BLU mercenaries who were defending their point.

"The enemy has been repelled! Time to capture my point, maggots!"

The RED team, who were at full strength, surged forward to capture the point before the BLUs respawned. And then...

"What the hell are those things?" cried Scout, as plumes of green smoke rose around the capture zone. Around the REDs, the sky began to blacken, and the lakeside setting slowly changed before their very eyes.

"It is obvious!" replied Soldier. "They are celebrations for my amazing capture!"

Nearby, the Heavy glanced at the Medic.

"Doktor?"

"Ja!"

"Why is everything so spooky?"

"I have no idea!"

The sandy shades that previously decorated the Egyptian battleground faded away, quickly replaced by browns and greens. Rickety buildings replaced the stone obelisks and tombs, and as the sky darkened the sun overhead turned silvery. Bells began to ring all around them. A bright green light shone in the centre of the point. As one, the RED team took a large step away.

All except for the Soldier, who walked straight into it.

"Herr Soldat! Nein! Come back!"

"Do not try to trick me!" said the Soldier, a touch angrily. "This is my victory celebration and I will have- AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!"

As he said this, there was a brilliant green explosion which sent the Soldier flying backwards through the wall of one of the houses which had just popped up from nowhere.

"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Merasmus the Wizard arrives on a tide of blood!"

"Merasmus!" said the Soldier, who had just extricated himself from the wall.

"Oh," replied Merasmus in a somewhat calmer voice. "Hello, Soldier. For what purpose have I been summoned here?"

"Soldier?" asked Scout. "Do you know this guy?"

"Affirmative! He is my roommate."

"Look, am I just going to stand here all day, or did you summon me for a reason?"

"Negative!"

"And... the rest of you?"

"Uh... no?"

"Nope."

"Nein."

"Nyet."

"Nah."

"Non."

"Mmph."

"Aye!"

Everyone turned to look at the Demoman, who staggered up before Merasmus.

"What in Sam Hill are you thinking, boy?"

"Merasmus!"

"Oh, look. My sweeping-boy has returned."

"An' I've returned for me eye! The eye, which yer book stole from me!"

"Ah. Yes. Unfortunately, you can't have it back, you see. Or rather, don't. That's a joke, by the way."

"An' jest whut do ye mean by that?"

"You know? A joke? You tell them to make people laugh?"

"Nay! Whut do ye mean, I cannae have it back?"

I mean, you drunken wretch, that I gave it life and turned it into a nightmarish force of pure evil."

"The hell did ye just say?"

"Soldier, please keep your friend under control. He is becoming increasingly obnoxious to converse with."

"Ain't gonna happen, Merasmus! You may be my roommate, but that does not give you the right to keep my friend's eye!"

"This is getting ridiculous. Do your friends want to listen to you yelling like a three-day-old brat? No."

"I'm gonna kill ye, ye sack o'- "

"Guys! Guys! Settle down, please!" said the Scout. Everyone stopped to look at him. "Look, the way I sees it is this. We've killed the BLU team. We've captured the point. Now all we need to do is kill this guy and we can go home!"

"Da! This is good idea!"

"I zhink zhis also!"

"Wait, you fools! What are you doing?"

"ATTAAAAAACK!"

"Enough of this nonsense!" boomed the mighty wizard, raising his staff. "GRANITUS FORTRIFICUS!"

Every member of the RED team froze in their tracks. Scout, suddenly rendered immobile in the middle of a double jump, crashed painfully to the ground.

"That's better," smirked Merasmus. "Now, why didn't I do this earlier?"

"Because you're a terrible wizard," grumbled a voice from his pocket. The wizard reached in and pulled out the Bombinomicon.

"Shut up, you." Facing the mercenaries, he cleared his throat. "Ahem."

"Huh. Steal my lines, why don't you," muttered Spy from where he stood.

"Where was I? Ah, yes. You have angered the mighty Merasmus. Now your doom is upon you, meddling mortals! This night shall be your last!"

"Wave your stick around all you like, you dress-wearing hippy!" yelled the Soldier. "If you kill me, I'll only come back- "

"Stronger, I know. But I also know that you haven't been taking those pills with a glass of water! What do you say to that, imbecile?"

"Fluids are for the weak!"

"And before the rest of you say anything else, there is something you should know. Quake in fear, mortals, for I have just disabled your respawn! Every second that you spend rotting in your coffins shall remind you of the day you dared to attack Merasmus!"

"I'll come back from the grave ta haunt ye, Merasmus!" called the Demoman. He had been in mid-charge when the spell had taken effect, and his sword was raised and ready to strike.

"Shut up, you vile wretch," snapped Merasmus. "Why they ever let one such as you on- "

"Bombinomicon!" cried a slithering, snaking voice. "Bombinomicon, issss that you?"

"Eyelander?" replied the Bombinomicon. "What are you doing here?"

"This drunken Scotssssman dragged me here. It's not like I could run away or anything."

"Holy- Did I really just put a petrifying spell on you just then?"

"Yeah, but it'ssss no big deal. You've got a ssssmelly man in a dressss telling you what to do, I've got a ssssmelly man in a dressss telling me what to do. We're both in the ssssame boat."

"Eyelander!" the Demoman roared from his pose. "I told ye before ta never insult me kilt!"

"And you, infernal tome, shut up for once. Sometimes I rue the day I found you." Merasmus took a deep breath. "MERCINEUS INCEN- "

"What?" exclaimed the Bombinomicon in shock. "You want me to blow up my friend? No way."

"I am your master!" howled the irate sorcerer. "Do as I command!"

"Go boil your head!"

"Uh, can we hurry dis up, please?" asked the Scout from where he lay. "Hate to bother you guys, but, uh, I'm kinda in pain down here."

Merasmus growled in frustration and ground his teeth together.

"We will talk later, Bombinomicon. And as for you!" He stared angrily at the nine men. "The book of bombs may not listen to me, but I still have my own magic."

"Like hell you do!" sneered Soldier. "You know three spells, and two of them are card tricks!"

"Did you really think I'd reveal the full extent of my power to you, Soldier?"

"Do not ask me questions I cannot answer, maggot!"

"Of course you can't." He raised his staff.

"SERVERUS LAGUTO!"

And the RED team was no more.