The Teufort Nine's Wizard-Fueled Adventure

"Did ye have'ta stop by that apple tree? I thought you said Medic was in trouble?"

"FRUIT IS GOOD FOR EAGLES. THAT IS A FACT, PRIVATE!"

"But-"

"ARE YOU ARGUING WITH THE TRUTH? I AM TRUTH! JUSTICE! AND THE AMERICAN WAY!"

Heavy liked Ponyville. It was small, free of explosions, and was at a reasonable temperature - three things that their usual RED posting lacked. Unless the monthly rotation brought them to Coldfront, or one of the scarce few places like it, Heavy spent his days sweating in the perpetual heat - and Coldfront wasn't much better either, as it merely traded one extreme for another. Admittedly, Heavy was far more accustomed to the below-freezing levels, but that did not mean that he enjoyed them.

There was one thing that was making him uneasy, however. The little ponies that trotted happily through Ponyville's cobbled streets displayed a rainbow of bright colours - red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, and violet, not to mention every other colour in between. Most of these hues Heavy had no trouble with. Except one.

He knew that they would not pose any threat. Besides, they were so small! But he still cast a watchful eye over any blue pony, just in case they made any sudden movements.

"So, what are your friends like?" asked Pinkie Pie. Thank goodness she was red, or at least a shade of red. He felt more comfortable about that.

"Well, they are... what is word... they are unique," said Heavy with a smile. "Is long story for each. Doktor you already know, but there is also Scout, and Spy-"

"Ooh, ooh! Tell me about them!" she exclaimed. "Do they get along well?"

Heavy laughed. "They annoy each other. Spy says Scout is childish, Scout loves annoying Spy. They are very different. Scout, he is never stopping moving, always flying through the air. He is boaster, thinking very highly of himself, but is all in fun." He paused. "Is boaster correct word?"

"And what about Spy?"

"Well..."

"...and then Rainbow Dash was all like "I'm goin' in!" and the dragon's all "Nuh-uh!" and swipes her and she goes down and it's like oh no, Dashie's dead! but at the end she's in the hospital, but then Fluttershy comes flying up to meet the dragon and she goes "Stay away from my friends!" and the dragon tries to flame her but she's got this Stare thing and it freezes the dragon and he's, like, a thousand feet in the air and he hits the ground and smashes into pieces!"

Spy groaned weakly.

"Oh, and that reminds me of my next favourite episode!" jabbered Scout. "So there's these things called Parasprites, and they're these cute little bugs but they eat things so they're like flying piranha fish, and they're going to eat Ponyville and-"

"Mon Dieu, will you shut up already!"

"Sorry."

"Do you know how long it will be before we arrive at Ponyville?" asked Spy, anxious to change the subject.

"About ten minutes. Then we can find Twilight and the rest of the guys."

"And she will be able to help us? Intriguing as this body is, I do not wish to be stuck in it for any length of time."

"Don't worry! Twilight always knows what to do. That's why she's a main character!" Scout paused as memory surfaced in his mind. "And, y'know, speaking of changing bodies..."

Spy's eyes widened in horror. "Scout, I am warning you-"

"That reminds me of another episode! So Twilight found this spell by this guy called Starswirl the Bearded..."

"And that, comrade Pinkie, is why we call it the Spycrab!"

The pair exploded into laughter, tears streaming down their faces. The heads of several passers-by turned as the noise reached them, but the population of Ponyville was accustomed to Pinkie Pie's behaviour - that is, as accustomed as her erratic antics would allow. As the laughter dissolved into gasps for breath, another noise broke the silence. A deep rumbling sound emerged from Heavy's furry belly.

"Sounds like someone's hungry."

"Da," the minotaur replied. "Doktor says that we were asleep for very long time before we came to Ponyville. Has been long time since Heavy had food."

"Well, let's go get some! My treat! What do minotaurs like you eat?" Heavy gave a broad grin.

"Sandvich!"

"Which house?" yelled Demoman as he clung on with all his might to the streak of red-and-white feathers and fury.

"ALL OF THEM!"

"Nae! Where's Medic?"

"THAT ONE!"

"Not a big help, Soldier!"

"NEGATORY! EAGLE CHARGE!"

"Well, to be frank, such a thing isn't commonplace and to transport all nine of you back would take an extraordinary feat of magic," said Twilight, shaking her head. "I certainly couldn't perform the spell myself, but there are other means. Luckily," she said with a smile, "I happen to live in a library, so I can probably find a solution to your troubles without having to contact Princess Celestia for guidance."

"Und vhat of our current species?"

"Ah, that is a far easier matter. If you are all gathered in one place, it should be relatively trivial to transform you all back. Of course, you would need to find the rest of your team first. I'm sure, given your unique predicament, that the Princess would be more than happy to assist you in any way - after all, you are from another world!"

"Possibly even anozher universe."

"That only makes it even more important! I'll get to work immediately. In the meantime..."

"In the meantime I will locate Heavy and search zhe rest of Ponyville. After all, zhere is a chance zhat some of zhem are here."

Just as Twilight turned towards the library, there was a knock on the door. And then another. Someone quite impatient was on the other side.

"Spike!" called Twilight, "can you get the door?" There was no reply from the dragon, so she made her way towards the door herself. But as she was about to turn the doorhandle, Medic felt a sudden surge of horror. Something - someone - familiar was behind the door, and something was about to happen.

"Tvilight!" shrieked Medic, lunging towards the purple unicorn. "Don't open zhat-"

"Screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiin' Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees!"

"Och!" said Demoman as he woozily extracted himself from the heap of groaning bodies and rubble. "Didn't see that one coming, did ye? That'll teach ye fer bein' a door!"

The Demoman proceeded to fall back onto the heap of groaning bodies and rubble.