The Teufort Nine's Wizard-Fueled Adventure

Medic sighed, rolling his eyes.

"Translation, bitte, Herr Heavy."

"You are good friend, Doktor, but talking over another's words is bad manners. Pinkie is new friend, and should be treated so."

There was a spirited discussion travelling back and forth between the ridiculously named Pinkie Pie and the lizard thing. And to make matters worse, Medic couldn't understand a single thing they were neighing about. Now I understand how Scout feels when Heavy and I converse, he thought. He quelled his frustration by attempting to muse on the workings of his front hooves, the grasping mechanism in particular. They were rather odd, there being no indents for the creation of suction, no pores, nothing. The underside of the hoof was flat, but prodding with his other hoof combined with a remarkable balancing act indicated that it was slightly spongy, with about as much sensitivity (as far as Medic could make out) as a hand. He attempted picking up the book again, this time attempting to utilise the spongy layer to get some kind of grip, but failed miserably. He sighed again, taking some consolation in the fact that the discussion was drawing to a close.

"Vell, zhey appear to have stopped. Vould you kindly fill me in, bitte?"

From the one-sided half of the conversation that Heavy could supply, Medic could glean several things. It seemed that the lizard thing was in fact a young dragon by the name of Spike, who had been adopted by the owner of the house. Or some arrangement similar to adoption, anyway. The dragon had gone on to say that the owner of the house, a female unicorn (mare?) named Twilight and the friend of whom Pinkie had spoke of, had danced out of the house not twenty minutes ago.

Spike did not seem happy about this.

After a few more moments of conversation, followed by Spike disappearing back up the stairs, Pinkie turned to Heavy, evidently offering an explanation. Medic waited semi-patiently, listening to Heavy's "Da"s and murmurs of affirmation. Then Heavy straightened up, turning back to the unicorn.

"Pinkie says to Spike that we are new to town and do not speak language well. Spike tells Pinkie that Twilight can help us."

"Zhank you, Heavy. Try not to get too friendly viz zhe locals, zhough. Remember zhat ve are not planning to stay here for long, und I do not vant zhem to hear any incriminating evidence or tales of our employment."

"But-"

"Ve are here only until ve can get hold of some kind of map, und zhen ve vill leave as soon as ve can find zhe ozhers. Vhat you must please try to remember, mein freund, is zhat ve have employers to return to. I for vun enjoy zhe police immunity RED provides, und I am sure it is zhe same for you."

"But-"

"Nein, Heavy." Medic relented. "Look, if it makes you feel better maybe Herr Engineer can construct some kind of teleporter link to zhis place. Honestly, you are a brutal mercenary and yet here you are, fawning over... fluffy ponies!"

"...Da, Doktor."

All of a sudden there were horse noises coming from outside the door. Pinkie squealed something and Heavy nodded in agreement. This did nothing to ease Medic's frustration at the apparent language barrier. And then the door opened, and in came a purple unicorn...

...With the angry orange hat-wearing pony by her side.

"Ach, nein..."

Before Twilight (for it was she) could say anything, the Angry Hat-Wearing Pony of Death raised a limb, pointing a hoof at Medic and Heavy with wide eyes. The AHWPoD neighed something angrily, prompting a startled reaction from Pinkie and Twilight. This did not look too good.

The AHWPoD took a step towards Medic, who let out a squeak and stumbled back to hide behind the minotaur.

"Heavy!" he shrieked as the AHWPoD started closing the gap between them, to the protests of the other two ponies in the room. "Do something!"

"Hey, Soldier!" called Demoman from a nearby bush. "I've got a little somethin' for ye!"

The griffon complied, loping over to where the zebra was standing. "Ta-da!"

"Doth mine eagle-eyes betray me?" whispered Soldier. No, they did not, for grasped in Demoman's hoof grip was a helmet. His helmet. He clasped the dull grey M1 helmet tightly to his feathery chest, a smile somehow plastered on his beak. Then he raised it to his head, saluting the Demoman.

"Thanks, soldier. This will suffice until we have declared Merasmus officially dead."

"Ach, 'twas nothing."

"Now, move out!"

But before the Soldier had traveled more than a few steps, he stopped dead, holding his newly helmeted head in his talons as if some griffon-sensitive dog whistle had gone off in the immediate vicinity.

"You all right?"

"Negative. My Medic-senses are tingling."

"Yer... what?"

"We do not have time for idle chit-chat. Onto my gloriously American back!" Not being one to argue with Soldier, the Demoman did as he was told. And so it was to his surprise when Soldier lifted into the air, his wings a-flapping.

"Forwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaard!"

Later.

"Why does Doktor look upset?" asked Heavy, glancing sideways at the unicorn.

"Because, in case you have not noticed, instead of finding zhe remainder of RED und returning to base, ve are seated here alongside zhe angry hat-wearing pony eating cupcakes!"

"Doktor must admit, they are tasty cupcakes."

Medic scowled at his comrade. Sitting at a table with three apparently intelligent ponies and a dragon, plus a tray of cupcakes Pinkie had seemingly pulled out of thin air, was not what he would call a profitable exercise. It was certainly doing nothing to find his team-mates. On the other hand, Pinkie's intervention had quelled the AHWPoD's ire (who, they had been informed, went by the name of Applejack).

"I am afraid zhat I cannot truthfully say zhat zhe cupcakes are tasty." Heavy gasped.

"How can Doktor say that?"

"Because I cannot eat zhem!" cried Medic. "A lack of fingers does not leave much dexterity for zhe handling of zhe foodstuffs!"

"Then-"

"NEIN!" Medic suddenly cut off Heavy with a sharply uttered refusal, much to the surprise of the other ponies at the table (who were obliviously discussing some matter amongst themselves), and causing several to drop their own cupcakes. Tauntingly adhered to their hooves, no less. "You say zhat zhe purple pony can aid viz zhe matter of speech. You say zhat zhe purple pony can aid viz zhe matter of our whereabouts. And yet here we are, yet again sidetracked, by your reckless fraternisation viz zhe locals! To say nozhing about your 'new friend', who you have known for all of fifteen minutes!" Medic stopped, suddenly aware of the four pairs of eyes now on him. He took a breath, calmness returning to his voice. "I... I am sorry for zhe shouting. It is just..."

"Da. Doktor." An uncomfortable silence fell, broken after a few seconds by a few neighs and snorts from the pink pony.

This must have been a joke of some kind, and a funny one at that, because the three individuals who could actually understand Pinkie Pie began to laugh. Only Medic's heart continued to sink, left out of the loop as he was.

"Doktor..."

Why had he snapped like that? What had happened to make him so tense? Such an outburst, especially to Heavy, was unlike him.

"Dok-tor..."

Would Heavy even understand? Did Pinkie's words even do anything at all to assuage the situation, or was it just a bout of nervous laughter? Medic wished that he knew.

"Oh, well. Fire!"

What cruel twist of fate had ended him up in this body in the first place? Where was he? How did this new body of his even work? There were so many questions that needed to be answered, and yet...

Wait, did Heavy just say-