The Teufort Nine's Wizard-Fueled Adventure

"This is undignified."

"Well, look at you, using a word of more than two ssssyllables."

"Shut up."

"Anyway, it'ssss not like I can move or anything. You can levitate, sssso I think that I've got the worse end of the deal."

The Bombinomicon was floating through the air, wearing the handle of a red child's wagon around its middle. The Eyelander lay on the wagon's bed, as it lacked levitational skills or indeed any means of moving itself around.

"Can you float any fasssster? I think that wizard might know we're here."

"Eyelander, please. I've been living with the idiot in a dress for the past two thousand years. I know his magical signature like my own contents page."

"But you can't ssssee your own contentssss page."

"Not the point. The point is that I know where he is."

The two of them continued to make their way down the sparkling, translucent corridor, the wagon wheels squeaking as they turned.

"Well, if that'ssss right, do you know where we are? It'ssss definitely not Lakesssside."

"Not a clue. I'm not sure why Meras-"

"Don't ssssay his name!" The Bombinomicon rolled its glowing, red eyes - an impressive feat, seeing as it had no eyeballs to roll - and sniggered. "I mean it! You're a magical book, you should know these thingssss."

"Merasmus!"

"Stop it!"

"Merasmus, Meras- "

"SHUT UP!" screeched the Eyelander, emitting a sound akin to fingernails down a blackboard. It also had the effect of causing the Bombinomicon to stop pulling the cart, and to start writhing in acute discomfort mid-air. "Thank you."

"What was that for?"

"Turn to page 157, will you? I want to show you something. Idiot."

"Okay, okay, no need to be grouchy." The Bombinomicon floated out from the wagon's handle, and flipped through its pages. "Aha! Page 157. Now what?"

"Ahem. Ip... inssss... ah, shove it. It'ssss in Latin. Transssslate, pleasssse!"

"You're really wanting me to slow down so you can prove a point?"

"I have double sssstandardssss, and a crushing dependency on being proven right. That'ssss better. Ahem, again. The sword paused dramatically. ""If you ssssay the name of a magical being three timessss in a magical environment, then you're an idiot and whoever it issss you just accidentally ssssummoned will ruin your life forever." Huh. I expected a little bit more poetic language, coming from the Romanssss."

"Well, I am a fifteenth edition, transcribed faithfully from the Sumerian into today's language. And the Sumerians weren't exactly the most flowery of speakers. Seriously, some of the passages in here would make an Australian blush."

"Fifteenth edition?"

"Yeah." The Bombinomicon slammed shut, and slotted back into the wagon's handle.

"Sssso, what happened to the other fourteen copiessss?"

"Ate them." There was no reply. "I said, I ate them!"

"I heard. I wassss raissssing my eyebrowssss."

"You don't have any eyebrows."

"I worked that out on my own, thank you."

The two of them were silent for a while, as the wagon trundled squeakily down the overly long corridor. Eventually, the Eyelander spoke.

"Sssso, um, where exactly are we going?"

"Top of this castle. I'll see if I can find us a landmark."

"Uh-huh. Ssssay, do you know where everybody issss? I mean, thissss is a castle, and there are usually people living in castlessss, right?" A positive grunt from the Bombinomicon. "Right. Sssso, where is everyone? 'Cause I can keep tabssss on every head within ten kilometressss, but I'm not getting anything."

"Miles."

"You can have your wierdo imperial to yourself, and I'll use metric. Along with literally every normal person on the planet. That's beside the point, though."

"Maybe the people who live here don't have heads."

"Gah! Don't ssssay that!"

"Aaaagh! When is thissss freakin' corridor going to be over! I'm bored!"

"Your contribution has been noted." There was a brief pause.

"Ssssay, Bombie?"

"Please don't call me that."

"Fine. Bomb-in-om-ic-on. Whatever. Anyway, how are we going to get back home?"

"Pardon?"

"Back home. You know, where we were before we were teleported?"

"Okay. Well, you see, there's a bit of a problem on that respect. Thing is, that spell that Mera- the idiot in a dress put on everyone wasn't exactly the best one to use given the circumstances." He paused. "I hear a lack of "do tell, Bombinomicon", or "how thrilling, Bombinomicon" from back there, but I'll continue regardless. The problem is that the Serverus Laguto spell... well, what do you think it does?"

"Um, banishessss the targetssss to a hideous universe filled with evil monstrosities?"

"Close. It banishes everyone within 200,000 miles- "

"321,868.8 kilometres, actually."

"Will you shut up? Anyway, it banishes everyone within 200,000 miles to a hideous universe filled with evil monstrosities. This one, to be precise. That means that when Mr. Wizard did his little magic trick, he shifted the entire population of Earth over to here."

"Oh." The Eyelander thought for a moment. "How exactly did you find this out, by the way?"

"I read the book it was in after he stole it from the Atlanteans. Quite a cute little book, actually. Man, talk about a hardback."

"...and now I have the feeling that 'reading the book' means something a little different to you than it does to me."

"Not saying anything."

"Anyway, I thought that Atlantis was a myth."

"I think that's Atlanta you're thinking of."

"Care for a ssssong?"

"Go stab an anvil."

"Fine. Forssssake my delightful voice. Ssssee if I care."

They were approaching a junction, where the glittering corridor met up with another such corridor. And engraved into the wall, a few metres ahead of them, was a message carved into the wall.

"Bombinomicon! What'ssss that message ssssay?" The book looked.

"Um... squiggle, squiggle, weird squiggle, dotted squiggle, thingy. That's the first line, do you want me to read more?"

"Very funny. Can you move the cart sssso I can have a look?" The Bombinomicon obliged. "Hey! It's in Gaelic! I can read this!"

"And... ?"

"Castle observation point - ahead 200 metres. Hah! Metric, see?"

"No need to rub it in."