The Roast
Meanwhile, Spike had returned soon after, quite pissed that Twilight had made him trek all the way to Manehattan, just to pick up three thousand sheets of parchment. He dropped the purchases on the floor and made his way to his beckoning bed. As soon as he reached the top of the staircase, he immediately noticed that Twilight and Shinning were in bed together. It wouldn’t have bothered him, save for the face that Twilight’s face was dripping with semen.
“Holy hell! I hate my life.” He cursed as he turned around and descended the stairs and left the library.
He sulked and cried as he went to Sugar Cube Corner, where he would drown his sorrows in donuts. Pinkie Pie was just about to close up when she noticed the purple dragon enter the shop. She recognized his sadness and pouted commensurably.
“Aw, what’s the matter Spiky?” She asked.
“Where do I start? How about everything!” He wailed, taking a seat at a nearby table.
“Oh, It can’t be that bad. Tell me everything and Auntie Pinkie Pie will cheer you right up.”
“Okay,” Spike surrendered, “I think that Samuel Laird, er… I mean Twystron500 has been writing me into Fanfictions again.”
“What gives you that idea?”
“Twilight just randomly asks me to travel five miles to Manehattan just to buy some parchment, only so that I could return and find her sleeping with her brother.” He explained.
“That doesn’t sound too bad.”
“She had semen all over her!”
“Oh,” Pinkie deduced, “that does sound like some shit Twystron500 would pull.”
“I know, right. I’m so helplessly out of character and I’d rather play baseball with a live hand grenade.”
“And I want to deep throat a hot poker!”
“And I want to play jump rope with razor wire!”
“And I want to play Russian roulette with a fully loaded revolver.”
“That’s nothing, I want to play hopscotch in an African minefield.”
“And I want to butt-fuck an energized blender.”
“And I want to sodomize a toaster.”
“It’s so bad, I want to juggle nitroglycerine.”
“And I want to play chicken with a scud missile.”
“And I want to butt-chug hydrochloric acid.”
“And I want to bathe in Texas Pete.”
“And I want to slip ‘n’ slide on salty gravel!”
“What’s worse is I want to poison an orphanage.”
“Even better, I want to piss shit and shit piss.”
“Good one! I want to galvanize my genitals!”
“I want to play Operation with an electrical outlet, whatever that is.”
“And I want to shotgun with a forest fire.”
“That’s nothing, I’d rather swan dive into a vat of Ponyville’s collective menstruations!”
“I can top that by wanting to…”
“Wait, why don’t we summon Twystron500 and give him the comedy roast he doesn’t deserve!” Pinkie thought aloud.
“Great idea, let’s do this.”
Five minutes later, they had summoned Samuel to the world of Equestria magically somehow and had sat him down in a poorly built throne in front of a crowed of angry ponies, all waiting to heckle the retarded author. Samuel seemed rather confused that for all the reason’s he could be in Ponyville, it was just so they could make fun of him.
Pinkie grabbed a microphone from the mic stand and addressed the disgruntled audience.
“Welcome everypony to the roast of Samuel Laird! He’s had this a long time coming, so let’s give him a warm welcome!”
The crowed all booed and threw trash at the human guest. A particularly large forty bottle nearly gave him a concussion from a drunk pony.
“Easy now! Save it for the roasters.” Pinkie demanded. “All in due time.”
Rainbow Dash was the first to cross the stage. She shot Samuel a sad backwards glance before beginning.
“I have to say, before I take a stab at Samantha here, I must admit he’s not one of the annoying writers that make my character out to be a lesbian.” She admitted. “But he still couldn’t write his way out of an open cardboard box!”
The audience roared with laughter. Samuel just shrugged and smiled.
“It’s sad enough this guy hit ever branch of the ugly tree when he fell out of it, but then he chopped it down and used it to make paper to write shitty Fanfictions!”
The crowed laughed again.
“How many Twystron500s does it take to change a light bulb?” She joked. “It never happened because he sat in the dark and jerked off to rule 34!”
“Oh come on!” Samuel roared. “It was just Fluttershy porn! Everypony does it.”
“Whatever, save it for the judge.” She said as she left the stage.
Pinkie Pie approached the mic and cleared her throat.
“I read one of Twystron500’s Fics, now I can only read brail.”
The audience collectively chuckled.
“No, no! It’s a good thing.” Pinkie assured. “Thanks to all the suicides his writing caused, over population on earth has been resolved.”
“Yeah!” A random pony cheered.
“But, seriously, he’s really a talented guy, when he isn’t passed out naked on the street! What’s up with that!?”
More hollers erupted.
Pinkie left the stage and a very angry Twilight Sparkle grabbed the mic. Samuel sunk in his chair, fearing the criticism to come.
“For a virgin, this guy knows a lot about sex!” She declared.
Laughter ensued.
“So he watches porn, but how does he know what semen smells like anyways?”
“Oh come on!” Samuel yelled. “Everypony masturbates!”
“But not as gaily as you.”
“Shit.” He swore.
“The Royal Guard has weaponized all of Twystron’s stories and are using them to fight terrorism as we speak.”
“Well at least I’m doing some good.” Samuel acknowledged.
“It’s a horrible death trying to masturbate to the loopy shit you write.”
The audience all stomped the ground and cheered.
“Whatever.” He dismissed.
Fluttershy was the last pony to take to the stage. She nervously approached the mic and adjusted it just so.
“I love all animals, except Twyston500.” She chuckled softly.
Samuel face palmed.
“Look on the Brightside, at least he’s promoting birth control. No mommy wants a retarded child like that.”
“Hey, I happen to be a well educated Airman, Fluttercry!” Samuel rebutted.
“So that’s why the military accepted you, because you’re too stupid to flip burgers even.”
“Oh for the love of god just send me home! It’s passed my bed time!” Samuel begged.
“Not until I’ve said my piece!” A radiant voice cried.
Everypony bowed to appreciate the presence of Princess Celestia, save Samuel, who just pretended to jack off and fling the spunk at her. The white alicorn took the mic and spoke.
“So, I might be royalty, but not as royally a pain in the ass as Twyston500.”
“Bob Saget!” Samuel cursed.
“I initially thought that all Twystron500’s Fanfics should be banished to the moon, then I realized that he would just write more.”
“True, true.” Samuel admitted.
“So I thought about banishing him to the moon, but I realized that he would just find a way to return to earth using his retard powers.”
“Yeah, so?” Samuel encouraged.
“So I figure that somepony should just kill him dead.”
The audience roared.
“But then I thought, he would just make pony hell a worse place, so I think I should just lock him in a lead crate and feed him tree moss.”
“No!” Samuel exclaimed.
“I have something to say!” A familiar pony yelled.
Berry Punch walked over to the stage and reached the princess.
“Proceed.” Celestia permitted.
“So I’ve been killed and raped because of this guy, and surprisingly enough, neither has happened to him yet."
Pinkie Pie quickly manned a stage side drum kit.
*bum bum tish!*
“He wrote me out of character so many times, I forget what species I am, just like his father, who fucked the seacow who gave birth to him.”
*bum bum tish!*
“Samuel talks the same way about sex the way a diabetic fantasizes about donuts.”
*bum bum tish!*
“Keep it above the belt please!” Samuel begged.
“Samuel couldn’t find the G-spot on a blue whale, even if there was a neon sign pointing to it.”
*bum bum tish!*
“Ouch.” Samuel said as he clutched his chest.
“Samuel is so retarded that even down syndrome kids make fun of him.”
“That’s it! I’m out of here!” Samuel shouted.
Twystron500 jumped off the throne and flung himself out a nearby window.
The End
Eek! It's a Taboo!
By Twystron500
It was mid-afternoon. Shining Armor and Twilight Sparkle were enjoying a pleasant meal at a local restaurant. The couple dined beneath a parasol as they talked, catching up on each other’s lives. Twilight was especially happy about the engagement because it provided her the opportunity to discuss something that had been bothering her lately.
“Being Captain of the Royal Guard must have some amazing perks.” Twilight wondered aloud. “I bet your ribbon rack must take up half your uniform.”
“Yeah, I’ve been decorated quite a bit over the years,” Shining revealed. “but it’s a difficult job that can’t be taken lightly.”
“You’re just so amazing! I almost feel like I’m living in the shadow of your achievements.”
“Don’t put it like that, you are an awesome mare who has achieved plenty of great things too.”
“Thanks, you always know what to say.”
The two returned to their meals and soon finished. Shining was scheduled to depart to Canterlot the next morning, sadly enough, but he couldn’t neglect his duties. Twilight paid for the meal and both began to travel back to her home.
“I sure hate I’m leaving.” Shining moped. “The hardest part about living in Canterlot is the distance issue.”
“I know,” Twilight agreed, “I almost wish I was living back home with you.”
“It’s okay. I expect that I will be visiting more often in the future.”
“Good, I can’t stand us being so far apart.”
The two reached the library and entered. Twilight half expected that Spike would be there to greet them, but then she remembered that he was off running errands for her.
“Won’t you stay the night?” Twilight asked in the hopes that they could spend more time together. “I have plenty of room for the both of us.”
“I don’t want to insist…”
“It’s nothing really, please make yourself at home.”
The two silently agreed to sit at the table and continue chatting. Shining Armor suddenly remembered the champagne he had brought along and decided it was the proper time to drink it.
“It’s nothing really special, just something I was gifted at the wedding.”
“Wow, that’s really nice of you, but wouldn’t you rather enjoy it with Cadence?”
“Not really, she doesn’t drink anyways.” Shining revealed. “Besides, you are worth it.”
Twilight smiled at her brother’s sentiment. Nothing made her happier than being with her handsome, older brother; it was like life was complete when he was around. Shinning filled a couple of glasses with the bubbly liquid and presented her with one.
“This definitely deserves a toast.” Shining figured.
“I couldn’t agree more.”
They both raised their glasses.
“To my beautiful sister and best friend forever.”
The glasses clanked together and both took a drink.
“Very nice.” Said Shining as he enjoyed the taste.
“It is very aromatic.”
“We'd better finish the bottle; champagne doesn’t sit well.”
Another round was poured and drank. This continued until the bottle was empty. Conversations ensued and Twilight was explaining the rigors of her studies to Shining, who listened intently to her every word. She was just about to dive into the topic of magic theory when she stopped, realizing that Shining must be bored out his mind.
“I’m sorry, I must be droning.” She apologized.
“Oh you’re fine.”
“I just don’t know what else to say, I feel like I’m going to offend you if I really speak my mind.”
“Feeling a little tipsy?”
Twilight giggled, realizing she was pretty buzzed.
“You know, alcohol is something of a truth serum. I can attest to that fact.”
“That’s true, I’ve said some pretty compromising things under the influence.”
“We all have.”
Twilight suddenly felt a wave sadness fill her. It was the depression that she experienced every time her brother left. She realized how complete she was when he was with her. Soon that was going to end. How Twilight longed to kill the pain and make it all better. If only she could muster the courage to tell him what she was really thinking, then maybe she could learn to live with it.
“Shining…”
“Yeah Twily?”
“Do… do you ever, um, feel like there’s something special about our relationship?” She asked softly.
“What do you mean?”
Twilight quickly digressed, knowing that they weren’t on the same page.
“Oh, nothing, it’s just I always thought that you were really special, even as a filly. I wanted to marry you when I was young because I loved you so much.”
Shining blushed lightly, actually remembering the fake wedding they pretended to have had when they were foals. There were even vows spoken. Twilight began give up on trying to recollecting; there was no way to explain it without being blunt and she didn’t have the courage.
“I’m so sorry brother, I know I’ve made you uncomfortable.” She began to cry.
She left her seat and began to ascend the stairs to her bedroom, tripping, in her drunken state, over the steps a few times.
“Twilight, wait.” Shining pleaded.
His words were ignored. He got up and followed her, hoping he could help in some way. After a short climb, he found her crying into a pillow on her bed. He sighed and slowly approached her bedside and gave her mane a stroke. Twilight raised her head and acknowledged him with teary eyes.
“I’m sorry.” She apologized again weakly.
“You haven’t done anything, there's no need.”
“How selfish could I be to only think what I felt was relevant?”
“No Twily, your not selfish. I really respect your thoughts and feelings.”
“You’re being way too easy on me.” She whimpered as she turned from him.
Shining leaned over the bed and drew Twilight into a hug. She initially refused to accept it, but then gave in and wrapped her fore hooves around his neck. It must have been the alcohol, but against his usual nature, Shining felt a twinge of arousal. He tried to remove the notion from his mind, but it couldn’t be shrugged. He wanted to shower his pretty little sister with all the love and appreciation she deserved.
“I love you sis,” He whispered. “Nothing can ever change that.”
Shining Armor hesitantly, but inevitably, lifted his chin off Twilight’s shoulder and pecked her gently on the cheek. Her soft fur felt so silky and warm against his body. She stopped crying and opened her eyes, looking into his with a mixture of love and affection. Twilight, to his surprise, planted a quick kiss on his lips. Shining was at a loss for thoughts regarding what was happening, so he just let his body have free reign over what occurred. It was like he had crossed the event horizon of a stellar object: no going back.
Another kiss from Twilight sealed the deal. They locked lips and made out passionately in the form of a French kiss that never seemed to end. The taste of champagne still lingered in their mouths as their tongues worked around each others in sloppy circles. Twilight broke the kiss; a string of saliva connect between the two until it freed itself from Shining and landed against her chin, which she licked off. She held Shining even closer and pulled him onto the bed. She then rolled onto her back and let him straddle her waist. Shining took in the sight of his younger sister laying beneath him; it made him feel like an wild animal, but he did all he could to suppress it. Twilight looked back at him through sexy, half-lidded eyes and a pleased smile on her face.
“Twilight,” He said in a quavering voice, “I don’t know what’s going to happen, but, please promise to forgive…”
“Shh,” Twilight softly interrupted. “I feel all our lives have been building up to a moment like this. Now, please take me from behind.”
That was sudden. Shining could feel himself shaking from anticipation and sexual excitement. His body was ready.
“Are… are you sure?”
Twilight closed her eyes and nodded. Shining leaned in and gave her another kiss before dismounting her. Twilight turned onto her belly and arched her back all she could so her cute little butt was in the air.
Twilight figured that if this was going to happen, then I was going to happen in the most extreme way possible. She wanted her big, strong, caring brother to have something that Cadence might never give him; something that she could only provide.
Shining was panting heavily as he stared at her gorgeous body; her shimmering mane, her beautiful, flirty purple eyes, her round, supple butt. It was almost more than he could bear. Twilight closed her hind legs together, clearly, he was going to have to work for it, but that was going to be half the fun.
The Royal Guard Captain gulped and positioned himself behind her. He stroked his hoof against her left butt cheek, feeling it’s firmness. Twilight giggled embarrassedly as she squeezed the pillow she resting her head on. Shinning felt his heart beating faster and faster with each passing moment. He had never wanted and unwanted anything so much in his life; the former took over.
Shining stepped over his sister’s back so that he was completely over her body. He could feel her quivering expectantly. He didn’t know much about his little sis’s sex life, but he assumed she was a virgin in all respects.
He slowly leaned forward until he felt her plush butt against his groin; his sizable member rubbing against her cheeks. It created a sensation so incredibly painful and pleasurable it almost hurt to feel so good. Shining tried to learn about the topography of his sister's rear by teasingly adjusting his position, looking for the proper destination. He felt Twilight gasp and flinch when his head made contact against her pussy folds, parting them slightly. With a little thrust, he managed to sink it inside before it popped back out again. Twilight exhaled sharply. With another well placed push, he sent his disco stick home, clearly being welcomed this time by her love socket.
“Oh, Shining, tell me I’m you sister, tell me I’m your sister.” Twilight begged.
Shining leaned so that his head was next to hers.
“You’re my… sexy, little sister… and I love you more than anything.”
Twilight sighed and repositioned her head on the bed. Shining began to enter her carefully, hoping that if there was a hymen to penetrate, it wouldn’t hurt her much. After he felt he had at least half his shaft in her, he withdrew until it was nearly out, then drove it back in again a little further. This slowly developed into a rhythm, increasing in frequency over time. Twilight’s breathing began to sound rough and labored. Soon, the sex turned into full-on fucking: balls slapping against her clit with a ‘smack’ each thrust. If Twilight was flowered before, she sure wasn’t now. Twilight was amazed at the sheer enormity of her brother’s stallion hood. It pushed her to the very limits of her capacity. Sweat beaded along the Captain’s brow as he knocked the back of Twilight’s love tunnel again and again. It took all Shinning’s might to keep from blowing his load right there and then; the tightness of Twilight’s sweet, tight cunt caressing his dick like satin, her cute little moans filling the room. Twilight was rapidly approaching an orgasm.
“Oh! Oh! I’m coming! Uh!” Twilight cried, squeezing her pillow tightly.
That sexy fact alone almost made him as well, but he thought about something off topic to cool his loins. Twilight screamed loudly as she felt an avalanche of pleasure envelope her brain. She thought she might have an aneurysm from it’s intensity. Trickles of transparent cum gushed out from around Shining’s engorged stallion hood. That cued Shining to wrap things up and slow down the thrusting. He gave her a few more full-on strokes before slowly removing his incredibly hard dick from her. It left her with a ‘slishing’ sound and dangled freely as it pulsated to the beat of his heart.
“That was incredible.” She praised with a muffled voice from her pillow.
“You haven’t felt anything yet.” He said before kissing the back of her ear.
“Mmm,” She purred, “Give me all you got.”
‘You heard the lady' his libido told him. He positioned his still very erect penis against her clinched butt, making Twilight flinch slightly. With a teasing amount of delay, he managed to fight against her sweet ass cheeks. After a little prodding, he defeated the resistance thanks to the lubrication that Twilight had endowed him with. One final shove caused her to gasp sharply; he was in the right spot.
“Tell me if it’s too much.”
“Fuck me and that’s an order soldier.” Twilight demanded.
Shining, without much hesitation, began to press his head against her delightfully tight opening. Twilight closed her eyes tight, knowing she was in for one hell of a ride. It was taking a good bit of effort, but it was a fortunate thing that his dick was still dripping with juices and precum, otherwise it might not happen altogether. Shining, out of sheer eagerness, decided to make a sudden wedging motion to feed his member into her virgin ass. Twilight was writhing in pleasure; it felt so good to have Shining’s massive penis prod her most sensitive area. Finally, Twilight couldn’t take it anymore. She bucked her hips quickly and nearly shrieked when she felt an entire third of her brother’s cock plow right in. She covered her mouth with her hooves to stifle the cries. Shining grit his teeth from the intensity of the entry and was sure he might have ejaculated slightly.
“Twily…” He struggled to speak.
Twilight didn’t answer, she was too caught up in the pleasant warm burning sensation she was feeling in her rear. The blue maned stallion had held up for a while, just so his sis could get used to the surprise guest she was fixing to fully accommodate.
“Ready?” He asked.
“Uh huh.” She answered, almost unsure about her answer.
Not a second was wasted; he slid his diamond-hard member down the length of her butt, making Twilight groan and quiver. The poor, purple unicorn thought she would collapse under the overwhelming information her brain was processing. Eventually, with a quick hump, Shining’s cock was completely inside her, balls to the wall, literally. Twilight gasped and grabbed her Smarty Pants plushy and clutched it tightly.
“It’s huge!” She cried.
She almost passed out when Shining reversed direction and pulled nearly back out, just leaving his ridged tip in. He was astonished at how hot Twilight felt from the inside. Twilight quickly noticed his stationary penis was throbbing hard against her pink circumference; it made her feel a wash of blissful nausea. How could something so wrong be so right?
Shining rammed forward again, eliciting another fit of moaning from his sister. He liked it, a lot.
In and out, in and out, faster and faster, Shining punished his little sis from the inside. Twilight became unresponsive, now that she was just along for the ride. The sound of his balls ‘whapping’ against her butt cheeks rang out, causing them to ripple from each strike. The sheer size of Shining’s penis challenging the capacity and elasticity of her opening was enough to drive her crazy, but the violent dicking was something altogether different. Somehow, as the fucking continued, she felt an orgasm building up.
“I’m… I’m gonna cum.” Twilight warned.
Shining was on the verge himself.
“Let’s cum together. Where… oh Celestia…do you want it?”
“Inside.”
Shining picked up the pace even more. Twilight had to brace herself against the headboard to prevent getting repeatedly knocked into it. What were long thrusts, turned into short, quick thrusts that mainly concentrated midway in her tunnel. He could feel the intense heat accumulating in his dick; it was about to happen.
Shining shut his eyes and shoved hard into Twilight. She screamed as she accidentally popped the head off her doll from a ferocious hug. His cock twitched so hard, even his sister could feel it. Spurt after spurt of hot, sticky love icing shot deep into Twilight’s body. She orgasmed as well, she wanted to scream, but her hoarse throat refused. Both their cum dripped down her sweaty butt cheeks in little trickles, dropping on to the bed sheets below. Shining continued to ejaculate hard, it was almost painful. He pulled-out of her and finished releasing his load onto her butt. Each spurt striped a white trail along her fur, gloppily clinging to her body. Twilight thought her heart was going to explode from the immense adrenaline and dopamine dump.
Shining remained motionless for a while, trying to catch his breath. Twilight slumped to the sticky sheets and waited for her high to die down. The blue-maned Captain couldn’t resist assessing the damage he had caused. He backed off his sister and took in the sight before him. Twilight’s butt was nearly completely glazed in semen. Her cute little vagina was glistening with lubrication and frothy love juices were leaking from her other hole.
He laid behind her and gave that irresistible snatch additional attention, not even minding he was getting his own cum on his face. He lapped her pink, tight folds, enjoying the softness and taste of her lubrication. Twilight spread her hind legs so he could access her pussy easier and raised her rump slightly.
“Princess Cadence is one lucky mare.” Twilight finally uttered.
Shining responded by pressing his muzzle even more against her, causing her to whimper. He darted his tongue in and out, occasionally rasping against her clit, causing her to wink her lips. After she was all cleaned up, he licked the vulva messily and gave it a kiss.
“That was life changing, you know.” She admitted, turning her head to look at him.
He smiled and nuzzled her neck.
“I think there’s one thing left to do tonight.” She said in a sultry voice with half lidded eyes.
Before Shining could spit a question out, Twilight had him flat on his back. She sat at the foot of the bed and looked hungrily at his slightly limp, cum saturated member. Shinning couldn’t refuse his sister’s pretty lips touching his love rod, so he didn’t object. Twilight leaned down and blew on it, sending a chill through her brother’s spine. She just smiled and nudged the tip with her nose, catching a little semen on the tip of her muzzle.
“Oh Celestia, you are so beautiful.” Shinning groaned.
Twilight gave the shaft a hard lick, making it throb. A playful nip later, and it was fully erect again. Now that it was ready for action, she engorged the tip into her mouth and licked the tip repeatedly. Shining had came once, but there was sure to be another at this rate. Twily abruptly took the whole length into her mouth and throat and held it there as long as she could. Finally, her gag reflex won over and made her cough, her warm, moist breath tickling his balls. She quickly reverted to sloppily sucking the upper half of his dick as hard as she could, her tongue lapping against the crest. Shining moaned and struggled uselessly in the throws of the sodomy induced ecstasy. Twilight began to work up and down his shaft, never losing suction against the flesh. She was making this adorable ‘chupping’ noise as she worked his member and it was driving Shining wild.
He hoped it could last forever, but the messy blow-job was just too much. Twilight noticed the taste of precum on her tongue and knew he was close again. She increased the sucking and bobbing so he would peak. A minute later and Shining arched his back and groaned loudly. His saliva drenched cock erupted again, expelling a forceful shot of creamy semen down Twilight’s throat. She gave it another suck and mouthed the next payload so she could taste it. It didn’t taste bad like she had imagined; it had a powerful salinity with sort of a bitter punch of an after taste. She loved it. Twilight released his cock, letting it shoot a creamy ribbon across her face, causing her to flinch when some hit her eye. Another blast wrapped against her nose making her wince when she accidentally snorted some. Two more loads streaked across her forehead and another clung to her bangs and dangled.
Twilight giggled as she sucked the residual cum from Shining’s penis. It was great. All she could smell was the soft, bleachy (go wash your hands in bleach; it smells just like semen!) odor of her brother’s spunk. Shining quickly flopped back down on the bed and chuckled.
“You are really something, you know that sis?”
“And you are really tasty.” She said licking a spot of semen from the corner of her mouth.
“Never in all my life did I ever think this would happen.” He admitted. “But, to my astonishment, it did.”
He arose and playfully tackled her sister, causing her to laugh as he kissed her neck. Shining digressed and looked at her face to face. He planted another kiss on her lips before licking her nose.
“You’re the best thing in my life, brother.” Twilight smiled. “And now it think I can live with you being in Canterlot, as long as you promise to visit me.”
“You got it Twily.”
The couple cuddled together on the bed of tangled sheets, whispering sweet nothings to each other and kissing. They soon drifted to sleep, exhausted from their playtime in bed.
Read the next chapter for closure...
