Weird beginnings
I don't know how I got here, why I'm here, but I do know this I love it here, this is my story.
It all started with me getting really pissed off at my brother Ray, he just sat there running his mouth about our step mom, so instead of blowing my top I went down to the river by our house and went fishing. The 'River' I was fishing by wasn't much of a river, more like a bunch of small ponds spaced well apart. The remenents of the once mighty Arkansas. The particular pool I was fishing was lined with thick reeds and had a smooth sandy bottom. it was a nice autumn day around 60 degrees. I started to doze off, and when I awoke I was on a grassy hill with a purple unicorn staring me in the face.
"Are you okay!?" The purple unicorn asked with obvious concern
"Yeah, yeah I'm fine. Where the hell am I?"
"You're in equestria or well ponyville."
"Um, not to be rude but, what the fuck is equestria?"
"It's simply the biggest and friendliest country on all of eques." Stated a white unicorn that had walked up from where her and her friends had been sitting
"I guess that answers my question." I said, slightly Irratated.
"May I ask what your name is?" Asked the purple unicorn
"Names Jack, and yours?
"Twilight"
I looked over by where the white unicorn had come from to see six ponies enjoying what looked like a picknick. Twilight, the white unicorn who had a beautiful purple mane, a blue Pegasus with a rainbow mane, another Pegasus that was yellow with a pink mane, a hyperactive earth pony that was pink with a puffy pink mane, and finally an orange earth pony with a blonde mane.
"Himynameispinkiepieandiwouldreallyliketointroduceyoutoponyvilleweregonnahaveabigpartyandeverthingomygoshitsgoinigtobegreatand." At this point I HAD to put my finger to her mouth to get her to shut up.
"God damn, I don't think Eminem can RAP that fast."
"Who's Eminem?"
At this question twilight cut in and introduced me to her friends Rarity, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, the hyperactive Pinkiepie, and Applejack.
I can already tell that me and Applejack are going to get along just fine. She just has this country feel about her that I really like.
"It's nice to meet you all. And Pinkie to answer your previous question, Eminem is rapper from where I'm from that is very well known for rapping really fast."
"Okie, doki, Loki. Oh and by the way, we're going to throw you a party later, so be sure to be at Sugar Cube Corner before sun down" stated Pinkie before bouncing away.
"Wait, where the hell's Sugar Cube Corner" I yelled after her, but she didn't hear me.
Oh well my only other problem now was that I couldn't find my fishing pole, I was always considered weird for my love, well it was more of an obsession, for fishing. I wonder if they do any kind of fishing here, and what for? salmon, bass, maybe carp. After getting side tracked, I decided to go looking for my lost fishing pole. why nobody, or pony I guess, was freaking out about a person being here was way beyond me.
(2 hours later) I still can't find that damn fishing rod, I ended up in a forest somehow. I really don't know how, I just did, the story of my life.
I ended up at this shack, but instead of thinking about the fact that there was some random ass shack in the middle of the woods, me being me, knocked on the door and was welcomed by a talking zebra. "Hello stranger, do not be scared I am no danger."
After I got done screaming like a bitch she continued to talk. She said her name was Zecora and to watch out for something called poison joke, apparently it's a blue flower that likes to play jokes on people or something. So now I'm going to find one to see what happens if I lick it.
(5 minutes later) 'Found the poison joke, tasted terrible, now my tongue is blue.'
(30 minutes later) the party I was invited to started. It wasn't hard to find Sugar Cube Corner, kinda hard to miss the giant gingerbread house. I decided to be polite and knock. After a few minuets with no response I entered the building and was instantly greeted with a loud bang, accompanied by confettie and ponies shouting surprise.
After recovering from this I noticed a table full of sweets, and then I knew I had died and gone to heaven. A beautiful pony filled heaven. After the thought crossed my mind I pinched myself simply to find that I could still feel pain, so I wasn't dead after all. Which brought up a very important question. "Hey Twilight, when I arrived here why didn't you guys completely freak out?"
"Simple, you're a new creature here in Equestria and as a princess I'm supposed to show kindness to everyone."
"Ah. I see, so you guys have a policy for kindness or something, if I were in your shoes I probably would've poked my body with a stick until I woke up then I'd run like hell back towards town."
"Ok then, are you enjoying your party?" Twilight asked nervously.
"Sure, hey do you have anything for poison joke?"
"Yeah why?"
"Cause of this." 'ahhh'
"Why is your tongue blue?"
"Because Zecora told me to look out for poison joke. So I found it and I licked it."
"Why?"
"Why not."
"Ok, well we'll have to fix that before you go to see the princesses tomorrow."
At hearing this I grabbed a Mug of cider and did a spit take. "Who are we seeing tomorrow!?"
"The princesses, and by the way when did you meet Zecora?"
"Earlier while I was in the forest."
"Why were you in the forest?"
"I was trying to find my fishing pole, I didn't find it."
At that moment pinkie jumped up and yelled"hey I found this in the forest earlier, is this it."
She then pulled out a 6'6" medium light action Shakespeare fishing rod with a Shimano sidestab reel.
"MY BABY!"
After the Party I was escorted back to a spare guest room were I spent the night.
All and all its been a great day and I still have my fishing rod, so goodnight everybody, or is it everypony now, Hmm
I'll find out later.
I woke up expecting to be in my room, but instead I woke up in a fucking gingerbread house. Now I'm ok with waking up in food, just not something you can't eat.
Pinkie came out a little bit later and I had a very important question to ask her. "Pinkie"
"Hm."
"You can bake extraordinary things, but you live in a gingerbread house not made of gingerbread, why."
"Well it's not actually mine it's the cakes, but how cool would it be if it were real ginger bread."
"See my point. Well, I'm hungry. Can't visit royalty on an empty stomach now can we."
Pinkie gave me a confused look then asked "when you say we do you mean you and me or are you saying it like princess Luna does."
I decided to give it some thought, then answered her "well I was referring to me and the voices in my head, but if you want to be included you can."
"Thanks, I really liked being included in things." She started for the door but before going inside she turned to me and said "breakfast is ready if want any, I made pancakes."
"pancakes?"
I ran inside where pinkie was waiting with a giant stack of pancakes.
After eating twilight came over and told me that the train to canterlot would be leaving soon and that princess celestia couldn't wait to see me, which confused me, no one's ever happy to see me. Oh well first time for every thing.
A few hours later we borded the train and left. After a few minutes of being on the train I fell asleep. I was awoken once canterlot was insight. It was awesome, a city built into a mountain. A fucking MOUNTAIN. I mean seriously, how structurally sound is that. What if a really fat pony went up there and broke it. Like it just fell of the fucking side or some shit.
"Are you okay." twilight said, obviously noticing my jaw drop.
"Yeah, I'm fine, just a little shocked I guess."
Twilight had her pet dragon spike with her. I had met spike earlier that day just before boarding the train. And all you guys need to know is I screamed like a bitch.
Know the dragon part was wired. What was even weirder is when he burped out a scroll.
"You've got mail" I said in a mechanic tone.
Twilight just rolled her eyes and read the scroll. After a few seconds her eyes went wide. "My brother, shining armor, is getting married. Girls my brother invited us to his wedding." Twilight shouted with joy.
"I have two questions. First, can I come. And second, will there be cake." I asked.
Pinkie jumped up and shouted "Of course you can come, and it isn't a wedding without cake."
I looked at her skeptically "The last time I was promised cake the cake was a lie."
Pinkie looked at me with a shocked expression "That's terrible."
"Yeah, I know, portal's a dick."
We had finally arrived at the train station. As we got off we were welcomed by armed guards. LOTS of armed guards. One of the guards was not armed. He wore purple armor, had a white coat, and a blue mane. "Twily" he exclaimed. Twilight ran up and gave him a hug "shining I missed you so much" she squeed.
Finally I had stepped up to get a better look at him. "Sup".
"What's that!" he exclaimed.
Twilight explained to him that I was a creature from a different universe and was here to all to the princesses. It didn't help. But the look on his, priceless.
We continued through canterlot many of the ponies staring and/or cowering. Seriously, are these guys a punch of pussies, or do the ponies in ponyville just not care. I mean, really, they just smiled and waved and these guys were acting like I was an alien or something... Don't pay attention to that previous statement. As we made our way to the castle I couldn't help but notice everyone being on edge. I also couldn't help but notice that all the guards we were seeing were white. "Hey twilight, are all the guards the same color."
"I don't think so. But I think celestia does put a spell on them so they look alike." Twilight said.
"Oh" was I my reply.
We had finally made it to the castle. It felt like hours. Yeah sure it was only a few minutes, but felt like hours to me. As we approached I started to feel nervous. Which is weird for me because I don't usually get nervous.
We walked in to the castle, and there in the throne was the largest pony I had ever seen. Prices celestia was a very tall, beautifully white alicorn with a technicolored mane that flowed like pure ether. She also had a sun on her ass.
"Hello, princess." I said getting into a bow. "My name is link. Here is the tri force." Everyone looked at me, highly confused. "'Twas, but a joke. My name is jack and it is wonderful meeting you."
She smiled at me "Hello jack, it is a pleasure meeting you as well. It's rare meeting an alien."
"Well if you want to keep out aliens the best thing to do is build a wall." Was my reply
"Ok." Is all she could say to it. "Will you be joining us at shining armor and cadences wedding."
Twilight nearly blew my ear drums out." Shining is marrying cadence!."
"Yes did you not get his letter."
"I did but I didn't get yo read all of it." Said twilight.
"Tsk, tsk, tsk, no excuses missy, you just didn't read it." I replied.
"You all should get some rest. Guard, would you please show them to the gest room." Celestia said before taking a sip of tea she would soon regret taking sip of.
"Ah, finally, some rest. Good evening sun butt." I said before leaving the room, and as I did so, I heard the unmistakable sound of a spit take.