The Curse of a Better World

“Is something wrong?”

I winced. We were sitting around Twilight's kitchen table, with two cans of tea and coffee in our middle.

“No, it's fine. It's just...” I moved around uncomfortably. “It feels... weird to sit with this body. But I'll get used to it.”

Twilight nodded. “Well then. Tell me about your world. Is it a good place?”

“Well...” I gulped. “I think a lot of different people would give you a lot of different answers, but... no. Not compared to Equestria, anyway.”

Twilight looked at Pinkie.

“Life is really hard for a lot of people,” she said. “Too hard for some.”

“It is... complicated, most of all. It's hard to find the right point to start explaining when you talk to someone who has never been there.” I nipped at my tea, mostly to buy time to order my thoughts. “Our... society is extremely complex. Kids are usually introduced to it step by step over the years, and still there are many aspects that most of them will never get in touch with. I... think the best way I can explain this is with an example. Say, Twilight... how would you describe the importance of money in Equestria? How does it work?”

“Well...” Twilight hesitated. “It's a resource with largely consistent value that we use for trade. In order to regulate the distribution of worth, rather than trading goods for each other, you can use money as a universal payment. Does that answer your question?”

“Partly. I also meant, what does it mean to ponies?”

Twilight shrugged. “It's no big deal. Everypony gets enough to live, you just have to be careful not to spend too much. I think it has a slightly higher status in bigger cities, like Manehatten. If you wanted to gain a lot of money for some reason, it wouldn't be hard, if that's what you mean.”

“Okay, that's... probably an even bigger difference than I expected.” I took a deep breath. “In our world, money is everything. It's almost directly equivalent to wealth, so everyone wants as much of it as possible. Different jobs have drastically different loans, and a lot of people use this as their main criteria when they decide what they want to do in life. Most people see their job as a way to gain money more than anything else. If you're rich, you're treated and perceived differently by society. In our government, the parties with a lot of money have the most influence. Many people relate self esteem to how much money the earn. Some people steal or even kill for money.” I stopped, and lifted a front limb to touch my mane, like I would lift a hand to go through my hair. It didn't feel right. “Mh... yeah. I could go on, but I think you get the point.”

“He's exaggerating somewhat,” Pinkie said quietly. “Not everyone considers money the most important thing in life. But most of what he said is true. It also depends on where you live, some areas are far more wealthy than others.”

“But... why?” Twilight's look bounced between us. “What is so important about money? Is it because there isn't enough for everyone? Is it just a competition?”

“Mh... yes and no. A lot of people don't have enough to live comfortably. As... my friend said, it depends on where you live. But in our area... no, that's not the reason. It's... again, a matter of complexity. Usually, there is a large number of things you would like to buy, if only you had enough money. Even people who come from families that are fairly wealthy – and even wealthy compared to other people in our country – like me, can rarely buy everything they want. There is just too much.”

“Like what?”

“Tons of things. I don't even know where to start. Better food. A bigger home. Entertainment... stuff. If I bought all the music I listened to, that alone would be really expensive. Travel is another big part, many people like to go to distant places on vacation. Then there are a lot of things that don't even exist in your world, like advanced technology... that can be used for all kinds of things. Even clothing represents status.”

Twilight nodded slowly. “I think I have an idea of what you are saying. But you make it sound like... like everything is a competition. Like everyone only cares about his own life.”

“Yeah,” Pinkie said. “That's basically the problem.”

“It's also complicated. Like everything. There are good people in our world, but it's... hard. There is just so much... so much wrong with the system.” I took a deep breath, and a shiver ran down my spine. I lowered my gaze to the floor, and forced myself to ignore all of the reasons why I should stop talking right now.

“They eat meat, Twilight,” I said in a quiet voice.

I didn't look at Pinkie. I couldn't. I knew that I had probably just destroyed every bit of progress I had made in our relationship since we arrived here, but my loyalty to her was overshadowed by my desire to be up front with Twilight.

Twilight's reaction was exactly what I had expected. I had always known that this was something horrible ponies, something unthinkable. Her eyes widened in shock, and for the first time since we had met, the gaze she was giving us wasn't friendly, but scared.

“But... but you don't... r-right?”

I closed my eyes, feeling more uncomfortable than he had ever managed to make me feel, which was an unlikely achievement. I half expected Pinkie to hit me in the next moment. I realized that I was hoping for it.

“I don't,” I said, my voice barely more than a whisper. I didn't see it, but could tell that Twilight's gaze was directed at Pinkie. Was she going to lie? Maybe she was going to lie. I really hoped that she wouldn't. Lying now would make things even worse.

When she spoke, every word felt like a knife cutting into my skin, although I knew that it would have felt that way no matter what she had said.

“I do.”

Now I looked towards Twilight, careful not to let my vision shift far enough left to see Pinkie.

Was I just imaging it, or was she sitting farther away from us than she had before?

“Why?”

“It's how I've been raised,” Pinkie said in a neutral voice. “And it was too much of a habit to give up. It tastes too good.”

Despite my negative expectations, nothing could have prepared me for what I saw now. Something in Twilight's eyes... broke. She blinked a couple of times, and then a single tear dropped onto the table.

“Leave the library, please.” She turned her head away, and a tissue was floating towards her from somewhere in the entrance hall, enclosed in a purple cloak of magic. I could hear Pinkie standing up beside me, and a few moments later, I heard the door opening and closing.

What followed was the most uncomfortable silence I had experienced in living memory. In a desperate attempt to persuade my screaming conscience, I told myself that I had not expected her to be thrown out. And that was true – even though I had expected vegetarianism to be a self-evident yet unspoken law and any act of infringement to be considered a terrible crime, I had never thought Twilight would go this far.

Still, had it really been necessary? I could have been quiet, and everything would have been fine.

But it would have felt like betrayal to me. If we were asking Twilight for help and shelter, then we had to tell her who we were. I wouldn't want to host a murderer without knowing why he murdered, and for Twilight our situation was hardly different.

No. I had to tell her. But that didn't change how much I hated myself now.

“That's it,” I said, and noticed that I was crying. “She won't talk to me ever again.”

“How?” Twilight asked, her voice weaker than it had yet been during out visit. “How can intelligent – technologically advanced – creatures be carnivores? Never would I have imagined that this is possible. Never.”

“Can I have that tissue?” I asked with a broken voice.

She looked at me, blinked a few times, then she floated it across the table. When I tried to take it, I realized that I had no idea how to do so in a way that would preserve any amount of dignity. For a few seconds, I tried to pick it up from the table with both hooves and somehow have it wrap around one, but I quickly gave up.

“Let me help you.” The tissue was once again covered by a transparent, purple cloud and Twilight carefully lifted it up to my eyes and muzzle, absorbing most of the moisture on its way. When I fully realized the situation I was in, it only made me cry more. I tried to keep it silent, but one sob followed the next, and soon I had lost my self-control entirely. I cried about Pinkie, I cried about the fact that I was effectively a cripple, I cried about how horribly wrong our visit had been going, and I cried out of the realization where I was; because despite everything, this was the happiest day of my life. I would have given everything to be here. Everything.

“Was she your marefriend?” Twilight asked in a whisper. I hadn't realized it, but she was now standing beside me.

I shook my head.

“I'm very sorry if I made her angry at you,” Twilight said. “I'm really, really sorry.”

“No... don't... you didn't do anything wrong.” I sobbed again. “I brought up the topic. It's my fault. I just... I wanted to be honest with you.”

“I'm glad you told me. And for what it's worth, I believe you now.”

I wanted to answer, but I needed over ten seconds before I could say something again.

“Will I... will I ever be able to use magic?”

“I can't imagine that you won't. Magic is something you learn, not something you have inherently. Even if your capabilities aren't there for some reason, I'm sure the queen will be able to help you.”

There it was. Queen. Queen Celestia. Just like Lauren had wanted it to be.

“Are you... going you let her stay?”

At that, Twilight closed her eyes. “I want to understand it. It seems so cruel to me, and the way she talked about it was the worst part. She didn't even feel remorse.”

“You know,” I said while Twilight was drying my face one more time, “We had a discussion about that once. About vegetarianism. I... I used to be very judgmental of others. I'm still not entirely sure if that was wrong or not. And I tried to convince her to stop eating meat. She has a pet, you know? I forgot what kind of animal, probably a cat. And I asked her how she can stand to eat meat if she cares so much about her pet. She said she probably wouldn't ever eat meat from the species that matches her pet and she's aware how irrational that is, but that it's just too much to give up. And really, this is the kind of response I get from most people... if they even care enough.”

“That doesn't make me feel better about her,” Twilight said.

“I know. I wasn't trying to make you accept it. I... I despise eating meat more than anyone else I know. I'm not trying to justify it.” I sighed and forced myself to look Twilight in the eyes. “But you have to understand in what society we're raised in. It is the kind of society where selfishness is rewarded. There are no benefits you gain from being a vegetarian, you aren't respected more, you don't gain financial benefits; if anything you're frowned upon by a lot of people. If you do it, you have to do it for your conscience, without ever receiving recognition.

“And also, everyone who lives in a rich country is being irresponsible and selfish. It is impossible not to be. The question is just to what degree. There are so many poor people in our world, so much corruption, so much suffering, that every amount of effort you put into improving the lives of others is too little. And because of that, things like vegetarianism just become abstract concepts. You never receive any backlash, you never see any change because of what you do, and you can't live ethical anyway, so why even try? It is... hard to care for the world. Recently, I've realized this more and more.

“I think, from your perspective, the society we come from is just blatant insanity. The system is so complex, the disconnect between personal happiness and world politics is so big... you asked us if it's a good world, and there is your answer.

“So...” I gulped, and my heart seemed to tighten when I spoke, “Please try to forgive her. Don't try to understand or tolerate, just... try to forgive. You are going to let her stay... right?”

I was looking at Twilight, but the response I got was nothing I could have expected. Instead of saying anything, she just leaned forward and drew me into a hug. I trembled upon her touch, and with feeble limbs I tried to return the gesture.

“Then let me be the first one to appreciate it,” she whispered. “I can't imagine living in a world like you describe it, but I am immensely thankful that you don't eat meat. I wouldn't know what to do with you otherwise.”

She was attempting to draw back, and although I didn't want her to let go, I didn't protest. Without realizing it, I slid off the uncomfortable stool and dropped onto the floor. Twilight walked back around the table; at first I was afraid that she would stay there, but instead she just refilled both of our cups and sat down opposite to me.

“You have a bad conscience because you feel like you haven't been loyal to her, right?”

“Yeah. I think almost everyone who heard of this would say I'm a horrible friend for bringing it up.” I awkwardly picked up my cup in both hooves and took a gulp.

“I'm pretty sure most ponies I know would rather think something like, how come a sane pony can be friends with someone who eats dead corpses.”

“I guess it has to be judged by your standards, now that we're in your world. I like that.” I smiled weakly. “In my world, even most people who refuse to eat meat don't consider it a crime, rather a personal decision. Although I've always thought that was irrational, given that most of the same people would not consider it okay if someone hit his kids, or betrayed his girlfriend or something.”

“How come you don't eat meat? Is it how you've been raised?”

“No... no. Which means... I used to do it.”

Under my nervous gaze, Twilight grimaced and sighed. “When did you stop?”

“I'm not entirely sure. I think the first time I wanted to be a vegetarian was about eight years ago. Then I went back and forth a little, made exceptions and had phases when I stopped. At some point, I decided to be absolutely strict from now on; that was actually inspired by watching... you know, the... show about this world. That was maybe three years ago.”

Twilight's jaw clenched. I realized that the thought was still uncomfortable to her, even though it lay so far back.

I didn't even want to imagine how she felt about Pinkie.

“That's... okay, right?”

Twilight forced herself to smile. “Yeah. Yeah, of course. If you were raised differently, realizing your mistake at some point is all I can ask for. I don't understand why it takes someone like you years to figure it out, but I don't live in your world, so...” She reached out a hoof and gently brushed over my cheek. I shuddered upon her touch, and tried not to show how much it meant to me. I knew, or at least I had figured before, that ponies were much more permissive when it came to physical contact than humans.

“If you say you started ten years ago, then how old are you now?”

“In my world I was twenty.” Upon that, Twilight blinked in surprise.

“You're... older than that... right?” I asked hesitantly.

Twilight looked at me for a second, then she laughed. “I'm sixteen,” she said between giggles. “I'm not sure if I should be offended or flattered, but I guess you aren't practiced in judging the age of ponies.”

“Oh, wow.” I also giggled, although it was for an entirely different reason. “You know, there was a... debate in the... within the people who watched the... show, about the age of you and the girls.” I waited a second, unsure if Twilight was following. She gave me a slight nod and a smile, so I continued. “I think most people thought you were around eighteen, or a little bit older. I know some also put you between twenty and twenty-five. And then there was this one guy who made a great argument for why you're all around fifteen, but I never really believed it. Looks like he was right.”

“It's strange to hear that a lot of different people were talking about our lives.” Twilight levitated her coup to her muzzle and took a sip, a sight at which I couldn't help feeling envious. “Or are talking. How... many people know about... us in your world?”

I shrugged. “Oh, you know, it's a TV show. That means a series of short movies... uhm, by the way, a movie is like... like... like if you... store everything a person is seeing for a fixed amount of time, only the person is not a person but a technical device. And once you created it, you can rewatch as many times as you like. Well, anyway, what I meant to say is, there are many other shows like this. This one is very popular, but it's still just one of countless shows. The vast majority of people have never heard of it.”

Twilight nodded slowly. “But... how do you create images of our world, if you just store what happens in sight of an object?”

“That was just the principle,” I explained. “This show is not the record of what someone has seen, but a series of images that were artificially created. But the medium is the same.”

“I understand. I think.” Twilight took another sip. “Well, one thing I can say for sure is that this body,” she pointed a hoof at my figure, “is not twenty years old. I'd say it's about fifteen.”

“... huh. So I've become five years younger. Well, that's nice.”

“Yeah.” Twilight chuckled. “So... I think it's about time we talk about what we're going to do with you.”

I gulped nervously. “Alright.”

“Okay. The first thing I need to know is, do you want to stay here?”

“More than anything in the world.”

Twilight nodded. “After what you told me, I don't find that hard to believe. But do you not have friends you leave behind? A family?”

“Yeah. But if I have to choose between living in Equestria and abandoning my family, or staying in my world for the rest of my life, I want to be here. I've known that for a while. Of course, if it's possible for me to bring others here or to switch between worlds, then I'll do that.”

“Well, that all depends on how you got here. If you are telling the truth, the queen may or may not be able to give you answers. One thing I'm pretty sure of is that you're not on a timer, unless magic from your world is not traceable with methods I know.”

“About that...” I smiled crookedly. “I completely forgot to tell you this, because it's so trivial for me. There is no magic in my world.”

Twilight's eyes widened. “None?”

“No.”

“Do you mean that just for your species, or for the whole world?”

“For everything. Magic in our world is a myth, something only very few people believe in.”

“Wow...”

“Which also means, there is no explanation for how I got here in the context of what I believed in until now. It's supernatural.”

“Well, I don't think moving between dimensions is necessarily supernatural. Anything from our world could have pulled you.”

“... ... ... right. Supernatural by our standards. Which includes magic.”

“Oh.” Twilight laughed. “Well, in that case, yeah.” She demonstratively levitated my cup for a few inches before putting it back down. “Well, the next point would be... where do you want to live? You'll have to be subject to some investigations, of course, but I don't think you'll have to travel to Canterlot for that. It's much easier for the queen to visit you than vice versa. But she will probably demand that somepony watches over you, so...” She smiled. “If you want to stay in the library for now...”

“I'm... I-I'm...” I was struggling to respond to this, as I almost couldn't believe the offer I had just received. Eventually, I just said, “There is no place I'd rather be,” because that was the truth.

Twilight giggled bashfully, and leaned forward to give a me short hug. Once more I shuddered upon her touch. I couldn't believe how easy she was making it for me. Of course, in any scenario were I was sent to Equestria, I would want to become friends with Twilight Sparkle, but I'd have expected it to be hard, and mixed with a lot of insecurity on my part. How could it be easy to befriend someone whom you place so much higher than yourself?

But, of course, Twilight wasn't as good of a person as I had always thought. She was better.

“So, I think the absence of magic in your world makes the timer impossible, because it means the spell which brought you here must have come from our world, so it must be traceable. Which means we don't have to hurry to tell the queen about you.”

“Right...”

“Unless you want to find out if there is a way to send a message back to your world as fast as possible. Although... I'm afraid that's impossible.”

Although I had never expected anything else, the words still sent a short, painful stitch through my chest.

“So, I won't ever see anyone from my world again...”

“I'm very sorry for that.”

I sighed. “No, it's... fine. It's just... I'm just feeling bad for my family, they'll probably think I'm dead.”

“Probably.” Twilight bowed her head slightly. “Do you have siblings?”

“Yeah, an older brother and an older sister. They won't take it well.”

And then, in the blink of a moment, the realization struck me, harder than I could ever have imagined.

“They'll think I'm dead.” This simple fact swept over me like a wave of ice. I would cause massive, potentially irreversible damage to people I cared about, and I couldn't do anything about it. They would suffer. I couldn't even imagine how much, as I had never lost someone close to me.

This was wrong. All of it. I had thought this was a blessing, but how could it be if it caused so much harm? If I had had the chance to disappear forever, without saying goodbye, would I have even taken it? In all the times I had imagined coming to this universe, not once had I factored in how much it would hurt people who cared about me. It just hadn't been part of the idea. But that was because it had never been real. Now it was.

I didn't feel guilty – it wasn't my fault – but the knowledge alone was enough to make me tremble.

Next I saw Twilight sitting before me, and I realized that, up until right now, I had truly, entirely lost all awareness of my surroundings, something which happened for the first time in my life. I had stopped to pay attention to what I saw before, naturally, but it had never been gone. Now though, for the few seconds after I had realized the true consequence of this day, I had been fully blind.

But then... I had lost everything before, hadn't I? I had lost parts of my body, or witnessed the death of people I knew, just as there had been times when I had gained everything I craved; only to lose it all within a single moment and be left with nothing but the sound of an alarm clock, or simply the image of a white ceiling...

Yeah. Yeah... if this was real, surely I would have considered the possibility that I was dreaming. That would have been the first thing on my mind. It hadn't happened, of course, because it wasn't real. Every dream of something supernatural ended with inevitable disappointment, because the world simply was not supernatural. It was as easy as that.

As soon as I realized this, all sorrow and grief was washed away, only to be replaced with the strongest sensation of disappointment I had ever felt. It was a feeling so all encompassing, so horridly staggering, that I felt as though, in the end, all happiness and hope I had felt while asleep hadn't been worth it.

“Hey!”

“Gaaah!” I winced, and as if hit by a blaze, I instantly shot upright. This wasn't an unknown sensation; it sometimes happened when I was dozing off somewhere. I would think about something and forget where I was, only to suddenly startle, usually without any apparent trigger. As always, it took me a few seconds to realize where I was and what had brought me here.

Now, of course, I also knew that it wasn't a dream. The reason why you sometimes can't tell whether you're sleeping while in a dream is not because the dream feels like reality – no dream ever does – but because your mind is clouded at that time. Like mine had been before.

“S... s-sorry,” I brought out. “Oh, T-t... Twilight... I... am... am... mmp-p... ... ... w-w...” I shook my head. “I'm s-sorry this happened. Gosh, I was... traumatized.”

Twilight nodded. “Don't worry about it. Are you alright?”

“Y-yeah. Yeah.”

“Because you realized what your disappearance will mean for your family?”

I nodded. My heart was still beating at twice of its normal frequency, but I could feel it starting to slow down. “Yeah. Fuck.” Now that the initial shock had passed, the fact was gradually transforming into a cold and irreversible thought in the back of my mind, and I realized that it would never go away. I'd just have to learn to live with it – presumably for the rest of my life. “They will think I'm dead. They'll just... just think I'm dead. There'll probably be a symbolic funeral too, or at least I think they also do that for non religious people. Maybe not. But they'll believe I'm dead from now on. It's as simple as that.”

I looked back up at Twilight, noticing her irritated glance that didn't at all seem to fit what I had just said. The slowly fading shock and sadness I felt was mixed with confusion, and I tried to recall my last few sentences to figure out the reason.

“...” The realization struck, and a short laugh escaped my lips before I could explain. “Oh, that's, uhm, it's a swear word we use. In our world. It doesn't... ehm, have anything to do with the word itself. It's just something to curse with.” I could feel my head heating up slightly, a sensation which was in an irritating contrast to everything else I felt. “Sorry.”

“Fuck?”

“Yeah.”

“O...kay. That's strange.” Twilight giggled. “Doesn't it feel weird to use it?”

“Well, no, lots of people say it all the time. You can use it to punctuate something, as an adjective, or to express surprise, or anger, or even regret. I've, actually, no idea why it's this word now that I'm thinking about it, but it's really common among my generation. You wouldn't even notice if someone uses it in a sentence, it's just how a lot of people talk.”

Twilight nodded. “I'd say this is another proof that you're telling the truth. And... I'm really sorry for your family.”

“Yeah. Well...” I closed my eyes, trying to shut the thought out. “The thing is that I always thought all of this was a blessing. But it's not, is it? My life is going to improve, but it's not worth it. It can't be. If I had had the choice to come here without being able to explain things before... I don't think I would have taken it. Although, not taking it would have meant living with the knowledge of what I could have had for the rest of my life. But accepting would be so selfish.” I shuddered. “Unless...” I took a deep breath, and mentally prepared myself for losing my last hope, “Unless it's possible that whoever pulled me here left some kind of... message. Do you think that's possible?”

“It might be.”

“...” This was not the answer I had expected. “Really? Why didn't you say so? You made it sound like you can only take things from other worlds, but not give anything back.”

“I... don't think I said that.” Twilight reached out a front limb and put it on my shoulder. “I know what you're going through, but calm down.”

“Right. Right.” I took a few breaths. “Sorry.”

“It's no problem. So...” Twilight sighed. “Don't get your hopes up too much, because it's a big stretch. As far as I understand magic, it should be practically impossible to send something to another world. However, there is a magical phenomena called Aloa's Law, stating that, whenever you apply magic to a target, you create loose energy around the target, and the amount is proportional to the amount of energy used for the spell. Usually, this amount will be too small to do something with it, but with a spell of this caliber... maybe? Theoretically, it should be enough to create some kind of message; the question is just if anypony is capable of doing that...” She gave me an apologetic glance. “I doubt it. But I can't rule it out completely.”

“So... that means I have a faint glimmer of hope... well, that's much better than no hope at all.” I closed my eyes. Suddenly, I felt really tired. I wondered whether or not asking Twilight if I could go to sleep now was inappropriate.

I sighed. Worrying about this kind of stuff was typical for me, and the fact that you had to was one of the things I disliked most about our society.

Alas...

“Twilight?”

“Yes?”

“I'm... tired.”

“Oh.” Twilight sounded surprised, but not displeased. “Of course. You can sleep in my guest bed.” She stood up; it took me a few attempts to do the same. “I'll walk you upstairs. I also know sleeping spells, if you want to speed things up. I use them in most nights.”

“That... would be great,” I said, feeling relieved. I had already come to terms with the prospect of lying in bed for hours before I would fall asleep.

I barely registered the architecture around me as I followed Twilight towards her bedroom. Somehow, the emotional rollercoaster I had been through had sucked out all of my curiosity for the moment.

“How late is it?”

“About five PM.”

“Well... I was about to fall asleep when I got here. We must have gone about six hours backwards.”

“It's fine,” Twilight said with a smile. “Just get yourself rested. Although... I have one last question.”

“Yeah?”

“What's your name?”

“Silver,” I said without thinking. “Well, that's not my real name, but it's how I'd like to be called.

I wondered if Twilight was going to ask more, but she just nodded.

“So... you will talk things out with my friend while I'm asleep... right?”

Twilight blinked. “I'll do what I can.”