Chapters ...And It's Freaking Cold Up Here
I: Anesthetic Gives You Wiiiiiiiings
Well, the cold isn't so bad.
I feel it, but I don't really feel it. It doesn't get to me. It's like I have fur or something. Still, I have the feeling that it's especially cold right now.
Notice I said feeling, because that's all I have. I can't see a thing.
I don't mean it's dark out, I mean I can't see. Not the sky, not the weird fluffy surface I'm sitting on, not even my hand in front of my face--and this sounds even crazier, but I don't think it is a hand at all. I try to wiggle my fingers but there's nothing to wiggle. I can't feel them, or my toes either. And not just because it's freaking cold up here.
Maybe I should back up a little. (Not literally. I might just fall off the edge of...whatever I'm standing on.)
Some drunk idiot crashed into my car today. A vintage ‘Vette. That would be enough to piss me off, but I was also in the car at the time. I don't know how bad I was hurt but it felt like hell. I was still conscious but couldn't really move, so I just lay there in the back of the ambulance. The medic asked me some questions, and I guess that was the first time I realized there wasn't much to tell about me: I'm Jay. I'm 37, divorced, and I smoke. I played football when I was younger but never made it to the pros, so I'm an assistant coach at my old high school. People tell me I'm kind of a rough guy. Just because I say what I think and don't drink lite beer, I guess.
It's only when your life flashes before your eyes that you realize how little it boils down to. In my case...I had a dream and didn't accomplish it, wasn't much of a husband, never got to be a father and since then I've just been killing time.
They took me straight to the hospital. A doctor said I needed surgery so they gave me some anesthetic... and that's all I remember. Now I'm here. Cold as hell, can't see, there's a thin coat of fur all over my body, my legs feel all wrong and I can't stand on them anymore, there are two weird little things on my back, my spine is out of whack and did I mention it ends in a tail? Because it does. I'm freaked out right now and I can't freaking SEE and it's freaking COLD up here and...
Well, enough of that. I've been lying here freaked out for the last hour and am just starting to pull myself together--but what "self" is it? Sure ain't my old one.
"This sucks," I say shakily. See? I don't even sound like myself. I sound like a little girl. A really sad little girl. First thing I said when I found myself here was "help" and that voice startled me so bad I didn't finish the word.
At least I've still got my smokes.
Yep. That's the one thing telling me I haven't gone insane. I can even feel the embossed logo on the front of the box. I found them lying in front of me when I was groping around. Thank God for that because I've never needed a cigarette more than I do right now. I have to use my teeth to get one of them out, but I manage. Now I have to light it...and hey, that reminds me, wait 'til you see this trick. Found out how to do it the first time I stomped on the ground, or whatever it is I'm sitting on. I drive my...hand, hoof, whichever--I drive it down really hard and hear a sizzling noise. Just like that, the cigarette in my mouth is lit!
Electricity? It smells like it. I don't really care as long as it works and doesn’t kill me. I wish something else of mine were here. Like my phone, or my clothes, or my wallet...but if this isn't real then I guess it doesn't matter.
I take the first drag and right away I start coughing so hard it brings tears to my eyes. Yuck! Jesus. What’s that all about? I’ve been using these for 25 years, and you’d think it was my first time or something!
I spit it out, still gagging as a funny thought takes shape in my mind: maybe I’m not me. Maybe this isn’t my body at all. But then whose is it? Whoever it is, they’re blind, they weigh less than my dog, they have no hands, they can’t handle a cig, and they have two really weird…things on their back. I’ve been wondering about those too.
Move one; nothing happens. Move the other; nothing happens. Move both; guess what, nothing happens. Move both harder…and my heart jumps into my throat and I make the most embarrassing squeaking noise ever, ‘cause for a split second there I didn't feel anything under my feet.
“H-holy shit,” I choke out in that same high, girlish voice. “Wings, too. I’ve got wings.”
I flap them again real slowly, stretch them out to the side so I can reach up and feel them. They're all feathery and ticklish. Yep. I have wings, and come to think of it, this thing I'm standing on is how I always imagined clouds must feel: like cotton candy but thicker and...hold on a second while I try it...not sweet. Or maybe that cig just killed my taste buds.
“I’m dead, aren't I? That’s it. I’m an angel or something,” I ride out another coughing fit and try to deepen my voice. “…Dammit, me, stop talking like a kid in a Lifetime movie.”
So if that drunk driver killed me after all and this is heaven, where’s God? Why can’t I see? And why is it so freaking cold up here?
I touch my hair, which is not my hair at all. Way too long and soft, like a woman's. I stick the cigarette pack in there. It stays. That's nifty.
Suddenly my ears perk up and the feathers on my wings go all stiff. My tail is sticking out too, and I can't tell you how wrong that feels. Something is going to happen. I'm turning my head from side to side, as if that's going to help me at all, when I hear it.
"...AwwwwwWWWWW YEEEEEAAAAAHHH!"
The voice reaches me from a distance, then it's HERE and there's a huge gust of wind right above me, so powerful that it sweeps me right off my feet. I'm rolling helplessly across the cloud...and then the cloud's not there anymore. I'm falling.
Today just keeps getting better.
Author's Note
Uh-oh, our friend Jay is in trouble now. Will his out-of-body adventures end with a splat? Will this tribute to the second anniversary of 'Snowdrop' last only one chapter?
...And It's Freaking Cold Up Here
II: I'm Blind, You Jackass.
"AAAAAAAAAAGH!"
That sums it up pretty well. I could bore you with a bunch of details--how I try to use my wings but fail because I can't tell which way is up, how I might die in two bodies in the same day and who knows if I'll get a third, how I wish I could’ve said goodbye to Beth, and how there's nothing more terrifying than falling from an unknown height in the dark. But the "AAAAAAAAAAGH" is way more effective.
Something hard slams into me. I gasp, thinking it's the ground, but wait--I'm still alive and I feel air rushing past me, just from a different direction. Something is holding me, something warm, and strong.
"Easy there, filly!" a scratchy female voice yells in my ear. "I gotcha."
What did she just call me? Well, whatever. She saved my life so I'll let it slide.
"Are you an angel?" I yell, barely able to hear my own voice as the air whistles past us. She's flying even faster than I was falling earlier!
"Angel? What the heck is that?" she laughs. "Never mind. Let's get back to Cloudsdale where someone can help you find your parents. I'm on duty here, ya know."
Shit. Parents? My mother died years ago and my father lives in Circle Pines. I'm not sure what to say so I just stay quiet. It's actually not a bad feeling, flying through the sky like this...but it's hard to enjoy myself when I don't even know what I am.
I once was found, but now am lost; could see, but now I'm blind.
Some heaven this is.
Pretty soon the flight ends and the non-angel sets me back on another cloud. I hear voices, lots of them in the distance; sounds of people chatting, working, going about their lives. The closer we get to them, the lonelier I feel.
"Okay, kid, just follow me," the non-angel says, and I hear her walking away. That scares me. Whoever this girl is, she's the only one I know in this place and I can't tell where she's going.
"Wait!" I cry out, and for a moment I sound exactly like the little kid I supposedly am. "I can't see you!"
She stops walking. “Come on, I’m standing right here, kid! I've got a rainbow mane, for crying out loud..."
"I'm blind, you jackass!"
"...Oh." She sounds embarrassed. "My bad. Yeah, your eyes do look kinda...funny. Sorry about that. And I'm not a jackass. I'm a pony just like you."
"A...a pony?"
"Yeah. You sure you're all right, kid?"
That's impossible. That's crazy. That...explains a lot.
I clear my throat and try not to sound as confused as I really am. "Um…so is everyone here a pony?"
"Yep. Well, mostly. A few griffons visit here sometimes, but...I don't hang out with them anymore," she quickly changes the subject. "Anyway, if you couldn't tell from the 'most awesome flyer in Equestria' part, I'm Rainbow Dash!"
Rainbow Dash? What kind of a name is that? Damn hippies. Where are we, California? No...she said Cloudsdale. This is no heaven, and it's not the United States either. It’s a totally different world with cities in the sky, no people, and possibly no beer.
It's finally sinking in. I feel like I've been punched in the gut.
"Um...hello?" the "pony" called Rainbow says. "Are you okay? What's your name, anyway?"
I'm starting to sweat. I have two choices: be honest, or pretend to have amnesia so I don't sound totally nuts. I hate lying and this...pony...seems pretty chill, so I tell the truth.
I look up to where I think her face is. "I'm Jay. And I have absolutely no clue where I am."
"So you've really never heard of me, huh?"
"Nope."
I hear a clink as Rainbow sets her glass back on the table. We're sitting at some sidewalk cafe while I try to get my bearings and explain things, which isn't easy when all she wants to talk about is herself.
"Winner of the Best Young Flyer Competition a few years ago? The only pegasus ever to do a Sonic Rainboom?! Most ponies at least know me from the Weather Squad. I mean, I almost bucked the cloud you were standing on."
So she was the reason I fell! "For the last time, I've never heard of you or your damn Sonic Raincoat!"
"RainBOOM! Geez. You know, you've got a real mouth on you, kid."
"Who are you calling a kid?" I try to sound angry, but this voice wouldn't frighten a bunny rabbit. Do they have bunny rabbits here?
"I'm calling you a kid, kid!" she sounds annoyed. "I still don't know if I should believe you or not...but you sure don't sound like a pony, I'll give you that. You don't even walk like one. You fell down like five times on the way here."
"Like I said, I'm not a pony. At least I wasn't until I woke up this morning." Damn, she's stressing me out. I need a smoke.
Gulping noise. Rainbow is drinking the rest of her beverage--cider, she said. I ordered the same, but haven't touched it. I’m nervous about eating or drinking anything I can’t see. "You know something? You look kinda...familiar. Something about your cutie mark."
I make a face. "Cutie mark?"
"...You don't know what your cutie mark is?"
"Nope. Never heard of it."
"You've gotta be kidding! Somepony must have told you about cutie marks. How can you have one and not know about it? That's, like, everything! Your special talent!"
I scowl in her direction. "For the last time, I'm not a pony."
She sighs. "Right. Whatever you say, Jay. I can see you're gonna need some help. Let's haul our flanks over to the Weather Office so I can ask for the rest of the day off."
Just as long as she doesn't let go of my hand. I mean, hoof.
We walk through streets of clouds for what seems like forever. This is a big city, but Rainbow Dash knows it like the back of her hoof. She tries to describe different things as we pass by them, but she keeps saying stuff like "look over there" and "hey, see that?" and that really doesn't help me. After a while she starts talking about this book series I've never heard of, so I filter her out and start listening to the noises around me. There's a lot of stuff going on, that's for sure: flapping wings, muffled steps, and voices everywhere.
"Ditzy!" A gruff voice says to my left. "Did you mix up Cloudsdale's mail with Ponyville's again?!"
"I just don't know what went wrong." A female pony replies.
There's a strange whooshing sound to my right. I ask Rainbow what it is and she says some ponies are building a new house out of clouds. When I ask how that's possible, she just says it's complicated. But I guess if clouds are solid enough to stand on in this crazy world, you could use them for building materials too.
Finally we get to the Weather Office, and that's where all the trouble starts.
"Okay, we're here, squirt," Rainbow says. "Look over there and--"
"Blind, Rainbow."
"Sorry. Um, about 20 strides ahead at 12 o'clock is the Weather Office. That's where us Pegasi make most of the weather in Equestria, 'cause we're just that awesome. And at 3 o'clock, you'll see--"
"No, I won't."
"Sorry. At 3 o'clock, same distance, we've got the Cloudsdale Memorial Garden where they have statues of some really cool Pegasi who came before us."
"Like a cemetery?"
"Nah. You can't bury ponies in clouds. They tried it a long time ago, but...it didn't work out. Come on.” She leads me closer to where the statues are. “This big, tough-looking soldier in front of us is Commander Hurricane. He founded Cloudsdale a long time ago. Next to him there's Private Pansy, Hurricane's subordinate. Not quite as awesome as Hurricane, but pretty cool. Then the next statue...is..." She trails off.
I cast an uncertain look in her direction.
"NO. WAY." Rainbow sounds awestruck. "You can't...I mean...that's so not possible!"
"What are you talking about?"
"I knew I recognized you! The statue...you...it's totally you! The legendary weather pony? Creator of snowflakes?! Princess Luna's best friend? Omigosh omigosh omigosh omigosh..." She sounds like she's seen a celebrity. Or a ghost. Or the ghost of a celebrity.
"All right, all right, get a grip! So what if I look like her?" I cringe a little as Rainbow frantically examines me--squeezing my face in her hooves, ruffling my hair and tail, rubbing my leg... "Hey, watch it!"
Rainbow is talking a mile a minute now. "You don't just look like her, you have the same cutie mark! No two ponies ever have the same cutie mark unless they're siblings sometimes, and she--I mean, you didn't have any!"
“How do you know?”
“Are you kidding? We learned all about you in flight school! Okay, so I forgot like 99% of it, but…”
I feel the fur on the back of my neck starting to stand up. “Who?”
She answers quietly, like she’s finally noticing how freaked out I am. “Snowdrop.”
I freeze and stare into space. Cue the flashback...
She's there. Same place she is every morning, on her hands and knees in the garden. I stand in the doorway, wincing from a bad hangover, and watch as she tucks a dozen new plants into the dewy soil.
She always had such gentle hands.
"What do you plant those things for, anyway?" I mumble. They're funny-looking flowers, small and white and droopy.
"I like the way they grow," she says brightly. "My mother planted these every year at our house. Do you know what she used to tell us about them?"
I suppress a groan. It's too early for a story about my mother-in-law.
"She would say 'girls, these are very special flowers. They're not like the sunflowers, who always gaze up at the sky. They look down, to protect their faces from the sun and wait for the night.'"
“Sounds pretty silly to me,” I rub my eyes and yawn.
She sighs and continues planting while I watch.
"Snowdrop? Um...Jay? Hello! Can you hear me?" Rainbow is saying.
I can, but just barely. I'm lost in the past and trying to wrap my head around what this means. Because I know it means something.
Goddamn it Beth. Even here, I can't get away from you.
Author's Note
Two things are really driving this story: the idea of a normal guy being stuck in Snowdrop's body, and the challenge of writing a blind character in first-person. It's not easy, but it's fun and makes this a little different from the usual Human-in-Equestria fic.
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...And It's Freaking Cold Up Here
III: I Can't See the Cigs...But I Can Taste Them
"Ugh," I swallow hard. "Are you sure I'm blue, Rainbow? ‘Cuz I feel pretty green right about now."
"Sorry, squirt. I guess I took us down here a little too fast. So you really don't remember how to fly at all, huh?"
"I never had wings before today, Rainbow."
"But…you're Snowdrop."
"Stop saying that!" I bark impatiently.
“Geez. Sor-RY.”
She talked about that the whole way down. What a big deal Snowdrop was, how she was friends with a princess and made winter special. I was lost—how do you make snowflakes? Never mind, how do other pegasi make the weather? Is everything here done manually? And I thought the transmission on my old Corvette was a headache.
My wings itch. I rub them against my sides. "Look, I didn’t mean to shout. This is just a lot to take in. Who's this super-smart friend of yours we’re gonna see?"
"Twilight Sparkle. She's the biggest egghead I know. If anypony can figure out what the heck's going on here, she's the one. Come on, um, this way."
She puts one of her wings across my back to guide me forward. It’s a nice gesture. Feels good too, but I hate being so helpless. It’s not me. I always went my own way and didn’t need anyone’s help to do it either. I was smoking at 14, drinking at 16, marrying at 18, and I blocked 300-pound defensive linemen for fun. I made a crapload of mistakes, but they were mine.
Now…hell, why keep whining about it? You know the drill: I’m blind, weak, and most likely under legal smoking age. It is what it is and I have to go with it. Tell you one thing, I really hope there’s some mistake and I’m not using the body of a long-dead pony, ‘cause that gives me the heebie-jeebies.
“Almost there,” Rainbow says. “…Oh, no.”
“What?”
Her wings go stiff. So do mine. Something’s about to happen—
HRRRRRAAAAAOOOOOOHHHH. As I find out later, this is the sound of an entire mobile horn section going off directly in one’s face.
“WELCOME WELCOME WELCOME, a fine welcome to you WELCOME WELCOME WELCOME, I say, how do you do?”
Another blast of music. What’s happening? Who’s the crazy girl singing to me?! I feel Rainbow moving from my side to my front. “Stay behind me, kid.”
“WELCOME WELCOME WELCOME, I say hip hip hooray! WELCOME WELCOME WELCOME to Ponyville, toooo-daaaaaaaay!”
“Wait, Pinkie. Not the cake!” Rainbow cries out. BOOM. SPLAT.
“Rainbow! Are you okay? What the hell just happened?”
“It’s my Welcome Wagon, silly filly!” the singing girl says to me. I’m not scared exactly, just overwhelmed by the pure joy in this pony’s voice. There really is nothing in the whole world she would rather be doing than welcoming me to her town. “Looks like I put the confetti in the oven and the cake in the confetti cannon. Oopsy gloopsy!”
I hear Rainbow spitting out cake batter. “Yeah. Again. Listen, Pinkie Pie, there’s something you should know about.”
”Hhhhhuuuuuuuuuhhhhh!” Pinkie gasps in shock. “You’re Chillydropper! I mean, Fallsnowy! I mean, Flakey McBlinderson! I mean…”
“Snowdrop,” I sigh. “But not really. See, there’s--”
“Oh…my…GOODNESS!” the pony gets even more excited than a second ago, if that’s possible. “First ever RESURRECTION PARTY! I gotta get ready!”
ZOOM. A sudden wind blows my mane and tail sideways. I think that means she’s gone.
I turn back to Rainbow. “This is getting out of hand.”
“Is that a minotaur expression or something?”
A door opens somewhere in front of us—about 11 o’clock, I think--and another new voice rings out. “Rainbow Dash? What in Celestia’s name is going on out here?! I’m trying to study the potential of the Hoggs-Bison Particle.”
“Yeah, sorry Twi. We ran into Pinkie and…anyway, there’s somepony I think you’ll want to meet,” Rainbow says cautiously. “Jay? This is Twilight Sparkle. Twilight Sparkle, Jay.”
“Weird name,” I stare in her direction. “You another hippie?”
Right away this pony sounds extremely curious. Friendly and well-meaning but the kind I should watch my words around. “A hippie? What’s that? Where are you from, Jay? You do look familiar.” Uh-oh…
“Never mind that, Twi. Can we come in?” Rainbow to the rescue again! “I really need to wash this stuff off.”
“Oh…of course. Follow me!”
Finally, a quiet place. That’s my first thought when Rainbow leads me into the library. It smells like old books as you’d expect, and wood, and a little bit like burnt toast. Someone shuts the door behind us and my skin tingles just a little under my coat, pins and needles. Rainbow said Twilight is a unicorn, and they can use magic to move stuff around. Is that what it feels like? I didn't ask too many questions. The whole thing is too far out for me.
“Feel free to sit down anywhere,” Twilight chirps. “There’s a table in the middle of the room, and our books are on the walls. Some of them can be read by touch if you’re interested.”
It's safe to say she doesn't recognize me yet, so she must have figured out I’m blind just by watching me. Smart pony. I don't know their version of Braille, but I keep that to myself. She'll spend all day teaching it to me otherwise.
“Thanks,” I take my first careful steps into the room. Keeping track of four legs isn’t easy, but when I go really slow and don’t over-think it, my body seems to know what to do. I put two tottering hooves in front of the others until I feel the table nudging my chest. Found it! I have to crack a smile at that. There don’t seem to be any chairs, but I guess ponies wouldn’t need them as much as humans do.
“Good job squirt!” Rainbow says from someplace higher up.
“Oh, Rainbow,” Twilight chuckles. “I’m sure Jay is used to finding her own way around by now!”
“Heh heh…yeah, sure. Well, I’m gonna wash off in the bathroom real quick. If you need me, just yell up the stairs!” A door shuts, but I can still hear her up there. “Dang it. I hate getting sticky stuff in my wings…”
I relax a bit. That girl is a headache sometimes, but she’s been looking out for me ever since I got here. Or since she almost killed me, at least.
“Don’t worry, we’ll be okay ‘til she gets back,” Twilight is tense. I know she can hardly wait to start questioning me. “Would you like anything to drink?”
Huh? Would I like anything to…
Oh God. Would I. So much weird stuff has been going on I didn’t realize how thirsty I am. And hungry! Damn, could I go for a bacon cheeseburger and cola right about now.
Eating or drinking makes this real, warns a little voice at the back of my head. You can’t bullshit yourself anymore after that.
That’s true, but I’m just too hungry to care.
“Now that you mention it,” I take a deep breath, trying not to sound pitiable. “I’m starving.”
“Mmmm. MMMMMMM. Oh, wow,” I pause between greasy bites and shake my head in disbelief. “Are you sure this is hay?”
“Yes! Isn’t it great?” Twilight answers. “Maybe it’s not the freshest out there, but the ponies at The Hayburger sure know how to cook it! Thank you again for picking these up, Rainbow Dash.”
“No kidding! It’s almost as good as real me--” I stop myself, just barely. On second thought, saying I’ve had meat in a society of plant-eaters just might be an issue.
“Real what?” Rainbow asks with her mouth full.
"Yes, Jay," Twilight. "What were you going to say?"
“Uh, real me…me…” I take a long, desperate slurp from my straw while I struggle to think of something... “Miak! Authentic Bulgarian miak. Really good this time of year.”
“Bul-gar-ree-ah?” Twilight says carefully. “I’ve never heard of a place like that in Equestria. Is that where you’re from, Jay?”
I pause and look toward Rainbow. Partly I’m unsure, partly I don’t even want to get into it. I’m itching for my traditional post-meal smoke, but I can resist. I kept the habit secret from Beth for years, after all.
“Go ahead, Jay. Twi is cool. You can trust her, I promise.”
The librarian is practically vibrating now. “Trust me with what? What??”
“Geez, settle down! The thing is…you probably have ways of knowing who lives where and if a pony is…real, or not. But right now I need you to take my word for it,” I swallow hard. Those burgers are sitting pretty heavy at the moment. “I’m not from Equestria. I’m not from this world. And I wasn’t even a pony until today.”
I guess I was expecting her to be scared, or to not believe me at all. Instead, she’s excited. She wants to know everything about me, most of which I can answer, and about this Snowdrop, none of which I can answer. And when I run out of important stuff to say, it’s down to the basement for what she calls “just a few quick tests.” Never believe any doctor or scientist who says this; you’ll be stuck there all day. She gives me a ponygraph (her word for it), puts something on my head that feels like a metal salad bowl, scrapes off a tiny piece of my hoof and studies it under a microscope, and I don’t know what all.
“Are we done yet?” I groan after what feels like hours.
“Hmmm. Just about. Let me compile my data for a second,” Twi rummages with some instruments on her lab table. “Rainbow, put that down, please.”
“Aww Twi, I’m just lookin’ at it.”
“That’s an antique violin! Princess Celestia told me that Perfect Pitch herself once played on it.”
“Okay, okay…” Poor Rainbow sounds bored out of her mind. Seconds later, a really sour note vibrates through the room.
A rustle as Twi turns around again. “Rainbow!”
“What?? I didn’t do it!” she says mischievously. “Jay, did you see me touch the violin?”
“Nope,” I grin. “Didn’t see a thing.”
“Honestly, you two.” Twilight huffs as we burst out laughing. Damn! It feels good to laugh again. For the first time I forget that I have eyes I can’t see with, hooves I can barely walk on, wings I can’t fly with yet. With ponies…people like this, it doesn’t really matter.
I’m happy to be here.
“So…you’re a dragon.”
“Yep.”
“Mm-hm. How’s that working out for you?”
“Pretty good. They treat me just like anypony else.”
Spike sounds receptive but cagey, unsure of whether to trust me. I find myself using the same tone. “Cool. So where were you today?”
“Rarity’s,” a reverent note creeps into his voice. “Helping her pick out some gems.”
“She’s, like, the fashion pony around here, right?”
“Yep.” Wood squeaks as he jumps onto the railing of the balcony. “Where were you?”
“Cloudsdale, then here. Twilight asked me to stay overnight for more tests in the morning. It’s a hassle, but it’s not like I have anyplace else to stay.”
We take in a few more minutes of the Ponyville night air. It smells great. Not like Minneapolis, that’s for sure.
“So…you’re a hu-min.”
“Yep. Or I was, before I woke up here.”
“How’s that working out for you?”
I smirk. “Jury’s still out, but it’s better than dying. I’ll say that.”
“Whoa! You died?”
“I don’t know. Maybe.”
“…How?”
“Tell you later, kid. It’s not bedtime story material.”
He growls a little. “Hey! You’re just a filly yourself, okay?”
“Yeah, and I was a human for 37 years before that, okay?”
“Well, Twilight says she can’t confirm that yet. So don’t go around acting like a big shot.”
Man, this runt is getting on my nerves. Now I really need a smoke.
I reach into my mane and find the pack still there. I’m learning that I can sort of grip stuff with hooves, just not as well as I could when I had hands. "Hey Spike. So you're a dragon, huh? I bet you can't light one of these with your breath."
"Just watch me!" he says confidently. Double take as he remembers I can’t. "Sorry."
"Don't worry about it. Just aim carefully."
Whoosh, goes a sudden flash of heat at the end of my hoof. I jump a little, but he didn’t burn me. I bring the cigarette closer and sniff it. Lit! Hallelujah. Maybe he isn’t so bad.
“Wow, it stinks!” Spike complains. “What is that thing?”
“Medicine,” I say vaguely. I cough on the first drag but not as much as before. Man, that’s good. “It’s complicated.”
“Ugh. If that’s the cure, I hope I never get the disease.”
He watches me until I finish. I almost flick it over the railing like I would in my apartment at home, but on second thought… “Spike, do one more thing for me? Burn up the rest of it. Make sure there’s nothing left.”
“Gladly,” he mutters.
There are some things these ponies don’t need to know about.
Author's Note
TFW you realize if you keep thanking people personally for Favorite-ing your story, you won’t have time to write the thing. I’ve never had that happen before and I can’t thank you guys enough.
I was leery of writing a HiE fic originally. I like them, but I just couldn’t think of anything new to add. Then I re-watched Snowdrop, loved it, found Team-Kittens’ picture and the rest is history. The next chapters will deal more with why Jay is Snowdrop and exactly what it means--the "adventure" elements of the story.
And to those who got the Ernest reference: yes I know there's really no such thing as miak, in Bulgaria or anywhere else. But that wasn't the point.
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...And It's Freaking Cold Up Here
IV: It's My Party (and I'll Hide if I Want To)
Knock, knock.
"Jay?" It's Twilight. "Is everything all right in there?"
"Yes."
"Are you sure you don't want any help?"
"Yes," I answer through my teeth.
"C'mon Twi, leave him alone for now." I hear Rainbow say behind her.
Receding hoofsteps.
Man, I'm glad that's over. Walking back to the upper landing with this body that is most emphatically not mine, I hear Twilight and Rainbow talking quietly by the foot of the stairs.
"You mean you gave him a Changeling test, too?" Rainbow is upset. "He's way too cool to be one of those lovesuckers! Besides, would a Changeling ever come right out and say he wasn't who he looked like?"
I frown. What the hell is a Changeling?
"I understand how you feel, Rainbow Dash,” Twilight says patiently, “But how can I believe a story like that without doing any research? And it can’t be a coincidence that she looks exactly like Snowdrop. If it wasn’t for that, I would say she was just a filly who believed she was someone else. The results of the ponygraph support that hypothesis. But…”
Rainbow sounds bored already. “But?”
“Some of the biological tests were inconclusive. We both know that Changelings have posed as important ponies in the past…”
“Ones that lived a gajillion years ago?!”
“…And we also know they’re not particularly intelligent,” Twilight is firm. “The invasion was only a few weeks ago. I didn't think she was one of them, either. I just wanted to be sure. You remember the wedding rehearsal, don't you?"
"Yeah..."
"I just don't want anything like that to happen again.”
I don’t know anything about a wedding, but I think Twilight’s saying I’m either delusional or one of those things from Star Trek. That’s not very reassuring. Sure wish I had something more than a funny story and a few cuss words to prove who I was.
Wait, I do have something! I reach into my mane and whip out the pack of smokes.
Yeah. It's something, all right. But it's the one damn thing I can’t give away. These are all I have left from home. Spike can be trusted, mostly because he doesn’t care what I do--but the last thing I want is to show them to a pony researcher so they can learn exactly what’s in them and how to make more. I feel bad enough about that one I dropped into the cloud. Hopefully no one found it.
"Twi, what you did there was a good thing,” Rainbow’s voice carries easily up the stairs. “You were going with your gut. And you were totally right about Cadence. We just weren't paying attention. Imagine me not paying attention, huh?" She laughs weakly. "My bad."
"Rainbow, you have nothing to apologize for," Twilight tries to placate her, but she doesn’t answer. “Maybe I’ll check on Jay just one more time.”
Crap. Better get down there! I walk slowly around the corner where they can see me.
"Hello, Jay! Is everything...um..." Twilight trails off.
"Fine," I say flatly. "Everything’s fine. Can we get on with the book now?"
The stairs are a lot to handle with four legs right now, so Rainbow gives me a lift down to the first floor. I join them at the little round table, feeling the tingle of unicorn magic as Twilight turns to a new page. It’s still distracting, but after all the tests this afternoon I’m starting to get used to it.
She’s reading me some more about Equestrian history, mostly the Battle of the Two Sisters. It’s not that I don’t care, but it’s hard to process all of that stuff this late at night. What I will remember is Twilight’s conviction as she recites every word. Reading, learning stuff, and instructing others is what really makes her happy, not so much hanging out with other ponies.
Now Rainbow, she’s as different from Twi as you can get. She’s all about instinct, action, competition, having a good time. Hearing her yawn in the background, I realize she’s only hanging around here this late because of me. Plus she believes me--more than Twilight does, at any rate. Even if she won’t stop calling me “kid.”
How did these two get to be friends? Not just with each other, but all the other ponies they mentioned? An animal lover, a fashion designer, a farmer, and that crazy singing girl we ran into…hell if I know what they have in common.
I’m still wondering about it, and starting to exchange deep yawns with Rainbow, when something else gets my attention. “Hold it. Do you guys hear something?”
Twilight stops reading. A rustle as Rainbow Dash perks up next to me. Beyond that, there’s…something outside. A low rumble like a train in the distance.
“I don’t hear anything,” Twilight whispers.
“Wait. I think I hear it too,” Rainbow and I both listen hard. It’s getting closer now…lots of voices, hooves on the ground.
“Over there,” I point to where it’s coming from. The front door.
“I’ll take a look out the window,” Twilight trots away. Moments later, she gasps. “Oh my gosh. What are all those ponies doing out there? It looks like everyone in Ponyville is coming! Princess Celestia said she would let me complete the tests..."
Rainbow's mane brushes my ear as she looks at me. I turn to her with a sinking feeling.
"PINKIE," we say in unison.
“Oh, hay. She must’ve been running all over town with that ‘resurrection party’ stuff!”
“I guess it was going to get out sooner or later,” I sigh. “Twilight, you can’t transform me into a non-famous pony, can you? Maybe taller, a little more muscle…”
“That may not be a bad idea for the future,” Twilight says as some…pony knocks excitedly on the door. “But I’m sure I can explain to them that it’s all a big misunderstanding.”
I hear her open the door just a crack. “Everypony? Attention, please!“ A massive cheer goes up, ponies scream my name (well, Snowdrop's name), and a whole lot of something blows inside, peppering my face and getting caught in my wings. Twi quickly shuts the door again.
“Or not,” says Rainbow.
I spit and rub at my eyes. “What is this junk? It’s all over me.”
“Confetti. Classic Pinkie Pie.”
“Geez, thanks for the save,” I stick my tongue out at her.
She nudges me playfully. “Hey, I already took a cake for you!”
We both quiet down as Twilight takes control. “All right, let’s try another way. Jay, you look exhausted. Let Rainbow take you up to my room so you can rest.”
I’ll take her word for how I look, but I do feel pretty worn out. Another encounter with Pinkie Pie just might kill me, no pun intended. “Are you sure?”
“We’re sure, buddy,” Rainbow says. “C’mon, let’s go.”
Reluctantly, I let her pick me up. Pins and needles, a loud sizzling noise, and a burnt-toast smell follow us up the stairs.
“Hey! What'd she just do?”
“Teleported. She’ll be back.”
“You’re kidding,” I snicker. “…You’re kidding, right?”
“Nope. She’s like the most powerful unicorn around. Nopony can get in here if Twi doesn’t want ‘em. Except for Pinkie, and we’re going out to talk to her right now,” she sets me down on a bed that feels way too soft to be real. “Catch some Z’s, kid.”
“Quit calling me that,” I stifle another yawn. “Um…will you be around here tomorrow?”
“’Course I will!” she says protectively. “’Cause I was gonna show Twi and the others an awesome new trick anyway. You know.”
“I know.”
“See you in the morning, kid.”
Before I can tell her not to call me that, she’s gone.
Ever notice how when you really want to fall asleep, you never can? As the noise of the crowd dies down outside and everyone goes home, I try to relax by counting the snores that drift up from Spike’s basket. Won’t he be surprised to see me here when he wakes up.
“Damn it Snowdrop,” I mutter into the pillow. Then I chuckle, in spite of myself. I don’t think I’ll ever get used to that--hearing a little girl swear like a sailor, then realizing it was me. “Come on, you gotta sleep sometime.”
If I fall asleep and I’m still here when I wake up, I’ll know that it’s all real, right? And if I wake up someplace else, such as in a hospital bed with doctors looking down at me…well, that’s just as well and I’ll deal with it if it comes. I want to know if I’m still alive in the human world, to see who came to visit me in the hospital. Dad must have made it down there by now. And Art, the head coach I work with at the school. At least some of the players would be right there with him.
I wonder if Beth will be there.
It’s while thinking of her, her flowers and her dance classes and how she whistled off-key in the shower, that I finally start to drift.
“Briggs, I don’t know any other way to tell you this,” I say. “That’s not a live grenade he’s throwing at you, all right? It’s just a football. It’s not gonna hurt you. Don’t think about it all the way down the field, because you second-guess yourself. Just catch it.”
“Okay, coach,” Briggs nods. He’s a tall lanky kid, a prototypical receiver. Good speed, great hands; he just doesn’t have the mental game down yet.
“All right. Go long again, same route.” He does. I’m me, and I can see again, but I don’t really notice.
I turn to Jarvez. He’s our quarterback, short but powerful with a cannon arm. “Fire when ready, Jarv.”
He does, hurling the ball downfield and hitting Briggs on a perfect corner route. Catch!
“YEAH! That’s more like it, kid!” I yell. “Hell of a throw too, Jarv. Sling it like that on Friday night and Wooddale won’t stand a chance.”
“Thanks, coach. But don’t you have something to take care of at home?”
“What?” I turn back to him. He’s gone, and so is the field.
I’m standing in my kitchen. Not the tiny one in my apartment. The one in the house, when we were together.
“Beth?” I call out.
No answer. It’s so quiet. She must not be home right now. I drift, rather than walk, through the living room. It’s a lot cleaner than it was when I lived here. Up the stairs now where I find the bedroom door closed. I open it.
It’s as empty as the other rooms, but it seems more alive. Stars brighter than any I’ve ever seen glitter outside the windows, and moonlight streams through them, bathing everything in a strange glow. As I watch, the light begins to cast itself, to take its own shape, until it becomes something I can only call a pony. She is dark as the night, all shades of blue and black. She looks odd, almost cartoonish, but I know she’s real.
“Stranger! Thou art dreaming.” Her voice is proud and angry with something else behind it, something painful. She radiates power; I can feel my nerves buzzing with it. Definitely not a lady to mess with. “And We, Princess Luna of the Night and seer of all dreams, desire to speak with thee AT ONCE!”
Gulp.
Author's Note
Kind of a lame title.
It's the end of a very long day for Jay...and the night could be even rougher! The next chapter will have more laughs, more answers, and more introductions as Jay meets some more new friends.
...And It's Freaking Cold Up Here
V: Lighting Up (in) the Night
So this is the princess Rainbow told me about. The one who was closer to Snowdrop than anyone.
Does she know? I can’t tell. Her eyes are cold, her face tight with anger, and I brace myself for the worst. She takes something out from her long, flowing mane, a shining sphere that crackles in her hoof. A weapon? A spell? I hold up my hands to show that I’m not a threat, but it doesn’t help the fact that I’m a six-foot-four, 270-pound alien!
But instead of attacking me, she slowly brings the object up to her mouth and takes a bite out of it. The hell? I squint through the dark to see it better.
It’s a freaking apple. Decorated with rainbow stripes, but still just an apple.
“Excuse Us,” she says smugly. “We had to observe thy reaction.”
It takes me a moment to find my voice. “Are you serious? You just scared the hell out of me for fun?!”
“We had to test thee!” Luna pouts, taking another bite. “A Changeling surely would have revealed itself and attacked Us by now.”
Those things again! I glare. “Sorry to disappoint you. I don’t even know what a Changeling is.”
“Then thou art fortunate. Nasty little creatures they are, able to assume the form of anything they see and feed on the love and energy of true ponies to sustain themselves. The creatures and their queen invaded Our royal city of Canterlot not a fortnight ago, and their threat still remains.” Luna finishes the apple, core and all.
“Look, that’s very interesting, but--”
“So,” she interrupts, still calm but with a dangerous edge in her voice, “The question is, what sort of shape-changer are thee, that tells other ponies freely of thy true nature…and takes the form of one nine centuries gone?”
Oh, shit.
"So you know about that."
"The letter Our sister received this evening was most explicit. It was she who sent Us here. Now for the last time We ask thee, stranger," Luna's eyes begin to glow ominously. "How dare thee take the form of Our departed and dearest friend?"
The fact that this is a dream saves me the embarrassment of wetting my pants. It's not easy, but I force myself to meet her gaze.
“I don’t dare, Princess. I didn’t choose to be this Snowdrop. I don’t even know how I got here, and I’d just as soon get out of your hair and go home. The only problem is I don’t know how, or if I’m even still alive on the other side.”
“Then thou art a visitor from another realm, the likes of Tirek and Scorpan? We give thee fair warning: Equestria is no dimensional playground.”
“I get that,” I fold my arms. “And I don’t like my soul being toyed with, either. I woke up in Snowdrop’s body. When this dream is over, I’ll probably wake up in her body again. And I don’t know why or what the hell I’m supposed to do about it.”
“I do,” says a third voice. It is weak, and faint, and so impossibly sweet and sympathetic that listening to it is like having one's head dunked in powdered sugar. Of course, we both recognize it instantly.
Luna’s mouth drops open. We turn in unison towards the mirror on Beth's wardrobe, and through the glass there is a much smaller pony with a light blue coat, a white mane with blue stripes, and blank unseeing eyes.
“Snowdrop?” Luna says in a choked whisper.
So that's what she...I look like. Sad, serious, and almost obscenely cute.
“Luna,” Snowdrop smiles fondly. “I told you I would always be with you.”
“Yes…and I know you were,” Luna’s voice trembles with emotion. “But so many years have passed. Why dost thou appear before me now? Why summon another creature to assume thy form?!”
I raise my hand. "And why this creature?"
She gazes dolefully up at us. “Because I need you. Both of you. Please..."
HRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHH. Why? Why is she that cute?! Keep it together Jay. Must keep heart from melting. Must stay an asshole or you'll end up doing anything she wants...
"My snowflakes did more than simply help ponies to appreciate winter. They were also used by the pegasi to make our winters less harsh and control the weather patterns. Last year, they all ran out.”
Luna inclines her head. A silence falls over the dream-room.
“So? What’s so bad about a rougher winter?” I protest. “Just deal with it! Hell, I took my brothers and sisters trick-or-treating through blizzards.”
“It’s more serious than that, Jay,” Snowdrop shakes her head hopelessly. Gees, I never realized the effect she...I, could have on people...ponies. Whatever. “Tell him, Luna. What is the worst that could happen if Equestria goes back to its natural winter?”
Luna scratches the back of her head with one hoof. “Well...our world has always had a volatile atmosphere. There is a chance that such a change may destabilize it, bringing about a particularly long and harsh winter.”
“Yes,” Snowdrop turns to me. “Have they told you about Starswirl the Bearded, Jay?”
I shrug. "Not much. I haven't learned anything about this place's history besides Princess Luna going completely insane and, um..." I cough.
Luna is not amused. "Finish that sentence, outlander."
"Luna. We don't have time for that," Snowdrop pleads. Luna's wrath evaporates like nothing as she turns back with a smile. “He was a great unicorn mage. The wisest and most powerful in Old Equestria. Wasn't he, Luna?”
“A wonderful pony,” Luna agrees reverently. “One with the gift of visions and great…conviction.”
Snowdrop frowns. “Yes. He could be just a little stubborn sometimes.”
“He was difficult,” Luna concedes.
“Grouchy."
"Embittered."
"Really not very nice."
“Insufferable."
“Abusive.”
“I quite detested him.”
“We all did, Luna,” Snowdrop sighs. “But in his last years when only I would go to see him, he told me of one more vision: a winter so terrible that all of Equestria would be in danger. And in exchange for listening to his rants, he made it so I could…um…”
“Steal other people’s souls?” I yell. Christ! She could have done that by looking them in the eye.
“Well...sort of,” she says meekly.
“…That’s messed up, Snow.”
“Verily,” Luna agrees.
“Oh, would you just listen to me?!” Snowdrop says irritably, striking terror into both of us. “...That's better. Since Pegasi can’t use unicorn magic, he took the urn I kept my snowflakes in and enchanted that instead. When the snowflakes ran out, the part of my soul that was bound to the urn could summon another spirit and give it a solid form, at least for a while.”
“Let me guess whose spirit that turned out to be,” I say darkly.
“I’m sorry, Jay.” She looks down. “It was the only way, and when the time came, your spirit was the only one I could use.”
“Why?!”
“You have unfinished business, Jay. You have dreams that never came true. You want to do something special. Helping us to save our world from freezing…that’s special, isn’t it?”
She stares me down, her eyes brimming with tears...
HRRRRRRGGGGHHH! Does she know she's doing this?!
I think about it while I try not to look at her. “Er...it’s not the same as slamming other guys into the turf for a living, but if it's the only way to get this over with, fine. First I need to know what you want from me, and if I can go home when it’s over.”
The mirror begins to shimmer. Whatever power is allowing Snowdrop to appear here, I think it's running low.
“There isn’t much time,” she sounds tired now. “We have only a few days before the Running of the Leaves. First, I need you to find my urn in the place where it was enchanted: the observatory in the Castle of the Two Sisters. There, my spirit will be strong enough to help you create a new batch of snowflakes. Then you must take them to the highest cloud in Cloudsdale, and let one fall to begin the first snow. Luna, please tell Princess Celestia what I have told you, and give Jay whatever help he needs.”
"If you wish it, my dear," she nods reluctantly. ”And...I am sorry I was not there to say goodbye to you."
"Friends like you and I don't have to say it. I am always near," Snowdrop turns to me once more. “Jay…I can’t promise that I can return you to where you came from. But I will do my best.”
"Hey, wait!"
The picture vanishes. I strain my eyes, trying to see any remnant of it in the darkness—but there’s nothing. I reach out with my…
Hooves.
I’ve woken up.
“Spike,” I whimper. Ahh, Snowdrop, how I missed your voice. “Spiiiiiike! Wake up!”
“Mmmmf? Wha?! Twilight?” he cries out. “Oh, it’s you. What the heck are you doing in Twilight’s bed?!”
I think I’m hyperventilating. “Balcony…medicine…now.”
“Look, it can’t be all that bad. If you’d just tell me what the heck is going on…”
I take another puff and hold up the box. “I don’t think you’d believe me if I told you. How many of these are left?”
“Jay, I live with Twilight. Try me. And…13.”
That’s what I figured. I had a few before the accident, and three more counting this one. I close the box and stick it carefully back in my mane. “You’re a dragon, right?”
“I just lit one of those gross things with my breath, didn’t I?”
“Don’t be a wise-ass. I’m trying to make a point. You were born a dragon, and you’re always gonna be one. Right?”
“Give or take a few thousand pounds and a hoard of gems, yeah.” He sounds pleased at the thought.
I exhale, shaking. Better hold that cig with both hooves, unless Twilight likes having burn marks on her balcony. “Okay. Well, I’m not that lucky. Less than two days ago I was a human.”
“Yeah, yeah…”
“They’re real, okay Spike?! And now I’m a pony. A pony everyone thinks is famous. And I don’t even know how long I’ll stay that. And it gets better. I’m supposed to do this big important thing like…take a magic urn to some old castle so I can do whatever-the-hell, and then maybe I’ll get to go home as myself.”
“When did that start?”
“Princess Loony visited me in a dream. It’s a long story.”
He whistles. “Wow. Twilight said Luna could do stuff like that, but I didn’t think--”
“And if I don’t do it…” I slash my hoof across my neck. “We’re in the shit! Or in the snow, is more like it. Maybe forever. At least that’s what some crazy old wizard said a thousand years ago. And I have to do it while I’m weak as a kitten, and blind. So there’s ‘not that bad’ for you. What do you think, huh?”
I give him the spent cigarette. Foomp, goes his breath as he burns it to tiny ashes.
“I think I kind of wish I were you,” he says after a moment.
I wait for the punch line, but there’s nothing. He can’t be serious, can he? “No you don’t, Spike, believe me. I have to change the course of my whole life to help a bunch of ponies solve a problem they should have thought of a thousand years ago! Why the hell would you want to be me?”
Spike is unconcerned. “I get that it's not easy, but if what you're saying is true, you're getting two bodies for the price of one. And two worlds, maybe. That sounds like a pretty sweet deal to me. If I were you, I wouldn’t complain about it so much. I’d just do it.”
“That’s not the point! They have magic here, right? If her damn snowflakes are so important, why not make copies of them instead of grabbing my soul out of the bargain bin and making me do it?”
“Maybe because some things just can't be copied,” Spike doesn’t sound very concerned. "Magic isn't good for everything, ya know."
“But friendship is!” Twilight Sparkle announces from behind us.
“Aaaagh!” I’m so startled that my wings start flapping on instinct. I get maybe six inches off the floor and then fall right on my belly.
“Twilight, how long have you been standing there?” Spike asks.
“Exactly twenty-eight point six seconds!!”
Post-cigarette. Thank God for small favors.
“If Princess Celestia and the girls have taught me anything, it’s that nothing is impossible with the magic of friendship!” Twilight announces happily. “I’m sure that Rainbow Dash, Rarity, Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy and Applejack would be thrilled to go along!”
That’s nice, but is it just me or does she sound a little too happy? I turn in Spike’s direction.
He sounds concerned as well. “Twilight, did you ever go to bed?”
“Bed?! Oh, Spike, who has time to go to bed when there’s so much work to do?! Like, for example, figuringoutthosetestresults!” The last part comes out in a rush of manic frustration.
I shrink back against the balcony. “Um, come again?”
“I mean what the hay are you?! I can’t figure it out! You’re not a Changeling, but you’re not a normal pony either because…” Popping noise, intense pins-and-needles feeling. “That should have made you turn red! See?!”
“No.”
“I couldn’t disguise you as another pony if I wanted to. Your biology is unlike anything I’ve ever observed! It’s not just biology, it’s…magicology!”
I don’t like where this is going. “That’s great, Twilight, but I really need to get some shuteye.”
Hoofsteps. Twilight is walking toward me. “Jay, that's brilliant! Why didn't I think of it?! I can monitor your heartbeat while you're asleep! And your brainwaves. And your nervous system. And your digestive system! There are sooooo many more tests I can do...”
“Snap out of it!” Spike says firmly. “Jay is our guest here, Twilight! Not our experiment.”
I take back every bad thing I said about him.
“But Spike, I have to know…” she’s almost whining.
“Twilight!” I snap. “Until we get a chance to talk to Luna in the morning, screw the tests. I’m not here because I want to be. I’m here because I trust you.”
I try to give her that look Snowdrop gave me in the dream. Be cute. Be cute…
“Oh, Jay,” Twilight sighs. Remorse and exhaustion both seem to hit her like a ton of bricks. “I’m so sorry. I…I don’t know what I was thinking. I got so carried away that I…”
I interrupt as she trails off into a yawn. “Yeah, yeah, we get it. Now go to bed, or your eyes will be too tired to read with tomorrow.”
“Too tired…to read?” Twilight asks weakly. “Don’t…want that.”
“Yes, Twi. Reading,” Spike leads the way as we gently coax her back into the treehouse. “It’s time to rest your eyes now. There you go…”
We finally get her into her room. She begins snoring softly the moment she hits the sheets.
“I’ll make sure she leaves you alone,” he whispers before shutting the door.
“Much appreciated.”
I’m left without a bed now, but I’m too tired to care at this point so I just plunk myself down in the hallway. What a crazy, ridiculous day this has been. What a crazy, ridiculous thing Snowdrop and Luna want me to do. What a crazy, ridiculous Hail Mary play Jarvez made at that one game last year. What a craz…zzzzzzzzzzz.
Author's Note
Jay's mission here comes directly from the last scene in the animation, where Luna reluctantly spends Snowdrop's last snowflake--knowing, as Celestia said, that nopony else could create them and "she only made so many." Because her snowflakes also caused the winter weather to obey the commands of the Pegasi, the whole idea came together pretty well.
It was not easy to make Snowdrop funny. She's always been portrayed as such a serious character. I hope I succeeded here. She has this amusing innocence about her that I really like. It bounces off of Jay's personality very effectively, and tells me that she might very well swipe Jay's soul from another dimension and create what is essentially a Horcrux (minus the killing) with only the purest intentions. ^^
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...And It's Freaking Cold Up Here
VI: By the Princesses' Rule, Get Outta My Way
“Okay, little birdies…let’s try it one more time from the top. You’ve gotten so much better since we started. I know you can do it!”
My eyes open slowly, seeing nothing. I groan slightly and stretch…whoa. I’m lying on something much too soft to be the floor. Did Twilight put me back in her bed? How late have I slept?
“Here we go. Three, two, one: la la la la laaaa…”
Several high voices whistle after her in unison.
I turn to the left, and warm sunlight hitting my face tells me it’s late enough. That and the noises outside mean there must be a window. It’s Twilight’s room, all right.
“That’s wonderful! Oh, I’m so proud of you. I think you’re all finally ready to give your farewell performance before you fly south!” the pony outside the window says proudly. Whoever it is she’s got a nice voice, soft and light as a feather. She sighs. “I’m sorry. I should be more excited, but…it’s just so hard to see you go. The Running of the Leaves is always the hardest time of year.”
“I know how you feel, dear,” says an elegant-sounding pony with a vague accent that I can’t place. Sounds like something I’ve heard in the movies. “But just think how wonderful it will be when they return! I’m sure they’ll sing another song especially for you.”
“Winter isn’t the most excitin’ time of the year around the Acres, either,” a third female pony chimes in. This one has a southern accent. Her voice is full of warmth and strength. “But we gotta have it anyway. ‘Sides, Rainbow Dash might just need that much time to recover when I outrace her this year.”
The elegant one sounds amused. “Oh Applejack, must we go through this in every Running of the Leaves? Every year you two are nipping at each other like Canterlot and Manehattan, and neither of you quite manages to defeat the other…much less finish first.”
“I’m sorry, Applejack, but I think she’s got a point.” The delicate one chimes in meekly.
“Is that so? Well, I reckon I’ll just have to try even harder this time! I’ll get her right by the tail, just you wait and see.” Determination. Guts. Now that’s a pony I’d like to meet.
Their names sound kind of familiar. Sitting up and listening by the window, I hear the sound of hooves on the ground as the strong one gallops away. The other two ponies giggle among themselves.
“Seasonal ceremonies, adventures, even simple discussions. Must those two turn everything into a competition?”
“I think they enjoy it, Rarity. And if Snowdrop is really going to be there, it will be the most special Running of the Leaves ever!”
“Oh, Fluttershy, don’t tell me you believe those rumors! I think Pinkie Pie just saw somepony who looked like Snowdrop and got overexcited. Ponies do not simply come back to life, and besides…”
I sit up in bed and listen to their voices fade into the distance. The Running of the Leaves! Snowdrop said it was almost time, but I didn’t think she meant this soon. That gives me a few months at best to reach the castle she mentioned and make those snowflakes. Don’t know how I’m supposed to make them with just my hooves and my sense of touch, but maybe Luna will have a few ideas. What about Twilight? Can she really pitch in or was it just the temporary insanity talking? I’d better ask her right away. This is going to take a team effort.
I’m halfway out of bed when someone knocks lightly on the door. “Come in.”
“Hey, Jay. Good to see you’re awake.”
“Rainbow!” I roll over onto my hooves and stand up. “Hey, you’re not gonna believe what happened last night.”
“In a minute, kid,” Rainbow says over a strange muffled sound, like someone else is trying to talk but their mouth is covered up. “There’s somepony who needs to tell you something. Go ahead, Pinkie.”
Pinkie?!
I cringe and hold the pillow in front of me for protection. Here it comes. More trumpets, confetti in the eyes, and baked goods at maximum velocity. At least it’ll wake me up.
Just when I think I know what to expect in this world, it has to prove me wrong. There’s no flying cake batter, no band section, and when she does start singing it’s in a sort of loud whisper.
“Sorry sorry sorry, I thought that you could see
She blows a noisemaker. Softly.
Seconds pass before I peek out from behind the pillow. “Is that it?”
“That’s my apology song! Can we be friends now? Please? Pretty please? Pretty please with cherries on top? Pretty please with cherries and whipped cream and sprinkles and nutmeg? Mmmm, that sounds good!”
She scared me half to death yesterday, but so did a lot of other things. Compared to waking up as a pony and nearly plummeting to my death, I guess she wasn't so bad.
“Fine, Pinkie. But no more of that damn welcome wagon."
A loud continuous squeak fills the room, building in volume and intensity. At first I wonder if someone left a teapot on; then I realize it's her. I duck behind the pillow again.
“WOO-HOO!” Pinkie explodes with joy. “I just love making friends! I got so excited when I thought you were Snowdrop coming back from the dead that I had to tell everypony in Ponyville! I guess I overdid it. But then Twilight told us it was all a mistake and I felt really sorry and now that we’re friends I get to throw you a Sorry-I-Thought-You-Were-A-Famous-Zombie Party! OH YEAH!”
I blink. "You're not like other ponies, are you?"
"I dunno," she sounds like she's never thought about it before. "But I sure like to make them smile!"
“A party is a cool idea, Pinks, but let’s wait until Jay is ready,” Rainbow says firmly. "He still has to eat breakfast. And do more of Twilight's funky tests. And take a flying lesson with yours truly."
I shiver. "Flying lesson?"
"Hey, you've got wings, buddy--like it or not. You gotta learn to use 'em sometime."
"But I can't even see where I'm going!"
"Hey, neither could the real Snowdrop and she was a great flyer! Twi said she was one of the best cloud movers in Old Equestria."
I hold up my hooves. "Well, I'm not. And I can't make snowflakes, either! I don't know how she thinks I'm going to do all this crazy stuff. The next time she needs an errand boy she can just pick one from her own damn universe."
"Um...Jay? Who are you talking about?"
"Yeah. Have you gone loco in the coco?" Pinkie giggles.
I sigh. Of course they wouldn't have a clue what I'm talking about. "It's a long story. Would you believe me if I said that Princess Luna visited me in my dreams last night?"
"Ooooo! I know!" Pinkie exclaims. "Then she told you you were her long-lost foal and the seventh Element of Harmony and she needed you to save Equestria from evil giant...um, zucchini!"
"Why zucchini?" Rainbow asks.
"Why not zucchini?"
"Well, how can zucchini be evil?"
"Have you ever met anypony who liked it?"
"Hmm...good point."
"It's not zucchini!" I snap. "Luna and Snowdrop told me I needed to go to some old castle and make more of her weird snowflakes or Equestria will be buried in snow forever."
Rainbow sounds unconvinced. "Yep. That's some dream, all right."
"I like the giant zucchini idea better," Pinkie adds. "Plus 'zucchini' is such a funny word. Like guava! Couldn't you just say 'guava' over and over again? Guava guava guava guava guava guava guava--"
I pull the pillow over my face and groan.
“Well…it’s certainly an interesting theory,” Twilight says patiently.
I feel one of my eyelids beginning to twitch. “That's it? You believed me when you were spying on Spike and me last night!"
"Well, actually, I don't remember much about that," she says with a touch of guilt. "I was really tired, and I think I said some things I didn't mean. I'm sorry if I--"
"Never mind that. Look, Luna and Snowdrop stood right there in front of me and told me it was true! What, do you think they were screwing with me? Just invading my dreams for kicks or something?! I wouldn’t put it past Luna, but the ghost of Snowdrop did not come back nine centuries later and abduct my soul just for laughs! Hell, I don’t think that pony ever laughed in her life.”
“Jay, of course I’m not saying that,” she sounds as if she’s talking to a child. She doesn’t want to hurt my feelings, so she insults my intelligence instead. Beth did that to me too when we argued and I hated it. “I’m just saying that despite all the rumors about Princess Luna entering other ponies' dreams, it’s actually very rare. There have been many ponies who thought it happened to them, especially since she came back from the moon. But they turned out to be just regular dreams about Princess Luna.”
“This is different. I know it. I was standing right there in my real body, my human body, and she saw me! Now if you’re not going to help me I’ll just hitch a ride with Rainbow, go straight to Canterlot, and drag Luna out of bed myself!”
I turn my back (flank, I guess) on her and head for the door. Fortunately I’m not so pissed off that I forget where it is. That would be even more embarrassing than having to argue with someone in Snowdrop’s voice.
“Wait. You can’t!” At least she’s taking me seriously now. “You can’t even get into the castle without the princesses’ permission. Especially now, after the Changelings...well, I guess you wouldn’t know about that. But Changelings are--”
“Don’t bother. Luna told me what they were last night. 'Nasty little creatures they are. They canst steal the shape-est of anything they see-est.' That sound about right to you?"
For the first time Twilight sounds unsure. "Yes..."
"I’d never heard of them before. I didn’t even know what Princess Loony and Snowdrop looked like until then.” I whirl around, wishing I could see the look on her face. “So you tell me, Twilight Sparkle. How can I dream up stuff I didn’t even know? Because it wasn’t just a dream.”
I hear her shuffling her hooves, thinking.
“All right, Jay. If you really are sure, I’ll write to Princess Celestia. Spike?”
The baby dragon walks in from the kitchen, acting like he wasn’t eavesdropping. “What’s up, Twilight?”
“I need you to take a letter.”
Shuffling noises as he grabs a paper and quill. “Okay, go ahea…ahea…uh…uhhhhh…” He lets out an enormous belch that rattles the library windows.
I sit on my haunches and applaud slowly. “Dayum, Spike. Good one.”
“It’s more than that, it’s a letter,” he opens it up. “From Princess Celestia! Huh. What do you know?”
“You send letters by burping? How does that work?”
“Magic, dude.”
“Let me see it!” Slight buzz on my skin as Twilight opens the scroll with her own magic. “ ‘Dear Twilight, my most loyal and diligent student’…” She pauses and giggles indulgently.
“Get on with it!” I growl.
“ ‘I am writing again to inform you that your guest’s presence here in Equestria is no accident. My sister Luna tells me she has not only seen his true form, but learned of…an ancient prophecy by the late Starswirl the Bearded foretelling a disastrous winter in Equestria,’ ” Twilight continues in disbelief.
That sure is a fancy way to put it. If they only knew my ‘true form’ was a burned-out guy in his thirties coaching high school football.
“ ‘Please gather Jay and your friends and meet with us tonight at Canterlot Castle, and all will be explained. Your mentor, Princess Celestia’.” Twilight reads sheepishly. "Jay...I guess I owe you another apology. You were right, and you really are who you said you were."
Thank you Luna, I say silently.
Twilight squeals excitedly, rushes forward and puts her hooves on my shoulders. "Quickly! Tell me about your world again! I want to know everything! What kind of magic do you use? How many kinds of humans are there? The books--tell me about the books!"
Never mind, Luna.
I should have known: Twilight's other friends are the same three ponies I heard talking outside this morning. I wonder if there are any coincidences in Equestria.
"Oh my goodness," the shy one says in awe after the introductions. "It's true. You really do look just like Snowdrop."
"See? See? Isn't it amazing?!" Pinkie whoops.
I clear my throat uncomfortably. Blind or not, I don't like the feeling of being stared at. "Yeah, that's what all the ponies tell me."
"I'm afraid they're right, darling. Not even my makeup kit could do a job like that," says another pony. What was her name again...Scarcity? Nope, that doesn't sound right. Rarity--that's it.
"Well, let's put a lid on it. The filly says she's Jay, and that's that," the fifth friend says kindly. Now this one, I remember: Applejack. I thought about telling her that her name was a mixed drink in my world, but thought better of it.
Somepony--I'm guessing it's her--ruffles my mane with their hoof. I breathe a sigh of relief as they just miss the cigarette pack in there.
"Thanks," I mumble. "Look, you all seem really nice and everything, but are you sure you're ready for this? I mean, being friends with Twilight and Rainbow is cool, but we're talking about saving Equestria here. I don't think it's gonna be easy."
I wait through an awkward silence, and then...they all burst out laughing.
"What the hell is so funny?" I stare around blankly. One of the ponies gasps; I think it's Fluttershy. Strange that she's the only one who even notices the cussing.
"We're not laughing at you, Jay," Rainbow says. "It's just, about the whole 'saving Equestria' thing? We're starting to get the hang of it."
As Twilight launches into a crazy spiel about how she and her friends wield six magic weapons called the Elements of Harmony, I start to wonder if this was all part of Snowdrop's plan. No coincidences, indeed.
Author's Note
I decided Pinkie needed to apologize to Jay, partly thanks to Flutters is Shy who wrote a neat one-shot inspired by that welcome wagon encounter.
Jay's Cigarette Count: 13
...And It's Freaking Cold Up Here
VII: It's Freaking Hot in Here
The afternoon passes quickly as Twilight and Co. insist on showing me all of Ponyville--well, they can't show me anything, but I know what they mean. I meet a ton of ponies whose names I can't remember, smell and taste a ton of things I wish I could see. It's not a bad time, I have to admit. And if nothing else, it shows me one thing: Twi and her friends are seriously tight. They don't just enjoy each other's company, they're also a team. The boys back at Douglass High are very well coached, if I say so myself--but if they were as close as this bunch, we'd have won a state championship by now.
Our late lunch is definitely the highlight. We stop at the market square, the kind of place I didn't have back home, and I swear I never ate fruit or vegetables that tasted so good. Maybe being a pony has something to do with it, maybe not, but I'm learning not to sweat the difference.
"Wow," I sigh after finishing the last carrot. "I tell ya, if my ex made vegetables like this I would've made it home every night."
There it is again, that "everypony is staring at me" feeling.
"What?" I protest.
"Nothing, dear," Rarity sounds like she just swallowed something whole. "Nothing at all."
"Look, I told you guys I'm not really a girl or an underage pony. We've established this, right?"
"Just give 'em a little more time, Jay," Rainbow chuckles. Even she sounds a bit uncomfortable.
"Besides, don't tell me that none of you are married."
Silence. A few coughs here and there.
I raise an eyebrow. "Dating?"
An embarrassed squeak from Fluttershy's direction. A shuffling of hooves.
"None of you?" I ask incredulously. Nothing bugs me like young people who overuse the word "awkward" and act like they're entitled to be totally comfortable 24/7, but this really is awkward.
"W-well, I do see the odd gentlecolt here and there, but not at the moment," Rarity finally speaks up.
Everypony else quickly chimes in with reasons. "Too busy flying. You know how it is." "I'm too busy flyin' too. I mean, um, workin'." "How can you have a party with just two ponies? Bo-ring!" "Squeak... "
"Twilight?" I turn to her.
"It's complicated, Jay."
"What kind of complicated? You don't mean you guys are, like..." I touch my front hooves together.
"No, no!! N-not that!" Twilight says in a shrill voice. Damn, I can practically hear them all blushing. "I mean, we just haven't met the right stallions yet. I'm sure, when we're ready..."
"Fair enough. I guess it's none of my business," I glance down. "Can't say you're missing very much."
Rarity is beginning to seem interested. "Why do you say that?"
Best not to bother them with the details of my lovelife. What are they going to do, offer advice?
“…Never mind, it’s not important. Isn’t it almost time to meet the princesses?”
Twilight sounds mortified. “Oh, no!”
“Good thinking, kid. How could you tell?” That’s Rainbow.
“Easy. The sun isn’t as warm as it was and I hear less ponies out on the streets. And since you said there would be no clouds today, let alone storms…”
“Point taken. Okay Twi, just relax. Let’s find that fancy hot air balloon of yours and get going.”
Twilight is not relaxing. “The balloon?! Oh no oh no oh no…where is it? Where did I leave it? Where did—oh. I remember!”
“Twilight. Don’t--”
Buzz. SIZZLE. Plop.
My nerves are screaming, my head is spinning a mile a minute, and the ground under my hooves suddenly feels different. That…was not fun.
I think I’m going to be sick.
Update: I am now being sick.
“Twilight, how could you? You know she isn’t used to teleporting!” Rarity protests amid similar remarks from the others.
"I...I just wasn't…well, I panicked," she says lamely.
Fluttershy touches my shoulder. “You poor thing! Are you going to be all right?”
“Sure, no sweat,” I rasp. I raise a front leg in an attempt to wave it off. Unfortunately, I lose my balance and almost fall into my own mess. Fluttershy catches me just in time. “Digestive fluids, yes, but no sweat. Thanks.”
“Are you sure? I can take you straight back to the library if you want. I know Princess Celestia would understand…”
I burst into a coughing fit and take a moment to recover. Is a teleportation spell that uncomfortable or was Snowdrop just really delicate? Could be both. “No. I want to talk to the princesses and get this meeting over with. Anyone got a mint or something?”
Rarity obliges. It’s a mint leaf, but it’s better than nothing. I brush off any further questions about my health as we climb into the basket. Twilight activates something with her magic and it begins to rise. I feel a familiar stab of envy as all the other ponies exclaim over the great view. The swaying of the balloon doesn’t make my stomach feel any better, either. Better to get my mind off it. I take a moment to chat with someone, anyone.
“Who’s there?” I ask the pony next to me in a low voice.
“It's me, sugarcube.”
"So Applejack...it really doesn't bother you that I look just like Snowdrop?"
She's more than willing to talk. "Course not. Why should it?"
"Well, everypony I've met since I got here felt some way about it. Except for you, that is."
"Heck, appearances ain't everything. When I was a little filly and my family got together, they were always mistakin' me for Caramel Apple, Apple Cobbler, Gala Appleby and all my other cousins and it drove me plumb crazy. Truth be told, it was one of the reasons I went to stay with my relatives in the Orange family for a while. Nopony mistook me for another Apple in Manehattan."
Twilight jumps in. "And now you're one of the Elements of Harmony! I bet they all remember you now."
"Don't ask me," Rainbow Dash says confidently. "I would've been famous anyway."
"The most famous public nuisance in Ponyville, maybe," Applejack grumbles.
"Hey, don't start with me, A.J. I'm already gonna beat you at the Running of the Leaves tomorrow. Chill out and I won't make it too embarrassing for you."
Applejack takes the bait. "You couldn't beat me this year if I was pullin' a plow the whole way."
"Oh yeah? Well, I think you better stick to plowing and apple farming, 'cause racing is my world. That's why you've never beat me."
"You can't go all that fast with a swelled head, Rainbow, and that's why you never beat me either!"
"Jay, buddy, you coached other humans in your world, right? Well, do me a favor and coach Applejack there at the race tomorrow. She needs all the help she can get."
"Never you mind that, Jay. Why doncha tell Dash here how much energy she would save if she just stopped yappin' so much?"
I grin. "You know, she might have a point, Rainbow."
"What? Hey, whose side are you on?!"
"Aw, simmer down, sugarcube. You can’t blame her for backin’ the best pony."
Twilight lets out an exasperated moan. “Girls, that’s enough! I’m trying to concentrate on steering this balloon! Our meeting is at sundown, and that’s going to happen any minute. The princesses will be wondering what happened to us.”
“Look on the bright side, Twi,” I say as AJ and Dash’s argument echoes through the sky. “At least they’ll hear us coming.”
“So,” says Princess Celestia.
“So.”
She clears her throat. Neither one of us has a clue what to say, because neither one knows what the hell they’re looking at. I see darkness where there’s supposed to be the most powerful pony in Equestria. She sees a famous friend of her sister’s whose body has been regenerated and occupied by a foul-mouthed pod person. I’m not sure we’re going to get along.
“My sister tells me you are not from this world,” she sounds slightly troubled and amused at the same time. There’s a lot of laughter in her voice, but it’s not contagious like Pinkie’s. Celestia’s voice laughs only to herself, and it puts me on edge. For all I know she could be making faces at me this whole time. “Despite resembling a very conspicuous pony from its history.”
“Not by choice, but yeah. Um, yes, Your Highness.”
“Then there is one question I must ask you.”
“Go ahead.” I shrug. A pony with an aura this intense can ask me anything she likes. And by “aura” I don’t mean that wacky new-age stuff they talk about in my world, I mean something I can feel in my bones. The same thing I felt from Luna, even though that was a dream.
“What is your favorite kind of candy?”
Not “what is your true form,” not “what are people like in your world,” not “are you a ghoul possessing my sister’s friend's body”. Sweets. I shouldn’t be surprised, really.
“Gummy worms.”
“The real Snowdrop preferred cherry sours. Even though she hated when chewy things got stuck in her teeth,” Celestia sighs. “You truly are different from her.”
Damn. I didn’t even think about that. Is there something stuck in my teeth right now? I’d better watch what I eat in the future. “I’m glad we cleared that up, Your Majesty.”
I doubt the Princess herself cares about formalities, but Twilight will probably have a heart attack if I don’t use them. It’s already obvious that she worships this pony.
Bad news, in my opinion. Celestia’s too tough to read. Never attach yourself to someone if you don’t really know who they are. I’m glad to be going with Luna instead. She’s old-fashioned and kind of crazy, but she feels more…human, if that makes any sense.
“I must admit that even I was not aware of Snowdrop and Starswirl’s plans. Snowdrop was always closer with Luna, and Starswirl was…not close with anypony in particular, except for Scorpan. Although I had misgivings at first, I have received reports of very turbulent atmospheric activity from Cloudsdale, and I am satisfied that it is no coincidence.”
So far, so good.
“The things my sister sees when entering other ponies’ dreams are no coincidence, either. Therefore, I have decided to allow her to escort you to the ruins of our old castle and into the observatory. The way there will be very dangerous, particularly because you must travel through the Everfree Forest. Even with Luna as your guide, you may need additional help. Twilight Sparkle?”
“Y-yes, Princess!” Twilight pipes up behind me, always eager to please.
“You and your friends shall accompany them as well. As I’m sure you’ve heard, Mister Jay, we have had our run-ins with changelings as of late. We cannot be too careful. And, at any rate, I think you will be grateful for their company.”
Finally, somepony besides Rainbow and Spike who believes I’m a guy. I chuckle. “Yeah, Luna can be kind of…uh…”
“Yes?” The crazier princess says with intense interest.
Shit! I didn’t think she was still in the room! “Er…awesome?”
To my relief, Celestia plays along. “Yes, her…’awesomeness’ is quite well known.”
“Sister!” Luna protests.
“However, keeping in mind that she is the one you are to travel with, I shall leave all the arrangements to her.”
“I thank thee, dear sister,” Luna softens. Then she turns to me. “We shall depart the day after the Running of the Leaves. In the meantime, thy impertinence in the presence of royalty hath convinced Us that thee requires a more…basic education in Equestrian culture.”
She chuckles ominously. Celestia joins in.
I've got a bad feeling about this.
“Look, I already told everyone, I’m not a real filly! I don’t need to go to school all over again!”
“This is not elementary education, Miss Jay,” Cheerilee replies. “You certainly look like a schoolfilly to me, but if the princesses are convinced that you are in fact a 37-year-old alien, that’s good enough for me.”
“Then what the he…hay am I doing in school with THEM?!” I jab my hoof in the direction of three actual fillies who have been driving me insane since I walked in the door. All they could talk about was getting their cutie marks, a concept I still haven’t wrapped my head around.
Scootaloo snickers. “Maybe you’re not as smart as you think you are.”
“Maybe Miss Cheerilee’s gonna wash your mouth out with soap like Granny Smith does!” Apple Bloom huffs.
“Maybe you’re going to teach us how to style our manes just like you!” Sweetie Belle squeaks. There’s a brief silence, like both of her friends are staring at her. “What? I really like her mane.”
Cheerilee clears her throat loudly. “Jay, you are here because no matter how much you may have learned in this ‘other world’, you know almost nothing of pony history, social studies, or hoof-reading--three fields that will be vital to your life here in Equestria. Other subjects can wait for now, but at least--”
“Hey Miss Cheerilee,” Scootaloo interrupts again. “I’m even better than her! I’m, like, a 47 -year-old alien. Can I skip half my subjects, too?”
“I’m 99!” Apple Bloom adds. “Can I skip a grade?”
“I’m older than both of them put together!” Sweetie says cheerfully. "Can I go now?"
“Ponies don’t get that old, Sweetie Belle,” Scootaloo scoffs.
“I am! I’m…uh…a super-intelligent robot! I was programmed with all the knowledge in Equestria!”
I’ve heard of facedesking, but I never thought I’d do it literally. THUNK.
The teacher takes control. “Please, Sweetie, not that story again. And as for you three, you are not in class either. You are staying after because you chose to disobey my no-spitballs-allowed rule. I’m told it will take all night for Diamond Tiara to wash those out of her tail.”
“She deserves it,” Apple Bloom mutters.
“Deserves it? In your view, perhaps she does,” Cheerilee intones. “But many ponies who go dry deserve spitballs, and many who get spitballed deserve to be dry. Can you give that to them, Apple Bloom?”
She sighs. “No...”
“Then do not be too eager to deal out spittle in judgment, for even the very wise cannot see all ends. Now sit quietly.”
Grumbles from the three brats. I snicker.
“Now then, Jay, it is time to begin our first lesson about pony history. Page one of sixty…” I hear the creak of Cheerilee opening a depressingly large book. She recites: “Nopony knoweth exactly when ponykind first dideth arrive to ponify the land of Equestria, but the first records of ponyism existeth from the era of the Great Gallop, in which ponies migrateth to the southwestern part of the continent via magical pony land bridge. The three distinct species of pony already existedeth at this time, and their true origin is also a pony mystery. Earth ponies worketh the land, unicorn ponies exploreth the ether, and pegasus ponies gotteth tired of both of them and escaped to the air because flying was really awesome. In time --”
I raise my hoof. “Look, teacher lady, I know I have to take your word for it, but is this a real official textbook? Because it sounds absolutely ridiculous.”
“Now that you mention it, this is a specialized volume prepared for you by Princess Luna. If I may continue…”
My face hits the desk again. Oh, Luna, I am going to get you for this.
“…Pony pony pony eth eth pony pony eth pony pony pony eth pony eth pony…”
The fillies are laughing their heads off. Is that what she’s actually saying or is it just all I’m hearing? Whatever. I don’t care, I can’t take any more of it. “Cheerilee, as much I really appreciate Princess Luna’s generosity, I don’t think this is gonna work. I need to get back to the library and sleep, and I’ll be gone from Ponyville in two days. If you expect me to learn anything in that time, you're better off getting me a tutor or something so we can cover the basics.”
Cheerilee sounds a bit relieved as she shuts the book. “Perhaps that would be best. I’ll arrange an appointment for you with our best student after the festivities tomorrow evening.”
I hear the cutie mark demons laughing again.
“No way!”
“She’s doomed.”
“So glad I’m not her.”
Screw them. Whoever the biggest egghead in class is, they can’t be as bad as this, right?
“Hurry,” I groan.
“Yeah, yeah, I’m hurrying,” Spike says irritably. I hear him fumbling with the pack. I’m too tired to open the damn thing right now, but maybe I should’ve tried anyway. He’s taking forever.
Finally I feel the telltale flash of heat, and he hands me a cigarette. The first drag feels like Christmas.
“There, ya happy?”
“Yes.”
“I don’t know what’s so great about these things,” Spike says.
I ignore him and breathe out slowly. Might as well enjoy them while I can. I imagine this tree and all of Ponyville being covered in snow. Snow everywhere, piling up so thick that earth ponies can’t shovel it, blowing so hard that pegasi can’t fly through it, and storms so volatile that unicorns can’t figure out how to stop them. It could be a reality soon enough.
Some of the smoke goes right into my face, and I wince. Why would it be going toward me? There’s no wind out here.
I turn to my right. “…SPIKE! What the hell are you doing?!”
“Trying out one of your medicine sticks,” he says carelessly. “Doesn’t taste like anything, though.”
“Give me that! Get rid of it! Stop! Humans only!”
“What’s the big deal? You can get more.”
I jump up and down in panic. “No, I can’t!”
“Okay! Fine.” He decides to get rid of it. Foomp. That felt like one big jet of fire.
I slowly relax, but chills are still crawling up my spine. “Don’t ever do that again, all right? They don’t have this kind of, uh, medicine in Equestria. When it’s gone, it’s gone. Plus, it’s pure smoke.”
He sounds unconcerned as he hands me the pack. “I’m a dragon, Jay. What I can’t figure out is how it helps you.”
“It’s complicated. Just don’t tell anyone about it. They’ll ask too many questions,” I secure the pack in my mane. My ears prick up. “Hey, what’s that noise? Sounds like Twilight crumpling paper.”
“Nah, she’s in bed,” Spike pauses a moment, then gasps. “GYAAAAAH!”
“What?!”
“Fire! The balcony! It’s on fire!”
“You idiot!” My wings flap instinctively, driving me back from the growing heat. “Put it out, quick!”
“How?! I can’t blow water!”
“Twilight! WHERE’S TWILIGHT?” Something blows right by my head as I yell this, something else with feathers. A bird?
“Go get her, Owloysius!” Spike yells. His claws grab at my hoof. “Spit it out. Hurry!”
With a sinking heart, I throw my unfinished cigarette into the roaring flames. What a great day this turned out to be.
Twilight teleports right in next to us with a sizzle and a plop. “Spike! Jay! Are you all right? Stand back.”
Something sharp and scaly bounces on top of me. Spike, either in terror or excitement, has jumped right on my back. I retreat against the wall, stumbling on too many damn legs as the alcove vibrates with magical energy. I don’t know what kind of spell can put out a fire, but I’m glad Twilight knows it. Chalk it up as one more thing I wish I could see.
The hum of the magic grows, slowly drowning out the crackle of the flames until I don’t hear them anymore. The heat is gone, too.
Finally Twilight stops. “What the heck were you two doing up here?” She’s out of breath and very upset.
I gulp. "Um…"
“Um…” Spike echoes just above me.
“Well?”
I can feel her eyes on me. What do I do? The cigarettes didn’t start the fire, but they were a factor. I take a deep breath, ready to confess everything.
“It…it was my fault, Twilight.”
I close my mouth. Spike just beat me to it.
“We were out here talking, and…uh…” he trails off, sounding nervous as hell. His claws are digging into my sides. He doesn’t want to lie to her.
I take over. “It was really me, Twi. You see, no animal can breathe fire where I come from, and I told Spike I didn’t believe he could either. He said he could, so I dared him, and...”
“I guess I overdid it.” Spike finishes.
One long, angry lecture later, Twilight goes back to bed while Spike and I have to mop up the scorched balcony floor. We work for a while without saying anything. Spike is probably having an easier time of it; I have to grip my mop with my teeth.
“Guess that’s about it,” Spike mumbles at length.
I drop my mop back into the bucket. “You know, you didn’t have to help me out back there.”
“I know.”
“Why did you?”
“’Cause if Twilight found out about…whatever those things are, she’d be mad at me for not telling her sooner?” Spike says uncertainly.
I give him a tired look. “Come on. I wasn’t born yesterday.”
“No reason! You just talk to me, that’s all.”
“Of course I talk to you. What else would I do, use telepathy? Burp a letter at you?”
“You’re really dense, you know that, Jay?” he snaps. “I mean, you TALK to me. Like I’m a real person and everything, instead of just the baby dragon who can’t do anything right. Twilight’s the only one who ever talks to me that way. And Pinkie Pie, sometimes.”
I clear my throat, feeling embarrassed. “Oh. Um…what about Rarity?”
“She’s just humoring me,” he says glumly. “No matter how many nice things I do for her, it’s always the same. I mean, I’d still rather be around her than do anything else, but…you know.”
I nod. “I see. Well…thanks.”
“Jay? You’ve been around a while, right? How do you get mares to like you?”
“You mean, women?” I shake my head slowly. “You can’t, Spike. In my experience, they either like you or they don’t.”
“Well, if they do like you, what do you do?”
I pause for a long moment to think of Beth. She was always hard to figure out. Hard to keep track of, too; she was out of the house so often. In the garden, at the store, having lunch with her friends from work. She drifted in and out so fast, sometimes all I saw was that long brown hair trailing behind her as she swept out of the room. I liked that hair. She never did cut it, even though she threatened to every time we had an argument. Which, later on, was a lot.
My mind drifts back to Spike, whose claws skritch and scratch on the floor as he waits for an answer.
“Don’t take them for granted,” I say.
Author's Note
Whew! Glad that one's finally finished. Jay has only one more day to spend in Ponyville before the adventure begins. Who will win this year's race at the Running of the Leaves, AJ or Dash? Who is Jay's tutor? And how badly will he miss that wasted smoke?
Jay's Cigarette Count: 11
...And It's Freaking Cold Up Here
I sit up in bed the next morning and open my eyes. Not that it makes any difference.
As I slide down to the floor and stub my hoof on the bedpost, I decide two things: it's going to be a rough day, and my mood is going to match. Maybe it's because I'm goddamn sick and tired of being blind, maybe it's because I didn't finish my cig last night, maybe it's because I didn't sleep well after Spike got me thinking about Beth again...or maybe it's just that I have to wait one more day to get out of here and take Snowdrop's silly vase to the castle ruins.
"Twilight!" I call as I stumble out of her room. I hate having to remember where the doorway is and how far I am from the stairs.
"Good morning, Jay!" she calls up from the landing. "How did you sleep?"
"Lousy! But I don't need you carrying me to your bed every morning after you wake up. I've slept in worse places than a hallway. I can handle it, all right?"
"Oh...all right. I was only trying to help." She sounds embarrassed. Good.
I keep one hoof on the bannister and trip very slowly down the stairs. Maybe I do want that flying lesson from Rainbow. "Help? If you want to help me, dig into your bag of magic tricks and make my eyes work again. How's that for an experiment?"
"Well, there are several possibilities that exist for correcting a pony's vision," she says carefully, "But I'm not sure if they would do any good. Your body has a significantly higher concentration of magic than a normal pony's, and it's impossible to be sure of the result. You didn't respond at all to a temporary color changing spell, yet my teleportation spell caused you extreme discomfort. I'm afraid it would be irresponsible of me to--"
"Forget that! I'll take responsibility! Just think of something!"
"I'll try, Jay," she says softly. "You have my word. In the meantime, are you ready for breakfast?"
"I don't feel like it," I finally get to the landing and walk unceremoniously to the door.
"Where are you going?"
"Out!"
She sounds worried. "But you don't know your way around Ponyville that well yet! You should take somepony with you."
"I don't want anypony with me--and it's body! Anybody, as in person! Human being! Now leave me the hell alone."
I slam the door behind me and stalk out into the front yard. A light rain is falling and there's some wind, too. I don't care. I'm tired of staying in that uncomfortable treehouse and mooching off of Twilight. I've got a job to do, princess-tested and Snowdrop-approved, and I want to go do it and get out of here! What am I going to miss about this crazy place anyway?
I have no clue where to go, so I stay here fuming and muttering to myself. It must look pretty weird to anyone passing by. Well, forget them. I didn't ask to be here.
My coat is getting wet.
I don't know how long I've been sitting there when the sound of flapping wings seeps through the rain. Something plunks down next to me in the wet grass.
"Hey."
It's Rainbow Dash. I relax a little, without answering.
"So, you got tired of hanging out at Egghead Central Headquarters, huh?"
I grunt. "Something like that."
"I don't blame ya. Twi is cool in her own way, but..."
I shake my head. "It's my fault. I woke up feeling shitty and I took it out on her."
"...Oh. Been there, dude."
We don't say anything for a while. The rain keeps falling.
"Hey. Let's get outta here."
"And go where?" I turn to her as she stands up again. She shakes the water out of her feathers, spraying me with a fine mist.
"Anywhere. Just up."
I have nowhere else to be, so I nod. She wraps her front hooves around me. One flap of her wings shoulders gravity aside and I'm in the air. The wind yields with a gentle roar as we take off. She's right; the destination doesn't matter. We're everywhere and nowhere. The only warm and solid thing is her, and it's enough.
I might stay like this forever if I could.
Even the best flier in the world has to get tired sometime, though, so I make myself as small a burden as I can. Don't move or speak; be a part of her. It seems to work.
Finally we level off. The wind slows down and my hooves touch a surface again. I know right away it's a cloud, but different from the one I woke up on. It feels much larger and thicker, more like a bounce house than cotton candy. I even catch a whiff of it; it smells old and dry. The air is thin and cold and I don’t feel wet anymore. We must be even higher than the rain.
"This is it, kid."
I swallow hard. "What?"
"The highest place in Cloudsdale, like Luna was talking about," she's breathing hard. It must have taken a lot out of her to get me here. "This is where it ends, when you get the snowflakes and all. Just thought I'd let you get a feel for it."
"...Thanks." I'm shaking, but not because I'm scared.
"And there's nopony else up here. Anything you want to say now, kid, is between us and the sky."
I take a tentative step forward.
"Plenty of room."
I pace back and forth for a while, like I'm on the sideline at a game--a losing game.
"I need to get out of the library," I say. "Twilight means well and Spike's a lot cooler than I thought he'd be. But it's not working."
I jab a hoof into the cloud. It doesn't give much.
"I'm so weak. Just a child. A disabled child. I fucking hate this. I'm sick of feeling helpless and I want my eyes back. Just one minute and I'd still have my eyes, do you know that? And my body. All I had to do was leave my place one minute earlier, one minute later, and this doesn't happen. The drunk never crashes into me and I'm still back there, doing...whatever. I was on my way to the gas station. Who knows what time it is over there now?"
I pace some more. I'm overflowing with emotion; my heart feels too big for my body.
"I want to wake up in the hospital again and see Beth. I don't want to get back together with her or anything. That's gone. I just want her to be there so I can tell her I'm sorry for being a jerk."
"Beth? Your...ex?"
I nod.
"You still love her?"
I feel my eyes getting wet, and squeeze them shut. "Love. Goddamit, is that all anyone ever talks about? What does love mean anyway? How can one word sum up all the stuff that really matters?"
Dash doesn't reply, just waits for me to get it out of my system.
"Like the way she would cook for me even when I wasn't hungry, just to show that she cared? Or the time she dented the fender on the Corvette and I liked her so much I just laughed it off? Was that love? How about the time her dad and I got drunk and fought and I knocked one of his teeth out, but he still gave us his blessing a few months later just to make her happy? Saying 'I love you' doesn't capture that, Rainbow. It can't. Especially when it wasn't true anymore and we went on saying it anyway."
I’m out of words. She gives me a minute to wipe my eyes before she walks up next to me.
“I think I kinda know what you mean.”
I look up in her direction. “You? Rainbow, we were married as long as you’ve been alive.”
“I mean my parents, doofus. They just kinda stopped feeling it after a while.”
“What happened?”
“They stuck around, for me,” she says. “’Cause they were really cool. Where do you think I got it from, huh?”
I smirk.
“And then later when I moved out…that was it. They just went and did their own thing. I still see ‘em sometimes,” I sense that she’s looking at me. “You have any kids?”
“Nope.”
“Ever gonna?”
“…I’m just trying to take care of myself right now. It’s about all I was ever good at.”
“Oh, yeah?” she thumps me hard on the back. Ouch. “Well, be sure to tell that to all those ponies down there after you save ‘em from the sickest winter ever!”
I cough. “Ow. Abuse. Abuse!”
“Too hard?”
“I think you knocked something loose, you big oaf,” I wink in her direction. “I kinda feel lighter now.”
“A little thing like you? You can’t afford to lose any more weight, kid!” she grabs my head with her hooves and gives me a quick noogie.
“Don’t call me kid,” I smile a little, until I feel something fall out of my mane and land on the cloud right in front of us. Three guesses…
Rainbow stops. “Hey, what’s that?”
Something had to spoil the moment. I gulp. “Um…well, that’s…”
“Sure is a funny looking box. Hmm…” It sounds like she’s picked it up. Now she’s sniffing it. “Hey! I thought you smelled kinda like smoke, but I figured it was from Twi’s magic or something. It’s these things, isn’t it? What the heck are they?”
No way out of this one; I have to tell her. Someone else was bound to find out eventually.
“I’ll tell you, Rainbow, but you have to keep it between us,” I put a hoof around her shoulder. “They’re called cigarettes. And don’t touch ‘em if you ever want to make the Wonder Colts.”
“Wonderbolts, dude.”
“Whatever,” I fidget slightly. Hundreds of feet up, nopony else around, didn’t get a decent smoke last night… “Give me one of those, will you?”
By the time Rainbow and I get back from Cloudsdale, I’m done bitching and I feel ready for anything. I don't even worry about not being able to see the leaves. They'll all be down by the end of the day anyway, and then we can get to work. I might as well try to enjoy myself until then. If Snowdrop’s plan works, it could be the last free day I ever have here.
Fluttershy told me all about pony holidays while we waited for Rainbow and Applejack to warm up, and just as I thought, everything is done manually. The leaves have to be removed from the trees by the ponies. It sounds like a pain in the ass to me, but somehow they make it fun. A lot of trees are stripped with controlled windstorms created by the pegasi, but near towns and cities it becomes a real festival. A bunch of ponies run a marathon all over the place, and the vibrations from their hooves bring down the leaves. Twilight is busy using her magic to dry the dirt roads. I have to remember to apologize to her later.
But enough of that. It's time to do what I do best: coach.
"All right Dash, you ready?"
Her wings flutter with nervous excitement. "Born ready, kid!"
"That reminds me, get those wings tied up. None of your Sonic Raincoats or those other tricks you do."
"Rainbooms!"
"Whatever. Now focus. You need to use your head out there. To you this is just another race. To A.J., it's personal. All she cares about is beating you. Unless you want to tie for last place the third year in a row, don't waste time taunting her, showing off, or playing dirty.”
Rainbow growls. “She always starts it! You think I’m gonna let her get one up on me?”
“I’ve got a friendship lesson for you, Rainbow. Real friends are always with you, whether you win or lose. Your ego is not your friend. Why? ‘Cause when you lose, it abandons you. Goes right out the window. Your talent is your friend. No matter what happens, that’ll always be with you. Use your talent, forget about everything else, and you can win this race. Got it?”
“All right, Jay, I’ll think about it."
I give her a suspicious look.
"Hey, don't worry about me. I got this!" Rainbow says excitedly. "Now go find A.J. and coach her, okay? She's the one who really needs it."
I shrug. "All right, if that's what you want. Good luck."
"Thanks kid, but I won't need it. Hey, Fluttershy!” she flags down the other Pegasus, who kindly leads me to Applejack on the other side of the field. There’s a real buzz in the air out here. Dozens, maybe hundreds of ponies are talking all around us. One conversation really catches my ear:
“Okay, Bulk Biceps. This is the moment of truth. Are you ready to race?” asks a mare with a bright, energetic voice.
“YEAH!” a very loud stallion answers her.
“Are you ready to run hard enough to shake down every leaf within a five-mile radius of Ponyville?”
“YEEEEAAAAH!”
“Enough already, Lyra. You really think he needs a pep talk?” says another mare with a lower, stranger voice.
“Give us a minute, Bon Bon. Are you READY to carry me if I can’t run on two legs anymore?!”
“YEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHH!” the stallion roars, nearly busting our eardrums.
“I still think that’s a bad idea,” Bon Bon says disapprovingly. “You’re going to be sore for a week...”
Their voices fade as we pass them by. The more I hang around here, the more I understand how close this world really is to the human one. Obviously there are no humans, no bars, no football on TV or any TVs at all. But they sure use a lot of our ideas and inventions…or I thought they were ours. Did the ponies have 'em first? Maybe they're not separate at all and things from one world just spill over into another.
Damned if I know. I'm the kid who skipped philosophy class and threw around the old pigskin instead.
I snap out of it as Fluttershy sticks out a hoof and stops me. “Here we are. Um …Applejack?”
“…Darn high-falutin’ pony,” Applejack mutters. It sounds like she’s talking to herself, not us. “I know we’re friends and all, but sometimes…”
“Excuse me…Applejack…” Fluttershy says softly.
She still doesn’t notice us. “I got half a mind to keep her wings tied after this old race is over with. Spendin’ a little more time on the ground with the rest of us just might do her some good.”
“Yo! We’re here,” I yell out.
“Well, howdy, Jay and Fluttershy! Didn’t see you there. Hey, Big Mac! Granny Smith! Apple Bloom! Come on over here and meet our friend Jay.”
“Hmm?! Wha? Well, I’ll be jiggered if you’re not the cutest lil’ filly I ever saw!” rasps a very old-sounding mare. I hope that’s Granny.
“I already saw her at school,” Apple Bloom grumbles. “She thinks she’s a colt. And an alien.”
Big McIntosh just says “howdy.”
“Nice to meet you, ma’am. Foal. Big fella.” I nod to them in turn.
“I ain’t a foal!” Bloom yells. “I’m gonna get my cutie mark any day now, you’ll see!”
“No I won’t,” I grin, pointing to my eyes. “As far as I can see, you’ll always be a…what was it you said yesterday? A blank--"
“Now that’s enough of that, Jay,” Applejack warns, taking me aside. “You’re supposed to be older than her, for cryin’ out loud.”
I blush. She’s right; I guess I’m not myself today…or maybe the whole idea of “myself” is changing after a few days in a different body. Snowdrop’s voice doesn’t seem that strange coming out of my mouth anymore, my hearing and sense of touch seem sharper, and my wings are starting to itch--almost like I really want to use them.
I’m not sure how I feel about that.
“Now, it looks like the race is about to start. You got any last-minute pointers for me?” The farmpony is professional and mature, the kind of player I would want on my team. In fact, she will be when we take off for the forest tomorrow.
I clear my throat and try to get back into a coaching frame of mind. “First I’ve got a question for you, A.J. What do you want to accomplish here today?”
“I want to beat Rainbow and win that race, of course.”
I decide to throw her a curve ball. I look straight towards her and square my shoulders.
“Bollocks. No chance.”
She’s so shocked that it takes her a moment to answer. “’Scuse me? You saying I can’t do it? Well! I’ve heard some rude things in my day, but--”
“Listen. You’re talking about two different things, Applejack. Getting the last laugh on Dash, which you would really like to do…and actually winning the race, which you can do if you stop worrying about Dash. Which one is more important to you?”
“Well, I…” she hesitates. “I don’t rightly know, sugar. I never thought of it that way.”
“Well, now's the time. Remember: you can compete with Rainbow any day. The Running of the Leaves happens only once a year. That’s your last-minute pointer. Good luck.”
“Jay! Good thing I found you!” It’s Spike. “The Running starts any second. You wanna ride in the balloon with me and Pinkie?”
“What for? She can’t even see,” Apple Bloom says. All of the adults quickly scold her.
I’d better take the high road this time. “Don’t worry about it, guys. Besides, she’s right. Why take me of all ponies?”
“I’m doing the live commentary with Pinkie. That way you’ll know exactly what’s going on,” Spike pauses. “Please?”
I give in and follow him. Besides, I want to be at the finish line when the winner crosses.
We float over the race as it begins. Hundreds of hooves thunder over the countryside, and thousands of dry leaves fall crackling to the ground in their wake. Spike and Pinkie call every step of the action on microphones--really, Spike calls the action while Pinkie says whatever crazy thing comes into her mind. At least she doesn't sing.
It’s a battle between the pegasus’ speed and the earth pony’s endurance. Sometimes Dash is in the lead, sometimes A.J. Sometimes it's a pony I've never heard of; Thunder Lemon? Ditz Kicker? I can't keep all these names straight. Twilight Sparkle catches up with A.J. and Dash on the homestretch. Spike says she won fifth place in her first Running by saving energy for the end. Pinkie says she doesn’t think Rainbow Dash ever runs out of energy. I silently wonder if Applejack can pull it out. Maybe, if she took my advice to heart more than Rainbow did...
The first racers are nearing the finish line. I don’t have to see it; Pinkie and Spike paint a picture in my mind. Dash and A.J. can see Twilight running between them, but not each other. Not knowing which one might be ahead, they just throw everything they have into the rest of the run. They roar across the finish line, and it’s so close that we can’t even tell who won. But I hear Apple Bloom and Granny Smith cheering on the sideline as we lower the balloon, and then I know.
Spike takes me over to Dash.
“Jay. I…uh…” her voice is ragged from exhaustion, and she's too shocked to say very much.
“…Decided to give her a break, huh?” I interrupt with a wink.
A pause, and then she coughs out a laugh. “Yeah. Let’s just say that.”
“Because you never lose.”
“Glad we understand each other, kid.”
“So am I,” I smile, and before I can stop myself I'm stepping up and sort of leaning against her. She leans back. There it goes: 37 years of smoking, drinking macho cred down the drain, and I don't even mind. Damn you, Snowdrop.
Author's Note
I think I stretched this chapter out too far originally. I took out some unnecessary exposition so the story didn't get bogged down. Most of it stays the same, but I axed the Scootaloo bit because it derped up the ending. She might show up later, though.
JAY'S CIGARETTE COUNT: 10
View Online
...And It's Freaking Cold Up Here
IX: Let Us Never Speak of the Tutoring Again
7:00 pm
Drip.
"Okay. So, like, after the princesses beat Discord or whatever, Equestria got so big that the barter system didn't really cut it anymore. So this stallion Goldenmane, he like, invented bits and told everypony to use them instead, and they totally did..."
Drip.
"...And some ponies started to get rich, and that's why today there are totally cool and fabulous ponies like me and Diamond Tiara. But the economy was super lame at the beginning because the winters were so bad that they, like, shut down Equestria for half the year. So that's when this Snowdrop--you know, who you totally look like? That's when she came along..."
Drip.
"And wow, we're like on Chapter 5 already. Let's...HEY!"
I snap out of my half-asleep stupor. "Huh? I'm listening! Who are we talking about? Goldensnow?"
"Ewwww! Look at that!" Silver Spoon yells. "Ew ew ew! I can not believe you totally drooled on my desk! That's an antique!"
Only the millionth time I've heard that phrase tonight. "Geez. Is there one thing in your house that's not an antique?"
"I don't know, can you spend one night studying without falling asleep like ten times?! No wonder you're flunking."
"I'm not flunking! I told you, I wasn't even in school before this. And it's not my fault your stuck-up friend took forever to leave. We started an hour late because of her."
Just my luck that the best student in Cheerilee's class had to be this kid. She's rich, spoiled, whiny...and Diamond Tiara, who she clings to like plastic wrap, is worse. Listening to their babbling was about as fun as a root canal, but it did tell me something about them. A, their families are the two richest in Ponyville; B, they both think they're really something; C, most of Diamond's relatives live in "Manehattan" (again, how different is this world really?) while Silver came from old money in Canterlot; and D, their main hobby and field of study is making fun of the "blank flanks".
"If you could just, like, pay attention, we would be on cutie marks and Equestrian culture already." Silver snaps.
"If you'd stop throwing 'like' and 'whatever' into every sentence, maybe I wouldn't fall asleep! God, are you boring."
"I could always send you to the second best student in class," Silver says evilly. "She lisps."
I know when I'm beat.
"...Just try to teach me something without saying 'like', 'totally', and 'whatever'."
She scoffs. "Whatever."
8:16 pm
"Uuuuurgh! I can't believe we are still here!" Silver growls. "This is so simple! Cutie marks show what we're good at and stuff. They're connected to our destinies! What about that do you not understand?!"
"Oh, I don't know, try everything!" I shout back. "I can't see! What do I care if I've got a snowflake on my ass? And how can you have a name related to your talent before your parents even knew what your talent was? And do I have to call them cutie marks?"
"Yes. And I should know. Diamond and me are totally cutie mark experts 'cause we're, like, special. She's good at making money, I'm good at preserving valuable things...I mean, let's face it, it's all downhill from there..."
I yawn. She's getting boring again. Is this night ever going to end?
"Ewww! Face off the chair! It's an antique."
9:48 pm
"Saddle Arabia. Gee, that sounds...familiar," I yawn. "Look, how many more countries are there?"
"Stop that. You're making me..." Yawn. "...Yawn. And there's like 40."
"Oh, the hell with this. I can't even see the map..." I roll over and close my eyes.
"Ew," Silver protests sleepily. "Stop falling asleep on my map. It's an antique."
"You're falling asleep on it too. Spoonbutt."
11:09 pm
"Ugh. Here. Mmmphll..."
"Mmmmrgh. Mwut?"
"Cuffergh."
"What?"
"Coffee! To keep us awake, and...fufflemmmph."
I take one sip and nearly choke. "Whoa! Damn. This stuff could wake up Celestia."
She coughs, too. "Yeah. It's Mom's blend for when she's up late restoring things."
"We probably shouldn't drink too much of it." My hoof is already shaking. I try to steady the cup for another sip.
"Ewww! Don't spill that stuff on the rug! It's an antique!"
1:05 am
"Okay, Silver...I think you've had more than enough coffee, all right?" I laugh nervously and hold the pot away from her. "We really should get back to the, um, tutoring."
Silver cackles madly. "Blasphemy! Bitter sweetness, sweet bitterness, nectar of the goddesses! Give me more. MORE, I tell you! I have powers!!"
Clanging and rattling noises...did she just climb up on that antique canopy bed she was bragging about?
"Do not defy me! I look down upon you like a...a thing looks down upon a lower thing! And I can flyyyyyy!"
"Don't!"
"Wheeeee!"
Maybe it's the caffeine, maybe it's me and Snowdrop intertwining even more. But I launch myself into the air, catch her before she hits the floor, and hover.
Holy shit.
"Y-you saved me," she blubbers at me. "I love you."
"Ew," I say.
W:TF am
"HELP! HELP!" I shriek.
"B-but I'm scared!" Silver Spoon cries over the blood-curdling squeals of the tentacled abomination that just grew out of her bedroom floor and is slowly but surely pulling me into its hellish maw. "What if it gets me too?"
"It's drooling on your antique rug!"
"DIE!" Silver rages.
"EEEEUUUUUURRRRRRGGGGHHHHH..." the disgusting monster's gurgles of agony will forever echo in my ears, but I wriggle out of its weakening grasp and huddle trembling in the corner.
We sit petrified for a time, hearing nothing more than each other's labored breaths. The creature seems to be gone completely, and when I reach out with one trembling hoof, the floor is solid once again. It was never there.
"What did you do?" I say finally.
"I stabbed it with my dad's antique sword," she says dully. "No blood, even. That's strange."
"Maybe you shouldn't have used your mother's antique dark magic book to teach me hoofreading."
"Whatever! It's totally the only touch-read book in my room. What was I supposed to do, go all the way downstairs and find another one?! Like, as if."
Another pause.
"Let us never speak of the tutoring again," I say.
"Agreed."
"Let us pass the night by listening to music on your antique record player."
"Okay. You like death metal?"
?:?? ??
"You know, fake Snowdrop," Silver sighs blissfully. "Every year of my life, I grow more and more convinced that the wisest and the best should affix our attention on the good and the beautiful. If you’ll just take the time to look at it.”
"You're some pony, Spoonbutt," I lean back benignly in the chair. "But that made absolutely no sense."
Author's Note
No, you didn't really read this. Move along, nothing to see here.
Jay's Cigarette Count: 10
...And It's Freaking Cold Up Here
X: I'd Like to Be Eaten By a Tree...
"And, like, it wasn't bad enough that she and her obnoxious little friends shot spitballs all over my tail. Did you hear that weak excuse she gave Miss Cheerilee? 'Ah just couldn't help eht!' I mean, does that blank flank have any self-control at all?!"
"I know! She's such a foal. And now that her big sister's won the Running of the Leaves, you know we'll never hear the end of it."
I twitch and start to roll over. What’s going on? Where am I?
"Totally! Now they want to be 'Cutie Mark Crusader track runners'. Like, isn't that the lamest thing you've ever heard?"
"Lamest ever. I wish they would hurry up and get their cutie marks already."
Now I remember…it’s Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon. But Diamond wasn’t supposed to come back until morning, and…dear god. I’m lying in Silver’s bed. Was I here all night long?
Diamond snickers. "Fat chance, Sil. Even if they do, I bet all the good talents are already taken."
"I know. But maybe we just see it that way 'cause we're so totally special!”
"I know, right?!"
"No wonder we got our marks early."
"So true!"
"Totally!"
Then, in unison: "Bump, bump, sugar lump rump!" And a smacking noise.
...The hell? Never mind. I don't want to know.
"Except that making new bits might be, like, a little more important than sitting on old ones."
"I don't know, Diamond. If you can't take care of money and antiques from the past, how can you appreciate the money you make now? That's what my mom said the other day."
My head starts to hurt as they launch into a friendly debate about which kind of wealth is better. I couldn't make this stuff up. Finally I have to cut them off.
“What time is it?” I call out. I try to sit up, but I just get tangled in the heavy sheets. I hear a swish of fabric as the bed curtains are pulled open.
“It’s like eleven o’clock, you weirdo,” Diamond says derisively. “An all-night tutoring session?! Your grades must be awful.”
“She’s not really a regular student,” Silver giggles.
“No kidding. Regular students don’t go around trying to look like Snowdrop,” Diamond titters. “You stink, too. I’ll go run a bath.”
Failing to think of a reply that wouldn’t scar the little snot for life and hurt her friend’s feelings, I just stick my tongue out at her and wait for her hoofsteps to fade down the hallway.
“She’s gone, Faux-drop.”
“I know that, Spoonbutt. Didn’t Rainbow Dash come over to pick me up last night?”
“Yeah, but the servants told her to let you sleep. Now hold still. You’re totally messing up my antique bed.” She pulls the sheets off of me.
I slide gingerly off the mattress and onto the carpet. “Speaking of the tutoring, did all that stuff really…”
“Hey! Like, what did we say about that?”
“That we would never speak of it again,” I concede. I reach into my mane and give her my smokes. “Hold on to these until I’m done washing up, okay?”
“What do I look like, the help?”
I point to my eyes. “Of course not. I don’t know what you look like.”
Silver gasps. “I totally forgot! Like, you poor thing!”
“Hey, I’m not looking for sympathy just because I’m--”
“Everypony should be able to know what I look like! That's so not right. I guess I'll just have to tell you."
"You really don't have to--"
"Okay, so my coat is like silver, but I guess it's like gray too, or it's kind of like both, so you could totally call it silver-gray. My mane and tail are sorta like that too, except lighter, so they're not so much silver-gray as silver and gray, you know? And I wear my mane in like this totally cute braid that no other filly in town has because no other filly is as cool as I am except Diamond, and braids are like, not her style or whatever. My eyes are violet; I get that from my dad, and I wear these really cool glasses that are, like, blue, and they're modeled directly on...hey, where are you going? What about my necklace? And my house! I didn't tell you what my house looks like!"
"You know Rarity, you didn't have to come along," I say as we finally escape from the Silver family mansion. I don't really care, but I'm talking to distract myself from the chill. I swear the temperature has dropped 30 degrees from yesterday.
"I know, dear, but it's really no trouble at all."
"Rainbow Dash could have picked me up by herself," I turn and wink at the brash pegasus walking on my other side. "Or could you? Am I getting fat, Rainbow? Level with me."
Dash gives her usual raucous laugh. "Oh, I wouldn't say you're getting fat. It's more like...what does A.K. Yearling call it? Past tense."
"Jerk."
"Brat."
I turn my attention back to the fashion nut. "Anyway, what gives? Don't you have dresses to make?"
"A successful designer like myself must never get so wrapped up in her work that she fails to help a friend in need."
"Or shoot the breeze with wealthy clients? I know Spoonbutt's family is loaded."
"Oh, darling!" she tries to sound shocked. "Surely you wouldn't suspect me of such...such--"
"Business acumen?"
"Touche, dear," Rarity says grudgingly.
"Don't call me dear. Dash calling me 'kid' is bad enough."
Rarity pauses as if she's going to apologize, but then she giggles and lets out a wistful sigh. "Oh, Rainbow Dash. Isn't it simply adorable how dear little fillies long to be grown up?"
Another guffaw from Dash. "Oh, yeah. Kids, huh?"
"I'm 37, dammit!" I grumble. But I'm not really mad, because I know we're just playing--something Rarity wouldn't do with a real kid. Maybe she gets it, too.
We trot back across town to the library. Twilight throws the door open so hard that I feel the wind on my face.
“Jay! We had no idea you were going to take this long. What happened? I wanted to come over and help, but Spike promised me it wouldn’t be necessary.”
“Let’s just say I pulled an all-nighter,” I grumble, and slouch my way inside.
“What an interesting turn of phrase, Mr. Jay,” another voice announces grimly from the center of the library. “We thought We would need to pull an ‘all-dayer’.”
I freeze. Every meeting with Luna seems destined to be an “oh shit” moment.
“Princess Luna has been waiting for you here since she lowered the moon this morning,” Twilight explains delicately. “I had to explain to her that your education was very important to our success.”
“Sorry about the delay, your highness,” I say. “But Cheerilee and I had to make some last-minute arrangements for more studying. We found your notes a little bit hard to digest. Or should I say, digesteth?”
“Ah. Yes, well,” Luna coughs. She actually sounds guilty for a moment. “Under the circumstances, We see fit to pardon thee for making Us wait.”
“That’s what I thought.”
“But take not for granted the mercy of the Princess...of the Night!” she bellows loud enough to change my manestyle.
My voice is even meeker and squeakier than usual. "...Sure thing."
"Now then. Twilight Sparkle and her friends have undertaken this journey once before, when they defeated Us as Nightmare Moon. Our sister has allowed them to use the same magical weapons they discovered on that occasion: the Elements of Harmony. Are they secure, Twilight?"
"Yes, Your Highness!" Twilight chirps, and an aura strong enough to rattle my whole body resonates briefly through Golden Oak Library.
"Jesus," I mutter. "Isn't that a little extreme? It sounded like a pretty simple trip to me."
I cast a questioning look around the room, trying to figure out the sudden silence. Not even Rainbow says anything.
"Well, isn't it?"
"No, sugar, it's not," Applejack says firmly. "There's no such thing as a simple trip into the Everfree Forest. Not even when Granny Smith was a young'un, and it's done nothin' but get bigger since then. Ain't no fruit on those trees, at least not the kind anypony would want to eat. As for getting through 'em, well..."
"Let's just say there's no such thing as an accurate map of the Everfree Forest, either," Twilight chimes in. "I've tried to chart one on multiple occasions, but the roads seem to change every time no matter how careful I am! Maybe the rumors are true and it was cultivated by Discord a thousand years ago."
"Truly, it would not surprise me, Twilight," Luna agrees. I. No royal We and “eth” stuff for Twi and her friends, I notice.
I'm no expert, but I've learned enough about Discord that the thought of strolling into any place he had a hand (or claw, or paw) in makes me nervous. "Can't we just fly over it?"
"Um..." Finally Rainbow Dash says something. "No."
"Uh-uh." That's Fluttershy.
"Why not?!"
"Kid, I don't want any part of the other things that fly over that forest, and neither do you. The animals in there aren't the kind that nibble on carrots and hang out at Fluttershy's."
Fluttershy agrees. "That's true, but I think most of them are very misunderstood. If we just talk to them and convince them that we mean no harm..."
"...Then we can beat them in a pie-eating contest once and for all!" Pinkie interrupts with fierce determination. Everyone else stops, probably to stare at her. I settle for staring in her general direction.
"Um, I was going to say we can probably get through safely," Fluttershy finishes. "But that's okay, too...I guess."
I'm still not crazy about this plan. "Can we at least go around the Everfreak or whatever it's called? Or part of it? Seems like it would save a lot of trouble."
Luna is firm. "For us, perhaps. But not, I fear, for the other ponies in Equestria. T'would take most ponies a week to circumvent the Forest and approach the castle from the east or west. And those areas are still more perilous. Time is of the essence."
"You've all noticed how cold it is here just a day after the Running of the Leaves," Twilight adds. "Equestria's atmosphere is already becoming unstable."
I turn toward Rainbow.
"She's right, kid. The Weather Team can't keep up with it much longer. It's like we can't control the snow clouds anymore. For every one we get rid of, two more pop up."
"We fear that Starswirl's prophecy was correct, Mr. Jay," Luna concludes. "Art thou prepared for this journey?"
I feel them all looking at me. Gulp. I shuffle my hooves and try to put a brave face on. "Under the circumstances, I'm as ready as I'm gonna be. Let's get out there."
There's a loud thumping noise. Luna must have stamped the floor with excitement. "Very well, then! The journey begins! Depart for the Forest without delay. We shall rendezvous with thee at the appropriate time. The Princess of the Night...hath but a single task to perform first!!"
The windows rattle with the force of her voice. Thunder rumbles outside from her magical energy. Oh Lord, now what is she gonna do?!
"...Get some royal shut-eye."
Plop. Zzzzzzzz.
I roll my eyes. "I'm guessing leadership by example isn't a big thing here."
"We all need our beauty sleep," says Rarity. "She's had a long day. Or night, I suppose."
There's a general buzz of activity as the other six ponies make their final preparations. Twilight is gently lecturing Dash on the "right way" to pack a saddlebag. Pinkie is telling a half-listening Rarity that 'Snowdrop' sounds like a kind of candy. Fluttershy is asking Applejack to let her talk to any monsters we run into instead of lassoing them. I'm pacing back and forth, trying to focus on anything but the Everfree and Luna's snoring, when something sharp pokes me in the back.
"Ow!"
"Sorry. that was me. Can I talk to you for a second before you go?"
"Sure. What's up, Spike?"
"...Let's go over here, by the stairs."
I follow him slowly so I won't step on his tail. Not that it wouldn't be a fitting end to my stay; everything else has gone wrong.
"Twilight needs me to look after the library while you're gone, so, um...this might be it."
"Yeah, it might."
"I just wanted to say thanks. You know, for...everything."
I nudge him with my hoof. "Hey, you helped me out too. Don't mention it."
"Remember when I said I wished I were you? Well, it might sound crazy. But I still do."
I shake my head in disbelief. "Why?"
"Because you've got everything right in front of you," Spike continues quietly. "A chance to do something really important. You know when you have to do it, and you're going to have help. No fuss, no muss. In a few days you'll be done and back in your own world."
"I hope."
"With me? I'm not that lucky. Everything's complicated. I mean, yeah, I've got my whole life to grow a hundred strides tall and collect the most gems of any dragon in Equestria, but when am I gonna get there? I dunno. Do I want to get there?" I hear the tiny crunch of his claws on the wooden floor. "I don't even know if I want to leave Ponyville. Everyone is great here, Twilight most of all." He lets out his breath. I know what's coming next. "And...Rarity."
I nod. "But you'll have to leave someday, won't you? Before you get too...big?"
"Like I said. It's complicated. But, not for you. For you it's real simple. Just go out there and do what you have to do."
He grabs my hoof and shakes it awkwardly. Then he sort of wanders upstairs. I don't follow him. I'm thinking.
I hate to admit it, but maybe the kid is on to something. The only dream I ever had to was to go pro and play in a Super Bowl. It never came true, and I really didn't know what to do with myself after that. Without a goal, you have no direction. I wasn't surprised when Beth left me.
And now, due to Equestria's poor planning and my own lack of alternatives, I have a purpose again.
"I'm still gonna complain a lot, though!" I yell up the stairs.
I'm starting to understand something else. Weird magical powers and ridiculous optimism may have allowed the ponies to cobble their society together, but their world is still a dangerous place to live, and the distance between civilization and the wild can be a single step.
I don’t have to see the Forest to know I’m standing right at the edge. It feels different. I hear nothing in front of me; no birds singing, no bunnies scampering innocently through bushes. The air feels warm and heavy, even though the rest of Equestria is freaking cold. And I have an itchy feeling between my shoulders, like I’m being watched.
All of that is just a step away. One that my small but capable body just can't seem to take at the moment. This could be because I'm scared shitless--I mean, I'm willing to entertain the possibility--but I choose to believe I'm coming down with something.
I cough a few times. "Ugh. I mean it. I'm, uh, not feeling very well all of a sudden."
"Oh yeah, I've heard of that disease," Rainbow Dash nudges me playfully in the side. "I think it's called 'cold hooves'."
"You can do it! Hurry up, Snowpoke!" Pinkie calls out.
"Good one, Pinkie," I say stiffly.
“Thanks! No, wait—Slowdrop! That’s even better!”
“Pinkie Pie…” Twilight mildly scolds her.
Did somepony just giggle like a filly? I could’ve sworn I heard it. Whatever. I don’t care who it was. I take a deep breath and step forward. The unpleasant warmth of the Forest seems to swallow me. My senses are on high alert, ready to warn me of anything that even smells dangerous. But I’m in.
“There,” I gesture at the other ponies and shrug. “I did it.”
“Like a boss, kid,” Rainbow chuckles as they follow me in. But she leans down to mutter in my ear. “We’ll be right here, every step. Anything that wants to get to you will have to go through us. And one of us is me, so that’s not gonna happen.”
I nod. That actually makes me feel a lot better.
“I’m on your left. Pinkie’s on your right, Twi and Rarity are in front, and Fluttershy and A.J. are behind us. Let’s do it to it.”
We walk into the Everfree together. Rainbow nudges me once in a while so I stay on the path, but mostly I’m able to follow the sound of Twi and Rarity’s hooves. Twilight acts like a tour guide describing everything we pass by for my benefit: oddly shaped trees, creeping vines, and a plant called poison joke (“don’t ever step in it,” Rainbow warns me).
"Applejack?" Close behind us, Fluttershy seems almost annoyed. "Are you sure the cart is supposed to be this heavy?"
"I think so," A.J. doesn't sound tired at all. The cart holds most of our supplies, and two ponies have to pull it at once. They volunteered to go first. "We got all the extra apples out of it, too. See?"
There's a loud crash like she just kicked the cart, then a noise that sounds suspiciously like fifty or so apples thumping onto the ground.
Fluttershy's silence says it all.
Embarrassed A.J. is embarrassed. "Oops. Now what in tarnation...I told Apple Bloom to clear those out of the cart this mornin'!"
My ears twitch. I lean forward suspiciously. What's that noise?
"Everyone! Stop talking for a second."
"What's wrong?" Pinkie asks.
"I thought I heard something out there."
"Really? What was it?!" The party pony exclaims. "A manticore roaring? A fruit bat squealing? A cake baking?"
Twilight is skeptical. "Pinkie, how can you hear a cake baking?"
"That's easy, silly! It sounds kinda like this: pffffffffuuuuuhhhhhhh. Then it stops being a pffffffffuuuuuhhhhhhh and turns into kind of a fffffffsssssss. That's how I know when it's done! But it depends on the oven too. A cake that goes pffffffffuuuuuhhhhhhh and fffffffsssssss at Sugarcube Corner might go krrrrrrssssshhhhhh at Sweet Apple Acres!"
I let out a growl of frustration. "If you guys would let me concentrate for a moment, I'll tell you what the damn noise is!"
"Omigosh! Doesn't it just drive you crazy when ponies won't let you concentrate?" Pinkie babbles innocently. "Like one time I was trying to remember Mrs. Cake's recipe for blackberry tarts, but this one pony walked in and asked me if we sold oatmeal because it was his favorite dessert! And then I said--mmmmmf. Mmmmphhhlll! Mm-hm..."
"I've got her, Jay," Rainbow says.
"Thank you," I sigh and listen again.
The sound is still out there. It's like several shrill, squeaky tones all jabbering and cackling at once. I shudder to think what kind of monster that could be.
I point straight ahead. "I think it's over that way. Something really weird...maybe a voice?"
"We'll go take a look then, sugarcube," Applejack says reassuringly. "Hop up in the cart here behind the rest of us. I don't think we'll run into anything dangerous this close to the edge, but you never know."
The noise gets louder as we continue down the path. My heart starts to pound and I resist the urge to hide in the blankets covering our supplies. I hope Twi and Co. are good shots with those Elements of Harmony, because whatever it is sounds pretty nasty.
"There's a small clearing up ahead," Twilight whispers back. "We're almost there."
Beneath the ungodly din, I hear a clicking noise slightly to my left. I realize it's Applejack's teeth chattering.
We're almost on top of it. I stare blankly ahead, part of me wishing I could see and the other part grateful that I can't.
"Blablabla yaddayaddayaddayousaid buhbuhbuhneveryoumindwhatIsaid durdurdurnoshe'sright blablablacutiemarks..."
"Three...two...one..." Twilight counts down. "Now!"
A rush of hooves and a rattling from the cart's wheels as we jump out into the clearing.
"All right, whatever you are! Show yourself!"
A pause, and then...
"Twilight!!!" The one voice separates into three familiar, but no less scary, ones. "...Applejack." … "Rarity?!" … "R-Rainbow Dash!"
"My bad," I groan. "It's not a dangerous lunatic. It's just a three-headed monster."
I could swear I feel something twitch next to me as the cart lurches to a stop. Must be more apples under those blankets.
"Sweetie Belle!" Rarity cries. "What on earth are you and your friends doing out here?"
"And...what are you doing to that tree?" Dash sounds like she's about to burst out laughing.
"We're huggin' it, of course!" Apple Bloom cries, as though it makes all the sense in the world.
"Um...why?"
"Cutie Mark Crusader tree huggers, hooray!" the foals shout in unison.
“NOT in the Everfree Forest,” A.J. says firmly.
“But big sis, we already tried the trees at home!” … “We didn’t get our cutie marks, though. Maybe they’re broken or something.” … “So now we’re trying other trees!”
The farmpony is in no-bullshit mode. “I don’t want to hear it, Apple Bloom. We’ve got an important job to do out here and we can’t have you and your friends gallivantin’ around and yellin’ about cutie marks.”
Rarity agrees. “Applejack is quite right, Sweetie. I know how important your cutie mark is to you, but this is simply no place for children! Now let go of that awful tree and go home at once.”
“I’ll take them,” Fluttershy offers. “Come on, girls. There’s no telling when the weather might turn bad. Maybe you can get your cutie marks in safety instead.”
“But that’s so boring,” Scootaloo groans. She seems to notice me. “Hey! You’re that weird filly we keep seeing around Ponyville. Why are you hanging out with Rainbow Dash so much anyway?!”
“I’m her long-lost little sister, what does it look like?” I snap, climbing out of the cart and walking up to them. “Now leave us alone to celebrate our reunion.”
Scootaloo flips out. “What?! No way! I wanted to be her little sister! That’s so not fair. You can’t even watch her do tricks! Rainbow Dash, it’s not true, is it?! Rainbow Dash!”
“Go ahead, Dash. Tell her all about it.”
“RRRRRROOOOOO-AAAAAAWWWWWGGGGGGHHHHRRR.”
“Well put. By the way, you need a lozenge or something?”
Rainbow taps me on the shoulder from the opposite direction. “Um…Jay? That wasn’t me.”
Another bizarre howl drifts through the air. It hurts my ears and reverberates through my whole body, down to my hooves and into the ground. Or is it coming from the earth itself?
A chill runs down my back. “Well, whichever one of you is doing that, you can stop now.”
I hear a noise like a thousand old twigs snapping at once. Kind of like what a tree would sound like if it could growl.
“Jay…” Fluttershy sounds terrified. “The tree is…it’s turning into a…”
“A...giant...TIMBER WOLF!” Rainbow Dash yelps.
I force a laugh. “Oh. Timber wolf, I get it. 'Cause it sounds like a tree. Very funny. But seriously, can we get moving here?”
Even Applejack sounds afraid now. “Apple Bloom! Sweetie! Scootaloo! Don't move!”
The fillies start screaming amidst the creaking and cracking of old wood. Hot, stinking breath ruffles my mane. I turn around slowly, not that it makes much difference.
Damn environmentalists. Somehow, this is all their fault.
Author's Note
Hooray, this story's still alive! But how much longer will Jay be?
Jay's Cigarette Count: 10
Chance of Jay Being Killed Before He Finishes the Pack: Likely
...And It's Freaking Cold Up Here
"So let me get this straight," I call back to the other ponies. "We're freaking out over a pile of firewood?"
"RRRRRAAAAARRRRRKKKKK!" The timber wolf crackles furiously.
I hold up a hoof. "Do you mind? I'm trying to figure something out here."
"Jay, get back! They may be made of wood, but they're some of the most dangerous creatures in the Forest!" Twilight yells at me.
"Chill out. I got this," I turn back to the arboreal menace standing before me. "So, Mr. Timber Wolf. You're going to kill me now, right?"
"KRRRRRRKKKKKKK!!"
"I thought so. Okay, whatever you gotta do. But...you wouldn't kill a man without letting him have one last cigarette, would you?"
"...GRRRRAAAAAHHHHKKKKK?" It sounds puzzled.
"Thanks. Twilight, do me a solid and get a heat vision spell ready. Or something like it," I try to suppress a wicked smile. Sure I'll be exposing my habit, but on the plus side I can make myself useful and bring this encounter to a warm and toasty conclusion.
I feel around in my mane for the pack of cigarettes. And feel. And feel some more.
"Uh, just a sec, wolfie. Technical difficulties." Oh no. Oh HELL no. My smokes don't seem to be anywhere. Where could they have...
Silver Spoon. I forgot to get them back from her this morning!
Silently cursing myself for my stupidity, I turn back to the wolf and feel twigs brushing my coat. It's standing right over me. "Say, how's tomorrow for you?"
An angry growl with more bad breath in my face. I'm guessing that's a negative.
"Look out!" Twilight cries.
Buzz. SIZZLE. Plop. Four plops, actually. Judging by the whining, I'd say the other three were Apple Bloom plus Sweaty Bill and Cindy Lou Who or whatever the others' names are. Twilight just teleported all of us away from the timber wolf at once.
Damn, she's powerful.
Fighting down nausea from the spell, I crawl out of the pile of petrified ponies and call out to Rainbow. "Dash! What's happening?!"
"Sit tight, Jay. We've got it all under control. YAAAAA...!" She launches herself so hard at the wolf that it blows me off my hooves again. "...AAAAAAAAAHHHH!" And comes flying back the other way, hitting the ground next to me.
"Dash?"
"Ugggggh."
Another pony is knocked into our vicinity. I recognize the cry as Applejack's voice. "A.J.? You okay? Come on, champ. Speak to me."
She coughs. "Gosh darn it all, that hurt. He's a big one, Jay. I'm seein' three of him out there."
"Then buck the one in the middle!"
"...Right," she pulls herself up and gallops back into the fray. Rainbow Dash isn't far behind her.
"They're gonna get hurt if we don't do somethin'!" exclaims Apple Bloom.
Yeah, but what the hell can I do?
"Girls, get ready. We may have to use the Elements!" I hear Twilight say. Oh, man. There goes my breakfast for sure.
Fluttershy interrupts. "Wait. Let me talk to him! Excuse me, Mr. Timber Wolf. I'm so sorry to disturb you, but...do you think you could stop trying to kill my friends?"
"RAWWWW-ROOOOOO!"
"I see. So it's only one of you that's angry and the other three are just going along? Well, I'm sure we can talk about it..." Another crackling noise. "Oh, my. Um, please...you're hurting me..."
Pinkie Pie is angry for once. Furious, even. "You put her down right now! Nopony bullies Fluttershy. And nowolfie, either!"
I'm on the verge of panic when a massive rumbling, clattering noise breaks out behind me. It's sort of like the timber wolf, but not.
"What is that?!" I ask aloud, hoping at least one of the foals will answer.
The squeaky one does. "Huh? Oh, it's Applejack's 4-wheeled cart."
"What's it doing?"
"Rolling right at us."
"AAAAAAAHHHHHH!" we scream as all four of us are lifted into the air and swept right into the back of the heavy cart. I feel a weird sensation dancing along the flesh under my coat, not like the pins-and-needles tingle of Twilight’s magic but sure as hell close enough. I have no time to think about it as the thing careens out of control straight into the clearing, building up what feels like a crazy amount of speed. All I can do is shout a warning to Twilight and her friends, then drop down and brace myself for impact.
The cart slams into the monster with a crack that jars my bones and echoes through the Everfree. Seconds later, dozens of sticks and branches come down like rain, threatening to bury the four of us huddled in the cart. I stay facedown, hooves over my head until it’s finally quiet again and Fluttershy says, “you can come out now, girls. And, um, Jay.”
"Goddamn,” I’m half covered in wood, but I manage to shrug it off and rise on shaky legs. “What just happened?”
“Are you kidding? You happened!” Rainbow Dash says from the other side. “You made kindling out of him. Totally awesome!”
I yelp as she grabs me and does a triumphant spiral in the air.
“I don’t believe it,” Twilight remarks. “How did you ever get the cart to go that fast?”
“Don’t look at me!” I test the ground underneath me as Dash sets me down again. “Somepony magicked it. Unless I just grew one of those weird horns…ugh. My head sure hurts bad enough.”
A grubby hoof paws at my face, making me flinch. “Nope. No horn,” Sweetie Belle says expertly.
“Gee, thanks.”
Applejack shuffles around the back of the cart, probably examining the wheels. "Well, I'll be. The ol' thing's never done that before. Not on level ground, anyway."
Somepony clears their throat delicately. “Er, darlings, I don’t quite believe it myself, but…I’m afraid I am the guilty party.”
“What are you talking about, Rarity? How could you ever feel guilty at a party?! Well, unless you ate way way WAY too many cupcakes. Did you? You can tell me.”
“She doesn’t mean that, Pinkie,” Twilight, as usual, saves the discussion from going completely off topic. “She means she moved the cart with her magic! But…Rarity, I had no idea you were that strong.”
Rarity seems genuinely surprised; no witty banter or false modesty this time. “Oh, Twilight, it really was nothing. I have been known to move more than a spool of thread now and again, and…well, all I could think of was protecting dear Sweetie Belle and the others. I got lucky, I suppose.”
“A surge of magical energy like that is more than just luck! Are you sure you haven’t been studying focal discipline? Unikinetics? Limbic channeling?!”
“Darling, I haven’t the foggiest idea what any of those things are.”
“Give me something. Anything! For science!” Twilight shouts. Oh, boy. Here we go again.
Rarity is unruffled. “I do apologize, Twilight, but the variables of fabulosity simply cannot be measured.”
“Kinda like my Pinkie Sense!” Pinkie chimes in. What the heck is that?
“And like the animals and I just seem to understand each other…”
“And like I can fly fast enough to break the sound barrier!”
“And like our apples just taste better when we plow our fields natural. With no magic,” Applejack sounds a bit reproachful, like she’s remembering something in particular.
Is it my turn now? “And like…uh…I’m a possibly dead human in the body of an absolutely dead pony, whose dream self tells him he has to make magic snowballs and shit.”
“Snowflakes,” Twilight corrects me halfheartedly, but a heavy silence falls over the group as the wind starts to pick up. The cutie mark demons start whining again about how bored they are. Fluttershy and A.J. are the only ones who can keep them in line, so they volunteer to take the brats home again. I hope they meet up with us again, soon.
We continue south through the Forest as afternoon slides into evening. Nopony has to tell me that; in a place like this you can feel it coming. It’s been rough going in the daytime--the timber wolf, a path that refuses to stay straight and appears different when they look back at it, and of course trees and branches everywhere (Twilight magicked aside an errant branch that swung back and clouted me right in the face; it took Rarity fifteen minutes to get all the twigs out of my mane). I can only imagine how gnarly it gets after sundown. Dash insists on telling me every scary story she can think of about the place as she and Pinkie pull the cart. It’s too bad I can’t volunteer for night watch, because I doubt I’ll get any sleep.
Leafless trees rattle in the wind on either side of us, as if even they are shivering. Pinkie says the clouds are swirling like whipped frosting. Rainbow says they won’t be dropping sugar and we better get a move on before the Everfree turns into the Everfreeze. Amen.
“Okay,” Twilight finally says. She sounds ragged. “It’s almost dark. We’ll camp here.”
No one objects. I’ve been riding in the cart since the branch incident, so I think it’s only fair to do my part and start handing (hoofing?) down supplies.
Dash stops me. “Relax, kid. We’re all sleeping in there tonight. If you want to help, lay out the blankets. We’ll need those for sure.”
I oblige. The blankets are along the left side of the cart. Finding them is easy; unfolding them just takes a little longer, that’s all.
No, seriously, I’m fine.
I’ve got it under control, dammit! They’re just really…big. Go away. Take a coffee break or something. I’ll…oof…get ‘em sooner or later.
“Shall we lend a hoof?” Rarity asks cautiously.
“No!” I yell, despite the fact that I’ve become trapped in a suffocating blob of blankets. A man’s got his pride.
Pinkie Pie bounces noisily up to the cart. “La la la la la…oh no! BLANKET MONSTER!”
“It’s just Jay, Pinkie,” Dash sighs.
Eventually I manage to free the top half of my body from the quilted quagmire, and use my wings to propel myself the rest of the way. But I don’t know how to stop, so I burst out and accidentally headbutt Pinkie Pie in the chest. We both tumble out of the cart in a heap.
I stutter out a red-faced apology but Pinkie, being Pinkie, doesn’t seem hurt at all. She just laughs. “Oh wow! Super hugs are my favorites! I haven’t had one of those in a while.”
“Glad I could help,” I drag myself wearily back in, trying not to think about how bad I want a smoke right now.
We pass around some of the leftover apples. It’s my first time having one straight from the Acres. I’m not exactly an apple connoisseur, but it’s got to be one of the best I’ve ever tasted; warm, juicy, and melts in my mouth like candy. Before I know it I’m scarfing bites as loudly as Pinkie.
I find myself thinking of my family as we eat. It seems like the ponies who remind me most of them are the ones I get along with best. Dash is a lot like my little brothers, not to mention a bunch of players I’ve coached over the years: straightforward, outgoing, and loves to compete. A.J. is kind of like my parents, my mom in particular. She didn't farm or have a country accent, but she was tough and she never stopped working. Rarity reminds me of my sister. We were one of the most sports-crazy families in our hometown, but she was determined to go her own way and she did: clothes, makeup, the works. Twilight and Fluttershy are more like kids I went to school with but never knew well, and no human I ever met was like Pinkie.
Still, they’re all good ponies. If any of them got hurt on my account, I’d take it pretty hard.
“So Rarity,” I say when I’m finished. “That was really your magic back there, huh?”
“Yes, I’m afraid so.”
“I knew it felt different from Twilight’s. For one thing, it didn’t make me toss my cookies all over the Everfree Forest.”
Rarity giggles bashfully. “Well, being a fashion designer does require a more…delicate touch.”
“I bet it didn’t feel delicate to the timber wolf.”
We both laugh.
“At least he'll be able to put himself back together eventually,” Twilight says. "Even if it's as four smaller wolves."
“What?!” I feel a chill.
“Oh, yes. Their regenerative powers are just one of the wonders of the Everfree! I’ve always wanted to study them…but this really isn’t the time.”
Rainbow laughs. "Don't worry about it, Jay. Those things can’t track us this far. Besides, the timber wolves are kind of a fall thing, and...well, we’re having a pretty short one this year, doncha think?”
“Thanks, Dash.”
“Besides, remember what I told you? There’s WAY worse things lurking around in here than the timber wolves!”
“No thanks, Dash.”
“Yeah!” Pinkie says casually. “Like that horrible ugly evil blue mist that’s floating over our heads right now! Ooo, Jay, I think it likes you the best!”
I can’t tell if she’s joking or not, but I flinch and dive under my blanket. "G'night."
Weird magic noises happen, leading to a super-loud pop of displaced air. I think we’re about to find out what the mist is…
“Indeed, it shall be a good night, despite this unseasonable cold!" a regal voice blares from above the cart. "And who would know better than We, the Princess of the--”
I choose this moment to yawn at the top of my voice. Total coincidence, of course.
“…Night,” Luna says frostily. “It appears that most of you are pleased to see me. No doubt you shall also be pleased to see your friends, who quite literally ran into me on the way.”
“Howdy!” Applejack’s hooves sound like a mini-stampede as she runs up to us.
“Hello again,” Fluttershy’s hooves barely make any sound at all.
Everyone jumps out of the cart to greet them, including me.
"Good to see you guys again," I say.
Did I just...Christ. Oh, well. At least nopony mentions the irony.
“With Our help, naturally their safe return to the Forest was assured,” Luna seems almost insulted.
She drops the royal We when she’s talking to Twilight or her friends, but not me. As if to say, I don’t look at you the same as the other ponies and I won’t bother to hide it. It bugs me. Is it because I’m in Snowdrop’s body or does she not like my attitude? I should ask her sometime.
I zoned out from the conversation for a few minutes there, so I only catch the tail (har) end of what Luna is telling the others.
“…And so I was victorious in the battle with the dastardly alarm clock. However, there was no time to celebrate this triumph, or even to make the night, and still meet with you by sundown as I promised. Therefore, you all shall witness what very few ponies have witnessed: the Princess of the Night shall now raise the moon...with an audience.”
“Your Highness! You really mean it?”
“No way!”
“Well, if don’t that beat all…”
I open my mouth to say something, but the words get stuck in my throat as I realize it doesn’t matter. No matter how spectacular something like that might be, I won’t see it.
Curiosity grows, ripens, and rots into envy as Luna begins and I listen to the “oohs” and “ahhs” from the other six. Maybe if I’d always been this way, it wouldn’t bother me. But knowing the gift of sight before I got here, and having to sit through this with a real idea of what I’m missing…
This is such bullshit.
“A.J.? What’s going on?” I walk impatiently behind them, trying and failing to get a description from sompeony. “Dash? What’s she doing?!”
They’re all too distracted to answer. I struggle to paint a mental picture with the intense magical buzz Luna is giving off, but it’s not working and eventually I give up. Shuffling back to the cart with a burn in my gut, I burrow under one of the blankets and wait for exhaustion to overcome disappointment.
I know they're not doing this to me on purpose. Luna's as tactless as I am in her own way, but in this case I think she's just enjoying the attention, and the other ponies are starstruck.
Sight isn’t the only thing I want, at any rate. A wicked, nagging hunger is beginning to gnaw at me from the inside. I feel like having another apple, but I don’t want another apple, because I’m not hungry for an apple. What I’m actually hungry for is a goddamn cigarette. And with my cigarettes back at Silver’s place, as I soon remember after feeling around frantically in my mane, I choose to eat another apple. Goddamn it.
“One smoke,” I whisper over and over between bites, flinching from the ponies’ exclamations of wonder as they continue watching Luna screw around with the moon. She could be eating a moon pie and it wouldn’t make any difference to me. “All I need is one freaking cigarette.”
It’s been a long day, and sleep comes much sooner than I expected.
Back on Earth, I had normal dreams. Dreams about football, or my marriage, or Maria Sharapova.
In Equestria, normal dreams don't seem to exist. They all have some deeper meaning, or worse, they are dictated by an extremely nosy dark blue pony princess. Kind of like this one.
"What is it this time?" I demand, somehow not really caring that I'm back in my human body and can see again. Dream logic, I guess.
"Such is hardly the proper way to greet royalty, Mr. Jay," Luna replies, but she sounds more amused than offended.
I cross my arms. "Well, I'm royally ticked off right now. Is this about Snowdrop?"
"In a way, yes."
"You talked to her?!"
"No," Luna frowns. "We have attempted to find her again in the dream realm, but without success. Her spirit is most likely resting, gathering strength so that she may help thee at the Castle."
"Oh," my shoulders sag.
"We have entered thy dream to apologize, Mr. Jay," the Princess looks up. "We did not forget thee."
We're standing in a forest clearing, similar to how I imagined the Everfree. It has the same unreal, cartoonish look of my last dream with Luna...but it is real. The trees reach out for the sky with their branches, as if to worship the golden disc that is Celestia's waning sun.
As it sinks neatly below the horizon, a magical aura begins to surround Luna. It starts at her horn, spreads to her eyes and then radiates from her entire body. From this distance it's close enough to rattle my bones, if I have any in the dream world. In place of the sun, a brilliant white moon rises majestically from behind the trees, far larger and brighter than any I have seen on Earth.
Luna controls it with such grace that it seems like a part of her, and yet it's as imposing and inevitable as any natural force. It's many miles away, but it feels like I could reach out and touch it. As its light bathes the woods in a silvery glow, stars appear like tiny candles being lit one after another.
It's more beautiful than I could have imagined.
"We sensed jealousy in thy heart," Luna is still right in front of me, yet her voice seems to be everywhere. "It was the same darkness that was Our undoing one thousand years ago. Take care that it does not poison thee as well, and remember why thou art here."
She gestures down at my feet where the light seems to shine brightest. I look, and see flowers growing where there were none before.
Snowdrops. Beth's favorite.
Author's Note
I thought it was time for Luna to do something nice for Jay. He may be down all ten cigarettes, but on the bright side, he's up one unforgettable experience.
Jay's Cigarette Count: Zero?
...And It's Freaking Cold Up Here
As if there weren't enough damn things to interrupt a man's sleep in this world...something keeps bumping into me during the night. Apples? A salt lick? Horseshoes? No idea. I even dreamed that something warm was on top of me, smothering me until I belted it with a hoof and it said "ow." At least I hope that part was a dream.
Morning brings more headaches, and not just in the literal sense.
Word from Ponyville, courtesy of Luna, is that the temperature there dropped another twenty degrees and snow is already falling. It’s a frigid winter morning in what should be mid-autumn. So far it's nothing I didn't see in Minnesota, but ponies will be in real trouble if things get worse and the Weather Team says they will.
Even the balmy Everfree is chilly today. The place produces its own screwy wildlife and weather patterns, but it’s still being affected by the unstable atmosphere. We’ve seen so few signs of life since the timber wolf attack, Fluttershy thinks the monsters are spooked.
And then there's the trees. We were able to pick our way through them before, but now...well, I'll let Twilight say that part.
“These trees have drawn so close together that we’ll never get through them,” Twilight declares after several failed attempts to forge a path with her magic. “It’s like the Forest itself is going into hibernation!”
Luna’s voice is grim. “That may not be far from the truth, Twilight Sparkle. I haven't seen the like of this since the ‘old’ winters.”
I bite my lip. “You mean…”
“Yes. Before Snowdrop’s time.”
“It’s my fault,” I mutter, wincing from my headache. “I could have left a whole day earlier, and now look. We can’t even GET to the Castle.”
Dash nudges me. “Don’t sweat it, kid. You did what you could.”
“Quite,” the Princess agrees firmly. “Cast off this guilt, Mr. Jay. Given the circumstances of thy arrival in Equestria…there is little more anypony could have done.”
Her regal aura is compromised only slightly by a massive yawn. Twilight told me she stood watch all night, when she wasn’t scarfing down jelly doughnuts.
“Um…except, the real Snowdrop could have done something, right?” Pinkie speaks up from behind me. Bingo!
“Perhaps my old friend had no choice. I have attempted to find her again in the dream realm without success. Still, do not lose heart; there is always another way. If we cannot reach the ruins by land, we shall reach them by water instead!”
Dash is less than thrilled to hear this. “You mean we’re gonna go all the way around through Froggy Bottom Bog?!”
“And then up the cliffs?” A.J. adds.
“’Tis unfortunate, but necessary, young ponies. Even Celestia and I do not command the Everfree. I must take my rest now, but worry not; I will wake when my sister lowers the sun.”
She collapses in the back of our cart with a loud creak.
Nopony’s thrilled about the alternate route, but we quickly prepare to head out. I don’t complain. Hell, I would stop by Tartarus if they sold smokes there. I ate three more apples at breakfast and I’m tempted to have another, but I settle for lying down in the cart and trying to think about things that aren't cigarettes.
“Oh no. Oh dear!” Rarity gasps as I’m moving my sleeping bag as far from the snoring princess as I can.
“What’s wrong? I'm trying to relax here.” I growl.
“Jay, I don’t believe it! This is the worst…possible…THING!”
She sounds horrified. I stand up quickly. “What?! You forget your makeup or something?”
“I completely forgot to give you your present before we left! I know it’s somewhere in this cart…"
I stand there awkwardly as she starts rummaging through every bag in here. That’s the emergency? If she wants to give me something, I’d settle for peace and quiet. I step aside to give her more room and hear a squeak underneath me. Probably just the cart shifting under our weight.
“Ah-ha! Here it is!” she announces grandly.
“Um…here is what?”
Rarity coughs with embarrassment. “Oh. I beg your pardon, dear. It’s a winter cloak! Just like the one Snowdrop used to wear. I followed Princess Luna’s specifications to the letter, including the…ugh…color.”
“…Luna?”
“Oh, yes. It was her idea, you know. Do you like it?”
She lays the cloak across my back and fastens the collar with thick strings. Simple as it is, it feels comfortable and well-made.
“It’ll do,” I swallow. “Thanks.”
Rarity pecks me on the cheek and hurries to join Twilight in front of the cart.
Soon we're on our way again, but in a different direction this time. I feel gravity pulling at us a little more, so we must be heading down a long slope. The trees are a lot thinner where we're going; yesterday we took a dozen twists and turns to get around them, and today we're going mostly straight.
I sit down, feeling much warmer in my new cloak, and turn in the direction of a slumbering Luna. I still can't figure out what this pony's deal is. One day she's pulling pranks and making my life hell, the next day she's playing nice. Is it the whole "alien intruder" thing that's bothering her, or some kind of unfinished business with the real Snowdrop? Sure, I'm the closest thing to Snowdrop that she has right now, but maybe she doesn't mind this Jay guy being around either.
I shrug my shoulders under the cloak and lay down among the supply bags. I drift in and out of consciousness for a while; one minute I hear Twilight's instructions to the other ponies, the next I hear Jarvez calling signals out on the field. Weird comparison. Jarv's a lousy student of everything but the game. He can't remember a thing he reads from his textbooks, but he knows the offensive playbook by heart.
Damn, I wish I was back there coaching again.
When I've rested long enough, I sit up and throw back my head in a deep yawn. Unfortunately, yawning requires breathing. Breathing requires sniffing the air. And as I find out, sniffing the air requires a gas mask or a really strong stomach. It's god-freaking-awful.
I guess Applejack hears me choking, because she calls back to me from the front of the cart. "You holdin' up all right there, Jay?"
"I'm holding back my breakfast," I gulp. "What the hell is that?"
"Ain't no swamp gas like Froggy Bottom swamp gas. Hoooo-ee! That'll wake a pony up in the mornin'."
"Smells like the bottom of something, that's for sure. Hey Twilight, any chance you can make my nose disappear?"
The magician is coughing a fair bit herself. "There might be something I can do, but I have to save my energy. At least until we get deeper in."
The air out here feels thick and wet, like a sauna with no heat, and that really doesn't help. I've lost my appetite, but I figure I should still drink some water. I grope around in a bag until I find a canteen. Pulling the cork out with my teeth, I raise it to my muzzle.
A very small vibration comes up through the cart and into my hooves. A few drops of water spill out of the canteen. I frown as I take my drink. What was that all about?
The other ponies don't seem to notice it; they're still talking among themselves. Rarity sounds as grossed out as she can be without losing her composure. "Fluttershy, was it truly this bad the last time we visited?"
Fluttershy sniffs the air curiously. It's like the smell doesn't even get to her. I guess it wouldn't after living with all those animals. "You mean, when you all came to check on me and we ran into that hydra? Now that you mention it..."
"Time out," I interrupt. "Did somepony say hydra?"
"I'm sure the smell is stronger now," Rarity continues, too deep in thought to answer me. "What could that mean?"
"Probably nothing good," growls Rainbow Dash.
Another sudden vibration, and this one is stronger. The canteen jumps in my hooves. "Guys, this is very interesting, but do you want to fill me in on that hydra thing?"
"Cheer up, everypony! No icky-sicky smell is gonna stop us from getting Jaydrop to the castle!" Pinkie Pie declares.
"You got that right," A.J. agrees.
A third impact reverberates all around us. I nearly drop the canteen and scramble to put the cork back in. Can't anyone else feel that?
"DASH! Monster! Nine heads! Explain!"
"Huh? Oh, the hydra? It's got only four heads, but yeah, that thing comes trampling through here every once in a while. It almost got us the first time we ran into it. Especially you, right Twi?"
"Yes," Twilight pauses, as if trying to remember the details. "If I recall correctly, it chased us all the way to the edge of a cliff. Fortunately, Pinkie Pie encouraged me to take a leap of faith, and we got away safe and sound! And to think I spent all that time doubting her Pinkie Sense."
"That's okay, Twilight! I d-d-d-doooooon't b-b-b-b-blaaaaaaame y-y-y-y-yoooooou..."
"Whoa, Pinks, what's wrong with you?" Rainbow Dash sounds a little concerned.
"I dunno! All of a sudden I'm getting the shudders-s-s-s-s-s-s again..."
Even Twilight is beginning to sound scared. "That means something big is about to happen, right?!"
"Oh, yeah! A d-d-d-d-dooooooozy!"
I cringe as a very long, low growl rumbles across the edge of the bog. "Um, guys...just out of curiosity, did this hydra happen to sound like a hundred junkyard dogs? And stink even worse?"
"It sure d-d-d-d-did," Pinkie shudders again. "Why?"
Tree branches splinter and break all around us as the ground trembles violently.
"Oh, I dunno. Just wondering," I dive toward the side of the cart and start shaking Luna as hard as I can. "Um, Princess...I think we're gonna need your help here."
She giggles and mumbles in her sleep. "What a tall, dark, mysterious male alicorn thou art...what? Thou desires to court Us? But We hardly know thee..."
The ponies gasp and scream as more branches snap and the tremors come right up to the cart.
"I don't believe it! What's that thing doing this far from the swamp?" Twilight cries out.
"Maybe the mud got too cold for it to live in," Fluttershy squeaks in terror.
I bend down and scream in Luna's ear. "Hey, PRINCESS LOONY! Wakey-wakey!"
"GRRRRRRRRRRRR."
I look up helplessly. I can feel the hydra looming over us now--way bigger than even the giant timber wolf, and way more dangerous. Its growls come from four directions at once; fitting, since it's got four heads. I am left with two options. Number one, stay in the apple cart and get killed; number two, try to escape by flying blind into the air and then get killed.
Luna finally wakes up and makes the decision for me. "Jay! Do not move!"
"Okay. Nice knowing ya."
A strong bolt of magic whizzes right by me and the hydra roars in pain. A moment later the cart veers to the right and takes off at breakneck speed. I hear Twilight and her friends galloping along behind us, and the heavy footsteps of the hydra in hot pursuit.
"Princess, it's too fast! We can't outrun it forever!" Twilight calls after us.
"True. Twilight! The moment we enter the swamp, teleport yourself and your friends out of harm's way! I shall attend to this matter!" Luna orders them. "Jay, please stay back. I shall attempt to lure the monster into the swamp and strike it down."
I blink in surprise. For once, she didn't use the royal 'We'.
The cart splashes into muddy water. It gets thicker and messier as we go on. Next stop: Froggy Bottom Bog,
Twilight's voice rings out behind me. "Okay, everypony! Here goes!"
With a skin-crawling POP , Twi and her friends are suddenly nowhere to be heard. I guess they just teleported, because the hydra stops and growls in bewilderment. Then, as if reacting to the only target it can still see, it roars. Those heavy footsteps are heading straight for us now.
"I go to engage the enemy. Stay down and you shall be quite safe," Luna assures me, and even as she flies off I feel her magic surrounding the cart--taking me a safe distance away, I hope.
I'm shaking with fear and excitement as I stumble towards the back. That's when I trip over one of the bags and fall hard on the wooden boards.
"Ow," I groan.
"Owww!" something agrees.
I freeze. "Who the hell is that? Luna? This is no time for one of your pranks!"
The pony groans. I hear shuffling noises as she pulls herself to her hooves. "Hel-LO! Wake up, fake Snowdrop. It's me ."
Silver Spoon?!
"You!" My eyes must be bugging out right now. "How the holy hell did you get here?"
"It was, like, totally easy. I sneaked into the cart before you left Ponyville and hid in one of these dirty sacks. Eww."
So she's the thing that was sleeping on me last night! "Jesus! You've been stowing away this whole time? What did you do that for, you crazy Spoonbutt?!"
"Like, duhhhh! Because I never got the chance to tell you what my house looks like! Now that you're all alone I can finally do it," She takes a deep breath and launches into a very long description. "So the Silver family estate was built like two hundred years ago or whatever, in Canterlot right underneath Princess Celestia's castle so everypony could see how special we were. Five years ago my parents started saying I should be able to grow up in a small town for some reason..."
"AAAARRRRRRGH!" I scream in disbelief. Is this foal freaking serious?!
"I know, isn't that the worst? It's like they wanted me to be a common pony or something! But Diamond Tiara was moving too, and we were already the most special fillies in Canterlot so at least we could keep being special together. Diamond's so cool. I really miss her. So anyway, mom and dad just moved our whole house to Ponyville and rebuilt it brick by brick. Our mansion is sort of a silvery-gray and has, like, this classic Trots Baronial architecture with kind of a maredieval style or whatever. And we have three hundred different antiques because we own the most successful antiques business in Equestria. We're really special that way. On the north side is the courtyard with two dozen statues that are like really creepy-looking at night. On the east end is the garden where we have a bunch of flowers and junk. The west end is boring; the library faces that way. And on the south side is the main entrance where you came in for your lame tutoring session that we'll never speak of again..."
I clap my hooves over both ears, but I still can't block out her super-annoying voice--or, for that matter, the battle cries of Luna and the hydra a good distance off. ("Have at thee!" ... "GRRRRAAAR." ... "Ha! Taketh that!" ... "UURRRRGH!" ... "Yikes! Release the Princess of the Night from thy odoriferous maw!" ... "BLAAAAARRRGH!" ... "Nooooo! Cease thy dizzying movements at once, you fiend!") That last complaint interests me the most, because Luna's magical hold on the cart is finally broken and I feel us beginning to move in a wide circle.
"HEY!" I cut off Silver's seemingly endless boasting. "Make yourself useful for once and tell me what's going on with Luna and the hydra!"
"Huh?" the spoiled filly sounds disinterested. "Oh, he's just spinning her around by her tail and making the whole swamp a big disgusting whirlpool."
"...And, let me guess: the cart is going deeper into that whirlpool, taking us both to a muddy grave?"
"I guess. Why?"
"AAAAAAHHHHHHH!" we scream in unison as the spinning gets faster and faster, the circles more and more narrow. Luna is calling to me in a frantic voice but I can't make out the words.
I grab Silver and try to fly us out, but the mud is already crashing down around us, soaking my wings and pulling us both straight down. I can't hear, I can't breathe, and I sure as hell can't swim. I hold my breath, but I know I can't last long as we are drawn inevitably to the bottom, swallowed into the sludgy depths of Froggy Bottom Bog.
This sucks on so many levels.
Author's Note
Hoofston, we have a problem.
Jay's Cigarette Count: Zero, not that it matters
...And It's Freaking Cold Up Here
XIII: Where There's Fire...
Author's Note
A lot of people missed Chapter XII: Swamped when FIMfiction goofed and it didn't show up in their feeds. If you still don't see it on the story's main page, click "view Mature" in your settings (even though it's not mature) and see if that helps. If you still don't see the chapter after that, shoot me a PM.
Otherwise, on to Chapter XIII!
XIII: Where There's Fire...
It’s too damn soon.
It’s not supposed to end like this. There was more I needed to do for Equestria and for myself. More that I should have told them about my world, if I’d known today would be the last chance.
Such as, it's not all amazing and convenient. My world has a load of problems too, most of them stemming from people: ruthless profiteers, religious fanatics, overzealous activists who still believe everything they were told in community college, and people who just aren't ready for some football.
Life doesn't last there, and neither do the things that come with it--relationships most of all. That’s what runs through my mind over and over as I and my bratty tutor descend to the bottom of a lake of slime. There’s no time for anything else. Holding my breath makes me lightheaded, and only the feeling of Silver Spoon clinging to me in fear stops me from giving up. The swamp is everywhere, everything, and even as we sink far below the bottom of the whirlpool it still pulls us along to our deaths.
But then it gets bored with us, coughs us up someplace else, and leaves us choking on something that isn’t mud: air.
It’s stale-smelling and damp, but it’s still air. I risk a gulp of it every few moments as Silver struggles to keep us both afloat. She’s the only one who can swim, and she thrashes along with surprising strength. This foal has got some fight in her, I’ll say that much.
She throws me off her shoulders, and I land painfully on a hard and rocky surface. But land is land, so I’m not complaining. Besides, I’m too busy barfing up about a quart of mud and silt. Silver joins in with gusto, and for a while the only sound is our frantic coughs ringing and echoing off the walls of…wherever the hell we are.
“Holy shit,” I rasp when I can talk again. “We’re alive.”
“Duh,” Silver mumbles. “Like I would ever...live it down...if I drowned in...mud.”
“Where are we?”
“Underwater…cave. Lagoon of…muck. My poor antique glasses…my poor antique pearl necklace. So dirty. Ewww.”
“Ew,” I agree.
Silence.
“Soooo, come on. Get up already.” She nudges me with her hoof.
I reach out and try to swat her away. “No. Lemme alone. I’m moping.”
Silver growls in frustration. “Oh my Goddesses. You are, like, SUCH a downer. You whine more than those blank flanks at school, you know?”
“Yeah. Now shut up. I didn’t ask you to come along, and your freaking valley girl talk isn’t making my 24-hour headache any better, you knooooow?” I retort mockingly.
“Hmph! I know that I returned a favor and totally saved your life! You’re welcome.”
I mumble some random syllables, hoping they’ll sound like “thank you.”
“…Whatever. So I guess you’re totally not interested in the antique waterproof jewelry box I’ve got in my mane.”
I flinch as more mud drips from my hair into my face. “For once, you’re absolutely right.”
She must be opening the box, because I hear a slight pop. “Even if it has like my spare glasses, a map, a survival kit, and those gross white and brown things you left at my house? Speaking of EWWW. What are they, anyway? They look kinda like this long chewy candy that Bon Bon makes, so I tasted one. Gag!”
“Oh, yeah. ‘Grody to the max’, huh?” I yawn. I wonder if I’ll ever feel like moving again. Huh. Bad-tasting white and brown things that I left at her house? Of all the crazy, weird-sounding…
Tempting…delicious…fragrant…oh-so-satisfying…
“MY SMOKES!” I crow. Fireworks of joy burst forth in my heart! I could swear I jumped to my hooves without even moving my legs.
“What?” Is all the foal can say before I tackle her to the floor of the cave.
“GIMME GIMME GIMME GIMME!”
“Ow! Like, what’s your major malfunction? Here, take all of them, just get off me.”
I cradle the tiny carton of cancer-filled goodness to my chest, babbling mindlessly. “That’s right, papa’s back. Oh, I missed you so much, my little darlings…but now we’ll be together forever and ever, and as soon as I get a match I…”
I freeze. Somewhere in the cave, water drips.
“…Silver Spoon?” I say with a huge, strained smile on my face. “Buddy? Galpal? B.P.F.F.?”
“Um…yes?” she answers from a safe distance.
“Do you happen to have some matches on you?”
“I have some in my survival kit. Why?”
“GIMME GIMME GIMME GIMME!”
I dive for her again, but I guess she jumps out of the way this time because I take yet another bone-jarring spill on the cave floor.
“Like, as if! We need to save those matches, okay? ‘Cause it’s freezing down here and we don’t know when we’ll make it out. We have to find some wood or something and make a fire.”
“Pleeeease?” I turn Snowdrop’s huge, blank, pitiable eyes upon her in full force. Yeah, it’s not fair, but you know what they say about desperate times. I stare unmercifully and wait for her to crack.
“Um…I’m over here. You’re, like, looking at the wall.”
Shit. “Look, I need a match, okay? I’ll do anything. I’ll come back for another tutoring session. No, ten!”
“No way, fake Snowdrop. Not ‘til we can make a fire. And only if you say ‘thank you’ properly this time.”
So where there’s fire, there’s smokes. I get it. Compared to the waiting, saying ‘thank you’ to a bratty foal is easy. “Thank you.”
“Tch! No way! Not like that.”
“What do you mean, not like that?!” I raise my front hooves in consternation. “Should I say it with a fright wig on?”
“Repeat after me: ‘thank you, Silver Spoon, awesomely special and magnificent pony who saved my life and my smokes, whatever those are…’” she says smugly.
I take back what I said about this being the easy part.
“Thank you, Silver Spoon,” I recite, trying to keep my teeth from grinding, “Marginally special and magnificent pony…”
“Hey! I said awesomely! ”
“…Awesomely special and magnificent pony who saved my life and my smokes, after trying to eat them…”
“No editorials! ‘…Best friend of Diamond Tiara the incandescently cool, finest antiquarian in Equestria, and protector of Ponyville from the super-annoying scourge of the Cutie Mark Crusaders.’”
“Seriously?”
“Like, you’ve met them, haven’t you?”
I roll my eyes. “Point taken. Fine: best friend of Diamond Tiara the incandescently cruel…”
“HEY! No dissing Diamond!”
“…Finest caffeine freak in Equestria, and protector of Ponyville from three annoying foals who won’t shut up. Close enough. Now let’s get moving and find something to burn,” I swallow the knawing hunger in my gut and jam the cigs back into my mane. My mother told me there would be days like this. Although being stuck in the body of a blind filly with a cigarette craving probably wasn’t what she had in mind.
"Fine. Like, whatever."
“Where the hell are we, anyway? Twilight didn’t say anything about a cave below Froggy Bottom Bog.”
“Hmmm…let’s find out!” Eager hoofsteps echo through the cave, heading towards the dripping water.
“Slow down! Don’t leave me alone in here.” I scramble to catch up with her. The cloak around my neck is caked in mud, but I wouldn't lose it for anything. I guess Silver stopped already, because I bump right into her haunches. Oops.
“Oof! Hey, watch where you’re going!”
“No problem! Got some working eyes I can borrow?!”
“Look, just…here. Keep your hoof on my back and follow me,” she lifts one of my front legs over her withers. I hear the rustling of paper. “That’s weird. This map doesn’t show any cave under the Bog. Maybe it’s, like, undiscovered or something.”
My heart sinks. “Okay, let’s back up. Describe the place to me.”
“Ugh! It’s so boring. It’s this really big cavern. The rocks are all greenish-black and ugly looking. The ceiling is, I dunno, maybe a hundred strides high? And there’s a tunnel ahead of us that just goes on and on.”
“Is that where we’re going?”
“Totally. Unless you'd rather stay here or go back in the mud.”
“No, thank you.”
I keep pace with Silver and listen hard for any sounds besides the water and our hoofsteps. So here we are, trapped underground where not even Luna and the Elements can find us. Equestria is being smothered in snow, while Silver’s family is probably worried sick about her. Yeah, things could be better.
“Hey, Spoonbutt. What did you tell your parents?”
She sounds embarrassed. “Um…I might have told them I was staying over at Diamond’s for a few nights.”
“Oh yeah? Well, it’s already been a few nights, so you’re probably screwed.”
“Yeah,” she sighs. “I guess I lost track of the time. And with the Princess and those blank flanks’ big sisters around, I had to keep hiding. I never thought that describing my amazing mansion to somepony could take so long!”
“You went to all that trouble just to talk about your freaking house?! I still don’t believe it.”
“Well…maybe after a while I was kind of interested in all that talk about you saving Equestria and stuff. I mean, don’t get me wrong, Diamond Tiara is still the greatest pony in the world, and since I’m her best friend that makes me the second greatest, but if you get to the castle and make your magic snowballs or whatever…you might be in the top ten. And special ponies have to stick together. Even if one of them is, like, a blind alien zombie with no respect for antiques.”
I turn away, so she can’t see me crack a smile. “And even if the other is a stuck-up know-it-all coffee demon.”
“Hey, that reminds me, I brought some of my mom’s coffee in the survival kit!”
“…Great.”
The walk lasts a long time. I stick to Silver Spoon like glue as we trot nervously through the cave. I’m instinctively looking around, not in an effort to see but to construct a mental picture of where we are from the sounds and feelings around us. I notice that the air is slowly getting warmer, and the occasional drips and drops from stalactites on the ceiling turns into a steady trickle from far off. Silver hears it too, and the thought of fresh water to drink spurs us onward. That’s when my hoof suddenly makes a very different sound on the floor.
“Hey!” I stop walking. “What are we standing on?”
“…Cobblestones.” Silver says excitedly. “They look old.”
“What kind of an undiscovered cave has a cobblestone floor?”
“You’re right. I wonder if…” Silver sounds as if she’s thinking out loud. She gasps, and her voice becomes hushed. “Oh, Celestia. Get out! Could it really be…”
“What? What is it?!”
“I’m not going to tell you until I know for sure. Keep going!” she stamps her legs impatiently. I follow her quickly into another wide open space, but this one feels different. Our steps and our voices don’t echo so much in here, and the sound of water is much closer. Finally we’re right on top of it, and the nerd stops in her tracks.
“Like, I totally don’t believe it. It’s a fountain!”
I can’t believe it either, so I reach out towards the noise. Silver guides me the rest of the way until I feel it washing over my hoof. It’s water, all right. “Holy shit.”
“I think I know where we are,” Silver Spoon sounds really excited now. “There’s this old legend about a place under the old castle that they don’t put on maps anymore. Not even an antique map like mine, it was so long ago. Like, from Discord’s time.”
“Go on, what about it?”
She hesitates. “Like I said, it’s just this old story. Most ponies don’t even believe it existed.”
I’m so antsy that I almost forget about my headache. “Well, we’re standing in it! Now what’s the story?”
“Okay, okay. It’s like, when Discord was doing his super-lame chaos stuff all over Equestria, the Princesses helped a bunch of ponies escape from him and live underground. They all worked together to carve out this really huge space. I guess it was a place to live, and a big market, and a secret headquarters all rolled into one. When everypony was safe, Celestia and Luna went out to challenge Discord. Then after they turned him to stone, the ponies didn’t need to hide in caves anymore, so they just moved out and sealed them up.”
“So…there were hundreds of refugee ponies living where we’re standing right now?”
“Yeah. Maybe like thousands, if the story is true. I don't know what they called these caves then, but now they're called the Lost Havens.”
“Wow,” I gulp. Until now, Discord and the Castle of the Two Sisters were just names that I skimmed over in boring textbooks. Stepping into a giant time capsule from that era is a whole new ballgame. My school field trip to the Minnesota State Capitol had nothing on this.
We risk a sip from the fountain. It tastes kind of funny, but neither one of us keels over after drinking and that’s good enough for me. Silver finds some old waterskins laying around nearby (no, I don’t know what creature’s skin they’re made of and I don’t really want to) and we wash up as much as we can. She wants to make some of that damn coffee too, but luckily for both of us there’s no heat and no way to filter the stuff.
The next room we enter is huge. Silver describes some strange carvings on the stone walls that show the reign of Discord and the rise of Celestia and Luna. But what she finds in the corner really makes my day.
“It’s a couple of rotting wooden benches!” she exclaims. “I think we can make a fire with them.”
I look sidelong in her direction. “Oh, I don’t know. Aren’t they…antiques?”
“Ugly antiques,” she says dismissively.
“Get a match,” I smile.
I whip the cigs out of my mane at roughly the speed of light. Moments later, we’re sitting around a warm fire and I am enjoying the best smoke of my life.
“So you’re supposed to, like, breathe them or something?” Silver Spoon sounds curious.
“Never mind, Spoonbutt. Humans only.”
“I have a name, all right, Faux-drop?”
“Yep,” I sigh happily. “I know.”
Nothing could bother me right now. I may be lost, stranded, separated from Luna and Rainbow Dash…but at least I’ve got my smokes back.
After a little while, Silver yawns. “I’m, like, so exhausted.”
“Same here. Let’s get one more drink of water and catch some Z’s.”
“Okay.”
After a quick run back to the fountain, we curl up around the fading fire and fall asleep.
My dreams that night (or whatever the time is above ground) start out surprisingly normal. No crazy stuff like switching dimensions or being scolded by an equine princess; just some passing visions that are forgotten as soon as they happen. I think I had that one dream where you’re falling endlessly into a pit, but after being chased around by real-life monsters it was more boring than scary. Then along comes the bar dream.
I’m just sitting there in a bar that looks a lot like the one in my hometown from the human world, except there’s a ball pit in the corner and it’s way more colorful inside. The counter and stools are pink…maybe for Pinkie Pie? The ceiling is blue, and Rainbow Dash once mentioned she was that color. The walls are pink and purple stripes; I’m not sure who that is. There’s some orange, yellow, and white around too. No clue about those either. But all the stuff that I would see at the bar in real life—horseshoes, coiled rope, a stuffed deer head with huge antlers—is still tacked up on the walls. In short, the place is absolutely butt-ugly. Rarity would have a heart attack if she saw it.
“Now what?” I mutter. I seem to be alone here. Hardly noticing that I’m in my human body, I clamber up onto a bar stool and wait for something to happen. Nothing does, so I raise a glass that magically appears in my hand and pound it on the counter. “Hey, can I get some service here?”
“Just a minute, sugarcube,” an orange pony with…are those freckles? ...trots out of the back room and stands behind the counter. She’s smaller than Luna, with stubbier limbs and no horn, but…there’s something familiar about her. “Well, I’ll be! You sure are a big hoss, ain’t you?”
I’m so surprised I drop the glass. (Lucky for me it doesn’t fall, it just sort of drifts in midair.) I would know that voice anywhere! “Applejack?!”
“Now how would you know my name, stranger?” she regards me suspiciously. “I can’t say as I’ve ever seen anyone like you before. Or any thing, at that.”
“Applejack, it’s me!” I stand up and raise my hands. “Jay!”
She narrows her eyes. “Mister, you’ve got some nerve tryin’ to tell me a whopper like that. You don’t look like that nice lil’ filly any more than an apple does an orange!”
“Hold on, Applejack,” another familiar voice interjects with wonder. “I think it’s really him!”
My mouth falls open and I turn to the entrance, where a sky blue pony with wings and a multicolored mane is watching me curiously.
“Rainbow Dash,” I gasp. The room wavers and tilts around me. Am I about to wake up?!
I try to rush over to her before anything else can happen. She takes a cautious step back, but I throw my arms around her anyway.
“Whoa!” she wheezes. “Your real body is seriously strong, dude. Smells weird, too.”
“Shut up,” I sigh into her mane. “I’m alive, okay? I’m underground. You have to get Luna and come find me.”
She doesn’t move. Her coat suddenly feels hard and cold.
“Dash?” I move back. The dream has changed, and I’m hugging a statue. In memory of Snowdrop, says the sculpted platform underneath it.
It is her. An older Snowdrop with a few wrinkles and a warm smile on her face. There are clouds beneath my feet, but dozens of little white flowers are sprouting up anyway. I frown and step back.
“Luna? Are you here?”
“Jay,” My—no, Snowdrop’s voice. “It’s me.”
I look up again. The freaking statue is talking now.
Man, is that creepy or what?! Maybe there was something in that water after all.
“You must reach the castle,” the stone pegasus tells me. “Time is running out for Equestria.”
“I’m trying, damn it! But I’m stuck in some stupid cave underneath a…”
The moonlight around us shimmers and almost instantly solidifies into another pony. It’s Luna. And…Silver Spoon.
“What the heck am I doing here?” the foal asks, looking around in bewilderment. So that’s what she looks like. I have to admit, she described herself accurately.
“Your guess is as good as mine,” I grunt.
“EEEEEK! A monster! Save me, Princess Luna!” Silver cowers behind the Princess, who has been staring at Snowdrop since she appeared.
“It’s me, Spoonbutt.”
She recognizes the nickname, and maybe the tone of my voice, because she peeks out from behind Luna again. “…Fake Snowdrop? Is that what you really look like? Eww.”
“Shut up. Luna? Snow? You want to help us out of these caves?”
“We are trying, Jay. I apologize for losing thee. The hydra was a mightier foe than I anticipated, though I subdued it soon after,” Luna looks embarrassed. “And the Lost Havens are as difficult to access as their name suggests, particularly with all our supplies lost and blizzard conditions above. I have forgotten...much, from those perilous times.”
“It’s snowing in the Everfree now?!”
Snowdrop inclines her head sadly. “As I said, Jay…time is of the essence.”
I cross my arms. Time to go into coaching mode. “I get that. So let’s not waste any more time coming up with a plan. Get to the swamp, same place we were when the hydra attacked. Use your magic to create another whirlpool. Then freeze the swamp so it stays that way and you don’t drown in the mud. Then jump down there, find the lagoon, enter the caves and save our butts. Can you do that?”
Luna puts a hoof to her muzzle and thinks for a moment. “I…believe so. I can only hope that should we find you, our journey out will be unimpeded.”
“Unimpeded by what?”
Luna pauses, as if she’s wondering how much to tell me. Then her head snaps up and her eyes widen. “Jay! Young foal! Both of you, wake up!”
Silver Spoon and I both snap awake in the room with the carved walls. I don’t feel our fire; it must have burned out. I listen hard and hear my breathing, Silver’s breathing, and…something else.
“Do you hear that?” I whisper.
She walks up next to me, letting me know she’s here. “Y-yeah.”
Just beyond the range where I can hear clearly, and definitely beyond where she can see, something echoes. As it comes nearer, the first thing I think of is the sound of a thousand tiny hailstones pelting the roof of my apartment in a storm last winter. Just countless loud taps on a hard surface.
Almost like a whole lot of hard, spindly legs clattering over stone floors, walls, and ceilings.
“Silver,” I say in a voice that sounds remarkably calm to my ears, “I’m going to teach you an important alien expression. It goes like this: ‘game over, man. Game over.’”
Jay's Cigarette Count: 8
...And It's Freaking Cold Up Here
XIV: The Good, the Bad, and the Bugly
For just a few moments, all in a blur, there’s this light shining right in my face. After days of seeing nothing at all, it’s like looking straight into the sun.
“Aw, shit!” I rasp as I cringe away from it. “Christ on a cracker, Silver. Get that goddamn light outta here. You trying to make me go…blind?”
Cue the double take. I can see again. And my real voice is back. How did that happen?
I’m grateful when a tall dark shape suddenly leans over me; at least it’s easier on my eyes. Then come more shapes, and voices chattering all at once. One rises briefly above the others: a voice I would recognize in any body, any world. And it’s saying my name.
“Beth?” I mumble.
Then it’s gone.
I’m blind again. I’m lightheaded and dizzy. My legs ache—all four of them. Now it all comes back to me. The last thing I remember is hard, spindly footsteps echoing from every possible direction, somepony screaming, and running, running, running…
“Where am I?”
There’s a slight rattling, like many bodies shifting, standing at attention. Wherever I am, I am definitely not alone.
“S-still in the Lost Havens, Jay,” It’s Silver Spoon. Her voice is quiet and shaky. If I didn’t know better I’d say the smartest, most jaded foal in Ponyville was scared stiff. “Th-they…caught us. You fainted.”
That reminds me. Imagine, if you will, a huge-ass network of caves. Caves that were hammered into a crude living space by two nutty pony princesses, to hide from an even nuttier lord of chaos. Caves that you are lost in with no compass, map, or smartphone.
Now imagine that, while wandering these caves, you find yourself captured by hundreds of thin, buzzing, angry-sounding…things. And that you are blind as a bat, with only one spoiled filly to protect you. What a way to spend an afternoon. I thought I was used to not seeing, but it’s a whole different bag when someone or something with sight is after you. Hunting you. All they have to do is turn their head to know exactly where you are. No wonder we were captured so easily.
“What are they?” I ask Silver. Too bad it’s not Silver who answers.
“An excellent question, young pony,” says a voice behind me. It’s not like anything I’ve heard in Equestria. It’s cold and harsh and proud. It’s a leader’s voice, sort of like Celestia or Luna’s, but different. Celestia and Luna represent many. This voice IS many. “What are we, indeed?”
I turn around, though there’s really no point. I can’t see this thing or her followers, and for once, that’s just fine with me.
“We have many names. Shifters. Hivelings. Before we came to Equestria, they called us plaguewings. Like a disease! How cruel,” the thing exclaims with a sigh. She’s closer now, and my flesh starts to crawl. “If we are cut, do we not bleed? Well…now that I think about it, we don’t. We have exoskeletons. But you get the point, I believe.”
“Um…yeah,” I squeak.
“You may call us changelings,” the voice continues. “And I am Chrysalis, their queen. Either name suffices, for when you speak to one, you speak to all. Isn’t that right, my children?”
Cackling and hissing noises echo everywhere. I cover my ears and wince. Changelings…Twilight talked about those. So did Luna. I don’t remember exactly what they said, but I know none of it was good.
“What do you want with us?”
The voice laughs, an unearthly sound that really gives me the willies. “Really? I should think even the dullest foal in Equestria would know the answer to that. You look as if you know, silver one…why don’t you tell your friend?”
“We’re not friends,” Spoonbutt and I both protest, forgetting our mutual terror for a second.
“Whatever!” The thing called Chrysalis is not amused.
“They…they want our love, Jay. That’s what they do. They feed on a pony’s emotions until…there’s n-nothing left.”
My blood freezes. I don’t know what the hell that really means, and I don’t want to find out either.
“Love?” I squeak, backing away as hundreds of insectoid hooves rattle closer and closer to us. “Come on, guys…give us a break here. She’s a spoiled heiress, I’m a divorced assistant football coach. How much love do you think you can squeeze out of that? Really, um...you guys deserve a better meal than us."
“How kind of you to be concerned for our welfare,” Chrysalis says mockingly. “But changelings are not picky by nature, and I’m afraid you are the first prey we have found in some time. Our…setback…in Canterlot forced us to retreat underground, where we were trapped by this cursed snow for weeks on end. We most assuredly will take what we can get.”
More rattling. I back off again and bump into something warm and furry which can only be Silver. They must have us surrounded. They’re buzzing, murmuring hungrily.
So…I’m about to have all the love sucked out of me. I wonder what that feels like. Oh, well. It probably won’t make much difference anyway. I’m not the most sentimental guy. The only one I ever really cared about, at least before I came here, was…
Beth. I swear I heard your voice just now. You’re still out there somewhere, aren’t you?
Dammit. I did love her. It’s over now, but the memories keep me going. I won’t let these freaks take that away from me.
“We have to get out of here,” I whisper to Silver.
“How?” She sniffles.
“You’re the stuck-up nerd here. Think of something!”
“You’re like 97 years old! You think of something, loser! I haven’t even had my morning coffee!”
“You can take your goddamn coffee and…” Wait. That’s it! “…Silver, you freakin’ genius.”
“What are you talking ab—MMMPPPHH!”
I pull the antique metal container out of her saddlebag, pop the top off, and dump the entire ration of Mrs. Spoon’s raw emergency brew right into her ornery little muzzle.
It doesn’t take long. First come the shakes. I feel her body trembling next to mine, faster and faster until she’s practically vibrating. “C-c-c-c-o-o-o-o-o-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-E-E-E-E-E-EEEEEEEEEEEEE…”
“Is this some obscure pony ritual?” Chrysalis sounds bored. She won’t be for long.
“SILENCE!” Silver Spoon’s shriek echoes through the halls.
I hear several Changelings hiss and skitter away from us, and I hold my breath. This is just what I hoped (and feared) would happen. I don’t care where these critters came from or how many ponies they’ve drained; nothing could prepare them for Silver Spoon on caffeine.
“There is only one true ruler in the Lost Havens! My ultimate form has been revealed. I am the most stupendous incredible ponyriffic pony in all ponydom, second only to Diamond Tiara the Magnificent…” Silver suddenly jumps on my back, balancing on two hooves. “I am Silvestra the 27th Spoon, of the pernicious pearls and spectacular spectacles! I am the slayer of the blank flanks! I AM THE LIZARD QUEEN!”
“I think you mean the pony queen,” I say helpfully.
“Quiet, slave number one! All of you totally gross bug thingies shall be slaves number two through two hundred thirty-nine. Bow down to me and polish my silverware or you shall all be vanquished! And someone bring me more coffee!”
“I tire of this,” Chrysalis snarls. “Get her!”
Damn. I was hoping we could startle them and escape in the chaos, but it looks like we’ll have to fight our way out.
“Your Highness!” I yell. “They’re going to scuff up your antique waterproof jewelry box!”
“DIE!” Silvestra dives off of my back, and I hear the screeching and crunching of a few dozen Changelings getting their asses kicked by a filly.
“You nincompoops! Hold on to her!” Chrysalis rages. A hard, cold appendage lifts me off the floor, and I realize she’s got me. “I shall warn you only once, blue filly. Call off your mad friend or suffer extremely painful consequences!”
I have only one way to defend myself. Turning in the direction of that creepy voice, I brandish the cutest, most pitiful, most Snowdroppy expression I can.
“Please,” I whimper in that saccharine little-girl voice, “I’m blind and helpless and adorable. Don’t hurt me…”
“Ha! You think you will receive sympathy from a heartless being such as myself?! You must be…ugh…stop that at once. Stop staring at me!”
“Pleeeeeeeease?”
“No! W-what are you doing to me?!” the queen groans. “I can’t take it…the cuteness…HNNNNNNGGGGH!”
“Ha! You see? I’m so cute, you have to do what I say! Now let me go, sucker.”
“…Let you go? Oh no, darling. Quite the contrary. I see now that you will be a far tastier morsel than I ever anticipated. Instead of draining ALL your love…I shall keep you as my own personal snack for the rest of your life!! Mmmmm...so hungry..."
Shit. Well, that backfired.
I gasp as a magical field surrounds me. It tingles just like Twilight or Rarity’s magic, but it feels wrong somehow, and the nausea is way worse. It’s probing me, invading my mind, searching out every good feeling I’ve ever had and...
“Release Our friend, foul parasite! By order of the Princess of the Night!”
The bad magic falters, and I take a bruising fall to the chamber floor. I don’t even care. The cavalry has arrived—the horses, at least.
“Good timing, Princess Loony,” I raise one hoof in a wave.
Something warm and feathery descends over my back. “You okay, kid?”
Rainbow. I just nod, holding on to her as she flies me out of harm’s way.
“Chrysalis!” That’s Twilight’s voice. “You’re going to pay for this!”
The mad queen sounds surprised, but not intimidated. “Well, well. If it isn’t the sister of the Princess I defeated in battle! And Twilight Sparkle, whose brother I know SO well."
“Twilight has a brother?” I whisper to Rainbow.
“Long story, Jay. Stay here with Fluttershy. We’re about to go kick some flank!”
“Welcome one and all to our humble abode,” Chrysalis continues. “You’ve arrived just in time for dinner. And you and your extremely tiresome friends shall be the main course! Attack, my children!”
Luna doesn’t hesitate. “Come, Elements! We fight for the future of all Equestria! And cake!”
“And COFFEE!” Spoonbutt chimes in.
“COFFEE CAKE! WOO-HOO!” screams Pinkie Pie.
My world is a crazy place. It has been for a long time and it will be until we’re all gone, because humans are crazy. When you’re a kid, grownups tell you to follow the golden rule (even though they don’t) and not to judge others (even though they do) because everyone is basically good except for just a few bad apples—killers, animal abusers, Packer fans and such—who are pure evil. I say that’s bull. All people, everywhere, are nuts.
Equestria is different. I think almost everyone is basically good here and the insanity, the bad stuff, isn't all spread out like it is on Earth. It's concentrated in certain places, certain ponies. And if you happen to bump into one of those sources of evil—like a race of mind-leeches whose only good feelings are the ones they sucked out of somepony else—you turn around and gallop like hell.
Unless you're an alicorn princess, an over-caffeinated brat, or one of six incredibly brave mares who hold the Elements of Harmony.
I almost don't care that I can't see the bare-hoof, no-holds-barred FIGHT that breaks out at that moment. I got in plenty of scraps as a kid back on Earth, but this is one of the wildest things I've ever heard, felt, or smelled (bathing is not high up on the Changelings' to-do list).
Being near Luna’s magic is like standing on the end of a giant tuning fork. That power rattles every bone in your body, and judging from the clamor of exoskeletons smashing against the walls and the floor, its effect on enemies is even greater. But the “normal” ponies don’t fare too badly themselves. I hear a defiant “take this, you rascals!” and A.J. must be doing to the changelings what she does to apple trees, because several of them clatter so far across the floor they knock me over.
“Oh my! Come here, I’ll get you a safe distance away.” Fluttershy’s maternal instincts take over as she tries to guide me away from the action.
“Not a chance, sister!” I whoop, which sounds very weird in Snowdrop’s voice, and scramble to get all my hooves underneath me again. “I’m not missing one second of this!”
“But it’s really very dangerous here, and…Jay, look out!”
“I can’t look out. I’m blind!” Something hisses furiously into my face and ruffles my mane. “Okay, okay, I’ll come with you. Geez. You’ve got some gnarly morning breath, you know that?”
“Jay…that isn’t me.” Fluttershy wheezes in terror.
The changeling directly in front of me buzzes hungrily. For a brief and terrible moment I wonder if this is the end, but nothing happens, and I realize the thing has gone dead silent. It’s not even moving.
“What the hell happened?”
“I…I used the Stare on him! But only because he left me no choice. I hope he’ll be all right.”
“Thanks. Compared to all his friends, I’d say he’s getting off lucky.”
Rainbow Dash calls out to us nearby. “Good one, Fluttershy, but this is how it’s done! Eat this, lovesuckers!” I don’t know what the hell she does but the wind is so strong it sends us both reeling back, and a fresh round of carapaces cracks the ceiling. “AW, YEAH! Seven at once, baby! Beat that! I’m so awwwwwe-some, I’m so awwwwwe-some…”
“This isn’t a competition, Rainbow! We’re fighting for our lives!” Twilight Sparkle protests from the front lines of the battle.
“Duh, Twi! So why not make it fun?!” Dash laughs, and I’m reminded yet again why I love that girl. If she’s not the toughest thing that ever had the word rainbow in her name, then I’m a Timberwolf.
“COFFEE CAKE AND FUN!” cheers Pinkie between deafening blasts of…is that a freaking cannon?! I strain my ears for Rarity, and way on the other side of the room a shriek of “how dare you dishevel my mane?! I’ll tear you to pieces!” tells me she’s holding up just fine.
Something smaller and softer than a changeling staggers up and collapses next to me. “Hey Faux-drop…do you have…any more coffee?”
I have to smile at that. “It’s all gone, Spoonbutt. But I think our friends can take it from here.”
“Friends…yes. More slaves…for the Silvestrian Empire. I’m so sleepy.”
“Yes, Your Obnoxiousness. We shall take you to your royal chambers immediately,” I wave Fluttershy over. Together we carry the exhausted foal to the back of the room and wrap her up in my cloak.
"You cannot hope to stop us, Luna!" Chrysalis shouts, and even in that giant room I doubt there's a single pony or changeling who can't hear. "You are as useless now as you were when we invaded your precious kingdom! Or should I say, Celestia's kingdom, which she now merely tolerates your presence in. You will never have the power you once did. How do you expect to defeat me without it? You might as well go back to your beloved moon. Equestria has not been your home for a thousand years. It is now the promised land of the changelings! We shall roam free in every town, every plain, every forest, taking our fill of love! I am their mother, and at long last, my children WILL claim their inheritance!"
Luna's voice is as hard and ruthless as I've ever heard it. "What a lovely but absolutely ridiculous sentiment."
A mighty blast reverberates through the chamber just moments later, and I hear the changeling queen cry out in despair. We've taken down Chrysalis. It’s over.
Shy runs off to check on everypony else, and I take the opportunity to sneak a match from Silver’s pack and light up. I don’t care who sees me now; this calls for a victory smoke before I take my furry ass out of here and make some snowflakes.
“Back in business,” I say, and exhale slowly.
Author's Note
So it’s been almost a year since I started this story, and nine months since I updated. Where did the time go? Beats the hell out of me. So much has happened IRL this past year that I had little energy or time left to write. But Jay/Snowdrop (Jaydrop?) is still in the back of my mind, waiting for me to continue his foul-mouthed and possibly carcinogenic adventures—something I’m finally ready to do. I hope all of you guys will join me once again.
Jay's Cigarette Count: 7
...And It's Freaking Cold Up Here
“Just give me something. Anything, damn it.”
Get lost, Lost Havens. We’re out of there at last, thanks to the tunnel Luna and the others opened in Froggy Bottom Bog. The air outside is bitterly cold and clogged with a nearly suffocating blizzard. The snow is shoulder-high in Ponyville and rising. Only Luna’s warmth spell, and the sleigh Celestia just sent us from Canterlot, are allowing us to reach the castle ruins. Luna says four of her strongest pegasus guards are pulling it through the air. Another damn thing I wish I could see, but I haven't got time to mope. We have to get this weather under control before all of Equestria is frozen, buried, or both.
Luna and I have been up talking for a while. That freaky vision in the Havens makes me pretty certain I’m still alive in my world, and now what I want from her is…reassurance, I guess. Some guarantee, some promise that I’ll be with Beth and my dad and my players again when this is all over.
She doesn’t bullshit me. I kind of wish she would, though.
“I’m afraid this is beyond my knowledge, Jay. Starswirl apparently found a way to extend Snowdrop’s magic beyond dimensional barriers. Not even my sister and I possess that ability.”
She’s staying quiet, trying not to wake up Twilight and all the other exhausted ponies, but I can hear the pity in her voice. I don’t want it.
“Fair enough. I guess if you were all-powerful, you would have fixed Snowdrop’s eyes nine centuries ago, huh?”
No answer.
“Hey, did you hear me?”
“Yes, Jay. I am…thinking,” she replies. “Now that you ask me, I do not know if I would have restored her vision or not. Would it have been an act of kindness? Certainly. But would it have been the right thing? That, I cannot answer. Such questions make me grateful that my power does have limits.”
Hmm. I guess that makes sense.
“But this much I do know,” The hard edge of certainty returns to her voice. “While no power in Equestria could have helped my friend see with her eyes, it is also true that no power could stop her from seeing with her heart. She saw me, and my night, in a way nopony else could.”
I try to conceal a sigh. Yeah, yeah. Best pony friends forever and all that jazz.
“…Except for you, perhaps.”
That came out of left field. I sit up, startled. “Me?!”
“The matter of your individual consciousness aside…you are Snowdrop. Everything she was, you can be. Everything she did, you can do. If you are willing to accept her.”
Everything? That’s bizarre. Making snowflakes with hooves? Flying through the sky completely blind? Necromancy? Do I even want to do that stuff?
“It’s not just Snowdrop,” I say, frustrated. “It’s Beth. Beth and those damn flowers.”
She sounds confused. “I beg your pardon?”
“I was married to a woman named Beth,” I try to keep my voice steady. “Snowdrops were her favorite flowers. She was always planting them in our garden, and you showed them to me a few nights ago in my dream. What’s the connection?”
“I did not create those flowers, Jay.”
“So who the hell did?”
“The realm of dreams is not mine alone. I have always believed it could transcend many barriers, perhaps even those between worlds. If neither you nor I imagined those snowdrops in the grass…then perhaps the one you call Beth is trying to tell you something. Perhaps there is something else you must accept.”
She goes quiet and waits for her old palace to come into view. I burrow in between Silver and Applejack to get some rest. Something tells me I’m going to need it.
As I found out during that endless, messed-up tutoring session which shall never be spoken of again, the hoofreading system was invented by a blind unicorn named Light Bringer. It uses special characters that are embossed onto soft paper with little stamping machines so you can feel them easily with the flat of your hoof, and--luckily for folks like me who need to learn fast--they represent words, not sounds.
Starting at the top left of the page, I feel around for more. And more and more and more and more and…
“Did you say this is the short version of Snowdrop’s autobiography? It’s a freakin’ cinderblock.” I look in Twilight’s direction with dismay. We’re almost to the castle now. I was hopeful when she gave me this book at the last minute (of course she would only think of it at the last minute), because I thought it might tell me how to, I don’t know, MAKE SNOWFLAKES? No luck so far.
“Yes, Jay. The shortest one I could find at Golden Acres, at least…I hear an even briefer text was published in the years after her death, but it went out of print centuries ago.”
“Either my hoofreading sucks or Snowdrop’s writing does. I mean, this thing is all over the place. Half of it is weird stories that aren’t even about snowflakes and the other half is jargon she just made up! Listen to this: ‘Crafting a flake in a multi-striated arch pattern is a process of the most delicate. Perfection requires to deny my natural urge toward an angular sculpting motion. Discovery path to this technique occurred at time of my twenty-third year and eleventh visit to Saddle Arabia where I occasioned to meet Hayssan VI, then of Saddle Arabia the most venerable ruler and owner of a voice ringing so masculine and sensual as to melt the coldest winter ice and conjure vivid fantasies in the most sightless of mares...’” I blush and slam the book shut. “Okay, I’m not reading the rest of this.”
Different reactions from the girls, I notice: Twi goes into a coughing fit, Rarity clears her throat, Dash guffaws, and Pinkie just asks what everypony’s problem is.
I think even Luna chuckles under her breath. “I did warn you that Snowdrop’s book would be of little use to us, Twilight Sparkle. Like any fine art form, snowflakes must be felt and not merely studied.”
“Thanks anyway,” I shiver, despite the warming spell and my cloak, and gesture straight ahead at what they tell me is the ruined Castle of the Two Sisters. “I’ll just play it by ear. Or by hoof, I guess.”
The sleigh touches solid ground and rattles to a halt. We’ve arrived.
Sometimes you walk into a place and you just get a feeling. A happy feeling, a sad feeling, a creepy feeling. Sometimes the vibe of a house or a building settles deep inside of you ‘til you can almost feel its history.
Well…psych! Not this place.
It’s dead. Dead as a doornail. Any magic it once had must be long gone. All I feel is a mild ache in my legs from sitting in that damned chariot for hours. It’s like the time I went to Wrigley Field for a Cubs-Twins game while visiting an old buddy in Chicago. I expected this strange and mystical feeling, but got nothing. It was just a baseball stadium. I’m a diehard football fan though, so maybe I’m biased.
Even if I did feel anything in this castle there wouldn’t be time to savor it. Luna sweeps me onto her back and we storm that place like gangbusters. Our hooves make such a racket in those halls I’m surprised the old place doesn’t cave in on top of us.
“C-c-c-can’t y-y-y-you f-f-f-fly?” I try to ask Luna through the vibrations.
“There is no substitute for the feeling of sacred ground beneath one’s hooves,” she answers. “Be patient, young friend, and we shall reach the observatory post-haste!”
“I guess your post office is a little less hasty than ours, huh?” I say when we stop for yet another break.
“Silence, human,” Luna is breathing hard after 20 minutes of traipsing through seemingly random hallways. I can feel her sweating through her coat. “Twilight Sparkle, are you certain we are going the right way?”
“According to the map, this is the most direct path to the castle observatory,” Twi answers, apologetic but with a note of stubbornness.
Dash chimes in. “Then we should be there by now! Lemme see that thing, Twi.”
“Are we there yet?” Silver Spoon yawns somewhere to my right. I think she’s on Fluttershy’s back.
“Not yet, Silver,” Shy whispers. “But we will be soon…um, I think.”
I should feel annoyed about this, but I’m not. Instead I feel…calm. Serene. We’ll get there when the time is right.
“I don’t mean to be rude, Your Highness, but this map makes about as much sense to me as horseshoes on a pig,” Applejack remarks. She’s the last Elemental pony who’s tried to figure it out, without success.
“Silence, earth pony,” Luna is breathing even harder after, according to Twi’s watch, 42 minutes of gallivanting through even more random hallways. “Twilight Sparkle, you and your friends seemed to navigate this castle easily enough when you deprived…I mean, saved Equestria from eternal night.”
Even Twi sounds annoyed now. “Well, I guess we got lucky!”
“Maybe it’s one of those places that gets bigger and crazier and loop-de-loopier every time we go back! You know, like the Everfree Forest?” Pinkie chimes in, fresh as a daisy.
She may have a point, but the other ponies continue to bicker. Now I should really feel annoyed about this, but I’m still not. Something about the way their voices ring through this hall is so…familiar.
“Luna,” I call her by her given name. That shouldn’t feel right, but it does. “You always had to do things the hard way.”
“…Jay?” she says uncertainly. Everypony stops.
“Yes and no,” I answer dreamily. My head is swimming. I do have that strange and mystical feeling now, but it’s not coming from the castle. It’s coming from me. I know this place. “Don’t you remember? The best way to reach the observatory…is to fly.”
For once I don’t listen to their warnings. I unfold my wings and launch myself off Luna’s back. The only way to find Snowdrop’s spirit is to do what she did: follow my heart, no matter how corny it sounds.
I am frightened and unsure, yet I am also dead certain. I sail leisurely to the left. I know there is no wall on that side, because the peculiar ring of voices on stone only sounded above me and to my right. I feel cold open air.
“Jay! Jay!” My friends shout after me.
“Hey, Jaydrop! Like, wait for us non-zombie ponies!” Silver Spoon.
Jaydrop. Yes. I am Jay, but more keenly than ever I feel the part that is Snowdrop, and it’s calling me. Guiding me.
“Kid, LOOK OUT!” That is Rainbow Dash.
She shouldn’t worry. Snowdrop’s memories are telling me where to go. She will never steer me wrong.
SMACK.
“Damn it, Snowdrop,” I groan, peeling my face off the pillar I just crashed into. Yes. This palace had the largest and most impeccably sculpted pillars. She used to spend hours just feeling them with her hooves.
Oh, well. Even her memory can’t be perfect after all these years. I know I am hovering in an atrium, around which winds many halls and staircases. The solution is to fly higher. Much higher. The distance and the uncertainty both fall away beneath me as I surge upwards, knowing exactly where I am bound…
“Kid, LOOK OUT AGAIN!”
SMACK.
“Damn it, Snowdrop.” Judging from the pain in my head and back, and the wind and snow rushing past me, this is the ceiling. Yes. The palace had a whole ceiling once, when she was young, but parts of it must have caved in at some point. Time is a cruel thing. So is blunt force trauma.
Still I push on. After more changes of direction, cries of “look out kid,” and crashes than I care to count, at last I collide with the only pillar that has stars and moons sculpted on its upper portion.
Near that pillar is the entrance to the observatory.
The feeling is even stronger in this room. The telescope that once rested on the pedestal is gone, either moved to the new castle or lost to the ages. Now there’s only the urn, radiating magic and deep, deep cold. I reach out with my front hooves to touch it, and in that instant everything changes.
Well done, Jay, she whispers inside my head.
I am her. Maybe, in a way, I’ve always been her.
A cacophony of echoing hooves reaches my ears. Long moments later, eight worried and breathless ponies stumble in.
“Jay!” Luna wheezes. “Are you…all right?”
“Yes, old friend,” I whisper. “We are both all right.”
I fly over and embrace the stunned princess.
She returns the gesture, too emotional even to speak. I can’t explain to you what it’s like to cheat the laws of time and space, to stretch one’s tired spirit thin over centuries waiting for one fleeting moment, and realize it was all worthwhile.
But Equestria’s moments are numbered, and I can linger here no more. I stand back and grope for something my human self would say.
“Now let’s make some freaking snowflakes already.”
Author's Note
And hey, speaking of centuries, I finally updated again!
Jay's Cigarette Count: ...Snowdrop don't need no damn cigarettes!
...And It's Freaking Cold Up Here
What a glorious feeling it is to be Snowdrop!
Well, somewhat Snowdrop, anyway…
No! No. I am entirely Snowdrop, as much myself as I ever was.
Except I’m not. Goddamn it. What does “goddamn it” mean? I have no idea. But it seems a fitting expression.
Jarvez! Over here, bud. Look, when we call “two-time 69 arrowroot Turner delta,” it’s a very simple play. The only word that matters is “delta,” the rest is just bullshit to throw off the defense. “Delta” means a run fake and a pass to the T.E. in the flat, got it?
What was that? One of Jay’s…my…memories? Yes, it was. One of so many different memories. They become clearer with each passing moment. Beth. Beer. Smokes. Football. I feel dizzy. Never mind. I must navigate this maze of thoughts that are mine and yet not, and concentrate. Crafting snowflakes is an extremely delicate art.
Concentrate. I am Snowdrop. My mind must be calm as an ocean. A warm and peaceful ocean.
Holy Celestia. I can actually imagine an ocean! Jay has seen an ocean! Jay has seen everything! Apples! He has seen apples. I never knew they could seem so delicious. And he has seen grass, and the sky, and clouds, and snow and ice and…yes. Snow, which I am supposed to be making snowflakes out of right now. Concentrate!
“J…Snowdrop?” Luna asks me. “Are you all right?”
“Pipe down, Loony, and let a man work in peace.” I scowl. “I mean...I am fine, old friend.”
“What's a man?” Rainbow Dash whispers behind me.
“I do not know. Jay's thoughts are...most distracting,” I wince and shake my head violently. “My friends, I must ask you to leave the room. This may take some time.”
I wait until their hoofsteps fade, but my mind is still not clear.
“Jay, please,” I whisper to myself. “I must be able to concentrate.”
Oh yeah?! I'll give you something to concentrate on. This is MY interdimensional journey and I'M making the damned snowflakes. Just tell me what to do and I'll take care of the rest.
“I am perfectly capable of doing this myself.”
Like you were perfectly capable of finding the observatory? You flew me face-first into every wall and pillar in this castle. Face it, you're rusty. I'll take the body and you take the mind. Deal?
I blush slightly. “Very...”
...Very well.
“Whew! That's more like it!” I whoop. “Okay, Snowdrop, what do I do first?”
Breathe slowly and relax.
“Relax. Damn. How do I do that? I'm half-dead and Equestria's getting buried and it's freaking cold up here. How can I possibly rel--” I do a double take, and a smile creeps onto my face. I raise my voice so they can hear me outside the room. “Hey, Silver! Got a match?”
A long moment later, Silver Spoon's irritated hoofsteps shuffle up behind me. “Just take them, weirdo.”
She balances the matchbook on one of my hooves. I take the cigarettes out of my mane with the other.
What exactly are these? Snowdrop asks me.
“These are...a bad habit. The less you know about them, the better.”
Ahh, Snowdrop replies, thinking of salt licks in this world – an idea so hilarious it makes me laugh out loud. Say no more.
“What the hay are you laughing at?” Spoonbutt is still talking.
“Snowdrop says these are like salt licks.”
“At least salt licks don't smell like that,” Silver Spoon points out.
“Why are you still here, anyway?” I ask.
“I can't exactly go anywhere with my house, like, buried in snow. And believe me, there's nothing I want more than to go home and polish my antiques instead of hanging around here with losers.”
“Right,” I roll my eyes for her benefit and take another puff.
Your non-friend seems very rude, Snowdrop thinks. She's not insulted, though. For the first time I can remember, she actually seems amused.
I smirk. "Oh, and get a load of this. Snowdrop says you're very rude."
Silver shuffles her hooves nervously. "She does? Um...is this for real? Like, the spirit of a famous historical pony is actually inside your head now?"
"'Fraid so."
"Oh...my...goddesses!" Silver squeaks under her breath. She's almost hyperventilating. "I've always wanted to talk to a historical pony!"
I groan. "Look, brat, this cig's going to last another minute or so. You have that long to say whatever you have to say and then I need to get to work, got it?"
"Okay, okay. Um...hi, Ms. Snowdrop. I'm sorry for being rude. I studied you a whole lot in school and I just want to thank you for doing so much for Equestria and winter is my favorite season and it's all because of you 'cause you made it a safer time of year. Well, until this year when your snowflakes ran out but that wasn't really your fault and thanks a lot for bailing us out again. You're, like, totally the greatest and it's an honor to meet you and you have a really cool mane and my friend Diamond Tiara is awesome and - "
"Time," I growl, sticking the extinguished smoke back into the box and replacing it in said mane. I'd rather not be remembered as the alien who littered a cigarette butt in Snowdrop's memorial observatory. "She says 'thank you, Spoonbutt'."
"What?! She would not call me Spoonbutt!"
"How do you know? Is she inside your head? Yeah, that's what I thought."
You two are impossible, Snowdrop muses. You remind me of Luna and myself, many years ago.
Me and that coffee-addled know-it-all, best friends? No way.
If you say so...
I don't hear Silver leave the room, so she must be standing there watching. I guess it doesn't bother me. Then again, almost nothing bothers me after a good smoke except for an empty pack...and this one is getting down there, isn't it? I'd better get to work.
I sigh and sit on my haunches. “Okay, enough chitchat. Snowdrop, what's next?”
Think of Luna's stars, high above this castle. If you listen very hard, you can hear them twinkle. Wish for the thing you desire most.
“The Jiminy Cricket thing. Gotcha.” I shut my eyes, not that it makes a difference, and think about what I want most. I want to go home. I want to coach the Frederick Douglass High School football team again. I want to live to see the Vikings win a Super Bowl. But most of all, I want to see Beth again and tell her how I really feel.
I feel a frigid gust from the observatory window, and then a little chunk of...something...lands right on my muzzle. I take it in my hooves.
“Feels like ice. Is that it?”
It is everything, Jay. The night has answered you.
I turn it over uncertainly in my hooves.
Feel how rough and hard it is. It must be refined.
She's right. It feels like a rolled-up ball of frozen sandpaper, and it refuses to melt. Equestria is the same way, rough and uncompromising. Every creature uses their own form of magic to adapt and adjust nature into something they can survive in.
This snow needs a shape. It needs a purpose, just like I do.
Think of the stars. You have seen them twinkle, just as I have heard them. They grow little points at the edges. That is the shape we want, to pay tribute to the night.
“What do I carve it with?”
Pull out one of my feathers and use the pointy end.
I obey. “YOWCH! Damn, that hurts.”
Like a mother, Snowdrop thinks absently. She seems to have picked up a few things from my human vocabulary. What does that expression mean, anyway?
“Um...never mind.”
I take the soft end of the feather in my mouth, bend down to the crystal, and get started. I can't see what I'm doing, of course, but I can feel it give under the point of the feather. After a while I realize that Snowdrop has fallen silent. She's just letting me work, so I must be on the right track.
It's funny because I never was much of a craftsman. I worked for a contractor as a teenager and while I wasn't very good at the job, I envied my boss for being able to build something with his own hands. Next to having children, which I never experienced, it's the purest form of creation. When it's finished, you can stand back and see what you've done, and you know that you made a difference.
Too many young people these days don't get that experience. They're confused and bored out of their minds because our screwed-up society has no place for them anymore. We just cram them full of guilt and knowledge they can't use, give them smartphones and turn them loose. It seems crazy to me. If they just had somebody looking out for them, showing them that doing real work and contributing can really feel good, I think it would solve a whole lot of problems before they start.
That's part of what I wanted to do as an assistant coach. Back in my world I was just one guy with a failed dream and a bad marriage, but I could make a difference in those kids' lives. Over here I was just one blind undead filly, but I can make a difference for other ponies too. The details, like being stuck in a different body, don't change the end result. I'll still be doing some good, and that's sure as hell better than sitting around drinking beer. (Not that there's anything wrong with a good beer.)
Finally I tuck the feather behind my ear and feel the crystal. I think it's done. I doubt if it looks like anything special, but it's pointy and it's got holes in it. It's a star, but it's lunar ice, but it's a snowflake, but it's a wish, and it's...oh, what the hell do you call this anyway?
Celestia called it wishing snow, Snowdrop says helpfully. And you have just made your first piece of it. Congratulations, Jay. I can't tell you what it means to finally share this with somepony, as I have with you. I know how difficult this whole experience has been, and...I would ask your forgiveness.
“Oh, what the hay. You might've saved my life, so no harm, no foul as long as I get home again. Now we just have to make about a thousand more of these, right?”
Right. But Equestria needs this one now.
“Way ahead of you,” I turn to where I think Silver Spoon is still sitting. “Silver? Go get Luna.”
The royal sleigh races up into the clouds. It's just me, Luna, and the pegasus guards who are pulling us. Luna's magic protects us from the cold and the blanket of snow. At least we don't have to worry about running into any weather ponies; they've all been forced to evacuate the unfriendly skies. We're headed for the highest cloud in Cloudsdale, where Rainbow Dash took me before, and that's not a short trip. I huddle in the backseat, cradling the urn with that precious snowflake in my hooves. Nopony says much. Maybe we're all wondering what to do if Snowdrop's plan doesn't work, and if it does I won't be around here much longer. Neither will she, for that matter.
Sure enough, Luna breaks the silence a few minutes later.
“Jay, would you allow me to speak with Snowdrop again? I must discuss something with her before she leaves, and there is not much time.”
“No problemo. I'll be reliving the Minneapolis Miracle if you need me.” I relax in my seat and let Snowdrop take over. It is strange to be sharing a body and mind with someone else, but really no stranger than anything else I've experienced lately. “...Luna? I am here.”
She reaches out and holds me (us?) closely. “How I have missed you. How do you feel?”
“I...feel,” Snowdrop giggles nervously. “It has been a very long time. I am most grateful for the sleigh. This blizzard is extremely dangerous, and I never was much of a distance flier.”
“Indeed. I said to the others that we have not had a winter like this one since your fillyhood...your true fillyhood, that is. My sister once told me that you never really left, that you would always love me and my night – but I think she was just trying to cheer me up. It surely never occurred to her that you had preserved your spirit somehow.”
“Celestia always lacked imagination,” Snowdrop says playfully, snuggling closer to her.
“She was very surprised to hear about your arrangement with Starswirl. I admit that I was, too.”
Snowdrop nods. “It was my last resort. I knew that my snowflakes would run out someday, and I researched with Starswirl the Bearded for many days to prepare for it. But preparing for temporary reincarnation is one thing; completing the process is quite another. It was challenging for Jay as well. He has been...very argumentative, but very helpful also.”
Hey, I can hear you, you know.
“Snowdrop," Luna says reluctantly, as though she's just remembered something unpleasant. "There is something I must tell you. As I'm sure you are aware, I had some...difficulties before you passed away. Difficulties with my sister, and most of all with myself.”
Oh gees. Heavy stuff going on here. I feel guilty for being able to hear them. And, in Snow's case, to feel what she's feeling. She's more than sad; she's also upset, and not with Luna.
“I remember,” Snowdrop says tightly. "I was old, not senile. She banished you. I begged her...I begged her to reconsider. She would not listen."
“I am sorry,” Luna whispers. “I failed. I was not the pony you looked up to.”
"No matter what you became, I loved you. I always will." I feel the depth of Snowdrop's affection as she turns toward Luna, and it really impresses me. There are no walls in this love. It's unconditional, unrelenting. However young she might look now, she is no child. "I accept your apology. It is more than she ever gave me."
Uncomfortable pause. "Celestia never apologized to you?"
"Never."
Luna tries to laugh it off. "Well, it is no matter. Most ponies would say she had nothing to apologize for."
“Most ponies did not see how she treated you. Nor do they know what it is to spend a thousand years alone. And that was too harsh a punishment, Luna. Far too harsh."
"Please do not blame Celestia. What's past is past. I am here now, and so are you. That is enough."
Our flight path begins to level out, and a few seconds later we slide to an uneven stop.
"We have arrived," Snowdrop flutters delicately out of the sleigh as the "buzz" from Luna's protective spell fades away. There's no more snow up here, not even wind, although it's so cold that the air stings our nostrils. "Let's hurry."
"Snowdrop," Luna is right behind us. "Will...will I be able to say goodbye to you this time?"
"I can manage a few minutes, though not much more," Snow holds out the urn. "Would you like to do the honors?"
"Why don't we allow our friend Jay to do it instead?" Luna says kindly. "He has earned the opportunity, I think. And if anything goes wrong, we can always blame him."
"Oh, Luna," Snowdrop giggles, and gives control of our body back to me.
"Gee, thanks," I snap. Luna carefully guides me to the edge of the cloud. "Okay, let's do this. Get down there and fix winter, magic starflake thingy."
This is the moment I've been waiting for. I really hope I'm able to hear or feel...something. I tip the wishing snow out of the urn, hold it out over the edge, and let it fall. Then I wait. And wait. And wait some more.
I shuffle on the ancient cloud and clear my throat. "Um...is that all there--"
The last word is obscured by one of the loudest explosions I've ever heard. The power coming up from beneath us is staggering, like somepony decided to test an A-bomb near Cloudsdale just for kicks. I don't know what I was expecting, but it wasn't that!
"By Starswirl's beard!" Luna shrieks, grabbing me around the withers and reverting to Old Equestrian. "What hast thou done?!"
"What the hell do you mean? What happened?"
"Thou hast destroyed all Equestria!" the princess hurls me to the surface of the cloud.
"What?!" I scream over several dozen smaller explosions as every hair on my body stands up. "No freaking way! That's impossible!"
"Oh, my precious home, so recently found again!" Luna sobs. "My dear sister...Twilight Sparkle...the Elements of Harmony!"
Never mind, Jay, Snowdrop says wearily. She's full of it.
"My star charts! My ancient jelly bean collection! Gone, all of it gone!" Luna continues to mourn.
The wishing snow worked. Equestria is fine.
"My moon rocks! My adult novels! My..." Luna trails off, maybe because she finally sees the steam coming out of my ears, nose, and possibly every other orifice in Snowdrop's body. "Er...woe is me, for thou hast blown up Equestria...no, truly! Ka-boom!"
"Luna," I very slowly shake my head. "Did I ever mention that I hate you?"
"You seemed to want a climactic ending," she says innocently. "I did not wish to disappoint you."
Get her, Snowdrop urges me.
With a snarl of Snowdroppy rage, I hurl myself at Luna's voice and tackle her onto the cloud. She grunts in surprise. I feel her hoof on the side of my face, so I know she must have rolled over onto her back.
TICKLE HER WITH OUR WINGS! It is her greatest weakness!
Luna tries to push me away with her front hooves, but I wedge my body in between them and turn, flapping my wings as hard as I can over her chest and face. "NO! Not that! Anything but - eeeeeeek!" Very un-princess-like laughter, squealing, and pleas for mercy echo through the sky as I tickle her into submission.
You have done well, my young apprentice, Snowdrop chuckles evilly.
Author's Note
My inspiration is back and my computer issues are fixed. And winter is coming to a very premature end where I live, so I'd better pay tribute to it by finishing this story before it's gone completely. Chapter XVII will probably be the last. My Snowdrop plushie says hello.
Jay's Cigarette Count: 6
...And It's Freaking Cold Up Here
XVII: Smokes on the Water
Never let it be said that I don't enjoy a good party. Dancing isn't really my thing, but I can drink with the best of them, and back on Earth I was always looking for an excuse to celebrate. It made my life less tedious, especially after the divorce. My friends and fellow coaches would be amazed to see me sitting alone in a corner, staring into space like I am now with a piece of triple-decker mascarpone cake and a cup of perfectly non-alcoholic punch in front of me.
I think my new friends here are surprised, too. When Pinkie Pie suggested a No More Yucky Winter Party - no, wait, a Snowdrop Memorial Party - no, wait, a Goodbye Jay Party (there were several working titles and she never settled on an official one), I went right along with it. It was a chance to say a proper goodbye to the ponies. While she planned the shindig, the other ponies used the time to clear all that snow out of the roads, Snowdrop's spirit rested to recover her energy before trying to send me home, and I went back to the castle with Luna to make a lot (and I mean A LOT) more snowflakes. By the time that was over, I was really looking forward to visiting Sugarcube Corner and tasting Pinkie's baking for the first time.
She should have called it a Sit On Your Ass and Try Not to Cry Party, because that's all I'm doing right now.
I shouldn't be this bummed about leaving. Putting aside my obvious handicaps, I've run into a few dozen things and fallen on just as many hard surfaces. I've been attacked with magic, had my dreams invaded, nearly drowned and fallen to my death, you name it...but it still won't be easy to put Equestria behind me. More than that, I'm scared that Snowdrop won't be able to send me back to my world. Imagine going to a grocery store you've never visited before, finding a nondescript bottle of ketchup in an abandoned shopping cart, and trying to put it back where it belongs. That's more or less what Snowdrop will be trying to do with my soul. It's not impossible, but it's not easy or convenient and there's plenty of room for error.
With all that on my mind, I'm just not in a partying mood right now.
"Hey," a boyish voice says over the music. It takes me a second, but I recognize it as Spike's.
"Twilight let you out of your cage, huh?"
"Gees, what's your problem?" he retorts. "Oh, I get it. You're trying to get me mad so I'll leave you alone."
I shrug, still not looking at him.
"Well, it's not gonna work." I hear a chair skritching on the floor as he sits down across from me.
"I was afraid of that," I mutter. "How you been?"
"Cold, but good. Thanks for fixing winter and everything. Snowdrop will probably be back soon, so I just wanna say it's been nice knowing you. And go easy on those 'medicine sticks', okay? I mean, dragons breathe smoke all the time, but I don't think other animals are so good at that."
I nod vaguely. "Yeah...I guess that's true. Well, take it easy. Don't work too hard."
"Tell that to Twilight," he chuckles.
"Speaking of Twilight," I tell him as he gets up to leave. "Tell her I said thanks for everything. Take care of her, okay?"
"No sweat. I'm her number one assistant, remember? I'm always on the job."
He scampers off and I sit in silence once again, nursing my punch. Naturally, since this place is jammed with ponies and I'm one of the things they're celebrating, I am not left in peace for long. This is why I never gunned for Art's job as head coach. I don't like all the attention.
"Excuse me, Mr. Jay?" a rich, warm female voice says. It sounds kind of familiar. "I am Silver Platter, Silver Spoon's mother. We met briefly when you visited her for a study session."
I suppress a shudder at the memory of that night. "Yeah, it was...interesting."
"She seems quite interested in you, too. I haven't heard her talk about another pony so much since Diamond Tiara," Silver Platter continues, either forgetting or just disregarding that I'm not a real pony. "It's a shame that you have to leave us, and I want to thank you for keeping an eye on her. When we found out she wasn't at Diamond's and had joined your expedition uninvited, Shoe Polish and I were beside ourselves with worry."
"No problem. Princess Luna and Twilight Sparkle watched over her the whole time." Actually it took us at least a day to find out she was hiding in the applecart...and between saving my life, slaying an eldritch abomination, and putting a king-hell beating on some changelings, I think she can pretty damn well take care of herself. But I'm not about to spill all of that to her mother. "By the way, she said she was the 27th pony named Spoon in her family. Who are the others?" I'm not interested; I just want to get her talking so I can safely zone out.
"Oh! Well, obviously it's a very long list. My husband would know more about his side of the family, but her great-great-great-great-great grandfather Golden Spoon was the first, and her youngest relative with the name is her uncle Ivory Spoon; he's a well-known museum curator in Canterlot. She's also descended from the Silvers on my side. I come from a long line of philanthropists, and Shoe Polish comes from a long line of antiquarians, so it's no surprise that she has such a passion for history and preserving valuable things. Most of us do, really, except for the odd black sheep here and there. Don't get me started on Silver Shill--"
"Mom!" Silver Spoon whines, approaching from a short distance away. "What are you doing?! I told you not to talk to the zombie. He's weird!"
"Silver!" Platter sounds outraged. "Mr. Jay, I do apologize for my daughter's rudeness. She apparently needs a few extra lessons in social etiquette. I'm sure there will be plenty of time for them, considering she's grounded for the next three weeks."
"Three weeks?!" Spoonbutt squeaks in protest as I try to hide a wicked smile.
"That's right, and if you'd like it to be longer, just keep arguing with me. Now come along, young filly."
"Mooooom! That's like, so not fair!"
Their voices recede as they go off somewhere else. Finally, another few seconds of quiet. I close my eyes and, although I'm not really hungry, I feel around the table for my fork and take a bite of the cake.
It tastes amazing.
Don't you dare start crying. You're 37, goddamn it.
I get up and walk down the back hallway towards the bathroom, feeling my way along the wall. Maybe if I splash some cold water on my face I'll snap out of it.
One thing I learned from Snowdrop's thoughts was that she got really good at identifying familiar ponies by scent. Silver Spoon's is the only one I've learned to recognize, because what other pony smells like expensive soap over coffee grounds and sealing wax?
"What is it, Silver?" I say impatiently.
"Whoa! Like, how did you know it was me?" she says, approaching from a few yards behind me. "Never mind. There's something I totally need to ask you before Mom notices I'm gone."
"Make it quick."
"What's the hu-mane world like, anyway?"
I shrug. "It's full of antiques and obnoxious, entitled young people who drink too much caffeine. You'd fit right in."
"Cool!" she chirps. "By the way, you didn't tell my mother about the dark magic book, did you?"
"No, and let us never speak of that night again."
"Or my death metal collection?"
"No."
"Or the coffee?"
"Silver, will you get the hell out of here?" I snap, hoping she doesn't notice the hitch in my voice.
"Like, excuse me! And Snowdrop said I was rude. Look, this could totally be the last time we ever talk to each other."
"What's the bad news?" I turn away from her. I'm not going to miss this kid. I'm not.
She sounds only mildly offended. "This is no way for two special ponies to say goodbye. You're not even looking at me."
"That's because I'm blind, you jackass."
She's hugging me before I can stop her. Her glasses poke into my ear. I don't complain. I lean into her, hiding my face in her coat so she won't see me cry.
I don't think Luna is cut out for mass dream-walking. Trolling one or two ponies at a time is no big deal for her, but pulling nearly a dozen of them into the same dream so everypony can see my human form - and I can see them - must be a ball-buster. Her face is strained and kind of squinty, and when she looks at us she opens only one eye at a time. She won't be able to keep this up for more than a few minutes, but if Snowdrop's plan works, that's all we're going to need.
It's pretty amazing that I'm seeing some of these ponies with working eyes for the first (and last) time. The hardest part is connecting those familiar voices with the images they belong to; it seems surreal and overwhelming. I almost want to go back into the dark, where everything made sense. We say our goodbyes without unnecessary delay. Most of them blur together, but Applejack says something that sticks.
“I'll tell ya one thing, sugar. Nothing aggravates me more than when folks go on and on about the joys of being young, 'cause that's just not honest. Anypony with sense knows that growing up is tough and sometimes downright painful. I don’t know much about hue-mans, but I think it must be just the same for them. And bein’ a foal all over again, under the circumstances? I think you’ve done real fine, and I’m mighty proud of you.”
Snowdrop is focusing and gathering whatever energy her spirit has left. It won't be long now, which is good, because I'm not one for speeches. At least I'm all cried out now.
"I'm not really sure what to say. I spent most of my time here with no clue what was going on, and I think you could use a better weather management plan. Everything about Equestria is weird to me, but...I guess I seem pretty weird to you guys too. You were all really helpful and it was good to know you, even if it wasn't for long. Rainbow...we don't need the mushy stuff, do we? Thanks for saving my life and everything else. Take care of yourself."
"You too, kid," she salutes me with a hoof and both wings. "Try not to fall off any more clouds."
"Shy and Rarity, thanks for watching out for me. A.J., we need more ponies like you around. Keep working, because I will too. Pinkie, thanks for the party, even though I didn't celebrate much. Twi, thanks for letting me crash at your place. You're smart as hell, just take better care of yourself. You don't have to do it all. And if someone's expecting more than you're ready to give 'em, I hope you'll be able to say 'no'."
Twilight smiles politely and tilts her head, like she doesn't quite understand. Luna and Snowdrop exchange a brief but serious glance.
"Luna, thanks for the dreams and the good talks. No thanks for the practical jokes. Stay crazy," Luna pouts; Snowdrop grins. "Snow, thanks for hanging on to my soul. Just send me back in one piece and we'll call it square."
"Understood, Jay. I will do my best. And thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for helping me to keep Equestria safe."
Snowdrop holds up my mostly-empty carton of cigarettes. I still don't quite understand, but apparently the soul is easier to handle if you bind it to a physical object the person had some attachment to. Basically, the cigs are to me what the urn is to Snow, and that's why they appeared in Equestria with me. When the time came, she reached out for a wandering soul that could easily be connected with an object, and I was the lucky guy.
I guess in some ways, I was lucky to experience this. For a bunch of crazy four-legged hippies, these ponies weren't too bad.
I take the carton in my hands. The edges of my vision begin to fade, and when I look down at my dream-body it wavers like a reflection in a pool. Below me, dozens of flowers - snowdrops- are blooming so brightly it almost hurts to look at them. These again.
Beth, I think to myself. You again. If you're there, bring me back. I'm ready.
The last thing I see is a bunch of colorful pony shapes waving goodbye. Then the light gets so bright I can't see anymore. A voice I can't identify shouts "no, WAIT!" Then my hearing fades out and it doesn't matter. Maybe somepony wasn't ready to see me go. Part of me wants to stay too, but now that the whole thing is out of my hands I feel kind of relieved. I'll miss them all, but it's time to go back and find out what's left of the Corvette.
The light grows and grows until I can't see anything anymore. It seems brightest of all directly above me. I wait.
And wait.
And wait some more. Nothing happens. I never thought hopping dimensions would be so boring. Or am I dead after all? Damn, I want a smoke. It's not just a habit, it's a routine. It's something to do. If you're antsy, have a smoke. If you've just argued with your wife, have a smoke. If you're done with a good meal and want to put off doing the dishes, have a smoke. If you're bored, have a smoke. It's my solution. It's not something I recommend, but it's always worked for me.
"Hey," I complain in a rough, gravelly voice that sounds like it hasn't been used much recently. "Where the hell am I and where are my cigs?"
For a moment there's nothing. Then I hear a rustling, a quiet exclamation of "holy shit," and something appears in the light. Something short, dark, and muscular with buzzed black hair and the funniest-looking ears I've ever seen, wearing an old Brett Favre jersey. Whoa. That's not God. That's...
"Jarvez?" I groan. "The hell are you doing here? Did they get you too?"
Feelings begin to come back to me. I have a body again. My limbs feel like they weigh a thousand pounds each, but they're here. My stomach feels empty as a football and my head isn't clear.
"Coach, you're awake!" Jarv smiles so wide his face nearly splits in half. "Holy shit! Coach Art! Come quick!"
I wince at the loudness of his voice. That's my quarterback, all right. You could hear the kid calling signals from the next county.
"Mr. Jarvez, may I remind you yet again that you are in a hospital?" Something tall, pale, and crabby walks up next to him and peers down at me. "Good morning, Mr. Bratzke. Although it is currently six o'clock in the evening, I believe that is the appropriate thing to say."
"Hospital?" A few fragments of memory are coming back to me. The drunk driver. The crash. Lots of sirens. Going under for emergency surgery.
"Yes. Aside from a brief return to consciousness yesterday morning, you have been in a coma for approximately four days," the nurse is matter-of-fact and impersonal. "That was quite a blow to the head you took. Your left arm is broken, and we had to remove several fragments of glass and plastic from your face and chest. All in all you were quite a project and we still have to run some tests, but now that you're up, I'd say you're going to be all right."
So much for the 'Vette. Urgent hoofsteps - I mean, footsteps - pound their way into the room. A roly-poly man with thinning red hair and a Douglass High jacket appears over my bed, then a tall bald man with a beard almost as thick as mine and a solidly built woman with the best fashion sense in the hospital. It's Coach Art, my father, and my sister, looking as happy and relieved as I've ever seen them.
Now it begins to sink in. I'm here. I'm myself again. They're all talking to me and it's kind of a blur, but finally I get a question in.
"Beth," I mutter. "Is she here?"
Art and Dad make some room around the bed, and there she is. She looks as beautiful as the day I married her: deep gray eyes, long brown hair falling down her back, a flannel shirt and jeans. She probably would have worn overalls to the wedding if they didn't stop her - and I hardly would have noticed. I thought I had the perfect future ahead of me. But my dreams of a football career never became reality, and it changed me. It changed how I treated her. Before long we were leading separate lives, more like roommates than spouses near the end. But seeing her again, I feel some of that closeness we once had, the feeling that I could tell her anything. And I have a lot to say now.
It took a few days, but I was finally released from the hospital. I've got several scars and a bad arm that will need to be in a sling for a while, but I'll be back to work soon. Today I'm taking time for something I never bothered with before: gardening, in the little house where we used to live together. Beth is alone there now. I have to admit it's a lot cleaner, and the garden looks great.
"This is the best time of year to replant them," Beth kneels in the soil near the edge, in the shade of the giant maple tree. "When the summer flowers are fading, but the leaves are still green."
I lower myself carefully to my knees. This would look pretty silly to anyone who was watching: a big, bearlike man trying to plant these tiny flowers. But I don't really care. This is something I have to do.
"Where are the new bulbs?" I ask, looking around the garden. All I see is some compost and a bag of fertilizer nearby.
"Right here. They multiply and grow their own, see?" Beth delicately scoops away handfuls of soil to reveal a clump of little green bulbs. "If you catch them at the right time, you can just take the new ones off and replant them. That's one thing I love about snowdrops: they never really die."
I smile. That sounds like another Snowdrop I know.
"Jay," she touches my good shoulder cautiously, like she's afraid I might break. In all the time I knew her she almost never cried, but she looks close to it now. "I'm really glad you're back."
"Aw, we all need a good car wreck once in a while," I shrug. "Keeps a man focused."
She smiles and shakes her head. In the old days she would have said "same old Jay." But I'm not quite the same old Jay, and we both know it. I haven't told her or anyone else about Equestria, not yet. Who would believe it? Some days I wake up and I don't quite believe it myself, but then...well, never mind that now.
"Seriously, though, it's good to be back," I say. "I know it doesn't make up for the past. But I'm glad I could do this with you."
I was never much of a husband to her, and I've had a lot of time alone to realize it. What we had is gone, and I'm not asking to get it back. But Beth will always be a part of me, and I'm grateful for the chance to show her that.
About an hour later, the flowers are safely planted and I'm driving home in the old blue Buick I'm borrowing from my dad. It's no vintage Corvette, but it'll have to do. My mind drifts to the cigarette pack in my pocket all the way home. The funny thing is, I haven't had one since I was in Equestria. Have I felt the urge? Oh, hell yes. Something like that doesn't just go away. But I haven't given in. In fact, I've just reached a decision.
I cross a small bridge over a creek and stop the car next to it. I take the pack out of my pocket, tip it over, and shake out the six remaining cigarettes into the water. I watch them float away, out of sight forever. I have new responsibilities these days, you might say, and I have to be around to take care of them.
I pull into the parking lot and grab the old pillowcase from the passenger's seat next to me, getting out of the car slowly so I don't aggravate the arm. I jog up the fire stairs of my apartment building, let myself into my room and shut the door quickly behind me. There's nothing in here that anybody else needs to see. The lamp in the cluttered living room is still on, and there's a sudden rustling sound on the ancient vinyl couch. A steaming mug of coffee sits on the end table next to it.
"It's just me," I announce gruffly.
She slowly peeks over the back of the couch at me.
"Okay," she sounds relieved. "Did you get them?"
"I got them." I hold up the pillowcase, full of spare bulbs from Beth's garden.
"Like, it's totally about time! I was getting hungry."
My guest scrambles off the couch, dropping an American history book on the arm. Her eyes are violet; she gets that from her dad. Her hair is silver, or maybe gray; let's just call it silver-gray. She's wears blue designer glasses and an antique pearl necklace. And...what else can I tell you about her?
Oh, yeah. She's a bratty, spoiled, know-it-all cartoon freaking pony.
"Mmm!" she exclaims as she samples one of the plants. "Very good. The presentation leaves much to be desired, but the flavor is worthy of a Spoon. And a Silver, for that matter."
"Oh, yeah! Your family. As in your mother and your father, who are going to KILL me as soon as Luna figures out what went wrong with Starswirl's spell and how to get you back to Equestria."
"Yeah...that's them," she laughs nervously. "Oh, well. They're, like, talking to us in our dreams. So at least they know we're okay. And until then, there's so much I can learn about human history! And human treasures. And human money. And human music. Oh, and human coffee!!" She grabs the mug and takes another huge gulp. "Mmmmm! Nectar of the goddesses..."
I sigh and heave myself onto the couch. "Oh, Celestia, why me?"
"Hey, don't hog the sofa! I have to watch 'Antiques Roadshow'."
"Then I guess you'll just have to share it, Spoonbutt."
She hesitates, sighs, then jumps onto the couch and snuggles up behind my knees. "Well, I guess it's all right, since we're both special ponies and everything. And special ponies have to stick together. I mean, can you imagine what it's like to be - pffft - not special? I don't even want to, like, think about it."
Someday, I'll find out just what the holy hell is going on here and how to fix everything. Until then, I have an extremely annoying but true friend by my side. And when this winter comes along, the cold won't seem so bad.
Author's Note
Well, what more can I say, folks? We've arrived. It took much longer than I anticipated, but 'Freaking Cold' is done.
I'd like to thank all the readers who followed and commented on this story so faithfully: GreenPony32, BlueYoshi, Twilight_Shimmer, Shocks, femikol, PinkPearl, Mallory Shadowielder, Divine Path, honeyhoneyhoney, Szalhi, Shadow Bolt, Niighty, Rejigged, Zilverfoss, redsospine, kooarbiter, Braininthejar, Pinklestia, Ruise, wlam, destinedjagold, badninja, Canary In The Coal Mine, ferret, Hoppa_21, Texus, Pony With a Box, Fourpony, Dragonlover553, Skeeter the Lurker, Dusty Old Qrow, redtap, the one and only Minalkra, and many more.
Your roll deserves to be called. To your interest, feedback, and above all your patience, I owe much of this story's success. It was thanks to you that through all the RL changes, computer issues, and distractions, I was eventually able to finish it. I think the ending I chose implies, even demands, a sequel at some point in the future. We'll see how it all shakes out!
In the meantime, enjoy yourselves and stay warm. And at TheDriderPony's suggestion...
Jay's Cigarette Count: 0
