A Way Home

Three scraggly, bipedal creatures drug themselves down the corridors of Canterlot Castle, flanked by four of the castle’s most decorated guards.

        “Oi, this is cruel and unusual punishment, this is.” The spindly human in the back complained, effectively stopping the other prisoner’s progression. One of the guards bringing up the rear growled and shoved him forward.

        “Shut up and keep walking.” The bi-ped’s feet begrudgingly began shuffling forward again.

        “We ain’t even done nothin’ wrong.” The prisoner continued, his appeals remaining largely unheeded as the guards continued to march them lower and lower into the bowels of the castle. “What about the right to a fair trial? This is unlawful negligence of the entire criminal justice system!”

“Would you quit hollerin’ and just keep walkin’, Marv.”

“You gonna let em’ treat us like this, Sal? We ain’t done nuthin’ but show up ‘ere and they’re already treatin’ us like bloody criminals!”

“They have every right to be suspicious of us.  After all, we did just show up on their property uninvited an’ all.”

“But we ain’t even done nothin!’”

“Be quiet prisoner!” Another hard shove from the guard behind him effectively cowed the distressed man into silence.

The procession came to stop in front of a particularly squalid looking cell. The unicorn guard in front used his magic to pry open the door and the prisoners were carelessly tossed inside before the door was shut behind them.

“You’ll stay here until the princess decides what to do with you.”

“You see that, Sal?”  The awestruck man shuffled up to the bars of the cell and shot a disbelieving look at the unicorn guard. “He opened the door without even touchin’ it!”

“Yeah, I seen it.” The man with the heavy southern accent moved toward the front of the cell “How’d you do that?”

“What, you don’t have magic where you come from?”

“By magic do you mean like a Fairytale, fantasy-land, children’s story book type deal?” The guard exchanged confused looks with his compatriots.

“What corner of Equis do you hail from, stranger?”

“Look, like I told your queen. We ain’t from round’ here, pal.”

“And I’m telling you right now that the sooner you cooperate with us, the sooner we can get you out of that cell and back to wherever it is you came from.” The man laughed at his captor, leaning casually on the cell door with one leg crossed over the other.

“Well, we ain’t goin’ nowhere right now, so you might as well tell us about how you do that fancy trick ah yours and then maybe we can tell ya a little somethin’ about where it is we come from. You know, a — you scratch my back I scratch yours — kinda deal.”

“Why would I want to scratch your back?”

“Figure ah speech. Look, we’re burnin’ daylight here. We both know you don’t wanna be spendin’ valuable man...er-horse power guardin’ us humans; an’ all we want is outta this cell and back to our ship so we can go about our business. So why not just open up this cell an’ let us go? You can tell your princess we scurried off and no one’ll be the wiser.”

The guard scoffed, making his way back toward the stairs, his comrades quickly falling in behind him. The man’s mouth shifted into an agitated sneer.

“Didn’t your mother ever teach you it’s rude to walk away in the middle of a conversation?”

“Save your breath. I don’t bargain with suspected criminals.” The man followed the retreating flank of the guard with an impish smirk playing at his lips.

“I reckon it’s a bit unethical for someone in your position, but the way I see it, it’s actually a win for both sides. I mean, how do you know that we didn’t want to get inside the castle the entire time?” The guard’s hoof paused on the very first step.

“And do what exactly? You have no weapons and no way of launching any sort of offensive from in there.”

“Oh, really?” The man shook his leg and then kicked it outward sharply, catching a miniature pistol in his right hand. He rounded on the cell door and shot three quick shots through the bars and into the crumbling stone next to the procession of guards. The guards blinked owlishly for a few moments before jumping into a protective phalanx, their commander and ranking officer at the epicenter.

“He’s got some sort of magic! Protect the commander at all costs!” Each guard in the formation raised their spears toward the three prisoners.. The man laughed almost evilly, twirling the gun on his finger.

“Ya know for such efficient lookin’ soldiers ya sure do a pretty piss poor job ah searchin’ somebody.” The commander growled at his assailant but made no moves otherwise.

 “But whatever, right? I’m a reasonable guy.” The man bent down slowly and placed his gun on the floor, kicking it through the bars and into the hallway not ten feet from the wall of shimmering horns. “See? Disarmed.” The commander’s eyes ping-ponged from the man in the cell to the gun lying in the middle of the hallway.

“Private,” he nodded toward the object. One of the ponies occupying the flank broke away and moved toward the foreign object. The soldier allowed himself a brief moment of hesitation before his years of training kicked in and he slid the weapon even further down the hall into the care of his unit before retaking his position and reestablishing the integrity of their phalanx.

“Prisoners, relinquish whatever auxiliary weapons you may have and move toward the back of your cell or we will have no choice but to exercise deadly force!” The commander boomed. The man smiled at him.

“We would but I reckon ya already dun took everything we had on us. I’d venture to say we're cooped up tighter than a couple ah hens in the middle ah winter.” The commander marched up to the cell, his company surrounding him like a second skin.

“I guess we’ll just have to make sure this time, won’t we?” The unicorn’s horn came alight and the next instant found the three men in the cell bathed in a pearlescent white sheen and lifted several inches into the air.

“Bloody e’ll!”

“What the heck?”

Every knife, gun or weapon of any kind they thought they had kept expertly hidden was taken from their person and loaded into a duffle bag held by one of the guards. After they had been thoroughly searched and disarmed, the unicorn roughly discarded the men into the back of the cell with a flourish from his horn.

        “That wasn’t very hospitable.” The man coughed.

` The commander snorted. “You brought it on yourself.”

        “Boy, you talkin’ horses sure do know how to make a fella feel welcome.” The commander smirked sideways at him through the bars of the cell

        “We do our best.”

        “I already feel like one ah the family..”

        “Great. You can be the creepy distant cousin that lives in the dungeon that we tell the foals stories about to make them behave.”

        “Sounds perfect.”

        “I’m glad we’ve reached an agreement,” the commander took a moment to straighten himself up and regain his composure before he began walking away again.

        “Hol’ on a sec partner. I reckon this deal ain’t on the up an’ up. We complied with your demands and you still ain’t held up your end of the bargain. Specifically the lettin’ us out part”

        “So you can make some sort of attempt on the princesses’ life? I don’t think so.“The soldier took naught but another half step before he was roughly collard around the neck by a large, hairy arm.

“What do you think you’re doing, release me this instant!”

“‘Fraid I can’t do that, partner, you already dun gone an’ wasted your chance. Now we do things our way.”

“CELESTIA WILL HAVE YOUR HEAD FOR THIS YOU HEATHENS YOU CAN BET YOUR LIVES ON-” a hard tug on the commander’s neck effectively ended his raving diatribe.

“ Heathens? Oh, I think ya got it all wrong. Y’see, we ain’t such bad guys. I reckon we might be a tad rough around the edges, but when ya get down to brass tacks we can be reasonable as anybody.”

“I swear to Celestia I’ll-” Another hard tug on the commander’s neck and he was rendered silent once again.

“But when you go an’ do stuff like this. It reeeeally tends to get on our nerves. You know what I mean?” The guard continued to thrash and flail in the man’s grasp, which only served to tighten the hold around his neck.

The commander’s company reacted accordingly, squaring up angrily and raising their spears again.

“Release the commander this instant!” One of the guards demanded, the entire unit moving toward the cell. “Or we will be forced to take lethal action!”

“I wouldn’t do that if I were you.” The man flexed his wrist and a miniature barrel extended from the skin underneath his forearm.

“Now, if you want your captain’s brains to remain inside his head where they belong, you’ll unlock that there cell door and give me an’ the boys back our stuff, ya hear?” The guards shared tentative looks between one another, uncertainty written plainly on each one of their faces.

“Don’t hesitate, boys, not even for an instant!” The commander shouted, still fighting against the arm wrapped around his neck. “Remember what you were taught! Never yield to any foe, no matter what tactical advantages they might have!”

        “He’s right,” one of the guards at the front agreed. “There’s only three of them and there’s five of us. Don’t let them intimidate you!” All five of the guards retook their readied stances and raised their spears at the human holding their commander hostage and the man in turn took a more firm hold on his captive’s neck.

        “Y’all sure this is the road you wanna take? His brains are literally in your hands...er hooves.” Despite the bout of reassurance their acting commander had tried to embolden them with, the company of guards still seemed hopelessly lost as to the appropriate action to take. “You still have another option, y’know.” The man informed. “Just unlock this here door and nobody has to get hurt.”

There was a clear restlessness present on the faces of all five of the pegasi, yet none of them made any sort of definitive moves. Each of the five pegasi looked to one another, uncertain, and then back to their commander before the guard nearest the front of the formation stepped forward.

“Crucible, the keys.”

“You can’t!” The commander protested, his violent struggling returning with even greater fervor.

“I won’t let you die here, commander. I can’t let you do that to your family.” The pegasus was handed a ring of keys by another and he moved toward the door.

“Corporal, you are not to move one more step, that is an order!  You are not to put the needs of one over the needs of many. Have you forgotten what you were taught?” Despite the explicit order from his captain, his hooves continued to move.

“Order respectfully denied, Captain. I was also taught to never leave a comrade behind, no matter how bleak the circumstances might seem.”

“Corporal, I swear to Celestia if you open that door, I’ll have you hanged in the courtyard for all to see!”

“I’ll take that chance, captain.” The key to the door was slipped into the lock and there was an audible click before the door was swung wide open.

“You have what you wanted, now let the commander go.” The human smiled impishly, displaying two rows of jagged, dagger like teeth

“I would but I’ve grown kinda fond ah him. I think I’ll hold onto him just a lil’ longer-insurance and all-you understand.” The corporal growled from the pits of his stomach.

“That wasn’t the deal.” The man’s smile widened to the outer reaches of his face.

“Now, that ain’t fair. I said I’d let em’ go didn’t I? We just gotta keep em’ around ta make sure y’all don’t try anythin’ funny fore’ we get outta here. Gustav, come grab our little get outta jail free card if you would be so kind.”

There was a rustle of movement from inside the cell, followed by what sounded like thunder shaking the ground. Finally-as the third and by and far the largest of the three men-came plodding out of the cell and into the torchlight, the corporal — and a good portion of his company — found themselves taking instinctual steps backward.

He was huge. He hadn’t seemed nearly as massive or intimidating when he was slumped over and bound in shackles; but to see him at his full height, towering over not only the guards, but his fellow delinquents with his impressive height made the corporal realize just how huge (and utterly terrifying) the man really was. However, his surprise only lasted for a few precious seconds, for when the hulking behemoth of a man trudged over to take their commander from his marginally smaller compatriot, the corporal saw it as an opportune moment to strike.

“Now!”

 In a rush of motion too fast for any of the men to react to, four of the guards rushed forward to thrust their spears at the gigantic man. However, when their spears hit, not the soft give of pliable flesh, but the hard, unforgiving shell of what felt like metal, the soldiers suddenly found themselves feeling incredibly vulnerable.

The towering man growled and with one swipe of his gargantuan arm, knocked all four guards clear across the room. The corporal charged the colossal man as well, leaping up and attempting to skewer the man through the neck. However, the large man was faster on his feet than he seemed and with a quick sweep of his massive hand, sent the commander careening into the wall with a sickening thud.

“You bastards!” The commander spat, the tip of his horn illuminating a spear one of his comrades had dropped. He was mere seconds away from flinging the weapon toward his captor when a hard impact with the back of his head knocked him unconscious. The man slung the limp body over his shoulder just as his comrades emerged from their cell.

“Damn, Gustav. Save some for the rest of us, will ya?” The man with the heavy southern accent said as he rotated his now sore shoulder. “Holdin’ onto that lil sucker did a number on the ol’ rotator cuff, though. I think I need ta loosen up a bit.” At that very moment, a hearty shout,  along with the rapid clopping of hooves, altered the three men to an onslaught of three charging guards.

“Perfect.” The man smiled wickedly and flexed his wrist, the barrel inside his forearm exploding with three powerful flashes of light. Waves of deep red crimson gushed out from each of the meager battalion of three, two of them falling to the ground in crumpled heaps while the third was thrown backward by the force of the bullet impacting his skull.

“Blimey, ya aim’s sharp as eva boss.” The smallest of the three commented, scurrying over to inspect the now unmoving bodies. “Got all three of em square between the eyes ya did.”

The other man laughed heartily. “Looks like all those years of playin’ darts and shootin’ craps were good for somethin.’” The flexed his wrist again, his hand detaching at the wrist, a small box sliding out of his arm. He tossed the device to his smaller companion before walking over and retrieving the satchel that contained their confiscated weaponry. “Gustav, secure our bargaining chip. Marv, get Yager on the line, tell em’ to bring the escape pod. I think I just figured out a solution to our little energy problem.”

        A rustle of movement and a pitiful groan caught the men’s attention and they all turned to find the corporal still alive and struggling to his hooves. The man with the heavy southern accent sauntered over to the guards-pony, a sadistic smile on his face.

        “You bastards!” the corporal spat along with a mouthful of blood and a few teeth. “You won’t get away with this.”

        The man crouched down in front of the corporal, cupping the pony’s maw and moving his head so that he was staring into his eyes. “We’ll see about that.”

        With that the man stood, pulling one of the pistol’s out of the satchel and pressing it to the corporal’s head, directly between his eyes. The corporal offered his aggressor a smirk dripping with blood.

        “I hope you burn in Tartarus.” The man’s mouth pulled into a sneer and he squeezed the trigger, staining the wall crimson red.