A Way Home

“You sure this friend of yours can help? Because, based on what I’ve seen so far, I feel like nobody on this entire planet even knows what century it is.”

                “Oh, don’t worry. Not only is Twilight a princess, she’s also really, really smart. I’m confident that if there was anyone on this whole planet that could help you, it’d be her.”

                “You seem pretty fond of this chick.”

                “Well, I mean she HAS saved Equestria three times already-“

                “Really?” The mammal asked archly. Fluttershy nodded. “Whaddya know. Maybe there is someone on this backwards planet that can help me after all.”

                Fluttershy and her bipedal companion finally reached the impressive double doors that served as Twilight’s front door. Fluttershy grabbed the length of surprisingly thick rope that hung freely from the building, giving it a hard tug and immediately bracing herself.

DONG! DONG! DONG! DONG!

Fluttershy’s ears reflexively folded atop her head as the bell nestled in the steeple atop Twilight’s castle gave a succession of angry chimes. Her companion on the other hand hadn’t been privy to the impending assault, and was keeled over next to her, his paws clasped over his own ears.

                “Ah, flarkin hell!”

                “Yeah…I may have forgotten to mention that.

                “You think?!” Fluttershy flashed him an apologetic grin. Her companion scowled at her.

As the two beings outside the castle writhed, the door was thrust open, revealing the face of an irritated looking baby dragon.

                “I thought you said you were gonna do something about the doorbell,” he called over his shoulder, biting back the wince in his voice as best he could. Spike grumbled under his breath and turned to address his visitors. “Oh, hey Fluttershy, what’s up?”

Fluttershy — who was still recovering from the brutal attack on her sensitive ears — gave the baby dragon the most amicable smile she could muster given the circumstances.

                “Oh, hello Spike. Is Twilight home?”

                “Yeah, but she’s kinda busy right now, some magical breakthrough or something. Is it urgent?”

“Oh, um I mean…I guess it’s not too important. We’ll just come back later.”

                “We?” Spike poked his head out the doorway only to be knocked onto his rear as what looked like a raccoon walking completely upright pushed past him and into the castle.

        “What in Equestria is that?!

        “Oh.. Spike, Fluttershy stuttered. This is um-”

        “It walks on two legs!” Spike squawked, so in awe of the strange new creature currently poking around the inside of the castle that he made no moves in the way of stopping it.

        “Oh boy, we got a real einstein over here.” The mammal mocked.

        “It talks too?!” Spike gaped in awe.

        “Yes, it does talk.” The mammal interjected hotly. “And it would also like to know who runs this tacky lookin’ joint.” Spike shook the stars out of his eyes and picked himself up off the floor, puffing out his chest as far as he could.

        “How do you know you’re not looking at him?”

        The raccoon scoffed. “No offense, kid, but you don’t look like much of a princess.”

        “P-princess?” Spike stammered. “Who said anything about a princess?” The mammal jabbed a claw in Fluttershy’s direction.

“Your friend over there told me princess what’s her face could get me back to someplace that makes sense.” The raccoon started angrily toward the archway separating the main thoroughfare from the rest of the castle. Spike scurried in front of him, trying to cover as much of the doorway as possible with his tiny limbs.

        “There’s nobody here by that name. Try coming back later.” The raccoon sneered at the tiny dragon blocking his path before grabbing a handful of his tail and hoisting him into the air.

        “Listen, kid. I just got teleported to a planet I know nothing about full of freaky horse creatures that think I’m some sorta sideshow attraction with no way of getting back to the real world. So I’m pretty sure the last thing I need right now is lip service from a gecko.” The biped cavalierly tossed the smaller creature to the floor, who shot him a positively seething glare over his shoulder.

        “For your information,” Spike cut in sharply, dusting himself off. “I happen to be a dragon. Not only that, I’m also Princess Twilight’s trusted advisor and most loyal and dear friend.”

        “You? A dragon? But you’re so…”

        “Small?” Spike deadpanned.

        “I was gonna say girly lookin.’”

        “Girly looking?” Spike asked dryly.

        “You’re purple,” the raccoon answered just as dryly. “And you’re wearing an apron.” Spike — having just noticed that his apron was still indeed tied snugly around his waist — hurriedly removed the offending article of clothing, turning his gaze to the floor to hide his badly burning cheeks.

        “Whatever, I’m still not letting you disturb the princess while she’s working. You’ll just have to come back-” The thrum of machinery cut the little dragon off, who looked up to find an impressive length of metal just inches from his face.

        “I think you’ll find that I ain’t really the patient type.” Spike balked at the barrel of the massive piece of machinery, scurrying backward as the heat from the churning plasma warmed his face.

        “Twilight, HELP!”

A burst of purple light followed almost immediately after the dragon’s plea, the sudden brightness blinding both Spike and Fluttershy and sending the gun toting mammal reeling backward in shock. As the woodland creature stumbled — still attempting to shield his over stimulated eyes — he felt the familiar weight of his gun suddenly become lighter.

        Shaking his head to clear the spots from his vision, he looked down only to notice his gun separated into pieces, each piece surrounded by a sheen of purple light. A brief moment later found his entire body wreathed in the same translucent glow before he was lifted completely off the ground and all but slammed into the wall.

Another purple flash lit the room, bringing the snarling face of his aggressor nearly nose to nose with his own.

        “Who are you?” The purple unicorn demanded, her horn poised and ready. “What business do you have in Equestria?”

        “Twilight, wait!” Fluttershy yelled, wedging herself in between her oldest friend and her newest acquaintance. “I know he might seem a bit prickly, and maybe a tiiiiny bit rough around the edges, but I can assure you that he’s actually quite charming once you get to know him.”

        “That’s not what this letter from Princess Celestia says!” A large piece of parchment — written in ostentatious gold lettering and stamped with the royal insignia — popped right into Fluttershy’s field of vision. The pegasus blinked at the document before grabbing it out of Twilight’s magical field and beginning to read.

        “Foreign entities in Equestria… Canterlot taking preemptive action… Guards dispatched to every town… Insurgents considered armed and dangerous?!”

        “Exactly!” Twilight exclaimed, disposing of the scroll before Fluttershy could continue. “We know next to nothing about any of these creatures or exactly what kind of threat they pose to Equestria. Who’s to say he isn’t biding his time until he can rescue his friends back in Canterlot?”

        Fluttershy shook her head. “You’ve got it all wrong. He’s not a threat, honest. He just want to get back home.” Twilight was still far from persuaded, but she found she was still no match for the large, puppy-dog eyes from Fluttershy.

        “You promise?” Fluttershy nodded.

“Pinkie promise?”

“Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye?” Fluttershy winced as her hoof connected roughly with her eye.

“You should listen to her princess,” the mammal interrupted. “She knows what she’s talkin’ about.” Twilight’s face turned up into a disapproved scowl as she let the magical field surrounding her captive down, dropping him to the floor.

“I will listen to her, because I trust her. You on the other hand, not so much.”

“I don’t blame ya,” the raccoon said, getting up and dusting himself off. “You don’t even know me.”

“Well, that could change,”

The raccoon scoffed. “I didn’t exactly come here to make friends.”

“I didn’t say we had to be friends, but I’d feel a heck of a lot more inclined to help someone if I knew at least something about them.”

“Fine, whaddya wanna know?”

“How about we start with a name?”

“Rocket,” the mammal said simply.

“Rocket?”

“Yeah, Rocket. Got a problem with it?”

“Not at all. It’s a...lovely name.”

Rocket offered her another scoff. “That all?”

        “Fluttershy mentioned that you wanted to get home?”

        “Yeah.”

        “Mind telling me exactly where that is?” Rocket casually pointed a claw toward the ceiling. Everyone else in the room turned their eyes upward.

        “You’re from the ceiling?” Spike cut in with his usual dry skepticism. Rocket slapped a paw over his face.

        “No, not the ceiling. Space. Y’know...like outer space?” A sharp gasp erupted from somewhere in the room and something collided hard with Rocket, sending him to the floor yet again.

        “Oh my gosh, you’re from OUTER SPACE?!” Twilight all but squealed, her eyes displaying a child-like wonder that was usually reserved for the likes of her party pony friend.

        “Umm, Twilight,” Fluttershy attempted to cut in. However, Twilight was far too excited to pay any attention.

 “I can’t believe you’re actually from outer space. I’ve never met anypony — well I guess you’re not technically a pony are you? Still I’ve never met anyone from outer space ohmygosh this is so exciting, I don’t even know where to start. “

“Twilight-” Fluttershy tried again, only to be thoroughly ignored.

“Do they have hayburgers in space? Who am I kidding, of course they don’t have hayburgers in space, that would just be ridiculous-” a tap on the shoulder broke Twilight out of her fit of eccentric babbling.

“Twilight,” Fluttershy started, pointing a hoof downward. Twilight followed her friends hoof to the animal squirming and writhing underneath her. The princess of friendship scrambled clumsily off of her party guest. Rocket couldn’t have looked more cross if he tried.

“Sorry.”

“Jeez,” the mammal wheezed, sucking air back into his starved lungs. “Are you always so hospitable?”

Twilight blushed. “I guess I got a little excited.”

“A little?”

“Okay, maybe a lot excited. Still, I have so many questions. I mean, it’s not every day we get visitors from outside Equestria, let alone outer space.”

“Don’t get used to the company,” Rocket huffed. “I don’t plan on stayin’ any longer than it takes to find a way outta here, with or without your help.”

“What’s makes you so sure I can help?”

“Honestly, so far I ain’t impressed.” Rocket pointed a claw at Fluttershy. “But according to her you’ve got some serious chops.”

“Oh, I probably don’t have any more...chops than anypony else.”

“Twilight,” Spike cut in. “We talked about this. It’s okay to gloat once in a while.”

 “Spike!” Twilight hissed, pushing the dragon away with a hind hoof. Rocket crossed his arms and tapped his foot, the barest hints of a smirk visible on his muzzle.

“So what’re we talkin’ here? Cyborg? Mutant? Shapeshifter? Maybe some kinda weird all powerful psychic or something?" Twilight turned to Fluttershy, desperate for an explanation. Fluttershy merely shrugged.

“Well, I don’t like to brag but I know my way around a magic spell or two-”

“Wait wait wait, hold up. Did you just say ‘magic spell?” Twilight’s eyes darted around nervously, obviously at a loss for words.

“Um...yes.”

        “You can do magic? LIke ’turn you into a toad for lookin’ at me funny’ kinda magic?”

        “Well, I don’t know about a toad but...”

        “Well why in the flark didn’t you say so? Rocket exclaimed, taking a firm hold of Twilight’s face. “All you gotta do is zap me back up into space or whatever it is you do and I’ll be outta your hair and hopefully I’ll never have to see another talkin’ horse again for as long as I live.”

        “I would except that’s not how it works.” Rocket let go of her face, causing the princess of magic to drop to the floor in a heap.

        “Whaddya mean?”

        “I mean-” Twilight started as she picked herself up. “-I can’t just poof you back into space or something. Do you know how hard it is to move something from one end of Ponyville to the other-let alone  to outer space? Plus I don’t think a spell like that has even been invented yet; and even if it has, you would need an extremely powerful unicorn to pull it off.”

        “So you’re useless after all?” Rocket stated. Twilight growled low in her throat but was intercepted by Fluttershy before she could pounce.

        “Maybe there’s some other way we can help?” Fluttershy offered.

“What about you?” Twilight asked.

Rocket stared challengingly back at her “What about me?”

“You don’t have anything with you that could maybe help?”

“Oh, sure. Lemme just get out my trust communicator and tell Spock to beam me up.”

        “...I don’t even know what that means!”

        Rocket scoffed and threw down his bag, picking up the pieces of what used to be his weapon and stowing them safely inside. “It means that besides what’s in this bag — and the weapon you just dismantled-” Rocket stopped mid sentence, his eyes growing to the size of dinner plates. “Wait, where the flark is it?”

        “Where’s what?” Fluttershy asked. Rocket didn’t seem to hear her.

        “It has to be in here, I had it when-” Rocket’s eyes snapped to Fluttershy, who looked a bit taken aback; and then, before she could react, he was in her face, looking equal parts frantic and angry. “We gotta go back to your shack!”

        “Cottage,” Fluttershy corrected.

        “Whatever, just take me back there, pronto.” Rocket demanded, grasping onto Fluttershy’s ears.

        “Did you lose something?” Fluttershy asked, prying the mammal’s claws from her ears with a wince.

        “I didn’t lose anything-” He answered pointedly, gathering up all of the things he’d strewn about and slinging the bag over his shoulder. “-just...misplaced it.”

        “What did you misplace?”

        “Think of it like a battery.”

        “A battery?”

        “Yeah, y’know, a battery.” Rocket said as he hoisted himself and his bag atop the pegasus. “You put em in stuff, it makes em’ work.”

        “And you think you left it back at my cottage?”

        “I mean it makes sense seeing as how the only two places I’ve been are here and there.” Rocket grabbed ahold of his steed’s mane and tapped her impatiently in the sides with his feet. “Hurry up wouldja. The sooner we find that thing the better.” Fluttershy turned toward the castle’s entrance but was stopped in her tracks when Twilight teleported in front of her.

        “Wait! You can’t just go flying around out there. Don’t you remember what that letter from Princess Celestia said? There could be who knows how many guards out there right now looking for him. Not to mention what would happen if they saw you helping him. I mean, do you even realize how insane-” Rocket had long since dismounted from Fluttershy, clamping a paw over Twilight’s mouth to stop her rambling.

        “Oh, would you relax? I’ve been on the lamb pretty much my entire life okay? I know a thing or two about givin’ the authorities the run around. Besides, even if they did catch me — I’ve escaped sixteen prisons, including some of the galaxies more...refined establishments. I think I can handle a few talkin’ horses with a hardon for fair play. Plus, it’s not like they know where I am or anything.”

A chorus of terrified screams cut off the pointed reply Twilight had brewing in her muzzle, causing every occupant in the castle to jump slightly in alarm. The mismatched company scrambled toward the window beside the door, Rocket clamoring his way onto Fluttershy’s back as to get a better view at what had caused the commotion.

“What in Equestria is that?!” Twilight squawked.

“Is that…” Spike started.

“...a walking tree?” Fluttershy finished.

Rocket sighed, pulling at his whiskers in frustration. “Ah, flarkin hell…”

“I...AM...GROOT!!!”