Clue: The Fanfiction

“Fillies and gentlecolts, you all have one thing in common. You’re all being blackmailed.” Wadsworth decided to cut to the chase after that fiasco. “For a good portion of time, all of you have been paying what you can afford, and possibly even more, to a stranger threatening to expose you, and none of you have any idea who it is, do you?”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Peacock instantly replies. She, too, is smoking a cigarette. “Nopony could blackmail me. My life is a big open book. I’ve never done anything wrong.”

“Anypony else wish to deny it?” Nopony else dares. Wadsworth continues. “Very well. As everypony is in the same league, there shouldn’t be any harm in revealing certain details, which I’m specifically instructed to do. Thank you, Yvette.”

Yvette nods, understanding yet a little uncomfortable, as she exits the study and closes the door.

White speaks up. “Don't you think you might spare us this humiliation?”

“I’m sorry.” Wadsworth first goes to Plum. “Professor Plum, you were once a professional psychiatrist, the best in the business, helping homicidal lunatics with delusions of grandeur.”

“Yes, but now I work for the United Nations.”

“So your work has not changed. But you don’t practice medicine at the since your license was lifted.”

This peaks Scarlet’s interest. “Why? What did she do?”

“Exactly what she isn’t supposed to do with a male patient.”

Scarlet laughs as Plum looks mortified.

Peacock scoffs. “That’s disgusting.”

“Are you making moral judgements, Mrs. Peacock?” Wadsworth quickly swoops down on her. “Then how would you justify taking bribes in return for your husband, Senator Peacock, voting on certain lobbyists?”

“My husband is a paid consultant; there is nothing wrong with that!”

“Not if the public is aware of it... perhaps. But if the bribe is taken by slipping old bits in plain, white envelopes under the door of the restroom, how would you describe that?”

Scarlet’s very intrigued by all this. “I’d say it stinks.”

Peacock is bothered. “Oh, how would you know? When were you in that restroom?”

Plum pulls her pipe out of her mouth. “So it’s true!”

“No, it’s a big, ugly lie!”

“Yes, madam, I’m sure it is,” Wadsworth says sarcastically. “But the fact remains that you’ve been paying blackmail for over a year to keep that story from circulating.”

“Well, I, for one, am willing to believe you,” White interjects. “I, too, am being blackmailed for something I didn’t do.”

Green and Mustard concur.

“Not me,” Scarlet proclaims with a small lick on confidence.

“You’re not being blackmailed?”

“Of course, I’m being blackmailed. I’m just not ashamed to admit what I did.”

Plum is interested. “What did you do?”

“Well, let’s just say, I’m in the hotel and telephone business, providing ponies with a young mare’s comfort. For a little while, that is.”

“Really?” Plum is VERY interested. She pulls out a pen and paper. “What’s the phone number?”

Scarlet scoffs and rolls her eyes.

Green decides to clear something up. “Wait. How did you know Colonel Mustard was from Hoofington? Was she a client of yours?”

“Of course not!” Mustard quickly interjects.

“I was asking Miss Scarlet.”

“Well, you tell them it isn’t true.”

“It isn’t true,” Scarlet says, obviously forced.

“Is that true?” Plum half-whispers.

“No, it’s not true.”

Green was right. “A-ha! So, it IS true.”

Wadsworth stands. “A double negative.”

Mustard is a little scared. “Double negative? You mean you have photographs?!”

“That sounds like a confession to me! In fact, the double negative has lead to proof positive. It seems you’ve given yourself away.” Of course, Wadsworth knew the reality of the situation the whole time.

“Are you trying to make me look stupid in front of the other guests?!”

“You don’t need any help from me, ma’am!”

“That’s right!” It takes a second before she realises what Wadsworth said.

Plum speaks as she tries t seduce Scarlet. “Personally, I don’t see what’s so bad about Colonel Mustard visiting a house of ill fame. It’s something a lot of soldiers do, isn’t it?”

“Oh, please.” Scarlet pushes Plums hoof off her hind leg and stands up.

“He does hold a sensitive security position in Canterlot, though. And you drive a pretty expensive car, especially for somepony who lives on a colonel’s salary.”

“I don’t. I came into money during the war after my parents died.”
Wadsworth looks a little puzzled, but then decides to continue.

“Mrs. White, you’ve been paying our friend, the blackmailer, ever since your husband died under, officially reported, ‘mysterious circumstances.’”

Scarlet finds this quite amusing and laughs.

“Why is that funny?” White asks.

“That explains why you said he’s been lying on his back. In his coffin.”

“I didn’t kill him.”

“Then why are you paying the blackmailer?”

“I don’t suppose you’d want that kind of scandal, would you? He wasn’t exactly the most sane pony in Equestria. I mean, he did threaten to kill me in public.”

“Why would he want to kill you in public?”

Wadsworth corrects her. “I think she means that they were in public and had made a threat to kill her.”

“Oh,” Scarlet realises. “Was that his final word on the matter?”

“Being killed is as final as one can get, wouldn’t you say?”

“And yet, he was the one who died. Not you, Mrs. White.” Wadsworth acts as if he has a personal vendetta against her.

“What did he do for a living?”

“He was one of the highest paid Magic teachers in Equestria.”

“What was he like?”

“He was a true gentlecolt, but unrealistically optimistic. I can only imagine how shocked he was when he died. But, he was found dead, at home. His head was cut off, along with his... personal equipment. I was alone all night at the theatre.”

“Do you miss him?”

“Well, it’s a matter of life after death. As in, I can live my life now that he’s dead.”

“But he was your second husband. Your first husband also disappeared.” Wadsworth still has that hint of anger in his voice.

“How can you blame him? He was a professional illusionist.”

“But he never reappeared.”

White shrugs. “Just because you’re paid doesn’t mean you’re very good.”

Green stands up and clears her throat. “Well, I might as well come out with it, rather than having Wadsworth unmask me. I work for the FDA, and I’m a homosexual.” Everypony looks surprised, including Wadsworth. “It’s not that this fact makes me feel ashamed, or guilty. But if it were widely known, I’d lose my job.” Complete silence. “Thank you.” She sits down and smiles toward Plum, who awkwardly and quickly gets up.

“Well,” Plum walks towards Boddy. “That just leaves Mr. Boddy.”

“What’s your little secret?” Scarlet asks, thinking it can’t be any worse or less interesting than the others.

Wadsworth is surprised. “His secret? Hadn’t you figured it out? He’s the one who’s blackmailing you.”