Location: Everfree

Universe: Equis 1012.12

Time: 11:44 AM

Status: KIA

A Blue Portal opened and out fell Jack followed by swarms of bullets as Alfreda stumbled out after as blood poured from his wounds across his body and he dropped dead, the bullets already starting to be pushed out by his body and healed up. Alfreda gasped as he came to and Juan kicked him down on his way out of the portal as it disappeared, covered in blood double fisting two big guns.

"Wow, who knew that the real Wolfenstein could be so violent?" Jack asked.

"Who knew I'd have such a good time." Juan replied wiping the blood off his shell as he tossed his helmet to the side.

"I didn't." Alfreda said as he scratched his ear causing a bullet to fall out.

"You're just mad you were the perfect meat shield."

"You're right, and it still hurt."

"Oh ok Miss, didn't know your tampon fell out during the tank chase."

Alfreda tackled Juan and they rolled around while Jack looked around confused.

"Not to worry guys, I'll see if I can find out what we can do from here. Thankfully, I bought a book that I've been applying to every other part of my life since that'll guide us out of this predicament; "MASTER Your Finances and SHAKE It Up!" Jack proclaimed as he held said book high in the air.

"Damn it that thing's a load of shit!" Alfreda choked out as Juan clung onto him in a chokehold.

"Chapter One: Make Every Problem Your Slave. See, that right there is the road to success is it not? Continuing; Rule 1: Assess the situation. There's ice to the south of us, the northwest has some deserts and junk, and North has forests, cities, and a huge mountain, all very far away and more then likely to die getting there. Which leaves the observation..." Jack looked around, then back at his book, then at Alfreda and Juan, who had stopped fighting to hear whatever stupidity may emerge from his mouth as he looked back at the book. "We are f*cked."

"Right you are." The three of them turned around and saw a pony there. Well what looked like a pony in the front, but he had the back of a green shark, fin and everything but scaly back legs, and the horns of a goat. Alfreda snickered as Juan lightly chuckled.

"Okay, so who fucked who to make you? Did your mother try to kill a rival with a shark mating whistle and it attacked her on land?" Juan asked to which Alfreda laughed out loud, only for the Capricorn to try and tackle him, Alfreda dodging sending him falling down the mountain. "Well that was unnecessarily anticlimactic." Juan noted to which Alfreda nodded in agreement.

"Okay let's see if we can run into civilization before anyone ELSE!" Alfreda shouted up that last word as he was tackled by something that wrapped around him like a Boa Constrictor.

Alfreda shook his head dizzy as he began to feel something grind up on his chest. He looked and found Cadence had her legs wrapped around his chest and beginning to squeeze as he heard the sound of something cracking and swore he heard a rib crack. He looked around, and saw Princess Celestia, Luna, Queen Chrysalis, and Shining Armor surrounding him, Juan and Jack.

"You better start talking." Luna demanded. "Who are you and what gives you the right to hurt Tydal like that?"

"Answer that question with another question. Guess who's got a broken back, acts like a total bitch, but is about to kick some of your asses for us?"

"Juan that doesn't make any sense. Chrysalis is right there and her spine isn't-" Alfreda didn't finish as he heard his spine shatter and let out a high pitched squeal of pain as Cadence squeezed as hard as she could.

"Him." Juan answered.

Alfreda, using his broken spine to his advantage, slipped out of Cadence's hold then reached into his chest, pulling out then blasting her with a fire extinguisher to which she held her eyes screaming in pain as she writhed on the ground, the moments she brought her hands away revealing them to be slightly swollen and bloodshot. Juan looked surprised as Alfreda got up, his broken vertebrae remerging together and reshaping into it's old shape. "What the Hell's that thing full of?"

"Mace."

"A fire extinguisher full of mace?"

"You're just mad cause I thought of it first."

"Yes. Of every implication with it."

"Now let's-" Alfreda was interrupted as Tydal jumped from the edge and sliced Alfreda's left arm causing him to gasp in shock as he felt the wound.

"Looks like he's been... disarmed!" Jack found his joke was met with only the sound of the wind.

Alfreda touched the wound shocked, then let out a huge scream, which surprisingly caused his arm to regenerate. He looked at Juan and Jack in shock.

"You can regenerate like that? You don't need to die?" Jack asked.

Tydal went in to tackle him but Alfreda roundhouse kicked him sending him off the mountain again. Alfreda then turned to the others while Cell stood defensively. "Seriously just leave us alone we just wanna be on our way, cause I don't wanna solve this with violence."

"I HOWEVER DO!!" Tydal bellowed from below causing Juan to look over.

"Hey Alfreda why is that ocean moving closer to- OH BALLS!" Juan said as a huge fist sent him flying. Alfreda's jaw dropped as the figure stood over and revealed himself. Tydal was now bipedal and looked like he was made of the ocean itself and his mane was made of storm clouds. His bottom was made of a lot of tentacles and he grinned looking at Alfreda. "Say hello to 40% of my true power."

Alfreda blinked a few times as flashbacks came to him, pieces of his past, facing against someone smaller, but definitely more powerful then Tydal, and that's not even counting the Titan of Hell* then smiled. "You're big, got beaten by, and beaten bigger."

Tydal glared at Alfreda than smashed him into the mountain. Alfreda pulled himself out as his body fixed itself and dodged another fist. Juan was diving down and gave Alfreda an idea. He opened his wings and flew up to Juan, reminding him of his own wings and they swung around each other then propelled below Tydal's belt and lightning speed hitting him right where the sun don't shine. Tydal bent over in intense pain and landed face first in the mountain. Luna's right eye twitched before her face turned into one of pure rage as she looked down at where Alfreda and Juan were but found them gone, and began to turn to where Jack last was. "You're going to tell us-" She found that she was taking to no one but air, Jack not even leaving any footprints. "THE BUCK'D THEY GO?!"

Alfreda was running through Ponyville as fast and comfortably as he could, as the Mega Seeds were really hurting his pelvis.* He ran into SugarCube Corner and stopped on a table. Pinkie Pie walked up grinning at her new customer. "What'll be Alfreda?"

"Don't wanna know how you know my name, just give me a muffin."

"Make that two, and can it be bacon flavored?" Jack asked craving Bacon all of a sudden.

"Double Chocolate." Juan ordered.

"Okie Dokie Lokie." Pinkie Pie then hopped off to get the order leaving the three alone to talk. "So what's the plan?" Jack asked.

"Well since it's according to "wing it" as I have dubbed it, if we find the mirror portal to that world full of humans, we use the gun on that then we have a better chance of getting close to home at the least." Pinkie Pie brought the muffins and Alfreda and Jack happily munched as they continued to talk.

"What about Lulu and the others?" Jack asked mouth full.

"Whatever means necessary if they get in our way to the mirror." Juan replied pulling out his double barrel shotgun. "I've been using this since I got it* and I do not plan on stopping yet."

"Speaking of which where exactly is it?" Jack asked finishing the wrapper.

"In Canterlot." Alfreda replied.

"What's that?"

"The capitol you Dumbass."

"You know for an immortal, you sure are up for suicide." They both got up walked to the door.

"Ok enough of that, we just head for the train and were golden."

As the approached the exit, Mrs. Cake stood at the doorway glaring at them. "You didn't pay."

"I left all my money at home. You think you could wait while I go get it?" A cage dropped down on both of them and everyone went off like nothing happened.

Juan blinked for a second before looking at their prison. "This is made of f*cking breadsticks." He said in complete disbelief at how incredibly stupid the idea of cages made of bread was. Juan proceed to show why as he then started eating the bars and growled as another revelation presented itself.

"And this shit's as stale as cardboard!" He shouted as he kicked the rest of the cage apart.

"Why would you expect them to use fresh bread?" Alfreda asked.

"It's just common courtesy, you don't see that idiot trying to ask out Twilight and just goes back to trying to do Luna."

"OH ONE TIME!" Jack said defensively.

Mrs. Cake spoke up wanting to put something to bed. "Now that would be just rude for Luna to do that to her own daughter."

Alfreda, Juan and Jack blinked once looking at her like she was a human living among ponies and was riding a dinosaur."What/Que?" they said blankly.

"Oh you poor things don't know, Luna and Discord are Twilight's parents, not those two everyone talks about."

"Pretty sure the bullshit meter can back me up on this one, I'm pretty sure Luna was on a satellite for a millennium and Discord was in stone before that, the physics alone to conceive a child in the most impossible conditions is mind boggling, and I'm not that smart." Alfreda responded, slightly ashamed at admitting his true feelings about his intelligence but felt better when compared to this idiot.

"Don't you believe in true love?"

"Yeah, but I'm positive that no matter how you word it, it's bullshit."

"In denial, just like Twilight about Rarity and Applejack being together." Juan pulled his shotgun back out, grabbed Mrs. Cake and pinned her to the wall as he aimed for her head.

"Eso es todo, voy a matar a esta perra azul molesto causa que es una mierda pura." ("That's it I'm going to kill this annoying bitch because that's pure bullshit.") Alfreda grabbed pulled Juan's arm to the side to talk to him.

"Juan, not everything has to be solved with violence, let's just let her go and recommend her to a serious psychologist on all that crazy gossip."

"Nadie habla de ella de lo que he oído. Podemos matarla ahora y sólo su familia le importaría." ("Nobody talks about her from what I heard. We can kill her now and only her family would care.")

"See yeah sure, I'm finally glad we're agreeing on something." Juan rolled his eyes with a small smile then pulled the trigger ending her life and spraying her grey matter all over the wall. Alfreda proceeded to throw up all over the table in shock as the customers ran out of the shop screaming at the sight of the murder. "Why?"

"I was gonna do it regardless, you should really learn Spanish if you wanna keep your lunch in your stomach for moments like this."

"We agreed not to kill her, I'm the one with the portal gun so I should have at least some authority."

Juan sighed as he patted him on the back walking out. "Usted tiene todo el sentido común de un gatito que no importa." ("You have all the gumption of a pussy that does not matter.")

"I don't know what that means but I automatically take offense to that."

"At least you're learning." Juan mumbled to himself as they walked out of the bakery eyes set on the train station, and snuck in through the back car.

A few hours later, they finally boarded the station falling to the ground, huffing and puffing as they caught their breaths.

"Ok minor hiccup from going off the rails because Jack just had to be craving potatoes and a bamboo stick, but it's just a streak through a bunch of stuck up idiots to get the HFIL out of here." Alfreda narrated to himself as they snuck in through the alleyways, with only one guard killed by Juan accidentally in reflex, before getting to the throne room and barricading the door. Jack gazed at the throne, then tried to fit it in his chest hatch, found little success with that, and simply tossed it out a stain glass window, revealing the mirror behind where the throne was. "Huh you were right."

"Tu eres tan tonto que tu te apareces." ("Wow you're actually not as stupid as you look.")

"Juan enough with the Spanish, I don't speak it, and I know most of what you say is just condescending remarks."

"To be completely honest, that one was actually a compliment."

"Oh, thank you. Now let's- wait, hey guys is it getting hot in here? I don't know if something's happening or if I'm having a stroke, cause I can feel my arms." Alfreda said as he felt the heat in the room change. A pot of flowers next to him ignited into flames startling him. "Ok that's not normal."

"ALFREDA! I'M GONNA KICK YOUR ASS!!" A voice shouted as something rammed into the doorway. Juan aimed his shotgun at the ready as Alfreda got into a fighting post and Jack looked around befuddled at how he was going to fight until he looked at the ground and grabbed a piece of glass shaped like a mini khopesh, and a broken chair leg.

"Nobody better mess!"

The doors were smashed in, sending pieces of splinter around, a large piece spun in place before a black hoof bearing blue armor stomped down on it. Standing in the doorway was Nightmare Moon, a white version of her with a sun cutie mark, and Chrysalis with Scorpion pincers, tail, and teeth like daggers.

"Okay that's a thing." Juan said before he counted three. "Hey where's Horse Luigi and Princess Daisy? Did they stay back to nurse Sharkface's egg sack back to functioning?"

"Every word that you've just spoke has made me violently angry." Nightmare Moon said with a murderous glare.

"Don't worry, from my data the Elements beat Nightmare, nobody got to see what it'd do on Chrysalis, we're basically immortal so this should be fun, Heck, for some reason I've always wanted to fight Daybreaker over there, evil or not."

Daybreaker let out a snarl that turned into a sinister chuckle. "It's Corona, and there's just one little thing you're missing; these are actually our forms at just 10% of our power."

"10%." Juan said with a blank face disinterested.

"Yes."

"Chicken."

"Excuse you?"

"He's calling you cowards, 10%, We've beaten up a lot of people at their peak." Alfreda replied.

"We murdered a demon of Hell twice the size of your castle." Juan added.

"We just head butted the freaky fish guy in his balls."

"He is not a freaky fish guy!" Nightmare exclaimed.

"Prove it then, kick our ass when he couldn't." Alfreda said before realizing it. "Wait what did I just say?"

Corona chuckled as her eyes glowed a little. "Our forms would tower over this city. if you're really sure that's how you wish to die..."

"Can you give us a minute to huddle. I've decided at the last minute each one of us will fight for each one of you." Alfreda asked before the three of them flew up to the peak of the mountain panting a little.

"Great going shithead." Juan said slapping Alfreda over the head.

"Hey we killed Unicron, that guy's like the size of a moon, they'll mostly be mountain size."

"I fought Unicron, barely, with help from Hot Rod and a Maguffin, while you was being crushed by Galvatron over and over." Juan replied as a rumbling shook the ground. Jack looked over the side and saw some energy arching up past them off into the distance.

"Um, guys?" Jack said in utter awe nudging Alfreda.

"Okay Jack, let's draw the straws, shortest one get's Chrysalis, middle one gets Luna, and longest gets Celestia. And to make it fair, we'll all be blindfolded." Alfreda instructed giving the other two blindfolds before putting the straws in a cup. They began to feel, their claws getting in each others way so it took longer to grab then anticipated, when Alfreda felt something soft. "Okay don't panic guys, I think a naked mole rat or something got into the cup."

Juan solved the problem with a slice from his knife, which caused Jack to scream and run away falling off the mountain.

"That wasn't a mole rat."

"Yeah it took me a second too." Alfreda said before pulling out two sticks. He told his blindfold off to see he got the longest two while Juan got the shortest. "Come on that was cheating!"

"Should've told him to keep it in his shell, also turn around." Juan said looking behind him.

Alfreda did so and gasped in surprise at the sight. It was the three they were going to fight, but they were indeed the size of the mountain, and each looked radically different.

Celestia was a burning titan with a multitude of arms, some looked to hide massive terrifying claws, her mane was nearly as big as her blazing like a swarm of whips, her even larger wings behind her, constantly changing shape, sometimes looking angelic, other times looking demonic. In the center of her chest was a black hole, which seemed to suck up the light around it to fuel her eternal flames.

Luna looked like a mix of Celestia and Tydal's forms, looking more centur then equine bearing a horse skull made of lunar stone, with two blue giants for eyes that seemed to burn for revenge against Alfreda. Her body was pitch black, the ground beneath her hooves froze solid to the touch and almost immediate proximity of her body, her wings resembling massive swirling galaxies. Surrounding her, orbiting near her shoulders, were small moons.

"Oh that's just not fair, she has to have asteroids to throw at me? Juan's doesn't even look that bad." Alfreda complained, as Chrysalis simply looked like a giant version of her 1% form.

Chrysalis looked like she heard him and a smile formed on her face, revealing massive incisors as her body seemed to break apart, revealing it to be made up of millions of drones that looked like her at her original size.

"I'm not complaining." Juan replied with a smiling making sure his shotgun was loaded.

"Any last words?" Luna asked, her voice booming across the land,

"I have many things. A friend that shoots me in the face, partial amnesia, Immortality, Last words? Are not one of them." Alfreda said with a shrug.

"Wait what do you-" Luna didn't finish as Alfreda had suddenly closed the distance between them and delivered a punch across her face sending her stumbling back a mile, which at her scale was 2 steps. Celestia zoomed in and Alfreda slid over her head, bursting into flames as he slid down her mane, the mane also whipping the absolute shit out of him like he owed the Equestrian Debt to the IRS, his body taking less than a minute to heal and adapt to the intense heat and lashings. Alfreda began to take hold on the whips and dove forward throwing Celestia over him crashing her on top of Luna. Alfreda shielded his eyes as the sheer difference in temperature from them touching caused a massive explosion that sent them flying apart in pain bearing a few minor marks.

Alfreda looked in surprise at what happened, then at him own hands that were glowing like they were in a forge. He then realized how much pain they were in and began shaking them yelping before he found a lake and shoved them in it cooling them. Alfreda sighed then looked over to see how Juan was doing.

To relabel Juan as a Slayer of Men would be an understatement.

The landscape that Chrysalis had occupied was painted with green blood with the bodies of millions of drones, Juan bearing a massive grin on his face as he fired his plasma gun at Chrysalis, the swarm producing eggs that quickly hatched replacing the ones that Juan killed, any that trying to dive in and consume him were met with denial by his chainsaw he bore in his other hand as he continued to move to avoid getting rushed. The Swarm divided into three bodies, and merged taking on three separate forms, a Bug Bear, a Chimera, and Cerberus. Juan simply smiled as he holstered his chainsaw, then put his plasma gun in his chest hatch and replaced it with a Gauss Cannon, firing a shot as he jumped back, blowing off the snake head and half the Tiger head of the chimera, releasing a couple drones that dove to attack. Juan switched to his Chaingun and fired keeping back the Chimera and Cerberus as the Bug Bear dove and managed to grab Juan flying up with him, and beginning to break apart into the Swarm. It didn't finish as Juan interrupted pulling out his Two Handed Chainsaw from his chest hatch, slashing it in two and free falling towards Alfreda before he deployed his wings and touched down next to him.

"Any idea how to keep em down long enough to get to the mirror?" He asked. "Started to get bored now."

"I have an idea, and a confession to make. I do have the Anti Matter Gun. I piss them off and they try to smite us, you fire the BFG, I'll fire the gun at it and it'll cause a massive explosion that'll knock em out and send us flying."

"Wow. That was actually thought out. How does your thought process work like that?"

"I have no idea." Alfreda replied before turning to the sisters who were moving slowly as they were slightly hurt by Alfreda's trick. "HEY USELESS PRINCESSES! I DON'T BELIEVE IN WHAT YOU WANT ME TO, OPPRESS ME FOR DISOBEYING, I COULD DO THIS ALL DAY!"

Luna and Celestia's eyes light up with rage as their magic began to build up around their long horns, each a maelstrom of power themed around the respected sister.

"Ok. On the count of three get the BFG out." Alfreda said as he pulled out the Anti-Matter Gun. "One..."

As Juan pulled out the BFG in preparation, Alfreda didn't make it to two as bursting out from the ground in front of them was Tidal at 40%, with a vortex of power swirling between his horns that then fired, Celestia and Luna's blasts zooming passed him, along with two moons from Luna.

"Three!" Juan shouted as he pulled the trigger, charging up then firing the green blast, already arching out to the ones that had fired their blasts, one arch even reaching behind Alfreda and Juan hitting Chrysalis, Alfreda then aimed ahead of the ball and fired just as the four beams connected. In a nanosecond of an instant, the energy collapsed in on itself into a singularity then nothingness, negating the explosion that would've wiped half the planet clean of life, however the shockwave remained and rocketed out, the vibrations in the ground able to be felt all the way to the Dragonlands, and the depths of Seaquestria.

Neither Alfreda or Juan were able to see what happened to the God Squad when the explosion beforehand and were just glad to be still alive. When they got a good looked at their surroundings, they saw most of the areas was flattened, trees across the area had been ripped up and littered everywhere, the two moons that were thrown were now meteorite chunks scattered around the area, resembling the remains of a dead civilization unearth by their battle. They spotted Celestia in a crater near them, unconscious, bruised, and beaten. Drawing the same conclusion upon realizing the other were most likely in this state as well, they high tailed back to the castle, where Jack sat shaking.

"Whatever you did to cause that explosion was awesome!"

"Try that little trick again and I'll slice deeper."

"Duly noted." Alfreda shot a blast from the Portal Gun at the mirror, the surface rippled before turning a royal purple. Juan quickly ran in, but as Alfreda and Jack tried to, someone spoke up.

"Enough!" Alfreda and Jack turned to see Cadence standing in the doorway looking very mad backed up by Shining Armor.

"Hey it's the God of Denny's, you know the first time I went there you took too long with my order but managed to get Alfreda's order done by the time we decided to leave." Jack complained.

"You're under arrest for the assault of the Royalty of the Equestrian, Capricorn, and Changeling Kingdoms." Cadence declared.

"By whose authority? You? Queen Sex Addicts Anonymous with gawking from the sidelines by God of Knock Off IHOP?" Alfreda asked kissing his IHOP card with respect.

Crashing through the wall left of Alfreda and Jack was Nightmare Moon and Corona, the latter's mane ablaze in unyielding rage.

"Chicken Brothers, Retreat!" Alfreda declared, Jack following behind him, barely avoiding a beam as they fell through. They got up off the floor and looked around them seeing they were at the top of a cliff face, the portal thankfully dissipated, and Juan was looking around then turned to them.

"Mira quien llego el puta patrol." ("Well look who's here, the Bitch Patrol.")

"Well we're happy to see you too. Uh Alfreda didn't you have another arm?"

Alfreda saw his left arm was burnt off but mearly shrugged and grew it back. "Well that's another universe to avoid."

"Stop focusing on just getting home man. Seriously just find a lady."

"I think I know one for you Jack. Her name's Gravity." Alfreda replied grabbing Jack and throwing him off the cliff sending him plummeting down. "He forgot he could fly didn't he?"

"Yep. Don't care." Juan replied.

Location: Earth Primax 703.02 Gamma

The Spatter finished stripping the metal off the dead cybertronians, the last reason to stay on this inert mud ball being carried off from the graveyard of bodies, picked clean of all it could provide. As he tossed the parts into the cart, a shadow rose up in front of him, he turned around to see Anti-Matter with a patient look on her face, startling him.

"What is the patient's condition?" She asked.

"Nearly perfect. All the modes are intact. We just need a new replacement for the car mode." The Spatter replied handing a tablet to her, showing Alfreda's progress.

"I think our prey will eventually provide us with just the right one." Anti-Matter deduced with a smile, eyeballing Footage of Juan Mufungo in a Warthog absolutely decimating his opposition.

Author's Note

This universe is from the interesting mind of defender2222 granted by his permission.

*1. See Immortal Wirewolf Teamup's #1: DOOM

*2. See Immortal Wirewolf Teamup's #2: Rick and Morty

*3. Again, see Immortal Wirewolf Teamup's #1: Doom

Before you get crazy, those little tags to those stories I never wrote are there as jokes since the setting of the series has always been more comic focused in some areas. I just put them to plant the idea that Alfreda interacted with Doomguy and other people not seen and how well it must've turn out based on reactions from being reminded of their ordeals.

Keep every word in the Anti-Matter scenes in mind...