The Road Lonesome

Anon Boarded the express train pulling out the ticket he had bought while sipping at the ice cold fizzy drink he had bought. He sat at the vacant seat and waited for the train to take off. A few more passengers boarded and sat around the carriage. There was fifteen in all, including Anon. He cracked his neck and switched the song on his Ipod shuffle to one that better suited the mood.

He thought that Bohemian rhapsody, was a good idea. The song began to play after a few seconds as the train shot off. Anon sipped his drink a few times, he looked at the pony directly across from him.

She was a Platinum colored little thing, with a beautiful liberty blue mane, and a pair of light carmine pink eyes. Anon had seen her a few times here and there. If he recalled correctly her name was Silver Driver, daughter of a professional miner in the crystal north. She was fairly nice whenever she was with another pony, but she was more a keep to themselves type.

The train's conductor said something about the train going to arrive at the station in a few minutes.

Anon looked around to try and find more ponies that he knew.

A few seats off to his left was a pony called Silk River, She was an Azure blue unicorn with an ash grey mane and blue-magenta violet eyes. She was the owner of a shop up in Canterlot, she was one of the few ponies that wasn't interested in Anons, 'Physical' appearance. She was actually one who loved an intelligent chat.

Anon looked over to the two ponies who were chatting at the far end of the carriage.

The first was Cherry Bliss, a claret color unicorn with a blonde mane, her eyes were coffee brown. She sat chatting with her spouse, Chrome Note.

Chrome was a dark liver grey colored Pegasus with a dim grey mane and tail, he always wore sunglasses that had a chrome like outer look that reflected everything, they also had a chrome frame. His eyes in reality were gamboge colored.

Chrome Note was a D.J like Vinyl Scratch, he didn't play the clubs she did but he was an up and coming star. He liked to act, and was in all a massive asshole. He'd been done for drug use once, but got let off cause he had a good lawyer.

Anon tilted his head to the left and closed his left eye, he scanned the train a little more. There was a pony colored Honeydew white with a hunter green mane and tail, and Harvard crimson eyes. But anon hadn't met him yet, there were quiet a lot of ponies he hadn't met as of yet.

Anon finished off his drink and crushed the can between his hands. Letting out a burp as he put the flattened can into his pocket. Soon the train arrived at the station, and the carriage was emptied. Anon hailed a cab and got to the Canterlot Museum a little after three.

Anon stepped over the low police tape, and into the scene. Immediately a guard stopped him.

"Halt," The guard said.

"Seems this guy's bin livin' under a rock for the past year," Anon muttered to himself.

"And you are?" the guard questioned.

"Princess fucking Luna," Anon replied sarcastically.

"You look nothing like the princess of the night."

"Yeah but you look like a dumb ass," Anon said, pressing his index finger against the guard's forehead.

"Are you supposed to be here?"

"Are you my mother?"

"No."

"Good, now fuck off and get me a coffee."

The guard's face turned bright red.

"This is a crime scene and civilians are not supposed to be here," The guard hissed.

"This is a crime scene and dumb asses aren't supposed to be here either, now fuck off."

"I can't let you go in there sir."

"I'm Anon you twat."

The guard then realized that the local, and only human of Equestria was supposed to come and help out with the investigation.

"Oh sorry sir," The guard apologized, sheepishly.

Anon pulled a face and flapped is hands while mimicking the guard, "Ehhck Shorry Fer."

The guard then moved away. The crime scene surrounded the Museum and about a block of streets, In Anons world there would be a hell of a lot of traffic now, but since Equestria was mainly foot traffic there was no big problem.

Anon walked down the alleyway to the side door, it seemed to be fine. He then turned and looked at the strew of a crime scene down the way.

Anon then pulled out his Ipod and switched the song to the Mission Impossible theme song.

He looked about the large scene outside. It seemed that a crowbar had been left laying next to an open manhole. The cover was only a foot or so away. Anon picked up the crowbar and examined it closely. No marks, no dents, no scratches, no chipped paint, this thing was good as new.

Suppose an old one would make the job harder. Anon put the crowbar back in place, then stood up and went towards the Museum's side door.

There would be more evidence where the crime actually happened. He went through the broken entrance and up the few steps there. When he entered the main room he soon realized this was a professional job. Only one shot fired to make sure that they were heard. The cases were all broken in rather than in any way possible, and all the valuable stuff was gone.

The 'kids' as Anon referred to them were with miss Cheerilee in the corner near the exit. The receptionists and a few tour guides were all near the front desk.

Anon fished an apple out of his jacket and took a bite. He then walked over the the receptionists and tour guides in a fashion that said 'there's nothing wrong here'.

Anon was good at being a cop, he would have made detective when he was in the force but turned it down every time. He let someone else take the credit so he could stay a cop.

He didn't even want to have the desk part of the job. But he had it anyway, paperwork was the devil.

But now he was a cop that didn't have to deal with paperwork.

Anon stopped next to the five ponies and took another bite of his apple.

"Hi," He said with his mouth full, "I'd like to ashk you a few queshtionsh."

Anon swallowed his bit of apple.

"Any of you see anything?"

There was one receptionist working the front desk at the time, the rest came a little later in the day.

"Yes," A Light magenta mare said.

"So," Anon began, taking a bite of his apple, "Shee the perpsh?"

"Yes, one was Black with a white mane and tail, another was opposite colored, as in white with a black mane and tail, There were three others, one was uh, really white with a green mane, he had a really creepy smile, then there was a female one that was really light pink with a white mane, most of them where white somewhere."

"And the Fifth one?"

"He-he was brown, completely, they all used ear pieces to communicate with some pony that was running the operation outside."

"Anything else?"

"No."

"Got a tooth-pick?"

The magenta mare then produced a small wooden tooth-pick and passed it to Anon. "Thanks."

Anon then began to saunter over to the class of kids, and Cherilee who seemed to be being spoken to by a guard. Anon took another large bite out of his apple, and lined up a shot with the guard's head.

He then piffed the apple as hard as possible at the guard. The apple flew through the air and hit the guard's helmet with a resonating bonk. That vibrated through the Armour.

The guard immediately spun around, very upset at whomever threw the apple at him.

"What was that for?" He questioned loudly.

"Cause you weren't looking," Anon replied nonchalant.

"Your an ass."

"You forgot the hole."

"What?"

"B'dum Tish."

The guard then sighed. "So your the one that's supposed to help with the investigation?"

"No it's uh, the other human that lives in Equestria and is a cop, Obviously it couldn't possibly ever be me."

"Yeah yeah, real funny, funny man."

"Whatcha got?"

"Not much, just three students were taken hostage and taken during the getaway."

"Names?"

"I haven't gotten as far as i should have."

"What? Eating your high grade doughnuts and drinking your Chai latte Then waltzing in cause you felt like it and didn't get ol' Receptionist over there, to give you the down low on what your looking for."

"Your intuition is astounding."

"Wait what? I got it right?"

"You go ahead at talk with Cherilee here, I'll go over there and hope, to all that is holy you can't guess something else about me."

The guard walked past Anon. "Who in hell drinks Chai Latte's, no actually, who in the fuck Waltzes?"

Anon then blinked and looked back at the group of thirty -give or take this is Anon we're talking about- filly's and colts'. And Cherilee the lavender purple mare.

"Hey girlfriend," Anon said in a perfect mimic black woman voice.

"Hey Anon," Cherilee replied, looking at the clipboard.

"Whasamatterwichoo?"

"Three Filly's that i was supposed to look after have been taken hostage in a major crime."

"Larceny and kidnapping."

"Yeah and your still the ass that payed for half of this field trip, 'Museums are more fun than falling off buildings,' remember?"

"Shish, if i knew you were gonna be like that after Sweetie, Applebloom and Scoots were kidnapped i wouldn't of come."

"Your an ass with the most amazing memory skills i have ever seen."

"Yes i am."

"Your going to make me hug you now aren't you?"

"You want a hug?"

"No."

"Ah your such a buzz kill man."

"And your supposed to be finding three missing students before i lose my job."

"And i am going to do that, soon."

"Really?"

"Noooooooooooope."

"Go away."

"Hug?"

"Anon."

"Ah your so boring."

"Go do your job."

"Hug?"

"Anon, for the sake of all that is good in this world i will hurt you."

Anon then turned and walked towards the entrance the criminals had taken out of the building.

"Hey Anon, there's some burnt cloth in the toilets over here," a guard called out.

"So?"

"You might want to take a look at it!"

"You might want to stick it where the sun don't shine, cracker."

Anon for the life of him couldn't remember when he became such an asshole. But still, he was a good cop. A very racist, hypocritical, psychotic cop.

Anon walked out of the building and walked over to the open manhole.

"Hmmm, Man-Hole, that sounds like something I'd say when interrogating someone, Open His Man Hole."

Anon then looked around to see a guard that seemed to be on his break snickering to the joke.

"Hey, that's my joke, not yours."

"No problem bud, you just keep makin' 'em," the guard laughed.

Anon then squatted down next to the manhole, he could already smell the cesspit that awaited him at the bottom.

"Hey bud, I'll bring ya back a cup of whatever is in a cup down there."

Anon then looked down the hole and began to climb down, the wrong part, he slipped and fell a few feet to the walkway beneath.

"SHEET OF PAPER!" he shouted as he fell.

When Anon got back up he had very small rings of some sort of excrement covering his back.

He then scanned the area for any chances he might get a clue of where the criminals had gone off to. The main sewer line lead right down out to a massive grate about a half mile across the mountain. Down from there was a massive tube that went seamlessly into the mountain to a sewage treatment plant, where they sterilized the water and cleaned it.

Anon had been there once, they had fresh corn pieces for lunch there. Anon assumed it came from the 'corn filter' they used to sort things that weren't liquid or, 'Soggy enough to pass through the grate'. He almost gagged when he found out they called it the corn filter.

He could imagine it being cleaned and sugared then put in those frozen corn packages.

It put him off corn. For about ten minutes.

Anon looked about the sewers, after the weekly system flush out it was damn near impossible to find anything.

Suddenly Anon slipped on what felt like a diamond bracelet. When he managed to stand out of the 'Godknowswhat' he picked the bracelet up. It didn't have much in the look of expensive, it looked quiet fake on account it was covered in 'Godknowswhat'.

Anon pocketed the jewelry and continued to snoop.

Until he slipped again and wound up in three feet of 'OnlyGodKnowsWhat'. If he'd screamed he would have gotten a mouthful of something, and caught some disease that only stays in your mouth.

He stood up and brushed off the goop as best he could, then continued about the little area. He walked a little while passing open tubes.

Open tubes that occasionally spewed forth some sort of liquid that felt like it should never have been put down the toilet.

Soon Anon reached the final exit tube to the sewers. The crooks would have most likely taken this one, it was about a quarter mile from the Museum and exited right out to the outer parts of Canterlot.

Further down the line was just more open tubes that Anon wanted to block with the pony that flushed whatever came out on Anon when he came past.

He clambered out of the sewer, slipping and falling six times on account of him being covered in a liquid that had a smell he was damn sure was never going to come out. After he exited the sewer he managed to find little markings he'd seen in heist cases. It was hard to find the route but still.

Anon had been an undercover cop more than once, he knew how Mappers worked.

This one seemed rather good and sure of themselves. But Anon was much better, he could not only imagine where they went he could feel it.

And whatever was dripping down his neck then going down his back.

Anon followed the trail until he reached a dead end alley, Only three buildings on this block had entrances onto the street. And one of the building's looked abandoned.

"Fuck, no brainer here," Anon said, "It's the abandoned one."

He then walked over the the building and pushed on the door. It fell open with a resounding thump that echoed through the building.

'Shis,' Anon thought.

He then side stepped over the door and into the building. He then trekked up the stairs.

That didn't support his weight on account of them being made a fucking thousand years ago.

He dropped right through the first set of stairs and into the basement. He stood up, and seemed to be in what looked like an abandoned group hideout.

With a map of locations, Anon pulled out his Ipod, which didn't seem to have any damage from the river of shit he had fallen into. He changed the song to Spirit in the sky, by Norman Greenbaum. One of his favorite musicians.

He picked the map up and put it in an oddly readily prepared plastic bag.

He then put it in his jacket and tried to get back out of the building.

It took twenty two hours to reach the first floor.