Proper Insanity

“MUFFIN! I live in a MUFFIN!” Derpy protested. “Anyways… let’s go inside. You can meet the kids and The Doctor.”

“Okay, then… I guess…” Robert wasn’t that sure about staying at some random pegasus’s place. I don’t even know her, or her husband. Something just feels off about this. Why would some random pegasus let me stay at her—this is a mushroom… A big, white-bottomed mushroom... with a red-and-blue-spotted top… I’m staying the night… in a giant, colourful mushroom…

Derpy flew over to the door that was awkwardly carved into the house wall. She signalled for Robert to enter. “Come on in!” Then she turned towards the house and proceeded to holler “I’M HOOOOOOOME! And I brought a friend!”

“MOMMY!” A small unicorn came running to the door. She had a light blonde mane, similar to Derpy’s, while her coat was a bit more purple than her mother’s. Robert also noticed that the filly had no cutie mark whatsoever.

“Oh, boy… the winged wonder is home.” This time a larger unicorn walked to the door casually, despite the odd circumstance. Her mane was a dark purple with lavender highlights, opposed to the usual, blonde mane. She was about twice as large as the smaller one and she was much more purple. This one had a cutie mark of what appeared to be three, fine-cut diamonds.

“Who is the new friend, mommy? Is he nice? Is he fun? Does he tell jokes?” the younger one pestered.

“Well, I just have to ask your father, but he may be staying with us a few nights. In the meantime, why don’t you find out for yourself? Remember, behave,” Derpy lectured.

The young filly’s eyes grew bright. “YOU MEAN WE GET TO KEEP HIM?!” Dinky bounced with joy.

“No, Dinky. He’s not a pet. He’s an intelligent being, like me, you, or dad.” the elder butted in.

Did she purposely leave her mom out? Nah…

“Anyways, you two get to know him but don’t bother him too much,” Derpy cautioned, “if I hear that you guys have upset him…” She turned to Robert. “Same goes for you; if I find out that you laid…” Derpy started to yell but suddenly stopped. She stared into thin air for a few seconds, dazed.

What’s going on? Why isn’t she moving?

Derpy snapped back to reality. “Sorry… Anyways, you three have fun!”

“Don’t worry; we’ll take care of him. You go and find dad. We’ll make him comfortable,” the elder replied.

“Okay!” And with that, the grey pegasus left.

“Well, I guess it’s just us two now,” Sparkler stated.

“What about Dinky?” Robert retorted.

Sparkler turned to Dinky. “Hey Dinky, wanna go play with your toys?”

“I WANNA LEARN ABOUT THE SPACEMAN!!!” Dinky loudly replied.

“Ugh… Well, I guess it’s just the three of us…” Sparkler groaned.

“So… shall we actually go inside or are we just going to stand here awkwardly?” Robert asked.

“I guess…” Sparkler replied, bemused.

“TO THE SIT ROOM!” the young filly shouted, dashing off into the house.

“You know… we could just ditch her and have some fun of our own.” Sparkler said, disregarding her little sister.

"Why would we do that? She seems like she's up for some fun," Robert answered, confused.

The large unicorn sighed, but then continued on towards a fairly decent-sized room with four chairs, a table, a couch, and an over-excited filly.

“So, spaceman…  what’s your name?” Dinky asked.

“Me? I’m Robert. And, I assume, you would be Dinky,” Robert said, sitting down on the couch.

“He… He knows my name… ALL HAIL THE ALL-KNOWING SPACEMAN!” Dinky shouted. She was bowing down to Robert, or at least the pony equivalent to bowing. This brought a smile to Robert’s face, until he felt something press down on his right shoulder. He flinched, drew back, and turned to what was applying force to his shoulder. When he turned his head, he almost hit Sparkler’s in the process.

“What were you doing?” Robert asked.

“You had a long day, so I figured that you could use a shoulder massage,” Sparkler replied.

“You couldn’t find a way that didn’t involve your head being so close to mine?”

“Well, I don’t have hands, my hooves would do more damage than they would mend, so the only option left would be my chin, hence why my head was close to yours.” Sparkler explained. ”Relax.”

“Oh, I guess that makes sense,” Robert replied. After this, she went back to rubbing her head against his shoulders. Robert still felt a bit awkward, but he went along with it as not to be rude.

“So, spaceman… what do you do for fun?” Dinky continued.

“I don’t do much… I usually just play games, eat, or sleep. That’s basically the extent of my entertainment,” Robert answered.

“Really? What kinds of games?” Dinky asked, hopping up and down.

“Nothing much, just some war games,” Robert replied.

“What’s a war?” the young filly inquired.

“You know, like The Great Equestrian War, when The Solar Empire had to join forces with The Lunar Republic to stop The Crossed from invading Equestria,” Sparkler explained, “I had Applejack and Rarity help me with my report on it.”

“Wait, what are the—” Robert was suddenly interrupted by a large, brown pony entering the room. He had a dark brown mane and an hourglass for a cutie mark. Derpy followed him out, smiling.

“I came as soon as I heard the news! So… an alien? I know what to do with you…!” the brown pony exclaimed. Without warning, he charged for Robert. He stopped by dragging his back hooves across the ground and landed right in front of the nervous human. “Jump on my back!”

“I’m sorry, what?” Robert questioned.

“I said ‘jump on my back’!” the brown pony repeated.

“It’s okay, just jump on his back,” Derpy said, reassuringly. To this, Robert nodded his head and slowly climbed on top of the brown pony. As soon as he gained his balance, the pony charged at the wall with no signs of slowing down.

CRASH!

He slammed into the wall, throwing both himself and Robert to the ground.

“Decent. He may stay,” the pony announced, shaking his head to compose himself.

What the hell just happened?

“YAY! THE SPACE MAN CAN STAY!” the small filly exclaimed, bouncing up and down, spinning in circles.

Robert stood up and headed over to Sparkler. “What did he just do?” Robert asked, rubbing his throbbing head.

“Oh, that’s just dad being dad; nothing unusual... well, for his normal behaviour. There’s nothing usual about him compared to other ponies,” Sparkler answered. “He’s always been like this; never really thought anything of it.”

“Well, we should get something to eat,” Derpy added.

“Dinky and dad already ate. I wasn’t really hungry at the time,” Sparkler announced.

“It looks like it’s the three of us, then…” Robert commented.

“That would be right! The younger and I DID eat! WHAT A FEAST IT WAS! HA! I shall be off. THINGS TO DO! Time to leap!” the large brown pony shouted at alternating volumes. He sped off clumsily, stumbling every so often.

There’s something wrong with that pony…

“I’m off to go help dad with his wibbly-wobbly timey-wimey stuff!” Dinky proudly declared as she bounced off in the same direction of the larger, brown pony.

“Shall we eat here or go out?” Sparkler inquired.

“Well, I don’t think many places serve food fit for Robert, so the plan was to eat here,” Derpy explained.

“I’m sure there’s someplace…” Sparkler protested. “Tell you what, you stay here and watch over dad, to make sure he doesn’t blow anything or anypony up, and I’ll take Robert out for lunch. I could also show him around town, like a tour.”

“I guess, if it’s alright with him,” Derpy replied.

“Yeah, I guess,” Robert agreed. “If I’m going to be stuck here, I might as well learn my way around town.”

“Sounds like a plan! What time should we be home?” Sparkler asked.

“Just be home for dinner,” Derpy answered.

Annoyed by this answer, Sparkler groaned and asked, “Okay… now what TIME will dinner be served?”

“Just be home for six o’clock,” Derpy replied, sighing.

“Fine.” Sparkler turned to Robert. “Are you ready to go?”

“Ready as I’ll ever be… considering all of my current possessions consist of the clothes that I’m wearing right now…” Robert answered.

“Well, that seems like a yes. We’re off,” Sparkler said as she turned toward the entrance corridor. She started walking away and Robert joined shortly after.

“Have fun!” Derpy’s voice echoed.

“Ya, ya. Whatever…” Sparkler responded, walking away. She opened the front door with her hoof and then carried on, Robert following closely behind. The human clumsily closed the door behind with some difficulty, as this wasn’t the standard door that he was used to. “Well, we’re free. What do you want to do?”

       Robert’s stomach growled. “Weren’t we going to get something to eat?” Robert asked, trying to talk over the hunger-induced noises emanating from his body.

       “Right. Well, what are you in the mood for?” Sparkler inquired. “We got lots of food in this town.”

       “Anything that isn’t plants…” Robert answered.

       “So… Milk and eggs?” Sparkler seemed a bit put off by the idea, but she perked up almost a split second later. “Well, I know a diner that makes great eggs!”

       “Well, do they have any—” Robert stopped himself short. What am I thinking? I can’t ask if they serve bacon! They’re talking horses; I doubt asking ‘Where’s a good place to eat butchered and fried pigs?’ would be a good idea.

       “Have any…?”

       “Oh, nothing. Never mind. Let’s go.” Robert didn’t feel like explaining himself to Sparkler.

       “Okay, then, follow me,” Sparkler told Robert. She started to walk off to town with Robert following. He stayed by her side, lagging behind a little.

       After about five minutes of walking, Robert decided to break the silence. “So, is your father always like that?”

       “Yeah,” Sparkler replied, looking at the ground, “he does stuff like that a lot. He’s always going off about some time adventure or saving the world. Most of the time, he just locks himself in the garden shed, yelling something about a ‘Tardis.’ Some ponies make fun of him because of the way he acts but he never seems bothered by it.” Sparkler’s confession of her father made Robert feel a bit uncomfortable about staying at their house.

Is it safe to stay near that pony? How do I know that I can trust him? Wait… I’m staying in HIS house. I should be grateful… so why do I feel more nervous about going back to that house?

       “There it is,” Sparkler noted, throwing her head to the right, pointing out a small building with a large sign that read, simply, “Eighty 8,” in bold black letters. “This place makes good eggs.”

       The two made their way inside of the establishment. Many of the ponies in the diner gave them weird looks. Looks of disgust, looks of hate, looks of inquiry, but mostly just looks with no real expression.

       “Why do they keep looking at me like that?” Robert whispered quietly to Sparkler.

       “We don’t get many humans, and the few we get usually do terrible things,” Sparkler answered.

       “Then why are you hanging around me if I am such a threat?” Robert asked.

       “Well…” Sparkler’s cheeks grew bright red. She looked slightly uncomfortable by the thought of answering that question.

Maybe she doesn’t have many friends. None of the other ponies said ‘Hi’ to her on our way here…

       “To be honest…” Sparkler paused.

       “Look, you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to. Let’s just find a seat and finally eat something! I’m so hungry, I could eat a—” THE HELL WAS I ABOUT TO SAY?! ‘EAT A HORSE’?! THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?!

       “Eat a…?” Sparkler questioned.

       “Nothing! Never mind… Let’s just eat!” Robert quickly replied.

       “Okay…” Sparkler said, dismissing the previous statement. “Where do you want to sit?”

       “That table seems empty,” Robert said as he pointed to a table almost directly in the center of the restaurant. “Let’s just grab that one.”

       “Sure!” Sparkler replied with an odd amount of pep.

       As they made their way over to the table, heads turned to look at them but Robert was growing used to this so he didn’t really care anymore. As they sat down, Sparkler’s horn lit up with a bright, purple light. Almost instantly, her menu gave off a similar glow and it started to levitate.

       “What’s with the glowing horn?” Robert inquired.

       “Oh, this?” Sparkler replied, “This is just how I move stuff around. All unicorns can do magic.”

       “Magic...? As in, like, smoke-and-mirrors, pulling a rabbit out of a hat?”

       “Not really,” Sparkler continued, “Right now, I’m physically interacting with the paper. I see it in my mind and it happens. Other than that, I’m not sure how it works. You should ask Twilight if you’re interested.”

       “Don’t think that’s happening any time soon...” Robert thought aloud.

       “And why would that be?” Sparkler asked.

       “I was told not to return,” Robert answered. “Something about a dragon...”

       “Oh, right...” Sparkler remembered. “Poor Spike... Doubt he’ll ever be the same.”

       “What happened to him?” Robert inquired.

       “You’re gonna have to ask Pinkie Beam about that... I don’t know the entire story, but she probably would,” Sparkler explained, staring off into space.

If I’m going to have to go on a scavenger hunt to find out, screw it...

       “Anyhoof, when will we get some damned service?” Sparkler asked, stomping her hoof on the table.

       “Relax; we just sat down,” Robert said. “Give them some time. They probably don’t even know we’re here, yet.”

       “I guess... So, what else do you do in your spare time?”

       “What do you mean?” Robert asked, slightly confused.

       “Earlier, you said that you like to play games. What else do you do?”

       “To be honest... not much... That’s about it...” Robert said, reddening at the cheeks. He wanted to sound more interesting than this but he didn’t want to lie.

       “There’s got to be something else that you do...”

       “Actually, I’m writing a book, if that counts... I don’t really work on it that much, though...”

       “A book?” Sparkler asked enthusiastically. “What’s it about?”

       “Nothing... you wouldn’t care.”

       “Try me.”

       “Well, it’s about two orphans who grow up together, having to fight for their right to live with each other.”

       “Sounds like a good story. How far have you gotten?”

       “Well, not really that far... I rarely work on it... Hell, chapter three took months to complete.” She can’t really be this interested... can she? Or are colourful ponies just really that nice?

       “Guess writing isn’t your cutie mark...”

       “Guess not... So wait, what does your cutie mark represent?”

       Sparkler started to whoosh her hair around exaggeratedly. “Can’t you tell? It’s because I DAZZLE, darling.” Sparkler replied in a German accent.

       The two burst out into laughter, causing some heads to turn. Amidst the laughter, Sparkler managed to fit in “so, let’s hear more about you.”

       “What do you mean?” Robert replied, calming down from his laughing fit.

       “Well, for one, what’s it like in the human world?”

       “Well… not as colourful, I can tell you that. Less ponies.”

       “Well, that much, I assumed. What I meant was, what is your life like in the human world? Do you have any friends? Do you live with your parents? Do you have a girlfriend?”

       "Look, I don't like it when people like you ask all these types of questions and I would appreciate it if you would stop." Robert said, firmly grasping his menu. What right does she have to ask me about that kind of stuff? I hate intrusive people like that!

       Sparkler sank into her chair. With a melancholy voice, She replied “I-I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you, I just wanted to—”

       “Sorry for the long wait! May I take your order?” A familiar voice boomed from behind. Robert turned around in shock. He saw Pinkie Pie standing there in a full uniform with a notepad in her hoof and a pen in her mouth. How she could enunciate with a pen in her mouth the way she did, Robert had no idea. All he knew was that Pinkie Pie was taking his order.

       Sparkler also snapped to an emotion of shock. “You work here? I thought you worked at the bakery!”

       “I don’t and I do!” Pinkie shouted, rather excited about something. “I work at the bakery but not here. I used to work here and they said I could keep the uniform if I left! It’s a nice uniform! I was just walking down this street, looked into the window, and thought to myself ‘You know who I haven’t talked to in over 10 minutes? Princess Celestia. I haven’t sent her a letter for months!’ Then I saw you guys and I hopped right on in and decided it would be fun to act like I still work here! I liked my job here. Lots of people to talk to. It’s a shame they don’t let me work here anymore. It’s kinda busy so they might not even notice me this time! So Robert, where’d you pick up this fine looking gal, huh? I’m kidding. I know Sparkler! I know EVERYPONY! Speaking of which, I still need to get you to my party! Come with me!”

       Before he had any time to react, Pinkie had already grabbed Robert and they were out the door.

       “Where are we going?” Robert asked.

       “We’re going to the bakery basement since I wasn’t allowed to set up in the main floor of the bakery. I had to make the party SOMEPLACE, so why not there? Don’t worry; I made sure everything was nice and cozy for you. I even have normal, human food for you!” Pinkie Pie answered, still dragging Robert across the ground by his shirt.

Human food? Maybe I can FINALLY get something to eat! I’m starving! Robert grew more and more excited to go to this alleged party thrown for him. “So, will there be others there as well?”

       “Well, from the sounds of it, you’ve already met my other friends, and I don’t know many ponies that are human-friendly. A lot of humans do bad things, but you won’t do anything bad. I’ll make sure—“ Pinkie stopped halfway through her sentence. “HEY! It’s Rainbow Dash! HEY DASHIE! DOWN HERE!”

       Robert looked up to see a blue pegasus with a rainbow-coloured mane soaring through the sky. The blue pony stopped almost instantly and started flying towards the ground.

       “Hey, Pinkie. What’s up?” the blue pegasus asked.

This must me Rainbow Dash… Wait… red, orange, yellow…

       “Since when do you wear clothes?” she asked Pinkie.

...green, blue, indigo…

       “SINCE EVER! I wouldn’t want to gallop around naked in front of our new guest, now would I, Dashie?” Pinkie replied.

...No violet… WHY IS THERE NO VIOLET?!

       “Uh, Pinkie… we’re generally naked… We actually have to put clothes on to be seductive…” Rainbow Dash argued.

       “That’s not how it is to our friend here, and I’m going by his rules.” Pinkie rebutted.

       “Anyhoof, where are you guys headed?” Rainbow Dash asked.

       “Well,” Robert replied, “Pinkie was taking me to the bakery basement so we could have a party for my arrival… Is that normal?”

       “Th-th-th-the bakery b-basement?! NO WAY! YOU’RE COMING WITH ME!” Rainbow Dash shouted as she wrapped her hooves around him from the back and flew away.

Oh, joy… another lift… This time literally… “Where are we going now?”

       “ANYWHERE THAT’S AWAY FROM THAT BASEMENT OF HERS!” Dash shouted to Robert as she flew above the clouds in a random direction.

       “Mind telling me why?”

       “NO TIME TO EXPLAIN! JUST TRUST ME! I’M BEING HONEST WITH YOU, IT’S FOR YOUR OWN SAFETY!”

       “Okay, MIND TELLING ME WHY YOU’RE SHOUTING?!” Robert yelled, mimicking Rainbow Dash.

       “WELL, WE MAY OR MAY NOT ONLY BREAK THE SOUND BARRIER, BUT ALSO THE LIGHT SPECTRUM!” The sound of passing air grew louder and louder, causing Robert to barely hear Rainbow Dash, even while she was yelling.

       “WAIT, LIGHT SPECTRUM?! HOW DO YOU BREAK THAT?! WOULDN’T IT BE BEYOND DANGEROUS TO EVEN BREAK THE SOUND BARRIER?!”

       “IF YOU EXPECT THE PHYSICS OF TWO UNIVERSES TO BE THE EXACT SAME, YOU’RE NOT GONNA GO FAR, KID!”

       “WAIT, TWO UNIVERSES?!” To this, Rainbow Dash did not reply. Robert figured that the air was too loud for her to hear his question or for him to hear her answer. After flying around for about two minutes in noise-induced silence, Rainbow Dash finally started to slow down and land. She landed in a familiar field.

       “We should be safe over here. Well, welcome to my home!” Rainbow Dash announced as she pointed off in the distance.

       “Don’t you live on clouds?” Robert asked. “You’re just pointing to a field of nothing.”

       “How do you know about my cloud house? Anyways, this is in Equestria, is it not? Therefore, it’s my home. Nopony here but us, now. No one to hear your screams!” Rainbow Dash said menacingly as she inched closer to Robert. He started backing away slowly, unsure of what was about to happen. “RELAX! I’m joking. So, Robert was it? What brings you to Equestria?”

       “Actually, I was about to ask you. You said something about two universes… Do you know what’s going on?”

       “Only what Twilight rambled on about. From what I caught, I know that there are two universes. The human universe, which you’re pretty familiar with, and the universe containing Equestria. Twilight said she plugged up the connection between the two, but the fact that I’m talking to you means that either you’ve been hiding for a couple of months or that Twilight screwed up. Considering the fact that Celestia hasn’t shown up, yet, I’m guessing the latter.”

       “Wow… You really know a lot about this…”

       “Well, Twilight does… But you would know that… By the way…” Rainbow Dash leaned in close to Robert and whispered conspiratorially, “…who is best pony?”

       Baffled, Robert asked “What do you mean?”

       “Wait… You don’t know who I am?”

       “You’re Rainbow Dash… I think…”

       “Did you know about us prior to visiting Equestria?”

       “Uh… no… No, I did not…”

       “Oh…” Dash said in a solemn tone. “I don’t know whether to be happy or sad…”

       “Why?”

       “On one hoof, you won’t be fangirling all over me. On another hoof, you don’t know about the awesomeness that is Rainbow Dash.”

       “That was quite egotistical of you.”

       Rainbow Dash grew a fierce look on her face as she scratched at the ground with her front right hoof. “You had better keep your testicles where they are or I’m gonna—”

       “NO!” Robert shouted as he kneeled over, protecting his crotch. “EGOTISTICAL! IT MEANS OVERLY PROUD OF ONE’S SELF!”

       “OH! I’m sorry… again… humans… I thought you were trying to pull something on the fastest flier of all of Equestria.”

       “What do humans do in this world to make all of us seem like such terrible people?”

       “Nothing’s ever happened to me, but judging by other ponies’ reactions… I’m guessing things that don’t need to be mentioned. I don’t know what happened to Pinkie, but the fact that she wears clothes now is rather odd, don’t you agree? And Fluttershy… she won’t even leave her house whenever a human is around. Here’s a tip; to stay alive in this universe, avoid any overly-odd acting ponies at all costs. Many humans have done unspeakable things to us so don’t think that somepony won’t be able to justify their actions when they kill you. OR WORSE.”

       “Wouldn’t dragging me away from an arrival party to talk in a large, open field be considered ‘overly-odd’ behavior?”

       “Considering that you’re still alive, I would assume that you’re safe.”

       “So, who do you know that I can trust, then?”

       “Well, me, Applejack, Twilight, Rarity… but I would just avoid her anyways… she can be a bit… bitchy, to put it nicely.”

       “I found that out earlier today. I thought she was just pissed because some pony ruined her dress.”

       “Maybe… You never know with that pony… It’s like EVERYTHING pisses her off.”

       “Well, what about Derpy?”

       This question seemed to strike Rainbow Dash as a very odd thing to say. She began to back up a bit as to keep some distance. She then looked up and asked “What about her?”

       “Can I trust her?”

       “Why would you want to trust her?”

       “Considering the fact that I’m staying at her house till this all blows—”

       “YOU’RE WHAT?!”

       “Yeah, until things go back to normal, I’m staying over at her house.”

       “Yeah, okay, now you’re staying with me.”

       “But I can’t clouds… I mean… No wings… I’m not a pegasus.”

       “Wait… How do you know that I live in a cloud home?”

       “Earlier, Lyra and Bon Bon were—”

       “LYRA AND BON BON! How about you stay with them?”

       “I thought about that, too… but they said they were… kinky…”

       “Lyra?”

       “Yup.”

       “Well, what about Applejack?”

       “She’s not quite as kinky…”

       “You don’t know that… Anyhoof, what I meant was, what about staying at her house for the time being?”

       “Actually, I do know, as she won’t let me stay because she doesn’t want naked people running around her house all the time.”

       “Then DON’T BE NAKED! Or at least learn to walk.”

       “Not being naked is apparently harder than you think…”

       “Fair enough. What about Twilight’s?”

       “Something about a dragon… I don’t really know…”

       “Wow… Recently she’s kinda been Spike’s bitch…. Well, how about Rarity?”

       “Even if she let me, I don’t think I would want to stay there.”

       “I don’t blame you.”

       “What do you have against Derpy, anyways?”

       “She’s just so… Derpy…”

       “What is Derpy?”

       “She’s the mare who’ll drive you crazy if you stay at her house…”

       “No, what I meant was… Is it a descriptive word?”

       “It’s pretty damn descriptive… one time… I saw her… talking to a mushroom! Said it was a muffin.”

       “Oh, her house.”

       “SHE LIVES IN IT?!”

       “Okay, you’re going to have to define ‘odd’ because I don’t really know what’s normal in a universe filled with flying, talking, magical, brightly-coloured horses.”

       “To be fair, there’s only two ponies who fit all those criteria.”

       “Regardless, I just don’t see that much out of place with Derpy’s behaviour. Sure, she isn’t the most dexterous of ponies, but that doesn’t mean that she should be avoided. Overall, she seems quite cheery.”

       “Well, I guess it’s not so much her as it is her husband. He’s the crazy—”

       “OH, FUCK!”

       “What is it?”

       “I LEFT SPARKLER ALL ALONE AT THE DINER! OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH—”

       “Don’t worry, I’ll fly you there. We’ll be there in a dash! Besides, Sparkler is, what, seventeen? She can fend for herself for a while.”

       “Thank you so much!”

       “No problem!” At that, Rainbow Dash took hold of Robert once again and began to fly off. She flew below the cloud line and at a much slower speed so that one of them could spot Sparkler out of a crowd.

       “Thanks again.” God, if Derpy finds out…

       “Again, it’s nothing. At least now I’m actually doing something instead of lounging around all day. By the way… you and Sparkler… anything going on between you two?”

       “What? No! Well… not that I know of… Why?”

       “Nothing, really… just that it seems like you really care about her.”

       “I’m kinda staying at her house. If anything happens to her, I’m a homeless man.”

       “Well… have you… considered starting something with her?”

       “Then Derpy would kill me, not to mention the fact that she is a talking unicorn and I am a human. Aren’t there laws against that kind of stuff?”

       “Only in major cities like Canterlot or Fillydelphia. In smaller towns like Ponyville, anything with a hole, man.”

       “Pleasant…”

       “Wait… I think I see her!”

       “Oh god, she’s right outside her house! We’ll never make it!”

       “You doubt the fastest flier in all of Equestria?” At that, Rainbow Dash flew at an incredible speed towards the giant mushroom. Right before they reached the door, she flung Robert towards Sparkler, causing him to smash, face-first, into the gravel trail leading up to the house. At that moment, Derpy opened the door to Sparkler standing outside the door while Robert lay face down in the gravel.

       “Uh, hey. What’s up?” Derpy asked, concerned for Robert’s well-being.

       Robert lifted his head off the ground. His face was a bit bloody, but overall, not that bad considering the force of the collision. “Well, as you can see… not me.”