Broken, but Still Standing

The first sensation I remember after blacking out my, what? Eighth drink? Was pain. I hurt all over, like a mother bucking steamroller flattened my head out.

“Oohhh, son of a bi-” Then I smelled it. Something that was so strange and out of place, I just had to open my bloodshot eyes and actually acknowledge the shit hole of a place I claimed was my abode...only something was different.

Where there use to be empty beer bottles and cans, there was none. Trash was picked up, the nasty plot smell of dried sweat and sex was replaced with the rich smell of flowers and hay bacon. The floor was spotless, and-

“La la laa, la lalaa~”

If the smell of hay bacon wasn't enough to rouse me out of be, the need to discover the source of that singing was. Any other morning I'd just lay in bed till noon, cursing my lame existence of a life, before blasting beats to the point that my numb brain could do little more than function out of habit, getting my lazy plot out of bed and eating something that I could scrap together and burn with my very limited cooking knowledge. With the new scents assaulting my nose, like an army of sweet smelling soldiers on their way to victory, I rose to my hooves.

The light was bright, as always, as it cascaded into my room through the open window. With a snicker of self loathing, I magicked my shades back on. If only ponies knew the real reason I wore these babies all day, and most of the night.

“Vinyl? You up yet?”

Upon entering my kitchen on shaky legs, this would be the time I'd down a Fifth and Eighths to steady myself, I found the strangest sight that I had yet to behold this morning. Derpy, the cute gray mare from the night before, was smiling, string up a pot of coffee, while scrambling some eggs and flipping hey bacon strips.

I just stared there, mouth agape, shades sliding down my nose like a geek peeping in on a freaky couple for the first time. She looked over, and it was then I noticed the white apron she had on, which made the whole scene that much more amazing.

“Yes?” She asked a full minute later when she noticed me staring at her like a punk being played by a pro.

“You have no idea how bucking sexy you are right now.”

She blushed and giggled. “Well, breakfast is ready.”

Breakfast. That word used to be the most feared word in my vocabulary, but one taste of the eggs, hay bacon and coffee was enough to send my taste buds into such an orgasmic vibe that the music it created upon my tongue made the sickest drops I'd ever created seemed to be nothing but a filly banging a tin can while blowing raspberries to a pop song that came out three years ago.

Derpy just sat there, watching me savor every bite. She smiled sweetly before getting to her hooves.

“Well, thank you for letting stay that night. I cleaned the apartment. Now I'll be go-”

I nearly choked. “What?!” She gave me an amused look as I took a moment to swallow my food, rather than to spit it out on the now clean table. I held up a hoof showing I was chewing. “I remember saying last night I don't care if you stay three days or a whole year. I'm good as my word. You can stay.”

Derpy seemed to chew that over for a moment, before giving me a glare.

“I'm not sleeping with you.”

I laughed. She's still going on about that? “Listen, Prego, I like you, but you are here as my guest, not my play toy. I wouldn't dream of coming on to you without an invitation.”

Derpy didn't seem impressed.

“First of all, Shades,” She said the word like it was a very vile word, “I don't trust a pony I can't see the eyes of.”

She made a motion to take off my purple glasses. I blocked her hoof with my own.

“Shades stay on.” I told her.

“Okay. If that's the case,” She took off her apron, and stood up. “I'll find another place to be.”

“....” Why was I so concerned if some stray pony I fished out from a sea of gutter rats stayed with me? There was no way I'd give up my way of life to 'play' her silly games. Then, I remembered my mother, and how she'd refuse to talk to any guy with a beard because 'he' had worn one. I took off my shades.

The glare of the sun pricked my eyes like bee stings, forcing me to shut like vice grips. Slowly, painfully, I opened them to see the gray mare who sat back smugly.

“Yeah, why you so prissy today?”

She laughed, a giggle that sounded like fairies playing on the tree tops, before laying her ears back guiltily.

“Sorry,” She apologized. “I thought your eyes were so pretty last night, I wanted to see them again.”

I wasn't impressed. “Really? Really Prego?”

She shrugged. “But I wasn't exactly lying when I said I don't trust a pony I don't see the eyes of.  It's how I can tell if they're being truthful or not.”

I was about to tell her off that it didn't matter, but considering how the only real reason I wore the silly things were because of the fact that I was teased about my red eyes so much as a filly that I hide them so no pony would know and that my eyes were super sensitive because of how my I drank, I chose not to protest, which I figured would bring about another argument of my drinking habits. Octi and I had that talk many times, but I didn't want to have it with this mare. With the way things were going, I was afraid she'd actually have a real point and convince me it was in my best interest to quit drinking. That was an argument, I didn't want to lose.

We sat there in silence. Her with her own thoughts, and myself with conflicting emotions. Too much was being forced, but I was the jackass who put my neck out there. If it got broke being stepped on, that was my fault.

“So, you have a regular schedule?” The gray mare asked, clearing the table once I finished eating.

“Sorta. It usually takes me a few hours to wake up, but then I head down to the recording studio and do a few tracks before heading to the club and set up for the night.”

She frowned, as if something about my day didn't sit right with her. “Not much chance to have a life.”

I laughed. “What life? This shit I call existence is about two things. Music, and money. The rest is just collateral damage.”

If looks could kill. “Collateral damage?”

“Let me be straight. I don't really care much about anything but music and getting my kicks. For kicks, I need bits. For bits I need gigs. For gigs, I need a rep. For a rep I need to be the mother bucking beast of the ball.”

She snorted, but didn't say anything. I got up and headed out, putting my shades back on, but not before giving her a key to the place and a bag of bits. As I left the my pad, there was a little part of me that thought I'd never see her again, that she'd take the bits I gave to her and split, but that wasn't a real problem. Part of me wanted her gone. When I let her stay, she was a poor defenseless creature that needed looking after. This morning, she was a strong willed mare who knew what she wanted and would get it, even if I didn't like it.

I got to the recording studio.

“You're here early.” Nightlight noted from behind the security counter. He sipped at his coffee. “I haven't had my nap yet.”

“Yeah, I know how much you like it, so I thought I'd show up so I didn't have to wake you.”

The big lavender earth pony laughed. “Thanks.”

I checked in with the front desk and went to my usual room. With a few flicks of switches and punch of a few buttons, I put on my headphones and closed my eyes, feeling the world around me slip away. It was like I was floating in nothingness, with only a constant beat and looping melody to create the world around me in this emptiness. I was at last alone with my thoughts, and my words.

“You just don't get it, why can't you see

That everything I bucking have is what I'm going to be?

You think your so hot with your sick ice,

But you fail to see what's important while your caught up in your vice,

How is it that I'm so depraved of manners and standards of the high snobs like you

Yet every pony wants to be me and crowed my space like a mother bucking zoo?

You just don't get it, why can't you see,

That everything I've become is because of mother bucking me?

You claim your riches, you claim your prize,

I claim nothing but my Celestia Damn eyes!

Eyes that see the poverty you make, with your whims and all those who fake,

Whims that steal away that which isn't yours, whims that decimates,

Decimates those who can not fight.

They fight, they struggle, they rise and then fall

All because you can't see beyond your wall,

The wall that shelters you from blame,

The blame that makes the all complain,

Complain because you've got it all because of your gall,

You step on the small and treat them like a doll,

Only to throw them away at the end,

Your kind mother bucking offends!

Don't Defend, don't pretend, you're not my bucking friend!

You who think your so hot, pretending to be what your not!

You just don't get it, why can't you see,

I'm nothing like you, you mother buck fiend?

For hours I poured out my soul and anger into words that came to me as I sat in my own dark world until I had nothing left to say. It's almost piteous, but all my raps had been a mindless mess of cursing and ranting that didn't make sense if you didn't know much about me, and I made sure not to share that kind of thing to any pony. No wonder I didn't sell any copies.

With a sighed, and took off for my gig that night, brooding. My life had been on a steady incline for the last few years due to anger. For Celestia's sake, I was pissed at every damn thing. My past was full of pain, but I refused to acknowledge it, drowning the memories of wrongs with drink and washing it away with the pleasure. At times, I feel like I'm about to explode. That's where music steps in, creating a new way to express my emotions without doing anything stupid. Well, stupider than what I already do.

Once I got to the Blue Moon, already in a pissy mood, I saw the owner waiting outside. I didn't see him often, but I shrugged.

“Hey boss. What's up?”

He shuffled nervously. He was a scrawny peach unicorn with a stack of three bits for a cutie mark. He gulped. “I don't know what trouble your in.”

I blinked. “Trouble?”

“But, please, I don't want it in my club.”

“What trouble?” Then what he said sunk in. “Hang a moment, you're not talking about a dark brown unicorn with scars over his face, are you?”

He started trembling. “Miss Scratch? I'm sorry, but, could you take the night off? Or even a short vacation?”

I stared at him with a mix of outrage and dread. “You're serious? You're Bucking SERIOUS?!”

“I have your nights pay here.”

I couldn't believe this! How dare he?! How dare that tramp follow me to here and set about ruining my life? I've already told him a million times I don't want him in my life!

“Shove it.” I snorted, turning to leave.

“It's just for a fe-”

“You just lost yourself a mother bucking DJ, dickless.”

And with that I left, turning down the ally for the back way home.

“Yo.” It was Neon, leaning against the brick wall of the little, but clean, ally way.

I just glared at the ground. Neon and I had been fun rivals since I started dropping beats. Our competitive nature and constant ragging on each other had made us into the most wanted Djs in Manehatten.

“You're not playing tonight?” I stayed silent, brooding over the gall of the bastard who thinks he's so right and I'm wrong.

“Don't say anything.” I cut him off as he opened his mouth again. “I don't wanna talk about it.”

He stood there, watching me, then shrugged. “Okay. Well, I'll catch you around latter then.”

“Lates.” I nodded, making my way back home, sighing, feeling anger give to depression. I stopped at my apartment door, a hoof on the knob, wondering if I should even try to move, like last time. I'll have to find another place to DJ at. At this point, moving would only delay the inevitable, and I wasn't looking forward to signing more lease papers.

The apartment was clean, cleaner than I had seen it on the day I'd started renting. Walls were actually white, not the off color I let them stay, the floor freshly swept and, oh Celestia, was that noodles I smell?!

Hoof clops made their way from the kitchen to the short hallway that lead to the bedroom. Derpy, her eyes off skew of each other greeted me with a mild look of surprise.

“You're home.”

“Yeah.” I replied glumly. “My gig was canceled.”

That gray mare looked concerned, all the hardness that was in her eyes that morning, gone, replaced with genuine sadness on my behave. I shook my head, not wanting to explain why. I wasn't ready.

“Well, dinner will be ready in ten minutes. Go wash up. I'm sure some hot food will pick you back up.”

As if to accent her words, my stomach grumbled, causing me to blush.

“I'll...go...do that.” A shower actually sounded like a great idea.

In no time I had the water running at a blistering heat, dowsing my head, shoulders and back in searing heat that massaged deep into body, melting all the stress that took me that day, and washed away all the aches and worries my mind, or pride, had suffered. After letting the water soak, I shut off the water and looked into the bathroom Cabinet.

I blinked. No...NO! It was gone! I can't go out like this! It was-

“Vinyl, dinner is set.”

I'm not going to lie. I flipped.

“One minute!”

“Okay. Just hurry. I'm hungry.”

Okay that bought me some time. I looked about the steaming room desperately for anything. Anything that will keep her from-

Creek.

I felt my body turn to wood as I slowly turned my head to look at the concerned eyes peering in through the door. The concern melted into shock. Sweet Celestia she sa-

The door opened more as she made her way into the bathroom.

“Didn't any pony tell you it's rude to walk in on a pony in the bathroom?”

She looked guilty, scuffing a hoof, but not taking her eyes off my hair. “Go on. Say it.”

Derpy, took a breath and our stomachs rumbled in unison. “Can we eat?”

I about fell over, but followed her to the table, where a scrumptious meal of noodles, asparagus, and a healthy sized apple salad was set for two. We ate in silence, she not sure how to ask it, and me not wanting to answer what she was going to ask.

Finally, she locked eyes with me. “I didn't know you were an albino.”

There was not accusation. There was not taunt, and it wasn't said like it was disgusting. She spoke her statement like she was saying the sky was blue. That it was, and not that it should be. If only fillies and colts growing up were as understanding.

“Yeah.” I sighed. “I dye my mane and tail every time I take a shower.”

Derpy didn't ask the stupid questions, like why or where your parents albino. She just nodded sympathetic, like she understood the unspoken pain that came with a childhood of being in a world of color, but being the only thing that had none. If my red eyes didn't freak ponies out enough to keep their distance, they'd laugh and make up jokes and insults about my white mane and tail. Even my cutie mark had only one color, making the only relief from black and white the blood red in my eyes. As if my single mom didn't have enough problems as is.

“I was born with a medical condition that make my eyes crossed most of of the times.” Her ears  folded back, like she could still hear the teasing I knew that must have brought.

I didn't think. I just put a hoof on hers. “Yeah. I get it.”

She looked relieved. Mostly, I'll bet, that I wasn't upset at her for barging in on me in the bathroom. Then, her eyes went flat.

“Doesn't change my mind. I'm still not sleeping with no pony.”

I couldn't help it. I facehoofed. “Derp, why are you so keen on saying that? I'm not making a move.”

“Hoof on mine?” She pointed out.

“It's a reassuring gesture.” I stated flatly. She bit her lip, and I finally understood. “You were taken advantage of because you didn't know what was okay and what wasn't.”

She winced, like she just heard a flower pot hit the ground, but looked up at me, silently saying, 'yes'.

This explained her rapid change of character, and made me feel even sorrier for the poor mare.

“We'll fix that.” I told her.

She smiled, a very heartwarming smile and I, for the first time in a while, felt a smile spreading on my face. Maybe life wasn't as terrible as I thought it was. Derpy couldn’t hide her differences, and so  probably got more flack for it, but still she could smile. Maybe I could learn to smile too.