Chapters Authors note: I’m incredibly bored… Just read through it, it gets really good later on!
Also I thought I'd mention that Paul is from some really long and stupid thing I wrote like three years ago. It's on my dev art but god forbid anyone ever reads that... It's so bad... Anyways, his backstory isn't very important and pretty much everything you need to know is explained...
“I sure do love reading books!” Exclaimed Twilight Sparkle who, if you haven’t guessed it by now, loves reading books. She was currently reading some stupid book about magic or something that she had already read before, but she decided to read it again because she just loves to read that much.
“I also love sending letters to Celestia!” She once again exclaimed. Then she realized that she hadn’t sent a friendship report in like three weeks now. Maybe I should do that … Thought Twilight in her big adorable head box. With that thought she finally looked up from her book after hours of nonstop reading only to notice that it was later than she had thought. It was sooo late, in fact, that the sun wasn’t even out at all!
“Hmmm I guess that friendship report can wait till morning.” Twilight said to herself. Luckily no one was there at this time of night so she didn’t look like a complete lunatic for talking to herself constantly. “Celestia won’t mind, I’m sure she is busy with other things anyways. She’s so popular.”
Unbeknownst to Twilight, Celestia is secretly very lonely. But who cares about that?
After realizing how late it was, Twilight started heading up the stairs when a delicious thought popped into her head. What if she stayed up ALL night reading? It was genius! If she didn’t sleep she could read like… Twice as much… Or something. And then she remembered that that is a stupid idea. Now resigned to her sleepy fate she continued up the stairs to her waiting bed.
Now she could sleep all night, and in the morning maybe, just maybe, she could eat waffles.
That is, until there was a loud sound outside that allows the plot to move forward.
Queue obnoxious scene change!
Paul was just your average everyday sex raptor doing average every day sex raptor things. Today, that included flying a space ship at extremely high speeds. Normally, such a thing would be relaxing for Paul, however, not today. Today (The word today being used very loosely because they are in space) he was being attacked by a group of his sworn enemies, lobster men. Lobster men, as the name would suggest, are a hybrid of lobsters and humans that were created by the Government monster millions of years ago on Earth. They also have poorly described mind powers which they use to kill anyone who stands in their way.
Normally Paul wouldn’t have any trouble in a dog fight with a few lobster man ships, he is like the best pilot ever after all, but this time he was all alone and there were simply too many of them. And to make everything even worse the lobster men were being led by none other than Gorlok 12, the most powerful of the lobster men and Paul’s worst enemy.
Paul quickly steered his ship to the side avoiding another clump of orange lasers that were flung at him. Stupid lobster men, always throwing clumps of lasers at me , thought Paul with his dumb sex raptor head, here I am trying to mind my own business in the cold unforgiving vacuum of space and they decide to throw things at me? Paul would be outraged if this stuff didn’t happen to him literally erry day. He had fought Lobster men ever since they were first spawned into existence from years and years of unethical human-lobster breeding so they didn’t like him very much. Yeah that’s right, Paul is millions of years old, deal with it.
Paul once again dodged more clumps of lasers with his ship. Always with the lasers! Why can’t they throw anything edible at me? Like kittens. Yes, kittens I can work with, lasers give me indigestion though. Paul’s thoughts were interrupted as a ball of lasers that was shaped suspiciously like a tiger shark struck the side of his ship. “Shiiiiiiit!” Yelled Paul. Maybe he should think about these things when there wasn’t a dozen lobster ships chasing him.
Luckily the hit barely damaged his ship’s thick styrophome plating. Now that he was done being a bad, Paul decided to kick some ass. He then maneuvered his ship like a complete pro managing to turn around and fly towards the enemy ships (I’ll just let you imagine how he did that for yourself, it’s easier that way). Paul quickly locked on to the closest lobster ship using his ship’s high-tech aiming system. Now came the hard part, deciding which button to push, there were so many of them. Paul built this ship with his own two claws yet he had little to no idea what most of these buttons actually did. All he knew was that they were connected to the ship’s various weapon systems.
Then he remembered, he had played enough pally to know exactly what to do. Without further delay he rolled his face across the control panel pushing buttons randomly. Much like with a paladin, it worked and the ship fired a volley of heat seeking snake explosions at the closest lobster ship. Within seconds the snakes had burrowed into the lobster ship’s thick carapace and exploded the entire thing. Yes, the lobster ships are literally just giant lobsters with rockets instead of legs, deal with it again.
The tiny pieces flew in all directions, some even bounced harmlessly off of Paul’s super cool ship. He didn’t care, however, because he found his next target. Another lobster ship that was trying to turn itself to face Paul’s ship that was now behind it. It was a sitting duck, and in space you don’t want to be a duck. Within seconds Paul had covered the whole thing in human skin oil with his ship’s onboard cannons, now its parent lobster monsters would never take it back to the nest and it would starve to death. Resigned to its fate the lobster ship left with a single tear on its cheek.
“No tears now,” whispered Paul, “just dreams.”
Paul proceeded to do some more l337 space ship maneuvers and managed to murder three more of the lobster ships. He was feeling pretty good, he was already on a killing spree, surely nothing could stop him, right?
"WRONG!" “ Shouted Lex Luthor from behind Paul. He was there the whole time, I just never mentioned him.
Paul just smirked at this, Lex Luthor and his crazy shinaniga- wait a second… Since when was Lex Luthor even still alive?! And why was he on the ship?!?!?! Paul’s eyes suddenly burst open wider than anything’s eyes ever should burst anywhere and he reeled around in his chair pointing to the now lol’ing Lex Luthor who was standing a little ways behind him.
“You, yes you! You are dead!” Shouted Paul in whatever voice you just read that in (Probably Heavy’s).
Lex Luthor just smirked before he pulled a paper mask from his face revealing himself to be none other than RED spy! “I never really was on your side!” he said with a stupid face.
“You were a templar Jond- oh, wrong guy… Erm yes, I should have known you would be working for the lobster men! Now you must die!” Said Paul as he transformed his semi-malleable arms into conscious puppies which he used to beat the RED spy to a pulp. Within seconds, there was blood literally everywhere. Then Paul suddenly realized that there was no one driving the ship.
As if on cue the whole ship shook violently. Paul jumped back into his pilot chair and pivoted back to the ship’s computers to see the damage report. As soon as he saw the screen his heart sank into his open chest cavity. It looks like Gorlok 12 got a direct hit on Paul’s ship with a group of very angry mind bees.
“Not the bees!” Paul shouted as he remembered the last time he had seen bees. To make a long story short, they tried to eat his head. The worst part is, these weren’t your ordinary everyday human bees, these were mind bees created and being controlled by none other than the most powerful lobster man ever! Paul was pretty much screwed now. No point in even trying. The bees would easily burrow through the ship’s hull with their acid and then they would eat Paul’s head via osmosis.
Then Paul gazed up out of his ship’s windows into the space sky. Instead of seeing the horrible blackness that is space, however, he saw a swirling purple cloud that slowly took the shape of a lion.
“Father?” asked Paul upon seeing the lion thing.
“No, I’m not your father, I’m Mufasa!” Said the cloud.
“Then why are you here?” Asked Paul.
“Hell if I know, I’m a cloud. But since I am here, remember. Remember who you are. And more importantly, remember the sun well.” Replied the cloud lion thing.
“But they’re bees father! They want to eat my head and they won’t take no for an answer!” Cried Paul who is a sex raptor.
“It’s time for you to take your place in the circle of life!” Responded Mufasa.
“Wait what? That’s stupid… You know what? I’m just gonna’ go kill those bees.” Paul then pushed a button that caused the ship to secrete jelly out of thousands of little holes in the hull that were made just on the off chance that his ship was attacked by bees. Everybody knows that bees hate jelly, and they all died a horrible, painful death.
He had already wasted too much time with the bees though and Gorlok 12 wasn’t messing around. He came around in his custom built lobster ship and took another shot at Paul. This time he fired a pair of severed Nicolas Cage heads.
“Oh god no! Not the Nicolas Cage!” Screamed Paul! Paul tried to dodge quickly to the right but he was only able to avoid one of the heads. The other smashed into the back of his ship destroying one of the thrusters on contact.
“Damnit!” Shouted Paul, “No man, lobster or otherwise, should have that much Nicolas Cage!” With one of his engines destroyed now he was the sitting duck. How ironic, it had hardly been three hours since he ate a duck.
Satisfied with the damage he did to Paul’s ship, Gorlok 12 did a victory lap through space. The other lobster ships just watched thinking there was nothing Paul could do and that they finally beat him.
Paul, on the other hoof (hehe pony puns, I know you’ll appreciate them), was coming up with a plan to escape while they did their silly victory lap. Then it occurred to him, he had built his ship to be able to travel near the speed of light. Of course he had never tested it, also one of the thrusters was destroyed. But it’s not like he needed them all, and a random space jump going the speed of light is a perfect way to accelerate the plot. This would be perfect, he could just fly off and the lobster men would be so mad. Then a light started blinking on his computer. Paul knew exactly what this one meant, Gorlok 12 was trying to talk to him.
Being the sensible sex raptor that Paul is, he decided to open up communication between them through skype. After pushing a few buttons the screen was filled with the image of a smiling lobster man. This was obviously Gorlok 12.
“Hey Paul,” Gorlok 12 said trying not to giggle, “Did you like the bees?”
“I enjoyed every second of the bees thoroughly thank you very much.” Paul replied.
“Fine, you’re no fun. By the way, once I kill you I’m going to pee in your skull. Just think about that for a couple of seconds. Having pee in your skull.” Said Gorlok 12 with a stupid grin. It was impressive to say the least. The smile that is, lobsters shouldn’t be able to move their faces like that.
“Listen here cum slut-” Started Paul only to be interrupted by Gorlok 12’s giggling.
“Lolol, guys check it out, he so mad!” Said Gorlok 12 as his lobster man friends joined their skype call.
Paul just shrugged. “I aint even mad. Now then, how are you gonna’ pee in my skull…. WHEN I SHIFT INTO MAXIMUM OVERDRIVE?!?!?” Paul then ended the skype call and pushed a button clearly labeled ‘maximum overdrive’. As soon as he pressed it the engine hissed loudly and the ship jetted forward at an outrageous speed.
Gorlok 12 was shocked to say the least, he didn’t think Paul’s ship could travel that fast with the damaged thruster. Oh well, it would probably explode randomly, but they might as well follow it just in case. They couldn’t travel at light speed, but they knew exactly what direction Paul had zoomed off in so they could just go that way and hopefully catch up with him eventually. It’s not like Gorlok 12 had anything planned for the weekend. And with that the 7 remaining lobster ships started off towards their target.
Paul was now careening randomly through space at an extremely high speed. Such a speed would probably turn all of his delicious organs to soup if he wasn’t a sex raptor. Unfortunately he had no idea where he was going, he didn’t have time to aim his ship or anything.
He was going fine for about a minute until his ship was struck by something. All kinds of alerts started going off and Paul checked the computers for a damage report. It looks like whatever they hit, it had taken off most of the right wing. He had no idea what he had hit, probably just a space cow or something out looking for spiritual Nevada. Paul smirked, what a stupid concept.
His smile faded when the ship, now off balance from losing a wing, started spinning uncontrollably at a very high speed (space physics, how do they work?) and there was nothing he could do to stop it. Nothing, except maybe to slow down. So he did just that. By propelling himself in the opposite direction he was able to slow to a halt after about 30 seconds.
Now alone floating in space he was able to properly asses the damage to his ride. Thankfully, it held out pretty well through his light speed endeavors, but it was looking pretty beat up now. For one, the mind bees’ acid had done a lot of damage to his hull. Next he was missing one the ship’s wings which contained a set of thrusters. To top that off, the Nicolas Cage head did a number on his rear thrusters.
Basically, he was screwed if he got in a fight and he would hardly be able to even fly straight with all of the damage. Once again he was a duck, and the lobster men are no doubt on their way right now to destroy his skin. This time there would be no mercy, his skull was going to be filled with pee.
“No!” Yelled Paul, “My skull has taken enough abuse, it doesn’t need this!” With that he started to examine his options. Either he could try to fly away and avoid the lobster men, or he could land on a nearby planet. Flying away probably wouldn’t work, they would be able to track him through space so he probably wouldn’t get far. He decided that the second option was much better.
After a quick scan of the nearby planets he found one that looked hospitable. Further scans confirmed that at least it had trees and therefore water and air. Hopefully it wasn’t another planet inhabited entirely by billions of giant centipedes like the last one he had lived on, that would suck.
After turning his ship to face the new planet he set off towards it. It looks like a nice place, perhaps today won’t be so bad after all.
A few minutes later
“OH GOD WHAT WAS I THNKING?! THIS WAS A TERRIBLE IDEA!” Shouted Paul as he entered the planet’s atmosphere. Without a wing there was no way he could possibly steer himself here and he had started spinning out of control rapidly. Do a barrel roll! Do a barrel roll! Do a barrel roll!
“SCREW YOU PEPPY! GET OUT OF MY HEAD!”
Paul was now frantically trying to get his ship under control by pressing random buttons, unfortunately it wasn’t working very well. Now mostly on fire, his ship finally broke the cloud cover and he was able to see the forest coming straight for him! Well today officially sucked, there was no way he could possibly survive this. Resigned to his moosey fate all he could do now was scream as he neared the ground.
“FFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!”
*Boom*
His screams were cut short as his ship hit the tree line causing a massive explosion.
Meanwhile at home tree
“Ahhh, what in Celestia‘s mane was that?!” Yelled Twilight bursting from her bed after the sudden loud noise.
Spike was a little more calm, probably because he was very tired. “Yeah, what is it now Twilight?” He said with a yawn.
Twilight had already run to the balcony looking around frantically for what had caused the disturbance in what should have been a quiet peaceful night. Other ponies clearly had the same idea as they pushed open blinds or came outside to see what had disturbed their sleep. “We have to find out what that was!” Said Twilight, now determined to stay up all night.
“Come on Twilight, I’m tired. Can’t this wait till morning?”
“Nope.avi” responded Twilight, who is a unicorn in case you forgot. “Whatever made all that noise can’t possibly be good, we have to check it out. All of Ponyland could be in danger!”
“Don’t you mean Ponyville?” Asked Spike.
“No, Ponyland, as in the planet we’re living on. It’s inhabited by ponies, therefore it’s named Ponyland.”
“You mean Equestria?” Asked Spike now very confused.
“No Equestria is just this country. What, has no pony ever mentioned what the planet is called?” Said Twilight, now she was slightly confused.
“Come to think of it, no, no pony has ever said ANYTHING about the rest of the planet outside of Equestria. For all we know the rest of the planet could be inhabited by billions of giant centipedes.” Said Spike now looking a little scared.
“Oh Spike, where do you get such absurd ideas? A place inhabited entirely by giant centipedes? That’s just ridiculous!” Laughed Twilight.
Then suddenly Applejack burst through the library door followed closely by Rainbow Dash. “Hey sugar cube! Did you hear that really loud noise? Also my country accent is gone suddenly!”
“Yeah I heard the- wait what?” Asked Twilight.
“It’s true, I can’t talk like a redneck anymore at all! It’s really freaking me out!” Cried Applejack.
“First a noise, now Applejack isn’t speaking in a ridiculous accent? Either someone is really lazy or the sound and this are somehow connected. I think it will be easier for us if we just blame all of our problems on that sound! Also what were you and Rainbow doing out this late together?” Asked Twilight.
“O-oh we were just, um, well-” Stuttered Applejack.
Rainbow quickly butted in, “We were just having a late night race to see who is the fastest.” Said rainbow with a wink towards Applejack. I guess it wasn’t a complete lie.
“Luckily I’m naive enough to believe everything you say, Applebro, you are the element of honesty after all so you would NEVER tell your best friend a lie.” Said Twilight, “Now than, do you guys know what made that noise?”
“Yeah there was like this big explosion in the Everfree and it was so awesome!” Yelled Rainbow Dash as she flew around the library excitedly.
“And now there’s a bunch of smoke coming from there.” Explained Applejack.
“Well then, as Celestia’s personal apprentice it is my responsibility to find out what’s going on. Appleman and Rainbow Guy, go get the rest of our friends! We’re going to go check this out.” Said Twilight now very confident.
“Wait, so you want us, a group of small female ponies who have little to no real combat experience, to go out into the dangerous forest filled with murderous creatures at night to find out what caused a huge explosion?” Asked Applejack, “Why don’t we just send Celestia a letter? I’m sure she could take care of this a lot easier than we could.”
“Oh Appleguy, you and your jokes. We’ll be fine, and Celestia is surely far too busy to take care of such a simple thing that we could easily do ourselves.” Replied Twilight Sparkle.
Meanwhile at Canterlot castle
“I’m so lonely! Why doesn’t anyone ever send me letters? I literally have nothing better to do, my life is a meaningless expanse of time! They hardly even need me to run the country because there is like no crime and all our problems are solved by magic!” Cried Celestia alone in her room.
Now back at Ponyville
“Besides, what could possibly go wrong?” Asked Twilight.
“Yeah!” Shouted Pinkie Pie, “We’re the mane characters, nothing bad could possibly ever happen to any of us!”
“Oh Celestia!” Screamed Twilight, “Where did you even come from?!”
“Well when a mommy pony and a daddy pony love each other verrrrry much-”
“Woah sugar cube we don’t need that speech right now, she meant where were you at just a few moments ago?” Interrupted Applejack.
“Oh silly, I’ve been watching Twilight read for hours. Now let’s go find out where that plot device, I mean noise, came from!” Said Pinkie Pie, carefully changing the subject and bouncing around happily so no one would catch the hint of bloodlust in her eyes. She had been close this time, she was so patient, Twilight had almost gone to sleep. Stupid noise ruined all her careful planning, now she would have to wait for another opportunity to feed her insatiable need for blood. But that could wait, she had to act innocent now, they would never suspect a thing!
“Although that is one of the creepiest things I have ever heard, and I don’t doubt that it’s true at all, we really should get a move on. No use standing around here all day.” Said Applejack.
“Yeah,” Rainbow but in, “let’s go, I’m already tired of this stuffy old library.”
“Fine, Rainbow Man, you go get Flutterguy. Appledude, you get Rarity and meet back here.” Said Twilight.
Satisfied with that they all put their hoofs in and shouted “GO TEAM FRIENDSHIP!” before Rainbow Dash and Applejack ran back out the door.
Now Pinkie Pie and Twilight were left alone in the center of the library while Spike went back to sleep. “Well… This is awkward…” Said Twilight.
After about an hour everypony was finally back at the library.
“For the love of Celestia’s flank, it sure took you ponies long enough!” Shouted Twilight who wasn’t happy about spending the last hour being talked to death by Pinkie.
“Sorry sugar, Rarity insisted on doing her mane before she left, why do we even have to bring her with?” Said Applejack.
“Because she’s a unicorn which means that she’s a hundred time more useful than any of you ponies since she can do magic.” Replied Twilight as though it was obvious.
“Dang Twilight, I never knew you were a racist.” Said Rainbow Dash.
“Well, we are the master race. HAIL CELESTIA!” Replied purple guy.
“HAIL CELESTIA!” Repeated all of the other ponies in unison.
“Um, why are we here? If you don’t mind me asking that is.” Said Fluttershy in a quiet voice.
“Well now that everypony is here, I’m sure that you are curious as to what made that noise out in the woods. Well as responsible, undefined age ponies it’s our job to go and find out!” Said Twilight taking her place as leader of the group.
“Speaking of that, how old are we supposed to be anyways?” Asked Rainbow Dash.
“Oh silly! Isn’t it obvious! There are only four ages of ponies. Baby ponies, fillies, adult ponies, then old ponies. Everypony knows that! And we aren’t super old so we’re just adult ponies!” Replied Pinkie Pie as though it was obvious.
“Yeah, that sounds about right.” Confirmed Twilight. “Now then, back to the matter at hoof, we are going into the forest now!”
Fluttershy shrunk back at the thought of going into the forest at night. “B-but can’t we just wait till morning so it’s not so s-scary?” She whispered.
“Nein! We go now!” Shouted Twilight. “Bigger Applebloom, tie her up and carry her. I heard she’s into that kind of thing anyways.”
“You got it!” Said Applejack as she hogtied Fluttershy and placed her on her back. Rainbow Dash was slightly Jelly.
“Now let’s go!” Yelled Twilight as they all galloped out of the library into the night.
It only took them a few minutes to reach the Everfree forest which they ventured into despite the thick trees. Thankfully they block out enough sunlight to keep the foliage from growing too much. They also knew exactly where to go thanks to a pillar of smoke that rose over the Everfree. That would surely lead them to where they wanted to go. Although they couldn’t see it most of the time in the forest, they occasionally spotted it through the trees confirming which direction they needed to travel.
The trip went by without any problems, and after a little more than an hour the sun started to come over the horizon illuminating the forest. They could tell they were getting close now, the smell of burnt plants was progressively getting stronger. Then they spotted a clearing up ahead. It wasn’t a natural clearing, it was filled with smashed and charred trees. No doubt this is where Rainbow Dash saw the explosion.
The group pressed on into the clearing noticing a few small fires still burning, nothing dangerous though.
“Oh this smoke is going to ruin my mane!” Whined Rarity in the stereotypical way.
“Le sigh, can you stop whining now, we’re here.” Said an annoyed Twilight.
“I knew we shouldn’t have brought her.” Complained Applejack with Fluttershy still tied to her back.
“Oh please Applejack, I’m a unicorn so you can’t talk about me like that, if I wanted to I could levitate all of your organs our of your throat using my magic. Remember that next time you’re going to say something insulting.” Responded Rarity.
“Awww now Rarity is a racist too?” Asked Rainbow Dash.
She was just met with a glare from the two unicorns in the group. Of course Rainbow Dash wouldn’t understand, they thought, she’s a stupid Pegasus.
“Oooooh what’s this? What’s this?!” Shouted Pinkie Pie excitedly pointing at a burnt piece of metal and reminding all them ponies why they were there in the first place.
On further inspection Twilight noticed that there were a bunch of big chunks of metal all over the place. Metal, an explosion? Something didn’t quite add up. After a few minutes of sifting through metal in the clearing they found a slightly larger piece. After a little bit of digging they found that it was a lot bigger than they had first though, it was just mostly covered in dirt and trees.
After uncovering some of the strange thing they noticed that it was hollow and they all decided that it would be a fantastic idea to step inside. It only took them a few seconds to notice a lump laying in the middle of the floor. Further inspection revealed it to be some kind of deformed looking dragon without any wings. It was also wearing a tie.
“Stand back everyone,” commanded Twilight, “I know exactly what to do!”
She then proceeded to poke the unconscious dragon thing with her horn.
A few hours earlier, Paul was aboard his ship hurtling to his death. A head on collision with the ground at this speed would surely reduce his body to a viscous goo, he didn’t stand a ghost of a chance. He was just going too fast to slow down and his emergency parachutes simply burst into flames when he tried to deploy them.
“FFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!” Shouted Paul thinking that he was about to die. Then he remembered something very important. He isn’t just your ordinary, run of the mill sex raptor. No, he was the best sex raptor. He was also wielder of the most powerful source of energon in the known universe, the economy. The economy had chosen him as its avatar after he inadvertently killed the government monster by crashing the earth into the sun. The Economy must always have a captain.
In exchange for him strengthening the economy, it granted him some of its energon which he could siphon from subspace where the economy resides. This was perfect, now he could make an energon shield and save himself! Then he saw the ground approaching him extremely fast. Paul barely had time to create a shield around himself before his ship struck the top of the trees creating a massive explosion. Paul was saved from most of the damage by the economy, but it was still enough to knock him unconscious.
Paul dreamt of waffles, the biggest waffles anyone has ever grown as far as the eye can see. He frolicked through the field of breakfast foods without a care in the world. Even the honey badgers were nice here and together, Paul and the honey badgers, ate a hearty breakfast of waffles with the most delicious syrup he had ever tasted. Then suddenly one of the honey badgers got up and started poking him with the knife it had used to cut up the waffles. Paul swiped a claw at the honey badger trying to shoo it away but it was persistent.
“Hey quit pokin’ me with your thing!”
As soon as he said that the honey badger stopped. He was happy, now he could get back to his waffles, but the waffles were missing! Paul looked all around. No, where were they? The waffles were here, he saw them! Now there were none! Panic took over and Paul started hyperventilating, without waffles is life even worth living?
Then Paul woke up. It took his eyes a few seconds to adjust and then he saw a bunch of colorful ponies standing there. Paul just rubbed his face with a claw, clearly not surprised by anything at this point.
“If you’re going to eat my skin can you at least make it quick, I was having a nice dream about waffles.” Said Paul in an irritated voice.
The ponies just stared at him like he was leaking vital goo from his important hearing facilities.
“What, am I leaking vital goo from my important hearing facilities or something?” Asked Paul slightly disturbed by their staring.
“Um, no, hi. I’m Twilight Sparkle and these are my friends,” She made a motion with her hoof towards the group of ponies standing behind her. “We were just kinda’ surprised when you talked.”
“Yeah, I’d be surprised when you talked too, except I’ve seen some shit.” replied Paul nonchalantly.
“Um… Alright, anyways, who are you, and what are you?”
Paul stood up on his back legs and dusted himself off with his claws before adjusting his tie. The ponies backed up slightly when he did, he was a lot taller than them. “The names Paul, I’m a sex raptor.”
“A what what?” Asked twilight sparkle slightly confused.
“A sex raptor, like a velociraptor, just a lot cooler.” Replied Paul while examine his claws like it was no big deal.
“You don’t look so cool to me.” Said Rainbow dash while crossing her hooves.
“And that tie is really tacky.” Agreed Rarity.
“Bitch I’m fabulous!” Said Paul, “U just jelly.”
“Neither am I nor have I ever been jelly, as you can see my friends and I are all ponies.” Said Twilight in her know it all voice.
“Alright, I honestly couldn’t care less what your names are, however, since it seems I’m going to be stuck here for a while I suppose I should ask to be polite. Who are you?” Said Paul like he didn’t give a crap (which he didn’t).
“Well as I already said, I’m Twilight Sparkle, I’m also Ponyville’s librarian and Celestia’s personal apprentice.” Said Twilight Sparkle looking very proud.
“Look, pony thing, I asked for your name, not your life story.” Said Paul slightly annoyed at this point.
“I’m Rainbow Dash, fastest flyer in all of Equestria!”
“I was just flying at about 670 million miles per hour a few hours ago, I’d like to see you beat that.” Said Paul while once again examining his claws.
“What? No you weren’t! That’s impossible!” Said Rainbow Dash clearly not buying that.
“Speed of light bitch, I dun it. How do you think I got here?”
“That’s a good question.” Said Twilight curiously, “How did you get here, and what is with all the metal?”
“Well, that WAS my space ship that I built myself. I was just cruising along, mindin’ my on business when Gorlok 12 and his friends decided to attack me. So after a fight, in which I totally powned a bunch of them my ship was damaged so I flew out of there at the speed of light like a complete winner and I showed up by this planet. Then I decided to land and here we are.” Said Paul.
“Crash landed maybe…” Said Twilight Sparkle as she started to get annoyed by the creatures rude behavior.
“Meh, good enough.” Said Paul with a shrug.
“And you expect us to believe that your some kind of space alien that came here in that pile of junk over there?” Asked Twilight suspiciously.
“Well it was pretty nice until it exploded.” Said Paul.
“So then that’s what caused the explosion! You woke us all up!” Said Twilight frustrated.
“I’m not going to apologize for that, you’d think you would be excited to meet an alien.” Said Paul with a smug grin.
“Oooh oooooh! I’m excited! A real live alien this is so cool I’m gonna throw you a party and everything, this is gonna’ be so much fun and we can be best friends now! Also, I’m Pinkie Pie!”
“Cool beans.” Said Paul not phased in the slightest by her overexcited nature.
“And I’m Rarity, the greatest fashion designer in all of Equestria and you simply must let me design you a new tie. That one is so bland and unstylish.”
“Bitch I’ll cut you.” Replied Paul.
Rarity just responded with a huff. She wasn’t used to being spoken to that way.
“And I’m Fluttershy.” Said Fluttershy in an extremely quiet voice that would have been hard to hear if Paul wasn’t a sex raptor. Paul then realized that the ponies were all super adorable, but he would never let them know that. He still had his pride.
“Nice to meet you Fluttershy.” Said Paul with his first non rude response all day.
“How’d you hear her, I couldn’t even hear her and I’m right next to her!” Asked Twilight slightly impressed.
“Giiiiiirl I’m a sex raptor, my ears are pretty much the best.” Said Paul.
“And ahm Applejack, nice ta’ meetcha. Me and mah family own sweet apple acres in Ponyville where we grow the best apples in all of Equestria if I do say so myself.” Said Applejack with a horribly forced southern accent while shaking Paul’s claw vigorously.
“Your accent is clearly fake, thought I’d let you know.” Said Paul.
Applejack frowned and walked away. She had tried to force her old accent but it hadn’t worked, he saw right through it. Maybe she would just have to get used to talking like a normal pony.
“Alright, now that I know all your names I’d like to say that they are pretty ridiculous. I can only assume that your collective parents probably got together right when you were all born and ate bag upon bag of garbage until they were delirious enough to think of the stupidest names that they could. They then gave you those names. That’s just my hypothesis though. They could have ingested dozens of other hallucinogens as well for the same effect.” Said Paul.
The group just stared at him slightly shocked by the strange insult until he continued.
“Now then, purple guy, you said that you knew the princess or something?” Continued Paul.
“That’s Twilight Sparkle and I’m not a guy!” Said a now blushing Twilight.
“Oh, you see, I just assumed you were all guys, I couldn’t be sure.” Said Paul.
“Anyways, I am Princess Celestia’s apprentice, so yes, I know her.” Said Twilight insulted that he had already mixed up her gender, forgotten her name, and forgotten her job that she had just told him like a minute ago.
“Alright, could you perhaps contact this princess for me? I’d be interested in speaking with her.” Said Paul while rolling his eyes.
“Woah, woah, woah, I can contact the princess, but I’m afraid she’s far too busy to speak to every rude dragon thing that claims to be an alien.” Said Twilight.
Meanwhile in Canterlot Castle
“Oh me! I’m so freaking bored. What have I done with my life? I have no friends, no hobbies and tons of free time. My apprentice hardly even contacts me anymore. Worst part is no one wants to talk to me, they’re all too nervous because I’m the princess! Why can’t somepony different, perhaps smart, and with a weird sense of humor, and who likes sexual innuendos just come and talk to me. That’s all I want!” Cried Celestia once again alone in her room.
Once again Back in the Everfree
“I’m sure she would want to talk to me, I know a little something about ruling. I ran an entire planet for a while.” Said Paul proudly. It was true, after city world was attacked by both ant men and then lobster men it was almost completely destroyed, but Paul was finally able to defeat them and save the remaining human citizens. Unfortunately the attacks had left the planet in a horrible state so Paul stepped in and rebuilt the government and the infrastructure. Before long it was thriving, then years later the lung leeches working together at the time with Gorlok 12 who commanded a massive armada of lobsters finally destroyed the whole planet.
But that was all in the past, Paul had moved on since then.
“Pshh, NO pony would want to talk to you, especially not the princesses.” Said Rainbow Dash.
“Woah now, Rainguy, no need to be rude. We’re all friends here chief.” Said Paul. The others reluctantly agreed and remembered that friendship is what’s truly important, even if Paul was a complete dick.
“Now that we’re friends, how about you guys show me around this ‘Pony town’ where you live.” Said Paul. These Ponies were so easy to troll, he loved it.
“Well I suppose so. And it‘s Ponyville” Said Twilight Sparkle clearly not liking the idea of bringing him into town. Pinkie was ecstatic about the idea, however, and quickly grabbed his claw with her hoof to lead him back towards town. He would be very confused about how she was able to do that if he hadn’t seen so much weird stuff in his life.
Hey you just read this and this is crazy, but I like comments to type them. Maybe?
Paul makes a lot of friends
Authors Note: Hi, I'm Author. But enough about me, let's talk about the story that I know you all just love so much. First off I changed most of the character's personalities to some degree, that's obvious, but I thought I'd let you know that I did it on purpose. It makes this a lot more interesting to type, and it can't be too bad to read something a little different every once in a while so no need to let it rustle your jimmies. This chapter will mostly be talking, no epic space battles this time...
The next half hour consisted mostly of Pinkie Pie excitedly asking Paul all kinds of questions while the other five of them just listened and walked home. The forest was much less scary when the sun was out so they were able to untie Fluttershy. All in all, things were going alright. Paul even entertained them with all kinds of stories of weird creatures he'd fought and places he had been to. Pinkie thought they were amazing but Twilight found them extremely annoying.
Really? Lobster men… How stupid does he think we are? Thought Twilight. Then she got a good idea, maybe she could get him to spill the beans about where he was really from if she asked the right questions. I mean, he was probably just from somewhere outside Equestria where they hadn’t been to before where there were more of these ‘sex raptors’.
"So, Paul. Where did you say you were from?" Asked Twilight interrupting Paul from some story about how he punched a sperm whale to death this one time.
"Well I was born on the sun, just that was like 15 million years ago. I used to be a tungsten farmer while I lived there but I’ve lived in a lot of places since then.” Said Paul like it was common knowledge.
Twilight grit her teeth at that answer, how could anything live on the sun? It was like a big ball of fire. And how could you farm tungsten? “I thought you said you were from really far away in space, the sun is only a few miles away.”
Paul thought what she said was hilarious for some reason and started laughing. Twilight just continued to grit her teeth at how frustrating this conversation was becoming. Finally he wiped a tear from his eye with a claw and spoke again. “The sun is only a few miles away?”
“Yeah, of course,” Twilight wasn’t sure where this question was going. “Princess Celestia raises it every day and it orbits around Ponyland, everypony knows that."
After hearing this Paul went into another fit of laughter which Pinkie joined in on, before long they were both rolling on the ground laughing hysterically for some reason. The others just stopped and stared at them like they were crazy. After at least a minute of rofling Paul finally composed himself enough to speak. “Oh… hehe… I haven’t laughed that hard in a long time…”
Twilights face grew red, why were they laughing at her? Did they think she was joking? “I’m serious!”
“Yeah, that’s what’s so funny.“ Said Paul trying not to have another laughing fit. After a few deep breaths he was finally able to speak without giggling. “No, I grew up on a different sun, billions of miles away. Also the closest star, or the sun you are referring to is about 92 million miles away."
“What? No it’s not, you know how ridiculous that sounds? If it was that far away how would we be able to see it?” Twilight was getting kind of nervous about these questions, talking like this about Celestia’s sun was treason.
“You can see it because it's freaking huge! Most of the stars you see are like billions of miles away but you can see them, those are just more suns. And Celestia doesn’t 'raise the sun', that’s just stupid, the planet rotates around the sun!”
“WHAT! What you’re saying is blasphemy, Celestia said herself that she raises the sun everyday.” Said Twilight defending her mentor.
“Lol, looks like she flat out lied to you. Next you’re gonna’ tell me she controls the moon too…” Said Paul with his signature sex raptor grin.
By Celestia's beard Twilight hated that raptor's stupid grin. She was pretty close to losing it at that point. This raptor was making her really mad and she didn’t like it. How could he possibly say Celestia was lying to them, what could she possibly gain from that? No, he was just ignorant she decided. “No, Princess Luna, her sister, controls the moon. And what could she possibly gain from lying to us?”
"First off, as a tyrant she clearly says she has all that power to defend herself from being attack. No one will attack her if they think she controls the sun. And now there are two princesses? Are there any other princesses you want to tell me about?" Asked Paul.
Twilight didn't like him calling the princess a tyrant, but she decided maybe it was different in his culture or something so she could ignore it for now. "Yeah, ever since the nightmare moon thing princess Luna has been ruling alongside princess Celestia. Also there's Cadence, who married my brother, but she doesn't really participate in the government."
"Cadence sounds pretty useless and I don't care enough about this 'nightmare moon' thing to ask so instead I'm going to explain to you how the moon works. You see, the moon is smaller than 'Ponyland' so it orbits around the planet much like how this planet orbits around the sun. The princesses don't control that, it happens on its own." Paul knew this topic would piss Twilight off so he decided to bring it up again.
Now Twilight knew he was crazy, why the pony hell would the moon just randomly circle their planet on its own? “Pshh whatever you say, you’re even crazier than Lyra with her ‘humans are real’ nonsense. I’m not sure if your really ignorant, really dumb, or both!” Said Twilight a little angrier than she had intended to.
Her friends seemed slightly shocked by her outburst, but Paul just snickered with his big dumb grin. Oh how she hated his grin, why did he think this was so funny? Then he asked it. “U mad filly?”
Twilight could have sworn she switched into red vision at that point. First he insults her, then he insults all her friends, then he calls the princess a lier? She was so mad she was going to stop at nothing to hurt Paul. She had never been this mad before. She screamed angrily and her mane turned into pure flames as she charged at him. Paul just jumped out of the way and started laughing again.
After missing she stopped for a few seconds breathing deeply and she finally calmed down. Why was she getting so angry just from talking to him? It’s like he had a natural talent to piss ponies off. After sitting there for a few seconds she was able to relax enough to think clearly again. She turned to her friends who all just stared at her wondering what to do while Paul leaned against a tree snickering to himself.
Just seeing him there with his big stupid smile laughing to himself like this was all just one big joke finally pushed her over the edge. She swore at that point, she would kill him. She has never felt the need to murder something that much before in her life, but now he was going on her hit list. No one insults everything she loves like that! Of course, this wasn't the time for that, for now she just needed to calm down. She decided she would just not talk to Paul anymore for now so he couldn't piss her off.
Twilight cleared her throat awkwardly as her friends continued to stare. “Lets get going, we’re almost back to Ponyville.” Said Twilight refusing to make eye contact with anyone. It was so embarrassing having acted like that in front of her friends. One more reason to kill Paul.
Unfortunately, she didn't know the first thing about killing. Maybe she could find someone to help her. Or better yet, maybe she could read some books about it... Yes, this would work out perfectly. For the first time that whole trip Twilight smiled, happy about the idea of ending her new enemy's life.
In the meantime they continued walking back towards Ponyville. Paul and Pinkie Pie were now a little ways behind the rest of the group talking about Celestia knows what. The other five ponies were thankful about this. Paul really hadn't made a good first impression and they wanted him as far away as possible.
"So I slit his neck and drank ALL his vital goo, it was hilarious!" Said Paul as him and Pinkie Pie shared another round of laughter. Pinkie really liked Paul for some reason, even though he was extremely rude to all her friends he was really funny. Besides, she felt like she could relate to him.
"Hey, can I tell you a secret?" Asked Pinkie making sure that the rest of the group was far enough away to where they wouldn't hear anything they said.
"Ummm I suppose you can." Said Paul somewhat confused.
"Ok, but you have to promise not to tell ANYPONY about this! All my friends might not want to be friends with me any more if they find out." Said Pinkie more seriously.
"Ummm, Alright, I promise not to tell anypony about this..." Said Paul still slightly confused.
"Do you Pinkie promise?!"
"No, I already promised once. Hop off my balls. Besides, no one will believe anything I say at this point." Said Paul.
"Alright, good enough." Pinkie looked around again before continuing. "I'm kind of a murderer." She had no idea why she felt so compelled to tell Paul about this, she had never told anyone. Maybe it's because she just wanted to get it off her chest and he probably wouldn't judge her for it.
"Meh, is that it? I though you were going to tell me something really crazy." Said Paul clearly not phased by what she had just told him.
"Well it's a really big deal around here! No pony ever does that kind of thing, I just, I can't help it sometimes. I just NEED to kill things."
Paul put a claw up to let her know she didn't need to explain herself anymore. "I understand completely, killing things indiscriminately is the best. I won't tell anyone else that you're a cold blooded killing machine though." It looks like this pink pony isn't so bad after all , thought Paul.
"Woo hoo I knew you would understand! Now we can be the best of friends and I can even throw you a party! Yes a 'welcome to Equestria' party! This is going to be so much fun!" squealed Pinkie Pie. She had replaced her serious tone with her normal upbeat one.
They continued talking for a few more minutes until they reached the edge of the forest. They could clearly see the edge of Ponyville a little ways away, so now they were here. Twilight really hated having this guy come into town, but it was too late to back out now. She would just have to make sure he was on his best behavior.
“Alright Paul.” She commadned. “ While you’re here in Ponyville you have to be nice and not scare any ponies. Or else.”
Paul saw exactly where this conversation was going, she wanted him to play nice so now she was going to try to intimidate him to assert herself as the dominant one in this relationship. Paul wasn’t about to let that happen. “Or else what?” He asked.
“Or else I send the royal guard a letter telling them that there’s a monster terrorizing the town and they can come pick you up for themselves!” Said Twilight angrily.
Paul was hardly threatened by the prospect of being attacked by a bunch of small ponies. He had fought the deadliest creatures and won, what chance did ponies have? “Listen here Twilight, I understand exactly what you’re doing, you’re trying to intimidate me, but that’s not gonna’ work because I doesn’t afraid of your royal guards. In fact, I doesn’t afraid of anything.”
Twilight wasn’t sure what bothered her more, the fact that he was back talking her, or the fact that his grammar was horrid. “You should be scared of them!” Twilight honestly couldn’t think of anything better to say.
“Simmer down now purple guy, I’ll behave. Though I have to admit, your royal guard doesn’t sound threatening in the least and if they arrest me I might even get a chance to talk to Celestia. However, I told Pinkie I would let her throw me a ‘welcome party’ so I’ll be good at least until then.” Said Paul.
“Woohoo! I’ll start setting it up right away! This is gonna’ be so exciting! There’ll be cake and balloons and I’m going to invite everypony…. EVERYPONY! ” Pinkie said the last word in a very serious voice before hopping off towards the town.
Everypony else started walking off after her except for Twilight who reluctantly turned to Paul. “Where are you going to stay while you’re here?” She asked with a sigh. She couldn't just let him wander around Ponyville completely unsupervised, he would no doubt cause trouble.
“Wellllll, since the others already left it looks like I’m bunking with you.” Paul said.
Twilight visually flinched at the idea of being roommates with this monster. “Oh no! You’re not coming anywhere near my home!” Yelled Twilight.
“Come now Twilight, I thought we were friends, you wouldn’t just leave your friend out in the cold dirt would you?” He asked as though he was deeply hurt by Twilight’s refusal to invite him to stay in her house.
Twilight was about to downright refuse to allow him into her home when she remembered that she wanted to kill him. Yes, if he was living there it would be even easier to do, she could even play it off as a household accident! It would be perfect! “Fine…” She grunted. She didn’t like it, but perhaps the joy she’d feel when standing over his freshly murdered and mutilated corpse would make up for the endless suffering he would no doubt inflict on her while they roomed together.
Paul, on the other hand, didn’t really care if Twilight let him stay with her. He could easily sleep in the forest without any problems and he’d played enough mine craft to know how to make a house out of just about anything. However, staying with Twilight gave him an opportunity he just couldn’t pass up, the opportunity to troll the hell out of her. He decided at that point that the trolling would be glorious. “Alright, so where do you live?’
With a sigh, Twilight turned and started walking off towards her library home with Paul following closely behind.
Everypony in Ponyville just stared awkwardly at them as they walked by. At least they didn't run off screaming. Probably because they assumed he was just a small dragon and not some murderous space raptor. And he was walking with Twilight, that too.
After a short walk they made it to a big tree that stood awkwardly in the middle of town. Paul noticed a door and several windows, as well as a balcony built into the tree and assumed it was some kind of house. This was confirmed when Twilight walked up and pushed the door open calling out to someone named ‘Spike’. Probably a dog or something with that name. Then again, they all had dumb names.
Paul then followed Twilight through the pony sized door which he had to duck slightly to get through. Once inside he saw that it really was a library. Bookshelves lined every wall and were all crammed with various tomes or scrolls. “Well that’s cute, you live in a library?” Asked Paul.
Twilight tried to ignore the way he asked that and responded with a simple “Yes.” before calling out to spike again.
“Just a second Twilight! I’m up stairs!” Came a voice from another room.
“Well we have a- ugh… guest here.” Said Twilight.
Once she mentioned a guest what Paul assumed to be Spike came running down the stairs excitedly. Apparently they didn’t get out much so he enjoyed the company or something. Whatever it was it looked like a football and a raptor had mated and created an abomination that only a world full of colorful ponies could ever tolerate. He stopped a few feet away from Paul and stared at him curiously. Time to piss Twilight off some more.
“That’s a really ugly dog.” Said Paul.
Twilight’s face contorted as if she was in pain just from him even saying that. It looked like she was about to try to club him to death with her hooves right there, but after a few seconds she let out a sigh and gently spoke. “This is Spike, he’s a baby dragon, and he’s very sensitive, so I’d appreciate if you would be nice.”
Luckily Spike either didn't hear the insult or he didn't understand. “I’m not sensitive!” Argued Spike, “I’m too manly for girly emotions like that.”
Twilight was about to scold him for his sexist opinion, but Paul was too quick. “That’s right bro, we don’t need any of that girly stuff, we’re men.” The kid could use some male influence in his life and this would no doubt annoy Twilight who tried really hard to conceal her anger.
This wasn’t working out so well for her, she wanted him dead and she knew it would be MUCH easier if he was in her home, but he was already driving her to the edge. He’d only been there for like 2 minutes so far! She really wasn’t sure how much more of this she could take, she nearly attacked him outright when he insulted spike. Now he was blatantly giving spike ideas that are the complete opposite of her own.
She had faced discord, nightmare moon, and Chrysalis, but she could safely say that even if they all somehow mated and created an annoying all powerful offspring it wouldn’t be nearly as horrible as Paul. She would have to kill him soon before he did anything that would make her lose her cool again. The only problem is she couldn’t possibly do it before Pinkie’s party, she would be devastated! No, she would just have to play it super cool, how much damage could he possibly do anyways? During her inner monologue Spike and Paul had walked off somewhere. She hadn’t even noticed.
After a few moments of searching she found them upstairs in the bedroom that they shared setting up the guest bedroom. “No!” Shouted Twilight. Spike just stared at her in confusion while Paul gave her his signature smirk. “You’re not sleeping in here!”
Paul looked deeply hurt as he turned to Spike clutching his chest in one claw. “Sorry buddy, I guess I won’t be able to teach you all kinds of cool things. I guess Twilight just doesn’t like me as a friend, I just try so hard.” by now it looked like he was on the verge of tears. “ Looks like I’ll be sleeping in the dumps again tonight kiddo, don’t worry about me *cough* I’ll be fine. *cough cough*.”
Spike now looked like he was on the verge of tears himself from Paul’s display. Then he turned to Twilight. “How could you Twilight! He comes here looking for friends and you just kick him out like that? Princess Celestia would be very ashamed if she could see you now!” Spike said crossing his arms.
“Ummm… I meant he can’t sleep in this room, let’s set up the bed downstairs.” Said Twilight awkwardly.
Spike looked happy with this, he didn’t have a lot of friends and their new guest seemed pretty cool.
Twilight shot Paul a glare as she turned around and pulled the mattress out of the room with her magic. Paul remained impassive with his grin. She just kept reminding herself how much more satisfying it would be when she finally killed him. She took the mattress and put it down in the main room in one of the corners. She also got a pillow and blanket for Paul. She didn’t want to, but she also didn’t want Spike to think she was being mean to their guest. Spike seemed to like him, maybe he wasn’t so bad after all. Maybe he was trying to be nice but he was just weird. No! She pushed those thoughts out of her head, he was clearly pure evil.
Yeah, stuff happened. Will Twilight be able to murder our hero and protagonist? Will Pinkie Pie really invite everypony to the party? Will Rarity get any more lines in the future? Well I guess you'll find out whenever the hell I post more chapters that explain that.
I hope the chapter's title didn't have too many spoilers for you guys.
Hey guys, here's another chapter. I know you're all super excitement about it, I sure am.
Several hours had passed and Twilight was finally ale to relax. After setting up Paul's bed she pretty much locked herself in her room to avoid any further conversations with that horrible raptor. At least they were being quiet wherever they were. Then it occurred to Twilight that she hadn't heard Spike or Paul in a long time. Whatever, they probably went out somewhere, she didn't even care at this point. She was reading a book about war tactics, and although it was interesting, she decided it probably wouldn't help her with what she was planning. She levitated it over to the desk and set it down before heading into the main part of the library to pick out another book.
She still didn't see any sign of Paul or Spike which confirmed that they must have gone somewhere. She just sighed before grabbing the book she knew she wanted off the shelf with her magic. 'A Guide to Monster Slaying' might be helpful even though there wasn't anything in it about sex raptors. She carried the book back to her room and opened it to the first page. After a few seconds she became confused, this wasn't right.
She flipped the book closed again and saw what the problem was. This was 'Baking for Dumb Unicorns', not what she wanted. Now she was very confused, she had grabbed the book from exactly where she knew it should have been at. She had been living in that library for long enough to have pretty much memorized where all the books are.
Now she had a mystery to solve and she would get to the bottom of it. Twilight hurried down the stairs with the book in tow and examined where she got it from on the book shelf.
"No..." Gasped Twilight before going on to the next bookshelf. "No No NO!" She checked bookshelf after bookshelf but it was all the same, the books were all out of place. "No... It's not fair... It's not fair! Who would perform such an atrocity?!" She knew exactly who, it was that damn raptor. He had ruined her perfectly organized library! He was just asking for it now. "By the power vested in me by the country of Equestria I swear on Celestia's legs that I WILL REND HIS MOTHER BUCKING SKIN FROM HIS STUPID HEAD!"
As Twilight screamed this she heard a noise from behind her. Turning to look she saw a pony standing in the doorway awkwardly.
"Ummm, I'll just be going... This looks like a bad time..." Said Bon Bon in her original voice .
Twilight just sat there awkwardly as Bon Bon left. That sure was embarrassing...
All the more reason to kill Paul. Unfortunately she couldn't think about that right now. She had a library to reorganize. She was much too OCD to just leave it the way it was. She started by pulling all the books off the shelves and stacking them neatly with her magic. Simple enough, now she had to put them all back in the right places though. As she started she noticed a piece of paper sitting on the table, probably a note from Spike saying where they were going. So she did the most sensible thing you could possibly do at that moment and she read it.
Dear Twalit,
I noticed that the library was a real mess, it looked like it hadn't been organized in years. So I decided to help out and reorganize all the books for you. No need to thank me, just doing my job as your new roommate. Also we're out of milk, you're gonna' want to go pick some of that up from the store next time you're out. I'd do it but I have no money. Oh, who am I kidding? I don't care about milk. Anyways, Spike and I went outside somewhere.
Sincerely, your loving roommate Paul
PS: Can you point your fingers and do the twist?
Yep, looks like she was correct, this was all Paul's fault.
Meanwhile, somewhere outside!
"So I say to him, if you're going to serve me oil, at least do a background check to make sure it wasn't one of my dinosaur friends!" Said Paul, thus finishing his anecdote.
Spike thought all of these stories were amazing, he wished he could go on all kinds of crazy adventures like him. Oh well, in the mean time Spike had convinced Paul to go out to a quarry and dig for gems with him. Seeing as though he was a dragon, at least Spike thought he was, he must like eating gems. He knew it was dangerous here, there was a pack of diamond dogs that lived nearby, but with Paul around nothing could possibly go wrong.
"Hey! i found one!" Said Paul excitedly. He had just unearthed a small rectangular sapphire. Paul honestly didn't think he would find one that easily, usually gems like that are precious and rare but supposedly they are quite common here.
They continued digging for a little over an hour and by that point they had a few handfuls of gems. Or should I say 'clawfuls'? Then they felt some vibrations from under the ground and Paul's raptor senses started to tingle.
After a few seconds they saw what was making the rumbling as it emerged from the ground. It was actually a bunch of stupid looking dog things that came out of holes. Unlike normal dogs, however, they stood up on their back legs and were carrying various crudely made weapons. Mostly just sticks with sharpened rocks on the end, but good enough.
Then the biggest dog that they could only assume to be the leader spoke. "Give us your shinies lizards!" It sounded like you would imagine a dog thing to sound like if dog things could talk. At least they weren't talking cats, cats sound ridiculous when they talk.
"Let me get this straight, YOU want to take OUR gems?" Asked Paul.
"Yes! Give them to use now lizard!" Yelled the diamond dog once again.
"Or what?" Paul smiled, he knew exactly where this was going. He wasn't scared at all of these dog things, like they could ever kill him. Spike, on the other claw (;P), had backed up against Paul's leg, clearly afraid of the dogs.
"Or we will take them from you!" Cried the diamond dog as though it was obvious.
Paul smirked even harder, Aha! They had fallen right into his trap! It was so carefully laid out, they would never see it coming. They were in for it now. "Can't let you do that Starfox!" YES! He got them soooo good. That was a classic and he set it up perfectly!
“We are not fox we are diamond dogs! Now give us gems puny lizards!!!!”
Paul was dissapoint to say the least, he had set that up so well and none of them even got it. Oh well, now these dogs wanted a fight so he would give one to them. Paul just pointed at the biggest diamond dog who was clearly their leader and made a gesture with his claw while saying “Come at me bro!” it was pretty much the coolest thing you could possibly do in that situation.
With that said, all of the dogs did come at him bro. They ran at Paul with their weapons at the ready, they were in for it now. Before they could even get close, he jumped at the nearest one and kicked it in the head. His talons easily skewered its brain killing it instantly. Then, with a flick of his ankle he threw the corpse at the nearest diamond dog knocking it over with the body.
Then he saw one of the dogs about to strike Spike with its crudely made spear. He may be a jerk, but he couldn't just let them kill Spike, that's irresponsible. He quickly jumped back to where spike was and latched onto the attacking diamond dog's head with his teeth and shook his head violently. It was enough the break the dog's spine and it fell limp to the ground.
Then one of the diamond dogs behind Paul got the bright idea to slap him in the back with a big rock it was carrying. Paul didn't even flinch, he just stood their motionless for a second before slowly turning his head 180 degrees on its axis and starring directly at the diamond dog. It visibly shrunk under his gaze and started trembling.
"Shhh shhh, it's ok sport." Whispered Paul. "Accidents happen. Here you go." He pulled a loaded revolver from his chest cavity and handed it to the dog who was shaking extremely hard at this point. It didn't know what the thing was but it understood exactly what it had to do.
With a shaky hand the dog put the revolver to its head before taking a few deep breaths and finally pulling the trigger.
"Good-night, sweet prince; and flights of angles sing thee to thy rest." Said Pul before turning to fight the other diamond dogs. Luckily, even in the middle of the fighting, they were considerate enough to give Paul plenty of time to do all of that.
Next a diamond dog with a sharpened rock spear started charging with the point pointed right at him. Paul was hardly impressed and he just slapped the weapon out of its hands with one claw as soon as it got close enough. The Diamond dog just stopped for a second looking extremely confused about his attack being thwarted so easily. Paul gave his opponent a few seconds to regroup himself before he grabbed it on either side of its head with his claws and tore its skull in half.
Then Paul sighed, this was fun and all, but he was just messing around with these dogs. Maybe he should just finish this. With that thought he channeled a stream of economic energon from subspace into the form of a large sword. Economic energon is blue in case you were wondering. He then proceeded to slice through any diamond dog that got within his reach. It was easy, like cutting butter with a warm economic energon sword. Within seconds Paul was surrounded by the mutilated bodies of over a dozen dogs.
After seeing so many of their comrades dispatched so easily the remaining diamond dogs stopped their uncoordinated attack and started to back off. Paul knew victory was at hand now, the only thing keeping the remaining diamond dogs from running home crying was the fact that their leader was still there. That would be easy enough to fix.
Paul then turned towards the alpha dog, who was yelling insults at the other dogs and trying to get them to continue the attack, and jumped up as high as he could in the air. The dog noticed the sudden movement and looked up to see Paul over thirty feet up above him with his glowing blue sword. "GREAT ETHER!" Shouted Paul as he came down on top of the alpha dog easily slicing it in half in one motion.
The remaining dogs just looked at their leader in horror as he sudden split into two pieces from Paul's attack. Without another word they turned and ran off whimpering like little puppies.
Paul just smirked like always, he was victory once again. Nothing could bring him down, he was just toooo good.
Of course the fight wasn't over yet. The various pieces of dead diamond dogs started moving on their own towards one edge of the quarry. Paul just stared at this in confusion. Are they supposed to do that? The various pieces of corpses then started molding together in some ungodly way. After about thirty seconds the abomination was finished creating itself. It was basically just a writhing mass of dog limbs that looked somewhat reminiscent of a sea urchin.
Paul hardly understood what just happened, but he wasn't about to question it. He honestly just didn't care at this point. Then the ball of reanimated diamond dogs started rolling at Paul, pushing off the ground with its many limbs. Paul was about to simply dodge out of the way when he noticed Spike right in the thing's roll-jectory (I made that word up just now) still curled in a ball on the ground. Paul instead leapt in and grabbed Spike before jumping to the side and narrowly avoiding over two thousand pounds of meat.
Luckily Spike was here to add a little bit of a challenge, otherwise this would just be too easy. The ball monster quickly righted itself and started rolling back towards Paul once again. This time he simply jumped up avoiding it. He could just keep dodging it all day, but that's lame. Instead he put Spike down and focused his economic energon into his claws to charge up his next attack. The thing was hardly deterred by how easily Paul had dodged it and it immediately came around for another chance to crush its opponent.
Unfortunately, before it could get close enough Paul let out his economic energon in the form of a laser which easily pierced the ball monster's flesh. It stopped there for a few seconds gushing blood everywhere from the attack before it simply exploded from the massive discharge of energon. Guts rained down showering everything within a hundred yards in blood. It was pretty cool.
At this point Spike was starting to get confused. He was terrified of the diamond dogs so as soon as they started to attack he curled into a ball too scared to do anything else. He had expected for them to have struck him down by this point though. He heard the sounds of fighting but now it was all quiet. Maybe they got away? Spike decided to chance lifting his head to see what was going on.
What he saw would have given most children his age nightmares for years to come. A few meters away Paul stood victoriously atop a large mound of what he could only assume to be the mangled and now unrecognizable flesh of the attacking diamond dogs. He was completely covered in blood while casually eating the arm of one of his enemies while his long golden hair flowed freely in the wind. Ok, he didn't have any hair, but that would be pretty cool. Then Spike noticed that literally everything in the immediate area was caked in blood, including himself. This sure would be hard to explain to Twilight. Spike quickly forgot about that as he realized how cool Paul was and ran up to him.
Paul had already discarded the arm he was munching on. It was far too chewy for his liking, it looks like he'd have to go out and find something else to eat later. But that could wait till Twilight and every other pony went to sleep. Then Paul noticed Spike was finally up and was looking at him like he was the most amazing thing ever, which he pretty much was. Paul just smiled, at least he wasn't completely traumatized from the grizzly scene there.
"Hey kid, looks like it's about time to head home." Paul picked up his pile of gems and started walking back toward Ponyville with Spike following closely behind.
"Oh my Celestia that was so amazing! I thought we were goners for sure!" Said Spike excitedly. Then he remembered Twilight. "Ummm Paul, can you not tell Twilight about going to the quarry? She'll get really mad at me."
"Meh, no problem, I'll just make up some excuse for why we're all covered in blood." Said Paul casually. He was pretty good at lying.
Needless to say, they got a lot of strange looks as they walked back through town towards the library.
Alright, so Paul ate an arm, I thought the title summed this chapter up quite nicely. I should mention that I probably won't update quite as often in the future. I've been typing this a lot over the past two days because I haven't really had anything to do. That's subject to change, Especially since Diaplo 3 comes out at 3:00am (Stupid blizzard and its west coast time) so I'll probably waste some time playing that.
I'm clearly not the best at writing to start with, but I also end up going over the chapters several times before I actually submit them. It takes time.
Paul makes cooking look easy
Authors Note: Wooooo it's typin tyme!
When Paul got back to the library everything went better than expected. Mainly because Twilight was asleep so she couldn't interrogate them on why they were completely covered in blood. He just assumed she tired herself out from the fit of rage she no doubt experienced after she found out he reorganized the library. Either way, they were able to wash themselves off so now she would never know. By this point it was getting dark and Spike went to get some sleep leaving Paul alone to sleep on his mattress.
Paul wasn't going to sleep though, sleep is for idiot heads. Besides, he was hungry and now that all of the ponies were going to bed he could go out and get himself a proper meal. He briefly wondered whether or not the ponies would even care if he ate meat, they never said anything about it. Whatever, he would just go out into the forest and rustle him up some grub.
"Hoo!" Came a noise from outside the window.
Paul looked out the window to see a big brown owl flying around outside of the library.
"Hoo! Hoo!"
Now it was just being annoying. Then Paul got an amazing idea, why go out to get food when there was food here? Of course, now he had to catch it. That would hardly be a problem for someone as skilled in all things as Paul.
He quickly snuck out the door making sure to make as little noise as possible so the owl wouldn't know he was coming. Once he was out he climbed into a bush that was growing next to the library tree. The owl had perched itself on a branch next to one of the windows. Perfect, from his position Paul had a good vantage point on the owl and it didn't seem to have noticed him there. Now he just needed to take the shot.
Luckily, Paul is really good aim. After a few seconds of checking the wind speed to make sure he would hit it, he fired an economy laser out of his mouth and hit the owl dead on. It wasn't a very powerful laser but it was enough to kill the owl causing it to fall to the ground in a heap of feathers.
"Thanks for standin' still!"
Yes! Paul would eat like a king tonight! The laser may have cooked the corpse slightly, but Paul wasn't about to eat such a glorious meal without cooking it properly. He simply went inside, scraped off all the feathers with his claws, and tossed it into the oven.
Cooking is easy. Thought Paul.
It only took about an hour till it was finished and he was able to enjoy his meal. There wasn't a whole lot of meat on it, but Paul wasn't picky. Now that he was satisfied he cleaned up and disposed of all the feathers and bones in a hole that he dug in the backyard, no one would ever know.
Ok..... Now what? Paul realized at this point that he now had nothing to do. Even after catching and cooking some food it was still early in the night. He could just sleep, but where's the fun in that? He had a lot of hobbies, but most of those had to do with controversial genetic experiments or building super weapons. Perhaps he shouldn't do those while he was living there.
After thinking about it a little bit, Paul decided to just go for a walk, maybe something interesting would happen.
Then something really interesting happened, unfortunately it's not going to be featured in this story. You'll just have to use your imagination.
Paul got home early in the morning before anyone would wake up. He was in the mood for waffles (as always) and decided to make some using Twilight's kitchen. It didn't take him long, as Paul clearly stated before 'cooking is easy'. He had just finished making a batch of them when he heard some footsteps coming down the stairs. No... Not footsteps, it sounded more like a horse. Or, not a horse, more like a small pony. Perhaps purple and with a horn. Then Purple guy walked into the room confirming that it was in fact a small purple pony with a horn.
"What are you doing?" Asked Twilight. She looked like she had just gotten out of bed, which she likely had, and her mane was all messed up.
"Just making some waffles."
Twilight's ears perked up after hearing this. Did he say... waffles? Twilight loved waffles, it was probably her favorite breakfast. "Ummm can I have some?" She briefly forgot how much she hated Paul.
"Sure." Paul stated while grabbing another plate and stacking several waffles onto it before setting it down on the table.
Twilight walked up and sniffed the waffles to make sure they were ok. Well, Paul was eating them, they probably weren't poisoned. But maybe he had built up an immunity to a type of poison so only she would die from it! No, that's just ridiculous. He's not trying to kill me. I'm just being paranoid. Despite her dislike for Paul she decided that waffles are worth death anyways so she took a bite. It was good, but a little dry. She looked up from her plate to see Paul handing her a bottle of syrup.
"You don't eat waffles without syrup..." Said Paul as though it was obvious.
She then levitated the bottle of syrup out of Paul's grasp causing him to jump back.
"Dafuq?! Now you have crazy mind powers?" Yelled Paul.
"Huh? You mean magic?"
"No, I'm talking about you using your witchcraft telekinesis to levitate that syrup!"
"First off, it's not witchcraft. Second, it IS magic, every unicorn can do it, that's why we're the master race." She said.
"Ok, so you're telling me that every unicorn can do magic?"
"Yes." Twilight stated bluntly.
"And this makes you superior to the other ponies?"
"Obviously."
"Then why haven't you enslaved or killed off the other races of ponies yet?" Asked Paul.
Twilight was somewhat confused by the question, why hadn't they done that? It would make sense. "Well, I guess it's because friendship is the most important thing in the world and part of being a good friend is overcoming your differences with others." Said Twilight satisfied with her answer.
"Woah, wait a second. So this is a super happy colorful world filled with super happy colorful mythical creatures and ruled by super happy mythical unicorn birds that, after being alive for thousands of years, want nothing more than to spread the idea of friendship?" Asked Paul. It was all starting to sink in.
Twilight didn't understand where this was going. "Umm, I guess so."
"And you can do 'magic'?" Asked Paul.
"Yes, every unicorn can, and even pegasus and earth ponies use magic unintentionally. In fact, everything runs on magic!" Said Twilight as though it was fact.
"Despite how stupid that sounds, I'm inclined to believe you only because I don't care enough to argue about it. But that's not what I'm getting at. Colorful talking ponies, perfectly ideal world with magic, terrible writing... Oh God! I'm in some kind of horrible fanfic aren't I?!" Shouted Paul.
"Ummm.... What?" Asked Twilight. This conversation was starting to sound very reminiscent of the ones she's had with Pinkie Pie.
"Oh, nothing. Don't worry about it, I'm sure that's not the case anyways." Paul looked around to make sure no one had noticed his outburst. "Anyways, how are you liking those waffles?"
He was obviously changing the subject, but Twilight didn't want to question him any more, he just seemed crazy."They're pretty good, where'd you learn to cook?" She asked more to start a conversation than to actually learn where he'd learned to cook.
"Cooking is easy, I'm lvl 99 and I have a skill cape and everything. No big deal. I learned to cook on the sun when I had to eat my children to survive." Said Paul.
"Here we go again with this sun nonsense, how could you possibly have lived on the sun? It's a big ball of fire!"
"Wait a second. You believe in magic, yet you can't believe that I lived on the sun?" Asked Paul through a mouthful of waffles.
"Well, at this point I'm pretty sure you're just making all of this up and you are actually just from another place outside of Equestria where we have never been before. Your story doesn't make any sense, how could anything possibly live on the sun?!"
"Well, you can believe whatever you like, I don't care. But the sun is only 10,000 degrees fahrenheit on the surface, I could live in twice that many degrees!"
Twilight wasn't buying that, 10,000 degrees was enough to melt just about anything. "Ok, prove it." Now she had him, he couldn't take that kind of heat, either he would have to back out making him look like an idiot, or he would kill himself. Yes! This was perfect!
"Alright, this doesn't sound like a poorly thought out plan to make me kill myself, so I'll prove it to you since I have nothing else to do." He walked over to the oven pulling out the metal trays inside to make it more roomy.
"What are you doing now?" Asked Twilight once again confused by his strange behavior.
"Well, I had no plans for today, so I'm going to sit in this oven. Go ahead and turn it on as high as you want, I don't care." With that he crawled into the oven.
Twilight was slightly confused as to what to do, it's like he wanted her to kill him. That oven could go up to over 500 degrees! There's no way he would survive, besides, he would run out of air after a little while. I suppose Pinkie will just have to go without her party. She'll be upset but she'll get over it. Besides, this is perfect, I can just say this was a cooking accident, technically he is the one who went into the oven. Besides, only my friends and I even know who he is, no one will care if he dies. Twilight wore a devilish grin as she closed the oven and set it to its highest temperature.
She was so happy, she just couldn't help it. "YES! YES! "
Then Spike walked in and ruined her amazing moment. "Jeez, I was trying to sleep but you kept making a ton of noise. What are you cooking? It smells good." He asked as he walked into the room and over to the oven. He opened it only to see Paul sitting there looking at him.
"Sup." Said Paul.
Spike simply closed the oven and walked over to the table grabbing some waffles for himself. "Do I even want to know what that's about?"
"Well... He ugh... Wanted to prove a point, he said that he could live in the oven or something even though it's like five hundred degrees. " She said awkwardly.
"And you didn't believe him? He's a dragon isn't he? I can literally swim in lava without being hurt at all..."
Twilight face hoofed, she completely forgot that dragons can live in such high temperatures. Paul is practically a dragon so five hundred degrees is nothing. She cried a little inside when she realized that he wasn't going to die. Oh well, maybe he would suffocate. Besides, she had things to do today so she left the table after finishing her waffles. Spike would clean up the mess, he only exists to serve her.
Seconds turned to minutes, minutes turned to hours, and hours turned to several hours. Twilight had finally finished all the stuff she needed to do and was heading back to home tree. It was just a bunch of stuff her friends needed her to do, no big deal. She got home and walked in the door to see Paul sitting in a chair reading a book.
He sat up when he heard her come in and he put the book down on the table while pulling off his reading glasses. "Now where have you been all day young lady?" He asked in a stern voice.
"Ummm, I was with my friends."
"And you didn't think to tell me that you were going out all day? I was worried sick! What if you got pony napped!" Asked Paul.
"What!? Why would that even happen?! Besides you aren't even my father!" She yelled.
"I thought we were past this. I may not be your real father, but I don't see him here now, do you?!"
"No.. I guess not."
"Exactly!" Said Paul satisfied that he had gotten his point across.
"Wait... What are we even talking about?" Asked Twilight.
"Honestly, I have no idea, I just went with it." Said Paul.
Then there was a very awkward silence as they both just stood there avoiding eye contact. It was awkward to the point where Twilight knew that she had to do something to keep it from going on any longer. "So... How was the oven?" She asked hoping to break the tension.
"Meh, it was boring. I tried reading some books but they just burst into flames after a while."
"What! You destroyed my books?!" She asked now angry at the prospect of her books being burnt.
"No, the oven did that. Maybe if someone hadn't told me to go into the oven in the first place they would still be alive today!" Said Paul.
"WHAT! Don't try to blame me, I'm not the one who put books in the oven!" Said Twilight.
"Well, either way, those books are gone now. No reason to cry over spilled books." Said Paul as he put his reading glasses on and started reading again as though nothing had happened.
Twilight just sighed, arguing with him was pointless. At least he didn't burn down the whole library... Then she remembered something. "Hey, did you see Owlicious last night? He's a brown owl that comes by sometimes to help around the library. I told him to come over last night but I ended up falling asleep after I cleaned up YOUR MESS."
Oooooh shit! It looks like that owl that Paul ate was Twilight's helper. It even had a name! He couldn't tell her that he killed it. Oh well, he disposed of the evidence, she would never know. "Oh, I heard some owl making noise outside but I just ignored it because I thought it was just a random bird. It flew away after a while." At least Paul was pretty good at lying.
"Oh, well I'll have to apologize to him." Said Twilight as she walked up the stairs to her room.
Yes! Crisis averted! Paul got up and did a fist pump. She would never suspect a thing, who would blame an innocent little sex raptor for something like that?
So yeah, no new chapters for like 6 days. I've been playing lots of Diaplo 3. Don't judge me, it's a good game and I don't regret wasting hours of my time playing it. Besides, no one cares if I don't update. So yeah, maybe some more stuff will happen next time, stick around for that!
Paul hits things with a fish
Authors Note: If you're reading this than congratulations. I just want you to know that I appreciate you wasting your time to read something that I wasted my time typing.
It was early the next morning and Paul was drinking some coffee while sitting on a small stool clearly built for a pony in twilight's library. He had been reading all about pony society and 'magic' (which he still thought was stupid) because he was really bored. He'd already gone through at least a dozen books seeing as though he didn't sleep at all at night. Sleep is for idiot heads, and if there is one thing Paul isn't, it's an idiot head.
Then there was a knock on the door! Who could it possibly be at this hour? Twilight seemed to be thinking the same thing as she came down the stairs with a groan. She had clearly just woken up judging by how messed up her mane was, it was always messy in the morning. She walked over to the door and opened it with her magic to reveal a bouncing Pinkie Pie standing outside.
"Hey! I came by to give you an invitation to the super fantastic 'welcome to ponyland' party I'm throwing for Paul tonight! It's going to be the best!" Yelled Pinkie Pie in an energetic manner that almost made it seem like it wasn't way too early in the morning for anyone to be that hyper.
"Ummm... Ok?" Said Twilight. After thinking about it for a few seconds she realized she didn't have anything important planned for later so she nodded. "I'll be there!"
"Oh that's amazing! Also tell Paul he's invited! And Spike too, tell everypony!"
"Ummm, exactly how many ponies are you inviting to this party?" Asked Twilight nervously.
"All of them, I told you I was inviting EVERYPONY!" Said Pinkie Pie before turning and bouncing off, presumably to invite somepony else to the party.
Twilight stood there for a second before turning and yelling. "Hey Paul!"
"Yeah, yeah. I heard, I'm invited to a party. Where and when is it?"
Twilight looked down at the paper that Pinkie had given to her and read it quickly. "7 o' clock in the middle of Ponyville."
"Kthnx." Said Paul before returning to his book. It was a book about ancient pony wars and it was just getting to the good part. For some raison (yes raison), Paul found the idea of fluffy little ponies fighting a war adorable.
Several hours passed and he was done with his book. Sadly it wasn't very long because the ponies had hardly fought in any battles, and none of them would even be considered wars by Paul's standards. It was fun while it lasted, but now Paul was bored and he needed something to do. He could just read more books, but he had been doing that all night and now he was starting to get tired of it. Then an idea popped into his head, why not another adventure? Last time he went outside he went on an adventure and it was amazing, why not do it again? Just this time it would actually be featured in this story.
Now that he had a goal Paul set out on his journey. He walked out of the library and into the Everefree forest. You don't have adventures in pony town, that's just dumb. Paul continued walking for a short time taking in the scenery. He really liked how all the trees looked like angry faces, it gave the place a unique atmosphere. Luckily Paul doesn't afraid of anything.
Unfortunately he was so focused on the trees he didn't see the object laying across his path and he tripped.
"Ouch." Said Paul as he pushed himself up off the ground. "That was embarrassing." He dusted himself off quickly before turning to see what he had tripped on. It looked like a trout of some kind, maybe 20 pounds at most. It was also breathing in that way fish breathe when they are out of water. That raises all kinds of questions as to why there is a living trout in the middle of the forest.
"Go back!" Said the trout in a voice that sounded like a dehydrated trout.
"Woah bro, I'm not going anywhere until you answer some questions." Said Paul.
"Fine, what is it?"
"Well first off, you're a trout. You breathe in the water, this is not in the water you idiot." Said Paul.
"That wasn't even a question." Said the trout slightly frustrated.
"Oh I know, I haven't gotten to the questions yet. I'm just pointing out that you're an idiot before we go any further. Now then, first question. What's your name?" Asked Paul.
"I am known as Steve THE DEVOURER OF SOULS!" Said the trout in an overly dramatic voice.
"Now that's just stupid, souls provide no nutrition whatsoever and they taste like liquified hair. Devouring them would make you an ever bigger idiot. With that said, I'm just going to call you Steve."
"Fine, whatever." Said Steve while crossing his imaginary arms.
"Alright, I didn't know fish were educated enough to talk here. Where did you go to school?" Paul tried not to snicker at his own horrible joke.
"Harvard fish medical school. I'm kind of a big deal." Said Steve.
"So you're a doctor?"
"Yeah, a doctor at being a fish!" Said Steve in a mocking tone (If you didn't understand the joke it's from some stupid sci-fi movie called 'Cabin Fever').
"Loool. Alright, next question. What are you doing in the middle of the woods like this?"
"Well I was enjoying the pleasant scenery until you kicked me in the gills. You should apologize for that by the way."
"I'm not going to apologize for you sitting in a stupid place. Also, how did you get here?" Asked Paul.
"Well it all started when my parents got very drunk at this party in high school-"
"Hehe, I see where you're going with that. I'd like to skip your dumb life story. How about you start with things that happened recently that put you here." Interrupted Paul.
"Fine, I was going to go into excruciating detail too. It was going to be good." Said Steve a little disappointed. "Anyways, I was just minding my own fish business in the river. I wasn't hurting anyone, I'm a fish! I don't do anything bad ever! Then suddenly out of nowhere some pony scoops me out of the water and brings me here and casts some spell on me. That was two days ago. All I want now is to feel the cold embrace of death, but it's just not happening. I feel like my life is just a big joke at this point."
"Well that was a cool story and all, but I just assumed nothing is able to die in this world since it's all magical and happy and stuff."
"That's a stupid thing to assume." Said the fish bluntly.
"Well I only assume it because when I killed some dog things they came back from the dead and attacked me again."
"Oh, that makes sense. Yeah there's this necromancer in the woods who has been being a real dick lately. He's probably the one who did this to me too, I didn't get a very good look though."
Paul was happy now, He knew exactly where this was going. "Well then, there's a necromancer, you want revenge, and I'm bored. This looks like adventure material right here."
"You mean you want to kill the necromancer?" Asked Steve, "Because that sounds like a really stupid idea. I'm a fish, I don't do anything ever. However, I have no choice in this matter because I'm pretty much stuck here, so whatever, let's go on an adventure."
"Gooood goooood." Paul said as he rubbed his hands together. "Then you will be my companion in this epic quest that I am now setting off on." Paul then picked up Steve and started walking along the road. "So do you have any idea where the necromancer is?" Asked Paul.
"Nope." Responded Steve who was just along for the ride now.
"Alright, I guess we'll just walk around randomly until something happens, that usually works for me.
So they did just that. They walked around randomly through the forest, or more specifically, Paul walked around. Steve was just along for the ride.
"So does it usually take this long for things to happen?" Asked Steve. He was pretty bored of just walking around.
"Meh. Sometimes it takes years, usually it just takes a little while though. And since I'm not planning on being in the forest all night, something should happen soon. Just the fact that we're having this conversation means something will probably happen any second now." Said Paul.
"I don't even know what you mean by that, but I'll just take your word for it." Replied Steve in his usual voice. "By the way, what the hell is a sex raptor anyways? It just sounds like you made that up honestly."
"Well I was originally just an ordinary raptor before I was exiled to earth. Back then everyone was either giant sea scorpions or fish, so I decided to evolve into a giant sea scorpion. It was fun for a while, then there was this big war between the scorpions and the fish. The fish eventually evolved into land creatures so the ocean was pretty lame. I, at that point, decided to evolve into a land creature. But I wasn't just going to turn into a raptor again, so I decided to become a sex raptor. It's like a normal raptor just better in every way." Said Paul proudly.
"That is possibly the stupidest story I've ever heard and I hate you for even telling me it. I hope you die and burn eternally in whatever hell an uncouth abomination like you goes to when the world is blessed with your death." Said Steve.
"Yeah." Paul laughed. "Me too." They had only met a few hours ago but Paul could already tell they were going to become the best of friends. After all, friendship is magic.
Then they heard a weird chittering sound coming from a little ways away. "I told you something would happen eventually." Said Paul as he began to walk towards the noise.
Before long he could see something hunched over between the trees a little ways away. On closer inspection it looked like a mass of bunny parts, mostly bunny heads. It also seemed to notice him and it stood up on two legs and turned towards him.
The creature was patched together from various white, brown, and gray bunnies and stood up about 8 feet tall. It also had four long skinny arms on its sides that looked like they were made entirely from bunny legs. Paul briefly imagined how soft it must be when the creature started chittering again with all of its bunny heads before charging at him.
Paul quickly jumped to the side and slapped it as it ran past with Steve making a wet smacking noise that rang through the forest.
"What the hell?!" Yelled Steve after being used as a weapon.
"Oh come on, you literally have no use other than as a blunt object. Besides, it doesn't hurt, does it?" Asked Paul.
"Well, no. I'm pretty sure I'm undead or something, I don't feel anything anymore."
"Good, now stop whining!" Said Paul.
The bunny monster had turned back towards Paul now and looked like it was getting ready to attack. But Paul was set on attacking first. He held his fish sword up over his head by the tail shouting "By the power of Grayskull! I have the power! "
He then jumped forward and slapped the bunny monster repeatedly with Steve causing it to take several steps back. This was good, I have it on the ropes! I just have to continue doing this and I'll win for sur-. He was interrupted when the creature blocked his fish with one arm and slapped him across the face with another one.
He took a step back at this, he wasn't expecting to be hit. Paul wasn't hurt, no, that's not why he was surprised so much by this. It was because the bunny monster's arm was extremely soft, just like he had thought. It felt great when it brushed against his face.
Paul just smiled after the creature smacked him which confused it. He didn't even seem hurt by it's attack. Then he refocused his efforts and started beating it double time with Steve. It was super affective, the bunny wasn't able to withstand the fishy assault and it collapsed in a heap of broken bunny flesh.
"Awww that's adorable." Said Paul inspecting the dead abomination in front of him. He kinda wanted to take one of its legs back for good luck, and because its super soft. But he'd never be able to explain that one to Twilight.
Then he heard some leafs rustling behind him as a pony ran out into the open. "You! What have you done?! You killed my pet!" Yelled the pony.
Yep, this was the necromancer. It was a dark gray pony with a black mane and a pony skull for a cutie mark. Obvus necrofag. "Lol, I'm guessing you're the necromancer." Said Paul.
"Yeah! And you're the stupid dragon thing." Said the pony in an angry tone.
"Oh, you flatter me." Said Paul putting a hand to his chest.
"Come on, stop stalling, let's beat the crap out of him!" Said Steve from Paul's hand.
"Well alright, that sounds like a good enough idea." Said Paul as he turned to look at the pony. It was scared now, why were they trying to beat it up?
"Woah guys no need to do anything rash now. Why are you trying to hurt me?" Asked the pony.
"Well I can't finish my adventure until I kill you now can I? The answer is no, I can't. Besides, my friend here wants revenge for you turning him into a zombie fish. I just want something to do, now die!" With that Paul jumped forward and started beating the necromancer pony with Steve. He was out for blood this time. After a solid ten minutes the pony was no longer struggling, or breathing, so Paul felt that he did a good enough job.
"Alright, let's go home." Said Paul to Steve.
Steve didn't respond and after a minute Paul looked down at his fish companion. He was limp, more limp than usual. And his eyes were lifeless. "Steve? Steve, buddy, speak to me."
Paul was starting to panic, Steve couldn't be dead! He just couldn't!!! "No! Steve! NO! YOU CAN'T BE DEAD! Hang in there buddy!" Said Paul as he started crying. "You were my best friend... You can't die now."
Unfortunately, he was dead, and not even the healing power of tears could save him now. Now that the necromancer was dead the spell keeping him alive had worn off.
Paul sat there weeping for a while before he stood up and started heading back towards pony town. He knew that Steve would want him to continue on with his life. He would live every moment to the fullest for Steve! He dragged Steve's body all the way back to pony town with him and went into the library. He wasted no time and immediately found a small ice chest in the pantry and put Steve in it with some ice before depositing it in the freezer.
Paul wasn't about to give up on Steve just yet, he would learn necromancy and then he would bring Steve back to life. It was a perfect plan.
Then he looked at the clock, it was almost time for the party!
So things got a little emotional in this chapter. I know you all liked Steve a lot, but he had to die in order for the story line to continue, I'm sorry. Speaking of the story line, I'm pretty much just making this up as I go.
Like if u cry evry tyme.
Paul learns the magic of colors
Authors note: Lawl, this chapters gonna' be all colorful and there's literally nothing you can do about it! Too bad yellow and pink are too hard to see with the white background (Sorry Fluttershy).
Twilight Sparkle was in a good mood. Not only was she at a party, but she had found a way to humiliate Paul. She hated that raptor so she reveled in every chance to cause him discomfort. 'What did she do?' you ask. Well when he got on the mic he was extremely awkward and he didn't know what to say. He was about to hand the mic back to Pinkie when she got a deliciously evil scheme in her big adorable head. So she started yelling 'Speech! speech! speech!'. Being in a crowd of excited ponies, everypony joined in on the chant and before long everypony wanted him to give a speech.
It worked just as planned, he could hardly say two sentences without sounding awkward so of course he couldn't give a speech. Instead he just told this stupid story that he clearly made up off the top of his head. It was deliciously awkward. Everything was delicious! She would have to rub this in his face later.
Paul, on the other claw, wasn't enjoying himself very much. For one, he was at a party with a bunch of ponies that he swore wanted nothing more than to eat his skin off. Maybe he was just being paranoid, but it's better to be safe than to have no skin. The ponies seemed to be enjoying themselves though, they were all dancing like idiots and eating cupcakes. Paul couldn't help but notice that ponies are pretty bad at dancing. Maybe it had to do with the fact that they have four legs instead of two. He didn't know. Of course he shouldn't judge them, everyone is bad at dancing compared to Paul. They didn't call him Johnny Steps for nothing.
'Who's 'they'?' you ask. I don't know, stop asking questions. I'm trying to type here.
Anyways, Paul decided to go get some yummy drank since he felt uncomfortable just standing there by himself. He walked over to a table that was set up with a bunch of paper cups and several bulls of punch. Unfortunately all they had was purple drank. Purple, much like this paragraph. He poured himself a cup and hesitantly tasted it. He normally wouldn't drink anything that wasn't scalding hot greece or bacon that he had put in the blender since those are part of a balanced sex raptor diet, but the punch wasn't too bad.
At least it's not Hawaiian Punch. Thought Paul in red. He still had nightmares about that crazy little Hawaiian man... Either way, he could enjoy his punch in peace. That is, until some ponies that thought they were clever approached Paul with smug looks on their faces.
"Cool story, did your mommy help your write it?" Said a brown pegasus. The other two ponies with him thought it was hilarious.
Paul just smirked at them. "Woah there champ, let's not say anything we can't take back now."
"Awwww are you gonna' cry?" Asked the pony. Once again, the other two thought this was the funniest thing in the world.
"I lost my tear ducts long ago, so no. Besides, your insults are like big poop." Said Paul nonchalantly.
The brown pony didn't seem to like him insulting his insults. "Oh yeah? Well you're a freak! What kind of dragon doesn't even have wings?"
Paul face-clawed. He told them all he was a sex raptor yet they still seemed to think that he was some kind of dragon. "Look, kid, no need to get upset. I'm sure that someone somewhere thinks that your insults are very clever. Unfortunately, I'm not that someone so you're just making yourself look dumb. Perhaps you should go back to stupid school because from what I can tell you have no idea how to participate in a big boy argument."
The brown pony frowned at him. "Who you calling kid?"
"You. I thought I made myself pretty clear." Paul looked over to the other two ponies who were just standing by their friend and not participating in the conversation and asked. "Did I not make that clear?"
"Hey, shut the buck up or I'll put a hoof in your face myself!" Said the pony slightly angry at being insulted multiple time.
"Woah woah chief, no need to throw a tantrum. Just calm down before you make yourself looks stupider than you already have. Perhaps you should step out for a few minutes and come back when you're done crying." Said Paul with a grin.(lolol threw off the pattern)
The pony looked really angry now, he clearly wasn't used to being made fun of so it was almost too easy. Paul was starting to enjoy himself though. Now his friend, who was a white and blue unicorn, joined in. "Hey, shut up or we'll buck you up!"
Paul just chuckled to himself, he liked where this was going. "Do it filly!" Said Paul. He learned from how Twilight acted in the second chapter that calling ponies a filly was considered insulting.
As soon as Paul said this the brown pony snapped, he wasn't about to let some freak dragon talk to him like that. He didn't look so tuff anyways, so he charged at Paul suddenly intending to hit him with a hoof before he was prepared. Unfortunately for him, he forgot one thing. Paul is always prepared. Within a split second Paul swung his arm around and slapped the brown pony right upside the face.
The blow was enough of a shock to the pony that he stopped in his tracks confused at what happened. before he could think, though, he received another slap on the other side of his face. He just stood there for a few seconds with big red marks on either side of his face where he had been slapped before he started tearing up. He then turned around and ran off into the crowd crying. Several ponies in the surrounding crowd looked around to see what happened while the brown pony's friends glared at Paul.
"You're a real jerk you know that!" Shouted the white unicorn before him and the other pony (who isn't important at all) chased after their friend to comfort him. It was obviously intended as an insult but Paul just smiled at it. These ponies were pretty bad, first their insults were terrible, then they didn't know how to fight at all? This place is way too sheltered.
He finished his purple drank and looked back at the crowd. Perhaps he should show them how real dancing is done. Then he got an even better idea. This was probably the best idea he'd gotten in days. He pulled his ipod from his chest cavity and waded through the crowd back to the stage where the DJ pony was at. As of now, they had just been playing some kind of techno the whole party, which the ponies seemed to enjoy. But Paul had something much better. he went to the DJ and asked if he could play a song.
The DJ pony face-hoofed and looked at Paul like he was an idiot. "Dude, I'm the DJ for a reason, i can't just let every thing that walks on stage play whatever they want."
"Hey, technically this party was thrown for me, besides it's only one song." Said Paul with his iron-clad logic.
The DJ sighed and just motioned for him to go ahead. Paul was ecstatic now, this was perfect. He plugged his ipod into the DJ table (luckily it had a USB drive) and scrolled to the right song. He hadn't gotten an opportunity to do this in way too long.
Then he found it and the music started playing over the speakers.
All the ponies stopped when the music changed so suddenly and looked slightly confused. Paul on the other hand could barely contain his giggles. This was the best thing ever!
Then Rick Astley started singing.
We're no strangers to love
You know the rules and so do I
A full commitment's what I'm thinking of
You wouldn't get this from any other guy
I just wanna tell you how I'm feeling
Gotta make you understand
Then everything got even better as Paul suddenly got an achievement!
Yes, this was the best night ever!!! Then Paul looked around and realized that the ponies seemed to enjoy it instead of being annoyed. Paul was slightly disappoint that they weren't angry, but at least he had gotten an achievement out of it. He was a big huge achievement whore after all.
After retrieving his ipod Paul wandered around town for a little while looking for something else to entertain him. Then he spotted some of Purple guy's (if you haven't figured it out yet, that's his name for Twilight) friends in the crowd. It was that orange one with the cowboy hat and the boy one with the rainbow hair. He wasn't sure, but he thought that that one might be Twilight's boyfriend. So, seeing as though he had nothing else to do, he went up to them to start a conversation or something.
As soon as Rainbow Dash spotted him she let out a long sigh. "Oh great, look who it is..." She said not very pleased with their new company.
"Hey, ugh... Rainbow guy? Wasn't it?" At least he got it half right.
"THAT'S RAINBOW DASH TO YOU!" She said slightly flustered at being called a guy, only Twilight was allowed to do that.
"Woah now, calm your balls bro. I'm sorry." Said Paul putting his hands up for emphasis.
Him apologizing like this didn't help much since he implied that she had balls and was, therefore, a stallion. "Listen here, Pinkie may like you enough to throw you a party, but I don't so why don't you just leave?"
"Come now, Rainbow." At least he knew that part of the name was correct, "It's a party, lighten up."
Applejack didn't look too happy about the annoying raptor insulting Rainbow so she joined in. "Yeah, why don't you just get lost before I hog tie you and drag you out of here myself."
Even Applejack didn't like him? "Et tu Applejack?" Aha! he had gotten one of the ponies names right!
"Ugh... What?" Asked Applejack confused at what he just said.
These ponies clearly didn't know about Julius Caesar. Paul decided that if he wanted them to stop telling him to leave he would have to change the subject. He knew exactly what to say as well. "You know, I've been at this party for at least an hour and I have to ask, are all ponies bad at dancing?" From what he could tell they seemed competitive so they would likely take that as a challenge.
"What do you mean 'are all ponies bad at dancing'?" Asked Rainbow Dash. "Do you even know who you're talking to?" She finished by putting a hoof on her chest proudly.
"Well I know that you have 'Rainbow' as part of your name, but I assume by that you mean that you're good at dancing."
"I'm only like THE BEST dancer in Equestria!" Bragged Rainbow Dash.
"Well I suppose after today you'll be like the second best dancer in Equestria."
"Oh yeah!?" Asked Rainbow Dash seeing this as a challenge.
"Yeah!" Replied Paul just as cockily (hehe) as if he were Rainbow Dash himself. Now it was on!
Rainbow Dash then flew up a few feet and did some spinning thing in the air. Paul was hardly impressed. He followed up with a perfect moonwalk. Few people knew this, but he taught Michael jackson everything he knew about dancing. Rainbow just shrugged before doing the wave with her shoulders.
"Impressive, for a fish." Said Paul before pulling an MC hammer and shimmying back and forth like a pro. Rainbow wasn't gonna' go down that easy though. She landed and started doing some pony version of breakdancing. Paul had this in the bag now, he had a black belt in every type of breakdancing. This would be e z.
Rainbow finished off with a head spin which would have been impressive to anyone except Paul. He followed it up with the most amazing display of breakdancing ever seen by mortal eyes. After a few spectacular moves he finished by spinning on his head, much like Rainbow had, just for longer. Much longer. After a few minutes he finally stopped spinning and looked around.
Rainbow Dash and Applejack were nowhere to be seen. They must have ditched him while he was doing his head spin. "Ouch... That feels man..." Said Paul to himself after being abandoned. At least he won the match, he could rub that in Rainbow Dash's face later. And not in a sexual way you sick freak!
Alright, so lots of colors... I warned you. Hopefully it's not too hard to read.
Paul isn't even in this chapter
Authors note: Hey guys, guess what! This story takes place between seasons two and three, therefore it's completely canon. Just ask Lauren Faust, lololololol u can't! Also this takes place after the party. No more rainbow paragraphs, sorry.
Dear princess Celestia,
What I learned about friendship is...
Twilight stood there for a few seconds looking at the paper, she had no idea what to possibly write to the princess. She hadn't written a friendship report in like two months now, she needed to write one! Unfortunately, she hadn't learned anything about friendship. Maybe she could just write to the princess and tell her about everything that's been going on... Would she care? Of course she wouldn't! The princess is far too busy to read something stupid like that! Maybe she could make something up.... No, that wouldn't work. Twilight is a horrible lier...
Then she realized that perhaps she had learned something. Some people just deserved to die! Yes! She could write to the princess all about her intentions to kill Paul.
No! That's a horrible idea! She would surely be very disappointed if I wrote about that.
She let out a frustrated grunt as she crumpled the paper up and threw it in the general direction of the trash can. She couldn't even think right now, not with that horrible monster sharing a home with her. She wouldn't be able to focus on anything until she rained sweet doom upon his head. Yes, now that the party was over, Paul was fair game, she could make a plan to kill him! This would, in no way, backfire on her! Surely Paul will fall to her amazing planning power!
Twilight was so overcome by her evil thoughts that she started to chuckle. This quickly evolved into an all out maniacal laugh. "Muahahahaha!"
"Umm, Twilight. Are you ok?" Asked someone from the other side of the room.
Spike was standing there awkwardly after dropping in on her acting so weird.
"Oh, um, yes. I was just... Clearing my throat... Yes... That's it."
Meanwhile in the deep never ending expanse of space, our antagonist Gorlok 12 and his lobster friends traveled in their seven lobster ships in the direction Paul had gone.
Perhaps I should explain that the ships are quite big and each one carries a crew of at least a dozen lobster men.
"Gee, i sure hope that anyone that would randomly be reading this as though our lives were some kind of deranged story hasn't forgotten about us, the main villains, out in space, slowly heading towards where Paul is at in our ships." Said Gorlok 12.
"I wouldn't exactly say slowly." Said a random nameless lobster man through the ship's speakers. "We'll be there in a few weeks at most. We're still going really fast."
"I suppose you're right, just everything seems slow nowadays." Said Gorlok 12.
His lobster man buddies were slightly confused by this. "What do you mean Gorlok buddy?" Asked one of them.
"Well Hank (I'm gonna' name some of the lobster men so it's even worse if they happen to die later), I've just been thinking about things a lot recently."
"You wanna' talk about it?" Asked Hank hopefully.
"Well, i guess just this whole fighting Paul thing. It seems kinda' stupid sometimes. I mean, he's killed me like three times now, I just keep reviving for no reason. I mean, what's up with that?"
"Well we revive you because you're the best. Don't worry, we'll beat him this time." Said Hank hopefully.
"That's what we said last time, just last time we had an army of mind controlled zombies being controlled by a giant, omnipotent, robot, spider, big mouth bass (Don't even worry about it unless you want to read that shit on my dev art >.<). And the time before that we had Kuchewaya the God of lobsters on our side, and we still lost!"
"Yeah, but we killed tons of people." Said Kyle (another lobster man) reassuringly. "That counts for something doesn't it?"
"I suppose it does. You know, you guys are right. I shouldn't let this whole 'Paul thing' get to me! We're going to kill him for sure, and you all will definitely survive the fight! You're really good friends, i don't know what I'd do without you." Said Gorlok 12 in a better mood.
"Aww shuks Gorlok, you're a pretty good friend too! And who knows, maybe you'll level up after you kill Paul. Then you'll be Gorlok 13!"
"Guys, stop the ships!" Yelled Gorlok 12. The others were somewhat confused until he let out a giggle. "We're going to have a boarding party so I can give each and every one of you a big hug!"
The crews of every ship cheered over the intercoms as they parked their ships next to each other for some hugs.
Now back at Ponyville Library
Twilight was up late planning her murder. It was going to be too easy! Paul has no known family and the few people who know who he is hate him. Maybe not Pinkie Pie, but Twilight would hide the body well enough to where Pinkie wouldn't even find out he was dead. She would just say he went out in the forest and never came back!
Even if she was sloppy with the murder, the police in Ponyville were terrible, they'd never find out what happened.
It was all just so simple. She was the most powerful unicorn in all of Equestria, she could easily overpower Paul once they were finally alone. Now she just had to lure him into the Everfree forest. That would be easy, he was always going in there anyways.
The best part is, even if she got caught, she could probably just tell the princesses that he was a monster and tried to attack her or something and she wouldn't get punished at all.
Twilight rubbed her hoofs together menacingly and started to chuckle before looking around. Good, Spike wasn't in there this time. "Muahahahahahaha!" She laughed.
Now in space!
"Well that group hug was wonderful, we should do that more often." Said Gorlok 12 now feeling better.
"I'll say!" Shouted Tommy (A lobster man).
Hank and Kyle quickly agreed with him as they started to once again accelerate towards their destination.
"Sooo," Said Hank, "What are you going to do once we kill Paul?"
"Well of course I still need to pee in his skull, I wasn't kidding about that you know." Said Gorlok 12.
There was an awkward silence before Kyle asked. "Are you going to drink it afterwards?"
"What the hell? Where did that question even come from?" Asked Gorlok 12.
"Lawl, I'm joking!" Said Kyle. "Of course you're going to drink it afterwards, what's the point of peeing in someone's skull if you aren't even gonna' drink it?"
"Well duh." Replied Gorlok 12 simply.
"You should eat his skin, that would be really funny because he's always QQ'in about his skin." Said Arnold (LOBSTERMAN!).
"Hue hue, eating skin is srs business!" Said Tommy.
"I agree." Agreed Hank in an agreeable way.
"What if we pulled out all of his bones out and then tied him up with them?" Asked Kevin sheepishly, he was a shy lobster man.
"Sorry Kevin, but bones aren't very good for tying things up because they break too easily." Said Golrok 12 matter-of-factly.
"Yeah Kevin, if you're going to tie someone up you use their tendons! Everypony knows that!" Yelled Hank
"Wtf is 'everypony'?" Asked Tommy.
"Hell if I know, it just seemed appropriate to say it for some reason." Said Hank with a shrug. No one else saw this shrug because they're talking over a radio.
"I suppose you're right." Said Tommy.
"I'm always right!" Replied Hank.
"That's not true!" yelled Gorlok 12, "What about the time when you poured gasoline on your lawn thinking it would be faster and cheeper than trying to cut it with a lawn mower!"
"Well it worked, I never have to mow my lawn again!" Said Hank defensively.
"Yeah, but gasoline is lobster man food, not plant food." Replied Kevin.
"How would you know so much about plants? Are plants your boyfriend?" Asked Arnold in a mocking voice.
"No! If I was going to date every plant in existence I wouldn't choose grass!" Said Kevin.
"I suppose that makes sense." Said Kyle.
"Hey guys, I'm a new character here!" Shouted Steve Jobs.
"Shut up Steve Jobs, apples are stupid!" Yelled Hank.
"Too soon..." Said Tommy.
"Too soon!" Agreed Gorlok 12.
"I suppose you guys are right, sorry Steve Jobs." Said Hank sincerely.
"Aww shucks, Hank, you know I couldn't stay mad at you." Responded Steve Jobs.
"I'm glad you forgive me Steve, you're the only family I have ever since Toby passed away." Said Hank in a sad voice.
"Alas, Toby was a good RAD scorpion. I'm sorry for your loss Hank. He'd want you to live your life to its fullest though, not to greave for him." Said Gorlok 12.
"Yeah I know, it's just hard sometimes." Said Hank.
"Don't worry," Reassured Kyle, "We're here for you."
"Yeah, what he said." Agreed Tommy.
"Hey Steve Jobs, how is the chile coming along? I'm cold." Yelled Arnold.
"I'm cooking it on the stove right now. We're out of pans by the way." Answered Steve Jobs.
"What do you mean we're out of pans?" Asked Gorlok 12, "We had plenty of pans when we left port three weeks ago."
"Yeah, but most of the pots went bad since it's so humid in this part of space so I've had to use pans in all the food."
"Well I suppose we do need the iron, if we run out of pans we'll just have to eat cans." Said Gorlok 12 somewhat sad.
"Blarg, cans... I'd rather eat cat poop than cans..." Said Kyle.
"Well Mr. Bigglesworth needs his litter box cleaned, you can go eat cat poop if you want." Said Tommy.
"That doesn't sound like a bad idea, brb guys."
"It's so gross," Said Kevin, "When he eats cat poop he smothers it in ketchup... That just ruins it..."
"Some people just have no taste." Responded Master Chief.
"Hey Chief, what are you doing here?" Asked Gorlok 12.
"Just killed some aliens and I was passing through and thought I'd say hi."
"Well hey, how is the wife doing?"
"Her head got devoured by a giant slug with crab claws." Said Master Chief.
"I'm sorry to hear about that." Said Gorlok 12.
"Don't be, it's what she wanted." Said Master Chief with a sigh, "Anyways I g2g, mom aggro."
"Cya chief." Said Kevin.
"Tell your mom to grip a glock!" Yelled Hank.
"Lol, like he's gonna do that. Besides, his mom is hot." Responded Tommy.
"Lolbye." Said Master chief before turning off his radio.
"I really really hope he tells his mom to grip a glock!!" yelled Hank.
"He loves his mom, and so do I. He would never say something so hurtful to her." Yelled Tommy.
"I can dream can't I?"
"Dream about centipedes, maybe." Snickered Arnold.
"What's that even supposed to mean?" Asked Gorlok 12.
"I don't know... All I know is that you should never be a centipede."
Everyone agreed.
"K back guys!" Said Kyle.
"So how was the cat poop?" Asked Steve Jobs.
"It tasted like cat poop. We're out of ketchup by the way, had to use BBQ sauce."
"Aww eww, BBQ sauce is gross!" Complained Hank.
"You don't know that!"
"Guys, I just thought of something," yelled Kevin, "How do radios even work?"
"Well it's obvious they... umm... the sound..." Explained Arnold.
"You know I've never thought of that, how do radios work?" Asked Gorlok 12 now perplexed by whatever witchcraft was allowing them to speak to each other.
"Sound goes in, sound comes out. You can't explain that!" Said Tommy.
"guys, it could be run by angry native american spirits who will stop making it work if we keep asking these questions. Perhaps we should just forget about it." Suggested Kevin.
"I don't know, this is gonna' be on my mind every time I talk on the radio from now on." Said Arnold, now disturbed by the realization that he didn't know how the radio worked.
"Well you better damn well try to stop thinking about it!" Shouted Gorlok 12, "The last thing we want is to anger the native american spirits!"
"Yeah Arnold, if the radios stop working because of you, I'm not even gonna' give you a hug."
"You don't mean that..." Said Arnold.
"I do!" Said Kyle angrily.
"If this breaks we'll have to get on Skype and webcams just make everything awkward." Replied Tommy.
"Hey guys, the chile is done!" Yelled Steve Jobs.
"Good, beam it in shawty!" Yelled Gorlok 12
Then he used his mind powers to teleport chile into all the lobster man's laps.
"Awww, so nice and warm." Said Tommy.
"I agree, I was getting pretty chilly here, thanks for the chile." Said Kyle.
"Ahaha, I see what you did there!" Yelled Hank.
"Well gee I'd hope not, we aren't even using Skype webcams. You shouldn't be able to see me!" Replied Kyle.
"We're in the same ship, I can see you like 20 feet away from me."
"Hey guys, I was in the shower then suddenly chile all over my legs." Said Spongebob Squarepants.
"Shut up Spongebob, we aren't even under water right now." Yelled Gorlok 12.
"Yeah, gtfo sponge idiot!" Said Kyle.
For some reason Hank found this really funny, probably an inside joke.
"You know, it's going to be really sad if any of you die now that you've had so much screen time." Said Gorlok 12.
"Damn it Gorlok, stop foreshadowing!" Yelled Kyle.
"I can do what I want, and that's admiral Gorlok 12 to you!"
"Sorry mate." Said Kyle
"Lawl, not as sorry as your mom was after she gave birth to you!" Said Hank.
"Ooooooh Burn!" Yelled Tommy.
They all shared a laugh at Kyle's expense.
"That's not funny, not even a little bit." Said Kyle.
"Hey guys, I was digging around in some cabinets and I found some pills." Said Steve Jobs.
"Pills!?" Yelled Lewis.
"Yeah, I got some pills here!"
"Enough about pills, how do you guys feel about cough drops?" Asked Gorlok 12.
"Well, some of them are good some of them taste like cat poop though." Said Kyle.
"So what you're saying is that they are all good?" Asked Hank.
"Exactly." Replied Kyle.
"I don't like the orange ones." Said Tommy. "I just don't like orange in general."
"As always, Tommy, your opinion is like a freshly laid egg. Stupid." Said Arnold.
"That all depends on what kind of egg, some eggs aren't stupid." Responded Tommy.
"Orlly? Which eggs aren't stupid?" Asked Arnold.
"Robin eggs are pretty cool." Said Hank.
"Hehe, Batman smells, Robin laid an egg." Said Kyle.
"What you did there, I see all of it!" Said Arnold.
"Wait a second, what's your last name Arnold?" Asked Gorlok 12.
"Umm... Cheese.. yes... that sounds about right." Said Arnold not at all suspiciously.
"Alright, I can accept that." Said Gorlok 12 without another thought on the subject.
"Shiiiiiiiit!" Yelled Jason.
"What are you screaming about this time Jason?" Asked Hank.
"There's a snake in my boot." Said Jason nonchalantly. "It was all wiggly."
"What kind of snake?" Asked Kyle.
"The kind that shut up." Said Jason.
"Were you telling me to shut up or were you describing the snake? I honestly can't tell." Said Kyle confused
"Honestly, I have no idea what the words coming from my mouth even mean most of the time. Anyways, I'm going to go stick my head in a bucket filled with lead-based paint and then take a nap. Peace out yall." Said Jason.
"Lol I found diamonds." Said Hank.
"What are you doing now?" Asked Gorlok 12.
"Playing minecraft. I'm going to make a giant statue of treebeard."
"Are you cutting down trees to make him?"
"Of course. where else am I gonna' get wood from?"
"But Hank, some of those trees were his friends!" Said Gorlok 12.
"Aw shit son!" Yelled Hank.
"Are we there yet?" Asked Kevin.
"By Odin's beard! If you ask that again I'm going to literally rape you!" Yelled Gorlok 12.
"So how do you guys feel about Nickelback?" Asked Tommy.
"Let's just put it this way," Said Gorlok 12, "If autism could speak, it would probably just sing Nickelback songs all day."
Lol alright, here's another chapter. Don't complain, I already typed one about Paul today. I felt like giving Gorlok 12 and pals some screen time. I also snuck Twilight in there a little bit. Basically, this is what the lobster men are doing for the next few weeks while they fly towards Paul (at Equestria).
Sorry, there are probably a lot of typos here....
lolololol
Paul inhales air every few seconds
Authors note: I really have nothing to say here.
As usual, Paul was extremely bored. Pinkie Pie's party had lasted all through the night and into the morning but now most of the ponies were heading home. He had enjoyed the party at least a little bit. After Rainbro and Applejack ditched him he pretty much just walked around and annoyed ponies. Nothing interesting happened though, and now that it was over he found himself with nothing to do.
He didn't feel like reading because all of the books that Twilight had were boring. Most of them were about magic and stuff and Paul just found the subject very dull. Also, most of the pony stories lacked massive bloodshed and stupid internet references.
Twilight was asleep at this point, at least he assumed she was. She went to her room a while ago and Spike fell asleep on the couch. Perhaps he needed a hobby while he was here. Genetic breeding was out because he didn't have any of his lab equipment. Perhaps the same could go for making WMD's. What else could one possibly do in their spare time? Perhaps he could build something else...
Paul thought about this quite a bit and he realized that building something sounded pretty entertaining. Then he realized something really obvious. He has no money or supplies to build anything.
Perhaps he should get a job...
Yes! Paul now knew exactly what this chapter- er... This day was going to be about...
He got up, straitened his tie and combed his head scales. "Lookin' good." Paul made a pointing gesture at himself in the mirror. He was sure to get a job on charisma alone. Now, where could he possibly work?
Whatever, this would surely be answered if he just wandered around Ponyville for a while. Most of his questions seem to answer themselves if he just walks around for long enough. So he did just that.
Paul left the library and strut down the street with all the swag of a thing that has a lot of swag. The few ponies still outside took notice of him walking around like he owned the place, the rest were asleep inside after a long night of partying. The first place he found that had a 'help wanted' sign outside was a small office building looking place. Paul walked in with all his swag and found a small receptionist desk with a bored looking gray pony sitting behind it. Paul honestly couldn't tell if it was a boy or a girl, all the ponies looked the same to him.
"Can I help you?" It asked, clearly not excited about seeing the dragon-thing in the building.
"No, but perhaps I can help you. You see, I'm looking for a job." Said Paul elegantly.
The gray pony just stared at him for a few seconds before sighing. "We're looking for ponies." It stated bluntly.
Paul was slightly put off by this. "What's that supposed to mean?"
"It means you aren't going to get a job here so get lost." Came another voice from across the room.
Paul turned to see that a blue pony with a tie on had walked in. "Ok, so let me get this straight. You won't hire me because I'm not a pony?"
"Yes, now get out, you're scaring away business."
Paul looked around and saw that there weren't even any other ponies there. "Oh I see, so you ponies are racist. I had my suspicions by the way some of you have been acting. You know, usually when I meet racists I break their knees." Said Paul casually.
"Is that a threat?" Said the blue pony who was trying not to look scared.
"Perhaps it is."
"Get out! I'm not hiring you! Especially not after you threatened me!" Yelled the blue pony.
"Alright." Said Paul with a shrug, "But you will regret this in time." As he said this he walked out of the door leaving them to think about his comment. Once he was far enough away he pulled a notepad from his chest cavity and added something to his list of things that he needed to do.
Talk to Celestia
Annoy Twilight
Learn necromancy
Find a hobby
Get a job
Burn down that office-looking building
"There." Said Paul as he deposited the list back into his chest cavity. He sure had a lot of things to do. He walked around a little more until he came across a big building that looked like the town hall. Perhaps they would be hiring in there.
He walked inside and was once again greeted by a bored looking secretary at a desk. This one was yellow with dark blue hair. "Can I help you?" It asked. Paul could only assume that it was a girl.
"Umm, yes. I'm new in town and I'm looking for a job. Are you perhaps hiring here?"
The pony looked him over then replied. "Like you could handle what we do here... Anyways, if you're looking for a job there are several help wanted papers posted outside on the bulletin board." Said the pony while rolling its eyes at Paul.
"Alright." Said Paul slightly put off by how rude all these ponies were. He was used to it, but he had assumed that they would be really nice since they were all colorful and sheltered. Paul had learned the magic of colors so he wondered why they would be mean to him. Then it became painfully obvious, he wasn't a pony.
"Is every pony racist?" Paul asked himself as he exited the building and walked up to a bulletin board that was next to the door.
Sure enough there were at least a dozen 'help wanted' posters on it. Alright, first one was a plumber. Paul grimaced at the idea of being a plumber again. He had spent enough time with the Mario bros to know what that entailed. Needless to say, he saw a lot of 'bowsers' in toilets while working that job. It wasn't pretty.
Next one was for the local apple farm. Apparently they needed someone, or how they would say 'somepony', to help. Perhaps that could work, he could do physical labor. There was another pamphlet for a job as a welder at some metal shop. He'd try there first. All the other jobs seemed stupid so he didn't even bother to try for them.
According to the pamphlet the metal shop was only a few blocks away so it didn't take long to get there. It was a pretty small place and he immediately spotted two ponies using welding torches to make what looked like a chariot. Pony technology confused him, they had welding torches and clocks, but no guns. What's the point of making things if they couldn't kill other things?
Paul walked up to a black unicorn with a dark green mane and cleared his throat to get the pony's attention. It worked and the pony turned around pulling up his welding mask to look at Paul. "What do you want?" He asked in a gruff voice. It was definitely a he, the voice was too deep to be a girl pony. Then again, maybe that's normal for girl ponies. Oh well, he'd think this over later.
"I saw that you were looking for employees so I came to apply for the job."
The pony made an annoyed grunting noise. "The poster said we were looking for a 'pony', not whatever the hell you are. Besides, I found an employee already." He said while pointing at the other pony currently working on the chariot.
"Fine." Said Paul dismissively. He could excuse the small amount of racism, he just didn't care.
He started walking across town towards the apple farm when he realized that he was pretty hungry. Where would he possibly get food from though? Then he saw Pinkie Pie hopping around. Before long she spotted him and came over as enthusiastically as ever.
"Hiya Paul!"
"Hey Pinkie." Perhaps he could ninja some food from her. "Do you know where I can get food around here?"
She gasped with excitement when he said that. "Of course I do silly! Sugarcube corner is right over there!" She said waving a hoof at a building that looked like it was made of gingerbread. Paul hoped it wasn't actually made of gingerbread, that would be gross, especially when it rained. She ran in the front door and Paul followed her through the building into a kitchen.
"This is where we make all the yummy food. Ooo oo! You could help me cook something! It will be so super fun!"
Paul wasn't too put off by the idea. Cooking is easy, he could do this. "Alright, what are we gonna' make?" Asked Paul.
"Well cupcakes of course!" Said Pinkie while she pulled a bunch of things out of random shelves. Before long there was a small mountain of ingredients and utensils that they would need to cook.
Cue cooking montage music .
They started by mixing the ingredients into a big bowl. Paul was slightly surprised that they used eggs since the ponies were vegetarians, but he wasn't going to make a big deal about it.
Then Pinkie started juggling eggs randomly, he couldn't explain that. She finished when they all smashed on the ceiling. They both had a good laugh at this.
Then they were suddenly putting the cupcake mix into a specially shaped pan. Paul briefly wondered why things were skipping around like this when he realized that he was probably just in a montage so he didn't have to worry about it.
Next thing he knew they were stuffing the pan into the oven. Normally it would take a lot of time to cook cupcakes, fortunately they were skipping all the boring parts. The cupcakes were gonna' be in there for like an hour.
Soon Paul found himself in a flour sack fight with Pinkie. He didn't know how this happened, but it would take ages to clean the flour off of everything.
Then it was all cleaned and Paul wiped the sweat off his face with a claw. Thank the economy this was a montage, he didn't even remember having to clean up all that flour nor did he care to. Then the oven beeped and Pinkie jumped up excitedly. They removed the cupcake bottoms from the oven and started putting frosting all over them.
Paul was smothering one in bright pink frosting when suddenly Pinkie Pie extended her tongue at least four feet out from the other side of the counter and wrapped up his cupcake like a snake wraps up a mouse. She quickly pulled it into her mouth and swallowed it. Paul just stared at her with his mouth hanging slightly open while his eye twitched involuntarily. He had once watched a giant centipede devour some guy's head and this was still one of the most disturbing things he had ever witnessed.
Then they were suddenly done with the cupcakes and Paul was munching on one. That was easy. He grabbed another cupcake off the table to keep it from Pinkie while she vacuumed everything edible within the area into her mouth.
He had no idea how she was able to eat so many cupcakes, but he didn't care enough to ask.
"That was super fun!" Cheered Pinkie Pie in her usual way. Then she let out a huge gasp of excitement. "Ooo maybe you can work here!"
Then Mrs. Cake walked into the room with an angry look on her face. She had clearly overheard Pinkie's comment and she didn't look very happy about the idea. It was bad enough that there was that monster in her kitchen, but she sure wasn't going to allow it to come in there every day. She picked up a broom from the corner in her mouth and started swinging it at Paul. "Get the hay outa' my store!" She yelled through the broom in her mouth. Paul got the idea and ran out of the door to avoid the sharp bristles. Once he was outside she spat out the broom and yelled. "And stay out!"
Paul ran for a short while until he realized that the angry pony wasn't still chasing him. "Shewf." Said Paul as he wiped some sweet off his forehead with a claw. "That was close, I hate brooms." Unfortunately, there went another opportunity to get a job. Now pretty much the only other place he had to try was the apple farm.
He looked around a bit to see where he was and saw some apple trees on a hill off in the distance. Looks like he was going there now.
It was a short walk to where the apple trees were and from there he spotted a farm house where he was sure the owners of the land would be. Then he spotted an orange pony out in a field of trees to his right and immediately recognized it as Applejack. Looks like she worked here, that explains why she got a bunch of apples tattooed on her.
Instead of walking towards the farmhouse he instead approached Applejack, perhaps she could be of some help. They were pretty good friends after all. Paul got close and noticed that she was kicking trees to knock the apples out. It seemed like a stupid way of getting apples from trees to Paul, but he wasn't about to say that to her now.
"Hey there Applejack!" Said Paul once he got close.
Applejack turned towards him and sighed. Great, it was the last raptor she wanted to see right now. "What do ya' want?"
"Huh, i didn't know you worked here. Must be hard work." Said Paul. Perhaps he could get her to help him get a job if he sucked up a bit.
"The first thing I told ya' when we met was that me and my family own this place." Said Applejack, she was obviosuly frustrated that he had forgotten.
She owned this place? Well then, it looks like trying to get on her good side is a good idea, though he wasn't doing a very good job of it so far. "Oh sorry, I must have forgotten, my memory isn't what it used to be." Lied Paul. He actually had a very good memory, just he didn't listen to most of what the ponies said because he didn't find it important. "This is quite the place you got here."
"Ok, why are you here?" She asked.
"Why Applejack, what do you mean? I was just looking around and I saw you here. Seeing that we are good friends I thought I'd come by and say hi." Always with the lying.
"You're being way too polite, you're never this polite. So you clearly have an ulterior reason for being here than to say 'hi' to me."
"Alright, yeah I saw your help wanted poster and I came by hoping to get a job here."
"No. Now if you would kindly leave my land."
"What? you aren't even gonna' consider it? Come on, I'm a good worker, and I thought we were friend!"
"We aint friends! You're rude and I don't hang out with rude ponies, or raptor-things. Now go before I buck you out of here myself!"
"Come on Applejack, I've already tried a bunch of places and none of them would hire me because I'm not a pony. Besides, how am I supposed to help Twilight pay rent if I don't have a job?" He lied about paying Twilight rent, he had no intention of doing that. It did make his intentions look good though.
Applejack was about to refuse again when she thought about it. She would be helping out Twilight by giving that lizard a job, and she would be keeping him out of her hair. She could also pay him less than minimum wage since he wasn't a legal resident of Equestria. "Fine, but only because I don't want you mooching off Twilight... And because no other ponies will take this job..." She whispered the last part to herself but Paul heard her just fine with his ultra-sex-raptor-hearing. "Alright, I'll pay you six bits an hour."
Paul laughed, he read enough of Twilight's books to know that that was a horrible amount of money. "Make it twelve bits an hour and we have a deal."
"Six bits!" She yelled.
"Twelve or you can finish all these trees by herself!"
Darn it, he had her there. She NEEDED a worker, but she would be darned if she let him win this argument. "Eight is the highest I'm willing to go."
"I'm willing to compromise at eleven." Said Paul smugly.
She grit her teeth. He was almost as stubborn as she normally was. She would normally argue this with him all day, but in this case she really needed some help. "Fine, ten bits..." She finally decided.
"Good enough." Said Paul with a shrug. It was still not a lot of money, but it was enough for him. It's not like he was actually going to give any or it to Twilight, and she bought plenty of food. "So when can i start?"
"Well if you're so eager to work, you can carry the baskets of apples I'm filling to the barn for me."
Paul spent the rest of the day carrying baskets of apples around for Applejack. They were heavy, but he was pretty strong so it was no problem. They only finished up when the sun started to go down and Paul was able to go back to the library. He had to come back early the next morning for work so he decided to go get a good nights sleep... NOT!
Alright, here's this chapter, not much happened. Paul realized that the ponies are pretty racist against non-ponies.
Have fun. I know it's not really racism if he's not even a pony, but I'll just leave it as it is.
Authors note: So yeah, I've been typing this a lot in the past few days. The reason for that is that I've gotten about 4 hours of sleep in the last 60 hours and I've been incredibly bored. That's all I'm going to say, I hope you enjoyed briefly reading about my life. I'd blame that for why my writing is so bad, but my writing is always bad, so that would be a big fat lie. Either way, you're reading this, so here we go!
Paul walked through the silent streets of Ponyville whistling to himself. It was long past sunset so not a single pony was out at this time. Perfect for what Paul was planning. He carried a large plastic container in each hand. The gasoline swished around inside with each step.
By now I'm sure you can guess what's going on, but I'm going to explain it anyways. Paul takes his revenge seriously. He wasn't joking when he said those stupid ponies at the office-building-thing would regret treating him badly. He approached the white painted one-story building and kicked one of the windows in the front in. The glass shattered easily allowing Paul to climb inside. They didn't even have a security system.
He wasted no time in pulling the cap off one of his gasoline containers and pouring it on everything. He jumped around on the various tables elegantly spreading the flammable liquid to every corner of the building. Once his two containers were empty and he was satisfied with his work he stepped back out of the window and pulled a box of matches out of his chest cavity along with his sunglasses and duster. He put on the long black coat and sunglasses before lighting up a match and flicking it through the window.
As soon as the match left his claw he turned away and started walking while spouting an epic one liner that no one else would hear. "Hell, it's about time." The second he finished saying that the match landed inside the building and ignited the gasoline. The fire spread to every corner of the building, blowing out the windows from the sudden release of energy with a loud 'BOOM'. It was hardly an explosion, but it was enough to make Paul feel pretty cool while he walked away.
Before long the building was a blazing inferno. Just about the entire town had heard the explosion and came to see what was going on and were now crowded around outside the burning wreckage. Even some firefighter ponies pulling a wagon full of water that was connected to some hoses arrived, but the water hardly did anything to stop the gas fire. Within an hour the building was just a pile of black smoking debris.
Paul had observed his handy work from afar near the edge of the Everfree forest and was satisfied with the results. Hopefully the police would be bad enough to where they wouldn't find the match he started the fire with or figure out that it was fueled by gasoline, or more specifically, link the crime to him. But if they did he could just leave anyways. Revenge is important. Paul noticed a group of ponies that were crying about the flames while most of the town went back to their homes. He could clearly pick out the two ponies he'd seen working there. The others must be other employees or the owners of the building.
Paul chuckled to himself as he turned and left into the forest. Stupid ponies, like he even cares about their feelings.
Now that that was over I'm sure you're wondering where he got all these things from. I'm talking about the duster, the sunglasses, and the gasoline. He obviously bought them with the money he made from working at Applejack's farm you dumb head. She pays him up front, and though he doesn't make a ton of money, it's a lot when you don't have to pay taxes or anything.
Paul's next destination was to where he had killed the necromancer. Perhaps he could find where his home was from there and learn some necromancy from a book or something. It was a short run to the site of the murder which would have just looked like a normal area in the forest to anyone else. This was mainly because both the bodies were now missing. Paul was smart though and he recognized the area, as well as some faint prints in the dirt. The bodies were most likely just eaten by some animals, but the necromancer's house was still likely close by.
He spent about thirty minutes checking everything within a mile of that when he finally found what he was looking for. Well, not exactly, he found a huge zombie monster outside of a cave.
To avoid being original or explaining what it looked like (and because I love this creature design) it looked just like this. <Check the link bro!
Anyways, this thing was just standing outside the cave, clearly guarding whatever was inside. It stood at least twice as tall as Paul, but he knew exactly what he had to do. He was gonna go beat the shit out of it! He walked out from behind his tree and the creature instantly took notice of him and made a low growling sound. Paul was undeterred by the noise and continued walking at the thing while cracking his knuckles. This was gonna' be easy.
Once he got close enough he lunged suddenly punching the creature square in the chest with all the force he could. It didn't even move from the attack and just continued to stare at Paul with an angry look on its face. It took Paul a few seconds to register that his attack hadn't done anything, by the time he did it was too late though. The monster simply slapped Paul across the head knocking him away.
Paul stumbled around for a few moments trying to shake the stars out of his vision. That had really hurt. Ok, I'll just have to try a different approach. The thing wasn't going to give him time to do this though and before Paul could realize what was going on it had ran up to him and back handed him across the face. It continued by uppercutting him in the jaw with its other arm knocking him off his feet and into a nearby bush.
Paul lay there for a few seconds in a daze before quickly scrambling to his feet. The zombie monster seemed to have completely forgotten about him and returned to the front of the cave. If only I had a fish or something, i could slap the shit out of it for sure! It looked like he would simply have to try harder.
Paul walked out from the bushes and once again moved towards the zombie monster. It noticed him once again and started growling. Paul smiled to himself as he started channeling his economic energon into one of his claws. This thing wouldn't stand a ghost of a chance this time! He looked down while shaping the energon into a sword. He looked up again to find that the monster was charging at him. It quickly grabbed his head in one hand and his tail in another and lifted him over its head. Paul instantly forgot about his energon as he flailed his arms and legs in hope of stopping what was about to happen.
It wasn't very effective. The creature just tossed him at a nearby tree. He smacked into it with enough force to kill a grizzly bear. Then gravity took over and he once again found himself lying in a bush. Paul stood up and stretched his back, thankfully his spine had taken most of the force from the blow. Once again, the monster had returned to the front of the cave.
"Fuck this noob shit!" Shouted Paul. Now he meant business. Without a second thought he started firing economy lasers at the creature, most of which hit. The creature, now covered in burns and small puncture wounds just turned its head towards Paul looking even angrier than ever as it began to charge at him. Paul shuddered, that many lasers would have killed almost any animal. Then he realized his mistake. This was no mere animal, this was a zombie animal!
He could have probably just run away, but Paul was still angry at the creature for slapping his shit so he charged, ready to hit it with as much energon as he could.
"Well you freaking stop?!" Yelled someone from nearby. The creature and Paul both halted their charge and looked over to the source of the voice. It was the necromancer again, just he was not dead and stuff. "What the hay is wrong with you? First you slap my bunny monster to death with a fish, then you slap me to death with a fish. But no, that's not good enough for you. Now you have to come shoot Stephen with lasers?! What did he do to deserve this!?!?"
"Stephen?" Asked Paul confused by multiple things that were happening at the moment.
"Yes Stephen! What did you think his name was?" Asked the pony while pointing a hoof to the big zombie monster.
"I guess I didn't think it had a name." Said Paul honestly.
"Why wouldn't he have a name?!"
"Well, I guess because he's a zombie monster."
"What?! Just because he's a zombie monster that doesn't mean he doesn't have feelings!"
Then Paul felt very ashamed. He had assumed things about Stephen just because he's an undead abomination of nature. He was no better than the ponies! "Oh, I didn't think about that." Said Paul honestly. "I'm really sorry..."
"Tell Stephen that!" Shouted the necromancer.
Paul turned to Stephen and lowered his head ashamed at how he had acted. "Sorry Stephen, i guess I misjudged you. Can you ever forgive me?"
Stephen just stood there growling to itself like always.
"Stephen says he'll think about it." Said the necromancer. As he turned to go back into the cave.
"Wait! I came here to find you." Said Paul.
"What?! Killing me once wasn't enough?" Shouted the necromancer pony angrily.
"Well, I was actually hoping to learn how to use necromancy so I could revive my friend. The fish that i slapped you with. Also why are you alive anyways?"
"I'm a lich now you idiot, don't you know anything about necromancy?!"
"Well I guess that makes sense, now can you help me?"
The necromancer sighed. "Well, I suppose I DID get my cutie mark from being kind and generous..." He pointed at the skull tattoo on his thigh while saying this. "So I guess I'll help you since you apologized. Unfortunately we can't simply revive your friend again."
"But why not?!"
"Because he's already been reanimated once, you can't just keep reviving something over and over again. That would be OP."
"Ok, so what do we do?"
"I'm not going to do anything, you can do it yourself. You'll need to put his soul into a new body to revive him."
"Alright, how do I do that?" Asked Paul.
"It's very tricky, come into my cave and I'll teach you everything I know." Said the pony while walking into his cave.
"Wait! What's your name?" Asked Paul, he was tired of just thinking of him as 'the necromancer'.
"I'm an OC pony, someone wasn't creative enough to give me a name." Said the pony offhandedly while walking into the cave entrance. I guess he'll still just be 'the necromancer' then.
Paul returned home in the morning. He had spent all night with the necromancer learning all sorts of things and it was almost time for work now. He entered the library tree to grab some food quickly before heading to the apple farm/orchard. As soon as he walked into the building he was verbally assaulted.
"And where were you last night!?" Yelled Twilight. "And why are you all covered in dirt and bruises?"
Paul hadn't even noticed the bruises on his face and back until she said something, likely from his fight with Stephen. They would heal soon enough so he didn't think about them for long. He turned back to Twilight and sighed, was there no end to his eternal torment? Does the universe have no shame? Making a small purple unicorn nag him... "I was in the forest, where else would I be?"
"Oh I don't know, there was a fire in Ponyville so I just have to assume THAT YOU DID THAT!" She yeleld at him. She clearly thought he started the fire.
"Woah what? Where was the fire?" Paul was just going to play it like he had no idea what she was talking about.
"You know perfectly well where. It was at the office building on the other side of town."
"You mean the small white one? Noway, I went there looking for a job yesterday. Good thing they didn't hire me I guess."
"Wait what? A job?"
"Well duh, I need a job while I'm here. I got one at Applejack's farm. Speaking of which I have to head over there right now." Said Paul hoping to get away from the purple unicorn thing.
She clearly wasn't completely sure he started the fire now so she went to the next subject. "Wait a second! Do you care to explain why I found a frozen fish in an ice chest in the freezer?!"
"I can explain that... Umm, well that's Stephen. He's my friend. Please don't ask, just leave him in there for like a week. I'll, ugh, barry him after that." Paul said awkwardly. "Anyways, I got to go to work! See you later!" Paul quickly turned and sprinted out the door before Twilight could do anything to stop him.
Twilight stood there for a while just thinking about what had just happened. Ok, he had a dead fish friend in the freezer? He was clearly even more insane than she had previously thought. Oh well, better just leave it for now. getting rid of the fish will just make him suspicious.
She still thought that he probably started the fire at the office, fires like that don't just happen, but there was no proof. And according to him he was out in the forest all night doing Celestia knows what. At least he got a job so he wouldn't be hanging around the library all the time.
I fell asleep halfway through this chapter, I ran out of mountain dew so I couldn't stay up forever. Anyways, yeah, the zombie monster gets a name but not the OC ponies. Nobody likes OC ponies...
This title is not the same as the others
Author tyme: It's time to eat some sliiiiime!
Applejack certainly wasn't going to make things easy for Paul. She may have offered him a job, but she still disliked him, so she planned on working him as hard as she could. It started early that morning, she asked for him to come in at dawn when they would usually get up. As soon as he arrived she wasted no time in making him clean the pig pins.
Paul wondered why there were even pig pins if ponies didn't eat meat. There is literally no reason to keep pigs other than to cook them into bacon. Speaking of bacon, perhaps Paul could come back one night and acquire some. It's not like they would miss the pigs. That would have to wait though because Applejack was working him as hard as she could. As soon as he finished with the pigs she told him to milk all the cows.
Once again, why did they even have cows? Can ponies even drink milk? Paul walked into a barn and was met by about 20 cows who looked anxious for a good milking.
"Hey there big boy." Said one of the cows in a seductive voice.
Oh god... This is going to get weird isn't it? Thought Paul as he gave a brief prayer to whatever writer had temporary control over his fate. He was then forced to milk every cow which was made extremely awkward because they kept moaning the whole time. Paul had been told before that he has quite a way with his claws.
After filling about 30 buckets Paul stepped out of the barn only to be presented with another job by Applejack. This went on for about another hour until they were back out in the orchard collecting apples. He was carrying the buckets around while Applejack bucked the trees.
Then Applejack got a good idea, she could make him buck the apples. Not because he'd be good at it, but because she kinda' wanted to see him hurt himself. She wouldn't normally condone this kind of thinking, but it seemed appropriate when Paul was involved. "Hey, sugarcube, why don't you try some apple bucking?" She still had her bad fake accent,
"K." Said Paul as he walked up to a nearby tree and put some buckets down under it. Apple bucking seemed pretty easy. He simply reared back a bit and kicked it right in the center with enough precision and force to kill a hundred snakes. The tree reverberated from the blow and every apple fell out into the buckets much to Applejack's surprise. Paul just stood there like it was no big deal, which it wasn't. He just kicked a tree.
Applejack was actually impressed that he was able to kick the tree so well. It takes a lot of practice kicking trees to kick a tree THAT well. Of course, she wasn't going to tell him that. "Meh, I've seen better. Might as well go back to carrying buckets." Paul just shrugged and continued with his job.
Several more hours of gathering apples passed and Paul was pulling yet another load of apple buckets in a cart towards the barn when he noticed some talking coming from down the road in front of him. He focused and saw a trio of small ponies walking down the road in his direction. Whatever, nothing annoying could possibly happen.
Then Paul was proven wrong as the ponies spotted him and came running up. Once they were close they started circling him like small, ponified sharks. Clearly they thought he was pretty interesting.
"Are you Paul?!" Asked a white one with purple, curly hair. It was too damn cute, Paul couldn't even look directly at it without the risk of developing some form of cancer.
"Ugh yeah?" Said Paul somewhat confused as he continued dragging the buckets to the barn. The small ponies just followed him.
As soon as he gave his answer they all gasped with excitement and started talking at once. Paul couldn't tell what they were saying, but he was sure of one thing. This was easily one of the most annoying things he had ever heard and if they didn't stop soon he would begin bleeding from every orifice in his body. That's a fact. He dropped the handle of the cart so he could cover his sensitive ear-holes with his claws. The voices still burned inside his head no matter how hard he tried to cover his ears. It was as if they were scratching nails across the chalk board he keeps in his brain. Before long he could feel the skin in his inner ear turning to liquid and pooling in his limbic system. Only the dead could no peace from this evil. He briefly thought of how nice it would be to simply die at this moment. Paul couldn't take this anymore and his legs finally gave out and he landed face-first in the dirt.
This confused the small ponies enough to stop their constant barrage of questions. He was just laying there twitching and drooling. After a few minutes he finally stopped and stood back up. The ponies were still there, they were too fascinated by Paul to walk away just because he was having some kind of seizure. As he stood up his eyes fell on the small ponies and he flinched. They were about to continue with their questions when he stopped them.
"Wait wait! Please don't start that again. I don't think my internal processor will be able to reboot again after something like that. Please, just one at a time."
The ponies were about to all start talking at once again when they looked at each other and had an unspoken argument about who was going to speak. Eventually Applebloom came out victorious and she took a step forward. "Did you really fight all those diamond dogs?"
"Ugh, yeah. How did you even find out about that?"
"Spike told us! He told us that they came out of nowhere and suddenly you started beating them up! Then he told us how there was blood everywhere and you ate one of their arms!" Said Applebloom excitedly.
"Ugh, yeah. That's actually a pretty good summary of what happened."
Now it was the chicken's turn to speak. Paul didn't even know chickens here were sentient. "That's so cool!"
"Wow, a talking chicken! I've never seen one of those before!" It was Paul's turn to be excited.
"I'm not a chicken!" She yelled.
"Then why do you a chicken?" Asked Paul with his trademark smirk.
"That... Doesn't even make any sense..." Said Applebloom scratching her head.
"You're probably right. Anyways, I need to get back to work or Applejack will try to eat my skin. I know she's after my skin... I just know..." Paul turned and walked off towards the barn leaving the three little ponies to ponder why Applejack would want to eat his skin. I sure hope none of the ponies decide to weaponize those things. Then I'd be screwed.
Unbeknownst to all of them, a certain Twilight Sparkle had been watching these events take place. She had been secretly following Paul for the past few days to find out if he had any secret weaknesses. "Yes, this will do nicely." She muttered to herself as she came up with plans in her head to weaponize those small ponies. Of course, she wouldn't need that unless things went wrong with her main plan. It pays to be prepared for everything though, and if there's one thing Twilight is good at, it's planning. She even got her cutie mark for planning!
The rest of the day was pretty uneventful. Paul just worked on the farm carrying buckets of apples until it started getting dark and he was able to leave. As soon as he got his bits for the day he went straight to the hardware store and bought as many cheep tools and pieces of metal as he could with his money. He was gonna' build the coolest thing ever!
Paul was about to head back to the library with his arms full of metal and tools but he decided that perhaps that wasn't the best idea. Twilight would probably get suspicious if he started building something there. Instead he just went out into the forest where he could work in peace. It's not like he cared if it was a little dark in there, he has sex raptor night vision. After walking around a little he found a nice spot where he was confident that no one would bother him and began working on his latest creation.
The night wore on and eventually he ran out of metal to work with, he would just have to wait until he got more money to finish. That wouldn't be a problem since Applejack is working him literally every day. I wonder if there are any labor laws here.
Once it was evident that he wasn't going to be able to do any more work for the night, Paul decided to go on another adventure. There was nothing else for him to do all night (except maybe sleep, but that's for idiot heads).
Paul was walking through the dark dangerous forests alone for a while and nothing interesting happened. Not even the local wildlife seemed interested in attacking him tonight. Perhaps he would just not be able to go on any adventures this chapter. Then Paul started hearing a sound that reminded him of waves going in and out at the ocean. This was confusing since, according to maps he'd seen, the nearest large body of water is over a hundred miles away. Paul shrugged and moved towards the sound, It got louder as he got closer as would be expected, now it was practically blearing into his ear-holes. Luckily he had been conditioned to annoying noises by those small ponies so he could handle this.
Suddenly the sound stopped as Paul came across a small clearing in the forest lit by the moonlight. It was empty save for a boulder sitting in the middle, oh and the strange creature hanging out in it. The thing immediately took notice of Paul as he got near but it didn't run or anything. Instead it gestured for him to get closer and spoke. "Hey bud."
Paul took a moment to examine what the thing was and easily identified it as yet another weird ass creature that no sane person should ever have to deal with. It was basically a really muscular horse just it stood upright on it's back two legs. It was also magenta and had a unicorn horn, nbd. "What the hell was your mom on when she was pregnant with you?" Paul asked what he figured was the most standard question to ask after seeing something like that.
"I'm a unicorn man you r-r-r-r-r-retard." Said the unicorn thing.
Paul then noticed something unusual on the rock, it looked like a large spiky conch shell. The unicorn noticed Paul glancing at it and decided to explain. "This is the demonic conch. He was a demon lord in the elemental plane of lemonade when some scientists accidently opened a portal and merged his soul with a conch shell. Anyways, after he murdered a couple of people they managed to banish him to the elemental plane of unicorns. Also he's the one who called you with his ocean sounds"
Paul's mind=blown. That was such a retarded explanation of what is going on that it just had to be true. "So, is this the elemental plane of unicorns?" It wasn't a bad question since there are clearly unicorns here.
"Oh heavens no. This is just a stupid universe full of ponies and shit. Anyways, I'm here to let you go to the elemental plane of unicorns!"
"I don't think I want to go there. It just sound sticky." Said Paul.
"Lawl, like you have a choice!" Before Paul could respond the unicorn man jumped across the clearing and landed right on his head where he started to tap dance. "See you later shitlord!"
That was the last thing Paul heard before he suddenly found himself flying randomly through a world of swirling colors. These mostly consisted of light green, yellow, and purple. It looked pretty weird. Before long Paul found himself spinning randomly as he tumbled to god knows where. Needless to say it was really sickening.
This lasted for a few minutes until he saw solid ground coming up underneath him. by this point he didn't even have time to consider landing properly and instead he simply slapped against the ground violently like a rag doll. Paul laid there for a few seconds, still extremely dizzy, before he finally threw up all over the place.
'Why does Paul even go on these adventures if stupid shit just happens?' You ask. That way I can have the adventure tag obvusly.
Anyways, I want some input (not just because I'm a comment whore). If there's anything you think I could do better or if you want me to add some dumb joke I might just consider it. Also I'm a big grammar whore but I'm pretty sure I make a lot of mistakes when the characters are talking. Maybe you can tell me how to do that properly.
Next chapter is gonna be weird as shit.
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Paul goes to the elemental plane of unicorns
Authors note: Took me a few days to type this, mainly because it's really long and I had other things to do. I could have easily split this into like 3-4 chapters with all the dramatic shit that happens, but I just decided to make it all one chapter. This ones pretty weird... enjoy...
"I shouldn't have eaten those mushrooms..." Said Paul as he finally pushed himself out of the pool of his own vomit. He looked around and came to the conclusion that he was, in fact, in the elemental plane of unicorns. It wasn't a hard conclusion to come to seeing as how the sky was made from rainbows and the trees were just stalks with hundreds of small green unicorn heads branching off of them. He looked down at the dirt and noticed that it wasn't dirt at all. It was just billions of tiny brown unicorn heads. This was getting weird.
The next thing Paul noticed was that there was something wrong with the air. It smelled a little too much like root bear and it made his skin sticky just from being in it. It even tasted like root bear! This basically confirmed to him that the air was partially root bear here. Luckily, he had no problem breathing it so it wasn't a big deal.
Next thing to do was to look around and see where he was. From what he could tell he was in some random clearing in the forest of unicorn trees. There were no land marks around at all so he did the smartest thing you could possibly do in a situation like that. Start walking in a random direction. He knew what he had to do, and that was find a way out of this horrible unicorn world, so wandering around seemed like a pretty cool idea.
As he walked through the weird trees he noticed more disturbing things. Most of these were just unicorn-themed creatures and plants. It turns out literally everything here was based in some way on unicorns. Paul walked across grass that was just small, multicolored unicorn legs sticking up from the ground and noticed birds that were just tiny unicorn heads with bird wings. It was really strange to say the least.
Then he heard running water in the distance. At that sound he finally realized how thirsty he was, it had been a while since he'd had a good drink. Without thinking any more about the subject he ran towards the sound until he excited the tree line and found himself on the sandy bank of a river. What he beheld in front of him wasn't water, however. It was root bear! Thousands of gallons of root bear flowing like a river into the distance.
Paul wasn't sure whether he should be happy or sad about this. On one hand, it wasn't water. On the other hand, it's a river of delicious carbonated drink. He decided that he should just stop QQ'in about it and take a drink. He promptly sunk his claws into the flowing brownish liquid and scooped out a small amount to sample.
As Paul brought the liquid to his scaly raptor lips his eyes shot open. He realized something very important at that point. This root bear was delicious. It was quite possibly the best root bear he'd ever had! Without wasting any more time, Paul dunked his head into the river and started guzzling root bear at an alarming rate.
"Hehe, save some for the unicorn fishes!" Said a voice to Paul's right.
As soon as he processed the sound waves in his fully functioning ear-holes, Paul stood upright and turned towards the newcomer. He had been so busy enjoying the root bear that he hadn't even noticed this thing sneak up next to him. Paul took a moment to inspect the thing, it was really weird looking. It was clearly unicorn in nature and stood upright much like the unicorn man he'd already seen, however, it had much skinnier arms and legs and a thick tail much like that of a gecko. It also looked slightly retarded like someone had come along one day and beaten it with a hammer. The thing stood up nearly as tall as Paul and was a light purple color with rainbow colored spots along its back and tail. All and all, it looked pretty stupid.
"Unicorn fishes?" Paul finally asked after he was finished molesting the newcomer with his eyes.
"Yeah, what do you have stupid in your ears? They live in the root bear." Said the unicorn thing while rolling it's eyes.
"Alright. And what are you?"
"What do you mean 'what am I'? I'm a unicorn gecko. What else would I be?"
"I don't know, you could be a lot of things. You could be air, for example."
"Do I look like air?"
"You look like something."
"I look sexy is what you mean." Said the unicorn gecko with a seductive smile.
"Well, no. That's actually the opposite of what you look like." Said Paul with a blush. He didn't want to admit that the unicorn gecko looked fiiiiiine.
"Pshh whatever." Said the unicorn gecko with a wave of his hoof. "So what are you doing?"
"Well..." Paul stopped. He had no idea what he was doing. He was just kinda' walking around randomly in the hopes that he could get out of this messed up place. "Well, I'm trying to get home. You see, this unicorn man sent me into this world through a random portal."
"Oh, Unicorn man. I know him! He lives up in the big unicorn castle! If you want to get back you'll have to talk to him."
"Well then, I intend to talk to him. Where is this unicorn castle?"
"Well I can show you how to get there."
"Um, great, thanks. But what's your name?" Asked Paul somewhat embarrassed that he had been so rude as to not ask for a name sooner.
"I'm Unicorn Gecko, pleased to make your acquaintance Mr..."
"Paul, the names Paul."
With that said the duo walked off into the trees in a different direction than Paul was originally heading in. Unbeknownst to them, their conversation was being observed by none other than Unicorn man in his castle. Once they left the clearing he stopped spying on them with his crystal ball and turned to the demonic conch that sat on the table beside him. "It looks like our guest is coming to us."
The demonic conch didn't respond, instead it just sat there motionless.
"Yes, I agree. The raptor could cause some problems." Said Unicorn man after listening to the demonic conch's unspoken monologue. "I'll just deal with him long before he gets here. Guard!" He yelled out the door. Suddenly a unicorn with eight legs much like a spider came through the door and saluted Unicorn man. "Get the unicorns of the apocalypse, I need them to go on a little hunt."
Now back to our friendly protagonist sex raptor. "So, how long until we get to the unicorn castle?" Asked Paul.
"Oh, we should get there by tomorrow evening."
"What! But I have work in the morning!" Paul needed that money or he'd never finish his creation.
"Stop your worrying. Time doesn't work the same here as it does where you came from." Said the Unicorn gecko as though this was common knowledge.
"Please explain." Said Paul now confused about how time works.
"Well, time goes faster in the sub dimensions. Here it's about six times faster. With that said, you'll only have been gone for a few hours when you get back."
"Well that works I guess." Said Paul relieved that he wasn't going to get in trouble at his new workplace. " So we're in a sub dimension?"
"Duh, don't you know anything? There's millions of sub dimensions. I learned this shit in fetus school..."
Paul wasn't even going to ask about fetus school, The name in itself gave away what it was so he didn't have to ask. Then Paul realized that he didn't know what else to say and things got kind of awkwardly quiet as they walked. It went on that way for a while until Paul couldn't take it anymore, he decided to say something.
"So... Nice weather huh?" He felt really stupid after saying that, of course the weather was nice. From what he'd seen there was no sun, moon, or water to affect the weather. It was probably always the same.
"Yeah, thankfully there's no acid root bear rain today." Replied Unicorn Gecko. Paul was slightly relieved that his statement hadn't seemed too weird.
He decided to keep the conversation going by asking Unicorn Gecko about itself. "So, where do you live?"
Unicorn Gecko looked upset when he asked this and it took a while to answer. "Nowhere at the moment, I lost my house to a wild unicorn attack..."
Paul had read about wild unicorns before, nasty creatures. The worst part about them is that they have a toxin in their saliva that turns anything it affects into a unicorn. That's how they reproduce. Paul knew it wasn't very polite for him to ask, but he had to be safe. "Did you get bitten?"
"What! No of course not! I'm not a unicorn am I?!" Unicorn gecko shouted.
"Woah, calm down there chief. I'm just making sure. I don't want you turning into a unicorn suddenly."
"It doesn't work like that, the transformation into a unicorn is slow and very painful. It doesn't just happen suddenly."
Well this conversation was certainly weird. Paul decided to change the subject again and hopefully get onto a less touchy subject. The last thing he wanted was to piss off the one who was showing him how to get home.
Several hours passed and they were still walking through the forest. The two of them had talked almost the whole way, surprisingly they had a lot in common. Paul was just glad that he finally found someone who understood him... And wasn't dead. They were having a pleasant conversation about how to properly eat large panes of glass when they heard a scream coming from ahead of them in the forest. It sounded like someone was in trouble...
Then the scream was accompanied by the revving sound of a chainsaw, a sound Paul was all too familiar with. Before long they heard some explosions followed by more screaming. Paul was about to run ahead to see what had made the noise when a small unicorn stegosaurus ran out of the underbrush. As soon as it saw Paul and Unicorn Gecko it stopped, breathing heavily. "You gotta get out of here, they're killing everyone!"
"Who?" Asked Paul. This was a perfectly reasonable question.
"The uni-" Its sentence was cut shot as a metal arrow on the end of a thin chain pierced through its spine. Before Paul could do anything to help, it was dragged forcefully back into the bushes by the chain.
Paul and Unicorn gecko shared a glance that silently asked 'wtf just happened?' before Paul started to move towards the bushes that the unicorn stegosaurus was dragged into. As soon as he got close he heard a metallic scraping noise. Judging on what just happened, he was able to guess what that was and he jumped onto the ground immediately. He was right about what he though it was, as soon as he jumped down another metal arrow burst through the foliage and nearly impaled him. That would have hurt.
The second he saw the projectile pass over him, Paul pushed himself up hoping to take his attacker by surprise. This didn't work, however, and he was immediately met with a kick to the face. Paul stumbled back a bit before he was able to get his bearing and look at his attacker. It looked a lot like Unicorn man, but it was wearing a tight black suit that covered its entire body. It was wearing a gas mask over its face and a small crossbow on its left arm that was attached to a chain. it wasn't hard to assume that that is what it had used to shoot at him. It also had a long blade attacked to its right arm which it was now swinging at Paul.
Paul didn't have time for the economy at this moment so he did the most natural thing he could. He transformed his semi malleable arm into a sword and blocked his opponent's blow. The unicorn thing struck at Paul several times with its blade but he easily blocked every hit. Once it saw that its strategy wasn't working very well it jumped back a few feet and the chain on its arm started reeling itself back onto the crossbow. Paul was smart enough to assume that it was going to try to shoot him again so he simply grabbed the length of chain near him on the ground and held onto it.
This worked out for Paul as suddenly the reeling of the chain was pulling on the unicorn thing knocking it off balance for a second. That was all Paul needed and he jumped forward plunging his sword arm into the sternum of his enemy. As soon as his arm had passed completely through the body he pulled it out and jumped away. Much like he expected, the unicorn thing swung wildly with the blade on its arm for a few seconds before it finally collapsed from the wound.
Paul was victory! Nothing could ever defeat him. All he could think about at that moment was whether or not unicorn meat tastes good, though. Then there was more rustling in the nearby bushes. That's when he remembered that the unicorn stegosaurus had said 'they' meaning plural bad guys. Paul just sighed, it looks like this fight wasn't over just yet.
At that moment four more unicorn things walked out of the nearby bushes. They were all similar to the one he had just killed, but they had different weapons and such. The first one was carrying a rocket launcher on one shoulder and had a small blue towel duct taped to the top of his head. He will be henceforth known as 'towel head' (disregard the obvious racial slur). The next one was carrying a large black chainsaw and had a picture of Justen Bieber stapled onto his chest. He can just be 'chainsaw guy'. For some reason Paul really disliked this one...
The next one had a pair of matching nun chucks and an orange ninja mask. For some reason Paul wanted to call him 'Michelangelo', but instead he just went with 'nun chuck guy'. That name would suit him just fine. The last, and possibly the most dangerous looking one had on a suit of thick spiked black armor that was complimented by a long blood red cape. It also had bugles on its fingers which it obviously used as weapons (If you don't know what bugles are go google them).
Paul shuttered at the many times in his past that he'd been cut by bugles, they were outrageously sharp. He wasn't looking forward to fighting this guy one bit. He decided that the name 'Stabby' worked for him quite well.
"Ugh, hi." Said Paul, maybe the unicorn things wouldn't be interested in fighting.
Then Stabby looked over to chainsaw guy who was holding a red thing to his face. "Chainsaw guy." Turns out that was really his name. "What does the scouter say about his economy level?!"
Then Chainsaw guy pulled off his mask and surprised all of them. He was a cat unicorn! "It's over nine MEOWSAAAAAAAND!" While saying that he grabbed the scouter in one hand/hoof/paw... thing and crushed it.
"What!? Nine meowsand?!?!" Asked Stabby, that was clearly a lot.
They started talking amongst themselves and Paul noticed Unicorn gecko trying to get his attention. "Yeah?" Whispered Paul in its general direction.
"Do you even need any gear off these guys or can we just bypass them?" It whispered back.
"Well, I need something I guess."
"You mean the shoulders? Aren't you a sex raptor?"
"Yeah, but it'll help me heal better, I'll have more mana."
"Ugh, Christ..." Unicorn gecko sighed and rubbed its face with a hoof arm. "Alright Abduel, can you give us a number crunch real quick?"
Suddenly Abduel, who's a unicorn worm, burst from the ground near them and started hammering on a calculator with its head. "Ugh, yeah. Give me a sec. I'm coming up with 32.33, repeating of course, percentage of survival."
"Well that's a lot better then we usually do." Said Unicorn Gecko.
"Alright times up, lets do this." Shouted Paul as he started running towards towel head with his sword arm. "LEROYYYY JENKINSSS!"
He was about to stab towel head right in the stupid face when Stabby jumped in the way and blocked the blade with his finger bugles creating a shower of sparks. It was an unexpected block, but Paul could deal with it easily enough. He was simply going to kick Stabby in the sensitive underbelly when the unicorn guy jumped out of the way unexpectedly. Paul quickly saw why as he noticed Towel head aiming his rocket launcher right at him. Paul didn't have time to move out of the way as the rocket suddenly shot out towards him, so instead he did the next best thing and redirected his kick to strike the projectile in mid air.
Normally kicking an active rocket propelled grenade was a bad idea, but Paul had done it enough times to know exactly what he was doing. His large toe claw hit the rocket in the exact perfect place with precision that would make a light bulb jealous causing it to be deflected off into the trees where it exploded.
Paul took a moment to relish his victory over the explosive projectile and received a nun chuck to the back of the head for his trouble. "No respect..." Mumbled Paul as he moved out of the way of another nun chuck strike. Nun chuck guy was being a real dick, he wouldn't even let Paul have one second to himself. He came at Paul with another swing of his mighty nun chucks only for Paul to block it with his sword arm. The nun chuck's chain wrapped around his arm allowing Paul to pull the unicorn guy close suddenly giving him a fist to the face.
He was about to deliver another hit when he saw Chainsaw guy coming up from behind with his trademark chainsaw. He revved it up quickly and held it up above his head making his best sand person impression before charging Paul. Paul simply pulled his arm blade up, pulling Nun chuck guy along with it and blocking the chainsaw's sharp teeth. Nun chuck guy quickly abandoned one of his weapons in order to avoid the chainsaw and a whole lot of friendly fire. Now Paul was able to simply upper cut Chainsaw guy with his free arm knocking him a few feet away.
Next it was Stabby's turn to attack. He came at Paul with his bugel fingers, ready for blood. Paul jumped out of the way but found himself now in the path of a nun chuck. He didn't even have time to block it before the piece of wood hit him right in the shoulder. Ouch, that really hurt. Thought Paul, perhaps fighting all four of them at once wasn't a good idea.
This was only confirmed as he noticed that towel head had nearly reloaded his rocket launcher. A well placed rocket would really ruin his day. Perhaps running would be a good idea now, but he doubted very much that he could simply escape.
After the successful hit, Nun chuck guy started swinging to hopefully hit Paul again. Paul wasn't about to let that happen though and he simply charged up a bit of economy energon in his hand and expelled it towards Nun chuck guy. It was enough to knock him away, but he'd need more time than they were giving him to charge up enough energon to do anything lethal.
Then suddenly he saw a bunch of small flaming things flying towards him. He instinctually put up a small economy shield around himself to try to avoid whatever was flying towards him. Luckily none of the projectiles hit him as it turns out they were small air to ground missiles. They hit all over the place randomly, temporarily covering the unicorns in fire. Paul knew that this wouldn't be enough to kill them, but it definitely stunned them for a bit.
"Stop standing there like an idiot and get on!" Paul looked up and saw Unicorn gecko sitting on top of a large rainbow flying cow head. Without a second thought he jumped onto the cow head and they suddenly rocketed off above the tree line.
"What the hell is going on?" He finally asked.
"While you were dilly dallying with the unicorn guys, I went and did something. Namely that something was finding a cow head willing to air lift us out of there and give us some fire support." It was a good enough explanation for Paul. Then he snuck a peak back at the unicorns who had just recovered from the sudden explosions and noticed that towel head was aiming at them.
"Incoming missile!" Shouted Paul as he hit the deck.
"Take evasive action!" Yelled Unicorn Gecko as she held on tight to the giant cow head's ears.
Suddenly the rocket shot out and flew past them, only missing by a small amount. They were home free now!
"Wooooo!" Yelled Paul. "Now we're safe and we can fly the rest of the way to the unicorn castle!"
"No!" Yelled Unicorn Gecko. "What! Why did you say that?! Now something bad will happen for sure!"
Paul realized his mistake too late as he saw a big strand of rainbow stuff flying at them. "Ugh, what's that?" He asked while pointing at the incoming projectile.
"Shit son! Betsy, we got unicorn spiders!"
Betsy, the cow head, seemed to know what to do as it immediately started swerving in the air to avoid the strand of rainbow stuff. They were able to dodge it easily, unfortunately like 6,000 more shot up at them suddenly from all different places in the forest.
"Well today sucks.." Said Paul as one band of rainbow struck the side of the cow head. The rainbow simply cut in a little ways and stuck to the cow head. It was obvious to Paul that they weren't going anywhere with this rainbow stuff stuck to them so Paul cut it off his his sword arm before it could pull them down. The rainbow thing fell limp to the forest floor, but it had done its damage. The wound was now on fire and bleeding a thick stream of smoke.
"We're hit!" Cried Unicorn gecko. This is bad! Before long they were hit by several more of the bands of rainbow and it was apparent that they were losing altitude.
"Looks like we're going down with the ship." Said Paul sullenly. He'd faced death plenty of times, but never while riding a flying cow head through a unicorn-based sub dimension. It didn't take long for them to start spinning out of control while trailing a line of black smoke behind them. At this point it wasn't surprising when they rammed into the tree line and exploded.
Is this the end of Paul? Lol it would be a real big dick move if I just randomly ended this shit right here. Anyways, normally I would cut a chapter short after a dramatic thing like this, but I'm just gonna go ahead and stuff all of this in one chapter...
Paul pushed himself off the ground with a grunt. He was still partially on fire, but he hardly cared at the moment. He looked over to see Unicorn gecko doing the same thing. Thankfully it didn't seem hurt too bad. Then he spotted cow head laying on the ground. He walked through the flaming debris to where it was laying and sat down. It was breathing heavily and was obviously in a lot of pain from the numerous wounds on its body and the missing chunks that came off in the crash. Then it stuck its tongue out revealing a red and blue unicorn head on the end.
Of course, it wouldn't be here if it didn't have anything to do with unicorns.. After all, this isn't the cow level.
It started coughing a little bit through its unicorn head tongue before it tried speaking to Paul. "Did I do good coach?" It asked in a high pitched british voice.
"You sure did, son. You did great." Replied Paul with a smile.
It returned the smile to Paul before coughing a little more. "It's gettin' real cold coach. Can we have some hot chocolate?"
"Shh shhh. When we get home I'll buy you all the hot chocolate you can drink. Then we can get a dog and we can finally be a family."
Cow head sat there for a few seconds before smiling and saying. "I'd like that. Can we get a house by the ocean?"
"Of course, we can get a house wherever you want..."
Cow head started coughing violently at this point. "I feel really tired coach..."
Paul just put a hand on his tongue shoulder thing. "Shhh, it'll be fine. Sleep now. Every things gonna' be fine."
After saying that Cow head started heaving blood and he had a brief muscle spasm before stopping and laying still. Paul sighed and wiped a tear away that was rolling down his face. "Now cracks a noble heart. Good-night, sweet prince; And flights of unicorn angels sing thee to thy rest."
Unicorn gecko came up to him crying and they shared a long hug as they cried into each other's shoulders. Cow head was practically family at this point.
Eventually Unicorn gecko recovered and wiped the tears away. "We should get going, those unicorn guys are gonna' be back. They'll be able to follow the smoke and we only went ten to twenty miles at most."
Paul just nodded in agreement. He didn't feel like having a conversation at the moment, it just didn't seem appropriate.
They walked for several more hours and finally they were starting to get over the death of their dear friend. Paul had seen plenty of death, but losing a friend never got any easier. He looked ahead at Unicorn gecko, at least he still had it as a friend. Then he realized something very important, Unicorn gecko is a girl! She was possibly his best friend he had now. No, she was more than just a friend. He didn't know what he would do if anything happened to her.
Then he noticed something strange, it looked like a big mosquito bite on her right shoulder. "Are you ok?"
She looked surprised by the question, she clearly didn't know what he was referring to. "What do you mean?"
"Your shoulder, it looks like it really hurts." Said Paul while getting closer to examine the wound.
She suddenly seemed very defensive and turned her back away from Paul. "It's nothing." She stated bluntly.
Paul just gave her a stern look, it clearly wasn't 'nothing'. "Just let me look at it."
She sighed when he said this and lowered her head before coming closer to Paul. He looked at the wound for a few seconds before a horrible realization hit him. This wasn't from the crash that they got into, this was a very distinct wound. It was a unicorn bite!
"Wha-what is this? When were you planning on telling me?" Asked Paul, his voice was now shaking a little bit as he realized how serious this was.
"I just... I didn't want you to worry." Said Unicorn gecko.
"Well you did a pretty terrible job of it! You didn't think I would find out eventually."
"Not like this... I was just hoping to, I don't know. Help you out before I changed... But then I met you and we became so much more than friends.. I'm sorry. I didn't want this to happen."
"How long?" Asked Paul, he was having a lot of difficulty keeping himself from going into tears.
"Wha-?"
"HOW LONG?!" Yelled Paul.
"I'll be a unicorn in less than a few hours..."
Paul rubbed his hands across his face. This was literally the worst. "Maybe you should just go." He finally said.
Unicorn gecko looked heart broken but finally shook her head. "That would probably be best, you know the way."
Paul nodded his head and Unicorn gecko turned and left. As soon as she was far enough away Paul finally let himself start crying. He soon found himself curled up on the ground crying into his tail as he was now alone.
Paul awoke later curled up next to a tree. He had fallen asleep at some point while crying. Looking up he saw that it was starting to get dark out so he had clearly been asleep for at least a few hours. He briefly wondered why there was a day and night cycle if there wasn't a sun or anything that he could see before he just decided that it didn't matter.
Now rested for the first time in like a week Paul decided to continue towards the castle. No doubt the unicorn things had made a lot of ground on him while he slept and he wasn't looking forward to fighting them all by himself again.
He continued his journey into the forest as it progressively got darker and darker. Thankfully he had night vision or this would be really hard. As it got darker he heard the telltale cries of nocturnal creatures waking up. For example, he heard screeching that reminded him of an owl. As he thought about how stupid a unicorn owl would look he allowed himself to laugh for the first time in a long time. And by a long time, I mean a few hours.
Maybe things wouldn't turn out so badly. Maybe he could just get to the unicorn castle without anything bad happening. Then Paul realized what happened, that last sentence was the perfect set up for something to jump out randomly and maul him. He looked around the forest expecting a fight. After a few moments of nothing happening he let his guard down, perhaps nothing bad was going to happen. Then Paul realized that the same thing just happened and something could jump out at any moment,
After a short time he forgot about all of that and continued walking through the forest. He really had no idea where the unicorns that were trying to kill him were even at. They couldn't be far away at this point, no doubt they had started following him as soon as he flew off. Unfortunately, he hasn't exactly been making good time. Perhaps he can make up for that though, he is pretty fast.
With a newfound need for speed Paul sprinted off at speeds rivaling two cheetahs tied together. It stands to reason that if you tied two cheetahs of equal speed to each other then their overall speed would be doubled.
He continued like that for a while until he came to a large canyon which he had to negotiate his way around. This would slow him down, but he was making good enough time anyways. He started walking around the canyon when he saw something at the bottom, it looked like a building. Paul had yet to see a single building since he came to this messed up place. Perhaps checking it out was a good idea.
With a new goal Paul began to climb down the side of the canyon. Once he got closer he saw that it was less of a building and more of a shack. It wasn't very big and it looked like a red neck family lived there with all the trash on the ground outside, but it also looked like someone lived there. That was good enough for him, so he went up and knocked on the door.
After a few moments the door opened revealing a small, old-looking unicorn man of some sort. I say old-looking because it had a long white beard and mustache and it was all wrinkly. "Hey there." Said Paul.
The unicorn thing adjusted its thick glasses and looked at Paul for a few moments before letting out a grunt. "Shouldn't you be getting home young man?"
"Huh?" Paul was confused, he couldn't even read what the unicorn guy just said because it was yellow over a white background.
The unicorn thing noticed his confusion and cleared his throat before continuing. "Sorry, I've been here for so long I forgot that yellow is hard to read. Anyways, shouldn't you be getting home young man?"
"Well I was planning on it, but I saw this shack down here and decided to take a look."
"I don't think you entirely understand. If you don't go home you're going to die." Said the old unicorn.
Paul was even more confused now. "Are you threatening me?"
"Not me ya' whippersnapper. The unicorn meteors will kill you."
"Alright, now I'm sufficiently confused. What the hell are the unicorn meteors?"
"Every year a cluster of unicorn shaped meteors fall from the sky and destroy all life on the planet." Said the old unicorn as though everyone should know that.
Paul just stood there, that sounded highly unbelievable. For one, this old man didn't seem particularly trustworthy living out in his stupid shack in the middle of nowhere. Next, what should I even bring up next? "Alright, so meteors kill everything on the planet every year?"
"Yes, that's right."
"Then how old are you?"
"I'm nearly four months old. I've had a long life, I'm not afraid of death anymore."
"Well alright, now I'm just confused. So four months is a long time here?"
"Yeah, why do ya' ask?" Asked the old unicorn man with a glare.
"No reason. So when do these meteors hit?"
"Tomorrow at 12:00 of course. They hit at the same time every year."
Well things were certainly getting weird now. Also, he now had a time limit to get home. At least if he wanted to avoid being murdered by meteors. "Wait, if everything gets killed every year then why are there all these plants and animals?"
"Truth is no one knows where it all comes from, but each year everything starts to regrow again shortly after the cataclysm."
Paul just face-clawed. This old unicorn wasn't going to be of anymore help, This place was just too messed up for him, he needed to get out of here as soon as possible. "Alright, thanks for the help. I've got to get going then."
The unicorn thing waved at him as he ran off. "What a nice lizard." It then went back inside its house and waited for the approaching meteors.
Now that Paul had a time limit he wasn't going to waste any time. He climbed up the other side of the canyon as fast as he could and immediately started sprinting towards his destination again. At the rate they were traveling before they were going to get to the castle much later than 12:00. They had also wasted a lot of time on the way. Now that Paul was on his own he was able to go much faster at least. He still wasn't sure if it would be enough of a difference to allow him to get there on time. He continued to run for a few more hours and made a lot of ground.
It was now very early in the morning and Paul was continuing his run. He had stumbled upon a root bear pond and was able to rehydrate there. He knew he couldn't stop now or he'd never get to his destination on time.
Then a rocket flew out of the tree line suddenly. Thankfully, Paul was able to think fast enough to jump out of the way and he narrowly avoided the explosion. He knew exactly what this meant and quickly morphed his arms into swords. Suddenly out of the smoke Stabby jumped out and got a good slash at Paul with his bugle fingers. Paul was able to narrowly avoid having his entire face scraped off, but he did get a nasty gash across his cheek. Stabby was relentless though, and he swiped at Paul continually causing him to have to block and back up to avoid being murdered.
Then he heard a familiar revving behind him and knew that he was about to be attacked by Chainsaw guy. Unfortunately there was very little he could do because he was busy blocking Stabby with both hands. It looked like he would get chopped in half right there, there was no more hope.
Then there was a loud shriek from the forest that chilled Paul to the bone. It was the most horrifying thing he'd ever heard, and he knew exactly what it was. The rest of the unicorn guys seemed to know as well as they started looking around for the source of the noise. Stabby was still attacking Paul, but Chainsaw guy was now more concerned with whatever was making the noise.
There was another shriek from a shorter distance away this time before something horrible stepped out from behind the nearby trees. It was the most horribly creature they could possibly find out here, a wild unicorn. Paul took a quick look at the creature while Stabby seemed to do the same and he was shocked at what he saw. It wasn't entirely unicorn yet, it was still transforming! What was even worse is that it was clearly Unicorn Gecko. She had transformed though, now she was more unicorn in shape and was much taller and more muscular. She also had a proboscis much like that of a mosquito.
Paul nearly fell to his raptor knees at seeing this, she was a monster now. Another shriek from the unicorn snapped him out of it and he turned to see Stabby trying to kill him again. Clearly these unicorns were more concerned with killing him than living.
Chainsaw guy proved this as he revved his weapon and ran at the unicorn. It didn't even move or anything, it just let him stab the chainsaw into its arm. After a moment he lobbed a large chunk of flesh off and started laughing victoriously. Then he noticed the look on the unicorn's face. It's eyes were bloodshot as it stared into Chainsaw guy's soul. He couldn't take the force of its stare and he simply imploded leaving blood everywhere.
Nun chuck guy wasn't at all perturbed by how easily his partner was killed and he ran at the thing swinging his nun chucks wildly. The unicorn just looked at him before a bunch of sharpened tentacles burst out of the wound on its arm and sliced Nun chuck guy into pieces.
Seconds later towel head launched another rocket at the unicorn. It was a direct hit! Unfortunately for him, it wasn't very effective. It just seemed to make the unicorn angrier if anything. With that said, the unicorn jumped at towel head and sunk its proboscis into his head and sucked his brains out like a milkshake. It looked delicious to say the least.
Now it was just Paul and Stabby who were having an epic battle. They hardly even noticed what had happened to the other unicorn things because they were so focused on beating each other. Then their fight was interrupted when the unicorn appeared behind Stabby and grabbed his head with one arm. Stabby simply swung up with his bugle-clad fingers and sliced the unicorn's entire arm off. It didn't seem to mind, though, as a new one simply grew in its place. The unicorn wasted no more time in crushing Stabby's skull with its arm.
Now only Paul was left. He gulped as he realized that he would likely have to fight against not only a unicorn, but Unicorn Gecko. Then it shocked him by speaking.
"Hey Paul."
It said it so casually that Paul was confused for a few seconds. "Umm, I thought you turned into a unicorn, how come you can talk to me through your never ending bloodlust?"
"Oh that. Pphhh, I'm not entirely a unicorn yet silly. I figured I would help you since unicorn meteors are coming to kill us all in a few hours anyways."
Paul shrugged, he could use the help. He wasn't sure if the castle would be filled with unicorn things or not. If it was, it would be good to have her with him. "Alright, but you better not turn entirely into a unicorn suddenly and eat my brains."
"I can't promise anything."
"Whatever, good enough for me." Paul was just glad to have her back, now he could go home. "Now come on, we don't have long till noon!"
As Paul said this the ground around them started shaking. It seemed like a pretty strong earthquake. That theory was put to rest when he saw the ground opening up not very far from them as dozens of trees fell into the sudden hole. The worst part is, it was still opening up.
"Capital SHIIIIIT!" Yelled Paul as he realized that the ground below them was disappearing. They didn't have time to move as the hole suddenly sucked up the land under them and they started falling. As they fell Paul saw a big robot unicorn that looked suspiciously like a Gundam fly past them and out of the top of the hole using its jet packs. He decided that it was probably the robot's fault that they were now falling into an extremely deep hole. Then he realized that this hole was far too deep... They had been falling for at least 30 seconds now, no hole should be that deep!!!!
Then, much to Paul's chagrin, they finally reached the end (unintentional rhymes). Paul screamed once, needless to say it was plenty manly, before he slapped headfirst into the ground.
Thankfully he landed in something soft and squishy, Of course it was dark so Paul had to switch to his night vision to see what it was, It turns out he landed in a huge pile of what appeared to be organs.
Paul wasn't very grossed out by this, he's landed in piles of weirder stuff, at least this was soft. He could have just relaxed there all day, but he remembered about Unicorn Gecko. He got up and frantically started looking around. From what he saw, they were in a fairly large open room that seemed to be completely coated in guts. He couldn't even see the walls through it all. Then he saw a large pulsating mass of guts that stood out from the rest of them. For one, it wasn't connected to the walls like all the other guts were, so that made it different. Aside from that there were a few trees that had fallin in, just now they were inside-out for some reason.
It took Paul a few seconds to register what that meant. Unicorn Gecko must be the inside out gut pile! He rushed over to the pile and scooped it up in his claws. The guts are still pulsating, so that meant she must still be alive! Paul started frantically trying to put the organs back together in a way where they weren't all inside out but to no avail.
"Scanning... Scanning... Unidentified stupid lizard detected... Identify."
Paul looked over and saw a weird looking robot thing standing in a doorway to another room that he hadn't seen before. It looked like a humanoid skeleton made from rusted copper-ish metal, but it had a bird-like head. It also had red glowing eyes that were now trained onto Paul.
"Umm, hey bud. I'm Paul. What's going on here?"
"Lol, I tricked you. I don't actually have to talk like that. Anyways, you're in the Unicore."
"You see, when you throw around made up words I don't understand what you're talking about." Said Paul just as rude as ever.
"The Unicore is the core of the planet."
"Ok, ok... I can live with that. But why is everything covered in guts?"
"This planet is a giant unicorn head. We are inside the head right now. Everything unicorn-based is inside-out here. Luckily I was built inside-out so that I could function in here and do my job."
"Ummm. How are you unicorn-based? You don't look anything like a unicorn. Also, what do you do here?"
"I resembled a unicorn before I turned inside-out. And my job is the most important one there is. I store DNA from the various species. You see, this is the only place on the planet that isn't destroyed each year by the unicorn meteors. Once everything is wiped out, I dispatch unicorn DNA to the surface and let it evolve back into all the creatures and plants that you see on the surface. Luckily, while inside-out, creatures don't get old and die like they normally would."
"So you're saying that it's safe in here from the unicorn meteors?"
"Yes."
Paul thought about this for a short time before he got a good idea. "Can you take Unicorn Gecko here? She'll die on the surface."
The robot looked at him for a second before scanning Unicorn Gecko with his eyes. "Aww, wild unicorn DNA. It's very hard to come across, I'll gladly take her."
Paul was happy to hear this but sad at the same time. He'd never see her again.
"Follow me." Said the robot as it walked through the doorway.
Paul did just that, and before he knew it they had traveled through various other tunnels all made of guts. "So, what was up with that giant robot that we saw on out way down?"
"Aww, that was a planetary defense system. It never works, but it's my job to try. I send a bunch of robots out into space to try and defeat the unicorn meteors in honorable combat."
"Well that makes sense." Said Paul as they entered a very large chamber that stretched hundreds of yards in every direction. The room was filled with little pools of bile that had various blobs of pulsating organs in them. He guessed that these were other creatures being kept here by the robot.
"Alright, drop her in the juice." Said the robot as he motioned towards an empty pool of the greenish liquid.
Paul walked up to the pool and unceremoniously dropped the pile of guts he was carrying in. Then he knelt down next to the floating pile of now extra wet guts. "Hehe, we sure had quite an adventure huh? I still remember how we met. Those were some of the best minutes of my life. I'm sorry it has to end this way, but you'll be better off here as a pile of inside-out guts preserved for all eternity. I know you wanted to help me out with the castle, but let me help you. I guess this is goodbye..." He sighed before bending down and kissing her on the brainstem.
"Alright, you had your fun, now lets go." Said the robot as he started walking towards another door.
"Wait, how am I going to get back to the surface?"
"Idiot head, there are emergency ladders all over the planet that lead to here. There's actually one fairly close to the castle if that's where you're going. I'll show you where it is."
Paul was relieved, that's somewhat convenient. "Do you know how long until the meteors get here?"
"A little more than an hour, you're going to have to be quick." Said the robot.
"Then let's go!"
The robot then led Paul to a long metal tube with a ladder that he assumed would lead him to the surface. Once he climbed to the top he opened a hatch and found himself back outside. A short look around revealed a large gray castle not very far away. He was somewhat surprised that it wasn't all rainbow-ey like everything else in this place was. It actually looked just like a proper medieval castle.
Then he started to think. What if everything in the Unicore wasn't inside out? What if everything was normal in there and it was just me and the robot that were inside out?! These thoughts would likely haunt him for years, there was just no way to know the answer to that question.
Then Paul started moving towards the castle, it was pretty close. He got over a hill and immediately dropped onto his stomach as he noticed several unicorn things guarding the door. He quickly pulled out his go go gadget binoculars and looked at the guards. They appeared to be big unicorn things, each was slightly like Unicorn man with small differences. the only thing that was consistent is that they all had guns. Ak-47's from the looks of them. Paul wouldn't just be able to run into and punch them all to death, that would be stupid.
He spotted a cart coming down the road towards the castle and got a great idea. He would just sneak past the guards! He moved silently to the cart through the trees and grabbed onto the bottom of it before anyone could notice. He held on to the bottom, completely out of sight. The guards checked the cart's contents quickly before allowing it to enter through the gates. Luckily, they didn't look at the bottom.
The cart rolled inside to a large courtyard that was, unfortunately, filled with all kinds of unicorns. They were likely working for Unicorn man. Once the cart stopped, Paul jumped out into a pile of nearby cardboard boxes where he was completely concealed. He peeked out after a few seconds to make sure that no unicorns had seen him before he grabbed a box and ran into a nearby door. Now he just needed to sneak up to where Unicorn man was at. Thankfully there was a small map of the castle on the wall, clearly to help newbies out.
Paul traced the path where he needed to go with a claw before he started down the hall, still carrying his cardboard box. It didn't take long for Paul to hear voices from ahead of him in the hall, no doubt more guards. He was ready, though, and he simply ducked into his cardboard box and sat still in the corner.
Before long he heard the voices of the guards as they passed him. They were talking about corn... Paul was happy that that had actually worked. Perhaps it would be safer if I just continued on with the box.
With that thought he started crawling down the hall, still completely covered by the box. Luckily, he could see through a little hole that would normally be used as a handle. As he continued towards his destination he heard another guard's voice. He didn't care though, he had a box, nothing could find him! He continued to crawl by and the guard took notice of him.
It seemed intrigued with the idea of a conscious cardboard box crawling around on its own so it came up to it and started poking it with its assault rifle. Paul felt the poking on the side of the box and stopped. "Hey, what is this? I don't even?" The guard was clearly confused about the box. Paul knew the gig was up, he was found out. Before the guard could figure out what was going on Paul flipped the box over himself very dramatically before grabbing onto the unicorn's neck with both hands. With one simple motion he snapped the creature's spine. Then he caught the body before it could fall to the ground and make too much noise.
Well, the box clearly isn't going to work again. Paul decided to go the rest of the way commando style. He picked up the dead guard's machine gun and continued down the hall and up a few flights of stairs. it wasn't far to Unicorn man's office. Once he got up the stairs he went around a corner and was surprised to see Unicorn man standing at the other end of the room with demonic conch in one hand and a long wooden staff in the other. Thankfully, it was a rather large room.
"Hahaha! Well there you are. I've been expecting you Paul. You're really something you know that? No creature, unicorn or otherwise, had ever stood up to the unicorns of the apocalypse and survived."
"Meh, twas easy." Said Paul offhandedly.
"Good, then you'll have no trouble with my guards..." As he said this a group of unicorn things started rushing out of a door behind him and running towards Paul.
Paul raised his gun in time to fire a few rounds into the head of a big unicorn that stood upright on four legs with a bunch of tentacles coming from its torso. The unicorn's head exploded from the bullets and it fell to the floor as other unicorns climbed over it. His next target was a big unicorn wasp that was flying at him. Wasps are practically bees, and you know how he feels about bees. The wasp went down easily along with several other unicorn guards before his gun made the 'I'm empty' noise.
He had no more bullets with him so he dropped the weapon and instead charged up a pair of economy chainsaw blades in hands. he then used the circular blades to block an attack from a nearby unicorn guard with eight legs, much like a spider. The blue chainsaw blades simply sliced through the guard's arms, completely severing them. It screamed and backed up a little ways before turning and ejecting web at Paul. At least, he hoped it was web.
The webs took Paul by surprise and it managed to get over most of his torso. he was so distraught by the sticky substance that he nearly took a spear to the head as another guard lunged at him. This one was just a unicorn torso with spears coming out where all the limbs and head would normally be,
After narrowly dodging the sharp appendage he kicked out and snapped two of the guard's spear legs in half with his foot. As the guard fell over Paul swiped down with one arm and sliced its torso in half before lunging at the spider guard and doing the same. As he got done with that he turned to see two remaining guards who were pulling AK-47's off their backs. one was just a normal unicorn with crab claws and a head that split down the middle and the other was a great white shark with flamingo heads for arms and a big unicorn head growing from its chest.
Paul wasn't about to let these guards just shoot him, so he tossed both of his chainsaw blades at the guards. The blades spun through the air and easily chopped both the guards in half before disappearing.
Unicorn man looked around the carnage of the room with a frown. "You were supposed to die like a good raptor. No matter, you are doomed! Even if you manage to beat me you will simply be killed by the unicorn meteors like everything else! you lose Paul!"
"Bro, do you even know who i am?" He answered just as cockily as ever. "I'm a mother chuggin sex raptor..."
Unicorn man clearly wasn't happy with Paul's attitude. "I'll just have to wipe that smile off your face. Now die!" He snarled as a fireball suddenly started to form on the tip of his staff which he would undoubtably use to try to fricassee Paul alive.
Paul was prepared for a fight and he got ready to dodge the incoming fireball, however, it simply fizzled out. He was slightly confused until he noticed the pained look on Unicorn man's face. He started groaning and dropped his staff and the conch to the ground as he clutched his head. Paul was about to take advantage of the situation and kick Unicorn man's head off while he was distracted, but then yellow liquid started dripping out of his nose and mouth. Paul could tell from the smell that it was lemonade.
After a few second he collapsed as more lemonade poured from his open mouth. He appeared to be dead.
Paul walked up to him and confirmed this, from the looks of it, all his vital organs were suddenly turned into lemonade. Then Paul heard a voice in his head. "I did that." He started to look around for the source of the noise before it continued. "Down here you idiot, the conch."
Paul looked down and noticed the dark spiky sea shell. Paul reached down and picked it up.
"Good, now listen to me. I killed that fool Unicorn man and I'll do the same to you if you ever double cross me. He thought he could control me, but he was an idiot. I only used him because he was the most powerful unicorn around. Without me he couldn't even open portals to other planes."
"So you can open portals?" Asked Paul.
"Of course I can! I may be trapped in this bloody conch shell, but I'm still the demon lord of lemonade. Now then, I want to make you a deal."
"Seems legit. What's the deal?"
"As you know the unicorn meteors are going to hit soon. I think we both want to leave this dreaded place before that happens, so I'm willing to make a portal back to the normal realm. However, once we're there you must take me to a town, I can not go there on my own in this form."
"That should be easy enough, now let's get the fibbity-frick out of here!"
As he said this the world around him suddenly got shaky and turned into a tornado of colors. After last time, he was able to discern that he was probably traveling through a portal right now. Before long he popped out of the portal and onto the cold forest ground. Paul quickly stood up and brushed himself off. After looking around he was able to recognize that this was the same clearing he had been in before. It was still night, but Paul could see the sun coming up over the horizon, he'd have to get to work soon. Then he remembered the demonic conch and picked him up.
"Hehe, that was fun. You're going to absolutely love it in Ponyville."
Yeah... Back to Ponyville...
Maybe next chapter will actually have something to do with the plot.
Mmmmm dat plot.
Anyways, here's a picture I drew a while ago with the demonic conch... along with some other things. It's not very good so get off my back. I'd upload a picture of the elemental plane of unicorns too (I drew a really retarded picture with water colors last year), but I don't have the picture so I'd have to copy it off facebook, and that just sucks.
Also, does anyone know an easy way of adding pictures on this thing? Like, for instance, adding pictures from dev art... That would make everything so much easier...
lololol, I'm gonna add a bunch of words down here until this chapter is at ten thousand words, just because it's soooo close. It was like nine-thousand nine-hundred and ninety-seven before so i think I've earned this. Also, don't QQ just because there are no ponies in this chapter, instead there are real live unicorns!
Yeah i know... not quite as good...
Maybe I should add the romance and sad tags after this chapter...
Lolno! People will see the romance tag along with the description and instantly think 'clopfic!'
Authors note: I can't believe this work of literary garbage has more likes than dislikes... Oh who am I kidding, I work hard to type this. Maybe someday it will even be featured by the admins... Lol, that's never gonna' happen, but I can dream. Can't I?
Paul walked back to Ponyville. Yeah, cool story, I know. He had just gotten out of the elemental plane of unicorns and it was pretty early in the morning. The sun was still just starting to come up over the horizon which meant that he'd have to go back to work soon. He carried the demonic conch with him as he walked, but they didn't talk at all.
That is, until they got to Ponyville and the demonic conch asked to be put down in some alley. Paul didn't ask questions, he didn't really care what the conch did. Now alone, Paul started to head over to Applejack's farm where he would no doubt spend a long day of hard work and low pay.
Once he got there, it was the same thing as last time. He had to clean the pig pens and feed them, then there were the cows. Paul really didn't like the cows, the way they looked at him while he milked them was just weird. At least there was a routine, he could live with a routine.
After countless seconds of you reading, the day was over, and Paul was able to return to his temporary home in the library tree. He was pretty excited to go in the forest and build his special project some more, but he also hadn't eaten all day. He would simply go and steal some food from Twilight's pantry/fridge and maybe have a pleasant conversation with her. Then, afterwards, he could go to the forest and build some more. It was a perfect plan.
The walk to the library from the apple orchard/farm was uneventful and not worth typing about. With that said, Paul was now at the library tree. He walked in the small front door, careful not to hit his head, and proceeded to walk to the kitchen.
Halfway through the main room he was verbally assaulted. "What the hay are you doing?" Paul looked over and saw Twilight standing at the top of the stairs with a frown in her face.
Paul looked down as if he was inspecting himself for a second before answering. "As far as I can tell, I'm breathing, I was walking too, and I'm being alive. Which one are you upset about?"
Twilight almost blurted out that she was angry about him being alive but she caught herself. "I'm mad because you're tracking mud all over my freshly cleaned library!"
Paul looked down at his feet and noticed that there was a small amount of dirt on them from working in the farm and walking around outside. "Look, Purple guy, you ponies walk through the dirt all day without any shoes on. I'm sure that I'm not tracking any more dirt than every other pony that walks in here."
She pointed a hoof towards a small mat by the door that was clearly made for wiping your feet before entering the library before she glared at him angrily. "My names not Purple guy!"
"Wait, it's not? Oh man, that's embarrassing, I thought you were Purple guy this whole time..."
"I already told you my name is Twilight Sparkle! Why would my name even be Purple guy?!" She yelled.
"I don't know, why would your name be Twilight Sparkle? I just figured your parents thought it would be funny to name you Purple guy."
Twilight face hoofed for a few seconds before continuing. "Alright, and where have you been for the past two days?" She knew that he had been at Applejack's farm, but not what he did all night. She needed to know these things so she could follow him and kill him one of these days.
"I went into the forest. No big deal." Paul shrugged and walked into the kitchen. Once inside, he checked the freezer and was relieved to see that the ice chest and Steve were still in there. He then opened the fridge and started pulling stuff out. Twilight now came into the room and stared at him as he began piling random food stuffs on a nearby counter.
"Where in the forest?" She asked after a few seconds.
"I don't know, I didn't have a map." Paul actually did know, he remembered perfectly exactly where he had been (Being a man means he has a natural sense of direction, much like how earth ponies are naturally stronger). He just didn't want to explain it to her.
Twilight sighed, she clearly wasn't going to be able to interrogate him about exactly where he went. "So, what are you even making?"
Paul was quite literally just taking out anything he saw and piling it onto a piece of bread. "A sammich."
Twilight ignored his horrible pronunciation of the word 'sandwich' and instead asked the obvious question. "Why are you putting all that stuff on it?" It was a good question, at this point the sandwich contained half a dozen raw eggs, some cheese, ketchup, and at least four types of vegetables. Normally Paul wouldn't eat such unhealthy food (vegetables), but he was hella hungry.
Paul got a great idea, perhaps he could rope her into making the sandwich. She was a female after all (which means she has a natural ability to make sandwiches). "What? Like you could make a better sandwich."
This didn't work as twilight just rolled her eyes. "That doesn't look like a sandwich, it looks like a dead animal."
"Perfect." Stated Paul simply.
"Whatever, I'm going back upstairs." She clearly gave up on trying to talk to Paul.
Twilight then left and Paul was free to devour his abomination of a sandwich. It tasted pretty good. After his delicious meal, he went to the local hardware store. Thankfully, it was open pretty late so he was able to buy a butt load of random metal scraps with his money. A quick treck through the forest and he was back at his make shift work shop. It was pretty much just a small clearing with a pile of tools and metal in it. At least no ponies come into the forest, so no one would see it. That is assuming that none of the animals feel compelled to touch it.
He instantly got to work with his tools (which are magic, much like all pony technology) and spent the next few hours just sitting in the grass working. Things were going pretty good until he heard something rustling through bushes a little ways off with his super hearing. Paul just stood up and waited, whatever it was it would either leave or do something soon.
Then something ran out of the bushes from behind Paul. This was exactly what he was waiting for, so he was prepared. He jumped in the air and roundhouse kicked right at whatever it was. His foot made contact with something and it was pushed a short ways away. As he landed he was able to identify it as some type of lion whose mother clearly had unprotected sex with a scorpion and a bat at some point, perhaps at the same time. It was now pulling itself off the ground from Paul's kick.
Paul smirked to himself. "Chuck Norris aint got nuthin on me." Walker texas ranger? More like QWOPer texas ranger!
It didn't take long for the huge lion thing to recover from the kick and now it was growling at Paul. It clearly wanted nothing more than to feast on his skin, but he knew better than to let that happen. He simply reached into his chest cavity and pulled out a bag of catnip that he had been saving for a special occasion.
The manticore looked at him, then at the bag. It clearly knew what it was. "Wanna get high?"
Hours later Paul and the manticore were sitting with their backs against some trees. They had smoked, snorted, and shot up the entire bag of catnip (oxford comma). Paul couldn't help but laugh as he saw a purple and green dinosaur dancing around in front of him. "Hehe, Barney is one crazy son of a bitch..." The manticore was too busy licking its butt and purring to notice though, it had been licking its butt for like the last hour.
Then Barney started puking lasers at the death star. At this point Paul stared feeling really hungry, he could tell the manticore was feeling the same and they soon found themselves walking through the forest. The next thing he knew, they were eating a live zebra legs first. It started screaming. "Stop eating me, i demand you set me free!"
Paul found it funny that the mutant zebra was getting eaten by a mutant lion. It was even more funny that it was rhyming. Paul chuckled a little through a mouth full of zebra leg. Within literally seconds, they had devoured the entire zebra and they started running around yelling random profanities. More specifically, Paul was yelling.
Before long, they found themselves in Ponyville. Paul rode on the manticore's back as it ran through the streets knocking down trash cans and carts that had been left in the town square over night. While still mounted on the manticore, Paul used an energon baseball bat to smash ponies' mailboxes while they ran past.
The rest of the night was a blur and Paul woke up in an alleyway as some light from the sun shone onto his face. He instantly jumped up, he was late for work! By the looks of it the sun had already been up for at least an hour. He ran out of the alley, now concerned that he would get fired. Then he noticed that there were a lot of ponies, possibly the whole town assembled in front of the town square and listening to a brown and gray pony talk. After looking for a few moments, he spotted Applejack and her brother standing in the crowd.
Shewf, looks like I have an excuse for why I wasn't at work. Paul got closer to the ponies and stood in the back of the crowd to hear what the pony on stage was saying. Basically, the pony, who he assumed was a girl based on the voice, talked about how a manticore came through town last night and broke a bunch of mailboxes and carts and generally made a huge mess. Apparently they didn't know that Paul helped or where the manticore ran off to. Now everyone had gathered together to help clean up the mess.
After a short mental debate about whether or not he should help, Paul reluctantly decided to join the clean up effort. Not that he cared that he had helped make the mess, but he knew the other ponies would probably get mad at him for not helping. More specifically, Applejack would. He really didn't want to get fired at this point, not until after he finished his ultimate creation.
Thankfully, the clean up only took about an hour with everyone helping. They replaced about a dozen mailboxes that Paul remembered destroying and cleaned up all the trash and broken carts. Once that was done, he walked over to the apple farm with Applejack and her brother and worked the rest of the day.
'Paul meats Zecora', get it? Because she's made of meat... There's only one zebra in the world, who did you think Paul and the manticore killed?
Back to short chapters now... (Fluttershy yay!)
Paul is invited to dinner
Authors note: Typing this while watching some mlg sc2. Gotta love Husky. Don't judge me...
Paul finished up work for the day and began walking through Ponyville to the hardware store. He was wearing his sunglasses and looking super fly.
Nothing could mess up today, he was gonna' finish his ultimate creation for sure! He had enough money for all the metal parts he needed and we was getting pretty close to finishing it. This is quite impressive since he had only been working on it for two days. His walk was soon interrupted, however, when a mint green unicorn walked in front of him. It was clearly trying to get his attention so he stopped and pulled down his sunglasses in a 'what do you want?' kind of way (if that makes sense).
The unicorn looked him up and down before clearing its throat. "Hi, I'm lyra." Obviously a girl pony. "I haven't gotten a chance to talk to you since you moved in."
Well this was different, none of the ponies had been interested in talking to him as of yet. They all seemed content with avoiding him since he was a freak. "Oh, well hi. I'm Paul."
"Yeah I know. I saw you at the party. That was a pretty cool story you told."
Paul rolled his eyes. Of course she only wanted to talk to him to make fun of him. "Yeah, yeah. It was a stupid story, go ahead and try to make fun of me. My jimmies are rustle proof."
"What, no I mean I really liked it. Did you really do all those things?"
Now Paul was a little surprised, this pony seemed genuinely interested. "Of course, I do cool stuff all the time."
"That's so awesome!" Yelled Lyra. "Hey, you should come ro my house for dinner tonight. I can introduce you to my roommate and you can tell more cool stories!"
Now Paul knew he had work to do to finish his project, but the opportunity of receiving free food and getting to recount some glorious stories was too good to pass up. "That sounds great, where do you live?"
"I'll show you, follow me!" With that she started trotting off down the road. Paul follow closely behind until they got to a small, two-story house. Lyra walked inside and motioned for Paul to follow, which he did. As they walked in he smelled something cooking. It smelled like carrots and potatoes.
"Hey Bon-bon, I'm home! And I brought a guest!"
"Oh great, do you finally have a colt friend? Everyone was starting to think you're a lesbian!" Called someone from the other room. Paul assumed this was Bon-bon.
Lyra rolled her eyes, clearly used to this kind of thing. "No, it's Paul, the dragon."
After saying this Bon-bon walked from the other room to get a look at this 'dragon'. She stared at Paul for a few seconds before turning to Lyra with a slightly annoyed look. "Lyra, can I talk to you in private for a few seconds?"
Lyra nodded and followed Bon-bon into the other room while Paul stood there awkwardly. He heard some hushed voices coming through the doorway but couldn't tell what they were saying. He could guess that they were probably talking about him though.
"Don't worry, Bon-bon is always weird about Lyra bringing guests home."
Paul looked over and saw a red pony with a dark red main sitting on a couch on the other side of the room. "Oh hey." Said Paul as awkwardly as ever.
At this point Lyra and Bon-bon came back. Bon-bon was clearly wearing a faked smile as she started talking. "Lyra says you'll be staying for dinner."
"Of course he will, he's our guest for this evening." Answered Lyra.
"Always bringing home weird guests..." Said Bon-bon under her breath. Paul heard her clearly, though, because he has ultimate sex raptor ear-holes.
They then walked into the other room and Paul followed. It was clearly a dining room based on the big wooden table that took up the majority of the space. Lyra and the red pony walked in and pulled up chairs while Bon-bon grabbed bowls from a nearby counter and placed them on the table. Paul decided to join them and he pulled up a chair. He was soon presented with a bowl full of soup as well. His smelling senses were correct earlier, and he confirmed that the soup was of potato and carrot origin.
Now that they were all seated and had food the ponies bowed their heads and Bon-bon started talking. "We thank you Celestia for this food and for allowing us to live another day without being smote by your ungodly hellfire. Hail Celestia!"
The other two ponies replied with a "Hail Celestia!" before they stuffed their faces into the bowls of soup. Although Paul didn't like vegetables much, he decided that it would be rude to not eat the soup, so he stuck his face into his bowl as well. It didn't taste too bad, sure it was no triceritops urine (which tastes really good btw) but it was alright.
After a while of them slurping up food Lyra decided to start a conversation. "So Paul, I heard you're living with Twilight Sparkle."
"Oh, yeah. Me and her are great friends, she practically insisted that I stay with her when I first arrived."
"And how did you arrive?"
"I crash landed in a space ship of course." Said Paul as he pulled a piece of carrot from his bowl and devoured it.
Bon-bon rolled her eyes. "Oh Celestia, Lyra will believe anything. You don't actually expect anyone sane to buy that do you?"
"I wish someone would buy that, then I could quit my job."
Lyra thought his extremely lame joke was really funny and spat out a mouthful of soup while laughing. Bon-bon, on the other hand, thought it was extremely lame. "So how did you and Lyra meet?"
"That's a really interesting story actually. I was walking through town just a few minutes ago, when she walks up and says 'hi'. So naturally I'm just like 'who's this pony?', but I was all cool and said 'hi' back. Then she invited me to dinner."
Bon-bon just turned and gave Lyra and angry look before continuing. "So you met Lyra just a few minutes ago?"
"Yep."
"And she just invited you to dinner randomly?"
"That's pretty much how it went, yes."
"So you walked in and joined us for dinner, and you don't even know any of us?"
"I know your names, isn't that good enough?"
Bon-bon face hoofed and decided that she didn't want to talk to Paul anymore. Lyra took this as a cue to start talking again. "So how have you been doing since you got into Ponyville? Where do you work?"
"I've been doing alright. It is pretty annoying how racist all the ponies are though. I got a job at the apple farm at least."
"Isn't that an apple orchard? Not a farm?"
"You know, I want to call it an orchard, but they also have pigs and cows. This would imply that it's a farm, however, it also has a ton of apple trees. With that said, I don't know what the hell to call it."
"I never really thought about that. What do you do there?"
"I help with gathering apples mostly, but I also have to..." Paul shuttered for a second. "Milk the cows and such."
"Is 'milking the cows' some kind of slang for sex?"
Paul was slightly surprised by this, he hadn't even heard ponies mention sex since he got here. He was starting to wonder if they even reproduced that way seeing as though they don't have any junk. He only noticed because they are all naked all the time. At this point he wouldn't be surprised if baby ponies just crawled out of the ground or something. Or perhaps Celestia is like an ant queen and she's giant and lays a bunch of pony babies. "Ugh no. It just means that I milk them."
"Cool... Cool..." Lyra said absently. At this point the red pony got up carrying the bowl and walked past Paul to the counter behind him. He didn't pay the pony any attention, it clearly wasn't very talkative.
"So, Paul. Did you hear about the manticore that came into town last night?"
Now she was just trying to start a conversation. Of course he heard about it, the whole town heard about it! "Yes I hear-" He stopped as his spider senses suddenly started to go crazy. Without thinking he jumped out of his chair and turned around. What he saw was the red pony somehow holding a knife in its hoof and trying to stab him. Thankfully his reflexes are as fast as two cheetahs tied together. It stands to reason that if you tie two cheetahs with equal reflex speeds together then their reflex speed will be doubled. With that said, Paul simply moved his hand at a high speed and slapped the knife away.
As soon as he did that the pony in front of him disappeared and was replaced by none other than RED spy. "Merde."
"The fuck?" Asked Paul seriously confused about this.
The RED spy wasn't going to give up yet, though. He started to pull out his revolved until Paul punched his arm. It easily snapped under the pressure of Paul's awesome strength. He screamed and backed away, clearly in pain from having his arm brutally mutilated.
"Alright, I want some explanation. I thought I killed you!"
"You got blood on my suit..."
"Either I get some answers or you lose some legs."
The RED spy simply reached into a pocket and pulled out his spy watch, it was a deadringer. Clearly he never died, he just turned invisible and used a decoy to make Paul think he was dead. Very clever. Then he pulled out his cigarette case and spy crabbed out the door and into the night. It still didn't explain how he survived the ship crash, or why he was here. But Paul didn't really care about all the details.
Paul didn't even bother to go after him, there's no arguing with a spy crab. He then turned to Lyra. "You knew, didn't you?"
Lyra just smiled awkwardly and looked away.
"You tried to get me killed!" Yelled Paul. Clearly not even Lyra liked him. Stupid ponies...
Then Lyra surprised everyone as she transformed into none other than Dr. Alan Grant AKA Sam Neill AKA the main character from Jurassic Park. "Clever girl... I'll get you next time."
"The fuck on a dick?" Asked Paul very intelligently.
Then the musician formerly known as Lyra transformed again, this time into Captain Barbossa. "You best start believing in pony fanfics, Mr. Paul. You're in one."
"What the hell is even happening here?!" Yelled Paul as he raised his arms up.
Then Captain Barbossa transformed into Skeletor. "You furry fool! I'll get you next time!" With that said, Skeletor ran across the room with his arms flailing and jumped through a closed window.
Paul got up and looked outside to see Skeletor turn into Dr. Zoidberg and scuttle away .
He stood there for a few seconds before turning to look at Bon-bon. She looked just as confused as him. "WHAT THE FUCK ON A GIANT BAG OF FLAMING CROCODILE DICKS JUST HAPPENED?!?!?1!??@!"
Bon-bon just stared back at him with her mouth hanging open. It turns out he wasn't going to find out what happened from her, so he decided to leave. "Thanks for dinner, remind me to never come here again." As he said this he walked out of the house and towards the hardware store. It was getting pretty late, but hopefully he'd be able to finish his creation before tomorrow. Either way, he'd surely be able to get all the supplies he needed so he wouldn't have to waste his time working any more.
Lyra is best pony. Search your feelings, you know it to be true. Maybe she'll appear in this story again later. Either way, I had a mental debate for several hours about how I was going to do Lyra in this story.
Lol, I like how I can kill off characters from the show and no one even cares. No one likes Zecora anyways. Maybe I'll kill off Fluttershy or the cutie mark crusaders next! Jk... That's not gonna happen...
Rarity gets her own chapter
Authors note: Someday, if I believe hard enough, this will be featured. Believe it! Anyways, here's that all-Rarity chapter that everyone has (not) been asking for.
Rarity sat alone in her boutique sipping a glass of wine that she held aloft with her ultra unicorn magic while reading the local newspaper. She always took pride in staying up to date on local events, not to mention it helped with her night job that she had picked up recently. After reading the cornicopia (I really thought that was a word) of gossip that adorned the first page she flipped to the second page. She did love the gossip in the newspaper, and apparently so did everypony else because it was always on the front.
The second page, however, had an interesting story. 'Three ponies found dead by lemonade' . Rarity reread the frontline before concluding that she hadn't read it wrong. It certainly was interesting enough to catch her attention, so she continued to read it.
Apparently, earlier in the day three ponies were found dead. From what the police reported, the victims had no connection to each other and all their internal organs were replaced by lemonade. At the scene of the crimes, there was no indication of a fight or any explanation as to why or how they have been, as the newspaper coined, 'lemonadeifide'. Like always, the local police were at a loss for what to do. They really did suck, perhaps they just needed more experience or training. Rarity also suspected that it was because all the police had donut cutie marks. What the hell do donuts even have to do with being a police officer?
No matter, now Rarity could do what she loves to do most. No, not designing clothes, that's only a hobby now. For you see, after the 'mare do well' incident over a year back, Rarity found the true meaning of her cutie mark. It has nothing to do with fashion, though she still enjoys that. No, the diamonds represented justice. Pure, unwavering, justice. So, she fights crime. She redesigned the 'mare do well' costume and now she's batmare.
She wasted no more time dilly dallying with the paper and ran upstairs to her sister's room. Fighting crime wasn't easy, but thankfully she had a sidekick to help her. That sidekick was none other than Sweetie Bell, or 'Raven' which is her super hero name. Perhaps someday she'd even get a cutie mark in justice like Rarity.
"Sweetie Bell, put on your costume. We're going out tonight." Sweetie Bell just nodded, she was used to this. After saying that Rarity ran back to her own room and opened the dresser. There, sitting neatly folded, was a black leather outfit. She slipped it on and then walked over to a mirror. The outfit was designed to cover every inch of her body, even her eyes were covered by thin fabric, so that no pony would know it was her. It was also black so she could sneak through the night easier and it even had a stylish cape. Sweetie Bell soon entered the room dressed in a similar costume and they nodded to each other.
"To the ponymobille! "
Na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na batmare!
The two of them ran down the stairs to the first floor of the house and then down some more stairs that were hidden under a secret hatch. The stairs led into a basement that looked like it was just a repurposed cave. The walls were covered in all types of high tech computers and such and in the middle of the room was none other than the ponymobille. It was literally just an apple cart that Rarity had stolen from Applejack and painted black.
She quickly jumped in the back while Sweetie Bell strapped herself to the front and started pulling it. Suddenly a big hole opened up in the ground outside allowing them to pull the ponymobille out and into the streets of Ponyville. As soon as they excited it closed again, thus concealing the secret entrance to the pony cave.
Now that they were out, it was time to find out who's behind the murders. Sweetie Bell pulled the cart around Ponyville for a while with Rarity sitting in the back. She is simply far too fabulous to pull it, also she told Sweetie Bell she might get a cart pulling cutie mark if she keeps at it. Then Rarity spotted a pony walking alone through the streets.
"I see a suspect." Whispered Rarity to her sidekick. Sweetie Bell knew what to do, she pulled the ponymobille into a nearby alley so they wouldn't be seen. They left the cart there and snuck towards the unsuspecting pony who seemed to just be minding her own business. Once she was close enough, Rarity simply grabbed the pony in her super pony magic and picked her up off the ground.
"Hey, what the hay is going on?!" Cried the pony.
Rarity moved up to the pony and stared into her eyes for a few seconds, it was one of the background ponies that nobody cares about. Then she said in as deep a voice as she could, "Who are you working for?!"
The pony was clearly startled by suddenly being picked up and interrogated in the middle of the night. "What are you t-talking about?"
"Don't play stupid with me! I know what you did. Now answer me! WHO ARE YOU WORKING FOR!?"
"I honestly don't know what you're talking about!"
Rarity was frustrated at this point. This pony wasn't going to cooperate easily, but she could fix that. She simply climbed up a nearby thatch roof building and carried the pony up with magic.
"Wha-what are you doing?!"
Rarity then held the pony over the edge of the building, it was a solid two story drop to the ground. The pony could easily hurt a leg from such a fall, and you know what they do to lame ponies. "Stop, what do you want?! I don't have any money! Please stop!"
"WHO ARE YOU WORKING FOR!!?!??!"
"I'm not working for anypony, I swear to Celestia!"
"SWEAR TO ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
She was about to drop the pony to her pony doom when she began to hear the sound of the ocean. They aren't even anywhere near an ocean! Rarity was able to deduce that an ocean sound so far from the shore was no doubt evil and so she put the pony down on the roof. "Don't let me catch you out here ever again!"
The pony was in tears at this point because she was so scared. "I d-don't even know what I did wrong, I was just walking to my house! And how am I supposed to get down from this building?!"
Rarity just jumped off the roof, using her magic to catch herself before she hit the ground, and ignored the crying pony. Stupid earth pony, crying just because she doesn't have magic to get off the roof. What a baby! That pony should consider themselves lucky that Rarity didn't give her a generous beating. She is the element of generosity after all.
Now that she was on the ground, Sweetie Bell ran up and joined her as she ran towards the ocean sound.
"Where are we going now?" Asked Sweetie Bell.
"We're following the sound of the ocean, can't you hear it?"
Sweetie Bell cocked her head to the side and moved her ears around while they ran to try and detect the noise her sister was talking about. "I don't hear anything."
"Hmm, that's strange. I wonder why you can't hear it, perhaps we'll find out once we find the source of the noise."
They continued to run for a few minutes until the sound of the ocean seemed deafeningly loud to Rarity. Sweetie Bell still couldn't hear it for some reason. Eventually they got to an old warehouse by the edge of the town and Rarity was certain that this was where the sound was coming from. Her ears were starting to hurt from the noise, so she didn't even bother trying to sneak into the building. Instead, she simply rammed through the door with her side kick close behind.
"Who's in here?!" She yelled. The ocean sound was coming from in here for sure. She ran into the warehouse and past several stacks of boxes until she came to a part of the warehouse that was actually lit. There was one ceiling light turned on that cast a circle of light on the ground. As she got close she noticed something in the center of the light. It looked like a conch shell. Then the ocean sound abruptly stopped.
"Foolish fools, I will kill you all!"
Rarity jumped at the sudden voice and looked around but she couldn't see anypony else in there. "Tell me you at least heard that."
Sweetie Bell just shook her head 'no'. "I didn't hear anything."
Now this was just getting weird, why was she the only one hearing this? With nothing else to do, she walked up to examine the shell. It looked strange, mainly that it was a grayish black color instead of white like most conches and it was covered in spikes.
"You shouldn't have come here, now you will die mortals!"
"What, who are?!" Rarity couldn't be sure, but it seemed like the conch shell was the one talking to her.
"Who I am is not important, now enjoy your moosey fate!"
Rarity was about to ask what it meant by that when her head started hurting really bad. It felt kind of like her brain was being converted into lemonade inside of her skull. She grunted and fell to the ground clutching her head.
"Holy head lemonade Batmare! Are you alright?!" Asked Sweetie Bell. After not getting an answer from her, she decided that no, she was not alright. It wasn't hard to deduce that it was the conch shell doing this since it was the only thing in the area. So she did the only thing that she could, she ran up and kicked the shell.
POW!
The conch flew a few feet back from the blow and rolled a bit on the ground.
"If I wasn't a conch shell that would probably really hurt. Now you will die too foolish mortal!" After a few seconds, nothing happened. Sweetie Bell wasn't dying a lemonadey death for some reason. "Blagh! Why won't you die?!"
Sweetie Bell just walked up and started slapping the conch shell around again. She wasn't sure what was going on, but kicking the conch seemed like the right thing to do.
BAM!
KAPOW!
WIZZAM!
At this point the demonic conch was pretty confused as to why his mind attacks weren't working on this one. "Perhaps I have underestimated you, pony. You win this round, but I'll be back! Ahahahaha!" Then, suddenly, a stream of lemonade ejected from the bottom of the conch and it was projected up, off the ground, and through a nearby window where it flew away into the forest.
It looks like Sweetie Bell is victory once again! She /flex'd her arm as her epeen became larger. She had no idea what happened, but she won somehow. Jokes on demonic conch, she couldn't even hear what he was saying. She then turned to Rarity who was lying on the ground twitching and foaming from the mouth.
"Yay sis, we win!" There was no response from Rarity as she continued to spasm on the ground. "I wonder if I got a cutie mark for punching conches or something! Better get home to check." With that said, she grabbed onto Rarity's cape with her teeth and started dragging her through the dirt towards their house. Normally Rarity would be very angry at being dragged through the dirt, but right now she was too busy suffering some kind of lemonade induced brain damage.
Sweetie Bell wasn't affected by the demonic conch because she's a robot. Duh, isn't it obvious?
This chapter took a while to type, mainly because I've been typing another story that I thought of. Don't worry, that one is only going to be like 1-2 chapters long at most, so I'll keep typing this still. Anyways, it's like 5000 words at the moment.
I don't know what compelled me to type a chapter about Rarity...
Alright, now that this is done, I can finally go to sleep.
Paul quits his job (and eats bacon)
Authors note: I don't even know why I bother putting in 'authors notes' half the time. I usually don't have anything important to say and it's not like anyone cares to start with. With that said, I'm going to continue typing them because I can.
It was late at night and Paul was back in his special spot in the Everfree forest where he was able to work in private on his special thing. Of course you don't get to find out what it is, not just yet. Thankfully, he was nearly done with it, and he'd probably be done in an hour or two at most.
Making things is easy, at least for Paul. Then again, everything is easy for Paul. He was also in a good mood because he wouldn't have to work anymore. Perhaps he should tell Applejack that he quit. Paul decided that that could wait till he was finished with his project.
Several hours passed and he finally finished. At least, mostly. There was one more thing he needed to do before his creation was complete, and he'd have to go back to Ponyville first. That could wait though, first he needed breakfast.
He knew exactly what he was going to have, and thankfully it was still dark. The walk back to Ponyville didn't take long and soon he was walking through the dark, empty streets towards the orchard. Well, the streets were mostly empty. He did see a small pony completely covered in a black outfit dragging a larger pony in a similar outfit through the street. He didn't think much about that though, he had important things to do.
As he got to the barn where Applejack keeps her animals, Paul started to think of ways that he could tell Applejack that he quit. It wasn't hard for him to come up with a good idea and soon he was searching the top level of the barn for paint. Thankfully, the cows were asleep, he hated the way they molested him with their eyes. Sure enough, there were several cans of paint being kept there and he found an already opened can of green stuff.
After also finding a brush, he went outside and started painting on the side of the big red barn in large letters.
I QUIT 8===========D
There, that should get his point across. Protip: green and red are complimentary colors. The more you know. Now that that was done, Paul could get down to the real business. Breakfast!
He walked over to the pig pin and opened it quietly, careful not to wake the big porkers. Once he was successfully inside, he selected a big old mama pig sleeping contently in a corner with a group of tiny baby pigs. Paul couldn't help but notice how peaceful and happy it looked. So, he grabbed its head and in one motion snapped its neck. Content with his kill, Paul hauled the several-hundred-pound pig onto his shoulder and walked outside. Thankfully, he's extremely sneaky, he didn't even wake any of the other pigs.
His next destination was back into the Everfree forest so he could cook this sucker up. He walked a little ways in with the pig on his shoulder before he found a nice spot and made a fire pit. Once that was done he expertly gutted the pig corpse and removed all the muscle. He just chucked the rest of the body behind a tree, some lucky animal was gonna' be sooo happy. Now that that was done, he sliced the meat into long, thin pieces with his claws and laid them against a nearby rock.
Thankfully, he was smart enough to bring a skillet and some salt with him before he came out there and soon he was cooking the bacon to perfection. A nice crispy brown, the way bacon is supposed to be made! He sat alone cooking and devouring the dead pig for a little while before the smell started to attract visitors. And by visitors I mean a manticore. It was fine though, this was the same manticore from last night and they were cool.
"What's up bud, want some bacon?"
The manticore just came up and gave him a bro fist before sitting down and devouring a few pieces of the delicious, crispy substance. Next came the necromancer and Stephen.
"Oh hey." Waved Paul.
"What smells so good?"
"Just cooking bacon, you guys want some?"
The necromancer shrugged and seemed to be thinking about it while Stephen stayed indifferent, like always. "Sure, I guess now that I'm undead I can eat meat."
"I've been meaning to ask you about that. How did you revive yourself anyways?"
The necromancer pony chewed on a piece of bacon for a few seconds before answering. "This is good. Anyways, it just kinda' happened on it's own. I didn't do anything."
"Is it weird being a lich?"
"Not really, it's literally exactly the same as when I was alive. I still have to eat and sleep and stuff."
"That's cool I guess."
They stayed there for about an hour and talked until all the bacon was gone and Paul decided that he had to leave. "Alright guys, I have things to do. By the way, there's a pig carcass behind that tree over there if anyone wants it." The manticore seemed interested and walked over to where Paul had pointed.
"Thanks for the bacon bro."
"No problem necromancer guy, cooking is easy." He then set off again for Ponyville, the sun had been up for a while now. He carefully avoided going anywhere near the apple farm while walking to the library to collect some things. No doubt, Applejack had already seen what he wrote on her barn and was pretty mad. She might also be mad about the missing pig, but Paul decided she wouldn't care because they don't need the pigs.
Once he got back to the library he was surprised to see Twilight already awake inside. She looked pretty tired, but shook herself awake once he entered the building.
"Hey Twilight, you're up early."
"Well, I was sleeping fine until Applejack came barging through the door looking for you!"
"Oh really? What did she want?" Paul feigned confusion. He knew exactly why she had done it.
"I don't know, she was yelling something about how she was gonna' 'hogtie you and throw you in a river'. She seemed pretty mad."
Paul just shrugged. "I can't imagine why, I guess that means I'm fired. Oh well." He tried to play it off cool while walking into the kitchen.
"What do you think you're doing? You can't just come in here in the morning and raid my fridge and then leave. Last time you ate all the eggs and fruit and I had to go buy more."
"Woah, calm your fluffy little nuts Twilight, I already ate this morning. Besides, it's not my fault you bought food, you have plenty of stuff in the cupboard. You don't NEED eggs and fruit."
"It IS your fault because you ate them all!"
"I'm not going to apologize for you being too picky to eat what's in the cupboard. If anything you should apologize to me for blaming everything on me."
"I SHOULD APOLOGIZE TO YOU?!" Twilight looked mad now. "YOU COME INTO MY HOUSE EVERYDAY, EAT MY FOOD, AND YOU WANT ME TO APOLOGIZE?!"
Paul remained chill. "I don't care what you do. Of course you did invite me into your house. I could have gone somewhere else. I suppose I figured that as your guest you would be generous enough to allow me to have food. I guess I was wrong."
Twilight gritted her teeth, there was no arguing with Paul. "Alright, well if you don't want food, then what are you doing in my fridge?"
"I have to get my stuff outa the freezer, duh." Paul acted like it was the most obvious thing in the world.
"What are you possibly going to do with a frozen fish?"
"Well, I don't that's any of your business, now is it?"
"I think it is my business because you've been keeping it in my freezer!"
"Wait, so just because it was on your property you somehow own it or something? So just because Spike lives here do you think you own him too?!"
"What! Now you're just being ridiculous! And stop trying to change the subject, I want to know what you're doing!"
"Fine, if you must know. I'm going to go give this fish a proper burial." That was a lie, but she doesn't need to know.
Of course, now she just looked confuses. "Why? It's just a fish."
"JUST A FISH!? Well you're just a pony. I suppose you think that anything that's not a pony doesn't deserve a burial." Like always, he was making her look like the bad guy.
"Pretty much. Only unicorns deserve to be buried, everything else can rot for all I care!" Ok, she made herself look like the bad guy on her own this time...
"Well, that's just like, your opinion man." Paul wasn't entirely sure how to counter that argument so he just started walking towards the door. Twilight didn't even try to stop him as he made his way outside with the ice chest. She didn't want to stop him because she was going to follow him!
"He will die by my hoof." She whispered to herself as she donned a black cloak and trotted outside. "I swear it!"
Oh snap, dramatic cliffhanger!
This chapters pretty short but what-evs, I just typed this right now because for some reason after getting 3 hours of sleep last night I can't fall asleep again. Like Paul always says, 'sleep is for idiot heads!'
On a side note, the title for this chapter is probably the most descriptive one so far. You don't even have to read this chapter, the title sums the whole thing up nicely.
Paul dies (and Rarity counts to potato)
Authors note: I was playing halo with some of my friends earlier, and they picked up two big machine gun turrets and stood on top of my mangoose (while one had a sniper on the back) and we drove around really slowly killing people like that. I only tell you this story because I had no idea what to type about in this 'authors note' and it was fucking hilarious.
Twilight followed Paul into the forest for a little ways before she finally lost him. She underestimated how fast he was, and it was hard trying to follow someone from a distance in the woods.
"Gagh, this is so frustrating!" All that she wanted in life is for Paul to die, is that so much to ask for? Now he had gotten away. She wasn't going to give up that easy, though. She was still going to (pause for dramatic effect) kill Paul !
Meanwhile, Paul was walking through the forest, blissfully unaware of the pony that wanted him dead. That wouldn't matter to him anyways, nothing could ruin this moment. He was so happy! He walked into the small clearing where he kept the project he was working on and set down the ice chest. It was time to bring Steve back to life!
That's right, over the past few days he had been constructing a new robot body for Steve, the fish. Apparently things can only be revived in a body once, so he has to transfer Steve's soul into a new body. Thankfully the necromancer showed him exactly how to do it, so it wouldn't be any problem.
It really wasn't too hard to do, Paul was surprised that more ponies didn't pick up necromancy. It might have something to do with the fact that it's illegal, but Paul doesn't give a shit about the rules.
He took Steve's corpse out of the ice chest and placed it next to the robot and drew a little circle on the ground with some chalk. He then drew some random shapes around the circle that the necromancer had shown him. They are runes or something like that. Now all he had to do was channel some 'magic' into the circle and it was done. Of course he replaced magic with economic energon, same thing. He sat there for a few seconds doing the 'spell' until he was satisfied that it was probably done. There wasn't really any way to tell, and Steve wouldn't revive instantly. The longer something has been dead the longer it takes to revive it, so it would probably take at least a full day.
Now satisfied that he had not only finished his project, but also hopefully revived his only friend, Paul decided to head back to Ponyville. Maybe he could get some food with his leftover money.
Meanwhile, not very far away, Twilight was trying to track down Paul. She was literally having no luck as she had no idea how to track anything. She was just kinda' walking in the general direction she thought that he had gone in. Then she stopped as she heard the sound of bushes being rustled a little ways off. She crouched down into the foliage and looked for what had made the noise. Good thing she's purple, that doesn't stand out at all in the forest (sarcasm).
Then, she saw none other than the sex raptor she was looking for walking a little ways off. He was whistling and had a bounce to his step. He seemed happy about something, but she was going to fix that. Now wielding a huge mischievous grin, Twilight set her plan in motion. 'What is her plan?' you ask, it's simple. Kill the batman... I mean Paul.
She simply waited till he was close enough before she picked up a big rock that was laying nearby in her magic and rammed it into the back of his head as hard as she could. There was a loud cracking sound as the rock impacted his skull and he fell to the ground. Twilight stood there shocked for a few seconds. She did it, she just killed him... He was finally dead and he'll never annoy her again. She started to laugh and dance around in circles until she heard some groaning coming from Paul. She looked over and saw him laying there clutching his head.
"Ouch, fuck! My head!"
She just stared at him for a few seconds while her eye twitched, that rock should have easily killed him. No matter, she would simply have to finish the job. She once again picked up the rock and slapped him in the head with it again. Then again and again and again. She started laughing as she struck his head repeatedly with the rock. A few minutes later she finally stopped when she noticed that the rock was coated in blood. There's no way he survived that!
At this point, she just couldn't stop giggling. She was like a school filly again. She didn't care though, this was the happiest moment of her life, even more so than when she was accepted as Celestia's apprentice or when she met all her friends.
Several hours passed and she was finally able to control her giggling for a while. She would need to dispose of the body. It was likely that no one would even look for it, but it was better to be safe. She dragged the corpse a little ways away and then used her magic to dig a hole. It was only a few feet deep, but it was good enough. She then unceremoniously dropped the body in before covering it in dirt.
Now that that was done, she felt like she should celebrate this victory. Perhaps she could go spend some time with her friends in Ponyville. She hasn't seen them much lately because she's been obsessing over killing Paul.
Twilight skipped all the way back to town. She wasn't afraid of the Everfree forest anymore, she learned a while ago that she could just maim any creature she sees with magic. Once she was back at town, she decided to visit Rarity's Boutique first, mainly because it's closest.
She walked up to the door of the large white building and clopped her hoof against it loudly while yelling, "Rarity, get your fat flank out here!"
After a few moments the door opened, but instead of being confronted by the fashion pony like she expected, she was met by Sweetie bell.
"Oh, hi there Twilight. What are you here for?"
"Hey there... Ugh... Small Rarity." She's not very good with names. "Is adult Rarity home right now?"
Small Rarity (Sweetie Bell) bit her lip a bit and looked around before answering. "She is, but she's feeling pretty sick."
"Well great, I'm like the best friend ever. In fact, I have like a black belt in friendship. I'll come cheer her up, Rarity loves my jokes."
"Well she's not really awake right now."
"Then wake that fat whore up, she'll be happy to see me."
"Umm, that's the problem. I can't."
"You can't wake her up?"
"Ummmm yeah..."
"Care to elaborate?"
"Well I've tried poking her and calling her name and pouring water on her and everything, but she just keeps sleeping."
Twilight was kind of shocked, it was starting to sound like Rarity was dead. So she had to ask, "Is she dead?"
"What?! No, she's still breathing and stuff."
"Alright, I'm gonna' go see her for myself." Twilight pushed past the small version of Rarity and walked into the main room of the boutique where Rarity was laying on a couch in a pool of her own vomit. She walked up and started poking Rarity's prone form with a horn and sure enough, she wasn't waking up. "What happened?"
"Well..." Sweetie Bell didn't want to reveal that Rarity had gotten hurt while they were out fighting crime, it was kinda' a secret after all, so she made something up. "She tripped and fell down the stairs. She must have hit her head."
"Probably, it looks like she's in a head trauma induced comma. Must have hit her head pretty hard. So she hasn't woken up at all since last night?"
"She woke up for a few minutes several hours ago..."
"Well what did she do when she woke up?"
"Not much, she just counted to potato."
Twilight smiled, this was good news. "Good, if she was smart enough to count to potato than she must not have hurt her brain too badly. I have no doubt that, given time, her brain will make a full recovery. Luckily she has a friend as good as me to come over and diagnose her. Just tell her when she wakes up that I'd appreciate some kind of compensation for all my hard work. And by that I mean cash. Just leave her alone and she'll undoubtably be fine." After saying that she walked out of the building. I'm like, the best friend ever.
Her next stop was sugar cube corner to see Pinkie Pie, once again because it's the closest place. Then she could see Rainbow Dash and Applejack and... Who was her other friend again? Whatever, that's not important.
She walked into sugar cube corner and saw Pinkie working the cash register. Thankfully there didn't seem to be any other ponies around that needed food at the moment.
"Hey Twilight!"
"Hey Pinkie Pie, how's it goin' all up in here?"
"Pshh, it's pretty boring. No ponies are coming in right now. But now that you're here we can have fun!"
"Yep. That's why I'm here. To have fun, because I'm such a good friend."
"I'll say! By the way, have you seen Paul around at all? I haven't seen him in days and I thought that maybe you would know where he went because he lives with you."
She almost wanted to say something about how he no longer 'lives' anywhere, but she thought better of it. No, it would be better if Pinkie Pie didn't know what she did. "Uh, um. No, I have absolutely no idea where he could be. Nope, not the slightest idea!" Good thing Twilight is really good at lying.
Pinkie Pie didn't respond right away though, instead she narrowed her eyes and moved in closer. "Are you sure you don't know where he is?"
It sounded almost like Pinkie knew something, but surely she hadn't seen through Twilight's lies. "No, of course not. I wouldn't know anything about where he is." She gulped and started to sweet a little bit as Pinkie edged closer.
"Oh really...?" She moved her head extremely close to Twilight's and stared right into her eyes. She was sweeting profusely now. "Then what were you doing following him into the forest this morning?"
Twilight's eyes widened and she tried to break eye contact with Pinkie. "Oh that, it was just a, umm. It was a walk... Through the forest. Yeah that's it! And I certainly didn't see Paul while I was out there. Well, would you look at the time?!" Twilight made a gesture as though she was looking at her watch (even though she wasn't wearing a watch) before turning and sprinting out the door.
Pinkie just sat there before whispering to herself. "I'm on to you Twilight..."
Twilight kept running until she got back to her library. "That was close, it's almost like Pinkie Pie knew something." It looks like she wouldn't be visiting her other friends today. Oh well.
"Hey Twilight." Said Spike as he entered the main room.
"Hi Spike, no visitors for the rest of the day. I'm going up stairs."
Before he could ask 'why?' she had trotted up the stairs to the bedroom. She was able to finally calm herself now. Pinkie would never find out what happened, no pony would. She looked over to a sheet of paper on her desk and realized that she hadn't written a friendship report in a long time.
Dear Princess Celestia,
Today my friend, Rarity, suffered a severe head injury. I was pretty worried for a while that she wouldn't be ok, but after talking to her sister, I found out that Rarity had awoken at some point and counted all the way to potato. I realized at that point that she would be perfectly fine. and that my worries were for nothing. I learned that head injuries happen and they are just a natural part of growing up. It may be hard to see your friends twitching in a puddle of their own vomit, but in the end, you need to have hope that they can deal with it on their own.
Sincerely,
Your faithful student
Twilight Sparkle
PS: I started to bleed out of my no no zone yesterday, is this normal?
I really wanted to call this chapter, 'Rarity counts to potato'. So I did... Kinda'.
Oh man, Paul died?! What now?!?!?! Will Twilight Sparkle be the new main character? Will Rarity heal from her grievous head wounds? Will I learn how to type better?
You'll just have to wait and find out, now won't you?
Author's note: Hehe, haven't updated this in like two weeks. If you haven't figured it out I've been typing my other story (Halo man in Equestria: Humping is Magic). I'm mostly done with that though so I'll be getting back to this. If you haven't read it, you should. I think it's pretty cool at least.
Also, I'm going to change this so it's in Paul's first person perspective instead of being third person most of the time. I learned that it's not only a lot easier to type like that, but it allows me to add more depth to the character. Rofl, like I give a shit about my characters!? Anyways, without further adieu, here's some SHIIIIT!
I woke up. Yes I know what you're thinking, 'hey Paul, stop telling us useless crap and get to the interesting stuff'. Well you can just go kill yourself, you know that? I mean, you can. Please don't though. Anyways, just give me some time here, it's only been five sentences. Half of those weren't even good sentences!
Anyways, as I was saying before I went off on that short rant, I woke up. Now, don't get me wrong. Waking up is cool and all, but this time it really sucked.
Not following? Allow me to elaborate. I woke up, underground. Now I don't know if any of you have ever woken up under a layer of dirt, but I'm going to assume that you haven't. If you have then congratulations, you're probably an earth worm or something. I, however, am not an earthworm as you know very well at this point, and as a 'not earthworm' I'm not used to waking up in such a fashion.
Now, before you judge me I'd like to say that I'm not ashamed of what I did next. In fact, I feel that my reaction was the appropriate one in this situation. I panicked. I flailed my arms around wildly and I would have probably screamed all kinds of profanities if it weren't for the dirt tightly packed into my mouth. A little known fact, it's hard to yell with something in your mouth.
Get your mind out of the gutters. I may be a sex raptor, but I'm not THAT kind of sex raptor. Now then, I need to stop getting off track, but it's hard to focus when the earth is trying to make you its bitch. At least there's one thing that I can be thankful for, however. Apparently, I was only a little ways underground. By a little ways, I mean like a foot or two.
That little fact was a life saver since the only reason I managed to escape my earthy prison is that, while flailing my arms, I found open air. In case you don't know, or you lack any mental fortitude whatsoever, air has a distinctly different texture than solid ground. I don't think I need to explain that difference since I'm sure that you have all felt both air and the ground in your lives. If you haven't, then I'm very sorry for you.
Now, with my recently acquired knowledge on which direction is 'up', I pulled myself out of the ground. I imagine that anyone in the area would have probably freaked out at the sight of me suddenly unburrowing, but there was no one around so I can't confirm that. Once I was back in the sweet embrace of open air, I spat out my mouthful of dirt and took several deep breaths.
"Oh, delicious air. I'll never take you for granted again!" It was an empty promise, I'll probably forget all about how air is constantly keeping me alive within a few hours. I looked back at the ground that I was recently buried in. I really don't remember how I could have possibly gotten there... Really, I was just walking through the forest when suddenly...
I don't really know what happened. Maybe I tripped? And perhaps I hit the ground so hard that I managed to bury myself? Sadly, that's the best hypothesis I could come up with at the moment as my head suddenly started to hurt badly. It really wouldn't be the first time something extremely weird like that has happened...
Now then, back to the horrible, pulsing, head-splitting, headache that I find myself with. "Gah! That smarts!" I reached up and clutched my head with both claws trying to somehow push the pain away. Needless to say, it didn't work. Turns out that smashing your head into the ground so hard that you manage to bury yourself several feet under really hurts. I'm actually slightly surprised that I don't have some sort of brain damage. Or maybe I do, perhaps the pain in my head is from internal bleeding in my brain?
Huh, that's gonna' be hard to fix since I don't have any medical insurance. Then again, I'm not sure if that's how it works here. For all I know, they have free health care, like space Canada. Perhaps I should learn more about that later.
Looking back down at the hole I had emerged from I was very thankful that I hadn't somehow fallen deeper into the ground. I would have never been able to find my way out. Then I would have been stuck down there for like thirty hours till I suffocated. Yeah, I can hold my breath for pretty long. Sex raptors have excellent lungs. But don't take my word for it, go look it up on google or something.
Of course, I never get any time to just sit and think. Suddenly the pain in my head returned with a vengeance. "Egads! It feels like an army of tiny cats are having a nuclear war in my head!" I can only imagine that tiny nuclear war heads would hurt pretty badly if they went off on your brain. Now, once again clutching my head, I noticed several long gashes between my forehead and the top of my skull. Pulling my claws back revealed that they were now covered in dry blood.
Looks like internal bleeding isn't all I need to be worried about. No doubt with head wounds like that I'd lost quite a bit of blood while I was unconscious. Now that I think about it, I am feeling pretty woozy. At least the wounds scabbed over... Unfortunately, I'll probably need a tiny shovel to remove all the dirt that got inside the cuts. But that was future me's problem.
Well today sucks, I just woke up and I already feel like shit. It must be monday. At least I was able to pull my attention from my horribly wounded head for long enough to see that the sun was going down over the horizon. Perhaps I should get back to the library and take a nap. I know, sleep is for idiot heads, but at the moment I'd rather be an idiot head than have this kind of pain in my head. I'm pretty sure sleeping is pretty good for you when you receive a major injury, but I might be wrong about that.
Now, with my new quest, I shambled back towards Ponyville. Yeah, I shambled. I'm not gonna' lie to you, the mixture of extreme blood loss and thought debilitating pain in my head really made it hard to walk properly. I just hope that my head isn't horribly misshapen after my little accident. My beauty is all I have! You know, aside from extreme fighting skills, the ability to use economic energon, and my above par intellect.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm pretty much the best ever. No big deal! Not to brag or anything...
The trip through the forest took a long time. At least, it seemed like a long time. It really wasn't easy to keep track, but it was dark once I got to Ponyville so I assume it was at least an hour. I then wandered through the empty cobblestone streets in the dark trying to remember where the library is.
*************
Spike was sweeping up the library like he always does before we go to sleep while I sat on the couch and read. If he doesn't get rid of all the dust and dirt how am I supposed to sleep? I can't sleep while knowing that there is dirt on the floor in my library! No need to worry about that, though. Today was supposed to be special.
First, I offed that stupid sex raptor. Honestly, that's probably the greatest accomplishment in my life. I'm actually kinda' glad that he came to town, otherwise I wouldn't have gotten to murder him. Then again, it's not murder if he doesn't have a soul. Only ponies have a sole... Next I got to see some of my friends. Admittedly, seeing my friends wasn't that special. Rarity was rendered brain dead by the trauma she endured while falling down the stairs. Worse yet, Pinkie Pie seemed to suspect something.
No, that's probably just my nerves playing tricks on me. She'll never suspect a thing, none of them will. I'm simply too good at lying. Then, I even got to write the princess a friendship report. I've gotten pretty behind on those, so I'm sure she was happy to receive that. Of course, she's always so busy, I wonder if she even had time to read it. Whatever, there's nothing I can do about that so no reason to worry about it.
I looked back at my book and continued reading. It was a saucy romance novel I borrowed from Rarity. I'm not really into this kind of book, but I've already read everything in the library. Besides, Rarity insisted that it was good. It was about Sir Pudding Wiggles and his quest to seduce princess Stink Sack.
Then Sir Pudding Wiggles slapped a dozen wet rubber bands against her flank and groaned. "These rubber bands aren't the only things that are going to be wet once I'm finished." He then pulled a water balloon filled with melted cheese from a nearby table and jiggled it around in one hoof.
"Oh Wiggles, you're so naughty!" Said princess Stink Sack as she batted her eyes towards her boy toy. "Rub that cheese all over my horn!"
Sir Pudding Wiggles smiled and brought the cheese balloon to her horn. "Don't mind if I do." He then popped it on her head and drenched her mane in delicious orange liquid. Then he picked up a rolled up news paper from the table and wiped up as much cheese as he could before he wiped it off on her horn.
"That's the spot! Cheese harder!" But Sir Pudding Wiggles still had a few other tricks up his sleeve. He walked into the other room and soon came back with a dozen adorable baby bunnies.
"I have the bunnies!" Exclaimed Sir Pudding Wiggles as he slapped the princess with their bodies until they became limp. By now, she had some large bruises.
"Yes! Now Nidus my main!" Sir Pudding Wiggles then built a nidus network an-
What the hay is this? Is this what pony mating rituals are like? I really don't have much experience with that sort of thing, but I don't think that that's how it works. Now that I think of it, how do ponies mate?
Step 1: Two ponies
Step 2: ????
Step 3: Babies
Hmmm. First there's two ponies, then there's three ponies. You can't explain that. Perhaps Celestia knows how that works. I'll have to send her a letter asking about it some time.
I was about to go back to reading until I heard a loud bump outside the library. Probably just a ruh-coon (That's how I pronounce raccoon. Don't judge me). There's always ruh-coons hanging out around the library at night since it's a big tree and such. Annoying little vermin. If I leave the windows open at night they come in and then they can't figure out how to escape.
I've found no less than three drowned ruh-coons in the toilet in the morning. I guess they panic at being stuck inside and either try to escape through the pipes or they just kill themselves to avoid whatever fate I'd have in store for them. A wise move, I've heard that death by magic overexposure is very painful.
Then there was another loud banging against the library wall next to the door. Ok, that's too loud to be a ruh-coon. I think Spike realized that too because he stopped sweeping and began looking around. Perhaps it was Owlicious trying to get inside. I haven't seen him in days! Then again, Owlicious knows that he just has to go near a window and I'll open it.
I looked over to Spike. "Why aren't you sweeping?!"
He suddenly stood up straight and a bead of sweat could be seen on his face. "Sorry princess Twilight, it won't happen again!" He then started sweeping even quicker than before, as if to make up for lost time.
I insist that he calls me princess when we're alone. I'll be a princess some day, so he might as well get used to calling me one. Of course, if he does it in public ponies will think I'm weird. Then there was another bang on the wall.
"Gah!" I shouted while throwing my book against the table. Doesn't whatever is making that noise know that it's extremely rude to make all kinds of noise like that at this late of an hour? I then got up off the couch so that I could go and show whatever was outside the true meaning of pain. I only took about two steps before the door suddenly swung open.
What I saw was the last thing I think I wanted to see at the moment. Standing in the doorway was none other than Paul. Of course he was all covered in dirt and blood and he looked slightly dazed. "Raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaghh brains!"
I was petrified in fear at that moment. All I could think of is how Paul was now here to enact his revenge. Then Spike shouted something.
"ZAAAAAAAAAMBIE!" Thankfully this was enough to snap me out of my sudden fear, at least enough to trigger my flight instinct. Needless to say, I got the buck out of there. I turned and sprinted up the stairs, trampling Spike as he had a similar idea. Oh well, only the strong survive. It's not my fault he's slow. Hopefully Paul is so preoccupied with eating Spike's brains that he forgets about me for long enough to make my daring escape.
Sure, Spike would be missed, but his death would be for a noble cause. Allowing a more important creature to live. Dragons don't have souls like ponies do, so his life isn't worth as much.
I then ran into my room at the top of the stairs. Spike ran in right behind me, apparently he had failed at his one purpose in life. Being a sacrifice... Oh well, no time to worry about that right now. I then used my magic to shut the door and drag all the furniture of the room in front of it. There, that would surely keep him out!
Now I just need some help. I'll just write Celestia like I planned, she'll surely send aid. I grabbed a piece of paper off of the desk that was now pushed up against the door and began writing.
Dear Princess Celestia,
Ponyville is under attack by some kind of dragon monster. He's extremely dangerous and I suspect that he's involved in a lot of the crime around town recently. Thankfully, I was able to trap him in the library temporarily, but some help would be very appreciated.
Your faithful student,
Twilight Sparkle
PS: Where do babies come from?
There, that letter would work fine for now. "Spike, send this to Celestia!"
He then burninated the paper and the green smoke flew off through the ceiling. At least dragon mail is fast. Unfortunately, Celestia will probably be asleep by now, so she won't see my letter till tomorrow morning. Looks like I'll just have to hold up here and wait for her to send guards.
Putting an ear to the wall I couldn't hear any noise coming from downstairs. Perhaps he left. Maybe I should go down and check. Wait, no! That's a terrible idea! That's probably exactly what he wants! No, I'll wait here...
Now then, why is he alive?! Is he a zombie or something? I could have sworn I killed him! Then I remembered my friendship report from earlier. "Oh no..." I muttered. "Head wounds are a natural part of growing up... I didn't kill him, I only made him stronger!" This seemed like sound logic at the time.
*************
After wandering around for a while, I finally found the library. Of course, by now I felt like I was going to pass out at any moment. Perhaps I lost even more blood than I thought. My vision was swimming as I felt up to the wall of the big tree. I hit it a little harder than I meant to. Now I just needed to find the door. After feeling around a bit I finally found the door and pushed it open.
I took a step in and saw several shocked purple ponies. No, it was just one, my head was just fucked up right now... "Excuse me dear Twilight, but I believe that I injured my head somehow. I would greatly appreciate some type of medical assistance. For the moment, though, I'm going to go lie down. I feel like a gorilla just punched me in the brains!"
At least, that's what I was hoping to say. It probably came out as more of a gurgled moaning noise, but I think Twilight got the idea as her and Spike ran up the stairs. No doubt to get help... What nice roommates I have. I'm really lucky to have them. Whatever, time to sleep.
I managed to walk over to my mattress that I was using as a bed while I stayed here before collapsing. It took all of three seconds before I was in a deep, blood loss induced sleep.
So yeah. This chapter switches perspective a few times, but I think it's pretty obvious who it's talking about. Personally, I think that the first person worked nicely in this chapter.
Hopefully you didn't think Paul was going to stay dead... I'm not going to kill off the main character... Or am I?
Lolz, I hope you guys liked the mini clop fic about Sir Pudding Wiggles. I felt really awkward while typing that...
Paul enjoys a pleasant day outside
I awake on my mattress as the morning sunlight hits my face. Well, it's not really morning sunlight... Looking over at the clock on the wall it's already well past noon. It's ok, I had nothing better to do today than sleep in. I stand up off of my make shift bed and stretch as I manage to pop my back an abnormal amount of times. I'm fairly sure I popped more vertebrae than I even have. Oh well, that's of little importance.
The next thing I notice, after the time, is that my head doesn't hurt like fuck any more. Thank Ethesto that I heal extremely fast due to the whole 'sex raptor with epic economy powers' thing. It's pretty cool.
I take a deep whiff of the fresh air and smile contently. Todays gonna' be a great day, I can just feel it. I walk over to the window and take a look around. Sure enough, everything is beautiful. The sun is high in the sky shining bright as ever, the birds are chirping happily in their nests, and there's even a ton of armored ponies in the streets. Their golden armor looks pretty nice as it reflects the sunlight. I wonder if that's real gold, if it is I'll have to... Acquire some... Somehow...
I grin as I walk to the door to the library, nothing could possibly ruin such a beautiful day. I open the door with a huge smile on my face and skip outside. Oh look, the armored ponies are coming over to say hi.
Within seconds a group of at least twenty of the armored ponies made a half circle around me with my back facing towards the library. They look determined for some reason and I can only imagine that they are here to congratulate me on healing so soon or try to become my friends. "Hello." I say as I wave one claw at them.
The ponies all seem to tense up as soon as I speak and one pony walks forward from the crowd. I'm going to guess that this one is a boy because it, or he, is bigger than most ponies I've seen. From what I've learned so far, usually the boy ponies have a stockier build. "Halt, you've violated the law! Come with us peacefully or we'll have to take you by force."
Hmmm, that's a weird way to try to make friends. Perhaps these guys are just socially awkward or something. I guess I'll play along, I just feel really good today for some reason. "Heh, I guess I'll come with you guys. Where do you live?"
The armored ponies all share glances with each other before the one from before talked again. "Canterlot. You're under arrest!"
Woah wait a second here... My mind is just now starting to catch up with what's going on. They're not here to be my friends at all, they're here to be dicks and try to put me in jail! Will I'm not going to jail... Not again... Then again, jail isn't that bad. So long as you control the soap, you control the world. Alright, I should have guessed earlier that they are wearing armor because they are some kind of police force. Then I get this really funny mental image of a bunch of little colorful ponies trying to fight me... I can't help it, I start to giggle to myself.
"What's so funny?!" Yells the police guy, who I assume is their leader based on his fancy purple armor and the fact that he's the one talking.
Oh, if only they knew how silly they were for trying to fight someone as skilled as me. And no, I'm not egotistical because it's true. I'm the best. "What sick man sends babies to fight me?"
The guards all growled when I called them babies which only made me giggle harder. "Surrender and come with us now or we'll use force to bring you in!"
"There's this old saying, I believe it was Optimus Prime who said it. It goes a little something like this." I cleared my throat before continuing. "You'll never take me alive coppers!"
It looked like the ponies were about to charge at me when Twilight steps up next to the police pony captain. "Paul, you better go now, or else!"
She looked really mad for some reason, but I was more focused on the horrible stabbing sensation in my heart. I thought she was my friend. How could she do this to me?! "Et tu Twilight?"
I don't think she got the reference, but she seemed to understand the gist of what I meant. "You'll pay for your crimes Paul!" She yells before getting a smug look on her face. She's soon backed up by a very angry looking Rainbow Dash, Applejack, and... Umm... Flutty something... The yellow one. Rarity was also there, but she was sitting in a wheel chair and looked like she was too busy staring off into space and drooling on herself to be mad at me.
Stupid ponies... I thought they were my friends. I guess these ponies don't know anything about being good friends because trying to get someone arrested is something a bad friend does. "Everybody betrayed me! I fed up with this world !" I yell as I raise my claws in a defensive position. Perhaps it would be best if I didn't murder all the police ponies. I don't think anyone will be very happy with me if I do that. I guess I'll just have to settle with beating the hell out of them and potentially maiming them.
A few seconds after my outburst all of the guards start to charge at me. Thankfully ponies don't have hands to use weapons and they were all unarmed, then this fight might actually be hard.
Before the ponies could clear the ten or so feet between them and me, I jumped to my left and brought my heel down on one of the pony's heads. The hit make a loud clang as the pony collapsed from the impact. There was a small dent in the helmet, but I'm sure he'll be fine... Aside from some possible brain damage. Oh well, that's his problem now.
Within a second of my last attack I move to the next closest police pony and grab him with my claws lifting him up over my head. I spin a few times while kicking out at another nearby pony who was trying to tackle me, hitting him right in the jaw. Once I've spun a few times, I caber toss the pony at another nearby armored pony causing them both to collapse in a heap. I then duck down as a unicorn shoots a dark blue burst of magic right over my head. I then see a pegasus flying down at me at an angle. Nope.
"SHORYUKEN!" I yell as I push off the ground and upper cut the pegasus high up into the air. He flies at least ten feet above me before arcing down into a nearby building. As I land I get low and kick out with my right leg, tripping a unicorn that was trying to run at me. As he falls forward I grab one of his front legs and swing him around and slap another nearby guard with his body. I then use his body like a makeshift flail as I beat several other guards with it. He's not going to be feeling well after this...
Once I'm done with my pony weapon I toss him at another pony that's running at me. At this point ten of the police ponies are on the ground, either unconscious or groaning. I look around to see that the rest of the ponies have backed up next to Twilight and the others. "Haha, fuck da pooolice!" I cry as I wave my arms around in a impromptu victory dance.
"It's over Paul, we know your weakness!" Yelled Twilight. Foolish Twilight, what weaknesses could I possibly have? Aside from the obvious ones... Such as bullets... As I ponder this she levitates over a giant metal cage. It looks kind of like a big cat carrier, easily the size of most of the homes in Ponyville, just it's clearly made to keep something more dangerous than a house cat. Then again, if it is a giant cat I can still call it a 'house cat' because it'll be nearly the size of a house. The bars that compose the door are several inches thick and are stacked close together to assure that nothing escapes. Unfortunately, not enough light is shining inside for me to see what it's holding.
"Jokes on you, I love cats." I say nonchalantly as I wait for them to open the cage. Twilight just smirks to herself. Hey! She stole that from me! I'm the only one who's aloud to smirk!
The ponies all put ear plugs in before opening the cage. I stand there for a moment looking into the dark entrance to the cage as nothing comes out. I'm not gonna' lie, it's pretty eerie waiting for some giant monster to jump out at me. Then the three most horrifying creatures I've ever seen walk out from the shadows. Horrifyingly cute, that is. It's the three little ponies that I met the other day. What were their names? Apple something, Sweaty butt, and Chicken loo? I'm not going to lie to you, ponies have some weird ass names.
I stare at the group of small adorable creatures wondering what they were possibly going to do. Perhaps they were going to snuggle me to death. I wouldn't be surprised if that worked... Then time seemed to slow down as I remembered exactly what happened last time I met these three and Twilight turns towards them with the biggest smirk I've ever seen. I know what's about to happen, but for some reason my legs refuse to respond to my need to escape immediately. I can only watch helplessly as Twilight slowly talks to the tiny ponies.
For some reason her voice is all deep because it's in slow motion... "Paul just finished telling us a really cool story about how he got his cutie mark. You should go ask him about it, maybe he can even help you get your cutie marks!" No Twilight... What have you done? Do you not comprehend the horror that these tiny ponies wield? Once she's done talking she quickly looks back at me with an evil look on her face. I think she understands...
Then the three tiny ponies slowly turn their heads towards me in unison with big smiles on their faces. I feel a shiver run down my spine and cold sweat start to drip from my forehead as they regard me with their piercingly adorable eyes. Apparently they think I can help them get something called a 'cutie mark' which can only mean that they are going to swarm me with questions in a few seconds. I don't even know what a cutie mark is, but it sounds expensive.
They continue to stare for another second and I feel as though my soul is being molested under their gazes. Then they suddenly all run forward towards me. I will my body to move so I may escape my fate, but to no success. Once the tiny ponies get close they jump around and start yelling out random questions.
"Where's your cutie mark at?!"
"Is it the same color as your scales?!"
"I didn't know dragons got cutie marks, are you special or something?!"
"How'd you get yo-"
At that point I stopped being able to even identify what they were saying as the skin inside of my ear holes melted and poured out the sides of my head like hot wax along with a stream of blood. It started spraying out like a fountain in both directions but the three tiny ponies seemed oblivious to my pain and just kept yelling out questions. Even though I couldn't hear them, it was as though a group of angry baboons was literally fucking my brain as the sound waves traveled directly into my head unhindered by my former ear holes. I tried to scream out in pain but I'm pretty sure I just let out some gurgling noises as blood started spraying out on my throat. Thankfully my skull quickly filled with blood and I fell forward. My vision started to get cloudy, as I began losing consciousness.
With any luck I'll die or something so I never have to face those monster 'ponies' ever again...
Yeah yeah, no chapters for several days. Would you believe me if I told you I'm lazy? Of course you would, because it's the truth. Anyways, I'm pretty sure I had another joke that I was gonna' put in but now I can't remember it. I'm way too tired to even think right now... For some reason I generally only type when I'm lacking sleep for some reason, don't ask me why.
On a side note, does anyone even read the authors notes? Because if not I'm still typing them anyways... Come-come-come-come-come at me!
I felt like my titles lately have been too descriptive of the actual chapter, so I went back to my old style of titling chapters.
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Paul has violated the law (pay the court a fine or serve your sentence)
Author's note: Just wait, this story is bound to get interesting eventually...
So I woke up... Damn it on a sandwich, I need to stop starting every chapter like that! That's like three in a row! Meh, whatever. I'm sure no one will notice.
Now then, where the fuck am I? Gray stone walls? Check. Bars along one wall to assure that I can't escape? Check. Looks like a prison cell. Of course this is likely one of the shittiest prison cells I've ever been in.
First off, there's no furniture... What kind of dick just puts you in a cold stone room without even giving you a bed or toilet or something? Of course that's not the part that makes this prison suck. No, the prison sucks because I'm sure I can break out of here really easily. The walls are made out of stone bricks... Really? I can punch through harder stuff with my nut sack! Believe me, I've done it. At least they didn't do something stupid like put a window in, I could just rearrange my bones until I managed to squeeze out of it. Then again, I don't see the problem with that, perhaps I should just leave now. I should probably mention that the bars that make up the one wall and door are thin but stacked really close together so I can't stick my arms out.
I look around a bit more and see that two guards are stationed outside the door of my cell. They are wearing the same golden armor as the ponies from earlier. Perhaps they weren't police at all, but instead guards or soldiers or something. I guess if I try to leave they will probably attack me... Then again, I don't think I'll have any problem subduing two guards in a fight. THEY DON'T EVEN HAVE WEAPONS! What do they plan on doing if we get in a fight? Are they going to kick me or something?
Ok, so now how did I get here? Oh yes, the guards attacked me. Twilight was also there... I thought we were friends... I guess not. Then those horrible tiny ponies murdered my ear holes... Oh shit my ear holes! I reach up with my claws and feel my head. Thankfully my ear holes seem to have healed. That would really suck if they were melted for ever... In all honestly I'm surprised I'm even alive right now. My brain was soooo full of fuck back there, you don't even know.
Ok, so I'm probably in some jail cell in Ponyville or something. So all I have to do is bust the fuck out of here and run into the Everfree forest. That should be easy enough...
I walk up to the wall opposite the door and pull my arm back before punching it as hard as I can. Unfortunately, instead of piercing strait through the wall my fist just hits it and stops. I stand there for a few seconds while my eye starts to twitch from the intense pain in my possibly broken talons. "FfffffuuuuuuUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!" I yell out, slowly getting louder. At least i didn't try breaking it with my nut sack... That would really hurt...
"Shut the buck up!" Yelled one of the guards while I writhed in pain. I just turned to him and channeled all my anger into the back of his head with my eyes. That's it, he's dead as soon as I get my hands on him.
"Why don't you make me." I say as I walk up next to the bars. If he comes in here I'm going to rip his fucking legs off!
The guard turned and glared at me. "Just shut your mouth until the princess gets here!"
"The princess you say? Now why would she want to see little old me?"
"I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO SHUT YOUR MOUTH!"
I look back and forth for a few seconds before putting a claw next to the side of my mouth and motioning for him to come closer with my other claw as though I'm about to tell him a secret. All he does is look at me in confusion so I start to go "Psttt" and motion with my head towards the guard standing on the other side of the door minding his own business. Finally he moves in close enough for me to tell him my 'secret'. As soon as he gets close enough I start to whisper to him. "You're a little bitch, I thought I'd let you know." I then spit in his face through the bars before he can recoil.
"AWWW WHAT THE BUCK! I'M GONNA' COME IN THERE AND BUCK YOUR HEAD IN!" Lawl he so mad. It looked like he was about to open the door when the other guard stops him and talks some sense into him. Awww, I was gonna' enjoy pulling his arms off. Oh well...
Well, it looks like they have some super special wall that I can't just punch through. I could try using some economic energon, but perhaps I shouldn't let them know I have that ability just yet. Instead I opt to pull a small gray box with a single red button from my chest cavity. Thankfully, they were too stupid to check to see if I have anything hidden inside my chest... I flip a small plate of glass off of the button and push it in before returning the device into my chest. There, now I just need to wait here. Thankfully I have that tracking device in my skull...
I then sit down on the floor while I wait for whatever is going to happen. Apparently the princess is going to come see me. I must be in some real deep shit if she's coming all the way here for me. Then again, Twilight was her slave or something and she seemed pretty pissed off at me. I'm really not sure what I did to piss her off so much. Maybe I tracked mud on her floor again or something, I don't really know.
After about ten minutes I heard some commotion from outside my cell and I looked up to see the guards bowing to someone, presumably the princess. Well here I go, I'll just use my charm to get out of here in no time. By the time I'm done with the princess, she'll probably give me a metal.
The door then unlocks and in walks a big white pony with a horn and wings accompanied by a pair of guards. Well this pony is certainly taller than the other ones... Maybe their social status in this society is based on their height. This is definitely the tallest pony I've seen so far.
"Yo." I say as they walk in causing the guards to give me angry looks. The princess really doesn't look too happy with me either.
She clears her throat before beginning. "Hello Paul. I'm here to ask a few questions."
You don't say? I thought she was here to tell me about her day... "I feel honored that you would come all the way here just to talk to me. I truly do."
"You're in the castle in Canterlot. I didn't have to come very far." She says dryly.
"Awww, well that explains a few things." Alright, previous escape plan of 'run out and go into the forest' might not work anymore. "Go ahead and ask away."
She glared at me before getting to her first question. "We have reason to believe that you burnt down the office building in Ponyville. Did you do it?"
Dang, they found me out. I guess I'm not really one to lie, might as well tell the truth. "Yes."
"We have ways of making you talk!" Celestia yells before she realizes that I said 'yes'. "Wait... So you did?"
"Mmmmmmmhmmmm. Any other questions or can I go?" Well this seems to be going smoothly, at this rate I'll be out here in no time.
She stares at me for a second before asking her next question. "Did you murder all those ponies in Ponyville?!"
Huh, murders? Oh, I think I heard something about that. "Oh that, no that wasn't me."
"Admit to it! I know you murdered those ponies you monster!" It looked like she was about to stab me with her horn or something she was so mad.
"Woah woah woah!" I put my claws up in front of me to try to calm her down. "Hold your lemons, that wasn't me. I'm pretty sure that was some demon shell monster."
"WHAT!? You expect me to believe such a blatant and ill conceived lie?!"
"Yeah." I shrugged.
She looked like her head was about to explode from her anger. Maybe I should try to calm her down before she shoots magic out of her horn at me or something. Of course then she started to ask her next question before I could say anything else. "Zecora has recently gone missing and all evidence points to you, what do you have to say about that?!"
"Hmm, that name doesn't ring any bells so I'm afraid that I don't think I committed that one."
"DON'T LIE TO ME! DID YOU KILL THE ZEBRA!?!?!"
"Ohhhhh. Zecora is a zebra? Why didn't you say so? Yeah, I killed a zebra." I said nonchalantly. Her mouth hung open and her eye started to twitch as she stared at me in disbelief that I had just admitted to murder like it was no big deal. "I don't see what the problem is, she's not even a pony. It was to my understanding that you're the leader of the ponies, not the zebras."
After a few moments she recovered from her initial shock and glared at me like she's thinking of ending my life right there. She probably is. Well shit, maybe I won't get out of here so fast after all. After a few deep breaths she continued with her questions. "Next, there are reports saying that you led a manticore into Ponyville at night causing a lot of property damage." Ok that wasn't really so much of a question as much as a statement. I just stared at her until she asked an actual question. "Did you do it?!"
There we go. "Yeah, but in my defense we were both high as shit on catnip at the time."
"Catnip is illegal!"
"What! That's bullshit! What kind of tyrant denies their subjects catnip?!?!" The guards and the princess all looked angered by my outburst. I swear, she was about to shoot a magic laser at me any second.
"I'm going to ignore that for now only because it will make it all the more satisfying when I kill you!"
"Woah, calm down now. We're all friends here."
"NO WE'RE NOT! YOU'RE A MURDERER AND A TROUBLE MAKER!" She took a few deep breaths before continuing. "Next question. Did you paint a penis on the side of Applejack's barn?"
Lol that's an easy question. "Yeeup! You know, I didn't even realize I had such an impressive track record until you brought all of this stuff up. I'm sure we'll laugh about it all in the future." I'll admit, my attempts to calm her down have been poorly contrived at best. I'm pretty sure I'm just pissing her off with my answers.
"Next, did you assault Rarity?!"
"Huh. No, I didn't do that one."
"Alright and last. WHY. DID. YOU. ATTACK. TWILIGHT!?!?!?" At this it looked like she released all her rage that she had been trying to control during the interrogation. Her mane seemed to turn into flames that licked against the roof of the cell leaving scorch marks and her horn started giving off copious amounts of light. Ok, wait what? I don't think I attacked Twilight.
"I don't think I did that one..."
"LIES!" She yelled at me while firing a bright white laser from her horn. I quickly jumped to the side, narrowly avoiding the projectile that would have hit me right in the chest. I looked back at the wall and saw that the laser had imbedded itself at least an inch into the stone. Well shit.
I turned back to her before continuing. "Like I said, I don't think I did that. Can you perhaps give me some more information before you try to shoot another laser into my chest?"
She looked at me with the same rage in her eyes. "ARE YOU CALLING MY MOST FAITHFUL STUDENT A LIER!?!?! SHE SAID HERSELF THAT YOU ATTACKED HER IN THE WOODS! SHE ONLY MANAGED TO ESCAPE BECAUSE SHE WAS ABLE TO KNOCK YOU OUT WITH HER MAGIC!!!"
Well that doesn't make any sense... I never did that. Wait a second...... Knock me out with her magic? So that's how I knocked out and woke up underground! She must have tried to kill me! Oh that stupid bitch, as soon as I get outa here Ima throw her off a bridge! "I didn't do that! I was just walking through the forest minding my own business and she hit me in the head and then buried me!"
"LIES!" She yelled again before shooting a bunch of fire from her horn with enough force to knock me back against the far wall. At least I can take a lot of heat, so it didn't really hurt all that bad. "I've deemed you guilty of arson, treason, drug abuse, vandalism, murder, and multiple counts of attempted murder! You'll rot in the gallows!" She yelled as she walked out the door followed by her two guards.
Well that didn't go so bad...
So this chapter we get to reflect on all the illegal shit that Paul has done. He's really come a long way...
Lol they gone hang the shit out of him!
Wooooo don your party hats cuz we just hit 20 chapters (and 60k words)! It's dance tyme!
Paul teaches the ponies about harmony
Author's note: Daaaaamn girl, two chapters in one day? I spoil you guys, you know that right? I'm kidding...
I sat there for a while... Then I sat there some more. What else am I supposed to do? Maybe I can punch through the wall of the prison cell, but that would just be messy. Besides, I have something fun planned. Hopefully it all works out or I'm going to look like an idiot. Not that that matters, I'll be too busy being dead to care at that point.
Now then, apparently the ponies are planning on hanging me. I mean, really? It's not like I did anything that bad... Sure I might have brought a demon lord trapped inside a conch shell into town and murdered a zebra, but can you really blame me? I mean, I'm not the bad guy here. In fact, I'm the protagonist... As weird as that sounds...
Stupid ponies are the bad guys here. They could just let me out and I'll leave the planet via spaceship. Sure I might blow something up along the way, but who cares? This is all Twilight's fault... The police would have never found out about all my crimes if she didn't go and tattle on me. I wonder how long she's been planning on killing me. I mean, she must have followed me for at least two days since she found out that my weaknesses is those tiny annoying ponies.
Now that's a creepy thought. Twilight sitting in the bushes watching my every move... It's amazing that I didn't see her, she's fucking purple! In case you have a brain defect and can't understand my logic, I'll explain it to you. Purple isn't camouflage at all... I wonder if she found my special clearing. That might be bad if she gets Steve. Naw, I don't think that happened. Then again I really have no way of knowing.
All right so the ponies are going to try to hang me. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I mean, I have a pretty strong neck all things considered, and I have scales. Scales are pretty durable so I imagine they'll help with.... I don't know... Anyways. I have a strong neck. I'm sure I'll be fine. It's not like they are going to hang me anyways. I'd sooner drown then let them hang me!
Unfortunately my musing was interrupted as a group of guards came to the door of my cell. "Get up, it's time to go!" Demanded one of them as he put a key into the lock. "And don't try any funny business, we won't hesitate to use magic on you!"
Foolish mortal ponies, they think I afraids of magic... I doesn't afraid of anything! The only thing stopping me from pulling all their legs off is the fact that I have something planned. I mean, they're sending me to my death. They couldn't possibly punish me more than they're already planning to. Unless they resort to torture...
Oh god, Twilight would probably volunteer to do it herself. I got up and walked to the door of the cell and the guards put hand cuffs onto my claws. I'm pretty sure they were made for ponies because they fit kinda' weird. I could probably slip my hands out of them if I wanted to, but I'll act like they're tight for now. Stupid ponies didn't even check...
I was led through several hallways until eventually I could tell that we left the dungeon. We exited from some gray stone building that went out into a huge garden. The garden surrounded a huge white and gold castle. I wasn't being led there though... No, they led me through the gardens a little ways until we got to a big open area with a bunch of stands. In the stands were several hundred ponies that had apparently gathered to watch my death. I almost feel honored that so many ponies care. Honestly they probably just have some kind of sick blood lust that they plan on feeding by watching an innocent (me) get killed. I mean, sure I committed some crimes, but they're just over reacting with this.
As we got closer I saw that they were leading me to a wooden stage thing with a device that was clearly used for hanging ponies. They even had an executioner pony with a cute little black mask on. Oh god, why is that so adorable? Also, why does he even need a mask? I can clearly see the pony's coat and tail color, covering his facial features is useless. There is probably only a few other ponies in the entire country with the same color scheme as him, not to mention his butt tattoo is showing.
The next thing I noticed was Celestia with two other tall ponies with wings and horns standing next to her. One was blue while the other was pink. Clearly these were the second and third tallest ponies here so they must be important. Than Twilight and her friends were standing next to her. Most of them were giving me angry glares while Twilight had a huge smirk on her face. She thinks me defeated so easily? Lolno! She's gonna' be so surprised, they all are! Except maybe Rarity... She's sitting in a wheel chair with her head slumped awkwardly to the side. Celestia did mention something about her getting attacked... It would appear she suffered some sort of brain damage. I wonder if she can even count to potato anymore...
Once I was situated up on the stand the executioner pony turned to me. "You have a tip for me so I can make this painless for you? Or would you rather do it slowly?" What a dick. I always hated the whole 'tip the executioner' thing. They're just a bunch of sleezy money whores.
"Here's a tip. Wear something more than a mask if you want to conceal your identity. Yeah, I'm sure you feel really stupid for not thinking of that earlier. By the way, spoiler alert: I'm sure everyone in town already knows who you are since you all have different coloring and tattoos. Honestly, you should pay me for giving you that idea." Got 'em.
He just glared at me before responding. "Slow and painful it is." What the hell is he gonna' do, use a magic rope that breaks my neck slowly? Like that will ever happ-Oh shit. This is a land full of magic talking ponies, I'm sure that's exactly what's gonna' happen. Well fuck my life...
At this point Celestia stood up and walked over to a mic on a small podium in front of me. She tapped it with a hoof and cleared her throat. "Is this thing on? Ok, hey everypony. Thanks a lot for coming today! It looks like we got a great turn out for today's execution. As you all know, we haven't had an execution like this in over a hundred years so this is pretty special."
Wait, if they haven't had executions than what does the executioner do for a job normally? I look over and see that his butt tattoo, I could probably call it a tramp stamp too, is a pony making a lightbulb. Well that's just fantastic... My executioner is a lightbulb maker... Let me guess, his name is Tungsten. "...Heinous crime to go unpunished. So without further adieu, it's killin' time!" I'm sure Celestia's speech was pretty cool and all, but I zoned out for half of it.
It's at this point that I realize that my help hasn't arrived yet. Well fuck... I'm just here... Alone... Surrounded by hundreds of angry magic ponies that no doubt want to eat my skin. In fact, I imagine that the first thing they are going to do once they kill me is go into a feeding frenzy as they rend the skin from my bones. Then again, I don't have skin on my bones. My bones are covered in muscle and other tissues and the skin is on top of that. But I digress. I wonder if I can possibly escape on my own at this point. I feel the cuffs on my hands a bit and I'm confident that I can at least escape from those if necessary. I can probably just pull the chain in half if I need to.
Then Celestia motions towards me with a hoof and the crowd cheers. They seem pretty excited about my death, I'm almost sorry that I intend to disappoint them. "Any last words monster?!" Yells Celestia as she steps down from the podium and returns to where the other two tall ponies are at.
Aha! Foolish fool, they gave me exactly what I need. A chance to stall. Alright, now what to say? Oh no time to think of that, I'll just go with the first thing that comes to mind. I step up to the microphone before beginning. "Good morning. In less than an hour , aircraft from here will join others from around the world. And you will be launching the largest aerial battle in the history of mankind. Mankind- that word should have new meaning for all of us today. We can't be consumed by our petty differences anymore. We will be united in our common interests. Perhaps its fate that today is the 4th of July, and you will once again be fighting for our freedom, not from tyranny, oppression, or persecution- but from annihilation. We're fighting for our right to live, to exist. And should we win the day, the 4th of July will no longer be known as an American holiday, but as the day when the world declared in one voice: We will not go quietly into the night! We will not vanish without a fight! We're going to live on! We're going to survive! Today, we celebrate our Independence Day!"
I finished and looked around the crowd to find that almost all of the ponies were extremely confused about what I was talking about. At least Pinkie Pie was giggling to herself. Hell, that speech didn't even apply here at all... Oh well I stalled for like two minutes. Pretty good, right?
Once I was done with that dumb speech the executioner grabbed me with one hoof and led me to the gallows and started to fit a noose for me. Well this sucks... It looks like my help isn't coming after all...
Then I started to hear some faint noise in the distance ... It was extremely quiet at first, but eventually I was able to make out what it was. I let a huge grin ingulf my face as I knew what was coming. It didn't take long for the ponies to hear it too and they started to swivel their ears around to listen for where the strange song was coming from.
As it got louder I decided to take advantage of the ponies' confusion. I simply pulled my arms apart suddenly causing the thin metal chains on my wrist to snap apart. Then I looked to my right to see none other than the guard who was stationed in front of my prison cell earlier. The one who told me to 'shut my mouth'. As I turned towards him he stopped focusing on the weird noise and turned to me. His jaw dropped when he saw my snapped hand cuffs.
"They're gonna' call you Bob once I'm done with you!" At that point I stepped forward, picked the flailing guard up, and ripped his arms off just like I said I would. As I dropped the bleeding pony torso onto the ground I was surrounded by well over three dozen angry guards who looked ready to attack me at any moment. I bared my fangs and held my claws up menacingly to try to intimidate them. It seemed to work as they haven't tried smashing my head in yet. Then I saw Steve through the corner of my eye, he was getting close fast! Of course, he wasn't a fish anymore. I made him a new body!
Now he was a shining silver metal unicorn that was only slightly larger than the average unicorn and had a flowing rainbow mane and tail and glowing light blue eyes. As he got close the song coming from the speakers on him got progressively louder. The guards seemed uneasy about the approaching unicorn but were too busy focusing on me to do anything. Once Steve was close enough he jumped straight over the bleachers of ponies leaving a rainbow trail in his wake as he landed next to me on one of the guards with a horrible cracking sound.
"Steve!" I yelled. I was pretty happy to finally see my friend alive again.
Steve just nodded at me before replying in a robotic voice. "Get on!"
I happily obliged by climbing onto his back. Sure he was kinda' small for a mount, but he was also a robot. I turned and looked at Celestia who had her wings flared, ready for battle and we made eye contact for a second. "See you later shit lords!" I yelled before we suddenly blasted high into the air moving faster than any pegasus (except maybe rainbow dash) with a rainbow trailing behind us. "Wooooooo!" I cheered as we soared above the clouds at an extremely fast speed. This was possibly the greatest moment of my life. The sky seemed to sparkle and I'm pretty sure I even saw some dolphins flying with us. They squealed in delight as we flew off into the sunset and out of the vision of the crowd of ponies.
Meanwhile, back at Canterlot. Celestia just stared at the rainbow trail that was now stretching into the distance. She wore a look of shock similar to all the other ponies that was soon replaced by one of pure rage. He'd escaped somehow! Celestia was still questioning the details as none of what just happened made any sense. What did make sense was that Paul got away and he needs to be punished for his crimes against ponymanity.
She turned to captain Shining Armor who was quickly recovering from the confusion. "Shining Armor!" Clestia yelled getting his attention immediately. "RELEASE THE OMEGA SPIDER!"
Awwwwwwwwwwwww shit son. This is where things start getting weird... More weird... In a good way I hope.
Lol, the speech from independence day was the first thing I could think of so I just used that. It's an epic speech. Unfortunately it's only July 3 instead of July 4 D:
Is it bad that I know every word to the song (Always- Erasure)?
Author's note: A chapter without Paul!!!!!
"RELEASE THE OMEGA SPIDER!" Yelled Celestia
Luna and Shining Armor gasped while all the other ponies in the immediate area looked confused. "Umm Princess, I don't mean to sound rude, but what in tarnations is an omega spider?"
"Not 'an' omega spider Applejack, 'the' omega spider. Come, I'll explain once we get there." With that said, Celestia turned and started walking towards the castle. The main six along with Luna, Cadence, and Shining Armor all followed after her. It didn't take long for them to make their way through the panicked crowd, being with royalty helps with that since all of the ponies are scared of getting in their way. Once they were inside the castle they walked through several hallways until the princesses stopped randomly by one wall in a random hallway. Looking around none of the others could see anything special about this particular wall.
They stood there like that for a few moments without saying anything until Celestia and Luna both put their hoofs to the wall. Suddenly two of the white bricks slid away where their hoofs were revealing some kind of panel underneath. They kept them on that spot for a moment while a blue light traced their hoofs before they both moved their heads closer to the wall. Once they were close two blue lasers shot out and scanned over their eyes before disappearing. Next they each pulled a small orange key from under their wings and inserted them into the wall. They looked at each other before quickly nodding and turning the keys at the same time.
That seemed to do the trick as suddenly the wall pulled back with a hiss of escaping gas and slid into the ground to reveal a long staircase surrounded by metal walls. Once the door opened the lights started to turn on one by one illuminating a long path in front of them that seemed to go on forever. All of the ponies except for Celestia and Luna looked pretty awestruck by the display as they had never seen anything like that before.
"Let's get going." Said Celestia as she began to descend down the long stairway. The others were close behind and once they all made it inside the door slid shut on its own. They then walked down the staircase for at least five minutes until they finally came to a room. By this point they were in the heart of the mountain that Canterlot was built on. It was a lot warmer down here than it was on the surface and for some reason there was a constant humming noise coming from the walls that sounded like some kind of engine.
"Alright." Started Celestia who turned to the other ponies who seemed very confused and somewhat out of breath. "What your about to see hasn't been shown to a single other pony in over twelve hundred years."
"And what exactly are we going to see? What is this 'omega spider' thing?" Asked Twilight who looked hungry for information.
"What you are about to see is the prison of Azitol, the omega spider. I suppose I should explain everything though. Four thousand years ago the planet was ruled by a race of giant spiders who lived in peace and harmony. They were a highly advanced race who managed to create all kinds of technology. Most of our modern technology is based on what we found from them. They even invented the sun and the moon and the elements of harmony to make things more interesting. Of course their greatest invention was ponies."
All of the other ponies gasped when she said that. "But princess, you can't mean-" Yelled Twilight.
"I do. The original ponies were just small horses that lacked a wide color variety or intelligence of any kind. Through years of breeding and genetic experiments the spiders were able to create our pony ancestors. We speculate that the main reason why they did this was because they were bored. Anyways, the omega spider was the most powerful of the spiders and the leader of his people. Because of him all the spider nations lived together in harmony, but then everything changed when the fire nat- I mean discord attacked. No one knows where he came from, but one day he came out of nowhere and sent the omega spider forward in time."
"What happened next?!" Twilight was really getting into the story at this point. She'd never heard anything about this before and it would be farfetched if she wasn't hearing it from the princess herself.
"Well, Discord sent the omega spider into the future because he knew that he could never defeat the spider. Back then he wielded the elements of harmony, not to mention that if he dies he revives somewhere else in the world, so you can't kill him. Once the omega spider was gone, discord was able to wipe out all the other spiders. But, in his blind rampage he accidently broke open an extremely secure underground facility, thus releasing all the ponies. Among those were my sister and I who were a special experiment. The omega spider foresaw our growth himself."
"But that means--" Twilight nearly passed out from the revelation.
"Yes, the omega spider is practically out father!"
All of the ponies shared a gasp from learning this. Who could have possibly guessed? (Seriously, did anyone see this coming?)
"So what happened after you escaped?" Asked Twilight.
"Once we were free, the elements of harmony came to us. You see, without the omega spider around they needed a new host. The elements of harmony must always have a captain (pirates of the caribbean reference, I thought that one would be too far fetched for people to understand without me saying something). So we used them to defeat discord by trapping him in stone. After that the world was in ruin and the ponies scattered and built their countries on the bones of the spider civilization. After several hundred years, Luna and I came in and united all the different subspecies of ponies and created Equestria."
"But where does that leave the omega spider?"
"Aw, he appeared a few hundred years after Equestria was founded. Thankfully, he was severely weakened when he first arrived from discord sending him forward in time so Luna and I were able to subdue him deep in a cave. Of course we couldn't simply use the elements of harmony on him since he built them and made sure he was protected from their power, so we couldn't just put him in stone like we did with Discord. Instead, to keep constant watch over him, we built Canterlot here to seal his prison and we left behind our old castle. That was over two thousand years ago."
"How did you guys know that he couldn't simply be killed anyways?"
"Well, like I said, he was the one who created us. He also raised us and was the closest thing to a father we've ever had. Anyways, he shared some information about himself with me and Luna, the fool thought we could be trusted."
"So, if he was like a father to you guys, why did you imprison him?"
"He could have potentially been a threat to the country... But more importantly spiders are really scary. Now that I'm not an ignorant foal I can see that. The last thing I want is some giant spider running around my country."
All of the ponies nodded their heads in agreement to this. Fuck spiders! "So, what do you plan on doing now?"
Celestia sighed. "We're going to release him to destroy Paul. We can't let Paul get away with almost murdering my star pupil and attacking my guards. His punishment will be having his guts sucked out by a giant horrible spider."
The other ponies, especially Twilight, seemed to agree with this notion. Unfortunately, there was one small problem and Twilight was just the one to ask about it. "How are you going to get the spider to kill Paul? Won't he attack us instead for keeping him as a prisoner for so long?"
"We managed to reverse engineer some of the spiders' technology. One of the things we figured out how to create was a mind control device. We put one on the omega spider so now he follows our orders without question. We were going to try to mass produce them and use them on pony kind, but we found that it would be much too expensive. Besides, we've found plenty of other ways to control ponies." Like saying that they control the moon and sun. "I know it's strange to put our trust in a spider, but he will get the job done. The last time we let him out was over eighteen hundred years ago when the griffin nation threatened to attack us. He wiped out over half their population and dismantled their government. They're still scared of us doing it again, that's the only reason why they've never attacked us."
"Now then, let's go see him." With that said Celestia walked through a nearby door into another room with Luna close behind her. The other ponies reluctantly followed after her. They didn't seem too keen on seeing a giant spider. Bad news for them because the next room was filled with giant spider. The room was pretty large and circular and in the middle was a huge pit with what was obviously the omega spider chained down in it. He is basically a giant brown and black tarantula with several metal devices strapped onto his back as well as thin metal armor that covered parts of his legs.
Celestia walked up to a command module on the edge of the pit and pushed several buttons on it before speaking into a mic. "Wake up Azitol. I need you to go out and kill the sex raptor, Paul. Once you do, bring his corpse back to me." She then pushed a few more buttons which released Azitol from his chains and opened a huge metal door on the far wall. The giant spider then wordlessly crawled up out of the pit and exited through the open door making loud thumps with his legs as he went. He emerged from a huge secret exit on the backside of the mountain that Canterlot is built on before scurrying off after Paul.
As Celestia watched Azitol leave she chuckled silently to herself. "Gg Paul..."
Ok, got that done. Not a lot of jokes in this chapter unfortunately, but this explains the origin of ponies pretty well. I wouldn't be surprised if in season 3 they reveal that all of this is canon.
I would have spent more time going over this one, since it's kinda' short and boring, but I have to get ready in about an hour to go to the airport. Looks like no sleep for me to tonight...
So if you didn't read it already in a different author's note, I'm leaving to go to California until the 20th with my family. Gonna' fly there and then we gotta' drive from there to Missouri and then back to here (Virginia where I live) to see some family I haven't talked to in like six years. The only reason I'm going is because my grandma is giving me her old car since she's too old to drive now and I have to drive it back. I'm probably going to die on the way...
Anyways, I won't have any way to type while I'm gone (and probably no internet access at all D: ) So don't expect any updates for the next two and a half weeks. Sorry :[
Author's note: Good news everybody, I'm back from cali-cali-fornia! Best part is I didn't even die in a horrible, skin rending car accident on the drive back. I also got a new cat, but no one cares about that. I know what you're all thinking, 'Hey Ethesto, stop typing stupid shit about your life that everyone is just going to skim over and type some dumb shit about ponies and raptors and stuff'. Well ok, if that's what you want. I shutter to imagine how you all even slept at night knowing that I wasn't able to type anything for you for so long.
"Flying around at the speed of sound, got places to go gotta' follow my rainbow! Can't stick around gotta' keep moving on, cuz what lies ahead only one way to find out! " Ok, yeah. I was singing the song from sonic, but in my defense I was pretty bored. I mean, sure flying on the back of a robot unicorn if fun and all, but we were flying for hours already... Maybe even days! Ok, not days. Just several hours. I'm surprised I could even breathe, we were pretty high in the atmosphere. Oh well, I'm not going to ask questions. Questions only lead to disappointment.
Now that all that is out of the way, I have no idea where we are going. We're traveling at like four hundred miles per hour and I'm pretty sure we're just going in a random direction. I don't know, I'm not gonna' ask about it. Like I said before, questions only lead to disappoint. I'm just along for the ride!
At least the scenery is... Satisfactory. Sure Equestria is alright, but I've seen better in a trailer park. It's like, do these ponies even care about where they live? This whole place is nothin' but trees and nature everywhere aside from the occasional small town. If these ponies had even an ounce of intelligence they would have learned that nature's one true purpose is to be destroyed. I'm pretty sure that trees are only there to test whether or not we are smart enough to destroy them. That's what separates the intelligent species from, I don't know, tigers. I mean, sure tigers are strong and stuff, but you don't see them destroying trees. But I digress.
You know what, screw my brain! I'm going to ask questions whether or not they yield disappointing answers. After all, what is life if not one disappointment after another. "Hey Steve, where are we going?" I had to say it pretty loud because the wind drowned out almost all of the sound.
"Idk." Replied Steve. Of course he doesn't know, he was a fish before now. He probably knows very little about the surface world. In retrospect perhaps I should have given him some kind of long range scanning equipment when I built him so that we could actually tell where we were going. Oh well, too late for that.
"Ok." Right after saying that I spotted a mountain range jutting up over the horizon with my keen sex raptor eyes. "Let's go there." I yelled while pointing towards said mountain range. He couldn't see me pointing because I was riding on his back, but I think he spotted the mountains too.
Flying to them didn't take too long. On foot the trip to them would have easily taken days, but it only took us a little less than an hour. Now that we were closer I was able to see the details of the mountains. They were steep slopes that eventually curved upwards into high rocky cliffs covered in snow. Most of the foliage wasn't able to grow above a couple thousand feet so the peeks were devoid of any plant life. I might have even considered them to be beautiful if I hadn't seen cooler stuff in my life and if I was easily impressed.
It didn't take long to spot a settlement. The smoke wafting up into the sky over the barren cliffs was a dead give away. Naturally, with no real direction we flew towards that. Once we got close it was easy to see that it was a town although it definitely wasn't a pony town. For one, it was built into the side of the cliff pretty high up so it would be almost impossible for the non-flying ponies to even reach the town. Next, the architecture was distinctly different than what I'd seen in pony towns. Instead of having thatch roofs the buildings were made almost entirely out of wood and they weren't nearly as colorful as pony buildings. Most of the buildings also had decorative carvings on them, mostly dragon heads. The final thing that gave it away as 'not a pony town' was the fact that it was inhabited by a bunch of large bird things.
Closer inspection revealed that they were some kind of cat-bird hybrid, likely the result of years and years of unethical interspecies sex. They came in various shades of blacks, grays, browns, whites, and golds for the most part and had various designs on them. I should probably explain what they look like for all you bads out there.
Well, imagine a big cat. Now chop the cat in half and glue a large bird with its butt removed onto the back part of the cat. Now you have an abomination of nature with a bird head and front claws along with wings, and a cat's back legs and tail. I think that description will suffice. With that said we landed in the town on one of many large platforms that are set up. Thankfully the various buildings are connected by wooden platforms and bridges so it won't be overly hard to get around.
As soon as we landed we got some weird looks from the locals. I suppose we are a strange couple, a sex raptor which they assume is a small dragon and a flying rainbow unicorn, but giving us those disgusted looks is just rude. Now then.... Wait, why am I here again? Oh yeah, for no real reason. Oh well, maybe I'll explore the town or something. Of course, I wasn't able to explore the town as I was suddenly confronted by a light pink bird cat with dark pink designs along its face and chest.
"Hey there, you must be new in town. Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Pleasant, it rhymes with pheasant! This is Aviaria, the nicest little town this side of the ocean. Might I ask why you're here?" Alright, apparently these bird things come in pink too. Also it's a girl I guess, I don't know how to tell so I'll just assume based on the color and voice and stuff.
"Yo, the names Paul." I then gestured to Steve. "This is Steve."
"What's up?" Said Steve with a nod.
"We're just kinda' traveling around. What is there to do in town?" Hopefully she'll give us something to keep us occupied.
"Well, there's always the local taylor, Mrs. Teagle. I'm sure she'd be happy to replace that old tie of yours."
I looked down at my tie for a moment. Why does everyone dislike the tie? I think it looks pretty fly. Unintentional rhyme. Perhaps this thing is pretty old... Like really really old... Maybe it is high time I replace this old neck worm. "Alright, where is she at?"
"Oh, she'll be at her home in Bird flu boutique." Ok what's up with all these bird names? It's bad enough the ponies used bad horse puns, now the bird cats use even worse bird puns. Really, naming a place after a disease? What's next, butt lick cafe? Get it, because cats lick their butts... They must have gotten desperate, I imagine they ran out of good puns a long time ago.
"Ok. I guess we can go there." I was about to turn and walk away when I realized that I don't know what 'Bird flu boutique ' looks like or even which direction it's in. "Where is it at exactly?"
"Oh, I can show you. Mrs. Teagle is a good friend of mine. Come on, it's this way!" She gestured for us to follow as she walked off down the wooden platform and further into town. Steve and I shared a quick glance before following after her. What could possibly go wrong?
Despite me asking that in my head, nothing went wrong. The trip there was fast and easy with the pink thing guiding us. The building was a two story tall wood thing with a bunch of bird statues on the sides. I guess the name 'bird flu' was fitting because it was covered in birds and I got sick just from looking at it. Anyways, we went inside.
The inside was a bit nicer than the outside. The floor was covered in red carpet and there were a bunch of dresses put up on bird-cat mannequins (Mannequin Skywalker). Over in the corner I saw a dark brown bird cat with a short black mohawk of feathers. This must be Mrs. Teagle. Being the always polite sex raptor that I am, I decided to say hi. "Hello Mrs. Teagle, nice shop you have here."
Instead of returning my polite greetings the bird cat growled at me and stood up on its back... paws. Then it gave me what I assume is the bird cat equivalent of a scowl. I imagine facial expressions are difficult with a beak. "I pity the fool that thinks I'm a lady!" Replied the bird cat in a deep voice. Apparently this isn't Mrs. Teagle...
"Lol, I thought you were a chick!" I said. I couldn't help but snicker at how awkward that was.
I don't think the bird cat appreciated this. "Shut up, I'm a grown gryphon sucka!" K, apparently they're gryphons... Maybe now I can stop referring to them as 'bird cats'.
Then Pleasant diffused the situation before it could get any worse. "That's Mr. Teagle silly, Mrs. Teagle must be in the back."
"K." I said with a shrug. Honestly, I might as well be a honey badger because I just don't give a shit about anything.
Then a white and gray gryphon stepped out of a back room. "Hello Pleasant, what a PLEASANT surprise!" Said Mrs. Teagle with a chuckle. "What brings you here today?"
"Oh I was just showing my new friends around town and they wanted to come to your shop."
With that said Mrs. Teagle turned her attention to me. "Is that so?" She then sized me up before continuing. "He could really use some fashion advice, and I definitely need to do something about that tacky tie!" Goddamn it, why does everyone think my tie is tacky?! Oh well, might as well go with it while I'm here, maybe I'll get a cool new tie.
"K." I just used my default response at this point. I didn't really want to acknowledge that my tie was tacky.
As soon as that letter left my mouth she grabbed me with her bird claws and pulled me into another room. She wasted no time in pushing me into a chair and measuring my neck with a tape measure. The whole time she was muttering various things about fashion, but I was able to tune her out. Then she pulled off my old tie and chucked it into a corner. No! I haven't taken that tie off in decades! I was about to protest but I saw her already stitching together a new tie so I decided to just wait and see how good the new one was.
I sat there for about an hour until she finished and turned towards me. "All finished dear!"
I looked down at the tie that she had in her claws. It was really dark blue, almost black, with diagonal lines running across it that were a dark purple/blue color. It was also shiny, I assume it was made of silk or something. All in all, not too bad though it was just a regular tie, nothing spectacular. She then fit it onto my neck and turned me towards a big mirror on the wall. "So, what do you think?"
"It's pretty nice." She seemed satisfied enough with that answer.
"Alright, that'll be 14 bits." Hmm, apparently they use the same currency as ponies. Then it hit me that I have no moneys. Well shit, this is a sticky situation. Maybe if I tell her the truth she won't be too mad.
"Hehe, I kinda don't have any money." I'm sure she'll forgive me, maybe she'll even be generous enough to let me have it for free.
"No.... Money?!" I'm sure that barely contained rage in her voice is really just excitement that she gets to do something generous for someone else.
"Yes."
Her eye twitched for a second as she just stared at me. Any second now she was going to announce that that was ok and that I can repay her back some other way or something. Well... That's what I thought anyways. She instead grabbed a pair of scissors off a nearby table and tried stabbing them into my chest while shouting, "You have no money, then die!"
I quickly dodged out of the way of her mad scissor swinging and ran out of the room only to run into two other gryphons who looked confused. Then Mrs. Teagle ran into the room after me. "He has no money!" The confusion in the gryphon's eyes quickly turned into anger. Mr. Teagle reached over and grabbed a large one headed axe that was leaning against a wall while Pleasant bared her talons at me.
Well shit, it looks like these gryphons aren't messing around. In retrospect, I probably should have said that I didn't have money in the first place. They were still being really big dicks though. Oh well, it's too late to worry about that. Then Mrs. Teagle tried to stab me in the back with her scissors. Doesn't she know that that's no way to treat a guest? I mean really, that's just plain rude! Oh well, maybe I can teach them some manners later. I simply jumped around in the air and delivered a round house kick to her head that would make Chuck Norris proud.
The kick was enough to knock her back across the room and into the counter where she slumped over. Now I just had to deal with the others. I turned to see a very angry Mr. Teagle running at me with his axe. He quickly swung it at me intending to take off my head in one fell swoop, but I was able to easily duck under it. The missed attack knocked him off balance as he swung around from the weight of the huge weapon. Now was my chance.
I stood back up and stepped towards him while punching randomly as fast as I could. "Whaaa Atatatatattatatatata !!" He didn't stand a chance. After about three seconds his body collapsed to the floor presumably dead. I then turned towards the pink Gryphon who was staring at me in horror. She was the only other witness, once I dealt with her I could just walk out of the town no problem. Then she turned and ran out the door.
"Shit...."
Steve nodded his head in agreement. "Shit..."
Even from inside the building we could hear her screaming to the guards for help. Well, today sucks... Then again, what is life if not one disappointment after another?
Well that one was kinda' weird to type. I had to make everything about gryphons up off the top of my head, and quite frankly the top of my head is covered in hair. Oh well, I hope you enjoyed. Now that I'm back from 'vacation' I can actually update again!!!!
PS: I hate sonic
Paul sings a real cool song
Author's note: So I called this story 'Raptor-tastic' mainly because I couldn't think of anything... ANYTHING... better at the time. If you have a suggestion for a better title say it in the comments. Or don't... That's cool too...
"Stupid gryphons..." I grumbled as I listened to the screams of that stupid pink gryphon outside as she called for help.
Steve nodded in agreement. "Maybe we should leave before the guards come." Always the voice of reason.
"That's a good idea. You're a credit to team, Steve." I could have sworn I heard him 'sqee' at the compliment, he'd probably be blushing too if he wasn't a robot. Unfortunately that good idea was wasted as we were confronted by guards.
"You have committed crimes against Aviaria and her people, what say you in your defense?!" Well that's just fantastic, they're just outright going to say that I've committed crimes. No innocent until proven guilty? What a bunch of dicks... Oh well, maybe I can salvage this situation with my master persuasion and charisma. I quickly rolled a dice for my charisma. Damn... Rolled a two... Oh well, I'll just have to work with it.
"Well you see, me and my friend here-"
"What!" Steve interrupted, "Don't bring me into this!"
"I
"You're under arrest!" Yelled the guard. Apparently they don't listen to reason... Or perhaps they noticed the bloody mess of Mr. Teagle lying on the floor. Perhaps I hit him a bit too hard... Unfortunately for him, one of the guards tried to slap a pair of cuffs onto my arms. Now I may have committed murder, but I wasn't about to go with them quietly. If anything, I was gonna' cause as much of a scene as I could.
"Fuck you." I slapped the cuffs out of his hand. "And fuck your family!"
Then both the guards pulled swords from hilts on their sides right below their wings. Well, looks like this is going to get messy. Without another word they both charged at me with their swords high in the air, ready to swing them down at me. Pshhh, like that would work.
I simply jumped back as they swung and easily avoided the relatively short blades. Once the blades finished their arc and were pointed downwards I did what raptors of all kind do best. I jumped at them, foot talons bared. Less than a second passed before there was a distinct scraping sound that represented my large foot talons entering their skulls with enough force to bring down a small brontosaurus. "All gone!" I said in a high pitched voice.
"Alright, now let's leave." Said Steve. He clearly didn't want to stick around here all day with a bunch of angry gryphons in the area.
"KKK!" I replied while running through the door. I only made it a few feet outside before I stopped. Standing around the building were at least thirty more gryphon guards all armed with spears, swords, or what looked like rifles. Wtf, where did they get rifles? I didn't think they had guns here... Then suddenly a little dart with a fuzzy red butt poked into my chest.
Tranquilizer rifles... Of course... I've played enough zoo tychoon to know that they'll probably put me into a box once I'm passed out. Unfortunately for them, I'm a sex raptor and therefore it takes a LOT of tranquilizers to bring me down! I'm no light weight!
As if on cue, about half a dozen more tranquilizers burrowed themselves into various parts of my body and I started feeling woozy. As my vision faded and I started teetering forward I was able to mumble one last thing. "Fuck on a chicken sandwich." Then everything went black.
I woke up later. I have this bad habit of waking up in weird places, and this was no exception. The small amount of light revealed that I was indoors. I stood up and felt around the small room I was in. Yep, it looked like they put me in a box... What the hell?! Of course, then I heard footsteps from outside a small window built into the side. I quickly put my head near the opening to try to see out.
Pretty much all I could see was a narrow hallway lit by a single torch and patrolled by a gryphon guard. Looks like I'm not really in a box, it's more like a prison cell. Meh, might as well be a box. "Hey guard!" I said without really thinking about it.
The gryphon turned and looked at me before getting a little closer. "Shut up!"
Wow, are all guards dickbags? Maybe we could be friends if they weren't so mean. What did I do? I mean, aside from the obvious. "Not until you answer a few questions for me."
"What makes you think I would answer shit for you?"
Does he not know that I could literally destroy his brain? "Listen here bud because I'm not going to warn you again. I've listened to the song 'Friday' by Rebecca Black, and though I shutter to think what would happen to your brain if I were to start singing that, I won't hesitate to if provoked. Now then here's your options, either you can answer my questions and I'll be quiet or I'll literally FUCK YOU IN THE MIND with my singing! Take your choice."
The guard just glared at me for a second before smiling. "Hehe, you're funny. What kind of questions do you have?"
Well that was easy, I could have sworn he was going to make me sing it. Thank god that I didn't have to, that song belongs in the deepest recesses of hell and no mortal should ever be exposed to it for any reason. "First off, where is this?"
"Well you're in the prison under the arena obviously!"
"The arena?" I have a bad feeling about where this is going.
"Well duh, you broke the law so now you have to fight in the arena." He said this so nonchalantly, it must be common knowledge around here. Well looks like I'm gonna' be role playing a gladiator today.
"Ok, so when does this arena thing start?"
The guard tapped his chin and thought for a while. "It should be about two hours, you'll probably go first. It's not every day we get to watch a dragon get slaughtered in there, everyones gonna' like that!"
"You underestimate my power!" The guard just looked at me like I was stupid. It looks like the reference was lost on him. Sad day when no one understands the thousands of references I use constantly.
"Yeah whatever. Now that I answered your questions will you kindly shut your mouth?" We did have a deal.
"K."
Then I got to thinking. How am I gonna' get out of this one? I wonder if they caught Steve. Probably not, he probably just hid in the building or something while they dragged me off. He didn't really do anything anyways. Maybe he'll even save me... Again! Whatever, perhaps the arena will be fun. In fact, I'm positive it will be. Fun fun fun!
Fun fun fun fun fun fun fun fun fun fun fun fun fun fun fun fun fun fun fun fun fun fun fun fun fun fun fun fun fun fun fun fun fun fun fun fun fun fun fun fun fun fun fun fun fun fun fun fun fun fun fun fun fun fun fun fun fun fun fun fun fun fun fun fun fun fun fun fun fun fun fun fun fun fun fun fun fun fun fun fun fun fun fun!
I stopped my inner fun monologue when a thought popped into my head. 'If I'm gonna be a gladiator I need a theme song!' The next two hours was spent with me thinking of what song to use.
Time passed and I was sitting on the floor quietly humming to myself. I put on my sunglasses quite a while ago because I knew the most important thing about being a gladiator is looking cool. Then the floor below me suddenly started raising, along with the ceiling. I looked up to see it go up a little ways and then part to let in a stream of sunlight. Huh, I guess that guard wasn't kidding when he said that I was 'under the arena'. From the looks of it they just raise the cell up so soon I'll be in the arena. I guess with that they avoid dealing with angry prisoners.
Now that I could hear the shouting of what was likely hundreds of excited gryphons I knew it was time. I pulled the tiny boom box from my chest cavity and picked up the keytar that I had asked the economy for. The economies a cool guy so he accepted my request and he sent me one from subspace that was made almost entirely out of energon.
Once the platform raised up all the way I could see the details of the arena. It was literally just a big round area with a sand floor. The whole thing was surrounded by a wall about ten feet tall and a net that closed the whole place in. I guess that makes sense because otherwise gryphons could just fly away. There was also one gryphon in the arena about a hundred feet away who had just been pushed up as well and was holding a short spear in one claw and a small buckler in the other. This was apparently my opponent. Outside of the net were rows of wooden bleachers about ten high that went around the entire arena. From the looks of it there were at least a few thousand gryphons who had shown up to watch the event. Well then, I'd better give them a good show.
I picked up my keytar and turned on the boom box which started to play the drum beats for me . Before long I started playing along with my keytar like a pro before the singing part started.
"Talking away
I don't know what
I'm to say I'll say it anyway
Today's another day to find you
Shying away
I'll be coming for your love, OK?
Take on me
Take me on
I'll be gone
In a day or two
So needless to say
I'm odds and ends
But that's me stumbling away
Slowly learning that life is OK.
Say after me
It's no better to be safe than sorry
Take on me
Take me on
I'll be gone
In a day or two
Oh the things that you say
Is it life or
Just a play my worries away
You're all the things I've got to remember
You're shying away
I'll be coming for you anyway
Take on me
Take me on
I'll be gone
In a day or two"
Once I was done I looked around at the crowd who all displayed various degrees of 'wtf'. Well I guess that's not the performance they were expecting. Or should I say 'purr-formance'? Get it? Because they're part cat?! Le sigh, my jokes suck. Whatever, I regret nothing. Besides, I wasn't going to give up the chance to sing to a crowd. I'm an attention whore goddamnit!
Then I looked over to the gryphon I was supposed to be fighting. He, I assumed it was a he, looked even more confused than the other gryphons. Unfortunately, it didn't take him long to recover from his initial shock and now he was glaring at me. Yeah, he wanted me dead.
Then he started yelling as he charged at me on his back legs with his wings flared. No doubt he was looking to impale me and get this over with quickly since I don't really have any weapons. The fool forgets that I'm a super powerful sex raptor, I don't need no fancy weapons to beat a scrub like him. Also i got my key tar. Once he got within striking distance I jumped to the left and rolled a few feet before getting back onto my feet. He turned just in time to block my kick with his buckler. Hehe, If a pony kicked it then it really would be a 'buck'ler. Don't think too hard about that joke...
Although he blocked my foot, it was still enough to make him stagger backwards. With him off balance I decided to show off a little. I jumped into the air at least ten feet and did a few front flips before landing behind him. We both turned to face each other, but I was much closer now and I was easily able to slap his spear out of the way with my left claw leaving him exposed in a very non sexual way. I then smacked him across the head with my key tar before he could do anything. His head swiveled around from the force of the attack and I'm pretty sure I heard some crunching. Ouch, that looked and sounded like it really hurt. This was confirmed when he collapsed onto the ground.
The crowd of gryphons was silent for a few seconds as they realized what just happened. Clearly they had expected me to get owned since I didn't have a proper weapon. Then they started cheering. I felt like a celebrity. This was such a great feel, I knew this whole 'gladiator' thing would be fun. Then their cheering was drowned out as what sounded like an air raid siren started to go off. I've seen enough silent hill to know that whenever the air raid siren goes off shit is about to go down. Sure enough, there was the distinct sound of gun shots in the distance and the crowd started to panic.
Will shit, I was having a good time...
Yeah I made Paul sing a song, deal with it. For some reason I like that song...
Mmmmmhmm, next chapter shits about to go down.
Author's note: So I got this idea for a new story while sitting in a hotel at 2am the other night. I literally sat there giggling to myself for like 10 minutes when I thought of it, mainly because it would get disliked into the ground. So there's all those dumb stories where humans go to Equestria and turn into different stuff (I've seen like 30 different ones that are basically the same thing), so I wanted to write one about someone who turns into a big piece of shit. It would be deliciously ironic because most of those stories are shit to start with. Not that I'm really one to talk. Anyways I think it would be really funny, but I'm sure no one else would feel the same way so I'll probably never write it. If I did it would just be for the awesome trolling. Tell me your opinions on that, because I DO care!
So where were we? Oh right, in the arena with air raid sirens and everyone freaking out. Well, this is a weird situation to be in. So am I supposed to just sit here or something? I guess I could do that. Perhaps I could enjoy a cup of tea and some crumpets while I wait for something to happen. That would be an excellent idea if I had those things. It's a sad day when you realize the only possessions you have are what you're carrying inside your chest.
"Hey Paul! Stop being stupid and come here."
I looked over to see Steve up on the side of the arena trying to break through the net. Apparently he was having some trouble so I walked over to help. Now that I was closer it looked like the net was made from metal cords that were wrapped around each other like a rope. Well, I guess that would keep most people in, but I'm a sex raptor. With that said I punched the cord with my right fist... It wasn't very affective... "Ouch." Punching a metal cable might not have been the best idea.
Whatever, like I even care about pain. Pain is just weakness leaving the body. Since that didn't work I skipped straight to the big guns. And by big guns I mean the economy. "Gogo gadget economy cable cutters!" I sat there for about a minute trying to shape the energon into the correct shape, and in the end my cable cutters looked more like big scissors, but whatever. That'll do pig, that'll do.
With my new giant blue glowey scissors I was able to make short work of the net and climb out into the bleachers. "So, Steve, what's up?"
Steve kicked the ground awkwardly while he replied. "Oh not much, just hid while they dragged you off. Then I followed you here and now there's a giant monster murdering everybody." Sounds like a regular day for me.
"Monster you say? What kind of monster?"
"IDK my BFF Jill. Why don't you go look at it for yourself." Steve is always filled with good ideas.
"Sounds good." I then walked out one of the exit doors of the arena. Good thing almost all the other gryphons had already exited or it would be impossible to get out in a timely manner. Once I was outside the first thing I notices is that we clearly weren't in Aviaria anymore. The arena was positioned on a steep hill in between two large peeks. There were only a few dozen other buildings near the arena and the rest were built up onto the cliffs. The whole place was definitely a lot bigger than Aviaria. They must have shipped me here after I was captured.
Now that that's out of the way, it would have been hard not to notice the monster climbing the steep hill towards the city.
"Paul, what do your raptor eyes see?" Steve asked as he stepped beside me.
What I saw was a horrible monster. It looked like a giant dark-brown tarantula for the most part aside from what it was wearing. It had a dark red visor that covered its tiny little eyes and a large metal box with several antennas sticking out strapped onto its back. On the right side of the box there was a large mounted chain gun that was swiveling around and firing at any gryphons it could see. On the other side was what looked like a missile launcher complete with a spherical missile targeting system. Judging by the size of the holes, it probably shot quite a few small missiles, likely ground to ground. Next the creature had thin metal plates strapped onto the outer part of its legs and thicker plates that flayed outwards on the front two arms that seemed to be used as a shield for the spider's face. The front legs each ended in scythe-like blades that were about two feet long. Well, that's weird... "A spider."
"Ok." Steve seemed satisfied with that answer. Now the question is 'what to do now?'. From the looks of it the spider is being pestered by dozens of armed gryphons. Any that try to approach it on the ground are quickly sliced to pieces and the ones in the air are getting shot down by the chain gun. Several gryphons seemed to have found a blind spot on the creature, just about the gun where they were able to try to stab at it with their spears. Their weapons had little affect, but at least the creature couldn't hit them. Then it angled its abdomen downwards and started scraping against it rapidly with its back legs. The result was that some of the hairs on the creature's butt were flung off in a cone above the spider.
Normally a tarantula's hairs would hardly pierce the skin when thrown like this and would be irritating at most, but with one of that size they were like small blades. Needless to say, several of the gryphons who had thought they found a safe spot where impaled by dozens of needle-like hairs and were no longer able to fly. The rest were forced to retreat to avoid a similar fate.
While the spider drank the fallen gryphons' guts out like a delicious milkshake I had time to contemplate what was going on. First off, spiders suck. They're almost as bad as centipedes. I can't suffer one to live, especially one that big. The obvious choice is that I need to kill it, but the even more obvious question is 'how?'. The thing looks like it could go several rounds with Mike Tyson, and that guy eats ears!
Of course I never got an opportunity to think up a plan because the thing spotted me. At least I think it did, it suddenly faced towards me and started charging. In case you didn't know, spiders run really fast. Those eight legs aren't there just for show. By now it's probably too late to try to escape on Steve's back because we would just be shot down. Wilp, it looks like I'll just have to face it the way I face every enemy I ever see. Heeeeeead ooooooon (apply directly to the forehead)!
Thus the most epic battle all day started. And then the omega spider theme song started playing.
The fight started when the giant spider fired a trio of small missiles at me. I quickly ran to the right as fast as I could avoiding the missiles that arced upwards slightly before smashing into the ground and exploding where I had just been. Thank Got they weren't heat seeking, that would just be obnoxious. The next thing I knew the chain gun was pointed at me and started releasing a stream of bullets. I once again dodged to the side narrowly avoiding an untimely death by spider. Unfortunately this thing was pretty good aim and as soon as I moved the gun swiveled to follow me. My only choice was to continue moving as the bullets struck dangerously close behind me.
After running around randomly for a few seconds I jumped behind a building in the hopes that it would protect me. It didn't as the metal bullets simply cut through the walls. The one good thing is that the spider must have lost visibility as it was just shooting through the building randomly now. I got onto my belly to avoid the shots that whizzed by over my head and started channeling some economic energon into my claw. After a few moments I had a perfectly good energon sword and I was ready for battle.
I was about to get up when the building I was hiding behind suddenly exploded into thousands of small wood chunks. I looked up after a second to see that the omega spider had just charged right through the structure and was now standing a few meters in front of me. It didn't seem to notice me under the rubble and was looking around for where I went. This could work, maybe I can get a sneak attack in.
I slowly rose out of the rubble hoping the spider wouldn't notice me there. It did. As soon as I moved it turned around and lunged at me. I hardly had time to react before the spider's front leg blades were swinging at me. I managed to dodge back enough to avoid the first few swings but the thing was persistent and kept coming. After a few moments of dodging I was finally able to bring my sword up to block an attack. It didn't do much to help. Although my economy sword would normally have little trouble cutting through steal, this thing's blades were hardly even scratched from my block. What's worse is that it attacked with enough force to easily push me back. I was able to block a few more attacks but I had to take a step back each time just to keep my balance.
It became very clear that I wasn't going to win the fight this way so I decided to pull back slightly. After blocking another one of its attacks I suddenly turned around and bolted behind another nearby building. I was hoping that perhaps I could surprise it somehow and get a good enough attack in to swing the odds in my favor. Once I was behind that building I instantly sprinted towards another one. If I was going to do this, I needed for it to not know where I was. As soon as I got behind another building I heard the resulting crash of the omega spider bursting through the last building I was behind. At least it was a little ways back, maybe this would work fine.
Of course, then the spider started firing missile into random nearby buildings including the one I had just jumped behind. The result was multiple buildings crumbling in plumes of smoke and me being thrown onto my face by the force of the explosion. I looked up to see the spider firing several more missiles into buildings before it seemed to notice me getting up. Shit, this thing must have some kind of tracking device if it's able to find me that easily.
Oh well, looks like my sneaking idea isn't going to work so well. I stood up and charged at the creature as fast as I could, perhaps if I put enough force into my attack I can actually cut through something. Then my charge was cut short as the spider started firing at me again with it's chain gun. "Fucking op guns!" I yelled as I was forced to run diagonally instead of straight at it. I continued to strafe to the side as the spider charged at me. Perhaps this could work. Once it was within hitting distance of me I jumped forward and landed next to the spider's side. Without wasting any time I swung my sword as hard as I could into the closest appendage, which was one of its legs. The blade managed to cut through the thin armor on the outer part of the leg, but it didn't go in very far before it lost its momentum.
I quickly pulled the blade back and was about to swing again when the spider spun around and swung at me with its front arm. Well that's just great, the spider clearly doesn't care very much about pain. That just makes everything more difficult. Instead of trying to attack again I brought my economy sword up and blocked the attack. It pushed me back a couple of steps and as soon as I got my balance back the spider lunged at me again. This time it had its fangs bared and was trying to ram them into my chest. No doubt the poison from those things would be enough to easily paralyze me and then the fight would be as good as over.
Instead of moving back I instinctually jumped straight up to avoid the attack. This worked out quite nice as I landed on top of the spider's mid section. Yes, perhaps I can do some damage now! I quickly swung my sword at the first thing that I could see, which was the missile guidance system. My blade easily smashed through the front of the device and affectively made the missile launcher useless. I was so distracted by trying to do damage to the spider that I didn't even notice as it started scraping its back legs against its abdomen.
The result was that I got a dozen or so sharp hairs stabbed into my side. I may have tough scales, but those hairs still pierced at least a centimeter deep and man did it hurt. "AWWW FUCK ON A MARVELOUS BREADFISH!"
I was too busy screaming to notice what the spider was doing so it came as a surprise to me when we suddenly burst through another building juggernaut style. I was flung off as the monster passed straight through the collapsing structure. I quickly got to my feet only to notice that the building was collapsing in my direction. "Shit shit shit!" I yelled as I ran in the opposite direction, narrowly avoiding large chunks of wood that were falling onto the street.
As soon as I got far enough away to not be crushed I took a moment to sigh in relief and wipe the sweat off my head. "Whewf, crisis averted."
As if to mock me for thinking that I had averted anything, the spider suddenly climbed up onto the remains of the ruined building and started firing missiles at me. Well, not really at me, without the targeting system they just flew off willy nilly in random directions. Some blew up across the remains of the town and one even flew up and exploded on the side of the mountain knocking several buildings down. Ouch, sucks to be gryphons right now...
Once it realized that missiles were out of the question it switched back to the chain gun that it seemed to love oh so much. I, on the other hand, hate that thing. Always shooting bullets like it owns the place... Who does it think it is? As I ran to the side to avoid the bullets I realized something very important. I feel stupid for not realizing this before. The spider's abdomen isn't covered by any armor! That's very obviously its weak point, and if I've learned anything from giant enemy crabs it's that you can attack weak points for massive damage.
I continued running around dodging the bullets as I looked around for something to exploit. Unfortunately just about every building in the area was reduced to a flaming pile of debris. Even the arena was mostly destroyed by now. It looks like I'd just have to do this the old fashion way. I started charging energon into my other claw as I ran around. By the sound of it, the spider was easily gaining on me. Once it was close enough to start striking at me I turned around and jumped with all my might allowing me to easily fly over it. As soon as I landed I wasted no time in using the charged energon to fire an economy laser at the spider's abdomen. The blue laser struck it right in the spinneret and burned a large swath out up to the middle of its abdomen.
I chuckled excitedly as I fired the likely fatal attack. Of course this is no ordinary human spider we're talking about, this is a giant armored death spider. Now that I think about it, I don't think Mike Tyson would stand a chance against this thing. The spider simply turned around looked at me as though it didn't even care that I just burned a huge chunk out of its butt. Chances are it doesn't care. "Well shit..." I muttered before the spider began charging at me again.
It looks like I'd have to do damage to something a bit more vital if I want to kill this thing. By now the spider was upon me again with its blade arms trying to cut me into little pieces. It seemed to really want me dead. I continued to try to think of a plan as I blocked attack after attack. So its face is pretty well protected from the visor and its front arms. Its legs are potentially vulnerable but it would take a lot to chop them off and I'd need to take off at least half of them before it became an issue. Its back is covered in metal that I could potentially destroy, but that wouldn't hurt it and it's hard to get at that. Its butt could be damaged, but at this rate it'll take all day to do enough to kill it that way. By then I might slip up and get chopped in half or shot or something.
Then I thought of the one place that I haven't tried attacking yet. The belly! I glanced under the spider's front arms briefly between its attacks and sure enough there was a bit of room between it and the ground. Now then, how am I supposed to even get at its belly?
I briefly contemplated different routes that I could go. The front is too protected, it would likely hit me with its blades or bite me if I try to go that way. I could try the back door (hehe) but the abdomen is dragged pretty close to the ground and if I'm back there it would be easier to just attack its butt anyways. It looks like the only option is the sides.
Without thinking too much more about it I jumped to the right and rolled, coming up next to the spider's legs. Before it could do anything I ran in between two of its legs and slashed upwards through its belly all the way until I emerged from in between its legs on the other side. The result was a huge gash from one end to the other that was now streaming out black goo onto the ground. I ran a little ways away before turning to see how much damage my attack did.
By now the spider had collapsed onto the ground, making an angry hissing sound. It was flailing with its legs but the cut down its midsection seemed to be keeping it from doing much of anything. I could probably just leave it there to die at this point, but no reason to take any chances. Besides, if I've learned anything from Naxxramas it's that giant spiders drop loot when you kill them.
I approached the spider cautiously as it continued to flail and hiss. It seemed too distracted right now to even shoot me with its chain gun. I guess the least I could do is put it out of its misery. Unfortunately I don't have a shotgun or I'd totally reenact the end of old yeller. Instead I had to suffice with simply stabbing my economy sword into its face. It continued to hiss for a few seconds before it finally went limp.
Woot, I killed a giant spider! I turned around and jumped into the air. "I am victory!" As I landed Steve ran up next to me.
"Woah, that was close. We almost didn't make it!" Fucking Steve trying to take credit for my kill.
"Nope, you didn't even help!"
"I was there for emotional support. If anything I deserve most of the credit for this because without me you'd probably be a crying mess in the arena right now." Awww what a dick.
"Pshhh whatever." I looked around to see the ruins of what used to be quite a few gryphon buildings. "Perhaps we should leave before the locals kick our shit."
"That's probably the best idea you've had in the past few days."
"Hey, I'm the pretty one, you're the idea man!" I'm damn sexy.
Our witty conversation was interrupted as the spider began to glow blue. "Shit, come on! I thought it was dead!" I was gonna' be really pissed if it suddenly revived and I had to fight it again or something. Knowing my luck it'll probably be stronger the second time. Then the entire thing began to raise into the air, just the metal stuff seemed to evaporate.
"Thank you for freeing me." What the fuck?! Now it talks?!??! "I've been trapped under the affect of the mind control for hundreds, maybe even thousands of years now."
I really didn't know how to respond. "Umm, K. No problem."
"After Celestia and Luna's betrayal I've been under their control." Oh so those dicks sent this thing after me? Fucking ponies always trying to kill me and shit... "Of course, even now I can't bring myself to stay mad at them. They are my greatest creation. That's why I ask you to destroy them for me." Ummm what?
"Sorry bro, but I wasn't really planning on doing that."
"Pleaaaase!" The giant spider floating before me seemed to give its best puppy dog eyes. Maybe that would have worked if it wasn't a huge horrifying creature and I wasn't a heartless dick.
Oh well, least I could do is give it some hope. Maybe that would get it away from me. I rubbed my face for a moment before sighing. "Ok, how about this? If I go back to Equestria, I'll destroy the princesses for you."
This seemed to be good enough for the spider and it let out a 'squee'. "Thank you hero. Now then, I no longer have a place here, my place is among the stars! Farrrrewellllllll!" It yelled as it flew up into the sky. Well that was weird and overly dramatic...
"Hey Steve."
"Yeah Paul?"
"Let's never talk about this again..."
Shewf, that chapter took a while to type. It also has like literally 30 references in it. Then again, so does every other chapter.
I don't know about you but I thought the omega spider theme song was strangely fitting. I actually came up with the idea for the omega spider while playing magic 2013 on xbox with my friends. Before you judge, that game is simple and fun and there's like a million ways to troll people on it. Anyways I had like a 40/40 spider and I paused the game when I attacked and played that music through the mic for the lol's. It made the whole thing about 500% more epic. It was all great fun until he used a card to kill it... Also I listened to that song for like an hour and a half while I typed this...
Baldur's gate was pretty cool back in the day. That game taught me everything I know about jumping around constantly to move faster.
I hope you enjoyed the epic battle scene, it was hard to type.
Damnit. I just realized I didn't call it a 'spiderp' once the whole time! D:< Oh well, I'll just call it a spiderp in the title.
Paul does nothing interesting
Author's note: I'm so excitement to type the next few chapters for some raison... Unfortunate I got to take it slow or it will seem crappy.
"What the hell man! I thought you said this vault was only a little ways off!" I yelled at the stupid conch I was holding.
"It is."
"Fuck you it is! We've been flying for like two and a half hours! We're probably back in pony world by now!"
"Foolish fool, it is a little ways off in my opinion. Maybe you should have asked before we left the mountains!"
"Alright, I forgot that everything is always my fault. My mistake." I should have known better than to use sarcasm on the internet.
"Don't worry, everyone makes mistakes sometimes. Except for me because I am supreme!"
"Well don't get a big dick. Oh wait, you're a conch, you don't have one!" Hahaha I got him good.
"Foolish fool, demon lords don't have genitals!" Oh... Well I guess I was uninformed.
"Well you two shut your dumb, ugly, and most likely disease ridden mouths? I'm trying to fly here! Besides I think I see something up ahead." Fuck you too Steve. I looked up ahead to see what he was pointing at and sure enough there was a clearing in the forest. This was actually the first one we've seen in over an hour of flying, the woods out here are really thick.
"Hey yo demon man (not demoman), is that it?" Perhaps we were finally there.
"Nope. Although we're getting close that clearing is just filled with a bunch of creatures." Demon sense is op.
"A bunch of creatures you say? I don't know about you guys but I'm hungry as hell." I haven't eaten in like a day and a half. "Let's land there."
We flew forward a little ways until we were in the clearing and I'm not gonna' lie, I was shocked at what I saw. Dozens of RED spy crabs were out grazing on the grass and enjoying the midday sun. "What the capital FUCK on a dump truck?! Where did those come from?"
"Well I'd assume that when a mommy one of those things and a daddy one of those things love each other very much, they do the special hug." Fuck you Steve, I don't need to know how babies are made. I practically invented making babies!
"I think there was only one of those things originally, now from the looks of it there's at least a few dozen. Oh well, let's land there, I'm hungry." So we did, Steve landed in the middle of the field. The nearby spy crabs didn't seem to even notice us there as they continued eating their grass. I was too hungry to think about it too hard right now. Without wasting any more time I jumped on a nearby spy crab and sliced its neck open with my foot claws, the thing didn't even put up much of a fight. I then ate its skin. Needless to say it was delicious.
This seemed to shock the rest of the spy crabs out of their grazing and they all turned towards me. Without any warning they all started yelling. "MERDE MERDE MERDE MERDE!!!"
"Awww what the hell?!" I turned and looked at Steve. "Are you seeing this?!"
"I don't think they're very happy with you eating their friend."
"Yeah, I can understand that, but they don't have to be so annoying about it." We had to shout our conversation over the constant screams of the spy crabs. You know what, they are being really annoying, I'm about to choke a bitch! And by 'a' I mean 'lots of' and by 'bitch' I mean 'spy crabs' and by 'choke' I mean 'disembowel'. I was getting ready to jump into the fray when I heard more shouting coming from the forest around us. I listened in closely and sure enough it was more spy crabs, easily distinguishable by their unique call.
"Hey Steve."
"Yeah Paul?"
"This whole place is about to turn into a massive spy crab gang bang..." As soon as I said that hundreds more spy crabs started to slowly emerge from the forest all around us. Now their constant screaming was getting intolerable. Like my head was literally starting to hurt. It didn't help that they were all smoking too, there was just smoke everywhere. I even saw one spy crab with like forty cigarettes stuffed into his mouth. Hehe, gentlemen.
"MERDE MERDE MERDE MERDE MERDE!"
"Oh my Got will you shut up!" I yelled but it was easily drowned out. I began to rub my face, this was even more annoying then when twelve year-olds try to be funny on the mic. It was almost like they sensed my anguish as they all suddenly stopped screaming at once. This was either really good or really bad. I expected them to charge at any moment now, that's usually what happens in these kinds of situations.
I was pleasantly surprised when that didn't happen and instead a dark gray pony with black hair and a pony skull ass tattoo came out of the forest along with a large zombie monster. It wasn't hard to distinguish them as the necromancer and Stephen. Note to self, ask the necromancer for his name again, calling him that is just stupid.
"Hey necro bud! Didn't expect to see you here."
"I could say the same thing, what are you doing disturbing my spy crabs?"
"Well we were just flying by and we saw them and I was pretty hungry. Now what do you mean your spy crabs?"
"I'm their leader and I'd appreciate if you wouldn't eat them." Wait what the hell?!
"How are you their leader, also where did they even come from? I thought there was only one spy crab."
"There was only one, they reproduce a-sexually." That explains everything... "All I had to do was show my dominance and now they all follow me unquestioningly. I'm even getting them to build me a castle!"
"Hmmm, that's pretty cool, but I have something even cooler. Ooooh, let me introduce you to my friends first. This here is demonic conch, he's a lemon demon lord trapped inside a conch shell body."
"Foolish mortal! I will flay your skin and use it as a blanket for my delicate shell!"
"Shut up conch man, he's a lich and the other one is a zombie, they're both immortal." He would probably be more intimidating if he wasn't a sea shell.
"What the fuck?! Is everyone here immortal?!?!"
I looked around for a bit. "Yep, pretty much." I then turned back to the necromancer. "And you remember Steve, the fish you brought back to life and that I beat you to death with."
"You turned him into a robot unicorn?"
"Of course!" What else would I turn him into?
"Wait a second, did you die Paul?" Ummm, that's a weird question.
"Idk.... Why?"
"Cause you look like a lich." I couldn't help but think of Samuel Jackson yelling 'Does he look like a bitch?!'.
"What? How can you even tell?"
"Don't ask me! I just can, ok? I have tingly lich senses, you probably do too, you're just too stupid to notice. You clearly died and then revived at some point!" I thought about it for a little while and remembered that time I woke up underground.
"Now that I think about it, I think I did die..." The necromancer face hoofed when I said this. Not my fault I didn't connect the dots, at the time my brain was bleeding everywhere and it hurt like hell."Enough about that, we're going to some super cool vault that's around here or something, you want to come?"
The necromancer's eyes widened when I mentioned a vault. "I know just what you're talking about, unfortunately I haven't been able to break into it. The door is made of solid metal."
"Pshhhh solid metal, I could break that in my sleep." Sleep is for idiot heads. "How far is it?"
The necromancer pointed towards the woods. "It's about four miles that way."
We were about to begin walking when I remembered something. "Wait a second! You still haven't told us your name! I'm not opening any vaults until you tell us! Calling you 'the necromancer' got old like ten years ago."
He rubbed his face like he was really reluctant to say his name. "Alright, my name is Dance Blaster." He turned his head away as if he was in shame.
"That's one of the coolest names I've ever heard..." I thought he'd have a stupid name like 'XxNecroSkullxX' or something.
"Really? You're not going to make fun of me for it?"
"I could, but why do you expect me to?"
"Because my name has nothing to do with my cutie mark." I assume he's talking about his ass tattoo. "All the other ponies have names that correspond with their special talent and cutie mark for some reason so they all made fun of me about it for years. That's why I left Ponyville to come and live in the forest almost five years ago."
Hmm, looks like suddenly another OC character has a backstory... Shit... "Well that's a cool story and all, but I feel like you are the only pony I've met so far with a name that isn't stupid. Now come on you little scamp, we have a vault to open!"
I turned and started walking in the direction he pointed and the others followed me. "Go team sex raptor!"
"What! That's just stupid, we aren't team sex raptor!!!"
"Oh really Steve, then what are we?"
"How about team awesome!?"
"I like that." Said Dance master. Now they're teaming up on me.
"Much too cliche, if we're gonna' be a team we need to be original."
"Team murder!"
"I like the way you think demon conch, but that might give the wrong impression. Same reason we can't be 'team baby rape train' or something. People will hear that and they'll flip shit." Then I got a great idea for a team name. "How about 'team we aren't the bad guys'!"
"That's just awful. I hate you for even coming up with that and I curse the fact that I'm not creative enough to think of anything else right now, so we'll just go with that." Good enough for me.
Yeah, I'll cut that off there. Shorter chapter I know, but I have some idea about what I want to happen and I want to do it right. Next time, to the vault!!!!!!!
Sorry, I don't think this one was very funny. Oh well...
Paul explores the 'vault'
Author's note: I typed the first half of this when I should have been asleep. God knows my brain was asleep during that...
"So I pulled the bicycle out of his anus and apologized. It was an accident after all." I finished my story. With nothing better to do while walking through the woods we had started telling humorous stories to pass the time. Sure it was only a four mile walk, but I need to be entertained constantly.
"Oh, that reminds me of this one time before medical school. I was swimming around the great barrier reef randomly minding my own business when suddenly a barracuda comes out of nowhere. So everyone is all hiding and stuff, then suddenly it murders some guy's wife and eats all their eggs except one. Anyways, the guy built his nest on the side of the cliff where it was exposed so I go up to him and I'm like 'what did you eggspect?'. Unfortunately he thought the jokes was in BAD TASTE! Hahaha, get it? Because it ate his egg children? Hehe, I'm horrible but I don't even care." Steve finished. That sounds strangely familiar to a movie I think I watched once, but I can't think of what it was called.
"I'm confused. First off, from what I know the great barrier reef was next to Australia and it's out in the ocean. I'm going to assume that it's just a coincidence that these two reefs share a name and instead I'm going to ask how you were in a corral reef when those are in salt water and trouts are fresh water fish. From what you told me you lived in a river." I think trouts are fresh water fish... I don't know anything about fish.
"Magic." Damn it, I hate that answer.
"I find the very concept of magic to be both childish and unrealistic. With that said I won't accept your answer."
"But Paul, if magic doesn't exist how did you reincarnate Steve here?" Stupid Dance Blaster trying to bring logic into an argument about magic.
"I don't know, you're the one who told me how to do it. For all I know this robot here could just be a really good actor and he's making me believe that he's Steve so that I take him with me on my epic adventures. That's about as likely as magic in my opinion. Or maybe you have some really powerful technology that would appear to be magic to the naked eye and you're using it to troll me." I'm not paranoid.
"Next you're gonna' say that I'm secretly a government agent sent by Celestia to spy on you." Said Steve, the sarcasm was apparent in his voice.
"It could happen, how do I know you're not a spy?"
"I'm not even going to waste time explaining all the reasons that you can tell that I'm not a spy, the most obvious of which being that you built me and that I saved your life."
"Acceptibru."
"How do you not believe magic exists? I've seen you do magic multiple times!"
"Yeah!" Chimed in Dance Blaster.
"That's not magic. That's me summoning the awesome powers of the economy from subspace and bending them to my will. That's clearly nothing even remotely like magic."
The robot pony and necromancer pony both sighed defeatedly. I'm far too stubborn to be persuaded on the matter. Magic is stupid and non realistic therefore it doesn't exist. Simple as that. Sex raptors on the other hand are smart and realistic so they do exist.
"Lemon-aid is the only true magic!" We just ignored the demon conch, except Steve who can't hear him and Stephen who just doesn't give a shit about anything because he's a zombie.
"Fine, ignore me. We're here anyways." I looked around a bit and sure enough there was a rock formation with a large metal door stuck into it.
"Cool beans. Now let's bust this shit open and take a gander inside." I walked up to the thing and examined it for a way in. It was pretty much just a solid, silver metal slab set into a metal doorway built into the stone. The only thing that really distinguished it as being a door were the hinges on one side. By the looks of it the thing probably opened using hydraulics, but I have no idea how to activate whatever mechanism would turn that on. Instead I went with the simple approach, using the economy.
Now you might think I solve all my problems with the economy, and now that I think of it I pretty much do. But that's just because it's so useful. Now shut up and let me explain what I did here. I channeled it into a short blade, just long enough to stab through the whole width of the door. I had to guess how thick it was, for all I know it's like four feet thick.... Then we'll be here all day cutting through it.
With such a short blade I was able to more easily put more energy into it. With that said, I plunged my economy knife into the door. It slid in slowly as the metal was offering quite a bit of resistance. I have to admit it was forged pretty well if it's able to withstand economy energon so well. Most things can't. I continued to slice the door for a few minutes until I cut out a large rectangle in the middle of it. Once that was done I reared up and kicked the chunk I had cut out. Luckily my guess was correct and I had cut through the entire width of the door so the chunk flew forward as I kicked it.
I looked back at the group and realized that Stephen wouldn't even close to be able to fit into the small hole I cut. Unfortunately he's the only one who's really all that useful in a fight. I guess demonic conch could be useful with his mind raping abilities, but whatever. "I'll go in and try to figure out how to open the door, you guys stay out here."
"K." I'm pretty sure they were glad to not go into the dark creepy vault full of unknown horrors. I'm a lone wolf anyways.
I crawled into the opening and immediately my eyes adjusted to the dark. The only light inside was coming from the hole I just made. Right now I was in a hallway thing that went down about two stories and then seemed to level out. Before going down I looked at the walls to see if there was any way to open the door from the inside. Sure enough there were several buttons on a panel. I started pushing them willy nilly but they didn't seem to do anything. By my guess, the power in this place isn't turned on.
New objective, turn on the power. I quickly walked down the stairs and started walking down the hall looking for anything that would help me figure out how to turn on the power. About halfway down the hall I found a map on the wall of the 'facility'. Perhaps this isn't simply a vault after all. From the looks of it the hall I'm in flares out into several different halls that lead to different stuff. The whole place isn't very big so it shouldn't take too long to get there. I just have to keep going and then take the first right and walk past the 'bio research lab'. Yeah, definitely not a vault...
I started walking again, happy that I now knew where I was going. I even began to whistle to myself. Normally I assume that someone would be scared of walking around alone in a dark, underground, abandoned research facility, but I doesn't afraid of anything. After a short amount of walking I turned right and started to go down another hall. It was all fun and games until I heard a faint clicking noise coming down the hall from in front of me.
This is the part in every horror movie where the protagonist just stands there waiting for the clicking to get close so they can see what it is. With that said, I played the part perfectly. I just stood there. Even with my ability to see in the dark it's pretty hard to see anything with such a small amount of light so I had to wait till the thing got pretty close. That didn't take long though and soon I was able to see the metal spider thing crawling at me. Its body was about a foot long and it had long sharp legs that made clinking sounds every time they struck the floor.
I just continued to stare at it until it stopped a few feet from me. It simply stayed still for a few moments and if I didn't know any better I'd say it was examining me somehow. The thing didn't have any devices on it that could act as eyes so I'm not sure exactly how that works. Whatever, I'm not going to sit here dilly dallying all day just because some robot spider decided to be an idiot. I was about to try to slip past it when it suddenly let out some kind of alarm. It was pretty much just a loud, high-pitched siren that echoed in the tight hallways.
That thing was really annoying and I think I acted appropriately when I kicked out and smashed the front of it in. It started to release sparks but the siren was still going. What's worse, another leg came out of its back, but this one had a circular saw on the end. Before it could do anything with it I kicked it again, this time in the side. My kick was enough to launch it into a nearby wall where it broke apart. Thankfully the siren stopped. With any luck, no one heard it.
I took a few more steps down the hall when I started hearing clinking again, just there was a lot more of it and it was coming from behind me. I turned around only to see a horde of robot spiders similar to the one I just killed crawling at me. There were at least fifty of them and they were even on the walls and ceiling.
"AHHHH!" I'm not embarrassed to admit that I was pretty startled by that. Who wouldn't be? I quickly picked up the robot spider I had just destroyed and tossed it down the hall at the group. "Take your shit! I don't want it anyways!" This did little to slow them down and they continued to advance at me. Now that they were closer I could see that they had all manner of sharp objects attached to appendages coming from their backs. With nothing better to do I quickly sprinted down to the end of the hallway where I saw another thick metal door.
Crap! I don't have time to break through another door, the spiders are gonna' catch up to me in less than a minute. I tried kicking the door in but that just resulted in my foot hurting really bad. Since that didn't work I looked around the wall and saw a glass panel that was labeled 'emergency door unlock' right next to another panel with several buttons on it. It only makes sense they would put something like that on the door to the generator room. I quickly punched through the glass and pulled the lever down as hard as I could. The result was a loud 'click' from the door. With that done I put my shoulder against the door and pushed it open as hard as I could.
It slowly creaked open, but it was heavy and the hinges could definitely use a good oiling. As soon as it was open enough I jumped inside and pushed it closed behind me. Woo I'm safe now. I quickly looked around the room just to make sure, usually when I think I'm safe something horrible pops out or something. With that said I got to work figuring out how to turn on the generator. Shortly after I entered, the robot spiders had reached the door and were now trying to bust through it with little success. Thankfully it was pretty heavy or they would have probably pushed it open by now. I'm just hoping they aren't smart enough to figure out that they can just all push on it and it'll come open.
Instead of waiting to see how intelligent they are, I got to work. And by got to work I mean I went over to a fuse box on the wall. It required a key to open, but it wasn't made of that hardened silver metal that the doors are made of. It was just regular old iron. Because of this I was able grasp the side with my claws and kick off of the wall until I eventually just broke off the locking mechanism. The small, now bent, door swung open revealing several rows of switches.
With no better ideas I started switching them each off and then on. After going through a few of them I heard a humming sound coming from an engine behind me. Looks like I got the generator to turn on again. I flipped the rest of the switches just for good measure before walking over to the engine in the middle of the room. The humming slowly got louder until it was pretty loud. I guess that just means it's working.
After a few moments the light started to flicker on. "Success!" I yelled while jumping into the air. New objective, go open the outside door for the others. Ok, that one might be hard. How the heck am I supposed to do anything with those robot spiders out there? I looked around the room until I saw another glass panel on the wall. This one had a fire extinguisher and a big red fire axe in it. Why would they even put an axe in there? It's not like you can cut through the doors if there is a fire...
Whatever, I'll take what I can get. I busted the axe out and turned towards the door. Looks like the only way is to fight my way out. No big deal. I walked over to the side of the door and saw another panel with buttons. With any luck now this will work at least. I pushed the biggest button and sure enough the door slid open revealing a group of spider robots trying to stab through it. I wasted no time in swinging my axe low at the closest ones. The axe easily stabbed through the first spider and the force of my swing allowed me to crush the two next to it.
I brought my axe up for another attack but instead had to take a step back as the robots began jumping through the door. With a little bit more room I was able to get a few more swings in which were each fatal to at least one robot. They had numbers but they were pretty terrible at fighting. Their only tactic seemed to be running at their target and poking randomly with their weapons. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't want them to poke me, but they were predictable.
With that said I was able to continually swing my weapon and kick them without taking any bodily damage. Within about a minute they were all reduced to lumps of scrap metal and I was feeling pretty good. I just owned an entire group of robot spiders. Hell yeah!
Now that that is done, I leaned my axe against my shoulder and walked down the hallway while whistling to myself. I may be alone here, but that doesn't mean I can't act like a complete badass. I stopped as soon as I got next to the door to the 'bio research lab'. Curiosity is victorious once again, I just had to check out what was in there. I pushed a button and the door opened on its own. Inside was a dimly lit room with a bunch of glass pods of some kind stationed against a wall. Surprisingly, everything wasn't covered in dust even though it seems like nothing has been in here in a long time. The facility probably has some kind of air filtration system.
I walked over to a nearby desk and noticed a large poster on the wall. Strangely, it showed pictures of ponies. There seemed to be four different kinds of ponies on the picture. According to it there were 'normal' ponies, 'winged' ponies, 'horned' ponies, and 'tentacle' ponies. Underneath each picture was a more detailed picture showing its anatomy. The tentacle ponies seemed to be almost the same as normal ponies, but they had two pairs of tentacles jutting out of their sides where a pegasus' wings would be. Next to that poster was another poster that showed two ponies. One with a horn and wings, the other with a horn, wings, and a tentacles extending from behind the wings.
Ok, this is kinda' weird. I then turned around to look at the pods. At first I thought they just had strange lumps in them, but closer inspection revealed that they were tentacle ponies. They looked almost exactly like normal ponies except their bottom jaw was set slightly lower and they seemed to have sharp teeth, not to mention the tentacles. I looked at the rest of the pods and noticed that the two on the end were smashed open and there were no signs of bodies anywhere.
"NOPE NOPE NOPE!" I said as I turned and left the room, closing the door behind me. I want no part in that.
With that said I made my way back to the main door. Once I was there I pushed a button on the inside and the door slid open revealing the rest of the group just hanging around there. "Don't worry guys, I did all the work. Now let's explore this thing."
"It took you long enough, we had to wait for like half an hour!"
"Well excuuuuuse me princess. I had to find my way around in the dark, fix the power supply, and then fight an army of robot spiders."
"Yeah yeah, excuses."
"Shut your face or I'm gonna' reprogram you to kiss boys!" Hehe, that shut him up. "Alright, go team friendship explosion!"
"That ones new." Said Dance Blaster.
"Yep, I just thought of it." After saying that I turned around and walked through the now-open door with the others following behind. Stephen had to crouch down slightly to fit inside, but he managed. We went a little ways until we got to the map again. I looked at it more closely this time and noticed that there was a room literally called 'robot spider storage'. Well that explains where all of those came from... Down a different hall was a room labeled 'weapon storage'. Aside from that there were a few research labs, a sleeping area, and a cafeteria. I didn't much like the idea of eating food that's been sitting here for who knows how many years, so the only other place to go was the weapon storage room.
It was down the second hall to the left so we went there. Thankfully it looked like I cleared all the robot spiders out so we didn't see any more patrolling the halls. Not that they were all that bad, they were just annoying. Once we got to the weapon room I simply pushed the button and the door opened. You'd think they would have some security protocol or something so not just anyone can walk into here. Oh well, I'm not gonna' complain about that.
Once we were inside we all stopped in our tracks. I pulled the sunglasses out of my chest cavity, and put them on just so that I could pull them off. "Mother of Got..." There sitting in the middle of the room was six apache helicopters, the most epic helicopters of all time.
The room was basically just a big open area with some other weapons on the walls. It had a high roof that looked like it opened up. I confirmed this when I found a switch that opened the ceiling. The large ceiling doors moved upwards before swinging out, easily pushing any dirt and trees out of the way. Well I guess today wasn't a complete waste. "Hey Dance Blaster. You think the spy crabs can fly pilot these?"
Meanwhile, back in Canterlot castle.
"Captain OC pony, ready your battalion. We need to destroy the creatures in the forest before they become a threat."
"Yes princess!" Saluted captain OC pony. "We'll march into battle no later than tomorrow morning."
That awkward moment when you end up making the chapter twice as long as you expected. Then again 95% of the stuff that happens is stuff that I think of while typing so it's pretty hard to plan that shit. Anyways, the spider research facility has apache helicopters which are cooler than cake imo.
It was in the early morning and captain OC pony stood atop the hill in his most decorative armor. It was the ordinary golden armor of the royal guard, but with a fancier helmet and a long red cape that matched the red furred crest atop his helmet. All in all he felt pretty good. He was leading an army against Equestria's enemy, no doubt he would be honored greatly should he succeed. There was no doubt in his mind that he would be victorious, the scouts had been examining the forest creatures that he was to face and they don't seem so strong. Surely his forces would make short work of the invaders.
To his right was a guard pony bearing the flag of Equestria, a depiction of the princesses going in a circle. Behind him was his battalion of guards. One thousand ponies in total, all wearing their golden armor and standing in formation. They represented almost half of Canterlot's total forces. The other half were commanded by Shining Armor or the princesses. Sure there were a few hundred guards stationed at the other cities, but Canterlot was the capital as well as the military hub of Equestria. Either way, none of that was important. This was his chance to shine, the princesses trusted him with this, not Shining Armor.
The ponies stood in the field below Canterlot waiting for the first warming rays of the sun to shine over the horizon. Captain OC pony knew that it would be best to wait till it was light enough to see before he tries to engage the enemy. Ponies have particularly poor night vision and for all he knows these creature's he's facing might see just fine in the dark. Either way, as soon as he saw the sun he knew it was time to march.
Turning back to the crowd he took a moment to gaze out over their still forms. He never would get over how great it felt to command such an army. "Soldiers, today we march against the creatures that have made their home in the Everfree forest! We cannot let them bring harm to Equestria! Fret not my fellow ponies, Celestia is watching over us!" All the guards cheered as he finished his small speech.
Without another word he turned and marched forward down the hill with the others following behind him still in formation. They continued to march until they got close to the forest, they wouldn't be able to stay in formation once they got inside which would make things more difficult. Captain OC pony had no experience fighting in a forest, ponies always preferred to fight in fields or cities or such, but how hard could it be?
He was about to give the order for his troops to continue marching when he heard a faint rumbling coming from up ahead. Instead of saying anything he continued to listen to hopefully figure out what it was. As it got louder he started to worry a little bit, it sounded like a stampede. A herd of cows would be really inconvenient right now. Then again, by the sound of it, it was moving too slow to be cows. What else could it possibly be?
By now the stamping was perfectly audible out in the field and the guards were starting to look around nervously.
"Hold!" Yelled captain OC pony, just to make sure none of the guards try to break rank or anything. Then they got their first look at the enemy. It was a strange red thing that was walking awkwardly on two legs and had its arms bent in a strange way above its head. It wasn't even that big, and its arms looked too lanky to hurt very badly. "Hahaha, is that it? I thought we were actually going to have to try!" Taunted the captain. The nearby guards all laughed at this.
Then more and more of the creatures started emerging from the forest. The guards stopped laughing as they saw a literal tide of spy crabs slowly charging at them leaving a trail of smoke in their wake. By the looks of it, there were at least two thousand of them. The ponies were outnumbered. Captain OC pony still doubted their fighting ability though, now that they were closer he could see that their eyes were all looking around in random directions. They probably lacked any intelligence.
Once they were close enough, the captain decided to take the fight to them. "CHAAAAARGE!" He yelled at the top of his lungs. He started running at the enemy and was closely followed by all of his earth pony guards. The unicorns started firing their long range spell from their horns while the pegasus stayed behind. This was something that was taught to all the unicorn guards. It is basically just a concentrated burst of magic that they are able to shoot pretty far. They can shoot off a few of these, taking out enemies from long range, before they run out of magic and join the melee.
Once the unicorns are done firing the pegasus fly forward quickly and attack enemies from above while the earth ponies prefer attacking everything head on. As the ponies continued to charge the first wave of colorful magic bolts arced over them and rained down on the advancing enemy. They hit with enough force to knock over the spy crabs or even knock them out. Several more volleys were launched off before the majority of the unicorns were out of power and started charging themselves only to be followed by the wave of pegasus who took to the air.
Time seemed to slow down for captain OC pony as they finally clashed with the enemy. All other sound seemed to be drowned out by his heartbeat as adrenalin took over. He soon found himself kicking at any spy crab that came near. They, for the most part, weren't all that good at fighting, but some of them were getting some noticeably painful kicks and punches off on his soldiers. One even managed to hit him pretty hard in the side. It received a buck to the face for its effort causing the spy crab to fly back in an almost comical way.
They continued fighting like this for about five minutes and the ponies seemed to be winning. By now there were boo boos, ouchies, and bruises everywhere, though there weren't many casualties. There weren't a lot of deaths since neither party was using weapons.
Another spy crab came at captain OC pony. He simply stood up on his back legs and kicked it in the chest with his front hoof. It took a few steps back from the blow before being bucked in the head from a flying pegasus. After a few seconds it got back up. The captain was about to attack it again, but it turned and began scuttling away. Looking around it seemed that all the spy crabs were in full retreat back to the forest. Only the ones that had been knocked out were still present.
"YEAAAAAAH!" All of the ponies began to cheer at their victory and not even the captain could help feeling excited. This was his first major victory! He'd been aching to show the princesses his worth ever since the whole changeling thing and now he won an important battle that would surely leave the enemy sufficiently bruised to keep them from coming back any time soon.
Some of the ponies were even still attacking the retreating spy crabs, just doing as much damage as possible. This ended as suddenly all the spy crabs disappeared in clouds of smoke. This was strange enough to cause many of the cheering ponies to stop and instead look around at their comrades to see if they had any idea how the spy crabs just vanish. Eventually they all quieted down and most of the confused ponies' eyes settled on the captain who was equally confused. They were clearly looking for answers.
He was trying to figure out what just happened when he heard a strange noise in the distance. Turning his ears towards the forest he was able to hear it slightly clearer. To him it sounded reminiscent of a fan, but much larger if he could hear it from all the way in the forest. Most of the guards seemed to have forgotten their confusion about where the spy crabs went and were now listening to the noise as it gradually got louder.
Then a pegasus guard from above yelled out. "I think I see something coming up over the trees!"
Captain OC pony wasn't sure what to expect, he'd never heard of anything that makes that noise before. He didn't have to wonder for long before large things flew up over the tree line. They were strange to say the least. First off, they were flying, but they didn't have any pegasus pulling them. He couldn't understand how the strangely shaped things could possibly stay in the air, the small wings on their sides didn't even flap. He also wasn't sure what their purpose was or why they were even here. They didn't look dangerous as they had no claws and from the looks of it, no mouth.
Even lacking these things they were intimidating, though, as the roar they made was like nothing they had heard before. This was enough to keep the pegasus from simply charging the large black and dark brown flying things. The guard ponies just stared at them in a mixture of fear and curiosity as they continued to get closer.
Then the air was filling with a loud cracking sound and several of his soldiers screamed out in pain. He looked around to see that ponies were falling left and right, the strange creatures seemed to be attacking somehow. Without warning a barrage of fireballs suddenly fired out of the flying things and flew at the guards. Captain OC pony was about to yell a warning when the fire impacted the ground and erupted in large explosions all around him. The shock wave from the blasts was enough to singe his fur and he could hardly hear his soldier's screaming over the ringing in his ears.
He knew this fight was over now, He couldn't face an unknown enemy this powerful. "RETREAT! RETREAT!" He started yelling as loud as he could. This wasn't entirely necessary as most of the soldiers were already running away at full speed.
The helicopters continued firing after them until they ran up over the hill on the other side of the field.
I was having a great day. Not only because I was flying a fucking apache helicopter, but also because I found a cake on the seat when I got in. Against my better judgement, I quickly devoured the treat that was likely hundreds if not thousands of years old. I was pleasantly surprised to find that it tasted like delicious rainbows and magical explosions. Steve was my co-pilot while the rest of the helicopters were piloted by spy crabs. The controls were pretty simple, simple enough for a spy crab at least. We were flying around getting the hang of it when suddenly Dance Blaster's voice came on over the mic.
"We have ponies engaging spy crabs approximately two clicks south of your position."
"I read you, moving in to engage. You heard him everyone, look alive! All copters check in."
"Stink weed standing by!" Yelled one spy crab over the mic.
"Rape train standing by!"
"Weegee standing by!"
"Bear in the big blue house standing by!"
"Red penis standing by!" The spy crabs all thought that name was really funny and started chuckling to themselves.
"That's not funny! Not even a little bit!" Ok, it was pretty funny. Truth is I was slightly jell-us I hadn't thought of a cooler name like that first. I named our helicopter the friendship explosion...
As we got closer to the edge of the trees I could see the forms of hundreds of ponies in the field ahead. I pulled the small radio out of my chest and flipped on an appropriate song .
As we flew over the edge of the field I couldn't help but shout, "For the lolz!" before opening fire with the machine gun strapped to the bottom of the helicopter. The others joined me as I fired a barrage of missiles into the shocked ponies. The explosions were enough to scare them away and we continued firing after them until they got over the hill. This brought back great memories of the times I used to go out and shoot horses with a rifle while riding in a helicopter.
Once they were all over the hill we flew back to the trees. We weren't gonna' chase them down, that would be a huge dick move. I'm a lot of things, but I'm not a dick... Ok, I'm a dick...
I wasn't sure if I was gonna' be able to stretch that battle into a full chapter, but once I started it was easy to do.
Captain OC pony: Ponies! Tonight! We dine! In Tartarus!
Paul: Be afraid, Canterlot will burn to the ground!
This is stupid, this is fucking dumb!
Captain OC pony: Dumb? This. Is. EQUESTRIA!
The thousand ponies of the Equestrian empire descend upon you! Our Pegusus will blot out the sun!
Paul: Then we'll lol in the shade.
I wanted to add some cool quotes but I had no opportunity to.
Awww this doesn't show up on the home page because I uploaded the last chapter like 10 hours ago :{
Paul and friends receive epic loot
Author's note: So I wrote the first thousand or so words to this and then I thought to myself. 'Hey Ethesto, (I often refer to myself by my online alias in my head) why write that when you can instead write something cool and interesting. Unfortunately this chapter didn't end up being all that funny. I typed most of it at like six in the morning after not being able to fall asleep multiple times so there's my excuse. Anyways, I went back over it and hopefully made it a bit better.
I finished polishing my syringe rifle for the third time today. I just can't help it, I love this thing. Perhaps I should shed some light on where it came from. Well, I raided the weapon storage area after we were done messing around with the helicopters and found some cool stuff. It was nothing all that amazing, just some random weapons, and they certainly weren't there in a large supply. It was pretty much just a couple dozen gun type things of varying usefulness. I'm so happy this planet has guns.
Unfortunately there were some problems. First off, the weapons weren't made with hands in mind. Whoever made them, and I can only assume it was more giant spiders since further inspection revealed that this place undoubtably belonged to spiders at some point, clearly didn't have fingers. With that said the weapons weren't designed to be held but instead were hooked up to harnesses which I assume would go on your back. They were pretty advanced and from the looks of it they connected straight into your nervous system but there was no way I would be able to use them in their current state since I neither am nor ever will be a giant spider.
With that said I had to modify them significantly much to my displeasure. Sure I enjoy building weapons on occasion, but I'm also pretty lazy. I'd much rather be walking in circles or something more entertaining than creating gun parts from scratch. Yeah, I had to forge the triggers and handles myself and it was talking forever. Thankfully, one of the first things that was put into the still uncompleted castle was a forge. It was pretty much just a big coal furnace in the basement, nothing special, but it's good enough. I've been here working for hours though and I've only managed to make a few of the guns usable. Three to be exact.
Well technically only two guns. The first one is a syringe pistol. I should probably explain that almost every weapon we found in there fired small syringes instead of bullets. It seems stupid to me, but whatever floats dem spider's boats. The syringes are filled with some neural toxin that is pretty affective if the spy crabs I tested it on are any indication. From the autopsy I performed it seems that it destroys nerve endings and within a matter of seconds completely paralyses the target before it incapacitates the brain. At that point they pretty much just die. I'm pretty sure bullets would be more affective, but at least the syringes are small. Each pistol clip can hold thirty of them. Now, I imagine the syringes are gonna be pretty useless against anything with armor, but we'll see as I've yet to test that out.
Anyways, back on topic. The first thing I modified was the equivalent of a pistol. It was, at one point, just a smaller gun attached to a harness. I pretty much had to take the back part of the gun apart and make all new parts for it, which was pretty hard. It took me a few tries to get it all right and that took at least four hours. It probably would have taken more time if I wasn't tripped out on caffein at the time.
We raided the entire lab and found a lot of cool stuff in the various storage areas. One thing was caffein injections which I may or may not have taken multiple doses of. I do what I want.
Anyways, once I got the pistol to work it was pretty nice. Of course I wasn't going to be satisfied with a simple pistol. Who do you think I am? The next thing I went with was a slightly larger version of the same gun. It had a longer barrel and the base was an oval type thing. It took less time to build the parts for it at least as I had some experience.
In the end it was your standard rifle except you inserted a circular clip full of syringes into the bottom as oppose to bullets. Like I said before, I'd prefer bullets, but at least the clip holds about seventy syringes. The next thing I did was paint the whole thing black because black is a cool color. Oh yeah, we found a bunch of paint in one of the storage spaces. It's surprising how much of that stuff lasted even after how long its been sitting down there. It may not be much, but it's beautiful to me.
Next maybe I should add a scope... That can wait for later though. The last weapon I built is slightly different and I wouldn't really consider it to be a gun, mainly because it discharges electricity instead of firing bullets or syringes. Anyways, I noticed that Steve was pretty useless so far at fighting things so I thought I'd give him something. I got the idea after taking apart some of the spider harnesses and I found that they used batteries to power the firing mechanism. After examining the batteries a bit I found that they recharged themselves over time by absorbing the energy in the air. Yes, the air here is pretty full of energy, which is probably why the ponies are able to perform what they would consider 'magic'.
I've built things like that before so it wasn't too difficult. I pretty much just took one of the syringe guns apart and replaced a few key things. It ended up looking like a cylinder thing with a few shapes jutting off that was about a foot long. Instead of a barrel there's a spike that extends out the front that's about eight inches long. The thing is powered by twenty-two batteries arranged in two circles on the inside. The only problem now is that I have to attach it to Steve somehow.
Now I haven't just been dilly dallying with guns all day, I also had a nice long chat with Dance Blaster. Him and I both agreed that we need to switch up the tactics of the spy crabs if we're going to do anything. For whatever reason the spy crabs seems to have lost nearly all semblance of intelligence and they're only really capable of following orders and being really annoying at this point. They clearly aren't known for their combat prowess seeing as though they were beaten up by a bunch of ponies.
That's why we agreed that they needed weapons. Nothing fancy, we just planned on making them knifes since that seems to be what they're used to. Not like it's a big deal, we got plenty of metal from the lab and we can just teach some of the spy crabs how to use the forge.
We also talked about how to make them not suck just a little bit more. We decided that since we have an army of assassins we should probably not just engage the enemy head on, at least not all the time. But we could deal with being sneaky at a later date.
After talking about that for a while Dance Blaster mentioned something about a dragon living nearby that the spy crabs had found. I didn't care much about it until he mentioned that it was guarding mounds of gems and gold.
By then I already did what any sane person would do in my place, I decided that I was going to kill the dragon. I'll admit it, I'm a loot whore. Sadly, not a single thing I've killed since I got here has dropped anything cool. Perhaps killing a dragon and taking its mounds of treasure would be a good change of pace.
Once I decided that I wanted the dragon dead I went back to the basement and started working on weapons again. No, not more guns this time, I decided to go for more simple weapons that wouldn't take all day to make. There was a mini gun that we found that fired real bullets, but god knows it would take me ages to make that usable. Besides, it was pretty big so Stephen was probably the only one who could even hold it right. Instead I made some swords. Two to be exact, since only me and Stephen could even use them. Dance Blaster probably could too, but I'm not entirely sure.
It took a little bit extra to melt down some of the silver metal that made up the doors to the lab, but I thought it would be worth it. I ended up just making myself a short sword that curved slightly and somewhat resembled a scimitar. Stephen's sword, however, was huge. Seeing as though he's like twelve feet tall I decided that he could use something a bit bigger. The blade ended up being about eight feet long and fairly thick. It was sharp on both sides and extended into a spike on each side at the tip. The end was a slightly thicker crescent that extended between the two spikes. I figured he would be swinging it more than using it to stab anyways.
Once that was done I dragged all my new weapons up stairs. They weren't that heavy except for Stephen's sword which weighed a butt load. Once I got up I noticed that it was already night time, I must have been down there for longer than I thought. I guess I got a little carried away in making weapons. As soon as I saw Stephen I dragged the sword over and gave him the handle which was about two feet long by itself. He just grabbed it in his gorilla-like grip and slung it up on his shoulder and grunted at me.
I'm still not sure how Dance Blaster can understand Stephen because I have no idea how to tell what he's thinking. Is a grunt good or bad? Oh well, I'll just assume he said something along the lines of 'Thanks Paul, you're the best looking sex raptor I've ever seen. You're also smart and talented. I'm glad we're friends!'.
I then gathered up all my friends and told them of my plan to slay the dragon. They thought it was a dumb idea but I assured them that we have a good enough party to succeed. You see we have Stephen who can tank, then ugh.... Who the hell heals? Oh well, the rest of us DPS, we don't need heals. I silently hoped to whatever supreme deity was listening that the next friend I meet is a holy pally or something.
We also didn't have any armor, but I just spent all day in that black smith and the last thing I wanted to do right now was make armor. We'll just free ball it for now. I'll make armor later...
So we set off, and I polished my rifle as we walked. I had my sword slung onto my back and my pistol strapped to my thigh. I had a strap for my rifle on my back as well, but I liked holding it, it felt good in my claws.
"Are we almost there? My hoofs hurt!" Complained Dance Blaster,
"Come on, we've only been walking for like six miles!"
"That's a lot. I'm a pony not a sex raptor!"
I looked him up and down before nodding my head in confirmation. "Yep, if you were a sex raptor you'd be much better looking."
"Giiiiirl please! Everybody knows I'm the looks of this group. You're like my uglier friend who I keep around to make me look better." Stupid Steve... I managed to attach the electricity weapon onto his right side so it extended slightly past his head. I didn't want it to shoot him on accident, and I also didn't want it to interfere with me using him as a mount.
"Blasphemy! I am the sexiest thing alive!"
"Technically you died." Explained Dance Blaster.
"Yeah, but I'm alive now. I still breathe and stuff, so I'm pretty sure I'm not dead."
"Dead... Alive... Same thing." He countered.
"No, they're different words." Came Steve's super intelligent response.
"Only mortals worry about petty things like being dead!"
"I don't even know how to respond to that." Said Dance Blaster. Steve looked somewhat confused which was the case almost every time we talked to the demon conch. It gets kinda' awkward some times.
"Ok, ok. Serious question time. Are you guys pro choice or pro abortion?"
"I'm pro abortion!"
"Those are both pretty much the same thing... Also people might get mad if you start making jokes about abortion."
"I suppose you're right, let's change the topic then." I replied.
"I think it's a perfectly good topic!"
"No one cares what you think! Anyways, how far away was this place again?" I wasn't really annoyed by all the walking, I just wanted the conversation to keep going to I didn't fall into a boredom induced coma.
Dance Blaster looked around a bit before answering. "I don't know, it was supposed to be like seven and a half miles. Anyways I don't think I can walk anymore. Can we rest here?"
"NOOOOOPE!" I simply picked him up and slung him over my shoulder. He was surprisingly light. "I'll just carry you like I always carry the group." I'm such a good friend!
"Hey! I'm a lover, not a fighter!" Yelled Steve.
"Yeah, you love boys!"
"OOOOOOOOOH!" Came Dance Blaster's mature response.
Steve glared at me before replying. "Here's a touching story, it's about this one time a sex raptor had to eventually sleep while his robot friend didn't. Then the robot stepped on his neck on 'accident'."
"Jokes on you, I never sleep."
"Bull shit!" Steve clearly wasn't buying that.
"I would never lie to you about something as serious as sleep." I think he could tell by the sincerity in my voice that I was telling the truth.
"Well umm... K." It seems he didn't know what to say now.
After a short silence Dance Blaster finally said something. "So how are we supposed to kill the dragon when we get there?"
I just shrugged which nearly caused me to drop him from his perch over my shoulder. "Very carefully. I don't know. It's a dragon, how hard could it be?" Famous last words.
"Well, this is much harder than I thought it'd be." I said nonchalantly as I jumped out of the way of an incoming claw. The others were less calm about the whole situation however.
"You think!?" Yelled Steve.
I wasn't about to rage yet though, it wasn't a wipe. We just underestimated the huge orange dragon. First off, the syringe guns did hardly anything. Its scales were extremely durable. I also tried using some shouts on it but it turns out I'm not dovahkiin so that didn't work too well. We jumped behind a boulder as another fist came down. While it was distracted with us Stephen ran up and sliced it right in the belly with his huge sword.
The attack managed to dislodge a few scales, but that was about it. This thing was like a big tank. Of course, I had a plan to kill the beast. I fought a freakin' giant spider, this dragons got nuthin on me! "Hey demonic conch, you think you can use your crazy lemon-aid powers on it?"
"I'd have to be closer, but yes."
Perhaps the conch would be useful for once. I grabbed him in one claw and held my rifle in the other while I clambered out from behind the rock. The dragon's attention was all on Stephen now who was getting pretty sliced up on his own, not that he cares about pain anyways. While it was distracted I jumped up onto its back and ran up towards the base of its neck. It almost instantly noticed me there and shook slightly to try and knock me off. I didn't lose my footing though as my talons were able to grip onto the rough scales pretty well.
It quickly lost interest in Stephen as it turned its head to face me on its back and opened its mouth wide to spit a gout of flames. Big mistake, I was like ten feet away, I couldn't miss! I simply shot a few syringes into its throat. I was pretty excited about getting the money shots off so I forgot entirely about the flames that soon erupted towards me. The fire washed over me for several seconds before the dragon seemed convinced that I was dead. Once it stopped it looked pretty disappointed that the fire had little affect on me, though demonic conch was slightly charred.
"Taste lemon-aid you son of a church!" I yelled as I threw the conch right in between its eyes. It hit and bounced off before landing on the stone floor of the cave far below. "Ok, maybe that wasn't a good idea."
"Foolish raptor! I will slaughter you and all your kind for that some day!"
"Sorry!" I called down to him before returning my attention to the no doubt angry dragon in front of me. Unfortunately the syringes weren't having the desired affect as the dragon was still alive. No doubt the small dose wasn't enough to kill a creature easily a hundred times bigger than me. I could tell it was about to lunge its head forward and bite at me so I got ready to jump away but instead a bolt of lightning hit it in the side of the head.
It hissed in pain for a second before looking back down at Steve below. This was my chance with it momentarily distracted. I crouched down, leveled my syringe rifle and shot a few rounds into its exposed eye. The dragon rawred again and flailed around. This was enough to knock me off of its back and I landed on the cold cave floor.
With its eye wounded it spread its wings and started swinging its tail wildly in an attempt to hit us. It wasn't hard to simply back up a little ways to avoid this as the cavern we were in was giant.
Once we were a safe distance away we regrouped. Dance Blaster had managed to grab the conch with his unicorn energy thing. I refuse to call it magic. Stephen had his chest and arms pretty torn up from the dragon's claws but he didn't seem to even notice. "So what now?" Asked Steve as we all huddled together. Dance Blaster began using his 'magic' on Stephen which caused his torn skin to re assemble itself.
Just then I hatched an amazing plan. If its eyes were the most vulnerable part, then I'd just go for those. "Hey Steve, I need a lift onto its head."
"Well alright. Enjoy dying." Pshh he underestimates my power. I quickly jumped up onto his back and kicked him in the flank.
"Fly my pretties fly!"
"Fuck you!" Responded Steve as he took off in a stream of rainbows. We quickly reached the top of the chamber above the dragons head. At this point it had calmed down a bit and was clutching its eye in an attempt to remove the needles. This was my chance. I slung the rifle onto my back and instead pulled out my sword before jumping off of Steve. I only had to fall a short distance before I landed on the dragon's head and I quickly took hold of one of the spikes of its chest to avoid falling off.
Ok, everything is going good so far. Now I just need to stab it in the eye. I had to duck down quickly to avoid a claw that sailed right over my head and collided with the spike I was holding on to. Well, can't just sit here all day. With that thought I let go of the spike and ran onto the creature's snout. It hardly had time to react before I plunged my sword as hard as I could into its eye.
It instantly started flailing while rawring in a mix of rage and pain and I was easily flung away with my sword still firmly grasped in my claws. I landed on the cave floor and rolled away like the cool guy that I am before running back to my group.
"See, my plan worked."
"I was secretly hoping that it would tear your arm off or something." Said Steve.
"Pshh you can't fool me. I know you're relieved and that's just your way of saying that you love me. I understand." Instead of answering Steve just grumbled to himself.
"Hate to interrupt you two love birds, but we still have to kill that thing." We all turned back and looked at the dragon as it flailed around. With both of its eyes wounded it wasn't really much of a threat any more so we decided to just wait till it tired itself out before we tried anything to finish it off. We didn't have to wait long, however, because it smacked its head pretty hard into a stone wall as it was moving around. The 'thunk' of its head smacking against the rocks was clearly audible from where we were and we could even feel the vibrations. After the hit it almost instantly slumped to the ground and we couldn't tell if it was dead or not.
"Well, that looked painful. I would probably feel bad for it if my sympathy gland hadn't been torn out years ago. Anyways, let's go finish the job..." A quick slice across the neck from Stephen and we were satisfied that the thing was dead as the cave slowly filled with blood. "Good job guys. Now let's loot the hell out of this place!"
We walked into the next chamber of the cave and all gaped at what we saw. Mounds and mounds of gems and gold were just lying there. "A-t-t-t-t-t. A-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t! ATTTTTTREASURE!" I said in a ridiculous voice. "Mother of ducks that's a lot of gems."
"Alright, since I'm captain of this here group I get the largest share." Said Steve.
"Lawl no! I'm pretty much the captain, but that doesn't matter because we're taking all the treasure back to the castle anyways."
"But I want MY treasure." Said Steve very disappointedly.
"You'll get the most valuable treasure of all. The treasure of sharing."
"That treasure sucks..."
"Fine... We can split it up once we get back to the castle. In the mean time, Dance Blaster, could you get your spy crabs to come pick this all up?"
"Yeah, sure, whatever." Said Dance Blaster as though he wasn't excited by the huge amount of treasure in front of us. Then he had to be a big boner kill. "You know gems and gold aren't worth all that much, and there's probably only like fifty to a seventy thousands bits here at most."
I looked at all the cool golden objects that were sitting around and shrugged. "It's still treasure and that's still a lot." If nothing else at least it's all shiny. "Now let's get going. We need to have a victory party to celebrate!"
Next time on The Life and Times of Paul The Sex Raptor:
Steve: "Paul, I'm pregnant... AND YOU'RE THE FATHER!"
Paul: "I just finished crunching the numbers, Dance Blaster. You're the male version of Celestia from a different dimension!"
Celestia: "I've schemed too long to be supplanted by a raptor. If I can't have this world no one can!!!"
Oh yeah... And they're gonna' have a party...
"Poop weasels!" Exclaimed Steve.
"No! This is no time for poop weasels, it's time for a party!" I replied as calmly as possible to let him know I wasn't mad that he had such ridiculous ideas.
"And why not? Huh? Give me one good reason why your so called 'party' is better than my suggestion."
"It was less of a suggestion and more of a statement." Hopefully he'll see logic.
"Overruled!"
"No! You're overruled!!" I yelled.
"Hey man, this is cool court, not fool court."
"You know Steve, one day you're going to be getting disemboweled by a horrible creature, likely some breed of pony with tentacles, and you're going to look up and ask me to save you, and I'm going to whisper back 'no'."
"Filthy meat puppet, I do not require your aid in any matter. I am Steve! Fear me!"
"Foolish robotic undead fish beast, I have judged you and found you lacking in vital goo. Such delicious vital gooooooo."
"Your vital goo is mere confusion to me."
I didn't respond to that, instead I just looked at him for a few seconds to let him know I wasn't continuing that conversation. Most of our conversations devolve to the point where they hardly even make any sense, not that I care about that. I just have important things to do right now. Like, for example, have a party. "This is going to be the best party ever, and nothing you say or do will ever change that."
"We'll see about that..." Said Steve while rubbing his fore hooves together. "We'll see...." Then he turned around and disappeared in a flash of rainbows. One of these days that fish robot is gonna' accidently blow himself up, I swear... Anyways, now it's party time!
Celestia was pretty upset. Wait, scratch that, she was in a rage at the moment. Her normally colorful mane lost it's usual sheen and was instead a mixture of fiery orange and red as she paced back and forth in her room. Not even the guards dared to confront her right now lest they face her wrath. The last thing they wanted was for her to release the power of the sun (not sunny delight). She had good reason to be mad though, lots of things were going bad recently.
She had just gotten a letter from the gryphon's unofficial leader that morning stating that they were stopping all trade with the ponies and that they were contemplating war. Apparently they had traced the omega spider back to her and they were pretty mad about it. "Stupid birds, who do they think they are? Threatening me?! The only reason I let them live on my planet is because they do cheap labor and trade with my ponies. I'll see their cities turned to ashes for this sacrilege!" She yelled to no one in particular.
Not that the gryphons were particularly threatening to Celestia. They lacked magic, resources, and numbers. The pony population easily outnumbers them three to one. No doubt not trading with ponies would hurt them just as much if not more than it would hurt Equestria. Celestia was just mad that they would dare go against her. "Just because I lost my spider they think I'm weak?! I'll show them a new definition of 'pain'!"
Then again, the letter wasn't all that had her upset. She was even more angry about her army's recent failure. Captain OC pony had come in himself and explained how the attack went sour. They were on the verge of victory and were driving the enemy army back into the forest, but then something else came out and attacked them. From the captain's description she could only guess that the things were helicopters. Though she'd never seen one that worked, she spent years researching any spider technology she could find. That is what all Equestrian technology is based on, after all. Although the things didn't pursue, they killed over 150 ponies in the brief engagement.
The problem is she had no idea where they could have possibly gotten such devices from, just about every piece of spider technology is either destroyed or hidden away in facilities underground. The princess had only stumbled upon a few of these in her long life and each yielded wonders of machinery far beyond her comprehension, some of which she was able to reverse engineer. Unfortunately, she feared she would never be able to reproduce something as complicated as the robots and computers she'd seen as even her top scientists were baffled as to how they worked. Unfortunately the facilities were somehow hidden from her magic so she couldn't simply detect them.
She decided that the creatures most likely stumbled upon one of them and that's where they got the helicopters from. It still raises other questions though. From what her soldiers and scouts had said, the creatures seemed pretty stupid. How did they figure out how to get into a vault and pilot spider machinery? She decided that they probably have some kind of leader controlling their ranks.
Celestia smiled to herself, perhaps they could simply assassinate the leader and be done with this whole mess. She would fly out and do it herself, but she wanted to wait till the scouts identified this threat. She hasn't ruled for over a thousand years by being careless. Now that she knew all she could do was wait, Celestia sat down on the couch and started to relax. She grabbed the remote with her magic and flipped on the TV.
"Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?! Spon-. I hope you left enough room for my hoof because I'm going to ram it into your stoma-. I love the smell of napalm in the morning, it smells like... vict-" Celestia started flipping through the channels to find something interesting to watch to keep her mind off of all the stuff that's been going on. "All the channels and still nothing to watch..." She grumbled to herself.
After flipping through at least a hundred channels she finally stopped on what she thought was some kind of news report. She always prided herself on staying up to date on the news. On the screen were a pair of ponies behind a table and looking at the camera.
"You now join us live at this recently built castle where the host is throwing a party that is looking to be one of the best of all time." Behind her was a large gray and black brick castle that was now decorated in various spot lights and such. "Already some very important figures have shown up for this party." As she said this the camera panned around and showed a long line of hundreds of ponies. In the front was a huge monstrous biped with withered gray skin wearing sunglasses and a tight black T-shirt that said security. It was holding a clip board and letting certain ponies in who seemed important while the 'less important' ponies had to wait in line.
Celestia watched as Fancy Pants walked into the party followed by none other than Angel Lionheart, the most important pony in existence. Right behind them was Prince Blue Blood who was accompanied by several 'fanmares' who squealed in delight as they followed close by him. "What!" Yelled Celestia at her TV. "Why is Blue Blood at some strange party at a castle?" She was really just more upset that she hadn't been invited. Next, a big iron chariot pulled up and several diamond dogs stepped out. Celestia was able to recognize one of them as the king of one of the larger dog warrens, Grimlock. He was followed by T-bone, probably the most famous diamond dog celebrity there is. He was clearly distinguishable by his leather jacket, greeced back hair, sunglasses, and the huge diamond necklace that hung around his neck, not to mention his usual swagger that he showed while walking.
Accompanying him were several bitched, literally. Grimlock walked up to the security monster who simply stared back at him. "Me Grimlock, king!" Yelled the diamond dog. The monster quickly went over the list which seemed to annoy the diamond dog, before he nodded and opened the red velvet rope for them to enter. Now Celestia was interested, surely this must be one cool pony to build a castle and then throw a party with so many cool attendees.
"Wait a second, what's that?!" Asked one of the reporter ponies. The camera instantly turned to look at something else coming out of the trees. Once it was in the light it was clearly recognizable as a manticore. Of course, the thing that interested Celestia more was what was riding on the manticore's back. It was Paul! He was wearing shades and a fancy golden helmet, but she easily recognized him. "Finally, the host of the party has arrived!"
Celestia sat there with her eye twitching for a few seconds. It took her a while to contemplate how mad she actually was. "He breaks a bunch of my laws, escapes from my castle, then comes back just to throw a party?! AND HE DOESN'T EVEN INVITE ME?!?!?" Then she recognized the castle in the background, it's the ones her scouts had taken pictures of, although more finished and more decorated. The very same one that the strange creatures had built. She finally realized that Paul was the one leading the things that killed so many of her guards. She scowled at the TV before throwing the remote through the screen. "His life will set with the sun!"
She bolted off of the couch and over to her desk where she began writing letters to the leaders of the zebras, donkeys, minotaurs, and even the diamond dogs. She'd write one to the crystal ponies too, but they don't exist until season 3. She simply said that her kingdom has been attacked by a potentially powerful enemy and she needs reinforcements to help. She went on to describe Paul as a criminal and she even mentioned how he killed Zecora, thinking that might gain her favor with the zebras. No doubt they would send help after hearing that one of their own was murdered by the enemy. The donkeys would likely help too, and maybe the minotaurs would, but she doubted the diamond dogs would. The diamond dogs and the ponies had always had a, wait for it, rocky relationship! Hehehehehehe.
No matter, she had the utmost confidence that she could crush Paul and his forces with little problem. She wanted nothing more than to slap that dumb smile right off his stupid face.
I rode in to the chariot loading area on Sprinkles' back feeling pretty cool. I mean, who else do you know that rides around on manticores? I named the manticore Sprinkles by the way, I thought it fit. Anyways, I was wearing my cool sunglasses and a golden helmet I found in the dragon's treasure. It had some nice rubies in it, and even though it was made to fit pony heads, that's nothing a hammer can't fix. As I approached I heard the news ponies announcing my arrival and I promptly hopped down off of my mount.
As I walked past, all the ponies in line cheered at my arrival. I simply walked up to Stephen, who was the bouncer, and we exchanged a fist bump before he let me in. The doorway to the castle led to a huge open room that was now decorated with fancy rugs, tapestries, and a disco ball. I may have used most of my share of the treasure to pimp out the castle, but it was worth it. Now the place was nicely decorated. off to the side were several rooms with large VIP booths where most of the important ponies were hanging out. I had hired the DJ from Pinky Pie's party to play some phat beats. As she laid down a new track I went to the dance floor and prepared to blow everyone away.
(Sorry, I couldn't resist linking this... +1000 Ethesto points if you played Jet Force Gemini on N64 )
After promptly out dancing everyone I decided to retreat to one of the VIP booths and maybe get a drink. I didn't expect to see Pinkie Pie though. "Yo Paul, what's up?!" She waved a hoof at me.
"Oh hey Pinkie, it's been a while. I didn't think you were gonna' show up."
"I never miss a party." She replied with a straight face.
"Fair enough, wanna' hang out in my VIP booth?" Perhaps with her company I won't be super bored. Without waiting for a reply I walked past her. The second she was out of my line of sight my sex raptor senses started tingling. Knowing better than to ignore those, I whirled around to see Pinkie Pie lunging at me with a knife. "Oh shit!" I yelled and barely managed to grab her hoof by the... wrist? Unfortunately, her momentum was still enough to tackle me to the ground and she now held the knife a few inches from my neck. She seemed unnaturally strong for some reason and I was having trouble holding her hoof back.
"Et tu Pinkie Pie?" I managed to croak out through the strain of trying to push her off of me.
"Twilight will be pleased when I tell her how much you struggled!" Ok, well, Pinkie is being a bitch. After holding the knife off for a short time I finally pulled my legs up and kicked her off with all my strength. The result is that she was launched across the room and through a window. I quickly got up and ran to look outside, but she was no where to be seen.
"Freakin' crazy ponies..." I muttered. I was slightly hurt that Pinkie Pie of all ponies would betray me, but I quickly suppressed my feelings just like I've been doing for years.
The crowd stopped whatever they were doing to look at me and then the broken window before deciding that it wasn't important and ignoring it. The party went on for a while and it didn't take long till the ponies were all drunk off their balls. It turns out ponies can't take very much alcohol. Sadly, I couldn't get drunk easily because my liver is just too damn good. I'd have to drink like a gallon of vodka for anything to happen, and that's just gross.
After several hours Steve came in followed by a horrible sludge monster that he clearly hoped would ruin the party. Everyone just cheered though and the sludge monster showed off his cool dance moves. Not quite as cool as mine though...
"Lol, gg noob." I said to him as I approached.
"Stupid sludge monsters these days... You expect them to kill stuff, then they go and do this?!"
"I know what you mean, I watched the blob. That thing killed everyone!"
Then we saw Dance Blaster walk up. He looked slight drunk. "Hey guys!"
"Yo Dance Blaster!" I said before thinking about his name some more. "Wait a second, if you're Dance Blaster, does that mean that you're good at dancing?"
Dance Blaster just glared at me. "No..."
"Oh, never mind..." I felt pretty awkward after asking that. At least aside from Steve, all the other guests seemed to be having a good time. They were partying like it's 1999! Then again, maybe it is. I have no idea how pony years work.
Sorry, Ethesto points are worthless. Unless you think that my admiration is worth anything in which case I'm deeply honored.
Yeah, I haven't been very motivated to type lately which is why this took so long. I didn't really feel like typing all about the party so I just left it short.
There, you got to come to the party too Angel Lionheart....
Gorlok 12 and the stupidest conversation
I don't even know why I typed this... v_v Enjoy Gorlok 12 and friends in their lobster ships.
"So I'm just like, if you want change you can pry it out of my cold dead fingers! And that's how I lost my arm."
"Lol cyborg Barrack Obama, yo crazy man!" Said Gorlok 12 through his laughter.
"Oh shit guys!" Yelled Tommy.
"What?!" Everyone on the mics asked at the same time.
"It's another one of those chapters."
"You mean the ones where we're the mane characters and everybody loves us?"
"Well yes, but they only really love me. You guys are just here to make me look better." Said Tommy as smugly as is possible for a lobster man.
"Oh please," Said Gorlok 12, "I've fought giant man-eating grass hoppers with more charisma than you."
"Now that's just not fair, grass hoppers are loved by all."
"Woah guys, check it out!" Interrupted Arnold. "I can do a headstand."
"How in the nonexistent planes of hell are we supposed to, and I quote, 'check it out'?" Asked Hank while rolling his eyes (which no one could see.)
"I don't know, maybe use your imaginations for once." Responded Arnold.
"I imagine you... AWAY!"
"Lol that won't work on me Han-." Arnold was interrupted as he phased out of existence.
"Daaaaamn girl, you made Arnold disappear!" Said Gorlok 12.
"He was asking for it..."
"Sorry to butt in guys, but I have an important question.... What is love?" Said Kevin.
"No, we're not gonna' start singing that song!" Said Gorlok 12 before any music started playing.
"What, but why not? I love that song."
"Because shut up. Now cyborg Obama, do you have any other funny stories?"
"Well after I got my robot arm some idiot came up to me on the street and started saying that I wasn't born in the U.S. So I was like 'you wanna' bet?' He nodded so I took out a giant quarter and sliced his head in half with it. Then I was all like 'maybe you should put your money where you mouth is!'"
Gorlok 12 found this really funny for some reason.
"I've seen better one-liners on Laffy Taffy wrappers!" Said Hank, not very impressed by cyborg Obama's story.
"Awwww... I tried so hard... I guess I'll just go then." Cyborg Obama promptly packed up his things into a suitcase and stepped out the airlock on the lobster ship and into the horrible vacuum of space where he would drift for all eternity. Until he runs into a star or planet and gets incinerated, that is.
"Damnit Hank!" Yelled Gorlok 12, now done laughing. "First you got rid of Arnold, now cyborg Obama?! What the hell?!"
Hank was deeply saddened by Gorlok 12's statement, he had no idea his fun was causing so much damage. "I'm sorry guys, I guess I forgot that yall have feelings too. I imagine Arnnold back!"
Arnold suddenly reappeared. "Well Hank, I'm glad you learned a valuable lesson about friendship, maybe you can write a letter to Celestia about it later."
"Who the fuck is 'Celestia'?!" Yelled Kyle.
"Oh hey Kyle." Arnold was eager to change the subject. "Did you finish laying those eggs?"
"Yeah... I don't want to talk about it."
"So, how about some omelets?" Asked Hank.
"Hank, if you eats my eggs again I swear I'll be upset for an entire day!" Replied Kyle.
"Woah woah woah, guys, calm down. No ones eating anyone's eggs here. Now I need to ask something very important. Am I the only one who found cracked open batteries in my coffee this morning?" Said Gorlok 12 before they could argue about it any further.
"Yeah..." Replied Kevin nonchalantly. "I think Steve Jobs wants us dead."
"Well in that case, I'll just have to eat his skull next time I see him."
"Skulls are full of calcium." Informed Kevin.
"That they are, Kevin. That they are."
"This reminds me of a pterodactyl I used to date..." Started Tommy before everyone started groaning. "What?"
"Always with the stories about dating this and dating that... Is there anything you haven't dated?!" Asked Gorlok 12.
"I haven't dated.... A CALENDER !"
"Please Tommy, for your own well being, never tell a joke again because I swear if I ever hear something that stupid come from your mouth hole ever again I'm going to funnel so much chlorox bleach down your throat that you'll be peeing white."
"That's not pee!" Said Kyle.
"Anywayyyyyyys." Continued Tommy. "The pterodactyl ate my skull."
"You should write a book about that." Said Hank sarcastically. "You know, because it's such a cool story."
"It would still be a better love story than Twilight..." Said Gorlok 12.
Edward Cullen just happened to walk in right then. "Not cool guys..."
"Get out...." Said Gorlok 12, hate evident in his voice.
Edward didn't even argue, he just hung his head in shame as he headed out the airlock to join cyborg Obama on an epic quest across the empty expanse of space.
"We've done the universe a great service, let it be known that on this day, an ancient evil has been wiped from existence." Said Hank.
"You deserve a metal Gorlok 12!" Yelled Kyle.
"What kind of metal?" Asked Mr. Gorlok.
"All of it."
"Is it edible?"
Arnold couldn't help but laugh at this. "Is it edible?! Of course it is! It's metal you idiot!"
"Metible." Said Tommy.
"FUCK YOU TOMMY!" Yelled Gorlok 12. "I hope the mic native american spirits rape you in your sleep!"
"Come on man, don't say that..."
"You've brought this upon yourself." Said Kevin.
"You shut yours or the only thing I'll be bringing is a punch in the face for each of you!" Yelled Tommy.
"Now Tommy the tank engine. Can I call you that?" Started Hank.
"No."
"I'm going to continue calling you that. Anyways, we're all friends here. No need to rage like a little bitch."
"What kind of bitch?" Asked Arnold.
"What do you mean?" Hank was confusion.
"Well, there's lots of breeds of dogs, what kind of bitch is he?"
"A golden retriever..." Grumbled Hank.
"Retriev-er, I hardly know her!" Said Kyle. Clearly no one but him thought that was funny.
"Kyle, one day you're going to wake up to find that all your vital goo is gone because of that horrid joke." Said a not-very-pleased Gorlok 12.
"Twas worth it!"
"Hey arnold!" Yelled Kevin.
"Yeah what?" He asked.
"No, I was talking about the show."
"Fuck you Kevin, no one even remembers that show..."
"I remember a lot of things." Said Gorlok 12.
"Clearly you don't remember how to keep your mouth shut." Responded Hank.
"You're just being mean all over the place today Hank." Said Kyle.
"Yeah..." Admitted Hank. He clearly didn't care very much that he was being a jerk.
"So... How bout dem centipedes?" Asked Kevin awkwardly.
"I remember this one centipede that I dated." Said Tommy.
"Ooooo, that's fowl!" Gorlok 12 was clearly disgusted by the idea of dating a centipede.
"No, centipedes aren't even birds." Said Tommy.
"He does have a point." Agreed Arnold.
"My finger points." Said Kyle.
"We don't even have fingers, we have lobster claws!" Countered Arnold.
"I have fingers. You want to see them?"
"Yes. But now is not the time for that. We need to talk about who is getting Steve Jobs' ipad after I murder him." Said Gorlok 12.
"Ooo ooo, I want it! I want it!!!" Said Kevin.
"You can have it when you pry it out of my cold dead fingers!" Replied Kyle.
"I'm pretty sure cyborg Obama already said that. -8 points for being unoriginal." Said Gorlok 12.
"Damn. I worked hard for those points..."
"Don't worry, your points didn't die in vane!" Said Arnold. "For I will avenge them!"
"-3 points for trying to avenge an imaginary thing's life." Said Gorlok 12.
"Fuck..." Was the only reply Arnold could give.
"I deserve the ipad because I've been doing push ups all day." Said Hank.
"A valid reason." Replied Gorlok 12. "Anyone else have a good reason why they should get it?"
"I want it because I once put on a pair of socks with little mooses on theme." Said Kevin.
"The plural form of 'moose' is 'mose'." Corrected Gorlok 12. "But a good reason none the less."
"Then who gets it?!" Hank asked.
"I do." Said Gorlok 12. "Lol, you guys mad?!"
"No... Just a little upset." Said Kevin.
"Wait, do you guy hear that?" Asked Gorlok 12.
Everyone listened for a second before Arnold asked, "What?"
"The sound of all your jimmies being rustled."
"Come on Gorlok 12! Haven't my jimmies taken enough damage?!" Asked Kevin.
"I suppose you're right."
"I'm always right." Said Kevin.
"What about when you're left?" Asked Tommy.
"Tommy, I hate every tendon in your body. Every scrap of flesh that composes you deserves to be separated into hundreds of pieces and cast into a giant septic tank."
"Good one Kevin, +2 points for you." Said Gorlok 12.
"How close are you to dinging anyways?" Asked Arnold.
"Like two bars." Replied Gorlok 12 excitedly.
"Cool bean sauce."
"Speaking of cool bean sauce, I'm hungry. When is Steve Jobs gonna make us dinner?"
"I thought you were going to kill him." Said Kevin.
"Oh yeah. Ima go do that." Gorlok 12 said as he got off the mic.
"Now that he's gone let's talk about him behind his back." Said Hank while snickering.
"We have no way of knowing which direction he's facing right now, for all we know we're in front of him or to his side." Said Kevin with his amazing logic skills.
"I suppose you're right..."
Gorlok 12 then came back to his mic. "Hey guys, I was gonna kill him but I found him dead in a pile of his own blood."
"A pile?" Asked Arnold.
"Don't ask. I don't even know how that works..." Said Gorlok 12 with a sigh.
"Ok, did you get his ipad?"
"It was.... Well... It..." Gorlok 12 seemed like he was on the verge of tears. "IT WAS BROKEN!" He finally blurted out as tears streamed from his eyes.
"Broken how?" Asked Kyle.
"Steve Jobs must have snapped it in half before he died..." Said Gorlok 12, now recovering from his very brief crying session.
Suddenly a predator joined their chat. "Sorry Gorlok 12, when I killed Steve Jobs I must have accidently chopped his ipad in half." Of course he said this in the predator clicking language so no one could understand him.
"What's this predaderp doing in here?" Asked Hank.
"I don't know, but he sounds pretty stupid." Replied Arnold.
The predator was very sad that they were making fun of him so he left their chat and flew away in his space ship. Once he was far enough away he decided he was tired and went to sleep. Then the camera zoomed in and suddenly a baby alien burst from his chest. It was a predalien!!!!
"Guys, I'm on chat roulette right now..." Said Tommy.
"Why would you even do that? Everyone on there is just guys touching their pee pee tubes."
"Exactly." Replied Tommy. "I'm one of them."
"Oh god... We didn't need to know about that." Said Kevin.
"Now, Kevin, dear. That's a perfectly natural part of growing up and it's nothing to be ashamed of." Said Arnold.
"Shut up Arnold. Stop putting ideas in his head! Kevin is very impressionable!" Said Gorlok 12.
"Mmmmhmmmm. I am!" Agreed Kevin.
"If he's impressionable why isn't he like, a mime or something? Get it? Because mimes do impressions! I think..." Said Tommy.
"You tried." Said Gorlok 12.
"I tried so hard, and got so far. But in the end, it doesn't even matter."
"Don't start quoting Linkin Park now..." Said Hank.
"Fine..."
"Guys, I just realized something!" Yelled Arnold.
"What?" Asked everyone.
"This chapters over!"
Yep, that was probably the worst chapter ever. I just wanted to type something stupid because I'm really bored and not in the mood to type anything even remotely serious. Now that I think about it, if I typed something serious people might actually like it. Unfortunately I would lose respect for myself if I did that and I don't have very much self respect to start with.
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Fanventures: Muletown and the Super Fun Caves
Author's note: Apparently now I take requests... v_v Lol Angel Lionheart asked me to write a chapter about the people who read this, so I did something like that........ No Paul again, this is my third chapter of the day, though, so I can do whatever I want!
Angel Lionheart is just an ordinary meat beast (earth pony). She (because the name sounds like a she) has a main and tale that are whatever color you imagine. I'm simply not creative enough to come up with a character design. Now that all that explanation is out of the way, we can get down to business.
She was walking around in Muletown one fine summer evening. As the name would suggest, mule town is a town filled with mules. It's a disgusting place where things like 'sanitation' and 'health care' are just a myth. Angel trudged on down the muck filled streets regardless, she had a goal and nothing would possibly keep her from it. Not even the horrible smell of mold and decay that hung in the air.
You see, she received a very peculiar book from her grandfather when he passed away several months ago. It was a book about spiders and what happened to the ponies after they died. Angel had never even heard of the ancient spiders before that, though that's probably because the princesses keep all that information hidden away in the restricted area of the Canterlot archives. Needless to say, now that she had this information she became obsessed and had to see if it was all true for herself. The reason why she came to Muletopia is because the book mentioned something about a race of ponies that used to live in the caves here.
She didn't expect to find anything special, just maybe some pottery or artifacts from a long lost civilization. Maybe even a skeleton if she was lucky. She just hoped that it wouldn't be alive. Her older brother used to always tell her stories about how skeletons would come out of the ground at night and eat ponies. Now that she's older she knows they were just to scare her, but she still has a phobia of murderous skeletons regardless.
Maybe I should explain what her cutie mark looks like. It's basically a very detailed picture of a heart with a pair of small, white angel wings on the sides. She got it after she ripped the heart out of the chest of the pony that insulted her in foal school with her bare hoofs. It was impressive, to say the least. Anyways, she hid the body in a hole under some abandoned house so no one ever found out.
Angel couldn't help but gag as she continued to trudge through the sludge that composed the streets of the Muletown. She couldn't help but wonder how much of it is mud and trash, and how much is raw sewage. Thankfully the constant drone of flies buzzing helped drown out those unpleasant thoughts. If she had thought ahead she would have probably chosen to traverse the forest around the town instead of coming anywhere near it, but at the time she was scared she might get lost.
"Hiya there miss." Angel turned her head to see a flee-bitten mule who was missing most of his teeth. "You want to buy something!?" She looked past him at a plastic table set up next to one of the alleys. On top was a pair of what she assumed was at one point socks, and the dried husk of a ruh-coon that was covered in flies. At least she thought it was a ruh-coon.
Instead of saying anything she simply picked up her pace and refused to look back. At least she wouldn't be in town for much longer. The locals were absolutely disgusting and she wanted nothing to do with them. Of course she couldn't get her wish as a particularly wrinkly mule exited a building near her. It seemed to take it a few seconds to notice her there but once it did it ran up to her.
"Hello ma'am, how are you doing this fine day."
Angel Lionheart wasn't in a very good mood but she decided to humor the mule if only to make him leave her alone. "I'm doing fine, thank you."
She continued walking along hoping that he would continue on his way, but she wasn't so lucky. He trotted up beside her and began to speak again. "I'm Rasping Leech. Nice to meet ya'..."
He let the end of the sentence drag on, obviously hoping that she would give him her name. After a few seconds she reluctantly spoke to him again. "The names Lionheart, Angel Lionheart."
"That's a mighty pretty na-" He was interrupted half way through his sentence as it looked like he was about to vomit, but he swallowed it down much to Angel's revulsion. "Anyways, that's a pretty name miss."
"Thanks." She started trotting a little faster hoping that he would get the hint and leave her alone. He didn't and instead trotted the same speed as her.
"Where ya' going in such a hurry."
This is exactly why she wanted to avoid the locals, well part of the reason why. The other reason is that they are just gross. She couldn't actually tell him where she was going, if she told him he might go find the pony relics and take all the credit. There was no way she was going to let anypony else get credit for this! This was her one chance at fame. Without this her life is going nowhere. She works as a waiter for Celestia's sake! It turns out being able to punch other ponies' hearts out isn't a sought after talent.
"Just going for a walk." She finally said.
He looked ahead, down the road, and then looked back at her. "You're walking strait fer the forest ma'am."
She rolled her eyes. "You don't say."
"Well ya' can't go into that ther forest, it's gone be dark any minute now and yall get lost." Angel looked up and noted that the sun was still pretty high in the sky, it was no later than 3:00 in the afternoon. "Perhaps ya' should get a room for the night."
She almost blurted out a solid 'no' but managed to contain herself. "That won't be necessary." It was bad enough just walking through the streets, she didn't even want to imagine what horrors awaited her in the cess pools that they call buildings.
"Well if you insist on going into that forest on your own than I insist on coming with you." Now he was trying her patience. The last thing she wanted was a companion that had probably never bathed, let alone seen running water. He would probably smell horrendous if the horrible smell of the town wasn't drowning it out.
"I wouldn't be going in on my own if you came with me..." She grumbled.
"Excellent, I knew you'd want me to come along." Clearly her words didn't have the desired effect. She just stopped and looked at him contemplating whether or not to tear his heart out to save the trouble of putting up with him. No, she decided, the last thing she needs right now are murder charges. Besides, there's too many witnesses. Looking around she saw an old mule sitting on the porch with such a wrinkled forehead that his eyes were completely covered blowing into a pot.
Ok, perhaps there aren't too many witnesses, but she still wouldn't feel right with murdering him. Perhaps she could talk him down from joining her. "I would really rather go alone." Despite not wanting him along for the ride, she wasn't known for being rude and didn't know how to tell him she thought he was disgusting and she didn't want to be anywhere near him.
"Nonsense! I'd be happy to go with you." Angel scrunched up her eyes and looked at him. Not sure if really stubborn or just stupid, she thought to herself. "Now let's get goin', we're burnin' day light."
She sighed, it looks like she would have to be really blunt to get the message through to him. "Listen. I don't want you to come with me." She said in an uncertain voice. He was already trotting off down the road, though, and seemed blissfully unaware of what she said.
After getting halfway down the street he turned his head back to her and yelled. "Aren't ya' comin'?!" Unfortunately, he wasn't looking where he was walking and tripped on an old wagon axel that was lodged into the sludge. Needless to say, he took a nose dive into the green much.
"Well if he wasn't going to smell bad before, he sure is going to now." She said to herself as she continued walking. "Maybe if I'm lucky he'll get eaten by a bear. Then again what bear would be starving enough to eat something so fowl?"
He got up and was now even more covered in mud. Now that she looked at him more closely she could see there was already a dried layer of substance on his body which could probably be said for most of the native inhabitants. She decided not to dwell on that too long and just continued to walk towards the tree line. Perhaps if she ignored him he wouldn't be too annoying. And maybe the woods will smell better than the town did. A fresh pine scent would be a welcome reprieve right now.
Unfortunately, she was not granted such things as her mule companion kept talking all about the town, and the trees smelled like rotting wood. For the first time, she was starting to think maybe this trip was a bad idea. She quickly pushed those thoughts aside and just focused on getting there so she could leave this hell hole of a country.
"And then Fungi done told me he caught a fish what had two tails in the town water supply. He said he sold it ta' chunky fer two big brown rocks that tasted like dirt. It has two tails so it's worth two rocks I spose'." Rasping Leech continued to talk to himself while Angel tried her best to ignore him.
Thankfully, it wasn't a long trip and she soon found the caves she was looking for. They were spread out along a cliffside and all looked like they went in pretty deep. Of course she went to the biggest one thinking that if there was anything it would be there.
"Why are we at these big caves for anyways?"
"I saw them while we were walking and thought it would be cool to check them out." She said hoping he wasn't smart enough to see through her obvious lies. Especially since she was pulling a short torch and matches from the saddlebag at her side.
"Well ok, I'll come in with you so nuthin' happens."
She quickly lit up the torch and held it in her mouth, it was pretty uncomfortable having the fire so close to her face and she definitely wouldn't be able to talk with it there. Then she got a brilliant idea. She grabbed it with a hoof and turned to her unwanted companion. "Hey, ugh, Leech. Could you hold this for me?"
"I recon I could." He said without making any move to grab it. She motioned it towards him a few times but he didn't seem to comprehend her question and just kept staring at her, or rather through her.
"Will you hold this while we go into the cave?" She finally asked hoping the specificity would help.
"Ok." He finally grabbed the torch out of her hoof-grip with his mouth.
Satisfied that she was able to at least use him for something, she trotted on into the cave. It was very damp inside and she was instantly walking through pools of stagnant water from the dripping stalactites on the ceiling. It barely came up past her hooves, though, so she continued onward. The cave seemed to stretch pretty far back so she could see how ponies could have made their homes here.
As her light bearing companion followed her she looked around all the corners trying to find anything reminiscent of a long lost race of ponies. Unfortunately she couldn't find anything so she just kept going in deeper. They were in there for at least twenty minutes before Leech finally decided to ask a question.
"What are ya' doin'?" As he said this the torch that was previously held in his mouth fell down into the water and was snuffed out. It instantly became pitch black in the cave.
"What did you do?!" Yelled Angel in a mixture of fear and frustration.
"I think I done' dropped the torch."
"Well feel around for it. It's soaked in oil so maybe we can light it up again." They began splashing around in the water for a short time until she felt it. "Got it!"
As soon as she said that she heard a strange hissing noise and some splashing a little ways away. Angel instantly froze up. "What do ya' suppose that was?" Asked Leech.
"Shhh shhh!" She shushed as though whatever it was might not have already heard them. Her heart was racing and she twisted her ears around to try to find any other sound. After a few minutes of silence she finally relaxed enough to move. She put the torch in her mouth (ignoring the fact that it was in Leech's mouth before) and reached into her bags and began fumbling with the matches. You have no idea how hard it is to use matches with hoofs.
Eventually she lit one and was able to light up the torch. It wasn't as bright as before as some of the oil seemed to have been washed away, but it was good enough to get out of the cave. "Aha, I got it!" She yelled victoriously before looking around. Her heart practically jumped out of her chest when she saw the thing standing on the edge of her field of light.
At first glance it might appear to be a dark teal pony, however it definitely wasn't just a pony. For started its bottom jaw was larger than that of a normal pony and revealed a row of sharp, pointed teeth. Its eyes were almost the same shade as its coat and the pupils resembled that of a goat. Then she noticed it had two pairs of tentacles that were lazily swinging around in the air on its sides.
They just sat there and stared at each for what seemed like forever to Angel. She had never been this terrified in her life. Then it opened its mouth and to her surprise, spoke. "Hi, I'm NobodyPro, and I'm gone eat you!"
That was enough to finally startle her into submission and she turned and sprinted towards the light that signified the entrance to the cave. Behind her she could hear Rasping Leech screaming as the monster began tearing into his flesh. She didn't care though, she was too scared to even dare look back. Surprisingly, she didn't trip on anything on the way out, and made it to the entrance in record time. She didn't stop there though, she continued sprinting through the forest at speeds that would make an olympic athlete jelly.
She ran for at least a half hour and only finally stopped when she reached the town and ran out of adrenalin. She would have collapsed there in exhaustion if the ground wasn't covered in the horrid sludge. Instead she braced herself up with her four hoofs and panted for a few minutes. "I could really *breath* use some *breath* water." She said to no one in particular.
"You need water?!" She looked up to see a mule with little black hairs sticking out all over his face. He was holding a see-through bottle with some kind of sludge inside.
"Nope nope nope!" She yelled, suddenly finding the energy to get away from this horrible filthy place.
She continued walking until she got near the train station which was a little ways out of town. At least that wasn't AS bad as the rest of the place. Thankfully, they had benches there for her to rest on while she waited for the next train. She continued to sit there for about an hour and was starting to doze off before someone said her name. She practically jumped up fearing that the monster had come for her flesh.
"Are you miss Angel Lionheart?" She looked around and saw a male pegasus nearby holding a letter in her hooves.
"Ummmm, yeah, whos asking?"
"Dr. Awkward, nice to meet you!"
Angel looked him up and down. "You don't look like a doctor."
"And you don't look like an angel, or a lion, or a heart." I guess he has a point.
"Alright, what do you want?"
"I have this letter for you. Apparently it's pretty important if they made me come all the way out here to find you."
Angel grabbed the letter and looked at it for a moment while Dr. Awkward flew off. She literally had no idea what it could possibly be, so she opened it. Inside was a nicely written letter inviting her to some party hosted by a Mr. Paul. The name didn't seem familiar, but it must be important if he would send her a letter about it.
At least it's better than staying in this hell hole. She was pretty surprised that no huge mosquitos had given her all kinds of diseases yet. At least she hoped they hadn't. That would really put a damper on her evening. She was also pretty excited to get away from that monster. No doubt it would haunt her dreams for years to come.
This came out better than I thought it would. I had no idea what I was gonna' type about until I started so it was kinda' weird. Anyways, thanks for commenting, it fills my heart with sunshine sunshine every time I read them.... That awkward moment when you realize that only four different people have commented on the last ten chapters.... (That made it easy)
Paul decides to defeat Celestia
Ethesto's note: Sorry the last two chapters were pretty rambunctious and had little to do with the story, I just felt like typing something different. I probably should have just typed one of the many story ideas I've come up with that I'm not motivated to work on.
"So when are we going to defeat Celestia?" I looked over at Steve in slight confusion. That was a pretty strange question to ask.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, you told that spider that you were going to defeat Celestia." He did have a point.
"I suppose you're right."
"Besides, she also attacked the spy crabs with per ponies. She started it."
"I mean, yeah. I guess if you want to we can go defeat Celestia." I said with a shrug.
"Sweet, let's go do that."
"K." After coming to a conclusion about our next course of action we walked into our nice castle that had been completely cleaned since the party two days ago. It wasn't hard to find Dance Blaster, he was hanging out in his room on the fourth floor like usual. We just walked in without knocking to see him sitting on the floor in a circle of runes talking to some a silver spoon and a diamond tiara.
He jumped up as soon as we entered and looked around frantically. "Uh, hey guys."
I felt that I would get right to the point so I said only one word. "Shvoons." Admittedly, I pronounce 'spoons' pretty weird, but that's just me.
"Hehe." He laughed and refused to make eye contact with me. "I may have put the souls of some little foals who made fun of me once in Ponyville into these things. I talk to them sometimes."
I looked at him for a few seconds as he shifted nervously wondering if I should question further. It didn't take long for me to decide that I just don't care. I really don't give a shit about 95% of stuff that happens. "K. Well we're going to defeat Celestia now. How are the spy crabs doing?"
Now that I had changed the subject he looked less fidgety and was actually able to look at me and Steve (who was chuckling to himself). "Well, they're about eight thousand strong right now and they are reproducing at a steady rate. I got some of them to start making knifes the other day so we have plenty of weapons."
"Well ok."
"So, how are we going to defeat Celestia?"
"Hmmm, I hadn't really thought of that, perhaps we can just storm Canterlot."
"But that is their stronghold (Terra Stronghold), wouldn't it be easier to just attack like, Ponyville or something? That way we could weaken them and get supplies and stuff." Well he has a point there. Ponyville isn't that far away too.
"Well, sure I guess. Supplies are cool and stuff. The only problem is, the second we attack Ponyville the ponies will know that we're waging war on them and then we won't have the element of surprise when we hit Canterlot."
Dance Blaster put a hoof to his chin and thought about it for a while. "Perhaps we can test our troops' stealth capabilities. We get a bunch of them to infiltrate Ponyville, then when the moment is right they take it over in one fell swoop."
"Sure, why not? I honestly don't have a better plan, so we'll go with that." I just shrugged. Waging war isn't serious business. "Tell the spy crabs to make some masks and then we'll head to Ponyville."
Steve chose this time to join in. "This plan sounds horrible. I literally don't see any way that this could possibly work."
"Shut up Steve, this plan is brilliant. What could possibly go wrong?"
Meanwhile in Canterlot, Celestia was plotting (hehe plot) her next move. She'd already declared war against Paul and his army of vile creatures, but now she had to figure out how to defeat her enemy. The zebras and donkeys had agreed to send aid, so she could expect at least a few thousand troops from them and the minotaurs had even agreed to send a few soldiers. There was still no word from the diamond dogs, but that was to be expected. Of course, all she could do right now is just wait for them. It wouldn't be wise to engage the enemy before they got the reinforcements.
She was still pouring over several maps of various areas of Equestria, though. She noted that Paul's castle, which was likely the staging ground for his attack, wasn't very far from Canterlot. Similarly, it was pretty close to Ponyville too. Guessing that Paul would likely target the undefended settlement first, she came up with her next move. She'd need to evacuate Ponyville. At least there would be plenty of room in Canterlot for them for the time.
With her next action planned out she began writing a letter to Twilight Sparkle.
I looked out over the five hundred or so spy crabs as they made paper masks. For some reason, all they need to disguise themselves perfectly as any thing is a mask of it. Thankfully this didn't take long as I didn't feel like sitting there all day watching them do arts and crafts. Once they were done I had Dance Blaster order them to march towards Ponyville. It was only like six miles away so the walk didn't take too long, but I had plenty of time to contemplate what I need to do next.
Unfortunately I couldn't think of anything else that needed to be done as I'd been pretty productive over the last two days. I spent most of my time in the basement forging armor since there wasn't much else to do. My own armor wasn't anything fancy, aside from the gold helmet, studded with a few rubies and crested with a tuft of red feathers, that I had hammered into shape. I suspect that it belonged to one of the guard ponies at some point because of the design. Everything else was just thin pieces of metal that covered parts of my chest, back, shoulders, and the front of my arms and legs. The pieces were connected with thin belts I made out of leather. It really didn't cover everything as there were big gaps in between the armor pieces, but perhaps it would help. In the very least it's not very heavy.
Stephen's armor is pretty much the opposite. I made him a full outfit of plate armor as well as a helmet that covers almost his entire body. It would be much too heavy for anyone else to use, but he's pretty tuff since he's just a big zombie made out of muscles.
As for Dance Blaster's, I just made him armor similar to what I'd seen on Celestia's guards. It was just a few dull metal plates that covered several vital areas without restricting movement or being too heavy. As for the helmet, it covers his whole head and the face mask is a skull design where you can see out the eye holes. I thought he'd appreciate that since he's into necrophelia or whatever he calls it.
I didn't have to build armor for Steve because he's already made of metal and making it for the demon conch would just be worthless, especially since he doesn't seem to break as easily as a normal shell anyways. I also contemplated building some armor for sprinkles, but I figured he wouldn't like that much. Besides, if he is in a battle he'll probably end up carrying someone around. I doubt he'd be able to move at all with armor while also carrying around Stephen's heavy ass.
Dance Blaster had been similarly productive over the past few days, As the spy crabs brought him fresh corpses he reanimated them and now he had a horde of small woodland creatures. I don't really see the point in this, but whatever floats his metaphorical boat. Steve, on the other hand, has done nothing productive whatsoever.
As I continued thinking about that, Dance Blaster informed me that we were close to Ponyville. Now was the time to infiltrate their ranks and claim another victory for our glorious nation! It occurred to me right then that we don't actually have a nation. Oh well, I'll deal with that later.
"Alright, tell them to put on the masks and head into town. The ponies will never know what hit them." As Dance Blaster gave the order all of the spy crabs put on their masks and disappeared only to reappear as teal unicorns. All of them... "What the fuck?! Why do they all look the same?" I looked at Dance Blaster for some kind of explanation.
"What, don't look at me. I don't understand this either." I looked back at the crowd of teal unicorns and inspected them more closely. Yep, they all had the same gold eyes, teal and white hair and tail, and lyre butt tattoo. I took a moment to facepalm as I realized what happened. They had all made masks to look like that one unicorn, I think it was named Lyra, that the spy had lived with when we first crashed here.
"Perhaps we should have them remake the masks." Said Dance Blaster.
"Too late now. We left the arts and crafts supplies back at the castle. Besides, they used up almost all of the paper."
"Then what are we going to do?"
I just smirked. "Go along with the plan. Perhaps the ponies won't notice..." Hey, it's the best plan I had and I was gonna stick to it.
This is shorter than I thought. Pshhhh what-evs. Next time, the spy crabs assault Ponyville.... Kinda.....
It was shaping up to be a beautiful summer morning in Ponyville. The sun was just cresting the horizon causing the morning dew to sparkle ever so slightly. The birds were waking up for the day and chirping to themselves as they devoured countless worms. Even the weather wasn't too hot as Celestia's sun had yet to fully rise and bake the air with its angry, skin-cancer-inducing heat waves. Of course, any pony who happened to be up this early would be hard pressed to admire the wonders of nature this morning.
They would more than likely be focused on the army emerging from the Everfree forest and marching into town. Now, the army itself was hardly threatening as it was composed entirely of ponies, none of which looked to be armed. Rather, any bystanders would probably be focused on the strangeness of the group as every single pony looked the same. That is unheard of for ponies. Normally, each pony is unique in both color and cutie mark.
Thankfully for any witness's sanity and for the group of ponies, only the birds were there to watch them walking into town. Once they were inside, the Lyras moved throughout the town and tried their best to blend in while waiting for their moment to strike. As the sun came up further, the ponies began to stir from their ancient slumbers. One by one they exited their homes and began their daily routines, blissfully unaware of how many Lyras there were.
As always, Pinkie Pie was up early and was already hopping around town saying 'hi' to any pony she saw. "Hi Lyra! Hi Lyra! Hi Lyra! Hi Lyra! Hi Lyra!" Pretty much the only ponies up that early were all the Lyras, but she was unperturbed by this and continued on. Her determination to greet everyone was truly admirable.
It was a different story for Bon-bon. She knew Lyra quite well as they had been roommates for several years. She even considered Lyra to be one of her best friends. Of course, everything changed when they had Paul over for dinner. She still didn't fully comprehend what happened that night. Suddenly the other pony that was staying with them just transformed and him and Paul had a brief fight. That wasn't nearly as strange as what happened next as Lyra somehow shape shifted multiple times and then jumped out the window. She hadn't seen Lyra since then.
Being the always rational earth pony that she is, Bon-bon simply couldn't wrap her mind around what happened. In fact she pretty much went crazy. She constantly had strange dreams of that night and she couldn't stop thinking of Lyra transforming into things. For some reason she started to become obsessed with the idea that Lyra could be any of the other ponies that she talked to during the day. It was enough to drive her to seek mental help and she'd been visiting a shrink for the past few days.
She had gotten up pretty early this morning after having a dream where Lyra turned into some monster with multiple rotating heads and chased her around the house for several hours. It left her on edge and she constantly looked around to make sure the monster wasn't going to pop out randomly. Still a little shaky from just waking up, she filled herself up a cup of coffee and sat in her kitchen for a while just drinking alone. It was fun and all, but eventually she felt the need to get her mind off of the topic of Lyra. She quickly decided that she could use some fresh air and headed out the front door with coffee mug still in hoof.
She got outside and closed the door behind her before turning around to a strange sight. Well, not so much strange as horrifying. So horrifying, in fact, that it took her brain a few moments to register the scene before her. Lyras... Lyras everywhere! She dropped the coffee mug out of her magical hoof-grip and it shattered on the cobblestone street as her pupils shrunk to pinpricks.
Everything seemed to slow down as she looked straight ahead. There, just across the street, a group of Lyras was talking to each other. Her eyes shifted to the right where she saw another Lyra walking by, minding its own business. Her eyes quickly darted to a pair of Lyras that were walking together in the other direction towards yet another group of Lyras. Then she looked back to her left where she saw Pinkie Pie hopping down the street in slow motion.
"Hiiiiii Lyyyyyyraaaaaaa! Hiiiiii Lyyyyyyraaaaaaa! Hiiiiii Lyyyyyyraaaaaaa! " She said in a deep voice.
Her rational mind decided that that was a good time to take a vacation leaving her gasping in shock as her heart began to beat at a dangerously high rate. With the rational part of her mind gone, the rest of her brain decided to do its best to make sense of the situation. Alas, there were simply too many Lyras for her brain to comprehend. There was an audible 'snap' as her brain seemed to collapse in on itself and she fell to the ground, dead in a pool of her own coffee.
Twilight had her own reasons for getting up early. For one, today was her list day where she would make check lists for the next month. It was a process that would take her and Spike all day so she had to get up early for that. Well, she was going to do that today, until Spike spat up a letter from the princess.
The letter asked for her to get all the ponies in town to evacuate by midday. Apparently Celestia thought that Paul would stoop so low as to attack the undefended town instead of attacking Canterlot directly. She was slightly upset that she wouldn't be able to make literally a ton of lists, but she followed her mentor's orders anyways.
Walking outside she instantly noticed that something was wrong. It isn't hard to guess what. The streets were literally crawling with Lyras. Twilight looked to her left and saw a group of the teal unicorns crawling down the street on their bellies. Without saying anything she turned around and walked back into the library.
"Spike! Are you up yet!" She called out.
After a few moments Spike appeared at the top of the stairs while rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. "Yeah, I'm up. I thought we weren't writing all the lists today because of what Celestia said."
Twilight rolled her eyes. "We aren't. I need you to write a letter to Celestia for me."
He looked at her skeptically. "What for?"
"Just go get some paper!" She waved him off impatiently with a hoof as he returned to the writing desk in her room. He soon emerged with a quil and scroll. "Alright. Dear princess Celestia. I walked outside my house this morning and there were literally dozens of Lyras. Lyra is a random unicorn that disappeared from town a few days ago. What do I do? This is not a joke. Sincerely, Twilight Sparkle. Now send it!"
He looked at her like she was crazy for a few seconds before shrugging and blowing his magical green fire all over the paper. The smoke formed up into a ball and flew off, out a window, and towards the castle. "Are there really a bunch of Lyras out there?"
"Yes." She stated while sitting down on her flank and crossing her forelegs. "I'm not crazy."
It sounded more like she was trying to convince herself that Spike, but he didn't notice that. He was too busy walking over to a window to take a look around. Sure enough, there were Lyras everywhere. "Woah. At least now more than one pony believes in humans. Ca-raaaazy!" He joked to himself.
"Buck you, Spike. Humans are real!" She yelled before putting a hoof over her mouth.
Spike looked taken aback by her uncharacteristic outburst and confession to believing in humans. "Wha-what?" He sputtered out.
She quickly avoided eye contact and put on a big, innocent smile. "Hehe, I was joking of course. Humans... Pshhh... That's crazy talk."
Spike continued to stare at her for a few moments. "Oooookay..." He stated plainly before coming down with a sudden wheezing fit. He looked like a cat trying to rid itself of a hair ball as he hacked out a thin stream of fire that coalesced into a scroll.
Twilight quickly grabbed it up in her magic, happy to change the subject while reading over it. After a few moments Spike started to get curious.
"What does it say?"
"Celestia says that it's likely the changelings planning another attack, though very poorly. She said to do the evacuation and ignore them for now. Once we get to Canterlot we'll deal with them."
"Ch-changelings! Here?" Spike shivered in place for a moment. "You don't think they'll attack us, do you?"
"Calm down Spike. They'll probably try to blend in like they usually do. Besides, if they attack I'll just gut them with my magic."
Spike didn't seem very reassured by her violent threats and hid himself in a corner away from any windows. Twilight just sighed and decided that she'd deal with him later. "Alright, I'm going to town hall to get everypony evacuated. I'll come back later."
I sat in a tall tree looking at Ponyville with my super sex raptor eyes. Dance Blaster was sitting next to me with a pair of binoculars. I watched as our glorious army of Lyras infiltrated the town and easily blended in with the locals. None of the ponies seemed to be paying any mind to them and just went about their morning routines as though nothing strange was going on at all. It went on like that for a while until all the ponies, including the Lyras, started to gather by the town hall.
"What are they doing now?" Asked Dance Blaster. "You think they're on to us?"
I squinted and after a moment I was able to recognize none other than Twilight Sparkle on the podium at the front of the crowd. She seemed to be giving the ponies instructions, but none of the locals looked like they were suddenly weary of the Lyras. "Nope. Looks like she's giving them directions."
"Directions for what?"
I looked back at the crowd to see if I could glean anymore information from them but it was futile. "I don't know. I guess we'll wait and see." Oh well, if they attack the spy crabs they'll be able to defend themselves. They have their knifes even though they are disguised to look as though they don't. Besides, I could easily jump into the fight if it comes down to that. I've been wanting some revenge on purple guy after she betrayed me.
I'd just shoot her from here with my syringe rifle, but I don't think I'd be able to hit her from so far away. At least not on my first try. It would be better not to take the change and accidently give ourselves away. No, once Equestria is in ashes, then she has my permission to die!
I was brought out of my mental quoting of Bane as all the ponies in town departed to their respective homes. "What are they doing now?"
"It looks like they're going home."
"Well that's disappointing, when should we make the spy crabs strike?"
I looked back out at the town and thought about it. "You know, we probably should have told them to attack while all the ponies were grouped together. That way they could have killed them all in one fell swoop."
"Yeah..." Replied Dance Blaster. "That was klnda' a fail..."
At least we didn't have to wait long as the ponies soon returned to the town square with bags on their backs. "What are they doing now?"
"I don't know. You can see them as clearly as I can!" It was kinda' annoying how he kept asking me.
"Well, should we make them attack?"
"Hmmm, no. I want to see what they're up to."
After about twenty minutes of watching, the several thousand ponies headed off down the road that went towards Canterlot. The Lyras followed them, blending in perfectly with the crowd. "Oh. It looks like they're evacuating the town." I said in a calm voice.
Then I realized what this meant. I jumped up and nearly fell out of the tree while shouting. "Wooo! Ponyville is mine! Victory for me!" Luckily the ponies were too far away to hear my outburst. "Hey yo Dance Blaster, go get some spy crabs. We're looting the shit out of this town!"
"What about the Lyras?"
"They're doing a good job fitting in so far, perhaps we can use them to infiltrate Canterlot."
Next time! Paul loots the shit out of Ponyville! Won't it be fun?!
I guarantee it will.
Wooo just hit 100k words on this story... Damn this is getting long... (That's what she said!)
Author writing stuff's: So I typed most of this chapter like a week ago... Idk why I didn't publish it then...
"Steeeeeve!" I pushed the door open and ran into the castle. "STEEEEEVE!" I yelled again. I was about to call for a third time when I saw the unicorn robot coming down the stairs.
"You better have a good reason for being so annoying you son of a dick." He said, clearly not pleased by my yelling. I wasn't phased by his rude behavior though.
"There you are, I thought I was gonna have to sit here yelling for you all day."
"Go ahead and do that, I'll just turn off my ears, fuck face!" I forgot I built him so he was able to do that...
"Well, now that you're here I don't need to. Anyways, come with me. We're goin' to Ponyville!"
"Why would I want to go there? That town looks like it sucks. Besides, all the ponies around here are jerks." I wonder if he realized that he's a huge jerk too.
"That's true. Some of them even tried to murder me. Well... One of them did murder me..."
"Then why do you want to go back there?"
I smiled as wide as I could when he asked that. "They evacuated the town."
His robot eyes grew wide when I said that. "You mean... The town is empty?"
If it was possible, my smile got even wider. "Yep."
"Then what are we waiting for? Hop on!" I didn't need to be told twice. I jumped on his back and we rocketed through the wall of the castle. It took me a few seconds to come to my senses after busting through a brick wall. I'm pretty surprised that I even managed to hold on.
"Ouch... You could have waited 'til we were outside..." I said as I spat a few chunks of bricks out of my mouth.
He looked back at my slightly bruised face and laughed. "Nope, that's stupid." Oh well, we can just fix that hole later.
It didn't take long to get there with Steve flying me and soon enough we were circling over Ponyville. After seeing that there was in fact no pony in town, we landed in the square next to a statue of Celestia.
"All right, we have all of Ponyville to ourselves. What should we do first?" Asked Steve.
I looked around briefly before I got a good idea. Pulling a flat piece of stone off of the road I tossed it up at the statue, managing to break off one of the wings. "Whatever we want."
Steve seemed to like the idea as he jumped up and punched the statue in half. "Fuck you Celestia!"
"I never knew you hated her so much."
He looked at me for a few seconds in confusion. "Are you kidding me? She acts like she's all special and stuff waving the sun around in the sky like she owns the place. She never even cared what us fish thought."
"You know, this planet orbits around the sun. I've been to space. She's a big fat liar!"
"See. All the more reason to dislike her. Now where to next?"
I looked around until I spotted the library tree a few blocks away. "Hehe, I know exactly where to go." I ran down the street and kicked the library's door in. "Heeeeeres Jacky!" Unfortunately, Steve was the only one around to get my reference.
"What is this? Some kind of dumb tree home?" Tarzan certainly wouldn't appreciate those words.
"This is Twilight's house." He didn't look like he recognized the name so I decided to clarify. "The unicorn who murdered me, then told the police on me. Anyways she had a hard on for books or something."
Steve looked around at the many bookshelves that lined the walls. "You don't say."
"Anyways, let's steal any books that we might need."
He looked disappointed. "Awww, we're just gonna steal them?"
"Only some of them. Then afterwards we're burning this place to the ground."
"Down the ground?"
"Down to the ground." I confirmed while nodding my head. Although it's hard to read his robot face, which is more expressionless then a normal face, it wasn't hard to tell that he was excited. "Alright, go through and get any books on history and geography and pile them up outside along with anything that looks valuable. I don't think we really need anything else."
We quickly went through the house and found a few dozen books that might be useful and put them in a little stack in the middle of the street. I even found a book labelled 'Twilight's Diary' that was hidden under her bed. Needless to say, I stole that. Once that was done we pulled a bunch of books off the shelves and ripped their pages off, covering the floor in flammable paper.
"Any clever comments before we burn the shit out of this place?" I asked Steve.
"This fire will go down in the history books!"
That was really lame... "That was so bad they're probably going to put a picture of you next to the word 'bad' in any future dictionaries."
"Hey pal, you're barkin' up the wrong tree if you think you can insult me."
"WOOD you stop making such bad jokes?!"
"LEAF me alone. My jokes are PINE!" Oh god... Tree puns!
"Pine cone, maybe."
"Ok yeah, That whole conversation was just awful. Thank the nonexistant fish gods that no one was around to hear that."
"Agreement achieved." I said while looking around to make sure that no one heard that embarrassing display of jokes. "Would you like to do the honors?" I asked as I handed him a lit match.
He just slapped it out of my hand. "Fuck that noob shit. Step aside!" Without waiting for me to actually move, he turned and fired a bolt of electricity into the piles of paper using his weapon. That was more than enough to set the paper alight and the fire quickly filled up the entire room. We ran out the front door as the shelves and everything caught on fire.
Turning around to gaze at the quickly growing inferno that we started, I couldn't help but shed a single tear. "It's beautiful man."
"My beauty sensors indicate that you are correct." Yeah, I gave him beauty sensors...
We just stood there for about half an hour and watched the building burn until it was nothing but a pile of charred wood and various pieces of metal. Thankfully, the tree was far enough away from the other buildings to where they didn't burst into flames too. We didn't really think about how flammable the whole town is until after we started the fire. I mean, who builds houses out of wood with thatch roofs? That's just a fire waiting to happen!
Either way, the rest of the town was conveniently unburnt. I wouldn't have cared that much if the other houses did burn, I just want to loot them still. Who knows, maybe we'll find money and shit. But I'll let the spy crabs waste their time with that. Steve and I are here to have some fun.
"Where to next?" Asked Steve.
I thought about it for a moment before thinking about bacon. I think about bacon at least once every twenty seconds. "To the farm!" I shouted as I jumped onto his back. It would normally be a several minute walk, but flying we were there in no time. We landed in front of the barn and I couldn't help but remember all the cows that had sexually harassed me in my short time working here.
It didn't take long for me to see that all of the farm animals were still here. I guess they do seem smart enough to take care of themselves. The cows can even talk! That just brings up more questions about why the ponies keep them here. They treat the cows like slaves! Oh well, I'm here to liberate them. Liberate them into steak!
I got off Steve and kicked the barn door open, surprising the dozens of cows inside. They looked at me for a few seconds, clearly confused before they started to smile. "Hey handsome!" One said.
"You come back to give momma some sugar?" Asked another while making a kissy face.
I just smirked at them. "Nope. IT'S RAPING TIME!!!" I yelled as I pulled the sword off my back. Their smiles instantly disappeared as I moved over and stabbed the closest cow in the face.
Then came the screaming. "NO!" "GET AWAY FROM US!" "STOP!"
"Stop?!" I asked almost innocently. "There are no breaks on the rape train!"
What happened next could only be described as a massacre and it will not be featured in this story. Needless to say, Steve was surprised when I exited the barn carrying an arm full of perfectly cut steaks.
"What are you going to do with those?" He asked gesturing at my payload of steaks.
"Eat them probably." I said nonchalantly.
"So you're going to carry them around all day?" Oh yeah, I hadn't though about that. I promptly dropped my food into the dirt.
"I'll just tell the spy crabs to pick it up for me. Same with the pigs."
"K." He said. "Anything else?"
"Well we need to loot everything important from the town, then we should destroy it imo. Of course, we can let the spy crabs go door to door and do that. Let's just go wreck some shit."
"You know. That's probably the best idea you've ever had."
I smiled at the compliment. All the male bonding. It was looking like a proper bromantic comedy all up in here. "Well then, let's go!"
If there was a montage sequence anywhere in this chapter, it would be right here. We started out by 'accidently' knocking over the windmill next to the old barn before we went back to town. The first place we stopped at was Pinkie Pie's old house where we gorged ourselves on various pastries. Steve ate them somehow even though he's a robot. Don't ask me how things work, I really don't know. While there I couldn't help but remember all the fond memories we shared, such as having a party and making cupcakes together. I'd probably feel bad about messing around in her house if she hadn't betrayed me and tried to stab me.
We left the building in pretty good condition, aside from some pastries smashed against the walls. Next we went to Lyra's house. That is one of the few buildings I ever went in, so it felt right. Of course we stopped when we saw a dead pony body by the doorway. It was the one that was there when I went to dinner with Lyra that one time, the tan one with purple and blue hair. It was weird seeing it there. In their panic the ponies just left a dead body here... I think her name was Bonny or something.
Steve walked up and poked her a few times with his hoof. "Yep. She's dead alright."
"Huh... Should we burry her or something?"
Steve just looked at the body for a few moments before shrugging. "I guess so."
Steve dragged the body over to the park while I found a large flat stone and carried it over. After putting her under a few feet of dirt I placed the stone where her head would be and carved some stuff into it.
Here lies Bonny (or something)
"I didn't put those in my bag"
???-???
Yeah, that's the best we were able to do. Steve nudged me with an elbow and cleared his throat. Oh right, maybe I should say something. "I didn't know Bonny very well. But what I do know is that she was an earth pony. She was a tannish color with blue and purple hair. One time she cooked vegetable soup for me. I don't much like vegetables, but I ate it to be polite." I'm not a very good eulogizer (or eugoogalizer as Zoolander would say).
"That was beautiful man." Said Steve as he wiped a robot tear from his eye. "I want you to speak at my funeral."
"Will do captain." I said as I turned away from the grave. "Now lets go rob her house!"
"Sounds like a plan!" He said as we ran back towards town to continue our destruction.
So we did. Most of the house was filled with worthless furniture and shit, but we found bags of money hidden underneath their beds. I don't know why these ponies think putting stuff under their beds is a good hiding place, that's like the first place I check for valuables. Either way I got to thinking that maybe the rest of the ponies didn't take all of their life savings with them on the trip so their money was up for grabs.
"Do they have a bank here?" Asked Steve.
I turned and looked at him about to answer when I realized that I had no idea. If they had a bank that would make finding all the money much easier. "I don't know."
"Well let's go find out."
"K, how we gone' do that?"
"They probably have a map somewhere or something... A bank would be on a map." He said. His logic was outstanding, I had to give him that.
"You know, you're right." I pointed out before walking out of the building. "Let's go to the town hall and get a mibbity-map!"
The 'town hall' was a rather large wooden building that towered above every other building in Ponyville. Mainly because it was the only building that was five stories tall. Of course, it didn't look very well-maintained. The wood looked old and likely needed to be replaced very soon if the building was going to remain structurally sound. The idea of the building collapsing didn't stop me from kicking the door in, however. What's the point in even robbing a building if you aren't going to kick the door in like a badass?
"So how do we find it?" Asked Steve as he came up behind me. The main floor of the building was a large reception area that they probably used for important parties and stuff. Aside from a few desks against one wall where secretaries sit it was more or less empty. I looked around a bit and saw a door on the adjacent wall.
"Simple, we go through that door!" I said while walking over and kicking it open. Thankfully, it led to the stairs. According to the sign next to the stairwell, the third and fourth floor are where they keep all the legal documents while the top floor is the mayor's office.
Deciding that the office was probably a stupid place to go we instead went into the third floor. Unfortunately, the whole room was just filled with cabinets stuffed with legal documents. All of that was pretty worthless to us, though I did smile at how mad the ponies would be when they find all of their important documents destroyed. We then went up to the fourth floor and were pleased to find that about half of it was some kind of library with all kinds of information on the town.
We only had to rummage through everything for about a minute before Steve found a relatively new map. It had all of the landmarks of the town clearly marked, unfortunately there was no bank.
"What the hell, this town sucks!" I yelled in outrage. "They don't even have a jail! No wonder they took me to Canterlot when I got arrested. But really, what kind of shitty town doesn't have a bank?" I was really just disappointed that I wouldn't be able to rob a bank. That sounded like a lot of fun, even if there were no guards.
Steve just came up and patted my shoulder. "I know that feel bro. I've always wanted to rob a bank."
We both sighed in defeat as we walked out of the building. "Oh well, maybe they have a bank in Canterlot we can rob or something..." Once we got out into the street we saw Dance Blaster walking towards us followed by a bunch of spy crabs.
"Heya Paul. What have you been up to?" He asked once he got close.
"Just lootin' and pollutin'." I said with a shrug. I'm sure captain planet would be pretty pissed if he saw me doing this. Thankfully, he died in a car accident so I don't have to worry about that. "Anyways, now that you're here, we need to loot all these buildings."
"Ummm ok. Anything specific we should take?"
"Just anything that looks valuable. From the looks of it the ponies keep their money hidden around their houses since there is no bank in town and I doubt they all carried their life saving with them when they evacuated. That's the problem with using gold coins as currency, gold is fucking heavy. So yeah, make sure to check under the beds and stuff."
"Well alright. I can do that." He turned around and started to walk back to the assembled spy crabs.
"Oh and Dance Blaster." He looked back at me. "Make sure to destroy everything when you're done."
He returned the smile that was plastered on my face before walking off. With that said I turned and faced Steve once again. "Alright, let's go fuck up some more buildings!"
Yep, Ponyville gets destroyed. How often does that happen?
So I haven't felt much like typing recently. Sorry no updates and all that stuff... Oh well, I have the next few chapters somewhat planned out and I think they'll be good. When I say 'planned out' I mean I have an idea what I want them to be about and what happens in general. I can never actually plan anything out because I come up with most of it while typing, that's just how I do things.
I really want Halo 4 to come out so I can type the sequel to Halo man in Equestria... :[
Paul partakes in another chapter
Super! Author! WORDS!: This chapter was brought to you by the letter 'S' and the color 'green'.
"They're all dead!" I looked over to see an angry looking Dance Blaster walking into the main room of the castle where I was hanging out. I guess he must have finished looting Ponyville. I suppose this is the part where I come up with something intelligent and witty to say as a response.
"W-hat?" I asked while making a shape of a 'W' with my claws and putting it on my head. Close enough...
"I done says'd 'they're all dead'!" Stupid pony being all cryptic. I suppose for everyone else's sake I'll ask what he's whining about.
"Alright, that's cool I guess. But for the sake of any audience that might be concerned here, who is the dead and why should I, or anyone else, care?"
"I could answer that question easy!" I looked at him for a few seconds to see if he would go on. It didn't look like it, he was just staring at me. I suppose I'll have to humor him once again by responding.
"Then you should do just that."
"Let me just explain it all simple-like so your smaller-than-average brain capacitators can understand." Damn, Dance Blaster is going hard today. "Celestia killed the spy crabs!"
If I had a drink I probably would have spat it out at that moment. "Woah woah woah. How about you put down those horses and run that by me again."
"Celestia. Killed. The. Spy crabs! Is that clear enough for you?"
My eye twitched for a second as I thought about what he said. "What... Why? Why would she do that?"
"After the ponies from Ponyville got to Canterlot she murdered all of the spy crabs that were with them!" He said while flailing his fore legs around angrily.
"So she just decides to murder them? Oh well that's just fan-fucking-(raptor)tastic! Celestias being a bitch again, nothing new! But really, who does that?! Who just goes around killing spy crabs!?" I admit I was kinda' pissed about this.
"So what are we going to do?" He asked hopefully.
"Well it's clear that we can't live here in peace and harmony any longer because of the ponies' xenophobic and warlike nature, so we'll just have to play their game."
"What game are we talking about... Exactly? Because I want to make sure we're on the same page here."
"If Celestia is going to be a big ol' bitch tit then I'll just go destroy Canterlot." I thought it was a pretty cool idea.
"Ummm... How exactly are you planning to do that? It's kinda' the strongest defended position in the entire country."
"Yes, but you forget that it's a country full of ponies... My cat has taken poops in her litter box that are more threatening then them."
"Well alright, but you still didn't explain how you plan on taking out Canterlot."
"It's simple. They built their castle on a fucking cliff side... Do you know how stupid that is?! We can just set some explosive charges on the side of the mountain and GG. The whole cliff is gone along with the city." I emphasized my point by making a little 'poof' noise and waving my claws around.
"Seriously? That's your plan? That will never work!" What? Explosives not working? That's proposterone!
"Why not? It seems like it would work to me."
"Alright, sorry. For a second there I forgot that I'm dealing with a partially retarded mutant dragon thing. You don't think anyone else has tried to destroy the city that way? The city and cliffside are both kept up by powerful magic that has been there for hundreds of years. Explosives won't do anything." First he's being a dick, then he starts talking about 'magic' again? Is he trying to invalidate his own argument by bringing up magic?
"I don't believe in magic." Checkmate atheists!
Dance Blaster sighed and struck himself repeatedly in the face with his hoof, clearly trying to comprehend my magnificent mind. "Alright, how about this? They have very powerful technology that keeps the cliff and the city from collapsing."
"You see, that makes much more sense. You should have just said that to start with instead of making up lies." I could practically taste the rage in the glare he gave me for that one. "Well I guess if we can't just blow the city up we'll just have to go for a direct assault."
"And how the hell are we supposed to do that?"
I raised an eyebrow and gave my best, 'really?' look. "I find your lack of faith disturbing. We have a big enough army, we can just march up, break the gate down, and overwhelm them."
"There are a lot of problems with your plan, so allow me to point some of them out. First off, there's only one way up to the gates from the ground and that's through a long path up the mountain. It levels out into a large open area close to the gate but until then our troops will be bottled up making them extremely susceptible to attacks from the air. In case you haven't noticed, about a third of the population here has wings, meaning we'll be dead long before we reach the gates."
"So we use the Apache Helicopters as air support. No big deal."
"I suppose that could potentially work, assuming that the helicopters don't get completely swarmed. But even then, how are we supposed to get through the gate? No doubt they'll put unicorn force fields on it so it'll take a lot more than a few missiles to break it down. And there's no way we can push a huge siege wagon all the way up the mountain."
I pondered this for a few moments before coming up with an idea. "Say, didn't we kill a huge dragon a few days ago?"
"Well yeah, but I don't see wha-" He stopped talking as recognition hit him.
"And you just happen to be a necrophiliac." I continued.
"Necromancer*" He corrected. "But perhaps that could work. Alright, even if we get into the city, what's to say that we can defeat the defense there? We have no idea how many there could be. Besides, I heard that Celestia and Luna are pretty powerful. Not to mention they have the elements of harmony."
"Woah woah, back up there a little bit. What the hell are the elements of harmony?"
"What do you mean 'what are the elements of harmony'? Everybody knows what those are!" My blank expression encouraged him to go on. "Oh right, I forgot you lack knowledge that even foals know. There are six elements of friendship or something that are wielded by six ponies. I believe at the moment some pony named Twilight Sparkle and her friends wield them, they lived in Ponyville last time I checked, though they probably evacuated to Canterlot with all the other ponies. Anyways when they are all together they can use them as a super weapon or something."
I just stared at him for a few seconds as I tried to register what he was saying. "Ok, so let me get this straight. Twilight, the pony who not only murdered me, but also betrayed and called the cops on me has some kind of super weapon?"
"She's the one who did that? Lol that sucks."
"This just got personal... Well... It was personal before... But now it's even more so."
"Alright, so what do you plan on doing about that?"
"Hmmm... I'll just have to go in and pick them off before they can threaten our army. Yes, that will work perfectly. I'll sneak into the city on Steve's back with the demonic conch while the ponies are distracted by the oncoming army. Then I'll breech the castle and assassinate the shit out of them."
"But if you're doing that, who will be commanding the army?"
"Well duh. You and Stephen can do that. I mean, you control the spy crabs anyways."
"Fine, I guess I can do that. But what makes you so confident you can beat Celestia and the elements of harmony?"
I just gave him a smug grin. "Brooooo I'm the mother fuckin' sex raptor!"
"Well alright... If you're sure about that. So... When do we attack?"
I walked over to a nearby wall and started flipping through my calender. Needless to say I had nothing scheduled. "You have any plans for tomorrow?" I asked nonchalantly.
"No... I guess I can go revive that dragon tonight, aside from that I have no plans."
"C-c-cool beans. Then let's go tomorrow. You get the spy crabs ready and your... Army of undead critters... And I'll go tell Steve about it."
"Sounds good!" He said while putting his hoof in. I put my claw on top and we both shouted "Go team baby rape train!" Before we headed off to do our tasks. While walking through the castle halls in search of Steve I couldn't help but feel a bit excited about tomorrow. Yep, it's gonna be a good day!
Took a while but I finally typed a chapter! I know, I spoil you. Next chapter is the attack on Canterlot. I have this somewhat planned out so hopefully it'll be interesting... Whenever I get around to typing again....
Big Canterlot FFA (Part I)
Me typing things that aren't very important: Yay 500 unique views on this story. Too bad only like 1/7 people actually read past the first few chapters.
Celestia sat on her throne doing her best not to have some kind of mental breakdown. She had just opened up the day court for ponies to come talk to her and she was already being harassed by angry Canterlot elites (no, not the halo aliens. I got the mental image of an elite with a unicorn horn murdering shit with a laser sword...). She hardly even had a chance to finish her coffee this morning. At the moment she was sitting on her throne while one of the many stuck up ponies explained all his problems. Problems, mind you, that are exactly the same as the last five ponies that came in.
What are these problems? Well that's simple. The Canterlot ponies were butthurt. Why? Because they had to share their homes with the residents of Ponyville. After evacuating the entire town into Canterlot it became apparent that there simply wasn't enough room for them in the castle and inns. With that said, Celestia ordered for many of the residents to share their homes with the refugees for the time, something they weren't very happy about.
Of course, that's not the only reason. As luck would have it, they had not one, but two reasons to complain to Celestia. Late yesterday evening aid from Donkeytropolis and Muletopia arrived in the form of about a thousand soldiers. Unfortunately, this meant that they had to cater to a thousand dirty sub-ponies. Celestia despised their kind for the sole reason that they were unholy pony spawns, but they were here to help so she had to be nice. So she gave them room in the alley ways between houses to camp (much to the citizens' relief, they didn't have to invite the dirty sub-ponies into their homes). Unfortunately, they still wanted to complain about them being in the city to start with. If nothing else, the Canterlot ponies are extremely racist, as is the case with most ponies, so they felt the need to come to Celestia and tell her how upset they were about everything.
At the moment she was 'listening' to a particularly whiny unicorn who didn't like how the donkeys tracked dirt on the beautiful streets. Honestly, she was mostly zoned out and just nodded every once in a while, but his annoying voice grated into her ear holes with every word. She probably would have lost it and flayed this pony right here, if Twilight wasn't standing with her. The purple unicorn had been hanging out with Celestia every waking moment since she arrived in Canterlot (again) and it was starting to get annoying. At first she enjoyed the attention, but that ended when she realized just how obsessed with her Twilight is. It's pretty creepy...
So instead of murdering the pony right then and there and scarring Twilight for life, she just leaned her head on a hoof while the unicorn went on about how horrible it is dealing with donkeys. Honestly, she'd rather be dealing with donkeys right now then these ponies. As soon as that thought left her brain meat she was met by a fowl smell. No, not the smell of a donkey. This was one of those smelly smells. It smelled like something that's... Smelly...
She stood up and started taking a few whiffs of the air, much to the unicorn's surprise. She didn't care about him though, this was a familiar smell, and she just couldn't place where it was from. Then recognition suddenly hit her and her eyes widened.
"Princess, what's wrong?" Asked Twilight as she noticed her mentor acting strangely.
She just stood still for a few seconds, before yelling, "Incoming shit storm!" and rushing off through the front door of the castle.
The unicorn and Twilight shared confused looks before the latter ran off after her mentor to see what was going on. Celestia didn't go far, though, as she stopped as soon as she got to the guard's barracks. If her prediction was accurate, things were gonna' get hairier than an orangutan's balls.
She didn't even make it through the door before she was approached by a winded (haha) looking pegasus guard. "Princess!" (Not to be confused with princest [which is best cest, by the way]) He said before bowing.
"At ease." She was about to continue into the barracks when he started talking to her again.
"Princess, I spotted a huge army of Gryphons flying towards the city! They are at least a thousand strong! They'll be here in a few hours!"
Well that explains where the feeling came from. Honestly she was expecting something worse... Gryphons she could handle. "All right, go inform the captains, they can organize the defense." She waved him off with a hoof and allowed herself a moment to calm down before turning to go back to the castle. She was almost immediately met by an exhausted (haha) Twilight Sparkle.
"Wha...Is....The...Problem?" She managed to say between gasping for breath.
"Oh hey, it's no big deal. I thought something bad was going to happen but it turns out we're just being attacked by the gryphons."
"Haha." Twilight laughed for a moment as she began to recover from her earlier respiratory problems. "I was worried that it might be something scary for a second there."
They shared a long laugh at this, which was promptly interrupted as another tired (haha! Ok, it was only a pun the first time...) pegasus flew up to them.
"Princess!" He yelled before bowing.
Celestia just rolled her eyes, this kind of thing got old after a few thousand years. "At ease..."
"We spotted an army coming up the trail to Canterlot! They resemble the things from the forest that we killed, and they'll be here within a few hours!"
"Go inform the captains immediately." She said before dismissing him with another wave of her hoof.
As soon as he was out of ear shot and her and Twilight were alone she allowed herself to react. "FUUUUUUCK!" She shouted, startling Twilight. "Paul is attacking too?! What's next, the sea ponies?!" She looked around to make sure there were no more pegasi guards to fly down and inform them of the impending threat of yet another army.
"I don't see what the problem is." Inquired Twilight. "This way we can destroy all our enemies at once. I mean, they are attacking our most fortified position and we have over three thousand ponies and... sub-ponies defending the city."
"I suppose you're right. Though I wish the zebras weren't taking their sweet time getting here. No matter, we can easily crush them both and then we can celebrate by taking a chocolate bath!" That wasn't some sexual innuendo, Celestia has a jacuzzi that fills up with warm chocolate.
"Yeesssss yesssss!" Said Twilight as she began rubbing her hooves together and giggling.
Celestia couldn't help but start laughing as well. "Muahaha, muuuuahahahahahaha!"
Before long the two of them were in a fit of maniacal laughter that any super villain would be proud of.
--
The army of spy crabs was already half way up the mountain and hadn't met any resistance. Dance Blaster would have thought it was a trap, if he didn't know for a fact that ponies suck at all things military related. He was currently wearing the thin armor that Paul made for him, along with a long black robe that made him feel like a proper necromancer. To his side, Stephen was wearing his armor and riding sprinkles around like a mount. It amazed Dance Blaster that Paul was able to tame a manticore, they were previously thought to be viscous blood thirsty creatures devoid of feelings or emotions.
Behind him walked a huge horde of spy crabs and reanimated woodland creatures, mostly bunnies and squirrels. They lacked any real formation, but made up for that with numbers. Of course, in the front rank of the army was the big orange dragon that he reanimated. Its scales lacked their usual sheen and its eyes had been gouged out, but it was still a deadly killing machine. Unfortunately, it couldn't fly without the help of magic, and since it was dead it had no magic. With that said it had to march along with the rest of the army.
As they came around a bend in the trail, they were able to once again see Canterlot in the distance. It would be less than an hour now before they were ramming down the gates. He briefly wondered when the inevitable defense was going to come and was almost immediately answered as hundreds of pegasi rose up above the walls of the city. He looked back at the helicopters providing air support hoping that they would be enough to keep the pegasi from decimating their ranks from above.
He was reassured when he heard the sound of the helicopters' mounted guns spinning up and firing out streams of burning lead at the oncoming pegasi. At that point he decided not to worry about it, surely the helicopters could do their jobs.
Up in the air the pegasi swooped around trying to avoid the bullets. More than a few failed at that and were filled with holes along the way. Unfortunately, once they were close enough, they didn't know exactly what to do. They had no idea how to kill something made entirely out of metal so they flew around trying to avoid the guns while searching for a weakness. Unfortunately they didn't find anything obvious so they ended up just flying in and kicking at whatever was close enough before getting away.
Needless to say it wasn't very affective as the metal casing of the helicopters was built to withstand worse than a few pony kicks. The battle only got worse for the ponies as the helicopters began firing off missiles that homed in on them before exploding. Not only were they extremely deadly, but the loud bangs left a ringing in their ears further disorienting them. Needless to say, it wasn't long before most of them were in full retreat back to the relative safety of the city.
Only a few remained, refusing to give up. They flew up into the air high above the helicopters who were busy firing off after the retreating guards. The four of them looked at each other and nodded before diving straight down at the closest helicopter.
"FOR CELESTIA!" They yelled out in unison as they gained speed. The helicopter never got a chance to escape before four ponies smashed into the rotor on top. They were promptly ground into a fine paste, however their bones and armor easily damaged the helicopter's blades. It started to spin out of control as the mechanism keeping it up became unresponsive.
The spy crabs in the cockpit (lol, cockpit) began yelling out as they lost control of the craft. "Red penis going down! Red penis going down!"
After a few moments of trying to recover control the craft plummeted several hundred feet to the base of the mountain where it exploded.
Dance Blaster went to the side of the cliff and looked down at the wreckage before a large smile covered his face. "Hey guys. It looks like the red penis," He put on a pair of sunglasses that he pulled out of nowhere. "Exploded!"
YEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
"Ah merde..." Replied the closest spy crab as it face palmed.
"Maybe they should have taken some," He pulled his sunglasses off just to put them on again. "Viagra! Get it, because then they wouldn't have gone down..."
he was met with nothing but unamused looks from the spy crabs.
"Too soon?" They all nodded confirming that it was, in fact, 'too soon'.
--
The wind felt good as it flowed effortlessly through my long luxurious mane. It flopped around... And stuff... Ok, I don't know what hair feels like, so I can't really describe it. I'm a mutha chuggin sex raptor, I don't even have hair! But I can dream, can't I? I mean, I need something to do while riding around on Steve's back. We were just flying around below the city waiting for our chance to sneak up. It would be much easier to do worthwhile damage if we weren't spotted.
That didn't stop me from being annoying though. "Are we there yet?" I asked in as whiny a voice as I could manage.
"Yes. And if you ask that again I swear I'll barrel roll the shit out of you both!" That probably wouldn't end well for me and the conch riding on his back.
"Foolish robot, when we land you should slaughter him in my name!"
"Oh hey demon conch, you haven't had any lines in like five chapters now!"
"Don't remind me. I'm the obvious fan favorite, I don't know what idiot would be stupid enough to deny me screen time."
"You know, it's bad enough that I have to hear your voice, but it's just down right annoying not being able to hear half of the conversation." Said Steve.
"Tell the dumb robot that if he had a brain I could talk to him."
"Demon conch says he wants to kiss you right on the lips. He has a strange fetish that you're sating by flying around with him on your back and he just can't get over the raging hormones."
"Foolish raptor. When I one day regain my glorious lemon-aid demon body you will be the first that I slaughter!"
"Awww, I didn't know I meant so much to you."
"I WILL MURDER YOU!"
"Oh stop it, you're making me blush." After that comment the demon decided to stay quiet. I kinda' hope he doesn't decide to brain fuck me, because that would suck.
"Will you guys stop flirting? I'm trying to listen to what's going on above us."
"What do your robot ears hear?"
"They're taking the hobbits to Isengaurd... I mean... Ummm, I can't really hear anything." Yeah, even with advanced sex raptor ears I can't really hear what's going on up in the city either.
"Well I think it has been long enough, most of the guards will probably be posted at the front gate because of the approaching army so we can probably sneak in."
"Well alllllrighty then." Said Steve as he flew up around the domed bottom of the city. I still think my explosives idea would have worked... I don't see a single advanced technology anywhere down here keeping the city from collapsing. It didn't take long for us to get top side, then it was just a matter of landing somewhere without getting spotted.
"Alright, this should be easy. Just fly into town and I'm sure nothing will spot us." I said with my usual optimistic attitude.
Unfortunately, I just had to be wrong this time. As soon as we flew up we were spotted by a group of guards from one of the towers. Looking around quickly with my keen sex raptor eyes I could see hundreds of guards stationed all over the place. Clearly they were expecting something... "Well I guess sneaking is out of the question now."
"No shit. Now what?"
"Just find a spot to land, we'll deal with the guards once they become a threat. It will be much easier to fight if we're on the ground."
We quickly flew in between some buildings and landed, the rainbow trail that Steve left behind making it quite obvious where we went. In retrospect, we aren't very sneaky. Oh well, we'll just do this the old fashioned way. I jumped off of Steve with the conch fastened to my belt and pulled out my syringe rifle. I'm not gonna' lie, I looked pretty cool with my armor on. Even if it's mostly just simple plates, my helmet looks badass. I don't care what you think, it looks cool!
Almost as soon as we were on the ground we were confronted by guards. In front of us were what looked like a group of donkeys that were holding spears in their tentacle-like hooves that had emerged from some tents in between the buildings. Behind us was a trio of armored ponies who were close by when we landed.
"Hey Steve."
"Yeah?"
"We need some music."
"Right now?"
"I built you with speakers for a reason goddamn it!"
"Fine." He grumbled as music started to play out of his built in speakers .
"Ok, now that we have music, let's kick some shit!" As soon as I said that one of the donkeys collapsed as his eyes started leaking lemon-aid.
"FOOLISH MORTAL FLESH BEASTS. YOU WILL ALL DIE!" All of the ponies and donkeys were visibly startled by the sudden voice in their heads and started looking around for where it came from. Being the opportunistic sex raptor that I am, I wasn't going to give them time to figure out what was going on. I pulled up my rifle without even spouting any witty one liners and started firing off syringes into the group of donkeys.
By the time they realized that I was attacking, three had already been hit, and the syringes were already doing their job. The sight of their comrades falling down dead around them seemed to jar the donkeys out of their shock and they all leveled their spears towards me before hobbling in my direction on three hooves. Even with one leg occupied with holding the weapon, they moved pretty quickly.
Even so, I managed to get a sick no scope headshot with my weapon before the rest of the group was upon me. Their tactic was obvious, however, as they simply tried to ram their spears into me. With that said it was easy to simply move to the side as the first spear came within reach.
Unfortunately for the donkey, after not hitting me he had too much forward momentum to turn or do anything really. He would have probably ran right past me if I didn't kick out, hitting him in the chest. It wasn't enough to push him away, but it stopped him in his tracks, and by the pained look on his face it probably broke his collar bone too. That was of little concern to me, though. While he was still stunned from the kick I took a step forward and smacked him across the jaw with the butt of my rifle.
The sickening crunch as he fell to the ground was enough to assure me he wouldn't be a threat any longer and I turned my attention to the next closest donkey. Rather than seeing one angry donkey, however, I saw the remaining four of them all moments away from impaling me on their spears. Instead of letting that happen, I jumped up into the air, easily sailing over their heads to the other side of the alley.
From this side I was able to see Steve as he fired a bolt of electricity into one of the royal guards causing the other two to flee. Of course, I didn't let that distract me from the donkeys that were now turning around to face me. Without really aiming I fired off about a dozen syringes, most of which just stuck the same donkey. Needless to say, he was dead almost instantly. The donkeys once again yelled as they tried charging me with their spears only for the one in the middle to stop and clutch his head as lemon-aid streamed down out of is ears and mouth.
Seeing the opening that demonic conch was giving me, I jumped in between the remaining two donkeys, completely avoiding their spears. By that point it was too late for them to do anything as I sliced into one's neck with my razor-sharp talons and bashed the other in the head with my rifle at the same time. They both fell to the ground at once as I struck a heroic pose. You know, just in case there's any ponies with cameras around.
"You see that, that's why I'm the best." I said as Steve walked over.
"Yeah yeah yeah. We should probably get moving though."
"I agree."
"I mean, we should really get moving." He said while pointing towards the other side of the alley where the royal guards had ran. I looked up to see that they came back, with friends. There were at least twenty pony guards there, and they looked pissed. Deciding that I didn't really want to test my luck with the ponies' 'magical' powers I decided to take Steve's advice.
"Well, then. Let's goooooo!" I said as I ran out of the other side of the alley and into the street. We landed pretty close to the castle so it would only be a few blocks to get there. The problem now is dealing with all the guards.
--
The siege was going well so far, for Dance Blaster at least. They made it to the wall with little opposition thanks to the helicopters, and now the dragon was busy ramming away at the gates. Thanks to its thick hide and inability to feel pain it was easily able to shrug off any attacks that the ponies threw at it. Their attacks mostly consisted of magic blasts and arrows, which didn't do a whole lot. Apparently the ponies do have some weapons, unfortunately only unicorns can use them affectively.
Dance Blaster just waited patiently at the front of his army as they listened to the dragon's rhythmic pounding on the gate. At least, for the ponies' sake, they were able to protect the gate pretty well with their magic, but even that was starting to fail under the ferocious attacks from the dragon. It wouldn't be long before the gate came crashing down under the force of the beast's huge claws.
He allowed a smile to cover his face as the magical barriers started to give out. He didn't know why he wanted the ponies dead so much, perhaps it was their name calling when he was young. Even that wouldn't warrant the animosity he felt towards them right now. After thinking about it for a few minutes he decided that it was probably just because he's evil. It's a simple answer and he was going to stick to it.
His attention was once again brought to the dragon as he heard the sound of wood cracking as its claws broke through the last magical barrier. It wouldn't be long now until the gate was brought down, then his huge army could stream in and slaughter the opposition.
Well that was the plan anyways, until the sun shined even brighter than normal sending off unnaturally long rays of light. Dance Blaster was forced to cover his eyes at the intensity of the light, but that didn't stop it from searing into his retinas. Unable to see anything, he could only listen as there was a loud 'bang' before the light died down to normal levels.
Dance Blaster blinked a few times as his vision returned. As it did, the first thing he noticed was that the dragon was no longer there. In its place was a small searing crater filled with ash and a few small fires. He couldn't even see the wall beyond all the smoke and dust in the air. As the ponies on the wall regained their sight they let out cheers as they saw the previously dangerous dragon reduced to ash.
Dance Blaster just smiled to himself. The dragon did its job, it destroyed the magical barriers on the gate. It's death makes little difference now. Deciding to act before they can potentially make any more barriers, he grabbed his walkie talkie. "The gate is vulnerable, hit it with a few missiles."
As soon as he said this one of the remaining five helicopters flew forward and fired a pair of missiles into the wooden gate. Even through the smoke, the sound of snapping wood was enough to confirm that the gate had collapsed. Without waiting for the ponies to react, Dance Blaster gave the order to charge. Instantly the entire army of undead woodland creatures and spy crabs rushed forward towards the breech with Stephen riding in front.
Dance Blaster had to admit, Paul's idea was working pretty well so far.
--
As Celestia neared the outer walls the rhythmic thumping grew louder. She already knew what it was as one of the guards had informed her that a dragon was smashing through the gate. Unfortunately, it was too much for the guards to handle with their meager weapons, so she flew over to help. Once she got there, she was surprised at the dragon's appearance. It was rather large, but it didn't shine with the normal glimmer that dragon scales usually gave off. On top of that, its eyes were both just bloody holes that looked like they had been picked clean by birds.
Clearly this was no ordinary dragon, and she would take pleasure in ending its miserable life. The fact that it was helping Paul was more than enough to warrant its death. She had to act fast though, captain Shining Armor and the rest of the unicorn guards could only keep the gate together for so long under such an attack. With that said, she prepared her most powerful attack.
Lighting up her horn with her magic she looked towards the sun. It seemed to be looking back down at her as she could instantly feel herself being empowered by it. They didn't call her 'Celestia' for nothing. The sun suddenly grew twice as bright temporarily blinding all of the other ponies as she channeled her spell.
"ENEMIES OF THE DAY BEWARE! LEST YOU INVOKE MY... SUUUUUN LAAAAASER !!!!" She yelled out as a beam of pure light shot out of the sun, striking the dragon in the back with a loud 'bang'. Within the blink of an eye, the immense heat of the sun incinerated even the normally heat resistant dragon leaving only ashes behind.
She cut off her spell and panted as the strain of using that much magic began taking its toll. She almost forgot how tiring casting sun lasers is...
After a few moments the guards on the ramparts began to regain their vision and saw the now deceased dragon. They began cheering thinking themselves victorious. Even Celestia smiled at their victory. This was short lived, however, as the gate suddenly exploded.
"Fuck... I forgot about the helicopters..."
Suddenly a pegasus flew up behind her. "Princess, we've spotted the gryphon army from the castle. They'll be here within a few minutes!
Sorry to stop it right there, but I have to get up early in the morning so I can't type any more right now. I'll just submit this in parts since this part will be kinda long. Don't worry, the shit storm hasn't even started yet.
Big Canterlot FFA (Part II)
Ethesto bangs his face on the keyboard: Hey guys! As you can see, I finally stopped procrastinating and typed this! I do put the 'pro' in 'procrastination', after all. Also I made this mature. Even though I don't find anything that happens in this all that disturbing (maybe cuz video games desensitized me to non-real violence years ago), I'm sure someone does. Admittedly, this story is pretty fucked up at this point xD
Luna was having a wonderful nap. I guess it can't really be called a nap since she normally sleeps all day, but I digress. She was having her favorite dream where a herd of stray cats licked pudding off of her body. Unfortunately, it was abruptly ended as a guard knocked loudly on her door.
She rolled over and groaned putting a pillow over her head to try to drown out the noise, but the knocking continued. Finally she opened her eyes and glared towards the door. "WHAT!" She yelled, obviously angry at being disturbed in the middle of her sleep.
The guard tentatively pushed the door open and stepped into view before bowing. "Your majesty, I have important news that I need to report to you."
"Is it so important that it can't wait?!" She asked with a frown.
The guard seemed very nervous as he answered. "Yes..."
"Then out with it! What's so important that you would disturb my sleep?"
"Two enemy armies are attacking the city. Paul's army is attacking the gates as we speak. Princess Celestia flew down to help ward off the attack, however an army of approximately a thousand gryphons is approaching the castle rapidly from the north."
"Define 'rapidly'."
"They'll be here any minute now."
"WHAT!?" The guard shrunk back as she jumped up out of bed. "WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME SOONER?! NEVER MIND, THERE'S NO TIME FOR THAT!" She ran over to the bookshelf and pushed it aside revealing a small hole in the wall. She promptly put her horn into it, filling it with magic before turning back to the guard. "You might want to stand back."
As she said this the furniture in the room was being pulled up against the walls by some magical force while the floor split open, leaving only a platform where Luna was standing. Once it was open all the way the ceiling began to open as well while a large circular platform raised up. Luna jumped onto it while it was rising and pulled a tarp off of an object in the center revealing a huge flack cannon that she had found in an ancient spider lab thousands of years ago. The guard just stared at her blankly from the door way as she took a seat in a chair built into the back of it. Eventually it raised up through where the roof was and came to a stop.
Grasping the levers that move the cannon in her hooves, Luna began feeding ammo into the hopper with her magic as she aimed at the approaching shapes that she knew were no doubt the gryphon army.
"The funs about to be doubled mother fuckers!" She yelled as she opened fire, sending explosive anti-air shells at the enemy army.
--
Surprisingly, it wasn't all that hard getting into the castle. But would you expect anything else from the single greatest sex raptor ever? I would hope not. Honestly, I'd be a little upset if you did. Anyways, we were able to outrun all of the guards on the ground, but the pegasi eventually caught up to us. Of course, there weren't nearly enough of them to be all that threatening.
After a short run through the street we made it to the gate that was guarded by a pair of ponies. A couple of well placed syringes easily remedied that. At that point it was just a matter of opening the gate up and walking in.
"You know, things are actually going pretty good so far." Said Steve as we ran through the gardens to find a way into the castle. No doubt the front door would be heavily guarded so we weren't just going to barge in there.
"Why would you even say that? Now something is going to go wrong for sure."
"What? What could possibly go wrong?"
"You're just trying to piss the universe off now, aren't you?"
After saying that we heard a series of booms and looked up. From the looks of it they had a big gun mounted on top of one of the towers that was shooting at something off in the distance. I just pointed at the approaching figures. "Well I hope you're happy mister..."
"I'm never happy. And quit your worrying, at least the ponies are focused on that instead of us."
"I suppose you're right." We went through the gardens until we got to the side of the castle. Thankfully all the guards were distracted by whatever it is they were shooting at, so they didn't notice us there. After looking around to confirm that there was no one, or rather no pony, around we smashed open one of the stained glass windows and entered the castle.
We entered into a long, empty corridor. It was at that moment that I realized I don't even know where to go.
"Umm, well this is embarrassing. I don't know which way to go."
"Let's just ask one of the servants for directions. There's bound to be one around here somewhere."
Looking both ways, I shrugged and decided to walk to the left side of the hall. Sure enough, it didn't take long for us to see a pony walking down the hall in the other direction. It didn't seem to notice us so we started to approach it.
"Hey pony. Where's the throne room at? We're kinda lost."
The pony stopped walking and scoffed before turning towards us. It looked like it was about to say something but as soon as it saw us its mouth just hung open.
"Oi, pony. We don't have all day." I said, snapping it out of its shock.
The pony grew an offended look on its face. "Who do you think you're calling 'pony' you monster. I am the great prince Blueblood and I will be addressed as such."
"Yeah, prince of being a dog. Now give us directions."
He scowled at me as I said that. "I will not stand here and be insulted. I'll be sure to inform the guards of your presence so they can throw you out of the castle and into the mud where you belong."
I took a step forward and punched him right in the jaw. "Tell me where it is."
"How dare you hit a member of the royal family, I'll make sure you rot in prison for this!"
I just punched him again. "I wasn't asking. Where's the throne room?!"
He looked like he was about to retort so I raised my hand up for another punch which promptly quieted him down. Instead of continuing the argument that I was obviously winning he pointed down the way we came. "It's down there and to the left, now please leave me alone!"
"See. that wasn't so hard." I said and walked off with Steve in tow.
It wasn't a long walk, but I was still surprised to not see any guards around. They must all be outside, I guess. After taking the pony's directions we entered a somewhat big room with balconies along the side and pillars holding up the high roof. It was pretty fancy, but I don't think it was the throne room. I based this on the fact that there were no thrones and the far wall was covered with the biggest most decorated door I've seen so far in the castle. It's not hard to assume that the next room down in the throne room. Of course simply walking in would be much too easy.
"Aww Paul, it's been a while. So glad you could make it." I turned my head to see Twilight Sparkle emerging from a door on the side of the room that I hadn't seen.
--
Dance Blaster charged forward along with his army making sure to keep well out of the front. He wasn't a fighter, he was just here to tell them what to do. He just hoped that the enemy didn't have a good position, his army wasn't exactly full of trained warriors. He couldn't see much through the thick cloud of smoke and dust that still hung in the air from the sun laser beam. He assumed that Celestia had something to do with that, he didn't know of any other unicorn that could use magic that powerful. He just hoped that she couldn't do it again, the last thing he wanted was to suddenly be incinerated.
Despite his obvious discomfort at the idea of being roasted to death, he continued forward as he heard the first screams of battle. No doubt from some very unfortunate ponies who were met by Stephen and Sprinkles. Before long he passed through the gate and the smoke was clear enough for him to see. Just ahead, hundreds of pony guards, donkeys, and even a few minotaurs were rushing down from the ramparts to engage the army that managed to breach their walls. They were armed mostly with spears and swords, though a lot of the ponies were unarmed. Even so there were a lot of them.
The first ones to have made it down into the streets were quickly met by his army, including Stephen who hacked into anything he could reach with his huge sword while Sprinkles ripped them to shreds. The first few lines didn't hold out long against the charging army, but they were quickly aided by more and more soldiers. It wasn't long before they were putting up a reasonable defense and it soon escalated into a blood bath as the two sides tore into each other. The spy crabs lashed out with their knives, trying to hit any week points in the equines' armor while the various undead forest animals ran through the ranks biting into anything they could with their sharp little teeth.
Their teeth hurt, sure, but they were little more than an annoyance in small numbers. They were only a real threat when there was a big group of them and they were able to swarm the enemy. Of course, the ponies will be disappointed if they survive the battle as undoubtably most of them will develop all kinds of diseases from the vermin.
At the same time the ponies and donkeys lashed out randomly with their weapons, hoping to hit anything hostile. They clearly weren't trained all that well with weapons or else the battle would have probably been more one-sided. The ones in the back tried kicking at the various little animals that were biting into their ankles, but to little affect as they were simply too fast. The few minotaurs mixed in with the group were actually putting up a good fight as they were covered in plate armor and wielded large weapons that easily cut through the spy crabs. That is, until they were hacked down by Stephen. He was at least a head taller than any of the minotaurs and his huge weapon was heavy enough to cleave through their armor so they didn't stand much of a chance.
During all of this Dance Blaster just stood and watched as more and more of his soldiers ran past him into the fray. He didn't really know what to do as he was of little help at the moment. He looked around seeing something flying in his direction. He jumped to the ground in time for an arrow to wiz by overhead and stab into a nearby spy crab. He got back to his feet and looked up, now seeing that the archers on the wall had repositioned and were now shooting down at them as they ran through the gate.
--
Queen Chrysalis sat on her throne and flicked at her mane idly with a foreleg. Things were so boring here, but she knew that if she wanted to be successful she would have to wait until the opportune moment to strike. After their failed attack on Canterlot most of the changelings were scattered to the horizon and all hope seemed lost. But she refused to give up and she gathered as many of her subjects as she could. Many of them found their way back to their queen, but at least a third of her original army wasn't accounted for.
Unfortunately, her last attack was pretty desperate. She didn't have enough time to make it work perfectly because her subjects were pretty desperate for food. That might explain why she failed, but she also blamed that meddling purple pony. No matter, this time there would be no mercy, she wouldn't simply lock her enemies away in a cave system that they could escape from. She was thankful that the big love blast, or whatever they used to defeat her last time, at least sated their hunger for the time being. It was enough to get by, but eventually they would need more.
Once they regrouped, they made their base camp deep within the forests on the other side of the mountain that Canterlot is built on. They couldn't simply go back to their home land because that place was devoid of any food for them so they would surely starve. And here they were well hidden by the thick trees and there were no other towns or cities near the area. It was also close enough to Canterlot for her spies to keep a close eye on the ponies' affairs. Now it was just a matter of waiting for the right moment to strike.
Predictably, that moment was right now as a changeling flew into the cave that the queen currently resided in. He was quickly stopped by the guards before he could approach her. Seeing how bored she was, she gladly allowed her subject to tell her whatever it had found out so she motioned for the guards to let him past with one hoof. "My queen." he started before bowing. "I have great news. Canterlot is under attack!"
Her mouth fell open at the news. "What?! Who's attacking?"
"An army of gryphons is coming from the north and there's another army of strange creatures attacking at the gates."
Chrysalis took a moment to think about this. Certainly this was quite the opportunity. She could lead her army in and easily take over the city while the other groups fought. She didn't have to think about it for long as this was likely the only opportunity she was going to get. She turned to a large changeling to her right. "Scramble the army, we're attacking Canterlot!"
--
As Twilight walked over I could clearly see the angry scowl on her face. I don't know why she's so angry to see me, if anything I should be the angry one. Of course, years of trolling has robbed me of the ability to become mad so instead I simply smirked at her. She may already be mad, but that doesn't mean I can't troll her still. Admittedly, at this point a two year-old could probably successfully troll her as she already looked pretty angry, but I was going to do it anyways.
"Say, Twilight. You look upset. Perhaps a joke would make you feel better." She didn't answer and instead glared at me, so I continued. "What's the best part of dating twelve year-old girls?"
Once again, no answer.
"In the shower you can slick their hair back and pretend they're twelve year-old boys." I giggled a bit to myself. For some reason I find that joke really funny. She just ground her teeth at my distasteful joke before finally saying something.
"Buck you Paul!"
I wasn't expecting that from her. "Woah woah, calm down now, Purple guy. We're all friends here."
"We're not friends and I'm not PURPLE GUY!" She yelled at me.
"You're right, no friend of mine would try to murder me! You're a horrible friend!" I said and crossed my arms.
"WHAT!? Me?! I'm a great friend!"
"I'd have to disagree. You've been nothing but rude since I met you. I tried to be nice, but nooooo. You ponies just had to hate me because I'm different."
"WE WERE RUDE?! YOU'RE THE RUDEST CREATURE I'VE EVER MET IN MY LIFE!" She was screaming at me at this point. Clearly I win the argument because I aint even mad.
"Nope. You were a big ol' bitch the whole time. And think about it, if you hadn't reported me to the po-lice none of this would be happening right now!"
"Oh don't you try to blame this on me! This is all your fault!"
"Too late, I already blamed it all on you."
She just ground her teeth and gave me her most hateful glare, but it was way too adorable to be scary. I think she finally figured out that she can't argue with me. "I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!" She finally yelled out.
"Bring it on, bitch!" I said as I formed a glowing blue economy sword in my hand. She seemed to have the same idea as a glowing purple laser sword extended from her horn.
I looked over at Steve who was standing there awkwardly during the whole thing and cleared my throat.
"Oh, right." He said as he turned on some epic laser sword fighting music .
We faced each other for a few moments not moving before she finally ran at me. As she got closer she began swinging the sword around with her magic. Once she was within range she swung her magical sword low at my legs, but I easily moved my blade down and parried the attack. The two blades clashed sending sparks flying out and she pulled back slightly before swinging again, this time for my head. I easily ducked under the attack and kicked out at her.
Unfortunately, she was better at this than I expected and she easily dodged to the side while lunging her blade at me. I had to take a step back to avoid the tip before I slashed the side of her sword pushing it out of the way. Now that i had an opening I moved forward slicing down with my blade in a wide arc with the intention of hitting her in the face. Of course she had to cheat and use her unicorn mind powers. Before I was able to stab into her, her horn lit up and pushed me back across the room.
It wasn't enough to knock me off my feet, but it was still annoying. Next thing I knew she was running at me again. She redoubled her previous efforts and assaulted me with a flurry of jabs and slices. I was able to parry or dodge them all, but she wasn't giving me any room to hit her back.
Steve just sat across the room watching not sure if he should help or not. He had no idea who was winning the fight, or even if he would be able to do much to help. He was suddenly jarred from watching by a sharp hit to the head, causing him to lose his footing and slide across the smooth marble floor. At least he couldn't feel the pain, that would have probably hurt. He quickly looked up to see an angry teal pegasus with a rainbow mane.
"You want some more of this mother bucker?!" She said while rearing up and boxing at the air with her front hooves. Well now Steve was pretty pissed off. He was just minding his own business and this pony attacked him.
"Bitch please. That didn't even hurt." He said while standing up.
She looked pretty irritated at his insult. "First I'm going to beat you up for helping Paul, then I'm going to beat you up for trying to steal my mane style."
"It looks better on me. You just make it look tacky." Most people don't know this because she acts like she doesn't care about her mane, but she's quite proud of her rainbow hair.
"No one insults the mane. It. Is. ON!" She flew forward and quickly landed another blow on the side of Steve before he could react. He had to admit, she was pretty fast. Even then, the attack barely staggered him and he was quickly able to get his footing back. She continued to fly around the room as he followed her with his eyes. Eventually she came down and tried to hit him again, but he was ready and tried to kick back at her.
She dodged out of the way at the last moment so they both missed their attacks. She was soon back in the air looking for an opening to attack. Steve didn't feel like waiting for her to come down, though, so he primed his lightning gun with the intent of shooting her down. He tracked her around the room with it and finally fired a bolt of electricity out. Unfortunately for him, it missed pretty badly and simply smashed into a pillar.
She continued to dodge around as he fired several more bolts. Eventually, Steve decided that the weapon was too hard to aim at a flying target and stopped firing it. Thinking she had an opening, Rainbow Dash flew up and bucked Steve in the chest. At the same time he struck out with a front hoof and hit her in the back. The two of them flew in opposite directions, ending up a few feet back from where they were previously. The attack didn't really do much to Steve, but Rainbow would definitely have a bruise later from being hit by the metal limb. With the attack failed, she went back into the air again.
I watched them fight out of the corner of my eye as I continued my battle with Twilight. She was continually swinging at me, but I was able to block each of her attacks. It was getting easier and easier as it seemed that she was getting tired. She would no doubt ware out faster than me at this rate. After parrying another attack that was meant to hit me in the neck, I finally saw an opening. I moved slightly to the side and stabbed out, aiming for her chest.She quickly jumped back getting out of range of my sword. We stopped fighting for a brief moment.
"You know, you're not that bad at this." I said with a shrug.
"I trained with the princess! She is the best sword pony in all of Equestria!" Well that's an interesting fact.
"Well hopefully she'll be a bit better than you, otherwise she'll die too!" I said while moving forward and swinging at her side. She blocked it, but I didn't relent and delivered another blow as fast as I could. She continued to block, but I just kept lashing out with my sword. She was on the defensive now and I was causing her to take steps back each time I attacked. If I can get her pushed up against the wall than this fight will be much easier to win.
By this point she was sweating as she was barely managing to block my attacks. Finally her horn glowed again and she pushed at me with a wave of purple force. It launched me across the room and into the adjacent wall. I quickly stood back up and realized I was standing on a small staircase that led out of the room. It was only three stairs tall, but I smiled to myself anyways. Twilight trotted up closer before leveling her blade towards me again. She was clearly sweating now from exertion, but she looked determined.
"It's over Twilight! I have the high ground!"
She glared at me for a few second before answering. "You underestimate my power!"
"Don't try it!"
She didn't listen and instead jumped at me while swinging her sword downwards over her head. I just put my sword horizontally and blocked her attack while kicking out with one foot. My kick landing right on her face and pushed her through the air. Eventually gravity took over and she landed with a 'thud' in the middle of the room about thirty feet away.
The two rainbow maned ponies on the other side of the room seemed to take notice of this and they ended their fight. Rainbow Dash flew up and landed by Twilight looking like she was ready to attack me while Steve walked up to my side.
"Well that's cute. You think you can fight me?"
She was about to respond when Twilight let out a loud grunt and pushed herself off the floor. Rainbow turned and helped her up while I just watched. Then suddenly more ponies entered. From one of the doors on the side of the room came Applejack and the rest of the ponies that I recognized as the ones that I met in the forest after I crashed. They wheeled the white and purple one out in a wheel chair, she looked brain dead. The rest had angry glares on their faces.
Even The yellow one looked pissed off. In fact, her angry face was probably the most frightening of them all. Of course, even that was mildly frightening at best seeing as though it was coming from a small yellow and pink pony.
"Paul!" Said Applejack with a growl. "You'll pay for vandalizing mah property! And I suspect it was you who took one o' mah pigs!"
"I think that's the least of your problems. You'll find that I did far more than simply vandalize your property after you left Ponyville."
"YOU DID WHAT?! WHY I OUGHTA!" She yelled at me and looked about ready to charge. The glowing sword I held casually in one hand seemed to deter her though.
"How dare you?!" Started the yellow one.
"Shhhhhhut your mouth!" I shouted back at her.
She shrunk back as I raised my voice and hid behind her mane. "O-okay..."
"Gnnnnnnnnnnngh." Said the white one with purple hair as she drooled on herself.
"Yeah!" Agreed Pinkie.
"Stay out of this Pinkie, I don't even want to talk to you right now! You tried to kill me!" She tried to kill me!
"Enough!" Yelled Twilight. "Girls, are you ready to use the elements?"
"Sure am Twi!" Yelled Applejack. All the others gave similar responses except rarity who simply continued to drool on herself.
"The elements you say?" I asked. "You know, I still don't get exactly what that is."
Twilight smirked, seeming to think that my defeat was assured. "We represent the elements of harmony, the forces needed for friendship and peace to exist. Applejack is honesty, Rainbow is loyalty, Fluttershy is kindness, Pinkie is laughter, Rarity is generosity, and I represent the element of magic!" She finished by proudly placing a hoof on her chest.
I stared at her for a few seconds trying to figure out if she was trolling me or not. The look on her face suggested that she was serious. "That... Is the stupidest thing I've ever heard..." I said.
Twilight's smile disappeared for a second, only to be replaced by a smug one. "That's ok, we're still going to defeat you with them."
"Well I forgot to mention that my friends and I represent elements too. Steve represents the element of being a robot. Demonic conch-"
"Foolish mortals! Umm, sorry I wasn't paying attention, what are you saying about me?"
"Anyways, Demonic conch represents the element of lemon-aid. You don't know them, but Dance Blaster represents the element of necrophilia. Sprinkles represents the element of mauling. Stephen represents the element of not giving a shit, or the element of honey badgers. And I represent the element of being damn good looking. With our powers combines I am captain planet."
The ponies just stared at me blankly. Finally Twilight spoke up. "I highly doubt that..."
"Well i highly doubt that kindness and honesty can be used as a super weapon." I stated back.
"Well then, I'll just show you." Said Twilight, still wearing her smug smile.
"Do it!"
"I will!" She then closed her eyes and a strange wind started blowing from nowhere, which is strange because we're inside a building. Suddenly golden jeweled necklaces appeared on all the ponies, except Twilight. She got a tiara. "Ready girls?!"
"Ready!" They yelled back in unison. Their eyes all started glowing and they began raising off the ground from some unseen force.
This went on for a solid three second before there was a loud 'boom' to my right and Pinkie Pie's head suddenly exploded in a burst of sparks. All of the other ponies in the group abruptly dropped to the ground as one of the members was removed. They all turned and looked at Pinkie's prone body with shocked looks on their faces. Even I was pretty surprised by what happened.
"Well shit..." I said, pretty much summing up what everyone in the room was thinking.
"Hasta lavista, baby." Said someone to my right. I turned my head and was even more shocked than I was previously. Standing a few feet away on her back legs was a pony that looked exactly like Pinkie Pie, just her hair was straightened. She held a lever-action shotgun in her front hooves that was smoking from the end and looked like it had been modified for pony use.
I looked back to the Pinkie Pie who's head exploded and realized that there was no blood. Instead there were little chunks of metal and various gadgets strewn about the floor. But that means... Pinkie was a robot?
Lol, I'll stop it there. I'm liking these chapters so far. Hopefully you are too (probably not). Oh well, I tried...
Big Canterlot FFA (Part III)
Super Ethesto words: Yo yo yo, my name is Ethesto and it's author's note time! Don't be surprised if these sentences rhyme. I'm the most swag-tastic author that you'll ever see. It's not a gift, but a big responsibility. It's hard to type words as cool as mine. Even so, I think I'm managing just fine. First, I'd like to say thanks to biggercow789: Reminding me I haven't typed a chapter in a while and keeping me in line. I have other things that I do in the day, and typing new chapters takes time away. That's probly why I usually type in the early morning. I know sleep deprivations bad, thanks for the warning. I'm also really lazy, I'm not gonna lie, so doing anything productive makes me want to cry. Also I kinda lied when I said I had these chapters 'planned out'. In actuality all I knew was what the chapter was going to be about. All the details I make up on the spot. If you think that's different from the rest of the story then I can tell you, it's not. I can't come up with any ideas except once I start typing. I'm done with my authors note now, piping.
"AHHHHHHH!" Was the elegant response given by almost all of the ponies present as their brains failed to contemplate why Pinkie Pie's head exploded and then why there was another Pinkie Pie.
"Woah woah. Calm your collective balls." I said, trying to calm the ponies enough to figure out what is going on. Twilight and the new Pinkie Pie seemed to be the only ones not screaming and instead they were having an intense glaring match. "You wanna explain what's going on here?" I asked.
Instead of answering my question, Twilight continued to glare at the straight-haired Pinkie. "How did you escape my cyborg alligators?!"
"You seem to forget, I had a pet alligator back home. I know all their weaknesses." Said Pinkie while loading another bullet into her shotgun. I don't know how she does these things with those tentacle-like hooves.
"Impossibru! There's no way you could have possibly fought them all by yourself!"
"Double Possibru!"
"Not that this conversation isn't interesting or something... Ok, I lied. This conversation is the opposite of interesting, which is to say 'not interesting'. Anyways, you want to go ahead and explain what's going on now?" I butted in before they could continue with their little discussion.
Pinkie finally broke her gaze away from Twilight for a second to look at me before nodding and looking back to Twilight. "That's not Twilight! That's an evil imposter!" All of the ponies (except Twilight) gasped at the news. At least they weren't screaming anymore. I, however, wasn't surprised in the least. I knew she was evil all along. "I noticed something strange about Twilight's behavior a few weeks ago and I've been stalking her ever since. Unfortunately, after I found out she tried murdering you she caught on that I knew a little too much. I tried to confront her before she could do anything, but she used her magic to defeat me! Next thing I knew I was trapped in a pit with a bunch of cyborg alligators fighting for my life."
"Alright, so we get that Twilight is evil. I've known that all along, but what is her plan? And where did she get a Pinkie Pie robot?"
I wasn't expecting Twilight to just fork over information, in fact i was hoping I could beat it out of her, but then she started glowing a dark teal color. Within a matter of seconds she grew taller and her features began to change. She changed from being purple to dark turquoise and grew wings along with two pairs of tentacles on her sides. Her horn became longer and her mane changed style and became a similar color to her coat. Her cutie mark changed into a picture of Chuck Norris punching both Jesus and Cathulu in the face at the same time while Arnold Schwarzenegger stood back to back with him while shooting a mini gun at a predalien. Last, her eyes changed and her teeth elongated to look like shark teeth. She looked pretty strange, but I recognized her. She looked exactly like the super tentacle pony on the poster in the spider lab.
I decided to play it cool and act like I knew what was going on all along. "Oh, so your a tentacle pony. Not big surprise."
She seemed slightly shocked that I knew what she was, but hid that with a smug smile of her own after a moment. "You're quite perceptive, though very easy to manipulate."
"That's cool. Want to go ahead and explain your evil plans and such now?"
"Well, I suppose I could. After all, my plan is pretty much finished. Let's see, where to start? First off, my name is queen Hentai. Since you know I'm a tentacle pony I assume you also know all about the spiders and their pony experiments." I nodded so she continued. "Then you must know how they created the tentacle ponies to be the dominant race of ponies."
"Well that's not saying much. All you ponies kinda suck."
Her smile didn't falter from my comment. "Oh Paul, you and your trolling."
"How am I trolling? I'm being serious."
"You're not going to make me mad. You only managed to make me mad as Twilight because I was acting, but I'll get to that soon. Anyways, it all started a few thousand years ago when discord arrived and started murdering all the spiders. In a last ditch effort to save the project they were working on for so long, the spiders let us out of our growth pods in the laboratory. Unfortunately, there were only a few dozen of us to start with and out of that only about half of us were even developed enough to leave our pods. Seeing that I was the most powerful of my brethren, I led the rest of the tentacle ponies into a cave system deep under the laboratory to escape discord."
"Several hundred years passed like that and we prospered underground. Our population grew and we started building magnificent cities hidden from the surface world. Of course, I was still curious about what lived on the surface, and I was close to leading an expedition up there, but then we found something strange. We found some kind of space ship half buried in rocks hidden in a cavern deep underground. I have no idea how it got there, but we were able to tell that it had been there for at least a few thousand years."
"What we found on the ship was very interesting, though. A lot of the electronics onboard were undamaged and they contained a great deal of information about an ancient society. A society of Humans! The ship supposedly left an armada of ships called the 'U.S.A' and tried to colonize this planet."
"Ok, that makes sense." I interrupted. "The United states built a fleet of super carriers with the help of the old government monster before I catapulted the earth into the sun. They flew off into space and I guess one of them landed here."
She stared at me for a few seconds with her mouth agape. "Wha-what?"
"It's a long story, and it's really stupid. Anyways, what were you saying?"
She continued to stare at me for a while before she shook her head and finally continued. "Anyways, I learned all about the humans and their culture based on the information on the ship. The ship was full of various types of plant life and animals that they obviously intended to grow on the planet. I also learned that they were carrying a breed of super spiders in the ship's cargo bay that the military was trying to weaponize. Somehow, after they landed, the spiders escaped and murdered the crew. I speculated that that's where all life on this planet came from originally, along with the spiders."
"The government monster made dinosaurs, dinosaurs made humans, humans made super spiders, super spiders made ponies. That's evolution for you. Now get to your evil plans."
"Well, in order for you to understand, I have to tell you all this back ground stuff. Anyways, I became interested in finding out about the spiders after that, so I spent the next fifty or so years searching for underground vaults and laboratories. I found quite a few of them and my tentacle ponies spent years figuring out how all their technology works. It took a few hundred more years, but eventually we managed to replicate their machines. With all of that done, and nothing better to do, I decided to learn about the surface world that I turned my back on so long ago."
"What I found was thousands of strange colorful ponies living in peace. I quickly grew to hate them. As you can probably agree, they are way too happy and colorful. It's horrible."
"I'll say." I said with a nod.
"Anyways, I decided at that point that I was going to destroy them." All the other ponies gasped for like the fifteenth time since she started talking. "But I'm smart. I realized that even though they are peaceful they must have some kind of weapon if they were able to defeat discord. I quickly learned that their leaders, Celestia and Luna, were quite powerful and hoarded all kinds of magical artifacts as well as spider technology. It became apparent that if I was going to destroy the ponies I would need to remove the allicorns first. So I came up with a plan."
"First I worked under cover for years to infiltrate the gryphon's government and convince them to attack the ponies. It wasn't hard to do since the gryphons are warlike to begin with, but I underestimated Celestia and Luna. As soon as they learned what the gryphons were planning, they sent some giant spider monster, the omega spider, in and dismantled the government along with most of the population. I wasn't dissuaded though, it just meant I'd have to try harder."
"After years and years of planning I came up with a new plan and once again went under cover. This time in the old pony castle. While there, I managed to plant the idea in Luna's head that all the ponies hated the night and that her sister secretly despised her behind her back. Since pony emotions manifest themselves as magic or something, don't ask me, magic makes no fucking sense, she transformed into a super jealous rage monster and attacked her sister. She called herself 'Nightmare Moon', which I thought was pretty uncreative. Anyways, I intended for the two of them to destroy each other, but Celestia instead used one of her magical artifacts to simply banish her sister for a thousand years. Of course something went wrong when she used said artifact and the magic given off destroyed most of her old castle in the process. She just blamed the magical explosion on her sister and no one asked questions."
"I learned then that Celestia is not only evil, but extremely dangerous. I mean, she didn't even try to talk her sister down, she just straight up banished her. And a thousand years? That's fucking harsh. But who am I to judge? I'm trying to exterminate an entire race of creatures. Naturally, with Celestia still around and as powerful as ever, I needed to go back to the drawing board. Eventually, I came up with the idea to replace the ponies with robot copies."
"I figured I had the technology from the spiders so I might as well use it. That didn't work out so well since making a robot that can replace an individual without anyone noticing is very difficult. Even so, many of the important ponies around Equestria are robots. For example, Fancy Pants and Angel Lionheart."
"No way, they both came to my party!"
"I know." She said with a wink. "Almost everyone at the party was a robot. Anyways, after the robots, I learned all about how Luna was going to return in a few years and I learned about the elements of harmony. I found out that the elements would need a new host, since Celestia apparently couldn't use them on her own without consequences and quickly figured that she would probably pass them on to her apprentice. So I made a new identity. A unicorn name Lyra."
"Lolz! That explains a lot!"
"Yep. With my new disguise I was able to keep a close eye on Twilight and I followed her when she moved to Ponyville. Shortly after, Nightmare Moon came back and, just as I predicted, Celestia passed the elements of harmony down to her and her friends. After a few years of watching her and learning all her personality traits I knocked her out with a lead pipe and replaced her. Admittedly, I didn't get it perfect, but close enough."
"WHAT! What'd you do ta' Twilight ya monster!" Yelled Applejack. She looked about ready to buck queen hentai's face in at any moment.
"Epplejeck pls! I'm trying to tell a story here. But if you must know, she's most likely hurtling through space right now."
"Lawl!" I said.
"Yeah, I thought it was funny. Now then, back to the story. I was originally planning on using my position as Celestia's trusted apprentice to assassinate her, but then you showed up. You were a wild card, so naturally I kept a close eye on you with my spy robots. It didn't take long for me to learn that you could be very useful and I began manipulating you to do what I wanted. Of course I still had to impersonate Lyra at the same time. It was pretty difficult, and it only became more so when I found the RED spy. I was quickly able to fit him into my plan, though, and then I removed Lyra from the picture when you came to dinner."
"Hehe, I was pretty confused about that."
"Hehehe, yeah... Anyways, my plan worked out perfectly. Now you have an army engaging the Equestrian army in the center of town, the gryphons are attacking from the north, and the changelings will no doubt seize this opportunity to attack as well."
"Well that was a cool story and all, but how do you intend on capitalizing on the situation?"
"Celesia is no doubt wasting her energy fighting your army, the equestrian army is being attacked on multiple fronts, Luna is fighting the gryphons right now, and there's no one to use the elements of harmony. On top of that I have a huge army full of advanced robots and tentacle ponies that should be arriving any minute now. Gg Equestria."
"Well shit... I came here to defeat Twilight and Celestia, possibly break a few of their legs. Now what am i supposed to do?"
She put a hoof to her chin and thought for a few moments. "I don't know, go do whatever it is sex raptors do. You can still break some of Celestia's legs if you really want."
"Meh I suppose. Not like I have anything better to do..."
Suddenly there was another loud 'bang' to my right and I looked over to see Pinkie aiming a smoking shotgun at queen Hentai. "You'll pay for what you did to Twilight!" She yelled.
The queen didn't seem phased at all by the attack and just smirked at the gathered ponies who looked about ready to jump her. "That's not gonna work. You know why?"
Rainbow flew up and kicked her front legs forward through the air aggressively. "Oh yeah? Why's that?!"
The queen suddenly glowed green again as she transformed into a huge human with a round red helmet. "Because I'm the juggernaut, bitch!" She was about to charge at them when one of the large stained glass windows on the wall shattered. I looked over to see another huge pony with wings and a horn fly in. This one looked different, though. It was dark gray with green hair and bug wings. It was also accompanied by several smaller versions of itself who spread out around the room.
Well that does it, first there's regular ponies, then unicorns and pegasi, then unciorn pegasi, then tentacle ponies, then tentacle unicorn pegasi... Now bug unicorn pegasi? What the hell! "Woah woah woah! How many species of deformed pony things are there?!" I yelled out, hoping to get an answer before even more pony-like creatures burst into the room.
The new pony things quickly settled their eyes on me as soon as I spoke up and Hentai changed back to her pony form. "What's going on in here?!" Asked the largest of the new arrivals.
--
The battle at the front gates of Canterlot had quickly evolved into a massacre. Not a massacre of one side, mind you. Both armies were massacring each other as the combatants rushed blindly at each other with no real strategy other than to overwhelm the enemy. Almost no one among the ranks had any real combat experience, Celestia being one of the few exceptions.
She was currently on the battlefield swinging a magical sword around with practiced ease. Over a thousand years of practice were finally paying off as she was able to easily cut any opponents down. Unfortunately, her help in the battle simply wasn't enough to sway the fight into Equestria's favor. The enemy just kept streaming in and showed no signs of stopping. What's worse, her soldiers lacked air support as any flying pegasi was an easy target for the helicopters that floated just outside of the walls.
The fighting had only been going for a few minutes but already it was apparent that the ponies were losing. Fighting in the middle of the streets gave the ponies no advantages so with their inferior numbers this was a losing battle. She continued to slice any spy crab that got close and kick at the undead vermin that were continuously biting her ankles as she contemplated her next move. The only thing she could think of doing was pulling back to the castle where they could defend more easily. Unfortunately, that would yield control of the city to the enemy, but she had no other choice except to stay here and get overwhelmed.
With a defeated sigh she called out for her forces to retreat to the castle. Although the soldiers were driven into a frenzy by the fighting, they would never question their princess and followed her orders almost immediately. Fortunately, one of the definite advantages of their four-legged forms is that they can run pretty fast. With that said the huge group of ponies and donkeys were able to outrun the spy crabs and escape down the street.
They had hardly cleared a full block before Celestia noticed something flying above the mountain. Even from that far away she was able to identify the creatures as changelings as there is nothing else that they could be. What's worse is that there were hundreds if not thousands of them flying over the peak of the mountain and descending towards Canterlot.
Celestia gritted her teeth as she realized today was just getting worse and worse. It looks like her shit storm detectors were right as always. This became even more evident as she noticed the gryphon army was closing in on the castle. No doubt the forces there could hold out just fine, but they will be too busy to provide any support. Unfortunately, with the addition of the changelings, there's no way she could make it to the castle safely. The changelings would be able to cut off their retreat long before they got to the castle and then they would be caught out of position between two armies.
Unfortunately the only other option was to set up a defensive position and surely that wouldn't end well. Celestia sighed again. Today just wasn't going her way. She just hoped that the offending armies would fight each other instead of just focusing on her ponies,
"If I survive this, I'm taking a chocolate bath for sure..." She said to herself as she looked around for a descent area to defend. After a matter of seconds she ordered her soldiers to move to the side onto one of the smaller roads. At least there the road isn't as wide and the buildings provide more cover. With any luck maybe the mane force will ignore her and go straight to the castle. Doubtful, but Celestia can hope.
Once all of her forces were in position in the choke point, all they could do was wait. Of course, all the ponies were very nervous, including Celestia. She hated just sitting here and waiting for something to happen. Thankfully, some of the pegasi had taken up look out positions on several buildings to keep track of where the two armies were at.
One of them flew down and bowed before Celestia. "Princess! The enemy is coming down the mane street in a large group. At the speed they're going they could be here within a minute or two. Also there was something else..." The pegasi guard trailed off.
Celestia had all but lost her patience at this point. "Well, out with it! What did you see?"
"I don't really know, there was something else coming from the west..." He hardly finished saying this before Celestia flew up to the top of a nearby building to take a look for herself. She could only imagine what new enemy army could be approaching the city. Was it dragons? Or perhaps giant acid-spitting bat monsters? Or, god forbid, a flock of mutalisks? Once she was up at a good vantage point she spotted the dark shapes moving in the distance that the guard must have been talking about.
They were still too far away for her to identify, so she simply used a spell to let her magnify her vision. It was blurry at first, and she found she was just looking at the sky, but eventually she adjusted her focus to be able to see the dark shapes. What she saw was at least two hundred striped ponies riding on the backs of huge, gray pterodactyls. She dropped the spell and smiled to herself. Turning back to the assembled ponies she decided to brief them on what was going on.
"Good news ponies! The Zebras are on their way. We just have to hold out until they get here!" The ponies quickly let out a cheer at the prospect of getting help and Celestia let out a small chuckle. Perhaps today wouldn't be a complete shit storm after all...
She was suddenly joined by a gray pegasus with bat wings wearing dark blue armor. It was one of Luna's guards. He bowed before quickly standing back up and looking at Celestia. "Your majesty! Princess Luna asked me to inform you that we spotted an armada of sea pony air ships inbound."
Celestia took a second to contemplate what he just said. "Sea ponies?"
"Yes, your majesty."
She hadn't seen any sea ponies in over a thousand years, and now of all times there was an armada of them heading her way. No doubt they weren't here to help, either. They're probably still pretty mad about those times when she dumped millions of gallons of oil into the ocean in an attempt to kill them off. Not to mention, Equestria dumps all of its waste products into the ocean. How do you think their society is so clean? "Well fuck..." She finally said. The hope she previously had of being helped by the zebras was outweighed by her fear of an armada of sea ponies.
--
Meanwhile, deep in space!
"Need a dispenser here!" Yelled Tommy.
"No! You will never get a dispenser and so help me if you ask again I will rip your balls off and give them to a group of chimpanzees so they can use them to help Osama Bin Ladel kill all the jews!" Said an annoyed Gorlok 12.
"Guys, I'm picking up something interesting on the space sonar!" Interrupted Kevin before Tommy could give his (no doubt clever) comeback.
"Interesting how?" Questioned Gorlok 12.
"Interesting cow!" Rhymed Arnold.
"No. Not a cow at all." Said Kevin.
"Then out with it, what do your elf eyes see?!" Yelled Gorlok 12.
"The scans are picking up an object not too far away. Judging by its size and shape I'd say it's some kind of small purple unicorn."
"A unicorn you say?" Asked Gorlok 12.
"But that's not all, sir. The adorable meters are reading an adorable lvl of 7.1!"
"What! The kitten bomb, the most adorable object in the known universe, had an adorable lvl of 7.9! You're telling me this object is almost as adorable as the kitten bomb!?" In case you don't know, the kitten bomb is a weapon of mass destruction sometimes used by lobster men. It's so adorable it can destroy entire cities!
"Well, it's a .8 difference. Nothing below lvl 7.5 is lethal unless taken in large doses." Replied Kevin.
"Well then, what are you waiting for? Beam it up, shawty!"
This chapter was difficult to type, mainly because I'm lazy as balls. Ok, that's the entire reason... Dang, this Canterlot battle is a lot longer than I thought it would be...
In case you were wondering what sea ponies look like, I drew you a picture.
Captains log: Don't judge me...
Chrysalis looked between me and queen Hentai several times with a confused expression on her face. "Really, what's going on here?" She focused back on me. "And who the heck are you?!"
I could just answer her question normally, but where's the fun in that? Now I can test out my l337 rap skills. After all, they don't call me a 'rap'tor for nothing. "Who am I? For real? You really should know! After all, I'm the mane character of this show. You better grab some popcorn and take a seat, 'cuz what I'm about to say is real neat. I know my rhymes are cool and I don't mean to offend, but please save your applause until the end. First off, I'm the sexiest raptor that you'll ever see. It's a fact that everyone else is jealous of me. I'm a super good dancer, I got skill to spare. I only wish I had some long, blonde hair. I killed a spider once, it was real scary. It had guns on its back and its legs were hairy. I have a lot of friends, not big surprise. I even stabbed a dragon in both of its eyes. I gotta take a pee, but it doesn't matter. Steve can finish the verse while I empty my bladder!" I ran into the other room and Steve sat there confused for a few seconds before he began.
"My name is Steve and I'm a robot now. If you really want to know I'll tell you how- I became a robot, it's a cool story. I guess I'll tell ya'll that since Paul has to pee. I used to be a fish, to be exact a trout. It was a normal day and I was just swimmin' about. Then some necromancer came around and caught me, and turned me into a fish zombie. Then he left me there, all alone on dry land. I had nothing to do so it was really bland. Then Paul came along, and used me as a sword. Finally that killed me, thank the fish lord. Next thing I knew I was a robot unicorn. I had a shiny, rainbow mane and a long, silver horn. That's about it, is Paul back yet? Oh well I'll just put demonic conch on, don't fret."
"My names Demonic Conch and my rhymes are supreme. You probly couldn't beat me even in your own dreams. I walk around town wearing a pimp hat. I got some nasty cuts when I jizzed on a cat. My balls are so big they drag on the floor. They have a lot of scars from getting caught in the door. I'm a master mind fucker I do it like I get paid. Don't mess with me or I'll turn your brain into lemon-aid. Pauls back now, and that's all I have to say. I'll hand it off to him because he is gay."
"Those rhymes were in bad taste and I'm as straight as can be. I'm so classy I do bitches while I'm drinking tea. I punched a shark right in the face one time. Being as awesome as me, should be a crime. Baby geniuses was the movie that I liked the least. I'm a big huge troll so on your tears I feast. Nicholas Cage is a really bad actor. I'd like to run him over with my John Deere tractor. I smoke catnip erry day and I started a building on fire. I'm the new pony lord Celestia can retire. Elements of harmony? More like 'elements of lame'. You think I'm joking? You think this is a mother bucking game? It's not, I'll tell ya', so don't be sore. I pick up every babe in town on my manticore."
"I'm a demon lord, bitches, that means I'm the best. While you're asleep I'll burn a bag of poop of your chest. I don't like mortals, not even a bit. They can all die, I don't give a shit. I punch orphaned children in my spare time, and when I see a beggar I don't spare a dime. In the movie, Im the one that shot Bambie's mom. I convinced president Truman to drop the atom bomb. I hit dogs all the time with my car, I'm serious. I hit a golden retriever one time and it was hilarious. I may be a conch but I'm still king of the hill. Don't mess, If my rhymes don't kill you, I will."
"I'm back on the mic and I won't be long. I didn't intend for this to turn into a full song. But it don't matter, I did this all for the lawlz. My name is Paul and you can suck on my balls!"
Admittedly, that rap nonsense got a little carried away, but she asked who I was and I more or less told her. The bug pony, for her part, just stared at me like I'm a weirdo or something. She really hasn't made a very good first impression. First she barges in through a window, then she starts interrogating us with her questions without even introducing herself? Who does that? I mean really? That's just rude.
After a while she turned and looked at queen Hentai as if she was hoping to get an explanation as to what just happened. Hentai just smirked at her, so she turned back to me. Finally she said something. "Wha-what?"
I nearly face-clawed. There is no way in hell I'm repeating that...
So yeah... That got a little out of hand. I was intending to make that maybe one paragraph long, then suddenly 800 words of it. I blame my friends... Recently, while playing games, we start typing everything in rhymes for no real reason other than that it's funny and after a few hours I start to think in rhyme. It's kinda ironic that I don't even like rap music, yet I just typed this chapter... Oh well, I hope you enjoyed it. I think maybe I should put the keyboard down for a little while...
For your health: >Walk into my room
Both my cats are in here
DoubleCatSwag
Luna was having a great time. Then again, who wouldn't be having fun using a flack cannon on a bunch of defenseless gryphons? Remember kids, murder is cool and entertaining. Anyways, she had already shot down several dozens of the horrible bird-cats as they flew at the castle and her ammo was showing no signs of running out. Thankfully, a lot of her bat-winged pony guards had flocked around the area to guard her.
Fun fact; the bat ponies are actually the result of one family having unethical sexual relations with a species of large cave bat found in mountains up north. After several generations, one of the ponies managed to actually become pregnant and spawned a deformed pony bat thing. Seeing this as a good sign, the family spent the next few generations having incestial relations with the deformed bat spawn and eventually they created a sub-species of pony-bat hyrbids. After learning about their gross and unlawful behavior, Celestia was going to have the whole family executed, but Luna had a better idea. Instead of killing them, she enslaved them to be her own private guard. Over a thousand years later and they were still serving her.
Needless to say, they were pretty much brain washed to be as good of guards as possible. The only downside is they have weak immune systems from all that inbreeding, so they only live about thirty years on average. Now, I say it's a good thing that the bat ponies had flocked around the area because Luna failed to realized just how close the advancing gryphons were getting. By the time she noticed just how close they were, there were already several of them swooping around the cannon.
In case you can't imagine, a huge anti-air cannon is next to worthless at close range, so Luna quickly jumped out of her gunner seat and fluttered down to the doorway of her room. The group of bat guards had already engaged the gryphons in dog fights giving her plenty of time to escape. The gryphons, for their part, were extremely vicious and were clearly pissed off for some reason, Luna could hardly imagine why they would be so angry. Unfortunately for her, their anger only added to their combat prowess as they swung around the weapons they grasped firmly in their claws without any fear of death.
In return, the bat ponies were putting up a pretty good fight as they were all doped up on steroids and had no regard for their own lives either. Even so, they were quickly overwhelmed as more and more gryphons showed up and overpowered them. Luna paid no mind to their screams of agony as they were chopped into pieces by the gryphons' weapons, they could always be replaced.
Instead of hanging out there, she walked down the stairs of her tower and out a nearby door. Once outside it was a short walk to the walls that surrounded the entire castle. One could argue that walls weren't necessary since the castle was built on the edge of Canterlot so half of it was surrounded by a huge drop anyways, but this is Equestria, therefore logic has no place here.
Once at the ramparts she instantly saw just the pony she was looking for. Captain OC pony, along with several other guards, were in the middle of fighting a group of gryphons. She trotted up to him just as he scored a lucky buck to the chest of one of the gryphons. It went down, but he wasn't done just yet. In one swift move he jumped forward and landed with his front two hoofs on the thing's head easily killing it. Unfortunately, the fight didn't seem as one-sided as the ponies had anticipated.
With the use of their wings and tail, the gryphons were able to balance pretty well on their back legs giving them the ability to swing their weapons freely with their front claws. The combination of having weapons and being really pissed off was making the gryphons quite a threatening force, even though the ponies clearly had superior numbers. Unfortunately, this time the ponies didn't have a giant, unkillable spider to protect them.
Luna reached the group of ponies just as one of them took a spear to the face, and though she had seen and committed countless atrocities in her life, she couldn't help but feel grossed out by the sight. Pushing aside the sudden urge to vomit for the moment, she instead focused on her magic. Before the gryphons could react to her presence, she fired a volley of blue magic bolts at them, striking them each precisely in the chest. Their eyes widened and they let out shocked squawks as they were blown back by the force of the bolts. They landed a little ways away, and the smell of burnt flesh along with the smoke rising from where they were each struck made it obvious they weren't getting back up.
Captain OC pony stared at the corpses of the gryphons for a few moments before his brain registered what happened and he immediately turned and bowed. "Princess Luna! I'm thankful for your timely arrival, but shouldn't you get to somewhere safer?"
"Hush, captain. I have more combat experience than any other pony here. Besides, you and your guards could use some help if all of the gryphons are as vicious as these ones."
"Indeed your majesty, but already their forces are dwindling. Most of them on the ramparts have already been dealt with. Unfortunately, about half of their force just flew past into the city once they got close enough."
"Good, things are going better than I thought. Surely we'll be victorious here then. And afterwards, I'll make sure to wipe them off the face of the planet as Celestia and I should have done ages ago. Now then, no sense dillydallying here, let's get go-" She trailed off as she looked up over the ramparts. Captain OC pony noticed her hesitation and followed her gaze only to spot a huge group of what looked like zeppelins nearing the castle from the east.
It took Luna a moment to realize what was going on, but when she did she was hard pressed to contain her fear. It was the sea pony fleet! She hadn't seen them in so long she almost forgot about them. Perhaps they were still mad about that time when one of Equestria's ancient nuclear reactors went critical and she had to teleport the superheated spent uranium fuel rods into the ocean to cool them, thus irradiating billions of gallons of sea water. She took a few seconds to count the approaching air ships and spotted a total of thirty of them. Each one would no doubt be filled to the brim with troops and armed with air to ground cannons.
"New plan." She said as she pried her eyes away from the approaching armada. "There's no way we can defend the ramparts against that many airships being scattered as we are. Pull your troops back into the castle, we'll defend from there." She remembered that Celestia would want to hear about the new arrivals too. "And send a pegasus to inform Celestia of the sea ponies." Although the walls weren't particularly important, they had to defend the castle at all cost. Not only was it the easiest place to defend in the city, but a large group of ponies were being kept inside.
Once they spotted Paul's army approaching the city, Celestia thought it would be smart to evacuate the ponies into part of the castle and several of the larger hotels where they would be easier to defend. Looking back it was a good choice seeing as though most of the city was now crawling with enemy soldiers.
--
Chrysalis continued to stare at me like I was a weirdo for a little longer. Was explaining who I am using poorly contrived rap really that unheard of? Finally she shook her head and seemed to decide not to worry about me any more for the time being. Instead she turned to queen Hentai. "And WHO are you?!" She asked slightly more angrily than was necessary. Damn, this bug pony is rude.
Queen Hentai didn't seem put off by this, though, and continued smirking. "Me? I'm just the most attractive pony alive, sabotage extraordinaire, and new ruler of this castle. But you can just call me queen Hentai." She said while placing a hoof on her chest.
"Queen? You? Ha! I've never even heard of you!" Said Chrysalis.
"Yep, that was the point. Now then, I'd appreciate if you'd vacate my new property immediately."
Instead of taking her words to heart, Chrysalis scowled at Hentai. "I came to take this castle over from Celestia, but it looks like you already did the hard part. I'll just kill you and Canterlot will be all mine!"
"Ut-oh. I'm really scared of you. Please don't kill me!" She stated in an overly-sarcastic tone.
The frown on her face made it quite apparent that she wasn't humored by her new enemies' sarcasm. "Guards attack!!" Within an instant the group of smaller bug ponies flew at queen Hentai with green energy coming off of their horns. Unfortunately for them, Hentai didn't seem particularly fond of being skewered on their horns, and she put up some kind of barrier around herself in the blink of an eye.
Needless to say, it wasn't pretty when the bug ponies collided with the barrier at full speed. With their crumpled bodies now littering the floor, Hentai dropped the barrier and once again smirked at Chrysalis. "Here I was expecting a challenge."
Chrysalis looked furious and it didn't take a genius to tell that shit was about to go down all up in here.
"Hey guys." I said to Steve and demonic conch. "Things are getting kinda tense here, as in two super pony things are about to engage in mortal combat. Perhaps we should go somewhere else..." The other ponies in the room seemed to have the same idea as they were already retreating into another room (or in Rarity's case being pushed in a wheel chair) seeing as though there was nothing more they could do here.
"What are you chicken? Cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep! ." Said Steve, being a huge dickwad as always.
"Fuck you, Steve. Now let's go." I turned and walked out with Steve following closely behind and Demonic conch secured to my belt. As soon as we exited the room we heard the sounds of their battle coming from behind us.
"Alright, since we no longer have a plan, what do we do now?" Asked Steve.
"Not have a plan? I always have a plan!" Who the hell does he think I am? "Except for the times when I don't have a plan, that is. Anyways, the plan is we find Celestia and break her legs. Then we can go eat ice cream or something."
"You know, I like that plan. What kind of ice cream will there be?"
"Lawl! You're a robot! You can't eat ice cream, stupid!" I replied.
"Oh god you're right! FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!" Yelled Steve.
"I want ice cream too... Now I'm just depressed..."
"Well shit guys, I guess we won't get ice cream then... But we are still breaking Celestia's legs." The room that we were in wasn't far from the front door to the castle so it didn't take long for us to exit. Surprisingly instead of being met by guards we were met by a very strange sight. Well, strange for anyone else. I'm desensitized to strange. Basically, the streets were filled with donkeys, ponies, spy crabs, undead animals, and bug ponies all having an epic battle with each other. Above them was a deadly dog fight between pterodactyls, cat birds, more bug ponies, pegasi, and the remaining few helicopters.
"How the hell are we supposed to find Celestia?" Asked Steve. Thankfully, the front door of the castle is set at the top of a tall flight of marble stairs so we were elevated above most of the buildings. Looking around town quickly with my special eyes (1-800 CONTACTS! They can't have my brand! I have special eyes!) revealed that most of the fighting was coming from one spot where the ponies were holding out at.
"I'd assume she's with the rest of the ponies over there, so we'll go there first."
"What if she's not there?" Asked Steve.
"I don't know, we'll start breaking legs until someone tells us where she's at." I said with a shrug. Breaking legs has never let me down before. "Now let's go." I hardly made it three steps before there was a yell from my right.
"Paul!" I stopped and looked over to the source of the noise to see a white pony wearing golden armor with a ripped red cape. Most of the plumes on the helmet were missing and the armor plates were smeared with blood. He was flanked by a group of other ponies with slightly less decorated armor. Oh great, just when I thought there wouldn't be any guards..."It looks like it's just you and me!"
I looked around, noting that, not only was Steve here, but there were also tons of other creatures fighting all over the place. "Not really. Do I know you?"
"The names captain OC pony. I lead half of the Canterlot guard. The same guards whose deaths you're responsible for!"
I looked around again in an over exaggerated way before looking back at the captain. "I only killed some of the guards. From what I can tell the rest are being killed by cat birds, bug ponies, and spy crabs." I pointed out.
The captain spat on the ground and glared at me. "Enough talk, now I'm going to kill you myself!"
Needless to say, I was skeptical as to how this pony was going to kill me, so I asked the obvious question. "How?"
Instead of answering he saw fit to show me 'how' and began charging at me while letting out some kind of war cry. I don't know for sure, but I'm pretty sure his whole strategy revolves around him bludgeoning me with his hooves. Being the sensible creature that I am, I don't want to get my head bashed in repeatedly until I stop breathing. That already happened once and I don't intend for it to happen again. With that said, I took the appropriate countermeasures.
As soon as he got close enough, time seemed to slow down. Years of practice had conditioned me for situations just like this. Now I was going to do what I do best. Kicking ass. I jumped in the air and spun around in a full 360 with one leg extended out. Everything seemed to slow down even more as my foot neared his face. I saw the look in his eyes as he realized what was about to happen. It was too late for him to react, though, as the top of my foot impacted the side of his helmet. The metal bent inward and spit along with a few teeth flew out of his mouth. My foot just kept going, though, and it pushed his head all the way around until there was a cracking as his neck snapped.
Then suddenly time seemed to catch up with us and I landed on the ground as his body flew down the stairs. I didn't even look at him again as I already knew he was dead, and instead I just continued walking down. The rest of the guard ponies stared at me slack jawed as I just walked away, none made any move to stop me after that.
"Damn he's smooth." Said Steve as he followed after me. Now it was just a matter of getting across town to where the ponies are at. Thankfully, Canterlot is fairly small, so it shouldn't be too difficult.
As soon as that thought exited my brain-capacitor there was a loud screeching as a pterodactyl swooped down and attempted to swipe at us with its claws. I ducked down slightly, avoiding the attack, but I couldn't help but feel stupid for thinking this would be entirely easy. No doubt everything would try to kill me on the way there just like always. "Well shit." I said while shrugging. "I almost thought we weren't going to have to kill everything we encounter on the way there for a second."
"Yeah... It turns out everyone wants you dead. It's probably that that smug smile you always have on your face pisses them off." Said Steve.
"Probably." I agreed as I unsheathed my short sword from my back and grabbed my syringe pistol in my left hand. Now I was ready for anything! "In the immortal words of fantastic four's 'the thing', 'Hulk smash!'." I quoted as I walked towards the gate that separated the castle from the rest of the city. I only made it a few steps before I heard more screeching from above. I turned and sure enough, the pterodactyl didn't seem to like the idea of leaving us alone. It was banking around for another swipe at us.
"Pterodactyl?! More like Ptero-dead-ctyl!" I yelled as I leveled my pistol at the flying dinosaur and fired a few rounds. Several of them struck it and it let out another screech before it glided into the side of the castle and plummeted to the ground.
"Ptero-dead-ctyl?" Asked Steve. "Really? That's the best you could come up with?"
Instead of being insulted, I took that as a challenge. "After a fall like that he's gonna be dino-SORE in the morning!"
"Damnit! Stop that!" Shouted Steve.
"It looks like the SCALES have tipped into my favor! Get it, because dinosaurs have scales?"
"NO! STOP RIGHT NOW! THAT ONE WAS HORRIBLE!"
"I bet he EGRETS messing with me now." I continued despite Steve's protests.
He seemed to realize there was no stopping the pandoras box of puns that had been opened so he just sighed and went along with it. "Bird puns? TOUCAN play at that game."
"You know, it's AVIARY big shame that it had to end like that. He had such a PHEASANT(pleasant) personality."
"He was so TALONted... He will be missed."
"He may be dead, but he will OWLways live on in our hearts."
"Foolish fools! Pterodacyls aren't even related to birds! Your puns are stupid!"
"Sorry, I was just WINGING it." I continued. "I'm just going out on a limb here, but I think you're just mad BEEKCAWS you can't think of any puns."
"Is demonic conch complaining again? If he doesn't like our jokes, he should just fly south for the winter!" Said Steve.
"I hate every second of our interaction together. If I wasn't tied to you, I'd turn your brain into lemon-aid right now!"
"That's ostRICH, now he's threatening me."
"Don't worry, he's too CHICKEN to do anything."
"I have judged your puns and found them lacking! If you ever say another pun I will make sure Satan dissolves your testicles in a vat of acid!"
"Pshh, they'd just grow back. They always do." I said as I continued walking out the castle gate. I didn't make it two meters outside the gate before I was beset by a horde of at least twenty bug ponies that popped out of various hiding places in the nearby buildings. They were clearly looking to ambush anyone trying to leave the castle. "Fuck on a sandwich bun!" I stated as I stared down the closest bug pony. From the looks of it, they were waiting for us to make the first move.
"Damn it, Paul. Why does everything want to kill you?" Asked Steve.
"I blame the economy." I leveled my pistol at the nearest enemy. "Hey Steve..."
"Yeah?"
"It's time to kick some..." I giggled to myself a bit. "Carap-ass!"
"That's it. Your balls are grass!"
"Twas worth it." I stated as I pulled the trigger. The syringe went straight into the changeling's eye and it dropped instantly. Of course, now the group was after my skin, and they weren't taking 'no' for an answer. They all rushed forward at once with the intent of swarming me. It's unfortunate for them that they don't know who I am. Anyone with any intelligence whatsoever would know not to mess with a sex raptor, especially not a sex raptor with weapons and friends.
Within a second the first bug pony had jumped at me with the intent of biting into my delicious skin with his long teeth. Instead of doing that, though, he received the business end of my sword right in the face which I swung around like a crazy egyptian who just got caught steeling cats from a pyramid. The second and third closest changeling lunged at me at the same time with pretty much the same idea as the first one. I simply sliced to the left, hitting one in the neck with my sword and blocking it from ramming into me while I kicked upwards with my right leg catching the right bug pony in the chin with my big talon. Another one then jumped over that one and I ducked slightly, allowing it to fly right over me.
Without paying any more mind to that one, I started shooting with my pistol while I swung my sword around and hit another bug pony. I wasn't really aiming, but it's really hard to miss something that's only a few feet away from you. In the mean time, Steve was kicking anything that got close. The changelings had tried biting into him, but the fact that he was made of metal meant that they only left scratches across his 'skin'. He wasn't too happy about his flawless silver hide being scratched up so he took great satisfaction in kicking the bug ponies' heads in.
Demonic conch was doing what he does best, mentally rape things. Thankfully he had my back as he was able to murder any bug ponies that managed to get behind me. I just continued to slash away with my sword until there was a small mound of corpses and the bug ponies started to thin out. Eventually there was just one left who was looking around confused as to how all his teammates had died to us. Of course, a few syringes to the face got rid of any confusion he had.
"Ooooooh man. I sure am getting tired of being so damn amazing." I said while stretching my arms out in an over exaggerated manner.
"If by 'amazing' you mean 'a big huge queer'. Then that's probably for the best." Said Steve.
"Shut up Steve, I got way more kills than you."
"Yeah, but I got #Swag."
"Oh yeah? Watch this!" I took a few steps forward and began to hump the dead changelings. Halo man would be so proud!
BAM! New chapter! It's only been, what? A month since I last updated? I tried typing a few times but every time I wasn't able to formulate sentences in a satisfactory way so I just stopped. Of course, the main reason this took so long is because I'm really lazy. That, and I didn't have much inspiration to type at all. Hardly anyone even reads this. I shouldn't complain though, I understand why no one reads it...
Anyways, I started typing another story but I'm really torn on whether or not I should even finish it. It's about tentacle ponies and it's just something I thought I'd write for fun. I got the idea a few months ago. It's currently like 5k words long and I think it's pretty funny, but I'm not sure if anyone would be interested in reading it. If you would, can you say something in the comments?
Also, I guess I'll type another fanventure thing soon. That should be fun... I already have some (really stupid) ideas.
Fanventures: Talibarn-yard Blues
It's F-F-F-F-F-F-Fanventures time! Before you read this. I made like half the characters girls because their name or profile picture makes them seem like a girl. I doubt you're actually girls. I'm pretty sure there are no girls on the internet, so you're all men in real life (After all, the acronym G.I.R.L clearly stands for 'men in real life'). It doesn't matter though, because you're girls in this story.
Angel Lionheart stepped off the train with a sigh as she gazed out on the wasteland she found herself in.
"Why can't archaeologists ever go anywhere nice?" She grumbled to herself. She knew the answer to that question, if there's ponies living there, secrets don't generally stay secret for very long. Of course ponies have to choose to live in all the nice places so all that's left are the crappy places. Even though the title wasn't official, Angel liked to refer to herself as an ‘archaeologist‘. Not that she'd ever discovered anything, or that she even knew what that word meant, but anything is better than going back to being a waiter.
So now she found herself here, stepping off a train at a very small town in the middle of a desert. She sighed once again as she noticed just how tiny this place actually was. The entire town consisted of a wooden porch where the train stopped, a large wooden structure, and three small buildings built in front of it. The town (if you could even call it a town) couldn't possibly have more than a dozen inhabitants at most.
She looked all around in the hopes that maybe there were more buildings hidden somewhere, but all she saw were sand dunes stretching to the horizon and a few pyramids far off in the distance. Even though she knew they weren't, they looked tiny from here. Unfortunately, that was her destination on this little trip. She definitely wasn't looking forward to the strenuous walk that would be required to get there.
With a final blow of its horn, the small train started to move again. Angel looked around and was quite perturbed when she realized that she was the only one that got off at this stop. Granted there were only three others on the tiny passenger train to start with, but she was hoping at least one other would get off here too. She couldn't help but feel pretty nervous at her given situation.
She continued to watch as the train picked up speed and slowly disappeared over the horizon and with it her means to leave the tiny town. She continued to stare off at it, lost in thought of how her life went so very wrong to the point where she had to visit places like this, until she was interrupted as a bead of sweat rolled down her forehead into her eye.
She cursed at the sudden stinging sensation and wiped at said eye with a hoof for a few moments until it felt slightly better. It just now finally occurred to her how hot it was outside. The train had magic air-conditioning, so at least it stayed a reasonable temperature, but it was as hot as balls out here. And we're talking REALLY hot balls. It was only made worse by the blazing sun floating directly overhead. Normally the sun seemed so peaceful and radiant, but here it seemed only filled with malice and the intent to cause skin cancer. From her perspective it looked like an angry eye glaring down at the desolate landscape hoping for nothing more than to see everything below burn.
Of course, that meant she couldn‘t stay out here dillydallying in the skin-melting sun all day. She was reluctant to go into 'town', but it was either that or roast to death and probably provide a pretty good meal for the nearby vultures so it wasn't a hard choice. Looking around she didn’t even see any vultures circling overhead like she would have expected.
“They must be hiding.” She said to herself as she began to trot towards the largest building. “I really hope they have air-conditioning.” Of course, as she stepped off the train porch onto the sand, she realized the heat of the building was the least of her problems right now. The sand was literally scorching hot. Enough so that she could feel it through her hooves.
“Agh!“ She quickly jumped back onto the wooden structure to avoid burning her delicious hooves. “Well that’s just fantastic. It’s been like five minutes and already this place sucks.” She realized now why none of the town’s inhabitants were outside. It was like a hundred thirty degrees out here (worst part is, you’ll never know it I meant degrees fahrenheit, celsius, or kelvin! Ahahahahah)!
Looking around at the town once again to see if there was a way to avoid walking on the sand, she noticed a small sign made of worn wood. It looked pretty old, but she could still make out the words written on it with white paint.
“Welcome to Talibarn.” She read to herself. “Current population: 4.” She had to squint to see the words written underneath as they were much smaller. “We are not terrorists…?” She started to consider how strange it was that someone would write that on a sign, but it was quickly overshadowed by relief.
“Shewf, I sure am glad they aren’t terrorists.”
She briefly considered just waiting there until the sun went down and the sand cooled a little, until she noticed a black shape lying next to the sign. Walking to the edge of the platform she squinted as hard as she could at it to figure out what it was. Slowly she started making out details on the thing: Wings, a head with a beak, its talons sticking up at random angles. She nearly gasped out loud as she realized that the black shape was a vulture. Now it looked like it had been deep fried. Looking around, she saw several similar shapes lying throughout the town.
It was now clear in Angel’s mind that if she stayed out in the sun she would inevitably get cooked too. “Woah, screw that!” She yelled as she galloped as fast as she could towards the town. She imagined she looked pretty ridiculous right then, kicking up sand and spouting curses constantly, but she didn’t care very much. At the moment she was just trying to keep her legs from melting off. Besides, there wasn’t anyone around to see her anyways.
After a very short run, Angel Lionheart jumped into the relatively small amount of shade provided by the main building’s roof just in front of the door. “Yes!” She cried triumphantly, now that she was away from the very hot sand. She began to do a little victory dance.
This was interrupted as the door swung open to reveal a yellow pony with a black mane standing in the doorway. He was wearing a turban on his head and his cutie mark was a lemon next to an explosion. "What do you want?" He asked in perfect equestrian, which was surprising to Angel. She had always heard that the ponies of the desert spoke in broken Equestrian. She also heard a lot of horrible rumors about them being terrorists and stuff.
"Oh hey." She said, feeling pretty awkward at being caught in the act of dancing like an idiot. "I'm new in town." She didn't realize how stupid that sounded until after she said it.
The other pony looked her up and down quickly and then rubbed his chin as though he was in deep thought. "Now that you mention it... You do look kind of unfamiliar. Just to make sure what you're saying is true, I'll have to consult with the only other three inhabitants of the town."
She rolled her eyes at his overly sarcastic comment, but he wasn't finished yet. He turned away and shouted into the building. "Hey Biggercow789, get your fat ass over here."
A few seconds later a brown cow with black spots appeared in the doorway. "What the shit do you want? I was busy doing non-terrorist activities."
The other pony then pointed a hoof in Angel's direction. "This infidel says she's new in town. I thought I'd consult with you to see if that's correct."
The cow now focused its gaze onto Angel Lionheart and seemed to study her intently. "Hmmm, all you ponies look the same to me." It finally said.
Angel decided that that was enough and continued before they could mock her some more. "Yeah, you guys are really funny. Anyways, I traveled here to visit the pyramids that are close by, but in case you haven't noticed, it's extremely hot outside."
"Wait wait wait." The yellow and black pony butted in. "It's hot outside?" He took a step forward until he was standing in the sun. "Noway! It's hot outside!" He then turned and yelled back into the building again. "Hey Nunchucks! Check it out, it's hot outside!"
"What the hell are you yelling about?" Came the reply from a brown pegasus with green hair that appeared in the doorway. She had a pair of dynamite fastened together into nun chucks as a cutie mark. "What are you doing Aperture Lemon? It's hot out here!"
"I know, it's weird right? I've lived here for years and yet I never noticed that it's hot outside. Thankfully this pony showed up to explain it to me or I might have never figured it out."
"Yeah yeah. I'm sure that someone somewhere thinks you're funny, unfortunately that someone isn't here." Replied Angel who was quickly getting fed up with the pony's rudeness. "Anyways, as I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted, I'd like to stay here until night since it's so hot out. I intend to travel to the pyramids nearby as soon as possible. Also, if it wouldn't be too much trouble I could really use a guide."
"So you call me rude, then you want to stay in my house, eatin' up all my cheese and drinkin' up all my wine? Then on top of that you want someone to hold your hoof while you walk to the pyramids? Do you have any idea how many important non-terrorist activities I had planned before you showed up?" Asked Mr. Aperture Lemon.
Ms. Angel Lionheart wasn't sure if he was genuinely upset or if he was just messing with her. She hoped it was the latter as standing outside in the heat didn't sound like very much fun. After a brief pause, she tried to answer his last question. "Umm... None?"
"Super nope! I had sooooo many non-terrorist activities planned."
"Bull shit!" Yelled Biggercow789 who didn't understand the irony in a cow saying that. "We were just sitting around like always. There's nothing to do here."
"I'll say." Agreed Nunchucks. "I tried doing something once... Didn't work!"
"Well that's just fantastic. Now she's going to expect us to help her." Complained Aperture Lemon. After a second he sighed. "Fine, it's not like we were doing anything anyways. Come on in."
So they did just that. They went inside, that is. The building was pretty big on the inside, as most of it was built underground to stay cool. It was also surprisingly well decorated. She always figured desert pony abodes would be unkept and full of sand. Another generalization, she guessed.
"Alright, here's the kitchen and living room. And over there is everyponys' rooms and el baño. Congratulations, the tour is complete." Said Aperture Lemon as he walked into the kitchen. "Now I have to make even more food." He complained.
"Stop crying, cooking is all you're good for!" Yelled Biggercow789 who was quite fond of food, seeing as she's a big cow.
"By the way, today I'm cooking rocky mountain oysters!" He yelled back at.
"Oh god, I hope not." Said Nunchucks with a shutter. "I wish I knew what those were before I tried them last time."
Angel had stayed quiet throughout this exchange, but now she realized something. "Wait, if everything is in this building, who lives in the other buildings?"
"There's other buildings?!" Called Aperture Lemon from the kitchen, but he was ignored.
"Oh those. That's where we keep the explosives. But don't worry, we're not terrorists." Said Nunchucks with a wink. Angel had no idea what the wink was about, but she decided it wasn't important.
"Oh. My. Goodness! Like, I didn't know we were going to have a guest! If I knew you were coming over I would have cleaned the place up a bit, sweetheart." Spoke a new pony with a lisp. Angel looked over and spotted a blueish-white stallion with a dark blue mane and a matching scarf. His cutie mark was a beautifully designed tower next to a bunch of explosives.
Biggercow789 decided to do the introductions. "This is 'whymust I tower'. At least that's what he tells us. He says it's his 'soul name' or something stupid like that. Anyways he's the one who decorated this whole place."
"And it looks absolutely fabulous, wouldn't you agree?" He butted in.
"Yes, it looks... Fabulous... And this is... Ugh, you never said your name." Continued Ms. Cow789.
"Oh, you can just call me Angel." She was slightly embarrassed that she forgot to tell them her name sooner.
As soon as she said that, Aperture Lemon called out from the other room. "EAT YOUR FOOOOOOD!" The group shared a quick glance at each other before hurrying into the kitchen. There, there was a table set with five plates. On those plates were various chopped vegetables, and on those vegetables were millions of tiny bacteria, each invisible to the naked eye.
"Thank the pony equivalent of Jesus it's not rocky mountain oysters." Said a relieved Nunchucks.
"Why would we have that you silly goose?" Asked our extremely stereotypical homosexual character, whymust I tower.
"It looks delicious." Said Biggercow789 as she sat down.
"It may look good, but I coated everypony else's food with poison. But rest assured, you won't feel the affects for at least twenty-four hours." Said Aperture Lemon as he began eating.
They all looked slightly nervous, but decided that his threats were empty and started eating. Either that or they realized that they had no control over it so they might as well assume he's not telling the truth. Needless to say, they all enjoyed the meal in relative silence. Biggercow789 seemed to enjoy it a little too much as she started mooing in happiness. It was awkward, to say the least.
After delicious-food-time, they all kinda just hung out for a few hours and talked. They weren't kidding when they said there was nothing to do around the house. She could see how a life like this could drive almost anypony to commit terrorist activities, not that she thought they were terrorists, though.
Eventually, Aperture Lemon announced that the sun was going down so they should head over to the pyramids. Angel was slightly surprised that they were all coming, but then she remembered just how boring it was there. This would most likely be the most exciting thing they did all day.
So they left. They walked. They breathed. They existed. It was a boring trip to the pyramid, what more do you want me to say? The only notable thing is that it was now pretty cold out, but ponies have fur so it's okay. Finally they were there, the huge pyramids left over by ancient desert-ponies who built them using slave labor (and possibly the aid of ancient aliens).
"Alright, we're here. What are you looking for?" Asked Aperture Lemon.
It was at that moment that Angel realized that she had no idea what she was looking for. She was literally just hoping to find something cool inside that would make her rich and famous. "Ummm, let's go have a look inside. Maybe we'll find something neat." She began walking ahead of them, towards the large open door of the structure, before Aperture Lemon spoke up again.
"Wait wait wait. You came all the way out here and you don't even know what you're looking for?"
She didn't know exactly how to answer that, so she played it off like it was no big deal. "Uh, yeah."
"And you didn't think, for even a second, that perhaps you wouldn't find anything inside?"
"Maybe I'll find something, maybe I won't. Either way, I really don't want to go back to being a waitress. That sucked."
"I feel your feels, bro." Said Nunchucks as she flew up next to her. "I used to be a waitress, but then I moved out here."
"Now that you mention that, what do you guys even do for jobs out here?"
The whole group seemed to tense up at the question and after exchanging a few looks, Aperture Lemon spoke up for them. "Well, we certainly don't do any terrorist activities if that's what you were asking."
Angel felt that the answer was slightly strange and extremely evasive. "I didn't say anything about terrorist activities." She said slowly.
"Well good. Because if you did, the answer would be 'no'."
Instead of answering she stared into his eyes for a good twenty seconds after that. Mainly because she wasn't sure whether or not that statement made any sense. As she internally debated whether or not his grammar was correct he began to sweat and his pupils dilated as he was extremely nervous. Finally, she decided that she didn't know enough about grammar to figure out if what he said was correct or not, so she decided to drop it. "K." She finally said before turning towards the pyramid.
The rest of the group breathed a sigh of relief and followed after her. Once they got inside, whymust I tower lit up a torch that he was keeping in his extremely stylish, baby-blue saddle bags. They didn't really know where to go, so they just started walking around randomly in the hopes that they would find something interesting. They cleared dozens of rooms, but the place looked like it had been picked clean of any artifacts long ago.
Angel was quickly growing frustrated, if they didn't find something soon she would no doubt get bored and want to leave. Then this whole trip would have been for nothing. After another half hour of searching, they stumbled across a stairwell leading down that was half covered by a large stone slab. The stairs were covered in significantly more cobwebs that the rest of the pyramid, which was saying a lot, so it seemed promising that not a lot of ponies had been down there.
The stairs led down two flights, before ending in another hallway which was connected to even more hallways. Unlike upstairs, they didn't see any rooms leading off, so there was only one way they could go. It led on a little ways before opening up into a large room with a high ceiling.
"Woah, there's gotta' be something super neat in here." Said Angel Lionheart, who bounced in place in excitement. A few moments after she said that, she noticed something peculiar that stood out in the middle of the room. "What's this over here?" She asked.
The group edged towards it until it was fully illuminated by the torch light. Once they saw it, they all recoiled in horror. It was a pile of old bricks with a unicorn skeleton leaned up against it. Most of the skeleton was undamaged, except the leg bones that were cracked and broken in several places. Looking up, there was a hole in the ceiling just above them.
"He must've fallen through the floor." Said Biggercow789 as she put all the pieces together.
"It looks that way." Confirmed Angel. She then noticed a bag laying next to the corpse along with a few burnt out torches. On top of the bag was a small, red-covered book that looked relatively undamaged. Disregarding any respect for the dead, she reached over and grabbed the book before opening up to the first page.
Day 1
Hi, my names Hank J. Wimbelton, but if you reading this you probably already know that. In fact, if you're reading this it's probably because I found something really cool in this pyramid and now I'm super famous. That will be cool. I bet future me gets all the ladies. But I can worry about that later. The main reason I'm writing this is because I can sell it later on when I'm the most famous pony ever to exist. I'm currently writing this while exploring the pyramid. So far it has been uneventful since other archeologists and scavengers have picked most of this place clean over the years, but I know there has to be something secret hidden here.
If there's not I'm going to be sorely disappointed. I can't go back to that town without any cool treasure, the inhabitants will make fun of me for sure! That Aperture Lemon guy was being a real jerk and I have a sneaking suspicion he's a terrori- AAAAAAAGGHHHHH! *crumble*
Angel looked up from the book for a second in confusion. "He seriously wrote that?"
"Hey, I remember that guy. He came through town like a week ago. He was a real dick." Said Aperture Lemon.
"A week ago?" Questioned Angel. "But his bones are picked clean, no way that happened in a week."
"Heh, it might have been like eight or nine days, I wasn't keeping track."
"Yeah yeah." Said Nunchucks before they could argue about how two extra days wouldn't allow a body to decompose this entirely. "Read on."
Day 2(or something)
First off. Ouch. I think my legs are broken. I must have fallen through the floor into another room under the pyramid. I'll surely be famous for discovering this! Once I get out of here, that is. Anyways, after I fell through the floor I must have hit my head or something because I blacked out for a while. It was a pretty long fall and I'm sure that any lesser pony would have died from such a thing, but not I. I have no idea how long I was out for, so I'll just assume this is the second day.
Anyways, now I need to plan on how to get out of here. I have two torches left, not counting the one I'm using now. I lit it up to see my situation as magical horn light simply isn't as affective. It looks like I'll have to ration my remaining torches as the last thing I need is to get stuck down here without a light source (As I said, magical horn light isn't very good).
Day 3? (Maybe still day 2 or even day 1)
It has been several hours and I'm starting to freak out here a little. For one, I realized that three of my legs are broken. I can't crawl out of here with just one working leg... I have no idea how long it takes for bones to heal properly, but I'm hoping that it's less time than it takes for a pony to die of thirst. How long is that anyways? I'm sure I'll figure out a way to get out of here, that's not what's scaring me.
I keep hearing noises in the dark. Every once in a while I hear what sounds like hoof steps or something. It's probably rats or just me being paranoid. But I can't help but feel that I'm being watched. I ended up lighting my second torch just in case. I really wanted to see what was making the noise, but I never saw anything. Oh well, I can make it out of here with just one torch, these suckers can burn for at least an hour or two.
Day 3278(I don't even know anymore.)
I'm pretty sure that I haven't been down here for over three-thousand days yet, but that small bout of humor is all I can do to keep myself calm. As soon as my second torch went out I heard another noise, this one louder than the others. I'm happy to say I didn't scream like a little filly, but it did really startle me. I immediately lit up my third torch without thinking, but I didn't see anything.
Oh well, I can't put it out now (without damaging the torch, of course) so I'll just write this log while I'm sitting here. I guess I'll have to get out of here with nothing but magic light. I suppose if any pony could perform such a feat, it would be me. I'm possibly the greatest pony ever, after all, and once I'm out of here every other pony will know it. Anyways, I keep hearing the noises every once in a while and it's becoming harder and harder to convince myself it's rats. Rats don't have hooves Celestia damn it!
I'm really not looking forward to having my torch run out. I don't want to be alone in the dark. This place is extremely creepy. THERE IT IS AGAIN! I heard another noise! Worst part is, it's always coming from a different place. It almost makes me feel better than one day I'm going to look back on this and laugh. Almost.
Day: who cares?
My third torch went out and now I'm sitting here trying to write to only the light of my glowing horn. Thank Celestia I'm a unicorn or this would really suck. Then again, if I was a pegasus I could probably just fly out of here. On second though, fuck you Celestia. Ok, I don't really mean that, I just really need to write something right now. The noises keep happening. It's like something is walking around the room! Worst part is, my light is too small to see anything that's more than a few feet away.
I tried crawling towards the hall that I spotted on the far end of the room when I had my torch, but three of my legs are unresponsive, and whenever I try to shift position they hurt really badly. I guess I'll just have to wait a while longer until the bones heal. Hopefully whatever is in the room won't try- OH CELESTIA I SAW SOMETHING! It was a shadow at the edge of my light but it was there! I know it was, I'm not crazy yet! It's only been like eight to twelve hours maximum, no way I'm crazy yet!
Ok... I just need to calm down. Deep breathes. Perhaps it's friendl- OH SHIT! AAAAAAAGH! IT'S ATTACKING ME! NOPE, IT'S DEFINITELY NOT FRIENDLY! AGH! IT'S GOT MY NECK! OH GOD IT HURTS! THERE'S LITERALLY BLOOD EVERYWHERE!!! AHHHH, I DIDN'T EVEN THINK I HAD THIS MUCH BLOOD! WHERE IS IT ALL COMING FROM?! OUCH OUCH OUCH! WHY AM I NOT DEAD YET?! THIS IS LITERALLY THE WORST DAY OF MY LIFE! I'D KNOW BECAUSE MY LIFE JUST FLASHED BEFORE MY EYES! BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHHHH..... Hank... Signing out...
"The rest is blank." Said Angel as she finished reading his last moments of life.
"Did he really write all that while being attacked by a vicious creature?" Asked Nunchucks.
"That's how it looks. Perhaps that explains why his bones were picked clean. He probably got attacked by a wild dog that lived down here and saw him as an easy meal." Explained Angel.
At this point Aperture Lemon noticed that something was very wrong. He looked all around the immediate area before turning back to the group. "Where is Biggercow789?" He asked.
It was at that point that they all noticed that the cow had vanished while they were enthralled in the story.
"Maybe she had to go to the bathroom and she walked off somewhere." Suggested Nunchucks.
"Perhaps." Nodded Aperture Lemon. "Then again, perhaps not. Let's search the room for her, she can't have gone far."
So they spread around the room looking for any sign of their missing cow friend. Whymust I tower stood in the middle of the room with his torch, providing enough light to cover a large portion of the room. The corners and the various hallways leading out from the room were still shrouded in darkness, though. Angel and Lemon searched through the various sarcophagi that were sitting around, but with no luck.
"You find anything over there chucks?" Asked Aperture Lemon. There was no reply, so he turned to ask again, but he couldn't see his friend where she was just a few moments ago. "HOLY SHIT WHERE'D SHE GO?!"
Everypony in the room looked around frantically as they once again grouped up near the center. Shit was getting too real, and Angel didn't like it one bit. It reminded her of the last time she went into a dark area.
Whymust I tower grabbed the torch in his hoof as he spoke. "Guys, I'm like totally freaking out here."
"Yep, me too." Responded Aperture Lemon as they were now standing back to back. "How is that torch holding up?"
As if to answer that question, the torch suddenly fell to the ground. Angel in Lemon both spun around, but they were too late. Whymust I tower was already gone. After a moment of staring into the shadows in the hopes that they would see something, Angel reached out with a shaky hoof and took the torch.
"Stay close." She tried to reassure Lemon and herself. "There's still the two of us, we just have to keep a look out and we can get out of here." Once there was no reply she once again spun around and was met by the familiar sight of nothing.
"Shit shit shit shit..." She started repeating to herself as she looked around frantically. She stood like that for several minutes while constantly swearing to herself until something stepped into her field of light. Her heart metaphorically leapt into her chest as she recognized none other than NobodyPro, the tentacle pony. He was literally covered in blood and was holding a skull that looked like it belonged to a donkey or mule at one point. You can tell because the top of their head is more flat that the skull of a regular pony, seeing as though they don't need as much room for their tiny brains.
"YOU!" She shrieked while pointing the torch at him. Not that it would do any good.
"You remember your Donkey friend right? I believe his name was Rasping Leach or something. No matter, he's dead now." He emphasized this by waving the skull around. "Perhaps I should start reciting Shakespear since I have the necessary props. Alas, poor Rasping Leach! I knew him Angel Lionheart."
"Are you just going to sit here mocking me? And how do you know my name?!" She demanded.
"Oh Angel, Angel, Angel. When I said I was 'gone eat you', I meant it. But you seemed hellbent on turning me into a liar. I'm not a liar, Angel, I'm not. Do you think I'm a liar?"
"You didn't answer my question!"
"I don't have to answer anything. Just know I'll revel in your death as I did in the deaths of your friends. They weren't even terrorists, you know."
"You're a monster!" She shouted out, though it was a poor insult at best.
"Perhaps. But that matters little. Now die!" He shouted while rushing forward. Angel couldn't do much but freeze up in terror as he sank his teeth into her neck. She was expecting nothing put pain, but she didn't feel anything. He quickly pulled away and let out a groan as some of his teeth came loose.
"Wha-what?" Is all she could manage to say as she felt her neck with a hoof. The skin was hanging off, but no blood was coming out. Instead there was just metal that was slightly bent by the bite. This only left her even more confused. "WHAT?!"
NobodyPro stepped back a few feet while spitting out a chipped tooth before examining her wound for himself. "What! You're a robot!"
Angel was shocked, to say the least. "WHAT?!?!?"
NobodyPro ignored her question and began to growl. "I don't care if you're a robot, I'm still gonna kill you!" He rushed forward once again, this time lashing out with his side tentacles. In her confused state, she didn't put up much of a fight as he grabbed her front legs and her neck and began pulling them. She continued to spout incoherent questions as he pulled one of her forelegs from its socket.
Her joints let out a 'whirring' noise as they were slowly pulled apart. It only lasted a few seconds before her head and right foreleg were suddenly ripped off, only hanging on by a few wires. Her robotic body went limp with the removal of its head and clattered to the floor. NobodyPro was pleased with himself over his latest victory, even if they didn't really fight back. It didn't matter, he wasn't a liar... Well, maybe he still was since he wasn't going to eat a robot, but the details aren't important.
Unfortunately, his victory was cut short as a high pitched beeping began emanating from the robot body. NobodyPro knew what this meant immediately, and cursed himself for being so foolish. He turned and tried to run in a futile effort to escape, but it was in vain.
A few seconds later, the core of the robot, powered by a pair of tiny hadron colliders, collapsed in on itself in a security measure to insure that the technology never fell into the wrong hooves. The resulting explosion demolished the bottom floor of the pyramid causing the entire structure to collapse in on itself. Any observers would have been quite impressed with the display, unfortunately there was no one around to enjoy the view.
And there were no survivors.
Like, favorite, subscribe k thnx.
But seriously, if you read this far and haven't liked this, can you? For me? It feels warm and fuzzy in my chest cavity whenever anyone likes this. Also it counteracts all those feels I feel when someone dislikes it. Those feels man... Those feels...
Anyways, everybody died... The end...? I don't know. I thought this was pretty well written comparatively... But that's just me. Also, thanks a lot for commenting and sticking with this. I know I'm not the most competent writer, but I try. *Gold star for trying*. If you didn't understand the ending, Queen Hentai explained that a lot of the important ponies were replaced by robot spies, she also said that most of the ponies at his party were robots. Angel Lionheart was at his party, therefore she=robot. The characters' personalities have nothing to do with your comments. I made up their personalities as I don't know any of you well enough to come to a conclusion on what you would act like.
I couldn't think of any Al Quaeda/pony puns, so I went with the next best thing. A Taliban pun! Terrorist jokes will never go out of style!
PS: I'm not updating between 5 and 8 in the morning for once...
"Stop humping those corpses." Yelled Steve who seemed somewhat grossed out by my behavior. I can't imagine why he would feel disturbed by my humping of dead bodies.
"What else am I supposed to do with corpses?" I asked as I stepped away from the pile of dead bug ponies.
"Any number of things. For example: You can bury them, or perhaps pretty much anything that doesn't involve tea-bagging them."
"Pshhh. Bury them? I already have lvl 99 prayer." I said while winking at the fourth wall.
(Damn it... A Runescape reference was bound to happen eventually. Rest assured I'm not proud of myself.)
"Stop that thing." Said Mr. Steve.
"What thing?" I asked, genuinely confused.
"That thing with your big, dumb eye."
"I'm still confused as to what you're referring to, but if it'll shut your bitching mouth-flap I'll try my hardest to stop doing something with my eye." I said with a wink.
"Fuck! You did it again!" He yelled angrily.
"Will you guys just kiss already? Your constant flirting is starting to get on my nerves. That's saying something since, as a conch, I lack nerves."
"The only person I'm going to kiss is your mother, right on the lips. But not until after the two of us go out to dinner because I'm a gentleman."
"I'm confused so I'll just assume Mr. Conch said something. Anyways, my mother is a fish."
"Fair game." I shrugged. Fish are cool in my book. "Hey Steve, can I ask you a serious question?"
"No." He said flatly.
"I'm going to anyways. Do you ever wonder if perhaps you didn't actually get reincarnated as a robot and instead this is just some horrible hallucination made by your brain in the last few moments before your death in an attempt for it to get some closure or perhaps convince itself that there was nothing wrong and that you aren't actually dying?"
"I think it's far more likely that this is all some creative hell made specifically for me."
"Or perhaps this is creative heaven. After all, you do get to bask in my glorious glory." I said without even an ounce of sarcasm.
If he had the ability to roll his robotic eyes right then, he probably would have. "My built in glory sensors aren't picking anything up, so I'm inclined to believe that you aren't glorious in the slightest."
Damn... Why did I build him with glory sensors? "You're bluffing. My glory is sung across the universe. You bask in the presence of someone who is infinitely your superior."
"Infinitely stupid, is more like it."
"If I was infinitely stupid, then could I have the do the thing with want to become done?"
He looked at me for a few seconds, but decided not to respond. A clever move. The only way to win the game of Paul conversations is not to play. Instead he began walking towards our destination again. Perhaps stopping every thirty seconds to have a chibbity-chit chat isn't very productive. With that said, I started walking with him.
"So what makes you think you can even break Celestia's knees? Isn't she like a sun monster or something?" Asked Steve.
I really hadn't thought about that. Oh well, I'll just do what I always do and act cocky while winging it (No, that's not a bird pun [even though Paul is a 'raptor' {which is a term used for predatory birds}]). "Sun monster? Last I checked she was a pony, and I've murdered enough ponies to know that... Well... It's easy to murder ponies."
"Yeah but she's a really big pony. I also heard she has super sun magic."
I quickly gave him a look that asked 'orlly?', before continuing with what I thought was the most appropriate response. "If I had a money for every magic I don't believe in, I'd have all the money you eat."
"The money here is made of gold. I may be a robot, but not even I can eat gold. In fact, I can't eat anything. So that means you don't believe in magic zero times and therefore you do believe in magic."
Damn his logic. "Perhaps I just don't have an opinion on magic. Just because I don't not believe in it, that doesn't mean I do believe in it."
"You've made it abundantly clear that you do have an opinion on it."
"I can't recall mentioning magic once." When in doubt, play dumb. "Pics or it didn't happen."
"I've taken recordings of every conversation we've had together. If you want, I can play them for you." Well shit, I forgot he has built in recording equipment. Why did I give him all this stuff? He's like an argument machine!
"Fine, fine. You win this round, Steve. But be warned, like an elephant, I never forget... To kill!"
"What the hell is an elephant?" He asked.
"That's irrelephant (or EARelevant... You know... Because Elephants have big ears). We should be focused on getting to Celesti-boat."
"That's what I was saying before you decided to change the subject. How are you planning on breaking Celestia's knees? Didn't you say earlier you always have a plan?"
I did say that, didn't I? "I'm a sex raptor. That's all the plan I need."
"Hey look, cat birds. I know how much those seem to love you." Pointed out Steve. Sure enough, a pair of cat birds just finished beheading a spy crab in the street ahead of us and now focused their attention on us. Then the obvious came next, they decided that they wanted us dead. It wasn't a surprise at this point when one let out an eagle-like scream and half ran half flew at us with an axe raised up in one claw.
I was about to dispense my economy justice straight into his face when an even louder screech pierced the air, heralding the arrival of another pterodactyl. The gryphon didn't stand a chance as the larger flyer swooped down and carried him away in its talons. The other gryphon stood its ground with a short spear out, clearly expecting me to make the first move. In that case... I simply fired my economic energon at him in the form of a laser. I haven't used that in forever anyways. The economy is gonna get pissed if I keep neglecting it.
As his now slightly charred body fell to the street, I decided a witty one-liner was completely necessary. "The eagle has landed mother fucker!" Ok, I wouldn't describe that as 'witty', but good enough... I guess.
"Your one liners are worse than the line at the DMV." Said Steve.
I just turned and looked at him wondering if he was serious or not. It's really hard to tell whether or not a robot is joking based on their facial features. "Was that supposed to be a joke? Also, how do you even know what a 'DMV' is?"
"What you think fish don't have cars? And no, that wasn't a joke. The line at the DMV is always shitty."
"Fish have... Cars?" I asked, somewhat perplexed by the idea of a truck-driving fish.
"What, you think just because we're fish we swim everywhere? Typical."
"Well excuuuuuuse me princess, I only know fish about as far as I can throw them." Then again, I can throw things pretty far. Up ahead slightly was another bug pony and a guard pony kicking at each other in what was probably an epic battle to them. To prove my point, I simply picked up Steve and tossed him over my head at them before they could say anything. The bug pony never stood a chance. One second he was engaged in mortal combat, the next a robot unicorn that was formerly a fish flew from the sky and crushed him. Fate has such a cruel sense of humor.
The other pony looked pretty surprised, but he quickly ran off once he saw me approaching. That's probably the smartest pony I've seen all day.
"Fuck you!" Yelled Steve as he picked himself up off the ground. He was now covered in the blood and viscera of the dead bug pony.
"Don't fret. It makes you look more intimidating." I tried to calm him down.
"Intimidate this!" He yelled while firing a bolt of electricity in my direction. It missed by about a foot, thankfully.
"I can't. Electricity can't comprehend fear." I stated matter-of-factly.
He was glaring at me pretty hard. "Now I'm covered in guts you dick."
"On the bright side, you have a stomach now. That means we can get ice cream!"
He continued glaring at me as he pushed the entrails off his back. "I don't think it works that way."
"Sure it does." I winked at him. "All you need is a little magic. You believe in that, right?" He seemed pretty pissed off. The smart thing to do would be not to antagonize him, seeing as though a bolt of lightning to the face would really hurt, but doing the smart thing is stupid.
Then his mood seemed to lighten as he began chuckling. "I must have weighed an exoskeleTON if I crushed him that easily."
"I guess he couldn't STOMACH having you on top of him!"
"He would have fought back, but he was SPINELESS!"
Wow... More puns. How original. "That's so funny I forgot..."
"You forgot...?" Asked Steve.
"I forgot..." I confirmed.
"I almost forgot that I wasn't going to murder you someday. Thankfully I just remembered."
"Oh demonic conch, I know you're just saying that. Deep down I'm sure you value our friendship and revel in every moment we spend together. Don't worry, I know you just say those insults because you have trouble properly expressing your undying love for us. I just want you to know, I understand and I wouldn't trade our friendship for all the ice cream in the sea!"
"I don't celebrate any holidays, so it means a lot when I say I'm going to mark my calender on the day you die and celebrate that day each year for the rest of eternity."
"I'm flattered that you would make a holiday about me. I knew you cared!" I said with a smirk. As we walked down the road we continued slaughtering anything we saw. Fortunately, the fighting was pretty scattered by now so we didn't meet any real resistance. We also had to kill some spy crabs as apparently they didn't recognize us as friendlies. I'll have to talk to Dance Blaster about that later. Thankfully no helicopters shot at us. I only saw two of them still flying around and they seemed more focused on shooting at pterodactyls and bug ponies than us.
Finally we made it to where the huge group of ponies were fighting at. They were engaging the main force of the spy crabs in a choke point, so that was going fine for them. Unfortunately, bug ponies were attacking from where ever they could. I decided that trying to go in the same way as the spy crabs probably wasn't going to be very easy, so I went down a back alley. The spy crabs didn't seem to be exploiting this alley, but even so there were six guards posted there.
As I got close, I decided that maybe they could help me out. "Hey guys, is princess Celestia here?"
Instead of answering they tensed up and glared at me as menacingly as possible. "Why do you want to see her?"
"So I'm assuming she is here then. I need to meet her so I can break her knees." I stated casually. I don't know what other outcome I should have expected, but as soon as I threatened the princess, her royal guards looked like they were about to attack. "All right, this gives me an opportunity to tell a joke." I cleared my throat. "What's the difference between six pony guards and a hundred dead babies?"
"What?" Questioned Steve.
"I cook babies in the microwave before I eat them." I stated. It was a really bad joke, but it's the truth.
"Stop!" Yelled someone from above us. Of course we all looked up to see none other than Celestia glide down and land in front of the guards. "Are you telling dead baby jokes to my guards?" She questioned.
"Why yes. Yes I was." I stated proudly.
"Why?"
I shrugged. "If I don't, then who will?"
"A valid point. I doubt any self-respecting pony would make baby jokes. Though it was kind of funny, in a shock-humor sort of way. A pity I have to kill you."
"Woah woah. You want to kill me? I feel like that's a little harsh, I was just planning on breaking your knees."
"Harsh? I should have you tortured in the dungeons until you expire for what you've done! Killing you is letting you off easy! Unfortunately, I don't have time to torture you."
"What I did? You ponies are the ones who started it!"
"WHAT?!"
"That's right. I just crashed in my spaceship. And next thing I know there's all these ponies everywhere. Naturally, I did what I always do, I was polite and I tried to make friends. I thought Twilight was my friend, but then she tried murdering me with a rock, then she called the cops on me and acted like everything was my fault! Then again it wasn't actually Twilight, it turns out she was actually an impostor."
"WHAT?!?!"
"I know right. I'm the victim here." I finished.
"No no no. What was that about Twilight being an impostor?"
"Turns out she was actually queen Hentai, some big tentacle pony that's been living underground and sabotaging everything in Equestria for the last like 1500 years. She set me up because she wanted you to fight me. She explained it all before she started fighting the queen bug pony in the castle."
"WAIT WHAT?!?" She paused for a second "...Do you think I'm stupid?"
"I think you're a lot of things." I responded casually.
"You honestly expect me to believe that you're innocent and that tentacle ponies caused all of this."
"Well.... To be perfectly honest. I did kill the Zebra, and I caused property damage and stuff. But I didn't try to kill Twilight. She's the one who attacked me. Of course, like I said, she was an impostor."
She looked at me for a second, and I noticed her horn was glowing. "You seem to be telling the truth."
"Yeah, I do that sometimes." I shrugged. "Anyways, I came here to break your knees."
"What? Why do you want to break my knees?!"
"You tried to kill me even though I was innocent! I want revenge!"
"You killed tons of guards and this whole thing right now is your fault!"
"Because you started it!" I argued.
"YOU STARTED IT!" She yelled.
"Not-ah! Twas you. I'm innocent!"
"Will you guys shut up?!" Yelled Steve. We both turned and glared at him for interrupting our argument. "Just skip to the make-up sex already."
I looked back at the princess and noticed for the first time how sexy her flank was. She seemed to be examining me too. "Make-up sex?" I asked the princess.
She bit her lip, but quickly shook her head. "I've never had sex with a dragon, nor do I want to." Everybody thinks I'm a dragon... Oh well, she may have been saying 'no', but her eyes were saying 'yes' as she was clearly checking out my sweet bod.
"I'm not a dragon. Like I keep telling everybody, I'm a sex raptor!" The look she gave me made it clear she wasn't buying that. "Like I said before, I crash landed in my spaceship. I'm not even from this planet!"
Once again her horn was glowing and she seemed slightly taken aback. "What! But, you're telling the truth!"
I shrugged. "Like I said, I do that sometimes. How do you know anyways?"
"Truth spell, it tells me if someone is lying..." She seemed quite surprised that I was telling the truth for some reason. Wtf is a 'truth spell'? Oh well, that's not important. "So... You're an alien?" She finally asked.
"Hehe, to me. You're the aliens!" I know it's the cheesiest line ever, but I had to say it. It's like an obligation. Then I remembered my new mission. "So... Like I said, I'm a sex raptor, not a dragon."
"Why do they call you a 'sex' raptor anyways?" She batted her eyelashes.
"Why don't I show you?"
She kept biting her lip as she seemed to be debating with herself. "Fine." She blurted out, before clarifying. "If it means I don't have to fight you, that is."
Then Steve started playing his music .
"Oh, we'll be fighting all right." I winked at her which elicited a small blush. Clearly she wasn't used to getting hit on. Ponies probably avoid her because she looks different from them. They seem pretty xenophobic.
"Let's go somewhere a little more private. Guards, you're dismissed." They seemed reluctant to follow that order, but it didn't matter, she was already walking off. "Come on." She said back to me. So we kicked in some random pony's door. All the civilians had been evacuated out of their homes so of course there was no one home. Thankfully, that particular family seemed pretty rich and had a large bed in the master bedroom. Then we had gratuitous amount of sex.
(I hope you didn't think this was going to turn into a clop fic for even a second)
Twenty minutes later and we just finished with round 10 and we were now laying there covered in sweat. I was smoking a cigarette while she absently stroked a hoof across my chest. "That was amazing, Paul."
"Bitch I know it. Now you know why they call me a 'sex' raptor."
Then demonic conch, who was now sitting on a nightstand by the bed, spoke up. "Please kill me..."
Celestia jumped a bit at the sudden voice. "Who was that?"
"Just my stupid conch that has a demon soul trapped in it. Shut up demonic conch, you know you liked it."
"It was like watching a crocodile fight a zebra on the discovery channel..."
"You're just jelly cause you can't death roll like me." I stated.
"Are you guys done?" Asked Steve from the doorway where he was standing.
Celestia jumped a bit at yet another unexpected visitor until she noticed him standing there. "How long have you been there?" She asked carefully.
"I followed you guys in, also I recorded that."
"WHAT?!" Yelled Celestia. "Get rid of it immediately!"
"S-S-S-Super nope!" He replied. "I'm gonna get so many views when I put this on the fishternet."
Oh god... Fishternet? Is that a mix of 'fish' and 'internet'? Then suddenly another pony ran through the door. "Princess Celestia! There you are, I've been looking all... Over... For you..." He trailed off as he noticed me and Steve, not to mention how sweaty the princess was.
She instantly stood up and tried to act like nothing happened, but it was much too late for that. "Captain Shining Armor. Paul and I were just... Settling our differences..." She explained.
"Through sex." I clarified as I got up off the bed. This resulted in a glare from Celestia.
"...Anyways... The fish pony fleet is already traveling over the city. We won't be able to fight them off while simultaneously fighting the changelings and other army though." He stated.
Then I got a brilliant idea. I big huge grin spread across my face as I realized that I held all the cards right now. "I think I may be able to fix that, Princess."
"Really!? That would be wonderful, What do you have-"
"Ah-ah." I interrupted. "I can call off the spy crab army and even help you, under one condition."
"Name it! We don't have much time!"
I smirked to myself as I leaned in and whispered in here ear. Her smile immediately faded. "WHAT!? NO! NEVER!"
"I suppose the entire population of ponies isn't that important I teased."
She rubbed her face with a hoof in frustration as she considered my deal. After about a minute she finally gave in. "Fine... But I don't like this. And I'm not doing it unless you save all the ponies."
"No. I see you trying to worm your way out of this. There's no way I can save ALL the ponies."
"Then how about if we're victorious?" She questioned.
"Victory is a matter of opinion." I stated. It's true! "How about if we defeat the enemy armies?"
She sighed as it was either my deal or quite possibly lose the whole city. "Fine..." She grumbled.
"Then we have a deal! Steve, I want a copy of that tape... Eventually... Now then, let's go kill us some fish ponies!" I stated as I grabbed demon conch and walked out of the room.
Yeah... that chapter was mostly dialogue. It's a lot more fun to type that way at least. Hehe, Paul had the super sex with Celestia. I feel like that was required at this point. No clop here. If you want Celestia x Paul, go write it yourself.
See, Paul isn't the bad guy, he's just misunderstood. All the horrible things he's done don't count.
Prostate Exams and Purple Unicorns
Gorlok 12 had seen all kinds of unicorns; Unicorns with scorpion appendages, unicorns made entirely of burnt-out light bulbs, even unicorns that grow on trees, but he aint never seen a unicorn like this before! For one, it was purple. A fine color indeed , he thought to himself as he remembered that purple is his favorite color. It was also small and adorable with a widdle horn on its widdle bitty head. He could have sworn that his arteries were slowly filling with cholesterol just from looking at it in its little pod (I can only assume that how diabetes is form).
After finding the little thing hurtling through space, they pulled it in with one of the lobster ships' tractor beams and placed it in the med-bay. It was currently in a stasis pod while Kevin did some scans on it.
Gorlok 12 turned as he heard the sound of footsteps at the doorway of the med-bay and saw none other than Arnold, Kyle, Tommy, and Hank coming to take a look at the new crew member.
"I've seen a horse unicorn." Started Arnold.
"I've seen a dragon unicorn." Continued Kyle.
"I've seen a house unicorn." Responded Tommy.
"I've seen all of that too!" Sung Hank. "But I aint never seen a unicorn fly."
Gorlok 12 couldn't help but rub his face with a claw in irritation at the disney reference. "It wasn't flying, it was hurtling through space. There's a distinct difference." He felt the need to correct them.
"Yeah!" Agreed Kevin from across the room. "It wasn't flying, it was just falling in style!"
"Oppa Gangna-" Started Kyle before he received a claw to the face.
"Don't even start that shit!" Yelled Hank who looked overly angry given the situation.
"Ouch." Said Kyle as he rubbed at his now sore face. "Those were my ass-kissing lips. How am I supposed to suck up to everyone now?"
"Oh please." Continued Hank while waving a claw absently through the air. "You couldn't kiss your way out of a paper bag!"
"Could too!" Countered Kyle.
"Shut your dirty mouth-flaps or the only thing you'll be kissing is the barrel of my glock!" Interrupted Gorlok 12 before they could continue their very childish argument. "Did you guys just come down here to make bad jokes and argue?"
"Pretty much." Said Arnold with a shrug.
"Yeah." Agreed Tommy. "Same thing we always do."
"Well stop it!" Said Gorlok 12 while delivering a stern glare to the group.
After a few seconds Hank found the gonads to continue with the conversation. "So we found a unicorn... Is it made of candy?"
"Candy? That's just stupid. It's more likely made of rainbows or marshmallows!" Shouted Arnold who knew quite a bit about biology.
"Marshmallows are candy you idiot!" Yelled Hank as he waved his arms dramatically in the air to further prove his point.
"What! Marshmallows aren't candy! Next you're going to tell me that the superbowl has nothing to do with cereal!"
"It doesn't have anything to do with cereal." Pointed out Kyle who's a sportfag. "It's a football game."
"What!? Do I look stupid to you?" Asked Arnold, but before anyone could give an answer he continued. "It's called the 'superbowl', not the 'superball'!"
Gorlok 12 decided to cut in before this argument went on any further. "Shut the fudge cup (snack pack)! No one gives a shit about a 'superball' or whatever it is you're crying about. Now let's talk about this unicorn."
At that moment Kevin put down the scanning device he was using and walked over to the group. "You guys were both wrong. The unicorn is composed 20% out of sugar, 20% from spice, 20% from everything nice, and 10% from chemical F."
"Chemicle F?" Asked Gorlok 12.
"The 'F' stands for 'friendship', which is composed primarily of magic and viscous goo." Answered Kevin.
"Okay. Okay." Said Gorlok 12 as he nodded his head. After adding everything up he realized that there must be a mistake. "That's only 70%. What about the rest?"
"The other 30% is bones, various tissues, organs, and empty space."
"Alright... What else have we learned about it?"
"She ." Corrected Kevin. "She is a female."
"How do you know?" He asked, though it was a really stupid question.
"I'm a doctor." He replied with a wink while pulling a latex glove taught on his claw.
A horrified look came to Gorlok 12's face and he involuntarily took a step back as images of his last prostate exam flashed before his eyes.
Gorlok 12 kicked nervously at the floor with one foot as music played from a phonograph on a small wooden table in the corner . He was currently standing in a white room that served as the ship's medical bay. The walls were covered in posters of lobster anatomy and the whole place smelled like disinfectant. He looked over to where Kevin was standing before he finally spoke up. "Will... Will it hurt?" He questioned.
"No, no. Of course not." Replied Kevin as he lubed his claw up with lemon juice and a mixture of alcohol and mercury from a dozen broken thermometers that lay scattered across a counter. "Well... Maybe a bit." He admitted.
"What?!" Asked Gorlok 12 who was now starting to regret coming here to get a prostate exam.
"Relax." Kevin reassured. "I'm a doctor." While saying this he pointed his non-lubed claw to a doctorate he printed off the computer that was framed on the wall. He then pulled a light blue latex gloves out of a box and slipped it onto his thoroughly lubed claw.
"Wait, wait, wait. Why did you put lube on your claw if you're going to put a glove over it?" Questioned Gorlok 12.
Kevin chuckled at this for a few moments. "What, you didn't think I was going to do this with my bare claw? That's just gross! Besides, that wasn't lube. There are no sinks on the ship so I have to clean my claw off somehow." He then went over to a jar of some form of flesh-eating bacteria mixed into a thick, blue, jell-like substance and dipped his now covered claw in until it was nice and slick.
Once he was done with that he turned back to Gorlok 12 while clicking on a little flash light attached to his head.
"Are you prepared to go all the way with this, Gorlok?" He asked.
Gorlok 12 took a few seconds to think before anwering. "Yes. Yes I am prepared to go all the way, my good doctor."
"Good, good. Now turn around." He ordered.
To say Gorlok 12 felt uncomfortable would be an understatement, but he complied, for the good of his anus. He turned around and waited for the inevitable.
"Bend over." Commanded Kevin.
A solitary tear rolled done Gorlok 12's face as he did so.
"Prepare your anus..." Mumbled Kevin as he pulled his arm back, ready to begin the examination. Unfortunately, no amount of preparation could have readied Gorlok 12 for this.
As Kevin's arm shot forward, Gorlok 12 could have sworn he heard a legion of angels crying. They were quickly drowned out by the ungodly wail of agony he made only a fraction of a second later.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGHHHHHHHHHH! " The sound of a living creature's innocence and happiness being lost forever echoed throughout the ship that day.
After staring off into space for a few seconds, Gorlok 12 shook his head to clear away those horrible memories. Surely he'll be having nightmares tonight... "Ok, what else did we learn about her?"
"Well, she's alive for one thing."
"For reals?!" Asked Arnold who started clapping his claws together in excitement.
"Mmmmmhmmm." Nodded Kevin as he looked down at his clipboard. "When we found her she was surrounded by some kind of magical barrier. That must have kept her safe in space."
"A magical barrier huh? Seems legit." Said Gorlok 12 with a shrug. "So what are we going to do with her?"
"We should wake her up." Suggested Arnold who had a huge grin plastered across his face. "I want to hug her and squeeze her until she dies!"
"I would have to agree." Agreed Kevin. "Just look at those cute widdle hoofs!"
Gorlok 12 couldn't help but sigh at their childish behavior, but inside he felt the same way. "How are we supposed to wake her up? Didn't she have a magical barrier or something?"
"The barrier disappeared as soon as we removed her from space. Even if it was still up, we could probably get rid of it via our amazing mind powers anyways." Kevin reasoned. Gorlok 12 is the most bestest and powerful lobster man ever, after all.
"Well then let's wake her up." Gorlok 12's decision was followed by a round of cheering from the rest of the lobster men in the room. "But if she starts shooting lasers at us or something, I'll be forced to put her down." He added. He'd killed plenty of cute things before. He used to go baby seal clubbing all the time when he was in college. Those were the days...
The group walked over to the large tank where the purple pony was suspended in a clear green liquid while Kevin started pushing buttons at a terminal nearby. "All right, initiating the wake up lasers." Said Kevin. Essentially, they were going to fire a super fast volley of lasers into the unicorn's brain to wake her up.
What, that's not how you wake people up? Well too bad, that's how lobster men do it. Besides, I'm sure that having concentrated wavelengths of light penetrate your skull is a lot more pleasant that having an alarm wake you up.
As Kevin pushed another button several plates on the ceiling slid to the sides and a massive laser slid down and pointed at the unicorn. The group of lobster men had to move to the side a bit to make room for all the plugs and tubes which extended from the opposite wall and plugged into the back of the machine.
"All right, ventilation system is in optimal condition. Coolant at 100%. Power supply at 100%. All systems clear. Target locked. Initiating command key." Listed Kevin as he read off of the screen in front of him. "Permission to fire, commander?"
Gorlok 12 looked at the adorable little unicorn for a moment and felt great excitement build in his chest at the thought of brushing its adorable purple and pink mane. He turned back to kevin with a look of determination on his face. "Do it!"
Kevin didn't need to be told twice. He quickly punched down on a large red button that was covered in a thin sheet of glass, breaking the barrier and initiating the firing sequence. As soon as he did so an alarm started going off as little orange spinning lights lowered from the ceiling.
"Powering up!" Yelled Kevin over the noise of the alarms. Sure enough a low hum started coming from the machine as it absorbed absurd amounts of energy. Within moments streams of electricity were shooting between tesla coils situated across the device and the hum became a loud droning that overpowered the sirens.
All the lights in the room began to dim as the laser sapped energy from the ship's nuclear reactor which was working double time to provide all the power needed. "Laser at 90% charge" Screamed Kevin, though he was barely heard. The laser continued powering up to what looked like dangerous levels as bolts of electricity began to arc out and hit various objects around the room making scorch marks along the walls and frying random equipment. As it finally charged up all the way the other alarms and lights went out as the nuclear reactor was only able to make enough energy to power the machine. The machine provided more than enough light, though.
"Laser at 100% charge! Firing!" Yelled out Kevin once again as he grabbed a small hammer off a rack on the wall and proceeded to break open a glass case hanging next to it. Inside was yet another red button which he then punched in. Not a second passed before the laser let out a high pitched screech accompanied by a blindingly bright laser firing from the front of it.
It lasted only a fraction of a second, but it left its image ingrained in the corneas of all the assembled lobster men for several moments afterwards. They all blinked in an attempt to clear their vision as the rawr of the machine died down and everything became quiet. A few seconds later the lights and other machines started coming back on and the group looked towards the tube in anticipation.
It was shrouded in steam and smoke from the machine so they weren't able to get a good view of it.
"Did it work?" Asked Tommy.
Kevin began fanning the smoke away with a claw as he walked up to the terminal and started reading it. "It... It worked... By the lobster god! IT WORKED!" He yelled out. "This might be the greatest achievement in lobster man history!" He continued.
"She's awake?" Asked Gorlok 12 as he stepped closer to the glass tube.
"Judging by her vital signs, yes." Answered Kevin. "But perhaps we should check for ourselves."
The group all edged closer to the glass as the smoke began to clear. After a few moments they were able to see the little unicorn suspended in the liquid still, just now she was moving slightly. Her legs twitched a bit at first before kicking out in an attempt to find something solid.
After failing at that, her eyes began to flutter a bit as they opened for the first time in a long time. The lobster men wore huge grins on their faces as the unicorn slowly opened her eyes. They were unfocused at first, but after a few seconds they widened and focused on the nearest lobster man, who was Gorlok 12. She just sat there for a few seconds, staring at him, before she let out a silent scream into the rebreather strapped to her face and started flailing her limbs wildly in fear.
Gorlok 12 couldn't help but notice how adorable she was when she was terrified beyond all reason. He wasn't able to dwell on that for long, though, as her little horn lit up with purple light and a purple laser fired out, punching a large hole into the glass. With that the rest of the glass shattered as the liquid inside forced its way out.
Gorlok 12 couldn't help but sigh once again at the recent turn of events. "Well that's just great... How did I know it was gonna start shooting lasers?" He asked no one in particular. Without waiting for an answer he put a claw to his face and rubbed the bridge of his lobsteresque nose. "Someone get a mop..."
This took a while... Because I'm lazy. I've been busy playing video games and shit. I decided to try out half life 2 since I heard it was good so I've been playing through that for the past few days. That's my excuse and I'm sticking to it.
I hope ya'll appreciate my starcraft reference there. I typed the flashback so when I read it at a normal pace it went along with the music. After going back and watching all the original starcraft cinematics I had a super nostalgia attack and had to use that music somewhere. Also, it fit... If you never saw what I referenced (your childhood must have sucked or something) here it is .
TWILIGHTQUEST (or Meat Beater)
Super-tastic totally not-lame-at-all fun words go!: Blarg, this story disappoints me. I feel like I could have made it a lot better if I thought more about it. It's kinda too late to change that now, though. Oh well, it serves its purpose of being a big hub for me to write joke after joke, at least. I still laugh when I look back at previous chapters despite the sadness I feel deep in my very-human-like heart. I feel like these chapters with Gorlok 12 and Twilight are a good break from how horrible the story line has become. Despite that, this will be ending in a few chapters. I need to write Halo man in Equestria 2, after all.
Twilight Sparkle's alarm went off and she opened her eyes . But she didn't care, she just got out of bed and looked over to her roommate, Adrien Brody, who did the same. He wasted no time and instantly started walking out of the room. Twilight followed, and together they walked down the stairs of the tree library and across Ponyville. They walked straight through several ponies' yards, but no pony seemed to mind. Next thing she knew they were walking through each of her friends' homes, which made no sense considering Rainbow Dash lives in a cloud. But she didn't question this as Adrien Brody goes wherever the hell he wants. The last place they visited in Ponyville was Applejack's farm where she was out bucking apples.
She ignored them, though, as they ventured onwards through the Everfree forest where they passed Zecora's hut. Then they passed the dragon mountain before arriving on the other side of the forest on a beach. Before she knew what was happening they walked straight into the ocean. They passed some coral reefs, and sharks, and even some fish ponies that were just going about their business, but eventually they came out on dry land on the other side of Equestria. They arrived on a beach with a huge green statue poking half out of the sand at an angle with a bunch of apes riding horses running past it. Next thing she knew they were passing through a bunch of important places around the world.
They passed through manehattan, and cloudsdale before walking over the great wall of zebraland. Suddenly they were back in Canterlot where they paraded through a crowd of thousands of ponies before going to a courtyard where Celestia was waiting. Of course, Adrien Brody wasn't about to sit in a city filled with snobby rich ponies all day, so they promptly rocketed into space. After walking across the moon for a bit, and seeing Luna, Adrien Brody suddenly walked into the sun. Like he gave a shit about the sun. He just walked out with sunglasses and a guitar and started rocking out in space. Then suddenly, everything and everyone was Adrien Brody. Even Twilight Sparkle- NO! Especially Twilight Sparkle.
Unfortunately, this was all interrupted as a super bright laser burst through space and hit her right in the head.
"Wake up." It said before disappearing altogether. She hardly had time to question what just happened before the world around her started fading out.
Suddenly she became aware that her body was very sore. It felt like she had slept on a pile of jagged rocks or something. Of course, that feeling was offset by how tired she felt at the moment. All she wanted was to curl up with a warm blanket and go back to sleep. Without really thinking, she started poking out with a hoof in an attempt to find a blanket of some kind. After a few moments of that without any result, she kicked her legs out all the way in an attempt to find something.
But instead of finding a blanket, or bed, or even a solid surface of any kind, she felt as though her legs were pushing through water. Her mind finally realized that something was wrong and dismissed the idea of simply going back to sleep until after she found out what was going on. Finally she opened her eyes, though everything was extremely blurry and out of focus. After blinking a few times her vision started to return only for her to see something she couldn't immediately explain.
Her mind hardly processed the fact that she was submerged in some kind of liquid as it was busy trying to make sense of what was in front of her. Just behind a sheet of glass was a group of horrible nightmarish creatures clad in chitinous plating of various shades of red looking in at her. After only a few seconds, her mind finally came up with the appropriate response for such a situation. Scream and run away.
Unfortunately that didn't work very well as her legs simply kicked through the liquid she was suspended in and her scream was snuffed out by the mask she just now noticed she was wearing over he mouth. Once she realized that wasn't working very well, she moved on to plan B, AKA magic. With all the concentration she could muster in her horrified state (which is to say none at all), she discharged as much magical energy out of her horn as she could.
Unfortunately, instead of purging all monsters from the universe and returning her safely to her own bed as she was hoping, the spell simply burst through the glass above her horn. What happened next was rather disorienting as she was suddenly tossed forward by the flow of the liquid and deposited on a hard floor.
"Someone get a mop..." She heard someone say from nearby, but she was too busy coughing up the liquid she accidently inhaled on the way out of the tube to pay it any mind.
"Damn it." Another voice complained. "Now my nice clean medical room is full of tube jelly!"
"Tube jelly?" A new voice asked.
"Yeah, that green liquid. It was in a tube, and it's jelly. Therefore tube jelly!"
"I thought that it was just water that you added green food coloring to." Commented another voice.
"Everybodys a critic..."
At this point Twilight had finished hacking up all the liquid in her lungs and tried to stand up on her hooves before the things in the room took interest in her again. This was a lost cause, however, as all the things in the room were already focused back on her.
Gorlok 12 looked down on the soaking wet unicorn that was now coughing on the ground and felt a pang of sympathy in one of his many hearts. Using his mind powers, he quickly summoned up a towel and bent down to dry the poor thing off. The reaction he got wasn't exactly what he was expecting, though.
"Get away from me!" Twilight yelled as she managed to get all the way up on her hooves. She pointed her horn towards Gorlok 12, eyes wide, ready to blast him with magic if he tried any funny business.
Gorlok 12 was surprised for a second, but he'd seen weirder things than a talking unicorn, so this didn't last long. Once the brief shock wore off he was able to asses the situation. From the looks of it, the unicorn was terrified, probably of him. He realized he hadn't shaved that morning, so he probably did look kind of scary and unkept. With this in mind he slowly took a step back and put the towel down in an attempt to show her he wasn't going to attack.
"Hey there, ugh, purple unicorn. We're all friends here, no need to freak out." He tried his best to calm her down.
She wasn't having any of that, though. "Who are you!? What are you?! Where am I!?! What's going on?!?!" She yelled out rapidly while continuing to aim her horn at Gorlok 12.
He wasn't very surprised by all the questions as they were the kind of things you would want to know if you woke up in some weird place suddenly. He decided that he should start with introductions. "Alright. Hi there. I'm commander Gorlok 12." He then gestured to each of the other lobster men in the room in turn.
"That's Kevin."
"I'm a doctor!" He said while pulling his latex glove taught on his claw once more.
"Hank."
"Swag swag swag." Replied Hank.
"Kyle."
"I'm pretty sure I foreshadowed ponies like 10 chapters ago." He replied in a smug tone.
"Tommy."
"I had sex with a centipede once." He said with pride.
"And Arnold."
"Astalavista, baby!"
Gorlok 12 decided to ignore all their dumb responses for the time being. "As for what we are, we're all lobster men." He looked to see if that brought any recognition but she still looked confused, so he continued. "You are currently onboard our lobster ship in the med bay."
"What!?" She yelled out in a mixture of anger and confusion.
"We found you hurtling through spa-" Started Gorlok 12, only to be cut off.
"Why am I on your ship?!" She demanded. "Did you foalnap me?! HUH?!"
"If you'd let me explain..." Continued Gorlok 12 calmly, but Twilight wasn't having it.
"Let me off right now or I'll... I'll... I'll get Celestia to banish you all to the sun!" She threatened, but Gorlok 12 was hardly intimidated. It's not like the sun would kill him, he's a lobster man.
Gorlok 12 just looked at her calmly as she glared daggers at him. Not literally, as that would probably hurt both parties involved. After giving her a few seconds he continued talking in the hopes that she wouldn't interrupt him this time. "As I was saying, we found you-"
"Lies!" He was once again interrupted by the hysterical unicorn. "I don't want to hear your lies! Just drop me o-"
"Shut up!" Yelled out Gorlok 12. Twilight stopped mid word and stared at him blankly for a second before her gaze turned back into a glare. Gorlok 12 couldn't help but feel a little smug that he got to interrupt her back, but he hid this with his professional poker face. "I'm going to explain what's going on. You just have to remain calm. Ok?" He asked.
She continued to glare, but eventually she nodded her head so that he would continue. "First off, you are onboard our ship, as I said earlier. We are currently floating through space at approximately thirty-thousand miles per hour. We found you hurtling through space, cocooned in some kind of magic bubble a few hours ago. We pulled you onto the ship and you are currently in the medical bay. Any questions?" He explained slowly.
Her mouth opened as though she was going to ask something, but quickly closed again. Finally she found a suitable question. "Ugh... What?" Clearly this was a lot to take in.
Instead of answering, Gorlok 12 just gave her a few moments to think. Finally she came up with a better inquiry. "Your explanation doesn't make sense. How could I possibly be in space?"
Gorlok 12 shrugged. "I don't know. You were already in space when we found you." Then he got an idea as to how he could prove he was telling the truth. "If you want I can show you around the ship. All you have to do is look out a window to see that I'm not lying."
She briefly considered this before nodding to him. "Alright, but don't try anything." She slipped into a less defensive posture, but continued to eye all of the lobster men carefully. "Lead the way." She finally said.
"Well alright." Gorlok 12 shrugged before motioning for the other lobster men to leave the room with a claw. They complied without saying a word as they clearly all decided to let Gorlok 12 handle the talking for now. They were likely just scared of receiving a laser to the face, as all smart creatures should be. Then again, they did start it by shooting a laser into her head...
Once they were all out of the room Gorlok 12 walked out and motioned for Twilight to follow. They walked down several halls without making a sound before they came to the ship's bridge. There they found several monitors, half of which were occupied by lobster men busy controlling the ship, but more importantly they found windows. Twilight's jaw dropped at the view outside. It was just space, nothing too interesting, but she had always dreamed of seeing it for herself.
Seemingly forgetting the fear she had of the lobster men, she walked over and admired the view out of the window with wide eyes. It was mostly just empty blackness dotted with stars, but every so often they passed close enough to a planet to see some details on them. All of the fear and doubt she had felt just a minute ago had turned into excitement. She had sooo many questions to ask. She turned and was about to get Gorlok 12's attention when one of the lobster men piloting the ship beat her to it.
"Sir, scans are picking up something big heading our way!" The lobster man started pushing buttons at a more frantic pace now and the other lobster men in the room edged closer to get a look for themselves. "By the looks of it, it's coming in at about 45 thousand miles per hour. We have less than two minutes till it reaches us!"
"What is its composition?" Asked Gorlok 12, adopting a more serious tone. "Are we talking a rock here or some kind of ship?"
The lobster man began pushing more buttons, but before he could give a response another lobster man at a different terminal called out. "Sir, we have an incoming transmission from an unknown source!"
"Put it on!" Gorlok 12 shouted. With a few more buttons pushed a huge screen came down from the ceiling, blocking out the view of space from one of the windows. A moment later it flickered to life revealing a happy hot dog man clad in an admiral suit made of condiments. Aside from that, he had a long scar running across the right side of his face and his eye was replaced by a robotic replica.
After a moment, the figure on the screen cleared his throat. "I am admiral Hot Dog Hands!" He spoke in a russian accent despite the fact that hot dogs originate from america. "I know you have the unicorn, hand it over!" He demanded, not even caring for formalities.
Gorlok 12 took a moment to compose his argument before speaking. "No." He clearly stated. The hot dog man looked momentarily confused by this, so he decided to reiterate what he meant. "What I mean to say is; fuck you."
The admiral huffed angrily, clearly insulted, but he quickly calmed himself. "I'm not going to debate with you. We first tracked the unicorn with our long range ador-a-meters three and a half galactic cycles ago, which is way earlier than I suspect you did. What I mean to say is; we saw it first, therefore it's ours! Hand. It. Over."
Gorlok 12 rubbed his chin for a moment as though in thought, but he already made up his mind. Finally he spoke up. "In case you didn't understand me before, I'll make myself perfectly clear. Find a hard object, possibly your own genitals, and FUCK YOURSELF WITH IT! We have the unicorn, suck my dick, and have a nice day."
The admiral simply frowned at that. "I was hoping we could come to some kind of agreement." He shrugged "It matters little, I will not be denied. That unicorn is among the most adorable things we have ever found drifting through space and I will not let it slip through my fingers. Prepare yourself." With that said, the admiral cut the feed from the other side.
"You sure told him!" Shouted Tommy excitedly. "You were all like 'fuck you', and he was all butthurt and stuff!"
"Yeah." Agreed Kyle. "He so mad!"
"Sir!" Yelled out one of the nameless-console-lobster men before they could celebrate the premature victory any further. "The other ship is on a direct course to intercept us in just under a minute. What are your orders?"
Instead of answering, Gorlok 12 took a seat in his pilots chair while switching off auto pilot. He may have been the commander, but he was also one of the best darn pilots there is. He wasted no time in opening up communication with the other six ships in the fleet. "This is your commander speaking. Everyone to battle stations. This is not a drill, we have hostiles incoming in less than a minute. Take up positions beside me and prepare to engage." He flipped the com-link off and slowed the ship to a near halt. The others followed suit.
"Sir, scans indicate that the incoming ship is composed almost entirely out of various meats!" Called out one of the other lobster men. "It's also quite large, we should engage it with caution."
Gorlok 12 scoffed at such a warning. "Caution? I doesn't afraid of anything!" He replied cockily.
Twilight finally chose now to voice he concern. "What's going on?" She questioned nervously, though she was pretty sure of what was happening.
"We're gonna roast some weenies is what's gonna happen." Replied Tommy merrily.
"I do so love a good barbecue!" Said Arnold in his best imitation of a british child.
"But... why..? Can't we, I don't know, apologize?" Asked Twilight sheepishly. She clearly didn't like the idea of getting into a space battle, especially so soon after she got into space.
"I'm afraid negotiations have failed." Said Gorlok 12 without a hint of regret. "Besides, they wanted to take you. I'm not going to let that happen!"
Twilight was somewhat relieved since she had no idea what these other beings wanted her for. Then again, she wasn't sure what these 'lobster men' wanted her for either, but at least they were being nice. To her, that is.
"Don't worry." Reassured Gorlok 12 as he noticed she looked uncomfortable with how things were turning out. "I've been in dozens of space battles. This will be over in no time."
As soon as he finished saying this a huge ship came into view. It quickly slowed to a halt miles in front of them, but it was massive and they were able to see it through a variety of screens that provided a more zoomed-in view. It was easily ten times the size of any of the lobster ships and had the words 'Meat Beater' burnt onto the sides. It was also made almost completely out of various meats which were bound together with a variety of nets, bolts, staples, and long weenie ropes.
"This is it!" Called out Gorlok 12 through his console's built-in microphone. "Move in to engage!" As he said this he pushed a lever forward, providing more power to the engines. They quickly sped forward.
As soon as he gave that order one of the consoles started beeping and the lobster man behind it called out to him. "We're detecting smaller ships, about two dozen, coming out of the big one, most likely fighters."
"Incoming fighters!" Gorlok 12 repeated to the rest of the fleet. "Focus the smaller guns on them until you have a clear shot on the main ship."
As he said this, a barrage of various projectiles shot forward from each lobster ship. The fighters immediately took evasive maneuvers. They dodged and weaved with grace not usually attributed to large wads of space-fairing meat. Even so, several of the lobster man's shots made contact with deadly results. One meat-fighter was vaporized as a large, hardened, mind-carrot bore through the front and out the other side which, for some reason, caused the craft to explode sending delicious meat chunks out in all directions. Another was barraged with a swarm of angry badgers that latched on and quickly devoured its wings causing it to also explode.
Unfortunately, several of the meat ships managed to evade fire for long enough to get within firing range. They began firing plump, fully-cooked chickens with deadly accuracy, putting dents in several of the lobster ships' hard carapaces. Their weapons were ultimately ineffective, though, and the rest were quickly shot down.
By this time, the lobster ships were nearing the main meat ship and Gorlok 12 was about to give the order to fire their primary weapons. That is, until the front of the ship angled towards one of the lobster ships and began to glow ominously. Gorlok 12 saw what was about to happen and called it out almost immediately. "Pull up, Crab!" 'Crab' being short for 'Crab in a Trap', which was one of his ship's names.
Alas, it was too late. Out from the front of the meat ship a torrent of deadly barbecue sauce fired with deadly accuracy, hitting the Crab in a Trap right at the base of one of its arms. The barbecue sauce easily penetrated the weak point in the ship's hull, cutting through all the way to the vital nuclear reactor. What followed was a brief scream through the com-link by the ship's captain before it was cut off by a massive explosion that would have put an atom bomb to shame had it not been snuffed out quickly by the vacuum of space.
Gorlok 12's brow furrowed. Clearly this ship was more dangerous than he had anticipated. "Steer clear of the main gun! Once you have a clear shot, take it!" He ordered as he veered their ship off so they were running parallel to the enemy ship. "Let's see how you like it." He muttered while switching his primary cannons to fire barbecue sauce.
Once he was close he fired, shooting a stream of honey-glazed sauce out of the large cannons that replaced the lobster ship's claws. It hit its target, but did little damage.
One of the other lobster men quickly called out a report. "Our attack had little effect, however scans are indicating that the enemy craft is now over 30% tastier!"
The rest of the ships also flew by, firing off different weapons with varied results. "Circle around for another run!" Gorlok 12 ordered once they were past the large ship. As soon as he said this, the top of the ship was struck by a large meatball which chipped off a piece of the hull. Several others flew past in quick succession. Gorlok 12 reacted almost instantly, throwing the ship into a steep downward angle to avoid more of the projectiles.
A quick look at the enemy ship revealed that it had taken fire with the dozen or so 250mm cannons built along its sides. They were busy spewing out huge meatballs at hundreds of rounds per minute with deadly accuracy. Most of the ships had already taken several hits before Gorlok 12 gave the order to take evasive action.
After getting out of the immediate line of fire from the cannons Gorlok 12 angled the ship back up, flying straight towards its underbelly. He quickly toggled through the weapons as he got close before finding something suitable. "Let's cook that sucker up!" He said while firing a volley of several dozen small missiles from a pair of missile launchers on the ship's back.
Needless to say, they were dramatically more effective than the barbecue sauce. The attack blew apart a large chunk of the meat hull, leaving the ship ship not only thoroughly cooked, but also exposed. Gorlok 12 swooped around once more, avoiding the brunt of the attack by staying below the ship and out of its effective firing range, before lining up another shot in the meat ship's now exposed underbelly.
With a smirk that rivaled that of even Paul's, he channeled his lobster mind powers into his ship and fired a cluster of Nicolas Cage heads into the breach.
"Hey, have you ever been dragged to a sidewalk and beaten 'til you PISSED BLOOD?! " They yelled in unison- or they would have if sound traveled through space- before colliding with the exposed ship's innards. There was a moment where nothing happened and Gorlok 12 almost thought that his attack hadn't worked, but then a series of small explosions burst out through the hull from bottom to top. Within seconds the now-charred Nicolas Cage heads smashed their way out through the top part of the ship with a mighty explosion, cutting it in half.
Now severed in two, the huge meat ship stopped firing as several more explosions rang through its chambers and the lobster men all gave out victory cheers.
"Wooo, looks like we'll be eating like kings tonight!" Yelled Kyle.
"Yes, let's feast on that beast!" Cheered Kevin.
"They won't look so tuff when all their bacon is taken!" Replied Arnold.
"They should beat their meat into a hasty retreat." Commented Hank with a shrug. "Then again, I think it's too late for that now."
"Let's commandeer their beef, chief." Suggested Tommy to Gorlok 12.
"I'm more concerned with getting their baby backs in my baby sacks." Responded Gorlok 12.
"That's a lot of meat. To carry it all we'll probably have to tie those pork chops onto our ships' tops." Observed Kevin.
"We can eat all kinds of meat now, but you all know the chicken is what I'll be pickin'." Said Kyle. "I cook a mean teriyaki, you'll see."
"With any luck, they'll have some roast duck." Stated Tommy.
"I can't even imagine how long it'll take to eat all that steak." Started Hank.
"I'll have enough meat to send to the whole family. I hope my parents like getting veil in the mail!" Spoke Kyle.
"If they just offered some roast goose I'm sure we could have come to a truce." Arnold spewed from his mouth.
"I just wish they had some fish..." Complained Kevin with a sigh.
"Cheer up, sport. I'm sure we'll find some trout layin' about." Comforted Arnold.
"I'll probably get fat from crammin' so much salmon into my mouth." Noted one of the unnamed and worthless background lobster men.
"If they have seafood, I'm gonna nab all their crab." Admitted Hank.
"Just don't eat any crawdad, they're similar to lobsters and cannibalism is bad." Warned Gorlok 12.
"Cannibalism isn't that bad, don't be a wimp. I mean, they're like lobsters but we still eat shrimp." Pointed out Hank.
"They better have some baloney, when making sandviches, it's key!" Shrieked Kyle.
"Don't forget the venison, I'm sure they have a ton!" Moaned Tommy.
"I'll bet that ship's bridge is made of sausage!" Screamed Kevin.
"No amount of salami is enough for me." Confessed Arnold.
"I'm gonna ram some ham into my gob!" Squealed Kyle like a bitch.
"I'm gonna eat so much, they'll refer to my genocide of barbecue sauce as the holocause!" Rhymed Hank, albeit poorly.
"We'll have enough to fill the halls with meatballs!" Confirmed Tommy.
"I want chicken, I want liver, meowmix cat food please deliver!" Sang Kevin.
"I could sing about how much I love yao ming- chicken." Uttered Kyle.
"I'll make you guys some turkey jerky." Offered Gorlok 12.
"Why not just have a nice salad?" Asked Twilight Sparkle.
Instantly everyone in the room turned and gave her that face. She laughed nervously and folded her ears back. "Or not..."
Gorlok 12 sighed. He couldn't stay mad at that adorable face. "We had a good run guys... The rhymes were getting pretty bad anyways." He admitted.
Everyone was inclined to agree, especially since they were running out of types of meat that actually rhymed with anything.
Alright... I'll stop that there. These chapters continually end up being longer than I anticipated. Oh well, I rather liked this chapter.
But seriously, I was planning on this story ending like 5 chapters ago, at least. Oh well, the more the merrier, right? ....Right?
So, if any of you can think of a good humping pun or reference you should totally post it in a comment. I have to think of a title for the new halo man story. So far I'm thinking Halo man in Equestria 2: Return of the Humps, mainly because I can't think of anything better. If you can't think of anything that's fine... I won't like... Be sad... Or anything... *sobs quietly into the keyboard, somehow typing this out with my face*
After reestablishing their course, Gorlok 12 switched auto pilot back on and stepped out of his pilot seat. They had spent the last few hours literally cramming the ship full of so much meat that if it was somehow cut open in a giant space autopsy, it could almost be mistaken for any organic creature. You know, until they realized that it was just a ship full of meat...
With all that hard work out of the way, he cracked his neck before walking on down to the ship's cafeteria. All of his lobster man friends were right beside him as they prepared to get some grub.
Twilight, watched the group leave the room and took a moment to think to herself. She had been pretty quiet for the past few hours as the lobster men were working and she didn't want to make them angry or anything. Especially since they had a strange fascination with meat. She tried to rationalize that they had more than enough meat so they wouldn't try to eat her and they had yet to be openly hostile to her, but she still couldn't help but feel uneasy around them. At the same time, that group of lobster men was probably the only chance she had of figuring out what was going on and getting home. She completely relied on them for the time being.
After thinking over her options for a matter of seconds, she sighed and followed after them. "Hopefully I can at least get some more answers..." She told herself as she trotted through the metal corridors, some of which were blocked off by huge mounds of various meats. Her hoofs made a very distinct clopping, but the group of lobster men she was trailing either ignored it or didn't notice.
She couldn't help but gag at the smell of all that meat just sitting there and tried her best not to look at the disgusting display. As her mind wandered onto the topic of where it all came from, she decided that it was probably best not to think about it too hard. After a very short journey, the group entered an open room with several rectangular tables that undoubtable served as the cafeteria.
I'm taking all of this surprisingly well, she thought to herself, aside from freaking out right when I woke up, that is.
The lobster men went up to a counter where they scooped up ungodly amounts of various meat products and put them on plastic trays before coming over and sitting at a table near where Twilight was standing awkwardly.
Tommy was the first to sit down, and after setting down his food he looked over to her. "What's up?" He asked in an attempt to break the ice.
Twilight felt more than a little awkward right now. It was made even worse by the fact that she couldn't distinguish which lobster man this one was just yet. They all looked very similar, at least to her. At least she could distinguish Gorlok 12 by the various scars that covered his carapace. "Ugh... Hi." She responded lamely, not sure exactly what to say.
Although she could swear that the awkwardness in the atmosphere was palpable, Tommy didn't seem affected by it. He simply pulled out a chair next to him and patted it. "No need to stand around, you can join us, if you want." By this time Kevin and Hank had taken a seat on the other side of the table with trays similarly stacked with delicious meat.
"Uh... Alright..." She responded as she hopped up onto the seat that clearly wasn't intended for ponies. She was able to sit on her haunches comfortable enough, though. Hank was giving her a bemused look as he chewed on a piece of steak and she couldn't help but blush at the attention. Jeez, I'm acting just like Fluttershy now , she thought to herself as she noted her tentative behavior. Next I'm going to start apologizing for everything...
"So, have you won minecraft yet?" Asked Arnold as he took a seat next to Kevin and Kyle.
Kevin narrowed his eyes at him for a moment before answering. "You don't win minecraft." His voice sounded as though he was offended by the very thought.
"I won it." Replied Hank through a mouthful of crab legs. "It was easy."
"Treacherous trolls! I'll have you know I won't fall for your tricks." Kevin responded while waving a claw at them as though to shoo them away. Twilight couldn't understand most of what they were talking about, but she had already noted some things about how the lobster men communicated with each other. They continually joked and insulted one another in ways she wasn't used to, making it somewhat hard to follow their conversations. Most of the things they said would have made her friends, or any ponies, very upset, yet none of them seemed to care. In a way she found it fascinating being able to study a new species on a social level.
At this point Gorlok 12 had taken a seat so the whole group was there. "Oh please." He said while rolling his eyes. "Your jimmies get rustled like every five minutes, Kevin."
"Some people think they can rustle me." Started Kevin before looking away and nodding as though to himself. "Maybe... Maybe... But I have yet to meet someone who can rustle bullet."
Gorlok 12 just nodded at the obscure reference before looking over to where Twilight sat. "You want something?" He asked while motioning to his own tray full of meat. She looked down reflexively at the mass of butchered animals and gagged a bit, having to put a hoof over her mouth in an attempt to ward off throwing up.
"No thanks... I don't eat meat." She admitted slowly, hoping that that wouldn't somehow offend them.
Gorlok 12 looked momentarily confused before realizing his mistake. "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't really think about that." He apologized. "We have some vegetables and stuff in the kitchen. Would that be better?"
She nodded her head, wondering why these things would have vegetables stored away if they liked meat so much. "That would be fine, thank you."
Gorlok 12 looked over to Kyle. "Go get some stuff our unicorn friend can eat." He ordered. Kyle looked momentarily disappointed that he had to abandon his own meat pile, but quickly followed the order.
Once he was finished ordering around his least favorite subordinate, Gorlok 12 turned back to Twilight. "I'm sorry, but I haven't gotten your name yet miss..." He left the end open for her to answer.
"Twilight, Twilight Sparkle." She responded, seeing no reason to be secretive with her current company. As of yet, they seemed honest enough, though she had trouble believing some of their claims. She couldn't help but wonder how she got into space, but she pushed that thought into the back of her mind as she had for the last few hours so she could focus on what was happening around her.
"Aw, nice to meat you." He nodded back with what she could assume was a smile on his face. It was kinda hard to tell, seeing as though he was a lobster monster thing. No, not a monster... She reminded herself, They're just... Different, is all. Like Zecora... Just a lot more horrifying... At least they've been polite.
By this point Kyle returned with a tray piled with various food items. It was dominated by a surprisingly large variety of vegetables, but there were also some types of fruit mixed in. It's very likely that Kyle simply doesn't know the difference between fruits and vegetables so he was forced to guess, though he did a poor job at that. For example: There was an olive mixed in with a pile of carrots. Olives are nuts, not even a fruit or vegetable. Along with it was a glass of what she assumed to be chocolate milk.
"Sorry, we were out of water." Said Kyle with a shrug. "That idiot Sponge Bob took it all..." The last part he spoke slightly louder and directed towards a yellow sponge creature sitting at a table across the room.
Sponge Bob stood up without a word and gave them all the middle finger as he walked out of the room.
After witnessing the strange display, Twilight looked back to the food. For the most part, it all looked like stuff she'd eaten before, so she decided it was probably harmless to consume. "That's fine." She replied quietly, still somewhat nervous under the gazes of her present company. "I like chocolate milk anyways." That brought up some happy memories of when Spike would make her it while she was up late studying. That happiness quickly turned into worry as she wondered how she was going to get back to her number one assistant.
"You hear that, Hank? She likes chocolate milk too!" Said Arnold, pointing out Hank's own glass of chocolate milk.
Hank swallowed the grotesque lump of what once could have filled a menagerie (I learned a new word!) that he was chewing on, before answering. "I just know we'll become the best of friends!" He replied in a mock british accent while clapping his claws together. Twilight couldn't help but smile. At least they were familiar with the concept of friendship, however different it was for them.
"Yeah, you guys have so much in common." Pointed out Kevin. "You should set up a play date." Now in an uncharacteristic reversal of roles, Hank was the one getting his jimmies rustled. Well, he would be if he wasn't so darn cool.
"Damn straight." He replied simply.
After a brief silence as the group consumed their organic matter, Gorlok 12 decided to start another conversation. "So..." He directed his attention to Twilight. "Where are you from?"
Twilight smiled widely at the chance to share how wonderful her home was with her new 'friends'. "I'm from a place called Equestria. That's the country, the planet is called Pony Land. I live in Ponyville in the library, since I'm the librarian there. But that's just my day job, I'm also the princess's personal protege. Well, Celestia that is, there's two princesses now, but I live in Ponyville to study the magic of friendship with my five friends!" She replied a little too quickly. She smiled shyly as she realized how weird that must have sounded.
Gorlok 12 raised an eyebrow as he listened to her reply, momentarily confused by her rapid transition from being shy to excited.
"Sorry... I got a little excited there." Admitted Twilight as she chuckled nervously.
"That's fine. I get pretty excited when I talk about the lobster planets too." He replied with understanding, mainly to not upset their new guest. She was likely still somewhat emotionally unstable and the last thing he wanted right now was to anger her and get shot by magical lasers. "So, what were you doing in space?"
She scrunched up her nose and thought about it briefly. "I've actually been meaning to ask you about that. I have no idea how I got in space or anything." She admitted.
"So you didn't go to space on your own?"
"Not that I can remember, the last thing I can remember before waking up on this ship is being at my home in Ponyville." Aside from those weird dreams I was having, I really need to cut back on the sugar before bedtime. She thought to herself.
"Hmmm." Gorlok 12 looked unfocused as he seemed to be thinking about the situation at hoof, or claw in this case. "That's strange. And you don't remember encasing yourself in a magical bubble?"
"Uhhh, no. I don't think I put a bubble around myself."
At this point, Kevin stepped into the conversation. "Actually, I ran some tests and the energy given off by your bubble was a direct match to the energy left behind by that laser you fired in the med bay. Lobster men each have a unique energy signature given off by their mind powers, so I can only assume that the same is true for you and your kind. With that said, it's more likely that you put the bubble on yourself." He argued, though he literally knows nothing about magic.
Twilight, however, is an expert on magic, and she knew that what he was saying holds true for unicorns too. If what he said was correct, then she did shield herself, though she didn't remember it. "I suppose you're right." She conceded. "But that doesn't answer how I got to space in the first place. The only pony I know of that ever went to space is princess Luna, but that was with the help of some really powerful magic." She explained.
Gorlok 12 rubbed his chin as he thought things over. Finally he sighed. "I suppose I don't have enough information to answer that. As I said earlier, we just found you floating through space quite recently."
Twilight looked down at her partially eaten pile of food in disappointment. She couldn't expect the lobster men to answer all her questions, they were almost as ignorant in this as she was, but she still hoped they could answer more. After a short silence she spoke up again, asking the question that had been on her mind since she first found out she was in space. "Would it be possible for you to take me back home?"
Gorlok 12 looked into her big pleading eyes for a moment. He knew she would probably ask that eventually, and he wasn't sure if it was possible, but he couldn't in good conscience outright deny her. Instead of answering right away, he turned and looked at Kevin, silently asking if they could. He was the one with all the information at the moment, after all.
"Well." He began. "When we found you, you were heading in the opposite direction of us." He paused for a moment to let the implications sink in. "You weren't going very fast, so as long as you weren't in space for more than a few decades- which seems unlikely given the state of your magical bubble- we will likely pass by your home world on the way to our destination."
It took a moment for this to sink in with the group. Twilight's chest welled up with excitement at being told she would likely be able to return home and the lobster men were excited at the chance to see more adorable little unicorns. Of course, they had a mission to fulfill so they wouldn't be able to stay for long.
With the new information, Gorlok 12 turned back to Twilight, happy he didn't have to give her bad news. "Well, I hope that answers your question. I'll tell the ship crews to scan all planets we pass for signs of life." He didn't want to openly tell her 'yes', since it's plenty likely that she could have been thrown off course or something, but he wasn't going to tell her 'no' either.
She seemed content, though. "Thank you guys so much, I was really worried I wouldn't be able to get back."
The rest of the meal was spent with the group exchanging stories and information about their homes. It was apparent to Gorlok 12 that he, and the rest of his friends, had made a brand new friend that day. And it felt magical.
What's this?
What's this?
There's dialogue everywhere
What's this?
There's friendship in the air
What's this?
I can't believe my eyes
I must be dreaming
Wake up, Ethesto, this isn't fair
What's this?
What's this? What's this?
There's something very wrong
What's this?
There aren't any linked songs
What's this?
The chapters lined with
No little ponies getting trolled
Everybody seems so happy
Have I possibly gone daffy?
What is this?
What's this?
For some ungodly reason that nightmare before christmas song is stuck in my head... I was going to type the whole thing out with partially changed lyrics when I realized that that would be really stupid and take a lot of time. No matter...
I rather enjoyed this chapter regardless of its lack of jokes and action. For once the main character wasn't being a dick to the ponies. Friendshipping is best shipping. Gorlok 12 x Twilight Sparkle all day long. I hope I didn't butcher Twilight's personality too much.
Paul fights everyone
"La-la-la-la-la. La-la-la-la-la!" I sang with my sex raptor vocal cords out my sex raptor mouth as I skipped through the putrid, corpse filled streets of Canterlot with my big sex raptor legs. Did I mention I'm a sex raptor? Because I feel I need to mention that since someone decided not to mention me for three fucking chapters! IT'S MY STORY ETHESTO YOU FUCKTARD! NOT GORLOK 12'S! I'LL MURDER YOU! AND WHO THOUGHT IT WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA TO NOT TYPE A NEW CHAPTER FOR LIKE 9 WEEKS?!
Sorry, I lost my cool for a second there. Oh who am I kidding? I'm cool even when I'm angry, but that's not important right now. As I was saying I was skippin' through the putrid, corpse filled streets of Canterlot. It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood, as Mr. Rogers would say. Despite the horrible smell of rotting flesh and the blood caked on literally every available surface, I was having a good time.
Before you say anything, yes, it's because I fucked Celestia. How can I be unhappy after that? I just hope she's not too upset when she finds out that I have herpes. But I'll deal with that later. Or perhaps not. If everything works out, I'll be out of this shitty pony world long before she realizes she acquired an STD. In the mean time, I needed to find Dance Blaster.
I gotta call him off so we can focus our combined might on the real enemies. Which is to say the cat birds, bug ponies, fish ponies, and whatever the fuck else come to pick a fight with us. Because god knows we don't have enough problems already.
I hopped merrily through the roads with Steve at my side, the sound of screams and weapons clashing adding a pleasant ambience to the air. Things may look shitty here, but I remain optimistic.
"How are we even going to find Dance Blaster?" Asked Steve, who was enjoying everything significantly less than I was.
"Will you relax? I planted a tracking device in Dance Blaster's skull while he was asleep once." It's amazing that he didn't wake up, the drill I had to use was really noisy. And then blood started gushing everywhere and it was just a disaster. I don't even want to think about that right now.
"Alright, how do we track him then?" Asked Steve, getting right to the point.
I rubbed the back of my neck nervously with one claw. "Hehe... The problem is... I kinda planted the tracking device in his skull... You know, instead of the part that you track." It was an honest mistake.
"Honestly, I'm not even surprised. After spending so much time with you, I think I'm desensitized to stupid shit."
"Now that's the spirit!" I patted him on the back. "Once you learn to accept the stupid shit you can move on and do more important things with your life. Like becoming a sith lord." I rubbed my claws together and began cackling to myself. "Yes, harness the stupid. Let the power of stupid coarse through your veins!"
"Anyway... How are we supposed to find Dance Blaster? Wandering through this city randomly wouldn't be so bad if I didn't have to do it along side a big retard."
"That's easy." I said with a flick of my wrist. A gesture of 'brushing off' his question. You know, since it's so easy. Even with that wrist flick, though, I still answered his question. "He's right over there."
Sure enough, Dance Blaster was like a block away in the middle of a huge group of spy crabs and riding on the back of Sprinkles. They were currently fighting an assortment of different creatures, mostly bug ponies.
"Oh. That was easy." Remarked Steve as he pressed his built-in easy button.
With a skip and a hop the group of us was close enough to start a pleasant conversation. "Hey yo Dance Blaster!" I called out, instantly getting his attention. "We need to talk for a minute."
He let out an over exaggerated sigh, as though talking to my was a chore, before coming over to our group. "What? I was having a pleasant time marching my army through the streets and murdering everyone and I'd very much like to get back to that."
"We got a change of plans. Celestia and I teamed up. The ponies are no longer our enemies."
"How did you manage that?" He asked.
Steve answered that for me. "The two of them banged." Dance Blaster nodded his head in understanding.
"I was rather enjoying killing ponies." He said in a distraught tone, hanging his head in sadness.
I moved forward and put a claw on his shoulder in a comforting gesture. "Buck up, sport. We still get to kill bug ponies and all that other shit. Just not the normal, pure-bread ponies."
His eyes instantly lit up with joy. "Do you really mean it?"
"Of course. Now rally your army, we have a whole bunch of random shit to kill." He happily hopped back to his mount, eager to get back to slaughtering his enemies.
"So... Now what?" Asked Steve. I thought it was pretty obvious.
"Now we go murder the fuck out of everything. What else?" I didn't even wait for his, no doubt, witty response. I ran into the brawl between all the random creatures and the spy crabs, instantly picking up a bug pony and slamming it down on my knee. Steve soon joined me, kicking heads in with his metal limbs while the demonic conch did his thing. And by 'thing' I mean converting things into lemon-aid.
Even Stephen was there, slicing stuff to bits with his overly-large sword. It was such a joyous time, slaughtering countless enemies with my friends. Unfortunately for our enemies, they weren't nearly organized enough, nor did they have the sufficient fire power, to take us down.
Within a matter of minutes, most of the enemy forces in the immediate area were either fleeing or dead, leaving the streets around our horde of spy crabs safe for the time being. I decided to get a damage report before something else comes out and attacks us. "Hey Dance Blaster!" I called out once again. "How's the army doing anyway?"
"Meh. Most of the undead animals either got stepped on or killed in some other way and at least half the spy crabs are dead. So, not too bad." He said with a shrug.
I decided the appropriate response would be to shrug back. "I prefer to think of it as 'half the spy crabs are alive', but that's just me. Either way, I guess that's good enough. I don't know shit about commanding an army."
"Hey Paul, break times over. We got an airship coming in hot." I looked up to see what looked to me like an average-temperature air ship that had flown past the castle and was bombarding the city randomly with its onboard cannons.
"How do you know it's hot?" I questioned, trying to remember if I installed a temperature gauge in him.
"It was a figure of speech." He deadpanned. "Now stop fucking around, we have to do something about that."
"We'll get the apache helicopters to shoot it down. Problem solved."
"Ugh... About that..." Said Dance Blaster nervously. "The helicopters are kinda not an option anymore."
I gave him the most serious look I could manage. "Not an option? They're god damn mother fucking ass raping apache helicopters. They're ALWAYS an option!"
"Well... Once we got into the city, they got swarmed by all kinds of flying creatures. All but two of them exploded, and the remaining two are out of fuel, I think. We parked them down the street a little ways back since they weren't working anymore."
"Oh yeah. I forgot that they use fossil fuels..." I sighed. "I suppose even helicopters need a weakness, though. Otherwise they'd be OP. And you know what they say about OP."
"That he's a faggot?" Asked Steve.
"Exactly."
"So... What are we going to do about that airship?" Continued Steve, clearly hoping to get this conversation back on track.
"Same thing we do about everything. We kill it!"
"Its made out of wood and metal. Neither wood nor metal are alive, therefore we can't 'kill it' like you said." Responded Steve like the know-it-all that he is. Always trying to make me look stupid... Two can play at that game.
"Yes, but wood and metal are made form trees and trees were at one point alive. If we can kill trees, we can kill airships." I pointed out with my infallible logic.
"I think you may be on to something..." Said Dance Blaster.
"Indeed. It's simple, we fly up there and kill the crew or break anything that looks important. Then when we're done we can have ice cream to celebrate."
"Damn you and your ice cream... But I can't argue with that plan." Stated Steve in approval of my amazing planing skills. "Hop on!"
I turned to Dance Blaster before mounting Steve in the least sexual way possible. "You continue... Doing whatever it is you do..." And with that we rocketed into the sky, a trail of delicious rainbows following in our wake. Once we were high enough, we curved downward, pointing directly at the airship. Unfortunately, our approach wasn't subtle in the least bit, so they saw us coming at them. A small flock of sea ponies with wings flew off the deck of the ship, clearly hoping to knock us out of the air.
Sadly, their lack of understanding of physics would be their downfall. You see, Steve is a heavy, metal pony rocketing through the air while they are made of squishy and light meat. "Hold on!" He shouted over the sound of the wind. A moment later we collided with several of the fish pegasi who simply thudded against Steve without much affect. I was leaned down pretty low, holding onto Steve for dear life at this point, when one of the fish ponies rammed into my back.
"Shit fuck!" I called out. That was going to leave a bruise in the morning...
After a few moments we leveled out, coming in towards the deck of the airship. It literally looked like a big wooden boat, but with a huge balloon on top. Not very creative if you ask me. Steve attempted to slow down, but even so, we came in a bit too fast. There was an obnoxious scratching sound as his hooves ground a trench in the wooden deck, quickly pulling him to a stop.
Sadly, physics is a cruel mistress, and him suddenly slowing down threw me off of his back. I did a front flip in mid-air, which would have been cool had I not landed on my back. Right where I got hit by that fish pegasi... Ouch... With a grunt I pulled myself up, instantly noticing the dozens of fish ponies all over the deck staring at us in confusion. They literally looked like different kinds of fish, but with pony legs and either horns, wings, or neither.
Needless to say, they looked creepy as shit. They continued to gape at me, or perhaps that's just how they always look, being fish and all, and I took advantage of that. I pulled out my syringe pistol and leveled it al the nearest fish pony while spouting a witty one-liner. "Tonight you sleep with the fishes'." Ok. It wasn't witty in the slightest bit... But I tried. And in the end, isn't that all that really matters?
I then fired a syringe directly in between its eyes. I couldn't help but feel a little smug about my gosu aiming skills. Even if it was only a few feet away. Unfortunately, the assault of one of their own seemed to pull the fish ponies out of their shock, and they charged me wielding an assortment of cutlasses, knifes, and classic looking pistols in their hooves.
It was at that point that I saw the captain, wearing a huge weather-beaten hat with a feather poking out with an eye-patch and even a fish-parrot on one shoulder. Everything instantly became very clear. These weren't ordinary fish ponies... These were pirate fish ponies! Maybe they'll have treasure for me to loot.
I could worry about that later, though, at the moment there was an entire crew of angry pirate fish ponies bearing down on me. I pulled out my sword with my other claw and jumped into the battle. Thankfully, their aim with the pistols was atrocious. I guess I can attribute that to that fact that they're using hoofs to aim. Not to mention I was moving all over the place and guns that old aren't very accurate.
I continued slicing through fish pony after fish pony and filling them with deadly neurotoxin with my pistol, but there were quite a few of them. At least, like every other enemy we've faced, they weren't particularly well trained and their armaments just weren't up to snuff when dealing with a sex raptor. Medieval weaponry just isn't going to cut it against someone as amazing as me.
After about a minute, their ranks were finally beginning to thin out and I was able to catch a glimpse of the captain at the back of the ship fiddling with some kind of door in the deck. Probably in some hope to escape below. Doesn't he know he can't run from me?
I soon realized that he wasn't trying to escape when he pulled a big lock off the doors. They instantly flew open, knocking the captain out of the way as dozens of breadfish burst out into the air. They flew in circles around the boat as the entire herd of no less than fifty streamed out of their holding cell. However, the lead fish soon focused its attention on me.
The hateful look in its black and yellow, soulless eyes was enough to confirm that it meant nothing but harm. "Steve!" I called out, managing to pull his attention away from the fish ponies whom he was beating mercilessly with his metal hooves. They wanted nothing more than to run away at this point.
"What?" He yelled back.
"Tell me, have you seen the marvelous breadfish?" He looked up and instantly spotted the many marvelous breadfish who all had their angry gazes fixed on us.
"He's like an inverse sandwich..." He responded.
"Indeed."
Sadly, our charades couldn't go on forever. Breadfish are patient creatures, but that patience only extends so far. Now that we were done with our lame conversation it was time for blood. They charged at us through the air in ranks of four.
I was quick, though, as always. I rolled to the side, avoiding their deadly assault. "Ha! You missed!" I shouted smugly. Yes 'smugly'. That's a word. Sadly, my rein of smugness wouldn't last forever as the breadfish had hardly even scratched the surface of their true power. Their bread bellies folded open and out slid an assortment of metal appendages, each hosted some type of sharp object. The sides of their bread-loaf bodies extended revealing a pair of jet turbines which would surely allow them to reach supersonic speeds.
"Well shit..." I said. The bread fish instantly broke formation, flying around randomly as they came at me. I jumped out of the way as one tried to slash me with a knife only to run into another that jabbed me with a needle arm. "Ouch." I said, slapping the offending breadfish away with the butt of my pistol. Another came at me, swinging a ball and chain on one appendage and a pair of meathooks on the other.
I jumped up, avoiding the deadly weapons on its underside, and kicked it in the side of the head. The breadfish spun out before hitting the deck and exploding in a magnificent fireball. Unfortunately, I made a mistake. The air was their domain, and the breadfish would not simply let them tread into their territory uncontested. While I waited for gravity to bring me back down to the deck, the breadfish swooped at me. I swung my sword out in an attempt to fend them off, but it was in vain. One of them flew by, slicing a few scales off my shoulder with a razor while another poked me in the chest with a knife. It hit the chest plate of my armor, causing it to slide off before cutting along the underside of my arm.
I then landed on the deck, glad to be out of the air where they reigned supreme. I ducked low to avoid another attack while taking pot shots with my syringe gun. At least the syringes were able to pierce their soft exteriors easy enough, but they were hard to hit. Another came at me with a spiked club on one arm only to get hit by a bolt of lightning. It instantly exploded for some reason.
I turned to see Steve firing randomly at them with his lightning gun. It seemed pretty affective as he was surrounded by the charred corpses of at least a dozen breadfish. However, he was covered in various dents and scratches from where the bread fish had struck him. As I watched, one with a tiny chainsaw on its arm flew past and cut a thin gouge through his side.
I turned around right in time to see another breadfish flying at me. Thankfully, their tactics were rudimentary at best or we'd be in trouble. I simply delivered a kick directly into its face, launching it back a short ways where it exploded. I saw another coming at me from the corner of my eye, only for it to fall to the ground in a pool of blood.
"Got one..."
"Finally." I told my conch companion, "I thought you were just going to sit here all day doing nothing."
"Do you think it's easy turning things into lemon-aid? I'll have you know it's very complex. Have you ever done it? Didn't think so."
"If I tried I'm sure I could." I told him, mostly to piss him off.
"Pshh... Like, whatever, man."
Just then, the breadfish pulled away, their numbers now reduced by nearly half. They hovered above our heads, looking angry. Then, one breadfish flew forward slightly. This one was clearly the leader. It opened its mouth and out flowed a heavenly voice. It sounded like blue. "It seems we have underestimated you. No matter, you may have defeated us here, but know this. Breadfish do not forgive and breadfish do not forget. It may not be today or tomorrow, but one day we will come for you. Our numbers will darken the sky as we rain death upon all who would dare appose us. But rest assured, your death will not be swift. We fill find you, and we will make you suffer. We will break you, and when everything you have ever loved has been brutalized beyond recognition we will kill you. Expect us." With that, it turned and flew away along with the rest of the breadfish.
I was momentarily shocked, before I started snickering to myself. "Jokes on them, I don't love anything."
"What about me?" Asked Steve.
"Ha!" I laughed in his face. "I wouldn't love you with a thirty-five and a half foot pole."
"Well I'd hope not. That sounds painful at best."
"Anyway, let's finish this. We can just crash the ship at this point since I'm sure there'll just be more fish ponies below deck trying to kill us." I walked over to the steering wheel, or whatever it's called, and tried to figure it out. It looked pretty similar to that of a normal ship, but there were some levers to change altitude and turbine speed. I simply steered the ship towards the cliff above Canterlot and then punched the acceleration.
"Now let's get the figgity-fuck outa' here before we crash!" I told Steve as I once again jumped onto his back. We flew out of there and landed a safe distance away to watch. The ship crashed into the rock face with a loud crack that could be heard over even the sounds of battle. Then, like everything else, it exploded in a massive display of light and fire. Clearly their stores of gunpowder helped out in that regard.
Then there was another cracking sound as the cliff broke apart in an avalanche of huge boulders. They rained down, smashing several buildings below and kicking up dust for blocks around. I cringed a bit at the damage. Thankfully, this isn't my city. I want nothing to do with the cleanup efforts.
"Well, what a glorious victory that was." I said while looking back to the battlefield. My gaze instantly locked on the castle in the distance where dozens more of those airships hovered around it, firing their cannons willy nilly. "Fuck my life. There is literally no way I'm dealing with all those..."
You might be thinking that by now the shit had already hit the fan. That there's no way that the situation could get more fucked up. Well, if you were thinking that, then you clearly forgot about the tentacle ponies. I sure did. So it was a surprise to everyone when the entire city began to rumble.
It continued to rumble for a few minutes and I was starting to wonder if the whole city would just fall off the cliff at this point. I mean, how much abuse can one city take? Of course, those thoughts were set aside as the building in front of me sudden collapsed on itself. It was quickly shred apart by a huge drill that pierced its way through the ground. After a few moments it stopped spinning, but it wasn't over yet. No, giant drills clearly aren't bad enough.
Once it stopped spinning, it split open into four segments which spread out and pushed its two-story tall cylindrical body off the ground. Protrusions then folded out from its sides, one stretching out into a long barrel while the other formed into a claw with what looked like a flame thrower attacked to it. The front of it slid open, revealing a set of camera-like devices that scanned the immediate area before focusing on Steve and I.
"Seriously?" I asked while waving my arms around for emphasis. The whole situation was only made worse as tons of tentacle ponies clad in armor and wielding all kinds of guns started crawling out of the hole accompanied by a swarm of various types of robots. "What the fuck?!" This was just too much... I mean, really? "What the hell am I supposed to do about this?"
Steve inched towards me as we were surrounded by hundreds of enemy soldiers. "Perhaps we should go somewhere else to wonder that." He whispered.
I nodded in agreement. "That sounds like a pretty good plan all things considered." I suddenly jumped onto his back and kicked him with my spurred heals, prompting him to bolt off into the sky. The enemies instantly opened fire, trailing after us with a mixture of bullets and lasers. I looked back and blew a raspberry at the stupid enemy army that couldn't even hit us.
"Lawl! Noobs L2 aim!" I called out. I then noticed the huge drill robot aiming its longer arm directly at us. "OH SHIT! EVASIVE MANEUVERS!"
Steve got the idea and began swerving in the air, narrowly avoiding a projectile from the robot that continued on before exploding in the air. We flew down lower, getting cover from the buildings before it could fire at us any more. Even from our lower altitude, I could see more of those drill robots coming up all over the city.
"This is bullshit. How are we supposed to beat that?" I asked Steve, as though he would know the answer.
"I don't know. Let's rendezvous with Dance Blaster and try to figure something out." I couldn't think of a better idea, so I was inclined to agree with him. We flew low to avoid any more anti-air fire and soon came to the spot where Dance Blaster and the army was previously at. Unfortunately, by the time we arrived, the spy crabs were already engaged in epic combat with the tentacle pony forces.
Actually, it was less of combat, and more of a massacre. The tentacle ponies' superior weaponry was easily cutting through entire ranks of spy crabs. Most of the spy crabs were in full retreat with Dance Blaster at the head of the group running for his life. Then I spotted Stephen. It wasn't hard since he towered over everyone else. Before I could do anything, he was struck directly by an RPG which instantly blew him to little tiny zombie bits.
"NOOOOOOOO!" I cried out. Those assholes killed Stephen! Well, he wasn't really alive, so I guess they didn't kill him, but I'm still upset. Ok, I'm not really that upset. He was pretty much just a big meat monster anyway. His personality was nonexistent. Not to mention, he smelled pretty bad. Now that I think about it, I'm glad he's gone. Then I realized that Sprinkles wasn't with Dance Blaster.
I scanned the battlefield quickly with my mega eyes and spotted a big manticore-shaped lump. Now I was really sad. "No! They killed Sprinkles! Not my kitty cat!" Killing someone's pussy is a real low blow... Oh well, I can worry about that later, for now we got to do something before everything completely goes to shit. Well, more so than it already has.
"Let's go get Dance Blaster and figure something out." I told Steve. Without another word we flew over to the necromancer who was still fleeing. I quickly grabbed him and we escaped into a nearby building where we would be moderately safe. At least safer than we would be outside.
"Alright, well stuff went downhill really fast..." I said. The sound of gunshots and explosions outside had replaced the previous sounds of battle. "How are you doing Dance Blaster?"
I now noticed that he was clenching his chest with one hoof. He pulled it away to reveal a hole that was hemorrhaging blood everywhere. "Well..." He deadpanned in an extremely raspy voice. "I aint doin' so well sarge."
"Aww shit. You're hit soldier! MEDIC!" I got up and tried to cover up his wound in some attempt to stop the bleeding, but he grabbed my claw in his magical hoof-grip.
"It's too-." He coughed up a big wad of blood before continuing. "It's too late for that. I've already lost like twelve gallons of blood."
"No, it can't be too late! How many gallons of blood does the average pony have?" I looked around for something to use as a bandage.
"Like two to three courts..." He answered before coughing a bunch. "I was being sarcastic by the way."
"Oh..." I said lamely. "Well, you're not dying on me soldier! I already lost my kitty cat and Stephen, I'm not losing you too!"
"There's a fucking hole in my chest... I don't even know how I'm still alive explaining this to you..."
"Can't you use your necromancy to revive yourself again or something?" I asked hopefully.
"No. I'm already undead, I can't just keep reviving myself over and over again. That would be stupid..." Well that sucks. "Listen, before I die, I need to tell you something. Come closer." I moved closer to him. "Closer..." I put my ear right next to his head to hear what he had to say. Then he spat in my ear and made a fart noise with his mouth.
I instantly pulled away, reaching up to rub my now wet ear-hole. "What the fuck man?!" However, he couldn't answer that, as he was dead. What a dick... I stood up, dropping the dead body on the ground, and turned to Steve. He looked like he was having trouble deciding whether he should be sad or laughing.
"Fuck you too." I told him while trying to clean all the spit out of my ear with my pinkie claw.
"That was hilarious." He pointed out. He wouldn't think it was so funny if I spat in his ear-hole... "And also kinda sad. Now I'm stuck with just you and that dumb conch. Why couldn't you have died instead?"
I gave him a hurt look, but he just laughed in my face. My friends are all dick bags. "Whatever. Let's just get revenge on those tentacle ponies. That will make everything better."
"How do you plan on doing that? They kicked everyone's collective ass in a matter of minutes."
"I don't know. Why am I always the one who has to come up with the plans?" Of course, there was no time for planning as the door burst open and in ran a fucking infiltration team of tentacle ponies. "Hit the deck!" I called out, jumping behing a couch.
Just in time too, one of the tentacle ponies unloaded an assault rifle into the area where I was just standing. Before he could reload or move aside for more tentacle ponies, I jumped over the couch, landing on his beck and biting down on his neck. A quick twist of my head and his neck snapped. At the same time, I kicked out at the pony right behind the downed pony, hitting him in the top of the head before he could aim his shotgun at me.
Before he could get his bearings I jumped away and took off running towards the back of the house. "Let's get the fu-fu-fuck outa' here man!" Steve didn't need to be told twice, he was right behind me in a moment. We ran out the backdoor and down a few alleys before hiding in a dumpster.
I peeked out, not seeing anyone pursuing us. I breathed a sigh or relief. "Today sucks... At least we got away." I was now regretting not building any WMD's while I lived in Ponyville. Those would really come in handy at a time like this.
"Who knows." Said Steve. "Armies keep showing up. Maybe we'll get some help."
"Don't be naive." I told him. "You think an army is just going to fall from the sky and start killing the tentacle ponies for no reason? That'll be the day..."
--
Gorlok 12 stood in the bridge to his flagship looking out the large window. Before him was a small blue and green planet with one tiny moon circling it.
"Sir." Started one of the crewmen. "We've tracked Paul's ship all the way to this planet, however the trail ends here."
Gorlok 12 nodded. He had come a long way and now it looked like they had finally caught up to Paul. Just then, Kevin walked in accompanied by Twilight Sparkle. "Aw, just the unicorn I was looking for." Said Gorlok 12 with a smile. He couldn't help but remember the special night they shared a few days ago.
"What's going on?" She asked, before looking out the window and seeing the planet below.
"See anything familiar?" He asked.
She continued to examine it for a few moments before smiling widely. "I recognize that. That's Equestria down there!"
"Perfect. Then it seems we're both going to the same place. Helmsman take us in. We have a raptor to catch."
It was like something out of a science fiction movie as the small fleet of lobster ships descended. They burned through the atmosphere, their thick hulls protecting the crew from the intense heat. Gorlok 12, Kevin, Hank, Arnold, Kyle, and Tommy stood ready in the bridge, each wearing their metallic battle armor. Twilight Sparkle stood nearby admiring the view out the windows as they rapidly neared Equestria. She also couldn't help but sneak a few peaks Gorlok 12's way. His armor made him look like a dashing knight, ready to sweep a damsel in distress off their feet, or in this case hooves. It turned her on more than anything else.
After piercing through the cloud layer, the ships leveled out and slowed to a manageable speed, now flying above a forest that spread for miles in all directions. First off, they needed a place to land. It would be easier to track Paul on foot at this point, and they also had to drop Twilight off.
Gorlok 12 decided to consult their sexy unicorn Equestria expert. "Where can we land?"
"Anywhere really." She answered back. "If we can find a town or landmark I'll be able to point us towards-"
She was promptly cut off as one of the lobster men at a terminal needed to relay some important information. "Gorlok 12, sir. The scanners are picking up class 5 distress signals, and a lot of them!"
"Class five?! That's almost as bad as class six!" Gorlok 12 shouted.
"And even worse than class four." Confirmed the other lobster man with a nod. "Our scanners are also picking up a huge influx of adorableness from the same area. Whatever is distressed, it's cuteness levels match that of Ms. Sparkle."
Gorlok 12 rubbed his chin for a moment as he processed this new information. Whatever was going on, there was something adorable, and it needed help. He couldn't just stand here and do nothing.
"Sir! Our sensors are now picking up minor traces of economic energon from the same area! It could be Paul."
"Do we have scanners for everything?" Asked Gorlok, but he already knew the answer to that.
"Just about, sir."
"Alright. Head towards the source. From the looks of it, the locals are in trouble, and I'd wager Pauls to blame." The six lobster ships instantly turned slightly to the right and flew off at well over a thousand miles per hour. At those speeds, it's no wonder they arrived at their destination within a matter of minutes. They slowed down once they neared a mountain, on the side of which was built a city.
It instantly became clear that something was going on, as the city was almost entirely on fire. None of the lobster men were particularly phased as they were all used to war, but Twilight was practically speechless. All she was able to do was stare open mouthed at what used to be a majestic city as tears began streaming down her face. Gorlok 12 instantly took notice and moved in to comfort her.
He stroked her mane with one claw while 'shhh'ing in her ear. "It'll be alright." He coo'd.
"Sir, our scanners are picking up a lot of activity from the city. We've detected several thousand life forms with a similar magical and cuteness structure to Ms. Sparkle holed up in a few separate areas. We're also detecting thousands of others spread throughout the city. They seem to be accompanied by robots. We've also managed to triangulate the approximate position of the economic energon fluctuation inside the city." Gorlok 12 was momentarily impressed. Scanning technology had really come a long way... He couldn't even begin to imagine how they managed to scan half this stuff.
"Ignore Paul for now, we'll deal with whatever seems to be attacking the city first."
"Sir!" Shouted out another nameless lobster man. "We're detecting multiple lock-ons. We're about to come under some heavy fire."
"Move in to engage! For the Emperor!" Gorlok 12 shouted, giving praise to the God Emperor of the Imperium of lobsters. The other lobster men did likewise before rushing to their respective battle stations.
--
"Goddamn it!" I yelled, seeing the six lobster ships flying up to the city. Really? Just when I thought things couldn't get any worse, the lobster men show up?
"I remember you saying something about how 'armies don't just fall from the sky'." Said Steve in his dumb voice.
"Technically, they're flying. And now is not the time for mockery, now is the time for srs biznich."
"Are they really that bad? I mean, those ships are literally giant lobsters... From my time as a fish, I remember lobsters being big pussies."
"If they were pussies I assure you, they were not like these lobsters. And nothing, NOTHING, like the lobster man on that ship."
"What are you, president of his fan club?" He asked, eliciting a glare from me.
"No. I'm just not stupid. There are a bunch of them. Maybe I can defeat them, but at the same time I might not be able to. Quite frankly, I don't like that uncertainty."
"Alright then, what's the plan?"
I was about to answer, when the real fighting started. The tentacle pony army, previously unapposed, had opened fire on the lobster ships. Hundreds of small ground-to-air missiles along with AA fire from the robots was simultaneously shot at the lobster ships. They instantly swerved around with grace that didn't seem possible for such large vehicles, dodging many of the projectiles. The rest simply collided with force fields around the ships, no doubt powered by the lobster mens' loosely described mind powers.
The lobster ships wasted no time before returning fire. The main guns that replaced the giant lobsters' claws turned and bombarded the enemy with devastating explosive shells that were targeted primarily at the huge robots, while smaller turrets along the ships' sides let out streams of laser-guided missiles and bursts of high-caliber machine gun fire. This was followed by a barrage of various mind attacks from the lobsters inside.
They continued to fire wave after wave of attacks at each other, but it was clear that the lobsters had both superior accuracy and firepower. Within a matter of minutes, most of the tentacle pony forces had been reduced to metal scraps and smoldering chunks of meat while the lobster ships had barely been scratched. It was clear who won.
The few of the fish ponies' airships that remained intact after their brief battle with the tentacle ponies quickly decided that a tactical retreat was necessary after watching their previous enemies get brutally slaughtered like they were nothing. They flew off, leaving the skies clear of all enemy forces save for the lobster ships that now hovered about the ruined city. That and the huge cloud of smoke that engulfed the sky.
For the first time in hours, the city was silent. The few survivors of the massive free-for-all battle dared not go out in the open as the massive lobster ships silently loomed high above the city.
Steve was pretty shocked after the display. Clearly, he wasn't expecting the lobsters to be that powerful. "Now the lobster men are here to fuck us..." I told him, letting it sink in just how screwed we probably were at the moment.
--
"That was easy." Said Gorlok 12 over the ship's microphone. He expected the enemy to at least put up a little bit of a fight, but instead they simply got slaughtered. Then again, few things could stand up to the might of even one lobster man. Sexraptors being among those, which reminded him of why they were there in the first place. "Let's drop off the landing team here. Hopefully we'll be able to get Paul before he gets the chance to escape out of the city." He then turned to Twilight. "You'll be with me, hopefully we'll be able to find your leaders or something."
Twilight nodded, still pretty shaken up at the sight of Canterlot in such a horrible state, but she followed anyway. The two of them moved to the belly of the ship where they met with the rest of the crew that was going ashore. Basically, every lobster man that wasn't busy driving the ships. Gorlok 12 picked Twilight up, momentarily confusing her before the floor opened up beneath them, dropping them a short way to the city.
Thankfully, through the use of mind powers, their fall was slowed to a manageable rate, and their legs didn't snap in half like hardened spaghetti noodles. They touched down in the mostly destroyed street to find that it was littered in a variety of corpses. Twilight hid her face in Gorlok's chest, not wanting to look at the horrible sight. Gorlok 12 just hugged her close as he looked around for any signs of trouble. Around him, at least fifty other lobster men were doing the same.
Suddenly, a voice echoed through Gorlok 12's head as one of the pilots contacted him telepathically. "We're picking up a group of life forms similar to Ms. Sparkle close to your position. I'll mark them on your map." Gorlok 12 pulled up his built in HUD and looked down at the minimap in the corner. Sure enough, no more than a block and a half away was a red marker showing him where to go.
He turned to the rest of the group. "Kyle, you'll be my second on this one. I want you and the rest of the group to go after Paul before he gets the chance to leave the city. The ships will be able to give you his approximate position. You and you," He pointed to two random, nameless lobster men. "Will accompany me as I meet with the locals. Hopefully we won't run into any trouble, but if we do, don't attack unless I give the signal. The last thing I need is dead adorable ponies. Well, more of those, anyway..." He trailed off, taking note of multiple dead ponies and pony-like creatures in the area.
Kyle saluted before moving off in the opposite direction while Gorlok 12 headed towards the red marker. One of his escorts ran ahead to scout as he walked along, having to walk around disemboweled corpses and rubble everywhere. It didn't take long before he got to his destination. It was a huge, half destroyed building. It was likely a beautiful mansion before this, but now the upper floor was completely collapsed and it was riddled with holes.
He didn't see anyone outside, so he stepped up to the door, seeing a doorbell to its right. Thinking that it would be rude to just barge in, he rung the bell, waiting patiently for an answer. Eventually, after about thirty seconds, the door opened a crack to reveal a gray pony wearing charred golden armor and holding a spear in one hoof. His eyes instantly widened as he took stock of the lobster man standing just outside.
Gorlok 12 cleared his throat before speaking. "Yo yo yo Mr. Pony. I got this here purple pony by the name of 'Twilight Sparkle' all up in here." He told him, sure to use his best grammar and politeness so as not to piss the local off.
"Twilight Sparkle?!" Yelled a voice from inside before the door was jerked open by a golden aura. There stood a tall, white pony whose eyes instantly locked onto the purple pony in his arms. Twilight perked up at hearing her mentor's voice and turned to see her.
She smiled widely, forgetting the horrible sights of the city as she jumped out of Gorlok 12's arms to nuzzle Celestia's neck. "Celestia! I missed you so much! What happened? Where are my friends?!" She had a thousand more questions, but she was shushed by a light hoof against her mouth.
"I'm happy to see you too Twilight, but we have a lot of questions too. Perhaps we can fill each other in, starting with who our guest is." She finished, looking at Gorlok 12.
He sighed inwardly, knowing that there was going to be a lot of explaining in the near future.
--
"So, what's the plan?" Asked Steve for the second time. As if the plan isn't completely obvious.
"We're going to go out there and kill the lobster men. What else?"
He stared at me like I was crazy for a few moments. I likely am crazy, but that's not important. "But you were just telling me how powerful they were! Not to mention they leveled the entire tentacle pony army in minutes."
"Yeah yeah yeah." I waved his worries away with a flick of the wrist. "I've been fighting lobster men for millions of years, I know what I'm doing. They're pretty tuff, but if you know what's what, and you have as much swag as me, they're not a problem."
I was faintly aware of him saying something after that, but my mind suddenly went all wooshy. At least that's the best way I could describe it. Suddenly, I felt as though I was traveling really fast. This sensation only lasted a moment before my mind became clear again. I instantly knew where I was as the same thing had happened countless times in the past.
I was now in subspace, home of the economy, or at least my consciousness was. Although I couldn't technically see anything, I could visualize it with my mind. All around me was simply empty, black space, without even distant stars to provide light. The only notable thing was a massive blue circle in front of me. Perhaps 'massive' isn't the correct word as the thing stretched on further than I can even fathom, and glowed so bright it hurt my mind a bit just thinking about it. Thankfully, I was so amazingly far from it that I was able to visualize it as a simple blue circle. This was the economy in all its economic glory.
I chuckled nervously as I felt it probing my mind. "Hey hey."
Don't 'hey' me! Its voice thundered in my mind. You've been prancing around pony land for weeks and not once did you even think to talk to me? You didn't think I'd like to know about cute little ponies too? And what's more, you've hardly even been using the economic powers I bestowed upon you. Are you ashamed of being the champion of the economy?
"No, no! Nothing like that!" I assured it. "It's just that-"
What?
"Well, most of the stuff I've fought hasn't been all that bad. You know, compared to the shit I normally have to deal with. I didn't think any of it was even worthy of being smote by your amazing power."
Yeah, yeah. Whatever. I honestly don't care what you do, I'm just bored and slightly disappointed that you hardly talk to me anymore. Subspace is really boring.
I couldn't help but agree. This place is really lame. "Perhaps you should decorate the place a bit. I could see maybe adding a couch or something over here."
Maybe. But that's not why I brought you here. I sense that Gorlok 12 is close to you.
"Yeah, I guess he followed me."
Of course he did. And now he's going to kill you. He's going to try to, anyway. You may be a real big dick who ignores me most of the time, but you're still my champion damn it. With that said, you had better kick their asses in my name. I bestow upon you the full might of my economy-ness. Let our enemies tremble and despair. Suffer not the lobsters to live.
"Really? Shit, son. Now there's no way I can lose."
Don't get a victory boner just yet, Gorlok 12 has grown even more powerful as of late. I wouldn't bestow such amazing power upon you without reason. His mind powers have grown two-fold since the last time the two of you faced off. I fear even the energon I provide will not be enough given how little I can channel to you at the moment.
"What do you mean? The link to subspace was fine here last time I checked."
Then you don't check very often. The city, Canterlot, in which you, and the others, besieged was the most influential trade city in the whole country, and by extension, the whole planet. Because of your actions the economy has taken a significant blow which in turn weakens the connection between it and subspace. Do I need to go on or does your stupid brain understand?
"Hey, my brain isn't THAT stupid. Sorry, I made a mistake. I didn't know Canterlot was so important for trade."
Sometimes I wonder why you're even my champion... No matter, that's not important at the moment. What is important is defeating Gorlok 12 and the rest of the lobster men. Now go, you know what to do.
I didn't have time to respond as I felt my consciousness slipping back to my body. I was suddenly aware that I was laying on the ground, face-first, as Steve poked me with a metallic hoof.
"Hey. Hey. Hey." He said very annoyingly as he continued to poke me. After a moment I swatted his appendage away before standing back up. "You blanked out there for a second there. I thought you had a heart attack or something from being so scared of the lobster men."
"Naw, man. I was just communin' with the economy."
He gave me a blank stare before responding. "What did it say?"
"That's not important. What is important is that the lobster men are nearby." I could easily smell their thick scent in the air. A scent I was grossly familiar with.
"What are we going to do?"
I gave him a devilish grin, my eyes glowing a light blue as I felt economic energon flowing freely through me. "We're gonna make us some lobster bisque.
The group of lobster men were just around the corner. I didn't need to see them to know they were there, my lobster senses were tingling like nobodies' business and that generally only happens when lobsters are nearby. Without waiting any longer, I stepped out from the alley I was hibbity-hangin' out in with Steve to confront the lobster scourge.
They all immediately took notice of me, swag walking my way into the center of the street like I own the place, and focused on me with their dumb lobster eyes. Then, the crowd of lobster men parted as their leader stepped forward. It wasn't Gorlok 12 at all!
I decided to shape my confusion into the form of a question, so as to perhaps figure out why Gorlok 12 wasn't leading this group when he should have been. "Where's Gorlok 12?"
The head lobster man huffed in feigned disappointment. "What? Am I not good enough for you?" He said in an obviously sarcastic way. I already hate this guy.
I gave him a quick look over, not noting anything particularly special about this lobster man. "No." I responded honestly.
This time he actually looked genuinely hurt. "I'm genuinely hurt by that." He said, concluding that he was, in fact, genuinely hurt. Either that or he was being sarcastic, it's hard to tell with text sometimes. "I'm special in my own way. Everybody's special."
I decided to chuckle at the sheer ignorance of that statement. "No. If everyone was special, then no one would be special."
He thought it over for a few moments, rubbing his chitin-coated chin with a big ol' claw in the generic way that people do while thinking. "I suppose that makes sense, though I feel like you stole that line from the Incredibles." Shit, he knew!
"No." I decided to deny. "I'm original all the time." He nodded, obviously believing my entirely true statement. He had no reason not to, I'm a really honest and humble guy. After that, neither of us knew exactly what to say, and we ended up standing there awkwardly for a few long moments trying not to make eye contact with each other. I scuffed my foot against the cobblestone street while trying to think of some way to start a new conversation, when the lobster man beat me to it.
"You know, this is weird. We all know who you are, Paul the gay ass sex raptor, but you don't know us. Let me introduce myself. I'm Kyle, Gorlok 12 put me in charge of this group." He then pointed to another lobster man. Hell, I don't know, they all look the same to me. "That's Kevin, our fleet's medical expert."
The lobster man dubbed 'Kevin' pulled a latex glove taught over one of his claws eliciting a loud 'smack' as he let it go. "I'm a doctor." He stated confidently, turning his chin up to give off an air of superiority. I was hardly impressed though. I could be a doctor too... If I felt like it...
Kyle then pointed to another lobster man. "That's Hank. He's a badass who lives life on the edge."
Hank nodded, putting on a pair of sunglasses. "I'm so fresh you can suck my lobster nuts." I most certainly will not suck his lobster nuts...
"Over there is Arnold. One time he pee'd straight up."
Arnold shrugged in response before deciding to explain himself. "I was laying down in the bathroom and I really had to pee. The solution was simple. I pulled down the pants that I was wearing at the time and pee'd straight up. Naturally, gravity took over from there. Then my mom got all mad at me for, and I quote, 'pee'ing everywhere'. Moms, can't live with them, can't murder then with a knife without going to jail."
"That story gave me autism." I told him.
"Why thank you." He said back, either naive or a better troll than I thought.
"That idiot over there is Tommy." Pointed out Kyle. "He has sex with centipedes and shit." I cringed at the thought of having sex with a centipede. Who would ever do such a thing?
"That was only one time." Clarified Tommy. "Besides, who hasn't had sex with at least one arthropod in their life time? I mean, anyone?" I had to give him that, I've had sex with multiple arthropods. No one said anything, cementing that everyone in the immediate area had, at one point, had sex with an arthropod.
"Finally, he's here for you, it's the last member of the lobster crew. This lobster's so strong it isn't funny, can make a kremling cry out for mommy. Can pick up a boulder with relative ease, makes crushing rocks seem such a breeze. He may move slow, he can't jump high, but this lobster's one hell of a guy." And then a really muscular lobster man with a mohawk who I have yet to mention this entire story pushed his way out of the group. "I'd like to introduce you to Shizbo the exterminator."
Shizbo flexed his amazing muscles a few times in an impressive display before saying anything. "I'm gonna deck your halls, bub." No wonder he hasn't been mentioned this whole time, he made a christmas pun and it's not even christmas! What an idiot.
"And the rest of these dumb lobster men are just nameless background characters." Kyle pointed out, receiving nods from several of the other lobster men.
I nodded a bit as he got done, going over their names in my head. I suppose those weren't the worst names I'd ever heard. The ponies definitely hold that record. I mean, 'Fluttershy', 'Twilight Sparkle'? Who comes up with this bullshit? I decided it would be only fair for me to introduce my posse as well. "Well, as you all know, I'm Paul, the most amazing creature to ever exist. To my left is Steve. He's an undead fish put into a robot unicorn's body."
Steve gave a nervous wave with his hoof but didn't add anything. "And right here is demonic conch, or Dimi for short."
"If you ever call me that, or any other nickname, again I'll flay you and turn your skinned corpse into a pair of socks!"
"He gets kinda cranky sometimes. Anyway, he's a lemon-aid demon lord trapped in a conch shell."
With all the introductions done, it was time to get down to business. "Well then, now that I know your guys' names and can no longer simply identify you as faceless entities with no personalities whose lives mean nothing to me, I'm going to murder you all."
The lobster men were instantly on guard, getting into various fighter stances, ready for the impending battle. "You will try." Corrected Kyle.
I simply smirked at him before turning to Steve. "Leave this one to me, I'll show you how killing lobsters is done. Oh, but first, put on some super epic music."
"K." Said Steve as his soundmake-o-trons began playing the most amazing end boss battle music from my entire childhood.
With dem amazing beats smacking me right upside the ear drums, I decided that it was time to tango. And by 'tango', I mean 'commit mass murder'. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to make the first move. Without warning two of the unnamed lobster men from the front of the group charged forward. One was wielding a quarter staff build from pure mind energy while the other was dripping mind-strawberry-jelly from his outstretch claws. Within an instant they were upon me. If there is one thing lobster men are known for other than their amazing mind powers, it's their speed, and cunning, and fortitude. One thing.
The first lobster man swung his staff into a wide arc, hoping to splatter my fragile skull in one fell swoop and claim glory for his family. Unfortunately for him, I wasn't too keen on letting my skull get cracked open like a bottle of champaign on new-years eve, and I moved back several inches letting the staff pass by mere millimeters from my delicate skin. Seeing his failure at a nice easy insta-kill, the lobster man tried to pull his staff back to block the inevitable counterattack by me.
I wasn't about to let him get off that easily though. I take it rather personally when people make attempts at my life. Before he could recover from his miss, I moved forward slightly before bringing my balled-claw up into his chest in a vicious upper cut. Lobster man chitin may be strong, but I was pumped full of delicious economic energon. More than is likely healthy. With that said, it's of little surprise that my claw continued through his thick hide and even through his ribs before stopping elbow-deep in his abdomen.
Without even waiting for a reaction, I reached up further into his chest, grabbing onto a hand full of his tender organs with my talons and pulling them out before shoving them into my mouth. Delicious. It was of little surprise that he fell over dead at this point.
Sadly, I was unable to savor the sweet taste of victory (and guts), as the other lobster man was trying to flank me to my right. He slashed out with one claw, sending mind-jelly flinging out all over the place. I jumped back a few feet, managing to duck down and narrowly avoid a drop of the stuff as it flew past my head. The spot I was just standing was now coated in the fowl stuff and I could tell from the way the cobblestones were melting that it was clearly highly corrosive. This is of little surprise, though, as strawberries, and all fruits for that matter, are full of acid.
Before he could try for a second attack, I moved forward, grabbing his outstretched claw by the wrist. He attempted to pull back only for me to bring my other arm down in a karate chop, hitting him directly in the humerus. Unfortunately, it wasn't humorous at all for him, as his arm snapped like a stick. Yes, that was supposed TIBEA bone joke, I'm aware that it wasn't at all funny. With a firm grip on his now snapped arm, I pulled it up, easily overpowering him, and rammed his own claw into his face resulting in a shower of blood as his head literally exploded.
I paid this no mind, though, as I'm used to being covered in blood at this point. In fact, it kinda turns me on. I didn't even have to turn to know that my next combatant was approaching from behind. I could smell the very essence of lobster permeating the air around me in the way only lobster smell can.
I turned around and instantly came face to face with a lobster man holding what appeared to be a cat plushy. I was instantly confused, giving the lobster man just enough time to strike. The plushy disappeared, making way for a ball of scorpions laced with gasoline. They instantly burst into flame, the copper excreted by the scorpions' bodies turning the fire a sickening green-orange. I wasn't able to examine the flaming ball for long, however, as it was quickly chucked at my head.
It bounced off my cranium with a 'thud' and I recoiled a bit in shock. That kinda hurt... Of course, I was trained too well to let something as simple as pain slow me down. I ducked low before simultaneously punching the lobster man in both of his knees, severing both legs at the joint with a sickening crunching sound. He fell forward as his legs were obliterated, attempting in his last moments to conjure more vile mind-sorcery to save himself. He was unsuccessful as I delivered another set of punches so fast my fists broke the sound barrier. Within the blink of an eye I had also punched off his arms as well as the top of his head.
He died later that day from food poisoning.
I stood back up, catching sight of more lobster men approaching, eager to test their mettle against my legendary fighting prowess. They were using conventional lobster tactics, using unimportant characters to gauge the enemy for weaknesses and tire them out. It's just too bad for them there was a glaring flaw in their strategy. I'm a mother fucking sex raptor with more fighting experience than a truck load of tiny Chuck Norrises and enough stamina to have sex all through the night.
Deciding not to let them have all the fun of attacking, I jumped at the nearest lobster man, claws bared. He was quick, though. He maneuvered to the left, narrowly avoiding my razor-sharp finger-blades, and formed a coat of mind-rubber around his body. Despite the battle going on, I couldn't help but scoff at how stupid of a move that was. "Rubber? That's the stupidest thing I've ever seen. You're likely the stupidest lobster man ever."
His next words caught me completely by surprise. "I'm rubber and you're glue, anything you say bounces off me and sticks back to you." My eyes widened in horror as my words literally bounced off of him and impacted me directly in the face. This was enough to cause me to stagger back, giving the lobster man an opening. One that he took.
He moved forward, his arms morphing into a pair of deadly chainsaws that revved like an angry cat. Within a blink of an eye he was upon me, baring down with his chainsaw arms. Thankfully, a blink is all the time I need. I shaped an economy shield in front of myself, absorbing the saws as their bladed teeth mercilessly bit into it. Then, using my superior strength, I pushed up, knocking him back away from myself a few feet. I was about to follow through with an attack, when I noticed a very peculiar clopping sound. The sound of hooves on cobblestone.
I turned just in time to see a lobster man, mounted atop a furious looking horse composed of hundreds of tiny mind-horses being held together by mind-peanut butter, who was wielding a lance and coming right towards me. Deciding that it was probably best to get out of the way, I rolled to the right, avoiding his lance by mere inches as it wizzed by.
I wasn't about to let such a heinous act go unpunished, though, and I formed the energon of the economy into a pair of circular saws that I wielded in my claws like ninja stars. I then threw them out with deadly accuracy, flicking my wrists perfectly to cause them to spin at skin-rending velocities. They each met their mark in the back of the mounted lobster man, sawing through him like a circular saw through a warm lobster, and rendering him unconscious.
The lobster men were relentless, and didn't seem too keen on letting me go on the offensive. Another pair of them split from the main group, charging at me and holding a mind-chain in between them. Simultaneously, the lobster man with the chainsaw arms came at me again. I was ready for him this time, though, and I pulled my sword out, ready to deliver an easy kill. Lobster trickery is unmatched, though, and it quickly became apparent that his strategy revolved around more than simply charging me and hoping to get a lucky hit in.
As he got close, I noticed the belt of mind-grenades strung to his torso, all oh which had their pins pulled out. It instantly became apparent that this was a kamikaze lobster man. A lobster man so fowl that even he hates his own life, blatantly throwing it away to better the whole of lobster kind. Usually through suicide bombing.
Now that I was onto his ploy, there was no way I was going to let him near me. Those mind-grenades would blow my mind! I quickly summoned the power of the economy into the palm of my claws, forming it into a deadly ball of energon that I compressed into a tight ball. With a quick toss, the ball of energon hurtled through the air with a sizzling noise as it melted straight through the oxygen molecules composing approximately 20% of Equestria's atmosphere before impacting the offending lobster man square in the chest plate. His body was instantly consumed in bright blue flames as the power of the economy purged his very being.
I mentally sighed after using so much energon to kill a simple lobster man. I didn't have an infinite amount after all. perhaps the lobster man's tactics to wear me out were working better than I had thought. I wasn't able to dwell on such thoughts, though, as the lobster man chain gang closed in, hoping to swipe me between their mind-chain.
As you likely know by now, I'm not one to take such an affront to my well being sitting down, so I jumped up, stretching my legs out as I spun through the air like a helicopter. My extended foot talons made short work of their flesh, decapitating them both before I steadied myself and landed. Another lobster was coming from my right. I turned, expecting to see another worthless lobster man, and was therefore surprised when it was Kevin assaulting me. He lunged forward, a huge mind-syringe held firmly in his gloved claws, in which was a thick green liquid.
With reflexes like lightning, I slapped the mind-syringe away, shattering its plastic casing with the back of my claw and causing the liquid to go everywhere. One smell told me exactly what it was. Liquified sauerkraut. No doubt I'd have a very bad day if any of that got into my blood stream.
hoping to catch him before he had time to react, I swung a claw forward, aiming for his jugular. He reacted nearly instantly, though, moving back with an unholy speed only obtainable by those who had truly mastered their bodies or those who took supplemental vitamins every day. I decided it was likely the latter.
I backed up slightly, getting into a combat stance with my claws balled into fists, as I directed a glare at him. "I wasn't aware you were a vitamin specialist."
Kevin gave me a sinister smirk. "How do you think I became a doctor? I trained under Dr. Mario in the way of the pill. I graduated at the top of my class. My thesis was about a thousand ways to kill someone with nothing but vitamin-C." So the cat was out of the bag. Clearly I wasn't facing amateurs.
I gave him a single nod. "Finally, a worthy adversary. A shame I have to end your life."
"We'll see who's ending who." With that said he jumped in the air doing a double backflip as a pair of huge blue and yellow mind-pills flew out of his arms. I dodged to the side as the pills smashed into the ground. But these weren't your grandma's supplements. Suddenly, the holes the pills had created burst open as a pair of massive tapeworms slithered out, each one easily reaching thirty feet long.
They were so gross as they writhed around. "Try my diet pills." taunted Kevin. "And by 'diet pills', I of course mean 'tape worm eggs'."
"Your days of infecting unaware citizens with parasitic worms are over!" I yelled back, jumping at the disgusting worms with a deep hatred developed over centuries of having tape worms living inside of me. The closest of the abominations let out an ungodly shriek as it lunged at me, intent on sinking its barbed fangs into my succulent flesh. I simply backhanded its face away before biting it in half. "How do you like it?" I asked, happy to deliver such poetic justice.
The second worm watched as I dismantled its companion. Its eyeless face taking note of my every move in a way only a seasoned hunter can. "You may have defeated my imbecile of a counterpart, but you'll find that I am a much stronger foe." It taunted as it began using its demonic magic to open a rift into the chaos dimension.
I simply ran up and sliced it into tiny bits with my sword, affectively shutting the horrible thing up. I then turned to Kevin, who was now wielding a mind-bone saw that was ironically carved from actual bones. "I hope you didn't like being alive," he taunted, "because you're about to not be that anymore."
"Talk is cheep." I told him, interested in nothing more than getting back to the fight at hand. "Come at me!" And come at me he did. He jumped forward, his perfectly vitamined muscles allowing him to move faster than a rocket kitten. Unfortunately for him, I'm fast too. I jumped forward as well, meeting his blade with my own. The two weapons met with a loud 'clang', sending sparks flying. I pulled back and delivered several more jabs and thrusts, hoping to penetrate him with my long hard object. He managed to parry every one, though, and was even able to get a few slices of his own in.
It was quite clear that this was a master swordsman. Eventually our blades met again, this time neither of us pulled back as we each vied for dominance. "You know." He grunted out as he pushed the blade with all his might. "After I kill you, Gorlok 12 is going to pee in your skull."
His taunts fell on deaf ears, though, as I was focused on winning this fight. The fate of the entire... My life was at stake here. I wasn't about to lose to some two-bit combat medic. I had so much to live for. Like sex. With my newfound resolve, I managed to push forward, letting out a war cry as my strength slowly won out. Then, suddenly, his mind-saw gave out under the huge amount of pressure, snapping in half as my blade continued onward. And just like that it was all over.
Kevin stood gasping as I held my blade to the side, having cleanly sliced straight through his chest. "I... I thought I would have more time..." He managed. "There was so much I wanted to do... It wasn't supposed to end like this..." With that said, he split in half.
I was given no reprieve after my victory as a whole group of lobster men charged me this time. One spewed mind ketchup from his mouth, but this was stopped as I slammed a foot through his head. Another tried skewering me with a giant fork, only for me to slice his arms off and kick him into the way of his friend's flame thrower which incinerated him on contact.
I jumped over the flames, landing on the lobster man's head and doing a little jig. His neck snapped under the weight of my massive ego, bolstering my kill-death ratio even more. I was on a role now and I was able to quickly slaughter the rest of that group before hank rode at me on the back of a mind-motorcycle, his mind-leather jacket billowing in the breeze. As he passed, he attempted to swiped my legs out with a thick mind pipe, but I managed to jump over it.
He fish tailed, doing a complete 180 and kicking up a cloud of dust, once again facing me. "I'm capital COOL and aint no raptor gonna stand in my way."
"We'll see how cool you are when you're a corpse." I shot back.
"I'll still be cool." He said as he flicked the remains of his burnt out cigarette onto the ground without caring even a little bit about the laws against littering. He's too damn cool to care about the police. He then revved his wheels, kicking up a fresh cloud of dust before once again driving at me. I decided to meet his charge head on and I ran up, sending my economic energon infused fist directly into the motorcycle's front tire.
The sudden stop launched Hank out of his seat and into the air where he sailed directly over my head. This was exactly where I wanted him. "SHURYUKEN!" I yelled as I upper cut him directly in the chest with my power fist, launching him into the upper atmosphere where he instantly froze. What an ironic way for him to go.
I turned my head as the telltale sound of a minigun spinning up penetrated my ear holes. Sure enough, Shizbo the exterminator, who's muscles were somehow even larger than the last time he was mentioned, was standing not thrity feet away. One arm had morphed into a spinning six-barreled chain gun that was pointed right at me.
Without even spouting any witty puns or one-liners, he began firing, letting loose an ungodly torrent as thousands of rounds per minute exited the weapon. I certainly wasn't about to let that thing literally fill me with led, and I ducked slightly while moving to the side, managing to avoid the initial shots. Unfortunately, a little dodging wasn't going to save me this time, as he simply followed me with his arm, attempting to cleave me into tiny, bite-sized pieces with the sheer volume of bullets he was spewing out.
With that said, it was time for some mega dodging. The kind which only someone with as much skill and agility as myself could ever hope to do. I jumped around the street like an acrobat from cirque du soleil on steroids, doing cart wheels and flips like nobody's business. The bullets whizzed by me constantly, punching holes in the street and any objects that got in their way.
I knew I couldn't hope to win a fight by simply dodging forever, so I hatched a plan. A devilishly good plan. Not really, just a mediocre plan the likes of which I had already used before. Without even stopping for a second, I formed an economy circular saw in my claw. It worked so well last time, why not try it again?
With that mentality, I did a flip over a torrent of bullets while simultaneously chucking my weapon at Shizbo. The saw hit him directly in the chest, but failed to pierce further than about an inch into his thick, muscular chest plate. He looked down and smirked at my failed attack.
"Your economy is weak. I'm tired of playing games, let me show you why they call me 'the exterminator'." He stopped firing for a moment as he raised his arms to the sky and let out a primal shout that shook the very foundations of Canterlot. Suddenly he was enveloped in red mist as his mind powers went to work. As quickly as the mist appeared, it was gone, revealing Shizbo's new form. Where his legs used to be was now a full sized rhino, and it looked angry. It was colored a lime green and toted a pair of muscular arms on its sides, each wielding a battle axe. Shizbo's torso and upper body extended from where the rhino's shoulders would be, and he looked even angrier than the rhino did. He let out another battle cry as the rhino charged forward, both axes held up and ready to strike.
But he made a fatal mistake. Deciding to charge me... I ran forward, ready to meet his charge with one of my own. Now it was time to show them why I'm the most superior sex raptor in existence. As he got close, both axes swung inward, looking to sandwich me between the two blades. Of course, this left him open, as I simply ducked under the blades, now on the side of the rhino as it charged past me.
With the grace of a swan, I summoned forth a banana made from purest economy. Its outer shell shimmered with angelic blue light as I peeled it away so fast that i created a sonic boom. Then, before Shizbo had even passed, I tossed the banana peel onto the ground, right in his path. he didn't even have time to yell in shock as his rhino foot came into contact with the banana peel. He instantly exploded, sending a gout of flame and gore into the air, painting the sky with plumes.
It was very beautiful, and I would have been able to enjoy it, but I had a fight to fight. The lobster's numbers were noticeably dwindling. Already, almost half their forces had been bested by me. They didn't feel fear, though. The only emotions lobsters feel is hate and other similar things.
I was once again surprised as the lobsters deviated from their tactics. Instead of blindly sending more of their kind at me in small groups, they were all huddled up as the combined group began casting some kind of horrible mind witchcraft. I wasn't about to let them do that, though. I would stop them before they managed to do anything!
That line of thinking didn't last long, however, as I was attack from each flank. The lobsters were tricky ones, I'll give them that. I moved away just in time to avoid the largest water molecule I had even seen as it impacted the pavement where I was previously standing. I looked up to see both Arnold and Tommy, ready to tag team the shit out of me. Arnold was currently holding an assortment of large mind molecules of hydrogen, nitrogen, and oxygen, all of which were bonded in pairs. While Tommy was clutching a spent uranium fuel rod as though it was a baseball bat.
Before I could even say anything about how irresponsible that was, Arnold tossed an O2 molecule to Tommy, which he batted with the accuracy of a professional baseball player. I was once again forced to dodge as the O2 molecule flew by. I barely had time to react before an N2 molecule slammed into the pavement next to my feet, bouncing up and hitting me in the shin.
I bit my lip, managing to restrain the string of curses that were about to erupt from my mouth-hole. It was worse than accidently kicking a coffee table when you're trying to walk through a dark room... With my currently immobilized state, I had little hope of dodging their next attack, and they took full advantage of it. Tommy tossed aside his uranium fuel rod, instead opting for a potted mind cactus which he pointed at me.
I was confused for a moment, until the cactus suddenly extended itself like some kind of snake. Its newly acquire mass shot forward, smacking me directly across the face. The tiny spikes did little to my hard raptor scales, but it was still annoying. At the same time, Arnold moved around to my right as I was distracted by the cactus, and summoned a super soaker full of honey which he used to douse me in the sticky, yellow substance.
I slapped the cactus away, giving it a taste of its own medicine, as I turned a disapproving look at Arnold. Covering someone is honey, or any sticky substance, without their approval is just straight rude and I wasn't particularly happy about that. Unfortunately, my anger was replaced by fear. An emotion I said earlier in the chapter that I don't have. I lied.
Arnold had summoned a mind Winnie the Pooh bear. It wore a red T-shirt which was clearly symbolic for the blood thirst of the tiny yellow bear. Thankfully, Winnie the Pooh only eats honey...
I looked down, now realizing for the first time the severity of the situation as I'm literally covered in honey. I looked up to catch the hungry stare of Pooh as he licked his chops, briefly showing off the row of gleaming fangs hidden in his maw.
If there was a face to death, this was it. I was staring down what could possibly be the most malicious and deadly creature in existence, and it was staring back. I could feel the pure murderous hatred resonating off its very being as its tiny, black eyes bore into my soul. Surely I was done for. Surely this is the end of the great Paul. The most awesome-tastic sex raptor to ever exist.
"Shoot it with your syringe gun you retard!" Shouted the Economy with its infinite wisdom. Without really thinking, I complied, reaching down and pulling the syringe pistol off my belt and leveling it at the horrid beast before me.
With a pull of the trigger it was all over. Winnie the Pooh was no more. No longer would he haunt the realm of mortals. No longer would the scourge of all that is good desecrate the very essence of life. He was now a lifeless corpse, filled to the brim with neurotoxin. None would cry, for no one mourns the death of a monster.
I looked back to Arnold who was now trembling, clearly unable to easily accept that I had defeated Winnie the Pooh in honorable combat. He never got the chance to cope, as I aimed my gun at him and filled him with syringes. I turned to finish off Tommy as well, only to find that he was gone. He clearly fled as soon as I did the impossible. His death will come soon enough... No lobster can run from me...
Now feeling even more confident in how the fight was going, I turned back to the group of lobster men, ready to face my next challenger. My jaw dropped at what I saw. Where the group of lobster men were, now stood a huge lobster man forged from the bodies of dozens of normal lobster men. At the center of it all was Kyle, looking as smug as ever as though my past victories meant nothing.
"Took you long enough. I half expected you to be defeated." He said in a mocking tone.
"Me, be defeated? Clearly you don't know me as well as you seem to believe."
"I know you inside and out," explained Kyle in his dumb voice, "I've watched all your pornos."
"Impossible! I have more pornos than you could possibly watch in three life-times!"
His face stretched into a smug smile, one which I would take great pleasure in punching in the near future. "I'm four life-times old!" That's pretty old I guess. Then again, I'm like 15 million years-old, so yeah...
"That's cool I guess. I'm still going to kill you though."
"You keep saying that, yet here I remain, thoroughly un-killed."
"We'll see how un-killed you are when I kill you." I shot back.
"Indeed we will." Now that the 'witty' banter was over, it was time to engage in epic combat. Combat I would no doubt win. With my syringe pistol already in hand, I simply leveled it at the huge conglomeration of lobster men and opened fire.
Unfortunately, it looked like my victory would not come so easily as the syringes simply bounced harmlessly off some sort of mind-forcefield. Even more unfortunate is that the lobster men didn't seem too keen on simply letting me attack them without counterattacking. With the speed of multiple lobster men fused together, the huge abomination swung its arm out, multiple tendrils of mind-energon stretching from the tip like elongated fingers, whacking the pistol out of my grip. No matter, the pistol would clearly be useless for this fight anyway.
Without even giving me time to blink, the lobster monster jumped forward. I instantly rolled backward, avoiding its huge legs as it landed on the cobblestone, creating huge cracks as it landed. I finished my roll and stood back up only to find the huge thing already recovered from its landing and swinging a leg at me. My eyes widened as it was clear I wouldn't have time to move out of the way.
Within a fraction of a second, the thing's lobster foot impacted the bottom of my jaw with enough force to push me into the air. I landed on my back a few feet away, slightly dazed from the sudden force applied to my head. I looked up to see the mass of lobster men standing above me with Kyle at the center wearing the smuggest look I have ever seen. I could literally feel the smugness radiating off of him. I could taste it as it wafted through the air, and it tasted gross. It raised its leg up, intent on ramming it into my stomach.
I wasn't about to let that happen, though. The pure amount of smugness coming from Kyle was infuriating. It made me want to walk into an orphanage, cover all the children in gasoline, then light them on fire. I wanted nothing more than to wipe that dumb look off his face. For the first time in as long as I could remember, I was genuinely angry.
He brought his foot down hard, trying to crush my vital organs against the ground, but I was prepared. I channeled my economic energon into my arms, giving them the strength of at least three arms tied together, and I caught his foot mid stomp. Without giving him time to pull back, I twisted the foot, knocking the huge thing off balance and it tumbled to the ground. I took this opportunity to jump back up, already shaping my energon for a follow up.
Once again I had underestimated the lobster's speed, though, and it was already back up on its feet charging its own attack. I preemptively jumped to the side, avoiding a powerful mind-laser as it burnt through entire buildings behind me. I them jumped forward, attempting to take advantage of its miss by counterattacking. As I got close I brought my fists to bear, ready to punch the shit out of Kyle's smug face. It wasn't meant to be, though, as its thick arms each split into the three long, thin arms that ending in claws. With its many arms it was able to block my flurry of punches with little difficulty and even return some of its own, striking me a few times in various places.
I jumped away, seeing that a punchathon wouldn't work out well for me in the long run, and briefly pondered how to continue with this fight. Sadly, Kyle didn't seem too intent on giving me time to think as his six arms all started spewing out mind-lasers at an alarming rate. With the huge mass of lobster men powering them, the lobster monster was able to power up its attacks nearly instantly.
I had to dodge around some more as the lasers flew all around me, burning through the chunks of debris that littered the immediate area. Of course, lobster men are rather tricky, and he quickly transitioned from using simply mind-lasers to firing a group of half-butterfly half-honey-badgers at me.
They flew through the air gracefully in a 'V' formation with the pairs of black and orange monarch butterfly wings on their backs, spreading sparkles in their wake. They would have looked majestic, but the angry, snarling faces of the badgers revealed that they were far from friendly. Once they got close, they broke formation, banking off to each side as the three in front continued towards me.
I knew how vicious and deadly honey badgers were, and I can only imagine they are doubly so when mixed with butterflies, so I wasn't about to take any chances. I once again summoned the economy's energon to me before forcing it out of my claws in a gout of blue flames. The lead badgers were unable to dodge my attack and they went up in flames, the thin membrane of their wings instantly melting under the intense heat. However, there were still the other two groups that were now trying to flank me on each side.
I turned to the right, letting loose another gout of flame and destroying another third of the creatures in the process. Turning around, I was about to do the same to the rest of their numbers when they began to attack. Now close, they flapped their wings harder, intent on closing the gap to me and sinking their fangs into my flesh. The lead one was already only a few feet from me.
Seeing that my flames would be ineffective at this range, I simply resorted to my primary weapons. That is to say, my fists. I punched out at the nearest badger, but with a mighty flap of its wings it dodged to the side. The badgers once again surprised me as they each opened their mouths and a long proboscis unrolled like some ungodly fruit roll-up, the ends were tipped with sharp barbs that dripped with the blood of their latest kill.
With the coordination of an olympic synchronized swimming team, their proboscises all shot forward at once with the intention of skewering me. I took one step back, narrowly avoiding the attack as the badgers flew closer. Now this was just getting frustrating. Is nothing ever easy?
I breathed out an annoyed sigh as I once again shot out a torrent of economy flames, burning everything in the immediate area. I turned back to the lobster abomination, ready to slap the shit out of that thing for putting me through so much work. However, it wasn't where I had expected it to be. Looking around, I couldn't see it anywhere.
I briefly wondered if it had perhaps dissipated into the air or something while I wasn't looking, when I felt a slight rumbling from beneath me as P-wave and L-waves shook the ground I was on. In a moment of confusion, I looked down, just in time to catch sight of a lobster claw bursting from the ground and smacking me right in the nuts.
Thankfully I have a scaled sheath protecting them, but that still hurt like a bitch. Sadly, I wasn't given time to writhe on the ground in pain as the other five lobster claws shot up from all around, grabbing onto my arms, legs and tail. I tried to pull away, but the lobster thing had a tight grip with its claws and its strength was clearly being augmented by its massive mind powers. It lifted me up off the ground as the rest of the thing crawled up from the hole it made.
Once again, I was met with the smug look of Kyle. "Gotcha!" He said.
Honestly, I don't think I have ever been this mad. Something about his face just pissed me off. I just had to destroy it. All I could think about was how much I hated him. Then, in a moment of clarity, it all became apparent to me. Clearly his face was resonating mind-energon to make it look extremely annoying. After all, I had never gotten this angry at something like that before. Clearly his strategy was to piss me off so I couldn't think straight so he could outsmart me, and it had worked.
Of course, now that I saw through his ploy, I gave a smirk of my own, mentally putting up a thin economic energon barrier to block out his anger-inducing mind-powers. For the first time the whole fight, his smug look twisted into one of confusion.
"What?! But, how are you not angry?!" He cried out.
I smirked even harder, bringing my smirk to a legendary caliber never before witnessed by mere mortals, as I answered him. "I'm the biggest troll in the universe, bitch. You can't make me angry!"
He visibly recoiled, as though my smirk was hurting him with its intensity and he had to put his free claw up to shield his eyes from its magnificence. This was all the opening I needed to finish him off. I took a deep breathe, feeling the power of the economy as it flowed into my lungs, before exhaling it all in a mighty laser. The combined mass of lobster men screamed as the laser singed flesh from carapace, easily piercing the mind-shields they had tried erecting at the last moment.
Within seconds my laser had fizzled out, but the damage was already done. The lobster monster dropped me as it fell to the ground, and I was finally able to inspect the damages. The laser had left a massive hole in its center, nearly cleaving its entire body in half, and even the parts that hadn't been directly hit by the laser looked burnt and melted. I stepped forward as the lobster men creating the abomination fell apart, drowning in pools of their own boiled blood. At the center was Kyle, his legs and lower torso completely burnt off from their proximity with the laser.
He coughed up a glob of blood as I got close, fixing me with his big, stupid eyes. "Your victory here means nothing. Gorlok 12 is still gonna kick your shit."
I shrugged. Perhaps he would. But at least I'd die doing what I love. Fighting lobsters. "We'll see about that."
He didn't have anything else to say as his body went limp and his lifeless eyes stared up into space. I took a moment to admire my handiwork, satisfied with a job well done. Get it? Well done. You know, since I cooked all the lobster men at the end there...
Yeah, my jokes still suck.
"So I'm like 'rectum, damn near herpies!'," said Gorlok 12, finishing a long and insanely funny joke, the rest of which won't be featured in this story. All the nearby ponies instantly went into an uproar, laughing harder than they likely ever had in their whole lives. Gorlok 12 was just that funny.
After a few minutes, Celestia got herself under control, wiping a few tears from her mega-sized-pony-eyes. "Wow. Remind me to invite you to tea once the city gets cleaned up."
"Will do!" Said Gorlok 12, excited at the concept of participating in a tea party with a pretty princess pony. Then, his smile suddenly disappeared, being replaced by a deep scowl. The others instantly took notice of this.
Twilight, who was clutching his arm lovingly with her forelegs looked up into his eyes and asked the question all the ponies present were thinking. "What's wrong?"
He sighed, clearly not liking what was going on. "I feel a disturbance in the lobster force. Paul is nearby, and he's using his dark economic powers to do more evil. I need to stop him." None of the ponies in the area wanted Gorlok 12 to leave, but they knew this was something that he had to do and they each nodded at him, expressing their approval.
Gorlok 12 turned to Twilight Sparkle, sighing as he didn't like what he'd have to say. "I may not be coming back, Twilight."
She bit her bottom lip as her eyes began watering. "Don't say that. You'll beat Paul no problem. You gotta!" Gorlok 12 smiled at her, unwilling to tell her that Paul had already bested him multiple times before in combat, so he was likely screwed. "J-just... Be safe. Please."
He nodded, not knowing what else to say. Goodbyes were always the hardest. He stood up, edging his way towards the door, when he felt a sudden force from behind. He was suddenly turned around as Twilight grabbed him in her magic and flung herself into his arms. Before he could even say anything, Twilight pressed her lips firmly against his in the most passionate kiss of all time. It lasted several minutes, neither needing to break the kiss to breathe since ponies are amphibians and therefore they breathe through their skin, and Gorlok 12 has huge lungs.
Eventually though, their faces inched apart and they stared longingly into each others' eyes. "I love you," Twilight whispered. Her close proximity allowed Gorlok 12 to hear it just fine, though, and his heart soared.
"I love you too!" He told her back, not a hint of doubt in his voice. "I love you so much, in fact, I want to take you behind a middle school and get you pregnant."
Twilight blushed deeply, loving it when Gorlok 12 talked dirty to her. She knew he would do it, too. "I'll be waiting," she told him as she dropped out of his arms. He once again nodded to her, giving her one final look before heading out the door.
--
"Did you see how awesome I was there?" I asked Steve who was no longer hiding in the alley where I left him. "I was all like 'pew pew'! And they were like 'aghhh kabloom! You defeated us!'"
"Yeah, I saw the whole thing," he replied in a bored voice. I could tell he was just jell-us of my sweet moves, though, and so he acted like he wasn't impressed.
"Damn straight you did. Kinda hard to miss something THAT awesome. I bet you couldn't even look away if you tried." Unfortunately, my bragging and epeen jerking was interrupted as my nose was assaulted by a very particular smell. "You smell that?" I asked rhetorically.
"I can't smell anything. I'm a robot." Responded Steve, clearly not understanding that it was a rhetorical question.
I worked my muscular nostrils to their limits, smelling so much smell as I attempted to pinpoint that smell. It smelled familiar. A smell I've smelled before, but the memory of what that smelly smell was managed to elude me for a few moments. Of course, I got my answer as a particularly muscular lobster man came into view from behind a partially wrecked building. Now I knew what that smell was! It was Gorlok 12!!!
"YOU!" He called out, pointing one of his sharp claws at me.
"Me?" I asked, gesturing to myself.
"Yes, you. You're already dead!"
"If I'm already dead, then how am I alive?" I asked, being a smart ass as always. He responded with a big smile as he came closer.
"Hey Paul, it has been a while."
"Not really," I responded, "You tried to kill me like, what, two weeks ago?"
"Two weeks is a long time, especially when you have a dire urge to pee in a sex raptor skull."
"This again? What's with you and peeing in my skull?"
"You wouldn't understand. Your skull is just so enticing. I must urinate in it."
"Yeah... Unfortunately for you, I need my skull, so I'm not gonna let you urinate in or anywhere near it."
"No, it's unfortunate for you that you need your skull, 'cuz I'm about to piss all up in it."
"Yeah, whatever. We'll see who's peeing in who's skull soon enough."
He chuckled at that, reminding me why I hate lobster men so much. They're fucking annoying. "I won't lose this time. I have too much riding on my victory to fail. No, your reign of terror ends here. I won't let you ever harm a single one of these adorable little ponies again."
I spread my arms out in a 'come-at-me' gesture. "And what are you going to do to stop me?"
"I'm going to kill you." He then seemed to notice Steve standing by my side, "and who's your friend there?"
"Oh, this? This is Steve. He's my best friend. He used to be a fish, then he was an undead fish, then I built a robot pony body for him."
"Sounds like you guys have gone on a lot of adventures together."
"Yeah. Me and him have traveled all over this gay planet. We're inseparable him and I. I just don't know what I'd do if something happened to him."
"Is that so?" Asked Gorlok 12 as he sized Steve up. Then, without warning, he pointed his claw out, firing a bolt of red mind-lighting at me, or so I thought. I dodged to the side slightly, easily avoiding the poorly aimed projectile.
"Ha! You missed!" I taunted, sticking my tongue out and blowing a raspberry like the mature guy that I am.
"Did I?" He asked, gesturing to my side. I looked over and my eyes widened as I saw Steve lying on the ground, smoke riding from his body from where the lightning had struck him.
"STEVE!" I crouched down at his side, inspecting his body for damage. It didn't take long as it was easy to spot the massive burn mark where the lightning had connected. I gasped in horror at seeing such a grisly wound. This was the worst thing ever!
My attention was brought away from the wound as I heard Steve coughing. I looked up to see him still barely conscious, clinging to life. He continued coughing, ejecting several globs of blood from his mouth which was strange since he's a robot. "Steve! Stay with me buddy. It's gonna be all right. I'll use the power of the economy to fix you."
He continued coughing for a few moments before he managed to sputter out a response. "Listen carefully Paul. I'm dying. I don't have much time left in this world..."
"Don't give up! I can save you!" I told him as tears began streaming down my cheeks. "You're going to be fine."
"No. My time is up. I can feel it. I just want you to know, you're the best friend a robot undead fish unicorn could ask for... Take my hard drive. Make good use of it, okay?"
"Don't worry buddy, I will."
"And remember... Don't be a... Centipede..." His head suddenly dropped and his eyes slid closed. I put my ear-hole to his chest, but I couldn't hear a heart beat. Maybe because he doesn't have a heart, but more likely because he's dead.
Now all my friends were dead! This was the worst day ever! I looked up to the skies, knowing only one long, drawn-out word could express how I felt right now. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
I was drawn from my cries of denial as Gorlok 12 began snickering from where he was standing. I instantly fixed him with an angry glare. "You monster frisbee! What have you done?!"
"Lol, I killed your friend," he answered correctly.
"Well, I killed your friends!" I yelled back, remembering all the lobster men I had murdered just moments before.
He looked around, seemingly noticed the piles of lobster man corpses spread around the area for the first time. "Oh. I guess you did. Now I'm going to kill you twice as much." Like he could even kill me once as much to start with!
I stood up, dropping Steve's corpse to the ground as I focused my hateful stare at Gorlok 12. "Now I'm going to kill you. Once and for all."
He spread his arms out in a gesture that left his tummy exposed. "Bring it."
And so I brought it.
I pointed one arm out, feeling the power of the economy rushing through subspace and into my body in full force. The economy wasn't holding anything back, and neither would I. I let out a mighty roar as I began the fight by waving my hand forward, tossing a massive blue ball of economic energon up in the air. It arced down, managing to land right where he was standing. At least, where he was standing a second ago. He dodged away at the last second, moving with speed unmatched by any other lobster man, avoiding the ball as it connected with the street and exploded in a plume of blue flames and smoke.
Without even a seconds delay, I swung my arm once more, this time lobbing out a smaller version of the same attack. He easily dodged it again, and I noticed the red glow coming from his head and forming around his claws. No doubt he was charging up his first mind attack as he dodged around. I would have to change up my style if I wanted to beat him. It was unlikely that I could ever hit him with such an obvious attack as the economy balls I was using earlier.
I focused the energon into my claw tips, getting ready to strike at him at a moments notice, when he beat me to the punch. Suddenly his body glowed a brilliant red as he suddenly summoned a mind-velociraptor. It was big and red with hateful red eyes that glowed with mind-energon. He quickly jumped atop its back before creating a mind-lance and mind-shield.
This all happened within the coarse of less than a second, and before I knew what was happening, the mind-raptor jumped forward at mach 3 speeds with its curved talons raised, ready to pierce my flesh if given the opportunity. Not being one to back away from such a challenge, I jumped forward myself, spinning in mid-air as blue energon danced around me. Sadly the mind-raptor didn't stand a chance as I had far more experience with being a raptor than he did. When we collided in midair my spinning energon-charged foot made short work of him and he was reduced to a mass of scattered mind-energon almost instantly.
The same could not be said for Gorlok 12, though, as his mind-shield was able to block my spinning foot while he lashed out with his lance. It struck true, hitting me in the side and launching me away and into the rubble of a collapsed building. I stood up nearly instantly, brushing some dust off my chest as I immediately spotted Gorlok 12.
He was clearly charging yet another mind-power, and I wasn't too keen on letting that happen. I quickly focused the economy's raw power into a short ranged wormhole, pulling me in and spitting me out right behind Gorlok 12. I used the momentum from the portal to kick him in the back of the head, but my foot just passed straight through. I lost balance for a brief moment as I realized that what I kicked was actually just a well-made mind-hologram. Unfortunately, my loss of balance, even if it was only for a fraction of a second, was a big enough opening for him.
I looked up, seeing him standing just inches away from where I had emerged from the rubble, just in time to watch as he swung his claws around, ejecting a thick viscous liquid from the tips. It covered my legs before I could even hope to move away, leaving me stationary as it was too thick to easily move out of. I scanned it briefly with my metroid-tier scanning technology, noting that the substance was liquified spider silk mixed with glue, the stickiest substance ever.
With me snared and exposed, Gorlok 12 took a second to charge up his next attack. Suddenly his claws ignited in crimson flames before momentarily transforming into mini hadron colliders. No, not hadron colliders. Hadron shooters! They suddenly lit up as they fired a volley of hadrons at nearly the speed of light like buckshot, striking everything in my immediate area. I was unable to move away to dodge the attack, so I simply had to brace myself with a shield of economic energon and hope for the best. It was enough to keep me from getting completely torn apart, but I was still launched away by the force of the attack, knocking me into yet another collapsed building,
I was really getting tired of this shit... Gorlok 12 was one crafty bastard, and he would keep hitting me with mind-attacks all day if I didn't change up my strategy. I decided to transition into close range combat as I excel at that. Creating another wormhole, I teleported to Gorlok 12 once again using the momentum to kick at him. This time it wasn't a hologram, but he managed to block it all the same.
I instantly kicked out with my other leg, turning in mid air, but he simply moved back a step avoiding it entirely. With lightning speed I landed and pressed on my assault with a flurry of punches, kicks, and bites, all supplemented by economic energon, but he managed to block them all with his own energon-filled claws. We continued on like that for minutes on end without a single attack getting through on my side. Somehow, he seemed a lot better than the last time we fought. I know he leveled up and everything, but this is ridiculous.
As my mind was focused on questioning how he had gotten so good, I accidently blundered a punch. He easily parried it and seized his opening, jabbing me in the stomach with a mind-energon enhanced claw before smacking me across the face with his other claw. That shit hurt, and I was forced back as he came at me with more jabs. Thankfully I was able to get my shit together before I got hit anymore and I began blocking them. Now I was on the defensive, though. This fight really wasn't going too well for me so far.
I managed to block a few dozen attacks before I just decided to pull back by jumping away. Gorlok 12 stayed still, and we stared each other down. He was clearly winning so far, something I'm not very happy about.
"How do you not suck so bad suddenly?" I asked, still being as insulting as possible because I'm a little dick-ass.
He laughed at that for a moment as though it was a funny joke. "It's because I'm fighting for love," he stated as though that made sense.
"Dude, I'm a sex raptor, I make love all the time."
He shook his head in disappointment. "You don't seem to understand. That's not the same thing. No, my heart gives me strength. I will not lose, for losing means losing the love of my life, and I'll never let that happen. I'm going to get her pregnant and everything."
Suddenly, there was a clopping sound a s a group of familiar ponies emerged from the rubble. I knew all of them! There was Pinkie Pie, and Twalit Sparkle, and Rarirar, and the orange one, and the bitchy rainbow one that I hardly talked to, and the yellow one. And they were all glaring at me as though I was the cause of all their problems. All except Rarirar, of course, as she was in a wheel chair and still mostly brain dead. At least she could count to potato...
Twilight stepped forward, and I was immensely confused. Didn't she turn out to actually be queen Hentai or some stupid shit like that? She only confused me more when she shared a tear-filled look with Gorlok 12. Her lip quivered for a moment as she tried to hold back the flood gates that are her eyes. "I love you too, Gorlok 12. Now that I know how strong your feelings are, I want to get married."
Now I was extremely confused. Gorlok 12 was in love with Twilight? But... What? WHAT?! What's even going on in my life?
Gorlok 12 smiled happily back at Twilight. "I do! But first we have to destroy Paul."
Now all of them were glaring at me again. What is this shit?
"You're gonna pay for eatin' mah pigs, vandalizin' mah barn, an' disrepsectin' mah whole town and family bub," stated the orange one as though I was afraid of her. I can't even remember her name. That's how much I don't care.
"You murdered Zecora and like a hundred other ponies. That's totally not cool," yelled out the rainbow one. Does she not realize that it's technically not murder since I'm not a pony?
"Po-ta-toes," squealed Rarirar as she jigged around in the confines of her wheelchair.
"What she means is: You will pay for ruining Canterlot you ruffian," explained Pinkie Pie in her best Rarirar impression.
"I'm pretty confused, but my friends as well as Gorly-poo filled me in on almost everything, and you'll pay for what you've done, monster!" Yelled out Twilight. 'Gorly-poo'? What the actual fuck-balls?
I sighed. I could ask for an explanation, but quite frankly I just don't care. I'm sure whatever shit story they gave me would just be unbearably stupid, so I just didn't even bother asking. Instead I smiled my smug smile. "Do your worst," I said cockily.
All the ponies and Gorlok 12 shared a look, as though participating in some hidden inside joke. Then they all turned back to me and smiled. "Well, if you insist," said Twilight as she levitated a bunch of necklaces and a tiara over, equipping them to herself and her friends. Apparently they're going to kill me with jewelry. I guess death by necklaces isn't the worst death...
Then they all suddenly began glowing and floating into the air. That was new. I didn't know the wing-less ponies could float like that. "Behold the wrath of the elements of harmony, monster!" They yelled in unison. Suddenly they lit up even brighter and a rainbow colored laser shot up into the air from them. I followed it up with my eyes, craning my neck to watch as it flew up and arced in the sky. I'm not sure what exactly was going on, but at least the special effects are good. Rainbows are my favorite color of lasers.
I didn't even think that it could have been some kind of super pony attack until the laser finished its arc and started falling towards earth, and more importantly, towards me. By the time I considered dodging, it was already too late. The laser came down nearly instantly, filling my view with a bright rainbow of light.
I felt lighter and all fuzzy, like something was tickling me all over. It felt so weird... Was this the end? Killed by rainbow pony lasers? How embarrassing. I thought back to all my friends that I had lost... Dance Blaster... Stephen... Sprinkles... Demonic Conch... Well, technically he was never alive, and he also never died, so never mind... And most importantly, Steve... He was my best friend in the world, and now he's dead...
Then suddenly the rainbow light cleared, and I was surprised to find that I hadn't been incinerated or anything. I looked at the ponies to see them floating back down to the ground and shaking their heads clear. They all looked back up and gasped as they saw me, perfectly fine. Was the rainbow laser supposed to hurt?
I looked over to gauge Gorlok 12's reaction, but I couldn't find him. I was slightly confused until I saw a smoldering pile of ash where he was previously standing. Oh... The ponies seemed to notice it too, and they all began screaming and crying, especially Twilight.
I just stood there awkwardly for a few minutes as they did their thing, until finally Twilight turned to glare at me as though this was all my fault or something. "This is all your fault!" She cried out. "The elements of harmony were supposed to destroy you, not Gorlok 12! They're supposed to destroy evil like you!" After her outburst she went back to sobbing, being comforted by her friends.
I just shrugged. "I've been saying it the whole time. I'm the good guy here." Well then, Gorlok 12 and the rest of the lobster men were dead, all the invading armies were dead, all my friends were dead... Shit.
I walked back over to Steve's corpse, pulling his head open to retrieve his hard drive. I guess my adventure here is over than. I just have one last thing to do...
An end, finally
A week had passed, and things had... Well, nothing had really gone back to normal. Everything was still fucked up. The capitol was destroyed, thousands of ponies were dead, and the mental scars would live on for decades. With Gorlok 12, and really every notable enemy, now thoroughly killed I was uncontested.
All the surviving ponies had traveled to Manehattan as it was the closest city that could hold that many refuges. Ponyville was pretty messed up, so they couldn't stay there for the time being. They all hated me and blamed me for what happened as though everything was my fault. Can you believe that? Either way, they couldn't really do anything about me hanging around except direct hateful looks in my direction. Thankfully, I'm immune to hate.
Celestia was pretty upset as her sister and castle staff, as well as hundreds of her little ponies, were killed when the palace was attacked (and nearly leveled). Still, she owed me a favor, and I wasn't going to leave until I got it. It was the only way for me to properly honor Steve's death.
After a lot of prodding and the promise that I'd leave afterwards she agreed, summoning the city's population to the town square. There I had set up a huge projector where everyone could see. Thousands of ponies were in attendance, eager to see what Celestia wanted. No doubt they were expecting an update on the current state of things, and perhaps some good news. Instead, Celestia introduced me and the stage was all mine.
I smiled a huge toothy grin as I turned on the projector, playing a movie for all the ponies. They all gasped in shock before covering the younglings' eyes. Meanwhile I was snickering like mad. Thankfully I had been able to save Steve's hard drive, and he'd recorded Celestia and I having sex. Now all the ponies could see what we had done.
Sadly, it only went on for a matter of moments before Celestia snapped out of her shock and shot a fireball at the huge screen, lighting it on fire. Then she looked at me with unfathomable rage in her eyes. I knew it was about time for me to leave. I turned and walked off with Celestia glaring after me.
I passed Twilight and her friends on the way out of the city. They were still staring towards the screen in horror. The ponies would likely never be able to look at Celestia the same way again after that... But than I noticed something different about Twilight. She smelled different, and I could see a slight bulge to her belly, only noticeable because of my amazing sex raptor eyes. I switched to my x-ray vision that I had the whole time, and saw something shocking.
She was pregnant! The baby didn't look normal, though. It looked like it was part lobster if the claws and tail were any indication. I was somewhat shocked to see this. Apparently Gorlok 12 HAD managed to get her pregnant. I don't know what the hell was up with the two of them, but apparently they had had sex at some point . I briefly considered murdering the abomination offspring of my nemesis, but I decided against it. I'd already killed him... I'd already won.
Believe it or not, but I actually do have a bit of a conscience. Perhaps I did feel a bit bad that everything happened. Sure I don't think it was my fault, but perhaps I could have prevented it if I had acted differently. Then again, I try not to dwell on the past. Hind sight is 20:20, after all.
I turned away from Twilight. I'd leave her to find out on her own... Perhaps maybe the lobster/pony spawn would even grow up and try to kill me. That thought put a smile on my raptor lips. After all, I always need an enemy. Otherwise I'm just a super cool, super powerful sex raptor doing nothing.
With that thought I walked on out of the city and towards a parked lobster ship. Sure I didn't like using lobster technology, even if I had stolen it, but it beat the alternative of spending months building a new ship. I'm far too lazy for that shit.
Getting in the ship, I flew off into space, leaving Pony world and the ponies behind, hopefully forever.
Hello, friends. Ethesto here.
Wow, I finally finished this massive shit-hole of a story. Don't get me wrong, I think it's funny and I enjoyed typing a lot of it... but damn... It's like 160k words long. That's long, okay?! I almost wish I had directed all that effort to writing stuff that people actually read, but whatever.
I just want to thank you for actually reading this. I also want to insult you. If it weren't for you guys reading this I'd never have felt compelled to spend a ton of time finishing it. FUCK YOU!
You know, I started writing this over 14 months ago. It just seems weird that I've been here for that long. I started writing this originally because I knew I was bad at writing and I wanted practice. I'd like to think I've gotten better...
Anyway, if you liked this and actually read through it all and want to read more cool stuff, just follow me. And if you've read through this whole thing, can you give it a 'like'? Then again, I'm not nearly as big of a like whore as I used to be so whatever. Do whatever you want.
I'm outa here guys!
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Paul has a perfectly rational fear of having his skin eaten off
Authors Note: I don't know why, but the only time I end up typing this is at 8 in the morning after I didn't sleep at night... That might explain why this is so bad.
Paul continued to stare at the clock for a few seconds. "I didn't even know they had clocks here." He said to himself looking crazier than ever. Give the guy a break, his best friend in the whole universe just died!
After thinking about the clock for a few moments he decided he'd better get going to Pinkie Pie's party that she was throwing for him. Supposedly it was in the middle of town. Although Paul had hardly seen any of the town, (since he had only ever walked between the library and the forest before) he knew he was at least smart enough to figure out where the town square is. With that he promptly left through the door as is the custom in most societies. After all, that's what doors are there for.
As soon as he walked outside he knew there was something wrong. Something was so so very wrong... There were ponies everywhere! Paul looked around and saw hundreds- neigh (hehe), thousands of ponies of all different colors. They've come for me! The little bastards have finally come for me! The others must have told someone that I was an alien and now they are here to dissect me and eat my flesh!
Paul started hyperventilating and lowered to the ground. He was dead for sure this time! NO! I'm not going to let these ponies eat my skin, not without a fight!!! With his newfound resolve Paul stood up tall with his fists up ready to battle a horde of ponies.
He stood there for a moment before he noticed that none of the ponies were interested in him. in fact, they were walking past him towards what he could only assume was the center of town. Well, they haven't tried to eat my beautiful skin yet, but why are they here then? Paul decided he would get more answers if he followed where they were walking to, so he did. That is, until he came to a giant crowd of ponies.
"Mother of God...." Said Paul as he pulled down his imaginary sunglasses. There were so many ponies...
Then, out of nowhere, Pinkie Pie popped out of the crowd. "There you are!" She then grabbed his claw with her hoof and started pulling him through the crowd.
"Well, my dad is a rock farmer an-".
"I was kidding about that one." Interrupted Paul. "Anyways, why is there an army of ponies assembled here? This town can't have more than like a thousand ponies living in it at most."
"They're here for the party of course!" Said Pinkie Pie ecstatically.
Paul stared at her for a second before asking, "Why are there so many ponies though?"
"I told you I was going to invite everypony, and nopony wants to miss out on a Pinkie Pie party!"
"Wait, so you literally invited every single pony?" Asked Paul skeptically.
"Well, everypony except Celestia. She's far too busy to come to a silly old party."
Meanwhile in Canterlot
Celestia wandered around her castle alone. There weren't even any guards around right now for some reason. Perhaps Luna let them have some time off. "Sister!" She called towards Luna's room, "Did you dismiss the guards?" There was no response so Celestia trotted over and opened the door to her sister's bedroom with a hoof. "Sister?"
But Luna was nowhere to be seen. That was strange, she didn't leave her room a lot because she had no friends ever since that moon incident. Now that she thought about it, maybe Luna was still mad about being trapped there alone with no air for a thousand years. "Naw, she wouldn't be mad about something silly like that." Celestia had a bad habit of talking to herself since she has no real friends or anyone to talk to.
Perhaps Luna went down to get some food. Thought Celestia, Yes, that must be where everypony is, getting food! Perhaps she could join them and find somepony to talk to, even if it was just her sister. When she got to the dining hall she was surprised to find nopony there. Not even the janitors or cooks. Now things were just strange, where could everypony have possibly gone?
She pushed her glasses up and continued searching the castle for any sign of her servants or sister. Yes, she wears glasses, Celesia's eye sight is awful from staring at the sun so much. She just normally wears contacts, except she lost one of them that morning so she was wearing the glasses until she got new contacts. No big deal, she wasn't planning on leaving the castle so no one important would see her with glasses. Well, she wasn't planning on it, until she had finished searching the entire castle. She hadn't found a single pony.
"Where did all the ponies go?!" Celestia asked herself somewhat worried. Perhaps there are ponies in town!
She then proceeded to go out into Canterlot where she was sure to find plenty of her subjects. What she found instead was a ghost town. Not a single pony was out on the streets and every store was closed. She searched around for a few minutes before laying down on the cobblestone street, "Where could they all have possibly gone?"
Am I the only pony left? She thought to herself, No... No nonono... I can't be all alone! I can't. Who will I rule over? Is there even any point to being alive if I'm not the princess anymore? What will I possibly do?! Then she realized that she still had her books. Her books would always love her! She then ran back to the castle and into the library. to see her beautiful books. Now she had all the time in the world to read them all.
She stumbled over to the closest bookcase and read some of the books' spines. "Collected works of Dickens. Collected works of George Bernard Shaw. Poems by Browning, Shelly, Keats!" She said as she passed by them. "Great dramas of the world! Books! Books! All the books I'll need, all the books, all the books I'll ever want!"
before long she had laid out piles of books that she would read. "February, march, april, may. This year, and the next year. And the year after, and the year after that, and the year after that!" She didn't even care that all of the ponies had vanished, she had her books to keep her company for all eternity!
She turned to pick up one of the books when her glasses slipped off her face and hit the hardwood floor. She could hardly even see anything now. She reached down for her glasses with a hoof only to find that the lenses had both shattered from the impact.
"That's not fair... That's not fair at all..." Said Celestia as she started to cry.
(In case you didn't get the reference, it's from Twilight Zone. )
Now back in Ponyville
"Literally EVERY single pony?" Asked Paul.
"Yeppers, I invited every single one." Responded Pinkie Pie excitedly.
"And how many ponies are there exactly?" Paul asked. He was starting to get scared, there could be billions of ponies!
Pinkie rubbed a hoof on her chin and looked deep in thought as she pondered that question. "Like, three-hundred thousand."
Paul was about to sigh in relief when he realized that that is still a huge amount. "And you invited ALL of them?" Asked Paul somewhat skeptical now.
"Well duh, they didn't invite themselves silly!"
"Alright, but how did you possibly invite that many ponies to this party? It's been like two days since you decided you were going to throw it to start with."
Pinkie leaned in really close and whispered in Paul's ear hole. "Magic!"
Paul just about slapped his face at that answer. He hated the concept of magic, of course he wouldn't be surprised if that's how she did it at this point. Besides, there were definitely thousands of ponies here, perhaps she had invited every single pony. "So where are we going?"
Pinkie grabbed his claw again and started pulling him through the sea on ponies. "Well to the stage of course! Where else would we go? I have to introduce you to everypony. This is YOUR party after all."
Paul just sighed, he had agreed to having a party so there was no worming his way out of this now. Hopefully my skin doesn't look too tasty in the stage's lighting. I don't want those ponies getting any ideas.
After pushing through the crowd for a few minutes they finally got to a big wooden stage that was seemingly built just for this occasion. It was covered in lights and speakers and it even looked like there was a table set up for a DJ. Pinkie pulled him up some small stairs built into the stage and over to a microphone. All of the ponies around stopped their conversations and turned to look at the pair on stage.
"Hey party ponies! Are you ready to get this thing started?" Pinkie yelled into the mic. She was met by a huge cheer from the crowd. "Alright, let me introduce to you, PAUL!" She then slid the mic across the stage somehow so it was now standing in front of him.
SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT! Yelled Paul in his head. he hadn't even though of what he would possibly say. Now there were at a hundred thousand ponies starring at him. After a few seconds Paul cleared his throat and finally decided to say something. "Umm, hey. I'm Paul. Ugh... I'm a sex raptor." He had no idea what to possibly say at this point. He looked out at the sea of ponies filling every available street and was met with blank stairs and a cough from some random pony in the audience. This was extremely awkward.
Then some pony out in the crowd got the bright idea to start chanting. "Speech! Speech! Speech!" Before long every pony joined in and started yelling for him to give a speech. He'd have to find out who had started that chant and hurt them later.
Paul was not prepared for this, not even a little! He couldn't give a speech, he didn't even know what to give a speech on. Maybe he could just quote the speech from 'Independence Day', No, that would never work, the ponies weren't even getting attacked by aliens.
Besides, I've already stolen lines from one thing this chapter...
Even with his hesitation, the chanting just grew louder. The ponies really wanted a speech at this point. Then Paul got a brilliant idea, perhaps he couldn't give a speech, but he could entertain them some other way. This plan was flawless. "Hey hey ponies! So ugh, I'm not very good with speeches and I didn't prepare anything. So how about I just tell you a funny story instead?" Paul didn't wait for a response from the crowd before he continued with his 'funny story'.
"So I was in the thick jungles of space south america armed with nothing but a machete and half a pack of chewing gum. I was also completely alone because the rest of my group had been devoured by thousands of mosquitos. Now I don't mind being alone most of the time, I'm kinda' a lone wolf, but when I heard a loud noise to my right I wished they were still there. It sounded somewhat reminiscent of a golden retriever trying to give birth to a full grown space African white rhino. I knew exactly what that sound was, it was the mating call of the male lobster scorpion. They are one of the most viscous creatures in all of space south america! Before I had time to run the thing burst out of the foliage a few feet away and locked its big black eyes on me. The thing looked pissed to say the least, it turns out I was on its land and it wasn't too happy about that. Apparently they mark their territory with urine much like white-crested grizzledons. Anyways, before I had time to think it slapped me across the face with one of its raptor head claws. So i was like 'Girrrrl. I know you dint' just slap me like dat!' as I waved a finger with all the sass of a teenage girl on sass day."
The story went on for several more minutes before Paul finally wrapped it up.
"Wait it gets better! When the patient woke up, his skeleton was missing and the doctor was never seen from again! Anyways, that's how I lost my medical license." Said Paul. The ponies clearly weren't impressed with his story and he was met with nothing but blank stares and the sound of a cricket somewhere. "Tuff crowd..." He said before handing the mic back to Pinkie.
She rolled her eyes before screaming, "It's party time!" As soon as she said that a white unicorn with a blue mane and cool purple sunglasses showed up and put a record on the DJ table. Suddenly there was music and all the ponies cheered and started dancing while Paul was led off stage by Pinkie.
"Cool story bro." Said Pinkie.
"I thought it was pretty good." Said Paul with a shrug.
Alright, i'll wrap the chapter up there. Lol if you didn't get the 'meet the medic ' quote than you should go watch it before you continue with your life.
I could have called this chapter a lot of things... But I liked that one.
Here's a picture that I drew of Robocop protecting a mouse from a lobster scorpion with his trusty combat knife...
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Paul and friends are physically capable of speech
Author's note: I don't know why I have such low self stream when it comes to my writing. Either way I have trouble not thinking that everything I write sucks. Makes it hard to get motivated enough to type a new chapter. Don't mind this, just me and my constant QQ'ing.
Luna, Celestia, and the elements of harmony were having a great time. At least Twilight was, the other elements weren't enjoying this much at all. They were all seated on some sofas in some random room in the castle staring at a huge flat screen TV that encompassed one wall. Twilight and the princesses were watching in joy and laughing to themselves while eating popcorn while the rest looked on in horror. They had never seen such gruesome acts committed in their worst nightmares, so witnessing them happening live was shocking to them. Surprisingly Twilight didn't seem phased by this even though she should be disgusted like her friends. The princesses were simply used to such things after being alive for so long. You don't stay in charge for well over a thousand years without getting your hooves dirty from time to time.
What were they watching? Just a direct feed from the camera in the omega spider's visor. They watched as the huge spider massacred an entire town of gryphons on its way to Paul. Thankfully the omega spider has some very innate senses. It could probably track down Paul on a whole nother continent. They continued watching as a new town came into view and the gryphon guards swooped down to stop the beast before it destroyed anything. Luna grabbed a freshly popped bag of popcorn out of the microwave and returned to the couch just in time to see the spider easily deal with the opposition.
"Woo the fun has been doubled!" Yelled Luna.
Celestia gave her a stern look. "Now sister, I don't mind that you keep repeating that catch phrase over and over again, but at least use it at times when it would make sense."
Luna sighed, they would never understand the joy she got from having her very own catchphrase.
(Ouch, my cat just scratched me across the finger. Now it hurts when I type! D:)
Instead of continuing the conversation the gathered ponies stared at the screen as the omega spider spotted something green in the distance and started charging towards it.
"Is that?" Celestia muttered to herself. As they got closer it was distinguishable as a reptile thing, which means Paul.
"It is!" Shouted Twilight happily. "Finally, he doesn't stand a chance against out killing machine!"
They all sat up and inched slightly closer to the television as the first missiles were fired. They couldn't wait to see the charred husk of Paul as soon as the smoke settled. There was instant disappointment as they noticed that Paul managed to dodge the attack, but no matter the spider still had the thing in its sights. They all thought that he was as good as dead by now, nothing could best the omega spider in honorable combat.
The fight went on a lot longer than expected. Really the ponies just expected the huge arachnid to shoot Paul a few times through the chest, suck out his vital goo, and return home with his hide. The princesses had talked of all the cool things they could make with his scales, like a new purse or socks. This was just dragging on, however, as Paul continued to dodge around. He even scored several attacks of his own, none of which did very much.
The ponies still had faith in the spider even after being hit a few times, and they cheered whenever it managed to hurt their hated enemy. No doubt Paul would tire soon while the spider seemed to have an infinite amount of stamina. Then Paul dodged to the side and disappeared from the spider's view. Suddenly the omega spider fell to the ground and started hissing while its vision went slightly fuzzy which confused the princesses.
"What is going on?!" Yelled Celestia. She was answered as Paul came into the spider's view and slowly plunged his weapon into the faceplate thus ending the video feed. They all stood their shocked for a few moments at what just happened. Nothing could possibly defeat the omega spider! It was a killing machine! And what's worse, now the spider will probably be reincarnated. The last thing they need right now is a huge spider running around.
"It looks like we underestimated him." Said Celestia after a few moments. She hated to admit it, but this raptor was good. And she wasn't completely angry that the game would go on, ponies were actually spending time with her for a change. "We'll just have to use our most powerful weapon on him."
This got strange looks from every pony present. "Uhm, princess. I thought THAT was our most powerful weapon."
"Well of course not, Applejack. Our most powerful weapon is the elements of harmony. Not even a spider can defeat the cold fury of true friendship! Twilight, get everything you need, you have an annoying dragon-thing to kill!"
Twilight saluted as best she could as she grew a wicked grin from ear to ear. Her friends were slightly put off by her recent behavior, it's like she's suddenly become a blood thirsty monster.
Their conversation was interrupted as a guard pony ran in and quickly saluted the princess. "Princess, we have a situation!"
Celestia turned to the stallion guard before her with irritation drawn on her face, what more could possibly be going wrong? "Well, report."
"Our scouts have found a large group of unidentified creatures massing in the Everfree forest." He then held some pictures up in one hoof for the princess to see. The creatures seemed to be tall two legged red things. "They are breeding very quickly. We've yet to come into contact with the creatures so we have no way of knowing if they are hostile, but at the rate they are reproducing we'll have to deal with them eventually."
Celestia thought about it for a few seconds. "Get me Captain OC pony, I'll discuss this with him."
Meanwhile, back at our friendly and always polite protagonist, Paul, things are going just swimmingly (hehe fish puns, because Steve used to be a fish!).
"WE'RE FUCKING LOST! WE HAVE NO IDEA WHERE WE ARE AT ALL!"
"I didn't think we had a destination to start with. Besides, all land looks the same to me." Steve reasoned.
"Well it would be nice to know where we are in relation to where we were. And what, are you saying that all water doesn't look the same to you?"
Steve seemed disturbed at the very idea that all areas underwater could look the same. "Of course not! Underwater looks vastly different wherever you go, how do you think fish find their way around in the ocean?"
"I was under the influence that fish just swim around randomly like a bunch of idiots."
"Well I have to say, Paul, I'm hurt that you would think something so racist."
"I don't think 'racist' is the word you're looking for. Perhaps try 'ignorant' or 'rude'."
"I know exactly what I wanted to say, you are a racist!"
I'm a lot of things, but not a racist. Ok, maybe a little. But come on, who isn't a little racist? "I will not stand here and be accused of such heinous things. I'm about as racist as your average hill billy religious zealot, which is to say very little." Hill billy religious zealots are known for being open minded and are happy to receive new ideas.
"Fine, than sit down."
"Hehe, maybe I will."
"Do it fagge!"
"What the hell is a 'fagge'?" I asked with a laugh.
"It's how I imagine a french person would say 'faggot'."
"Fair enough." I said as we continued walking. We were walking like this for a few hours and we didn't really know where we were. We could easily backtrack to the town because of the huge pillar of smoke rising up in the distance, but we agreed it would probably be better to not go back there. After fighting the spider we skiddadled out of there faster than a jelly fish in Ju-ly. Now the landscape was gradually turning into a forest again as appose to the steep slopes of the mountains that were only inhabited by bushes and the tears of dead gryphons. Lol, dead gryphons...
"Soooo." I started. I preferred our conversations to just walking silently. "How long do you think we'll have to walk before something interesting happens?" Almost as soon as I asked that I heard a high pitched whistling noise a little ways off. "Well that was sooner than expected, what do you think that is?"
Steve just shrugged his robot pony shoulders. "IDONO!" He said in one word. As the whistling got closer I began to look around a little until I saw a small object flying through the air a little ways up. It seemed to be propelling itself by expelling a stream of liquid behind it. Within a few seconds it flew up and landed on the ground a little ways in front of me.
"Greetings mortal!" Yep, you guessed it, it's demonic conch.
"You, know. I'm not a mortal. I'm like multiple millions of years old bro."
Steve and the conch seemed surprised at this. "Really?" "Really?" They both asked in unison.
"Yep."
"Well what about the other one, surely he's not immortal."
"Actually he is, he's a robot."
"Damn."
"Who the hell are you talking to?!" Asked Steve. Oh yeah, Steve probably can't hear the demonic conch in his head because he's a robot and things work that way.
"Oh, I'm talking to the conch. He speaks into my mind or something like that." Steve gave me a stare like he expected me to claim that I could count all the way to potato next. "I'm being serious."
"Ok, and where did this thing even come from?"
"Well according to him he's a lemon-aid demon lord trapped inside the body of a conch. I met him when I went to the elemental plane of unicorns."
"That's just stupid. Honestly, in the last week I've known you everything that has happened has been really weird." Huh, I didn't notice anything weird.
"Is what's been going on not considered normal? Honestly I don't even know any more." I looked to the conch to get his opinion.
"Don't look at me, I've been trapped in a horrible plane filled with nothing but unicorn-themed creatures for months. Compared to that everything seems normal."
I looked back at Steve. "See, he thinks it's normal."
Steve face hoofed which made a metallic 'clink'. "Honestly, I'm not going to judge what's normal based on the opinion of a conch demon. In fact, he's one of the least normal things here. For all I know you're just trolling me and he can't even talk."
"You hear that conch, he doesn't think you can talk!"
"I didn't say that!" Yelled Steve.
"You didn't say a lot of things!"
"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?!" Steve seemed more confused than angry even though he was starting to yell.
"Oh I don't know. You didn't tell me happy birthday! DID YOU FORGET ABOUT THAT TOO!?"
"What the hell?@! How was I supposed to know it was your birthday?"
"Well..." Come to think of it, when is my birthday? "I don't know. Maybe you could have asked."
"Fine, when is your birthday?" Damn him and his questions!
"Hell if I know, I haven't celebrated my birthday in... ever."
"Well that's just fantastic... Next you're going to get mad at me for not taking out the trash or something even though we're in the middle of a fucking mountain range!"
"You guys argue like an old married couple." You know, he has a point.
"Lol, why are we even arguing?" I asked with a chuckle.
"I don't know. I thought it was just because we're bored and have nowhere to go." Yeah, that's probably it.
"Nowhere to go you say?"
"Huh, do you know where we could go Mr. Conch sir?"
"I know a lot of things. One of them is somewhere we can go. I found a strange looking hidden vault while I was cruising over the forest a little ways off. I couldn't open it, though, because I lack hands and such."
"How could you have found something hidden while flying over the forest? It clearly wasn't hidden that well."
"I have demon senses... Don't question it fool!!!"
"Alright, good enough for me. New objective, find this vault!" I quickly picked up demonic conch and jumped onto Steve's back. "Hi-ho silver, and away!" I yelled as we flew up into the air with a rainbow trail behind us. It's funny because he's a silver pony.
That chapter was surprisingly easy to type. I find that typing conversations is pretty simple. Demonic conch joined the party! Things are sure to get waaaay more fun now. Who could possibly be in the forest? What's in the vault? No, it's nothing obvious.
