The Spirit Detectiveby Scarlet-NightChaptersCh 1: I'm going to kick your ass.Ch 2: Fuck my life.Ch 3: Introductions and answersCh 4: The DisplacedCh 1: I'm going to kick your ass.You know, being encased in stone for a thousand years is not the most comfortable thing in the world. You tend to get really pissed at the one who did it to you, and would gladly shove your foot down their throat. I'm talking about you Celestia. you are a major bitch, and you know it. Not to mention the annoying ass company you get from being turned to stone. You know you love it Put a sock in it Discord, or I swear I will crumble your statue to dust once I'm free from this stony prison. I swear that guy is a major pain in the ass. Is that children I hear? I swear I'm getting tired of all these visits from school kids. At least they are staying over by Discord. I don't want no snot nosed punk insulting my looks again. "Who is this strange lookin feller here" asked some kid with a bow in her hair, mane, whatever. Great here we go again. "Oh that is the statue of the Detective." her school teacher replied to her question with mirth. "It is said that he once caused some trouble many years ago, and was turned to stone by Celestia in order to protect her people." "He doesn't look that tough" Why you little orange colored piece of shit. You are so lucky I'm encased in stone right now, or I would so punt your ass. "Looks can be deceiving children. He may not look tough, but he was able to harness this strange type of energy. This energy was strong enough to hurt even Celestia." I'll just ignore the part about me not looking tough, and accept the compliment she just gave me. And now they walk away, great. Now its back to my myself and boredom again. how rude Discord said to me telepathically. Shut the fuck up! Well great, Discord gets freed but I don't. That's so not fare, but that's life I suppose. Its been about three hours since he left, and I now realize that he may have been the only thing keeping me not bored, because I sure as hell now feeling a bit lonely. Wait one sec, is that Discord I see being carried by guards back to his original resting place. Oh my god it is, and he is a statue again. Well that is funny as all hell. Shut up, I don't have to take this from you. Its not like you could do any better. Want to bet on it? I still have some magic left in me. If you want to test your luck I can use the last of it to set you free from your prison. Why can't you just use that magic on yourself? Because it would be more fun to see you royally screw your one chance at freedom up. Yeah right, Celestia is not going to get another chance to turn me to stone once I shove my foot up her ass. With that said I started to feel a little tingly from the magic Discord was using on me. I started feeling the stone that encased me start to fall off. It wasn't long till it fell completely off. I then stretched my arms into the air with my hands clenched into a fist, and took a deep breath to shout. "Celestia, I'm going to kick your ass." The two guards nearby didn't take liking to that so much, and armed themselves to attack me. One of them lunged at me with their spear. I side-stepped to the left of him dodging his spear. I then kicked him in the gut with all of my strength, sending him a few feet away. "Dumb ass, so who's next for a ass kicking." The second guard took a quick look at his comrade who just recently got kicked in the gut, and then back to me. He then charged me. I just stood still until he was a few feet away from me. I then jumped up into the air at him, and kicked him straight in the face. He was sent into the ground about five feet away. "Man it feels so good to be kicking ass again." I then let out a little chuckle of relief and went to exit the castle gardens. I thought that this castle would have a bit more peo- ponies in it, but it seems to be empty. "Dammit where is everyone." I continued walking through the halls of a seemliness empty castle, but luck seemed to have been on my side because I just spotted what appears to be a blue coated unicorn maid with a purple colored mane. I walked up behind said unicorn and asked. "Do you know where everyone is." "Everypony." she corrected me, which in turn made me a bit pissed at her. "And they are in the throne room celebrating the hero's who defeated Discord. She then turned around to see who I was. She was about to scream at the sight of me, but I knocked her out with a punch to the face in order not to lure any guards to my location. "Thank you very much ma'am." I was continuing to try and find Celestia, now with the useful information from that unicorn maid. It didn't help to much though, because this castle is so fucking big and I have no idea where I'm going. It took what seemed forever to find two huge doors guarded by two guards. "Hey! is that the throne room behind those doors." "What is it to you sir." asked one of them. "I have a bone to pick with a big white ass cunt. I think she goes by the name of Celestia." The guards just growled at my comment, and charged me. I dodged them by jumping out of there way. I then charged one them with my fist ready to strike. I then punched one guard so hard I sent him flying into the other guard knocking them both out cold. "Now if you excuse me I'll be on my way." I then walked up to the two huge doors the guards were guarding, and then proceeded to kick them open. Needless to say I got everyone's attention in the room. Which I might add was a shit ton of people. I saw standing just a few feet in front of the throne, about to put a medal on some lavender colored bitch was none other then the one who encased me in stone. "Hey Celestia I thought since you encased me in stone and all, that I should drop by and give you a present." I then grabbed the ring that this strange ass merchant gave me from my pocket, and then put it on my right hands index finger. I then pointed at Celestia with my hand in the gun pose. "Spirit Gun" Ch 2: Fuck my life."Spirit gun." A blue beam of energy shot out of my index finger, and was heading straight towards Celestia's face at high speeds. Everyone in the huge throne room stared at the blue beam of energy with their mouths agape, as it shot itself at their ruler. Just before it hit their ruler though, a box of what appeared to be from some sort of postal company dropped from the ceiling. My Spirit gun blew up upon hitting said box, and didn't hit its designated target. I looked up to see where the fuck this random box came from, only to be greeted by some derpy looking delivery pony with a grey coat, and a blond mane. "What The Fuck!" I was so close to showing that cunt a piece of my mind, only to have it stopped by some stupid ass looking pony. Seriously what the fuck. This dumb bitch must have been so clumsy that she dropped her deliver in the middle of the god damn throne room. What gives man. I then looked back at Celestia, and she did not look very pleased with the whole breaking in, and trying to shoot her thing. "Who dares to try to hurt me and my little ponies during such a grand event!" Celestia yelled at me from across the throne room. Damn she had some lungs on her. "Don't you remember solar bitch, you are the one who turned me to stone. How long ago was it again? Oh yeah, a thousand years!" She looked at me with an angry glare, but soon relaxed and flew over towards me. I went to charge her and hit her so hard in the mouth that she would never eat the same again, but this strange ass golden energy enveloped me. I couldn't move for some reason, no matter what I tried. "What gives!" I shouted at that bitch angrily. She landed next to me only about a foot away from my face, and scrunched her eyes; examining me. "wait one second, aren't you the one who took on twenty of my guards, and blew up three houses a thousand years ago." "Hey they attacked me first, I was just as confused as them upon seeing each other, but they thought it would be smart to up and assault me." I responded to her frustrated with her refusing to accept responsibility for encasing me in stone for no reason. "I never got your name?" she asked me. "My name is Yusuke Urameshi, and right now I want to shove my foot up your ass." "Well, its funny Yusuke. From what I heard a little filly was seen being hassled by some strange creature, before my guards even thought of assaulting you." she replied to me with a coy smile. "Hey she kept calling me weird, and wouldn't answer my question of where am I." I replied to her with a growl. "And that gives you the right to frighten her?" Solar bitch asked me with a eyebrow raised. "Your damn right it does!" I shouted back at her. "Well, it seems you have learned nothing from your time as a statue." Celestia then turned around and looked at six ponies infront of the throne. "I guess you're going to have to spend even more time in stone." That lavender colored bitch from earlier nodded her head and said. "Right princess." She then turned and looked at the other ponies next to her. "Girls, lets show this fiend what he deserves." I saw them glow with so much rainbow energy, it would make a gay guy blush. They levitated into the air, the necklaces--tiara in the lavender ones case-- were connected by a rainbow, which then flew up high into the air, and then headed straight towards me. Celestia moved out of the way, and released her grip on me. I only had time to flip her off with both my hands, before the rainbow crashed into me. I felt my body from the feet up being encased in stone once again, and saying I fucking hated it was a understatement. Well this sucks, I'm fucking stone again. Well at least the world knows now that I fucking hate it, because I am now permanently giving it the bird. I was carried by a few guards back to my spot next to discord again. Why the hell do I have to be next to this fool again, there is plenty of other places in this damn garden. I see someone did oh so very well in, what was it, oh yeah shoving their foot up Celestia's ass. I heard that damned fool inside my head mocking me. Shut the hell up! It's not like you fared any better. I heard him laughing inside my head. Did I ever tell you that I hate his laughter so much, because I do, I really do. I knew you would royally mess up, yet you didn't listen to me. Seriously you young-lings need to listen to your elders more often. He continued to mock me. Discord once both of us are out of this stony prison again, I'm going to punch you so hard. You hear me? I threatened him. It was silent from then on. I guess it's time to enjoy the scenery again, because I'm gonna be here a long time, again. I saw the Celestia make her way over to me and Discord's statue. She had a grin on her face as she did. she stood in front of us and said. "It's your lucky day boys. your going to be turned back to normal." Oh Celestia that is a very bad choice. You are basically asking me to kick your ass now. "Guards!" She shouted. "Yes your majesty." four guards come up to her and bowed their heads. "I need you to take these here statues, and load them into a chariot. We are going to be taking them to Ponyville for a little visit." Ponyville? that must be the stupidest name for a town I have ever heard. "Right away your majesty." Replied the guards before giving her a salute. We were then taken by said guards to a chariot, and loaded onto it. I seriously can't believe that she is going through with this. Well, it's not like I'm complaining. We landed just outside of Ponyville, and were then loaded off of the chariot, then placed onto the ground nearby. Celestia and a couple of guards were standing just in front of us waiting for something. It was a couple of minutes later before the six bitches who encased me in stone again were heading towards us. They are going to get it right after Celestia finally gets my shoe up her ass. They talked with their ruler for about a minute, before doing the whole routine they did before they encased me in stone again. The rainbow hit me and Discord, and we were soon free. "Oh! Ooh! Ooooh! Well, it's about time somepony got me ou-" I interrupted Discord's awakening speech, by giving him the punch I promised him. I channeled my energy to my fist before hitting him as hard as I could. He was sent flying into a nearby house. "I told you I was gonna punch your punk ass!" The group of ponies around me had their mouths agape in shock over me hitting Discord. I was then again in the grasp of Solar bitches energy, and was unable to move. "Oh for fucks sake, again. What Gives?" "You need to calm down, and stop attacking people for one second in your life." she told me. "You are probably wondering why you're being released from stone. Well let me tell you why." She pointed over to the group of ponies in front of me with her fore hoof. "You see them over there. Well lets just say that they are going to be teaching you some proper manners, and how to be a good citizen. I glared at the cunts in front of me. "There is no way I'm agreeing with this." "Or you could always return to being stone again." She looked at me with a grin on her face. Oh come on, with a choice like that I wonder why she is even asking. I just simply replied to her. "Fuck my life." Ch 3: Introductions and answersWell this sucks, first I was turned to stone for a thousand years, and now after returning to normal. I i'm being forced to learn how to be a good citizen. Here I thought my life couldn't get worse. Not to mention that the one who is going to be teaching me this crap, is none other then Solar bitches lap dog. If I wasn't at risk of turning into stone again, I would show this lavender cunt a piece of my mind. Right now we are inside her library, which to my surprise is completely made from a living tree. She said something about magic. or some crap like that. This would probably explain a good number of things, for example. How Celestia was able to keep me still with that strange, gold energy. Now that I think about it, I think I saw the same colored energy surrounding the horn on her head. Oh yeah, on top of the inhabitants being ponies. There seems to be different types of these ponies. Some have horns, which I would assume are unicorns. Some with wings, Pegasus I presume. Then there are unlucky bastards who have neither. Oh yeah, forgot to add that Solar bitch has both. I have no idea what to call her, a pegacorn. No that sounds stupid. Anyway, back to the task at hand. shortly after being released from stone I was introduced to the six ponies who encased me in stone for the second time. The second I walked up to them, this pink menace by the name Pinkie Pie I think. Tackled me and spat out a thousand words per minute. All I was able to pick up was something like. "Oh my gosh, I so can't wait to throw you a, no longer in stone party." She then proceeded to run off into the distance for who knows what. She is lucky she left, because I was about to shut her up. The orange coated one with the cowboy hat on by the name of Applejack, was the second to introduce their self to me. Oh my god she fit her name perfectly, and had the most annoying country accent ever, she wouldn't stop rambling on about how she worked on a apple farm. I swear I never heard of so many ways to make apples. Next was this dramatic bitch named Rarity, who said that they owned a fashion business. I didn't catch the name of it, because I was to busy blanking it out. She was one of those girls who were all materialistic, and those are by far the worse. I hate upper class culture, and they can all suck it. Oh, the next one Rainbow Dash was so full of herself. She said to me that I didn't scare her, and that I didn't look tough at all. I of course called her out on her dumbness, and then she tried to get up in my face. Lets just say that if I wasn't at risk of turning to stone, she wouldn't get the taste of shoe out of her mouth for weeks. There was this yellow one called Fluttershy, but she was to busy trying to help Discord after his little, well, accident. I didn't really get to introduce myself, except for the glance she gave me after seeing if Discord was okay. Last but not least is Celestia's personal lap dog, Twilight Sparkle. If their was a word to describe a nerd who has transcended all other nerds, she would fit it. It was her who had took on the task of making me a better citizen. from their the others said there goodbyes, and me and her were off to her place. I am now sitting on her couch, which was uncomfortable because it was made for ponies. Twilight sat down next to me with a quill and parchment, and began to ask me questions. "So, first things first. What are you exactly." I glared at her with a annoyed face and responded. "Of course that's the first thing you ask. I bet you find me weird don't you? "No, nothing like that. Its just... nothing like you has ever been seen in Equestria before." she told me. This place is called Equestria? Great, I bet everything here is going to have a horse pun to it. God kill me now. "Well to answer your question, I am a human. We are from a place called Earth, and most of us are a bunch of dicks who preach about what is wrong all the time. Twilight looked at me with a mixture of excitement, and confusion over what I said. "Well judging by you I can believe that your people don't seem like the happiest bunch, but tell me more about this Earth." She asked with mirth. "Well it's a nice looking planet, and is the only one we know of to have life on it. There is plenty of different places to visit, and the food is not half bad. All in all it's a decent place." Twilight just stared at me for a good solid minute before I frustratedly asked her. "Whats with all the staring bitch?" She shook her head three times before asking. "I... I'm sorry from what you're saying it seems to imply we live on the same planet, but that can't be possible. This planet is named Equus, and there are definitely no humans here. I looked at her with shock, well I don't know what I was expecting. It is clear as day that I am no longer on Earth. I then sighed and looked her in the eyes. "Okay this was going to happen sooner or later, so I suppose that now is a better time then later. I was not always the man you see before you. Long ago I was just your average guy on Earth, but one day I came across this mysterious merchant. He was selling this ring here." I took off the ring on my right index finger, and showed it to Twilight. "This right her is called a concentration ring. It makes it were my Spirit energy attacks launched out of my finger are much stronger. To some up spirit energy, it's the energy that is within everyone. With proper training anyone can use it. Anyway back to the story, soon after buying this ring I blacked out. The last thing I heard was the merchants laugh. I woke up in this strange ass place populated by you ponies. You probably know the rest from here." Twilight yet again stared at me. she opened her mouth a couple times, but nothing came out. Half a minute later she finally spoke. "So... from what your saying, is that you were sent here from your world to here by this mysterious merchant. I replied angrily. "I don't know, but what I do know is that the person who did send me here is going to get his ass kicked. I then punched my fist into my hand to show that I was serious. It was silent for a good part of minute after that before Twilight said. "Well, thanks for answering all my questions." "So am I free to go now?" I asked glaring at her with my eyebrow raised. "Yes." "About god damned time, this couch is uncomfortable." I sat up from the couch, and walked over to the door. "I'm going to see what this place has to offer." I then kicked open the door. My mouth went agape when I saw ponyville in complete chaos. "What the fuck did I miss." Ch 4: The DisplacedAs I stepped out of Twilight's library, all I saw was complete and utter chaos. There were buildings floating in the air upside down, The ground being a mixture of blue and pink squared tile like floor, and all the cute animals have seemed to turn into ravenous forms of their former selves. Needless to say I was surprised at the spectacle in front of me. "ummm, Twilight you might want to see this." I said in a confused voice. Which considering how I have been nothing but a grump and jerk recently, Twilight was a bit surprised by the tone my voice was in. "What is it." She said. "Just get out here." I replied turning around giving a hand motion for her to follow. She got up from her seat on the couch, setting down the notes she had token of me, then began to walk to me. A second later she met her destination, only for her mouth to fall agape at the sight in front of her. "Mind Explaining this to me?" I asked her raising an eyebrow. She looked around the scene for a second. Taking in all the sights around her, I then saw her face light up with anger before she shouted. "Discord!" I covered my ears over her loud outburst. I then turned to her and said to her with a bit of annoyance. "No need to shout, damn you have a pair of lungs." She looked at me sheepishly with a apologetic smile. "Sorry about that." She rubbed the back of her neck. "So it's that clowns fault that this town is now a circus. Well I guess I just have to pay him a visit, and show him why that's not a good idea." I then cracked my knuckles. Twilight then turned to me with a deadpanned expression on her face. "One track mind you have there." I then replied with a grin. "When it comes to fools like him I do." I was about to start and book it to where that clown was, only for a certain lavender pony to protest. "You don't even know where he is." I then replied to her concern. "Of course I do. He is most likely where all the screaming ponies are." With that I stuck my tongue out at her, and started to book it. I was going to show that clown why he should really change his passion of chaos to something else. I have been running around this godforsaken town for what seems like a good twenty minutes now, and I still haven't found Discord anywhere. It's not like he is hard to miss, I mean he is the only one of his kind around here as far as I can tell. Even though I haven't found him yet, I still press on with full determination. If I am going to be forced to behave accordingly, I was going to do so in a chaos free environment. Discord always said he was the master of disharmony, but I thought he was full of himself. Well it seems that I may have been wrong about that, he seems to be living up to his name pretty fine right about now. I continued on my way, but just as I made a turn around someones house. I heard a shriek of terror coming from the center of town. "Oh come on, I was just there." I grumbled to myself. I then proceeded to run towards the sound of the shrieking pony, and in about a minute I arrived at my destination. Twenty feet in front of me was Discord, and he was messing with this kid who had small brown spots on his white coat. "Somepony help me!" The kid pleaded while being turned into a assortment of different creatures. "Oh come on this look suits you soooo much better." He said with a cackle. I then proceeded to run up to the chaos embodiment, and punch him square in the face. Needless to say the lanky serpent was surprised. He flew into a tree that was behind him, and it shook from his collision into it. "Consider that payment for all this mess you caused. If I'm gonna get stuck in this place, I would like it to be chaos free." I said to him cracking my knuckles again. The kid from before turned back to his normal self, and had a look of relief on his face. He turned to me with a smile and said. "Thank you so much, your my hero." He had kind of a refined British accent, but had the little kid sound to it as well. The best analogy I could make is that he sounded like Tiny Tim. "Don't you know not to talk to strangers kid." I said with a authoritative voice. The kid just continued to stare at me unfazed, what happened next sent me for the loop. He went up and hugged my leg. "I don't need the sentimental's." I said annoyed with his actions. When he finally let go of my leg I let out a sigh and said. "Look kid what's your name." He replied to me quickly. "Pipsqueak Sir." "Well Pipsqueak could you please do me a favor and leave, that way I can finish my talk with goat breath over here." He gave me a salute and ran off towards another part town. Discord on the other hand seemed to be doing just fine, and he showed this by saying to me. "Always with the punching with you isn't it." I then heard a snap of his fingers before he teleported right next to me, and was in my face. I jumped back from him and said angrily. "Do you want another one old man." He merely scoffed at my comment. "How rude." He then turned his head away from me. "You never let up the poor attitude of yours." "Well maybe if you weren't so fucking annoying." I retorted gritting my teeth. I then heard a sound from behind me. I turned around only to be greeted by two familiar faces standing about ten feet away. "Well if it isn't Bookworm, and friend." The friend being the butter colored Pegasus. "Discord I'm very disappointed in you. Running off from our tea and causing Ponyville more grief then it already had before from you." The shy pony said with quite the load whisper shout. She also had a hint of authority in her voice, and that's something I didn't think she could muster up. "I'm glad you girls could join the party, but I have this covered so you two can butt out of my business now." I said to them giving them a cocky smile. Unfortunately for me they were not budging one bit. "Sorry but we can't sit idly by while he terrorizes the town." Said the smart one. I then heard Discord snap his fingers again, and this time he appeared next to Fluttershy. "Fluttershy my dear, how could you expect me to just sit and let poor Ponyville be chaos free. There is noting wrong with a little chaos, after all it spices the place up don't you think?" Fluttershy only sighed at Discords comment. She then shook her head and said. "No, I do not. It's not right to hurt others for your amusement." "I don't know. Having myself a good brawl always puts me in a good mood." I added my two-sense in. Twilight turned to me with a glare and exclaimed. "Yusuke!" "What? It's true." I then pointed my finger at Discord. "Now where were we again. Oh yeah, the part where I shoot your ass over this mess." I then channeled my Spirit energy into my signature Spirit Gun. The tip of my finger then began to glow, and I was about to shoot my energy at him. I was interrupted though by Discord raising his hands in the air and saying. "Whoa there, don't be so trigger happy. If you promise to stop trying to assault me I'll tell you all about what you are, and why your here." I eased up my energy and raised him a eyebrow. "What do you mean?" I asked "Yeah I would like to know myself." Said the lavender girl. She then pulled out another quill and parchment from seemingly nowhere. Seriously where does she keep that... take that back I don't want to know. Discord then snapped his fingers and appeared next to me again. "Well now that we are talking like civil beings I'll begin. Well for starters you are being known as a Displaced. Displaced are people who bought something from some strange merchant, only for him to send them into the multiverse as the person they cosplayed as." Discord said. "Wait one minute how do you know all this." I asked confused. "Because I poses a similar magic, as in I can open portals into the void. Which is where the Displaced are sent through before they end up in their new destination." He replied to me. "Now for a demonstration." Discord then snapped his fingers, and right next to him this portal appeared. "See this here? It is a portal to the void, and it can be used for Displaced to communicate to other Displaced. All you got to do is take something you think could represent you, and channel your energy into it. Then you should give a calling phrase to it." "Like this?" I grabbed the Concentration Ring from my pocket and began to channel my energy into it. "Yes like that now give a phrase to it, but please don't make it something cliche." He replied to me. I then thought for a second. Then the perfect calling came to me. "My name is Yusuke Urameshi, and I am what is called a Spirit Detective. If you need someones ass kicked, or solar bitch is being exceptionally bitchy today call me. To call upon me raise this ring above your head and shout. Celestia is a fucking bitch and she can suck it all night long." Discord the let out a load laugh, while the two ponies present gave me a dirty look over my crude remark. I then tossed my ring into the portal dispersing it across the multiverse. "Well now that that's done." I ran up to Discord getting in his face. "Why didn't you tell me this before!" "Because I thought it was funny seeing you so helpless in this world. Your face the whole time was priceless." He continue to laugh at the top of his lungs. I then raised my fist at him again. He held his hands in front of him defensively. "Whoa hold up I thought we had a deal, besides I got a gift for you." He snapped his fingers and this silver button about the size of a silver dollar appeared in his hand. "What is that?" I asked. "This right here is a gift from a friend of mine, another Discord to be exact from another world where a Displaced is also at. I think he said his name was Arren Walter, or something like that." I then backed away from Discord and he flipped the button like a coin at me. I caught it and looked at it, only for a voice to appear in my head saying. " My name is Allen Walker. Bane of The Earl, and Protector of the innocent. If darkness threatens your land, or you need aid in battle. Hold this token to your heart and call out. BRING FORTH SALVATION! And I shall aid thee." "I'm guessing that's this guys calling card." I said with my hand on my head having a slight headache over this whole ordeal. "Yes it is. My good friend Discord gave it to me in his last letter, want to see." He snapped his fingers and a piece of paper written sloppily In red crayon appeared in my hands. "You have the worst handwriting I have ever seen." "You flatter me." He replied. I then heard Twilight clear her throat loudly to get our attention. "Are we done here, or is Ponyville gonna stay like this." Twilight then pointed her hoof all around to show the chaos at hand. "Oh fine you party pooper." With that Discord snapped his fingers, and with a flash of light everything was returned to normal. "Happy?" "Very much so." Replied a timid Pegasus. "Now where going back to our tea now, and Your going to have to make up for your wrong here today with extra chores tomorrow." "Bu-" "No buts, do I make myself clear mister." "Yes ma'am." Discord answered her with a grumble. Fluttershy and Discord then took off back to Fluttershy's cottage. "Well I best get back to the library, I got a huge report to tell the princess today. I also think you should contribute to this report as well." Twilight said "As if." I replied to her with my arms crossed. "Or you could always have fun being covered in stone again." She said to me with a grin. "Well Why didn't you say so!" I replied to her before I started making my way to the library. Though I still had a chip on my shoulder, and you could see it through the way I walked. Twilight then followed behind me.
Ch 1: I'm going to kick your ass.You know, being encased in stone for a thousand years is not the most comfortable thing in the world. You tend to get really pissed at the one who did it to you, and would gladly shove your foot down their throat. I'm talking about you Celestia. you are a major bitch, and you know it. Not to mention the annoying ass company you get from being turned to stone. You know you love it Put a sock in it Discord, or I swear I will crumble your statue to dust once I'm free from this stony prison. I swear that guy is a major pain in the ass. Is that children I hear? I swear I'm getting tired of all these visits from school kids. At least they are staying over by Discord. I don't want no snot nosed punk insulting my looks again. "Who is this strange lookin feller here" asked some kid with a bow in her hair, mane, whatever. Great here we go again. "Oh that is the statue of the Detective." her school teacher replied to her question with mirth. "It is said that he once caused some trouble many years ago, and was turned to stone by Celestia in order to protect her people." "He doesn't look that tough" Why you little orange colored piece of shit. You are so lucky I'm encased in stone right now, or I would so punt your ass. "Looks can be deceiving children. He may not look tough, but he was able to harness this strange type of energy. This energy was strong enough to hurt even Celestia." I'll just ignore the part about me not looking tough, and accept the compliment she just gave me. And now they walk away, great. Now its back to my myself and boredom again. how rude Discord said to me telepathically. Shut the fuck up! Well great, Discord gets freed but I don't. That's so not fare, but that's life I suppose. Its been about three hours since he left, and I now realize that he may have been the only thing keeping me not bored, because I sure as hell now feeling a bit lonely. Wait one sec, is that Discord I see being carried by guards back to his original resting place. Oh my god it is, and he is a statue again. Well that is funny as all hell. Shut up, I don't have to take this from you. Its not like you could do any better. Want to bet on it? I still have some magic left in me. If you want to test your luck I can use the last of it to set you free from your prison. Why can't you just use that magic on yourself? Because it would be more fun to see you royally screw your one chance at freedom up. Yeah right, Celestia is not going to get another chance to turn me to stone once I shove my foot up her ass. With that said I started to feel a little tingly from the magic Discord was using on me. I started feeling the stone that encased me start to fall off. It wasn't long till it fell completely off. I then stretched my arms into the air with my hands clenched into a fist, and took a deep breath to shout. "Celestia, I'm going to kick your ass." The two guards nearby didn't take liking to that so much, and armed themselves to attack me. One of them lunged at me with their spear. I side-stepped to the left of him dodging his spear. I then kicked him in the gut with all of my strength, sending him a few feet away. "Dumb ass, so who's next for a ass kicking." The second guard took a quick look at his comrade who just recently got kicked in the gut, and then back to me. He then charged me. I just stood still until he was a few feet away from me. I then jumped up into the air at him, and kicked him straight in the face. He was sent into the ground about five feet away. "Man it feels so good to be kicking ass again." I then let out a little chuckle of relief and went to exit the castle gardens. I thought that this castle would have a bit more peo- ponies in it, but it seems to be empty. "Dammit where is everyone." I continued walking through the halls of a seemliness empty castle, but luck seemed to have been on my side because I just spotted what appears to be a blue coated unicorn maid with a purple colored mane. I walked up behind said unicorn and asked. "Do you know where everyone is." "Everypony." she corrected me, which in turn made me a bit pissed at her. "And they are in the throne room celebrating the hero's who defeated Discord. She then turned around to see who I was. She was about to scream at the sight of me, but I knocked her out with a punch to the face in order not to lure any guards to my location. "Thank you very much ma'am." I was continuing to try and find Celestia, now with the useful information from that unicorn maid. It didn't help to much though, because this castle is so fucking big and I have no idea where I'm going. It took what seemed forever to find two huge doors guarded by two guards. "Hey! is that the throne room behind those doors." "What is it to you sir." asked one of them. "I have a bone to pick with a big white ass cunt. I think she goes by the name of Celestia." The guards just growled at my comment, and charged me. I dodged them by jumping out of there way. I then charged one them with my fist ready to strike. I then punched one guard so hard I sent him flying into the other guard knocking them both out cold. "Now if you excuse me I'll be on my way." I then walked up to the two huge doors the guards were guarding, and then proceeded to kick them open. Needless to say I got everyone's attention in the room. Which I might add was a shit ton of people. I saw standing just a few feet in front of the throne, about to put a medal on some lavender colored bitch was none other then the one who encased me in stone. "Hey Celestia I thought since you encased me in stone and all, that I should drop by and give you a present." I then grabbed the ring that this strange ass merchant gave me from my pocket, and then put it on my right hands index finger. I then pointed at Celestia with my hand in the gun pose. "Spirit Gun"
Ch 2: Fuck my life."Spirit gun." A blue beam of energy shot out of my index finger, and was heading straight towards Celestia's face at high speeds. Everyone in the huge throne room stared at the blue beam of energy with their mouths agape, as it shot itself at their ruler. Just before it hit their ruler though, a box of what appeared to be from some sort of postal company dropped from the ceiling. My Spirit gun blew up upon hitting said box, and didn't hit its designated target. I looked up to see where the fuck this random box came from, only to be greeted by some derpy looking delivery pony with a grey coat, and a blond mane. "What The Fuck!" I was so close to showing that cunt a piece of my mind, only to have it stopped by some stupid ass looking pony. Seriously what the fuck. This dumb bitch must have been so clumsy that she dropped her deliver in the middle of the god damn throne room. What gives man. I then looked back at Celestia, and she did not look very pleased with the whole breaking in, and trying to shoot her thing. "Who dares to try to hurt me and my little ponies during such a grand event!" Celestia yelled at me from across the throne room. Damn she had some lungs on her. "Don't you remember solar bitch, you are the one who turned me to stone. How long ago was it again? Oh yeah, a thousand years!" She looked at me with an angry glare, but soon relaxed and flew over towards me. I went to charge her and hit her so hard in the mouth that she would never eat the same again, but this strange ass golden energy enveloped me. I couldn't move for some reason, no matter what I tried. "What gives!" I shouted at that bitch angrily. She landed next to me only about a foot away from my face, and scrunched her eyes; examining me. "wait one second, aren't you the one who took on twenty of my guards, and blew up three houses a thousand years ago." "Hey they attacked me first, I was just as confused as them upon seeing each other, but they thought it would be smart to up and assault me." I responded to her frustrated with her refusing to accept responsibility for encasing me in stone for no reason. "I never got your name?" she asked me. "My name is Yusuke Urameshi, and right now I want to shove my foot up your ass." "Well, its funny Yusuke. From what I heard a little filly was seen being hassled by some strange creature, before my guards even thought of assaulting you." she replied to me with a coy smile. "Hey she kept calling me weird, and wouldn't answer my question of where am I." I replied to her with a growl. "And that gives you the right to frighten her?" Solar bitch asked me with a eyebrow raised. "Your damn right it does!" I shouted back at her. "Well, it seems you have learned nothing from your time as a statue." Celestia then turned around and looked at six ponies infront of the throne. "I guess you're going to have to spend even more time in stone." That lavender colored bitch from earlier nodded her head and said. "Right princess." She then turned and looked at the other ponies next to her. "Girls, lets show this fiend what he deserves." I saw them glow with so much rainbow energy, it would make a gay guy blush. They levitated into the air, the necklaces--tiara in the lavender ones case-- were connected by a rainbow, which then flew up high into the air, and then headed straight towards me. Celestia moved out of the way, and released her grip on me. I only had time to flip her off with both my hands, before the rainbow crashed into me. I felt my body from the feet up being encased in stone once again, and saying I fucking hated it was a understatement. Well this sucks, I'm fucking stone again. Well at least the world knows now that I fucking hate it, because I am now permanently giving it the bird. I was carried by a few guards back to my spot next to discord again. Why the hell do I have to be next to this fool again, there is plenty of other places in this damn garden. I see someone did oh so very well in, what was it, oh yeah shoving their foot up Celestia's ass. I heard that damned fool inside my head mocking me. Shut the hell up! It's not like you fared any better. I heard him laughing inside my head. Did I ever tell you that I hate his laughter so much, because I do, I really do. I knew you would royally mess up, yet you didn't listen to me. Seriously you young-lings need to listen to your elders more often. He continued to mock me. Discord once both of us are out of this stony prison again, I'm going to punch you so hard. You hear me? I threatened him. It was silent from then on. I guess it's time to enjoy the scenery again, because I'm gonna be here a long time, again. I saw the Celestia make her way over to me and Discord's statue. She had a grin on her face as she did. she stood in front of us and said. "It's your lucky day boys. your going to be turned back to normal." Oh Celestia that is a very bad choice. You are basically asking me to kick your ass now. "Guards!" She shouted. "Yes your majesty." four guards come up to her and bowed their heads. "I need you to take these here statues, and load them into a chariot. We are going to be taking them to Ponyville for a little visit." Ponyville? that must be the stupidest name for a town I have ever heard. "Right away your majesty." Replied the guards before giving her a salute. We were then taken by said guards to a chariot, and loaded onto it. I seriously can't believe that she is going through with this. Well, it's not like I'm complaining. We landed just outside of Ponyville, and were then loaded off of the chariot, then placed onto the ground nearby. Celestia and a couple of guards were standing just in front of us waiting for something. It was a couple of minutes later before the six bitches who encased me in stone again were heading towards us. They are going to get it right after Celestia finally gets my shoe up her ass. They talked with their ruler for about a minute, before doing the whole routine they did before they encased me in stone again. The rainbow hit me and Discord, and we were soon free. "Oh! Ooh! Ooooh! Well, it's about time somepony got me ou-" I interrupted Discord's awakening speech, by giving him the punch I promised him. I channeled my energy to my fist before hitting him as hard as I could. He was sent flying into a nearby house. "I told you I was gonna punch your punk ass!" The group of ponies around me had their mouths agape in shock over me hitting Discord. I was then again in the grasp of Solar bitches energy, and was unable to move. "Oh for fucks sake, again. What Gives?" "You need to calm down, and stop attacking people for one second in your life." she told me. "You are probably wondering why you're being released from stone. Well let me tell you why." She pointed over to the group of ponies in front of me with her fore hoof. "You see them over there. Well lets just say that they are going to be teaching you some proper manners, and how to be a good citizen. I glared at the cunts in front of me. "There is no way I'm agreeing with this." "Or you could always return to being stone again." She looked at me with a grin on her face. Oh come on, with a choice like that I wonder why she is even asking. I just simply replied to her. "Fuck my life."
Ch 3: Introductions and answersWell this sucks, first I was turned to stone for a thousand years, and now after returning to normal. I i'm being forced to learn how to be a good citizen. Here I thought my life couldn't get worse. Not to mention that the one who is going to be teaching me this crap, is none other then Solar bitches lap dog. If I wasn't at risk of turning into stone again, I would show this lavender cunt a piece of my mind. Right now we are inside her library, which to my surprise is completely made from a living tree. She said something about magic. or some crap like that. This would probably explain a good number of things, for example. How Celestia was able to keep me still with that strange, gold energy. Now that I think about it, I think I saw the same colored energy surrounding the horn on her head. Oh yeah, on top of the inhabitants being ponies. There seems to be different types of these ponies. Some have horns, which I would assume are unicorns. Some with wings, Pegasus I presume. Then there are unlucky bastards who have neither. Oh yeah, forgot to add that Solar bitch has both. I have no idea what to call her, a pegacorn. No that sounds stupid. Anyway, back to the task at hand. shortly after being released from stone I was introduced to the six ponies who encased me in stone for the second time. The second I walked up to them, this pink menace by the name Pinkie Pie I think. Tackled me and spat out a thousand words per minute. All I was able to pick up was something like. "Oh my gosh, I so can't wait to throw you a, no longer in stone party." She then proceeded to run off into the distance for who knows what. She is lucky she left, because I was about to shut her up. The orange coated one with the cowboy hat on by the name of Applejack, was the second to introduce their self to me. Oh my god she fit her name perfectly, and had the most annoying country accent ever, she wouldn't stop rambling on about how she worked on a apple farm. I swear I never heard of so many ways to make apples. Next was this dramatic bitch named Rarity, who said that they owned a fashion business. I didn't catch the name of it, because I was to busy blanking it out. She was one of those girls who were all materialistic, and those are by far the worse. I hate upper class culture, and they can all suck it. Oh, the next one Rainbow Dash was so full of herself. She said to me that I didn't scare her, and that I didn't look tough at all. I of course called her out on her dumbness, and then she tried to get up in my face. Lets just say that if I wasn't at risk of turning to stone, she wouldn't get the taste of shoe out of her mouth for weeks. There was this yellow one called Fluttershy, but she was to busy trying to help Discord after his little, well, accident. I didn't really get to introduce myself, except for the glance she gave me after seeing if Discord was okay. Last but not least is Celestia's personal lap dog, Twilight Sparkle. If their was a word to describe a nerd who has transcended all other nerds, she would fit it. It was her who had took on the task of making me a better citizen. from their the others said there goodbyes, and me and her were off to her place. I am now sitting on her couch, which was uncomfortable because it was made for ponies. Twilight sat down next to me with a quill and parchment, and began to ask me questions. "So, first things first. What are you exactly." I glared at her with a annoyed face and responded. "Of course that's the first thing you ask. I bet you find me weird don't you? "No, nothing like that. Its just... nothing like you has ever been seen in Equestria before." she told me. This place is called Equestria? Great, I bet everything here is going to have a horse pun to it. God kill me now. "Well to answer your question, I am a human. We are from a place called Earth, and most of us are a bunch of dicks who preach about what is wrong all the time. Twilight looked at me with a mixture of excitement, and confusion over what I said. "Well judging by you I can believe that your people don't seem like the happiest bunch, but tell me more about this Earth." She asked with mirth. "Well it's a nice looking planet, and is the only one we know of to have life on it. There is plenty of different places to visit, and the food is not half bad. All in all it's a decent place." Twilight just stared at me for a good solid minute before I frustratedly asked her. "Whats with all the staring bitch?" She shook her head three times before asking. "I... I'm sorry from what you're saying it seems to imply we live on the same planet, but that can't be possible. This planet is named Equus, and there are definitely no humans here. I looked at her with shock, well I don't know what I was expecting. It is clear as day that I am no longer on Earth. I then sighed and looked her in the eyes. "Okay this was going to happen sooner or later, so I suppose that now is a better time then later. I was not always the man you see before you. Long ago I was just your average guy on Earth, but one day I came across this mysterious merchant. He was selling this ring here." I took off the ring on my right index finger, and showed it to Twilight. "This right her is called a concentration ring. It makes it were my Spirit energy attacks launched out of my finger are much stronger. To some up spirit energy, it's the energy that is within everyone. With proper training anyone can use it. Anyway back to the story, soon after buying this ring I blacked out. The last thing I heard was the merchants laugh. I woke up in this strange ass place populated by you ponies. You probably know the rest from here." Twilight yet again stared at me. she opened her mouth a couple times, but nothing came out. Half a minute later she finally spoke. "So... from what your saying, is that you were sent here from your world to here by this mysterious merchant. I replied angrily. "I don't know, but what I do know is that the person who did send me here is going to get his ass kicked. I then punched my fist into my hand to show that I was serious. It was silent for a good part of minute after that before Twilight said. "Well, thanks for answering all my questions." "So am I free to go now?" I asked glaring at her with my eyebrow raised. "Yes." "About god damned time, this couch is uncomfortable." I sat up from the couch, and walked over to the door. "I'm going to see what this place has to offer." I then kicked open the door. My mouth went agape when I saw ponyville in complete chaos. "What the fuck did I miss."
Ch 4: The DisplacedAs I stepped out of Twilight's library, all I saw was complete and utter chaos. There were buildings floating in the air upside down, The ground being a mixture of blue and pink squared tile like floor, and all the cute animals have seemed to turn into ravenous forms of their former selves. Needless to say I was surprised at the spectacle in front of me. "ummm, Twilight you might want to see this." I said in a confused voice. Which considering how I have been nothing but a grump and jerk recently, Twilight was a bit surprised by the tone my voice was in. "What is it." She said. "Just get out here." I replied turning around giving a hand motion for her to follow. She got up from her seat on the couch, setting down the notes she had token of me, then began to walk to me. A second later she met her destination, only for her mouth to fall agape at the sight in front of her. "Mind Explaining this to me?" I asked her raising an eyebrow. She looked around the scene for a second. Taking in all the sights around her, I then saw her face light up with anger before she shouted. "Discord!" I covered my ears over her loud outburst. I then turned to her and said to her with a bit of annoyance. "No need to shout, damn you have a pair of lungs." She looked at me sheepishly with a apologetic smile. "Sorry about that." She rubbed the back of her neck. "So it's that clowns fault that this town is now a circus. Well I guess I just have to pay him a visit, and show him why that's not a good idea." I then cracked my knuckles. Twilight then turned to me with a deadpanned expression on her face. "One track mind you have there." I then replied with a grin. "When it comes to fools like him I do." I was about to start and book it to where that clown was, only for a certain lavender pony to protest. "You don't even know where he is." I then replied to her concern. "Of course I do. He is most likely where all the screaming ponies are." With that I stuck my tongue out at her, and started to book it. I was going to show that clown why he should really change his passion of chaos to something else. I have been running around this godforsaken town for what seems like a good twenty minutes now, and I still haven't found Discord anywhere. It's not like he is hard to miss, I mean he is the only one of his kind around here as far as I can tell. Even though I haven't found him yet, I still press on with full determination. If I am going to be forced to behave accordingly, I was going to do so in a chaos free environment. Discord always said he was the master of disharmony, but I thought he was full of himself. Well it seems that I may have been wrong about that, he seems to be living up to his name pretty fine right about now. I continued on my way, but just as I made a turn around someones house. I heard a shriek of terror coming from the center of town. "Oh come on, I was just there." I grumbled to myself. I then proceeded to run towards the sound of the shrieking pony, and in about a minute I arrived at my destination. Twenty feet in front of me was Discord, and he was messing with this kid who had small brown spots on his white coat. "Somepony help me!" The kid pleaded while being turned into a assortment of different creatures. "Oh come on this look suits you soooo much better." He said with a cackle. I then proceeded to run up to the chaos embodiment, and punch him square in the face. Needless to say the lanky serpent was surprised. He flew into a tree that was behind him, and it shook from his collision into it. "Consider that payment for all this mess you caused. If I'm gonna get stuck in this place, I would like it to be chaos free." I said to him cracking my knuckles again. The kid from before turned back to his normal self, and had a look of relief on his face. He turned to me with a smile and said. "Thank you so much, your my hero." He had kind of a refined British accent, but had the little kid sound to it as well. The best analogy I could make is that he sounded like Tiny Tim. "Don't you know not to talk to strangers kid." I said with a authoritative voice. The kid just continued to stare at me unfazed, what happened next sent me for the loop. He went up and hugged my leg. "I don't need the sentimental's." I said annoyed with his actions. When he finally let go of my leg I let out a sigh and said. "Look kid what's your name." He replied to me quickly. "Pipsqueak Sir." "Well Pipsqueak could you please do me a favor and leave, that way I can finish my talk with goat breath over here." He gave me a salute and ran off towards another part town. Discord on the other hand seemed to be doing just fine, and he showed this by saying to me. "Always with the punching with you isn't it." I then heard a snap of his fingers before he teleported right next to me, and was in my face. I jumped back from him and said angrily. "Do you want another one old man." He merely scoffed at my comment. "How rude." He then turned his head away from me. "You never let up the poor attitude of yours." "Well maybe if you weren't so fucking annoying." I retorted gritting my teeth. I then heard a sound from behind me. I turned around only to be greeted by two familiar faces standing about ten feet away. "Well if it isn't Bookworm, and friend." The friend being the butter colored Pegasus. "Discord I'm very disappointed in you. Running off from our tea and causing Ponyville more grief then it already had before from you." The shy pony said with quite the load whisper shout. She also had a hint of authority in her voice, and that's something I didn't think she could muster up. "I'm glad you girls could join the party, but I have this covered so you two can butt out of my business now." I said to them giving them a cocky smile. Unfortunately for me they were not budging one bit. "Sorry but we can't sit idly by while he terrorizes the town." Said the smart one. I then heard Discord snap his fingers again, and this time he appeared next to Fluttershy. "Fluttershy my dear, how could you expect me to just sit and let poor Ponyville be chaos free. There is noting wrong with a little chaos, after all it spices the place up don't you think?" Fluttershy only sighed at Discords comment. She then shook her head and said. "No, I do not. It's not right to hurt others for your amusement." "I don't know. Having myself a good brawl always puts me in a good mood." I added my two-sense in. Twilight turned to me with a glare and exclaimed. "Yusuke!" "What? It's true." I then pointed my finger at Discord. "Now where were we again. Oh yeah, the part where I shoot your ass over this mess." I then channeled my Spirit energy into my signature Spirit Gun. The tip of my finger then began to glow, and I was about to shoot my energy at him. I was interrupted though by Discord raising his hands in the air and saying. "Whoa there, don't be so trigger happy. If you promise to stop trying to assault me I'll tell you all about what you are, and why your here." I eased up my energy and raised him a eyebrow. "What do you mean?" I asked "Yeah I would like to know myself." Said the lavender girl. She then pulled out another quill and parchment from seemingly nowhere. Seriously where does she keep that... take that back I don't want to know. Discord then snapped his fingers and appeared next to me again. "Well now that we are talking like civil beings I'll begin. Well for starters you are being known as a Displaced. Displaced are people who bought something from some strange merchant, only for him to send them into the multiverse as the person they cosplayed as." Discord said. "Wait one minute how do you know all this." I asked confused. "Because I poses a similar magic, as in I can open portals into the void. Which is where the Displaced are sent through before they end up in their new destination." He replied to me. "Now for a demonstration." Discord then snapped his fingers, and right next to him this portal appeared. "See this here? It is a portal to the void, and it can be used for Displaced to communicate to other Displaced. All you got to do is take something you think could represent you, and channel your energy into it. Then you should give a calling phrase to it." "Like this?" I grabbed the Concentration Ring from my pocket and began to channel my energy into it. "Yes like that now give a phrase to it, but please don't make it something cliche." He replied to me. I then thought for a second. Then the perfect calling came to me. "My name is Yusuke Urameshi, and I am what is called a Spirit Detective. If you need someones ass kicked, or solar bitch is being exceptionally bitchy today call me. To call upon me raise this ring above your head and shout. Celestia is a fucking bitch and she can suck it all night long." Discord the let out a load laugh, while the two ponies present gave me a dirty look over my crude remark. I then tossed my ring into the portal dispersing it across the multiverse. "Well now that that's done." I ran up to Discord getting in his face. "Why didn't you tell me this before!" "Because I thought it was funny seeing you so helpless in this world. Your face the whole time was priceless." He continue to laugh at the top of his lungs. I then raised my fist at him again. He held his hands in front of him defensively. "Whoa hold up I thought we had a deal, besides I got a gift for you." He snapped his fingers and this silver button about the size of a silver dollar appeared in his hand. "What is that?" I asked. "This right here is a gift from a friend of mine, another Discord to be exact from another world where a Displaced is also at. I think he said his name was Arren Walter, or something like that." I then backed away from Discord and he flipped the button like a coin at me. I caught it and looked at it, only for a voice to appear in my head saying. " My name is Allen Walker. Bane of The Earl, and Protector of the innocent. If darkness threatens your land, or you need aid in battle. Hold this token to your heart and call out. BRING FORTH SALVATION! And I shall aid thee." "I'm guessing that's this guys calling card." I said with my hand on my head having a slight headache over this whole ordeal. "Yes it is. My good friend Discord gave it to me in his last letter, want to see." He snapped his fingers and a piece of paper written sloppily In red crayon appeared in my hands. "You have the worst handwriting I have ever seen." "You flatter me." He replied. I then heard Twilight clear her throat loudly to get our attention. "Are we done here, or is Ponyville gonna stay like this." Twilight then pointed her hoof all around to show the chaos at hand. "Oh fine you party pooper." With that Discord snapped his fingers, and with a flash of light everything was returned to normal. "Happy?" "Very much so." Replied a timid Pegasus. "Now where going back to our tea now, and Your going to have to make up for your wrong here today with extra chores tomorrow." "Bu-" "No buts, do I make myself clear mister." "Yes ma'am." Discord answered her with a grumble. Fluttershy and Discord then took off back to Fluttershy's cottage. "Well I best get back to the library, I got a huge report to tell the princess today. I also think you should contribute to this report as well." Twilight said "As if." I replied to her with my arms crossed. "Or you could always have fun being covered in stone again." She said to me with a grin. "Well Why didn't you say so!" I replied to her before I started making my way to the library. Though I still had a chip on my shoulder, and you could see it through the way I walked. Twilight then followed behind me.
